Mean Boys - EP 60 - Anus Beat (feat. Jessica Michelle Singleton & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: May 16, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Hell’s Box Seat", “Roxy Sasparilla”, “Mean Bots” and a game of “Which of the Following” with vape companies. Hell’s Box Seat videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV2tcDbpHFk, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_g17U7WXdvE, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdeeUhsv2Go Buy the new “Fuck everything, God is dead!” t-shirt! Available for a limited time: https://teespring.com/fuck-everything-shirt#pid=369&cid=6517&sid=front Shop through our Amazon link and support Mean Boys at no extra cost: https://www.amazon.com/?tag=meanboys-20&camp=1&creative=4285&linkCode=ez We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Listen to Tom’s podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-told-you-that/id1197690915?mt=2 Listen to Connor’s new podcast with Adam Tod Brown: https://soundcloud.com/unpopsconspiracy Send us an email at [e-mail] Follow our guest Jessica Michelle Singleton on Twitter: twitter.com/jmscomedy Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: www.soundcloud.com/meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. Hey, hey, hey. Got a fantastic episode for you this week with Jessica Michelle Singleton and Tom Goss manning the soundboard once again. He's back. Very exciting. A few things to tell you guys. First, we've got an Amazon referral link on the homepage of the Mean Boys website,

meanboyspodcast.com. Just click through that link. We get a little bit of a kickback for all your normal shopping at no extra cost to you. Yeah, you were going to buy shit anyway. Just buy it through our thing. Especially expensive shit. Yeah, buy expensive shit you don't anyway. Just buy it through our thing. Especially expensive shit. Yeah. Like, yeah, buy expensive shit you don't need.

Yeah. And return it. I think you need to keep the money. I don't know what the rules are. Let's scam Amazon. Scam Amazon. Scam Amazon. Don't do that because we're still in the process of getting confirmed.

That was just a funny joke. Scam Amazon slime. No, it actually shows you if shit gets reviewed. Hey, my mom's already bought two Kindle e-books, all right? We're fucking blowing it up. No, we've actually already had a good amount of people using it so we really appreciate that it helps us out a lot uh also the show is brought to you as always by don carlos taco shop in la california yep still yeah keep on trucking going strong uh brick and mortar business with one

physical location 120 miles away from the epicenter of this podcast best burrito in the goddamn world it truly is go to eatabreeder.com for more information, including catering. Ooh la la. Don't fucking show up with a 24-foot-long Subway sub that tastes like shit. It's public and suck 12 dicks. Yeah, get yourself a fucking cooler full of California burritos and have the best party ever. Everyone in your office is going to fuck you after that.

Yeah, they're going to shit their pants with joy. Not because of the quality of the food. Yeah, no, that's very true. Speaking of nobody working, review us on iTunes. Alright, you're fucking just listening to the podcast in your cubicle anyway. It just takes a second, only, you know, just

helps us out a lot. Just to sweeten the pot, we currently have 68 reviews, meaning whoever reviews us next is review number 69. It's a high, high esteem How can you pass up on something so impossibly dumb? I'm going to shout out Veritude, who have reviewed us. It says, bathe in joyful cynicism.

I like that sentiment. She says, ascend beyond hatred and mock everything in a well-articulated manner. Laugh at the horror reality in flicks plus goss. I love it. Yeah, our iTunes reviews read like excerpts of Lovecraft stories. They really do. Yeah, it's like a weird, like, is this a Bukowski poem that they just madly like car knock into? Yeah.

And we love that. So please review us, subscribe, tell your friends, help spread the word. Also, we still have a t-shirt for sale for a limited time only. The Fuck Everything God is Dead t-shirt. It's here. You got a little less than two weeks to grab it. It's 20 bucks. Again, nice ass shirt.

Yeah. Puts a little money in the Mean Boys grab it. It's $20. Again, nice-ass shirt. Yeah. Puts a little money in the Mean Boys' war chest for some exciting projects we got coming up. For those of you who already bought one, thank you very much. It'll be there in a bit. And, of course, if you guys have any games or anything you want to send in, if you just want to say hey and talk to us, we read all the emails. They really make our day. Just hit us up at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com.

And one last announcement, because we can make this now because we got the date locked in. Yes. June 6th, we will be back with another live mean boys at harvell's in long beach the last one was a ton of fun everyone you guys who came out made it a fucking blast so we're doing it again there'll be lineup announcements and all kinds of crazy shit we have one some straight-up

nonsense plan yeah one of the guests we have planned is part of our theme song and it's not any of the dudes in Death Grips. There's a little clue for you guys. Alright, that's about it. This is a great episode. Love you guys. Enjoy. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. The headphones finally work in both ears, but the words still aren't going to be good. I'm Connor McSpadden.

I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... The person I think of whenever I hear the word rickets. Hey, you leave her and her pirate diseases alone. You seem like you're dying of something from the 30s. Rheumatoid arthritis? Yeah, that seems like something a great grandma has. That's not what FDR had?

I feel like that's what all four of Charlie Bucket's grandparents had in Willy Wonka. Except Grandpa, that lying son of a bitch. Oh, what a chocolate factory. Let me carve you. What a lazy piece of shit. Fucking welfare. Fucking... I was going to lay here

and just lazily finger bang whichever grandma was close. I was like, yes, we're getting some fun. I have a new name for people that abuse social... White people. You know,

social health programs as food scams. That was saving. I actually believe in food scams. I think it's a great program anyway Tom Goss on sound effects correctamundo

there we go with Asana Maude from last week dropping somewhere I am Willy Wonka oh perfect amazingly you found a way

to make that work yeah this is the thing talent no it's a broken clock is right twice a day broken clock

is right twice a day you know how hard it was for me to hold off until you guys introduced me to play that scene? I don't know how hard was it to wait until the timing would have been really good and then do it later. You told me not to do anything until you said my name or something like that. Tom. A nice peek behind the curtain of the Mean Boys production process. Yeah, for those of you listening, we've been watching Tom try to figure out how to play dumb fart noises for the past ten minutes,

and he has just the most intense face like he's trying to hack into the fucking CIA. Yeah, Tom is staring at his computer just so intensely as he's watching his child being delivered and swiping with one hand furiously like a bear trying to get into your fucking picnic bag. I just want that intensity, and then you cut to the computer

and he's just playing Minesweeper. I love Minesweeper. Combines everything I like. Math, boom-booms. Windows 95. Oh, math boom-booms. Like that time I ate the Potractum a jig and then my butt was all sharp.

Oh, God. You haven't shed a compass. Now we can find our way home. With a butt compass. I don't want to go home anymore. It always points south. I gotta tell you guys,

I've had such horrible diarrhea the past few days. My butthole's been so sore, I can literally feel my heart beating in my asshole. Like, I'll just feel like thump, thump, thump. I think that's what love is. Your heart beating in your asshole? Well, just me? Okay.

No, I think anus beat means love for Connor. Anus beat is a terrible teen magazine. And he's a sinner of fools. No, that's where all the vice cops worked in the 60s. Like, I'm on the anus beat. Anus beat only had, like, the youngest kid from Home Improvement. They couldn't get JTT pictures. Mr. Reagan is on the anus beat trying to stop this weird gorilla virus.

All right, weird gorilla virus. We have an episode title. Anus beat works, too. We have a lot of options, and we haven't even started a segment yet. Let's not jump the gun on this, fellas. Oh, speaking of jump of the gun, let's pull out our fucking joke guns and get into the Mexican joke-off. Yay! I want to stab that segue.

