Mean Boys - EP 57 - Grumpy Chocolate (feat. Dan Nolan & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: April 25, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "New Names", “Alligator Dave: EPA”, “The Man Who Can’t Stop Farting” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Lifetime Original Movies by listener Cali Velazquez. We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) And by Bouquet in a Box! Go to bouquetinabox.com and use promo code “meanboys” for 15% off your order! Follow our guest Dan Nolan on Twitter: twitter.com/dannolancomedy Follow our guest Tom Goss on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Listen to Tom Goss' new podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-t…d1197690915?mt=2 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. What up? Thank you guys for listening and for telling a friend. As always, if you've got any submissions or questions for the show, forward those over to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. We've got some good stuff from listeners this week. Yeah, send us your games, your jokes, your genitals, what have you. Yeah, all that shit.

We've got a fantastic episode for you today. We just cut with Dan Nolan and Tom Goss sitting in and manning the new Mean Boys soundboard. Spoiler alert, it didn't work great. Yeah, there were some ups and downs, but I think it's going to be a good idea. Giving Tom a complex piece of equipment to operate went exactly how you'd think it would. Hilariously. Yeah, so I love that we now have a producer who in no way understands how machines work. Indeed.

We are sponsored, as always, by Don Carlos Tacos Shop in La Jolla, California. Visit eataburrito.com to check out their menus. They are the best burrito place in the world. I actually just was able to go check it out for the first time at a California burrito. Best California burrito I've ever had. That's the thing. I wasn't fucking around when I said they were great. They really are, like, the best.

Oh, yeah. It's fucking bomb. So if you're in the greater San Diego area, please go check them out. And buy Bouquet in a Box. Mother's Day is coming up. And let's face it. You're a piece of shit. You're going to forget.

You're not going to get anything good. You're going to try to find flowers at the last minute. It's going to be the shitty leftover flowers. You're going to get her like a couple daffodils and a knife wrapped in cellophane. So here's what you do. You go to bouquetinabox.com. You use promo code meanboys, all one word. You get yourself a fat marginal discount in exchange for us receiving

a vague amount of money. Will it be Emmy? Possibly. Do I have any way of confirming? No. Is this probably a pyramid scheme? Yes. Did we want to do it mostly to legitimize our fucking fledgling operation? Shut up.

So yeah, please go check them out. Leave a review for the show on iTunes if you haven't done so already. Just takes a second. Helps us out quite a bit. We've gotten please go check them out. Leave a review for the show on iTunes if you haven't done so already. Just takes a second. Helps us out quite a bit. We've gotten some new ones this week. I was reading the fucking tweets and the reviews and emails. It's nice to see you guys fucking around with us. We've seen some new people chiming in.

And it really, you know, anyone that's here from the Adam Todd Brown fuck pile or, you know, any of the other... Yeah, welcome. Yeah, thank you. We're like Unpops if it was funny. Yeah. Good to have you on board. Just Josh.

I'll teach him to be very nice to us. Follow him to his car and hit him with a sock full of pennies. Just kidding. Don't do that. I know some of you probably would. Use quarters. He's big. It takes more to take him.

The elephant gun of fucking podcast assassination muggery. Assassination muggery. muggery indeed all right that's it I think enjoy the show gang whip hey everybody the world's ending and Sam Jackson isn't showing up after the credits. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm a tubby no-no juice pin cushion.

Dan Nolan joins us in the studio today. Hello, hello. Dan Nolan of Roast Battle and Heroin fame. Yes, indeed, indeed. And also, manning the Mean Boys soundboard, Tom Goss is with us. Oh, okay. Hi. Wait.

It's not working. Why is it not working? We've been testing this for 20 minutes. What? Tom, what happened? It just all of a sudden went off? It just stopped working. Of course it didn't. What does Tom think that could happen?

I had it all lined up. I didn't do anything. Wait, shit. Play a thing. I'm playing things. Take it, plug it out, and replug it. Okay. So how did that fucking happen?

We literally did this 45 seconds ago, Mean Boys listeners. It's not working now. Oh, hang on. Hang on. Wait. Compelling radio. Wait, play it again. Oh, shit.

He's here. That would have been way cooler if it worked the first time. Oh, shit. He's here. That would have been way cooler if it weren't his first time. Oh, wow. And producer Ramsey, from days of old, had to return to jiggle the chords as he once did. That's actually the single most amount of production work producer Ramsey has ever done. Yeah, Tom and I stayed up late into the night loading up the soundboard with stupid effects. Yeah, we sure did, and now I don't know what to do when it doesn't

play. So I'm really sitting duck here. Yeah, this is really like having the golden gun, but only every other chamber has a live bullet in it. So, you know, Tom's going to be like, oh, I got him, and then just like... Correctamundo!

Oh, this was already worth it. I have no idea what's on this board, so I'm terrified to find out. I know a few. I don't know all of them. Yeah. I know some of them. I would hope you do. They're in front of you.

