Mean Boys - EP 56 - Dick Haircut (Live feat. Tom Goss, Kim Congdon & Adam Tod Brown)

Episode Date: April 19, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Porn Comment or Yelp Review", “Tom Lightning Round”, and a game of “Which of the Following” with Harlem Globetrotters. We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (http://eataburrito.com) And by Bouquet in a Box! Go to https://bouquetinabox.com/ and use promo code “meanboys” for 15% off your order! Follow our guest Adam Tod Brown on Twitter: twitter.com/adamtodbrown Follow our guest Tom Goss on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Follow our guest Kim Congdon on Twitter: twitter.com/kimberlycongdon Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Listen to Tom Goss' new podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-t…d1197690915?mt=2 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, everybody. It's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys podcast. Bruh. We just woke up after recording this new live episode of Mean Boys last night. And I got to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to all the Mean Boys fans who came out. It was a fucking blast. Yeah, like, holy shit. It was unbelievable how many people actually came who know this show.

And also that didn't. Yeah, yeah. And we won them over to some extent, despite making too many jokes about amputees within the first five minutes. There's no such thing as too many jokes about amputees, and you know that. You know that. I know that. I'm just talking about the feeble-minded Groupon

purchasers. Feeble-minded Groupon. Yeah. Please keep coming back to Harville's feeble-minded Groupon purchasers. No, seriously, it was fucking awesome. We had a guy come up from San Diego that brought a lot of drugs. That was a good time. It was burlesque and community.

And it was just like a little gathering of the Juggalos right in scenic downtown Long Beach. It was nice. Yeah, so we'll definitely be doing more of those live shows in the very near future. Keep your eyes peeled for those. Indeed, we want to remind you that the show is sponsored, as always, by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Good save there, Jim. I almost did it again. Someone sent us some Don Taco's Carlo Shop fan art on the Twitter.

Thank you for that. That guy also came to the show and made a Carnock shirt. Yeah, that was the raddest thing ever. Which Keith and Tom signed. And then he's like, there's not that much more room on the front, bro. You want to sign the back? And I'm like, fuck you. I'm signing the front.

Well, to be fair, Tom signed it like a fucking toddler scrawling his name on a sidewalk in shock. Yeah, I'm not good with motor skills. Yeah, Tom, who is not a mean boy, signed half of this man's torso. Indeed he did. So please check them out at eataburrito.com if you want to have your event catered,

if you want to get your butthole licked, if you want to just have a good time at the beach eating some delicious food. And by the new sponsor. What? Holy shit. Bouquet in the Box. Bouquet in the Box. Here's the thing.

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california coast uh it's a family business a bunch of other shit they want me to read uh free next day shipping i mean that's pretty hard to compete with there's one thing mean boys has always stood for it's family business yeah uh and 50 years experience growing flowers. You know, that's necessary. It's not like you just put them in the fucking ground. But and also, you're going to see our sponsor by bouquet in the box. So go and order. Yeah. Order a bouquet.

They're not going to listen to this. That's a good point. And I'm just going to say, look, this is how you mobilize our base. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Trump, you can't keep saying this. He's like, yeah.

Every time I said the wall got 10 feet higher, I rise five points in the polls. Okay, yeah, yeah. Beat, dude. People are like, Trump, you can't keep saying this shit. He's like, yeah, every time I say the wall got 10 feet higher, I rise five points in the polls. Okay? You guys suck. Go buy your mom some fucking flowers. Use the discount code MEANBOYS, all one word, at checkout,

for a hot 15% very marginal discount, and then we get some vague amount of money. Yeah. Go buy flowers. Send them to someone you love. Send them to someone you hate. Yeah. I mean, there's no wrong way to send flowers. Send them to someone you love. Send them to someone you hate. Yeah.

I mean, there's no wrong way to send flowers. Well, you imagine getting a bouquet of beautiful flowers and opening a card and having it just say, kill yourself. That's something you can do to anybody in your life. That's honestly really funny. I agree. I wholeheartedly support that. Yeah, do that.

And if you do, tweet us or email us or whatever, and we'll check out your antics. Yeah. Also, please leave a review for the show on iTunes. We had a few nice reviews in the last couple of days, which we always appreciate. Because I feel like while you're under 100, everyone just looks at you like some kind of ramshackle operation. So let's get Mean Boys on the map where it belongs.

