Mean Boys - EP 53 - Breakdance Garfunkle (feat. David Dorward)

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Lay Down And Hyperventilate In Bed”, “Twitter Shuffleboard”, “Alligator Dave” and a game of “Which of the Following” with things that happened in Florida. Watch the new Burn Booth: youtu.be/J4RS0ErEc1k Follow our guest David Dorward on Twitter: twitter.com/DavidDComedy Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Mean Boys and Girls, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. There he is. Welcome to the show this week. That's a good summation of the show this week. Indeed it is. We had a good friend of ours, David Doerr, fill in on about 90 minutes notice, so just please take that into account when you're listening to it. I was very grateful that he was able to come through and get the show out for you guys.

Other than that, please remember that we are sponsored by Don Carlos Taco Shop in the Hoya, California. Taco Shop. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't wheeze incomprehensible. Well, my lungs can collapse in blue Fortuna nicotine toxicity. Yeah, whatever. Quick, add more words. It'll make it funnier.

That's your method, fuckface. Yeah, good one. We do the same thing, and we're bad at each other for it. Go to eataburrito.com and go buy fucking Don Carlos tacos. Yeah, you get it. Yeah. April 18th, live Mean Boys, Harvails, Long Beach. Stay tuned for more details on that.

Save the date. You ain't getting no card, but you better hold that motherfucker. We got anything else to plug? No, I don't think so. I'm reviewing on iTunes because no one has in a long time, and I grow fearful that our beloved minions have forgotten us. We need your love. Please, love us.

Send us things. Mm-hmm. All right. Here's the show. Here's the show. This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast, where your gods are made up and your prayers don't matter.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Scene Kid Snape. That's fair. Hot topic Snape. I was going to go with Surly, Son of Dracula. So, we're in the same ballpark

yeah no I'll take both of those I'm definitely I definitely give off an evil kind of ghoulish vibe so I'll take all that you look like you're

the less popular manager of a hot topic like you're the one the cool kids don't like that much like the hard ass like yeah oh god I was three minutes

late for my shift and David wrote me up again if you're related to a hot topic by the way they write you up in the death note i think that's how it works that's a reference no one hey i'm sorry people that like fucking weird uh crime nihilist anime that is a hundred percent of the reference for this podcast that's a very good point uh yeah but david does kind of give off the vibe that he sleeps in a coffin for sure but that's also a race car bed somehow very nice i looked like i should have got the hot topic reference but i

it's a store for sad goths you look like a sad goth you look like a goth like just two days into being a grown-up like you know what i mean like you just threw away your makeup oh yeah yeah yeah like like a goth that got a job at sears and it's just like well it's time to time to grow up trying to turn my goth life around baby sears is the place to do it they get it man it's like a parody by the sears people didn't mention that david is sponsored by sears the official comedian of sears and shockingly not uh reproduction of bad guana what for ambiance for your vampire dungeon i don't know guys it's 11 p.m and we're all doing this on 90 minutes no that's true uh david uh was a trooper he jumped in after our uh initially planned guest kim cong then dropped out uh presumably to go do uh

horseshit uh so thank you for being here david no she had a legit excuse but uh yeah but it's less funny than just the phrase horseshit yeah. Yeah. Here I am trying to provide positive intersex relations on this podcast that mostly has straight white gooses as guests. Yeah, we tried to correct that. We found a whatever-she-is lady. She couldn't make it. This all feels unnecessary. I can say whoreshit. I'm literally waiting on a response from a Grindr message while we're

recording this. Hey, I have a black friend and I let him fuck me in the butt. I can say the N-word. I'm Keith Carey. I have... That's a great impression of me. Oh, yeah. No, I'm always saying my first and last name. I enjoy regular buffets

and the buffet of slurs from which I am allowed to choose from, says me. It's like there's two of you here right now. Which is like four people, normally. I'm sorry, the only impression I can do isn't of a skeleton that hates his parents. If there's like a VO acting job for that, then David has a long career ahead of him on an Adult Swim animated sitcom. If I can find someone to take my hot topic shift, I'll be there.

Alright, well, David, you get your energy down a little bit. It's a little overwhelming, but we'll get fired up. Let's start off with the Mexican joke-off. Hi, so topical. Alright, I will lead us away this week with a joke that was definitely not supposed to be about Kim Congdon,

but then got changed immediately. Three women were banned from boarding United Airlines flight because they were wearing leggings. In response to the news, the TSA has been pulling aside all women with a Snapchat dog filter on their face for further questioning. Yeah. All right. The Oakland Raiders are relocating to Las Vegas. In anticipation of the influx of low-IQ Mexican ding-dongs, Connor McSpadden has been traded by the Victorville Holiday Inn

and will now be headlining the Ramada in Reno. It's a running gag that Connor has headlined the Holiday Inn in Victorville, California several times. Hey, one time I was featuring. David. Yeah, buddy. These are so bad The final four is this weekend

College basketball is just like the NBA Only instead of tall athletic handsome black dudes College basketball is mainly made up of gangly white guys That look like they're going to shoot up a school If they miss a free throw Yeah you're not wrong The Mexican fact off everybody These are mainly going to be facts

Fact off is my cousin. That was more like some whimsical eugenics. I was panic joke-wrecking in my car like 15 minutes ago. That's okay. Talk into the microphone while you bomb. I'm sorry. Millions of gallons of toxic sewage have spilled in Seattle, and the Mean Boys podcast is wishing Keith Curry's father a speedy recovery from his vasectomy.

God fucking damn it. I knew it was coming. I think this might be the first my dad joke. Oh, no, I did one. Okay, usually it's my mom getting it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I mean, you know, she lives in like Orange County or something, so. Yeah, yeah, she's fucking.

Can't have both ends. All right. I mean, yeah, probably. I don't know, like mom and dad jokes. Both ends. All right. I got what you meant. I was just trying to make it worse than it was.

We're tag teaming this. I don't know if it's possible. You know that job in China where you got to hold the Chinese babies so they don't die every day at the orphanage? No. Oh, that's the thing. Where Chinese babies, they figured out if they didn't have someone hold them for 30 minutes a day, the babies would die because they needed the contact of another person.

