Mean Boys - EP 54 - Tarantula Teeth (feat. Kim Congdon & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: April 4, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Hell’s Box Seat” and a game of “Which of the Following” with creeps that follow Kim Congdon on Twitter. Video for Hell’s Box Seat: https://youtu.be/JOjvBAoDDes?t=5m22s Listen to Tom’s new podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-told-you-that/id1197690915?mt=2 Follow our guest Tom Goss on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Follow our guest Kim Congdon on Twitter: twitter.com/kimberlycongdon Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (http://wwww.eataburrito.com) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. Hey everybody. We got a great episode for you this week. Kim Congan with special guest drunk Tom Goss sitting in. Yeah,

super drunk Tom Goss who fell off the bed onto his face shortly after recording this. Indeed he did. Tom has a new podcast called Who Told You That? for which I designed a fantastic podcast art. You can check that out in the iTunes store. It's him talking about conspiracy theories with a guest. And if you don't want to listen to that,

I don't want you listening to this show. I've done an episode so far as this, Connor. It is very fun. It's a good time. It's pure Tom. A couple quick announcements. If you have any questions or any things you need advice about or anything like that, any general queries or messages to relay to us, please email us, memeboyspodcast at gmail.com.

I often forget to mention that. We've got a live Meme Boys coming up. April 18th at Harbell's in Long Beach. Yep. Details about that forthcoming this week. Stay tuned to the Meme Boys Twitter feed to get some more information on that. We are sponsored, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Visit eataborito.com for more information.

Yep. Best Mexican food money can buy. And other than that, I think that's it. Yeah. Check out Kim Congdon on Twitter and whatnot and enjoy this. Oh, no sketches this episode because we actually recorded a lot more other stuff and we decided to just leave it as is. Yeah, just a fun, just a conversational Mean Boys. There's a Hell's Box.

See the link for that. It's in the show notes. If you're missing our one funny sketch and one bad one every week, they'll be back next week. Yep, sure will. hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast without pain you'd feel nothing i'm connor mcspadden i'm keith carey i'm kim congan and i'm Kim Congdon. And I'm... Shockingly still alive. That's accurate. Tom, who has been on this show almost as many times as I have. Still baffling doctors.

Your organs are just all shaped like question marks. You should be on the front page of the National Enquirer every week. Just still here. I wasn't allowed to talk about this outside because I had to wait until we we got on the air uh i took tom to ikea for the first time well no i took you to ikea okay semantics the point is we went to ikea and literally before we got out of the parking lot he was reacting like a child being taken to disneyland he was just like it's so magical no it was it is a fucking lame disneyland of ooft and goofed. It is the fucking babysitter at a goddamn store. His exact quote about the parking lot was. They have a babysitter?

Yes. They have a whole network of dropping your kids. They don't have a whole network. They got one room with one sad fat lady who signs your baby in. Yeah, that's more care than most children get in the world, like this country. No, it's not. I know. My parents' style of babysitting

was sit on the chair until we come back. How did that work out? Great. Still alive, as you said. Well, you make a strong and stupid point. Did you eat at Ikea? No. The food's bomb.

That's the only reason to go. Dude, we didn't even get to make a meatball run. When we were walking around, at a certain point, it was just Tom looked overwhelmed. He looked like somebody who had seen too much art and needed to lay down. How does a furniture... By the way, Meatball Run is the movie about Tom trying to escape from Ikea in the future.

No, like, it was just crazy to me that a furniture store has that great parking. It has the best parking in L.A. It's, like, just an underground parking lot. Yeah. With available spots. Just the... I have Tom around. It's like having a dog or like a special needs kid because he adds perspective to your life. Because I'll come out to the porch and be like, oh, the sun's out today.

And I'm like, you know what it is. Sorry, you neglect the sun, Connor. Fucking gump truck. Clearly, look at me. Gump truck. Welcome Kim Congdon to the podcast normally this is when we just shit on the guest for a while but Tom is here

let's focus on Tom more Kim had to park her car 19 times I did we have through the very narrow gate through which we somehow navigate yeah watching her try to pull in that gate was that remember that scene in Austin Powers where he's got to move the little fucking cart in reverse? It was like that, but somehow

less funny. And Keith was so unhelpful he was just smoking and staring. What did you want me to do? I was like, yeah, a fucking car doesn't fit there. Even your roommate was doing this thing when he came out. Yeah, but that didn't mean anything. Am I good? Yeah, the ham thing didn't mean anything. Yeah, you're right.

He was just trying to pretend he was useful. You're right. Keith is the teamster of the house. Yeah, I'm like, I'm off the clock, honey. I'm getting paid double time. All right, yeah, just fucking do whatever with your dumb car. Aren't you, like, afraid of steering wheels or something? Why don't you drive?

Dude, I feel like a lot of fat people are scared to drive. I don't know what that is. As far as I know, it's not. No, I've known, everybody I've known that's been scared to drive. I don't know what that is. As far as I know, it's not. No, I've known... Everybody I've known that's been scared to drive has never been skinny. This is an interesting theory. That is interesting. I get panic attacks when I drive because I'm afraid I'm going to kill

a kid. Okay. Yeah. In other words... Or eat one. I'm very fat. He's a little bitch. Why kids specifically? Because they're little and breakable. i mean so are people when you're in a car well yeah i i do get a bit nervous when i'm outside of middle school and there's just like you know like 14 year olds like playing shove and be dumb you know on the corner yeah you're

holding your meaningless lives in my hands and like you know i don't care about those necessarily so much as the insulin when you're driving by you're driving by, you're like rock hard, too. Well, yeah, of course. You a pedophile. Well, that's a drop. You fuck kids, kids, kids. Oh, indeed I do. You nailed me, gang. How did you feel about the inside of

Ikea, Tom? It was so pointless. We're going to put 19 goddamn turns for 10 feet, and there's so many bedrooms. It was ridiculous. It's a furniture store. Yeah, there wasn't even any swords to garnish your basement. Well, the thing that really freaked me out was when there were couches on the fucking wall. This is the funniest thing.

We walk into Ikea, and the first thing Tom sees is a bike that's just like on a mount so you can't ride around the store. And he just goes, oh, yeah, I could ride this around in my basement for exercise. I'm like, Tom, it's not an exercise bike. But that is a real thing. In Ikea, the first thing you tried to buy was a thing that was not for sale. Oh, my God. That is a real thing.

There are little things. Exercise bikes are real, but you can't just fucking peewee Herman one together with spare parts. Well, yes you can. My dad has one. Your dad has you too. Around the world in 80 days, the queen herself will drop the flag.

I'll make an exercise bike out of cinder blocks. Loose spaghetti. And you yourself will eat your words. All right, I'm just going to drink. Well, Tom's drunk and mad at Swedes. I think we're all fired up. Yeah, let's get into the Mexican joke-off game. Oh, fuck.

