Mean Boys - EP 51 - Serena Fly Trap (feat. Tom Goss)

Episode Date: March 15, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “The Moon Landing”, “Tom Tompardy”, and a game of “Which of the Following” with things The CIA did. Watch the new Burn Booth: youtu.be/J4RS0ErEc1k Follow our guest Tom Goss on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: http://soundcloud.com/meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. There may not be a heaven, but there's definitely a hell. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm... The exiled prince of the marmots. I would have also accepted people fungus. Okay, the marmots are good people.

Fungus, no. All right? Yeah, fungus isn't good people. Of course not. I wouldn't let fungus babysit. I think you're biased because you are currently living in a basement that is slowly turning into mushrooms. I really...

I thought... I was thinking the other day, I should buy a Venus fly trap to get rid of some of the bugs down there. Not a can of Raid, not a fly swatter, a Venus fly trap. It's cheap, and it does all the work for you. Tom. You know they're not just like in cartoons, like they're not going to just roam around and eat all the flies. Yeah, it's not like a Roomba for bugs.

I know how they work, they have a scent that attracts flies. Tom, you can't bring a fucking plant with a mouth into your weird basement because it's going to gain sentience. There's already so many swords. Yeah. I mean, yeah, no, I got the perfect defense point. Venus fly traps are completely friendly towards people. They just don't like bugs.

Serena fly traps, on the other hand. I have a mean backhand. Serena fly traps. Did I say Serena? That's my drag queen name from now on, for sure. That's so good. Oh, another one me and Jessica came up with. Serena Flytrap. Did I say Serena? That's my drag queen name from now on, for sure. That's so good. Oh, another one me and Jessica

came up with, Harry Ass Truman for a drag king. That might be mine. Yeah, Tom, give the listeners an update on the black mold in your basement.

It's on most of the wall in the corner. It is growing faster than the listenership of this program, to be certain. Just as useful to society. Yeah, very similar demographic, though.

Yeah. Except for the black part. It looks angry. If you look at it, it doesn't. You ever seen a wall frown? Yeah. No, it's not good. I got an air purifier, so I'm back to breathable air conditionings down there and uh which when i first turned it on

is it's got the little light that goes this is a problem and it was telling me like yeah you didn't know an air purifier could do the uh yiddish like flower spinning around on the side it's eating healthier air now. I just, you know... You are not still chain-smoking, inhaling fucking fried vegetable fumes in the kitchen? Well, it's just like... The problem is there's so many spiders down there, but they gotta eat something. You know what I mean?

There's mosquitoes... No, we don't know what you mean. Tom, they have to eat something? Like, you? Spiders have to eat some sort of insect. So if I get the Venus flytrap, I can just feed it all the spiders. That's at least several months of food. I feel like they wrote a children's song about this

Like the old lady who swallowed the fly Yeah, yeah, yeah You're in a weird Like we put out the snakes Now we got the mongoose I can fight Alright, here's the deal I bought a rhino

Because when those rhinos eat hippos I can fight and beat a Venus flytrap Alright, all you do is drop it on the ground The bat of the century The rumble in the basement Genuine question How big of a Venus flytrap do you think you could fight? Just your hands.

It's not a Harry Potter creature. You just... It's like fighting a vegetable. You're just like, meh. It's like fighting a vegetable. You know how everyone's fought a vegetable before? Well, yes, I agree. For the Venus flytrap, it would be fighting a vegetable.

Check out the Mean Boys Twitter for pictures of Tom doing an armbar in an eggplant. I'm just saying, they're good. They're somewhere between their plants. They're kind of like a pet. It could teach me responsibility. It would get rid of some of my bug problems. My sister gave... Okay, this is not a...

For Christmas... Hang on. For Christmas, my sister gave everyone a plant. All my siblings got Venus flytraps. I got a stick of bamboo because she said, I didn't trust you to take care of it. So they gave you one that's a weapon? This is the worst one of Aesop's fables I've ever heard. No, it's just a little stick of bamboo.

It's still alive, but barely. Like, it's dying. The top of it's dead. Tom has a pet stick. That he killed. He thinks he can bare-knuckle box a Venus flytrap, and his basement is full of poison. All is right with the world.

Yeah, you're at prime Tom shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, we're all fired up, gang. Shall we get into the Mexican joke-off? Dun-dun-dun-dun. Oh, come on, do this thing. What? Oh, the...

Oh, isotropical. There it is. It's hot again, bitches. Full rotation from my first appearance tom likes the cold because then that's when you keep saying i'm peaking a lot at three in the morning when it's 40 degrees yeah it's pretty pretty terrifying uh you want to start off sure thing the president of fifa said today that trump's travel ban could prevent the u.s from hosting the world cup in 2026 his grim prophecy appealed to the only thing Trump's political base loves more than immigrants,

soccer. Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott pulled down a woman's top at a St. Patrick's Day parade. He has been charged with assault, invasion of privacy, and offensive holding. Five-yard penalty, automatic first down. That's funny. That makes me feel like it's not. That's a good bump. I enjoyed it. That's funny. Two children were feel like it's not. That's a good bump.

I enjoyed it. That's funny. Two children were killed in a shooting in New Orleans. The mother was devastated, saying, if only the New Orleans Pelicans can shoot like that. They're a basketball team. Oh, okay. They're terrible.

That's a fantastic joke for whatever the overlap of a diagram between New Orleans basketball enthusiasts and school shooting fan is. I'm sure that their listeners of the Mean Boys audience, they just like the Pelicans because they're the worst mascots in sports history. They are pretty horrifying. That's, you know, that's... I don't know about the Mission Viejo Marmots.

