Mean Boys - EP 59 - Cum Funnel (feat. Ehsan Ahmad)

Episode Date: May 2, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Porn Comment or Yelp Review", “Boner Island”, “P90-X Wife” and a game of “Which of the Following” with Lifetime Original Movies by listener Cali Velazquez. Buy the new “Fuck everything, God is dead!” t-shirt! Available for a limited time: https://teespring.com/fuck-everything-shirt#pid=369&cid=6517&sid=front Shop through our Amazon link and support Mean Boys at no extra cost: https://www.amazon.com/?tag=meanboys-20&camp=1&creative=4285&linkCode=ez We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) And by Bouquet in a Box! Go to bouquetinabox.com and use promo code “meanboys” for 15% off your order! Send us an email at [e-mail] Follow our guest Ehsan Ahmad on Twitter: twitter.com/mrjbahmad Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: www.soundcloud.com/meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043)1 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. Hey everybody! How's it going guys? We've got some exciting news for you this week. We have a new t-shirt campaign up for sale. Oh shit, dawg. Yeah, that's right. It's the Fuck Everything God Is Dead t-shirt. Emblazing our signature sign-off catchphrase on your chest. We've been talking about this shirt for a while, so I'm real excited that it finally exists.

There's a link to it in the show notes. Please pick one up. We sold a hot 15 of those Karnak and Dawson t-shirts. Great shirt. I still wear it all the time. It looks fantastic. And I couldn't afford one, but I'm going to buy one of these ones. Yeah. And maybe me and you will roast battle in them.

I don't know. That sounds like a fun bit of cross promotion. We can discuss that off the air. Ha, cha, cha, cha, cha. Yeah, it's like basically the British propaganda. Keep calm and carry on posters, but don't know the fuck everything. God is dead. That's what it says.

I don't know. Good work there we got it upside down cross on the top it's a ton of fun also uh a new a new way to support the show we have an amazon link a lot of these podcasts have one of those you just go to the mean boys podcast homepage click through the link in the center of the page and the support the show heading with all our other sponsors on there and it'll kick us back some money at no extra charge to you we also have a link to that in the show notes and look i, I know a lot of podcasts have these, but please, we're the mom and pop store on the corner. All right?

Just come in. Give us your business. Just help us out, man. It's going to influence my life a lot more than Bill Burr and Adam Carolla. Yeah, they're fine. We need your eight bucks. Yeah. I overdrafted my credit card to buy Tapatio earlier.

Yeah, this broken podcast recording studio doesn't continue to not fix itself, okay? Indeed. Yeah, you know what? If we get five people to do it, perhaps the headphones will work in both ears. Nah, I wouldn't count on it. Keep sending in your Witch of the Following submissions, all your fan mail. We love hearing from you guys whenever you send in anything in. Please take a minute to review us on iTunes

if you haven't already, because that makes us look quasi-legitimate. Yeah, no, we just want to, like we say, we just want to have more reviews than all the people whose podcasts we've had on the show. Yeah, like really, don't do it that makes us look quasi-legitimate. Yeah. No, we just want to, like we say, we just want to have more reviews than all the people whose podcasts we've had on the show. Yeah, like really, don't do it to help us.

Do it to make Kyle Clark feel bad. Yeah. All right? He's too happy all the time. It's creepy. Yeah, crush his heart. And then just tell a friend, thank you for listening.

And here is, oh, our guest this week, Asana Maad. Fantastic. Yeah, great comic. Kind of fun. Yeah. Check him out on all the social medias

and what have you go see his show if he's in your town he's very funny and he did a fucking great job this week so we're excited to have him alrighty then

here's the show everybody Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. You're just a series of lies you've committed to telling yourself. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... The guy tech support calls for tech support. Nice, nice. Yeah.

I'll take that. I'll take that. Yeah, which, granted, not the most inspired, but sometimes you get eight seconds to come up with something racist and shitty to say about an Indian nerd. Yeah. I'll take that. but some things just don't work out the way you want them. You know, and you get the closest thing to Jamar. You know what I mean? I don't think there could be a further opposite. I mean, I could be white. You remember those ads in old comic books? I mean, you're trying pretty hard.

With the nerd who was getting sand kicked in his face at the beach by the jock? That's Jamar and Hassan. Oh, man, my sandcastle. Oh, you ruined it. You got it all over my hot fudge sundae. No, none of the girls want to go study with me. Oh, please. This is why I'm not going to be good at surfing.

None of the girls want to go to study with me before the sand was in my face. I don't think the sand was holding me back. It's the irony of using sand to bring about the... I'm just kidding. Yeah, something, something. We got there. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Are you even Indian? You're not Indian, right? I'm technically... I'm from the Indian subcontinent. I'm Bangladeshi. We got there. Are you even Indian?

You're not Indian, right? I'm technically, I'm from the Indian subcontinent. I'm Bangladeshi. That's Indian. Oh, okay. Bangladeshi? Yeah. It's a different country, but it's the same people.

A subcontinent's like a subreddit, but with more like malaria, correct? Right. And more mosquito net. It's India's comment section. India's comment section. Ahsan, thanks for coming and doing the show. Tell the people a little about yourself. And nobody cares.

It's an old joke. I didn't see it coming. I walked right into that. Even with those nerd glasses. Yeah, you fucking dork. Stand in my face. How am I supposed to see anything? I love that we've jumped on this nerd thing as though we're like two cool, tough dudes. Yeah, I'm

wearing a t-shirt from my own podcast. And we have had multiple conversations about various anime properties on the couch behind our house. And I spent the morning reading about Dr. Doom. I just think next to me you guys just look like jocks. I think that's the one time you guys get it. You're like, when I was in

You're the fat friend that I take clubbing with me, so I look back. When I was in elementary school, I would get beat up a bunch because I like when I was in. This is the fact that you take clubbing with me. So I look back. Yeah. When I was in elementary school, I would get like beat up a bunch. I was like the, you know, fat weirdo. So like me and the other fat weirdos would just kind of pick on the retarded kid. You're the retarded kid. The hierarchy.

Sorry, the retarded kid. If you're listening. Also, good for you for figuring out how to do stuff. I'm pretty sure a lot of people in this podcast were once the retarded kid. That's true. Some of them still are, especially the one who got a tattoo. Someone got a tattoo of this? Oh, yeah.

Somebody got a fuck everything, got his dad tattoo and tweeted it. Oh, wow. And I have never been so proud. Oh, yeah. No, that was really the first time I felt like I made it. It was a couple weeks ago, and then two days ago, me and Connor were driving somewhere, and there was a pause, and I was like, wait a minute. We forgot about that tattoo, but that dude still has that tattoo.

That man is going to be buried with that tattoo. I mean, he forgets about it until he tries to get a job at a different Chili's. There's a whole big inquisition into his motives. The Chili's inquisition. Speaking of retards, there's a... Amazing segue. I saw this ribbon at a Walmart and it was a penguin and it said, I dressed myself today on it.

And I was just like, that bummed me out so hard. If you get that, it's all about the little victories. Well, I feel like anybody who's wearing that ribbon, I'd be like, yeah, we can tell. You definitely didn't get help. Yeah, you buttoned one of those buttons to the eye hole of your shoelace. Yeah, the shirt's mostly just sticking together with paste and mayonnaise at this point. It's just a ribbon?

