Mean Boys - EP 5 - El Meaño

Episode Date: January 21, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “New Names”, “Where Is Your God Now”, “Emotional Dunk Tank”, “Gay Agenda Update” and a round of “Which of the Following” with Cannibal Corpse songs. This week’s sponsors are the American Humane Society and Vicodin. Email the show at [e-mail] and follow us on twitter @meanboyspodcast. Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca please play responsibly hi everybody welcome back to the mean boys podcast i'm'm Joe Dosh. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Mormon timeshare salesman. I didn't know this was a... I kind of like it. We did it last week off the cuff, but let's have it be a weekly tradition.

Because I'm excited for it because you'll eventually run out of steam and start to look foolish. I piled up zingers for Conor McSpadden like I'm the fucking Soviet Union. Like a doomsday prepper. And eventually one of our economies is just going to collapse and the other will be the victor. And you're going to be using Confederate money as building blocks for your little castle of superiority. I'll never trust the greenback. All right. Well, we're all fired up and ready to go.

I think it's time for a Mexican joke-off, don't you, gentlemen? Oh, yes, I'm hot to try. Hi, so topical. Good God. I'll lead this off. All right, everyone. A New York baby products company has developed a hands-free self-driving stroller. The company will unveil the product after its latest invention,

Baby's First Top of the Stairs Trampoline. Actress Jada Pinkett-Smith announced she is boycotting the Academy Awards due to their lack of diversity. Hollywood has responded by continuing to boycott her shitty career. 293 patients

have gotten a single condescending snort. That warranted one syllable. All right. Yeah, that would have bombed in the Chelsea Lately Writers Room. Yeah, all right. 293 patients of a Massachusetts hospital have been exposed to HIV due to use of improper equipment during colonoscopies. The accused doctor released a statement saying,

I am deeply sorry for taping that GoPro to my dick. You could say the same thing about the gay community. Mine was better, asshole. Anyway. All right. Las Vegas cab companies are overcharging by $47 million a year. Customers say, I'd pay $48 not to hear about my Uber driver's improv troupe. I love the way Ted's nodding. In case you can't hear that at home,

I got some nods. I got some solid suggestive nods. I'll put the laughs in in post. Put it like the home improvement laugh track. Yeah, yeah. A blizzard has killed at least five people in New York City this week. Officials are saying this is a dark time for the city and a deep tragedy they will never forget about.

I hated it so much the rage bubbled up and turned into laughter. That was like a Skrillex drop. Drop the dub. Canada has had a step. Got a school shooting this. Sorry. Oh, Jesus. Dumb step.

Welcome to the giggling cunts variety hour. Yeah. This is the third time we've said that on this show in four episodes. Canada had a... Shit. All right, I'm just doing a different joke. You got it, you got it, you got it. Canada?

No, I'm fired up. I'm not going to dismiss it. Do your Canada joke. No, I'm just doing a joke. You got it, you got it, you got it. Canada? No, I'm fired up. I'm not going to dismiss it. Do a Canada joke. No, I'm not. A Chinese restaurant has been shut down after flavoring its food with opium to hook customers. Investigators of the case commented, opium is a strange name for a poodle. God damn it, Connor. Residents of Heart Island, New York, are voting on whether to turn a mass grave of unclaimed bodies into a community park.

Residents propose the initiative in light of the success of the Rape of Nanking laser tag complex. Big week for China, apparently. I'm looking forward to the episode

when you run out of historical tragedy after your last crystal-mocked joke. That's the great thing about the nature of man, Connor, you'll never forget. It's the gift

that keeps on giving. Yeah. Sorrow. The impover the nature of man, Connor. You'll never forget it. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Yeah. Sorrow. All right. The impoverished city of Flint, Michigan, is suffering a drought after their water supply was reported to be tainted, resulting in the hospitalization of several children. The only upside to the debacle is it's the first time in years somebody that wasn't a cop pumped a bunch of black kids full of lead.

Just a quiet nod, and the producer left the room. That's fantastic. Yeah, it was good. It was fine. $50,000 in bull semen was stolen from a truck in Northern California. Keith Carey's mother's in vitro fertilization appointment had to be rescheduled. Can I tell you something? God, I thought we were going to get through a whole one.

Absolutely not. My mom was listening to this podcast and she said, you guys really need to take it easy on Keith's mother. And I said, no, no, no, no, mom. Keith's mom is a terrible person. and she said, you guys really need to take it easy on Keith's mother. And I said, no, no, no, no, mom. Keith's mom is a terrible person. And she went, oh, okay. Hi, mom. She can't live. They don't have

Wi-Fi in her box. Yeah, her pussy doesn't have Wi-Fi. That is where I thought you were going with it. You can take it anyway. Anyway. Walmart has agreed to raise wages for more than 500,000 of its workers. Walmart employees were dismayed to find their new paychecks read, Just grab an extra pair of Kirkland sweatpants.