Let's legitimize here, kids. Right in that area of territory that ISIS has conquered. They're holding on to those. Mosul has fallen and that's where we need to go. The vacuum of power on the screen page. But anyways, this is a fun episode.

You know, the audio, it's a live episode, so, you know, it's a little all over the place here. A bunch of truds, you know, drinking and heckling,

but it's a good time, so. Yeah, and also we did, you know, some stand-up comics on, we want to thank Kim Congdon, Tom Goss, Adam Todd Brown, and Pat Regan for doing the show, just because I'm assuming their sets are getting cut out.

Yeah, the sets are being cut out. Check them out on all the social medias. They're all very funny people. Most of them have been on the show. Yep. Alright. Enjoy. Bye. Give a warm welcome for Keith Carrier, Carter Carter McFadden! Oh, there we go.

Hey everybody, how are you guys doing? You'll have to listen to Les Rules to go on a shark encounter in the Bahamas. I didn't want to play. He just went through. Yeah, he was like, okay, they're going to get naked, and you're going to yell, and it's going to be sexy, and then fucking kill the sweating and the poop emoji walk down. This is not what anybody expected. I agree.

If one of these shitty jokes get an applause break, I'll take my shirt off, all right? I'll level with you. I'll do it. Well, that was fast. I'm going to save mine for halfway when they start getting tired. That's when the vomit goes. There's just a lot of lights and you don't want to look like

a Wendy's crispy chicken sandwich. I smell like one most of the time. Indeed. You look like somebody who sells Oxycontin outside of a Wendy's. Yeah, well, we're fucking not making any money doing the podcast, so... Fix it into your frosty broads. Better that way. How about this?

Quick round of applause if you've listened to the show before. All right. All right, that's a very vocal minority. No, it's our audience, because they're hiding in the shadows. Yeah, all around the corners of the room. For those of you who don't know the Mean Boys,

our audience is school shooters who can't afford guns. Like that's... Way to welcome the newcomers to the experience. Well, for everybody who's never listened

to the Mean Boys podcast before, it is horrifying. But it's fun. You guys didn't know I usually record without a shirt on it's actually it's true

usually he has his dick out too it's a whole situation not his dick his dick is depressing but you know it's a little harsh alright yeah you're right

I'm the bad guy yes yes you are well for those of you who don't know tonight we're going to be doing a lot of wacky stuff we have games that we play

on the show segments we also have a lot of great stand up comedians for you musical guests and we're going to be doing a lot of wacky stuff. We have games that we play on the show, segments. We also have a lot of great stand-up comedians for you, musical guests, and there are going to be titties. I swear to God, those rules weren't for nothing. And not just keys. No, but mine are coming. Abandon all hope. Alright, well,

we're going to start the show off with our first segment. Everyone, let's get into the Mexican Joke Off. Close it up. That was kind of a... Strap in for a long night if the sound guy kind of fucking it up. Because I was explaining it to him. He was like,

yeah, I have no clue what this is and it is in no way relevant to my life, so expect me to half-ass this completely. And I respect that decision. The Mexican Joke- joke. Every week, we look through the news. We try and write five jokes about weird, horrible shit

that has happened in this world of ours. And here's the deal. Some of these jokes are real good. Some of these jokes are real shitty. Yeah.

And if you don't like them, don't be nice. Be nice to the other comics, but fucking boo us. Yeah. We want to be punished. This is the S&M portion of the show.

Indeed. Speaking of which, I'll take it away. Richard Simmons has been hospitalized due to severe indigestion. His medical team has informed the press that they may have to perform an emergency gerbalectomy. Fucking poo! You got a pet in his butt, all right? That's what people want from me.

All right, my first joke. This week, a man in Cleveland did the unthinkable and made a Facebook Live video that was actually interesting. Oh, guys, it's going to get so much worse than that. A little louder, he'll come back. Alright. They didn't know, they're just doing the sad reaction in real time. A man playing Jesus in an Easter play accidentally hung himself

and died on Sunday. Church officials have said that since suicide is a cardinal sin, he can now go meet the real Judas. Oh my god. Man, four minutes in and we already got to Christ suicide. This is the best episode ever. Indeed.