It's a ribbon, yeah. For some reason, I imagined a shirt. Like a first place ribbon for a fair with the little twiddlies on the bottom and the bow. If you're handed that, you should also be handed a gun at the same time. You know what to do. Come on. Yeah, I mean, it was fun. And I think about it about once every six months and I'm just like, man, some mom bought that

and she needed it because it's really hard to raise that kid. And then he's having a tough time, but she's doing the best she can. Yeah, and now he has the confidence to dress himself. Yeah, like that penguin for some reason. That's such a lazy day. It's hard to get into a tuxedo like that. Oh, maybe that's what it was it's hard to get a tuxedo like that oh maybe that's what it was i think that's i think it's a tuxedo joke i'm just picturing some just bedraggled

guy who has to make all these fucking participation ribbons just i don't know a penguin they like those i don't know it's never gonna take off it's like you dumb kid all right gang it sounds like we're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexican joke. All right. I'll take us away. A new study shows that twice as many children contemplate suicide as did 10 years ago. This serves as a sobering counterbalance to public opinion, proving that the youth of today are, in fact, getting smarter. Good for you, Tyler.

Seeing the world for what it is. Ten people were shot by a gang in Chicago, two of whom died. The police are condemning the shooters for the crimes, while the gang is condemning the shooters for having lousy aim. Seriously, what kind of gang with a machine gun can't even take out all ten? You know, gangs aren't what they used to be.

Seriously. Back in my day. According to the new CBO report, most of the 24 million people who are projected to lose their health care under the new health care law are people who voted for Trump. So, you know, finally, some good news. Fucking whoops. You think gangs have quotas? You know, like you're not hitting your accuracy ratio. When I worked at Ross Dress for last, there was this thing that timed the in-between transactions. And then, like, the longer it was, the worse your score was.

And I figured out how to cheat the system. So I basically had, like, 125% superhuman, like, check that score. I did the same thing at Target. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You log out and log back in with the thing held right in front of the scanner. I don't think you can do that with killing cholos. Like, I think it's a different algorithm. It's more like, you know know If you stay away From gang areas

At the end of the month You miss the You miss the gang members Trying to hit their quotas Yeah exactly You don't get The pizza party And then it's

Why are you even in the crypts Yeah it's fucking Sweeps week in Inglewood Sweeps week in Inglewood Marine biologists Are trying to call The rapidly rising Death count of leopard sharks

In the San Francisco Bay The scientists at Worker Dismayed that Even the most tolerant waters of the country's most liberal bay provide shelter for the persecuted leopard print shark. What? Oh, it's like a gay shark. Oh, okay. Leopard print.

These aren't great. For the listening audience, I've recorded enough of these with Connor. My favorite thing is seeing the look of defeat in his eyes when he's like, well, we're going to get through this one. Okay, wait, I got a better one. A man has shot a 90-year-old woman after she scolded him for throwing chicken bones on the sidewalk. I've heard of having a bone to pick, but this is ridiculous.

Oh, nice. There's a mean boy's ass. I was just trying to do something a little more elegant than that. That's the best joke, right? Yeah. It's over, right? Good podcast. Let's bottom out here.

A California restaurant ran a Cinco de Mayo event where patrons were invited to climb an inflatable wall right yeah it's over right yeah well let's good podcast let's bottom out here a california restaurant ran a cinco de mayo event where patrons were invited to climb an inflatable wall and receive a souvenir green card the event was met with criticism on social media rivaling their mlk day promotion free at last free at last wings or buy one get one free at last i do really want to give a shout out The restaurant in that joke Is Hennessy's in Dana Point Where me and Connor

Have performed multiple times Really That's not a good promotion I want to be part of that And to their credit They interviewed the guy And he was like No it's a joke you idiots

We think Trump's an asshole I may not get there with you An El Paso high school Chemistry teacher Got busted for Manufacturing meth He's expected to serve 99 years for being A totally unoriginal hack An El Paso high school chemistry teacher Got busted for manufacturing meth He's expected to serve 99 years For being a totally unoriginal hack

Oh I know, how could you watch that show And be like, that's a great idea Yeah, that ends well He only got season two He just read the TV Guide blurb And was like, sweet There was someone at the time

Who was like, legit making meth In an RV in the middle of the desert Just really angry Oh, yeah, just like, fuck Just stepping on my fucking toes And then like, the time who was like legit making meth in an RV in the middle of the desert. Just really angry. Oh, yeah. Just like, man, you're stepping on my fucking toes. And then like the other dealer was like, hey, man, it's just parallel thought. Yeah. You got your own spin on it.

Yeah. Yeah. Or all the real mobsters when Sopranos was hot. Just like, okay, now I got to get out of waste management. It's the same premise. They just took it somewhere different. You know, it's not the same thing. They fucking men see it.

Emmanuel Macron defeated far-right nationalist candidate Marine Le Pen in the French presidential election. The 39-year-old Macron's wife is his 65-year-old former drama teacher, and pundits say the centrist president-elect is appealing to conservatives by basically being a human Van Halen song. Hot for teaching. I don't know enough about Van Halen to laugh. I just laughed off Caden Salone. You got it. Here's the thing.

It's very specific and it's not that good, but I... Somebody listening to this is going to enjoy that joke. Yeah, yeah. That's all you need. Look, this is the fucking Venn diagram of my life is obscure political analysis and butt rock. Fair. Makes me feel any better. This one's even more specific.

As long as the guy with the tattoo laughs, he should be fine. Yeah. He's just carving it off his arm right now. Yeah, with one of those Thanksgiving moto saws. Just like,

do you want the dark meat of my fucking wasted $400? Should I just give you the skin? Oh, God. Olympic bobsled champion Stephen Holcomb was found dead at the age of 37 the captain of the jamaican bobsled team issued a statement saying quote feel the rhythm feel the

rhyme he died too young it's a real crime cool mornings you just were looking for excuses that voice sure was i haven't seen cool Runnings. You got the reference. Oh, I mean, I figured that's my only bobsled. Yeah, it's like the Van Halen thing. Somebody out there really liked that. It wasn't me, but somebody liked it. Protesters made a protest in Portland, hurled Pepsi can at the police, proving once and for all advertising really does work. They would have thrown Coke cans if it wasn't for that ad.

I feel like you want to go with the cheap. I mean, the density of the can is the same. I would have gone with a Mr. Thunder or something. Oh, yeah, like the Kirkland brand bullshit water. Or like La Croix or whatever that is. I see that everywhere. Oh, no, Portland. La Croix is like fucking gold dust. Yeah, that's their currency.

Oh, that's how they live. You can walk into a Buffalo exchange and buy a new Ramones t-shirt with it. A Girl Scout in the Czech Republic is being protected by the government after standing up to neo-Nazi protesters. If the 16-year-old Good Samaritan wants to go anywhere now,

several Czech policemen will have to tag along. God damn it. How did you make a joke about Nazi violence adorable? That's just what I do, baby. You all have a lane, right? All right. A German city was evacuated after several undetonated explosives from World War II were discovered near homes and businesses. Authorities say they haven't seen that many antiquated bombs since Joe Dosh quit the Mean Boys podcast.

God damn. Goddamn. Goddamn. Joe, there's no way you're listening, but I love you. Oh, man. Love you, too. Saudi women no longer need permission from men to travel and study, which still doesn't matter because they still need permission to go outside and read. Jesus. One day, women.

You'll get it. Okay. You'll get there. You'll get there You're watching somebody try and learn how to do a kickflip And not get basic human rights Man you totally beefed And had to live in subservience For another generation Radical

Oh man you've really stunted the curve of human progress Created an asymptote Of antiquated ideas Oh asymptote I've never heard That word before Asymptote Good math

It's a mathematical concept You know Like say you have A parab Anyway We'll get into it later The asymptote Is that like a butt purse

Or something Sorry I missed Tom Yes Yes it is Tom Alright Correctamundo That is The worst Samuel L. All right. Correctamundo. That is the worst Samuel L. Jackson impression I've ever heard.