I like it. Not bad. Sarah Palin emerged to support Donald Trump this week. In keeping with tradition, Palin saw her shadow, meaning we're in for six more months of Tina Fey getting applause breaks for picking low-hanging fruit. It was, you know... It's a little inside baseball, but I like it.

Everything in your life needs the fat trimmed out of it, Keith. That was real good. I think I said that already. We're doubling down. A listener on the podcast remark remark that they were like, yeah, Joe's funny. It seems like he only has like three things that he says. Is that really? Yeah, you fucking full-string faggot.

We just have like a little speak and say. Mayonnaise gumby. The Joe says, meh. Heterosexuals are trash. Something something Mad Max. Canada's had a school shooting this week. The students of Saskatchewan Moose College have tied memorial ribbons to their antlers in a show of grief. You were so excited about that terrible joke.

That's my favorite part. I would very much like you to be less happy about that joke. Yeah. The EPA reported that every major American city has hazardous amounts of lead in its water supply. Residents remarked, I've heard of hard water, but this is ridiculously increasing my fetus's retardation. Real high hopes for that one. I like the part where you put all those words that weren't funny in the joke. Yeah, you just gave a big lecture about trimming the fat. That's true.

And you wrote us an essay. For those of you who are listening, Joe just turned his hand to Maximum Gay, which means nothing I can say now is going to work. Stop saying what I look like. They have no context. They have context. They know what hands are. Why don't you go fucking go to people standing outside a movie theater and describe what I look like.

That's my impression of Joe. All right. Fuck this. Next up on the I Know You Are But What Am I podcast. We are like extra angry and childish today. Did we all get our fucking recess reduced before we came in? Yeah, nobody got their snack back before we got in here. Yeah, wow, our blood pressure is dropping. We need some...

All right, well, let's do this now. There's no way it's going to work. Adult website Men.com premiered the first all-gay porn adaptation of Star Wars. All right, well, let's do this now. There's no way it's going to work. Adult website men.com premiered the first all-gay porn adaptation of Star Wars. Fans are eagerly awaiting the sequels Jar Jar Twinks, Guido Shot First, and Two Sons, One Daddy. That's a solid Tatooine reference. It's good for what it is, which is terrible. Moving on. I have nothing to say. That's what days are. It's good for what it is, which is terrible. Moving on.

I have nothing to say. Good day, sir. I could just feel the disdain radiating off of Joe's forehead like Aquaman talking to the fish. Joe is extra salty tonight. Yeah. Scientists in China have created the first autistic monkeys in hopes that they can use them to help cure autism in humans. The scientific community has responded by saying, Big whoop, we already knew Chinese people could have babies. Wow.

Gah. Okay. Look, here's the thing. I'm just trying to get a reaction out of you fucking evil monkeys. Well, that's actually true. That's unfortunate. Did your car break down in Arcadia? You really have it out for the Asians today.

This is just what's in the Red World News section. Wait, I have so many questions. Are they breeding it so they're born autistic? Yeah, they're breeding monkeys so they're born autistic. Oh, so it's not like a normal smart monkey, and then they eject it, and it just feels itself turn retardant. And then they're jerking off while they say the word power. Yeah, I read this.

That's what science is, right? And I'm like, I control Earth. I'm pro-science, but I read this, and I was science is, right? And I'm like, I control Earth! I'm pro-science, but I read this and I was like, damn, we really gotta make autistic monkeys. We gotta introduce them. I mean, they guys can isolate it in the lab, but it's like,

We can't cure it after we show you shit can build it. What they do, I read the article, they just run in circles and they don't talk to anybody. How sad is that? Isn't that what most monkeys do? I mean, monkeys are social. They'd fuck and steal and

cavort around and have fun. Little hoolims. They just don't make eye contact and fucking talk about Deadpool. But it's just that, like, I saw a video of him on his cage. He's just, like, running laps. Like, he's, like, training for the monkey marathon. And it just, like, bummed me out. They're playing

pogs for some reason he just demands cheetos i like the spicy ones oh geez all right you know what that was that was a less than stellar i think mexican joke off on our part i'd like to save us guys i think i can dig us out of the soul okay all right uh 2015 holds the record for most firearms seized by TSA agents. In other news, 2015 holds the record for most airport Cinnabons robbed at gunpoint. I like it. I think it was good. I like this.

