Mean Boys - EP 52 - Possum Turducken (feat. Pat Barker)

Episode Date: March 21, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “60 Minutes”, “Ikea or Lovecraft”, “Toilet Baby” and a game of “Which of the Following” with fan fiction. Watch the new Burn Booth: youtu.be/J4RS0ErEc1k Follow our guest Pat Barker on Twitter: twitter.com/patbarkercomedy Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (http://eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys podcast. How you doing? Hey everybody. Thank you for checking out the show. We had Pat Barker in the studio this week. You don't know who Pat is but he's very funny. Yeah, exactly.

Very exciting news. We're doing a live Mean Boys at Harvell's in Long Beach. April 18th. We're going to be doing some Mean Boys at Harvell's in Long Beach. April 18th. We're going to be doing some Mean Boys shenanigans you know and love. There will also be stand-up involved and burlesque. There's going to be titties. Yep. Some of your favorite guests from throughout the years.

It'll be a whole fun extravaganza. Yeah. So definitely come check that out. We'll have tickets and lineup available soon. What else do we have? Oh, the show is sponsored, as always, by Don Carlos Taga Shop in La Jolla, California. The finest Mexican food money can buy in California. Just go to eataborito.com

for more information. And Keith Carey will be up in the Bay Area this weekend. That's right. I'm going to be in San Jose and a bunch of cities I can't pronounce around. San Jose with Rose Battle champion Frank Castillo and other person Dan Nolan. Come check those out. Go to my Twitter or Facebook

and you can find a flyer with all the info and details on that. A lot of free shows. Please come say hey. Yeah, and besides from that, please just, you know, if you haven't done so already, take a second to review the show on iTunes. Just takes a minute. Helps us out quite a bit. Tell your friends if you enjoyed, if you have any friends, if you do enjoy it. And other than that, we'll see

you on the other side of Death Grips. Hey, everybody. Arguing about what's in the Bible is like debating whether or not Hermione is black. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm a possum that ate a fatter possum. You possum turducken. New record, 30 seconds, episode title.

Possum turducken. You Russian nesting doll of vermin. We are joined by Pat Barker. Thanks for coming in tonight, buddy. Hey, guys. Thanks for having me. Yeah, man. You may know Pat from whatever and who cares

not with ranzu bedawi but you know just you nailed both of my credits whatever and who gives a fucking other apathetic shows that used to be on our network that doesn't exist anymore yeah that yeah that really uh that really takes no he wrote for fucking you know uh arby's presents uh the troop loops uh with Bill Engvall. And any Super Duper Thursday with that one guy from the Adam Carolla podcast. The fucking spray cheese variety hour. I wrote for HBO for like 20 minutes. That's my entire resume. From tiptoeing around transphobia on television very briefly.

That was a lot of transphobia to tiptoe around, too. And a very difficult frame to tiptoe around, too. And a very difficult frame to tiptoe with. Damn. Hey. Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Well, the floor is sinking

in that area where Pat lives, so. I worked so hard to not be transphobic on television and then Trump got elected and I could have just done it. It wouldn't have happened.

Oh, yeah. Nobody gave a fuck. Pat, it's open season on these motherfuckers, all right? We can get these ladyboys. The trick is, nobody actually watches television anymore. Right, yeah. I found out very quickly.

Yeah, our TV credit was like, cool, we got like seven people. No, I saw you get recognized in the airport. No, that was Hooper. Oh, yeah, no, you didn't get recognized. Yeah, no, I've gotten recognized much weirder places. I don't know if I've told this story on air, but I got recognized on Tinder by a gentleman who wanted to have a threesome with me and Connor. Yep. And, yeah, I just got a few dudes being like, hey, you're bisexual. That's cool. And I'm like, later.

I'm going to be real. If that dude had been hotter, I would have tried to persuade you. You got to be pretty ugly for Keith to not persuade me into a threesome. It just seemed like a lot of work. There's a lot of much lower bars that I've been pitched on. Hey, look, this guy's got most of his fingers and 70% of his teeth.

He's got his own couch. Well, speaking of low bars, I think we're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Hi, so topical. All righty. I'll take us away this week. Cool. I have not read these since I wrote them weeks ago.

Two 10-year-old Indiana children were told by their opponents to go back to Mexico after beating them in a robotics competition. After this, they told the robot to stop taking our daddy's jobs. A 10-year-old boy was killed after being trapped in a blizzard. When asked for comment, his mother said, quote, I know he liked making snow angels, but this is ridiculous. I like that you're starting us off with dead 10-year-olds. That makes me feel a lot better about what I have Oh sweet

A mean boys without dead kids Is like a hug without a squeeze Or a hug with like too hard of a squeeze A Tom Goss special I put the cat the wrong way Now there ain't no more cat A Texas woman was run over And killed by a train during a photo

shoot gone wrong police success police suspect drugs may be a factor since her entire body is covered in track marks i'm just shocked that that didn't turn into a my mom joke that is a that's some great executive work pat i got i have four more tries. Ah, fuck. I'm in there. Yeah, don't fucking count your chickens before they were terrible to you in your formative years. Aw. In a show of solidarity for the world's dwindling bee population, Honey Nut Cheerios is removing their longtime mascot, Buzz the Bee, from their

products packaging. In a related story, Raisin Bran has removed the smiling sun from theirs as we usher in a thousand years of darkness. Oh, you said I couldn't do nihilism in cereal? I'm sorry. I did not know that that bee's name was Buzz. Yeah, me neither.

That is some lazy work on behalf of General Mills. Yeah, yeah, get your shit together, 1950s carbohydrate peddlers. What are we saying here? An unarmed African-American man was gunned down by the police as he streamed the encounter on Facebook Live, or as it's known in the black community, Facebook Dead.

Oh, no. I'm not the bad guy here. Man, when people unearth this podcast, they're not going to know what to tweet about first. Oh, yeah. It's a race to see whose career was ruined by this first. I know, but isn't it worth it, guys?

We got too much money from a taco place one time. At least none of you were killed on Facebook Live. Look at the bright side. Yet. We still live with Tom and we all have phones. Give it time. After President Trump threatened to cut their funding,

donations for Meals on Wheels surged to 50 times their normal rate. The new money could provide meals for roughly 25,000 hungry citizens or a light appetizer for Keith Perry. Get AIDS. I started pointing at Keith because I could feel it. I didn't have headphones to throw off in disgust, which is what I usually do. Yeah, that's usually your move.