And I feel like David Dorda is the only person that could do that job and the babies would still die. I can't believe professional baby hugger is a job. Oh, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't see me holding the little Chinese baby on Facebook? I was great at it. I'm literally the person to do that. Fuck.

How did this happen? I picked up a very Chinese man in Koreatown. He had just moved here. He was very Chinese. And I gave him a ride to Whittier. And the whole time, he was kind of hitting on me.

He was like, oh, you're so attractive. You could be an actor. You look like Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm like, all right, well, your credibility is destroyed. And then I dropped him him off and i thought we were done but he's like no no hold on one second he ran into his house and he came out with his wife and a little newborn like baby and they wanted they wanted me to hold the baby and take pictures with it and it felt

like it was like some shit of like let's let's let this tall white man hold our baby it'll give us good fortune in the new world and then they rubbed your belly and made a wish it felt like it was some shit of like, let's let this tall white man hold our baby. It'll give us good fortune in the new world. And then they rubbed your belly and made a wish. It feels like they're framing, they're going to kill that baby now. And then they're going to be like, oh, yeah, the last time we saw him, this weird Dracula had him. If they didn't kill it, it's dead by now. Because you should not just be handing your Uber driver your baby. That's a good point.

You're the best case scenario for handing a baby to an Uber driver. It could get so much worse. Yeah. I mean, I should have stole that baby, and I didn't. Because all the other Uber drivers out there are the other people that have been guests on this show, and Lord knows they're despicable. Don't let any guest on the show near your baby. Good call.

Excellent. It's on our business cards. All right. We don't have business cards. We don't have a big business card to fit that on. The director of Moonlight will produce a series about the Underground Railroad for Amazon.com. It tells the harrowing story of slaves making a journey to freedom that could take months, but could be done in two days with an Amazon Prime account.

Oh, God. I like that one. These are all going to be worse versions of your topics. A United Airlines flight resource. David, the microphone. Is this good? Move it down a little bit. Words don't worse versions of your topics. A United Airlines flight resource. David, the microphone. Is this good? Words don't come out of your nose. I thought you said talking to this part.

Talking to the part that is a microphone. Into the center of the microphone. Is this better? Yes. You're a professional comedian. I can hear it in my one ear now. Yeah, you're a professional comedian. Doing an unprofessional podcast where the headphones have only worked in one ear now. Yeah, you're a professional comedian. You're doing an unprofessional podcast

where the headphones have only worked in one ear since we had a different president. Oh, that's upsetting. Sorry, it's a lovely studio. United Airlines flight recently stopped two women from boarding because you guys know the premise because they were wearing yoga pants. But it was really a compliment

since they said those asses were too big to be considered carry-on. I liked watching the sheepish look of shame on your face. The confidence just drained from your face. Newark County bag check. That's a little inside joke.

I do like the idea of the guy like, you're going to have to check that ass. Yeah. I do like the idea of the guy like, you won't have to check that ass. Yeah, that'd be pretty sick. Could they fit it in the overhead compartment, maybe? Huh, guys? Is this helping the joke? Very flexible. Quick, do another thing.

Juggling isn't good for audio. Fuck. Okay. Disturbing 4chan post. Appears to have predicted a recent terror attack in London. Authorities are working around the clock to thwart the further predictions of Pepe Damas. Sometimes they're dumb and abruptly. First of all, it's very dumb.

Second of all, it's terrifying to believe in a world where fucking 4chan is like an actual player on the world stage. Yeah, no, it really is upsetting. All right. age. Yeah, no, it really is upsetting. Analysts say North Carolina's controversial anti-transgender bathroom bill will cost the state $3.7 billion over the next 12 years. This bodes poorly for recently proposed state legislation mandating all

fag drags must be done behind a Rolls Royce. It's a long road to the phrase fag drag. I thought that was when you smoked a cigarette, but anyway. Wangity schmagity. David, every time you rewind the show. I'm so scared to do this.

It's like you're about to ask us out on a date. It's not Sadie Hawkins, buddy. It's just a comedy podcast. Everyone knows you did this in 80 minutes. We'll jerk you off at shitty internet radio prom. We're splitting a limo nine ways. It's five minutes of jack time per person. Gave the driver some of the fucking Everclear we stole from my dad to look the other way.

I didn't go to prom. I stayed home and played Yu-Gi-Oh on prom night, and I still consider that to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Based on how my prom went? Yeah, good call. Prom's fucking dumb. And if you go to it, you're a simple person, and you don't deserve joy. Anyway. Did you go to prom?

You can't ask anybody. My girlfriend at the time was, like, too old to go. She was, like, 19, and I was 18. So they're like, yeah, we don't fuck with that. And I was like, okay. So, you know, and then I was like, yeah. And I was only going because I thought that she would want to go because she's weird.

She's one of those weirdos who goes to that thing that every high school student goes to. Oh, she wasn't a high school student. She'd graduated. She graduated the year before me. Yeah, that is weird. Yeah, and then I was like, phew. And then I played Yu-Gi-Oh.

Solid. I was staying with me only like Digimon. Oh, okay. The fuck out of my head. We're a Yuugioh household i saw the cards on the door when i came like i nailed a blue eyes white dragon so my firstborn son doesn't get taken away by the pharaohs i tried so hard to think of any yugioh characters right there i just couldn't

you don't need to you go stupid all right-Oh's stupid. Yeah, it's dumb. But it's two men that talked about their love of musicals on the porch for ten minutes before we started recording. You named five musicals and sang songs from two of them. And these weren't even like recent musicals. These were like old-ass musicals. I probably just like them because I have fond memories of shitting on them

in band class. Yeah, okay. I just like them because they're so good at being bad. They're just so gay that it All right. I just like them because they're so good at being bad. They're just so gay that it's great because it's funny because they suck. Yeah. I also haven't seen a movie

since 2008, so I don't know. Yeah, that's a fair point. Is that real? I just don't watch movies. Okay. All Connor does is listen to audio books

about presidents and just quietly hate everything that brings people joy. I also watch anime. Okay, David. You didn't even see the Yu-Gi-Oh! movie? I actually just got done watching it literally 15 minutes ago, and it sucked. Is there actually a Yu-Gi-Oh! movie?