Ay, so topical. Old day late and a dollar short, Gus. Ay, like 15 seconds late. Yeah, I know, we didn't give you much lead. Yeah, the only warning you had was clearly him setting it up. No, here's how good that segue was. You've only heard this show 60 times. Here's how good that segue was. You only heard this show 60 times. Here's how good that segue was.

Tom could not see it coming, all right? That's how smooth it was. Yeah, that's what it was. Tom can also not see several colors. I'm musically blind, so I know I... What? Musically blind? Yeah.

Yeah, I can't see noise no more. Good thing you're on the soundboard. Well, yeah, Tom just has the kind of synesthesia which makes him listen to the song Hey by the Pixies over and over again. Oh, yeah. How amazing it is how hammered I was. Still knew the lyrics. Oh, yeah. No, you can forget almost anything except for, you know, I've been trying to meet you.

Pray again. That is a song that has exclusively been written for just drunk sad men to yell sing. Oh, yeah. No, I've drunk sad men to yell sing. Oh, yeah. No, I've drunk sad men yell sing that song with a lot of people. Yeah, sure. We've done it. We've done it. Me and Tom have done it.

Me and Tom have done it. Yeah. I've done it with most people. Sorry, Jess. This is a drunk sad man thing. It really is. Well, I'll stick to my drunk sad lady Reba McIntyre then. Yeah, you can hang on to that one.

Yeah, that's all you. Yeah. And only me. All right, I'll take us away. Let's do it. Trade authorities in Malaysia have confiscated $300,000 worth of illegal tortoises. Custom officials say that the reptiles were to be sold in the black market where the money would be funneled into an offshore shell company. Damn it!

Shell company! Fuck! Burn all! Damn it! All right, now... That one I'll give him credit for. With so much fucking hate to Tom's nonsensical drops, two of them have found a way to work perfectly.

The problem with that one is my mic is set up in a way where I can't see the angle of my jokes, and I was running. I could barely see the last line, and I got flustered, and I was like, oh, it's all contingent on a stupid pun. That's the last two sentences. It was a good joke. It was fine.

All right. A man was killed with a single punch outside of a Las Vegas bar. In his obituary, he is remembered as a devoted husband, loving father, and a little bitch. One punch and you down, son. I was 90% sure I knew that that was going to be the punchline. I was going to try to say it at the same time, but I didn't want to ruin it. Oh, that would have been so funny. Okay.

A Virginia black bear was frightened away from a neighborhood trash can when it got startled by a clown doll. If anyone sees that clown doll, please give it my personal thanks for protecting my pussy from yet another bear. My pussy's a trash can, you guys. I still have a vagina. Oh, thank God. It lives to bleed another day. Am I right, fellas? It's like it's a vagina the way Terry Shavo was a person.

Like, it's around, but like... Hey, it's Shavo. Get your off-color references straight, buddy. I said it right. It's Shavo. You said Shavo. Oh, fuck off. She said vegetable.

Shavo's like a rapper that hangs out with Young Thug and Lil Uzi Vert, I think. Young Shavo. By the way, I like that Jessica... He just wheels into the club. Jessica was reading her pussy trash can jokes off of an ice cream phone. The phone with an ice cream case. Because your trash doesn't mean you can't be cute, too.

Bling. You guys can't see it. It's great. That's like the tagline for your line of fucking edible body glitter for eight-year-olds. They sell it at Kmart one day. Oh, my dream. Or all the fucking new... New Kesha handbags next to my own brand of corn dogs oh man how sick would that be like you know it's like Toby Keith's bar and

grill corn dog like the mean boys fucking scrimp Fuck everything. Corn is dog. I feel like a big dog is corn. Dog is corn. That makes more sense. We're splitting hairs here. More importantly, a Memphis man lit himself on fire before running into the bar his ex-girlfriend worked at while streaming the entire time on Facebook Live. In response, Mark Zuckerberg issued a statement saying, Can't you crazy fucks start using Periscope for this shit?

I'm trying to run for president and launch Skynet. It's always Facebook Live. There's never the Periscope murderer. It's always the Facebook Live suicide or Facebook Live. Yeah, well, it's because people who want to kill themselves on the internet generally don't have time to download another app and figure it out. Periscope sucks. There's more shareability on Facebook. That's what you get for making a great site.

Yeah. What are you guys planning? I'm worried about you. Suicide entrepreneur Periscope. If you want hits, you go Facebook. Real hard to monetize suicide. It's kind of a one and done product. I mean, it worked for Jesus.

There's ways. Damn. Fucking bars, Kerry. Now that that good joke's over, let's do a bad one. Yay. No, actually, it's more like ting, ting, ting, ting. Ting, ting, ting, like, A college student died while taking part in a pancake-eating contest. In her memory and a statement on Twitter, IHOP said,

I love that so much. It's real silly. Oh, that mother lost her boys in Barry. Oh, man. A South Florida pot-bellied pig has gained internet fame for its success as an emotional therapy animal at a senior citizen's home. Mean Boys fans everywhere are excited to hear that Keith Carey finally gave up and got a day job. I knew it.

I called my pussy a trash can first. Motherfucker. I love you. Oh, does that mean that Keith's going to be digging around in Jessica's pussy looking for snacks? I mean, hey. To where I keep them. Damn, girl. Gross.

You got yourself a little Cheeto pocket. You got something to entice people to go down there? Like a fucking box propped up with a stick with a fucking lone snack in the middle? Yeah, yeah. There's just one gummy worm. It's a penis fly trap. Come and get it. And I'm like, I could pick the hair off of it. Could eat around the rot.

Amidst allegations of taping conversations in the Oval Office and obstruction of justice, President Trump said that he welcomes comparisons to Watergate. When asked to clarify, he said, you know, Watergate's those things that broke and killed all the black people during Hurricane Katrina. They're great.

He doesn't know what levees are. That's really fucking far. Oh, God. He's a bad man. All right. An autopsy was completed on a boy who was killed after a hammer was thrown at his head. Doctors say the time of death coincides perfectly with the Tom Goss Frisbee invitation. The Tom Goss Frisbee Invitational. The Tom Goss

Frisbee Invitational. Yeah, and it's more fun in the circle once. Clonk. Now, I thought this kid just picked a fight with Thor. Oh, man. It wasn't worthy, dude. I feel like a guy that will kill you with a hammer would be named Thor anyway. Yeah, but not like fun Thor. That's like a Tallahassee-esque man.

Just a self-proclaimed biker. Wears a lot of camo but was never in the military. Oh yeah, we coined this phrase before the show. When you eat a bunch of junk food to fall asleep, that's now called an Alabama Ambien. Just like cramming some onion rings at 11pm. Need to get into a salt coma.

Gotta get my nightmares in about all the things that happened to me. Oh god. You gotta tell the story of your mother's Day in passing or just the broad strokes of it. Okay, yeah, very briefly. My Mother's Day, I met my mom and my brothers. We went to Hooters in Long Beach, California. Classy. Wherein my mom and my brother got in a very avid discussion over who caused whose heroin problem.

We also ate a lot of different flavors of wings. And for some reason, my brother kept showing us and my mom naked pictures of his girlfriend, who was pretty hot. Like, yeah. Oh, man. I get it. I wonder if she listens. The girlfriend?

Yeah. Probably not. No. She probably doesn't own things. Nah. Nah, not so much. All right. My mom is the most functional person in that story. Nah. Nah, not so much. All right. My mom is the most functional person in that story.