Yeah, when someone's about to make a Keith is fat joke, I get a weird pain in my knee, like an arthritis, like bones. Like a little lady who feels a storm coming. Yeah, exactly right. Here's the thing. I didn't want to do it, but I'm a guest in your house, and I feel like it's customary. I feel like it would have been rude to come in and not call Keith back.

Yeah, you slurp your soup when you visit Chinese people, and when you come to the bunker, you hurt Keith's feelings. There's a little thing called tradition, and frankly, I think it's gone the way of the dodo in Trump's America. I'm respectful, if nothing else. Anyway, here's a hacky joke about IKEA. IKEA India has announced a 26-week maternity leave program for their male and female employees. Advocacy groups are calling this a step in the right direction, but

still barely enough time for new parents to find their way back to check out. It's a really convoluted story, guys. Hey, it might not have been funny, but at least it was really long. Hey, man. Would you rather I'd done the one about... Alright, give me a read, though. Alright, I'll go again. Okay.

This one's... I got another cereal joke. U.S. soldiers were caught smuggling $12 million worth of meth inside cereal boxes in South Korea. In light of this, Cap'n Crunch has been dishonorably discharged. The contraband was stashed in a variety box of Honey Smack Your Gums around the side of a gas station, Rice Krispie Face, and Cinnamon Toast War Crimes. Good God. I know, yeah. It wasn't good either. Well, I guess I'll do this.

McDonald's Twitter account was hacked and tweeted criticisms of Donald Trump. While the identity of the hacker has not been established, Guantanamo Bay says they have detained and are currently interrogating their number one suspect, the Hamburglar. Alternative punchline, at press time, the grimace remains at large. Okay. Pat seems to be making some last-minute edits, calling an audible. Yeah, I'm calling an audible. A man drove 2,000 miles to the White House and falsely claimed to have a bomb in his vehicle.

For a real instance of a man going a long way only to bomb, check out Conor McSpadden. Yay! Oh, man, that was good stuff. Yeah, that was, I don't, you ever... You ever start doing something and you're like, what the fuck is the point? Yeah. I imagine my mother felt about six months into her pregnancy. And I really need to make more pudding.

Love you, Mom. She listens. A chunk of Earth's original crust has been discovered in Canada. The city of Newark replied, that's not original crust. The real original crust is on the corner of Broadway in the molten iron core of our world Won him back

Sidebar We just got back from New York Me and Pat did Officially say fuck your dumb pizza I gave it another shot I can't get on board Alright let's see Fukushima the Japanese city Rocked by a nuclear reactor meltdown, will play host to Olympic baseball in 2020.

Japan is excited to bring their team to the soon-to-be-built stadium, which includes players such as center fielder Godzilla Gutierrez, pitcher Mothra Ramirez, and all-star shortstop A-Rod of Plutonium. Slow clap for the A-Rod of Plutonium. Slow clap for the A-Rod closer. Oh, that's good. I liked it. It was a long road. Yeah. Really a better version of Cinnamon Toast War Crimes. Legendary musician Chuck Berry has passed away at the age of 90. To honor his friend, Elton John will be releasing a

slightly altered version of Candle in the Wind entitled Camera in the Women's Room. I said it on Facebook and I'll say it here. More like Chuck Buried. Oh. Solid. Take that guy down a peg. Have fun in hell, Chuck. You know, this is why everyone wants to

eat lunch with you at the office. You've got such a sparkling personality, Kerry. I mean, I have a pretty twisted sense of humor, okay? Doyoyoying fucking meme. By the way, I'll share this on the podcast because everyone needs to know how much i suck i did the the worst crowd work of my career a woman in the front row of my show was married to a man named jeff and i said oh you guys have kids and she was like yeah and i was like well i guess true what they say choosy moms choose jeff and then i i winked until i died i want to be mad at you but fucking i mean i was I have a joke in my head where I talk about fucking somebody in the crowd in the parking lot.

And without choosing to do this, I just said, cash me outside. How about that? And then the room fell apart, like fucking Solomon's Temple burning down. And I felt just the soul leave my body. Dude, my hacky joke didn't even work. Everyone was just like, fuck you. And I'm like, shut up. I'm great.

I think that circles around to making it good again i did about five minutes of they're like do you have kids and they're like what and they're like no i really needed to get that information because i was like oh i'm gonna say choosy moms choose jeff and i'm gonna look like a rock star can i tell you i'm an avid mean boys listener and a few episodes ago connor acted like he was above oh where's the beef pun and he's dropping fucking peanut butter commercial references on stage. Connor only remembers like four things, though, is the problem. I do.

I don't remember that at all. Well, you were busy being like negative 10 years old when it happened. Oh, Where's the Beef. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that. I meant that episode of Mean Boys. Oh, okay.

I guess I'm so fucked up when I do these things. It's all jacked up on Crystal Light. Just fuck me in front of the mic. Peanut butter based crowd work. Yeah, every once in a while I go to Target on the road and I'll just buy like 20 Crystal Lights at a time, 20 boxes of Crystal Light. And the person looks at me like, I don't know how you're making meth with this, but you're making like old lady fucking, you know.

It's not a problem, but it feels like a huge problem. The pharmacist makes you fill out a log with that much crystal light. You're going to need to scan your driver's license, Mr. McSpadden. By the way, the host brought me up that night at Choosing Moms,

Choose Jeff, as Kellen McFarland. And if that is not the name that I am using to buy porn from now on, then I don't know anything about myself and I don't want to be alive anymore.

A man has died while charging his iPhone in the bath. When paramedics arrived on the scene, they tried to put him in airplane mode until they got in the car, but the Uber driver didn't even have a USB port one star.

Oh, shit. Well done. In a press conference, Donald Trump noted that he and German Prime Minister Angela Merkel, who was also wiretapped by the Obama administration, had, quote, something in common. He then added, and maybe something else in common, while discreetly flashing a swastika and doing the eyebrow thing. You know, he actually ignored Angela Merkel's request

for a handshake, and after this diplomatic blunder, he attempted to make it up by saying, down low, but before giving in to his baser urges and saying, too slow, he then wiggily, wiggily, wiggily directed Tillerson and authorized a series of questionable drone strikes. That was a very detailed tag. It started off coherent and then just turned into like a tinfoil helmet explanation of fucking Tower 7.

