Mean Boys - EP 61 - Baking Glove Paddlesmack (feat. Eli Sairs, Zac Amico & Tom Goss)

Episode Date: May 23, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Tom Tompardy", and a game of “Which of the Following” with shit that happened in Greek mythology. You can now leave us a voicemail at [phone] Buy the new “Fuck everything, God is dead!” t-shirt! Available for a limited time: https://teespring.com/fuck-everything-shirt#pid=369&cid=6517&sid=front We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (eataburrito.com) Listen to Tom’s podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-told-you-that/id1197690915?mt=2 Listen to Connor’s new podcast with Adam Tod Brown: https://soundcloud.com/unpopsconspiracy Send us an email at [e-mail] Follow our guest Eli Sairs on Twitter: twitter.com/elisairs Follow our guest Zac Amico on Twitter: twitter.com/zacisnotfunny Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: www.soundcloud.com/meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: http://twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, everybody. It's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. It sure is. Yeah. We have an exciting announcement. You can now, unfortunately, from the Mean Boys Podcast. It sure is. Yeah. We have an exciting announcement. You can now, unfortunately, leave the Mean Boys Podcast a voicemail. God help us all.

We have a phone number. You call it. You can say whatever you want. We might play it on this stupid show. Yeah, we very well might for a new segment coming soon. So please give us a call. Leave your thoughts in audio form at 304-805-MEAN. That's 304-805-MEAN. Yeah, 304-805-MEAN that's 304-805-MEAN yeah 304-805-6326

that spells MEAN it does yeah yeah well I mean I had to look at it for a while to figure it out I'm not going to pretend like I'm better than you people other exciting news the Fuck Everything God is Dead t-shirt is going to be available for 5 more days we've got the link in the show notes

please grab one of those up We've been selling quite a few and we really appreciate that. What else do we have? Anything? Please review the show on iTunes. We passed the 69 reviews. The 69th review belongs to Soundboard L. Jackson who writes, I listen for the

Soundboard. Tom Goss should start his own sound effects podcast. Fuck yourself to death. I mean, a sound effects podcast would just be like watching Pulp Fiction with your eyes closed. That would be the Tom Goss.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the YouTube supercut of various memorable moments. And then one of them where you're like, wait, wasn't that Snakes on a Plane? Don't worry about it. Indeed.

So please, if you haven't already, leave us a review on iTunes. Reminding that we're sponsored as always by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. The finest Mexican food that money can buy. Eataburrito.com. More information.

We've got catering. We've got fucking, in theory, a special Mean Boys burrito. We have it no way designed. But go tell them what they should put on it. Yeah, go get stared at by some people that have nothing to do with this shit that are working the register. And finally, our Amazon referral link got declined. Yay, too cool for Amazon. Yeah, too punk rock for Amazon, right?

We're going to get a Silk Road referral link, so when you guys buy your fucking oxycodone or handguns, you can kick back the Mean Boys podcast.0068 Bitcoin. Other than that, this was a fun episode. I really appreciate these guys coming out from New York and doing the podcast. That isn't the only thing that came out for it. That would be really awkward.

Especially with what happened. Also, just a quick note. No sketches on this episode. We all got real busy this week. They'll be back for you to fast forward through next week. Indeed they will. And as always, tell a friend. And we've been getting a ton of love. More love than ever on the Twitter

and all that stuff. And I love reading that shit. Eli asked me to plug a couple things he forgot to at the end of this episode. Dying of heat exhaustion and social awkwardness. Check out Eli's podcast, I swear to God, Rude Boys, with J.P. McDade, which he actually messaged us and got our blessing to use the name.

Yes. He's a good egg. Yeah, and his video series Burn Ballads is up on Facebook where he plays the guitar and makes fun of people that suck. Kind of just taking our whole alliteration roasting slash blank boys motif. Yeah, yeah. Check out his new sidekick, Ron Boss. Ron Boss, that's that weird meditation guru, right? Who got hit in the head a bunch of times in India and now people worship him and shit.

Yeah, I got a third eye. It's on my butt. All right. Yeah, email us. Meanboyspodcast.gmail.com with your game submissions and yada, yada, yada. This has gone on way too long. You know what to do. Enjoy the show. hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast churches are just methadone clinics for fear

i'm connor mcspadden i'm Keith Carey. And we're Bizarro Us. Yeah, what's up, guys? Hey, dude. Thanks so much for having us on. Yeah, it's weird seeing just like another gangly cunt and fat sexual deviant on our patio. Like somebody is just gonna come out with a gun and be like, which one do I shoot? The shittiest game of guess who? Yeah, and the answer will be themselves. We are joined by

New York's Eli Sayers and Zach Amico. Thank you for coming to the studio guys Thanks for having us They are here for what's going to be happening tonight When this episode is released The roast battle intercoastal fuck shit We drop Tuesday morning Oh shit

So tonight you can come watch Zach fight Doug Fager And me and Eli beat the shit out of each other We're doing it And Lewis and Kim Mike Feeney and Anna Valenzuela And a couple of cripples too We're doing it. We're doing it. And Lewis and Kim and Mike Feeney and Anna Valenzuela. And a couple of cripples, too. And I really enjoyed Eli being flabbergasted by all their big city buildings.

He's like, I've never been in a house this big before. We're living in a straight-up crack dungeon. Yeah, true story. Eli was like, the Comedy Store is like a castle in that it has stairs and several doors. More than six rooms of castle where I'm from, buddy. You only got a moat? Oh, also, Tom. I'm just happy to be here at Sirius XM.