I was hoping there was. This is real. Oh, hell yeah. They put in a new one with the old cast, and it was bogged down by all the problems of the fucking new series. I was talking to Keith about how I feel about the updates in Yu-Gi-Oh! The way racist coaches felt about integration

and be like, you won't bust your pendulum monsters into my school now there, boy. Do they have black Yu-Gi-Oh! characters now or gay ones or something to make it more? They had a gay one in season one called Pegasus.

He never really came up. I mean, Yu-Gi-Boy. You talk like that. Pegasus is a great name for the gay character for a lot of reasons there's no like it's one of those things

where it's never discussed but there's just no way he's not gay there's also that one character Yugi oh my there's no I can't think of a black character off the top of my head

I know there's a lot of Middle Eastern characters because of the the ancient Egyptian test why the fuck are we talking about this I just wanted to see how long it would go for

I could go for way too I could do the entire cast impressions anyway sorry for the love of god david do it tell a joke no as soon as i tell this you're gonna wish we talked about yugioh for like i promise you i won't you keep sandbagging and be like yeah connor what else about this card game for children because you know your joke's gonna yeah exactly completely anything we talk about it um the raiders are moving to Los Angeles. You can bet on that. They're moving to Las Vegas.

You didn't even do it right. You dumb jackass. David, what? It would have been kind of clever. That wasn't even a good sentence, much less joke. That honestly is probably going to go on the fucking posters in Vegas. Oh, yeah. Yeah, bet on black. Oh, wait. Is that what probably going to go on the fucking posters in Vegas. Oh, yeah. Yeah, bet on black.

Oh, wait. Is that what he said? Bet on black? He said you can bet on that. You can bet on that. I didn't prove it as a joke. I proved it as a marketing slogan. I can't explain these terrible jokes.

It only hurts my soul. Don't talk to us like they're golden plates you found from God. You wrote these yourself. You can explain them and you've failed. The important thing is we got two more of them to get through. Oh, boy.

Donald Trump presented German Chancellor Angela... All right, guys. Let's take that one from the top. You know, I got a little fired up thinking about you. Your tongue got a little

bit slippery. Donald Trump presented German Chancellor Angela Merkel with a $300 billion invoice for her country's unpaid contributions to NATO. After this geopolitical faux pas, he asked her if she could recommend

a good gas guy. You know, the best people are always the ones that, you know, you hear from a friend. You gotta get a referral. It's good business. Yeah. The recently released Power Rangers movie contains the franchise's first out LGBT character. GLAAD has praised the filmmakers for their commitment to

representation, though they have questioned the wisdom of digitally dropping a big black dick in Zordon's tank. It's just like the idea of just a dick floating in there and he's like trying to do Power Rangers stuff and it keeps just dipping into his mouth. I don't know who Zordon is.

You have to defeat the... Zordon is just a big fucking head floating in a tube. Oh, shit. Okay. Played by Bryan Cranston in the new movie, because apparently that fucking Breaking Bad money went quick. Yeah.

Well, I think he went from a place of, after Malcolm in the Middle, he's like, I'm done. I'm typecast forever. I'm never going to be in anything again, to the point where he's like, oh, I can do anything I want. You know? Yeah, well, fucking Zordon is what he wanted. I got to think part of the fun of being an actor is doing a couple shitty movies like that.

Did you ever watch the Power Rangers? Oh, I did. I just don't, I don't remember. I remember Putties and that's about it. Gotcha, gotcha.

Anyway, David. I never watched Power Rangers. It's pretty, I just re-watched the Power Rangers episode with a buddy of mine and it is one of the worst things ever made.

And I was so into it when I was a kid. Oh, me too. I was all about, yeah. I'll scout my tickets then. These are... Oh, man. You guys are going to have to change my name. I can't.

You're going to take your Alan Smithy on this? David Norwood or something. They'll never know it's me. These are all worse versions of jokes you guys have already done. A movie theater in Alabama refused to show the new Beauty and the Beast movie because it has a gay character. However, they said the gay character in Power Rangers is okay because lesbians

are hot. That's actually a good joke. Yeah, that's a good one. I have no confidence in myself at this point. That's a legitimately good joke. Dude, swag up. I mean, this is all part of the fun. I mean, mine haven't been 24 carats of gold either. I mean, we all remember fucking Pepe Damas

to the dark days. The Snapchat one was mediocre at best. The BBC reports that an avalanche has hit Japanese schoolgirls. Thousands of men who clicked the misleading headline were spied in crimes of anguish. I can't fap to this! Six were killed and three are missing. Of the girls or the guys who dreaded jerk off to it? The girls.

Yeah, I figured. Oh, my God. You know, at least one was like, I can still fap to this. All right. 33 reptiles at a Knoxville zoo were found dead of unknown causes. Some suspect foul play and are calling this a cold-blooded killing. Because they're fucking reptiles hopefully the scales of justice will tip in their favor oh man they're fucking lizards when i was 10 i made a movie called

cold-blooded killer which was just a recreation of jaws that i made with inflatable inflatable like alligator that i made our community pool i didn't even realize until years later. I'm like, oh, I just made Jaws. For a 10-year-old to make Jaws is still pretty cool. Pretty cool. But like an alligator, too. Like a house in the shark. I would like to see this before I see the original Jaws. I don't know if we've

talked about it on air, but I have a thing. So you're a fan of Jaws, obviously. I want to make a remastered version of Jaws where just every time the shark is on screen, Tom Goss' voice comes out of it. Oh, I forgot about this. And then put the whole thing online and not tell anybody that it's not just Jaws.

Because the shark doesn't show up until like 45 minutes in. Oh, yeah, yeah. So they'll be like, man, we're just watching a really tense movie and all of a sudden it's just like, duh, I don't like water. Like, wait, what?