Some people, I can tell, got a group on there like, oh shit, we did not. Some people, I can tell, got a group on and were like, oh shit, we did not. Have fun, other comics. I wanted to see like a lady in a bra and not hear about

my god dying. A Navy SEAL is under investigation after it was discovered that he's been moonlighting as a porn star. Government officials

are furious, saying, quote, if anybody's gonna fuck a veteran, it's gonna be us Yeah, Keith is actually a regular seal moonlighting is a comedian inflation, y'all. I got flippers and shit. George H.W. Bush has been hospitalized with a mild case of pneumonia. In a gesture of support to the predecessor,

Donald Trump has sent a bouquet of get-well-soon missiles to a hospital in Iraq. It's a geopolitical fucking greeting card joke, y'all. Kind of in the same vein. A Wisconsin boy donated his Nintendo Wii to a local police department after an officer was killed in the line of duty. In related news, we here at the Mean Boys Podcast

hope the victims of the Syrian chemical attacks enjoy the singing telegram we sent. I would have gone with Billy's Big Mouth Bass. Oh, no. I mean, what are you... My hands are gone, so they can't stop listening. It's terrible.

All right. I don't know why I thought that was going to be the rift to dig me out of the hole. Yeah, oof, okay. Moving on, something that can bring everyone in together. An alligator has climbed to the second story of a North Carolina woman's apartment, entered through the screen door, and refused to leave. Animal control was quickly dispatched to dispose of Keith Carey's mother. Aw.

I don't know if you've ever seen Keith's mom. She's pretty crocodilian. Yeah, that seems like some shit my mom would do. Just go in there looking for cigarette butts to eat. For those of you that don't know, Keith's mom wasn't raised by meth addicts. You were raised by meth addicts. You didn't get grandfathered in.

Well, we're all learning stuff about each other, everybody. Yeah, I have a scar on my tit, and there's a lot of drug abuse in Keith's family, all right? I don't even quite know what you're applauding. Like, hooray, she was sick. All right. Hooray, I went to 12 different schools. That's not as funny as it really was.

All right. You didn't show up most of the time. Number four, here's a little bit of local pandering, because I'm from Long Beach, and I fucking love this city. The legendary Queen Mary in Long Beach is in desperate need of repairs. Authorities say they haven't seen a queen in this bad of shape since last call at the mine shaft. Somebody in the back just outed themselves.

I like to think he's with his girlfriend now. He's like, you know, it's a popular local touchstone. I mean, everyone knows the Mineshaft, right? Right? True story. I once watched a man douche his butthole

with a garden hose at the Mineshaft. What? Yeah, no, I didn't choose to watch it. It wasn't like I showed up for that. That wasn't the entertainment.

It just happened. It's like an odd combination of home improvement and gay shit that's like Ed Vila's missile butt. Really, an Ed Vila reference. Okay. You mean Bob Vila? Because Ed Vila's not a person. Really, an Ed Vila reference.

Okay. You mean Bob Vila? Because Ed Vila's not a person. Oh, yeah. Or whatever. Ed Vila's... Well, Connor understands half of every reference

because he's fucking 12. So... Yeah. Some of us have, you know, more than four years of life ahead of them. Keith? That's unfortunate for everybody

who lives in the shitty towns you perform in Alright, let's Let's pause it out strong Alright A man who lost his leg in Afghanistan Completed the Boston Marathon Carrying a United States flag on Sunday He said, this wasn't a gesture of patriotism

He was just hoping he could get one of the legs found two years ago That no one was using anymore Oh god Have you guys look at the leg prices these days, it's astronomical. They cost you an arm and another one. And finally, Norway has announced the formation of the world's first all-female special forces unit. Said Norwegian General Olof Dijklae, quote, it's like a regular SEAL Team 69 over here. Oh! Really wish that it hit harder. Oh!

Should have closed on the mind shift. Oh! Wish that I was at the bottom of a mind shift right now. Alright, well we are getting ready to get the show started. You guys ready for a fucking show? Fuck yeah. Your first comic coming to the stage.