Yeah, I didn't make all of them. And here's the thing. The guy that runs the soundboard is usually the guy that's also The most production savvy in the radio show And with Tom It's like when the Planet of the Apes Find the machine gun Depository You're like, yeah, I'm swinging through the trees

I'm just trying to shoot anything that looks like it doesn't have enough hair Doing my best Also, Dan I like that we spent three seconds on Dan And a good eight minutes on the concept of sound. We're a bunch of losers. Oh, we're a bunch of losers, guys. He really fucking got us.

Oh, wait, let's try this for the first time, not added in post-production. I think we're all fired up, gang. I think it's time to get into the Mexican joke on. Ay, so topical. Wow. Tom did something functional. I'm amazed.

I know. The unfunctionality of the computer was not my fault. It feels like it was your fault. I mean, you certainly didn't help. Whatever happened to your brain just created, like, an electromagnetic pulse field.

I woke up like a leprechaun. Yeah, I feel like every time you, like, walked over to the popular kid section of the playground, all their Tamagotchis died. Like, uh-oh, Tom had a nightmare. All the fucking cookies fell out of the pantry again.

Where are the turtles? Tom was so excited about that one. Was that about turtles? Yeah. He referenced an animal. God, the leaps of logic that Tom's going to make with the soundboard are terrifying. Okay, well, I'll take us away this week. A Kansas man has been arrested

for growing cannabis he used to control his seizures. As the DEA raided his home, an officer carrying the contraband sent to the weeping man to control this seizure, bro. They seized his goods, guys. They seized that shit. Widespread electrical failures plagued the city of San Francisco on Saturday,

proving that the city is so gay, even the power is out. Does that mean it? Yeah. Actor Rob Lowe has been selected as the new spokesman for Kentucky Fried Chicken. When asked about the brand's trademark 11 Herbs and Spices, Lowe replied,

11? I swear they told me it was 18. Damn. Dan Nolan fucking that is a hot pedophile right there making up for his complete awkward silence during the introduction

you're welcome yeah I'm going to speak whenever during which he had the charisma of a sleeping iguana iguana's a cataclysm should have told me

to pre-write some riffs I would have yeah this is what we do we don't have improv people on the show Sleeping iguana. They should have told me to pre-write some riffs. I would have. Yeah, this is what we do. We don't have improv people on the show. It's all people that prepare for things. I'll just sit quietly and wait to be the funniest. Indeed.

A man wearing a blanket around his head pretended to have a gun and demanded pizza from a Tulsa, Oklahoma Domino's. Related note, me and Tom have been to this Domino's and since they charged me extra for red pepper, I would like it noted that I wish he had ten guns and a dynamite vest. I remember that. We went to that Domino's and we wrote Mean Boys on the chalkboard.

Yeah, and then some guy got really mad because we parked next to him and I almost fought him. You told me not to fight him. I was ready to fight him. I did. I was like, Tom, it's two in the morning. We're trying to drive home to see our girlfriends. You know, it's fucking 24 hours away. And then, you know, we're just trying to get some pizza so we can eat it to stay awake.

Like, do not introduce a fist fight into this set of challenges. We've got to fight for the right for parking. All right? Tom, please play a bomb sound effect on your own joke. No. Oh, God. This is really like if an autistic kid found the Infinity Gauntlet in the Marvel Universe. I don't know what that means.

All right. You don't know what most things mean. Thank you. All right. Cuba Gooding Jr.'s father was found dead of natural causes behind the wheel of his car. TMZ captured the actor tearfully telling the coroner, show me the body! I don't get it, but I... It's a Show Me the Money reference.

Cuba Gooding Jr. was in that Show Me the Money movie. Tom understood a reference better than you. Let that sink in. Hey, Tom, you know, I'm... I'm not the bar for losership. I can't do this one. Okie doke. Fears have continued

to mount for undocumented citizens as the Trump administration recently began deporting illegal aliens who were previously protected under the DREAM Act. Department of Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly has reiterated that President Trump does not intend to specifically target DREAMers no matter how much he looks like Freddy Krueger.

You're not a nice person. That was a long-ass walk. Yeah, I know. Yeah, Dan, that was an excellent dissertation. Thank you. In conclusion, the punchline is forthwith. That's the thesis for my big comedy recital this weekend.

Yeah. I thought that joke dragged a little in the second paragraph, but... North Korea has threatened to start a nuclear war with Australia in response to its cooperation with the United States. Australia's foreign minister said in a statement, Man, I don't even have an opinion. You're a smart motherfucker. I like how we just keep randomly referencing things that Tom has drops for. Yeah, it's weird how much Pulp Fiction has come up.

Yeah, we want to make a movie dub where Tom plays the guy getting shot in the face. Well, the whole same Jackson's yelling at him. I'm like, I don't know. He's a black guy. Yeah, he's not not black. He doesn't point with his gun, but you do. So not all black people look the same. Yeah, he looks like grumpy chocolate.

Looks like grumpy chocolate. Well, we have an episode title. Alright. Starbucks unveiled a new drink this week. It's tall, cold, kind of gay, and it's all swagger and no substance. So be sure to order yourself a venti Connor McSpatachino.

