Mean Boys - EP 46 - Second Banana Hammock (feat. Nat Baimel)

Episode Date: February 7, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Mark Malloy Meets Tom Brady”, “Twitter Shuffleboard”, “Mulligans” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Insane Clown Posse lyrics by Nat Baimel. Follow our guest Nat Baimel on Twitter: twitter.com/NatBaimel Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web at www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (http://eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. We just want to remind you that our show is sponsored, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Go down. Yeah, go pick up the Carnac Asada Burrito, which prototypes are being made of as we speak. I like how we said that like it's Infinity Gems in the Marvel Universe. Like, yes, we've secured prototypes. Indeed.

The Chaos Burrito. Yeah, and we're going to put it inside of an Android and it's going to become The Vision or some shit. What else? A bit of an android And it's going to become the vision or some shit What else? A bit of an announcement just about state of affairs The Bad Audio Network is dead It's not really a thing anymore We realized very quickly that we overcommitted

So we are back to being just the regular all mean boys podcast feed The other shows that you have come to know And love and probably forget about From the Bad Audio Network Will probably be around in some capacity Tom's show, Don't Think Tank, will have its own feed. We'll probably be posting a few episodes here just to help ease that transition.

If you want to hear any of the other shows, 12 Questions or Who Cares or the sports thing, tweet those people. Just figure it out on your own. Life is cold, barren, and you rely on yourself to survive. The important thing is we tried, failed, and let down a lot of our friends oh totally well here's the thing it turns out people don't like downloading an extra gigabyte worth of shit they didn't sign up for every day who'd have thunk yeah i was i was shocked personally uh it seemed like a slam dunk to me

yeah uh but other than that uh everything is business as usual yeah tell a friend about the show if you enjoy it review it it on the old iTunes machine. And yeah. Suck on my butt. Hey, everybody. We're all just clowns squirting our flowers into a mushroom cloud. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey.

And I'm an old toddler. Yeah, you're kind of like a toddler if they age like bananas. Got a toy box full of broken dreams. Yeah, every shirt that Nat has is all just a lot of bright colored stripes that just screams I want to be molested. You have a vibe that your favorite toy is my buddy Jack who died in Vietnam in the box? Yeah, my vibe I'm doing for right now is I shop at Oshkosh, but all my friends are dead. We have a Nat by Mal friend of the show with us. Thank you for coming, Nat.

Oh, happy to be back, everybody. All right, that's enough of that fucking energy. All right, whatever. 1950s cheer. We have the actual Rhubarb Rudy in studio. Yeah, Nat really is irritatingly positive, which is, you know, I think something this show needs. I wrote that in my bio.

What is it? Just irritatingly positive. And was also on Laughs on Fox, Nat Bain sure was less than you unfortunately i know yeah it's hard to top the comments sweet 90 seconds of regional screen time uh what do you say gang you want to get in the mexican joke off hell yeah all right uh tom brady has become the first person to win five Super Bowl rings, though he still doesn't have nearly as many rings as the phones at the Atlanta PD Domestic Abuse Center. We'll later this evening.

Man, those football men are going to go home and beat their wives, guys. They're sad. Speaking of the Super Bowl, Donald Trump reportedly left his own Super Bowl party at halftime because he didn't want to watch the Atlanta Falcons win. Trump said he hadn't been that upset about a sporting event since the day he realized that one of the Mandingo fighters gets to live. Outstanding.

I didn't want to laugh, but it was so good. Graffiti was found in a New York subway car reading, Jews belong in ovens. While offended, locals insisted that if they did wind up in ovens, New York-style Jew would be way better than Chicago-style. No, you've got gotta fold the Jew It's about the water that we use to put out their ashes I'm just saying If you put the Jew on the paper plate

And it doesn't turn clear It's not a good Jew They're an oily people It makes for a good sauce What are you parmesanning the Jew for It's perfect as it is Alright now look You put a napkin on toping the Jew for? It's perfect as it is. All right, now look.

You put a napkin on top of the Jew. You get rid of that excess grease. All right, you're going to be shitting a lot better, and you got all the great flavors already in there. It's not the Holocaust. It's DiGiorno. And a similarly racist fan, the governor of Puerto Rico is pursuing a referendum that would grant the U.S. territory statehood.

The proposal includes a clause that would change the lyrics of the song to 50-shifty United States. What an old-timey bit of racism. I remember I had to sing that song when I played George Washington in the fifth grade school play. And I was like, eh, why? Just gotta bring that back. No Puerto Ricans.

Yeah, that's really why I don't think they let Puerto Rico in, is they just like having a nice even 50. Yeah, 51 sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. It's like when you have that one extra Pokemon when they throw Mew into the rotation. Yeah, 151 is bullshit.

Nah. Yeah, Puerto Rico, the Mew. Because you rarely see it, and when you do, you're like, eh, whatever. Puerto Rico evolves into Cuba. I'm sure you can learn any move, but I mean, 600 base stat total? Anyway, sorry. I don't know if you guys know, I used to play competitive Pokemon. Facebook turned 13 years old this week. To celebrate, the site

has changed its name to FuckYouMomAndDad. Green Day Rules. Wow. Well, I gotta adjust this game. Is this domain name taken? I'm surprised they're not selling more.greenday rules. Seems like a slam dunk.

A rattlesnake was found inside a toilet in a Texas home. When asked why it was in there, Tom Goss replied, What? I made a sense deprivation taint for my bitey garden hose. That's some of the best Tom Essence capturing when you said that the way you said at first i thought you said rental snake like that was like oh my god these under 25 rental snake fees are killing me i just imagine i was right in that joke like the spirit of tom like enveloped me like in ghost but instead of helping me like do pottery he's just breaking pots oh yeah no he's just like in your head like cutting wires for vocabulary connections.

Cutting out letters from a magazine to make a ransom note. All right. NASA has released new findings that show astronaut Scott Kelly's chromosomes were altered during his year-long mission in space. Kelly said in a statement he has no regrets on taking the Bang Bang Splody bus to Star Town. As soon as I heard Chromosome, my whole body quenched. You knew exactly what was coming. I was like, no! As one small step for man,

one giant mouthful of paste for mankind. You have no idea how many variations of Bang Bang Splody bus I toyed with before deciding that the simpler it was, the better. Houston, we got an uh-oh. I love when JFK went to space. The funny thing is when they hop around on the moon, they're just walking the same way they do on Earth. All right.

The website Vox has reported on a growing online movement of gay Nazi sympathizing furries. We here at the Mean Boys podcast wish Joe Dosh the best in all his post indefinites. We wish you were here. English chocolate manufacturers will reduce the size of their candy in an effort to combat childhood obesity. When asked for a statement, representatives from one chocolate factory said they're forcing us to cut down on our sweets these fat little fucks keep losing their feet but they deserve that when they don't behave now please help us because we're slaves he'll give us the hose for this i am in love

with the fact that we have a podcast where this is like maybe the third time we've done an Oompa Loompa slave song oh yeah Oompa Loompa everything hurts I buried my family in blood soaked dirt also respect on going for multiple

stanzas in the Mexican joke off song parody usually we crap out after about two and start giggling. Both move. No, I assumed it wasn't going to go well, but I'm going to go all the way with not going well. If I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail with Moxie. All right. By investing $364 billion, Tenno will become the world's largest solar power producer by the end of the decade. This comes as no surprise coming from a nation that's always aggressively preferred the sun.