She's been on the podcast. You've also seen her on Comedy Central. She's one of our favorite people in the world. Give it up, everybody, for Kim Condon! Thank you guys so much. Guys, give it up one more time for your host, Connery. I love them. They look like a real-life version of a soup and bread sticks One more time for Kim Conley

Great set I do love this outfit Because it looks like that Missy Elliott inflatable suit But before they put the air in it There we go You're going to hang hang on that one you guys we're gonna play a game with miss kim conga right now and you guys are welcome to play along as well uh this is a game we play on the show sometimes this is called porn comment or yelp review

you read all the comments on every porn well yeah she's gonna keep track of her own videos, I mean. Oh, it's a good old-fashioned misogyny joke. What is that video called? Vaguely Ethnic Girl Fucks Fine? Yeah, come back for a poke of haunches, everybody. Just out of curiosity, has anybody in this audience ever left a comment on a porno video? No, good, because you're not fucking monsters. It takes a lot to log in and stuff. It really is. Who has an account

on X videos? It's like, get in, get the fuck done. I don't want a record of what I was doing on there. You don't need receipts for that. What about coming at the wrong part? I'm bisexual. There's no wrong part. Well, when it points to like a dresser or something and you accidentally... I also

fuck furniture. He's pansexual. Personal pansexual. I fuck pizzas. Goddammit. That joke will never die, will it? Yeah. Alright, cool.

You will. I don't like that. That's the running bit for the night. Alright, anyway, fuck the moment, you. I'm really concerned. You're like, he will. And you sip your fucking cocktail. Alright, you prematurely 50-year-old woman.

Well, at any rate, the only people who will sip your fucking cocktail. You prematurely 50-year-old woman. Well, at any rate, the only people worse than people who write comments on porn are people who write Yelp reviews. And sometimes it's real hard to tell them apart. So we're going to be playing a game. I'm going to read some comments. You're going to tell me if these were Yelp or porn. You guys are welcome, Price is Right style, to shout out what you think the answer is. You will be surprised and horrified on some of these. First one, quote, who died and made you the queen of the amputees?

Oh, shit. We got a little free help over here. All right, it seems to present a point. We got one staunch yelper over here. Am I still allowed to play if I left the comments? Do we have any guesses from the peanut gallers? All right, this is maybe a review of the StubHub Center. I got who the guy who made you clean the amputee. This is maybe someone who had a bad experience at a physical therapy thing, you know?

Maybe one of those Boston Marathon people from earlier in the show. Way to double down. Yeah, I had to. Maybe one of those Boston Marathon people from early in the show? Way to double down. Yeah, I had to. All right, so what are your thoughts? Oh, I think it's for sure... I have no fucking clue. I would guess... You said that with so much confidence.

I would guess that it would be a porn... Real quick, Kim, what the fuck are you wearing? You look like a some kind of just shitty hip-hop genie. I look like I fixed the car you're not old enough to drive. I sure think I could pass for learner's permit.

Mom and Dad, stop fighting! Let's make answers. I'm going to say that is a Yelp review. I say it's a yellow perfume. And Kim? I say it's a porn comment. The correct answer is porn comment.

It's from a video entitled, not surprisingly, Quadruple Amputee Beauty. That is a fucking queen. Here's a better name for that video. Hot Pocket. Oh no. That's just a fleshlight with hair. It's literally just a chicken nugget.

What, triple amputee? Yeah, they call her Shishka Barbara. Oh, shut up! She looks like the pig in a blanket you serve at a party. I feel like she'd look a lot of porn, because you can just fly to Miami as a carry-on. Number two, quote, this old lady needs some attention. Oh, fuck. Number two, quote, this old lady needs some attention. Oh, fuck. This is maybe a really overbearing small business owner.

I just want to come in and get some gas. We're hearing a lot of yelp from the audience. Yeah, because that's a fucking... Yelp's a fear because they realize they've spent $15 and two drinks to hear a bunch of dudes talk about people get their arms cut off. All right, what do we think? This sounds like a scorned, like, 50-year-old Denny's waitress that had a bad attitude. Okay, so we got Yelp from Kim. You know what?

I gotta jump in. I gotta try to make a move, you know, get out of the pit. I'm gonna say that's a porn comment. The correct answer is Yelp Review. It's the Yelp Review of the Queen Mary right here at Scenic Long Beach. What's the context? Do you remember? The old lady is the boat Number three

It sounds like someone's explaining a movie I didn't get to be like the old lady's the boat I was like oh okay Number three Please do not shoot my dog Either way it's a grim situation. Oh, that's a foreign comment. I mean...