Aren't they great? Oh, the Venus Flytraps seem tougher than the fucking Pelicans. Oh, dude, Venus Flytrap, but he's doing like the backwards like old-timey boxing twist, would actually be sick as fuck. I'm just knocked out at its feet. Just kidding. Venus tomtrap.

X's on the eyes. All right. 46 people were killed this weekend on an African garbage dump landslide. Connor McSpadden was shocked to learn that 46 people live in the toilet of Keith Carey's favorite couscous restaurant. Showdown. A garbage dump collapsed, causing a landslide of trash that killed dozens in Ethiopia. Residents are praising Ethiopia's new urban revitalization project. Not quite a show-off, but close.

A bus driver drove through a street music festival and killed 34 people in a fiery wreck in Haiti. The survivors scrambled to safety as the musicians began playing, feeling hot, hot, hot. Double showdown. 34 people were killed in Haiti this week after a bus crashed into a street parade. The country is in mourning and must reset its clock back to zero days without getting a Wyclef Jean song written about us. The whitest thing that's ever happened on this show is you mispronouncing Wyclef Jean. Oh, yeah.

I suppose it is. It's fine. That was a cool showdown. Six have been hospitalized and two have died due to eating poison cheese. If you'd like to watch somebody die a slow, cheesy death, be sure to catch Conor McSpadden at the Bumblefuck Nebraska Event Center and Bowling Alley. Okay. Hey, man, there's a great local music scene in Bumblefuck.

Bumblefuck Shoot Comedy Music Festival. South by South. On an unrelated note, researchers are saying the oldest ancestor to man is a pale, fleshy bag with a mouth for anus. In unrelated news, Conor McSpanish has never felt more human. Oh, man. I thought I was dancer this whole time. Good old fleshy anus bag. What an amazingly weird killer's reference you just made, by the way.

Hey, man, I listened to music in 2010. That made me really happy. I fucking hate that song. Are we on Mr. Brightside right now? You fell off, Brendan Flowers. All right? Sawdust was the last listenable project, and that was a B-sides compilation. I don't get these references.

I'd like to know Connor doesn't speak for the whole podcast, and I quite enjoy Day and Age. Oh, okay. Battleborn was still terrible, though. All right. A massive influx of great white sharks have appeared off the coast of Cape Cod. Scientists think they're changing their migratory patterns for the shark lacrosse tournament. What? Cape Cod.

I understand. Rich New England people. It's just very sad. I was looking for... Hey, maybe I thought I wrote five good ones, and I only had four decent ones. You know how this show has poisoned my brain? It's like I was looking for a rape joke that wasn't there because I heard lacrosse. Oh, I thought it wasn't

the show. You know, I thought I was thinking about a right one and I was like, you know, they don't all have to be so evil. Sometimes it can just be about sharks playing things that require arms they don't have. Both sharks and lacrosse are great. Not rape, though. We're going to go to a lacrosse game with Tom. You know who doesn't rape?

Sharks. You know who does rape? Dolphins. Thank you. Yeah, okay, fine. That was a high five, motherfuckers. Congratulations. You can be the Johnny Cochran of sharks.

Just defending their virtue. Who's Johnny Cochran? He got OJF. Oh, yeah, good for him. Not for anybody else, but for him. Comedian Dave Chappelle showed up unannounced to give a speech at a town hall meeting in Ohio. Onlooker said his first statement was pretty good, his second one was great, and his third one got a little preachy and lazy until he finally just gave up and let Charlie and Don Al finish it.

That is a joke for no one. I know who Chappelle is. I don't get it, though. All right. On three, guys. One, two, three. Fuck everything. God is dead. Okay.

We didn't really coordinate on that. No, I wanted to see if the telepathy would work, and boy, did it not. I thought we were going to go for Newark County Landfill, but I know what you were trying to do. Every time you guys count, you say, fuck everything. God is dead. I just went with the flow, and you guys changed it. I just said shark rape flow, and you guys changed it. I just had a shark rape. Yeah, dude, the best moment of me and Keith's professional lives was bombing so badly when

we told Gabe Chappelle to go back to Africa. He laughed. He was the only one who laughed. He was the only one who liked it. He said, that's funny, because I did go to Africa. Yeah, he got it. He's a smart guy. Yeah, yeah.

He knows what he did. Yeah. Shockingly, Dave Chappelle understands comedy. Everybody else, get on it. Yeah. I love him. All right, Tom. A moose had to be put down in the wildlife preserve in Alaska due to terrible leg injury.

After the gunshot, a cartoon squirrel came out of nowhere and exclaimed, And now something you'll really like. I'm going to go pull a bullet out of your head. Kind of gilded the lily at the end there. Oh, damn, Tom. That was some good stuff. Damn, there it is. Every time you make a reference to anything,

I'm surprised you know facts about something other than, like, you know, 14th century, like, rebellion leaders. The illegal is great. Yeah, no one's fighting you on that. Yeah. We're all family. The energy is strange at this table right now. It's fun.

I'm having fun. I know. All right. Nothing worse than when you say that with Christmas in your eyes while you're scratching your beard and you just look like, oh, what are you up to? I'm just rubbing my face for energy. For fuck's sake, Tom. Friction.