Correctamundo. Hello, I'm the black one. Correctamundo. One of my favorite memories of Ahsan is Ahsan is an employee at the Hollywood Comedy Store. There's a show every Monday night where they feature all the employees called The Potluck. And his first time performing on the show, the of the show was like giving him this great introduction they're bringing the lights down as he's talking you know because they turn the lights off as the employees go up later in the night and he's like alright it's a long held

tradition here at the Comedy Store that all the door guys are comedians you've seen Sam Kinison, Mark Marin work their way up to the top of show business from this job and tonight we like to showcase some of these up and comers our next comedian is the newest employee here at the San Diego you know at the LA Comedy Studios, really making a name for himself.

I'm proud to call him my friend. You guys are going to love him. Everyone, please give it up for Hasan Ahmad. It's a nice round of applause. It's a really beautiful moment. And then he just walks up and goes, hi. Hi. I could not have been less fucking, oh, not me.

Any who's a Wisconsin school has been fully evacuated after a student showed up wearing a Darth Vader costume. School authorities have been accused by some of being alarmist, but the head of security issued a statement saying he was just looking out for the younglings. All right. Here's the problem. And Connor, I'm going to put the choice on you. I have two jokes left. One is kind of funny, but pretty stupid. The other one is also kind of funny, but maybe the most upsetting thing I've ever written. I'll do the upsetting one. All right. That's why I'm going to put this choice on you. I have two jokes left. One is kind of funny, but pretty stupid. The other one is also kind of funny, but maybe the most upsetting thing I've ever written.

Oh, do the upsetting one. All right. That's why I'm here. I mean, look, I know that there's probably only that second joke, and you're just looking for a ticket to ride, but I just can't say that. No, I have another one, but here we go. A Kansas man was sentenced to life for abusing and starving to death his seven-year-old son. The man said the starvation was accidental, as he thought there were more calories in

cum. Oh. You of all people should know the amount of calories in cum. I mean, clearly a bunch. Well, now I'd have to save a seven-year-old. That's for sure. You gotta bump up cum intake. Isn't that what they use to force-feed the Guantanamo Bay prisoners?

They just put a funnel in their throat? A cum funnel. Well, we have an episode title. There it is. Why doesn't iTunes ever put us in the new and noteworthy section? I don't know. Even though our podcast art changes every six weeks and all our episode titles sound like weird nihilist poems.

Yeah, I would love to show my mom an episode I'm on called Come Funnel. Oh, please do. This is not Come Funnel Cake. Well, it is now. Yeah, it is now. Hey. Yeah, nice improv there.

In a show of how topsy-turvy... I have no good ones left. In a show of how topsy-turvy the world is, Emmanuel Macron, a centrist-defeated far-right candidate, Marine Le Pen

in the French election. Yes, leave it to the French to be the ones to stand up to this new wave of Nazism. Everything's backwards. What's going on here?

It's a real sad state of affairs when the only thing we can get excited about now is like, well, maybe France is going to get it together. Yeah, maybe France will be the one to lead our world. I guess they're called Freedom Fries for a different reason now, right, gang? That's like making the movie that only gets nominated for the Oscar for sound mixing

and you're just like, well, we're not getting anything else, but come on this one. Oh, yeah, but the suicide costumes were on point. Suicide Squad. Suicide Squad has an Academy Award. Oh, that movie won something? It won Best Makeup. I mean, I guess that makes sense. I mean, whatever.

All right, that was a whole barrel of uh fucking uh whatever uh more mean boys after this the mean boys podcast will return in a moment but we're reminding you that we are as always sponsored by don carlos taco shop in la jolla california the finest mexican food that money can buy i forgot the word money for a second uh go to eataburrito.com for more information they cater shit they got all kinds of crazy fucking menu options. Do your research before you go in there. Don't fucking hold up the line just while you're aghast with the possibilities

splayed out before you on a chalkboard. I stopped by here while I was in San Diego recently and had the best California burrito I've ever had in my life. And I gotta tell you folks, I've had a lot of them. So please, support Don Carlo. Support Mean Boys. Do you love porn but hate the malware and pop-ups of free tube sites? Do you struggle to find your favorite videos as they are deleted and reposted

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So come on down to Boner Island for all the beaches you can handle. All right, gang. The Mean Boys podcast returns with a fan-submitted round of one of our favorite games. Let's play Porn or Yelp Review. This is the worst Indian place in Brentwood. Oh, God. This one comes to us from one of our oldest, most favoritest listeners, Mr. Ryan Colby, following on Twitter at RyanColby1984.

I've memorized his Twitter handle because that's how much he sent stuff into him. You know, we told him to kill himself in our big 50th episode picnic sketch. That's what we do for our fans who are, like, super highly involved. We literally had all our characters yell that he should kill himself. And you know what? I'm very glad he didn't because I did not feel like looking through a bunch of Yelp pages today. Have you ever heard this segment on the show before? I haven't heard this segment, no.

Okay, so basically we're going to read you a bunch of things that are either comments from a Yelp review or from a porn video. Oh, nice. And then we've got to figure out which one's which. And it is surprisingly hard to figure out. One of the best things about life is reading Pornhub comments. Just like, how do you have this time, man? It really is. I've never met somebody who will cop to having written a comment on a porn video.

I want to focus on writing good ones. This is a man who's very actively involved in both porn and Dragon Ball Z super speculation on Reddit. And I have never once committed a single thought or critique the note of praise on any of these any of these pieces of internet media uh love you ryan colby uh first one very nice i like this poopies is that a porn comment or a yelp review it shouldn't be either oh man that is that is just that is the intellect of a guy who makes porn comments but i think that's a yelp review. I like these poopies. Yeah.

I feel like poopies is either a fun family restaurant in Nebraska somewhere or unspeakable pornography. Oh, man. To be so happy about unspeakable pornography. I like these poopies. It's so funny to me. Yeah. You're saying Yelp, right? Yeah.

He probably misspelled a name wrong of a place, like poppies or whatever. That's possible. I'm going to say porn just to mix it up. All right. The answer is porn. Sadly, Hasan was on the right track. He misspelled boobies. That is an incredible misspelling.

This was on a video entitled Fit Check Beauty. Yeah, the P and the B key. I'm looking nowhere near each other. Maybe he got one of those fancy, like, oh, this is technically better keyboards. Maybe he did it with Siri. Yeah, the people that are like non-, this is technically better keyboards. Maybe he did it with Siri. Yeah, the people that are like non-kordy purists on keyboards,

I can't think of a lamer cause to champion. Yeah, that was non-kordians. Wait, non-what? Non-kordians, man. Ruining. Is that like the sect that took over your village?

Yeah, right. That's the sect that's the reason why we can't live in Bangladesh anymore. The subcontinent has never been the same. No.

All right. I'm here for the fuck report. What? I'm sure that's not a segment on this show. The fuck report with Keith Carey. Keith, who'd you fuck this week? A bunch of people. Back to you. Who'd you fuck this

week? The same one. One lady. Poorly. Alright. Yeah. Oh, man. Well well i may be writing the fuck report after this um god oh man i i get i want to say yelp i'm here for the fuck report yeah if you give me the fuck report that'd be great yeah that sounds like something cool after like a laser tag game that you get here's your fuck report i'm getting the game over oh we used to play laser tag and my my tip shit buddy jake would always do therapists, so they'd read it. I mean, just come get your fucking score, dick. That's really funny.

