Mean Boys - EP 47 - Pumpkin Spice HIV (feat. Joe Kaye)

Episode Date: February 14, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Pietro’s Flowers”, “Chemo or Screamo”, “Clinton and McGilly” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Follow our guest Joe Kaye on Twitter: twitter.com/JoeCharlesKaye Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web at www.meanboyspodcast.com Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey gang, it's Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast, here to remind you that this show is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California, home of the Carnacasada Burrito, which I think we finally gave them the technical specifications for. Head on down to Don Carlos today, anytime you're in the greater San Diego area, for the best Mexican food that money can buy, and check out eataborrito.com for more information if you want to get your next LAN party or whatever you people do catered by Don Carlos, you can make it happen at that web address. We've got a great show for you today.

I just wanted to nag you real quick. Please review the show on iTunes if you have not done so already. It's real easy. It just takes a second. It helps us out a great deal. And tell a friend if you like it. Anyways, here it is. Hey, everybody.

The world is on fire, and all of our tears combined will never put it out. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm... A cum barista. Oh my god. You're really into artisanal felching? Yes. Can you make a heart in mine with a swizzle stick?

As long as I can just get a nice rap aid butthole, I am all about it. Joe Kay's the only man whose HIV is pumpkin spice. Oh my god. Oh man, new record. 45 seconds Oh, my God. Oh, man. New record. 45 seconds in. We already have an episode title. Oh, I love it.

Pumpkin spice AIDS. AIDS? Pumpkin spice AIDS? Pumpkin spice HIV. HIV. Oh, yeah. It's enough for a lot of pumpkin spice. You get the peppermint mocha AIDS at Christmas.

It's a seasonal thing. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Joe's gay? Hold on. Oh, my God. What a fucking shocker if you couldn't tell by this fabulous voice. I know.

Wouldn't it be amazing if he was like, I love puffy. Oh, my God. I love just going out to the club, slamming on that sash. Answering the question, what if John Waters worked at a shitty record store? I knew it was coming, and yet I'm still probably going to go home and cry later. That's all we wanted from this. You're going to do that anyway. It is the day of the week after all.

We have met once, and you have somehow nailed me better than anybody who's known me for any capacity long. It sounds like the end of every Grindr day. Why you carry one of those? High of mind. Yeah, when Keith and I were shooting Burned with you the one of them? Hive mind. Yeah. When Keith and I were shooting Burned with the other week, it was so weird that we're like, oh, you're going to call him like a weird, you know, like a balloon pedophile. Like, you know.

Yeah. We have a hard time working together. We keep just writing the same things. Yeah. We've slowly. It's like a dog and their owner, but with just a, you know, a mean thought process. We're like an old married couple, but with more sex. Yeah.

He doesn't know about it, but don't worry about it. Oh, man. That's why I wake up sore. Anyway. Gang, the Mexican joke off. Ay, so topical. I'll take a swear this week. A two-legged puppy that was found in a dumpster has been given a new set of prosthetic limbs.

Keith Carey still only has half a tooth. If any Mean Boys fans would like to donate to my tooth fund. I was driving back from Fresno this morning on the way here, and we stopped at a guy. And the guy was asking for change or whatever. I was making fun of him for not having teeth. And the people I was with were like, you barely have teeth.

I'm like, oh, yeah. I can't even mock fucking dumpster trash anymore. It's like the song Blurred Lines, but about you and the... All right. Many conservatives are boycotting Budweiser after they ran a commercial celebrating the role of immigrants in American history. This could bode poorly for General Mills' newest mascot, the serial refugee. Oh, boy.

Okay. Donald Trump carried out a raid on Yemen after he was told President Obama would not have. White House staffers have now begun telling him that Bill Clinton would not have jumped off the Washington Monument. I do not. Can you not dive off of that national landmark? Wink. Can you tell, like, how much I'm shaking right now? I am so nervous.

Like, I'm not even. You're in our kitchen right now. Yeah, Joe, we're not your parents, all right? There's nothing to be afraid of here. Though, I mean, like, he really has a striking resemblance to my mother. Like, truly. I do? And, yeah, no, if anybody out, that's really funny for anybody there that's known my mom and mom, I'm sorry.

Well, that's a big part of our listening audience. And I feel like I'm probably doing a pretty good impression of your dad with this cold indifference i'm throwing at you all you gotta do is just take off like the center bit of hair over here and just like grow your nose about like eight sizes and then you'll okay well i just i guess i'll tell you you're funny like eight times i'm just fucking oh man this is what happens when we'll get've got some fresh meat in the studio. I don't have to make the same old slimy fat jokes I've been doing for way too long. Anyway.

Okay, I'm about to bomb here, too. Police have released a sketch of the culprit of the Union City Girl Scout cookie robbery. They're telling citizens to be on the lookout for a 6'6", furry blue male with a nerd hand in his butt. It's the cookie monster. The cookie monster did that robbery. The weirdest part about that joke is you took a moment to call puppeteers nerds. Like you had to slam the puppeteering community. Even though I'm, I mean, I was really, I mean, like the trading card games,

puppeteering, you know, I juggle. You would absolutely work for the Henson workshop. We're cut from the same felt. All right. The founder of Little Caesar's Pizza has died at 87 years old. His family is asking for privacy in their time of grieving, grieving. That's a perfect Mean Boys joke. Okay.