This is amazing. Yeah, we may have misled the guests a little bit. Yeah, what's fun is we don't tell anybody that this is just in our shitty kitchen until it's far too late for them to leave. Oh, yeah, until Tony Hinchcliffe is like, so can I shit here without getting a pirate disease? And the answer is... I like that Tom is just... Can we shit after you without getting it? I can't...

I'm not shitting after you anywhere. That's true. When he shits in a bathroom, it's closed. Like, that's game over for that toilet. Yeah, that's when you hear closing time at karaoke. You're like, okay, we're wrapping up. Zach and Miko just shit time of karaoke. You're like, okay, we're wrapping up. Zach and Miko just shit in the bathroom. And I like that Tom has just been playing sound effects

apropos of nothing in the background of this. How you doing, buddy? I'm good. I'm good. Most people we've ever had on Mean Boys, we had to get another mic in here. You never had two guests before? Oh, yeah, two guests with Tom.

No. Whoa. I have a whole new table for the people listening at home. His table is a chair. This is good radio, everybody. Yes. All right. It is a chair.

We have awkwardly limped through this introduction. I think it's time to get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Connie, you want to start it? Sure thing. A Long Beach man will spend eight months in prison after throwing a special needs boy's assistance dog off a balcony. In his defense, the man said,

Hey, Gunther swore he knew how to fly. What? The special needs kid said the dog could fly. That's great. I love that. I can't believe you memorized it. Oh, no, I'm reading. Oh!

Oh, you mean that box got words on it? This is what's called a laptop you mean that stick that sticker wall yeah i man we don't got voodoo books he had just processed running water so this was a lot to put on him we call him come juders because that's who uses them. All right. A new trailer has been released for the film War for the Planet of the Apes. War for the Planet of the Apes is also what President Trump has codenamed his plan to repair America's inner cities. I love that.

It's hilarious, dude. Okay, let me see. The Cash Me Outside Girl is going on tour. It's the first time someone started with a farewell tour. God, fuck that girl. Is the Cash Me Outside Girl topical? Does that count? I mean, three weeks ago, yeah.

I don't know what that is. How did you miss that? Excuse you? The girl, the 14-year-old with huge tits who was on Dr. Phil. You're going to have to narrow it down. Yeah, that doesn't sound specific. I was going to be like, don't lead with 14 and then go tits. No one else is talking about her tits, Zach, you fucking pervert.

I mean, yeah, we're just not doing it on a recorded medium. Would she, like, kill somebody? Why are people... Or she just got big jogs on Dr. Phil. She is white and she talked like a black person. And that's hilarious, right? Yeah. It's the future of comedy.

I guess. I want to do an episode where we just explain cultural phenomenon to Tom. Yeah, he's like, okay, who's this poor white guy? Zach, you're up. Bobby Moynihan announced this weekend he's leaving Saturday Night Live.

And in Fat Guy on SNL tradition Lorne Michaels presented him with an engraved bent spoon and syringe set thanks Bobby and here's to the movies you'll do that people will pretend were funny in 20 years he's all done you piece of shit you didn't tell me we were doing good jokes

I thought we were in this together. Yeah, I fucking whiffed this weird Nixon goes to China thing right off the bat on my end. We'll join you in failure town. All right. A new study shows that three quarters of people with long-term mental illness are unemployed. Researchers are praising new government work programs like concussed podcast soundboard operating hiring incentives. That's you, Tom. Oh.

For a sound effect or just my mental health? It's a joke about you. Don't worry about it, Tom. Yeah, okay. Okay, thank you for phoning in that air horn. Wingling Brothers Circus performed their final show this week. In their honor, Zach Amico has vowed to continue looking like an unemployed clown. Damn. Holy clown. Damn.

Holy shit. Okay. The cash me outside girl. Has been cashed inside. More at 11. I'm just kidding. Five cash me outside jokes.

I'm just kidding. North Korea continues to test missiles. I'm not saying we completely shouldn't worry, but let's just say it's the first time Asians have sucked at a test. King Arthur came out in theaters this weekend and was a major bomb, proving that even Guy Ritchie can't pull his talent back out of Madonna's cunt. Yeah, Madonna's really like the white Erykah Badu. Whoever fucks her just goes

right downhill and starts getting crazy. I don't know enough about black people to know what that means. Andre 3000, Jay Electronica, they all fucked Erykah Badu and then had breakdowns. Huh. Alright, that's for our zero black listeners. Hope he listens sometimes. That's for anyone with their ear to the wall outside

the house right now. Whoever shot those gunshots that we heard when we were smoking a cigarette. We have one black sometimes. No, he doesn't. That's for anyone with their ear to the wall outside the house right now. Yeah, the only... That's whoever shot those gunshots that we heard when we were smoking a cigarette. We have one black listener and he mostly comes in to complain that we're

ruining his work-from-home situation. Yeah, yeah. Somebody who works for... Is that what they call welfare? Yeah. You're a racist motherfucker. What, Tom, with a rare appropriate sound?

Never thought I'd see the day Donald Trump Donald Trump gave a speech in Saudi Arabia today On Islam and religious tolerance This news coincides with the recent announcement That Keith Curry and Zach Amico are the keynote speakers Of the Thin Straight Guy Convention Hell yeah dude

Yeah fuck that bro You guys just fist pounded over calling us fat, okay? I'm all about pussy and metabolism, man. Yeah, right? Whatever. I like carbs and dick. Where we at? Conservative radio host Alex Jones reached a settlement in a lawsuit with Chobani Yogurt.

