Mean Boys - EP 45 - Tallahassee Gas Mask (feat. Jay Light)

Episode Date: January 31, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Urban Dictionary Whatever The Fuck”, “Bill Hicks: Funny Flight Attendant”, “Barron Trump Correction” and a game of Which of the Following by @badchopsuey with mobster names. Follow our guest Jay Light on Twitter: twitter.com/dietjay Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web at www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. If you can't beat them, stab them. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Live-action Arthur the Aardvark.

With your cartoon animal friend having ass. I do love a good jaunt to the library, guys. Oh, with your PBS morality tail ass. With your inexplicably coming back as a popular meme ass. Like, I don't know what the resurgence of Arthur the Aardvark is, but we really need to shut that shit down. That is one of the

most unlikely comebacks in history. Yeah. You know what I mean? No kidding. Like Mickey Rourke and Arthur memes? It's those two. Whatever the next version of Pepe the Frog is, like weird cartoon mascot for hate group, I hope is Arthur the Artwork. Oh, God. That would be so funny if they're just like alt-right Arthur.

Just a bunch of people in yellow sweaters just putting Puerto Ricans in camps. Look, why are their fists all clenched? Oh, man. It's good to be back. We are joined today by Jay Light, a fellow disgraced roast battle. Hey. Got knocked out by the champ. Yeah, I got knocked out by some bitch.

That was also on the show. That's true, yeah. We've got a very small incestuous community. That's true. The entire cast of that show, except for Frank, will be on this just to spite him. Hey, you guys. No one's more disgraced than the guy who only did the preliminaries that aren't even on IMDb. Hey, don't be ridiculous.

You also made that with me on TV. Oh, that's true. You won against somebody and didn't even make it on the show, so you really lost. Hey, Twitter, calm down. By the way, funny story about that intro that happened last night. I was on Grindr because I like to party and I was talking to a fellow who recognized

me from Rose Battle and said, your intro was great and then tried to comport a threesome with you and I. Yeah, he was like, bring that boy in the rainbow underwear. Bring that boy in the rainbow underwear. Like, what kind of Holocaust story is that? Bring that boy in the rainbow underwear.

You're already a celebrity among the gay cruising scene. Oh, man. Yeah, I got a lot of people from high school that are like, I think we're proud of you. I'm not totally sure. We don't know how to react to this in Ontario. Alright, gang, we're all fired up. I'm not totally sure. We don't know how to react to this in Ontario. Oh, man. All right, gang.

We're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Ay, so topical. I'll take us away. George Orwell's landmark novel, 1984, surged to the bestsellers list after Kellyanne Conway's description of Trump's rhetoric as alternative facts. In a related story, butter sales have reached historic highs after Keith Carey's recent appearance on Comedy Central. As soon as I heard butter, I'm like, well, I can just take off for a minute. You can...

A photograph of an obese woman falling out of a motorized car at a Walmart has gone viral, prompting the woman to write an impassioned blog demanding respect. This blog is entitled, quote, The Starting Pistol for the Olympics of Cyber Bullying. Wow.

That lady is for sure going to kill herself. Oh, yeah. That was an oddly poetic way to describe a woman learning how the exit bag works on 4chan. Oh, no. Hey, man. I was sad in 2009. What bums me out the most is I know that we don't have one listener that doesn't know what that is.

Oh, God. That's true. Or you just see someone post balloon time, because that's where the over-the-counter helium tanks are. You see them at Party City, and it's like, balloon time! And then that's a person saying, like, I'm gonna say goodbye. That's a really adorable way, because you just flow right up.

Yeah, it's like the movie Elf. Amazingly, the helium... Except it's just your guts. Except somehow less depressing. Somehow the helium drags you down to hell, because suicide's a sin. Oprah has joined 60 Minutes as a special correspondent. Her first assignment was in Syria where she wandered

the war-torn street shouting, you got a bomb! You got a bomb! Everybody got a bomb! Bravo. Wow. That's outstanding. I also had an alternate version of that where I said, you lost your mom! You lost your mom

Oh man Jay just jumping in head first Go ahead and hang that up in the Mexican joke off rafters Can you put your mic up a little bit A baby dolphin has died after someone Dragged it out of the water to take selfies with it Authorities are on the hunt for a woman with a dog nose Dog ears and a terrible personality

Alright Actress Viola Davis won a SAG award for her performance in Fences, and her tits won a SAG award for being a fat, droopy nightmare. Take that, National Treasure Viola Davis. Hey, take that, kettle. Alright.

The pot has the floor. Six were killed and many more wounded after a shooting in a mosque in Quebec City. Police are hot on the trail of the suspect, who is reportedly the only Canadian to never apologize. Wait, let me check the mics really quick. All right, yeah, we're good. Professional operation here.

Ladies and gentlemen, bring the momentum to a screeching halt. The Mormon Church is buying up land in central Florida for its plan to create a Mormon city of a half a million people by 2080. The working title for this community is Family Board Game Nitropolis. They're literally the settlers of Catan. Yeah. I read that. I'm like, it's fucking terrifying. They're just buying up all this land.