Ay, so topical. All right. I've been really dreading this, and I don't know why I care if I don't do good. Yeah, because you won't. Thanks for that nice subtle neg on our listenership. I don't really care if I bomb in front of whatever 914 losers listen to. Yeah, the people who listen don't really know what good is anyway. It's okay, Kim.

By the way, Kim, plug your show. My show? Anyway, detectives in Redding, California, have found a leg attached to a cinder block in a local lake. Authorities are unsure if this is related to a recent missing persons report or just another one of Tom Goss' abandoned art projects. Oh, you're supposed to, like, shit on each other? Well, you want. Yeah, they're not all going to be that.

I wrote one last week that shit on you, and I had to change it abruptly, and it wasn't as good. Why? Well, because you weren't here. Oh, can you use it now? Yeah, Connor, do it now. You might pop up at some point in this. All right, I'm ruining the flow.

All right, I'm next. A man who struck his wife with a frying pan is on the run from authorities. Police are on the lookout for the culprit, wife-beater-y coyote. Okay, all right.

All right. It's my turn now? Yeah. Okay. All right, this is really hacky. The Carolina Tar Heels just won the national championship. When asked how they did it, they said, we're athletes. We don't take no for an answer.

Oh, because they're rapists. Tom doesn't have jokes. I was just going to call it commentary. Oh, does Tom have jokes? I don't. What? Oh, you don't have jokes? Tom.

No. I fucking just wrote some under high pressure i and i was driving me too i was driving and writing oh yeah i drove and wrote too okay well you guys should have told me you wanted me to bring i was told not to bring jokes oh i didn't i didn't i didn't i mean no you were told you didn't have to you were not told not to well that's the same to me fair enough uh any who's iconic pro wrestler the undertaker is retired at last week's wrestler mainer after a 20 year plus career he says he was looking forward to several weeks of retirement before running out of money and putting on an

awkward one-man show on off nights at comedy clubs until his spine turns all the way to dust in like three years that is a very specific target audience for that joke yeah there's just people that look at the flapper's calendar a lot and, you know, feel bad for Jake the Snake Roberts. Jake the Snake. A horse was rescued after following in... A horse was rescued after falling into an

underground well. When asked for comment, the horse simply said, nay. They're not all ISIS fellas. Alright, you want hacky, I got hacky. Oh, we do. The Ringling Brothers Circus is coming to an end and being replaced with Adult Entertainment Circus. All the clowns come in one car. Oh.

Wait, is Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey? No, that's Barnum and Bailey. No, I think they are one thing now. Oh, they are? They're related to P.T. Barnum. Oh. I just heard former podcast producer Ramsey Bedawi cackle in his room. Ramsey, can we explain why that's so funny?

Ramsey, come in here. Sit in here for a second. Come on. This is adding to the list of people that Tom is related to, including John Brown, the guy that started the Civil War. Sir Francis Drake, who's first captain to go all the way around the world. First captain to go all the way to the end of that sentence. I'm also related to a dude who was sent to boarding school,

which ended up being a child slave shop, shut it down, and then hitchhiked, became a cowboy on his way to freedom. And all the bears. Yeah, and at the end of that time, Tom told me that story. He said to his mom and dad, quote, fuck you, I'm a cowboy now. Later. He is? He was 12.

Yeah, Tom's original last name is Sherb, which honestly, it seems like just... Don't tell them how to find me. I can't even find you when you're my best friend. I just hear pots and pans in the kitchen at one in the morning, and I come out and see you cooking spaghetti with shoelaces and shit, making you wear fucking hobo pasta. Anyway. I'm sorry, I don't have your fancy pants, Connor. Yeah, you just ruined my fancy pants.

Fancy pants. Senate Democrats have the necessary 41 votes to filibuster Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch. In light of the news, Brazzers has been forced to shelve its Merrick Garland cuckold porn parody. He's fucking America while you guys have to watch Merrick Garland. A new study shows that passengers on commercial flights are at a 50% higher risk of contracting airborne diseases. That percentage goes up to 85% if Kim Congdon queefs in coach. Dude. I queef in coach. Dude. I queef in...

No, you queef in coach. You're right. You queef on a greyhound, bitch. I queef on spirit. You queefed in business class once and now you think you're hot shit. That's funny. All right. China just came out with hotels specifically where you can learn the experience of hooking up with Asian men,

proving that people are looking for love in all the Wong places. I like you adapted one of your tweets from the other day. I was like looking through my tweets like, what can I use? Not that one. That's what we learned. Tom, is it more rum and coke or is that coffee? No, that's rum and coke. Okay.

It probably shouldn't look like coffee. That's just water. It's in a coffee mug. It looks like grainy. Well, that's because it's dirty on the outside of the cup. Well, that's because he found the mug outside. Thank you, Kim. I watched him pick it up from outside around the office.

From my coffee earlier. Okay. Yeah, I let Tom borrow one of my mugs outside around the office. From my coffee earlier. Okay. Yeah, I let Tom borrow one of my mugs, and now it looks like a raccoon died in it. No, this is my mug. No, I'm talking about my mug, the one I got at a comedy festival. And I was like, yeah, you can use my mug if you clean it. And then I come back, and it's got like a weird... That was me.

Oh, that was you? Yeah. Get your fat guys straight. I'm the straight one. Okay. The fucking The arms race To the Who's gonna make

The half a fag joke You guys don't have arms Really Or stubs You've got like Or deraces Alright You've got tentacles

With joints in them What race are you in All the bad ones Alright It's the meatball race I'm a little bit of a You're not Swedish right No

You're good Okay A federal judge A little bit of a... You're not Swedish, right? No. You're good. Okay. A federal judge has blocked an Indiana law that would force mothers to look at an ultrasound of their fetus within 18 hours of having an abortion. Anyone who wants to see an underdeveloped baby in Indianapolis will have to come see me at Morty's Comedy Joint the last weekend of June.

You fucker. Should be great shows, guys. What's the date? Whatever the last weekend you fucker should be great shows guys what's the dates uh the last whatever the last weekend is in june i don't know correct the plug in the joke it's correct it's the last weekend i wanted to get fans out there if here's the thing doesn't have fans if you don't have the problem solving skills to find out what the last weekend in june is i don't want you in my show how's that sound all right all right well, you just fucking isolated a lot of people in Indiana. I've been there. Colorado police have arrested nine suspects in connection with a bloody double murder.