Shut the fuck up, fat man. Is it all just Sam Jackson? That was a good amount of Sam Jackson. These are the very same sound effects that I loaded up for episode one, by the way, that did not work. I've added some more,

but they're not going to make as much sense. Tom had a lot of things like, yeah, it's Michael Scott screaming about turtles It's going to work all the time You can't get diseases from a bird You're up This week former Happy Days star Erin Moran was found dead in her home

After years of battling drug addiction When reached for comment co-star Henry Winkler stated he wished he would have been able to take her to one of the Fonz's 12-step meetings. I knew where it was coming from. I got so excited. The best jokes are the ones where you're like, this is going to end like this, and then it does,

and it was good. Bernie Sanders said that Ann Coulter has a right to speak at UC Berkeley without fear of violence or intimidation. The senator from Vermont went on to note that the school should respect her request to block out the sun, remove all garlic from the premises, and turn all crosses upside down. Sound effect for that one?

There was a sound effect. Try it again. Play it again. Okay. Play it again. Maybe it's just very quiet. I think the thing might have gotten fucked up again. Well, the sound effect was real worth it so far. Wait, keep playing them. I don't...

Feel free to just take a minute to curb-stomp the momentum of this great segment. It's going super well. You guys keep going. I'll jiggle the water. How great segment. It's going super well. You guys keep going. I'll jiggle the water. How are you doing, Dan? Oh, sorry. I'm pretty good. We can edit this part out.

Way to keep the ball in the air there, Chip. I lost 20 pounds. It's the first pancake. Congratulations. Thank you. How'd you lose 20 pounds? I just eat 80% calories from fat, and I do an hour of cardio a day. Oh.

Yeah. No carbs, no sugar, and then what happens is your body starts converting fat into energy. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. How long did it take you to lose 20? It took me about a month. Yeah.

Damn. Yeah, so all my energy comes from fat. I'm going to annoy you later and figure out how to do that. I'm just trying to kill time while we fix the sound. How are we doing? Oh, I think it's okay. Let's just start doing jokes. Cool.

All right. It's my turn, right? Yeah. A Michigan doctor was arrested for performing multiple genital mutilation surgeries on underage girls. His wife was shocked at the allegations, saying, quote, Oh, now we can find the clit. Ivanka Trump was booed this week at a public forum in Germany after praising her father's stance on women's rights.

The audience quickly forgave her, though, after she apologized for speaking out of turn and made them all a sandwich. No. Oh, Dan. I'm sorry. All our very sensitive listeners. Las Vegas now offers clean needles and vending machines for IV drug users.

In a related story, Dan Nolan is aggressively pre-crumpling his $1 bills. Let's see. There we go. drug users. In a related story, Dan Nolan is aggressively pre-crumpling his $1 bills. Football star turned murderer Aaron Hernandez hung himself in his prison cell because leave it to a patriot to cheat the system by cutting off an air supply. Oh, shit. That was one of the best ones I've heard on that. Yeah, I really didn't want to make one

but I was like, oh, that one's pretty good. Take it home, Dan. Okie doke. Production of the Mean Boys podcast was delayed recently when co-host Keith Carey got stuck in a Seattle airport. The incident was a change of pace for Carey, who's far more experienced at getting stuck in bathtubs. Wow.

Fucking hang that up in the rafters. God damn. We are the champions, my friends. Welcome. God damn it We are the champions, my friends. Welcome. Sea-tac. God damn it. Fuck Spirit Airlines so much.

Wow. I mean, it sounds like you lost 20 pounds of fat from those early jokes, and you just came back a lean, destructive, comedic force. Christ on a bike. All right. Tom, any more sound effects before we go to the break? All right. Barely worked. Quiet. It got quiet. I don't know why it's quiet. All right. We'll address go to the break? Uh... Alright. Barely worked.

It got quiet. I don't know why it's quiet. Alright, we'll address it during the break. Mean Boys will be right back. Welcome back to Anderson Cooper 360. I'm Anderson Cooper, and I'm entirely too handsome to be on this network. This weekend, thousands of protesters gathered around the country for what has been dubbed the March for Science. These demonstrators say they are concerned that the Trump administration is not doing enough to prevent global warming and other ecological damage.

President Trump has refuted these claims, and he has sent an ambassador to speak with us today. Our guest is the current acting head of the Environmental Protection Agency, and once caught three mud sharks with his bare fist in one afternoon. Please welcome, Alligator Dave. Y'all ain't gonna charge me for them fancy peanuts I ate before we started talking, right? Because I ain't got nothing in my pocket except a couple holes and half a squirrel. Uh, no. No, that's fine.

Those are complimentary. Dave, more importantly, what do you say to those who are concerned that global warming is being ignored by this administration? Oh, Anderson, ain't no such dood, dum-dummery as global warmification. That's a myth and a hoax, and ain't nobody with half a brain gonna worry about it. But practically every scientist in the world is in agreement on this point.