And they're like, oh, yeah, we're going to plant some seed. We're going to have four or five seed families. And then, you know. Yeah, it'd be way less scary if they were just outright planting something evil. But it's the fact that they're going to do nothing fun with it. Oh, yeah, it's just going to be a whole fucking, like, cloud city with Applebee's. It's really going to be the town from Footloose. No dancing, no caffeine. Yeah, yeah.

All right, I have a showdown with Jay, actually. A right-wing terrorist killed six people in a Quebec mosque. This incident is expected to create retaliation from Canada's deadliest Islamic terror group, ISIS. For the listening audience, Ovi is standing in the other room just glaring at me and shaking his head. I would have also

come with Montreal Qaeda. There it is. This is very similar to an old joke. Oh, DeGrasse's Junior High? Yeah, I remember. There's a lot of Canadian terrorism puns on this show.

Oh, boy. The Boy Scouts of America has agreed to allow transgender boys to join the organization. In an effort to also show their inclusivity, the Girl Scouts

have added merit badges for riflery, auto repair, and scissoring. George H.W. Bush has been discharged from the hospital after a bout of pneumonia. The Skull and Bone Society of Yale sent their well wishes

but expressed disappointment that they won't have a new skeleton to make pledges jack off into anytime soon. That's one of my favorite conspiracy theories, that you have to jerk off into a skull in front of your dad to get into this frat. It's also how you join the Mean Boys fan club. Mail us. If you want to get followed back fret. It's also how you join the Mean Boys fan club. Mail us. If you want to get followed back on Twitter, it's going to cost you.

Just a skull that's like a rubber band ball, but with cum just layers over time. It's more cum than skull at this point. Oh, of course. It's like, you remember the Wonder Ball? Like the chocolate with the little toy in the middle of it? Oh, God. Oh, God. All right.

Another Boy Scout. The Boy Scouts of America announced they will begin allowing transgender children to join their organization. A leader said in a statement, quote, a child's gender identity should not prevent them from the thrill and excitement of getting molested in the woods. Oh, OK. Well, I've got a nice little button on the end of this, Jay. Oh, boy. The Indian government announced a plan to offer free Wi-Fi to over a thousand villages nationwide because it's a lot easier to forget that you have no clean drinking water and you can finally watch free porn.

Oh, no. My favorite jokes are ones that are just succinctly summarized true things that are upsetting and that have no element of misdirection or humor in them. It's not really a joke so much as just footage of a child soldier being shot and then like a...

Yeah, it's just a weird like news haiku. Those I love. Three men in Bucks County, Pennsylvania are on the run after sexually molesting young boys in costume at a furry party. Authorities are working with the boys to construct a sketch of their attackers at the local Build-A-Bear workshop. Oh, man. How many Google alerts for furry news have you set up by now, Connor? The stories just find me. You guys aren't going on the right subreddits,

gang. Oh, that's deeply upsetting. Because you've got to put the heart in it. I struggled for about ten minutes with a show me on the doll where he touched you, but I was like, they don't use a Paddington bear for molestation victims. And then I realized Build-A-Bear Workshop. Paddington bear's too well-dressed.

He's got that trench coat, though. That feels like easy access. He's got that trench coat, though. That feels like easy access. He's got the galoshes. There's a kid from my high school who became a furry. I really thought you were going to say they got molested by a furry. Well, that's probably...

That's how they create themselves. It's just a never-ending chain. It's like vampire roles. You just go back in time and you kill Snuffleupagus. I worked with a dude who was a furry and he lacked all shame about it. He was very upfront, which was both cool

and also like, hey, shut up. Really bumming out the lunch table with Disneyland guy. All right, finally for me. A Jamaican family was shocked and angered when they were shipped two industrial barrels full of garbage by a European non-profit organization. The family says this is the last time

they trust any deliveries from TomGossLootCrate.com. Tom, good. Yeah, use promo code DER. Banana peels are like pants if you think hard enough. Something I shared on Facebook, but we made Tom name ten Tom Hanks movies, and he said, what's the Jew list one? I want to say Schmeckler's List,

but I know that's wrong. And he's like, well, he's not in Flubber. I know that. Oh, man, this is very apt. My last one. The Trump administration came under fire after its official statement on Holocaust Remembrance Day omitted any mention of the Jews. Press Secretary Sean Spicer defended the decision, stating they were just alternative victims. This administration is preparing for the most well-attended genocide in history, period.

You lost your mom. You lost your mom. We took your shoes. Get on the train. Give me those feelings. Jesus Christ. By the way, Mean Boys fans, check out La Vita e Bella. It's an Italian foreign film.

It is a slapstick Holocaust movie. And if that's not the most Mean Boys- I cannot believe we didn't make that. I know, right? I'm like, this is a whole. This is going to be our whole YouTube series. Yeah. Fun.