They say they're looking for a tenth as that'll fill up their punch card and get them a conviction and a free meatball sub. Like at Ikea. Yeah. It's been a meatball heavy episode so far. Kim. Fuck. I'm killing it. You a meatball heavy episode so far Kim Fuck You keep hoping we're gonna forget you I know I'm like meat

Let's get me Alright Get Out Officially made 150 million dollars Box office Jordan Peele You're doing this like that drunk bitch That hosts USA Today.

You know where she just has wine in the third hour. Some weird gypsy curse where Tom keeps drinking and somehow you're getting drunk. I'm trying to make a horror movie reference with the word axed. Are you workshopping this joke? No, let's figure this out.

They have explainably high dollars coming. I don't know. Yeah, he's making a horror movie about an ass-burter. When Jordan Peele was... No, okay. Fucking Tom didn't write one, so... Are you fucking narc? I'm doing as well as if I had written ten.

You're doing better than any of us. Yeah. Tom, by the way, is sitting on his stool, because we couldn't find a chair, and he's like, what is this, some kind of midget table? No, Tom, it the way, is sitting on his stool because we couldn't find a chair. And he's like, what is this, some kind of midget table? No, Tom, it's a stool. And then, yeah, he's all fired up.

A new study shows that more and more rural Americans are turning to disability as it becomes harder to find work. A lawyer for one such person has said in his defense that by living in Alabama, his client is geographically retarded. Oh, my God. alabama his client is geographically retarded oh my god that's what the more i travel these places more i'm like you know i'm really doing you guys a favor by you know bringing my la brain out here like you know this is i felt that way a lot of places not arkansas arkansas is great people don't understand how great you're not doing anyone a favor by bringing your brain there no i i had to follow tom in arkansas and it was... They get me. It was the most my dick had ever gotten kicked into my life. It was like a Sons of Anarchy-ass bar. Yeah, so the hell got a few more angels that day.

He really rocked the house. Apparently, I'm that bar owner's favorite comic. I think it was Fadeville. Yeah, Fadeville, Arkansas. It's great. They paint buildings there, like graffiti style. They do that a lot of places? Yeah, but they have a festival. Echo Park, that is arguably the world capital of, like graffiti style. They do that a lot of places? Yeah, but they have a festival.

You live in Echo Park. That is arguably the world capital of painting buildings graffiti style. Okay, but they do it real cool in Lafayette. Or Faye. I don't know the places. I liked you wherever I was. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Tom.

Okay. All right. One child is dead and seven more are injured after swimming in a toxic pool at a hotel. There's a bunch of punchlines here. Motel 6, more like Motel 6 feet under. Hilton, more like Kilton. Marriott, more like Barry a lot. Newark County.

Hotel. Suck a bag of cocks, okay? I enjoyed it. I'm trying to have fun. I'm trying to have mirth in have mirth i liked it all right let's hear kim's thing all right there's gonna be great this is gonna be a strong one this is the last one this is gonna be uh there's a man complaining that he wants lgbt lgbt people the lgbt community to give the rainbow back to god and god said no you. They can have it. They already have AIDS.

All right. Yeah, take that, gay people. AIDS, AIDS, get it? I mean, they do generally, yes. Yeah. Do you have diseases, Keith? No. Not that I'm aware of.

Fuck yeah. Anybody else got a stent? Yeah. No, no diseases for me no i mean i had that flesh-eating disease but i'm good now weird thing on my balls but it's not like a disease sorry what weird thing on my balls but it's not a disease what is it i don't know it's your dick there it is the mean boys will be right back and the mean boys podcast returns uh with the return of a segment we haven't done in quite a while. This is Hell's Box Seat.

Yeah. Yeah. Featured this week is a video that a good friend of mine, Nathan Camp, showed me from a series, spin-off of Bumfights, which is how you know it's going to be good, called Felony Fights. Kim, have you ever seen this? No, but I've seen a Bumfight. Okay, so you get the idea.

This is so much... Basically, what Felony Fights is, is they take two random losers and they make them just beat the fucking piss out of each other. For an amount of money that is definitely not enough yeah right and usually it's people that make sense the participants in this one are a little baffling so we're

gonna hit play on this motherfucker the link to the video will be in the show notes feel free to watch along gang and let's take a look we're starting at 5 minutes and 22 seconds yeah We're starting at five minutes and 22 seconds. Yeah. All right, we're seeing some establishing shots of this first gentleman. His name is Straight Jacket. Who the fuck is this? That's Straight Jacket.

We see on the screen here, he's named Straight Jacket. Sorry, that was such so inside. Straight Jacket, who looks prison gay. He, yeah, is mostly just tattoos he looks terrifying like this guy wanted to be one of Jesse's friends in Breaking Bad sorry

his eyes are just wrong like they're like all black like a shark. This is like VHS quality transferred to YouTube, and you can still see like swirling demon hellish pools in there. Oh, my God. No, no. Are you serious? For the listeners at home,

Straightjacket said just the craziest fight he'd ever been in is when he bit off his first nose. First nose. Very important detail. Nose number one. I wish he had them around his neck, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like even if you consent to sex with this guy, it's still considered rape.

Indeed. He looks like if Vladimir Putin did crack in Modesto for a year. He's wearing those shorts that you can only buy if you've been to prison. He's like Mr. Clean got hepatitis. Yeah.

Now what man could possibly have to confront straight jacket in the ring? I mean. Who was the bad guy in power? By the way, we're missing the part where they asked it. So he's going to be fighting with kendo sticks. We missed the part where he goes, yeah, I really just like to fight with metal. I mean, Mr. Cleans made a lot of mistakes. Like he has felonies and stuff. But the worst thing he did was wear Janko jeans. Here we go. I mean, Mr. Cleans made a lot of mistakes. He has felonies and stuff, but the worst thing

he did was wear Janko jeans. Here's his opponent. Alright, we're seeing him. Fucking Dennis! No, dude! Dennis has the squarest head. Kim, describe Dennis to the audience. Dennis literally just left his mom's house.

And he is supposed to be home right now. Dennis' head is shaped like the house Squidward lives in. No, Dennis looks like he lives with a single dad who dates his ex-girlfriend. Dennis looks like Skinny Jonah Hill. Dennis looks like he sells nunchucks to middle

schoolers. Dennis looks like a middle schooler. Dennis looks like his hairline was drawn with a Sharpie. Yeah. He looks like he'd brag about his Pokemon Go level. And I brag about my Pokemon Go level. And they're doing their best to make him look tough, but he still looks like his name is Dennis. Yeah, he just said he's not a big fan of biting and shit.

He thinks that's for bitches. He looks too comfortable with the kendo sword. He's also wearing one of those things under his t-shirt that keeps you cool or hot. Oh, yeah. What are those called? I gotta figure that's just covering up some tattoos he did himself or a lack of muscle tone. All right, now we're in the parking. Here we go.