I wrote a lot of this stuff at two in the morning in Arizona. Dehydrated, so. Take it home. A Nashville man has been added to the FBI's top ten most wanted list after disappearing with a 15-year-old girl. At a press conference, the FBI agent said, of course he's from Nashville. He's the only top 10 I see before high-fiving his partner and adding, no, but seriously, that girl is probably going to die. Oh. We start with dead kids and we end with dead kids.

My mom listens to every podcast I'm on. She is going to fucking hate this. Oh, she's really going to hate some of the other shit that's going to happen later. Oh, God. I thought you guys should have given Cinnamon Toast War Crimes a chance. You know what's funny? We were going to record the sketches with you here. We're going to wait and let you find out from your mom what's up.

Oh, I can't wait. She'll be like, I like the Jif material, but the rest of it. Well, this choosy mom does not choose Mean Boys. One star. Because my mom put Skippy in my grave. I get buried like an Egyptian pharaoh. I don't really know how the song goes. Mean Boys will be right back.

Welcome to 60 Minutes. I'm whatever old white guy hosts this show now. This week, we're delving into the seedy world of cartoon porn pop-ups. Many assume that these are just a humorous, if mildly unsettling, diversion from perusing your tube site of choice. But few know the grim working conditions of these animated actors. We caught up with some of the stars of these disturbing videos in between shoots. Bart Simpson, best known for his role as the rambunctious eldest child of the Simpson clan, has turned to pornography to support a growing drug problem.

So tell me, Bart, do you enjoy your work? Gotta fuck my mom every day, bro. What the fuck do you think? Of course. I see. You have any idea what it's like going back into the pussy you came out of? My life's a perfect circle and I want to wear it around my neck like a noose. That must be hard.

Oh, you want to talk about hard? Sometimes they make me fuck Homer. You have any idea how gacked up I've got to get to do that? Talk about having a cow, dude. But not all of these animated erotic stars are so dreary about their careers. Oh, PETA. Yeah, she never wanted to do anal,

but all of a sudden when there's 800 bucks on the line, I got a backstage pass. As they say in Quahog, giggity. Timeless characters are featured prominently in these ads, but some rising stars of the cartoon world have been roped in as well. Uh, yeah, I'm the Bob's Burgers guy. Our show is always touch and go when it comes to getting renewed,

so I do this on the side to make some extra money. Yesterday I had a threesome with Coach McGurk from Home Movies and Archer. Those dudes sound just like me. It's crazy. And some are simply struggling to support themselves after their shows have gone off the air. Hey, Dad, tell them to enter private chat if they want me to go full nude. I'm not playing games with these hoes. Bull!

What is Wile E. Coyote doing in this bathtub full of poop? Find out when we return. Welcome back to Mean Boys, everybody. We are playing a new round of our favorite game that we'll only play once, HP Lovecraft character or piece of IKEA furniture. Oh, I'm so excited. I like that we already prefaced this

with a shitty Ikea joke earlier. Yeah, no, here's what you gotta do with HP Lovecraft. You gotta play Minecraft on hard mode while you listen to those stories on audiobooks, and he's talking about monsters, and you get scared while you're looking at cubes. Yeah, I just wanted to go to the audience off air. I had to explain to Pat who HP Lovecraft was,

and with every word that came out of my mouth, I felt myself unfuck one person. I'm a negative 12 virgin. You shot a beam of lasers out of your eyes that just said, gay! I just grew a fedora. I had no idea what any of it meant, but I sleep on

Ikea furniture exclusively, so I think I'll be alright. Alright, so the first one, Gronkula. Oh, shit. This is like the name of the chick that would fuck Keith at the gathering of the Juggalos. You mean

another Juggalo? I forgot you already fucked a Juggalo. You lost your virginity to a Juggalo, right? Yeah, I fucked one confessing Juggalo. Shut the fuck up! Like one out juggalo, right? Yeah, I fucked one juggalo, like one confessing juggalo. Shut the fuck up! Like one out juggalo. I feel like there's a couple closeted ones. Did she have the face paint on when you did it? Uh, no, she had it

afterwards. Alright, take it off, you guys. Oh, yeah, just fucking... Juicy Keith's juice juice. You know, there's like juggalos that fall and have the swastika tattoo and they're like, no, we're all right. Like, no, you're juggalos. Well, I found out after the fact that she was a juggalo

and I was just like, eh. Like, I don't know. I can't take it back. Yeah, you can't go vacuum the Jizz out of her. I mean, I feel like maybe you learn how magnets work. You could dust bust it. Gronkula. Let's make some choices, could dust bust it. Gronkula. Gronkula. Let's make some choices, fellas.

I got to say Gronkula is a piece of Ikea furniture. Okay. Gronkula sounds like Rob Gronkowski's evil character in an all-football remake of Space Jam. But if these are my two choices, I am going to go with H.P. Lovecraft. Is that what it's called? Yeah, I'll go with that. The correct answer is IKEA Furniture. That is a tasteful duvet cover.

I'll go with JP. I didn't get pussy in high school, a puss or whatever. I'll go with fuck shit, I'm a faggot virgin. All right. Number two, Mormo. Mormo. Sounds like when a Mormon guy goes on his live stream sex cam account. He's like, all right, yeah.

You know, when I'm here, I'm Mormo. Sounds like what the one gay Mormon calls himself. Mormo. Okay. Fuck. You know what? This one sounds more Ikea to me, which leads me to believe it's Lovecraft. Are there weird dots above the O's? That is an excellent question.

There are not weird O's. Or weird dots, I mean. Then I'm also going to go with Lovecraft character. The correct answer is H.P. Lovecraft character. Mormo is the god of the thousand-faced moon. The thousand-faced moon. Number three. Okay, Alex

Tra-fucking-idiot-back. Shut up. Really, the best you can do is Alex Tra-idiot-back. Don't act like that was a thing. I don't know, man. I just wanted to call you dumb. Fuck you, idiot. Number three. Sometimes you're so dumb it defies words. Fuck you, asshole. Number three. Gog-whore.

This is something Mark Malloy shouted after a pint of Guinness. Gog Whore. Yeah, Gog Whore. It's fucking Irish. And they're like, no, it's not.

He's like, whatever it's St. Patrick's Day, I'll stab you with a screwdriver. Yeah, it's Gaelic for give me your car keys and don't ask any questions. Yeah, it's Gaelic for go look at gay.