Scientist? Fooey! What's a scientist know? Scientists said my sister was gonna up and die on account of having the sugars, but it's going on 30 years later, that fat bitch is still running around stealing pies off windowsills,

making a damn fool out of herself. Now look, Cooperton, I've been living on the bayou since the day I took a tumble out of Mama LeBeau's Hoochie Coochie. And out in them there swamps, we got all manner of critters just carousing and cavorting. Gators, possums, froggities, couple of snakes. Now if the sun was really getting hotter, it'd make that water hotter. And you know what happens when you turn up the sizzle on a swamp full of critters? Permanent damage to their ecosystem?

Jumbo liar, baby! If the global really was getting warm like all these egg dicks think, then my swamp would be nothing but a 10-mile pot of jambalaya. Reckon you catch me swimming in it and floating on a raft made of sausage chunks like some sort of cartoon rat. But that ain't the world we live in, Antiflo. Uh, yeah.

Okay, so we've got some questions from Twitter. AtLeslieHamill asks, is the EPA prepared for the aftermath of a potential chemical attack on the United States? Can't answer that, Alligator Dave. See, this is the problem with y'all city folk. Y'all worried about something bad coming in when the real baddies are already all right around you. Y'all are sitting around fussing about with your hoity-toity pocket pants and your inside toilets. Worrying about what? North Korea?

North Korea ain't got nothing on a gator, panda man. Gators are the number one enemy of the American people. So, to be clear, our greatest enemy is not the nation with nuclear capabilities that has made declarations of war, but rather the alligator. That's right, Lando's hand. Think about this now. Gator lay on down in the swamp. They don't look like a gator no more. They just look like a big old log.

You see them floating about, you think think that's a good looking log maybe i'm gonna take it home whittle up a new canoe for my fat bitch sister so you paddle on up you're gonna grab it and then bang a rag a jiggy do that gator up and chomps on you ain't no north korea he's gonna do spooky log trickery at you what's that porky little boy king they got with that rug muncher haircut kim jung fooey Something like that You see him floating around Trying to trick you You ain't lucky to be fooled You just gonna say

Nice try Chubby Chan And then give him a good old whack With the paddle Uh interesting And what about the crocodiles Oh them crocs A whole different bag of boom boom All together

Here to elaborate My cousin Crocodile Charlie Crocodiles gonna turn you Insides and outsides Okay uh Fucking nope Alright Uh thanks Alligator Dave Crocodile's gonna turn you insides and outsides. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Okay, uh, fucking nope. All right, uh, thanks Alligator Dave and Crocodile Charlie.

Uh, up next, Wolf Blitzer takes you into the Situation Room to see if he can eat 50 hard-boiled eggs in one sitting. The answer will shock you. He gonna eat all them eggs! Ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns with a round of one of our favorite games. Let's play New Names. It's time for New Names! New Names! Yeah! I remember!

I think they called all their things now. Yeah, it's been a while since we did New Names. It has been. It's one of my favorites. Keith has mixed feelings about it. Dan Nolan, are you excited? Yeah. I mean, it's just a lot of puns. I mean, not necessarily, but I mean, yeah.

That could also just be an iTunes review of our show. It's just a bunch of puns, and then they say cunt. Yeah, these guys take themselves really seriously, and they think they're on the cutting edge of comedy, but they pretty much just find things that rhyme with AIDS. Yeah, if you ever want to hear C-minus jokes and watch a retard spend 12 minutes trying to figure out a laptop soundboard, this is the podcast for you.

You were finished. Tom's not the retard. Oh, yeah, jeez, that hurts. Hey, we have sound effects. We've been talking about this for a year and a half. No, I know, and that done zero, we have sound effects. We've been talking about this for a year and a half. No, I know. And then done zero work to make it happen. Yeah, and you know, honestly, how long it took us to figure it out?

Probably 20 minutes. That's true. To be fair, we still haven't figured it out, and we're currently doing it. Well, it's mostly because our equipment is, like, from the Cold War. I work like an EMP around technology. I already said that. Yeah. Well, I'm just quoting my friend who said, I work like an EMP around technology. I already said that. Yeah. Well, I'm just quoting my friend who said,

I am the one. Yeah, Tom, we also had to excavate you from your room. This podcast was at noon, and then, you know, I go down there, and the lights are drawn low, and the Christmas lights are just illuminating, and I'm like, Tom? And he's like, 10 minutes. Well, I knocked on your window for, like, a while,

and there was just aggressively no response to where I'm like, ah, don't let this be when Tom is dead. Fuck everything. Tom is dead. I always forget to crack my window because there's no ventilation if I don't crack my window and then there's low oxygen in the morning and I just gotta get better about that. Gotta get better about air.

Hey, you know how hard it is to start your morning without coffee and oxygen? The best part of waking up is breathing lots of stuff. All right. I'll start us off this week. New name for Facebook Live. Suicide watch for people no one would miss.

Correctamundo. Speaking of Facebook Live, new name for Steve Stevens, that fat dude who killed the guy on Facebook Live in Cleveland. That guy's name will now be Frank Whitecastle. Don't get it. Frank Castle is the pun. That's not a joke, son. Shut up, Dan. I realize with the Facebook Live murders, my last joke might have been in poor taste.