Yeah, my beard's like a solar panel for bad ideas. It feels crazy. Just let the sun hit it and then I feel like I can kill whatever. A new trend of adulting classes has become popular

among millennials venturing out for life on their own. A glaring omission from these classes is how to beg for mercy in Chinese while fashioning a makeshift

gas mask out of a wet superhero t-shirt in the mines. Our empire has grown soft and we deserve our fate. I like that. There's a lot of

information. Yeah, that was too much i overloaded should rub my beard faster oh he's getting ready for something he's doing two hands i'm trying to slow the pitch down for tom this time a u.s senator publicly recognized the work and impact of rapper biggie smalls the american government has vowed to honor his legacy by making this country a place where all young, hard-working black men will always be able to be murdered without consequence. That one's

tough because it's true. Yeah. Rub the beard. Close it strong. I love this energy. An old woman came out of her home to throw rocks and then try to shoot a drone out of the sky with her rifle. She told the press, no cyborg Mary Poppins is going to steal my peach cobbler recipe. Fucking what?

You should have rubbed your beard a little more, buddy. What could you have possibly meant? I mean, do you want me to try to explain? No. I mean, yes. Yeah, you have to. I mean, the joke is that this old lady thought that the drone was trying to steal her peach cup because old people are paranoid. Old people are paranoid.

Maybe. You know, Venus fly traps outside their house. Maybe I thought that I was going to do that joke earlier and not close on that one and then did them all out of order because of the showdown and you fill in the blanks. Welp. But doesn't this end on a cooler note than if I murdered... Everyone's happier this way.

No one wants me to succeed fully. I like that we're just quiet for long enough. Tom keeps saying wisdom. My parents told me that. Tom, keep digging. You'll get to China eventually. China will come to me. I'm not going anywhere.

There it is. The Mean Boys will be right back. All right, Neil. We're almost there. Oh, the moon, bro. I'm so amped. Hey, check in with Houston. Houston. Houston to Apollo. We're just checking in. we're almost there. Oh, the moon, bro. I'm so amped. Hey, check in with Houston. Uh, Houston?

Houston to Apollo. Uh, we're just checking in. We're almost there. And, uh, Neil just wanted me to tell you that he's amped. Yo, Houston. Houston! Houston, we have a problem. Apollo, this is Houston.

What is the problem? Oh, sorry, that was an accident. Yeah, I was saying the Houston Oilers have a problem with their QB. I heard they lost again. Ugh. Please focus on the moon, Neil. All right, Neil. You ready for this?

Suit up. Right. Okay, where's the camera? I don't know, bro. Where'd you put it? Where'd I put it? Where'd you put it? You were in charge of the camera, dude.

It was specifically stated in the rundown, bro. Oh, like you read the rundown. No, this is what I'm talking about, Buzz. You've been a dick this whole time. Hey, Neil, stop talking about sports. Hey, Neil, stop messing with the controls. Hey, Neil, stop talking about pussy. We've been up here forever, dude.

I don't know what keeps you from opening the emergency hatch, but I like to play with the ship's joystick and talk about Tang. God damn it, Neil, it's a spaceship, and you should know it's not called a joystick. You should know what the controls are. At least I know what a camera is, dumbass. It's gotta be up here somewhere. Houston, uh, we have a problem this time.

Um, so, Houston got a touchdown. They are tied with the Patriots currently. No, Houston, we forgot the camera. Buzz! Buzz, you forgot the camera? I thought Neil had the camera. That's it, Buzz. You stay on the ship. Neil's going on the moon. But I want to go to the moon. But we still don't had the camera. That's it, Buzz. You stay on the ship. Neil's going on the moon. But I want to go to the moon. But we still don't have a camera.

Just get the audio. Hollywood owes us a favor. It's time to make a home movie. Alright, let's do this. Oh, and Neil? Yes, Houston? Houston just scored a field goal. Game over. Congrats, Mr. Armstrong. The Mean Boys would like to thank Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin for recording the moon landing audio Neil Armstrong continued his career to become the

world's greatest trumpet player Buzz Aldrin never walked on the moon but walked on earth excessively Houston packed their bags and moved to Tennessee you may know them today as the Tennessee Titans Alright guys I'm bringing it back. Back here on the Mean Boys podcast,

and we're going back to one of the favorite Mean Boys games. Give a warm welcome to another round of the famous, well, not famous, but to the game. Not the favorite, because that's some other game, and not the second favorite, because you gave that to someone else. But I'm going to say this is a third favorite game, just by patenting. Give it up for Tom Tomperdy.

It was so good, it has a 90-second introduction. Hi, Tom. That's why you gotta let Tom bring it back from commercial there will be blood had less exposition than that and I didn't see that movie either do you want to briefly explain this to anybody

who hasn't heard a Tom Tomperdy episode I mean basically add Jeopardy plus my brain and you get Tom Tomperdy Tom has remarkably interesting ways of describing very common concepts and things, so he's brought some of those in, and this is a game of Jeopardy. We have to try and figure out

what the fuck Tom is talking about. A reversified version of our game Lightning Round where we'd say something. We'll do a quick example right now. Penguins. Oh, snow ducks. There you go. Just like that. Backwards in Jeopardy format

with old fucking concussion Trebek behind the wheel. Cannot wait. You shouldn't drive after head trauma. Thank you mental health Snapple fact man. I think that was an Alex Trebek impression that didn't work out. I don't know how he talks actually.

You actually weren't far off. You don't know how to talk, period. I don't know how he talks, actually. You actually weren't far off. Well, you don't know how to talk, period. I don't know how he talks. I assume with his butt. Yeah. No, that was me. Didn't you listen to the joke-offs? I got the anus mouth.