The rapist. Our team, we'd always play, our names would be famous abolitionists for some reason. What? John Brown. I'd be like H. Tubman. Freddie D. I don't know why at all. Could not have been whiter children. I'm going to say... Could not have been whiter children.

I'm going to say Yelp. That's not on mine. I'm going Yelp as well. Answer Yelp. A bank customer complaining about a manager that made a tasteless joke about the fund report to a co-worker while she was withdrawing a check. Oh, what a dick. That person who wrote that comment.

I mean, most Yelp reviews don't come from a place of happiness. Yeah, but like, suck a dick. Sorry we're trying to have fun at the office. Yeah, that's not a tasteless joke. You just need to fucking... If you have any kind of... It's funny because fun kind of sounds like fuck. I can't imagine having the self-esteem to need to share my experience with a business.

Yeah. It could have been a positive review. It could have been like, hey, yes. I'm all about positive Yelp reviews. I was part of this fuck review. I got gay bashed at Not Scary Farm, and I have never once tried to hurt their bottom line. Well, to be fair, if you wrote that on Yelp, it would probably increase their numbers. Come to Not Scary Farm, faggot!

All right, the next one. This statement is bookended by two smiley faces. They are the colon, parenthesis, smiley faces with the hyphen for the nose. Oh, God. Who does that work? I hate that hyphen. I hate those, too. You know what that says to me?

Like, out of touch high school teacher trying to be fun. Yes, exactly. All right. Didn't drop the pizza. Bookended by those smiley faces. 100%. That's porn. That is porn.

Comment by Sweetcocks. Uploaded by XXXXHawk. Four X's. A video of two girls taking delivery of a pizza while one intentionally fumbled around with a person and let her towel slip. Her roommate also nude walks past the door as well. Yeah, but the pizza was on point. Yeah. I mean, good on them.

I think the two smiley faces kind of give it away that it's porn. That's like some sort of crazy porn shit to do. As a poor guy who likes junk food, nothing would kill a boner quicker than someone dropping a pizza in a porn video. Yeah, like, ah, pussy's free. A pizza costs $19.99. I'll eat around the part where the dick was. Like, that's fine. You know how great it would be if somebody brought me a pizza with a dick in the middle of it?

That's the best day for me. Hey, fucking Keith's birthday's coming up. Yeah, guys, make it happen. Yeah. That's the subscription service that we should plug on this show. Use promo code MEAN at fucking fucking dickslice.biz. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. I'm sure that is. It's just domain name taking. If you can't be bothered to learn about Levain Satanism, then you have no power to speak

of it. Hail Satan. Oh, this is a Yelp review review for the Rock Methodist Church or something like that. Fuck. That's real good. I think this is a porn comment on some video of a goth girl getting banged out.

Alright. This is a Yelp review. The answer to that is a Yelp review of the Church of Satan in San Francisco. It has since closed. Because apparently they weren't doing a good enough job. There is nothing less satanic than complaining on Yelp about a Satanist temple. Yeah, how unsatanic it is.

And for satanic listeners, if your satanic coven is in trouble, let the Mean Boys know. All right? We're not above charity. Don't go to Yelp. Yelp won't help you out. Yeah, Yelp ain't doing shit for you. All right. Who Yelp satanic churches?

Right? I was like, well, I was going to go to this devil temple, but three stars. If you check in on Yelp, they give you a free baby goat to sacrifice. That's good. That is a nice incentive. Yeah, that is nice. Yeah, you're right. Deliver it with DoorDash.

Yeah, tag them on Instagram. DoorDash is the demon they pray to there. DoorDash. Kneel before DoorDash. Tag him on Instagram. DoorDash is the demon they pray to there. Kneel before DoorDash! Tip your drivers. With the coins on your eyes as you cross the river Styx. Parking is tough, so get there early. Beware, there's street sleeping on Tuesday. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give the experience a six, six, six.

Repeating decimal, do not round up to seven. All right, porn commenter Yelp review. Oh, boy, she can't wait to tell her friends how she passed the driving test. Passed is spelled P-A-S-T. Interesting. Oh, man, because they're either talking about some just dirty whore getting down or like their daughter passing a driving test i you know i fucking uh i i took driving lessons in chino and my driving instructor uh made me drive through

taco bell so he could get some taco bell uh took me to his friend's house where we listened to dead mouse and then uh got scared one we had to go on the freeway. Oh, your driving instructor got scared? Yeah, yeah. And I was just like, this is the easiest job ever. My driving instructor was this intense Chinese dude. He was just like, are you cool? But he would say things in his mind that made sense, but had no idea. So you know when you turn, you're supposed to let go of the wheel to let it go straight again?

Right. Right. So he would just, whenever he'd do that, he would just yell loosing loosing loosing let go make make the wheel loose or whatever but he would just do that and then he hands you a business card and his name is loosing it's brand marketing that's what it was he just wanted to get yeah he made me go do his laundry with him like pick up his laundry shit like that run errands yeah yeah you get a little errand boy and then you fucking make it 20 bucks an hour

yeah it's great you got your own brake pedal yeah Keith how were your driving lessons I spent most of the lesson hanging out in the back

and flirting with this girl who I thought was cute and we she had an iPod and she had that first Scar Brothers album on it the Hennisons and Daughters yeah yeah

so we were just listening to that the whole time and then I magnificently failed the actual test. As it turns out, you're supposed to stop at stop signs. They don't teach that here. Well, anyway, porn.

Oh, okay, we didn't guess, but yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. That would have been my guess. What was the porn from? Fake driver school, hot Italian learner with big natural tits fucks for her exam. I hate porn videos with titles that long. It's not a fucking Fall Out Boy song.

There's a little song called Word Economy. What I don't like about porn is like Italian girl. They make an emphasis on the race. Like, girl fucks black cock. Or what about just a person's cock? You know what I mean? My thing is if you're going to emphasize the race, it better come in. Black cocks. That's fair. It should come into person's cock? You know what I mean? My thing is, if you're going to emphasize the race, it better come into play.

You know what I mean? I want it to be an issue that she's Italian. Like, oh, they drive on the wrong side of the road there. That's why she's having a hard time with the test. I gotta fuck my way out of here. Yeah, she's getting fucking butt-dumped on a Vespa. Like, I don't know. I think you have a porn idea. Yeah. Vespa

butt-dumpers. Vespa butt-dumpers. Hi, I'm. Vespa Butt Dumpers. Hi, I'm Vespa Butt Dumpers. Nice to meet you guys. Vespa Butt Dumpers sounds like it's at the bottom of the list of somebody writing down names for Bond girls. One of my first bits ever was about a porn video titled Hot Blonde Fuck With Vigor. And I'm like, what English major is uploading the porn today? Like, oh, yes, I was like, cracking good pussy. That is really top porn today. Like, oh, yes, I was a cracking good pussy. That is really top shelf stuff.

It shouldn't be as hard as it is. Just very, you know, I don't know. Anyway, everyone loves Abortionplex, but true fans know that the real magic is found in the secret menu. This is a Yelp review for Planned Parenthood. Wait, hang on. Did you say Abortionplex?

Abortionplex, all one word, as though it was a movie theater, yes Did you say Abortionplex? Abortionplex. This has to be a Yelp review for Planned Parenthood. All one word, as though it was a movie theater. Yes. Everybody loves Abortionplex. Secret menu. Yeah, I'm with Hasan on this. This is a Yelp review of a Planned Parenthood. This is a Yelp review of a place called Abortionplex.

What? It's in Topeka, Kansas. Shut up. No way. What is Abortionplex? Isn't it an action park? Isn't it a theme park? I would love that.