All right. I thought that was always aggressively preferred the sun. Alright. I thought that was good. That was good. I like New Yorker Connor. He doesn't get to come out a lot. It doesn't get the belly laugh, but it's some of your best work. It's just the bear tipping his

top hat in the cartoon. A French artist has begun photoshopping millennials who take selfies at Holocaust memorials into actual concentration camp photographs. For more information on this institution, check out Schindler's Listical. Oh, that's everything I wanted.

Two men covered in stabies were arrested for having gay sex in a New Jersey bed, bath, and beyond. Authorities said they were shot to discover so many of Jon Bon Jovi's horcruxes in one location. They call that move the Newark County Dad Phil.

I'll be honest, I found that story and it took me two hours to come up with any punchline. It's too much. By the way, I was looking for it in the entire stall between Keith's joke and Nat's joke, but Buzz feed them a handful of soup a day.

There we go. I got it. I can finally, I just got to get it out of my head. With one more share. Work will set you free, Groupons. Oh, no. Gold star, indeed. Our own little nihilist paper boy. Oh no A gold star indeed Our own little nihilist paper boy Buzzfeed every other three days

Oh my god ISIS cut off the hands of two boys That refused to execute civilians in front of their families This lesson on accountability for kids Is a part of the radical terrorist organization's New family sitcom Leave it to Cleaver Doesn't that sound like a morality tale for like the Middle East This lesson on accountability for kids is a part of the radical terrorist organization's new family sitcom, Leave It to Cleaver. Doesn't that sound like a morality tale for the Middle East?

Just like, oh, you boys broke the antique vase. You can't just glue it back together. You've got to get a paper out and replace it. You're not going to kill these dudes in front of all their loved ones. We're going to take off your hands, all right? I thought it was from that other sitcom, Allah and the Family. No, it's Halal in the Family. Oh, God.

Kellyanne Conway defended the controversial Muslim ban by citing the entirely fictional Bowling Green Massacre. She then attempted to rally support for the troops by playing a heart-wrenching montage of all the Bothan spies who died to bring us the Constitution. An obese woman posts online while trapped in a bathtub covered in coconut oil. Speak of an effeminate flesh puddle and translucent fruit extract crying out to no one. Keith and Connor continue producing the Mean Boys podcast. That was a lot to get. That was a lot of words. I love that you sort of like hit puberty forwards into that.

Well, I saw your body just clenches. I know when the punches are coming now. That's like one of those sentences you have to say in My Fair Lady, you know? There are certain words that I've learned to fear here. Obese, round,

the name of any food and or animal. Amoeba is a trigger. Dumpster is probably going to be a mom thing. Yeah, for some reason. Globe, orb, sphere. Yeah, you get it.

The circle ones. Any one of them globular descriptors. I think that's it for the joke off, fellas. Yeah. All right. We'll see you again on the other side of whatever this is. A disastrous game for the New England Patriots as we hit the halftime mark of Super Bowl 51.

They've defied all expectations and ended up trailing the Atlanta Falcons 21-3. Tom Brady's absolutely failed to live up to his potential today, and you've got to imagine he's having a rough conversation with himself in the locker room right now. God damn it! Brady, what's going on with you? We're getting murdered out there!

I don't know, Bill. I'm just off today. Well, you better get it together! I'm trying. Can I just get five minutes? Get your head in the fucking game, Brady. Come on, Tom. You can do this. You're the greatest. Ah, shit. What's the use? Maybe I'm washed up. Jesus fucking fuck. Where's the goddamn bathroom around here? Fucking Texas.

Look, I know you morons can't read, but would a sign kill you for the rest of us? Who are you? I'm the guy who's about to take a $12 beer shit in his pants if he doesn't find a toilet in the next 30 seconds. Wait a fucking minute. Holy shit, kid, you're Tom fucking Brady! How'd you get in here? Are you kidding me? I'm Mark Malloy. I'm the biggest fucking Pats fan in the world. I wasn't gonna miss this.

I mean, yeah, tickets were like $3,000, but I know a guy who knows a guy who I knocked out with a sock full of quarters and then snuck in the crew entrance. I can't believe I'm talking to Tom fucking Brady. Yeah, thanks. Can you leave me alone I can't believe I'm talking to Tom fucking Brady. Yeah, thanks. Can you leave me alone? Nothing personal.

I'm just having a rough day. A rough day, he says. Jesus getting crucified was a rough day. You're getting buck-fucked by about 40 cumulative feet of Atlanta dick out there. I know. You made about as many fucking connections as my autistic cousin at an eye contact convention. I did it. I mean, shit. I ain't seen somebody choke that bad since I held a broad's nose closed while it blew a load in her mouth.

I called it the salty water board. Are you fucking serious right now? I'm sorry. I'm just saying. What am I gonna do? I'm letting everyone down. Bill, the fans, Boston. You know what's worse, though?

I'm letting myself down. Look, kid. I've been where you are right now. Let me tell you a story. When I was 14 years old, I was on a flag football team. Worst in Boston, swear to God. We went the whole fucking season, didn't score one touchdown. We got beat by Sister Mary's, Our Lady of Eternal Peace, even Temple Best Shalom.

You think it stings getting beat by the Falcons? Try getting shut down by a bunch of asthmatic heebs. But in the last game of the season, me and the boys are sitting in the locker room at the half, just like you and me right now. And I look at these scrappy fucks and I say, hey, you bunch of queers, we got two options right now. We can either sit here with a thumbs up of butts, crying about being losers, or we can go out there,

go hard, and show these cocksuckers how Southie does it. So we start cheering, and we run out of that locker room, and we run right into the other team's locker room and find Sister Catherine. She's the nun that does cleanup cleanup for first catholic real hot far as nuns go and so i whip my dick out and i start jerking it and i look at it and i'm like hey tell this off you butt nasty bride of christ and she starts yelling at me but she doesn't stop looking at my dick she's like fucking hypnotized like my cock's that spooky snake from the jungle book or whatever and i think she's gonna call the monsignor to come beat my ass before I can get my nut off.

But then she drops to her knees and starts sucking me off. I swear to fucking God, kid. And the rest of the boys, they're fucking down to clown, you know what I'm saying? So 15 seconds later, we're tag teaming this broad and passing her around like one of Steven Jefferson's blunts behind the dumpster at Dunkin'. And she's a virgin because of fucking God or whatever. So this is top shelf pussy. Her pussy's so tight it feels like an asshole

And her asshole feels like a super asshole I flipped her over and tried to cornhole her My dick felt like when Wile E. Coyote runs into the side of a cliff Because that homo roadrunner painted a tunnel on it But I grab a can of that grease paint y'all put under your eyes And I'm a guy from my way up in a lower colon We worked her over for like 20 minutes Every kid got a crack at her except for Petey Murphy

He hadn't hit puberty yet, so he just did lookout. Good kid. He's a cop now. By the end of it, she was covered in so much webby teenage Irish jizz, she looked like she just got woke up from one of them robot pods in the fucking Matrix. Anyway, we go out and lose that game. Quit football after that. Got more into listening to Zeppelin and railing Percocets.