Oh, anus bag. You remembered one of my jokes? The star shoots through the kitchen. Reading rainbow. Okay. All right. You guys ready for the categories? Aw. Reading rainbow. Okay. All right. You guys ready for the categories? Yes.

And then who's keeping track of the score? That would be me once I get my notepad. Okay. We can just pause for a second while he grabs it. So little Diddy, while he's grabbing his things, are you going to sing, Keith? Oh, no. I thought you were going to say words. Oh, I was just setting you up. Cool. I'm not going to sing. Okay. Oh, no, I thought you were going to say words Oh, I was just setting you up

Cool, I'm not going to sing Okay, well, you really ruined this improv Yeah, we really threw away our opportunity to make that dead air interesting Alright Oh, yeah, we can just cut that in post Yeah, let's do that You guys ready for your categories? Yeah

Categories Categories are TV shows Calamari's are Countries Famous people And wars Ooh, okay

My favorite one was when it was like The working class Things that kill Cheeses that aren't very good And then who do we decide Who won the last one? I think Heath won the last one I think we only played this once.

No, we've done it twice. I'll go first. Okay. I am going to say TV shows for 100. TV shows for 100. We don't file paperwork. Oh. Keith.

What is The Office? Points. 100 points. I thought for sure This was a cop show Where they don't play By the rules Fucking shit

I saw This is Keith controls the board TV shows for 200 Okay You got Double Topperty Oh shit

What does that mean? Well how does Double Jeopardy work? Stop Stop including parts Of the game You don't understand Because I don't really know How Double Jeopardy work? Stop including parts of the game you don't understand because I don't really know how Double Jeopardy works either. You can bet as much money as you want. Okay.

I suppose you'll wager $100, and if you win, you'll get $200. The question is worth anyway. It's literally worth $200. I wasn't expecting it to be the second selection. Oh, I know. You didn't have to. Tom, okay. Yeah. You know what? I'll put Tom Tom It's just funny. You didn't have to... Tom... Okay. I'm gonna...

Yeah. You know what? I'll put Tom Tomperty somewhere else. You mean double Tomperty? You don't even know what you're talking about. I'll say what I want to say.

We can just... It's already... You know, it's been set. Hey, TV shows for 200. TV shows for 200. We're too British. And then Keith has the right to answer this exclusively.

Oh, we're too British? No, it... I have a second location for Tom Tomper exclusively. Oh, we're too British? No, I have a second location for Tom Tompery. Okay. Also the office. No. Shit, we're too British.

Doctor who? No, the answer was the crown. Oh, I didn't... I fucking hate culture. Um... Alright, Keith gains back control of the board as Tom is starting a bonfire for significant books to the indigenous peoples.

Keith controls the board. I'm going to say Famous People for 100. Famous People for 100. Ugly Katy Perry. Oh. Fuck, I looked away. Britney Spears Nope Lady Gaga Keith still controls the board

Famous People for $200 Famous People for $200 You did the bad thing movies. Oliver Stone. No. Who is Michael Moore? Correct. Nothing feels as good as getting one of these right.

Oh, God. Dude, I usually... I'm kind of glad I'm not good at this because I feel like that's a bad sign. I know. It means the mold is spreading into my mind. Yeah. Keith controls the board. Yeah, let's move it over.

Let's go. I'm sorry. I'm just looking at how Tom and Tomperty are on two different lines. This looks like it was drawn by a madman. I'm going to say countries for 100. Countries for 100. Japan's Mexico. What is the Philippines? 100. Japan's Mexico.

What is the Philippines? No. Oh, shit. What is Korea? Correct. I was going to say the Philippines. Fuck. Wars for 100.

Wars for 100. Hey, buddy, I like your house. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Hey, buddy, I like your house. War. What is the French and Indian War? No.

Okay. Okay. What is the gang war in Los Angeles? No, it was the American Indian War. That's not a thing. Yeah, it is. Is it? Yes. Was that war called the American Indian War?

Yes. I Googled it. Okay. I mean, you were thinking of the right thing, but that's not... The French and Indian War is the name of it. Yeah, I think I'm right, but it's fine. The French and Indian War is like the name of it. I think I'm right, but it's fine. Tom, I'm not going to wait for you to Google a war.

I'll check afterwards. If you're right, I'll give you the... Tom, lording over his authority after he got the name of a war wrong. I'm pretty sure I'm correct. God help me, I'll say wars for 200. By the way, Tom, you're holding the notebook over his shoulder with the edges on it like a ghetto blaster from the 90s. Like Hulk Hogan carrying the championship belts.

Or King Kong carrying a lady down to a basement. I did it for Daddy. The Iraq War. The second Iraq War versus Iraq War. Operation Iraqi Freedom or whatever. Connor controls the board. I'm going Wars for 300. Wars for 300.

It's not my bedtime, Dad. What is the Revolutionary War? Points. Yo, what? Keith controls the board. It makes sense, doesn't it? Famous people for 300. Famous people for 300. Famous people for 300.

Manfoot of Taekwondo. What? Manfoot of Taekwondo. Manfoot of Taekwondo. Who's Bruce Lee? Nope. Who is Jackie Chan? Nope.

Who is Joe Rogan? Man foot? He's shaped kind of footy. Shut the fuck up. Dumb idiot. What? I like him. I like that we've compared Joe Rogan to two different body parts two weeks in a row on the show.

