Mean Boys - EP 58 - Gorilla Ball (feat. Rich Slaton & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: April 30, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Fact or Fiction", “Nuclear War”, “Cock Shroud” and a game of “Which of the Following” with wrestling moves by listener Ryan Murphy. We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) And by Bouquet in a Box! Go to bouquetinabox.com and use promo code “meanboys” for 15% off your order! Follow our guest Rich Slaton on Twitter: twitter.com/mmacomic Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Listen to Tom Goss' new podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-t…d1197690915?mt=2 Listen to Rich Slaton’s podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/crime/id1209821238 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Hey, everybody. It's Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast and Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast and... Tom from here. Tom from here.

Indeed. We just wanted to welcome you guys to the show. Thank you as always for listening. Our guest this week was the wonderful Rich Slayton. You can follow him at MMA Comic. Yeah, check out his own podcast called Crime on iTunes. I'm going to be a guest on this week's episode. It's a lot of fun. Sort of like

the Who Told You That podcast, but for true crime stories. Also, please check out our sponsors, Don Carlos Toggle Shop in La Jolla, California. Fantastic. Finally made the pilgrimage down there for the crime stories. Also, please check out our sponsors, Don Carlos Tago Shop in La Jolla, California. Fantastic. Finally made the pilgrimage down there for the first time. The best burrito I've ever had. The best California burrito I think money can buy.

They're fucking amazing. Yeah. And also, by bouquinabox.com. You can go to bouquinabox.com and save yourself from fucking up Mother's Day by using the promo code MEANBOYS, all one word, to save yourself 15% and give us some vague amount of money.

I have not tasted their flowers yet. I'm sure they're delicious. They put the french fries inside the vase. It's fucking beautiful. California. They proportion out the sour cream and the stem perfectly. We've got a fun listener submitted game this episode. If you guys want to send us any questions, fan mail, anything like that, do it at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com or on the contact form, meanboyspodcast.com.

Please leave us a review on iTunes if you haven't already. It only takes a second. Helps us out a lot. 66 reviews. All five stars. No negative reviews. We were just talking about how crazy that is. Yeah, we're crushing the game. You guys are wonderful. Also, LA listeners, keep your eyes peeled. There's going to be a new date announced very soon for the next live Mean Boys show at Harvall's in Long Beach.

The last one was a rousing success. This next one is going to be bigger, dumber, and gayer. Yeah, super gay. Hella gay. And successful. Nah, we'll see. But definitely gay. Yeah, yeah.

It's going to be real gay. All right. I think that's about all the pressing business, gang. Enjoy the show. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. He sees you when you're sleeping and you know that he's not real. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm...

The bully on an adult dodgeball team. That's pretty accurate. That's really too accurate. And Mr.... The bully on an adult dodgeball team. That's pretty accurate. That's really too accurate. And Mr. Tom Goss joining us on the sound effects. I'm here! That was just such a non... It was just a lot of noise. Oh, that's a Pokeball opening.

Oh, was it? How would you like to suck my butt? Okay, well... Tom has a... I just want to share. First of all, we put out a poll to the listeners to see if Tom should keep doing the soundboard. And unfortunately, they all voted yes. Oh, God.

And number two, as we were talking about it, Tom goes, yeah, it's weird because I've never heard a show with a soundboard before. I actually haven't. No. This is the first one. It reminds me of a story about a jazz trumpet player in the South who never learned and didn't really know how to play trumpet he just like instinctively could just play in he's figuring it out yeah yeah he's all it's just a weird outsider art approach how differently he has no instincts for this yeah no no no yeah yeah what about a great time onto your butt god damn it's gonna be a lot of fucking Samuel L. Jackson.

Yeah, Tom. Oh, is that Sam Jackson again? Yeah. Who the fuck is this asshole? That's Rich Slayton. All right, that's our buddy, Sam. How dare you? I'm just prepping us

for the Sam J. What? We can't be this exasperated already. We have to do a whole show. Tom abbreviates things that have no need to be and complicates things that should be

simple. Eminem's gay on our show. Eminem's gay on our show. Did you just hit all of them at once? It's like when the superheroes just get in their powers and they keep fucking up and they don't know how to control them. That was pretty bad.

I'll admit to that one. Yes. We have a lot of Tom failures. I don't even know where that button came from. All right. Well, you might want to figure that out. In the meantime, I think we're all fired up. I think it's time for the Mexican joke off.

Up, up. Tom, you have one job. Hi, so topical. There it is. I'll uh I'll start it off oh yeah Rich is your mic I'm not sure

is my mic working yeah your mic's on oh great cool okay cool I'll uh I'll start it off this week Bill O'Reilly has announced

his plans to return to podcasting meaning someone on iTunes will finally have less legitimate sponsors than us uh indeed they will this week Caitlyn Jenner announced she may seek public office

she plans to run as a Republican, then switch parties right before Election Day. Yeah, she would be a good candidate because she's basically like if Trump and Hillary got into that machine from the fly. The brundle cunt. Yeah, yeah. Honda has introduced a lawnmower that will automatically cut your lawn and are calling it the Mexican Zumba. Fucking boo. Wait, Tom, what? Do you know what Zumba is?

Tom, you're thinking of a room. Roomba, Roomba. God damn it, Tom. The Mexican Zumba is just salsa dancing, you fucking idiot. The Mexican Zumba is just Zumba. What are you talking about? Whoops. Okay.

All right. And he's too discombobulated To even play a sound effect For his own bombing Blood, urine, or semen None of these mean anything That was not relevant In the least

Are you gonna get to Florida By riding a skyboat Next to a crazy maniac? Roomba Yeah, skyboat That's what made One of them Atlantis Terminators Right?

Oh, jeez. Moving on. A New Jersey man has been convicted of soliciting nude pictures of four boys over Xbox Live. The mother of one of the victims issued a statement saying her child has been too depressed to even call people the N-word in Call of Duty multiplayer. That's happened to me a lot. You've called a lot of children the N-word? Of course. I remember one time we had a mic on Call of duty and uh i was like you know fucking with the

kids or whatever and then one kid started getting legitimately depressed and i was doing a silly voice so i had to start giving him a pep talk in the silly voice telling him that i was just kidding and you know everything was going to be okay i think it might have been a guy like me fucking with me back trying to make me feel guilty but i guess i do like the idea of you and like a snagglepuss voice making like a ten-year-old kill themselves. Yeah, you're not very good with that noob tube, are you, Charlie? This is why

your parents are getting divorced. You don't even know the map, you little bitch. I'm gonna eat your bones. I'm gonna eat your bones. Alright. A hacker is threatening to release the new season of Orange is the New Black early unless he is paid a ransom by Netflix. The situation is being called the Bay of Pigs of basic bitches.