To an entire generation of kids like Tom Goss. Oh my God, yes. It's beautiful. We're going to do it one day. Yes. After we fix the headphones, we'll make a feature-length film. We don't have to make that. We can record Tom saying a bunch of stuff.

We have already recorded Tom saying a bunch of stuff. Oh, I suppose, yeah. All right, take it home, dude. Big closer. A lot of pressure. Oh, geez. Shouldn't have been close. That's I suppose, yeah. All right. Take it home, David. Big closer. A lot of pressure. Oh, jeez. Shouldn't have been close. That's why we do it.

Local comedian David Dord recently had to write five topical jokes in less than an hour and quickly learned that he's a stupid, dumb retard that needs to read more.

Good night and good luck. Thanks for coming to Metaboys, everybody. I'm in Las Vegas, not Los Angeles. Well, that joke was fine, and you can bet on that. That was a solid joke, Alf. We could say that. Look, it happened, and it ain't gonna unhappen. It absolutely happened.

Mean Boys will be right back. Hey, everybody. It's Connor Mc Mean Boys will be right back. Hey, everybody. It's Connor McSpadden from the Mean Boys podcast, and I'm here to tell you about my new time management system. Do you find yourself getting overwhelmed, being unable to compartmentalize the crippling litany of tasks that are necessary for your continued survival in an uncaring world, fantasizing about finishing your degree

and returning to a simpler life of playing competitive trading card games in your spare time? Well, then my program might be right for you. If you attend one of my upcoming seminars, I will teach you my simple one-step method for turning your to-do list into a to-done list. Using the McSpad method, when you find yourself getting overwhelmed with a phantom tollbooth-esque in-pile of bullshit busywork reality stacks on your desk, you need only do one thing. Lay down and hyperventilate in bed that's right when the fear of failure and success roil equally in your tormented mind and you can't bring yourself to chip away at the spiritual boulder trapping you in the dark caves of your own consciousness

you can just drop everything and hyperventilate in bed you'll learn all my techniques for telling the concept of hope to kick rocks while you quiver and pray for death including drinking too many caffeinated crystal lights holding a pillow while you systematically pinpoint where everything went wrong, listening to Nirvana's cover of Where Did You Sleep Last Night and trying to cry but realizing not even the ending part where Kurt starts screaming can crack the cocoon of indifference you've spun around your black heart, and many more. With my patented

system, you can turn your aspirations into exasperations, and regular poop into spicy anxiety diarrhea. After a one-day intensive with the McSpadden method, your heart will be beating like a hummingbird trapped in a volcano no matter how hard you try to calm down. And once you've graduated from Level 1 of the McSpadden Method, you can move on to the next step, which is telling yourself

you're going to become a different person when you go to bed at night before waking up and finding that you're still shitty old you. Turn over a new page in life, then rip it out and throw it at the wall in anguish by laying down and hyperventilating in bed. No matter how hard you try, nothing is going to get better. Hey, Mean Boys and Girls, we're back with another round of one of our favorite games.

It's time to play Twitter Shuffleboard, gang. This is a game where I'm going to give you some Twitter shit, and you've got to guess some Twitter-y shit about it. That is the least informative sentence that a mouth ever talked. I'm sorry. All right seat episodes uh 51 uh 14 is he seeing a theme tom goss uh yeah basically he's gonna give us uh weird tweets by people and weird twitter accounts we have to guess how many likes faves stuff like that okay it's harder than it looks we go price is right rules so you gotta

go close without going over all right uh number one one, Guy Fieri, at Guy Fieri, how many Twitter followers does Guy Fieri have? An upsettingly high amount. What is the might of his deep-fried empire? Does anyone get to guess? Oh, yeah, we both do. Yeah,

so here's the thing. I feel like it's a lot, but I also feel like a lot of the Guy Fieri fan base doesn't know what a Twitter is. So I feel like that shops into it. Some of these are tough like that. I don't know. What do you think? I'm going to go 2 million.

Damn, that is aggressively high. I'm going to say 15,000. Guy Fieri has 2.55 million. Holy fuck on my shit. What? Yep. That's right. That's more than Patton Oswalt has. That's such a bummer. That's like more than Patton Oswalt has.

That's such a bummer. No, Patton has 3.8. You should know that off the top of your head. Well, I checked to see that he still follows me like once a day. I did that when Aziz Ansari was following me, and I got so sad when I realized he wasn't. Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. It's all right. You didn't mean much to him.

That's fair. He just wanted to do that spot at the Virgil one time buddy. It's all right. You didn't mean much to him. Eh, that's fair. You just wanted to do that spot at the Virgil one time. It worked. All right. This is my high school football version of being like, one time I won the big game. It's like, yeah, but now you work at a radio show. I'm sorry. This is all fat idiot edition.

Joey Fatone, at Joey Fatone. How many Twitter followers does Joey Fatone have? Oh. Because I feel like he's got a good amount of weird, not sure if it's ironic, 23-year-old girls following him. I think Joey Fatone could really rebrand as one of those celebrities that gets really popular from sharing memes, like a George Takei. Yeah, I could see that.

Did you see that thing Joey Fatone posted about how white people be like? Well, he pops up on weird Adult Swim stuff every once in a while. It's actually pretty funny because he's got a sense of humor about how dumb it is that he's Joey Fatone posted about how white people be like? Well, he pops up on weird like Adult Swim stuff every once in a while. It's actually pretty funny because he's got like a sense of humor about how dumb it is that he's Joey Fatone. He did like a weight like a hydroxy cut commercial or something and he's like, oh god, that's rough. Was he in the Backstreet Boys? I don't know.

Yes, David. Wait, was Joey Fatone in the Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? Does it matter? There's one of those two. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, that's all I need. I think he was in NSYNC. Okay. I could be wrong. Same thing. How dare you? We should make a meta-musical about the aftermath of the boy band careers.