I called him a thumb last week when Tony was here. I mean, that's fair. Feet are like giant thumbs. No, Tom, they are not. They're like feet, okay? For Christ's sake, TV shows for $300. TV shows for $300. Your enthusiasm

is exhausting. I love it. The wealthy incest crockpot. Fucking the fucking the tutors yeah you're wrong a bunch i think what is game of thrones nope oh arrested development oh yeah oh yeah okay well the tutors is about like shake i thought there's like old people rich people by the way i just wanted to point out that you said that and Tom like leaned forward and was like, the what?

You fucking idiot. Tom's cockiness with this like, what? You can't understand? Calm down. You Googled 15 things and 14 of them were correct. Like, Chris, we're getting whooped this time. Country's for two. I feel like I'm only on the board once.

Sad pizza Place. What is Italy? Points. Oh. Keith controls the board. Let's do countries for three. Countries for 300. Fucking Ken Domingue.

Our favorite vegetable is cocaine. What is Columbia? Points. For what? 300. Oh, I gave Keith 200. For what? 300. 300. Oh, I gave Keith 200. Connor controls the board.

I'm going to go Wars for 400. Wars for 400. The biggest budget sequel. World War II. Points. What is The Empire Strikes Back? Different war Star

What is star? Wars for 500 Wars for 500 Sorry Oops, sorry Oh, okay Wrong God, bitch The Crusades

Points Yes Wrong God Wrong God, bitch. The Crusades. Points. Yes. Wrong God. Wrong God, bitch. All right. Connor controls the board. I'm going.

By the way, Connor's taking this way too seriously now. His whole posture is changed. Oh, yeah. No, I'm just. Look, I've gotten my ass kicked every single Tom Tomperdy, and I'm just like. All right. I hit myself in the head with a hammer to try to get down to his level. I'm getting back into it. All right. Let's turn on the stove, just get some gas in the room.

I'm going Famous People for $400. Famous People for $400. The Creepy Basketball Fairy. Who was Magic Johnson? No. Who was Donald Sterling? No. Answer was Jack Nicholson. What? Oh, damn it. That's really funny.

That is really, really funny. I was like, the Noid? All right. Famous people for 500. Famous people for 500. The Can't See Me guy. Who's John Cena? No. No, it's either Ray Charles or a guy in political exile.

I'm Ray Charles. Okay, it was either Ray Charles or a guy in political exile. I'm Ray Charles. Okay, it was David Copperfield. Oh, he's a magician. Oh, okay. He's famous. You idiot. You fuck. The tone of this is just so insulting.

Oh, it's so much fun. All right, you know what? I'm going countries for 400. Countries for 400. Our claim to fame is a kids movie. What is Madagascar? Points. Shit. Let's go

TV shows for four. TV shows for 400. Cooking is hard. What is chopped no I think I know what it is now what is hell's kitchen

no it is what is breaking bad oh fuck you fuck you. Fuck you, because that's so good, and I don't want it to be. I hate you. TV shows for five. All right, double topper-y. Let's do it on this one.

All right. You can wager. How much do I have? You have 400, 700, 900, 1,100. How much do you have? I have 1,400, shockingly. I'm going to wager to do $500. $500, okay.

And the hint is, I'm a doctor? Shit. What is house? No, I'm sorry, that's not what I meant to say. No, yeah, it is. What is house? Okay, that is wrong. It was, what is scrubs?

I mean, that's a pretty great description. Tom, these are really funny. That should be on the TiVo info. I'm a doctor? I'm a doctor? That's like the translation in other countries. Yeah. American fuckboy doctor number one?

American fuckboy doctor number one. We might have an episode title. Oh, no, it's for sure Serena Flytrap. Yeah, are we kidding? You lose 500, then? He does, yeah. Or do you lose 250? He loses 500.

He loses 500? All right. Okay. Now we're enforcing the rules all of a sudden. Oh, yeah, that's how the game is played, Kerry. Oh, bro. There's only one on the board. Yeah, so let's do that one.

All right. If you strum me, I'll make oil. Wait, say it again? If you strum me, I'll make oil. Wait, say it again? If you strum me, I'll make oil. Guitar? Points! Fuck! Blap! Blap! Blap!

Well done. I did not think you guys were going to get that. I was thinking, like, ukulele stand. Fucking bassburg. What is the current points? Alright so I have Alright so I have 900, 1200, 14 I've got 14

Keith has 4, 7, 9, 13 So yeah he's got 1300 So I'm only behind by 100 So we have to write down what our wagers are We do yeah You give us the category then we write down our wagers, and then you ask the question. And then you ask the question. So give us the category first.

The category is author. Interesting. I'm going to make my wager here. All right. I've got my wager. My wager is made. I'm putting the phone down. Don't I get to see your guys' wager?

No, no, no. You find out when we get our answers. We reveal it when we get it wrong and get mad at you. I love that Tom built the version of a game he has never watched. But I've watched it. I just didn't like it. I didn't pay attention. That'll show him.

So I don't get to see your guys' wager? No. We show them at the end, Tom. You'll find out in a minute, asshole. Tell us the question. Well, you guys can change it now. All right. No, we can't.

We put this shit down. All right. The hint is... I'm not David Copperfield. I'm not Can't See Me Man. You can't see me it now. No, we can't. We put this shit down. We got a sorcery. I'm not David Copperfield. You can't see me, man. All right. The hint is wrong color, wrong object, man. And this is an author.

I love that every, this is such a narrow reference, but every Tom Clue sounds like the name of a Mike Watt song. So it's wrong color, wrong object, man. Wait, what? It was just wrong color, wrong object? Man Wait, what? It was just wrong color, wrong object, man And it's an author Let me know when you have a guess Do, do, do, do, Well, you have to guess something. I suppose I will just come up with something.