Fine. Oh, now you know how to do shit. All right, look. If we take House of Cards out of Turkey but don't say that we did it, will you just go along with us so we don't all have the skin melt off our throats? What about the BoJack Contra arrangements? BoJack Contra affair. The EPA removed information from its website linking climate change to human activity in order to, quote, reflect the approach of new leadership. In a similar move, the National Organization for Women changed its slogan to, well, what was she wearing?

I was actually in the National Organization for Women chapter of Chino High School in ninth grade. Obviously. Yeah, yeah. People don't know what a complex guy the con man is. A man pleaded guilty to dismembering pregnant Food Network star Chrissy Sconn-Codd. The Food Network is very upset and said that the murderer should have at least used the Food Network's

18-piece soft-rip cutlery on sale for $99. Use promo code FOODNETWORKPURCHASE at $49.99. Stop. You're taking the ads on the side for the show? Okay. A little justice in the sound effects

distribution. Wait, a lady from the Food Network got dismembered? Yes. Hold on, how many more paragraphs were in that joke? I'll pull up the article. Okay, well, maybe in the break, but wow, okay. Oh, you want to cite your sources to make that joke shittier? How did you not just make a quick chopped joke and then get on with your life?

Oh, I forgot chopped was a thing. You had the most ingredients in the world for a fucking joke and then you turned it into this long paragraph. I admit I'm a failure. That was the soylent green of jokes. I'm going to need you to isolate that thing

you just said as a drop to use on yourself. Alright. An Uber computer engineer has committed suicide thing you just said as a drop to use on yourself? All right. An Uber computer engineer has committed suicide due to the company's competitive work environment. He is survived by his wife and children who are urging the public to use his promo code when they sign up to help them pay for funeral expenses. That's how you do a promo code joke, Tom. Forty-nine, nine, okay.

That's every podcaster's funeral. Support this funeral on Patreon Bonus subscribers This morning is brought to you by audible.com Blue apron for when you're too sad to cook after this Bury me in my Mack Weldon We're going to cremate him on a man grate A new book is being released We're going to cremate him on a man grate. A new book is being released that digs deep into Hillary Clinton's failed 2016 presidential bid.

It's entitled The Little Engine That Could If It Weren't an Unlikable Robot. Oh, shit. You're not a nice person. A Chicago artist was accused of stealing the picture he used for a mural of Michelle Obama. When confronted, he replied, come on, Chicago, it could have been a lot worse. That was the dud. I told you there was one in there. Oh, like what he was going to say. Could have been very racist.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A school teacher was murdered by her ex before he turned the gun on himself. The murder is being called a half day. Oh, my God. What was wrong with you? I thought that one was good. It probably was a half day. Oh, my God. What was wrong with you all? I thought that one was good. It probably was a half day.

That probably happened after the murder. I mean... So you're just saying the facts of the case. You know, what's really fucked up is you know how many kids were just like, oh, thank God, I did not get a grip on fractions. You know? Like, phew. Guess I don't have to do cursive.

So I'm out of detention now, right? She can't enforce it. Kids are really fucking gross. On September 16th, Juggalos are planning a march on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. to protest their classification as a criminal organization. Dozens of insane clown posse plans plan to take

to the street shouting, what do we want? Whoop, whoop, when do we want it? Drugs! I'm like on the road while that's happening. And me and Jessica are seriously considering just making a detour to go. There's no reason to start yet. I will fly there and meet you. And we will do something.

In September? Yeah. Look, it's been my dream. We got to start laboring for the Mean Boys to perform at the Gathering. I've been wanting to do that for years. So yeah, we've been working on it. I will be part Mean Boys to perform at the Gathering. I've been wanting to do that for years. So, yeah, we've been working on it. I will be part of this caravan of the Gathering.

I'll go to Mecca with you guys. I'm in. Was that the most white trash thing I've said? Much in the same way, if I feel like there is martial law, I would immediately call Tom. If I was going to the Gathering of the Juggalos, believe me, you'd be on speed dial. I speak it. There's always the pocket of just straight allies, like the gay parade.

So I like the idea that we're just non-idiots for Juggalo rights. Yeah. We have jobs. And if we get into any kind of dicey situation, Rich will win our freedom with some kind of Hunger Games Frisbee golf showdown. Easily.

Also, I can speak Juggalo. I at one point proudly owned all six Joker cards Oh, Christ I was part of the Dark Carnival, friends That's a lot of Joker cards to own Eight people were injured during a shooting spree At a pool in San Diego The shooter was overheard shouting

Shamu, kill! It's a pool in San Diego There's going to be one done every time We'll go with the same theme But this time there's three duds Go ahead, Rich A gunman opened fire at a La Jolla apartment yesterday Hitting four black women and two black men

Locals expressed shock that La Jolla Had that many black people Had, yeah, that's rough Black on black face violence Police in Virginia are investigating multiple incidents of shaved cats. At this announcement, a thud was heard around the world from Andrew Dice Clay for no longer being relevant. What? I fucked up the words.

Oh. You mean you put the setup from one joke with the punchline from an entirely different joke? Tom, if you don't know English, I feel like you shouldn't be on this podcast. You want to play that drop? Wait, which one? Tom! This is teaching me I can't do the Mexican joke off-hand work with the sound.

I'm watching. Yeah, that's the problem with those jokes. Oh, no, no, that's the problem with the soundboard. Yeah, no, you had the perfect drop for this, Tom. Tom looks like a computer that's just breaking. I am breaking. I've never seen someone so stressed out. Dang it, the

Zumba's acting up again. She has so many kids, her uterus fell out. Alright, that wasn't even the one. Whatever. Okay. Christ. Tom, my blood pressure is fucking out of control now.

I can't. Too many things to do with that. You're not talking anywhere near the microphone. You're just karate chopping the air while sweating. I over bit myself. You bit off more than you could chew. You over bit yourself. This is Tom on a desert island like, yeah, I got hungry and I forgot I needed that arm to get the coconuts.

I've said this to so many guests before. Just bear in mind, Rich, you get to leave. We just live with this. Yeah, I wake up every morning with him attempting to solve problems around him. All right. He came out on the patio this morning. He's drinking a cup of coffee. He's like, fucking hate the sun.

The sun's just cuckolding my sleep. Oh, my God. Oh, the sun is cuckolding my sleep. You know, the nonsense is fun when it's strangely poetic. That's upsetting. The sun is fucking you while your sleep sits in the corner and jerks off. Kind of. That's what it feels like when I'm awake.

All right. Abort. That's what his mom should have done. Oh, shit. Oh, that was mean. Yeah, my mom's pro-life. You guys? Still? Yeah.