More of a hobby after my own heart. What were we talking about? I think I get it. Thanks, Mark. All right. I'll it. Thanks, Mark. All right. I'll get out of your hair. I'm going to go watch that ding-dong Lady Gaga

do whatever spaceman crotch-popping nonsense she's got planned. Hey, before I leave, can I ask a favor? You want a picture? No, I want to kiss one of your rings.

No homo. I respect you. You're the greatest of all time, Tom. Sure. Un-fucking-believable. It still tastes like Giselle's pussy goop.

All right, go get them you fucking Nancy Tom Brady, you just led the Patriots To the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history What are you gonna do next? I'm going to Disneyland And I'm gonna buttfuck Roger Goodell's wife In the Haunted Mansion Alright, ladies and gentlemen The Mean Boys podcast returns with a new game.

Boys, let's play Twitter Shuffleboard. The premise of this game is you're going to have some... I'll give you a Twitter handle or a specific tweet, and you'll have to guess how many followers that person has or how many favorites they have. And whoever gets the closest will get the point for that question. Okay. You guys pretty self-explanatory?

You guys get it? I get it. We go on Price is Right rules like close to that going over or are we just going You know, yeah, let's go play Price is Right rules. I like that. So for this one, number one, we have Mystery, the pickup artist. He is at Mystery3SR. How many followers does Mystery have? Fuck.

Like blue checkmark Mystery? You know, some of these don't have the blue checkmark But he's confirmed to be the real one, though? He's confirmed, yeah. I've done my research on these. I was also devastated that Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle deleted his Twitter because I had a very specific tweet I wanted to use for this. That would have been so fun. Because he tweeted like nine times

like six years ago. Oh, man. This one sucks because whatever the answer is going to be is going to be entirely too high. I know you couldn't do this research, but I wish there was a sub count of how many of these are just eggs. I'm going to say 32,500. I'm going to go way higher than that. I'm going to say 900,000.

All right. Mystery has 12.3 thousand followers. Oh, shit. Wow. Yeah. You know, the years have not been kind to Mr. Mystery. Damn. Or his three second rule.

So I guess that means no one's on the board yet. I don't want to gloss over what is the three second rule. Oh, that's like where you have like three seconds to make a bitch's pussy wet or whatever dumb mystery shit he decides. That's his whole thing. I like that you clearly know what it is, but then you like bat your,

it's that thing the dumb guy says. No, I don't know what it refers to specifically, but I imagine it's something to do with like, you got three seconds to make him,

to show her your dumb hat. If you don't, you're going to lose her to the sands of time forever, bro. Or whatever. I don't know. It's not like I read the book or anything.

Didn't read the book. I mean, I did watch both seasons on VH1 while I was drunk with my friends. By the way, three-second rule couldn't even go three seasons, Mr. Mystery. Explain that, you scoundrel. All of the fancy hats in the world couldn't save you. By the way, I added this guy on Facebook, and I said it so his shit shows up first, and it's just hilarious. Sometimes he just gets sad in the middle of the night

and he's like, I have kids I've never met. Mystery. Yeah, mystery's life is fucking bad, dude. All right, anyway. He's named after his kids. That's pretty damn good. Number two, Chewbacca Mom, at Candice Payne. How many followers does she have?

Ah, this bitch. The thing is, she's done nothing since, so I feel like there's probably been a drop off. She didn't even do anything when she did the thing. She just existed and then we decided she got to be rich. Yeah. Fuck.

She seems like she's more of a Facebook than a Twitter person so I feel like that'll eat into it a little bit. Yeah, that's like every dumb mom though. That's my thought as well. I'm gonna say 11,000. Matthew. I'm going to say 11,000. Matthew. I'm going to say 22.

Chewbacca Man has 8,088 followers. Damn. We are severely overestimating these horrible celebrities. This is like the hardest game we play on this show. But at the same time, well done, Twitter people. Yeah. Standing your ground. I'm like, okay, I'm glad they don't...

I would have thought they would have had more, most of them. I'm glad I have friends who have more Twitter followers than Chewbacca Mom. Makes me feel good. Alright, number three, Steve Harwell, the lead singer of Smash Mouth. At Steve Harwell, how many followers does this guy have? I'm just going to write, this is Steve Harwell specifically, not

Smash Mouth. No, not the band Smash Mouth. Now, somebody once told me. No, I'm kidding. Well, I know. I remember seeing Smash Mouth's Twitter account a while ago. It was when Carrie Fisher died. If you're not following him, you're following him. Oh, I saw that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they decided, oh, this is a wonderful opportunity to plug our band. And I remember them being, oh, God, it was like probably 100,000 or something Alright I learned my lesson I'm going to say 4,500 I'm going to go a little higher than that I'm going to say even 10,000 Steve Harwell is 3,590

Jesus Christ Bro okay I am shockingly close to eclipsing this So Nat has more followers I forgot you're like like, good at Twitter. Shut up, faggot. This is the weirdest honor I've ever felt in my entire life. You're an all-star, Nat.

Yeah, dude. You guys are not good at this. Next question. Get the tweet faves. You're gay. Vince Offer, the Shamwell guy. At real Vince Offer. Five. Five? I've learned my lesson

That wonderful woman puncher Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do Vince Offer has 1388 Gary's on the board Wait, 1388? Oh my god, that's depressing So do we all have more Twitter followers than him? Yes, we do

Alright, now moving on to the Guess the Faves portion. This is a tweet by 311, the band, at 311. Thanks for clarifying. Yeah, and it's a picture and it says, Pint and Pilsner glasses now back in stock, the311store.com. Pint and Pilsner glasses with the 311 logo. How many favorites did this get? How many people live in Long Beach?

Because that. That many. How many favorites or retweets? How many favorites? Or likes, rather. 432. I'm going to say 25. Got 97 likes.

Yes! I really overestimated 311. Well, 311. Yeah, right? Well, 311's one of those bands who you don't think of as being big and then you realize they have a huge draw in the dumb douche idiot community.

Oh, you should have seen how many retweets the Fantasy Springs Casino co-headlining Sugar Ray Smash Mouth flyer got that was clearly photoshopped by someone with only very rudimentary skills.

It was like coming up on a thousand faves and I was like, you guys, I like Smash Mouth and I was like, you guys, I like Smash Mouth, and I'm embarrassed for you. I like Sugar Ray. All right, next question. Guess the faves.