Yeah, $8 billion abortion plex. It's just a Planned Parenthood. It's a, yeah. $8 billion. I can call it the abortion plex? I guess. No, hang on. I think far-right people call it the abortion plex.

Yeah, that cannot be the sanctioned name of this place. And if it is, I want to get someone pregnant just to go to abortion plex. Yeah, that's punk rock as fuck. If you name your place abortion plex. Abortion plex is my favorite WWE finishing move. Glow, the fucking ghastly ladies of wrestling. I don't know anything about wrestling.

You're close enough. And the final question. Full Nelson style, dick sad for Harambe. R.I.P. my n-word. Wait, say it one more time? Wait, no, I'll do it telegram style so you know where the punctuation is. Full Nelson style, stop. Dicks out for Harambe, RIP my N-word, stop.

First of all, it doesn't say the N-word. It says the N-word. Can you do the singing telegram style? Are you doing a singing telegram? Can you do a singing telegram? Full Nelson style Dicks out for Harambe R.I.P.

I'm not finishing this We're just trying to trick you into saying the N word This is like trying to get Mixleplix To say his name backwards and go to his home dimension Oh, I'm flying back to Cheeto. It's probably fine there. I mean, this has to be... I think this is a porn.

This is 100%. Someone trying to be funny on a porn video. This is a porn comment by Jaboo420 on the video Exotic 4K Busty Asian Jaden Lee Lubed Ass Fucked Hard. Again, just so many... I assume it'll be fucked hard. It's a porn. Yeah, it's like, have you ever watched a porn and you're like, I want to see if I remember this. And then the name or something like that is like, oh, I'm not going to ever come back to this video.

Yeah, I've never seen somebody pushing rope in a porn. I knew that was a porn comment because I've skipped over it several times in making this game. All right, well, that was Porn Commenter Yuff Review. And the winner is our listeners. The Abortion Plex. Yeah, the Abortion Plex. Really?

The Abortion Plex. Hey, that's a Bitch Fest 2017 fucking Abortion Plex. Keynote venue. This Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

Yeah. All right, guys. We'll be right back after this. I think it's a meme. Hey, how you doing you fucking mooks? It's Mark Malloy. Here's the deal. Sometimes you need some after this. I think it's a meme. Hey, how you doing, you fucking mooks? It's Mark Malloy. Here's the deal.

Sometimes you need some fucking flowers. Maybe it's Mother's Day. Maybe you accidentally gave a bitch crotch rot, and you want to try and make it right. They don't make a Hallmark card for that. So go to bouquetinabox.com, the newest sponsor of the Mean Boys podcast. Use promo code MEANBOYS and get 15% off any fucking order. It'll be great. They're going to send them the flowers.

She's going to forgive you, even though she's pissing flames or whatever. It's going to be killer. Plus, the mean boys get a vague amount of money. They don't know how much. Probably like a fucking nickel. But who cares? It's flowers. You love your mom and that bitch, right?

All right. Enjoy the rest of the fucking show. Hi, I'm fitness guru Dirk Nutguzzler. You probably know me from my series of workout tapes, Headed for Shredded, or my wildly popular kickboxing class, Jab Your Flab. I've dedicated my life to helping you achieve the body of your dreams. No matter what kind of lifestyle you live, I've got a workout program specially designed to fit your needs. Tonight, I'm joined in the studio by Glenn Johnson from Omaha, Nebraska.

Hey, Dirk. Good to be here. Big fan. Damn right you are. After my intensive three-week BossFit program, you were a lean, mean workout machine. But looking at you now, it looks like the blubber is starting to recover. What gives, Glenn? Well, I'm going through a pretty tough divorce right now, and between the depression and, you know, just figuring out what I'm going to do next, I just haven't had time to hit the gym. Glenn, you're not alone. I get 10,000 emails every single day from guys just like you who are letting a divorce separate you from your potential. That's why I've developed my new series of tapes, P90X Wife, because you can turn your pain into sick gains. How does it work?

Good question, Greg. It's Glenn. Whatever. The key to success with P90XWife is turning all the little tasks that come with being left by your wife into fitness opportunities. I've never been divorced because I've never been married. I fuck 12 supermodels a night in a king-size race car bed. But I had my team do research to help you say I do to success. Even though she said I don't to spending her life with you.

I mean, that's a little unfair. It was more of a mutual decision than a... Whatever you got to tell yourself, Gary. Take something as simple as packing up your belongings. All those things you thought would be up on the mantel forever, they got to come down, buddy, and they're going in a cardboard box. Now, you're looking down the barrel of a perfect metaphor for the slow, dull death of a broken marriage.

You can either be wracked with guilt Or you can get jacked and built Let's go Gordon get that heart rate up 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 Grab a thing put it in the box Grab a thing put it in the box Photograph of your first date put it in the box Picture from your wedding day put it in the box

Ultrasound of Timothy put it in the box Picking up the box and put it in the car And active rest buddy keep those feet moving pal How do you feel it it it hurts that's good buddy it's supposed to hurt pain is just weakness leaving the family all right let's take this to your new studio apartment that you're moving into as a 42 year old man you can get a great set of reps in on your neck and shoulders by actively avoiding eye contact from the neighbors who try to smile but know you're only here because you failed at being a husband and father. Oh, God, what have I done?

Taking the first steps toward a healthy, lonely tomorrow. All right, first night in the new place. We're waking up, and let's work those arms. Stretch to the right, reach for your wife. She's not there. Hold it, hold it. Stretch to the left, reach for the clock. It's 4 a.m. Now stare at the ceiling and weep. Weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, weep, and active rest.

How you feeling, buddy? How we doing? You sticking with it? I miss Jennifer so much, Dirk. Speaking of missing things, make sure to start skipping breakfast. It's an early morning carb load that slows you down for the rest of the day. Plus, you don't know how to make toast yourself, much less make yourself food befitting a human man since Jennifer did all the cooking. All right.

Out in the yard for some high interval training. One and two and three and four and throw the ball. Sprint to the ball. Pick up the ball. Your son won't visit. Come on, Geraldo. Keep up the pace. I can't do this anymore. I want to go home. Great idea. We're going to get a two mile run into Jennifer's house. Make sure you wear a hoodie, preferably

in black. Raising your core temperature speeds up metabolism, plus it keeps the neighbors from recognizing you. Run and run and run and run and run and run and run. Okay, quick wrap-up pull-ups while you hoist yourself over the backyard fence. Let's get some steps in, pal. Hit that ladder, buddy. Climb. Climb. Climb. Almost there. Keep climbing.

Climb. Climb. Climb. And active rest at the top while you watch Jennifer get deep-dicked by some black dude in the bed you paid for. Hey, that dude's in pretty great shape. You see those abs? I don't want to look. Look at him, George. He must have taken my aerobics course for wife-stealing guys on the go.

Cuckbox. I want to fucking die, Dirk. Order Dirk Nudguzzler's P90X Wife now for 47 monthly installments of $19.99. Act now and we'll throw in a free copy of Dirk's patented workout plan for the suicidal. Goodbye, cruel love handles. All right, you're doing great, buddy. Your heart rate's jacked up, the noose is tied, and the note's pinned to your shirt. Now you just gotta make the choice, pal.

Get on the chair, get off the chair, get on the chair, get off the chair, get on the chair. And active rest. Keep those legs swinging, Grant. Order now. All right, should we cut? This dude's dead as fuck. and active rest. Keep those legs swinging, Grant. Order now. All right, should we cut? This dude's dead as fuck. All right, gang, the Mean Boys podcast returns,

and it's time to close out the show as we always do with a round of our favorite and final segment, which of the following? Fucking hooray. I'm excited. Okay, this week's is a continuation of one from several weeks back. Comes to us from listener Callie Velasquez, one of our favorite listeners. Thank you, Callie, for the game. We're going to be playing Which of the Following is Not a Real Lifetime Original Movie?