Straightjacket is... Straightjacket's gonna. Here we go. Straightjacket is... Straightjacket's gonna fuck this dude up. Straightjacket is just jumping around. Oh, my God. And he has unleashed himself upon Dennis with the fury of a... Is this a joke? This is for real.

No, this happened. First of all, Dennis is fighting in jeans. Yeah. By the way, this happened for an amount of money that is less than what I have in my bank account right now, which is not a lot. I want to know how much money. And Strayjack is doing like some Darth Maul sword twirling here and there. Yeah.

Oh, what the fuck? Okay. Okay, Strayjack's like tapping the ground to distract him. Yeah, he's trying to be... And Dennis is just holding his sword, like hoping it starts fighting for him. Dennis is going to get fucked up really soon. I can tell by his lack of protecting himself. Could go either

way. I like Dennis' spirit. I mean, yeah, Dennis is not back in as soon as I saw a straight jacket, I'd be like, I'm out. Well, Dennis did not know who's straight jacket was. It looks like after this fight, they're both going to hop on four wheelers and leave. Yeah. The winner gets to keep sleeping in this park Yeah, Dennis is dressed like the guy

That wasn't good enough at rapping to make it into D12 He's D13 He looks like he's trying to wear a long tee Okay, so straightjacket has grabbed the kendo stick Oh no And now Dennis is unarmed. Okay, no. Straight Jacket.

He's just hit him with a fucking handle. Now he's basically getting spanked. Oh, now they're fighting, fighting. Straight Jacket has... Now they're on the ground. Here's where shit gets buck nasty. Yeah. He's growling like a caged horse.

Oh, my gosh. Is this guy from Florida? Probably. I don't know where else he's from. This man is Florida. Yeah. Don't is Florida. Yeah. Don't bite me, motherfucker. No biting, motherfucker.

Dennis is from Lake Elsinore, California. That was covered in the opening. God, what a shit place. Yeah. Okay. Straightjacket's closing in. He's got him in the hole. Oh, there goes the bite. He's biting him.

Some good video editing where they add a little reverb on the bite. I mean, he's really eating this guy. Yeah. Yeah. The punch seems superfluous. Okay, that's against the rules. Look at that. Oh, my God.

That is a massive crackhead-shaped tooth bite on Dennis. Dennis needs braces. No, the other guy needs braces. You can see how uneven his teeth are. I'm just amazed straight jacket has that many teeth. Holy fuck, he just smiled. That's creepy. What if straight jacket was like on death row and his last meal he requested Dennis?

Fucking eat part of my butt, motherfucker. Where do you think Straightjacket and Dennis are now? Dead. I think Dennis is probably managing the last blockbuster. I think Dennis is stealing scratch-offs from one of his friends somewhere. I think Dennis is definitely dead. I think

Straightjacket went straight and is like a Jesus guy now. Oh, he looks like he would. Oh, yeah. And like carry around Red Bulls all the time. Yeah, he hangs out too much at some like surfer church and fucking like Redondo Beach. I think optimistically Dennis is like working like stock like night shift at like a retail place. I think you were

onto something when you almost accidentally said Denny because I think that's what he's called now. I know I've met too many people who look like called now. I know I've met too many people who look like Strayjacket. I've met too many people that look like Dennis. Strayjacket looks like all of my fake uncles when I was growing up. But for the listeners, those are the people that sold

Keith's mom drugs. That's correct, yes. And Dennis just kind of looks like me. Well, that's the hell's box seat everybody that was fun yeah uh yeah enjoy enjoy that some good and go down the felony fights rabbit hole and by the way if anybody has a connection to dennis's straight jacket out there please get a hold of him because we want to interview them if in the future this podcast blows up i i will fly dennis out from fucking what if to fight him would you oh i would fight if... To fight him, would you? Oh, I would fight Dennis, for sure.

No. Tom, would you fight Straightjacket? How much money? How would we be able to tell who wins? Say a number, and I'll tell you if it seems reasonable. Oh, I don't like this game. That sounds good. Oh, shit.

Well, they got paid like 50 bucks in like one sniff of meth or whatever. In a case of NOS energy drink. Can we offer you $1,000 to fight Shea Jacket? I'd say $5,000. $5,000? I didn't say we were negotiating. I said we'd offer you $1,000. How quick would I get the cash?

Cash is right in front of you. Do I get more if I win? Yeah, you get $500 if you lose. You only get the $1,000 if you win. I'd have to take $1,000 minimum. Okay, $1,000 if you lose, $1,500 if you win. Yeah, I like that. Okay, plus $500 if you're filming it.

What? No. That's the whole point. No, no, no. This is my rider. Is that what they call those? Yes. Okay, that's my rider. Yeah, that thing call those? Yes. Okay, that's my rider.

Yeah, that thing you'll never have. That is correct. This is a question that was posed to me by the person that introduced me to this video. How much money would it take for you to eat a live tarantula? Oh, shit. A live one? A live tarantula, like the size of the palm of your hand. They're very big.

Yeah. I have better food than that. It's not poisonous, right? No, no, it's not poisonous. You're going to be fine. It's very rough to eat. But it's alive. It's hairy. Yeah. I have better food than that. It's not poisonous, right? No, no, it's not poisonous. You're going to be fine. It's very rough to eat. But it's alive. It's hairy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thick. There's like a big butt. You're going to cook it. You're going to bite it and it's going to like pop in your mouth like all that shit. Yeah. $250. $250?

That's the lowest answer. You're the nastiest motherfucker I've ever sat next to in my life. And I'm from Florida. And she's sitting next to me. Yeah, and I'm next to Tom. Yeah, Keith. If you've seen Keith's teeth, it looks like he eats tarantulas on the regs. I think I was up there like...

I'm sure you've put worse in your mouth for less money, Kim. I've put worse in my mouth for free. Probably. The guy named Tarantula is Straightjacket's cousin. All right. Mean Boys will be right back ladies and gentlemen the Mean Boys podcast returns it is time to close up the show

as we always do with our favorite segment a round of the game that's called which of the following yeah you got lost on the way there which one well that's the new theme song that is 100% the new theme song Which one?

Well, that's the new theme song. That is 100% the new theme song. This week's reaction. Which one? Okay. I didn't think it could get any higher. Oh, I can go higher than that. Can we get much higher?

Way higher. Nobody needs that in their ears. Stop. I beg of you now. Fine. Don't put your microphone down. You've got commentating to do. This week's round is which of the following is not a creepy Twitter account that follows Kim Congdon?

That's so funny. As we know, Kim Congdon is a woman on the internet, which is not a great place to be one of those. And she is attractive adjacent, so she pulls them off. Oh, you're getting up in your tarantula teeth. I caught some shit, and Papa Bear's a little feisty. He probably has some real weird followers. I have not seen these, but I am excited to hear. So, yeah, Kim, I'll have you answer last on the off chance that you remember any one of these gentlemen.