Jeff Sessions was recently appointed as the new U.S. Attorney General. Many celebrities responded to the news, including Adam Sandler, who was disappointed to hear he had dropped out of the upcoming live-action remake of A Crazy Night. Got it because he looks like Whitey? No. Dog. I tried. Very specific reference to an R-rated animated comedy that came out well over a decade ago. That's like some me shit. I felt like this was just about in our wheelhouse.

I just don't know what Jeff Sessions looks like. Oh, okay. Well, he looks like Whitey from A Crazy Night's Sleep. Yeah, he kind of looks like a really old five-year-old. He's like Benjamin Button-y looking. Imagine if Ron Paul didn't have Christmas behind his eyes. That's Jeff Sessions. For some reason, I just imagine Yosemite Sam when I hear Jeff Sessions.

I don't know why. I've also decided that every gay sex adventure I have is going to be called the Jeff Session. Ooh, all right. Urban Dictionary, that. Yeah, I can't go to the bathroom tonight. Keith's in the living room getting down with the Jeff Sessions. Having a Jeff Sesh. All right.

A five-year-old boy was found chewing on a condom at an elementary school in Fort Pierce. The boy is now only able to blow bubbles out of his open sores. Oh, my God. He thought it was gum. I forgot to include that piece of information in the preamble, I realize, which just made it sound... I mean, I got it. All right. An Indian man adopted 22 HIV-positive orphans.

His story has inspired a new sitcom, AIDS is Enough. Oh, my God. Like, I saw that story, and just my eyes turned into, like, a fucking slot machine. Jackpot, jackpot, AIDS kits. Which is the wild symbol in that slot machine. Just a bummed out little kid. Oh man, but all the cherries in that slot machine are popped.

And bleeding. Oh no. And tiny. And five. Okay. Oh my god. Okay. Oh man, sorry. Even for us, it's getting rough. Yeah. Sorry.

I didn't say stop. So let's lighten the mood a little bit. Michael Bolton released a new Valentine's Day special on Netflix. In related nudes, everyone is pregnant. That's really good. Thank you. That's good stuff. That's good stuff.

Pregnant with a No Thieves have stolen A Playstation 4 From a children's cancer ward The robbers were not Apprehended at the hospital As they clearly had

A lot of experience Dealing with scrubs Alright That's a fun one Scientists are investigating A mysterious geographical Phenomenon in Namibia Called fairy circles

This is not to be confused With American fairy circles Which occur when Joe K. boards a merry-go-round. Oh, I was hoping that there would be a burn against me in one of these. I'm just so, I'm,

I feel so blessed right now. I literally made, I called an audible last second to make that about you and not him. Fantastic. A lot of crossover. I'm now, I'm regretting that I didn't want to get mean against any of you guys it was like you know what if i ever have if i ever happen to come back then i'll

just just google just google pacific garbage patch and then half the work is done for you or like mayonnaise nightmare or whatever anyway all right uh a kkk imperial wizard was found dead in a Missouri river on Saturday morning. The death is a result of a counterproductive measure by the alt-right against J.K. Rowling

to destroy anything with the word wizard in it. I do love that there's a weird feud now between the Nazi community and J.K. Rowling. Oh, yeah. It's so...

And, like, it's even more inflamed now that she just, like, decimated Piers Morgan on Twitter. That was so funny. like decimated Piers Morgan on Twitter. That was so funny. I was reading Piers Morgan's Twitter on the bus and that guy spends a depressing amount of time reading his mentions for a man that has like millions and millions of dollars and all this power. Yeah, because like not even everybody is like at tweeting.

Like they're just like mentioning his name and he'll find those tweets. He will like Google his name, yeah. It's fucking sad. Yeah. It's really sad. And he just always quotes people and will like correct their version of your that they're using. And'm like look i mean i'm all for being a grammar cunt but it's like dude like yeah like what are you what are you doing you're an adult man with all the money this man like does not enjoy being famous i don't think i just like this what the news is just mad libs it's like

every day it's somebody weird it's like oh the fucking communist party is fighting with gary bucey like it's just nonsense oh man uh and finally north korea has fired a ballistic missile into the south china sea to the world's relief it was swiftly rebounded by dennis rodman that's a cute ass joke yeah man if only reagan had rodman you know and then with cold war what i ended 10 years earlier uh new research says obese couples have a far lower chance of conceiving a child this is terrible news for many overweight parents but great news for my dwindling condom budget. Oh, self-burn. I've been fucking fat, ladies.

Okay. A video was released of Jake Gyllenhaal singing at a rehearsal for Broadway Sunday in the park with George. There's no joke here. I just want everyone to know what makes me cum. Bravo. Wow, and a fine first outing of the Mexican Joke Off

by Joe K. Yeah, one of the better ones. Usually the guests struggle with this. Joe, tell the people where they can find you online. I'm just kidding. No one cares.