Frankie Muniz, at Frankie Muniz, verified on Twitter. Is there anything more annoying than an automatic sink that doesn't automatic? Oh, boy. Oh, God. I want him in the middle of two big stone walls and crushing his head together. I would do another joke middle of two big stone walls. They're crushing each other together. I would do another joke, but he only has one thing to reference off of.

You don't got any hot Agent Cody Banks riffs? Dude. Or any hot Agent Cody Banks 2 Mission London riffs? I remember Bonnie. Any big fat liar jokes? I go deep on the Frankie Munizography, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. There's no Munizography, all right?

Yeah. A Munizography sounds like a form of government they would have had back in the Mesopotamian Bronze Age. A Munizographical government where one tiny boy did one thing and then everyone worshipped him forever. Where the god was a pot with the only grape in it.

Yeah, he's just like a full-time race car dude now. Yeah. I see him at the Long Beach Grand Prix every year. Fuck. Automatic saying doesn't automatically. It's the perfect level

of stupid joke for Twitter, so I'm going to say 12,400. I'm going to go way lower than that and hope I'm right. Oh, sorry.

I meant 1,200. Oh, okay. Never mind. 1,240. I'll go a little higher. I'll go 1,500. That joke has 459 likes. All right. Still way too many. All right. a little higher. I'll go 1,500. That joke has 459 likes.

All right. Still way too many. All right. You guys still lose. We've all had better. Why do we refuse to get better at this game? I don't know. We're all tied up.

By the way, this game, every single time, is going to have a Gary Busey and a Larry King. Yes! Let's move on to Larry King. I've never liked Ferris wheels, dot, dot, dot. It's my two cents. I was like, this is Larry King or Gary Busey? This is Larry King. Oh, my Christ.

What is the Gary Busey one going to be? You have no clue. Larry King, this is just a recent one, too. Larry King does a thing on Twitter. It's a hashtag called my two cents, where he just says the most batshit, random, banana nonsense. And it's fucking amazing. All right. Larry King, Ferris wheels, not a fan.

358. I'm going to say 359. Suck eight dicks. You guys both suck. It's 138. God damn it. He's so famous, though. And that was so whimsical.

Yeah, but people love Ferris wheels, guys. I mean, it's just the stuff. All right. Out of his millions of followers he's only got 138 people okay all right if i know anything i know gary bucey so i'll pull away with this one all right all right gary bucey writes i came in here on a miracle shaped like a heart i mean that is my favorite are you sure bruce springsteen didn't say that i was gonna say my chemical romance personally no it's too chipper for them but it's like that I mean, that is my favorite. Are you sure Bruce Springsteen didn't say that? I was going to say My Chemical Romance, personally.

No, it's too chipper for them. But it's like that sassy, ironic chipper that they would do. Oh, yeah, it's true. The upbeat song. The next one's like, just kidding, I have cancer. Yeah, exactly. You got to imagine Gary Busey surfing like, you know, like a little like, what do they call those things where it just goes in the shallow water? Wakeboard?

Yeah, wakeboarding on a heart. And then jumping off and just kicking sand up onto a bunch of kids. Each one of his giant teeth is smiling. Oh, yeah. Each one has its own smiley face. I want somebody to... If anybody in the Mean Boys audience wants to do this, I want to Photoshop where it's Tom Hanks playing the big piano from Big with his feet, but the keys are just

Gary Busey's teeth. Please make that for us, and I will do nothing for you. Nat, I guess first last. I'm going to say 92. It's going to be a dick. 93.

That is 156 likes. Damn it. I win the game. There is one more question. Oh, wait, no no there's two more This one is from John Kasich It says keep up with Governor Kasich by adding him on At Snapchat and it's got a picture of his Snapchat code How many likes

Does John Kasich's Snapchat plug have Okay hang on Look if you're in the government You don't get to have a Snapchat No that's no way to disseminate information to the people. Nah. Yeah, we don't ruin that for everybody. You shouldn't get fucking political information the same way I get

butts and stuff. Here's also a thing. I don't think you should be able to be on Snapchat if you tuck your t-shirt into your jeans, John Kasich. I just don't think John Kasich should be allowed to do anything. Except for maybe be president, because dear God, what have we done? Shit, the Snapchat. how long ago was this posted does it say uh this was from three days ago oh okay then much lower uh guys think it was like during the election maybe ah god i'm gonna say oh 86 net i'm gonna sit oh jesus christ i'm gonna say I'm gonna say 5

It has 50 likes One for Nat the race is tightening I believe there's only one question left This final question is Are they on Twitter Former Vice President Dan Quayle Is Dan Quayle on Twitter

Not a chance in hell He is not on Twitter Dan Quayle on Twitter? Not a chance in hell. He is not on Twitter. Dan Quayle, not on Twitter. All right, we've got a tie game. Who cares? You did say it like there was going to be some fantastic tiebreaker. Yeah, no, that's not really the point of the game. I don't know if we've been doing this for well over a year,

and we refuse to care about the games at all. All right, name a person just any person that dave okay um you know dave that dave all right you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna we're gonna do this no no cheating are we doing a tiebreaker we're doing a tiebreaker okay how many followers does mean boys superfan ryan colby 1984 have Oh, Christ. I'm going to say 9. I'm going to say 11. He's got 551. Net win!

Yes! Oh my god, we did 9-11! In honor of Ryan Colby. Wait, Ryan Colby has 500 followers? He's following like 1,800 people. Even then, but I remember Ryan Colby used to have like 12. I think we've boosted his profile considerably. Yeah.

His fucking footprint is way too... Yeah, some of these people need it. Some people don't need voices. Oh, definitely. Any whoozle. That's Twitter Shuffleboard. You did this to yourselves. We'll be right back.

Socket to me? Thanks for meeting me today. Yeah, I just... I'm glad we're talking. Yeah, me too. Everything's just been really tense lately. I know. Okay, this is hard to say

so I'll just say it. I... I think we should break up. What? Rachel, please, just listen to me. Why? I love you. We can make this work. Please don't do this, John. Just let me get through this, please. All right, welcome to Mulligans.

My name's Carson. I'm going to be helping you guys out today. Yeah, can you just give us a minute? Can I start you guys off with some drinks? Soda? Iced tea? Coffee? Beer? Wine? Whiskey? Whiskey for me? I'm just joshing you. We like to have fun at Mulligan's. Diet Coke? Watching your curlish figure, huh? I'm just messing with you, buddy.

We're kind of in the middle of something. And how about for you, little lady, maybe a milkshake? We got the brand new Fudgy Palooza Double Nut Crunch Shake with chocolate ice cream, chocolate sauce, and big ol' chunks of brownie batter. I'll just have a water, please. All all right let me know if you change your mind cool thanks bye i'll be right back take your time nope so you're sure should we go somewhere else were you fucking that whore from your office john don't call susan a whore that's not fair tell me the truth did you fuck her yeah i did are happy? Is that what you want to hear? I knew it. You're pathetic. You're making

a scene. I don't give a shit. Drink's coming at ya. Oh my god. Diet Coke and water and presto bango, here's some straws. You crazy kids ready to order? Or did you want to start off with an appetizer? Just tell me why you did it, John. Because I'm a man with needs, god damn it. And we haven't had sex in two months. I don't know

what happened, but you turned cold. Hey, I'll tell you what. She might be cold, but our new sriracha clucking nuggets are hot, hot, hot. Why would I? You haven't made me comment over a year. You're a selfish fuck. Hey, you know what's guaranteed to hit the spot and fill you all the way up? Our brand new Philly cheesesteak fries.