Sean Spicer. Have you seen the Dippin Dots thing with him? Oh, yeah. Where he hates. He's got a multi-year Twitter campaign against Dippin Dots. The ice cream of the future. Oh, but when Connor says he doesn't want to try soup, he's some kind of psychopath. Well, yeah.

You're not also the voice of a nation. Well, speak for yourself Cary Not like a good one I'm the voice of a More of a confederacy of basement dwellers Yeah it was that nation where like The sewer people live in X-Men You're the voice of that nation

I think you're thinking of Futurama No I'm thinking of the Morlocks I know what I'm thinking of Alright well we should go The Moon Boys broadcast will be right back with some bullshit. This week, a huge debate sprung up over the appropriateness of making jokes involving the president's 10-year-old son, Barron Trump. Many comedians, myself included, were met with resistance, calls for firing, and even death threats in response to their jokes about Barron. This is a reasonable response.

In these tumultuous times, we must remember what is most important, the feelings of a young white billionaire. Therefore, the mean boys would like to issue apologies and corrections for the following statements. Barron Trump has never made his G.I. Joe's kiss and then burned them over the stove for giving him an erection. Barron Trump does not seem like the kid who would die first in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Barron Trump's favorite food is not human flesh with the crusts cut off. Reports that Barron Trump was seen sitting motionless in a cornfield surrounded by tiny skinless bodies of dozens of mutilated squirrels are unfounded.

As far as we know, Barron Trump has never loudly berated his father for not having big enough hands to satisfy his dumb child anus. It would not be hilarious to put a clockwork orange-style helmet on Barron Trump and make him watch as we broke all his favorite toys. There is no concrete evidence that Barron Trump still breastfeeds. There is no truth to the idea that Barron Trump has a race car bed, which he will use to fatally run down three innocent pedestrians and then avoid prosecution due to being diagnosed with affluenza.

It is unfair to assume that Barron Trump screams and urinates any time he makes eye contact with a possible Jew. Barron Trump is neither retarded, nor a faggot, nor, as previously presumed, a retarded little faggot. We apologize for any misunderstandings that may have arisen from our careless reporting and wish Barron Trump a speedy emotional recovery in his magnificently gilded cage. And the Mean Boys podcast is back with an installment of a new game, Urban Dictionary. What does this mean? I didn't come up with a name for the segment before we recorded. So we'll get a jingle going for that immediately.

Gentlemen, here's how this game is going to work. I have looked up some pretty reprehensible phrases from Urban Dictionary that I was not previously familiar with. I'm going to give you the name of the phrase. You're going to guess what you think it means, and we're going to see who can get the closest. Okay. All right. And some of these will haunt your dreams. Oh, God.

Spoiler alert, there's a lot of poop coming up. My favorite Urban Dictionary ones are always like, Kevin, some bitch in biology class that can't make anyone cum. Yeah, Dave, a rocking dude. Being a real Dave right now, bro. I knew it was true love when he created an urban dictionary for my name all right the first one what is the tallahassee gas mask okay let's think about so we i mean we already know there's a lot of poop coming so i have a feeling we're getting right out of the

bat with some shit my my my question is tallahassee just just a funny set of syllables for the thing, or is it about the cultural makeup of Tallahassee in this gas mask? I'm conflicted on how to answer that. I feel like the cultural makeup of Tallahassee is pretty well respected. It's just pooping in your face. Basically. I don't even, I forget, which one's Tallahassee? Florida. Florida, okay.

It's where University of Florida is. The Gators. Yeah. Oh, okay. So you know it's good. Yeah. Tallahassee gas mask. Okay.

I think that is where you tie a tank top around your buddy's face when he passes out drunk and everyone takes a shit in it. Excellent guess. I think that is where you take the goggles you would wear while you're riding a jet ski and shit on top of those goggles. Do you wear goggles while you're jet skiing? In this example, you do. I feel like I would.

I thought you were asking us, like, would you guys go jet skiing? The correct answer is the Tallahassee gas mat is, quote, when one splatters farts into a hotel-provided shower cap and sneaks up behind a loved one and pulls it around their face like a gas mat. Splatters farts? Splatters farts. Splatters. Oh, no.

Splatters farts is one of Barron Trump's ancestors. I'm an oil man. Splatters farts. Yes, it's good to have land. I drink your filth, chick. I slurp oil man. Splatter's farts. Yes, it's good to have land. I drink your filth, shake. I slurp it up. Speaking of which, hot impression from 2005, con man.

Anyway. Speaking of slurping, the next one is the Massachusetts Slurpee. I don't like... These states had nothing to do with these crimes. Yeah. Just besmirching the name of our good united states here uh 50 nifty dip ride yeah i don't know you got it i was out i ran out

of words it's early the massachusetts slurpee oh what the fuck is okay i gotta stop thinking about massachusetts having anything to do with it yeah that's the real downfall here the last one was shower caps or maybe it snows in massachusetts maybe that's it. Yeah, that's the real downfall here. The last one was shower caps. Or maybe it snows in Massachusetts. I'm going to say that's like a slushie of eating yellow snow. Okay. That's what it's peed on. Interesting guess. Alright. I'm going to say the Massachusetts

Slurpee is where you take a powdered wig and blend it up with some shit and then force a detained Cuban to drink it. I don't know why I'm going with Cubans. Detained Cuban? No, that would be Tallahassee.