Well, that's a bad sign. Here's what I'm going to say. People that fuck the members of the Carrie clan generally don't have access to Wi-Fi outside of public libraries. I'm a retamundo. Oh, man. I fuck high class. Oh, no.

Yeah, you do. You fuck above your weight class a lot, which is not a fat joke. Yeah, I got you. However much you think he fucks, times it by five. It's an impressive amount. It's not that much. Yeah, but it's like if you fuck five times, that's impressive. It's like this one time I saw a three-legged street dog running around,

and I was like, man, how's that dog staying alive? And I was like, that dog's kind of fat. So that dog is just out there eating more than anybody. He's like, no, yeah, here today, gone tomorrow. All right, I got to fucking work for this pussy. Yeah, he gets it. Oh, God. All right, well, this is going to be far less interesting.

A heavyset man who was photographed mounting a dead shark. It's not about you, Keith. A heavyset man who was photographed mounting a dead shark in the nude has been identified as an ex-NYPD cop. The New York Police Department has responded to this photo by applauding the man's efforts to increase the department's race relations. Hey, we're bridging gaps. Now we killed all those black people, but look at this shark that we're hugging in the nude. This one can swim.

Oh my God. It wasn't even a great white you guys it was a great mulatto I thought that was the Jimmy John's guy was the shark fucker the article I just saw was the Jimmy John's guy was the shark fucker I kept seeing that article shit around that like it was the

founder of Jimmy John's the sandwich chain oh really fucking a shark this guy wasn't fucking he was just naked adjacent it looked fucking oh the article I saw said the sandwich chain. Oh, really? Fucking a shark. This guy wasn't fucking. He was just naked. Well, fuck adjacent. It looked fucking. Oh, the article I saw said NYPD. That really sounds like a line from like a Twisted Nerve promotion sketch. We're like, here are the fucking extra.

We're going to fuck you with a shark. Yeah. You wanted the shark pussy. You got the shark pussy. If you're going to be a guy who fucks a shark, your name is probably Jimmy Johns. I just get salt in your balls and a fin on your clit. And blow in the blowhole. That's what it's

there for. Oh, God. Maybe there's two shark fuckers. A second shark fucker on the grassy knoll. These are cholo mermaids. Shark fuckers. Shark fuckers. Alright grassy knoll. These are cholo mermaids. Shark fuckers. Shark fuckers. Alright.

Enough of that. In an interview aboard the papal plane, Pope Francis admitted the church had a 2,000 case backlog in sex abuse cases. Pontifex had no comment, however, on the church's 2,000 year backlog on progress and reason. Hey, that'll teach you Catholicism.

New Yorker Connor strikes again. Yeah, you don't understand how many Christopher Hitchens audiobooks I've been listening to. I sure do. I'm getting real conscious. You've become straight up insufferable. Me and the Hitchcock, bro. Nerd! Thank you.

Two people died in Denmark after jumping a jet ski into a passing boat. They were rushed to a Copenhagen hospital where doctors declared them rad on arrival. I love that. R-A-L, man. No, R-O-A. I'm not good at acronyms. I would like to note that so far in all of my joke-offs, someone has died.

That's the best. Florida man Robert Dreyer has crashed into a fire hydrant and drowned. The entire state is mourning the loss of their smartest resident. Robert Dreyer? More like Robert never been wetter, you guys. He drowned. I'm just picturing you doing that with the face you're making right now at his funeral.

Come on. Stop crying, you idiot. Shame these mics are attached to the table so you can't drop it. I got to tell you, earlier this week, I saw a dog actually peeing on a fire hydrant. I was like, that's a hack-ass dog. I didn't think this was a real thing. I was in Newport Beach. I was getting my oil changed.

And I'm like, what the fuck is this dog? Relatable. All right. This is a good example of a 55-year-old anecdote, Connor. I got two newspapers this morning. I didn't sign up for two. You're a mighty faggot. That's me.

Amen. A New York firefighter is extinguished ablaze at the Lower East Side's oldest synagogue this week. When he awoke to the hellish conditions within, the resident rabbi said, All right, maybe he was the Messiah. Disneyland released a publicity video of Johnny Depp, in character as Jack Sparrow, surprising guests on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

The video was entitled, Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho, Forget I Beat My Wife. Yeah, that new Pirates movie is coming out, and I'm just like, oh, we're just all pretending that didn't happen. Well, yeah, and Paul McCartney's in it. Did you see that? Oh, man. That's the worst thing Paul McCartney's done since all the other stuff Paul McCartney did. I think Paul McCartney might be my favorite Beatle just because he's just... Of course he is, you boring fuck.

No, I said George Harrison for a long time and then I started seeing the people that said George Harrison was their favorite and I was like, eh, I don't really know if I want to be in your camp.

But Paul's just like, yeah, I'm a fucking ham, all right? This is what I do. I got a big Samoan guy that plays drums and he's fucking cool. I mean, that's pretty dope.

Yeah, that guy rules. I saw him at the Hollywood Bowl when I was like 14. Fucking amazing. He played Foxy Lady. What'd you mean? Oh, that's pretty cool. Anyway, sorry.

I don't know. Beatles are cool. No, they're not. I like lady bugs. God damn it. Hot's the best. Get fucked. Close it out strong.

Okay. Fresno County Sheriff's recovered $170,000 worth of bees that went missing in January in a sting operation. Unfortunately, there's still a startling amount of disappointment from Connor McSpadden surrounding lack of bees

every time I take my shirt off. I was like, I thought this was going to be a Connor joke because we perform in Fresno a lot, and then I heard sting operation, so I'm like, is this a bee punt? A good friend of mine, Nathan Camp, worked in a bee farm in Fresno County. Maybe he's responsible

for these bees. I think, isn't it actually Kern County? I tell you, your tits are a sting operation in Fresno County. Maybe he's responsible for these beats. I think, isn't it actually Kern County? I tell you, your tits are a sting operation. Hey, barely. Doink, doink, they're tiny. Oh, they're giving me paper cuts all over my eyes. You've got an adequate breast, so... I'm going to tell my mom to skip the last two minutes of this episode. Yeah!

Oh, God. Hey, Tom, do it again. I still have a vagina. Good point. The Mean Boys podcast will fucking be right back or whatever. Welcome back to the Mean Bots podcast. Now Connor Bot will stumble over the very simple segment intro as we come back from break. Keith Bot will now slide in a joke at Connor Bot's expense.

I reluctantly admit that was a good one, Keith Bot. Correctamundo! Damn it, Tomputer. Tomputer is not wrong. I have many opinions about birds. It is time for Tomputer lightning round. I clearly hate this, but it is the only thing I'm good at, so I must continue. Killer whales. The Transformers. Um, I'm Car Avengers. Tom Pewter, you have a virus and I hope nobody ever debugs it.

I need to debug my basement. There was a praying man just doing yoga on my tongue this morning. I'm not even religious. Now listen, you. Stop calling me a crypto-nepth. Let's stop calling names. I'll stop you in your goddamn face. You'll stay plastered.

All right, everybody. The Mean Boys Podcast returns with another one of our favorite segments. Finally playing through the actual audio of the audio mixer because I spent $20 on Amazon. Click through our Amazon link if you're updating your podcast equipment.

Thank you, Tom, for healing my Pokemon in the middle of my important announcements. I forgot the volume issue. He yells in the microphone. The equipment's good, but Tom's the microphone. We've got one computer. The equipment's good, but Tom's still broken. We've got one computer set up to play. Yes, correctamundo, Tom.