Maybe send her that chops joke. A new website offers counseling for... Oh, speaking of which. A new website offers counseling for... Oh, speaking of which, a new website offers counseling for American women on how to carry out DIY abortions. The group behind it says, in light of the Trump administration's position on reproductive rights,

it's more important than ever for women to have access to the stand-up clips on RichSlayton.com. Oh, that's good. That's how you kill a baby. I'm a fucking idiot. For those DIY abortions, can you go hire, four dudes from home depot

to help you out i feel like i feel like september 16th in washington might be a good place to get some diy abortion oh my god of a thousand juggalos just like abort on the fucking white house lawn oh my god well fucking you have time to get pregnant now juggalo nation well fighter jets fly overhead you know and and fucking you know violetet J plays the national anthem on harmonica. I can't imagine a day that Kid Rock will be more conflicted than the Juggalo March on Washington. Oh, boy. It's like, who do I choose? Well, they're not protesting Trump.

They're protesting their, you know, position as a criminal gang. If you read the website, there's actually a lot of heartbreaking stories like, they took my kids away because I'm a Juggalo, but I just want to whoop whoop with my little fucking monsters or whatever. I like that he sounds like, don't quit now. I got three voices. Do you want snagglepuss back? I don't think anybody wants that because snagglepuss just wants to eat your bones. That's the most frightening juggalo voice I've ever heard in my life.

Oh, yeah. Magnets, how the fuck do they work? I'll tell you. They work by clawing their way into your soul. Oh, yeah. Magnets. How the fuck do they work? I'll tell you. They work by clawing their way into your soul. Oh, God. All right. One more round of Mexican Joke House, guys. Thank God.

Beyonce is creating a scholarship exclusively for female students. Eligibility is based on SAT scores, so the scholarship is reserved for all the 1680s, all the 1680s. Come on. That was cute. That was fun. That was a good one. That was certainly cute.

Jimmy Fallon would have told that joke. You're right. He would have. Trump gave an interview this week where he admitted that he thought the job would be easier. When asked to elaborate, he explained that he thought the president was allowed to have slaves. Oh, man. That's good stuff. Tom, that is very good stuff.

It's okay. Fuck it. You got it. You got it completely. Tom, just take three jokes and put them together as one. Hit us with the fifth joke or two. Give us your Voltron. All right.

Yeah. Here's the Voltron of fucked. President Rodrigo Du Tuerte. Holy fuck. Of the Philippines. The man responsible for murdering thousands, for being suspects in drug cases, meeting with Donald Trump. Also at the meeting will be the ghost of Genghis Khan, the Green Goblin, Suge Knight, and

Zombie Hitler. That wasn't bad. I do like that the Green Goblin was involved. Yeah, I thought that was a good touch. It was very joke-like. This house is a fucking prison! Hold on, I just want you to go back and re-read the President of the Philippines name one more time. And show us how many extra letters you added.

Rodrigo Duterte. How many T's? Okay, don't read it. Duterte. Just tell me how many T's there are in that name. Two. There's two. Many.

In response to rising geopolitical tension, a U.S. nuclear submarine has arrived off the coast of South Korea. The last reported case of nuclear subactivity was in 2016 when Keith Carey ate at Jersey Mike's, then shit in my bathroom. Oh, Keith, why'd you go double jalapenos? I have become

death. Destroyer of bathrooms. All right, well, that's it for the Mexican joke-off. Tom, you doing okay? I will survive. All right. Well, the... Well, the B-Boys will be right back. Are you tired of people seeing the sensitive part of you?

Do you feel like you need to hide how much of a man you are when your manhood is at its peak? Do you have trouble hiding your big, throbbing heart or wrecked cock from your girlfriend's nosy aunt? Hi, I'm Ron Winkler with my new inspiring collection of videos

on how to keep your wood in the forest. Step aside, yoga videos. Suck my fat, P90X. Kill yourself, Billy Mays. It's Cock Shroud. Cock Shroud is a 13-volume video series committed to teaching you how to hide your angry, un-melted boner from shaming eyes, big dicks, small dicks, curved dicks, straight dicks,

herpes, chode, we have you covered. But don't take my word for it. Ask Harvey from Manitoba. Oh, yeah, before Cock Shroud, I was helpless. I was inhaling a lot of paint, trying to get myself ED because of the genital shame and what have you. And then I thought, oh, what's this about? I should find another way. And I found

Cock Shroud, and now my Mr. Peckerdoodle can come out and shine whenever he feels the sunrise on him without the fear of mace. Or ask my friend Big Big Easy Biggie Biggums Biggles Biggs from Atlanta. Yeah, I thought it was really helpful. Wow, and from a black man.

But what about those of you who don't have a python? Well, you and your caterpillar cocks can still be saved. Ask Lee. Inspirational! We all know the basic tricks. Pretending to scratch

it. Sitting down too long. Cutting it off. Holding your bag in front of it, finding a math teacher and telling her you can't answer the question. But with Cock Shroud, you will have an arsenal of easy ways to shroud your wang. Just call 1-800-NO-BONER. That's 1-800-NO-BONER. And I'll tell you what. Call right now. We will throw in an extra CD of nursery rhymes with easy ways to remember how to hide your penis. Great lines such as, Roses are red.

Violets are blue. Your penis is hard, so stab yourself in the arm with a pen. Or, Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? And do squats randomly so you can't see how easily aroused I am? Or my personal favorite, 1, 2, 3, 4, get your cock behind that door, 5, 6, 7, 8, tie your shoes unless you're wearing sandals. So call 1-800-NO-BONER today.

That's 1-800-NO-BONER today. Hey everybody, this is the Mean Boys Podcast and we have a new game that I've created for your listenership Fact or Fiction Hooray Do you guys expect this game to make sense? No, not at all We'll see

I just love how excited and terrified Tom looked to bring it back from commercial Oh boy Fiction We'll see. I just love how excited and terrified Tom looked to bring it back from commercial. Oh, boy. Fiction. Tom is behaving even more so today, like he just got unfrozen and woke up in modern day. Ice age. He's like a caveman lawyer without the law degree. Encino man-child. I know that's a movie.

I don't know what it's about. Pauly Shore's Greatest Hits. That's actually a good movie. It's a fun movie. Oh, okay. Sean Astin. Yeah, I like him. I heard he has a filthy car.

Tom, what the fuck? Were you reading the trades last week and it was in Variety? A filthy car? No, I was talking to a guy who does uh valet service and he said he's telling me how dirty sean asson's car is anyway inside celebrity gossip here in the podcast tom tmz okay so how this game works is i'm gonna read you a description of a plot and you guys have to decide whether or not it's from a movie, TV show, or book, or something that I've actually done. Okay.

All right. I like that. Oh, is it fact, meaning you did it, or fiction, it's from a thing? Right. Yes. Okay. And then some of them can be both, right? It can be both.

Fact, fiction, or both. Okay. All right. All right. This is going to be tough. All right. Okay. Because, I mean, you guys know why.

Yeah. Tom's life is a nightmare. Uh-huh. All right. Are you guys ready? tough. All right. Okay. Because, I mean, you guys know why. Yeah, Tom's life is a nightmare. Uh-huh. All right. Are you guys ready? Unfortunately. All right. A student pours two dozen chocolate milk on the basketball court he was banned from because the other students wanted to play with no punching rules.