This is the second week in a row you've done this thing where you're like, I'll save the day. Well, that's a Mexican joke. That was a Mexican joke. Mexican joke. That was a Mexican joke. That was called the fucking friendship furnace. Welcome to Losing Steam with Joe Connor and Keith. Yeah. Okay. Well, moving on to our next segment.

It's time for the emotional dunk tank, ladies and gentlemen. The dunk tank this week is going to be the Oscars. Guys, yeah, everyone is up in arms about the nominees. They are. It's a big year for not – basically, if you're white, it's a big year for you. If not, everyone's up in arms. Honestly, it's going to be – the last of these are coming pretty soon, so enjoy it, white people. Exactly.

We got one more, and then we're done. Yeah, we're coming towards the end of our streak. This is like Kobe in 2009 where it's like we got to enjoy these good years. His knees are getting bad. These people online are really up in arms. They're up in fat dangling secretary arms. They're up in bingo wings. There's a lot of turquoise jewelry clattering in disdain.

I just like that the Academy hired fucking Chris Rock of all people to do this. They wanted somebody who was going to say the things they were thinking, which is mostly the N word. That's very funny. Well, you do know you have a diversity problem at the Academy when the Aryan Brotherhood has more Hispanic associates. I can't wait for the red carpet. Like, oh, this is a Vera Wang clan robe. They're white, I tell you. They're white.

I'm just upset that Mad Max got stumped for best documentary about the future. I thought that was... I'm not as bad as I am, but you took that joke. The Golden Globes are so much cooler now. It's hipper and people talk about it and people are into it. The Oscars are like RC Coled by Golden Globes is Pepsi. I love how the Golden Globes is just another excuse for Ricky Gervais to just impress his wretched presence upon the world. He's like, hello, I'm still here.

My thing, everyone was freaking out about that Caitlyn Jenner joke. And I'm like, I heard that joke 6,000 times from 8,000 hacks the day it happened. You were 7,000 of them. No, I wasn't. I'm guilty of doing that where I think, oh, I got a hot take. What if it wouldn't have been Affleck's Batman? I'm like, oh, I'm Batman of doing that where I think I think oh, I got a hot take what if what it wouldn't been at when my Would Ben Affleck's bad man. I'm like oh Damon's Robin. I was like you're brilliant

And then I looked at every single person other humans with brains. Yeah, yeah, I'm you know, I'm guilty that sometimes Yeah, I love how you said that like that was gonna be a shock to Keith and I like oh no really I suppose you Are I didn't say like it's gonna be a shock. I yeah this is what happens when you expose vulnerability on mean boy even for us it's been antagonistic has it's been uh comparatively yeah it's been super hardcore yeah I don't know did you Star Wars got nominated for best score and I gotta say I really resent that because I didn't like that movie for one but for two I could I was thinking like, oh, well, the music's going to be good. I couldn't hum one fucking bar of melody from that entire fucking shitty movie. Like, John Williams is in the Fat Elvis stage of his career.

Yeah, you could tell me that was the score to any of the last five movies he's done, and I would believe you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Did you guys see The Revenant? No. You're not missing much. The Revenant is a lot like the Oscars.

It's three hours long. It'd be more fun if somebody got raped by a bear. I'm not going to watch it because I haven't seen it. I haven't seen a lot of these movies because Hollywood watched the Oscars and thought, wouldn't it be great if every movie were this long? It's a celebration of the best films of the year and also Bridge of Spies for some reason. It's like movies responded to TV getting so popular. God, everything's got to be three hours long. Hateful Eight had a fucking intermission. It's the movies responded to TV getting so popular. Be like, God, everything's got to be three hours long.

Hateful Eight had a fucking intermission. Like, it's the fucking 20s. I liked Hateful Eight a lot. I didn't see it. So it just matched your vocab? Yeah. You should love this. Yeah, I was about to say.

Yeah, we're stretching out the movies. We're getting rid of the colors. This is a big time for old-timey Joe. It sure is. Yeah, I went to go see it, actually, inDal Shire with the extended overture and the intermission and the separate drinking fountains. It was a really interesting experience. It really brought it all together.

Well, that's what he wanted for Grindhouse, but they weren't ready at the time. Did you guys see the Straight Outta Compton got nominated for one Oscar, and it was for the writers who are white people? In a year with a diversity problem, they might give a trophy to white people for saying the N-word the best.

Well, you know, and a member of the Academy got in a lot of trouble when he described the Martian as a science experiment gone terribly wrong, and it turned out the reporter was asking about the Danish girl. I also would have accepted tangerine. Boy, I'm glad that landed, because really, that fucking lead fetus retardation joke. Boy, Ed, I was sitting there reading there like, oh, man, I'm really going to pull this out. You guys left me on the rain on one, not one, but two Chinese jokes, which is going to be real awkward for me when they take over, and I'm alone in the fucking white person.