Seasoned sirloin, melted provolone, and our classic Mulligan steakhouse fries with a side of ranch. Om nom nom nom party. You think I wasn't unsatisfied too? What do you want? You want to get back at me? You want to fuck this dipshit waiter right now so we'll be even? Hey, usually I'm getting a tip, not giving one Alright, well hey I'm going to let you lovebirds take a couple more minutes with the menus

Flag me down if you need a refill on that DC, yeah? Kill yourself, Carson. All right, good times at Mulligan's. Woo! How did this happen to us? We just... We haven't been the same since... Since the miscarriage.

I know. I just felt like a monster. I just pulled away from you because I I thought you Deserved a woman who could carry your daughter And also Never be born Woo Uh oh you know what that sound is

That's the birthday bell We got a birthday in the house of Mulligans And everybody's gonna get in on this sing along Come on We got a birthday in the house of Mulligans. And everybody's going to get in on this sing-along. Come on. It's a birthday. Birthday, birthday, banana, nana, foo, birthday. Me, my mom, birthday. Birthday.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. She would have been beautiful. I was going to name her Susie after my mom. That's a great name. Susie, Susie, Susie, banana, nana, foo, foo, Susie. Me, my name her Susie after my mom. That's a great name. Susie, Susie, Susie, banana, Fanta, Foo Foo Zee, me, my, Moo Moo Zee, Susie. God damn it, I love

mulligans! And the Mean Boys podcast is back. We're gonna close the show out as we always do with a round of our game that we are forced to play every week because we committed to it. Witch of the following. Whoa. Just tired of calling it my favorite is all. Hey, man.

I like other games. Yeah. Well, you love new names. Why do you love everything that sucks? I don't know. Why do I love you? Speaking of things that suck, Nat has provided our Witch of the Following for today. What are we doing? I sure did.

He said that it was his turn to get snacks for soccer practice. Snacks for soccer practice is Nat's spirit animal. Yeah, Nat is providing the animal practice. Just a gummy bear stuck in a car seat. I'm a human go-gurt. Oh my god, so accurate. So self-aware. Today we will be playing which of the following is not

a real insane clown posse lyric. And frankly, I cannot believe it took us this long. Yeah, right? Me too, as a matter of fact. Are you guys still trying to do the gathering? We gave up on that mostly because we forgot and then stopped doing the show for a couple months. Yeah, you know. But you know, if any ICP heads out there,

now me and Connor both have pretty serious TV credits. Yeah, guys. We'll get Joe to come back. We've got a cumulative nine minutes of Comedy Central screen time between us. Yeah. Only some of which was spent in each other's mouths. Yeah. All right.

This is what happened when me and Keith were shooting an episode of Burn Booth the other day. Someone's like, what, were you on Rose Pal? And Keith's like, yeah. He's like, you're good. And I was like, yeah, I was the guy that made out with him. He's like, I remember that too. Tight, tight. Old second banana hammock over here.

Well done. Possible episode title. Second banana hammock. I like it. Got it. Alright, so fun fact about this. I didn't even need to look up most of these lyrics. I like them unironically. I don't hate them. I mean, that's the thing. If the ICB is listening, I fun fact about this. I didn't even need to look up most of these lyrics. I like them unironically. I don't hate them. I mean, that's the thing. If the ICB is listening, I want to be clear.

This is not just because we want to mock you. Although, mercy, that is part of it. But I also kind of, like, Miracles is a banging song. Yeah. Here's the thing. Like, a lot of people are into good music, but you can't forget bad music. It's pretty good, too. I am a sommelier of garbage.

And truly, this is some fucking double-aged oak barrel bullshit that you people have been pulling over. Oh, yeah, well, and Keith is smoking his pack of Fortuna cigarettes, like all the trashiest things. He's like, here's what you want to do. Yeah, I'm smoking a brand of cigarettes that do not exist. I'm trolling for anonymous sex on the internet.'m with you icp i love that i'm a

human goger you're a samoyed garbage if we did the dry to muzzy fusion dance we create a connor all right first one a i stabbed norman Smiley in the middle of a match. He was like, what are you doing? I said, fucking relax. B. All the freaks they pull and all the cars they drive, only we rap about fucking a beehive. Oh, my God. Okay. Sorry.

If fucking a beehive is real, then I'm marrying the ICP because I've been using go fuck a beehive as an insult for years. Yeah, he has. C, I'll slash your stomach with a rusty machete and spill guts on my wife beater like fucking spaghetti. And D, I'll bend you over and tie you up to a pole and stretch your nuts back and fling them up your butthole. There's a lot just just physically wrong with that. I think I have my guess. I have mine as well. What are you guessing? I'm guessing A. I'm going with B.

I think you might have seen the beehive thing on Facebook. The correct answer is C. I thought the rustling thing was a tip-off to Nat's own... I'm both heartbroken and honored that something that has been my go-to insult for years was already an ICP lyric. Back in like 2000.

Oh my god. That hurts. It also feels good. Yeah, I'm actually a bit alarmed. I'm talking between the two dots on the mic. Oh, there we go. Yeah, there you go. Sorry, I Tom Gossed it there.

Yeah. All right. Nobody on the board. Two. What is a juggalo? They're family, you know Swinging they hatchets And sipping they Faygo Oh my

B What is a juggalo? That sounds a little bit too much Like the fucking Like the intro song And Oliver Twist Like You've got to pick a pocket or two

Sipping Faygo, you know Yeah, it's a little bit too Anyway, proceed or two. Sipping Faygo, you know? Yeah, it's a little bit too... Anyway, proceed. You'll notice this is a themed round. B, what is a juggalo? Well, he ain't a phony. He'll walk up and bust a nut in your macaroni. Oh, damn it. C,

what is a juggalo? A hulkamaniac. He powerbombs motherfuckers into thumbtacks. And D. What is a juggalo? He drinks like a fish and then he starts hugging people like a drunk bitch. How many roads must a

juggalo walk down before you can call him a clown? Oh my gosh. I got to go see again. That's the Hulk Hogan one? Yeah. I think that's real. I'm going to say the Come and the Macaroni.

The correct answer is A. Which one was A? Oh, the Faygo one. Yeah. Damn it. Damn it. I made it so obvious. Also, fun fact, Conor, for future reference, they're actually former professional wrestlers,

so it comes up a lot in their music. I did not know that, but that makes all the sense in the world. Oh, yeah. They actually have their own wrestling organization that does shows at the Gathering. We should go to the Million, like, fucking Juggalo March or whatever that's happening. I'm dead serious. That would be worth the plane ticket. I did.