One computer set up to play the videos, and then we're like, oh, we'll give Tom sound effects at the same time. I've realized 45 seconds, and that was a grave error. Oh, fuck off. At least play the Asan one. I like Asan. Correctamundo. Correctamundo. Correctamundo. All right, that's enough.

All right, we got it. Correct, yes. The mundos are correct. You're so smart, motherfucker. Indeed I am. Anyway, here's a fucking thing. Okay, here's Hell's Box Seat, the segment where we play shitty videos and be shitty to them.

This is something i saw on the twitter feed of a a friend of mine mr mark age you very funny writer if you want to follow him on twitter it's a it's a donald trump rock anthem by the way all the links to these videos will be in the show notes so uh if you want to watch along with us yes uh indeed and either will i think we'll get about halfway through this because i think the lyrics repeat and just uh and we'll be about good but this is okay this is by a guy screen uh yes we can go full screen this is a guy from i wanted to get full screen? Yes, we can go full screen. This is a guy from,

I wanted to get his username, Charlie A. Tango. It's called America is Great Again. It's in all caps, so you know it's shitty. Charlie A. Tango. Yeah, he has six YouTube subscribers and this is a full rock anthem.

So please, you know, Mean Boys listeners, just go downvote this or, you know, call him gay in the comments or something. Let's take it away. Already hot, like animated great graphic with the sound of just 9-11 happening oh shit this is like this is like he just googled cool fonts yeah i think the first one this font

is called camaro yeah that's all he wants is a Camaro. These are all the Windows Movie Maker transitions you use when you try to look cool. It's just transitions from flags to other flags. He just transitioned in the same flag. He did, yeah. All right, let's hear what he's got to say. This is why everyone in Argentina thinks we're idiots. Matt Rushmore's made an appearance. Oh, this is nice.

I can't. There he is walking with his frowning wife. An inauguration day with... Walking with his sexy mummy bride. Three people. Strategically cut out protesters. She kind of looks like Natalie Portman right there. Yeah.

He's the art of the deal. On the run. I own several guitars. Oh, Barron Trump's next song. The worst part is Donald Trump doesn't hate anybody more than whoever's recording this song. No, Trump's all about this. He would retweet this. Oh, he loves this song, but he hates this person.

He's had a prostate massage to this. There's not a good picture of Donald Trump I was just about to say He's trying to use flattering representations of him Oh my god Here's Trump with an eagle Photoshopped into George Washington Which I agree with because they both own slaves Here's a battleship for no reason

With just a shitty 80s filter on it. The flag raising. Just the words, the flag raising. We're just watching vague videos of Iwo Jima. This is nationalism porn. That's all this fucking is. Yeah, indeed. Have you ever watched the Cumshot compilation?

Yeah, this is what Toby keeps jerks off to. And what you're hearing here is a competent at best guitar solo. This is like fine. Yeah, I can play this. Like you learned the blues scale. We get it. The city of the town. America's great.

We're zooming on a flag. Oh, my God. Well, that's a flag behind like an Army Humvee. Isn't that illegal? Like electioneering is in the military? Probably. Obama's flying away and they made a fly swatter swat his helicopter and explode.

They also made him go all bendy like one of those inflatable arm flailing tube men. Why is he blue? He's blue and wearing a hat now. A barbershop quartet outfit. Wait, no, they just photoshopped him into the Monty Python intro. Yeah, they had Obama crushed by a Monty Python foot because everything Trump supporters love is absurd as humor. Oh my god, the red, white, and blue. Oh, they had Obama crushed by a Monty Python foot. Because everything Trump supporters love is absurdist humor.

Oh my god, the red, white, and blue. Oh, they made him thinner. They sure did. Jets. There were jets pooping a flag. Even the cool cartoon of him, his tie is still fucked up and crooked. America's great, motherfucker. My favorite part of this is for sure is like I needed to find a word that rhymes with great and he went with plate.

Oh, yeah. Stuffed under the plate. Yeah. Charlie A. Tango. He put his name on the end of it, so he's like, don't try to steal this. He does. And this is the nicest cover you can make in MS Paint. I'd like to know that the next video on the playlist,

which we're not going to watch, but from Charlie Tango, is entitled what? Trying to argue with the liberal. All caps. Hey, guys, it has six views. I'm going to go ahead and make an executive order that we're going to go ahead and check that out right now because it's 45 seconds long.

Yeah, let's check it. Oh, and it went to something called Kittens Forever, which I'm going to need to backtrack on because I looked at that earlier and it was pretty boring. Trying to argue with a liberal in the spooky font. Again, Windows Movie Maker. This is a man yelling at a goat in another language. That is spinning on him.

In a language that Charlie A. Tingle for sure cannot understand and hates. Like, which one's supposed to be the liberal? I guess the goat's the liberal? The font. Alright, I'm going to go ahead and say that the goat is liberal because he's way funnier than the dude. It's also like, what idiot would keep talking to a goat? A Charlie A. Tango production.

With a smiling cat. This sort of looks like Trump. There's a smiling cat. All right, I'll include trying to argue with the liberal in the show notes. That's a bummer. I hope a dinosaur is the dude. All right, on to the main video. This is a Juggalo infomercial.

Oh, good. Oh, man, this is like Juggalo infomercial. Oh, good. Oh, man, this is like branded content. This is real. Oh, yeah. Oh. There's a bedazzled guy with a butcher knife. His name is Hatchet Man, Tom. All right.

I'm sorry I'm not cultured. Wait, is that a Juggalo character? It's like their dude, their mascot guy. It's their god? Basically. I met a guy with a Hatchet Man hat at this gig I did in Colusa, and I was like, oh, Hatchet Man. He's like, oh, you're family? And I was like, oh, I'm a guy With a hatchet man hat At this gig I did in Colusa And I was like Oh hatchet man

And he's like Oh you're family And I was like I'm a family supporter Did he throw shade Towards you after that Or was he like Down

No he was cool And frankly When I'm in the middle Of nowhere Performing with auctioneers I'm gonna take love Wherever I can find it I was born that year

Yes Alright we're seeing years We'reers. I'm going to take love wherever I can find it. I was born that year. Yes, we're seeing years. Yeah, me too. We're running through the Dreadnought Discog. How does it feel that you're older than the insane clown bossy, Jess? You can go to hell. Well, yeah, if I do, I'll be with all my family. Right, guys? Whoop, whoop.

I thought that was So did I Okay, the countdown of years is getting Faster, the music's getting louder Look at them counting What's gonna happen when we get to 2017, you guys? No, no, no! Wait, it's coming

Look at them counting Now we are zooming up through the clouds Into heaven, which is where they aren't 70 seconds of them counting In the video description Now we are zooming up through the clouds. Into heaven, which is where they aren't. 70 seconds of them counting. In the video description, it actually says, like, welcome to the diamond hurricane. That doesn't mean anything.

Without question, the number 17 is synonymous with the Juggalo world. Does not need to have this official of an announcer. That somehow links them directly to the dark. Like what poor voice actor needs a gig this badly? Hello, I'm Morgan Freeman. Like, even when they're trying to make them look good, it's like the Trump thing. There's no flattering footage of Juggalos. The one thing that is unanimous about all Juggalos is they don't have a dad.

And now here's a pregnant woman smoking meth in a park. To Juggalos far and wide. What up, mouth-mouth? You look. Why? You really got a mouth-mouth? Oh, man, there's everybody who listens to the Mean Boys. Yeah, we heard some testimonials from different Juggalos motivating you for the new year.