They're poking me with their fucking sticks. We just created this podcast to trick Connor into letting his guard down my overcoat. Exactly. Yeah, let's get Connor to go on for sleep. Let's try to make Connor become so politically incorrect

he ruins any chance at a career. We had no help anyway, so we're just here to sink you. Same, same. Well, guys, that was the emotional

dunk tank. As we all know, the segment ends when we start cheating on each other instead of the thing we played the shit on in the first place.

And that was a great first part of the show. I think we warmed up a little bit. And I think it's time to hear for a word from our sponsors. Do you feel run down? Tired for no reason? Struggling to find motivation for the things you used to love? Well, if you feel how Keith Carey looks, there might be a solution. Try Vicodin.

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It's like you need to buy gold and baby death. It's very Ron Paul. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our ads are all shit that is, like, bumper sticker fodder. It's simple. You sacrificed your baby to Carnox, and now you need a coffin for him. You go to Dr. Mortar, and then you take the Vicodin to forget. They're all in it.

Oh, yeah. That's the whole setup, you know? It's like you get Dollar Shave Club with your Gamefly subscription, and then you just fucking watch Hulu Plus. Yeah, it's an agglomerate. It's a fucking tragedy package. All right. It's time for a new segment here on Mean Boys. Oh, boy. It's an conglomerate. It's a fucking tragedy package. All right. It's time for a new segment here on Mean Boys.

Oh, boy. This is something called New Names. You know, what we're going to do is we're just going to take things and we're going to give them a new name that we think is more appropriate. I'll start us off. I think that Planned Parenthood would be a lot better if it was just called the Pussy DMV. You guys down with that?

I'm into it. If what if Planned Parenthood had a new name? I think it would go a little something like this. Whoa. Hey, fucking,

you're the one who wanted to start a scripted comedy podcast, okay? I sure did. Sorry it doesn't seem so natural when we're reading the fucking jokes we wrote in our laptops,

you twat. That's how you know we're having a good episode when we start blaming each other for the inception of the podcast. Yes. Hey, here's your fucking deal.

I just showed up. You knew what I was like when you married me. I was just riding my skateboard fucking people and being the coolest dude, and then you were like, man, come read things in my face. If you can't handle me at my you know what this reminds me of, then you don't deserve me at your account. You want to go next or you want me to go next? There you go, Keith.

I don't think I understood this segment. We're feeling it now. It's a new segment. Here's one. This is a new social move. I think we can call it pulling an Oscar. That's when you have a bunch of black friends, but you never invite them to your parties. Okay.

One of my new names I decided is that Green Apple should from now on be known as Granny Smith Tree Pussies. Hey, I got it after all. Yeah, you figured it out. Yeah, yeah. You know, I think it's a pretty good name for him, but instead of Keith Carey, I think we should start calling him Argus Crumblebottom.

You want to go, Argus? Tony Hawk Cumblepaw. Oh, my God. go, Argus? Tony Hawk Cumble Pot. Oh my god, Argus Cumble Pot. I can't even think. Holy shit. Let's see. New name, this is called the Fist Trump.

This is when you give a Mexican bones because your words shaking his hand will give you terminal cactus fever. Also known as the jalapeno flu. I just love racist fake diseases. Okay, well, I tell you what, in the spirit of renaming everything, guys, the Los Angeles City Bus will be renamed to a worse-smelling hat of holocaust. Fuck! I'm gonna loop it back!

I'm gonna loop it back! Wow, I mean, I'm finally in the position now. I don't know. Oh, jeez. This is like in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, where she subs the metal dildo up his ass after he rapes her. I'm like, oh, you fumbled the words.

Now it's time for me to give you a hard time about it. Oh my god, I never saw that movie and now I'm not going to. Oh, it's a good movie. Here's how bad I am at reading people. There's this parole officer in the movie, spoiler alert, that he comes in and then he starts talking to this, you know, vagrant girl and he basically, and I'm looking at this guy, I'm like, oh, this

seems like a good guy. He's really going to help her get her life back on track. And then four seconds later he starts raping her and I'm like,, oh, my God, I'm autistic. Jesus. Anyway. Okay. In the spirit of renaming things, the Los Angeles City Bus will now be known as a worse-smelling Holocaust cattle car. All right.

I think we should call the vessels that brought slaves to America internships. I'd like to rename Joe Dosh's mouth the ball pit. Second. It is declared, so saith Grumble Bottom. Grumble Bottom. Grumble Bottom's on Crumble Top now.