Oh, good point. Yeah. That's a stone's throw from Gitmo. How racist do you have to be to have a problem with Cubans in Boston? There's only one of them, but I don't fucking like him, okay? Any hell, Ma. All right. The correct answer.

The Massachusetts Slerby is, quote, when during intercourse, right before the girl climaxes, you whip out a straw and put it into her vagina. Once the straw is tightly shoved in, you masturbate until you can come into the straw, which funnels down into her vagina. Sorry. Somebody called me while I was reading that, and I've never been more afraid I was going to answer a phone. Yeah, no.

I thought that was called the fucking Pittsburgh in mid-flight refueling. What a weird, like, how about I ruin coming for everyone? Yeah, that's like, I like these things because they're clearly thought of by 13-year-olds. You can't do that. Yeah. Who don't know what a sex is. And also that straw is just going to end up inside your pee hole. The logistics of coming do not work that way.

Yeah. Like, even if you had a boba straw, it's a tough maneuver. You need a few tries. Oh, God. Just picturing chunks. Hi, Mom. Anyway. All right.

Number three, quote, quabbing a twab. This is just the sound Tom makes when he walks in the morning in his sandals. Quab a twab a do. Quabbing a twab. Quabbing a twab. Quabbing a twab. You know something? A phrase I made up that I wanted to put on Urban Dictionary because I think it could catch on is when you're playing hacky sack and you're the one who makes it not up in

the air anymore, it's called skeezing the hack. So if you guys want to start saying that. I have not heard a better way to describe it. Skeezing the hack. Oh, dude. You skeezed the hack, man. Skeezing the hack. Oh, dude, you skeezed the hack, man. Skeezing the hack sounds like how you heckle Pauly Shore. Hey, don't squeeze my twab, man.

So squabbing the twabs. Squabbing a twab. Squabbing a twab. What? Quabbing a twab? Quabbing a twab. I promise you, you're not going to get this one. I'm just curious what you think it is.

That's where you come into an old T-shirt and you ring it out over a girl's butt. I think quabbing a twab is where you use some kind of gas to de-louse a special needs class for pubic lice. That's how you make a tom. Episode 45. How have we not said D. Louse before? Agent Orange. Well, we have a name for the episode. The correct answer is Quab and Quatwab is, quote,

when you're having sex with a seal and the seal poops out a baby seal. And so you hit it with a shovel. Then you hit the mother in the head with a shovel. And then you poop on her man these 13 what what's the deal with 13 year olds and fucking animals yeah right i mean we had we i was we i was like a dirty sanchez tiki rusty trombone wow yeah these get increasingly violent yeah we got one more uh or no two more i blame video games all right uh what is a Tennessee abortion? It's probably a thing that should happen.

It's illegal. That's what it is. What's a henway? What's a henway? About two to three pounds? A Tennessee abortion. Hmm. Tennessee abortion.

I don't know. I wish I knew enough about sports to name any Tennessee sports. Something that I wish had happened to Taylor Swift. That's when you try to do anal after she went to Waffle House. Final answer. Oh, no. My dick's smothered and covered. The correct answer is Tennessee abortion is giving birth directly into the mouth of a bear.

That's what it is. I suppose. Yeah. Well, I mean, I have seen a bear in Tennessee, so that does kind of check out. Yeah. I lied. That is the last one. Okay.

All right. Well, I think we can all agree this game wasn't as good as we wanted to, but maybe we planned on some Tom lightning round. Maybe Tom didn't show up. The mean boys will be right back. Conspiracy theories have circulated for years regarding the death

of iconic comedian Bill Hicks. Some claim that he's undergone facial reconstruction surgery and assume the identity of alt-right radio firebrand Alex Jones, while those who cite discrepancies in his chemotherapy and hair loss

assume he opted out of show business for a quiet life on the lam. Newly leaked audio from a Southwest flight from Houston to Oakland has sparked speculation that he's been living out his twilight years as a funny flight attendant. Let's take a listen. All right, Lemmings, listen up. Wait, are you allowed to smoke in here?

Welcome to You Couldn't Afford JetBlue, Flight 666 to California's Detroit. Got a couple quick announcements before we take off. If you're going to hijack the plane and slit people's throats with box cutters start with the babies please i mean i'll be trying to sleep in the bull can and oh those call buttons are hooked up to the electrodes on the pilot's nipples so press at your own risk make sure your luggage is stored in the overhead compartment so you won't be reaching up for it in flight like a crying infant at its cradle pleading for its mother possessions to coddle it back to a sweet brain dead equilibrium for those of you that breathe with your mouth and think with your dicks, that means get your iPhones now, folks.