Can't you see it's 17 and out here? Listen, for real. We need to take all this karma shining on us and use it to energize that bitch ass. He's got the level

of mustache where it's like just don't grow a mustache. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a second. You just look dirty. Juggalos believe in karma? That note? Yeah.

I'm out. Woof. You'll get another one. Crack head. I don't really know what he's saying, but I like it. What is this advert? What do they want from me? It's positive vibes.

Money. You're 17. It's an important in juggalo numerology. It's good in the hood, skinny. Or should I call you skinny? Oh, skinny. I like this guy. Thinny bones.

Look. I mean, none of those feel appropriate. All I know is you're a weirdo. He's motivating you to change your body. He has a strange posture. That's actually a good word. Yeah, he of those feel appropriate. All I know is he's trying to buy me a game. No, he's motivating you to change your body. He has a strange posture. That's actually a good word. Because I'm waiting on you to tell me what the fuck you waiting on, skinny Fallon. Skinny Fallon?

That doesn't even work. It's shine time, my frail pal. If I don't see you with a dumbbell in one hand and a Big Mac in the other, I might have to Mac your body ass. What do you want? It's no sense. Mixed messages. If I don't see you breaking even in these health streets, yeah. Start jogging, motherfucker.

And I ain't talking about jogging to the fridge, killing devil cheeseburgers like they Tic Tacs. It's 2017 in this bitch. A single tear rolls down Keith Carey's cheek. I mean, I get it. Chubby checker over there has skills to finally stop snacking. Stop snacking. He's a hardcore lisp.

So we should all weigh the same. Hi, I'm Shammy the spooky clown here to make you not fat no more. And he's painted like the guy that Peter Criss out auditioned to be in Kiss. My parents called me eggy. Yeah, what's good in the hood everybody? My mom shares Some special

Oh so many White guy dreads In the montage We don't like Black people What up fam The name is Light I come to shine

On you ninjas Let's talk success They so badly Want to say the n-word And they say ninjas Ninjas is so much More offensive Yeah

Cause ninjas are cool Well black people Are cool too That wasn't what I was saying but Oh wait Listen to this Ninjas is so much more offensive. Yeah. Because ninjas are cool. Well, black people are cool, too. That wasn't what I was saying. Oh, wait. Listen to this. But then again, it depends on the ninja. Like, look at this motherfucker.

See, now here's a ninja that took a shitty situation and made the best of it. Wait, is that the same guy? Showing them fresh-ass sign flippin' skills. So he's saying you gotta enjoy what you do. If you do something shitty just do it

your best. Yeah. So he showed a guy having no fun twirling a sign and a guy that was doing

ninja flips and shit. By the way twirling a sign for fresh and easy a business which no longer exists. Does it?

If you're doing something terrible and unfulfilling just you know add a soundboard. No juggalos shop at fresh and easy because they don't serve Faygo. Yeah that's a soundboard. No juggalos shop at Fresh and Easy

because they don't serve Faygo. Yeah, that's a good point. Also because it's not a store. This video is starting to generally make them want to punch a white dude with a corolla de veal. Hang on, my mom is here.

This is like a Pikachu that hates its parents. She just shot the screen. What kind of man would actually hit a woman? What the hell? I mean, whatever one. Pikachu that hates its parents. She just shot the screen. I mean, whatever one did this to you. Literally every man that's not us who has watched this video. This is a domestic abuse PSA from a woman with a man holding a hatchet cartoon on her chest. And also a necklace. Yeah.

I mean, I want to hit her. on her chest and also a necklace. Now your booty's sunken. Fake, phony, fat, and bony at the same time. Pump motherfucker. I mean, I want to hit her. Ninjas, ninjettes, if you're in any kind of relationship that has any kind of abuse, it's most definitely time

for you to... Tim Burton presents 8 Mile. Tim Burton presents the Lifetime Channel. If I'm being real, I'd still hit it. I know.

Both with my fists and my dick. Yeah, so, I mean, that's the only way she can come. Yeah, you gotta, like, backyard rustle or clit. Choke slam it onto

the broken, like, light bulb. Yeah, you gotta fuck her through a picnic table. Let voodoo get some screen time? Cause I got some karma I'm gonna hex y'all with. Aw, come on. You're black. You can do better than this.

Yeah, like what? You can just go be a cool guy. Yeah, you don't need this. Like, you don't need to have Gene Simmons hair. You don't need to paint yourself like a clown. It looks like that demon from Insidious. The way we get down is on some supernatural shit to me. All right, this looks like the Death Note Shinigami that Snoop Dogg would get.

Oh, but if a clown puts on blackface, it's offensive. This guy's putting on white trash face. Yeah, this is what happens when you feed Andre 3000 after midnight. Is it really all going down like this because of some songs? Nah, man. It's just more to the shit than that. And if you can't see that, you probably ain't even seeing this. Which means you can't even see me.

Yeah, because they're not watching. Wait, okay. What did you just say? I don't know. He just made himself disappear. It's without question the magic number for... There's still so much more of this. Yeah, well it's an infomercial.

10 whole minutes. ...come to recognize that this year, 2017, will in fact be the first and only time that the number 17 will appear as a calendar year in our lifetime. Yeah, because you guys are going to die in 2019.

Yeah. At latest. Covered in Cheeto dust. Tom is so out, he wouldn't have gotten more copies. You guys, I really want to go to their march. Oh, we've already been discussing it. Let's tour over. Juggle on, rejoice!

The 17 is here, yo! It has got me motherfucking screaming all up in that ear hole. Some call this shit the secret. Some say... Hi, I'm Godfieri's ghost. Billy Mays here with put more bloodstains on your couch. Oxy dirty. Just Oxy.

I hope they don't have kids. They do. Oh. I hope they don't have kids. They do. You know what I feel like? One of them is probably a really cool dude who kind of gets the comedy value of this, and one of them is going to OD. Oh, for sure. Oh, they're getting into the march on DC at the end.

Oh, fuck yeah. I can't argue with that. It's okay to fuck. Wait, what? All that bitching you did. What? By the way, they're right about everything. They're just being positive.

Here's the thing. The more I learn about Juggalos, the more I respect and enjoy them. I don't appreciate that he's wearing a hoodie that has Goomba Mario spikes all over it. That's pretty cool. Only thing I hate more than positivity. Here we go. We're officially declared a gay by the United States Federal Bureau of Investigation. They're now represented by the ACLU, by the way.

It's the first time in U.S. history that the federal government essentially criminalized a specific type of musical culture. More than censorship, the precedent was set that identifying as a juggalo was in fact illegal. What? That's real. You can't be a juggalo? Well, I mean, you can, but it makes you a gang member. ... devoted music followers has not only damaged thousands of innocent lives,

but turned disastrous for the image of juggalos everywhere. Yeah, that's the problem. The American Civil Liberties Union. The CCP attempted to sue the FBI. However, the case has now been thrown out. They said, shut the fuck up. This is why Comey got fired.

On the weekend of September 15th, 2017. We're going. We're going to do a show in D.C. Yes. We'll go from New Mexico where we have shows that week. Yes. Yeah, I'll be there. We have to say to the rest of the country

as loudly and proudly as possible. We having a bitch whoop whoop. Yeah, that'll show them. Wow. And that's the Juggalo Manifesto. And you can see us all somewhere that night performing. Yeah, look, I've been saying I've got to roast Juggalos for a long time now.