No punching rules. Wait. I like how you're saying that like it's a special additional rule to regulation basketball. Yeah. You know, I'm going to go out right out the gate here and assume that no one is dumb enough to write that. So I'm going to go with fact. That happened to your life. I'm going to say fact as well.

I'm going to say fact as well. I do want to read you guys the North Korean basketball rules after we find out. Okay. Because they actually make it super fucking awesome. Okay. Okay. That is fact. Yeah. I was pretty upset. Okay. Because they actually make it super fucking awesome. Okay. Okay, that is fact. Yeah, I was pretty upset. Okay, hang on.

How old were you? I was in eighth grade. Okay. Wait, so when you say a no punt, you were mad because they wouldn't let you punch people? I thought we were playing gorilla ball, and then it never... Tom, you can't call basketball gorilla ball.

No, no, no. We've been over this. G-E-U. I thought we were playing Spook Hoop. Spook Hoop. We might have an episode title. Okay, only now did I realize I didn't name that. Okay.

Yeah, no, when I was in summer camp, the black kid said that when you run without your shoes off, it's called African style. So I went back to elementary school, and they were like, Connor, you ready to run the mile? I was like, yeah, I'm going to do it African style. It's similar to that, but with punching, where I played with a group of kids, and we were allowed to kick each other and shit. And then in school, people got mad at me, so they banned me from the court, which upset me.

So before lunch, I poured a bunch of chocolate milk on the court so they couldn't play. All right, I'm setting the over-under at 32 on places that he's been banned from. What do you say? I'm taking the over, to be honest. Well, it's about to be 33 because of this podcast. Okay, real quick, the rules of North Korean basketball. I think this is awesome and should be instituted. Three pointers are worth four if the ball is a swish.

Slam dunks are worth three points. Okay. A point is deducted for missed three throws. And field goals in the final three minutes of the game are worth eight points. What? Yeah. This is all good. That's fucking nuts.

That's badass. It's NBA Jam, tournament edition. You cannot write new rule. A three pointer is worth four points. Oh, yeah. If you swish. If you swish it. Yeah. All right-pointer is worth four points. Oh, yeah, if you switch. If you switch it. Yeah.

All right. If you call the backboard. Has anybody ever dunked in a North Korean basketball game? Yeah, Dennis Rodman when he played there. Okay, fair enough. You know what's weird is that I've met Dennis Rodman on several occasions, and he's also talked to the last dictator in the world. I've been in the same room as a guy that's been in the room with fucking Kim Jong-un.

And he sucked. Yeah. Who did Dennis Rodman play for again? Oh, my love. The Lakers. Wait, what? For the Patriots. No, that's basketball. Or that's football.

That's horrible. Okay, next one. I'm sorry about that. That's just That's gorilla pop. Okay, next one. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. That's just what they call it. Okay, all right. A middle school student tries to join a school founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme, but withdraws when he finds out they have placed him in the second grade. Okay, this is either a pretty good Adam Sandler movie

or the impetus for Tom's first mental breakdown. There's so much to unpack here. Yeah. Can you read that part by part? A middle school student already a problem tries to join a school founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Okay. What? But withdraws when he finds out they have placed him in the second grade. I'm going to say fiction. I'm going to say fiction as well. I'm going to go with fiction because I don't believe that Jean-Claude Van Damme has started a school

This is fact What? It's called the Van Damme Academy In Orange County Hang on, how sure are you that it was Jean-Claude Van Damme? I'm very sure Googling it Because if it's not

I'm going to laugh at you until you die. Van Damme Academy. Wait, so they put you in second grade? Well, they said that I could take the – because they had K through high school. They're like, you can be in high school for English, but for everything else, you're in the second grade. So, yeah. They weren't confident in my math skills. No one is.

I'm not. When I was in first grade, I was going to a school and I got stabbed in the neck by a little girl with a pair of scissors. Sure. And I couldn't be in that class anymore. And so my mom went to talk to the principal and the principal was like, well, the only other class we have is a Spanish speaking class. We can put him in that one.

And she's like, well, he doesn't speak Spanish. And they're like, well, then fuck him. Like, there's no solution. Okay. Yeah, I'm doing some research here. It is in no way founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme. So I think that I still get at least a half a point for that one. Yeah.

Does it say who it's founded by? Anyone who's also named Van Damme. Other people have that name. It's a large world. No, no, no. I know, but that's also named Van Damme. Other people have that name. It's a large world. No, no, no. I know, but that's what they told me. Are you even sad this whole time because you thought that Jean-Claude Van Damme rejected you? No, no, no. He also

might not be affiliated anymore. Van Damme Academy began 20 years ago with a message on my answering machine. The message from us families in California were looking for a private homeschool teacher for their two children who had worked for a mutual friend that I might be a good candidate for the job. This does not sound like the kind of phone call. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.

This is our story by Lisa Van Damme. Is the school logo like a silhouette of a man doing the splits on two chairs? If that's the case. Well, to be fair, it's a round schoolhouse. Well, then they lied to us about Mr. Van Damme. No, you for sure. No, Tom, you just took a nap in class and then had a karate nightmare and woke up and decided...

That's how I learned who Jean-Claude Van Damme was. I had no idea who the fuck they were talking about. Who do you think Jean-Claude Van Damme is? He's an action star.

The principal of that school. Yeah, fucking Jack-Claude Vanderpump or whatever. Yeah, he beat up all those fucking Ruskos. All right. A student withdraws from a play when he finds out that instead of kissing a girl, he beat up all those fucking Ruskos. All right. A student withdraws

from a play when he finds out that instead of kissing a girl, he'll be kissing a man that his crush has a crush on. Hmm.

I'm going to say both. Okay. Ooh, wow. I feel like that's definitely in a book This is the kind of love triangle that a young Tom

could definitely get involved with. Yeah. And then Tom is also very honorable, so I think he would withdraw from a play if this was the case. Yeah, my guess is both. I'm going to say both, too. I like that guess. I'm going to stick to fiction on this one because I think you just kissed the person.

Okay, this is fiction. Points to Rich. It's from Arrested Development. I knew it was from Arrested Development. Yeah, but I could definitely see why you guys would think it was me too. I can't imagine you passing up the chance

to touch a woman, so. Yeah, well, I mean, I was terrified. Actually, I don't know. All right. Are women to you like sound boards? You're like,

there's a lot of buttons I don't know what to do with them. I don't know, I keep poking it and it's not making the noise I want it to. Yeah, everyone has a new erogenous zone that triggers some kind of Sam Jackson quip.

You know when you make a lady come, and she goes, correctamundo. And I hope you burn in hell. I made her come. That's amazing. All right. I let you come furiously search through his laptop and then just did not put it. I didn't have time, especially left-handed. A group of students attempt to put an animal in the principal's office.