Okay, I'll make my guess first. Who is Dr. Seuss? And then Cotter? Oscar Wilde. I don't know. The correct answer was, who is Dr. Seuss? Wow. Green eggs and ham, motherfucker.

Oh, shit. Okay. What did you wager? 700. 700 as well. Okay. Meaning meaning once again i am the tom topper i am retarded i also don't know if you realize that you could have also said dr seuss oh i didn't want to cheat that's not cheating people say the same thing well yeah i

guess whatever oh yeah because on the show you got to write it down that's true reveal it yeah which theoretically we could have done but we did not i was thinking about someone with like a name like red like buttons and i was like, that's a comedian. Well, I basically was like, okay, I'm sure Tom has read three books in his life. He's read a Chuck Bavonick book, The Instruction Manual to a Car He Does Not Own, and then what book did he read? The Anarchist Cook book. Yeah, what book did he read as a child before he gave up on the concept of animals? I know more about the concepts of animals than anyone here.

You get defensive about the strangest things. Tom knows a lot of animal facts. When I was a kid, we had to pass the wild animal park in San Diego. I like how you said that. Everyone knows my position on the number of zoos and the zoo density of San Diego. I went there so often

that apparently when they had a new tour guide who fucked up information, I would correct them. And all the tour guides knew me, and they fucking hated me. This is when I was like six. That is the 15th time you've told that story. First on the podcast, though. I don't even know if that's true. I'm not 100% sure if that's true.

Well, you know, if you're proud of something, let it fly. You know, it works for birds. It works for true. Well, you know, if you're proud of something, let it fly. You know, it works for birds. It works for stories. Well, all right, Tom. Let's get you some wings and let the show go to break. That was the closest comedy we've had ever. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I was trying to say I was proud of you for a second, but then you interrupted me to brag about your dumb game.

Well played, loser. We'll be right back. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast is back. It is time to close the show, as we always do, with a round of our favorite games. Which is the following. Oh, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast is back. It is time to close the show as we always do with a round of our favorite games. Which is the following. Aye, aye, aye. Damn it. No one's more disappointed than me that there should be double Tom Tomperty.

Quadruple Tom Tomperty. That could be its own podcast and I would listen every week. There's a couple people that just want me to do lightning round and Tom Tomperty. Yeah. Quadruple Tom Tomperty. That could be its own podcast, and I would listen every week. There's a couple people that just want me to do lightning round and Tom Tomperty as its own podcast. Yeah, we could absolutely do that. They're called all our fans. There's a new Tom Goss podcast in the works. And also, today's run of Witch of the Fong would be a little bit of a teaser episode

for the thematic elements that are going to make up this podcast. Witch of the Fong is not something the CIA did or tried to do? Some of these are like plots that didn't go through. CIA shit, you get it. Yeah. All right. A, planting a brightly colored exploding conch shell in Castro's favorite scuba diving spot.

I'm already in. B, giving Fidel Castro a wetsuit lined with deadly toxins. C, attempting to feed Fidel Castro a wetsuit lined with deadly toxins, C, attempting to feed Fidel Castro a poisoned milkshake, or D, putting explosives inside a dove meant to pose on Castro's shoulder during a speech. Three of these are real. My milkshake

brings all the boys to you. And they're like, you're a corrupt despot, and I'm like, you better get in line. My milkshake brings democracy to Cuba. My milkshake brings the citizens to the food lines. And they're like, can I have some grain? And we're like, we're out of grain. But we have this milkshake still.

Oh, man. I'm going to say B. How sure are we that these are not just more things Hunter Thompson did from last week? Or Pee Wee Herman on a bad day. Oh, you know, Pee Wee Herman when fucking destabilizing governments via nautical espionage. The idea of like,

you know what we're going to do? We're going to put a bomb... Today's secret word is sabotage! Just the idea of like, you know what we're going to do is we're going to put a bomb in a conch shell

in the bottom of the sea and he's going to swim by it. No, today's secret word is and then a cyanide pill is going to start to bubble. The chair has to fucking just black bag him and drag his corpse to get him out. Which of the following should not have the Benny Hill theme music behind it? I just hear these fucking Keystone Black Ops.

They get stupider. Do you have a guess, Keith? Yeah, I'll say the fucking milkshake. I'm saying B. All right, the fake one is D. Putting explosives inside a dove meant to pose on Castro's shoulder. I wanted that to be true more than I've ever wanted a thing. Oh, just to have his head blow up because of a dove. Yeah, he did pose with doves on his shoulder.

Yeah, the idea of a symbol of peace exploding a man's brain. Oh, I know. That should really be the cover art for this show, just the dove mid-fucking Zapruder film, head blowing off. All right. What's round two? What do we got? All righty.

A, lining Castro's shoes with a chemical meant to make his beard and pubic hair fall out. Holy fuck. What? B, spraying LSD with a crop dusting plane over a radio station where a fellow was doing an interview to cause an on-air freak out. Where who was doing an interview? Castro. Okay.

C, bribe middle schoolers with alcohol to spray paint anti-communist graffiti on the berlin wall or d secretly record jfk having sex while on lsd bro bro they're all good oh man hear him again man I would fuck the shit out of Kennedy on an acid trip. Dude, I mean, yeah, how cool would that be? That would be honestly probably the best. All right, your butthole leads to another dimension. I have seen the error of my ways, and I will... I'm going to cram it in into the left.