I was mostly thinking of annoying people that go live, and I'm like, no one cares what you're doing. Sorry. Dan Nolan. Cervical cancer shall henceforth be known as vagina bifida. It's just a bunch of puns, right? Holy shit, that's a really good one, though. Yeah, Dan is just laying in the pocket and crushing.

You're like the Derek Fisher of this podcast. You're not out there giving braggadocious press conferences. You just show up and hit threes. Check out the big brain on Brad. Are they all bold things?. Are they all bold things? Why are they all bold things? You're going to have to ask Connor from a year and a half ago.

Alright, we're going to have to sit down and make a new list of sound effects. We got like 30 in there right now. Oh no, I know what I'm doing with the rest of my day. Oh Tom, do you have the trombone? Somewhere. Wait for somebody to bomb. Okay, yeah, yeah. Somebody's going to Somewhere. Wait for somebody to bomb. Okay. Somebody's got to bomb. All right.

People like the Samuel L. Jackson. You have no idea what people like. There's been zero feedback on this episode. We're recording it live right now. Oh, you were finished. Well, look, I mean, regardless, if we can only keep one of them, it's shut the fuck up, Batman. Yeah. You're a smart motherfucker.

Why is this happening? Okay, Abort. New name for Six Flags. I can't believe it's Knott's Berry Farm. New name for barely legal Canadian porn stars. Puntines. Wait, wait, Tom. I'm a fucking idiot.

Is that Philip Seymour Hoffman? I don't know, yes Yeah, another fat guy that died before he did everything he could have Oh, shit Alright, the Department of Homeland Security is now the Deport Authority That's not bad The gavel, Judge Tom has spoken. Alright, new name for Tums. They will now be called Taco Truck

Anti-Venom. New name for Marvel movies. They will now be known as Soap Operas for people that don't use soap. That's good. That's like one of those ones where you're not going to laugh at it, but you're like, oh, clever. That's like a nodder. Can I?

You'll find out. Oh, yeah. That was the one. That's another mandatory one. Okay. BDSM videos are now scorn porn. Is that? I don't know.

Okay. I like that. Oh, no. Yuck. Scorn porn. Scorn porn. It's a little too cute. Yeah.

It sounds, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like Happy Tree Friends, you know, where it's like, you know, fun, but it's a little too cute you know yeah it sounds yeah yeah yeah it's kind of like happy tree friends you know where it's like you know fun but it's about someone really gross what the fucking happy tree that really is what mean boys is you know happy tree friends the podcast kind of yeah that's upsetting yeah we we said it was like you know uh taking up the torch of foamy the squirrel yeah tenacious d if they had a morning zoo radio show

is how i like to pitch it uh besides the point, new name for Altoids, they will now be called Grandma Menthols. I like that you have, like, two about mints. You got a Mentos and a Tums and an Altoids. Mints are great. Oh, well, I take a lot of Tums. I know. You, like, just exist like an old lady.

I do, yeah. It's all Crystal Light and Tums. Crystal Light, yeah. When you're poor, you put hot sauce in everything. Yeah, I feel you, Doug. North Korea will now be known as the Wonka Factory of Human Suffering. Because it's hard to get in, and most people who do don't get out.

Oompa loompa, we spent your bread money on missiles. Oompa loompa, die in the thistles. That wasn't the best. That worked. I don't know about this one. Now on Attorney General Jeff Sessions,

it's just called Donald Trump's Personal Racistant. You're not a nice person. Okay, I got a few to choose from here. I'm going to go with my heart. New name for MS-13, Loco Haram. I'm sorry, but this is just so asinine. I can try one more. Fuck. Okay. New name for the Dalai Lama.

The New Age Green Lantern. That's pretty good. I don't get it. My last one. Girls Who Wipe Back to Front. Well, now we know it as Choco Taco. Oh, God. Gross. Amazing.

Amazing. Finally, Don't Ask, Don't Tell is now the Poop Hole Loophole. I love how both of ours are just eating on the bus. I like the cut of this young man's chin. I'll tell you that right now. The Maybows will be right back.

Hello? Yes, is this the Smith residence? Yes, are you... Dr. Butts, yes. Margo, a pleasure to make your acquaintance, good doctor. Our family truly appreciates you going so far out of your way to see us and performing your services free of charge. Oh, think nothing of it.

As you know, I specialize in very peculiar cases, and if the briefing I was shown is to be believed, there may be a great scientific legacy within the walls of this small country cottage. Whatever your motivation, we are glad to have you since Ernie's condition began. We've been running ourselves ragged trying to hold everything together. I can only imagine. May I come in and have a look at the man? Of course, of course.

So here he is. The man who can't stop farting. Is that you, Dr. Putz? Indeed it is, Ernest. Oh, just. Putz. Indeed it is, Ernest. Just as I feared. This is more than a mere continuous stream of air, but rather a fully developed, noxious ass cloud. Pity.