Oh, no. Anything with the word shoot... I don't think the dog ones have comment sections. I've never cum on a cat, but a cat has definitely walked in and stepped on some cum that was just lying around. I thought you were going to say, I've never cum on a cat, but a cat's cum on me. That would have been so much better. Connor's never made a pussy cum. Hey, guys.

Whatever. That was so funny. What do we think? Please do not shoot my dog. Yelp or porn? Oh, jeez. I'm going to say that it's a yelp. All right, we're hearing a porn from the audience. We got a yelp from Connor. Yep. You're saying porn? The correct jeez. I'm going to say that it's a yelp. Alright, we're hearing a porn from the audience.

We got a yelp from Connor. You're saying porn? The correct answer is yelp. That is a yelp review of the Long Beach Police Department. Trill. You can yelp the police? I'm just sorry, this is the Long Beach Police Department. Not a lot.

Next one, speaking of the police. Quote, this is a much better way to support Black Lives Matter. Not that Pepsi bullshit everybody's mad about. Oh, this is porn. There's no content that makes this okay. This is some white chick sucking a black dude's dick. This is a porn comment on an ACLU article. They're like, this is way better than Black Lives Matter.

Look how much that is. Wait, what are you saying? He's saying Yelp. This man has been very vocal about Yelp. All right, the guy that owns the entire Fuji's discography on vinyl. This is a strong statement. All right, what do we think?

Oh, fuck. You know what? This is a porn comment. This is a dude just shaking his gang bang. Or my name ain't Conor McSpadden. And you're saying porn is what?

The correct answer is porn. That is a comment from a video entitled I Shit You Not White Girls Say the N-Word Volume 2.

That could do a lot for Black Lives Matter. All right. And the last one, quote, Everyone seems like they're on heroin and the music is fucking terrible. Wow, divisive. Hang on, I'm curious, make some noise if you think it's porn. Make some noise if you think it's Yelp.

It's the bad mariachi night Why would that be mariachi night? The mariachi music sucks When I think mariachi music Lou Reed was not in a mariachi band He would have been Alright, let's make some calls Yelp or porn? Alright, this is a porn video of a lady getting fucked

by a bunch of mariachis Alright some calls. Yelp or porn? Alright, this is a porn video of a lady getting fucked by a bunch of mariachis. Alright. I go for Yelp. The correct answer is that is a Yelp review of Hot House of Gourmets. That'll teach you to let us do some dumb shit. One more time for Tom Gossett, everybody. Alright. One more time for Tom Johnson, everybody. All right. Man, if you thought you didn't understand Tom before,

strap in for what's about to happen. Right, Mike? Yeah. Okay, Tom has a very special way of explaining very common concepts. Some examples are when we asked Tom to explain the concept of love, he said, horny fear. And we once asked him to describe sw swans and his response was sexy geese you're looking at cartoon character that just exploded it's fucking hot up here

man so I'm gonna smoke I'll make it better this is a lightning round where we just throw ideas and concepts at Tom and he has to explain them yet. He's exploding So we're gonna do something again what we're about to do Tom has no idea what we're What all right cool? You ever cross on your face? Like which one like the safe one yes okay I was about to say this is the wrong show

for you I was like this is the exact right show for you did I also lose you in my comedy Tom this is not what we're doing

I'm fucking around we're gonna throw some more into Tom he has not seen this list beforehand and he is gonna give us his best attempt at describing these concepts

you guys ready for the Tom Lightning round is that okay alright you wanna just go back and forth yeah yeah alright I'll start us off death metal best attempt at describing these concepts. You guys ready for the Tom Lightning round? Sound good? All right. You want to just go back and forth? Yeah, yeah. All right, I'll start us off.

Death metal. Death metal. Kill your music. Sandwiches. Oh, shitty burrito. All right, Tom. Black people. Historically white.

Don't make me the bad guy. Global warming. Oh, sweaty earth. Okay, Tom. Grapes. Grapes? Yeah. Oh, picky fruit.