So let's begin. Round number one. Which of the following is not a real Kim Congdon follower? A, at TommyBiscuits1. B, at MiskPornStar. C, at ButtFanatic, spelled with a P-H. Or D, at StickyToes. Oh, that means one of those last two is a real thing.

Misk? Misk? I've never heard a more forced laugh. Am I allowed to ask? If someone is trying to figure out how they can hide their address from Google. Am I allowed to ask Kim a question? Sure. Have you ever shown your feet at a show?

Not at a show. I'm going to say D. Okay. Can I get the spelling on misc? M-I-S-C. Yeah, that one. What were the last two? Butt Fanatic with a P-H and Sticky Toes.

I think it's Sticky Toes. I'm actually changing. I'm with you. I'm changing to Butt Fanatic. I'm with you. And Tom, your answer? A, I was the first to say Sticky Toes. Never trusted him.

All right, the fake one is C, butt fanatic with a P. I knew the first two. Oh, you did? Yeah, I remember those. All right. Moving on. This round, special all unnecessary creepy underscore edition. A, at Larry underscore lotion.

Oh. B, at Diego underscore paradise. C, at Poppy underscore groovy or d at pancakes underscore perry fuck these are what was a again a was larry underscore lotion see that seems very florida to me so i think that one's real these all seem pretty Florida And D again? D was pancakes underscore Perry Ah fuck That sounds like a character from a really bad sketch On this show

Yeah it does That'll be inexplicably popular Hey your sketch was great dammit Alligator Dave returning soon Alligator Dave don't care about nothing What was B again? B was Diego underscore Paradise. That one.

See, I believe that one. I feel like a lot of guys named Diego like Kim. I don't know. You're not wrong. I feel like guys named Diego, they wear like wife beaters and are kind of an asshole, but a good guy at the end of the day. That seems like your whole shit. They think they can fight straight jacket, but they won't show up.

Diego Paradise is just straight jacket with his shit together. There's no way Diego Paradise doesn't like Pitbull either. What if Diego Paradise is straight jacket now? How you said he was converted. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. By the way, I'm tagging all of these people

when this comes out. Diego Paradise lost. C, one more time? C was poppy groovy I'm gonna say C Kim I'm gonna say A A Larry Lotion

yeah cause it sounds like it seems too Floridian well to me it sounds like something a guy would make up if he was trying

to make up a Twitter handle yeah but also guys guys do that to stalk comedians that are female such as yourself

to be creepy as fuck. That's true. Alright, well, the fake one is A, Larry Lotion. Damn it. Back in her own game. Fuck yeah. Hey, she's been dealing with fucking creeps on the internet for years now, I mean, you know. I'm a pretty creep pro now. What's the creepiest thing

anyone's ever done? If it's funny, if it's not funny. Oh, I mean, yeah, I mean it never is really super funny when it's creepy, yeah, I mean, it never is really super funny when it's creepy, but... I mean, it could be to us. There was one... There was... Tom!

There was a guy that showed up to the comedy store and, like, was very weird and then when I was leaving at, like, 3 a.m., I watched him

hide in a bush and watch me leave. Jeez. Okay. Oh, my God. okay well it could be funny to someone else that's not super hilarious right yeah as a guy who has a girlfriend is a female comedian that is fucking terrifying oh it's same yeah the funniest creepy thing move the mic up a little bit if you could the the the I just moved myself down uh getouch, get down here with us. The funniest creepy thing.

I don't know. I guess just like there's really nothing funny that's creepy. Jacking off is like not funny. Name the Jackie Moth story. When I got announced as bisexual. Pretty self-explanatory. Like was he in the crowd during the show? No, just videos people send.

Okay. It's fun to be a tourist in that world. When they said I was bisexual on TV, I had a couple dudes slide into the DMs with their forced pickup lines like, hey, you're really funny for a bisexual wing. And I'm like, all right, block. I get so much unsolicited,

just secret suburban dad dick in my inbox now. And I'm like... Oh, like people... Yeah, well, because I was on TV as bisexual. So yeah, I'm like, okay, and here come the ladies. And I'm like... Oh, like people... Yeah, well, because I was on TV as, like, bisexual. So, yeah, I'm like, okay, and here come the ladies. And I never show up. Oh, yeah, it's like,

I'll tear your butthole apart like this will do to my family. Just some dude in a straight jacket trying to fuck you. Not that straight jacket. Okay, moving on. Round number three.

Okay, bi-jacket. All super fucking dumb edition. A, at Fart Blasters with a Z at the end. B... That makes it sound like it's a Chuck E. Cheese type attraction. It super fucking dumb edition. A, at Fart Blasters with a Z at the end. B. That makes it sound like it's a Chuck E. Cheese type attraction. It's a laser tag. Oh, man.

Fart Blasters didn't give you any tickets. It's bullet. I'm playing whack-a-mole. B, at Feed King Tubby. I love that name. Was that feet or feed? Feed King Tubby. That's fucking powerful.

Yeah. That's so good. I know you didn't write it. Oh! Baking soda! I like baking soda! You like baking and soda, Tom. I do. Especially with Coke.

You like pastries and high fructose. Bacon soda! I put bacon in my soda. I ate a whole container of macaroni and cheese today. I believe that. Thank you. That's the beginning of your version of Hurt by Johnny Cash.

I ate some mac and cheese. See if I still poop. I focused on the stove. Okay. It won't come out, my chute. What have we done?

Don't ever call your colon a chute again. It is a food chute. You tell me otherwise. Wow. Sorry you're here, Kim. No, it's okay. I was just about to apologize. I'm sorry she is. No, yeah, it's okay I was just about to apologize sorry she is

no yeah it's okay I mean I won't come back she left her body a segment and a half ago yeah yeah yeah we've only had if you want to do my podcast just

no I'm kidding we've only had three and a half female guests and it's partly because I just feel bad about her who was the half Olivia was only halfway here

was she drunk or something? No, no, no. The joke is that Robin Tran has a penis. Oh, I love you, Robin. Check out her special. It's going to be great. Robin's the funniest person ever. She's so fucking funny.

Anyway, C, at Top Grandma. I forgot A and B. Or D, at Max Skellington. Okay, I think Max Skellington followed me and then unfollowed me. Good hold on to the important... How do you remember Max Skellington doing this? When you have one one-hundredth of the Twitter followers you have, you can keep track of them easier. I fucking...

I hate that Nightmare Before Christmas movie. Fucking bullshit. What's it called again? What's bullshit about it, Tom? Oh, everyone loved it and had fucking purses. I saw it's in claymation, which first off freaks me the fuck out. Oh, that's but Tom's one of his only fears is claymation. Yeah, I'm not afraid of heights or driving like Keith.