I love this. For like a television network that's like supposedly for women, they don't really ever have a good time on that network that's true it is supposed to be like just entertainment for women every movie is like I got raped it's like oh no women don't want to be happy it's not complicated alright

they're like me happy when they're miserable well the existence of stuff like Lifetime and Law and Order SVU is so funny to me because it's like there's this whole like segment of the population that like says rape jokes are never okay but like let's just watch it over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

You know what's really not okay is poorly written rape dialogue. I mean that's Well I mean what else are you going to do to fill time on You Deserve This Thursdays? I wish there was a man I wish there was Spike TV original movies I would watch the Spike TV original movies. I would watch the shit out of that. That would be so funny.

I may have found the idea for the sketch I haven't written yet for this week's episode. I hope that we're reaching into the episode to write those sketches. Yeah. My buddy Ryan, you remember that show Manswers? Yes. Of course, yes. Like, this was how my buddy Ryan from high school subbed it up. It was just, how many boobs can you fit in a race car?

Can a dick cum a motorcycle? The answer will blow you. Yeah, I remember I watched one episode and it was just how to get away from bees. Find a girl with C. It's just women in bikinis trying to get away from bees. And it's just such a weird thing to watch. That was a producer who was like, alright, we're running low on ideas, and he's like,

okay, it's so hard to find this on the internet. Let me just fucking, you know, fund my fetish here through the production budget of Manswers. That's what I call B-roll. B-roll. Newark County B-roll.

Newark County Beehive Alright gang Witch of the Flammies Not a real lifetime original movie A A father for Britney Oh no B

Porn Isaiah's porn Yeah this is all porn All lifetime movies Could be a porn This is porn for Women that live in trailer parks And hope that Prince Charming

Is gonna run into them At the fucking bar That's cleverly called The Office. Like thousands of other bars cleverly called The Office. Or the stay-at-home moms. My aunt has Lifetime playing constantly at our place. And I was like, why do you need this energy in your house? By the way, if I land at least three bars, I'm going to think I've called The Office.

So, I mean, I know these women. I've seen them in their natural habitat. B, the 19th wife. C, the bride he bought online. Okay habitat. B. The 19th wife. C. The bride he bought online. My god, these are all porn. D. Gaining a sister wife. Volume 7.

Hey. This fucking guy right here. Real quick, one more time. A father for Brittany. The 19th wife. The bride he bought online, or gaining a sister wife? I think it's a father for Britney. I'm going to say gaining a sister wife because I know Sister Wives is a show on a different network.

All right. Gaining one like you've earned it. You've earned a sister wife. Make gains, bro. Yes, you've really dissatisfied your husband to the point he needs to bring another bitch into the equation. Who happens to be a sister? I just burned the meatloaf for a year and I finally earned myself a sister wife. The fake one is D, gaining a sister wife.

Oh, shit. Oh, we're looking for fake ones. Yeah. My bad. I thought it was the other way. No, the other ones are all real. Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

Yeah, all right, cool. Fan of the podcast, the son of mine. Round two, which of the following is not a real-lifetime original movie? A, Dating younger B Flirting with 40 That's definitely real C

12 men of Christmas That's totally real as well Or D Queen sized Shut up There's gotta be About like a fat monarch That like

Learns to love her body Queen size Is about like drag race Not drag racing Just drag competitions. Drag racing. That'd be funny if they also had to dress up like women. Drag racing.

Yeah, they did Days of Thunder, but with fucking... We don't have enough parachutes for you, Stephanie. Here's a tampon. Yeah, that RuPaul show would be great. Way better if they were also racing in the middle of that. Put some shit out of it. Yeah, that'd be crazy. I mean, if you ask me, they're racing to the gates of hell.

Right. Yes. And the Yas Queen is the starter's pistol On which they will begin their sprint To the damnation She said that torment What were A and B again? A was dating younger And B was flirting with 40 I'm gonna say B

I'm gonna say A The fake one is A. Dating Younger. Yeah, they don't date on that show. It's either married or about to happen. Or something bad's about to happen. You're either married or preparing for court. For round number three,

which of the following is in a real lifetime original movie? Callie, this is one of the best fan rounds we've ever had. I love this game. A, stealing a baby of her own. Fuck you. B, Cleveland abduction. C, baby for sale. Or D, held hostage.

Baby for sale. Baby's here. Get your baby. Get your baby. Can't molest a baby without a baby. You can't. I mean baby without a baby. You can't. I mean, that's a good point. You do bring up good points.

Unfortunately. All right, so let's get into this. Held hostage, I think, is a decoy to throw us off because it's the one different one. All right, give me the last three. All right, Cleveland abduction. That's probably about that. That abduction in Cleveland. Yeah. Good detective work, Hassan. Ain't nobody got time for Abduction. That's probably about that. That abduction in Cleveland. Yeah.

Good detective work, Hassan. Ain't nobody got time for that girl? She's probably in that movie. All right. C, Baby for Sale. Or D, Hell to Hostage. What was A again? A was Stealing a Baby of Her Own.

I'm going to say... That sounds like a terrible Billy Joel song. I'm going to say the third one, the Baby for Sale. I'm going to say Stealing a Baby of Her Own. The fake one is A, Stealing a Baby of Her Own. Oh, fuck. It was The baby for sale I'm going to say Stealing a baby of her own The fake one is Stealing a baby of her own Oh fuck It was a baby one

I knew that That's just an unwieldy title That is But that does sound like Some weird lifetime shit Where now this lady Has to go get her baby back Yeah

One who gets the pot A baby for sale Gotta go get my groove back Why did I name it A baby groove How much do you think It would cost Like the Mean Boys podcast

To buy a baby Oh man Round number four Not to do anything sketchy to Just to like teach How much do you think it would cost like the Mean Boys podcast to buy a baby? Round number four. Not to do anything sketchy to just to like teach how to do cool stuff. I mean at least like 20 bucks. Tom's gonna fall off something tall and die and we're gonna need a replacement ready. So I'm saying we start

like a Django Fett like. Oh yeah we put him in the Lazarus pit. We just raise him. You've been to many basements. I was born in there. Born by the mold duh you've barely seen a sound board

was it with you that I was doing Bane as a Ebenezer Scrooge yes yes the meaning of Christmas was

inside me all along fetch me a fat goose it's Christmas Day Get away from me spirits We're the dumbest In the history of Bane

You know my brother When he started doing Bane As Spider-Man Just Mary Jane No Thwip Gwen Stacy I told you to wear

Your back brace That was a real deep cut Gwen Stacy reference That is to wear your back brace That is a real deep cut Gwen Stacy reference That is a solid reference I feel like Bane in any situation is funny Yeah We are about five years too late to this bit Oh yeah we really Let's just find a time machine

And go fucking run a mad TV for a week Alright guys next we'll put Borat in places Let's do it Nevermind go ahead Oh no do it do it do it oh i wasn't gonna do another bay and i just had a story about dark knight rises with you oh yeah we haven't told that story in the podcast yeah so i'm down for this and me and connor and a couple of our other friends went to a midnight showing of the dark knight rises and we went we loved it we

thought it was great and we got out i was crying yeah we all cried because we were like oh they nailed the landing on like a pretty perfect trilogy movies we got out and the shooting had just happened in aurora colorado and our phones had all perfect trilogy movies. We got out and the shooting had just happened in Aurora, Colorado. And our phones had all been off. Yeah. So we get out and we're like, dude, that movie was so great. Bane was so good. And somebody just, I think it was Connor, just goes, oh man, somebody got like shot

a bunch of people in Colorado. And there's like a three second pause. It's like, yeah, but Catwoman was still there. No, it was my ex-girlfriend who brought it up and I was like, hey, don't ruin this for me right now. I was like, I'm having a moment with Batman. The one problem I have with that movie is that they send every policeman underground. Yeah, that was pretty silly.