I typically like to enjoy a pipe of fine tobacco while I do my diagnostics, but in the interest of not lighting the stinkiest fire the English countryside has ever seen, I suppose I'll have to abstain. Yes, Doctor. These are fully formed farts. We've had to sleep with the windows open to stop us from getting carbon monoxide poisoning,

and the temperature has been near the single digits some nights. No man should have to shiver his leaky shitter off in this punishing November chill. Doctor, I'm at my wit's end. I've been unable to work. Bills are piling up. I can't even share a bed with my beloved wife to get through the night, and it smells really, really bad. Of one of those things we can be certain, and of the rest I have little doubt. Now, Ernest, I'm going to level with you. Within the scientific community, there is a tremendous

amount of interest surrounding your case, and as could be expected, a great many strong opinions on what ought to be done about it. I don't care. I just want to be rid of this odorous curse so that I might get back to my normal life. I wish that I share, but Dr. Pendergrass of Bristol would have me attach you to a turbine as a mean of providing power for the newly invented electric

light. There is a physician in Newcastle that suggests we harvest your output as a cheap source for methane gas. In addition, members of the clergy have advocated strongly for an exorcism, and if that were to fail, an execution. Oh, Ernest. But, but Doc, you're gonna fix me, right?

You have a plan. But, Ernest, it's buts. And I do, though the margin for success lies upon a razor's edge, and that razor may as well be held at a hair's breadth from your very neck. I'll do anything to be normal again. Ernie, we can find a safer way.

What kind of doctor are you? The only one that's not trying to use you for his own malicious game. And frankly, young Margo, I'm the only one you've got. Now, I need you to cooperate fully, and I haven't time for questions. The Archbishop has deployed a crew of his most vicious exorcists to this location, and I bought us some time when I lit the ferry ablaze, but that's a mere 30-minute detour on the back of the church's swiftest steeds.

Arson? All for us? For whom was of no great importance. Now listen close and listen carefully, Ernest. I need you to insert this rectally at a depth of three-quarters of an inch. It will not stop the farts, but it will make the working conditions easier. Is... is that, uh...

Soprano saxophone, yes. No time to tarry, and she goes. Now, we've very little time. Bring me the cross-country skis I used to traverse the blizzard to get here. Doctor, this is all so unusual. Do you want your husband to stop farting or not, woman? Bring me my skis! Yes, yes, of course.

Now, Ernest! Follow me out into the snow and affix these to your shins and get down on all fours. All fours? Why? You need not worry why. Now do as I said. My apologies, Doctor. Now, I'm going to mount you in order to perform this procedure. Think of it as a chiropractic technique, but in reverse. Whatever you say, Doctor. I trust you. Now that I'm riding you like a little horsey, the truly dicey elements of the equation come into play.

Now that we're out in the open air, I feel comfortable enjoying what very well might be my last pipe full of tobacco. Oh, be careful, Doctor. We trust you, Doctor. We... We believe in you. Ha! Ernest, you fool! The saxophone was merely a ruse

to channel those fumes into the perfect metallic combustion chamber for my human-fought-powered rocket snowmobile. You bastard! So you were lying about the clergy's exorcists. Mistaken again, dear Ernest. I myself am on the run from these fiends because

I'm a fucking vampire. You bastard! You were but a sneaky pawn in an immortal bloodsucker on the run's chess game against the agents of God. Now buckle your colon, we're about to hit a wicked jump. Whoa!

Dr. Butts led his human-ass smooth jazz rocket mobile snowplow thingamajig to victory against the Exorcist in a scene that surely would have been hilarious had Connor had the discipline to either write it or gather the sound effects for it. All right, boys, the Mean Boys podcast returns with a round of our final segment and our favorite game. Ladies and gentlemen, just gentlemen, we don't know what's going on in your heads. Which of the following? Which of the following? What is happening to Connor?

Which of the following? Hey! You know, the whole thing is that Tom, like him having the sound effects has given me this extra level of anxiety. I know. Where I'm just like, are they working? What's he going to do? Oh, get fucked. I hate and love this.

I know. It is just like a weird, like, just a kid walking around the party. You know what it is? You guys have seen Boogie Nights, right? No. You guys have, right? Yeah. You know that scene where there's like the firecracker boy just like throwing firecrackers randomly and it's just like that weird tension because you don't know when they're going to go off. That's what Tom with the soundboard

is. I'm an unpredictable bomb. Yes, you are. This game comes to us from one of our favorite listeners, Callie Velasquez. Thank you very much for the game. We're going to play, which, and by the way, if you guys have games you'd like to submit,

meanboyspodcast.gmail.com or use the contact form on our website at meanboyspodcast.com. This one is, which of the following is not a real Lifetime original movie?

Oh, Lord. Yeah. So, real quick fun story about a Lifetime original movie. I got brought into this office at this production company at one point to talk about a script

I was working on. And we were just talking about other stuff we were doing. The guy's like, yeah, I just signed this deal with Lifetime where I'm producing 10 movies for them. They wanted supernatural but female empowerment. And as a joke, I went, oh, like a roller derby team that has to survive a night in a haunted mental hospital. And then he was like, that's not a bad idea. So for about three months, I was actively workshopping that movie to sell the Lifetime. And they aggressively were not interested.

Oh, man. That would have been so sick. I still have a vagina. What the fuck? Why? Why? All right. Let's get into this.