And I'm not. Throw me under the bus that I don't want to drive. You know, I said that being scared of driving was like a fat guy thing, and I changed my mind. Being scared of claymation is fucking intense. What made you scared of it? I think... I think it's probably what he ate

when he was a kid to make him like this. Fuck that. I'm afraid of claymation. Clay is delicious. It is salty. Thank you. It's good. Okay, so Fart Blasters, Feed King Tubby, Top Grandma, or Max Skellington?

Top Grandma is my guess. Yeah, I want to go to... What was B? B was Feed King Tubby. I love that shit. That's too complex for you. A? A is Fart Blasters. I don't like how sassy you guys get with that shit. I'm too complex for you. A? A is fart blasters.

I don't like how sassy you guys get with that shit. I'm gonna go with A. It's very simple. It might be A or it might be A. You two are going C. I'm going A. Hang on. I'm gonna change my mind. I'm gonna go feed King Tubby. Okay, Kim, are you sticking with C? Yeah. If it was feed King

Tubby, I'd go with it. But go ahead. Alright, the fake one is Top Grandma. Oh. Shit. Yeah. If it was Feed King Tubby, I'd go with it. But go ahead. All right. The fake one is Top Grandma. Oh. Shit. Yeah. Okay. Fuck all of you. I was trying to give you credit for writing a good one.

Yeah. No. And that's where you went wrong. I am not very good at this game. I hate and insist on hosting most weeks. I don't think grandmas like him. Feed King Tubby is a really good name. Yeah.

Yeah. No. I mean, he follows you or she follows you. You know, you're getting your demographic. What's up, feed? What's up, feed? All right. Okay, Tubbs.

Round number four, all creepy sex edition. Oh, God. A, at yay masturbation. B, at sniffer panties, spelled S-N-I-F-F-U-R, then the word panties. C, at Ace Cunnilingus, Cunnilingus spelled with an A instead of a U for that second U. Or D, at Spandex Hamster. That's not very sexual. I'm saying D.

It's kind of cute. I mean, a hamster in yoga pants does not keep go to the front page of reddit and live there for a month see that's him trying to trick you you're working out really hard on that wheel and they're playing like intense fucking james it's a thing called riffing it's what people that aren't you do look i anti-riff if you guys don't want to anti-riff you do your own thing i'm gonna do my thing all right don't don't you like sassy black lady, sice that. Anti-riff. Like you just hit a deep line in a poem

and you're like, mmm. Oh, lord, he anti-riff. Oh, Ty Riff, his cousin. I gave my number. I don't care. Number D. Number D. Okay. Kim. Oh, wait, no. Keith. Ty Riff sounds like the name. Okay, never mind. Very quickly. One more time.

Yay masturbation, sniffer panties, ace cunnilingus, or Spandex Hamster? Sniff your panties. Yeah, I'm going Sniff Your Panties, too. Oh, I thought that was Sniffer Panties. Anyway, it's fake. It's Spandex Hamster. Oh, damn. Yeah.

Oh, you know, I remember the first one. Oh, remember when you guys made fun of me? Yay Masturbation. Yay Masturbation. Yeah, that one tweets me, I think. Yay. Oh, you know, I remember the first one. Oh, remember when you guys made fun of me? Yay masturbation? Yay masturbation? Yeah, that one tweets me, I think. Yay. Is that a creepy one? I don't know.

A lot of it's bad. If you couldn't get through coming up with a name on Twitter before you were like, I like sex. You're probably not a great dude. Yeah. Man. All right, moving on to the final round. All real or all fake? A. At Queefer Madness.

B. At Death Squad Carl. C. At Big Money Dwayne. Or D. At 69 Octopus. All real or all fake? All real or all fake. Can I hear it one more time? Queefer Madness. Death Squad Carl. Big Money D more time. Kweefer Madness, Death Squad Carl,

Big Money Dwayne, or 69 Octopus? All real. All fake. All fake. Those are all fake. Oh, man. Sorry, Big Money Dwayne.

Look, that old... The Death Squad one almost got me. There's a lot of people who do that shit. Yeah, that was the trickery. I knew that was a fake, yeah. There's fucking Death Squad Modesto. it makes no fucking sense to me yeah the cleaver madness is actually my friend janelle from high school just because i think it's a great twitter name janelle was my first girlfriend go fuck yourself probably not the same one yeah i i sincerely doubt it uh that's that's the show

for this week uh we're gonna reach into into the Mean Boys mailbag and see what... We asked people if they needed advice, and we shockingly got real answers. Usually people just like... Tom is stumbling real hard. I love to give advice. Yeah, usually we just get dumb tweets about nothing, but we actually got some fun ones. Oh, I'm excited. So this first question comes from a friend of the show, Dani Fernandez.

She asks, how can you enjoy the level you are at right now instead of constantly comparing yourself to people who are more successful than you? Oh, it's like real ass shit? Yeah. I mean. Damn! There's some dumb ones. I thought it was going to be like, sometimes my pussy itches when I'm working.

Should I scratch it or go into the bathroom? No one with a pussy listens to this show regularly. Go ahead and answer that question, Boris. I think that you wiggle your jeans around until you get a good enough to... Okay. Tom, so how do you be happy with the level you're at? And I'm going to start with you

because you are subterranean. Well, you know, the other mole people get up, but you just got to remember you can see in the light. He can only look up. I actually didn't get that one. I mean, look, there's always going to be someone better than you.

That's true. Very simple. See, that wasn't funny, but fucking real. There you go. I'm going to be honest. I don't do this at all. I'm exclusively... I like to say I'm like if Ian Curtis was also David Letterman.

Who the fuck is Ian Curtis? I'm just very sad and jealous. So I have no idea. Do you guys have any? Keith, what do you think? Yeah, I'm terrible at this. I compare myself to other people around me. Constantly, yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying to do it less. Well, I just want... I say I Asian parent myself. I'm like, I know I can get an A, you know, and I know I could practice my violin harder. See, my thing is always just like, I already think I'm better than everyone. Yeah.

Yeah. You're not going to like my answer. What's the question again? That's too late. We're moving on. Wait, wait. Do they want real advice or do you guys want me to give real advice?

It doesn't matter. I mean, I was being honest. We can be both. Sorry, go ahead. I think literally legitimate advice is if you think you're good enough,

it's not going to matter because we're all going to end up in the same vein of like a place. If you're good at comedy, if you're even just a little bit good at it

and then you work very hard, we're all going to end up in the same. Yeah. Me more than others, but like, you know, the rest of you guys are all going to be in the same. Yeah. Me more than others, but like, you know. The rest of you guys are all going to be

in the same place. There's like... If only I had three freckles I paint on with a mascara brush every morning. Do you want to be jealous of my cute-ass, natural-ass freckles?