This is like the mayor of one of the old English boroughs. Grumble Bottom was like the first kid who died at the chocolate factory. Who can rebuild after the Nazi shelling? Lord Crumblebottom. Lord Crumblebottom. Lord Crumblebottom says poo to the House of Commons. What an obscure legislative reference.

I have to. My jokes are terrible. I know you hold a seat in the House of Bottoms. Mr. McSpadden, you are out of order. Why are you a southern gentleman there? I don't know. It's a House of Cards thing. All right.

Just go, you coffee bottom. All right. Cumble bottom? I think coffee should be renamed to Bowel Avalanche Traffic More Stressful Juice. That's a lot of words. That's so funny. Somehow you were right about this dumb segment. Yeah, I like it.

Asian pussy. I say we call it fortune nookie. Somehow you were right about this dumb segment. Oh, yeah, I like it. Asian pussy. I say we call it fortune nookie. I want you never to feel joy again. You know what I thought of it? No more joy luck for you. When I thought of it, I was like, oh, that still ain't funny. And then I heard it come out of my mouth, and I was like, Joe's right.

Heterosexuals are trash. We're garbage, and we deserve nothing. Yeah, I'm terrible. See, we. See, can't trust him. Whatever way the wind's blowing, the bisexuals on their team. I took the losing team. I'm trying to comfort him. I smell you out, Carrie. I'd like to propose a new name

for people who make fun of hipsters' hair to disguise their lack of an actual personality. I think those people should be called Top Nazis. Alright. Top Nazi. That's what I am. Anyway. Guys, I think from the lovely musical

The Sound of Music, the song Edelweiss should be changed to, Hey Nazis, go take a long walk off a short pier. Welcome to Hitler, boys. Yeah, well, you know, it's either vintage dictatorships or modern dictatorships. So I thought they're hilarious. I think that Old Navy would be a lot better if it was called Suburban Outfitters. I want to propose a new name for when you're dating somebody

and they get mad at you for something you didn't even do wrong, so you just admit guilt even though you just want to avoid a fight and then it gets even worse. It's called doing a Brendan Dassey. So it's making a murderer joke. No, I get it. Oh, I didn't see it. Look, I just finished that dumb show everyone loves

because I'm like, it's a dumb show and I have to watch it. By the way, Keith, I want to ask you, does it annoy you how Connor never watches TV or knows anything? Honestly, after watching Making a Murderer, he's got the right idea. That show is terrible. What? It sucked. Why do you think?

It sucked. Because it didn't move you? It presents itself as like a really interesting show, and then surprise, it's just four hours of fucking a court case. Just fucking doe-faced Wisconsin. Yeah, I'm not super interested in murders that happened ten years ago because I'm not a batty housewife that bugs the shit out of everybody. See, this is what I don't like about Connor is he has this air of like, I don't watch TV. I never bring it up unless it's pertinent to the conversation.

I'm not one of these people that like, oh, I don't own a television. I don't even I don't bring it up unless it's pertinent to the conversation. Even though I don't even brag about it, I'm self-deprecating about it. I'm like, well, I'm one of those cunts that doesn't watch TV. You know, I'm not proud of it. I don't rep it up unless it's pertinent to the conversation. Even though I don't even brag about it, I'm self-deprecating about it. I'm like, I'm one of those cunts that doesn't watch TV. I'm not proud of it. I don't rep it. All right? Like my...

I can't say that. It's about my family. Never mind. Joe, do you have another new name to close this off? Just to clarify, we call my mom a whore 900 times in four weeks, but God forbid we understand you have a family that exists. I'd like to rename my anal douche to my super soaker 50.

Oh, man. That was new names, everybody. Hooray. If you have any new names, tweet the show at Mean Boys Podcast with the hashtag new names. You don't need to use a hashtag. It's not like we get that many people tweeting us. We can find it. We'll read them on the air if we like them. I don't know. Somebody please acknowledge that we're alive. If you're our one Twitter follower that's not a we get that many people tweeting us. We can find it. We'll read them on the air if we like them. I don't know.

Just somebody please acknowledge that we're alive. If you're our one Twitter follower that's not a Persian spam bot. Hey, dude, Persian spam bot's a good buddy of mine, all right? He DM'd me when I followed him. He said, check out my YouTube channel. It's pronounced stinking up Lamborghinis. It's pronounced spam boat. Oh, Lord.