In the event of a water landing, life vests will drop from the ceiling. When you pull the red tab, they'll do their impression of Ronald Reagan's ego during a photo op with a row of caskets full of dead Marines and inflate. See to it that those seatbelts are tightly fastened, or better yet, don't. The population is growing faster than the ass implant industry, and if a little turbulence can tape you out of the gene pool, then towel off and hit the showers, Grandpa. If you are sitting on an emergency exit road,

just remember, lefty-tighty, righty-loosey. Sometimes the doors get sticky, but keep pulling, you'll get it. And if you have a sudden drop in cabin pressure, just tell her that this usually never happens, and then put on the George Michael Pandora station. Secure your mask before securing others around you, because charity is for communists. We'll be serving complimentary in-flight refreshments

Soda pop and water are free Our selection of well drinks are $5 each And if you slip me a 20 and don't mind a dirty portobello aftertaste I'll give you a small Ziploc bag with God's phone number inside of it And don't worry folks, if this plane does crash The Warren Commission will tell your loved ones That there was a magic goose that flew into the engines Southwest Flight 779, clear for takeoff.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns, and it's time to close the show as we always do with a round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following. This game comes to us from Ilya from New York, a follower on Twitter, or him on Twitter. I forget. I don't know. I can't tell. Yeah, follow that on Twitter, at BadChopSooey. One of our greatest listeners.

Always sends us some fun games. I'm going to say her just because I like the idea that any woman besides that Lacey chick likes this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She came out to see me at a show last night and I didn't find out until I get the tweet hours later because Mean Boys fans are shy and they just lurk in the corners. They really do. I knew she was at

Big Money last time I did it and I was looking for her and I couldn't find her. She just disappeared. Alright, anyway. From Indy. I like that's the sound of our fans scurrying into the darkness. Pitter-pattering away like cockroaches. She sent us this game like six months ago. And hey, somebody

lost it. I don't know who. This is which of the following is not a real mobster nickname? Okay. So let's go. Round one. A. Donald the Wizard of Odds Angelini. B. Johnny Sausage Barbado C. Christopher Three Bags Montella Or D. Louis Louis Ha Ha Adonazio

Okay, if your name is Johnny Sausage Barbados And you're not in gay porn What are you doing with your life? Yeah, right? That's amazing. I'm trying to decide this one based on the way I would most imagine a Guido saying their name.

Like, hey, Johnny Sausage over here. Yeah, it's like my dad, when they were coming up with baby names for me, he ran it by the baseball announcer test. Like, next up on the plate, Connor McSpadden. I was optimistic. For the frail wisp of a man he ended up with. Next up on the plate, Connor McSpadden. Like, you know, his Hebrew word. I was optimistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the frail wisp of a man he ended up with. I got some T-ball pictures that'll break your heart, gang. Let's put those on the Mean Boys Twitter. Just me and my fucking gigantic head and no hand-eye coordination, like smiling wrong. Falling over. Yeah, totally. What was the last one again? Louie, Louie Ha Ha Adonazio.

I'm going to say that one. I'm going to go with the first one, The Wizard of Odds. Mobsters don't care about Judy Garland. Bold statement. But they love L. Frank Baum. The fake one is C, Christopher Three Bags Montella. I'm not for sure that was the one that was real. Yeah.

You know, it's a well-made game of which of the following i always say uh please by the way send us your witch of the following because i think we're fucking out uh so if you got one you want to do we always love them we desperately don't want to work so please yeah and you know we desperately don't want to have to use the ones that are like kind of mediocre that are sitting in the gmail uh oh by the way always save the crit if you're gonna do all real or off fake save the the craziest real ones and just pick those first. All right. That's how you do it.

We're teaching them how to write our podcast. All right. Yeah, yeah. You've got to give the people the keys to success. I'm like the DJ Khaled of ISIS jokes. A, Charles Carollo, a.k.a. Charlie the Wop. Well, let's see. Eddie Garofalo, a.k.a. Eddie the Chink.

All right. A little on the nose there. I don't think Garofalo, a.k.a. Eddie the Chink. All right. A little on the nose there. Yeah. I don't think Garofalo is a Chinese name. I think that's... All right. Janine Garofalo. C. Salvatore Montagna, a.k.a. Sal the Zip.

Uh-oh. I don't like what D's going to be. D. Henry Morello, a.k.a. Hank the Kraut. Oh, that went way better than I thought it would. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but I do respect the grouping in these. She was like,

oh, there's a lot of people that are a.k.a. Blank the Slur. Yeah, yeah. Let me put those together. I'll see you, Ilya. I feel like the Zip one is definitely real

because that's an old-timey enough... Zip is like not the first racial slur you'd think of. Right, exactly. And zip also could just mean they're fast, and it just fits this racism thing. But it probably doesn't. It doesn't mean they're fast. It could mean they're fast.