Are those natural-ass freckles? Those are some natural-ass freckles. That looks like Orion's belt. They're very well distributed. They're so cute, you thought I painted them on. I thought... Sometimes I don't know

because I feel like they look different on different days. Really? Yeah. You know, they're actually like the same three freckles like this is like a Mexican gang. Really? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

I've seen that. They've stared me down. I've had two people ask me. And then a guy with a seat. Hey, we're the Ron Howard's fool. Diamond Street gang, shout out to you guys that's our local gang in our neighborhood

hey hail Diamond Street they got diamonds painted on everything they're like Pokestops for meth I like to say we're the only house

they haven't tagged I find that offensive no because we're a fucking former crack house we're not gentle we're a current house full of soft bitches oh shit

I've seen that yeah I fucking love Diamond Street because they keep the rent low they're basically just trying to stop people from. Oh, shit. I've seen that, yeah. Yeah, I fucking love Diamond Street because they keep the rent low. They're basically just trying to stop people from building apartment complexes here. So I'm like, yeah, tag away, guys. If they jump me, I'll jump.

I'll fucking join them. Who? Diamond Street gang. I'll join La Vida Loca because I already got the tattoos. Isn't that an energy drink with alcohol in it? What? That's a Four Loco. Thank you.

Moving on. All right. Next question. Next question. Rooney Woolridge asks, how do I get people to give me free shit? Fun story. A fan of the show gave me a free bed today. Yeah.

So, Joe, if you're listening, thank you. I lied. You can't be on the show. But I appreciate the bed. That's hilarious. I think it's to be really charming until they give you the thing and then quickly save your energy for when you need something for free again that's usually my myth

you have to just ask because a lot of people don't ask for shit and I think there's a lot of things you can get by just asking my cousin has a friend who's like a charming fallen Mormon and he'll just go into a store and be like can I have a small cookie for free?

And they're just like, yeah. I mean, he just does that shit constantly, and it just works. Tom? I mean... I don't think you've purchased more than 14 things in your life. Well, I mean, no one gives me... Well, some people give me things.

Most people don't. The technique my sister used... I gave you a sword. You did, and i'm eternally grateful um that's it's like uh like if you save a wookiee's life they got to protect you forever if you give tom goss a sword what my sister would do with the ice cream man is just if she they didn't give her ice cream she just cry and then people would freak out and then she either got free ice cream

or the ice cream man would never show up again. So I'd say cry a lot. Okay. All right. Ryan McCoy asks, do you eat ass? Yes, I eat ass. I also eat ass. It's just the reaction is very satisfying.

Yeah. You know? Tom? I've never, but, you know, Bird, if you're listening, you know, I you know uh bird if you're listening you know i'll think about it if you want me to bird that's what i call my girl call my girlfriend oh i maybe not a good move since your bird just died i had a pet bird and it died right before we had to go to oklahoma she was beautiful it was a great bird. I met Loki. Loki was the shit. One of our roommates, I won't say who, said his New Year's resolutions were to learn to

swim and start eating ass. He's doing both of those things. I know which roommate. Kim, do you eat ass? No, I don't actively eat ass. Do you have ass eaten? I've licked an ass, yes. How do you feel about having your ass licked as a guy? Here's the thing.

It feels good, but not good enough for me to get over how weird it feels that there's someone's doing. I'm like, it's too gross down there. That's how it feels for me. You know what it is? I will never request getting my ass eaten, but if anybody ever offers to eat my ass, I'm 100% down. I always, I get like, if I get too drunk and have sex, I always try to stick my fingers in a guy's ass.

That's fantastic. I'm like notorious for it. I'm not a big fan of that. Yeah, I've made a few men be like, okay, Kim. But I had a girl eat my ass and I'm like, this is just too luxurious. You know what I mean? It's like too nice? It's like I'm driving a Rolls Royce.

I'm just afraid to crash it. Speaking of Tom's bird, Kelly Ryan asks, who would look the worst with a tail out of all of you? Oh, shit. Tom would look the worst with a tail out of all of you? Oh, shit. Tom would look crazy natural with a tail. Tom is a tail away from being Super Mario in the raccoon suit at all times. I think everyone here would look good with a tail. I do, too. I think, Kim, there's definitely Death Squad Carl for sure drew you with a tail and tweeted it at you before you blocked him once.

Yeah, he was a sort of cute minx-y fox just bumming out anime kids. It's between you and me. I think it's me. All three of you look more unnatural with a tail. Keith would look worse with a tail. Oh, that's hurtful. I'm sorry. It's known.

It's probably you look better without one. I just want to be a cute little critter. Only because I could see his being like this tail. Like every time I imagine Connor's tail, it's sashays. Oh, yeah. Tom has a raccoon tail. You have a fox tail. You have a skunk tail, for sure.

I'm not going to use that. Here's a caveat. Yeah, like a long sashaying tail. Like a Saiyan from Dragon Ball Z tail, if you're listening. Keith has a beaver tail. That fits 100%. Dude, I take it back. You look great in a beaver tail because he would for sure like wipe his butt with it yeah no keith beaver tail you one of those dogs that had their like tail cut off but like a

little stub yeah like an audi belly oh i hate bob tail you would like a weird raccoon thing i yeah no i can see you guys all that's all i'm just has a straight up monkey tail. He just has anal beads hanging out of his ass. A good friend of mine, Alfonso Ochoa, who has an e-book called Matchmaster, which is one of the funniest things in the world. Alfonso's fucking great. I love Alfonso. I'd really love to know what syndrome Tom has.

You know, fuck Alfonso. No, what do you mean what syndrome? Alfonso, you know me. Yeah. Whatever one, either black mold or cold turkey antipsychotic withdrawals cause. Besides that, I'm completely sane. What have you been diagnosed with? Just if you want to.

Name something. Carrots. Carrots? I don't know. It just is a thing. I mean, all of all the schizos. Is this true? Yes.

Okay. You're bipolar? That was one time, which means... You were only bipolar one time ever? Only diagnosed with it one time, which means no. Okay. I mostly have delusions, you know? Do you see things?

I have. It's got real and not funny. Oh, I forgot. It's okay. We can talk after. Thanks a lot, Alfonso. This is wild. I got one more from Nathan Camp, author of the Tarantula Question and introducer of the

Felony Fights video. Should you ever get back with an ex, guys? It depends why you broke up. Yeah, I'd say this is a case-by-case basis. introducer of the felony fights video. Should you ever get back with an ex, guys? Ooh. It depends why you broke up. Yeah, I'd say this is a case-by-case basis. And define get back. 99% of the time, no. I like to start a relationship, I'm assuming he means.