Wait, we're really doing this, you guys. I'm going to set it up. I may or may not already have Green Day tickets for that day, but I might sell them. Green Day will live on. Juggalos may die after that week. Yeah, Juggalos got a shelf life, and it is not long. I've never before sided with the FBI. And I feel very weird about it.

Well, that was the hell's box seat. Yeah, that was a lot. I was going to say it earlier, but the only thing I hate more than positivity is positivity and fucking face paint. I don't know why that was so upsetting to me. I saw a kid doing a Darth Maul at Disneyland enjoying a churro, and I've been in a mood for weeks.

He killed his mom. I don't understand these people. They're just trying to live their lives, man. Yeah. Not everyone has the advantage of being- None of them are going to do anything but work at a gas station and die. So they're just trying to have a good time on the way out. Those are things that I'm done are going to do.

That made me sad. No, I respect. I think that white trash who accepts their station and tries to make the best of it. Honestly, they're spending taxpayers welfare funds on face paint and I'm not okay with it. Whoa. Oddly Republican fucking stance. You would be too if you weren't kind of funny. Right, this is all I have.

But Jessica, what about your entire family? Yeah. Exactly. They have to go. You and I are trailer dumps. Don't turn your back on these people. I have to cut ties. Trailer dumps, that's the worst shortbread cookie you can get in the store.

That really made me hungry for some reason. Me too. Okay, I'm upset. We're going to be back. Hey, everybody. I'm Chet Fontana, and this is Casting Couch Cream Pies. We invite real amateur sluts into our office thinking they're auditioning for a movie. But when they get here, they find out that to get the part, they're gonna have to

take a part. Of a body. The dick part. Joining me today is an adult film legend and three-time AVN award winner for most brutal anal devastation, Brick Piston. I'm gonna give this girl the ride of her life, Chet. She's on her way up. Let's see what happens. Come in. Am I in the right place, mister? I'm looking for the casting offices of Bang Em, Cream Em, and Leave Em. You're in the right place. Come on in. Say, what a swell office this is.

Heck of a lot of trophies. You all must be real whiz-bangin', makin' pictures. Uh, yeah. Yeah, feel free to have a seat, if you like. I'll stand if it's all the same. Better for the diaphragm. Lets me really hit the cheap seats. Uh, yeah, that's fine. So, uh, tell us a little about yourself.

The name's Roxy. Roxy Sarsaparilla. Actress, singer, dancer, juggler, and all-around hot cup of coffee. Uh, alright, where you from, Roxy? I and all-around hot cup of coffee. Uh, alright, where are you from, Roxy? I'm from a little town called Dullesville, Oklahoma. Growing up, the only way to keep away boredom was to go on down to the picture show. And I remember seeing Betty Davis up there on the silver screen and thinking, golly gee, that's the life for me.

Got on a bus to Hollywood with nothing but a nickel in my pocket and a dream in my heart because I was born to be a star, a great big shining star. Yeah, all right. So what experience do you have in the industry? A little bit of the old this and that, a play here, a bit part there. Got to be the lead in my school play. Oh, really? What part?

Well, I was playing a tree. They wanted me to just lurk around in the background and keep my mouth shut, but I turned on the old sasperla charm, and by the end of the show all anybody could talk about was that singing maple taking center stage. I can still see the headlines in the town paper now. Wildly distracting child actress makes it all about her. Right, right. So here's the deal.

The film we're auditioning for today is more of an adult film. Oh, a dramatic role, huh? Well, you called the right gal. I've got a monologue ready from The Postman Always Rings Twice that's bound to knock your socks off. Uh, no, no, please, just stop whatever you're doing there.

What I mean is the project involves nudity. Oh, now I get the picture. One of those stag films to rile up the fellas, hey? I wasn't born yesterday. I get your drift loud and clear. Let me slip on the old birthday suit here. Get a load of these hot tomatoes, mister.

Uh, yeah, yeah, they're great. Could you just, like, hang that dress up? I don't want to get sequins and shit all over the floor. We're renting this place. You got it, boss. Now, Roxy, I'd like to meet your scene partner, Brick. Put her there, big fella. Wow, okay. You shake hands, like, crazy hard. It'd like to meet your scene partner, Brick. Put her there, big fella. Wow, okay.

You shake hands like crazy hard. It's like my daddy always said. Weak handshake, weak constitution. Is there a script? Yeah, we don't really write these chats. Is this fucking bitch for real? Mind your language, Brick. I'll have you know I'm as real as a U.S. silver dollar, and I've got twice the shine.

Okay, Brick. Can you just show her what she's going to be working with today. Uh, okay, Brick, let's, uh, can you just show her what she's gonna be working with today? Yeah, okay. Holy Toledo, will you look at the size of that ding-dong? I tell ya, it looks like one of those big salamis they used to hang in the window of the town butcher shop. Yeah, you know what to do with it? Put it on a nice rye with a little bit of mustard and make yourself a darn fine lunch. No, yeah, no, I mean...

All right, down we go! Ah, fuck you. How is she, Brick? I mean, like, no, I mean... All right, down we go. Oh, fuck you. How is she, Brick? I mean, like, weird. Like, I can feel her smiling on my dick, dude. It's confusing. Boy, I tell you, I've heard of choking on an audition, but this is ridiculous. Did I mention I do comedy as well?

Dude, this is fucking creepy. I don't like this. Yeah, I know. Just improvise. Just work with it, dude. Oh, fuck you, you little fucking creepy I don't like this Yeah, I know Just improvise Just work with it, dude Oh, fuck you, you little fucking whore You got so much moxie, don't you? Darn tootin'

Alright, let's see how she fucks Roxy, how about you get on your hands and knees for Brick? You know, back in Dullesville I used to ride horses But I never thought I'd get to be one Seriously, my stand-up act is like Cat's Pajamas if you want to hear more No, no, no, for sure no

Alright, let's hear you talk dirty, Roxy Aw, dude, why would you do that? Leaping lizards, call me Papa's rhubarb crops Cause I'm getting plowed Isn't this dickin' a fine howdy-a-do? You're really giving my petunia the business You've gotta stop talking You're right, how about a song?

Jeepers, creepers Get in there deeper Jeepers, creepers, get in there deeper. Jeepers, creepers, right between my thighs. No, fuck it. I can't. I'm sorry, Chet. I just, I'm done. I'm going back to school.

Seems like that boy's got a real chicken in his henhouse. Well, mister, what do you think? Did I get the part? I've been making porn for 15 years. And I gotta tell you, I've seen just about everything a man can see. I've seen threesomes and foursomes and every number of some after that. I've seen a girl prolapse her anus, scoop it back up in a Burger King cup, and get right back in the action. But until today, I never thought I'd see the woman that could out-fuck Brick Piston.

Congratulations, Roxy. You're gonna be a star. Gee whiz! With talent, positivity, and a heaping helping of good old-fashioned heart, Roxy Sarsaparilla went on to film 87 adult films that month, including 23 Skeet Do,

Cram It Up My Flapper, and the menstrual fetish masterpiece, Ragtime. While she passed away shortly after from a medical condition called total vaginal implosion, her spirit still lives on in the hearts of every wide-eyed bumpkin who comes to Hollywood with stars in their eyes and a dream in their hearts.

Alright everybody, the Mean Boys podcast is back after a very weird break which I may have to include in the post-show at some point just because there's a lot happening. There's techno music and disputes. Okay, no, Tom. There wasn't a dispute.

Oh, God, no. It is time to close out the show, as we always do, with a round of our favorite game, which of the following? I like the techno song better. Yeah, the techno song. Can we pump up that techno song a little bit, Tom?