This was reported by CNN's newest correspondent, A Sh shitty game of Mad Libs. During a graduation speech, Mike Pence got walked out on at the Irish school Notre Dame because of his views on homosexuality not being harsh enough. How about that? I love this through line. We've never had such a cohesive set of Mexican joke-off jokes.

People are in an uproar this week that Donald Trump facilitated giving $110 billion in weapons to Saudi Arabia. But don't worry. They'll be sending back most of them towards us very soon. That's the thing. We do the thing with other countries and arming them. It's like when you barely had enough Pokemon cards for one good deck and then you just made a shitty one so you could beat your little brother over and over again. That's what we do with AK-47s and brown people. You are a loser.

You really are a loser. Thank you, Tom. Sorry about that. Harsh. Whoops. I gave him that. I thought it was a very fine riff. You're not a nice person.

It's mostly just Donald Trump and Samuel L. Jackson for some reason. You guys are looking real... you're regretting this decision. I have totally killed momentum. No, no, no. I also got asked to do a Goosebumps podcast at some point while I'm out here, so. Hang on a second. There's a Goosebumps podcast? Well, yeah, they wrote that book about him a couple years back.

Shit, I want to be on that. It's called Mom's New Boyfriend. What the fuck are you talking about well like that's the thing he might be regretting it because he's used to like working in a studio like real studios and but i'm just like holy shit this isn't a real i'm just like i'm just like holy shit you're allowed to just own microphones this is this is insane you don't do most of your broadcasting uh six feet from a toilet that's never been cleaned. Eli got into comedy because he wanted to meet a microphone. Is it going to shock me? I feel like it's going to shock me.

I want it to be a shock comic. Oh, my God. I'll see myself out. Through the window. That's where you go. Through the wall until your blood drips down your balls. A new $60 million lawsuit accuses Steve Harvey of torturing his wife. Perfect joke. That's real.

I don't know how that wasn't the biggest story. That came out like two days ago. How the fuck? What? Anyway, her lawyers say no woman should have to wait longer than five seconds to find out what the survey says. Wait, was he just choking around with one of those giant ties? It's like a psychological thing, I think, from what I could tell. Like, he just, like like verbally, you know,

broke her down. How? Oh, so not at all. Yeah. So not torture. Survey says, the bitch is lying.

Welcome to the Alt-Right Radio Hour, live from the historic Filipino town, or as we call it, none of the good ones. We, yeah, fun fact about that, by the way,

we found out recently that apparently our podcast is very popular with the Alt-Right in Germany. Yeah. We have actually not. I'm not surprised at all. Which was not intentional popular with the alt-right in Germany. Yeah, we have actually. I'm not surprised at all. Which was not intentional, and we felt real weird about it. No, that's how the roast fans in New York City, a lot of those guys are alt-right.

Yeah, and that's a bummer. Yeah. Yeah, you're so funny. Also, Jews, who needs them? And you're like, uh-oh. Yeah, let's just say I've stopped checking the Twitter pages when I get a new follower because I don't want to find out their views. Yeah, there's not a lot. There's no pie gold at the end of that right there. I don't want to find out their views. Yeah, there's not a lot.

It's real bad. There's no pie gold at the end of that, right? I don't know if I told this story. I accidentally did. Have I told this story on the podcast when I accidentally joined a Nazi gang on Warcraft 3? Sorry, what? I was really bad. I had a dial-up modem, so my connection was slow.

I'd always lose. I was fucking 12. And I was like, I want to be in a guild. And this guy was like, you can join our guild. You just got to put SS in front of your username. So I was just like, yeah, the SS. And my neighbors were like, Connor, those are Nazis. And I was like, you can join our guild, you just gotta put SS in front of your username. So I was just like, yeah, the SS, and my neighbors were like, Connor, those are Nazis, and I was like, oh, shit. Oh, I thought we were boats.

Just a bunch of fucking happy little tugboats. I thought we were lazy snakes. You get it. A Houston preschool teacher injured 12 students after a science experiment went awry. The Texas Board of Education released a statement saying, quote, We are shocked to hear about this incident, particularly since the state of Texas outlawed science in 1873. Too long. Needs more words.

The Ringling Brothers Circus is shutting down. Talk about whether they were a good organization or not, but it's never comfortable to address the dead elephants in a room. I hope you have at least one shitty one, Zach. Speaking of dead elephants. It's coming. It's coming. This week, former Pittsburgh Steeler Mylon Roll became the first NFL player turned neurosurgeon, marking the first time

an NFL player will alter a woman's brain from the inside. Oh, shit. Wow. I was expecting like a football concussion. I was expecting, like, a football concussion. I was expecting the N-word. I didn't expect, like, a clever fucking... Actually, I just want to check the recording here. Yeah, we're 12 minutes into the show, and I've never seen Keith Carey sweatier in my entire life.

Dude, it is so fucking hot in here. You should crack a window. And also, I am so fat. You have tit sweat, like, under your tit. Well, I'm, like, I started doing... I'm on a diet now, which I realize this is the best I can do. But all I do is sweat and shit. My life is pain. Okay.