I would, yeah. Just to record a lot. For the love of God, if we're not doing a burn booth at the march of the juggalos what are we i've been pitching this for years we also might get killed dude i i just look if you give me juggalos that like in terms of like things you can roast that's the kobe beef i'm just making sure you knowing you're about to be stabbed with like a rusty hepatitis pipe and just being like this is a good day to die yeah that's how i want to go out, dude. Doing aggressive crowd work on fucking people that can't

see their kids anymore because they're way too into makeup. That's Connor's witness me. Alright. Three. I got a five-story fun house with a maid, and she walks around with her titties hanging out, and when I cough, she'd come and dust my balls off.

Alright. Rhymes keeps a little wacky on that one. It sure is. She walks around with her titties hanging out, and when I cough, she'd come and dust my balls off. All right. B. Rhymes keeps a little wacky on that one. It sure is. That's like an ABA666. I didn't know the Dark Carnival was an iambic pentameter. Pentameter. I know I said it wrong.

I just didn't want you to think I thought that's how it was pronounced. Pentadler. Yeah, those are those magicians in Vegas. We've got the fat, dumb one and the one that don't talk Anyway, continue B. This ain't no fucking fan club It ain't about making a buck Don't buy her fucking action figures, bitch, I don't give a fuck

C. Yeah C. Yeah, I fucked her I ain't a little bitch I stuck it in her net and then drew mushrooms on my dick That has to be real Or D, I'm a serial killer. It's a bad habit. I killed Tony Lucky Charms and the Silly

Rabbit. Can you read me A one more time? Or A was the maid funhouse. It sure was. B? B was, this ain't no fucking fan club. It ain't about making a buck. Don't buy her fucking action figures, bitch. I don't give a fuck. Oh, God. I'm gonna say

B. I'm gonna say D because it's so... I feel like it's too clever for the Insane Clown Posse. I think this is part of... What have you learned from this game? I think it's part of Nat's Insane Clown Posse packet he's putting together. Insane Clown Packet? Oh, the correct answer is C. Yeah, I i fucked her i ate a little bitch i stuck

into her net and then drew mushrooms on my day that's upsetting that you made that up yeah net what's what's better is uh so i was running these by my girlfriend to see if she could tell what was oh i'm sure it was thrilled no no so when i read this one specifically she said well i know the first one the last one are real because you've wrapped those to me multiple times what an adorable and terrifying relationship it's weird that you're thinking of these things when each one of your eyebrows literally look like the mustache of a friendly cop damn we're losing this fucking game keith oh god i'm so close to a perfect hitter here four you take some lsd before you did this game like that one fucking picture Man, we're losing this fucking game, Keith. Oh, God, I'm so close to a perfect hitter here. Four.

Did you take some LSD before you did this game, like that one fucking pitcher? I'll be honest, this came way more naturally than the Mexican joke off, which is upsetting. Yeah, you're in your element here. Alrighty, four. A, I'll take your daddy's screwdriver and jam it in my eye and won't even blink. Wicked clowns can't never die. B, if you're a little kid, I'm going to take you. B if you're a little kid I'm a take you and if you're a neck I'm a break you see the country

we live in was built by slaves beat down and murdered and stuffed in their graves Wow and political woke clown posse and D I'll eat a bowl of cluster bombs and spread jellyfish on my toast i'll fucking grease my ass up then sit on top of a flight post

what a weird brag that last one is like i don't even understand the point they're trying to make nor i like i'm gay and hungry for fish like yeah and cluster bombs for some reason i'm gonna say i'm gonna say B again. Which one was B? Was it the kid one? Yep. That's the one, I think. The correct answer is A.

Motherfuck. Dude, fuck this. Nat. Nat, I hate you. Yeah. I don't like how good I am at this. No, nobody does. You shouldn't. No.

All right. All or nothing. All right. It's a 50-50, at least, for this one. Yeah. One of you pick one of each. Shut up, you handsome chimp. B, or sorry, five.

All real or all fake? A, from the clouds came a big fucking storm, lightning red, that blew shit all around and filled us with dread. B. Hang on. That feels like a line from, like, the Lorax or some shit

This is like from the Juggalos Rewrite the book of Genesis Juggalos getting nasty Up on Mount Crumpet And on the seventh day God painted his face B But I had a hot iron I'm too fast

I shoved that shit right up Shady's ass C As I walked through the killing field The headless aftermath blood splattered like morning dew I had a hot iron. I'm too fast. I shoved that shit right up Shadi's ass. C. As I walked through the killing field, the headless aftermath, blood splattered like morning dew, three more ninjas in my path. D. When the curtain finally falls on this carnival of hate and our painted faces are scrubbed clean, that'll be great. I don't like that introspective.

Yeah. I just want to be an artist, man. Yeah. I don't like when... I don't like these insane clowns waxing poetic. Oh, my introspective clown posse. I'm going to say all fake. I'm going all real, just so we can have a winner here. They are all fake. I actually paraphrased Mark Twain, Chaucer, Robert Frost, and Maya Angelou.

Damn it. That might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. That's one of the best closing switcheroos. Goodbye, Maya Angelou. Dude, this is... I'm sure she's thrilled. I don't know if they need a ghostwriter or a spooky ghostwriter. Somebody who can write some spooky jokes for kids, perhaps?

Okay, it's coming. Coming this year, the Spooky Jokes for Kids children's book. I'm going to do it. I don't think you're legally allowed to sell a children's book after the things we've said on this show. Dude, no, I'm going to put it out under, I forget the alias. My alias for Jolly Jokes for Kids is going to be Chris T. Massey. I hate that so much. Yeah, or, you know, I'll figure one out.

The Mean Boys Mailbag. It should just be Hal O apostrophe Ween. Ooh, I like that. All right. Well, hey, guys, pre-order it. Figure it out, all right? Available on something somewhere. Send an envelope full of cash to the iTunes offices.

All right, we put out some questions for the Mean Boys mailbag. Next week, email us your questions about death. Send those in to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. We're going to the website, meanboyspodcast.com. If you can't figure it out, you're dumb and you don't deserve our interaction with you. Anyway, let's read some of these. Will you guys ever tour Texas? If you guys do, you can crash in my place.

This is coming from a man whose profile picture is a chibi anime girl. So 100% fuck no. Hard pass. Yeah. Well, I read the thing first before the picture loaded and i was like oh what a sweet person then i saw like anime girl i'm like oh no not even because like i think i'm gonna get like killed or anything i just feel like i'm gonna have to talk to that person for a while right yeah that's i i'd rather take my chances with the coyotes honestly yeah

yeah also texas yeah right like what about the show i do show? I barely want to go there as it is, and nothing is going to sweeten the pot like a weird anime dork. Yeah. Anyway, which terrible celebrity do you think should be president next? That's actually a pretty good question. I mean, we do live in a world where you could literally make anyone president now. I think The Rock. I think The Rock would be a good... The Rock's going to be another fucking Republican, though.