Witch of the Fog is not a real lifetime original movie? A, A Prisoner in Her Own Home. B, Every Mother's Worst Fear. C. Tom. Love you, Mom. Tom's a big hit with the parents of the girls, right? Well, most of the girls I've dated Don't have a lot of living relatives

But My current girlfriend's parent family likes me Okay yeah yeah C. A Daughter's Nightmare Or D. Her Only Child Shit I'm gonna go C. A Daughter's Nightmare I think most of the

Lifetime movies are mom based I feel like they're all for moms. Yeah, but that'd be a fun twist. This time the mom's getting molested. I like how you said mom-based. It's kind of frosting. It seems to be a buttercream. Buttercream with a mom base.

Mom with a dad swirl. Well, all moms are daughters. Can you tell me A and D again? A is a prisoner in her own home, and D is her only child. D. The fake one is A, a prisoner in her own home. I was going to say A. Oh, yeah, we forgot you were here.

Oh, Tom, do you want to play? Yeah, I say A. Incorrect. All right. Round number two, which of the following is not a real Lifetime original movie? A, The Last Trimester. I'm just picturing a fetus running away from an explosion. Oh, my God.

A pussy exploding with a fetus in a Bruce Willis action pose. Like swinging from the umbilical cord. Born hard. Nope. Oh, he's scrambling out of the pussy. Yeah, I got it. He's scrambling out of the pussy Yeah I got it He's scrambling out that pussy I'm trying folks

I'm trying Makes it snatch right even Well it's like hey If it doesn't fall under Sam Jackson's jurisdiction He has to go Flintstones feet B

I killed my BFF C She's too young Or D What her daughter saw Oh man She's too young It Or D. What her daughter saw. Oh, man. She's too young is so upsetting. I'm going A again.

Because it could mean so much stuff and none of it is good. Wait. She's young, but I mean, Tom, she's still a woman, right? Even though she's young, right? What? You have a sound effect for that? I do? What the hell is wrong with you?

I was trying to set you up for this. I still have a vagina. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, Tom would be the worst person to try to get to stop talking about something. I still have a vagina. Oh, good. I'm kicking Tom under the table and he's like,

yeah, why are you kicking my shin and winking so aggressively? I'm just trying to talk. These are my party planning biatches. What? You dumb idiot. All right, so A, the last trimester.

She's too young. Yeah, I agree with that. I think it's she's too young. The last trimester sounds like it should be, I think that's a false flag. I think it's She's Too Young. Last trimester sounds like it should be... I think it's a false flag. I'm saying A. A false flag.

What are the guesses? She's Too Young. I'm sticking with that, too. Tom? What was A? The last trimester. A. The fake one is What Her Daughter Saw.

Those other ones are real. Really gross. I thought that was like the last of the Saw movies. Oh. I thought that was like the last of the Saw movies It's just watching some girl leave the last one Yeah it was okay No I'm just imagining Jigsaw Appearing through an ultrasound machine You know

You gotta punch your way out the belly button I wanna play a game Little League Baseball Round number three. Which of the following is another real-life, semi-original movie? A, Cyber Stalker. B, Driven to Suicide.

Sorry, did you say Cyber Stalker or Soccer? Cyber Stalker. That's what I assumed. Cyber Stalker is the shittiest Power Rangers branch. C, First to Die. Or D, Happy Face Killer. By the way, not a sound effect, but Tom did get a text which sounded like a train. C, first to die, or D, happy face killer? By the way, not a sound effect, but Tom did get a text which sounded like a train.

Tom, your phone is a train. Sorry. Oh, crap. Can you run them by me just real quick one more time? I sure can. Cyberstalker, driven to suicide, first to die Die and the Happy Face Killer I'm going to say I feel like it's either B or C Yeah I'd go Driven to Die Driven to Suicide

I'll say First to Die then Alright the fake one is Driven to Suicide Hell yeah motherfucker Fuck all y'all Because that had the least amount of work in the wording for the title. Interesting. Yes, that's a good point.

All right. These are all the historical Lifetime original movies. So history, I guess. Robert Kennedy and his times. B, The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe. Okay. C, Lizzie Borden took an axe Or D, Jackie Bouvier before Camelot

I'd watch the shit out of that Lizzie Borden Who's Lizzie Borden? She killed her mother with an axe Yeah Oh She's a bad bitch What did her mom do? Get killed with an axe

This one's got two gashes There was like no Oh my god What did her mom do? Get killed with an axe? This one's got two gashes. There was like no... Oh, my God. Tom, that was the most disgusting thing anyone's ever said on the show. This one's got two gashes? Hold on, boys. All right. A was the Robert Kennedy one?

Robert Kennedy, Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, Lizzie Borden took an axe in Jackie Bouvier before Camelot. I'm going to sayot I'm gonna say I'm gonna say Robert Kennedy alright I'll go Lizzie Borden I'm gonna say Camelot alright the fake one is D

Jackie Bouvier before Camelot I knew it was one of the Kennedy ones cause that's such a you ass pick I know I didn't even make this I mean someone's just doing a little fan service for the con man

oh for real? no yeah this is Calie Velasquez. Oh, that's right, I forgot. We're going, going, to, to, think, Callie, Callie. That's what happened last time we sent in a game. And they're like, do it again. So, we're going, going, to, to,

think, Callie, Callie. Alright, well, I'm doing the podcast by myself. The guy's just scrambled. Sorry, Callie. All right, round number five. I know what you're talking about. This is not all real or all fake. He's got six rounds here.