That's both because that's happened a million times in the universe. All right, both. We couldn't find the Wolverines to do it, though. I love how intricate every other one of these were. Wait, hang on. Shut up for a second. First of all, your plan was to put a Wolverine? We were going to find several Wolverines and put them in the principal's office.

You were going to find them? Did this ever get... Was your principal Professor X? No, it was the school we were playing. What? He's a karate master. He could fight them off. Did this ever get past the planning phase? Did you actually acquire any wolverines we were looking for them online

and that's you're gonna buy what on the dark web but we're finding well that's why we didn't go through with this also why were you trying to murder your principal no it was not our principal other schools okay that's fine that's fine die, of course. The class above us, though, did kill a dolphin, but that's just urban myth. I don't think it actually... Wait, you said that... Is it urban myth? It did happen, but it's just a myth. Well, there is this fact, but it's not really a fact.

All right. My brain is a hall of mirrors. You're proof that no kid should be vaccinated. Because some of them are meant to die. A student spends a school dance alone in the corner and starts to tear up when he watches another student go down on a girl in the middle of the dance floor. Jesus. Fuck. Fact.

I'm going with fact. That's too specific. I don't remember that from a book or a movie. Yeah. Fact. You know what? I'm going to try to jump out ahead I'm going to say fiction

It was fact Jersey Jam baby Who were you in this arrangement Oh I was the sad guy Wait how did this Eat pussy in a dance floor It wasn't very well proctored Proctored.

Proctored? Yeah, fooling Mr. Benji. Everyone get your number two pencils and start doing the Macarena. Yeah, the Kung Fu principle didn't show up so people were really going hog wild. Man, this wouldn't have happened at the Jackie Chan Institute of Higher Learning. Oh my God.

Or that guy from the Raid University. I fingered a girl during a high school dance once. Well, he did it with his tongue. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a slimy finger. I wasn't that one. Old tongue finger. Tongue calls tongues word fingers.

I went to a high school dance with a girl, and her best friend was also into me, and it basically just ended with both of them crying in the bathroom and me being like, uh, I guess I'll get some more punch. I only went to like two high school dances, and this was the last one. I was done after that. It was a middle school dance. You didn't see that as aspirational? Like maybe one day I too can eat pussy on the dance floor.

No, I was very suicidal. Yeah. Yeah middle school dance. You didn't see that as aspirational? Like maybe one day I too can eat pussy on the dance floor. No, I was very suicidal. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Fun swing. All right. Last one. All right.

Last one. Fiction. A student loans his ID to another student that student uses it to snort cocaine during math class. As the bell rings,

several other students begin licking his desk. Fact. I know for sure that's right out the gate. You told me that story. Yeah. Oh, okay.

I didn't even know. You didn't tell me that story, but that's just too facty to not be a fact. Do one more. You told that story on Mean Boys. I don't think I've heard it on Mean Boys. Oh, really? I don't think I've heard it on Mean Boys. No.

Tom, what happened? Yeah, tell the story. That was it. The guy was like, hey, can I have your ID? I was like, no. He was like, no, just for a second. I don't have mine. I was like, okay, just for a second. I don't have mine. And I was like, okay, but you gotta give it back.

I thought he was gonna steal my shit, so I give him my ID. And he just pulls out cocaine and starts hacking it up with my ID and snorting it. And then he's just like, okay. And he walks out, bell rings, and then just everyone swarms around my desk, starting to lick it and sniff it.

And I got my ID back. Smelled like cocaine. And then Sarah Michelle Gellar got arrested. I don't know who that is. That's a very out-of-date reference. All right. Should I try one more? Yeah, let's go one more.

All right. All right. A student creates a student boycott of the school, then crosses the picket line when he gets high on paint and realizes his dodgeball game was during lunch. Ooh, that's hard. There it is. You've really stumped us now. Oh, shit.

Amazingly, I still feel like this one could be both. Right? Yeah. Well, there's just so much Tom all over that one. Well, Tom. It's got to be over that one. Well, Tom, like... It's gotta be fact. There's the thing. His sense of honor.

He's like, nah, man, my dodgeball team needs me for some reason. I made a commitment to the squad. Yeah. I'm gonna say fact. Fact. Yeah. Trifecta. All right.

It's all facts. Yep. Yep. Wow. Yeah. Please explain. I dropped attendance by 12% that day. And then...

Hold on. What? Back up. Back up. How did you personally drop attendance by 12% that day? I was really fat. No, I made a bunch of memos saying, students, do not show up tomorrow. And then I passed around several hundred on school property.

And I used their paper and printers, too. I felt pretty cool. Wait, Tom, this is punk rock as fuck. I didn't this story yeah yeah that is cool why were you doing it but why were you boycotting the school um well one i didn't like the school and two they were taking away a lot of the money from the teachers and the teachers were talking about going on strike okay and then i was like my special ed teacher was the shit then and uh he did get a little worried when i started printing out all these memos in his classroom. Yeah, understandably so.

I passed them all out. And then that night slash morning I started spray painting the dodgeball uniforms and got me real fucked up and high. Didn't wear a mask. Should have wore a mask. And then I just kind of bumbled, stumbled back into the dodgeball game

we lost. That's the tragedy of this story. You were high on paint. A lot of people were real annoyed. You're the Daryl Strawberry of this dodgeball. A lot of people were both betrayed. Well, yeah, I mean, if you would have boycotted, they would have given away who it was. Did you ever get caught?

A couple people knew who it was, and they were like, why are you here? I was like, I got a dodgeball game. And they were like, that's not acceptable. I was like, I like dodgeball more than the teachers, and then we lost. The shirts were cool. We were called the Disneys,

because according to the logic of every Disney movie, we were like the worst talented team. So by that Disney logic, we were going to win the whole tournament. It did not work out but it was a cool shirt yeah i i love that scene where all the mice and cinderella huff glue and then you know and then get their ass kicked at kickball for a second i was gonna stop and call out the fact that we just glossed over his special ed classrooms and then as the story went on i was like no no that was just par for the course no it's the least surprising part of this whole story.

It's been addressed on the show before. It's deep Tom Cannon. The Tom Cannon, that's what he called his arm when he was playing dodgeball. There we go. I was more into catching the ball. I'm not very good at throwing. You look like a catcher. Yeah, thank you.

It's a gay joke. All right. The Mean Boys podcast. Wow, this has been one of our finest segments ever. Thank you for putting that together, Tom. That was a ton of fun. We'll be right back after some bullshit. Hey,

you guys cool if I listen to the radio? Yeah, sure. What else is there to do on the drive back from Fresno? Yeah, man, I like rodeos. We are now able to report that a tactical nuclear device has been detonated in Los Angeles, California. The entire city has been reduced to dust from the edge of the San Fernando Valley all the way to northern Long Beach. Now, as of right now, we are only able to speculate as to who is responsible for this unspeakable...

Holy shit! Oh my god, everyone I've ever known is dead! My swords! Guys, I know this might sound insensitive, but we have to focus on our own survival right now. Because if we died, the memories of all those people we loved are dead, too. We still have each other. And if you ask me, that's a whole hell of a lot. I love you guys.