Oh, that'd be so fun. Like a musical where Joey Fatone just sings an impassioned monologue while he's waiting in a McDonald's drive-thru. Yeah, it's just called I'm Not the Hot One, parenthetically, I'm the other guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to say... Okay, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna say... Okay, how much does Breakdance Garfunkel have? There's your episode title. Breakdance Garfunkel.

When you put it that way. I'm gonna say 28,000. David Derwood. I'm gonna go 1.2 million. Jesus. Joey Fatone has 184,000 Twitter followers. Keith takes that one. You flew too close to the sun on wings of Guy Fieri's hair. Don't be cocky. Next one.

Danny Bonaduce, Twitter handle at TheDoochMan. All right. First of all, I hope he dies. He's not great. One time I saw Danny Bonaduce in the parking lot of that Jack in the Box across from Amoeba, and he was walking through. He was wearing no shoes. He was wearing a leather jacket.

It was like 85 degrees. And on the back of the leather jacket, it said Bonaduce and rhinestones. Oh, no. But a bunch of them had fallen off. It was so fucked. And it made me laugh for a while. It's such a depressing jacket to buy two tacos for 99 cents.

Yeah. He was carrying himself with the energy of somebody who just realized they did not have sufficient taco funds. Oh, man. He's looking for quarters. He's trying to pay in rhinestones. He's trying to pick up the fish around with his shoes for a change.

I think in West Hollywood, between the glam rock and the homosexual community, you should be able to pay in rhinestones like gold dust back in the settler days, you know? Give me a pinch for a pint. Oh, God. What does the dude have?

I don't think very many. I'm going to go 182,000. I'm going to say 11,000. Danny Bonaduce has 28.4,000. All right. I'll keep fixing it. All right. Next one.

Too much confidence In these people I'm not even getting close You're just going crazy high Billy Mays' Shitty sidekick Anthony Sullivan Twitter handle

That's Sully on TV How many Wait is that even a person? That's like That's like the other OxiClean guy I did Shamwell guy Last time

Oh Right It's not Slap Shop guy No no no It's Sully. Oh, that's right. The guy that just makes a living by exploiting people's memories of his dead infirmary. Yeah, my buddy is a ghost who used to sell you bullshit.

Buy more bullshit to make his ghost head. My buddy is a ghost that used to sell you bullshit. Buy three now or he doesn't get to go to heaven. Sounds like a belief song. Just pay, you know, from 1999, just pay two coins for the River Styx crossing fee. You're not going to hear a lot of Greek burial rites, Billy Mays jokes

on other podcasts, folks. I'm going to say $7,000. I'm going to say $1. I want to spin that wheel, baby. You're going to say one follower? Yeah, one follower. Okay, cool. All right.

Anthony Sullivan has 11.3 thousand followers. Son of a bitch. That's really upsetting how many more followers he has than me. I know. Some of these... 9,000 more. We're still beating out the dude from Smash Mouth, though, which is nice. That's incredible that we're beating him.

Yeah, I was shocked about that. Because Smash Mouth has become this weird In vogue reference point lately I'm a Smash Mouth apologist I've played some deep cut Smash Mouth I agree with this He should at least have more people ironically following him That's what I'm saying

I'm disappointed in millennials You guys remember Shrek Follow the guy from Smash Mouth He doesn't have much these days He's playing county fairs. Just let him be a meme. Screaming at kids. I'm the Shrek guy.

I made your childhood magical. Somebody once told me I was supposed to get half the door. Don't fuck me on this, Jerry. No, I just want to walk into the sun. How do you get half a door at a fair? They don't even have doors. Door of the barn.

Yeah, you get half the barn. Hustle the snake in the barn. Half the stable. All right. Now it's time to play Guess the Faves. As the listeners know, I always include a Larry King tweet. Why would anyone want to play the tuba? Hashtag, it's my two cents.

It's from Larry King. How many favorites does that have? God damn it. Are we allowed to ask how many followers he has? Yes, but I don't have that information, so it's not going to get you far. It's like quite a few, though. It's a good one. It's Larry King.

How many favorites? How many faves does it have? I'm going to go 13,000. I'm going to go 13,000. I'm going to say 5,000. That's 202 favorites. Oh, okay. We went way high on that. Yeah, you guys are really in your dreams, King.

In your dreams. A lot of tuba fans following Larry King. I like that tweet. Whoa, too soon. Next to bassoon. No, that's a bassoon. Oh, God, I hate this. The next one comes to us from porn star James Dean.

40% sure I just ate rancid meat. Guess the faves. 60% sure you're a rapist. Oh, is that guy a rapist? Oh, you didn't hear about that? Oh, I wouldn't have included that. Oh, yeah, he's like hella a rapist. Oh, no.

That's all right. I can't participate in this. Nah, it's still me. Illa a rapist. Oh, no. That's all right. I can't participate in this. Nah, it's dopey. I mean, the tweet didn't rape anybody. Let's just play the game. Really forcing this question upon us. Wait, did the tweet rape anybody? We're going to find stuff out later.

Oh, no. What was the tweet again? 40% sure I just ate rancid meat. Yeah, it was a rape. Oh, Jesus. I'm going to say, honestly, for a porn star, it depends if that's accompanied by a picture or not. No picture. I'm going to say 347.

David Dorward. I'm going to say 400. It is 48 likes. Okay. Way overshot. It's got too much credit. It's a hard game. It's a really hard game. Good. That should only get likes. Okay. Way overshot that. It's got too much credit. It's a hard game. It's a really hard game.

Good. That should only get 48. Yeah. All right. The next tweet comes to us from Larry the Cable Guy. That's the first time I've blocked someone on Twitter since the guy that sent the naked Nancy Pelosi tweet last August. A lot to unpack here.

Yeah. Larry the Cable Guy probably has an infuriating amount of followers. He does. And they probably hate Nancy Pelosi. Oh, yeah. Here's what I'm shocked. Larry the Cable Guy actually tweets jokes. He doesn't just tweet, like, his show dates.