Anyway, I think it's time for another word from our sponsors, boys. Hi, I'm Jeremy Valentine from the American Humane Society, and this is my buddy Scout. Say hi, boy. Good boy. Scout's a Labrador. He's 12 years old, he's great at catch, and he loves peanut

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Block, he's killed so many and he'll kill so many more. Block, it's the only way he knows how to come. Oh yeah, that's what Daddy likes. Ladies and gentlemen, from beautiful Studio City, California, this is Todd Tetley. Make a lot of that good old-fashioned hand-clapping sound for America's favorite host, Terry Tibbins. Hello, everybody, I'm Terry Tibbins. How you doing, Todd? I'm just swell, Terry. How could you not be, pal? Because it's time to play America's favorite game show,

Where Is Your God Now? That's right! The only television show that beckons the audience to ask where their precious God truly is. Let's meet our first contestant from Chaska, Minnesota, Clark Matlinson. Hey there, Clark. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, I suppose. All right, and how do you presume to know God? Well, I was raised Lutheran, but I don't go to church quite as often as I should. Okay, let's meet our next contestant from Venice, California, an Aquarius who describes herself as spiritual but not religious, Kara Prigg. How are you, Miss Kara?

I'm good, Terry. You know when your energies just feel, like, aligned? Not at all, never. And make a lot of noise for our final contestant, Karnak the Bloodfeaster. Welcome to the show, Karnak. War is a force that gives man meaning. Outstanding.

Well, that's enough meeting and greeting. It's time to play Where Is Your God Now? Contestant number one, your wife of 37 years has been diagnosed with stage three cervical cancer. Miraculously, she survives after a year and a half of chemotherapy, only to be killed in a car accident on the way to the grocery store clark matlinson where is your god now is he a always by your side no matter what happens in this world b not interfering with the free will of man while maintaining a watchful eye in ways we can't possibly understand or c an on an omnipotent

monster who orgasms from cruelty and whose ejaculate comprises the rain uh well that that's very tragic but i guess everyone needs to go sometime and it's not something you can avoid oh i'm sorry that is incorrect kara what people don't realize is whatever you put out into the universe, the universe in turn will align to your frequency. Oh, I'm sorry. Not correct at all. Carnock. See? The death of a foe is the only godly process.

That is correct. His semen is made from hate, Terry. It sure is, Todd. Next question. Kara Prigg. Your best friend recovers from a four-year addiction to heroin only to relapse and die of an overdose after becoming addicted to the painkillers prescribed to her after a car accident which severed her legs. Kara Prigg, where is your God now? It's just, that's very negative, and when you put that out into the universe, energy that you can expect to come back at you...

Oh, no, no, no, no. You are an ignorant pig of the highest order. Clark. Well, you gotta take the good with the bad, and sometimes God takes things away from your hands to free them up to hold better things. Clark, you are a true simpleton. Carnock. Partial

credit. That sound means it's time for our lightning round. Contestants, you have found your god at last. He is but the faintest flicker of light in a stygian abyss man cannot fathom a human soul having the capacity to contain. What does he feel about children's

tears? Are they A, gasoline for the hateful flames of an imposter deity who knows not but contempt, or B, an emptiness less than nothingness itself. Kara, I'm just really depressed. Clark. Uh, well, I guess there is no God. Carnock.

You two are very negative. All right. It doesn't matter who's correct because the winner is as important as whether or not you'll ever know love. I'm your host, Terry Tibbins, and as always, my announcer, Todd Tetley. Your prayers are the newspaper of God's birdcage, Terry. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for playing

Where Is Your God Now? Hi, everyone. On this Gay Agenda update, I'm very pleased to announce the six-month mini-anniversary of the federal recognition of marriage equality in America. For too long, gay men and women in the United States have been excluded from the pursuit of happiness promised in the Declaration of Independence. And now, at last, we can join our friends, family, and fellow Americans in equality to love whomever our heart desires, and that all Americans of all orientations are equal in love, respect, and fellow sodomite damned.

It is I, the dark priest Phagomemnon, brothers in demonism and anus worship, a satanic gay cabal to manipulate the governments of the earth into abandoning the laws of righteousness and following the path of evil has come to fruition. The nights of pouring over demonic grimoires, the harvesting of Mormon baby blood for use in our sex magic rituals have not been in vain. Paul has not forsaken us. We have usurped the foolish government of the United States which lies cradled in the bosom of God the Father, into approving our heinous facsimile of the sacrament of marriage. Brothers of wickedness, Jesus,

son of Yahweh, is truly a puny, sniveling god, too weak to protect his father's creation from the hand of the Morning Star. Christ is Satan's bottom! Christ is Satan's bottom! His shame and ignominy will echo forever as he watches humanity wither a soul-rotting death, while the sodomite wicked feast for eternity at the left hand of the king of hell.