I love you, too, man. Well, now I'm back to one pair of pants. I still have a great pair of friends. You guys are my pants now. Who would do something like this? Which Korea's the bad one? East? That's not important.

We have to get somewhere safe and find supplies. Man, swords would be really helpful at a time like this. Which Korea's the bad one? East? That's not important. We have to get somewhere safe and find supplies. Man, swords would be really helpful at a time like this. There's a gas station up ahead. Let's pull off. Okay, good idea. Maybe there's someone in there that knows more about what's going on. Wait, wait, wait. How do we know that whoever's in there isn't gonna try

to kill us? For all we know, California's under martial law by now. I guess we just have to have faith in the spirit of mankind's altruism, even in spite of whatever monster did this. Yeah, the only spirits I have faith in is Jack Daniels and that one Harry Potter ghost, No Head Carl or whatever. Well,

we have to do something. We can't just sit in this car and wait to die. These might be our last moments on Earth. We've got to be brave. That was a bad movie. I don't like bows. Look, before we go in there to face what lies ahead, we need to just take a second and appreciate what we have and where we've been.

Keith, what are you doing? The world's ending, man. Just fucking give me this, okay? This isn't a time to jerk off, dude. There's probably radiation coming up the grapevine right now. Oh, is that why it looks like that? I'm uncircumcised, you shit dick. And look, I wouldn't have to jerk it off if you could just get over yourself and touch it. I'm not giving you a handjob, Keith.

My girlfriend just got burned alive. Oh, boo fucking hoo for her. We've got to repopulate the human race. Hey, man, as far as we know, L.A. is the only city that got hit. There's probably billions of people still left. We're both dudes. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm just trying to get some sex practice in.

Could we go to the Arco on the other side of the freeway? I spent all my cigarettes on cheese. Jesus Christ, Keith. Can you really stop making eye contact with me while you're doing that? Okay, no eye contact. Maybe thigh contact is better? My mom's skin is melting off her bones right now. I'm not in the mood.

Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I'll do you first. Get your fucking hands off of me. Okay, I'm starting to get why Max was so mad all the time. Oh, God. Do you guys feel hot? Oh, my God. I'm burning up all of a sudden.

It's coming. Yeah, it took you long enough. No, I think the radiation's coming up. Oh, God, we're gonna die. Raider Nation's in Oakland, stupid. Hey, do you guys feel like your bones are all sunburned? Well, way to go, Connor. There's a mushroom cloud, and we could've come before it hit

if you weren't such a faggot about everything. Fuck. Fuck, babe, babe, wake up. I had the most. Fuck. Fuck, babe. Babe, wake up. I had the most terrible dream. Oh, no. About what, sweetie? It doesn't matter.

Just come here. I'm okay now. I love you. They were dancing in the morning. Tom's still here. Sha-na-na-na-na-na, mean, mean. All right, gang. The Mean Boys podcast returns to close out the show as we always do with a round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following.

Tom actually did. Oh, God. No dancing. The dancing's banned. Okay. All right. Well, Tom just dabbed. I would have rather that dab be a Sig Heil dance.

It looked more like a Muscle Beach fucking pose. I'm a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker, motherfucker. In no way relevant. All right. Nor true. Okay. This week's round comes to us from one of our listeners, Ryan Murphy. If you'd like to send in a game of which the following or some jokes or anything else like that,

please hit up MeanBoysPodcast at gmail.com with all of your submissions. We love to have them. We love to play them. This round, pro wrestling moves. That's going to be a good one. All right, and I encourage you guys, if you know the answer, to abstain until the end so you don't give it away for the other guys. All right, let's get going. Which of the following is a real pro wrestling move?

A, Ura Nagi. B, Shinigami. Whatiranui or d go go plata okay i expected these to be words uh yeah the the rest of them are words this first one is oddly uh asiany yeah it's this i hate this person's ryan murphy so much right now. Just knowing our fans. Just for choosing all these dork fag words that I can't deal with right now. He also sent in only four rounds, and I had to be like, hey, could you do five? He was like, oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, is this real wrestling or, like, jump on you wrestling? So three of those are wrestling moves.

One of them is not. It's jump on you wrestling. Because I know two of those are wrestling Three of those are wrestling moves One of them is not Because I know two of those words And one of them is almost wrestling And one of them is probably not wrestling So Okay I'm going to guess

I'm going to go last Knowing our fan base I'm going to say it's the one with Sheeny in it Because that's a slur for Jewish people And that seems like something our fans would write down Okay So Sheeny Gami I feel so welcomed here

Oh yeah I forgot Yeah Big Hebe Let me go last Because I kind of know some of these words Okay Okay, so Shinigami. I feel so welcomed here. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Yeah. Big heave. Let me go last because I kind of know some of these words. Okay. Can I hear? Urunagi, Shinigami, Shirinui, Gogoplata. I'm going to say Shirinui.

Okay. All right, so Gogoplata is a jiu-jitsu move. It's a shoulder lock using your legs. So I'm going to think that your listeners are dumb enough to consider jujitsu and wrestling the same thing. Those idiots. Yeah. Fucking nerds. Yeah.

So I'm going to pass on that one. Yeah, guys. Obviously, that doesn't activate the effect of a Dark World Yu-Gi-Oh card. It's a cost, not an effect. Now, here's where I nerd myself back over. Shinigami is the word that refers to the demons of death in Death Note,

the really famous... Oh, shit. Yes, it is. So I'm going to say Shinigami is the one that's not... It is Shinigami and... Yeah!

So Keith is right for the wrong reasons and Tom is wrong... For the right reasons. Not really. Yeah, they didn't teach you how to do that fucking deductive reasoning

in karate school, did they? So you guys How to do that Fucking deductive reasoning In karate school Did they So you guys You guys do know That this particular segment I guess Oh it's pro wrestling Versus

See I think this guy Is really confused The rest of them Are going to be pro wrestling Okay cool Because I I was like That's a jujitsu

I'm a mixed martial arts Play by play commentator fellas That was at my wheelhouse Yeah Yeah It's my roundhouse Follow him on twitter At MMA comic

Oh it's the I hate my handle so much. Yeah, we were just making fun of it earlier. Dude, it's so bad. I wanted to tag you in our tweet or whatever and I was talking to Jessica and I was like,

I can't find him. She's like, isn't it MMA comic? And I was like, oh, Rich. It's so, dude, here's what happened was I got...

Well, now it's like, it's good SEO. You can't give that up. Yeah, it's so fucked because I have at Rich Slayton on Twitter. I started with that one but my Twitter

was growing so slowly. I was doing UFC jokes like eight years ago. No one got them. So I started MMA comic to be like a parody account. And that one just blew up way faster than my real account. So now you're stuck with that one. Yeah. Wait, let's see what blow up means.