Oh, chink might just mean he has a lot of exposed claws. Nah, chink is the fake one. I say B. All right. Jason? Yeah, I agree. The fake one is D, Henry Morello, a.k.a. Hank the Crab. Motherfucker!

Ooh, Ilya batting a perfect game out there in New York City. Three, these could all be nicknames for Joe, they say. A, George Butterass DeCiccio. Shut up! B, Antonio Fathead Didomaso. C, oh my god, Tommy Three three finger brown blue cheese or d joseph skinny joe merlino you're not gonna like what the theme of the next round is keith by the way oh no man why can't you have a trait so we can make fun of you for a round mocking me is like

punching water you know it's like bruce you know know, it's hard and it makes you look dumb. Yeah, that's the quote. Right, Jay? That's how you do it. You just got to be completely unremarkable. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, take it from two of the top white guys in the nothingness biz. You hot pair of vanilla nonsenses.

I call it the midnight pissing contest. I know, I'm sorry about my two shitty clouds. Fuck. Yeah, we're like a bad Mario level. Okay. Can you run those names one more time, please? Sure can. A, George, butter ass to Ciccio.

Okay. B, Antonio, fat head, did a maso. C, Tommy, three finger brown, Lucis. Or D, Joseph, skinny Joe, Merlino. I go with B. The yeah. Fathead. Here's the thing.

I want to believe that Butterass DeCiccio. I do too. Cannot be real. That is a cartoon. But I think it's got to be real. But it's so dumb. I can't imagine her making it up. I'm going to say the Three Finger Brown situation.

C. The fake one is Antonio Fathead DiDomaso. Son of a bitch! Jay Light is on the board. By the way, quick sidebar. When I was in Las Vegas, we were getting an Uber back to the hotel. The Uber driver, the most Italian man I've ever met, in my life, just,

and pulling out of the Cosmopolitan fucking chunks into a limousine real hard fucking bam you know and he's like oh no yeah and then he fucking pulls up and he's like no driver oh we keep going so then he drives off onto the strip and makes his escape and he's just making small talk the entire time and then out of, this blue tortoise shell comes in. But he was just like, we just committed a crime.

You are a, how you say, accessory to vandalism. Anyway. Turn this Uber around, butter ass. I'd love to ride with an Italian Uber driver. Every car smelled like garlic bread. It'd be fantastic. He was like, I'm trying to remember last time I had the bump.

It was 1997. I felt bad because I'm trying to remember last time I had the bump. It was 1997. I felt bad because he was trying to get my seatbelt secured so he was just worried about my safety and it ruined his life. Wait, a bump like cocaine?

Oh, a bump like into a car. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't that cool. I like it to party. Number four, these could all be

nicknames for Keith. A, Carmin Perisco, a.k.a. Charlie Moose. Okay, I love that. B. Butter ass again. John Porky Zansocio.

There it is. C. Girolamo Palermo, a.k.a. Jimmy Dumps. Or D. Louie Pioji, a.k.a. Louie the Lump. Jimmy Dumps. Hey, Jimmy Dumps and Lou.O.G. A.K.A. Louis the Lump. Jimmy Dumps.

Hey, Jimmy Dumps and Louis the Lump over here. Jimmy Dumps. Jimmy Dumps sounds like a place that makes fine sandwiches. No, I was about to say, that's like what happens in the bathroom after you enjoy a fine Jimmy Dean past its prime. Oh, man. Keith's got the Jimmy Dumps. Ah, fuck. Jimmy Dumps. Well, fuck. Jimmy Dumps.

Well, we're A and B. Jimmy. Well, we're A and B again. A was Carmen Persico, a.k.a. Charlie Moose. Okay. B was John Porky

Zansocio. I'm going to say Porky. I'm going with D, Louie the Lump. The fake one is A, Carmen Persico, a.k.a.

Charlie Moose. Son of a bitch. Man. All right, number five. This is a really A, Carmine Persico, a.k.a. Charlie Moose. Son of a bitch. Man. All right, number five. This is a really well... This is a well, yeah. I'm 0 for 5. Ilya knows his shit.

Oh, yeah, you got one more left, so. Yeah. Jay, just pick whatever he does, and then via game theory, you win. Sweet. Hey, shut up. All real or all fake. But like we've ever kept track of who won any game on this fucking show. I know.

I don't know why I'm getting defensive. Maybe just gotta get call to the lump. A different excuse to make jokes about ISIS. All right. I'll reel it. I'll fake a zero. The artichoke King Terranova. By the way, we're Super Mario Sunshine.

The artichoke King of Terranova sounds like a supporting character from Dune. Like, fuck this. B, Matthew, Matty the Horse, Ianello. Don't ever do that again. No dice, Gary. I cannot do any accent that isn't Scottish. They all turn into Yakov Smirnoff eventually. All right. C is James, Jamie the Lapper, La Petra.