It's never gone well for me when I've done it. It's never been good. It's never gone well for me either, but I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic, and obviously I'm in a very happy relationship now, but I think it could work. I mean, I don't know. For me, it's like i would rule it out you always think when you're not in it like that it something could have like you're like oh maybe something just messed up and it could have been good and then you go back and you're like whoa this is why i left this shit yeah i think don't assume that you're a different person unless you actually are or that they are either because i've done that where I'm like, oh, we're so much different now.

And I was like, no. I still hate that stuff you do. Yeah. I think everyone at their core is the same. Even if they become more mature and shit, your core is the same. And at the end of the day, you left your ex because your core is the same. So if you're thinking about going back to your ex. If it was some circumstantial shit.

Fucking save yourself some time. You know, like she's in college and I'm like i'm you know i work on a bee farm uh you know what are you dwight shrews that's an inside joke uh nathan had to work on a bee farm for a while oh yeah yeah but i think you know if it's like some circumstantial shit and not like some like fundamental differences shit. Yeah. Yeah. I was in a relationship once. I broke up with the girl.

We were split up for two months. And then we got back together. And literally the second we officially were like, I guess we're dating again. A voice inside me just went, fuck. And then I dated her for two more years. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I've had that where I've gotten back together with one. And then you break up.

And then I'm just like, oh, I feel like feel like, you know, I'm in a musical now. Like, this is good. Yeah. I'm like swinging on flag posts and shit. I'm like, oh, I forgot. So, yeah, I don't know. Figure it out anyway. All right.

So last question. Back to her or him. Last question for the mailbag. And we can all answer this, but it was directed towards Tom. And I said last because it ties into Tom's new project. What are Tom's thoughts on reality being a computer simulation? Oh, fuck.

I like this one. Go ahead. You go ahead. Oh, I think it for sure is. No, I mean, I feel like there's a great chance that it is. Like, what are the chances that, like, someone in the future

hasn't already figured this shit out and we're just all being... That's crazy, and it's so possible. Yeah, I read this theory then we're just all being that's crazy and it's so possible yeah i read this theory that like everything being so fucking crazy lately like the thing at the oscars and the super bowl and donald trump is all evidence that like the fucking game is glitching and then somebody has to go back and fix the code uh i think i think it's maybe like after you beat the game you know and you're like i i get the civilization running pretty smoothly like i'm sure there's still some child slaves, you know,

getting kinked out. It's like, why not just, you know, they start to kidnap the pizza delivery man in the game of Sims. Like, I used to put him in a room with a raccoon, you know? Yeah, when you like, caught the family on fire on Sims, you're like, this is fun. Yeah, no, you also made some concentration camps?

No. My ex did, and we're not together anymore. Coincidence? Yes. Yeah. This seems like some shit I should have a stronger opinion on. Is this going to come up on your show? Oh, no.

I already have a guest plan for that episode specifically. You can probably tell the people what you're talking about. Okay. I have a new podcast called Who Told told you that which is about conspiracy theories where i tell the history of a conspiracy theory to a guest we fucking riff on it we discuss it and uh the the the world is a simulation is a tricky one for me because that was actually uh as previously uh remarked on by kim was a delusion of mine. But part of me will always believe that this is all a fucking simulation.

On a happier note, check out my podcast. It's very funny. But yeah, no, it's... It's like the Truman Show. Yeah, no, part of me... And also, there are scientists, and this is why I'm not being delusional.

There are scientists that say that it is very possible that we could be in a simulation right now. How great would it be if you killed yourself and then you're just at a LAN party with a bunch of fat dudes that are controlling North Korea? Well, all right, guys. Anyone have anything they'd like to plug, I'll take us away. This weekend, we're going to be at a comedy club That used to be inside a pie shop That is now inside a bar inside Valencia

GR's Comedy Club I'll also be at the Broke LA Comedy Festival Saturday sometime around 9.40 I'll be at the Comixter Belly Room April 11th the day before my birthday And then Friday April 14th I'll be at Peachy Keen at Bar Lubitsch The day after that I'll be at the Comedy Pop-Up at Club Bahia right here in Echo Park,

minutes away from historic Filipino town. Nothing historic or Filipino about it. And on April 18th, we have a live Mean Boys at Harvel's in Long Beach. Look forward to details on that very, very soon. April 11th, I will be at the Comedy Store roast battling Jamar Neighbors, former guest on the show, Current voice in our theme song April 14th I'll be at the Westside Comet Theater In Santa Monica at midnight April

15th I will be at the Upright Citizens Brigade On Franklin at midnight performing in the Tournament of Nerds April 18th live Mean Boys at Harvester Long Beach and then April 20th through the 23rd I will be in Seattle A bunch of fucking places I'll be tweeting all that Out very very soon so keep an eye out for that Fuck yeah alright Tomorrow night I'll be in Seattle. A bunch of fucking places. I'll be tweeting all that out very, very soon. So keep an eye out for that.

Fuck yeah. All right. Tomorrow night I'll be at the Comedy Store roast battling Dan Nolan. That'll be tonight. We drop in the morning. Technically tonight I'll be at the Comedy Store battling Dan Nolan. Come check it out. That'll be great.

Yeah, I'm really excited. It's going to be a great battle. I may or may not have read his jokes today. Did you? Are they good? Strap the fuck in, son. Oh, I'm excited. Fucking two great battlers. It's going to be a great battle. I may or may not have read his jokes today. Did you? Are they good? Strap the fuck in, son. Oh, I'm excited. Fucking two great battlers.

It's going to be awesome. Sweet. And then April 10th through 12th, I'll be in Vegas. I have no idea where. Check that out on Twitter. April 13th, I'll be in San Diego near Hillcrest. Yeah. I have no dates to plugs, but I do have a new podcast I referenced earlier called Who Told You That?

You can catch Tom opening for me when Keith's not available. And if you like conspiracy theories or just weird beliefs, because a lot of them are barely conspiracies, if you've listened to episode one, but are genuinely believed by some people fucking check it out season finale spoiler alert is Tom Goss real because my cousin is like I don't know how you get it where you're talking at the same time

but that's for sure not a real person I've had so many people come up to me at shows who are convinced that you are a character within the Meat Boys universe I am possibly a fucking as real as Rhubarb Rudy, but I promise. Don't be ridiculous. Rhubarb Rudy was

beloved. But I swear to God, I'm a real person, but check it out. Every week, new guests. It's going to be a lot. It's a lot of fun, and you know, Connor has episode two. Keith will be episode, I think, six. It's going to be coming up.

It's going to be a lot of fucking fun. Sorry if I got too drunk on this podcast. I'm sorry. After we sign off, I'm going to teach Tom what stools are. All right. We'll say goodbye. Fuck everything. God is dead.