The musical Hamilton. I don't know what that is. Circumcision. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, dick haircut. Reggae. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, bongo blast. Alright, in honor of the venue, burlesque. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, clothing stripping. I mean, technically.

Karate. Oh, um... I had uh, uh, clothing stripping. I mean, technically. Karate. Oh, uh... I had karate a little bit too. Um, uh, uh, choppy fighting. The color blue. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, down yellow. Right, Tom, farts. Oh, uh, butt bursts.

Tennis. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, bat lacrosse. Martin Luther King Jr. Butt-bursts. Tennis. Bat lacrosse. Martin Luther King Jr. Great guy. We the people of black people. The guy that said that was Thomas Jefferson, who owned a lot of slaves. So you are very wrong.

Does anybody in the crowd have a suggestion for Tom? Candles. What? Sam? Candles. Cand it. Candles. Candles. Candles. I'm going to go into the crowd. Sad torches.

Yes. Spaghetti. Oh. Our roommate's anthem. Sorry, so inside baseball. Food hair. All right, we got one over here. Horseshoe.

Horseshoe. Horseshoe. Shitty bowling. Comedy. Comedy. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, this is so esoteric. This is esoteric. This is the one. Glass.

What? Glass. Glass. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, happy plastic. Yes. Noodle dick. Noodle dick. Noodle dick. Oh, uh. That sounds like one of the ones he said.

Uh, um, uh, don't eat that spaghetti. Yes. Trump. Trump. Oh, uh, um, uh, uh, America the Orange. Okay. Okay, uh, uh, uh, America the Orange. Okay. Okay, guys, wait.

Yeah, yeah. One more quick variation on the Tom Lightning round. Ah, fuck, I hate this. We're gonna give him 30 seconds. He has a category he has to fulfill. You have to name seven things within this category. Okay. Tom, we're gonna start you off. Name seven cond category. Okay. Tom, we're going to start you off.

Name seven condiments. Okay. Ketchup, ice cream toppings, maraschino cherries, hot fudge, cold fudge, salad, and dressing.

Thank you. Thank you, though. You know none of those. Shut up, you idiot. Name seven emotions. Oh, sad, happy, fear, angry, rage, fury, and wrath. I'm a very happy man. All right, Tom. Let's do two more.

I got one here. Tom, give us seven weapons. Oh, sledgehammer, broadsword, samurai sword, parier, crossbow, long bow, and machine gun. By the way, you were looking for right here, Perrier, you can kill someone with a bottle of Perrier, alright?

You ever make fun of a barista's haircut? It happens. If I had a broken bottle of, uh, Pellegrino, people would be freaking the fuck out, alright? That's fair. Alright. I'm pretty sure you think Pellegrino is those birds that steal your chips at the beach. I have a good relationship with birds.

I don't understand. Last one, Tom. 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven kinds of animal. Okay, birds, cockatoo, cockatoo spaniel, house cat, lion, dragon, and Cockatoo Cocker Spaniel House Cat Lion

Dragon and Ferret Okay We got one bigger I meant animals like flying, mammal, reptile What do you have?

Take it easy Pass that cigarette You're not a bullshit artist You don't get to smoke inside Go back to the Hollister you work at Alright You guys one more time You're not a bullshit artist, you don't get the smoke inside. Go back to the Hollister you work at. Alright, you guys, one more time for Tom Gadsden! For this last game, we need a volunteer from the audience to come up here.

Who wants to come up? I see some pointing. I feel like we should throw the Satanist under the bus. Who are we kidding? It's going to be this guy. Come on up, buddy. I love that nobody was having fun. Come on up, buddy.

Yeah, we're going to get you set up right over here. Tom, grab those mics over there, would you? All right. What is your name, sir? Pass. Get the fuck out of here. I trusted you, man. Is that a nickname for a blindspin?

No, Bass. People don't remember him named Bass. Okay, cool. How is it playing bass in Sublime with Rum? Like, on a scale of one to your adoring? All right. Well, thank you for coming out and playing this game with us. There are drink tickets on the line for you right here. This is a game we play at the end of every episode.

This is called, which of the following... uh... Hold for applause, it is not coming. But before we kick, Tom, is that mic working? What? Is that working? I don't know, it doesn't matter, I'm pretty loud. Okay, can you just name seven Muppets for us real quick?