She's a brooder. I'm Adley Noah. Shoe chemical to make his beard and pubes fall out lst over the radio station bride middle schools with alcohol to paint anti-communist graffiti on the berlin wall and record jfk having sex one acid i'm gonna say ah it's so hard i'm gonna say the jfk acid one because i feel like that's a little too early for them to be fucking with acid in quite that way and i feel like those other ones are real so i'm gonna say d um well see the reason i thought that okay i just think that it would be kennedy involved because you're obsessed with him

but i do just lately i got a brothers by david talbot excellent they were fucking with acid in weird mind controlling ways a long time ago so i don't think that like part of me agrees with keith but i'm gonna say the berlin wall one just because i'm expecting that double misdirect but all of these are fucking great it is the berlin wall one oh man they did secretly tap jfk's bedroom while he his mistress uh got him to smoke three joints and take acid and apparently it made him feel a lot of some kind of way about peace that's insane fuck it all yeah i mean i think that's why he was one of our uh one of our coolest bro jfk rich dude jfk is actually probably this book is i'm pretty like oh this

dude was just like yeah i don't want everyone to fucking die over here i just want to fuck and party and fix everything. He's bringing peace. He must die. I feel like you can either be good at being the president or good at not cheating on your wife, but not both. Yeah. I think if we learned anything from history, it's that cheating on your wife makes you a genius. I think sex is mostly the vice of the smartest people.

Yeah, that's true. I think it's like sex and alcohol occasionally. There is brain food inside of the pussy. Wait, what? There is brain food inside of the pussy. It was a dumb riff I should not have repeated. I'm so mad at you. No, one more time.

Make it three. Bob Dylan. Points. Okay. You can't do that anymore. I'm doing it. Bob Dylan points okay you can't do that anymore I'm doing it you couldn't even really do it then

yeah fucking Chris Hard Arteries Chris Tardwick damn it there it is always buying Keith time for him to do the better version of the joke I did first

that is my place in life you were the fucking machine gunner to my sniper like yeah and I'm the drone now you just dance of the joke I did first. That is my place in life. You were the fucking machine gunner to my sniper. And I'm the drone. Now you just dance. Just continue. You're the bunker.

You're depleted uranium deposits in the topsoil. Round three, which is the following, is something the CIA did. Release hundreds of friendly golden retrievers with American flag collars into Vietnam to convince natives to cooperate with occupying troops. Aw, they were probably so hungry, so that worked out well for them. They ate those dogs. Poets. Hilarious.

Distributing Osama bin Laden dolls that had faces that peeled off into the devils to Afghani children. C. Dropping gigantic American condoms labeled medium into the USR to convince them that American men were well endowed. Or D. Create a porno starring a lookalike of the president of Indonesia? Okay, so

first of all, that condom one has to have happened. I know it's happened. I don't know if it happened in Russia. I've never believed anything so much. Yeah. What was D? D was create a porno starring a lookalike of the president of Indonesia.

A and B was the Osama dolls. A was the golden retrievers. And C was the condoms. I'm going to say... I'm going to say B, the Osama doll. See, I know for sure they did the condom thing. I don't know if they did it in Russia.

I don't know what our Beef with the Philippines would have been. So I'm going to say D. D, the Indonesia one? Yeah. The fake one is A. They did not release hundreds of friendly golden retrievers into Vietnam. I do like that you said Beef with the Philippines, which is not what Indonesia is. Well, I couldn't remember

what Pacific South Asia weird place we were talking about and that was all right well let's move on with racist tom goss yeah i'm not i'm not gone no i i can't see color on most shapes i'm not racist i'm terrible at running singapore malaysia the philippines are right by each other yeah no look at one i get it yeah the countries look very different bullet running. Singapore, Malaysia, the Philippines are right by each other. I get it. The countries look very different. Tom's rubbing the beard. He's charging it up. Run over to the phone.

A. Shut down access to the 23rd highest mountain in the world for 10 years because they lost a nuclear warhead in an avalanche. B. Trick Raul Castro into sleeping with a transvestite infected with the HIV virus. Holy shit. C. Surgically implanted recording

devices into cats to be released near the Russian embassy. Or D. Hired a young Saddam Hussein to assassinate the then Prime Minister of Iraq. Whoa. Hang on. These motherfuckers are running the show. I know some of these, but can you repeat them real quick?

Shut down access to the 23rd highest mountain in the world for 10 years because they lost a nuclear warhead in an avalanche, railroad Castro transvestite, surgically implanting hearing devices into cats, and hiring Saddam to kill the final prime minister of Iraq. Okay. I'm between two. I want to hear Tom's logic

I mean I don't want to give away the one That I know for sure is real I don't think B can possibly be true It seems a little too far fetched Which one was B? HIV These aren't something they necessarily did It's something they tried to do or planned to do

Even then that feels like the one that's the biggest But then again these are all insane. Well, the government did create AIDS. Yeah. They also did some bad things. I'm going to say C. I'm going to say C, the cat one. I was going to say C as well.

The fake one is B. Son of a bitch. The cat one is real. It got hit by a taxi before it could go inside. It spent so much money on it. It was called Acoustic Kitty. Mondays, right? taxi before it could go inside. You spent so much money on it. It was called Acoustic Kitty. Mondays, right?

Yeah, I knew D was real. Lasagna! Loves lasagna and hates fucking Russia. This has been one of my favorite Witch of the Fall wigs ever to make. Acoustic Kitty. Yeah, no, it's fucking super real. Number five, Witch of the Fall wig.