No, I don't think so. The Rock's a Republican. He's the people's champ, though. No, I don't think so. The Rock's a Republican. He's the people's champ, though. Yeah, but some of the people are Republicans. A bunch of them are. Not most of them, but somehow enough. I'm going to Google, is The Rock a Republican? Somebody told me that he was a pretty staunch Republican.

Two weeks of speculation. Okay, I guess he spoke at the Republican National Convention in 2000. Well, I mean... Well, then again, it's 2000 versus 2017. A lot's happened. Yeah. And what being... I mean, even that... Danny Trejo. Danny Trejo's my pick for celebrity president.

Ooh, I like that. It's that whole blowback, because it's like the identity politics. We were blowing back with Trump, and now we're going to do super blowback with the most Mexican person we can find. I'm going to try to think of a chick and just in the interest of Magente don't discriminate.

Dude, I mean We're going to war. I got this. Mostly has, you know, it's from a different branch of government, but I think Judge Judy would be a good one. Judge Judy for the Supreme Court just like nags Iran

into like okay we will stop importing uranium from Russia shut up I'll be honest I'm surprised Trump didn't appoint

her to the Supreme Court I wish that would've been great the same guy that offered to let us cross in Texas writes would you ever let a Mexican like me

be on the show no we have standards yeah hard pass next question if you were all Dragon Ball Z characters who would you be now he's not a big a Mexican like me be on the show? No, we have standards. Yeah, hard pass. Next question. If you were all Dragon Ball Z characters, who would you be? Now, he's not a big

Dragon Ball Z fan. Me and Nath, you are. Very much so. Can I be Trunks? Trunks looks cool. Trunks is pretty cool. Yeah. I've got to be honest,

I feel like you're more of an Oolong. I don't know what that is, but I'm sure it's fat. Oh, my God. Well, I'm going to Google him. I feel like, I think I know what this is.

All right. Do you want to take a guess at what Oolong is? I have a perfect log line ready for after he guesses. Just show me the goddamn picture. He is a... It's a fat fatty who fats. No, it's right here. It's this guy.

He's a pig with his buddies. All right. Cool. Well... He's a shapeshifting perverted pig. Yeah. Okay. Actually, hang on.

I'm kind of on board with this. Who's also a communist, I think. Yeah. Still on board. Yeah, yeah, yeah um well president trejo is gonna be i gotta be honest i mean i wish i was future trunks i think i'm more of like a like a fucking tn or just sort of a vaguely irrelevant you know like takes him too seriously three-eyed fuck like i'd love to say that i'm a gohan but but realistically, I'm probably... You're like a Gohan when he becomes a family man and gets boring. Yeah. Actually, you're right.

That is exactly what I am. All right. There's your answer. Compelling. Now, let's see. Another question from Anime Face. What is your favorite anime? I like Cowboy Bebop.

That one's pretty good. I don't really like anime. I tried. I like Berserk. You know what? G Gundam. Tight. It, that one's pretty good. I don't really like anime. I tried. I like Berserk. You know what? G Gundam. Tight. It's the best form of government.

It's every... You told me about this. No, here's how it works. And you tell me if we'd have a better political system if this was implemented. Each country builds a giant robot and puts a badass dude inside of it. All of the giant robots are super racist and themed with their country then the gundams fight on the ruins of earth for who gets to run earth and space for the next like year or whatever and uh japan always wins because that's where they animate it so i'm into that yeah it's pretty

pretty dope uh god i want to see a trump gundam now there's no way it will legit oh the american gundam is literally uh piloted by a guy named Chibity Crockett. And the mechanics are... Shut the fuck up! Yeah. And the mechanics are a bunch of hot chicks, multiracial hot chicks that just work on his robot. And he just does an attack called Machine Gun Punch where he's just like a boxer and he just punches you a bunch. I changed my mind.

Anime rules. Yeah. There's no way to have a legitimacy. So how can I trick my dad into respecting me? How do you trick your dad into respecting you? Number one, delete this page. Like, delete all contact with the Mean Boys podcast. Yeah, I was about to say, stop listening to this.

I'd say beat him up. Yeah. It's not really a trick. I don't know. Fuck him. Yeah. Yeah, your dad's going to be like, oh, caught me slipping. Yeah, just do it once.

He's going to be weird around you forever. He's going to be surrendering his fucking top ramen packets to you in the yard yeah i think it's families are like prison right i didn't have a family so i don't really know yeah you sure the dad um well lightening the mood when will the mean boys come to chicago uh soon hopefully probably never i don't know we uh we're gonna try and get on the road and do some road stuff both separately and together this year so if you live a place

and you know a place where you think we would do well let us know yeah hit us up and I want to be clear I mean like people with actual connections

to like things or venues or art spaces not somebody going hey you should do the laugh factory in Chicago yeah I agree

I should but well yeah not someone with like a vague like pink haired cartoon that's just got a lot of good ideas. What I'm saying is, fuck this anime person.

Oh, this is an anime person. This is a different guy. He's wearing a fedora in his picture. Ah, come on! Stop being so on-brand! I know. How did your first stand-up sets go? Where was it? What was the crowd like? Oh, that's a fun one. I got exactly one laugh in a three-minute set. Where'd it what was the crowd like that's a fun one i got exactly one laugh

in a three minute set where uh where'd you go for the first time uh flappers claremont oof yeah how old were you i think 16 maybe 17 i'm not sure okay but i was a little baby it was at my college's amateur comedy competition and i say this with all humility i crushed and then i proceeded to bomb for years afterwards but i was held afloat by that one memory i think i had similar i did the uh the library in long beach was my first set and i did like very well and i was like oh i guess i'm just great at stand-up and then the next week i just ate just the hottest pile of shit and i had invited my mom to the open my i didn't know. I didn't know how it worked. Yeah.

The same guy writes, if you guys were animals, what would you be? Panda. No, pandas don't fuck. I think we get to pick the other person's animals. I think that's only fair. Okay. Keith. Okay.

I'm going, like, dumpster bear. Like, brown bear that infiltrates the city. He's pawing through the garbage. You know, he's like going through backyards. He's crashing parties. Yeah, you get it. Yeah. Hairless cat with a cool owner is what I say for you.

Like you're weird looking and you look like you're going to be shitty and conti. But then if you spend a few minutes with you, you're like, oh, no. Like hang out on your lap and like do cat shit. And it's like you're a friendly cat secretly, but you look like unpleasant. Okay. Yeah. For you, I would go with ferret because it's a bit of an friendly cat secretly But you look like unpleasant Okay Yeah for you I would go with ferret

Because it's a bit of an acquired taste But they're really cute Once you get to know them Nat you look like the ferret prince How dare you Yeah What animal is that I'm going to say Jew

So aardvark For you I would say bonobo teeth Okay Oh you're most like a party bonobo? Party monkey. Yeah, I fuck with that. What's Nat? I think Nat is like...

Nat's like a porpoise. Oh, I didn't get down with that. I feel like he's more of like a pigeon. Like a meerkat, maybe? Ooh, let's go meerkat. Yeah, you're a meerkat. I'm a sexy meerkat. No such thing.