Pump up the jams. All right. This week, I'm just going to do it like a tour director. Hey! All right. If you look to your left, you're going to see which of the following is not a real vape company. Wow, perfect. All right.

Which of these is not a real vape company? A, Cloud City Concoctions. B, AmeriClone. No. real vape company a cloud city concoctions b americlone c mindfunk designs or d identity liquid spelled e y e like the organ in your head these all sound like speaking of organs in your head don't get too frisky while we're still on the bus fellas i can't believe people who own vape companies come up with such shitty names these all sound like the people who were just talking in that juggalo video indeed they do and i'll say this several things that i made up as fake companies i googled turned out to be real

including uh raptor coils and ninja coils at least you have a great future yeah i could do branding for a fucking sad strange little man. I'm a pretty big guy. Can you run it one more time? Cloud City Concoctions, AmeriClone, MindFunk Designs, or Identity E-Liquid. I'm going to say MindFunk. I'm going AmeriClone. I agree with Keith. I think MindFunk.

The fake one is A, Cloud City Concoctions. Damn it, I was going to say that. That seemed so real to me. C, C, C, baby. You want to blow clouds, you got to fuck with C, C, C. All right. Round number two, which of the following is not a real... He's going to be like, who's Cloud?

Connor seems like his juggalo name would be Cloud. Oh, Cloud? Yeah, no, I definitely probably have named a character in an RPG that before. Yeah. Like on some Final Fantasy VII shit. Which of the following is not a real vape company? A, Ultimate Innovapers. Oh my god, kill yourself.

Oh, that's great. B, Vaporesso. C, Max Vape. Or D, Evapzone. These are all, by the way, these all sound like a place you can play laser tag These are the Everything from this game came from The first link I clicked on the very first Google search

I had to do no digging to find stupid as fuck And I cut out 20 Oh god There's a lot of these Jesus They're all strikingly dumb Well they're vape companies all strikingly dumb. Yeah. Well, they're vape companies.

Strikingly dumb. You've really taken umbrage with a lot of things this podcast. Juggalos, vapes. I think there's, I don't know. I like more druggy white trash. The whole fucking, like, vape. I'm all riled up. Yeah, lean in if you're going to smoke something.

Yeah, do math or do nothing. Yeah, just go home. You're going to do nothing anyway. You might as well be on meth for it. Yeah, do meth and then do nothing. Do meth and then go to the Chevron. Yeah, there you go. Do you have nothing to do?

Do meth. Yeah, just be a failure really fast. I also hate vape culture. I don't like juggalos. Trump bugs me. Like, this has been just an onslaught of things that poke me in the heart. It's all white trash and it feels like a personal attack. I would like it noted that you said you hate juggalos. Trump bugs you?

No, I hate all politicians. I hate Trump and then I was so much more upset by the fucking juggalos. It was very confusing. I was emotionally riddled. I I was very, it was very confusing. I was emotionally riddled.

I don't like that they are that way, but I respect their right to be that way. And I think the vast, vast, vast majority of them have no intent of harming anyone. We're not having a serious debate about the merits of juggalocity. I'm juggle proud. Juggalocity?

Is that what you just said? I said juggalocracy. I don't care that they exist and they do their shit. I, I'm, I'm, I'm perturbed that I watched this. Tom, watching you try to find the word perturbed was like, when you're looking for the light switch and the dark. I was pterodactyled by the fact that they couldn't get the neck shaved right. They made me feel very stegosaurus-ed, and I don't...

What are we doing? Oh, yeah, vapes. A. What was A? Run them one more time real quick. Ultimate Innovapers, Vaporesso, Max Vape, and Evap Zone. I'm going to say Max Vape. I'm going Ultimate Innovapers.

I thought Max Vape, but I don't... I don't know. I'm going to go A. Alright, the fake one is A, Ultimate Innovation. Son of a bitch! We did it! Damn it, I wanted that to be real because it was the funniest one. That's why I knew it was fake. Alright, round number three.

Very exciting round. Special edition. Which of the following is not a real vape company? Needlessly old-timey edition. Oh, fuck. A, the Buttercream Vapory. Get the fuck out of my edition. Oh, fuck. A, the buttercream vapory. Get the fuck out of my house. B, Kelsey's old-fashioned vapory. Old spelled O-L-D-E.

How is Kelsey spelled? K-E-L-S-E-Y. What is old-fashioned vape? I don't know. Is that just huffing paint? Well, old-fashioned vape is when you give the girl's dad some goats, and then you just own her. It's a dowry.

Ah, the good old days. C, vintage e-liquids. Again, vintage. So what, 2008? Yeah, that's just gross. That's just old. Or D, the dabberdashery. I want that to be on the show.

Keith is on a diet currently, and he's never come closer to a heart attack than just that he's had a stroke oh my god i vote d i'm gonna say b i thought a dabberdashery was something uh made up on this podcast no a haberdashery is like a men's clothing store dabberdash referring to dabs like you know i I'm saying the Kelsey's old time butt fuckery. Rootin' tootin' fuckin' smokatorium. I'm going to go Dabberdashery. All right. The fake one is D, the Dabberdashery.

Tom and Jessica vying for first place. Anybody's game. Killing it. Except Keith's. I'm overestimating the intelligence of the vape community is what's happening here. Anything clever, I assume they couldn't have come up with. Yeah, I think I get the rhythm now. Let's go to round four.

All right. Round number four, all extra dumb edition. Oh, this one's all extra dumb. Oh, now we're going to get silly. A, Body Rock Products. Shut up. Stop it. B, Foo Man Brews.

Go away. C, Extreme Dream. Kill yourself. Or D, Jazzy Bobge. Go away. C, Extreme Dream. Kill Yourself. Or D, Jazzy Boba. Kill Your Pets. Which is my fan fiction black Boba Fett. Jazzy Boba. Also played in the band with all the bots.

Jazzy Boba. What are the fucking... Mandalorian? No, the Biths. Biths, Biths. Yeah, Both, Both, and I was thinking Both and Spies. Biths. Didn't Jazzy Boba...

I was just thinking DJ Jazzy Boba and the Fresh Bosque. Jazzy Boba fought Mace Windu, right? That's how Jazzy Boba fought. You gotta hear A, B, and C again? Body Rock Products,

Fu Man Brewers, and Extreme Dream. How is rock spelled? Just R-O-C-K. That's a great question. Okay. I'm going B. I do note

alternate spellings. And C one more time, I'm sorry. C is Extreme Dream. I'm going B. Fu Man Brews. Yeah. You're on Fu Man Brews? Fu Man Brews?

Tom? I'm going A. All right. Body Rock Products, the fake one. C, Extreme Dream. God damn it. Strike out. All right.

You know my biggest problem with this game? I can't remember any of the things. I just have to make a mental note. Yeah, Tom, you're like a sweaty goldfish. The bull is afraid. Yeah, I woke up and my basement seemed big again. All right. Yeah, there's mold growing on my little pirate ship.

No, wait. Did I make the bottle around the ship or the ship inside the bottle? I just broke it. It doesn't matter. I just pooped wherever. Oh, no. All right. Round number five.

All real or all fake vape companies. A, Relaxotech. B, Minnesota E-Liquids. Oh, God. C, Artery Vapor. Or D, Danko. These are all real. They're all fake.

All real. Minnesota E-Liquids sounds like an old-timey prospector who fights with Yosemite Sam. I'm going all real. All real. All right. Those are all real. Yeah. Yay.