We'll be right back after a break. Hello. I am Pietro, Florence number one and owner of Pietro's Flowers. Today is American Day of Valentine. You celebrate intangible concept of love and adoration

by giving cheap fudge and drugstore teddy bear to fat wife. We have no such day in my country as we no longer feel love, only the cold, the cold that took Pietro's crops and then his son's. Always forever, the cold that is colder than cold. But that is another story for another night full of screaming. You wish to celebrate the American Day of Valentine with traditional gift of flowers and unwanted anal penetrates. Pietro can help.

Come to Pietro's Flowers and purchase with your monies a dozen roses red. These will surefire guarantee make your woman or homosexual man friend smile and do many forgivenesses to you and your flawed penis roses in my country very hard to come by there is only one rose in the whole country sits atop wolf claw mountain wolf claw mountain gets named from many wolves that live there and claws of said wolves to get rose you must distract wolves with well-thrown torch if torch is thrown incorrectly you must decide which member of family is most worth sacrifice. Then it is simple 50 kilometer vertical ascent and any survivors may sniff of the rose

and be reminded for brief moment of possibility of loving God, then be crushed under the weight of knowing he chose this life for us. But no such struggle for you, American consumer. All you must do is as simple as lugging in door of your great and feeble torso, soft and heavy from goose fat and fried dough. Then fumble with your greasy sausage digits in too tight fashion pants for a dollar that has strangled world economy. But look how proud Eagle is. Then Pietro and his blood soaked hands will cut you perfect assortment of roses. No need to tip or thank Pietro because you weren't going to anyway. So come on down to Pietro's Flowers, conveniently located between Auto Car Expressway and

Dumpster, full of enough food to save Pietro's family for the grave, were it not for Unstoppable March of the Dark Lord Time. Pietro's Flowers. In my country, I was a surgeon. The Mean Boys Podcast is back with a new game that I came with hungover listening to terrible

music on the way back from Fresno this game is called Chemo or Screamo I'm going to name a dumb thing it's supposed to be just a collection of letters and you guys have to tell me if it is a chemotherapy medication or a shitty screamo band. Okay, I'm excited I can't listen, the death metal scares me it's weird, band. Okay, I'm excited. Alright, this is gonna be... I can't

listen. The death metal scares me. It's weird. I can't. I'm just like, it just makes me tense and uncomfortable. At least death metal is fun. This is just like that, but about girls. Oh, yeah. I guess I I'm like 75 when it comes to that whole side of music because I just don't know the difference. Yeah, I've been trying to figure out

Screamo is basically just the t-shirts at Hot Topic you don't recognize. Every show I went to in high school. Oh, were you like a Screamo kid? Not necessarily like a Screamo kid, but I was just into the whole Hot Topic like the alternative press scene. So whenever they were doing

a tour or whatever, it was like whatever their AP ball was. You're like, I have a white belt and I'm going, where am I? I've got my piano key seatbelt. I've got my piano key seat belt i've got my extra small time low t-shirt i got pink bangs let's fucking do this oh god the pink bangs oh man like those like those are the shirts that would have like the metal imagery but like they'd be like really brightly colored yeah yeah yeah that was huge in chino high school in 2009 so five years after it should have been yeah 2008 made seven i don't know

gives a fuck let's go all right uh the first one a braxton a oh a braxton a i mean like it my first instinct is to go to music because like braxton like tony braxton but then i'm like okay we're doing we're dealing with a different kind of bra person here. I'd like Tony Braxton if she was a cyborg. We could also do this with like, you know, like black lady names, Kimo or Debo. Because like a Braxton A,

I'm like, all right, which one of Beyonce's twins is it? No. I'm going to say that's a medicine. I think I went to high school with a Braxton A.

A Braxton A Wallace. I'm pretty sure that was her name. I just got my Braxtonations. I'm going to say that'sinations. I'm going to say that's medicine. I'm going to say it's medicine. The answer is chemo medication.

Yeah. I'm on the board with one. Number two. I can't pronounce any of these. All right. Alicina. Alicina. I'm going to say Screamo band, because I think that might be a Screamo Band called Elisana

that I feel like I've heard of before. That's very possible. If I recall, they are terrible. So I'm going to say Screamo Band. What did you just do with your throat to make that sound? Terrible. He turned into a fucking snagglepuss for half a second. All I need to do is just be the cowardly lion

Gagging on a cock I've never seen I've never seen like a guy Asking for a cigarette outside of Jamba Juice Turn into a frog before until you said that I'm gonna agree I think that's a band That is a band and I'm pretty sure I pronounced them wrong

That was some pretty impressive Etymological you know Fucking you know deduction there Yeah I just like I said I know and I'm pretty sure I pronounced them rocks. That was some pretty impressive etymological fucking deduction there. Yeah, just like I said, I know really shitty music from high school. So, yeah. Number three, PAX 217. That's a smart now, motherfucker.