Talk to AnimeDork. What's the worst movie you've ever seen and why? The worst movie I've ever seen and why? I haven't answered already in mind for this one. Answer. It's Jumpers. I haven't seen that. That actually was fun.

This will be now two separate podcasts I've ranted about this on. Every chance I get for it. I mean, it was Hayden Christensen in a teleporting movie where Samuel L. Jackson was the bad guy, but he was also right about everything.

It's like, I need to kill them because they're dangerous, and then they just prove him right the entire movie, and we're supposed to care about him because, oh, there's a hot chick I want to

save. Fuck that movie. Everything about what you just said except for Hayden Christensen makes me want to watch it because I will watch Sam Jackson in anything.

Yeah. He's got deep Blue Sea twice. I think Key's answer is probably Cube 2, Hypercube. I fell asleep during that whole shit. I forced him to watch. No, I think Sucker Punch might be my least favorite movie of all time. Oh, that one. Because I hate that movie because it's so close to being a good movie.

And then Zack Snyder remembers that he's retarded. And he's just like, duh, what if my boner wrote the rest of it? It's a tie between Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and the movie Super. Both ridiculous wastes of my life. Connor hates things that are objectively great. Horrible.

No, no. Barely even qualifies as a piece of media. So I get Scott Pilgrim. Why do you hate Super? Because it sucks and I didn't care about anybody in the movie at all. I once took a girl on a first date to Super. That is a movie with three rapes in it.

It sure does. It sure does. I was just like, what are you even trying to do? Alright. What was the single best roast joke you've heard about yourself? How about each other? I'll tell you the best roast joke I've ever heard in my life was on the show Yo Mama. It was a black girl with big lips and this guy says,

Hey Ma, you forgot your chapstick. And he drops a speed stick on the ground. Nothing will ever be funnier to me than that. I think we've answered this question on there before. My favorite roast joke I think that anybody's ever done on me was Keith, you put the gut in faggot. That was Jay Light. My favorite that anyone ever done on me was uh uh keith you put the gut in faggot that was jay light uh my favorite that anyone ever threw at me was nat looks like the kid on the team that airbud

replaced yeah that's pretty great i enjoyed connor looks like an extra in a super soaker commercial a lot uh has anyone ever told you guys that you look like a pedophilic chocolatier and one of his fupa lumpas. Yeah, actually. Oh, God. All right, this one is, describe you're the one that got away. Oh. I had to be dubious about this because I may be making moves on that person.

Okay, and let's just do it. Let's just talk about it instead, but with a sandwich. For me, it was the bruschetta chicken ciabatta at jack in the box it had the crispy chicken it had the the bruschetta bun you know and then like yeah it had like the ciabatta shit it was dude it was fucking yeah i was this real sexy turkey melt that uh owns a comic book store in orange county and like you know like i like I took a couple bites of the turkey melt a few years ago, but, like, I just wasn't able to, you know, finish it. It was, like, hanging out with

this bag of chips that, you know, nice bag of chips, but, like, you know, sort of, I didn't want to be the third wheel. I didn't want to be the pickle on the plate. But now I put the bag of chips and the pickle out of the way. I'm going to fuck the sandwich. I don't think the sandwich listens. I was just going to say the chicken carbonara from Quiznos that got discontinued. Why do you have a favorite sandwich sandwich? What, your wife died?

Oh, I thought we were talking about sandwiches. Oh, I was trying to, but then Keith just turned the sandwich into a lady. Yeah, fuck me for being hilarious. Honestly, probably the perfect fucking woman for him is a sandwich lady. Bam. Something buns. I wouldn't say I really have one that got away, but I did turn down sex once because the girl said she hated Weird Al Yankovic. I mean, everything about that is confusing to me.

Number one, the idea of you being offered sex is puzzling. Number two, the idea of any woman enjoying Weirdo yankovic is equally puzzling and the idea of you turning down sex again i don't care i do okay yeah anyway i don't have anything to plug uh oh i wanted to answer one more question uh from one more listener hana michaels, guest of the last episode, asked me to rank her on the cunt scale because Hannah is a writer for The Hard Times, which is a website I enjoy

very much. They basically have the punk rock version of The Onion. Check them out. And the other day, an article came floating around that was five

Tinder couples that look like a hot girl who got kidnapped. And the first picture on it was a picture of my fat face next to my ex. And I got a lot of weird tweets and one dude who had matched me on Tinder who now

again, I may fuck like that sandwich. So I'm going to give you a three on the con scale, Hannah. Oh, please tell the listeners about what happened with your grinder and me and Comedy Central. Oh yeah, it was actually on Tinder, but I was on Tinder and I matched with a gentleman and we were talking and he recognized me from roast battle Battle, and things heated up.

They got a little sexual, and then he suggested that I try and lure, quote, that rainbow underwear boy from the TV show into a threesome, to which I responded, if that were an option, I would not be on Tinder. All right. Well, that's it. See what I've got coming up. Ooh, guys, this weekend, you're in luck. I'm in Modesto.

Who would have thought? At the 11th, headlining the Shadow Lounge, which, what? At 8 p.m. The Shadow Lounge. Oh, and just when you thought Central California didn't have enough Connor in its life, you can see me at the Rocket Shop Cafe in Bakersfield on Thursday the 23rd. You can see me at the Ivy Room in Fresno on Friday the 24th. You can see me at the Mirror Comedy Show Fresno on Friday, the 24th. You can see me at the Mirror

Comedy Show at some kind of fucking restaurant or some shit on Saturday, the 25th. And you can see me at the video game themed bar in the farming community of Tulare called Barmageddon on Sunday, the 26th. Damn it. Everywhere you perform makes me thirsty. Yeah. Oh, and roast battling at the Comedy Store on Valentine's

Day and on the 28th. 28th, I'm fighting New York me, J.P. McDade. Very funny guy. You know, the battle of this general look. February 17th and 18th, I will be headlining Mother Mary's out in Fresno. February 24th, I will be at Comedy Heights in fucking, what's that city? Chula Vista. Chula Vista.

Yeah, I'm good at plugs. Also, that weekend on the 24th and 25th, I will be doing all four shows at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego. And February 21st, I will be headlining at Harvell's in Long Beach. So come out to all of those things. I will be at the Looney Bin Comedy Club

in Oklahoma City, February 22nd through 25th. I will be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin at the Comedy Cafe March 30th through April 1st. And I will be roast battling Alex Duong, also on February 28th. And I will be roast battling Ramsey Badawi on April 4th.

Beautiful. Guys, if you like the show, please tell your one and only friend or call the Suicide Hotline and let the operator know about it. Leave us a review on iTunes if you haven't. It's really easy to do and the fact that you

haven't kind of makes you a piece of shit because we're giving you a lot of free entertainment and you aren't even clicking a few buttons to help out your pals.

Anyway, you guys want to sign off? Yep. Fuck everything. God is dead. Yeah.