Oh, yeah, Connors is a lazy rider. Gaelic for go look at gay. No, Mark Malloy is a lazy rider Gay life Go look at gay No Mark Malloy Is a lazy rider Hey would you say That you're a bisexual Cause you got a bi-sex Keith

Ugh that's good enough To get you a Fucking overly popular sitcom Alright Got cancelled immediately Wait No no no The other one

The one that's still on Oh okay Yeah Alright well do we have Any other bridges to burn Or do we want to guess Oh no hey I'm a big fan of Whatever Fucking Nikki Glaser or whoever that is.

Fucking bootleg Eliza? No, that's what I called Jessamyn Peluso that one time. She's very nice. Shitty Eliza. Yeah. Well, yeah. We just call every female comic shitty Eliza. I mean, it's just an easy one.

With slams, you got your bucket of fucking all purpose, one size fits all.purpose, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One size fits all. And then you really start taking measurements and hemming up a really hurtful thing to say if you got some more time. Yeah, I'll tell you, Taylor. Shitty Eliza's pretty hurtful. Yeah. Because she's already so shitty. I forget what the thing was. What was it?

Oh, God Whore. God Whore. What do you think? God Whore. This sounds Germanic. And I don't know why I'm acting like I know etymology. Fucking Lovecraft, I guess. In an effort to even the

score, I am going to go with IKEA Furniture. The correct answer is Lovecraft. Gagur is the eater of the insane. Alright. The eater of the insane. Number four, God is scum. God is scum? God is scum? God is scum.

By the way, the God who knew the name for Tom's girlfriend. Am I right, everybody? She's eating the crazy guy, I tell you. Oh, no. She's blowing him in the basement. Yeah, finger popped her at the Mountains of Madness. It was pretty cool. Yeah, once you go black mold, you never go back to the fucking...

I don't know. Didn't need to finish it. We got it. Update for those who are not caught up on the Mean Boys canon. There's black mold in Tom's basement. I like how I'm saying canon like he's a fictional character. There are still people... I met somebody in New York who was a comic who also knew Mean Boys,

and they legitimately think Tom is made up. Oh, yeah. Well, my cousin Marty who listens was like, I need to meet this Tom Goss fellow. I have some questions for him. I think you are fucking with me. The thing is, we're downplaying Tom, if anything. Oh, yeah. Well, no, he said the other day, I was really honored and also offended that I was the only real person at the fictional character picnic party.

And he didn't even get to play himself? No, yeah. Okay. Goddess Scum. Goddess Scum, that's the name? Mm-hmm. Just Goddess Scum. Goddess Scum.

Ooh, I mean, that sounds like the God-O-Scum with an apostrophe in there. I'll give you the spelling for the sake of fairness. It's G-O-D-I-S space S-K-U-M. That's Ikea. i'm feeling ikea i want it to be ikea just so at the end of the the commercial they can in unison go fuck everything god is scum uh so yeah i would like that to be true i'll go ikea the great answer is ikea that is marshmallow candy available from ikea oh what Kind of an aggressive name that nobody stopped. All right, we'll do... Yeah, some of these things don't translate super well.

You know, you get a weird Chinese description sometimes. Yeah. We'll do two more. Sunshine anus. This one, let's do... Janango. Hmm. Yeah, that's...

Janango. I got a concussion. My Janango got unchained. I'm never buying a chandelier from a place where people are going to furnish their college dormitories again. Oh, I'm back. Janango. That's Lovecraft. That's like a weird tentacle cowboy.

No, that is 100% Ikea. That is 100% Lovecraft, motherfucker. Janango is the lobster of the deep. I figured if I said it confidently enough... I know, I did like Kira. It might play. Just watching Pat being disgusted by these Magic the Gathering card descriptions is priceless. It's very upsetting.

Because he's just like, dude, I'm into pretzels and touchdowns, and this is 100% not... All right, I lied. There's two more alright Gleef Gleef please tell me there's the monster that eats the cast of Glee we're gonna take down that show that's been off the air for five years has it really? yeah dude I do not

fall I do not know about popular culture at all fair enough what did I do the other day that was so fucking stupid you'll have to be much more specific i'm pretty i'm pretty sure it was like i i fucking made like a lady burt johnson reference at an mtv2 shoot and i'm like what what do i what do i think that yeah the same thing we were working on i pulled that shit where i made some reference to like fucking nixon they just all glazed over i'm like oh right i, right. I'm dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, God, I'm fucking 45 years old.

Gleath. That was a great humble brag about being on MTV2, by the way, as I was sitting home and watching television. We talked about it last week. We're a big deal, Pat. All right. I think we bleeped it out last week. Oh, no, we didn't.

I said I was going to. Well, it's on like three weeks. Nobody listens to this podcast. And nobody watches MTV2. Oh, come on. Nobody listens to this podcast. And nobody watches MTV2. Oh, come on. Not after we're on. We're going to... They're going to be like,

impossibly, we went lower than zero. We got demoted to MTV3. Yeah, those Nielsen families all killed themselves. They all got bemoed. Yeah, they put on matching Bazinga t-shirts and drank some magic Kool-Aid full of like whatever was left of blended scripts from that show that

Pat was briefly working for. Yeah, I'm gonna ride any given comet off of this earth with my family. I'm just flattered you thought we had scripts. Clearly with all the fucking dialogue Hey, you guys are on drugs

and you're bad writers i tell you that's what's okay this is still the best review the show's ever gotten yeah thank you it's like oh somebody watched it hey man i pretended to watch it to be supportive i watched i watched that one clip with ben affleck getting really angry for no reason that was the highlight of our show that was episode one that's a bad move when ben affleck's your highlight that's always the tragic thing about short-lived show because like adam carolla had a talk show on comedy central and everyone's just like oh that's when the tragic thing about a short-lived show because Adam Carolla had a talk show on Comedy Central and everyone was just like, oh, that's when Steve-O came on and shit on the couch. And they're like,

yeah. And so many people wrote shit and produced and were like, this is really going to be a great show. And it's like, oh yeah, Steve-O's butthole kind of took over. I just like that when the Mean Boys TV show gets one season on IFC, it's going to be like, oh yeah, isn't that weird show where Kesha burned

her asshole trying to do some hula hoop challenge? Yeah, it's where that weird dude Tom just stabbed the guy from Death Creeps. I was trying to shake his hand with a knife. I thought it was the customary Stockton greeting.

Sacktown, representing. All right. Bottomless pit, bitches. Yeah. What were we talking about? Gleeth. Fucking Lovecraft. Ikea. Lovecraft. I we talking about? Gleath. Fucking Lovecraft. Ikea. Lovecraft.