That might be like some terrible area code where these people are too proud of being from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh. Mmm. PAX 217. That sounds like some kind of convention where one of those weird sex tech furry deals. Like, oh yeah, let's go to PAX 217, man.

Yes, yes. Oh my god. Isn't there like a gaming, like G-A-Y-M-I-N-G game? Oh, gamers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it like GamerX-Y-M-I-N-G game. Oh, gamers. Is it like GamerX or E-X, something like that. Whatever. Don't correct me on that. Please don't come for me. I'll do that on my own. I'll do my own fucking research.

I like that you're bringing up questions and then getting angry that anybody would answer them. I will answer them. Whatever you say, I'm going to say the opposite of that because it can go either way with this. I'm saying it's Kima. Okay, so I'll say it's a screamo band. It is a band. Oh, my God.

Is it really? It is a Christian band. No. That I saw and got beat up at one of their shows. Oh. What? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, the 272. I didn't even think there could be a Bible verse. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pax is Latin for peace. Pax is also like what you should call every gay baby ever adopted. Here's our boy, Pax. Just gay and like vag ever adopted. There's our boy Pax.

Just gay and like vaguely ethnic. Yeah, yeah. Filipino adjacent. All right. Number whatever we're on. Halivan. Halivan. I think I'm going to just go right ahead and say medication with that one.

That just sounds like something that you'd take. Yeah, I feel like you... I feel like you've taken a foreign exchange student named Hallivan before, so I'm going to say chemo. The correct answer is chemo. Yeah. I don't like

your enthusiasm, buddy. Next one, Dytro. Dytro. like your enthusiasm buddy next one Daitro oh that's for sure that's the name of the cameraman for every world star hip hop video no I was gonna say like that is 100% in my brain for sure a scream

oh bam because it's just like it's a shitty like pun with like with the word die in it like instead of nitro it'll be diet i'm gonna try to get back on the board i'm gonna say medication oh you're gonna be real upset because it is a bad uh and last one vendetta red wow wow gotta be a bad there's it's just a's just an edgy word and an edgy color. I'm going to end up winning this no matter what, so I'll just go ahead and say chemo just for fun. Of course it's a bad. But no, just in case, wouldn't that be the greatest medication?

If you had a doctor coming in and it's like, listen, the chemo, it's not working. We're going to have to get you on this new wonder drug, Vendetta Red. Wait a minute, wait a minute rat wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute when is Hulk Hogan getting here take 50 cc's of Nicaraguan death squad

gonna go in there and just fucking assassinate your blood cells or whatever yeah it's gonna go correctly acquire all your mineral rights

the Iran the Iran contraceptive that was kind of funny alright writes the Iran contraceptive. Oh, that's... That was kind of funny. All right. That would make everyone's dad laugh. It would.

Well, dads of the world, enjoy Mean Boys. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah, that was a thing we tried. No, that was fun. Yeah, that was fun.

I like the games where there can really only be one round, you know? Yeah, I mean, it's like, all right, well, we did that one. Yep. Tight.

Well, see you in a minute, guys. Yep. On this thrilling installment of Clinton and McGilly, we find our heroes embroiled in a quagmire of a more romantic nature. Damn it, McGilly. Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and I still haven't gotten anything for the old swamp monster. Maybe you have something lying around that you could re-gift to her, sir?

Good thinking. Not goddammit, let's hope somewhere else this jolly bitch is gonna be colder than December in Arkansas. Let's see here. This world's greatest president mug? Ooh, might be in poor taste. My griller and chief apron? Let's keep looking. Can I just give her some of my spare electoral votes from the 9-6 election? A nice thought, but non-transferable.

What if we hire some more 19-year-old social media specialists to write shady tweets for her to make her seem hip? These days the old bag is so depressed she only opens Twitter to stalk Bernie Sanders and cry. What about this? Looks like some kind of fun gag award. Dammit, McGillie, that's the Hooters Corporation's highest civilian honor, the Congestical Medal of Freedom.

Now put that back on the display aisle and let's figure this out. If I'm not being too forward, sir, what if you just, uh, give her a physical gift? We've only had sex two times, once before Chelsea was born and once when we lost a game of flip cup to Barbara Bush at Camp David.

Well, what have you gotten her in the past, boss? Well, I can't exactly murder Vince Foster again, McGillie. And Anthony Weiner only has so many pinky fingers we can bolt-cut her off. Fucking amateur, that guy. Maybe a spa day with Huma Abedin? Unless Ra's al Ghul's opening a bathhouse, I don't think cucumber slices are gonna fix the seven decades of regret in her sunken eyes. Well, maybe it's time to do something that reminds you of when you first fell in love.

Damn it, McGillie. I think you're right. I miss the days when I was just a simple attorney general for the great state of Arkansas and we would pass the days hunting homeless people. I'd lured in with the promise of extra cigarettes then drugged and dumped on the whitewater grounds. Get the keys, McGillie.