He's like, you know. Yeah, he writes jokes on there. Oh. I respect that. Yeah, I was shocked. I can't imagine they're great, but I respect it. Yeah, you know, you got it. What's the emoji for a fart noise i like i like

how i'm being uh you know uh diplomatic as though i am holding out hopes for opening and for larry the cable guy i would pay three times ticket value to see a show where you open for larry the cable

guy's audience football stadium oh my god yeah yeah just 500 000 human fucking american flag t-shirts doing that strap-on story. You should check out the Mean Boys podcast. Hey, what's a podcast? Dang, is that like when a goat ain't good?

That's what I'm talking about. It's just like that. You'll love it. Yeah. Fucking. All right. Tweet Nancy Pelosi favorites. I'm going to say 15,000.

David Doran. 20,000. That is 483. God damn it. You got to be like Katy Perry to get 5,000 favors on some bullshit. I don't know the numbers. Well, maybe you guys should spend more time looking at seeing what Lady Sovereign is up to. I listen to Lady Sovereign pretty regularly.

So do I. Because you turn me on and she's the dopest. This is a girl that Keith wants to fucking marry. Oh my God, so much. All right. The next one comes to us from Flavor Flav. You know those moments where like sometimes you're like everyone's talking then all of a sudden it's just you talking

like just all at once people just shut up and you're the only person talking yeah happened to me on the bus on a field trip in middle school is this the tweet no no and it was me saying i fucking love lady sovereign and then i'm like you're like you can't say fuck and also you have bad taste like uh flavor flav tweets a message A message to President Barack Obama before you leave office. Would love to meet you, Mr. President. It's my dream. We're something in common. I like the idea that he tweeted this today.

Oh, it turns out that clock is set a little too far backwards. Hey, oh. He wears a clock. I wonder if Obama saw that or was aware of it. I feel like Obama's the right age when he would have thought about it. Oh, Chuck D was pretty good. Why don't you have his number?

In your morning security briefing, Mr. President, Flavor Flav has requested an audience with you. Send him a memo from the White House stationery That says no boy That's retarded I'm going to say 312 David DeRoy

I'm going to say 199 Oh you guys are so close 188 likes I was going to say 188 If you got it right on the money, you would have reduced it. That would have been insane. This would be your podcast now. And the final question. Are they on Twitter? Tila Tequila.

Oh. I'm going to say no. I got to go yes then. Tila Tequila? Or not Tequila. That is the question. I just turned into my aunt. Whether tis nobler to get poop thrown at you

by juggalos, or to weirdly rebrand as a Nazi for some reason. The Earth is flat. She's not on Twitter. That's our game, gentlemen. Mean Boys will be right back. Coming up next on A&E, it's America's

favorite reality show, Alligator Dave's Swamp Wranglers. World-renowned swamp hunter Dave, Alligator Dave LeBeau, takes you deep into the swamps of Louisiana, hunting the dangerous creatures that live there with his trademark blend of homespun wisdom and incoherent moonshine ramblings. It's the newest and most popular show on A&E's new white trash exploitation Wednesdays. Are you laughing with Alligator Dave or at Alligator Dave? No one knows. Who cares? Not our advertisers, that's who. Stay tuned. Hey there, TV people. It's me, Alligator Dave. I was born and raised in this here swamp, and now y'all and y'all big city cameras gonna see how we do things down here.

Today we looking for a real mean alligator operator. Goes by the name of Dr. Chompers, M.D. How do I know the gator's name? How you gonna ask me how I know what I know about gators when you know I know what I know on account of being Alligator Dave? Now last we done see Dr. Chompers, he was swimming right around here. Word is he been eating them dogs live out on the bouldery farm. So you see a collar, you give Alligator Dave a holler.

Sorry, guys. Hold. Quiet now. You're going to scare the gator off. I just got a note from the network. We need you to read this into the camera. We're being rude to the audience. Boy, ain't you got no manners?

Ladies and gentlemen, this here is Alligator Dave's producer, a fella I call Jerry the Jew. Hey, Dave, could you not? I've told you, like, so many times why it's not okay to call me that. Oh, I'm sorry. Where'd my head done gone? I figured you want to keep that Jew stuff on the hush-hush. People got opinions about y'all. Not alligator Dave, though.

I ain't afraid of no heebie-jeebie Hebrew whatnots. My mama taught me voodoo to beat your Jew voodoo real true. Yeah. Fucking fine. Just read this. Okay, let's see what all the fuss is here now. Let me put on my reading spectacles. Dave, there's no lenses.

Boy, you keep interrupting me. I'm going to go upside your booty with Mama's gumbo scoop. Okay, let's see. Oh, mercy, mercy, mercy. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Alligator Dave's somber duty to inform you that America has been attacked by terrorizers. Since here, they done went all boom-boom, done took down the whole Golden Gate Bridge. Truly, this is a moment that will live on in infirmity flammity. Now, if Alligator Dave could editorialize for a moment.

No, Dave. Boy, I'm going to take my buck knife to your ankles, feed you to a mudfish. You don't shut that craw hole. As Alligator Dave was saying, personally, ain't no nothing to me if they blow up that bridge, per se. Anything that keeps them limp noodle dandy boys out in my swamp is A-OK in Alligator Dave's book. But regardless, this means war between the USA and them no-good, low-down hot-chickoo-goos. Now some of y'all might be scared, but not Alligator Dave.

See, I've been squirreling and ferreting away a little bit of whatnot here and there, and I got me a bunker that's 100% bonafide boom-boom proof. I got guns, ammo, more kinds of jerky than your city brains can comprehend, and a moat full of protection gators. So y'all keep making your TV hooey. I'm gonna get back to the compound. Come on, everybody.

Come with me. The Jew can come too, but he's gotta sleep in the yard. Is he... Yeah, he's gone tight. Okay, I guess that's a cut. Next week on Alligator Dave. Alligator Dave finds out that he's full-on illiterate. That note from the network was

actually an ad for Rice-A-Roni, and he only recognized the word San Francisco and then just kind of filled out the rest in his mind. Plus, Jerry the Jew reads a lot of misspelled hate mail, and Dr. Chomper's M.D. becomes head of surgery at Baton Rouge Memorial Hospital. A&E. Remember when we used to show

operas and shit? And the Mean Boys podcast is back and we close out the show this week as always with a round of our favorite thing we have to do anyway, even though some of us don't love it anymore. Which of the following? Woo! I don't really have to turn complaining about this game

into a bit. I actually like this game. I wonder who came up with it. a bit. I actually like this game. Well, I won't, you know. I wonder who came up with it. It's not important. My favorite segment. I like your voice because even when you say things sincerely, you sound like you're being a dick. Oh, yeah.