I don't like this game at all. Have I gotten one wrong? No, you've gotten them all right. Gleath is the blind god of the moon. And last but not least, Faggot. I'm sorry? Faggot. Spelling? One more time. F-A-G-G-O-T. Country of origin.

Faggotstan. That's the guy that tweets those weird sexual rape threats that is really into this show. Are you thinking of Faggot Dave? Okay, can you use it in a sentence? You're a faggot. Okay. All right. Going to get the pronunciation. faggot. Okay. All right. Can I get the pronunciation?

Faggot. Can I get it without the shitty Cockney accent inflection at the end? Faggot? I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm just trying to get you to call me gay pejorative words, Kerry. You know what? I'm going to go. Lovecraft, even for saying scum

in the name of their fucking marshmallow treat, I gotta figure there's someone high up enough in that PR department that's like, we can't let the F word out here on these streets. I mean, you know, Ikea's crawling with social justice warriors, for sure. Everyone that buys a fucking

spoople to write their think pieces on is not going to be like, stop normalizing Swedishization of homophobic... Spoople to write their think pieces on is not going to be like, stop normalizing Swedishization of homophobic... Spoople justice for you. I gotta say that's Lovecraft. Okay. Okay, I have two schools of thought. Number one, I feel like if it was an Ikea item, that meme would have been shared

150 million times by now, and I would have seen it. Okay. But number two, I can also see a faggot at Ikea being like a beanbag chair that's fashioned to look like Keith Carey. So I'm going to go Ikea. The correct answer is Ikea. It is a decorative bundle of sticks to spice up your den.

Oh, it was literally. That's literally like what it is. Yeah. I mean, it's. Yeah. But again, somebody wrote like they printed faggot on a bunch of signs that are just in Ikea's now. Wow, dude. I mean, props for leaning into it on the one hand, you know.

Yeah, well, you should lean into a faggot. Or back into him. All right. Well, this got weird. Mean Boys will be back. Socket to me? Hey, thanks for taking the time to see me, Mr. Collins. Oh, please. Mr. Collins is my father. Call me Glenn.

Well, hopefully soon I can call you boss, huh? Well, you've certainly got the pedigree to work here. You come highly recommended from Hank over at Goldman Sachs. He says you're a real up-and-comer, and he's always had a good eye for talent. Plus, us Harvard boys have to stick together, right? Yes, sir. Is that old Coot Burroughs still teaching there? Oh, sure is.

Unbelievable. I swear, when I was your age, that man was 100 years old if he was a day. Meanest professor I ever had. And I'll tell you, he hasn't gotten any nicer with age. Well, I could do this all day, but let's get down to business. So, real quickly, just run me through your resume. Of course, Mr. Co- I mean, Glenn. Thatta boy.

Absolutely. Graduated Harvard in 2012. October of 2012 to May 2013, I was in the mailroom at Merrill Lynch. Then I got bumped up to junior trader. I was there until August of 2015. August of 2015 to January 2016, I was freelancing as a toilet baby. And then I got hired on full-time at Goldman Sachs. Huh.

I'm sorry. Can you go back real quick? Oh, Merrill Lynch days? No, no, no. After that, the freelancing part. Oh, yes. I needed a few months to find myself. Didn't want to burn out early.

You know, finance, very stressful. Yeah, of course, of course. Now, you said you worked as a toilet baby. That's correct, yes. Is that like a plumber or something? I'm not familiar. No, no, sir. No Harvard boy is going to be caught dead working pipes.

So explain to me exactly what is a toilet baby? I worked for, you you know dozens of different clients mostly males between 40 and 70 years old i handled basic sexual administration duties cum lamping butt stuffing piss dribbling pretty standard stuff for the most part some clients would ask me to wear a diaper but i usually got a bonus for that and uh just to clarify for our records you would go to the bathroom in that diaper? No, no, no, no, that's ridiculous. Usually they would piss and or shit in the diaper first, and then I'd wear it. They'd call it the Swedish marinade, I believe.

And, uh, you know, not great with the technical terminology. It was just kind of a summer gig. Hey, Glenn, got a second? Oh, just in the middle of an interview, Johnson. Oh, sorry to interrupt. Just needed to get your okay on the Tokyo transfer. Hey, I know you, right? Uh, you look familiar, but I can't quite place it.

Sorry. Were you on the lacrosse team at Yale? Can't say I was. Did you ever ski out in Aspen? My family does winters out there. No, no, not that. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I got it.

Did you and three other guys in Italian opera masks come in a baby bottle, make me drink it while you put clothespins on my taint? Yes, that's what it is. You're the toilet baby. Man, you were great. You had that little bib on and everything. What did the bib say? Daddy's little stinker.

Daddy's little stinker. Ah, that's right. Man, small world. Well, I'll let you get back to it. Hope you got a towel, Glenn. From what I remember, this toilet baby's a real messy eater. All right. We have fun here.

I'll get back to you later. So, yeah, I think we're just getting into my time at Goldman Sachs, where I... Stop! Just stop, young man. In all my years, I have never heard something so utterly, preposterously disgraceful. You're an embarrassment to our entire profession. I beg your pardon, sir. I know my past is a little unconventional.

Unconventional? Take a look at this! Why? Why that necklace? That's the golden pacifier. That means... That's right. I'm a member of the HTBS, the Harvard Toilet Baby Society. A founding member, in point of fact. You might not know my name, but you know my works. Tell me, do the boys still tell the story about the first dirty little baby boy to eat an entire can of SpaghettiOs out of a Japanese businessman's rectum?

Your little baby Beefaroni? We thought that was just a myth. Oh, I'm afraid little baby Beefaroni is as real as it gets, and he stands before you today. And tell me, Drew, what is the first vow taken on the holy document of the toilet baby order? Oh, that's easy. Never divulge the identity of a client. And yet you did just that! Oh, I mean easy. Never divulge the identity of a client. And yet you did just that! Oh, I mean, no, Johnson...

As God is my witness, you will never self-felch in this town again. Now turn in your badge, your ID, and any loose sundries you're currently carrying in your anus, and then you get the hell out of my office. Oh. And Drew? Uh, yes, Mr. Collins? You really are a

little stinker. Sha-na-na-na-na-na, mean, mean. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns, and it is time to close out the show, as we always do with a round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following. Woo-hoo! Yay!