I've got a flame to rekindle and a derelict to abduct. What about this one, sir? Looks a little too spry. Her eyesight ain't what it used to be, and she can't pick off the twitchers from a distance like she used to. Sir, plastic bag shoes at 12 o'clock. Move, move, move! Giddy up. Now come on, bloathard. I forced Madeline Albright to smuggle back from the Philippines. Don't fail me now! He's down, sir. Nice shot. This ain't my first most dangerous game. Now quick, let's give him a hunting knife and tattoo the rules of escape from Clinton Island on his arm

so we can wrap him up for the missus. Oh my god, Jackson! Oh no. McGilly! McGilly, this is Jackson, the old head of my Secret Service detail during my first term. He was abducted and taken from me in one of the most successful acts of covert internal aggression on a sitting president in our nation's history. I know, sir. And, well, there's something I have to tell you.

Huh? When I was just the deputy head of your Secret Service detail, I lobotomized Jackson and dumped him in the woods in upstate New York so I could take his place because I, well, because I wanted to be closer to you. Damn it, McGillie. That's beautiful. You know, after all these years, I thought you were just a straight-laced operator hell-bent on playing by the rules, and then over two decades into our relationship, you keep finding

new ways to surprise me. Sir. You know, this has me thinking. Love isn't about the family you bring into your life because you're both calculated political opportunists. It's about the family that murders its way into your inner circle. You know what? Forget Hillary. Skull tap this joker, then call Marine One to take us to Secretary Island for some guy time R&R. I love you, sir.

I love you too, McGilly. That's good stuff. I suppose it depends what the definition of hard is. Oh, man. Oh, this is like that scene in House of Cards, but only a little hotter. I haven't watched House of Cards, but it's probably good. Shana-na-na-na-na-na, mean, mean. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns.

It is time to play the final and Keith's least favorite game, which of the following? Yay. Yay. Woo-hoo! Thank you for that spiteful whatever that was. That was genuine excitement. That genuine, it's just.

I liked it better when it was insincere. You just are unable to process joy, is what it is. Hey, man. I mean, I feel like ingesting processed things would be something that this guy would be a big fan of. You know when you smile like a chimp and they think you're trying to fight? That's what it is when people are nice to you. Dude, that's the best description of anything that's ever taken place on this show. Oh, yeah.

The chimp that can't read facial cues has the floor. This week, we're playing a round very near and dear to my heart. This is which of the following is not a real Yu-Gi-Oh card? Oh, I have never been less excited about this thing. Okay. All right. Let's start it off. Round one.

It's a fairy-themed round. A, Marshmallow on. B, Injection Fairy Lily. Okay. All right. Let's start it off. Round one. It's a fairy themed round. A. Marshmallow. B. Injection fairy lily. C. Griggle. Or D.

Pufflecleese the sky gladiator. These are all things you have called me in the opening. No, there's an all Keith round. Don't worry. Oh, tight. Awesome. Oh, no. And Marshmallow didn't make the cut for that one?

No. Oh, my God. There's better ones. What was the second one again? The second one was Injection Fairy Lily. Which I feel like is like a Halloween costume that you've been a part of at some point. You would not be entirely wrong. Oh, man.

Injection. What is the third one? The third one is Griggle. That's a real one. It's a stupid, silly, dumb fucking word. See, I think Injection Fairy Lily is real because that's something that was clearly badly translated from Japanese. Ooh, that's a good point. I didn't even think about that.

And four was Pufficles, the Sky Warrior or whatever. Pufficles, the Sky Gladiator. Oh, excuse the fuck. I'm going to say that's the fake one. Yeah, I'm going to go and say that's the fake one, too. Fuck, it's Pufficles the Sky Gladiator. I thought of that, and I'm like, that would be a really great Yu-Gi-Oh card. And I think maybe I...

All right, well, you guys are both on the board. Losing my own game here. That's how the game works. All right. I invented this shitty game that we do every week for some reason we really have committed to this sinking ship I like this game I do too, I just like complaining about it

it's almost like being negative is part of our fucking brand hey, the only person who's allowed to do it is me and if anyone else does, I make it weird alright, cool, I'm glad Joe's here for this dude, Joe, this guy rocks daddies are fighting. This motherfucker is spitting right the fuck in. Shut up and drink your juice box.

Just a lot of weird punk rock and sexual energy. Dude, this guy rules. Yeah, he's awesome. B, which of the following is not a real Yu-Gi-Oh card? A, Cybersaurus. B, Nightmare Penguin. Oh, my God. C, Dark Secretary Zorgoth.

Or D, Bombardment Beetle. Dark Secretary Zorgoth? I was going to say, I really don't give a shit which way this round goes. I need that to be real. I need... If it's not somebody who's listening to this is going to make it for us. Oh, fuck. What was A again?

Cybersaurus. Cybersaurus. I think that's the fake one. I'm going to make it for us. Oh, fuck. What was A again? Cybersaurus. Cybersaurus. I think that's the fake one. I'm going to say that. Sounds like a terrible like OkCupid name. Oh, yeah, that's for sure. You can match with a girl

named Cybersaurus. Yeah, some shapeless blob of a woman. I used to be a programmer until my fingers got too fat to type. Cybersaurus, I know I'm saying I love you.