Soon, all hate speech laws and anti-bullying ordinances will suppress all mental resistance to the gay fascist one-world cabal, which will label as a bigot all who oppose our mandatory sodomy laws, which exterminate the reproduction of the human race in the name of Satan the Lightbringer. Christ is Satan's bottom! Christ is Satan's bottom. As professed, the first child conceived solely through homosexual intercourse, how shoon be among us. The book of Thoth foretells that this progeny of this species of darkness,

upon whose seven horned heads are written blasphemous names, shall be born to Randall, Thatcher, and Terrence Wettenkamp of Dubuque, Iowa. Their wedding reception shall be decorated with peonies! Peonies. All children of Yahweh will kneel in submission before Daggeroth the Anusborn. All

hail Daggeroth, the Black Sword of the Morning Star. Yeah, Doroth. Mean Boys is back. Yeah, it sure is. We're just doing the same thing now. We've become one unit. And we are going to close out with a round of our favorite game show.

Which of the following? Oh, yay. I like how we've said our favorite game show twice in this show so far. This is our favorite game show. The other one's another. Look, fuck you. Leave the fourth wall alone. Let's just do this thing.

I like to think all of our segments are my favorite. I like all the ones where Joe's not involved. This week's Witch of the Following, we're going to be playing with Cannibal Corpse song titles Oh yes First of all I'm going to nail this Tell you that right now I love Cannibal Corpse Oh fuck really? Yes Oh well fuck

Oh shit okay I'll play along They all sound the same I'm kidding Okay this seems like research I should have done Oh I have a lot to say on the subject let me tell you Alright so round one Witch of the Following is not a real cannibal corpse song? Number one,

the cryptic stench. Number two, blinded with piss. Number three, followed home, then killed. Number four, a skull full of maggots.

Oh, Christ. I got to say the cryptic stench, but I can't believe. You are so wrong, McSpadden. It is three, followed home,

then killed. The correct answer is two, blinded with piss. Oh, no. Wow. Oh, McSpadden. It is three. Followed home, then killed. The correct answer is two. What? Oh, no. Wow. Oh, you cocky fuck. You cocky fuck. Followed home, then killed.

Oh, I'm going to nail it. There's nothing better than Joe. What a douchey thing to be cocky about is, I know all the Cannibal Corpse songs. I'm going to be 30 in 10 months. What I would like to say is that not four minutes before we recorded this segment, off the air, Joe Dosh was giving me shit about reading a Chuck Palahniuk book, calling me an edgy teenager, and then you started gloating about your cannibal corpse knowledge, like you're the fucking king of Cheetos, wearing your tight black jeans and your bullet belt. I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter.

You know what I thought I had today is the fact that you escaped Montana doing drag shows. You're like the Harry Potter of hate crimes. Like what fucking lightning bolt of jizz did you get on your head that protected you from all those fucking truckers with their chains? A big bear throws you in the back of his bike. A literal bear. It's Montana. Very rural.

Alright, round number two. Which of the following is not a real song title? Number one, Orgasm Through Torture. Number two, Stripped, Raped, and Strangled. Number three, Switchblade Circumcision. Or number four, Blunt Force Castration. I would just like to comment that Keith Carey's laptop is the same one I used in fourth grade to do classwork on. I just got it for free.

Did this fucking have Reader Rabbit installed on it? Fucking probably. When I was putting together this slideshow... Turn down your fucking announcer voice when you're talking to me. Don't tell me what to do! When I do a funny voice, you stop yelling at me.

That's what we've learned. No, when I was putting this slideshow together for this game, it didn't even come up with the beach ball when I saved. It was the little picture of the watch,

and I was like, oh no. Do you have to clean the Funyun crumbs out of the USB port when you want to plug in your hard drive? I thought Funyun crumbs out of the USB port when you want to plug in your hard drive I thought Funyun crumbs was a cannibal corpse song

Funyun crumbs well we're getting we're getting away from ourselves here yeah oh shit I gotta admit dude God is punishing

for my hubris I did not know the answer Switchblade Circumcision that's just the name of the initiation for all the gangs in the neighborhood I grew up in

I do believe it's stripped raped and, and strangled. I'm going to say Switchblade Circumcision. The correct answer is three. Switchblade Circumcision. The thing is you just got to imagine Keith smugly celebrating thinking of the answer. Yeah. Which one would he twiddle his fat little fingers and glee with the most?

I haven't gotten one of these right yet. And I came out so hot out of the gate. I am. I haven't gotten one of these right yet. I'm beating you at your own game. And I'm not talking about bottoming posts. I thought I knew so much about Cannibal Corpse and now I look like a fool. It's fucking Magic of the Gathering all over again. Anyway. Round three. Witch of the Valling is not a real song. Number one,

fucked on a bed of nails. Number two, meat hook sodomy. Number three, mummified in barbed wire. Or number four, submerged in boilingomy. Number three, Mummified in Barbed Wire. Or number four, Submerged in Boiling Flesh. Oh, Christ. These are... Oh, three of these are real. That's just so upsetting.