This is a game that I've made. Guys, if you have any fan-submitted ideas for which of the following games, we always love to have them. We haven't had one in a while, and they're fucking great. And obviously, when you guys get tired of talking about the same three things that me and Keith know about, this week is fun. I asked Pat Barker's favorite TV show, so we can get into this. This is which of the following is not a real fan fiction.

All right, I've got kind of a variety pack, different shows, different vibes here. So we're going to start with Modern Family because apparently Pat is a 43-year-old white woman. It's a good show. It's not. Yeah, coming from the guys who know every character in

H.P. Lovecraft. Well, fuck me for I work on a television show that's still on, so what do I know about TV? How come you have seven roommates in a two-bedroom house? Fair points on both sides of the aisle. Now you know somebody lives in the basement. Counts. Hey, one of these used to be a garage, thank you very much.

We've converted it, and that's where the black guy lives. All right, so Modern Family was just as long as Nighty Real. Alex's nerd powers versus the demon. Modern Family spankings. I know where you live. Or Cam and Mitch in Cum and Bitch. Okay. I need that second one to not exist.

The spanking one. Yeah. Modern Family spankings. And what bums me out is I'm pretty sure it does. These are courtesy of whatever the first thing that comes up on Google when you search for fanfiction.com. Okay. Can you run me... What was three again?

I Know Where You Live. Jesus, that's upsetting. I think that's definitely real because it's so vague. I don't think you would put it in there otherwise. Gosh, I am going to say... I'm going to say D. Cam and Mitch and Come and Bitch. That seems a little hardcore for the Modern Family fan base. I was thinking the same thing.

You haven't perused fanfiction.net. I don't need to. It seems like something that you would write because it's more clever than the other three. So in a weird way, that's a compliment for you. But I don't want to i don't want to answer the same as him so i will i will just go with i know where you live the fake one is cam and mitch and coming bitch because those are the only two names of characters i remembered and couldn't be bothered to google uh next round door the only gay couple who just does

nothing but hug because fucking disney does not want to put gay kids on tv it's so funny uh man yeah what that's shit like that i'm like oh look how cool we are like no it's like show them fucking doing shit like in a in a bush all right they literally like let them get married and adopt a kid and they just always like hug like bros fucking leave it a football game together like well yeah and like you know because like joe six-pack is fine with like these well-groomed homos but like as soon as he sees him start playing a little tonsil hockey he just turns on regular hockey because he has a

fourth grade education Dora the Explorer three of these are real by the way oh god no Dora's diarrhea problem fuck out of my house swipers tinder adventures alright well that's pretty great Dora versus the midnight man

or Dora gets decapitated. Okay. First of all, the Midnight Man is probably just a black guy. Tom, for sure. Oh, God, what did Tom... Oh, I remember what this is. I'll say what it is, but you've got to put the Jamar button in. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Please do not forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, well, it kind of works because it's a historical concept. Apparently, Connor was talking to Tom about Huckleberry Finn and was trying to remember the name of the character, Jim, and decided to go with,

yeah, what's his name? Midnight Bill? No, Nighttime Bill. Nighttime Bill. Oh, God. That was the hardest I've ever laughed. All right, read these one more time. Dora's diarrhea problem.

Don't read them sexy. Swiper's Tinder adventures. All right, read them sexier. Dora versus the Midnight Man. What do you think sexy is? Dora gets decapitated. Oh, you figured it out. I'm going to say Dora's decapitated. Oh, you figured it out. I'm going to say Dora's Diarrhea Adventure.

I'm going with Dora's Tinder swiping thing. Pat, you're not taking these games very seriously. I've got to tell you. I'm taking it. You asked the question ten minutes ago and then went on a Tom Goss run. It's called riffing. It's what funny comedians do. Yeah.

It's a podcast, not a Philly cheesesteakak you can't get angry that it's not coming fast enough oh i can and will we're shooting we're shooting a little whiz in here pat all right trying to fucking harden up some of our listeners ear dumbs for tomorrow morning with some audible goodness uh the fake one is uh i don't know well you got it right it's the tinder one is nice thank. With the cheesesteak thing, it feels oddly personal now. I'm really upset about this. I just meant to imply that you're fat and you want sandwiches quickly. I didn't even think about how personal of a sandwich it was. It means a lot to me.

We've been through a lot. That's your 9-11 is your cheesesteak dumps? They fell just as quickly? Yep. Taurus leave. Okay. Star Trek, the original series. Okay.

A, The Captain's Log. B, Spirk XXX Limericks. C, A Logical Love. Or D, My Master Sulu. Huh. Thoughts? Nothing jumps out at me I don't know

Did you say Spirk or did you just missay Spock? I said Spirk I don't know if Spirk is a thing or not because I didn't watch Star Trek I'll say that that is the popular Fan shipping Thing where they Spock and Kirk to fuck Also an ill advised Andy Dick bit

On the rest of William Shatner where he said he was their illegitimate love child named Cock. And that was pretty much the whole joke. And he had a Vulcan costume and bombed real bad. Well, let's not besmirch the good name of Andy Dick on this show. He's landed on his feet since then, so. Hey. He laid that on Connor's dick.

You tried to. I'm going to say... Fuck. I think the Captain's log i feel like nah yeah i'm gonna say captain's log what was a it was the captain's law and c c was a logical love uh i'm gonna go a logical love c the fake one is a the captain's log you know i can't resist an easy pun when i'm writing these yeah that kind of thought. Yeah. Is that a real thing where you combine, if you want Spock and Kirk to fuck, you get Spock? Yeah. It's like, you know, a popular shorthand in the fan fiction community. You know, like, like, Bennifer or like, like those types of things.

They do that with, like, fictional characters that they want to see fuck. Oh. Yeah. You know, the Lovecraftian god of darkness, Morthron? Anyway, I mean, it's similar to how people think that he should be with Gorthrax. I mean, people do Morthrax, and then, you know, they... I have the urge to go buy some furniture. Yeah, the spark is a very comfortable stool that will accommodate even the heftiest of bats.

I think it's also what Pat uses to eat his cheesesteaks. Pat is shaped like a comfortable stool. I'm losing precious meat tendrils through the fucking prongs of his fork. I need a little bit more scooping mechanism. Leave the fucking cheesesteak out of it. I can take the shots. This is the angriest we've ever made a guest. Yeah.

Pat is whether Lord knows how many unspeakable jokes about his family's personal tragedies in the rice paddle. But how dare you talk about. Look, when you have some of that fresh Italian bread right out the oven... The bread's not the same out here. We all have a line, and you guys are over the line. At least the bread made it out the oven. There it is.