Speaking of which, an unclaimed New York City lottery ticket worth $24 million is set to expire next week. If you want to visit the Big Apple and sift through a bunch of garbage hoping to find something of value, check out the comedy of Eli Sears and Zach Amico. Okay. bunch of garbage hoping to find something of value check out the comedy of eli sears and zach amico okay well you really know how to make someone feel welcome tell you that yeah sorry we didn't have a cross on the lawn for you y'all hold up y'all got a lawn yeah first time we have people over i actually want to i like clean the studio and i was like i want to impress these guys show them a good time worst jokes i've ever done actually want to clean the studio and shit. I was like, I want to impress these guys. Show them a good time. Worst jokes I've ever done in the beginning of the show ever. Three Mexican gangbangers exploded this week trying to tag a burning cross.

A burning cross? Oh, y'all mean a cigarette lighter. Valkyrie, I told you to take the M80s out of her pockets, homie. Oh, Valk, we didn't plan this shit. And finally, Kenya has opened their first gay health clinic. Fun fact, in Kenyan, health clinic translates to gas chamber. A mighty faggot.

Apropos of nothing. I mean, it worked, but in, like, not a great way. Gay was said. Dwayne. Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Tom Hanks both announced their candidacy to run for office in 2020 that's crazy one of the greatest

actors of all time and Tom Hanks are running for office in 2020 this year's The Bachelorette is breaking boundaries by having its first African American Bachelorette of course all 30 potential suitors won't also be black because no woman could afford to pay that many phone bills.

Oh my God. I like your jokes because they've basically taken your appearance and gone it's exactly what it looks like. You are correct. Sometimes you can read a book by its cover.

And my jokes say, oh yeah, you clearly did write those at In-N-Out Burger an hour ago. All right, gang. I think that was a rip-roaring Mexican joke. The Mean Boys will be right back. Welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast. I'm Tom Goss,

and we're getting back into the known game for the podcast tom tomperdy uh not the best way to describe it uh so for you guys because tom is incapable of explaining his own creation so first of all just to explain uh tom goss a little bit like i said he's had a lot of concussions uh he describes things in a very uh very interesting manner we used to play a game called tom lightning round where we would just throw out random phrases and Tom would describe them. Some examples, he once described love as horny fear.

Swans as sexy geese. And pyramids as ancient alien teepees. Throw out a word and Tom will explain it. Trail of Tears? Trail of Tears? Oh, Iroquois, I don't know. You had one job, Tom. You almost said black and then said Iroquois. I don't know. You had one job, Bob.

You almost said black and then said Iroquois. I was going to say blood trail. I was like, that's too accurate. Give me another one. Asian? Black? No. Telephones.

Telephones. Ring you talks. There we go. There we go. Goose stepping. I don't know what that is. It's how Nazis walked. There we go. Goose stepping. I don't know what that is. It's how Nazis walked. Oh, oh.

The no juice to do. That we were looking for. Well, normally this works. It does. I'm off to a rip-roaring start, guys. I really feel like we invited two girls over for a gangbang and everyone's just like, just give me a minute. I'll get hard. Well, at any rate, Tom Tomperney is kind of a reversed version.

He's described things in a very Tom way. We have to figure out what the fuck he's talking about. Indeed, yes. So today's categories, we have sex, grammar, sports, and famous movie characters. I'd like to point out that grammar is spelled with an E. Grammar is spelled wrong, as is characters, as is the name of this game. It's my game. I just thought of the fuck I want. Actually, that second category, those are all about Kelsey Grammar is spelled wrong, as is characters, as is the name of this game. It's my game. I just thought of the fuck I want.

Actually, that second category, those are all about Kelsey Grammar. So that is correct. So we're just reading it off of this TV. It's a cork board for the listeners at home. And also, I'm trying to make a funny joke, but also just like I'm so stupid I'm making visual jokes on the podcast. Oh, man. Yeah. So you guys are the guests. We'll let you guys are the guests.

We'll let you guys take the first crack. Pick a category. Pick an amount. Eli, let's let you take it first. What's that one that starts with SP? Sports. Oh, let's do sports. For how much?

300. Okay. 300. Knock them overs. Sorry. You got to raise your hand if you know what it is. A knock-em-over?

I'm gonna say bowling. That is correct. 300 to Connor. Connor, are you keeping score? I guess. Connor controls the board. Alright, I will, you know what, I'll take sex for 100. Sex for 100. Let's go ahead and that is second makeup.

Oh wait, Eli got it first. Coming on her face. That is correct. A retard knows a retard. I like this guy. It's like Vietnam vets. You see each other like, I don't even need that. I don't like the connection that's forming.

The only two black people in a room of white people are just like, what's up? I've never seen two people so dull have the shining. Eli controls the board. Hell yeah, I do. Sports for 400. Sports for 400. And that is Double Tomperty.

Double what? Double Tomperty. It's like Double Jeopardy, but Tom. Oh. So you have 100, so if you guess it right, you put down how much you bet, which you only have $100. You're going to get less than you would have gotten if it was just worth $400 is what he's telling you.

Yeah. So I'm making a clean profit here. Yeah. Right. So you gamble the $100, and then you either double that or you – So I'll get $300. Yeah, if you get it right. Even Tom doesn't know what Tom's talking about.

I know what I'm talking about, I just can't speak it. Alright, so... Is it only me that gets to answer, though? Only you that gets to answer. Fuck y'all. Also, let's just keep track of our own scores. I got 300, you got 100, so... Alright. Baking glove paddle smack.

Can you use it in a sentence, please? No. Can you say it one more time? Baking glove paddle smack. Baking glove paddle smack. Oh, shit. What category is this? Sports. Baking glove paddle smack.

Cricket? Correct. Fuck. Hey. You have 300 now. And you control the board. Are you sure I have 300? Yeah.