They then implanted the device into a dog known as Soundhound Alright guys, all real or all fake? A. Gave Kim Jong-il a leaking basketball full of gas meant to cause extreme paranoia B. Secretly dosed Olympic wrestlers with steroids during the Cold War C. Distributed

Vuvuzela horns to the crowd of a speech given by Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, or D, purposefully abandoned a malfunctioning nuclear bomb in Vietnam in an attempt to get the VC to blow themselves up. All fake. Okay. Wait, what was A again? A was gave Kim Jong-il a leaking basketball full of gas.

I feel like I heard about the Hugo Chavez thing, but I could be just imagining that. But I'm going to say all real just to mix it up. You know why I think it's all fake? Because why the fuck would you need the Korean dude to be more paranoid? That's true. Like, hey, that angry man with the nukes. The most paranoid man in the world.

Hey, let's give him gas to make him more paranoid. It could have been pre-nukes. I mean, we don't know. It's like, well, we have a great plan to annoy the Hulk. Yeah, I'm still going to say all real. All right, they are all fake. That's the game, everybody. This was a fun one. That was a fun one.

And Tom, you got a special announcement? Yeah, I mean, for the people listening, don't think it's dead. It's too difficult to fucking coordinate. I did love doing it, so thank you for the people listening to that. And I do have a new project coming out, and I'll make announcements on it. So thank you for people listening to that. And I do have that new project coming out. And I'll make announcements on it. So check me out on Facebook, Twitter, GossGoss6. I will also be doing

Setlist March 30th in Los Angeles. So please come to that. And then I will also be in San Diego the 28th with Connor? Yes, you will. Yes, yes, yes.

And then with Keith the 31st in Simi Valley? Yes. Cool. All right. Thank you. Cool. This weekend, I'll be headlining the comedy spot in Scottsdale, Arizona. Please come out to that and let me sleep on your couch because spring training is going on and hotels cost a million dollars.

On March 20th, I'll be at the Ha Ha Comedy Club in North Hollywood. March 22nd, I'll be at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. And then I'll be on the 28th. I'll be in fucking San Diego with Tom at the Thorn Street Brewery at 8 p.m. And on March 30th, I'll be doing a NACA showcase in St. Paul, Minnesota. And then that weekend, I'll be doing some spots at the House of Comedy in the Mall of America in Minnesota. Nice. Follow me on all the social medias and whatnot

at Keith Tells Jokes. Let's see what I got here. March 18th I will be headlining at Sorry. Fuck. My thing. Just cut this in post. March 18th I'll be headlining at the Salty Frog in San Diego with Rose Battle Zone Kim Congdon opening up for me.

March 22nd through the 26th I will be various places in San Jose, California with Rose Battle's own Kim Congdon opening up for me. March 22nd through the 26th, I will be various places in San Jose, California with Rose Battle champ Frank Castillo. April 20th, 420, I will be in Seattle, Washington at the Broadway Performance Hall doing the Gateway Show. It's a big-ass theater, and I'm going to be high as fuck. It's going to be a disaster.

Keith sucks at being high, so you need to go. It's going to be brutal. And also, pretty cool announcement. Keep your eyes out for MTV. There's going to be a show coming out called High Crimes, and you may see an appearance from a couple of Mean Boys on that show. How many Mean Boys are there?

A couple? Could that mean both Mean Boys? What we mean is not Tom, but... Although I will, on a separate note, say that I have to drive my sister's car from LA to Chicago Just as good of a plug So if you are one of those people Who are mad I didn't come to your town On the last time I was in the Midwest Get to work alright

Start sending Tom Tell me where you are Tell me how I can start up a venue there You got like two months I'm hitting up people I'll announce the places i get but if you're all mad because i ain't come to where you are and you didn't tell some fucking dude who books a show or a venue to be like hey just kind of funny and you didn't do that then you can go fuck yourself

america all right i love you america but but just just uh yeah no if you if all kidding aside if you want me to come to your area i will will just fucking... Yeah, just light a small bonfire. I'll follow the plumes of smoke. Yeah, it's like that Lord of the Rings thing where they signal each other. But stop giving me shit for not going to where you live. You need to back over a small rat inside of a pentagram while it's still alive. And then I will appear for three to five minutes. You don't put cars in pentagrams.

You draw a white chalk baphomet on the wall of an orphanage, and then you just slap half an Arby's beef and cheddar against it, and then I will walk through the wall like one of them teleport guys. If you throw a marmot successfully into the sun, I will come to your town and look for vegetarian options unsuccessfully and end up at Taco Bell. If you say my name backwards three times while looking in a mirror, your blood will turn into fire and then I'll do a tight 25 minutes.

Sogmot, Sogmot, Sogmot. Sogmot, Sogmot. Fuck everything. God is dead. Fuck everything. Sogmot rises. Sogmot, sworn enemy of Karnak. Lord of the moldy caverns

of Echo Park. Trade them all foul! Die, fungus prince! Okay, Karnak's from a different dimension. Leader of the Moldy Caverns! Sogmat is just from your local underground Los Angeles. Vote locally, everyone. Think globally, act yokely.

He's more of a farmer's market blood deity. I'll put blood in your turnips. All right, of a farmer's market blood deity. I'll put blood in your turnips. No GMO, no reading comprehension. No mercy. Don't forget, April 18th, live Mean Boys at Harvals in Long Beach. Very professional.

I got strippers there and shit. Fuck everything. God is dead.