What a retarded tactical move. All the cops. Yes, you've fallen right into my trap. Even I didn't think this would work. All the cops? This is the equivalent of just putting a treat under a box with a stick propping it up. Y'all dumb. All right.

Round number four. It was the longest in real life in an original movie. A. A face to die for. B. Gorgeous boss. That sounds too positive to be a lifetime. C. Fatal desire. Or D. Beautiful and twisted. Oh, gorgeous boss. Gorgeous boss. C, Fatal Desire. Or D, Beautiful and Twisted. Oh, Gorgeous Boss.

Gorgeous Boss. It's Gorgeous Boss, yeah. Yeah, you can't bring positivity into Lifetime. Everyone knows this. Yeah, it's not fucking... Death Time, original movie. It's not Oxygen. I don't know, that's another one, right? Yeah, it's another one.

That's more girl shit. I'm pretty in love with this next round. Is this all real or all fake? No, there's one more and then all real or all fake A. Guilty at 17 B. Accused at 17 C. Assaulted at 17 Or D. Stalked at 17

Oh, it has to be guilty of 17 That's such a Well done, Callie Velasquez I'm gonna say assault You have a woman listener? Yeah I don't know if it's abroad Or not Maybe

Callie Velasquez I gotta figure it out The fact that you maybe have one Is impressive We have a couple They're out there, yeah Shout out to Lacey Madison Who comes to all our live shit

Yeah, my mom She's a girl What up, ma? I'm going guilty at 17. I'm going to say assaulted at 17. Because the rest happened to women, and a woman wouldn't be guilty. Not in a Lifetime movie. Could be about a dude.

She could have done some other crime, too. Maybe she killed a guy that was trying to assault her at 17. There you go. I'm saying assaulted at 17. All right, the fake one is C, assaulted at 17. You're right. Fuck. Carrie continues to dominate.

Yeah, really. And it's 57th game of which of the following? He knows his lifetime. 58th? Jesus Christ. 59th. He knows his lifetime. Jesus fuck.

Is this episode 59? Yeah. Oh, my God. You've missed a couple episodes. Yeah, you've played more than anybody. All right. Round number six, all real or all fake. A, Love's Deadly Triangle, the Texas cadet murder.

B, the staircase murders. C, a little thing called murder. D, an officer and a murderer. Shut up. God, who are you? This is a little thing called murder. Is this all real or all fake? Is all real or all fake?

All real. I think they're all fake. Those are all real. Oh, fuck. That Triangle, Texas cadet bullshit was way too specific. Yeah, that was a lot of moving parts. Yeah, man.

Well, that's the game this week. I think Keith walked away with it. Handily. Yeah, handily. Let's dip into the Mean Boys mailbag. We have some questions. Which Marvel and DC superhero slash villains

would you have a threesome with? Parentheses, must be one from each. Interesting. Batman, I feel like he's got lube in that belt and stool softeners and fucking poppers and shit. Yeah, yeah.

You don't want to be packing it tight in there like you're getting ready to fire a Civil War musket. I don't want any more... You should clean out your butthole before you get buttfucked by Batman. That's on you. He's probably got some... He's fighting crime. He does have a utility belt, though.

What's the point? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's got accessories, you know? But just in general, the process of preparing your butthole to be sodomized is not particularly attractive. That's something you do before.

It's like tweezing your eyebrows. He's probably got a bat plug. All right. There it is. I would probably go Batman and... Oh, wait, no. I guess I can chick-pig girls.

I'm so stupid. God damn it. I was like, wow, Batman was the first one. That was an interesting first choice. I love that none of us questioned it. Like, of course you can butt-fuck my Batman. Well, Wade Richards could probably turn his arms into a pussy. He has the power of el questioned it. Like, of course you can buttfuck my Batman. Well, Reed Richards could probably turn his arms into a pussy. He has the power of elasticity.

Reed Richards is Batman. He could give you a reach around and it wouldn't even feel like he was straining you or punching you in the stomach. That's how impressive Batman is. All of us were like, yeah, makes sense. That's a good question. He's also the only DC superhero I like. I'll say Hawkeye and Harley Quinn There's not a fun joke reason

I've just actually jerked off to that before Oh that's funny I forgot Harley Quinn's a thing Sure is There's a very fun porn video of a Husky lady dressed like Harley Quinn getting butt fucked by Shane Diesel That is horrifying Oh man well now I'm definitely going to look that up

Is that a Lifetime movie? Pretty much Contains the phrase fuck my shit pipe. Is that a Lifetime movie? Pretty much. Contains the phrase, fuck my shit pipe more than the average Lifetime movie. Really? Oh, my God. Correct. Yes.

I'm not happy about it. Fuck my shit pipe. Oh, my God. I'm prolapsing, Mr. J. Let's see. I'll go Wonder Woman. I like that. I like that accent. Wonder Woman would break you, dog.

Oh, I'm sorry. We're now bringing realism into this? Is that the point where we're going? Hassan, you couldn't fuck a woman over 120 pounds. You could maybe fuck Barbara Gordon once she's in the wheelchair. Like, that's... Well, you know, if we're bringing my other fetishes into it, sure. Just want a strong cripple?

Yeah, just a really, like, emotionally strong cripple. That's what I need. Yeah, she can really be the backbone of a relationship. Ba-da-da-da-da-da. Cripple. Hey. Let's see. And then, well, if I had to choose a dude, I would go Iron Man.

I would go Iron Man. You didn't have to. Well, everyone else chose a dude. Yeah, I'm bisexual. What the fuck is wrong with you idiots? Well, you know, some of us want a story. Iron Man, that's just fucking a rich guy. Would you get down to it?

It's like, that's the story. Hey, it's Iron Man and Wonder Woman. You guys want to hear about this? You're a fucking rich guy now. I think that's it. Liable, yeah. But liable. I don't know what the fucking laws are.

It's not but liable. I can promise you that. Okay. Well, you know what? Maybe I should answer the next question. What tattoo would you get if you were at the Fyre Festival? Oh, I forgot about the Fyre Festival.

Oh, man. Yeah, that kind of came and went. You know what? I've always said if I was going to get a tattoo, I'd probably get the monolith from 2001 A Space Odyssey with the proportions being the square of the first three prime numbers

or like a big complicated arm piece just incorporating all the alternate art covers from a beautiful dark twisted fantasy. You know, with the ballerina and the sword in the head and all that. Yeah. Is that all Fire Festival related? No. I mean, that's just tattoos.