It's double 100, I thought you said. Yeah, you have 200. I was making a joke that I'm stupid, and I thought it was 300. Oh, well, I'm dumb, so I believe that you were being genuine. Well, that's 400, then. All right, I have 400 points. Hey, you know what we should do? More math.

Hilarious. All right, so I control the board? Yeah. I have a feeling one of the sex ones is also bacon glove paddle. I wasn't paying attention. I thought it was sex, and I was like, God, what kind of porn is Tom watching? I don't know, but I think I'm in it. What's that category out there?

Famous movie characters? Let's do 400. I don't think you're just going for the big money. This is a baller. Computer fight guy. Oh. Fuck. I think Keith had it up first.

Yeah, Neo from The Matrix. That is correct. Nice. I knew that one. Shit. Keith controls the board. Movie characters, 300. Movie characters, 300.

I'm hard to break from the future. Eli. Marty McFly. No. What is The Terminator? Correct. I got 600. What's up, y'all?

Zach's getting boxed out. All right. Yeah, where are your jokes now? On the paper in front of me. I'll take sex for 200. Sex for 200. Pain puppet. What?

Pain puppet. Submissive? No. Pain puppet. Pain puppet. Gimp? No. Okay.

You can't go twice. Oh, fuck. I know what it is now. Handjob? No. BDSM? It's Fisting. It's Fisting. There we go.

Oh, shit. Damn it. You don't get the point, though. Connor, you still have the board. Sex for 300 just because I want to get these out of the way and forget them as soon as possible. Come jujitsu. 69ing? No.

The Kama Sutra. No. Ah, fuck. Come jujitsu. Come jujitsu. You got it? I got nothing. It was the cowgirl position.

Have you ever watched jujitsu? No, that's half guard. Have you ever fucked? It's mount. Oh, mount. Thank you. Mount guard. Mount guard is where they throw that ring in the movie with the hobbits, right?

Guard still has the board. Sex for 400. Sex for 400. Show and tell. Eli. Flashing? No, but that also works, I guess. I should just get the points, probably.

Don't try and horn swung a large hard. Skype sex? No, that also makes sense. I feel like your answers are going to make way more sense than whatever it is. Show and tell? Tom, what could you possibly mean? You guys give up?

I got... It was supposed to be running a train, but your guys... What? That's not even sharing. I would call that Choo-Choo no self-esteem. Yeah. Oh, no. The dirty caboose.

Okay. All right. Choo-choo no self-esteem. I choo-choo choked on a black guy's dick. Is it still me, I guess? Yeah. Yeah. Grammar for 100.

Grammar for 100. Toss salad and scramble eggs. That shitty X-Men movie. I don't get it, Squiggle. Question mark. Correct. Grammar for 200. Grammar for 200.

Period twins. Eli. Ellipses? No. Colon. Never mind. Yeah, he said it. You get it then.

I got you, boy. Thanks. I'm on board. Is Colon from Sex? Or is that? All right. You have the board. I'm going to go Fam Thanks. I'm on board. Wait, is Colin from Sex? Or is that... All right. You have the board. I'm going to go Famous Movie Characters 200.

Famous Movie Characters 200. Murder Car Man. Murder Car Man? Stuntman Mike. No. Ah, that's a good pick. Murder Car Man. Murder Car Man. Fuck.

Yes. Kurt Russell from... Nope. That's Stuntman Mike. Oh, well. I got nothing. Fuck. Yes. Kurt Russell from... Nope. That's Stuntman Mike. That's Stuntman Mike. Oh, well. I got nothing. This is also a hard one

because I don't know what movies Tom has seen or met. That guy from Death Proof. I don't know. I got nothing. It was Travis Bickles. Oh, that's actually

made perfect sense. It's Bickles Singular. I showed him this movie. I take full responsibility. It's a great movie. I like that, dude. Yeah, we've always been under the assumption that Tom is basically Travis Bickles and I showed him this movie. I take full responsibility. It's a great movie. I like that, dude. Yeah, we've always been under the assumption that Tom is basically Travis Bickle, and we showed him the movie.

He's like, yeah, I don't get why they think he's a bad guy. I don't. He wasn't killed a president. I get it. He's a big fan of that rom-com, Goodfellas. Zach controls the board. Famous movie characters, 100. Here we go.

I was bad at school one time, guy. Billy Madison. No. Ferris Bueller. Correct. Oh. Okay. All right, I'm up to 800.

I'll take famous movie characters for 300. That's already gone. You mean 200? Uh, sure. That's 300 in Tom's numbers. Okay, Tom, one thing, talking to your microphone, too, your fat is blocking it, so I just went from memory. No, no, no, I did the wrong one. It is three, uh, one thing, talking to your microphone, too, your fat is blocking it, so I just went from memory. No, no, no, I did the wrong one.

It is 300. I can't read Newsman. Anchorman? Yes, Ron Burgundy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Points. All right. No.

You're mixing your points for 100, so you get a bonus spin. We have a very serious Chris Hardwick ban on this show. All right. Sports. Spin soccer. Spin soccer? Please, if it's roulette, I'm going to punch you in the head. Yeah, hold on.

Spin soccer, huh? Oh, oh, oh. Ultimate Frisbee. No. Foosball. Correct. Oh, shit. That's not a sport.