You already lost. Come on. I was like, we're going to make it through a whole episode and not do one. You know what? You tried. I'm proud. I'm a bad guy it through a whole episode and not do one. You know what? You tried. I'm proud. I'm a bad guy, and I don't feel good about it. As long as you know.

Yeah. Okay. Spongebob. A. Patrick discovers pegging. B. Spongebob and Gary get it on. C. Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? I'm just picturing that in Daniel Plainview's voice. Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?

We're getting it on. Your Krusty Burger reference. Krusty Burger is from The Simpsons. Yeah. Krabby Patty. Krabby, yeah. Krusty Krab. Anyway, drink that up.

Yes, you get it. Well, it was a long swim. And finally, D, Sandy gives some tree dome. Really, really just bummed that I have to accept that this is a world we live in. Yeah, some of these people can drive. You know, these people... Are you feeling it now? They get the same amount of a vote as you do. Yeah, some of these people can drive. You know, these people... Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? They get the same amount of a vote as you do.

Yeah, yeah. Except for the guy that wrote, Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? He's probably a felon. There's gonna be. Um, shit. Fell on that Krabby dick. All right.

I think Patrick discovers pegging is real. It's gotta be. Oh, yeah, because you're so good at this game. Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? It's too specific. I don't think you would have come up with that. I'm going to say tree down. Really insulting my knowledge of the SpongeBob canon.

I'm not saying you don't know it. I'm saying that's not even specific. It's just a bizarre way to phrase a sodomy reference to a fictional crab. How do you know it's sodomy? Not that there's a great one, but... I'm gonna say D. Sandy, treedom. For a guy who

shit on a show with, like, nine Emmys, you're very knowledgeable about Spongebob Squarepants, so that's impressive. You're defensive about Philly Cheeseneaks and Modern Family. It's a good show. I feel like I walked into an ambusher. I didn't think you were ready to be a dad, but you're one pair of cargo shorts away from being the most dad you can be. All right?

This is gotcha journalism. Hey, look, Jersey Mike's does a disservice to the fine artistry that goes on on 38th Street in Philly. Fucking Cam and Mitch, while they are not a perfect representation of gay love, are a step in the right direction. And you know what? Sometimes I need to carry a multi-tool when I go to Walgreens. All right?

The problem I have with Modern... Sorry, we're going into this. The problem I have with Modern Family is that for every good thing, there is something so much worse. Okay. I like it. I like, what's his fuck, Ty Burrell?

That dude is really funny. And then anything involving that fat Mexican child, that kid should be killed. No, no, no. It's clever because he doesn't act like a fat Mexican. He is apocalypticly unfunny. Yeah. Although I will say, a couple years ago, I was at Comic-Con, and I was walking down the street in San Diego. And he was, like, there filming some, like, just sort of, like, interview thing or something.

And every car just kept driving by and yelling like, fucking Motor Family, dude. And he just looks so tired. And I kind of felt bad for him. And then I remembered how bad he is at stuff. I think it's like a perfectly written show and acted. I just don't know. It's not for me.

I think it's good. I don't hate it. He's probably tired in general also because he's just built like you. Yeah, that's true. He looks like non-Twitchy you. Yeah, that's fair. You guys should know why people that look like you are tired. Yeah, we live in this world.

I was going to say, what are you saying? You, motherfucker. He's not the enemy. He's an ally. Why are we shitting on this kid? You guys go on podcasts with the smarmy little children that talk like child actors ordering room service. All right?

You guys are beholden to a fucking tiny dictator, and his name is me. Now guess about SpongeBob. The thing about sodomizing a crab. That's the one I'm going with. It sounded like you were about to explain it. Final answer. This show is so funny, Rebecca, because great joke writing abhors whimsy.

It felt like you were going to be like, the thing about sodomizing a crab, you got to bring your own melted butter. They don't provide it. They're shellfish lovers. That was a perfect joke. That was very good. That was very good. All right. It is Sandy gives some tree dome.

Another lazy pun. That's how you know. I'm bad at writing these, and I haven't cared for a long time. Let's be honest. They're just an excuse to find a Fat Choke Avenue and stroll down it until we get tired. That's how you get a custom-made burrito in San Diego. Fat Choke Avenue. A lot of benches.

All right. And the final round. All real or all fake. This is Scooby-Dooby-Doo. Where art thou? A. A new meaning of the word zoinks. B. Girl in the coffin. C. Orange ascots and their many uses. D weird Velma fetish on the show before?

I mean, no, but you should. I have a very strange sexual attraction to Velma from Scooby-Doo. I don't know if that's strange. She's pretty hot. She's great. Something about big titties inside of a sweater is just good. Yeah, it's like I know they're in there, but they're hiding. And especially when they're apt to jostle around.

When they're real firm, you're like, I don't know. But when there's sweater jiggle, you're like, oh, wow. Yeah, it's why I've dated a lot of just sort of husky, lesbian-adjacent-looking women. Yeah. I thought you'd be a Fred man, so this is a pleasant surprise. I mean, it's whatever. I feel like Fred wouldn't call you back. I feel like I'd date...

I'd fuck Fred, I'd date Velma. Fuck Shaggy. Fuck most of the Scooby-Doo crew. Not Scrappy, fuck Scrappy. I wouldn't fuck Scooby, but I'd fuck Scrappy. He seems like... I don't know. Just to punish him? Just put him on there and spin him?

Yeah, the short round of cartoon mysteries. Yeah, he's pretty bad. I'm going to say all real. I agree. Those are all real. They're all real, gentlemen. We did it. You did it, guys.

We fucking, you know who won the game? It doesn't matter. That's true. Not goodness. I lost. I was keeping score. I lost both games. Not goodness. I lost. I was keeping score. I lost both games. I'm really fucking angry. I came in here,

I got my TV show made fun of, I got my favorite fucking dinner made fun of, and I lost every game. So, thanks for having me, guys. This was a blast. Hey, guys. We got some questions from the Mean Boys mailbag. Hey, at Mean Boys Podcast, have you ever been to Australia? If you came here, which of our continent's creatures would you like to do battle with?

I feel like the fact that we're still calling Australia a continent, if Pluto's not a planet, you guys are a fucking island, all right? You're barely on Earth. You guys are a prison colony that got out of hand. Yeah. Would you like to know what this podcast is? You're basically like if that black mold in Tom's basement just turned it into a fucking weird sleeper cell, like bioterrorism.