Ah, fuck, green, blue, orange, yellow, rover. The frog and his pig. The frog and his pig is what our podcast should be called. All right, this one's evolving. It's a subject, and there's three real things, and one that I made up. You guys have's three real things in one that I made up. You guys have to try to guess the one that I made up. The round we're playing this week is with Harlem Globetrotters, everybody. So let's get this started.

Which of the following is not a real Harlem Globetrotter? A, Dwayne Simpson. B, Kirk Zeus Stewart. C, Kyrie Washing Machine Washington. Or D. Courtney the Iceman Brown. They all sound like names of guys I dated on Facebook. That's MySpace level dick, Pops.

You can do the dumb name on MySpace, but if you're doing it on Facebook, you're really committing to working at the mall for the rest of your life. If you have a weird middle name on Facebook, you 100% have HPV. But you don't have a middle name on Facebook. What does dating on Facebook mean? It's like regular dating. Are you mad I'm on Facebook or are you dating on Facebook?

I'm going to say dating on Facebook is a fake. All right, do we have guesses? All right, guesses, gentlemen. And whatever came next. Can we hear them one more time? Dwayne Swim Simpson, Kurt Zeus Stewart, Kyrie Washington,

or Courtney the Iceman Brown? There's a group of hot girls over there that have never looked less interested in anything. We have a baby from the audience. Somebody said Kirk-Zoo Stewart. I'm going to go Iceman because there's already an NBA player called the Iceman. So I'm smart. Interesting. Mass, what do you think?

I think I'm brown. Okay. Two for Iceman. Two for Iceman Brown. Did you write this? You wrote this, not Keith, right? I did, yeah. Okay.

So you know more about washing machines, so that sounds... What? Tom is never going to actually go washing machine in any capacity. Yeah, well, also Iceman, like you're an assassin, and Zeus, you know, through shit. I'm going to say washing machine. That's not tough. Okay, and Kim Cronin. I'm going to go with Zeus. All right, the fake one is... Kyrie, the washing Carpenter. I'm going to go with Zeus. Alright, the fake one is...

Kyrie, The Washing Machine, Washington. This is what's infuriating about Tom. His brain doesn't work, and yet he's right about everything. Alright, moving on. If you're going to choose which of the following is not real. Harlan Globetrotter. A. Slinky Jack Malinsky. B. Dumb? They Jack Malinsky. B,

dumb, they're all dumb. B, Ron Cobner Christie. C, Robin Captain Kirk Kirksey. Or D, Reggie Regulator Phillips. Captain Kirk. I think it's Captain Kirk.

If you're going to name a Globetrotter after someone from Star Trek, I thought it would have been Yohura. I feel like Star Trek if you thought it would have been Yohura. I feel like if you like Star Trek and you walk into a basketball game, you just fucking explode into dust like a vampire in a church. Not true, because I've seen the Harlem Globetrotters and had a great time. I feel like the Harlem Globetrotters are the only kind of basketball someone who likes Star Trek could get into. It's a lot of tricks.

Hurtful and true. There was a corky one? Yeah. Oh, wait, no. That was last round. Oh. Ah, fuck. I have no memory.

Someone else give... I need to hear them again. Tom, name seven vegetables. Broccoli, salad, zucchini, tomato, uh, uh, uh, uh, croissants, um, uh, asparagus. Bacon! You said, you said hedge clippers? What, what? How are you dumber than him?

Hey, he's wearing flip-flops and a beanie. How is he not dumber than him? Okay, that's why I'm sitting back than him. Hey, he's wearing flip-flops and a beanie. How is he not dumber than him? That's why I'm sitting back to work. Yeah, I feel like your parents definitely paid for some kind of ill-advised liberal arts degree. Alright, what do you think, Vance? I'm going to say the Ron.

Okay. The Ron. Ron Copter Crispy. Crispy. Crispy. Oh, regulator. No one regulates it and is like, oh, that's a ref. Alright, yes. I'm going to say Ron Copter Christie is the fake one because that

sounds too police-like. There's no wider black person than the heart of the Globetrotters. Let me say that right now. But they're mostly black. What's the answer? The answer is A. Slinky Jack Molenski. I still think I'm right.