I used to eat more. Oh, exhausting. Well, the fake one is C, Dark Secretary Zorgoth. Why did we think that could be real? He was avenging the death of Pup-o-Cleese. Because when you're around me, you somehow have hope again. You give my heart license to dream. There are so many stupid fucking Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

I have a feeling I'll do a part two of this at some point. But yeah, there's just so many weird, like, it's the Goblin Accountant or whatever. So anyway, moving on. C, which is the following is not a real Yu-Gi-Oh card. Gene Warped War Wolf. B, Mushroom Man number two. C, Rampaging Rhinos.

Or D, Bubble Dragon. Mushroom Man number two is what we call Tom Goss. Yeah, I killed the first one. Bubble-saurus? Bubble dragon. Bubble dragon. Again, I feel like it could be a great Joe K. online dating screen name. Did I match with this guy, Bubble Dragon?

What's A again? A is Gene Warp Warwolf. I'm going to go with that one. I'm going to go with Mushroom Man number two. Okay, the fake one is D, Bubble Dragon. Oh, no. Mushroom Man number two is what Tom clogs the toilet with. All right.

Round number four. Which of the following is not a real Yu-Gi-Oh card? This is the all Keith Care toilet with. Alright, round number four, which is the longest on a real Yu-Gi-Oh card. This is the all-Keith Carey edition. Oh, sick. A. Humanoid slime. B. Vengeful bog spirit. C. Balloon lizard. Or D. The swamp knave. I couldn't be any of the

cute ones. Cute things are fat, too. No, I guess in light of our guests, round A was the old joke. By the way, there is so much porn of Injection Fairy Lily out there, which you'll experience when you go on the Yu-Gi-Oh! message boards. All right, well. Because it's literally a fairy holding a giant, like, medication needle. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what it was in a butt.

Yeah. Oh, just for the sake of me and all the listeners, can you please just say those again? Because they are all perfect. Yeah, let's go through that again. Humanoid slime. Tight. Vengeful bog spirit. Rad.

Nail on the head. Balloon lizard. Love it. And the swamp knave. Feeling great. I think swamp knave is the fake one. I think vengeful bog spirit. The fake one is the swamp knave.

Yeah. Son of a bitch. Joe Cage. It's been D like every time. Surging into the lead. Yeah, I guess, you know, maybe that's a little thing called game theory. No, it's not. I just...

No, it's a lack of it and it fucked me over. Yeah. Well, yeah, it sounds like it worked then, okay? Doing a little fucking drunken boxing up in here, guys. Like, oh, truly hate you. What was that? I have no idea. Yeah, you're Andrew Dice gay. Oh! What? I don't truly hate you. What was that? I have no idea. Did I hear Andrew Dice gay?

Oh! What? I don't... What? Nothing, go. What happened? We're spiraling. That sounded like a gay version of the Bruce Springsteen yells in the song State Trooper

from the Nebraska album. Oh, yeah, that's the reference that's going to save this. Yeah. I don't know if you guys know, I had a sad bus ride recently. When you break out Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska Yeah Okay, the final round, all real or all fake Again, a lot of these could also apply to Keith A, Blade Rabbit

B, Pump King The King of Ghosts C, Chaos Rider Gustav D, Coach Goblin Coach Goblin. Coach Goblin is Bill Belichick. Ooh, that was cute. We're married now.

Oh, my God. I just have a quick prediction. The Mean Boys listening audience is going to be doing a lot of shipping of Keith and Joe from now on. What I want is to see some fan art of me carrying Keith through a threshold. I would love that. What is the guy that did a picture of me blowing Keith in a cape while his dick was on the picture?

Get to work, buddy. A lot of weird, erotic art. But it's never cute, well done. It just looks like a serial killer drew it from inside a people bone cave. I would frame it. I'd put it in the bathroom. You know? I'd put it on the mantle

in my parents' house where all the pictures of me are supposed to go. I'd put it right there next to my candlelight vigil for Taryn Manning. No, that's not her name. That's not her name. Chelsea Manning. No, from Orange is the New Black. The one with the fucked her name. That's not her name. Chelsea Manning. No, from Orange is the New Black. The one with the fucked up teeth.

Keith's mom. Yes. I don't know. Nailed it. I haven't seen any TV show. That was pretty funny though. No, that is Tara Manning, but she's not dead. No, no, no. I just like prayed to her. I just prayed to her. I know she's not dead. I just prayed to her. Candlelight vigil implied she would Oh no, I just meant like I just have her picture

and all other pictures. Like on a street corner with like the cheap candles because a Puerto Rican kid got obsidious. Yeah, not to be confused with Candlestick Virgil, the guy that he hooked up with three nights ago. Oh! Candlestick Virgil. Real. All right.

Well, that's going to be a new in-between segments drop is just you going, oh! I fucking love it. What are we doing? I'm going to say they're all real. All of those. I'm going to say they're all real. All of those. I'm going to say they're all real as well. Those are all real. Chaos Rider Gustav, I knew.