Yeah, it is. No. They have a World Cup for it That is They have World Cups For like Starcraft Yeah If the next one is Starcraft

I mean If it's Starcraft You're moving Like that's what's happening You don't live here anymore Let's finish out sports Sports For 200

Midget back and forth Midget back and forth I shake my midget back and forth uh i shake my midget back and forth fuck um i gotta that also makes sense for foosball because they're little yeah yeah midget back and forth um this could be a catchy rap course now i think about it i got nothing uh i i gotta get this one. I'm slacking here. I've got this one right. Back and forth. Anybody have an idea? Anyone?

Anyone? I got nothing. Hold on. I'm gonna try to think of it, though. Give me like 11 minutes. Midget back and forth. I'm just gonna say horse racing, just because they're short.

No, it was ping pong. On what ground? Explain yourself. It's a smaller version of a not normal person. It's a smaller version of a normal person. That's the game.

Tennis is just back and forth. There's really nothing that happens. Cool. Hot take. Grammar 400. Instead of Venus Williams, they got Mercury Williams as the smaller point. Grammar for 400.

A keep talking word. And? Oh, uh, conjunction. Whoa! I feel like, what Wait you guys split that? No no Connor gets it Okay

Alright Up to a thousand I'll take whatever's left in grammar Alright Um Dude Oh that's sex Um

So the answer's colon We know the answer's colon Uh Extra shit sandwich Parentheses Correct Wait What?

And how'd you know it so quick I don't know I'm starting to catch on To his fucking Sling blade magic Okay You guys ready for the final solution Yeah That's what we call the final

Yeah we were just talking about On the way over here Yeah Tom didn't know What the final one was called I was like what's it called The final solution Alright get your music queued up

Oh yeah Alright. Is this just the last one? Yeah, this is the one where you can wager however much. Write your answer, write how much you bet. Oh, we're writing shit? You can do it on your phone. Yeah, just have it down somewhere. It's a pretty honor system based. I mean, everything else has been so professional about this

experience so far. Alright, do you guys write for your hint or do you guys write down how much you want to wager first? I think we write how much we wager afterwards. And just to clarify how much points

does everybody have? I have 700. I got 1,000. Wait, do you have to wager only how many points you have or can I just be like I want to wager

like 3,000 though. Right, but you have to have you have how much? I have 200. So you can wager how much you want. You're trying to take out a loan

against Jeopardy. You know, you guys can pull your points. Yeah, I have 300. Let's call it 500. You guys got 500. Again, I feel like we're getting real hung up on the numbers. You guys can collude. I'm going to do however much I can. Alright. You guys ready for the hint? Alright, yeah. I want that music playing, Tom, okay?

Yeah, I will when you guys write down your thing. You play it while we're thinking. Yeah, once I get the hint? All right, yeah. I want that music playing, Tom, okay? Yeah, I will when you guys write down your thing. Well, you play it while we're thinking. Yeah, once I get the hint. He's not going to do it. All right. All right. Warriors in history.

Okay. Okay. All right, ready? Wait, what category is it? That's the category. That's the category. And then I'll give you the hint after. Okay, what is the hint?

Oh, fuck. I'm an idiot. Now I see what you're saying. Okay. Period sword bitch. And we just write it down? Yes. Period sword bitch.

Warrior in history. Yeah. This is a band that Zach used to be in. Period. Okay. I think I got it. I still hate you, though. Don't worry.

That's a pretty easy one, I think. Unless I completely am wrong. I'm really disturbed by how well I'm doing at this. This is the first time I've ever gotten kind of flummoxed by Tom Tom. Yeah, you teeth hoses, everybody. I drank a little bit more than usual when I wrote this. By the way, Zach is not writing. He's just calling an Uber.

Super over this. All right. I'll go first. I'm going to say Joan joan of arc okay and i wagered 500 i had no idea uh and i wagered all of it okay uh joan of arc and me and connor we were pulling together so the same amount uh-huh xena warrior princess and i wagered uh my full amount yeah full amount whatever i got it was joan of got. It was John of Arc. Yeah. Yeah. So I win.

Technically, both of us won. Where's my $1,500? I don't know. You have the money in this house. No, that's the other one. I don't know. Literally nobody in this house has any money. It's all on a scale.

We'll be back after a break. And I get the feeling you've been cheated. All right, everybody. The Mean Boys podcast returns to close out the show with our final segment. Everyone, it's a game of which of the following?

Yeah. That's our fucking mean song. I like that. Did y'all write that? We stole it from Sesame Street. Yeah, we did. Because this game

is one of these things that's not like the other, but with AIDS, blood, and shit like that. I want there to be a world where we get sued by PBS. I know. We use so much... I just rip everything from YouTube using our unofficial sponsor, vid2mp3.com.

I'm sure they appreciate the blood. I think I use them, too. Yeah, yeah. It's good stuff. For all your vaguely criminal fucking broadcasting needs. Well, yeah, if you want to take the net profits for this show, I still have the T-shirt I bought of the T-shirts we made. So that's pretty much all you can confiscate from me this week. We're playing a very special round.

I thought this would be good for you guys because I know you're a big metal fan. You're a big wrestling fan. Basically, the worlds of metal and wrestling collide and you get Greek mythology. So this is which of the following is not something that actually happened in Greek mythology. You get four things. You got to tell me which one is the fake thing, basically. So let's begin. Which of the following is not something that happened in Greek mythology. You get four things. You've got to tell me which one is the fake thing, basically. So let's begin with the following. Is that something that happened in Greek mythology?