Oh, shit. A, sex and lies in Sin City. Okay. B, sex and Mrs. X. C, sexting in suburbia. Or D, sex on the beach. Sexting in suburbia is my favorite Green day song i was about to say the same joke i saw your eyes light up and the mind meld occurred could i be any more impaled yeah one time me and keith were at a farmer's market and somehow the idea of joey

getting a javelin through his chest i know chandler getting a javelin through his chest i mean keith looked at each other at the same time and said, could I be any more impaled? And then we hugged and Tony Hinchcliffe called us gay. We gotta find new

friends, but also don't let anyone else take my man away from me. Also during the Tom Lightning round on the last MeWeWork live episode, we both

wrote down karate. One more time. Chopping and fighting. Alright, sex and lies in Sin City, sex in Mrs. X, sexting in suburbia, or sex on the beach? B. I'll go sex on the beach. I feel like that's too direct.

Keith Gary. I say sex and Mrs. X. I agree with Keith. The fake one is D, sex on the beach. Hell yeah, motherfuckers. Did I win? I got two. Did anyone beat two?

I have two. You have two? I think I have zero. Yeah. Yeah. You're not very good think I have zero? Yeah. Yeah. You're not very good at this. But round six is all or nothing.

No, it's not. Shut up. Shut up, idiot. There's never been rules. You're the only guest who's ever kept score. Round six, regulation round, worth exactly one point. Keith Carey is playing only for third place. All real or all fake? A, Devil's Pond.

B, Sleeping with the Devil C. The Devil's Child Or D. Devil's Diary These are absolutely all real I mean I wouldn't necessarily take Keith's word for anything As he is in last place It's a 50-50 choice

They're either all real I'm going all real Yeah All real or all fake I'll go all fake. They are all real. Dan Nolan, I'm sorry. You lose, bitch!

Oh, no. Good day, sir! Back to her. Well, that was Witch of the Follies. Let's play our exit jingle that doesn't exist. The airing of grievances. No, you're going to hear about it. Oh yeah, that's the intro

to that segment we did once. We threw a lot of fucking shit up against the wall during the early days of Mean Boys. Where we all agreed, let's stop trying so hard and just do puns. And just do the same three games on a rotating schedule of two often. I think that's it, guys.

I think that's the show for this week. Yeah, no mailbag this week. No mailbag because we forgot and we're all pretty stressed out trying to figure out how the sound effects thing was going to go down. Yeah.

I just want to say, by the way, thank you for everybody who came out to the live show. You guys were fucking great. Live show was awesome. Live show was awesome. Tom destroyed. Tom listing Muppets

was maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yellow, red, Grover. Dan Nolan, tell the people anything you'd like to plug, anything you've got going on. You can follow me on Twitter at DanNolanComedy if you want. I don't really tweet. It doesn't matter. And I have shows, but whatever.

Who cares? Cool. Great plug. Thank you. Yeah, if you're looking for someone who wants to go to experience his houseplant-level enthusiasm in the flesh, you can find me, as always, Keith Tells Jokes, on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. This Friday, April 28th, I will be at Barmageddon in Tulare. Saturday, I will be at Laughology in Santa Barbara.

Oh, me too. Oh, for real? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Road trip. On Cinco de Mayo, me and Connor will be doing some bullshit show in Sacramento. And stay tuned for the announcement of the next live Mean Boys at Harvell's in Long Beach in May during Long Beach Pride. Yes.

That'll be a ton of fun. Tomorrow night, I'm at the Hollywood Improv at 8 o'clock. Thursday, I'm headlining Metro Brew in San Luis Obispo. Friday, I'm headlining the Cruzburg Cafe in San Luis Obispo. I've done that show. It's a lot of fun. I've seen some Mean Boys fans there. Great show. Saturday, I'm headlining the Cruzburg Cafe in San Luis Obispo. I've done that show. It's a lot of fun. I've seen some Mean Boys fans there. Saturday, I'm at Laughology at UCB, and on Cinco de Mayo,

it's called... Here's how shitty the road gig is. It's called Hotel Luger in Mukemne Hill. Don't know what that means. Somebody knocked over a... What the hell is wrong with you all? Knocked over a Scrabble board and fucking built a town there. Indeed.

Tom, anything? Yeah, May 20th, there'll be a Kitsch Bar in Costa Mesa. You can follow me at gossgoss6 on Twitter and

Instagram or whatever, and then also listen to my podcast, Who Told You That? Conspiracy Theories and shit, and a lot of meltdowns.

Thank you. Yeah. All right, well, I think that's it for us. Let's sign off. Fuck everything. God is dead. Oh, shit think that's it for us. Let's sign off. Fuck everything. God is dead.