Oh, you probably would have lost anyway. That's true. I would have lost. Alright, last round. I'm going to pretty true. What's your role? What's his role? He was just sitting here. Alright, look for the following. It's not role? He was just sitting here. All right, what's the following? It's not a real Harlem Westrider.

A, Ryan Slingshot Addison. B, Tyrone Dynamite Dolovan. C, ready to roll Clyde Rollins. Or D, Nate Big Easy Lofton. It's definitely Tyrone, because that's something that white people would make up a black name for. They're going to all named that? I don't know.

Yeah, I agree with that. All right, Tyrone, what do you think? Third. Hey, did you say one was Big Easy? Yeah, Nate Big Easy Lofton. Yeah, I don't see a Nate playing basketball. I love that this has just turned into the thinly veiled racism game. Yeah.

Tom, name seven races. No. Tom, name seven racists. I don't know. No. Tom, name seven racists. Seven racists. Seven racists, people. Kim, get on the mic. You're not getting out of this.

Seven racists? Trump, Hillary, the guy who owns the basketball team from L.A., and then half the people on this stage. Good one. Correct. and then half the people on the stage. Good one. Correct.

Sorry buddy, at least you got some titties on your face earlier. Tara's like, what shape will play a brand called her parents? What? That was a lot of vowels. Oh, he's got you, bitch. Are you speaking Portuguese? Yeah, are those words?

All right, final guesses, gentlemen, and Kim. All right, the answer is Ready to Roll Clyde Rollins. Oh, you didn't let them guess? Oh, well, we got one more round. I know, another round? Yeah, I know, right? Ready to Roll Clyde Rollins?

Yeah. Dude, that did sounds like a loser. Yeah, well, you've never shot a basketball that turned out to be full of helium and then won the adoration of a bunch of children at the Citizens Business Bank Arena in 2011? Anyway. Very specific memory. I actually saw Nate Biggis in Locked and Live, so. All right, I don't think that's un-losing the audience.

We can see where this portion of the show came from. Last round, real quick. Last round for real. Lightning round. Are these all real or all fake? A, Devin Mr. Benz Thompson. B, Fabulous Leon Smith. C, Kelvin Special K Hildreth.

Or D, Kareem Best Kept Secret Reed. All real. Wait, what was the second one? Oh, the second one was Fabulous Leon Smith. See, I don't think a factory would call themselves fabulous. Benjamin Gomez. They're so homophobic. There's a rapper named Fabulous.

Okay, this is going to turn into an absent-fueled town hall. There's more titties coming up. Alright, is everyone guess? Fuck, I don't care. All right. Those are all real. Every single goddamn one of them. I'm saying all real because one of them is called Special K. And that sounds like something that people would be upset about.

But because it's a kid saying no one would actually say anything because they don't want their kids to know about crack. Do you think the Harlow Globetrotters are children? No. kids saying like no one would actually like say anything because they don't want their kids know about crack do you think the horrible globetrotters your children he doesn't know that special K is the cereal he just thinks it's ketamine thank you everybody I'll be somewhere else still tomorrow. All right. Kim, your guess? C.

They're all real or okay. You lose. You're disqualified. The answer is they're all real. All right. And the winner is, after I've tabulated the scores I wasn't keeping track of, not you guys. Bass, thank you for playing. These are for you. Those are free drinks. Because you need more booze. Because I want you to crash your car when you get home later because you've been completely annoying.

Up until this point, I think we can all agree this show was pretty great, right? We really ran an epic marathon and then kind of tripped about five feet before the finish line. You guys, thank you so much for coming out with me. And we're going to have our guest,

Tom Goss. That's the name seven. What do you want him to name seven of ours? Beers. Seven beers,

go. Heineken, Coors, Budweiser, Bud Light, oh, oh, fuck,

IPA, Captain Morgan, and Jack Daniels. Whiskey, whiskey, fuck beer. Catch me by my back, Jack. Thank you. All right, guys. Before we bring the dancers back up,

we close the show the same way every time. We need everybody's help. We're going to count to three. And when we do that, I need everybody in this room to yell, fuck everything. God is dead. Can you guys do that with us? Yeah room be yelled, fuck everything, God is dead. Can you guys do that with us?

Yeah. All right. One, two, three. Fuck everything, God is dead. All right. Give it up for the Lolitas.