A, Kronos cut off his dad's dick. B, Hera went to a magical spring every year for vaginal rejuvenation. C, Pan stalked a lady, then made her bones into a flute. Or D, Artemis poisoned Poseidon, then he threw up an octopus that killed her kid. Which did not happen? Yeah, three of those are straight up real. First of all, I love that the first

one in round one is somebody cutting off a dick. Oh, that was intentional. I was like, let's set the tone for what these guys did. I feel like the last one is too specific. Okay. So I'm going to go...

What was the vaginal rejuvenation one? B. The vaginal rejuvenation was B. Yeah, I'm going to go B. Okay. I was actually going to go B, too. All right, Keith Carey. What's the...

What was C again? C is pan-stocked a lady, then turned her bones into a flute. That sounds like some Carnock shit. I'm going to go C. I was going to... Yeah, fuck. Yeah, let's do West Coast, East Coast. I'm going C2.

All right. This is the lamest piece of all. The fake one is D, Artemis Poison Poseidon that he threw up in Octopus the Killer Kid. Oh, fuck.

The Midwest one. Midwest one. Oh, boy. Yeah, Cleveland. On the same page. All right. I like it this game. I'm not happy about it.

That's the only time in Roseville history where Denver won. Am I right, everybody? I'm just talking around. Thank you to all the producers of the show that we were on except Tom. All right, number two. Which of the following is not something that happened in Green Poggy? Maybe season five, buddy. A. Apollo turned into a dolphin and captained a ship to safety.

B. Odysseus cheated on his wife with a lady who turned the crew of his ship into pigs. Dude, God is stupid. C. Athena made a lady kill herself because she was too good

at weaving. Or D. Hades had a sex party in the underworld and threw all the kids that were born after into the sun. What was A again? A was Apollo turned into a dolphin and captained a ship to safety.

A. Why would you turn into a dolphin and then get on a boat? I don't know. It'd be cute. I mean, you're not right. Yeah, this is the fucking ancient god of Lisa Frank folders. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know. That's what he did. None of these make sense. All right. No, I mean, fair point.

I'm just trying to... I'm going A. Yeah? Okay. Oh, New York again. I'm going to say B. B? Tom Goss.

I know for a fact B is true. I mean C. And I'm pretty sure C is also true. I mean D. I think it's either A or D. We know you mean D. I mean D. I think it's either A or D. We know you mean D. I mean Dizness. I don't think the goddess

sun can go in the water. Even if he is a dolphin, I'm going to go A. Alright, the fake one is D. Hades had a sex party in the underworld and threw all the kids that were born in his house. That sounds like one of those stories, though. Yeah, guys, that's the game. I'm very good at it. Oh, you're trying to trick us. Yeah.

Yes, Eli. It took me a while, too. Fucking tired. For the listening audience, here's what it feels like is happening in here. We're all dying of a heat stroke, and slowly Eli has become the smartest person in the room.

Eli, for the listeners, is drinking moonshine out of a Gatorade bottle. He's chewing on a long thing of grain. Three Sharpie X's on the outside of it for aesthetic purposes. And Zach has ruined a t-shirt that was already destroyed

with body fluids and dismay. Question three. We're almost halfway done, guys. How many questions are there? There's 19 rounds. Yeah, there's 19 rounds. There's six rounds because there's so many. I was either like, I'm going to make two shitty ones or one big good one.

So, all right. A. Zeus turned into an eagle, kidnapped a lady, then made her a waitress on Mount Olympus. They have waitresses? Yes. B. Somebody had to, like, get tipped out at the end of a day at God's house? They don't tip in Mount Olympus. She had, like, big jugs?

What? No, the big guys weren't black? Okay. All right. Were they, like, wine jugs or, like, titty jugs? Like, titties. Okay. A titty jugs doesn't look like a name for a black comedian.

Well, can you tell us about the titty jugs? Titty jugs doesn't look like the name of a black comedian, like, coming up next? Titty jugs. Oh, shit. Titty jugs popped in the name of a black comedian, like, coming up next, titty jugs. Oh, shit, titty jugs popped in the stand last night. All right. B, Ares destroyed a city of heretics, then Dionysus made wine out of their baby's blood. C, Athena turned Medusa's hair into snakes as a punishment for getting raped.

Or D, Theseus threw a guy off a cliff where he was eaten by a giant turtle. That snake rape thing is something in Pence's plan for something something. Mike Pence joke. Alright. Cool. Nice. Fuck. I'm gonna say B. Okay. Alright. I'm gonna say D. I'm gonna go C. You guys are all just guessing and do not care.

Absolutely. I know A's real. Fuck. I'm gonna go... Yeah, I saw it happen. I'm gonna go B. Alright it happen I'm gonna go Fucking I'm gonna go B Alright the fake one is B Seems cold for diagnosis

Yeah Okay Tom and Eli Tied up See No Appreciate me We get it Here's what happens

If you and Tom agree On one more thing You have to live here now It's a victory And a diagnosis Yeah he's like a fucking Like weird Like leprechaun.

We're all trapped here. Yeah, if he gets you to say your name backwards, you fly home immediately and Keith gets the belt. Alright, round number four. A. Hera had an ugly baby and threw it off a mountain. B. And now it lives in our basement. Yeah, it was forsook

by my forebears or whatever. Yeah, could I have a cup of coffee? God turned me into a people football. B, Zeus swallowed a pregnant lady. These are good jokes, though. C. Good premises. Good premises.