And by the way, too, I have one Cannibal Corpse album art on my iPod, and you know how it just shuffles the... Like, when it pops up, it's just repellent. It's such a bummer. I'm afraid that, like... It is. I mean, you're talking to a guy who listens to Death Grips in the morning to get going and I'm like,

oh lord. Wait, wait, wait. I can't let you listen to Death Grips in the morning to get going and like psych yourself up for a day. He's getting going

to his school shooting. He's like, fuck. Dude, it's exactly as pathetic as you imagine it. Come on, you can do this.

It's me in pajama bottoms shouting, I got the fever. I'll move out of my mom's house one day. And then like, she's got like a bowl of life cereal ready for you. Come up and get me. Are you ready for your life, Connor? You're fucking right I am.

Death Grips, by the way, the theme song of this podcast. Check them out on iTunes. I believe it's mummified and barbed wire. I'm going to say Meat Hooks out of me. The correct answer is number one, fucked on a bed of nails. Damn. I'm ashamed of myself. You should be.

I'm so glad this is not working out for you. Part of this is that I'm very good at making these up, because this is all I've ever wanted. Oh, my God. This is the only time you're ever going to be able to suck your own dick, you fat fuck. Round four. Number one, force-fed broken glass. Number two, five nails through the neck. Number three, fucked with a knife. And number four, face full of acid.

You look like Cannibal Corpse's guitar tech. Okay, well... Shit. Pride goeth before the fall, as the Bible says. I don't know, but I'm going to assume it's face full of acid, because how can a face be full of acid, so to speak? Here's the thing. Keith says fucked with a knife almost as much as he says just, like,

prepositions, like, up and down, above. So that's a very common Keithy phrase, but I also feel like he would have included that and throw me off by the way ramsey can you find a way to cut out keith's heavy fucking tony soprano breathing i'm gonna say face full of acid i i'm gonna fucking calm where's the cop a cool i'm gonna i'm gonna agree with joe you're gonna agree okay yeah face full of acid all right still beating you all right And calm was a cup of cold. I'm going to agree with Joe. You're going to agree? Okay. Yeah, face full of acid. Great answers, face full of acid.

All right. Still beating you. All right. And the final round, all real or all fake? Necropedophile, dismembered and molested, entrails ripped from a virgin's cunt, and I come blood. Those are all real, baby. All real.

Entrails ripped from a virgin. All real. The trail's ripped from a... All real! Oh, jeez. God help us all. This has been a very, like, Satan-heavy episode. Oh, Tipper Gore, how could you let this happen? I like how the first couple episodes of the ISIS jokes

were just the, like, labial stimulation for the full finger banging of Satan. It really is. What did I say, Satan? It was like ISIS and female circumcision, and now to horror and Satan worship, and there's just been an undercurrent of Third Reich references. That's like the pie crust.

So what we're saying is this is going exactly how we wanted it to. It sure is. As much as we shit on the archetype, this podcast is going to be so popular among edgy 14-year-olds. We really are killing it among Orange County zilches. If you have blonde hair that's dyed black and you're wearing some kind of pentagram necklace, this is the show for you. Just fucking click through on our Amazon button to buy your Fear and Loathing poster, you fucking nobody. Well, I think that's bringing the show to a close.

Please email us on the website. We've got a contact page if you want to hear what the Mean Boys have to say about your problems in your life or whatever. Yes, we're here for you. Follow us on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. And let's plug it one more time before it happens. Absolutely. Riot Fest, L.A., a big comedy festival this weekend. All three of the Mean Boys will be performing at the Roast Battle.

Connor and Joe are going to be beating the shit out of each other. I will be at the haters table, probably somehow getting made fun of more than both of them. Yeah, exactly. Connor Woods. Like the Mean Boys, Connor and I will be in the spotlight

and Keith will be on the periphery. The guitar tech. I'm the roadie for this podcast. Oh, I'm teasing, Keith. That's fine. I'm teasing. That's not true. You know I like you more than Connor

by leaps and bounds. That's true. I've Fuck you all. That's not true. You know I like you more than Connor by leaps and bounds. That's true. Yeah, because I... I've never leaped or bounded. Don't for you. Because you're much easier to subvert his personality upon. That's fine. Look, I just need to be ruled.

I crave subjugation. Yeah, too bad they don't make gimp suits in your size. They do. They're called tents. You got the zipper built in and everything. Where do you get a leather tent? Keith, you're spending a lot of money on bulk vinyl.