Yeah, that's kind of where I tip to. Well, because fucking whenever I go and do road gigs with Connor, he'll just to annoy me just start rambling about Yu-Gi-Oh cards for as long as he can. Yeah. I don't think I'm... Well, Chaos Rider Gustav. I mean, I specifically picked cards that were never really in big competitive play

so that I wouldn't give away... Except for maybe Marshmallow on certain decks in one or two formats. I'm learning so much about myself and him and... I just want to talk about this until he's straight. I think that would be the only conversion

therapy that's effective. Oh my god, fine, straight. I think that would be the only conversion therapy that's effective. It's just me. Oh, my God. Fine, fine. I'll eat a fucking pussy. Just shut the fuck up about the blue-eyed white dragon. Ooh, giving you a blue-eyed white shagging. I tell you.

Oh! All right, now let me just go into detail about the mechanics of the Teledad deck. Hey, so do we have a mailbag? No, no one listens to this show anymore. Perfect timing for me to be a guest. Hey, so do we have a mailbag? No, no one listens to the show anymore. Perfect timing for me to be a guest. We were like, well, we have nothing to lose. Let's bring in Joe K. Yeah, let's bring in Joe K.

No one knows who he is. Dude, Joe K crushed you, man. Do we have any questions for Joe? Oh, I have been running a Twitter poll, and this is something I would like to get you guys feedback on. I think voting for it just ended. It was very, very heated, and this is a question that I've been asking people a lot lately. Before I reveal the results,

would you rather have someone sneeze in your face or fart in your face? What? Oh, man. And fart is, they're wearing a pair of tighty-whities. I was literally just about to ask here, like, what are the... And it's not like a i smelled some pepper out

you sneeze it's like a sick sneeze okay and how close is the person to like sneezing in your face the person sneezing let's say they're both like three inches away okay i think i take the fart i think i take the fart i take the fart because like the fart is like a roll of the dice it might be nothing yeah yeah yeah and also like the fart is gonna a roll of the dice. It might be nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also the fart is going to be a bummer and then you're okay. A sneeze can get you really sick. See, that's what I'm saying. The Twitter poll, 68 votes, 50-50 split.

Fart in your face, sneeze in your face. I could see that because I could see the possibility of getting the pink eye and stuff. And also just not wanting an ass in your face. possibility of you know getting like the pink eye and stuff yeah and also i really don't think you cannot get that's got to be an old wives or not an old wives tale but like a young boy's tale that you get pink eye from farts because i farted on a lot of my neighbors you can't you don't always get i think it's something like like if you bare ass fart on someone's pillow right where their fucking well yeah it's like it's like poop particles getting in your eye oh is that really yeah that's what it is yeah then how do i not always have pink eye from looking at your shitty face hey oh it's my new thing that's my new cash i don't like that you're his

hype man somehow how did this happen yeah he was so mean to me in the beginning and now i'm just like please like me this is how he operates as call his exes oh i just have a weird cult of personality with you know, is he gay? I bet he's probably denying it to himself. Let's try to curry favor with him. We're going to break you one day. If this episode has proved nothing else, it's that Connor, like, negging works. Because, like, you were so mean to me.

And now I'm just like, I'm one of your friends. Yeah, man. It works on the, you know, the mentally, you know, the mentally anemic. There you go. Both mentally and physically anemic. I'm dying slowly.

It's true. You are just like a sassy little skeleton. That's what my grandmother used to call me. Sassy little skeleton. And now she's dead. No, she's not. No, she's definitely still with us, but dying.

Oh my God, I'm spiraling I don't want you To keep going And see how many Weird secrets you'll divulge Alright we'll catch Joe this weekend Headlining the stock room

Of the hot topic He works at Absolutely Not pretty enough For the floor Nope No I'm kidding Does anyone have anything

They'd like to plug I just want to also say It was for sure Not pretty enough To be on the floor When I worked at Hollister in high school. They stuck me in the stock room. What? You're like

a hunky, friendly dude. Yeah. Nope. They stuck me right the fuck back there with all the other Jews in their yarmulkes. That's where... Well, you wore a yarmulke at one point in time? No. No. No. I didn't. But you had to fraternize with the yarmulke wearers? Those dirty other Jews. I was about to say, I don't know. What, you're Jewish? Yes, I am. Oh, okay.

A lot of patches on that fucking flannel you're wearing. Got a star, a triangle, misfits thing, even though you've never actually heard the band.

You just like how the skull looks. I've got like a number of tattoos on my forearms. All numbers. Anyway. Yeah, since no one listens anymore,

what do your tattoos mean? I've got a Hedwig and the Angry Inch tattoo. I've got a really... What is that? Like the a Hedwig and the Angry Inch tattoo. What is that? The musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch. That sounds like a bad Grindr date. You've never seen Hedwig and the Angry Inch?

No. That seems like a thing Elisa would have made you watch. It's like a cult movie from 2001 and then they revived it on Broadway with Neil Patrick Harris and stuff. It's like a punk rock transgender one-woman show. It's really. Okay. Really? It's, it's a, it's like a punk rock transgender one woman show. It's really fucking cool. That sounds right.