I want to see how many followers. No, it's not good. I just want to see where Rich Slayton followers. I'm over 1,000. I'm over 1,000. 10,040 followers. 10,000? Yeah. No, 1, not good. I just want to see where Rich is. I'm over 1,000. I'm over 1,000. 10,040 followers. 10,000? Yeah.

No, 1,000. Okay. I was like, 10,000? Man, fuck you guys. I'm out of here. I'm not good at commas. If it was 10,000, we would have had you on the show six months ago. Sure.

All right. If it was 10,000, you couldn't have got me on the show. We're opportunistic. Yes, we could have. No one likes your stuff. All right. Round number two. Which of the following is a real pro wrestling maneuver? A.

Wallapalooza. B. Bada Boom Shakalaka. C. Flying Firecrotch Guillotine. Or D. Nut Crackalackin. Bums me out that any of these are real. I don't like this. Do you want to just play the other

Lifetime movie game? Wallapalooza. Okay. Bada-boom-shakalaka. Gotcha. Flying Firecrouch Guillotine. Gotcha. Nutcrackalackin. I say Nutcrackalackin. I'm going to say Flying Firecrouch Guillotine because wrestling people like words that sound like they're like onomatopoeia-ish. Yeah. So like

waka-waka-doodle or whatever the fuck the rest of those were those make sense yeah flying fire crotch one no what is c again c is flying firecracker red hair yeah flying firecracker guillotine c and b are both flying crotch guillotine yes they both all four of them are yeah i'm looking for the one in the middle that's not the one rich uh it's bada boom sh Shakalaka. Bada Boom Shakalaka is B. Flying Firecrouch Guillotine is C. Okay. I'm going to go just Devil's Advocate, B. Okay.

Wait, did you say C? I don't know if you know what Devil's Advocate means. I said C. No, he said C. Oh, then I say B. I don't like that you're calling Rich the devil, all right? That's really destructive. Fairly fair, though.

I'm thinking that he got us into a couple of genocides. I'm calling me the advocate for the devil. The devil could get a way better lawyer. There's a bunch of Jews down there. Anyway, the fake one's D, not crack-a-lackin'. Ah, shit. God, I'm killing it this time. That one just seemed like such a nice, cheesy 1990s wrestling move.

It felt too good. It felt like Rikishi probably did that one. Oh, God. Right? I mean, Keith has played 55 games of Witch of the Following. He's pretty good at it. He's somehow... Yeah, ignore the fact that I went 0 for 5 last week.

Yeah, well, he's the only person to ever go Witch of the Following undefeated on Australian Towns. I forgot about that one. Yeah, yeah, 5 for 5. All right, moving on. Round number three, Witch of the Following. It's not a real pro wrestling move. A, Shadows Over Hell. B, Beelzeb All right, moving on. Round number three. Which of the following is not a real pro wrestling move? A, Shadows Over Hell.

B, Beelzebub's Incantation. C, Sister Abigail's Kiss. Or D, Cattle Mutilation. All of these are Death Grip songs. That's a very loose Death Grip lyric. All of these are Tom Goss diary entries. Yeah, I killed a cow And kissed a lady I'm gonna go with Beelzebub

Just cause I don't Really looks like it should be what your name is Like I feel like just like phonetically That sums up your general vibe He's just the dirty version of Satan Cause it's true That wasn't Sam Jackson Try that again

Is it okay It's funny Cause it's true Not anymore though Worth doubling back to Oh sorry What's A A is shadows over hell

And C It's like a moon's over Miami I was just gonna say Let's run them down one more time Yeah run them all over Alright Shadows over hell Beelzebub's incantation

Sister Abigail's kiss Or cattle mutilation I'm gonna say I like that it kinda rhymed I'm gonna say shadows over hell Same here Shadows Over Hell, Bill's and Bub's Incantation, Sister Abigail's Kiss, or Cattle Mutilation? I'm going to say... I like that it kind of rhymed. I'm going to say Shadows Over Hell. Same here. Shadows Over Hell. Everyone's got their guesses in.

The fake one, B, Bill's and Bub's Incantation, Tom Goss is on the board. Oh, shit. And Dancing Unsettlingly. Yeah, I feel like we already... Is there a way from a dance settlingly? It's like,

oh, that dance makes me feel comfortable. This would be a more upsetting thing to see on a dance floor than that guy eating pussy from earlier. This is great stuff for an audio medium gang. Tom does a Steamboat Willie finger wag, which I really like. Your social media should just be gifs of him doing dance moves. We've talked about doing the hamster dance website, which is with Tom doing that dance. Oh, yeah. Tom was complaining about gifs outside earlier.

He's like, yeah, why don't they make animated Skippies? They're creamy. Number, round number four, which is not a real rustly, bestly, decily, Del. A, five arm. Okay. B, soul food with soul spelled S-O-L-E. That's pretty good. C, frog stomp.

Or D, Mr. Salty. What was A again? A was Five Arm. There's a hyphen in between five and arm. Let's see. Yeah. Mr. Salty, I could see, like, just me teabagging, and then I don't understand. Like, Five Arm, I don't get.

Mr. Salty would be, like, a guy that has millions of subscribers for, like, streaming his, like, Halo videos, you know? Oh, yeah. I think Frog Stomp is a song i'm gonna say five arm i'm gonna say frog stomp frog stomp five arm mr salty for me uh what mr salty as your new twitter handle yeah we're slating following that as good as anime comic all right guys the fake one is c frog stomp frog stomp yeah i don't know why that sounds racist though it does right wait till you get to the all real or all fake oh god that that sounds to me like something that like uh like richard spencer has tattooed on his arm a frog stomp oh yeah no i saw i saw a frog stomp in a boot party you're very similar a lady followed me on instagram and

like it is her bio it was like a, 24, blah, blah, blah. And then she had the frog emoji, which I know means that she's from New Zealand, but I'm like, you might want to take that out in light of recent events. Sure.

Because it's making you look like a weird fucking Austro-Nazi. Here's my pillowcase and the head emoji. Oh, no, it's just my spooky wizard emoji. How funny would it be if the KKK had a group text and you know, you can change the thumbs up emoticon on Facebook. They change it to the spooky ghost.

And someone holds it and makes it really big like... Alright, moving on. Round number five. All real or all fake. Which is the following? Blah, blah, blah. Wrestling. Bullshit.

A. Flying asshole. B. You pornplex. C. The Clu Cluck Slam. Oh, no. Or D. Debt and we're dead. Real. Clu Cluck Slam is what you can get at Denny's on your birthday in Alabama. Is it called Debt and we Dead, or is it called...

Yeah, it's... It's the actual... If only we had a guy with a soundboard who could have played the Jamar button. Does it land on the hard R, or does it land with an A? It lands with an A. Ah, see? Because that's a very different move. Yeah.

How it's spelled. Yeah. I'm... That's a... They've got to be fake. I'm going to say all fake. Rich Slayton. Ah, but they could be like some like... You know what? I'm going to buck the trend and'm gonna say all fake. Rich Slayton. You know what?