There was a topical reference that's coming on. I don't want a tattoo at all. I don't either. I've thought of getting one. And at this point, I'm like, I'm 28 years old. I can't be like a 30-year-old man who gets his first tattoo. You were talking about getting the skull and crossbones with the microphones. It's a dick joke. I would never get

that now. If I was going to get it, I would have had to have gotten it three years ago when I came up with it. I don't know. I feel like... Tell them about your tattoo of the dolphins. There's no way I've never talked about this on the podcast, but I'll do it anyway. I had this idea of getting a tramp stamp of three dolphins

jumping over a rainbow, but they have human faces and like the first one is me. The second one is like my best friends. It's like Connor. And then the third one is like a guy I kind of know. It would be like

if it was like Stephen Randolph who I've talked to like four times. I'd just go up to him and be like, look what I got. Either that guy is going to feel obligated to be my best friend forever

or is going to be so fucking scared forever. That's funny, too, when someone sees your tattoo and they're like, who's that third guy? And you're like, I don't really know. I read a thing online where somebody said they got a tattoo of, like, something in Italian. And they would go around telling people it said, like, you know, hope or love or whatever. And then it said, like, butt cheeks. And then she would just pretend she didn't know and start crying

that's a lot of fun what would you what tattoo would you get assigned yeah i don't i i'm like the same as you it's just i don't like i don't like the idea the idea of the permanence scares me yeah um as far as like cool tattoos uh this is a man who can't even commit to a compelling personality much less you know i can do i can do i can do a podcast i can't even commit to a compelling personality. Oh, no. I can do a podcast. I can get through a podcast personality. That's what I have. I have get through a podcast personality. The one I thought was cool,

it has nothing to do with Fry Festival, was my Arabic writing spiraled around my arm and ending at my fingertips. Sort of like a... So you want to be like a Doctor Strange, but for, you know... But for terrorism? Yeah.

I'll finish the thought for you. Doctor Estranged from the love of Allah. But as far as Fry Festival, do you even speak Arabic? You know what's funny? When I was a little kid, my parents made me read and write it. And so I was able to read and write it

for a long time and not understand it, which is some very sleeper cell type shit when I think back on it. But as far as Fry Festival goes, I feel like all the kids who spent their parents' money to get there should have the amount they spent tattooed on their forehead. That's the mark of the beast.

That's a good idea. Hey, stop being dumb and rich. Or a picture of Ja Rule with an X through it. Alright, Hendrik Pastanek asked us who had wanted a bake-off between you guys? A bake-off? While you think about that, he also sent in a newek asked us, who had wanted a bake-off between you guys? A bake-off? Oh, while you think about that, he also sent in a new name for us, which is for Ginger

Kids is taking a dip in the recessive gene pool party. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I can't cook for shit, although I'm learning to cook now. Yeah, Keith made eggs with vegetables this morning. Oh, damn. Look at you. I'm trying to do a diet thing. You're trying to get healthier? Yeah, we had Dan Nolan on, and morning. Oh, damn. Look at you. I'm trying to do like a diet thing.

You're trying to get healthier? Yeah, we had Dan Nolan on and I was like, oh man, you got slightly less fat. So now I'm stealing Dan Nolan's time. I've made this joke a million times, so forgive me. But Dan Nolan was at a weight where when he put a hoodie on, it always looked like he was shoplifting something. Just like loose filets. Just mystery bulk.

Yeah. So fucking yeah. So I don't know. I'd probably lose a bake-off. Yeah. I'm not very good at following instructions. I don't believe in rules, man. I mean, just looking at your kitchen, I can be like, these people don't bake a lot.

Cake rebel. Clearly you should have a Mean Boy bake-off episode. Bro. I mean, that would be pretty fun. If we do a Mean Boys. Only if we can get a British lady to berate us. If we film a Mean Boys Chopped, that would be the funniest thing in the world. Chopped Boys!

Chopped Boys. I'm only doing it if Tom is involved as well. Yeah, of course. Corruptimundo. Alright, final question from Luis Galvez, who made his homemade Carnock shirt at the live show a couple weeks back. How long would you guys survive on a tropical uninhabited island? Also, you can bring

one item. How long would we live? We can bring one thing. Yeah. Are we alone or are we together? I think we're together. If we're together, I feel like we're okay. Because we can collaborate, pick the items. Yeah, I feel like you're stronger, I'm smarter, and I

think together we can figure that out. Hurtful. I'm just saying, I'll be like, all right, I'm the idea man and you can climb the tree and get the coconuts so we can build the radio

and get out of here. Yeah, that's true. Translation, Keith is too fat for coconuts. Look, I'm going to keep you happy. All right? I know how to turn your fucking frown upside down

and keep you from killing yourself after eight minutes, so. No, that's Tom's role, frankly. Well, who said Tom was coming? Oh, I don't know, me. That's my item. There's only so many

coverage on this island. Do you need another item? Who's ever been on a desert island and been like, you know what, this makes this more inhabitable,

is another fat guy fucking eating up all the snacks. Well, then who's going to run the soundboard? It's just him pushing his finger into a coconut.

Turtles! Him screaming, turtles! Yeah, just got like bamboo sticks. Coconutamundo! He's got a bamboo stick and he's like... Oh, God. I don't know what I'd call it.

Dessert Island. I'll see any Charles. I like just the full chilies. Some food and some shelter. That's some wishing for more wishes. I love it. If I was going to bring an item, I'd probably bring a woman. Am I right, guys? Oh, nice.

Obstacles. Gen-not people. Oh, God. Well, okay. Have I ever told you the story about my first kiss at school? No. Okay. Well, I was kissing my first girlfriend in seventh grade, and we start making out,

and the choir teacher catches us and pulls us into her classroom, and she starts lecturing us. Yeah, that's how a porn happens, right? Yeah, it's way later than a porn. She's a super Christian choir teacher. I forget her name, but she started like, she's like, so she looks at my girlfriend,

because she took choir, and she's like, so how long have you been an item? And then I, like, very indignantly just went, hey, she's not an item. And my second girlfriend was in the back of the class hiding and happened to be eavesdropping on this. So it was a weird full circle thing

that didn't come into play in like five years. Yeah, she was hiding like, he treats women respectively. Hey, she's not an item. Incredibly stupid ass ass you threw your cigarette out of your mouth yeah yeah yeah put your sunglasses on

that's the show for this week you guys have anything you want to play Ahsan you're a fucking great guest thank you for doing this thank you for having me tell them where they can

find you plug your shit you can follow me on Instagram at Ahsan JB Ahmad that's E-H-S-A-N J-B-A-H-M-A-D I'll be at Madhouse on June 12th featuring for Gareth Reynolds at Ahsan JB Ahmad. That's E-H-S-A-N-J-B-A-H-M-A-D.

I'll be at Madhouse on June 12th featuring for Gareth Reynolds. And then that's pretty much all I have right now. Oh, Twitter is M-R-J-B Ahmad. That's M-R-J-B-A-H-M-A-D. I had to close the tweet and delete it and look your Twitter up like six times to be able to tag you in the post. Yeah, every combination of Ahsan Ahmad

I could look for never worked because I have a very popular name in the Middle East apparently. I can see that. Follow me as always at Keith Tells Jokes on Instagram, Facebook, all that shit. May 13th I will be at

UC Santa Barbara for Laughology. May 20th I will be at Tournament of Nerds at the UCB Theater right here in Los Angeles. May 23rd I will be roast battling for the title against New York's Eli Sayers. And then May 30th it fucking goes down. The thing everybody's wanting.

Mean Boys rematch. Roast battle McSpadden v. Carey. So definitely come to that. Yes, the majority opinion will be authored by Justice Ross and dissent by Mr. Lawrence. If you guys could get all your fans, if your audience, if that audience could just be all your fans, that would be incredible. I'm calling out to you, Mean Boys fans.

I don't think they'd fill the belly room. Get out there. I'll probably work in the belly room. I will seat you. No, just kidding. We're a moderately successful podcast. Moderate. Moderate.

All right. That was a great show, everyone. Moderate. Moderate. All right. That was a great show, everyone. I think it's time to sign off. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. I'm sending you grace, sending you grace, sending you grace.