All right. And D, Salvatore, Velvet Glove, Maceo. That's another Joe one. The Velvet Glove. Those are all kind of lame, which means you believe they might be fake. I would believe. See, I think that they're lame makes them real. See, normally I would think that, but this person is so good at this, I think it's a double fake out.

I'm going to say all fake. All right. I'm going to play game theory on this one and agree. All fake. They're all real. See, normally I would think that, but this person is so good at this, I think it's a double fake out. I'm going to say all fake. Alright, I'm going to play game theory on this one and agree. All fake. They're all real. I'll teach you. Why would you trust me? Doesn't matter. I'd still come out on top. Shut up, asshole. With an impressive victory of one to zero,

Jay wins nothing. Jay loses the least. Hey, look at Jimmy down in the dumps over here. Oh, God. Look at the fucking sassy big lips faggot or whatever. I don't know. Sassy big lips. I wasn't prepared to riff.

It was changed from sassy for God at Ellis Island. All right. Well, that was piling. We got some... That was Thousand Islands? Oh, that's way better. The person that sent us that game sent us some slams for all of us. So these are from Ilya. Connor looks like he date rapes women by putting roofies in Totino's pizza rolls.

Not bad. Connor looks like a skull shooteres women by putting roofies in Totino's pizza rolls. Not bad. Connor looks like a skull shooter who uses a slingshot. Now, that is a better skull shooter joke I've heard in a while. Jesus. Solid. She writes, Keith's fat, so that's something. Here's a list of possible new names for Keith Carey. Ham Kinison.

Paula Double Poundstone. Ray Pacharino Romano. What? Blah Blah Badheart. Weak Knee Dangerfield. Never Gonna Be Slim Jeffries. All right. Artie Lang, parentheses, will probably die soon, so you can just take his name.

All right, you're like two for eight on those, Ilya. Okay. Oh, we've got some more from Ilya. Oh, wait, no, we don't. I put those up top. We got some more slams from Connor Benson, one of my fellow Connors out there. He sent us a Mexican Jogoff joke.

A jury finds Python owner not guilty in Death of Boys, making this the only headline Keith Carey wishes was about him. I don't even know. He said, Connor, I didn't know there would be a bombing as bad as Japan until I heard Connor on the Adam Todd Brown podcast. Oh, mercy, that was funny. Yeah, very true. Connor looks like one of Donald Trump's rape babies.

You can do better. Connor McSpadden looks like he failed to get into a ska band in high school. All right. There we go. Warmer. Yeah. Connor McSpadden is so white and full of hate, he's like the used tissues after someone masturbated to torture porn.

I got bored about a third of the way through that. Keith reminds me of my aunt's Thanksgiving turkey. Round, often burnt, and thoroughly tasteless. That's like cheeky. Yeah, but it's from the New Yorker road battle. Yeah, those sound like the title cards from Show on a Logo. Oh, Ilya even addressed,

she said, last time I heard you guys, you inquired whether I was a man or a woman, and these times, who's to say? Actually, my name is Ilya. Yeah, she didn't even, they didn't even clarify. Ilya sounds like a girl's even clarify oh yeah it sounds like a girl's name that sounds like a girl it's like a girl or some sort of like ancient greek mythological situation or a russian mobster yeah that's part lady part a horse like yeah let's see if we have anything else okay guartard sends us this joke shut up isn't even a guartard i mean perfect

mean boys fan that's our fan base right there yeah crispy cream donuts has been sued for not using real fruits in their donuts. The Mean Boys con mix bed was quoted as saying, hey, key still counts as half. We cool? All right. Well, there you go. Oh, man. But don't you love our fucking. Oh, wait.

There's way more fucking slams. All right. You guys want to read more slams? Sure. Let me read some. Okay. Yeah. You can read some of the.

There's a bunch of con. You read them with the enthusiasm of a kid who was just called on to read more slams? Sure. Let me read some. Okay. Yeah. You can read some of the ones. There's a bunch of Connor ones. You read them with the enthusiasm of a kid who was just called on to read in class and is illiterate. Yeah. He's popcorning away. Where are we? We can't do Joe ones because Joe's not here. Okay.

I see. Right there. Oh, shit. I accidentally scrolled too far. There it is. Here we go. Connor looks like an albino cave lizard. Okay.

Connor looks like he drinks milk with every meal but still has a calcium deficiency. Which, this person doesn't know that but that is an excellent burn for Jay. I was about to say, these could all be

for either of us. That's true. No, this is a Jay one. Jay looks like the first attempt to clone Prince Harry. Connor looks like if an incest baby

raped another incest baby. Alright, buzzword magoo. Connor looks like if the boy from Room never escaped. Oh, shit. Only vaguely know what that movie's about. Connor looks like if Mr. Weasley fucked a bag of sun chips. What?

How is that so correct? Connor looks like the guy in the thread who constantly has to defend his increasingly homoerotic hazing suggestions. That's good. Connor looks like he has a lemonade stand as a child, but his father stole all the money and fled to Belize with his mistress. What? All right. That's a great guy.