Nothing's better than Minnesota E-Liquids. What flavor is that? Like cheese? I'm going all real. All real. All right. Those are all real. Yay. Nothing's better than Minnesota E-Lake. Like, what flavor is that? Wait. Like, cheese? I think we tied. We tied? Is there a tiebreaker? No.

Oh. You know what? I can make a tiebreaker right now. We've never done that ever. Yeah, we have. I did it with Connor. Oh. Yeah.

All right. You know what? I got my worksheet out. Actually. Oh, yeah. All right, you know what? I got my worksheet out, so... Actually... I'm just going to make one up on the spot, and then... I'm scared. You guys have to tell me if this is a real one or the one that I made up.

Give me a second to... Give me some thinking, Techno. Yeah. All right. Okay, so each of you guys, you've got to pick one of these, and it's going to be a lightning round as soon as I say go, because there's only going to be two options. Okay.

Because this is a tiebreaker. You have to say which one's real and which one's fake? Yeah, there's going to be one real one and one fake one. Just say which one you think is the fake or the real one. Okay. Say the real one. Okay. Say the real one. The options are sex juice or slippy syrup. Okay. Say the real one. Okay. All right. Say the real one. The options are

sex juice or slippy syrup. Slippy syrup. Sex juice. Slippy syrup's real. Slippy syrup is real. I win somehow. Tom wins.

Keith is a less embarrassing defeat. Jessica dies. Brought shame on her family. I don't care. They brought shame on themselves.

They made me. Oh, that was a bummer. Sad and real. Sad, sad and real. They brought shame on themselves. They made me. Oh, that was a bummer. Sad and real. Sad, sad and real. The Mean Boys mailbag. Yay, mail. Oh, this is another mean thing to Jessica.

Why is she slash or whatever verified on Twitter? First of all, thank you for not assuming my gender. Or species. And I'm verified because I'm better than you. Yeah, much better than you. you yeah of all the things and also take that everyone who's ever been like well i don't know why you reference people thinking you're manly or a lesbian this clear twitter person sees it so yeah uh and also of all the things that in my comedy career i've done that i thought should be cool you know the things where you're like I've done that I thought should be cool.

You know the things where you're like, oh, I'm going to try to impress my friends. Like, yeah, we roasted Dave Chappelle. I'm going to be on Comedy Central, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nothing has moved the needle more than my girlfriend being verified on Twitter. They are flabbergasted by this. I'm very impressive. All right, next tweet comes from Quentin Thomas Tom, name five types of bears

Go! Grizzly, black, angry gummy and swimming Swimming bears Those are sharks Fuck right off Fuck right off Angry

Gummy Gummy Swimming Fuck right off. Angry. Gummy. Gummy. Swimmy. I'm back. You broke Cotterhead. Never does it make me laugh. Alright, and that's the mailbag.

That's it. That's it. Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? Check out Jessica's podcast mailbag. That's it. Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? Check out Jessica's podcast, Ignorance is Blessed. New episode with Keith Carey coming soon, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, it's going to be great. We're going to talk about him being a bisexual. Yeah, one and a half.

The premise of the show is basically you just find people that are different or whatever, and then you ask them all the ignorant questions. And then you hurt them. And then I bully them until I get answers. Until they're normal. All right. So May 20th, check me out at Tournament of Nerds at the UCB Theater right here in L.A. at midnight. May 21st, I will be at a house show, some sort of punk rock comedy nonsense. Check it out on Facebook.

May 23rd, fucking roast battle, title fight against Eli Sayers from New York. Come out to the Comedy Store, buy your tickets. If you haven't already, they will sell out. Yes, and look forward to Eli and Zach Amico on the Mean Boys. Yes, that'll be fun. Are they doing it the same week? We're going to bring them in the same week. Let's figure this out off air probably.

We will, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jess? Oh, I'm on Twitter and Instagram at JMSComedy, and JessicaMichelleSingleton.com has all my shows and I'm all over the Midwest all summer doing some shows with Connor too. Yes, we're going to be together and apart all over the goddamn place.

I have a lot of dates coming up. I always do. I'm very busy. I have one very important thing to plug. This Saturday... This pussy. I'm going to... She also just pointed at me.

You shouldn't have... You should. Who am I kidding? I'm the one who set this up for... I quit. All right? You smart motherfucker. Anyway, I'm doing a graduation party for a high school kid this Saturday.

Oh, my God. I may just come to watch. Because I don't know why. Are they paying you? Yes. An amount of money to which I could not say, fuck that. What school is it? What school is it?

Catch me June 2nd roasting a Tempe-based charity for which I have to rent a tuxedo. Conman's making ends meet, gang. And it's all going to that tuxedo rental. Yeah, well, I'm going to get some dope pictures of me. I'm getting like a powder blue, because they told me we want to do like Dean Martin,

which never a good sign when the reference point is 40 years old. I love the Dean Martin roast as much as any comedy aficionado, but I'm like, oh, okay. We've done a lot since then. Maybe we could have gone with Flavor Flavor or whatever. Anyway, Tom, anything you'd like to plug? Yeah, the 19th. It's May, right?

May 19th, I will be at the Comedy Palace in San Diego, and then May 20th, I will be at the Kitsch Bar in Costa Mesa. Check out my podcast, Who Told You That? Conspiracies. I might, you know what? I'll make the announcements on the podcast. I'm on my own podcast. There might not be an episode this week, but other episodes are good. Also, I'm on

Twitter at GusGus6. What happened here was a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it. It sure was. All right. Well, time to sign off, everybody. Fuck everything. God is dead. Oh, shit.

Oh, my back. Feel it, feel it, feel it, feel it. What? What? Tom, this rules. What is this? This is like a famous song. I think so, yeah.

Better Off Alone by LSDJ. Hey, if I become Completely immobile Please don't ever put Juggalo makeup on me As a joke 100% gonna happen Wait don't put what on you? If I'm completely immobile

You mean Asleep for a minute Wait don't put what on you? Juggalo makeup on me Oh When I'm crumpled In a wheelchair Juggalo makeup

Did you just take A crap on my dance? I like that Tom is doing interstitial music and sound effects just to keep the vibe in the studio alive. What the hell is wrong with you all? My God, are you still talking? That's not a joke, son. Oh shit, I think I just booked a college. Whoa! I need money, it's really hard to be living with true string budgets.

It's hard because I don't have food in my butt. It's all just liquid. I'm scared for my health. I'm really worried about you. All right, Tom, do you want to kill the music? Oh, if you could pull up the Witch of the Following sound, I wouldn't mind. That would be good. Better off alone.

Oh yeah, the jingle or whatever. Oh yeah, I think I have that. Thanks, man. Man, that song makes me want to just like go drive real fast through Malibu and just think about girls who didn't deserve me. Dude. Yeah. It's pretty funny. Those are things that exist.

Yeah, they sure are. You can't drive and no woman has ever deserved you in a negative way. That was the meanest, funniest thing I ever heard. I'm just kidding, Keith. Hey, you called her a trash can earlier. She called her a trash can.

I am a trash can. She called her that. I'm like one of a trash can she called her that she called her those trash cans with a really nice mural painted on you sound like a guy that's trying really hard to be sensitive to transgender pronouns yeah you're fading it back in time i identify as trash can all right we're getting along better now there we go yeah drive right. Can we just do the fucking show? Yes. Let's go do Mushrooms on a Beach instead. That sounds good.

All right. I don't know why that was such a controversial statement.