I can never be a doctor. I can never get bad news. No, your dad's going to be fine. I don't know. Yeah, cancer's like totally gone. Yeah, babe, I'm coming. I feel like you saying that gave him cancer. Do I get married?

This week's Around Witch of the Following is about shit that may or may not have happened in the state of Florida. Florida is a notorious wasteland where God goes to ignore his children. You know, I recently learned that there's a high concentration of wacky news stories from Florida because, like, the police reports are more open. I was about to bring that up. Yeah. I forget exactly how it works. But basically, like, the AP has access to all of Florida's shit versus they only have, like, some of it. So I feel like Florida is just a victim of bad PR.

See, I would think that if I didn't also live in Florida for a period of time. I was there for six months. Didn't you drive through Gatorland with no headlights while your mom was going? That's correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drove with two

fucking heroin addicts through a place called Gator Alley, which is called that because it's 100 miles of freeway, which is alligators on the side of it.

It should be your mom's stripper name, Gator Alley. Just give me the chops. All right. So round one. So I'm going to put a ruler in her mouth. I don't think that's going to stop a gator.

Oh, no. You've got to duct tape him shut, right? The gator or my mom? All right. Your mom's a cold-blooded killer. Oh, dog. Oh, dog. Reptiles.

Fucking gators. All right. Speaking of which, round number one. Which of the following did not happen in Florida? A. A man walked into a liquor store and attempted to trade a live alligator for beer. B. An arsonist set fire to the lingerie

section of a Kmart. C. A sheriff attempted to impress a girl with fancy gunspinning and accidentally shot off three of his toes. Or D. A man won a cockroach eating contest and then immediately died? Which of the following did not happen in Florida? I think the fact that it's three of his toes is so weird that leads me to believe it's true. So I'm going to go A, the trading of Gator for beer.

Okay. I don't believe a Kmart in Florida has a lingerie section. I'm going to go B. The correct answer is C. A sheriff attempting to impress a girl and shooting off his toes.

Damn it. The rest of that shit for real happened. Damn it. I shouldn't care. You're getting better at these. Yeah.

Well, the thing with this, too, is I made a bunch of these up, but they also might have happened. I just didn't find them. Just off the record. Round number two.

Which of the following did not happen in the state of Florida? A. A two-year-old wandered into a pit of alligators as his babysitter slept on the toilet. B. A woman was arrested for attempting to poop in the orca enclosure at SeaWorld. C. An ape with herpes escaped a zoo and rampaged through a suburb. Or D. A man was found dead after getting trapped in his girlfriend's cat door. D. Is out of left field again.

Can I hear B and C again? B was a woman was arrested for attempting to poop in the orca enclosure at SeaWorld. And C was an ape with herpes escaped a zoo and rampaged through a suburb. I want to believe in my heart that there's an ape with herpes escaped a zoo and rampaged through a suburb. Oh, I got it. I want to believe in my heart that there's an ape with herpes that was on the loose.

Sounds like an ape was pretty loose. Take it, the herpes. Aside from Keith after his last breakup. You are nothing if not a diseased chimp. I'll take that. Yo, you banana pinching scumbag. Fucking Bonzo goes to Bath House over here. Oh, yeah, and by the...

Go ahead and stop telling me that monkeys open bananas one way and that makes me dumb for opening them the other... Just fuck right off with that. Miss me with that shit. You know what those monkeys do is get enslaved by humans, so... What was this monkey slavery? Well, I mean, there are zoos and shit.

Oh, well, I was thinking cappuccino monkeys, and I'm like, are there more of these than I think? We have all the monkeys. Cappuccino monkeys? No, you're thinking of a new racial slur for hipsters. That's what he calls baristas. That's cappuccino. Just give me the key to the bathroom, you cappuccino.

Coming into my neighborhood, raising my rent. You're so great with the organic free trade. I'm going to go ahead and say orca poop. Am I allowed to give the same answer? Yeah, you can guess whatever you think is right. I was going to say that because if you're shitting in

a tank like this in a tank, that's almost a vulnerable position. Tilikum would have come up and eaten that bitch if that happened. All right. So first of all,

you're both correct. That was the fake one. Second of all, if somebody was pooping in there, I can't imagine they're making wise choices. Nobody else in this made... By the way,

why did the ape have herpes? Where did the ape get the herpes? I feel like it's one of these i feel like like i'm gonna go ahead and just say that probably seven out of ten apes have herpes yeah it's racist let's move off this immediately round three which of the following did not happen in florida a you have the expression of someone that has made some questionable chimp fucking decisions and is not currently

tested? Oh, shit. I gotta call Chim Chim. She told me that was a cold sore. Yeah, I think that's what you were saying. She only speaks sign language. Was she fucking someone else in Speed Racer's trunk?

I knew that hairy knuckles were a bad sign. Round three. Which of the following did not happen in Florida? A. A puppeteer was caught planning to kidnap, murder, and eat several children. B. A man beat his daughter for 45 minutes while the song Blurred Lines played on repeat. C. A couple was arrested attempting to smuggle 10 pounds of cocaine onto an airplane stuffed in the corpse of an infant.

Or D, a man claimed that his cat, not him, had downloaded several gigabytes of hardcore child pornography. They got real dark in round three. Ooh, shit. Oh, three of those are real. Yeah, the important thing is three kids got hurt. Okay. You know what? What was the first one again a puppeteer was caught planning to kidnap murder and eat several children i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with d d the man claimed that the cat

had downloaded several gigs of hardcore child porn okay guess i think if you're the kind of person that's gonna um smuggle cocaine on an airplane, you're not going to be able to fit it all in the corpse of a baby. So I'm going to say C. Cocaine has a pretty high packing capacity. You could get probably like a new car's worth of coke inside a baby. That is a fair point. Why not just do it in like a child?