Um, and, uh, yeah, then I've got like, I've got a really pretentious Shakespeare tattoo. What does it say? Uh,

prick love for pricking. Uh, my best friend in high school has like the first half of that quote and I got the second half of it. Like, so it's dumb, but you know, does it,

does it just say prick love, prick love on one wrist and for pricking on the other one. Oh. So put them together. She's got the top of that, like the first of that quote, like right at her side boobs. So, you know. Nice. Equal placement.

Oh, you got it with the lady friend. Yes. Okay. I need some backstory on this. Were they just like best friend vibes or whatever? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Forever. She actually, the first

thing she ever said to me was... I just think it would be really funny if you got like a duo tattoo with the guy that turned out to be gay later, you know? No, no, no. The first thing that that girl ever said to me was, I always wanted a gay friend. And I was like, you're a cunt. And we've been best friends ever since. Yeah. So those are my visible tattoos.

I have a whole bunch of other ones that are really dumb. What? Elaborate immediately. Okay. I have a whole bunch of other ones that are really dumb. What? Elaborate immediately. Okay, I've got Let Them Eat Cake on my shoulders, going across my shoulders. You should have that, frankly, as a tramp stamp. Well, I mean, I didn't have an ass when I was 18. I guess if you're gay, it's a scamp stamp. I think that's fun. No, I think that was a new name for temporary tattoos a million years ago.

Scam stamps. Any who's. Is there any more? Yeah, I have a I have a windmill on my ribs over here for no good reason. And I have a little tribute to a Broadway show that inspired me to start writing on my hip. And then I have the from List of Demands, the comedy festival. I got the what do you call it? The charity tattoo from the List of Demands comedy festival. Oh, I got the, what do you call it? The charity tattoo from the List of Demands comedy festival.

Oh, cool. Oh, nice. Vanessa Gritton. Nice. Yeah, we did that. Yeah, you guys were, yeah. Yeah, oh my God. And then I was on the show right after you guys

that night after the live show. Oh, right. And everyone was mad because we ran late. Yeah, everyone was so, I had two friends over there. Were they really mad? And they super laughed. Like, they left after your show. Oh.

They were like, oh, we really enjoyed it, but like, I was really hungry, so we just left. Oh, sorry. No, it's cool. Fuck him. Fuck you, Frank, if you're listening. Yeah, fuck Frank. You're fucking stuck around.

That's what you get for trying to follow the mean boys. Yeah. Then we will scorch the earth. We sure will. All right. Is anyone going to be doing any stand-ups? Yeah. I got a thing to plug, because I'm going to talk about this now.

New York City, I am coming thing to plug. I'm about to talk about this now. New York City. I am coming to you March 7th. We are doing an East Coast, West Coast roast battle at The Stand in New York City. Three of LA's best. I won't say who else is fighting, but I'll be fighting Scott Chaplin. That's awesome. You may remember from getting his dick kicked in on television. So come check that out. I'll also be doing other spots at clubs in New York.

Keep an eye on my social media and shit. And all my friends in New York. Check out Keith because he's fucking amazing. Yeah, come hang out with me, Joe Sprax. Yeah, no, seriously. He's amazing. He's one of my favorites. Go fucking check him out. You can catch me right after we get done recording apologizing profusely to Joe. No, I'm kidding.

We've never apologized to you. No. The day this comes out, this comes out on Valentine's Day. Oh, I guess we should have done some fucking Valentine's Day shit. We haven't written the sketches yet, so we'll see what happens. Oh, yeah, screwing up the sausage I just made. I'll be at Rust Battle at the Comic Store fighting Toby Maraschino. And then, as a precursor to the East Coast-West Coast rivalry,

on the 28th, I'll be roast battling New York me, J.P. McDade. And you're going to want to be there for that, because it's going to get pretty retarded. As far as I go go you can catch me February 19th at the Art Deco comedy show in Hollywood and every Thursday I run a show called Canteen Points in North Hollywood at the Good Night

please come check that out it's a really really good show I'm super proud of it we're going to get you on real real real fucking soon if you guys are listening I know we say everyone's show is good, but this show really is fucking awesome. It's like my favorite show in Hollywood. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. And then on Twitter

it's JoeCharlesK. Please follow me and be nice to me, but don't. Follow him, but then do whatever. You're going to get a lot of people that are too nice to you, is what we get. And then one who's way too weird and mean and sexually aggressive. Oh, so everybody that I was like, I felt like I was too nice to not be friends with in high school. Yeah, there you go.

They're coming. They do the social media version of the autistic kid petting the cat too hard. They're coming and they're bringing their wearing sweatpants to school ways with them. They're wearing their backpacks on their front and covered in mustard stains and they're going to try to give you a hug. They got feelings about swords and there's no escape. All right, gang, you try to give you a hug. They got feelings about swords and there's no escape. All right, gang. You want to sign off? Yep.

Fuck everything. God is dead. See you next time.