I'm gonna buck the trend and say they're all real. I'm switching back over to all real because I think this is like weird backyard wrestling leagues. Yeah, I'm saying all real. Knowing your fan base is just a weird back wrestling. All real. All right, they're all real, guys. Congratulations.

You've won? So is that last one Hulk Hogan's new finishing move? Man, Rich Slayton. Should have dated my daughter, brother. On fire. Dude, fucking great having you on the show, Rich. This is so much fun. We have a couple questions.

Rich, tell us if anything you want the listeners to check out. Check out his podcast, Crime, on which I was recently a guest. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, Connor was just on. Actually, Connor's episode comes out this week, so check it out. Just look up my name, Rich Slaton, S-L-A-T-O-N. Or Rich and Crime. You'll get to their podcast, and there are several negative reviews.

Yeah, yeah. Of which we have none. Yeah, you can see the people who went out of their way to hate us online. Yeah. All right, we've got some questions here. If you could suck any politician's dick, who would it be and why? This is tough. Ooh, that's interesting.

I'm going to say Bill Clinton because I feel like he'd be the most likely to get into it. Sure. I feel like we could tag team a fat bitch and then just slip over and he'd be fine. I'm torn between JFK and Mike Pence and just wanting to make him like kill himself. Well, I have a whole bit about I want to buttfuck Mike Pence and just get him to accept himself. That seems fair. I would probably blow

JFK. Well, you know what? JFK had STDs. Maybe Bobby Kennedy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess he was a politician. Now, before or after he died? While the blood's coming out. On the floor of the hotel. You just let him go soft in your mouth as the blood seeps out?

I'm doing this to get information. Dead men tell no tales, all right? I want him in his prime, you know? Well, this time traveler is terrible at CPR. Tom? I mean, I'm not a big fan of sucking dick, but... I'm not that into it, you know. I'm going to say Schwarzenegger or Karl Rove.

Well, Schwarzenegger's probably got a pretty small dick from the steroids. Yeah. That's very ergonomical. So you wouldn't hurt your jaw. I get that. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. But why would you suck a small one, though?

If you're going to suck a dick, suck a big one. Yeah. No, because, I mean, it's fucking... I don't even like chewing fucking a tough piece of tri-tip, you know? Yeah, but like. You don't suck dick on the regs. You have one experience with it. Do you want to be a lame dick?

Not in a box with a fox would I suck these cocks. I'm just saying. I think it, you know, I think any dick I'd have to suck is going to be too big for me. You know, I don't think, I don't think I'm like, ah, this would have been so much better if there were nine more inches to it. Like, I don't – you know what I mean? Yeah, if you're watching a bad movie, you're not like, I wish it was longer. That's a fair point. Yeah.

I'm going to go with Anthony Weiner just because people keep sucking that dude's dick. There must be something good about it. Yeah, that's true. Right? What comes out of there? Man, I really wanted Huma Abedin to be chief of staff. Huma Abedin jokes

are going to come back, guys, in a big way. I'm sure. How do you feel about the writer's strike and responsible farming? What? I don't know anything

about either of those things at all. I know one of them could potentially fuck us real bad. Yeah, I mean, if we don't get the kind of vegetables that Tom needs to stay alive. Tom's my favorite vegetable thank you hey at least you said your favorite uh several pills fell out of

frankly i'm hoping the writer's strike goes on for six months because i have an uh an unscripted uh roasting uh cardboard box show with keith that uh we desperately need to sell yeah so guys this is your sweet spot yeah sorry about your family burns. Yeah, sorry about your family split. How about your boys? Yeah, we got you. I knew Keith had big tits, but that's a huge bra. That's just a response to the picture that we tweeted out for the questions. It's just not a very nice thing to say.

When Tom looks into a mirror, does he think it's a different fat lesbian mechanic staring back at him? I know who I am. Yeah, but none of us do. Yeah, I'm the inadvertent paint huffing. And also, I don't think you do. I mean, I think I do. I'm an inadvertent paint huffing civil activist. I'm Jean-Claude Van Damme, right? I'm a child of Jean-Claude Van Damme,

and I am a watcher of people getting finger banged at a get-together. Look, I've been outsmarted by many things, but I will never be outsmarted by a fucking mirror. All right. I know what I look like. Smash cut to Tom walking into a screen door tomorrow. Ah, shit. I thought that was one of them fat crows.

I was trying to play chicken with him. Can you play chicken with a crow? Chickens can't fly. Anyway, yeah, I locked myself out of my car. I gotta call a double A or whatever. Yeah, I need batteries. Anyway. We got plugs, gentlemen? Tommy, anything? Tom, name five cars. Go.

Fuck. Honda, driving Acura, pickup truck, and motorcycle. Flintstones. I've been wanting to do that all episode. Oh, yeah.

Give him another one. Oh, my God. Fuck. Oh, my God. Tom, name seven kinds of soup. Oh, tomato, cream base, mushroom and cream, bisque, chowder, canned, and marrow. Marrow?

Yeah, that's how you make soup from home is you melt down the bone marrow. What happened in your house? Now it makes delicious soup. This is how we find out Tom's dad is a serial killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hitchhiker. Squirrel. Secret meat. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hitchhiker.

Squirrel. Secret meat. Oh, my fucking God. I'm sorry that your little brother went missing soup. Oh, shit. Also, May 20th, I will be at the Cask and Hammer in Costa Mesa. Come out to the... That's not where that is. It's in La Habra, but whatever.

Oh, not the Cask and Hammer. The Kitch Bar, Costa Mesa. Oh, I think I'm going to be... Yeah, no, we're on the same show. not where that is It's in La Habra But whatever Oh not the cask and hammer The kitsch bar Coast of Mesa Oh I think I'm gonna be Yeah no we're on the same show Oh that'll be fun Yeah Cinco de Mayo

Me and Keith Will be at Hotel Luger In McKimney Hill And then the day after that We'll be at Apcal In Fresno Something or other Performing at a big old

Winery thing Yeah That'll be cool And then May 7th I'll be at the Chatterbox In West Covina Doing 30 Minutes On May 13th I will be at the Chatterbox In West Covina Doing 30 Minutes On May 13th

I will be at Laughology At UC Santa Barbara May 20th I will be at Tournament of the Nerds Teaming up with Joe Starr From Screen Junkies We're doing some bullshit

Because we won last month Alright And follow the podcast Crime is basically Mystery Science Theater 3000 For true crime stories Follow us on social media At CrimePod

Connor's episode is this week It's very very funny And that's it Oh you can also follow My shitty Twitter handle That we already made fun of Because it's terrible Mr. Salty

Yeah Follow me at Mr. Salty Send dick pics Follow me at Karate Man Frog Chop Follow me at Beelza Tom Alright guys

This was a lot of fun let's sign off fuck everything God is dead