Took a turn. Connor looks like he has more bum fight videos on his phone than pictures of his friends and family. They're called felony fights, and I'd thank you to watch Dennis versus, oh, fuck, Rampage, I think. Anyway, we'll do that for Hell's Box Seat sometime because it's one of the funniest videos of all time

Jesus Connor looks like he lost his virginity to a real doll before cutting off her head and burying it in his parents backyard I think there's more but I think we got the

gist yeah there we go okay let me see if there's any good Keith ones and wait I want to read some slams yeah let's hear it so oh yeah yeah get over you just come

take my microphone who cares such a professional operation over here guys Yeah, let Jay read some. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just come take my microphone. Who cares? Such a professional operation over here, guys. Okay. Keith looks like a juggalette who's transitioning into a juggalo who's transitioning into a beluga whale. All right. Okay. There we go.

Keith looks like he started giving blood to pay his rent but he kept giving blood for the free cookies. You just need a little better source material. That's the problem. No. Keith looks like a half deflated weather balloon filled with children's nightmares. Fuck. That's a Keith-ass joke about Keith. That is a Keith-ass joke. I literally wrote most of that joke about Jeff Ross already. Keith's so fat

his shadow has a shadow. Keith's upbringing had all the hallmarks of turning Keith into a serial killer. Of course, Keith is not a serial killer. Serial killers get more road work. Doesn't know anything about your career, clearly. I'd say Keith has his own gravitational

pull, but gravity is defined as the ability to attract. I was about to say. Matt Broussard. I was about to say. Show yourself better, Connor. Keith looks like a deep ocean sea creature that can change

its sex depending on the temperature of the water. That's the thing about these. They're mostly bad, but every once in a while you're like, damn it, nail, meat head. That's pretty great. Here's the last one one and then there's a couple for you guys uh i'm not sure what keith's ethnic background is but it looks like his ancestors come from a country whose national dress is a pickle barrel that's a long road to a pickle barrel no one is more fond of using the uh the idea of wearing barrels as pants than I am. A long road to a pickle barrel sounds like a song

they would play on the piano in a speakeasy. Yeah, that Billy Joel B-side. What? It's like a song that would be, you know, would have backed fucking, I can't think of it, Crocodile Rock. There you go. That's Elton John. You have no idea who Billy Joel is, do you?

He's Elton John's friend. Name one Billy Joel song. Piano Man. All right. Name another one. Name another one. Yeah. Piano Man 2.

The Revenge. Oh, no. Everyone's still in the shitty bar. Just checking in, everybody. I was about to say Sheila Take a Bow, but that's either either the cure or the Smiths. So I'm getting way off. Both are aggressively not Billy Joel. No, not even close. What a weird...

All right. Any more of these bullshit? I know a lot about Joy Division. Of course you do. Connor just got into Joy Division, which feels like a 30-year-old just learning how to ride a bike. I'm just like, how did it take you this long? Because I'm basically the Ian Curtis of dick jokes. You've been sad and white and boring for many years.

I can't believe it took you this long to get through a division. I have an unpleasant baritone. I'm always twitching. Oh, wait. No, that's... Anyway. My baritone is great. Listen to Jade's podcast.

You should have planned better, right? It's all over iTunes and SoundCloud. Listen to that. It's a fun time. Keith, you got anything you want to plug? Check out Roast Battle. It's all on the

Comedy Central website. The day this comes out, Tuesday, I'll be at Warp Zone at the Virgil with headliner Dana Gould. Wednesday, I'll be at the Venice Underground. Thursday, I will be at

the Good Night North Hollywood. And Friday, I will be at Sauce at Dasano Pizzeria in Silver Lake. Oh, that's a fun show. Those shows. Yeah, I'm excited. This weekend, Thursday through Saturday,

we're at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego, one of the finest comedy clubs inside of the finest malls in one of the best cities. Great club, bad mall. Yeah, confusing mall. I'll also be doing some clean comedy in between my sets at the Madhouse at Comedy Heights in San Diego. So if you want to come watch a man give himself an

aneurysm, come check those out. And the week after that, you better believe I'm coming for you, Modesto. Alright, we're doing this. Check me out at the Shadow Lounge on February 11th and something before that that hasn't confirmed a venue yet, but it's a special Valentine's Day show, which means

I'm going to do the same thing I always do. The Shadow Lounge. That sounds like the Flyer has a lot of lens flare and they offer bottle service. That's what I'm picturing. Yeah, not quite the Yu-Gi-Oh! Shadow Realm-themed bar that I would have wanted to open up in the Central Valley. Oh, and February 14th, I'll be roast-battling

Toby Merble at Comedy Store. Talk about a real white off. Oh and also tonight you can catch me at the Higher Path Collective doing lit comedy at 9 o'clock in Sherman Oaks. He's going to have to wear a Tallahassee gas mask so he doesn't get a contact tie. Hey-oh.

I think that's it boys. Shall we? Fuck everything. God is dead.