Hey, you know fungus? What if it had a president? That is where you survive the nuclear holocaust. I was looking into it. Yeah, yeah. Because I feel like the northern hemisphere gets pretty fucked, but I'm like, who's got beef with Australia? Yeah, and I feel like nobody's really nuking like South America or Africa. Yeah.

It's just so far away. Nobody's going to go to war with them I saw a few months ago a viral video Where a kangaroo stole this guy's dog And then the guy Ran up on the kangaroo And he let go of the dog And they just squared up

And the guy fucking punched the kangaroo in the face And the kangaroo just stood there and stared at him And he ran away You want the kangaroo to pull a knife out of the pouch? I was expecting it. It's on now. I don't know. What animal would I fight in Australia?

I would fight a kangaroo just because it seems hilarious. I'd fight a koala. Like, if I got my shit slapped by a kangaroo, I mean, I'll lick my wounds tomorrow. That video's going viral, all right? I'm licensing that shit to Tosh.0, all those fucking shows. I'd fight a koala because I feel like maybe it would become my friend afterwards. Like some Dragon Ball Z villain? Yeah.

Also, did you know that every koala has syphilis? That's the true thing. That's not a joke. They all have fucking crazy STDs, and it has something to do with their blood. So I'd befriend the koala, and then I'd make them fuck people I don't like. Okay. You know you can just become a biological terrorist. You can just find a hobo and have him make you a super soaker full of AIDS blood.

Yeah, but I also want a pet. Which of the following fan fictions is not true? A, Keith fucks his enemies with a koala. I thought you said fiction. This is future facts. This is happening. Someone write us a Mean Boys slash fiction where we fuck. People have threatened it and then never done it.

Yeah, Pat, what animal would you fight? Kangaroo. Kangaroo, okay. I feel like it's the most even fight. They stand up straight. It's aesthetically pleasing. I don't want an even fight. I don't know where you guys are bringing this fucking honor into this.

I want something I can kill easily. Well, no, I'm just... I just want the cutest animal that's going to die. Well, like, if I fight a koala, I can kill a koala in 30 seconds, and then I have the rest of the day to hang out in Australia. You guys are going to be busy with that kangaroo for a fucking while.

Oh, a koala would fuck you up, bro. It's fucking this big. A koala would kill you. I'm just picturing Keith like twisting its neck and just going, shh. Yeah, it's small.

I can kill a toddler. You might win, but you'd still end up with a syphilis somehow. I mean, I'm not going to knock and fuck the corpse. Yeah, and then you're going to pick eucalyptus leaves off your hamburger and just get right to the, I don't know, whatever. You're fat. somehow so i mean i'm not gonna knock and fuck the corpse like yeah and then you're gonna pick

eucalyptus leaves off your hamburger and just get right to the i don't know whatever you're fat you get it you're fat yeah all right all right cool tight yeah well bare knuckle boxing a kangaroo you don't want to be a fucking character in a in a tall tale you know you don't want to be the paul bunion of australia yeah but i'm gonna that kangaroo is gonna fucking kill me and make me his prison i feel like i feel like the kangaroo is like jiggle his man boobs to fuck with you. And then do some like fucking like Sweet Georgia Brown, Muhammad Ali, like footwork. And then he's going to do like the fake handshake and then fucking dab on me and just punch me in the gut. All right.

This guy writes, for some reason, I like folk music and trap music. Oh, that was because we posted the picture of uh comparing pat to the banjo kid from deliverance oh you know both both art firms use a lot of triplets say that well musical theorist car used to be an aspiring hip-hop producer do you think putting a winter coat on a dog would prevent them from developing a winter coat of their own interesting is it i was just trying to spice this up and make the podcast seem more compelling, but you know what?

If you want to shit all over it, that's fine. I don't even understand that. I'm starting my own podcast network. Why are there so many animal questions? I don't know. Do we have anything else? Or is that the last one?

That is the last. There's one guy that just said he liked banjos, but I didn't think that was worthy of bringing up in front of the class. Can you guys participate in this show? Because either bitch when we don't do it or when we do do it, you're like, yeah, I don't know. I'm 15.

And I'm like, what do you want me to do with that? Yeah. We got to give them more specific prompts. Get it together, Ryan Colby. By the way, Ryan Colby, we haven't heard from you in a while. You're still out there. We still love you. Yeah, drop us a line, all right?

Sometimes you'll fave some of our tweets, but we worry about you, all right? Would it kill you to call your parents every once in a while? Your real ones definitely aren't talking to you. We're the closest you got. Yeah, if you can make us some games and shit. I don't know. Write the show for us, guys. Keep making that show you like.

You're making us work, and it's getting exponentially worse. When you guys were doing the work, this was a great show. We're just overwhelmed being so successful, guys. We're going to be on VH15. All the TV channels we're on sound like Battlescar Galactica ships.

Yeah. We're going to be on every TV you ignore at a gas pump. Okay. Some plugs, everybody, for this week. The day this comes out

will be at the roast battle at the Comedy Story at midnight, fighting some fucking dude. You never heard of him. Don't worry about it. The day after that will be at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. That will be a fun show. Come out to that if you're in L.A. And then on Saturday, I'm doing some kind of company party for firefighters in Sacramento.

Oh, no. I don't know. Well, after the last company party we did, it should go well. Ooh, yeah. Check out the Mean Boys Christmas special, Basic Bitch Beetlejuice, to see some high octane shit fuckery. This week, from May 22nd to May 26th, or May, what am I talking about? March 22nd to March 26th, I will be in the Bay Area with Rose Battle champion Frank Castillo

and Rose Battle adjacent human Dan Nolan. So come check us out. I'll be at Mickey's in West Hollywood on Monday the 27th. And then the 31st, I will be somewhere in Simi Valley and on Gangbusters at the Clubhouse in Hollywood. Check out my Facebook for all my shows. Follow me on Twitter and whatever at Keith Tells Jokes. Tonight on the 21st, I will be at the comedy central stage on Santa Monica in Hollywood. And a week after that,

the 28th, I'll be at the world famous comedy store roast battling Jay light. Oh, she had former guest Jay light. And I shared a bed in a Salt Lake city. Very, very, very easy bedfellows kept to ourselves.

You know, you, you, you guys are like the perfect Salt Lake city couple. You probably fit right in Yeah no we really do Which one's the girl I don't know it's fine Alright guys let's sign off

Fuck everything God is scum Why you Yeah Yeah.