Well, because a baby you could say like, oh, they're sleeping, but a dead kid is like big. By the way, you're right. The correct answer is C no that didn't happen that's fucked i thought i'd heard about that one no that seems like a thing that's probably happened but yeah yeah i was thinking of the scene in goodfellas when they just tape all the coke to the underside of an alive baby no i haven't seen that one okay yeah that's what i was thinking of round number four which the blog didn't happen in florida a a prostitute was arrested for stealing a man's penis and turning it into a necklace.

B. A strip club began offering free flu shots to paying customers. C. A man was brutally stabbed to death over a stolen harmonica. And D. A pregnant woman killed her husband with a bowl of spaghetti. Oh, my God. Okay, there's no way those people have access to vaccination, so that's highly suspect. The first one sounds like the plot of an aborted

Quentin Tarantino script. Like some kind of female empowerment as an excuse to just look at a bunch of ladies' feet while you film the thing. Fuck. What was the last one again? A pregnant woman killed her husband with a bowl of spaghetti. And the syntax is weird, so I want to be clear.

She used the bowl of spaghetti to kill him. He was bludgeoned with the bowl of spaghetti? Correct, yeah. That's the word I was looking for. She had to strangle him with the spaghetti. Here's some real al dente shit. Oh, man, dude. I tell you, if my mother's spaghetti, you could have done that.

Oh, it was hot as a rock. My mom's a great cook. I'm going to go D. Okay. What was B again? B was a strip club. He got offering free flu shots to customers. I don't know why I'm taking this so seriously.

No, I appreciate you coming to the game. The most mundane one. I mean, it's not nearly as professional as you brought to the witch of the following jokes. Those are some fire jokes, man. Like, you're getting fired after you told them. Oh, wee. I bet you didn't even know the Raiders moved to Los Angeles today. The Raiders are going to be really excited to find out.

I'm going B. B. The correct answer is A. A prostitute was arrested for stealing a man's penis and turning it into a necklace. Man. That sounds like the most Florida of all of them. Yeah. I thought they sold those at gift shops. All right.

Like shark's tooth, like fucking John's dick. It's Florida Puka shells. Florida Puka shells. All right. And last round is a little different. Last round is all real or all fake. I'm going to read you four. You tell me if these are all real or all made up.

A. A con man posing as a dentist attempted to cure a patient's toothache by licking her butthole. B. A pregnant woman murdered a man using a bowl of spaghetti. Oh, fuck. Well, I screwed up. Well, it's important to note that that first one is just funny to imagine if it's Keith with a mustache and those glasses disguised. Yeah. Well, shit. C, a man was bitten by a shark, punched by two monkeys, attacked by a poisonous snake, and then struck by lightning.

Or D, a lady married a Ferris wheel. Oh, I don't know. I mean, this could go either way. Yeah. Oh, but you feel, you know what? I know that Keith likes Ferris wheels. I know they bring him back to the childhood he never had. That is a lot of animals and a lot of natural disasters to confront in a short period.

You know what? I got to say that those are all fake. Those are all fake. Wait, that's really your guess? No, they're all real. All right, good. Yeah, I fucked up. The answer's all real.

Oh, sorry. I didn't let you guess. That's okay. Real. Yeah, good. guess no they're all real all right good yeah i fucked up the answer's all real yeah oh sorry i didn't let you guess that's okay uh real yeah good yes somehow you're wrong though uh well that's it for which of the following gang that's the show for this week uh you know all the the mean boys mailbag questions are uh you know sexually aggressive uh comments towards cam and she is not here to field them so we didn't we didn't get everyone was very respectful and we i i appreciate the mean boys fans uh toning up the uh the rhetoric as it pertains to my uh my butthole as of late because it used to get a lot of like what if keith fucked connor in the ass but it was but it was the other guy's birthday yeah it used to be real rapey up in our comment section yeah but uh yeah you guys have been well

behaved um anyone have anything they like to plug yeah you gotta tell them where they can find you Yeah, you used to be real rapey up in our comments section. Yeah. But yeah, you guys have been well-behaved. Anyone have anything they'd like to plug? Yeah, tell them where they can find you online. You can follow me on Twitter at David D. Comedy. And this is very niche, but I started a Chicago Cubs podcast. That's awesome. Oh, fun. So if you're a Cubs fan or baseball fans out there, check it out.

It's called the Cubby Contingent Podcast. You can listen to it on iTunes or SoundCloud. Hopefully a couple of our guys will come over because we used to have a sports podcast on the network. Oh, there you go. We used to have a lot of things, didn't we? Yeah, we used to have a network, too. It's brand new. We just went through our spring training. We're figuring out it's going to be great.

Nice. You can find me, as always, at Keith Tells Jokes on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, what have you. Friday, March 31st, I will be at the Arena in Simi Valley with Mr. Tom Goss. And I will also be later that night at Gangbusters at the Clubhouse in Hollywood. And April 18th, come on out to the Mean Boys Live show at Harvell's in Long Beach. It's going to be a lot of fun. More details to be announced very soon. Indeed.

The day this comes out, I'll be headlining the Thorn Street Brewery in San Diego with Mr. Tom Goss as my escort. And this weekend, I will be doing some guest spots at the House of Comedy in Minneapolis while I'm in town. And the weekend after that, April 3rd, I'm headlining my house in San Diego. That's always

a fun time. Come out if you're in the area. Mean Boys San Diego Contingency. And then the weekend after that, very excited that I will be performing at a comedy club that used to be in a pie place but is now in a bar. Check out JR's Comedy Club in Valencia. And on Saturday, I'll be at the Broke LA Comedy Festival on April 8th. And I will be seeing Green Day. So I had to drop out of that festival.

That is the least grown-up thing I've ever done in my life. Indeed. All right, that's about it for the show this week guys Fuck everything God is dead God is dead