A, C, Achilles seduced the Cyclops, then used its secrets to defeat King Agamemnon. Or D, Tantalus had a barbecue for the gods, killed his son, and fed him to everyone? Why? I like that they're all just variants. The last one is a South Park episode that also happened in Greek mythology. They're all just variants of like,

some asshole ate some other asshole's kid. No, that's what they did, man. I like that the Greek gods are just Kardashians with superpowers, all right? They're vaguely related, and they just fucking wild out. What was A again? A was Hera had an ugly baby and threw it off a mountain.

And D was the barbecue one? Yeah. I'm going to say the barbecue one. I'm going C. C? I would like to leave. Okay. Well, this has been a good podcast.

I thought that was going to be very funny, man. That sucks. I thought that was gonna be very funny man that sucks i thought everyone was gonna explode yeah no i was like i was like kind of like i was kind of hurt i was like i had to do a lot of no i was like saying that i said you lie out on our shoulders hey i'm sorry are you guys this is the weirdest episode i've ever done i don't know what happened exactly hold up though y'all y'all been making jokes this entire time Like they wanna go, they wanna leave I'm like I wanna leave and everyone's like whoa I left

Yeah you're a good dude Only because he was uncomfortable and he's weak I let the silence sit I'm gonna say C No B Alright it was C No C Trust me man

We'll set you up a mattress on the roof Welcome home All right, it was C. No, C! Trust me, man. Trust me. Well, we'll set you up a mattress on the roof. Welcome home. What are we on, last round? I'm very happy to be here, y'all. All right, there's two more. For the love of God. Fuck you.

I'm going to make five more up, and you're going to miss your spots tonight, bitches. I'm grateful y'all had me, and I didn't really want to leave. It's okay. I know. We know you didn't. We're just goofing around. I got it. Round number five. All Zeus sex edition.

A. Zeus fucked a cloud. Zach finally perked up. I know you're speaking my language. A. Zeus fucked a cloud which created centaurs. By the way, A through D, I think this is the most of the alphabet Eli's ever heard before. B. Zeus turned a woman into an island, then raped the island. C. Zeus took the unborn child from a dead lady he fucked, put it in his thigh, and then it was born.

Or D. Zeus turned into a sexy goose. Could you read all of them again? Zeus fucked a cloud which made centaurs. That's A. B. Zeus turned a lady into an island then raped the island. Nice. C.

He took a fetus from a dead lady, put it in his thigh, and then it was born. And D. He fucked a swan and they had twins. What was A again? He fucked a cloud and it made sense to us. What was C again? Letter after B. Fuck. I know one of those is real. The C, that's

where you would have been thrown if you would have been born in Greek time. This baby keeps crying over weird shit. I'm going A. Ironically, you go to the underworld and actually meet the devil. I mean, this would be a big day for you. I'm going to say B. B. Tom? I know a couple of these. I think it's A. A. Alright. The fake

one is B. Zeus turned a woman into an island and then raped the island. I can't rape an island. Islands don't have a say. You can rape someone at islands, but I mean, I'd probably just enjoy the delicious chicken tenders. Yeah, you can if you're Zeus. All right? Yeah.

If he can fuck a cloud, he can fuck an island. I'm just saying. He's got a point. Yeah, thank you. Round number six. He can fuck an island, and that's how we got the rock. Right there. Oh, man. Bringing how we got the rock. Right there. Oh, man.

Bringing us back from the brink of destruction. That's the kind of laugh I was hoping to get when I said I wanted to leave. You should have been funnier, like him. That would have worked great. By the virtue of the gods. This is the final round. This is your all real or all fake. Tell me if they're all real or all fake.

A. Cronus got mad at his daughter Demeter, made her infertile, and caused a famine that killed millions. Demeter's gone to the harvest. B. Poseidon caused the storm that wrecked a ship on a nearby island so he could fuck a lady in front of her husband out of spite. Poseidon's doing some cuckolding out there on the high seas. C. Zeus gave a lady an abortion with lightning so Hera wouldn't find out he cheated. Or D. Ares pretended to be his dad and fucked his mom. These are all real. I think they're

all real. These are all porn I watch. Well, it's not Ares Spears. He definitely doesn't know his dad. Man. I think they're all true. Alright, those are all fake, gang. What? Yeah, no, those are all fake. Wait, what did I say? Uh, the other one. I think they're all true. All right. Those are all fake, gang. What? Yeah, no, those are all fake. Wait, what did I say? The other one.

I said they were all true? Yeah, yeah, you did. I'm dumb as hell. Yeah, you're dumb as hell, dude. Yeah. That's the podcast, everybody. Does anyone have anything they want to plug? This is good water, though.

Straight from the tap, baby. All right. It's only a little bit gray. You know, that's what makes the pizza better out here, is that we have the better water. Yeah, the fucking... No, I'm not getting into this. We're not getting into a New York pizza conversation. Yeah, you guys have anything to plug?

By the way, thank you for coming on the show. I promise you, this show is usually really good. Dude, I like it. You guys are a lot of fun. I love this, dude. I like just clowning with your boys, you know? Look, we may not have been able to fuck you, but we ate you out until you came.

We cuddled you and we put on some CDs. You guys can hear me later this week on a Goosebumps podcast. On Twitter and Instagram, Zach is not funny. Oh, yeah, me. At Eli Seris on Twitter. And I think that's the same for Instagram. And my Facebook name is my name. Instagram, by the way, is just a photo album that Eli has in on Twitter. And I think that's the same for Instagram. And my Facebook name is my name. Instagram, by the way, is just a photo album that Eli has in his home.

Polaroids. He just taped pictures to his wall. Just pictures of his grandmother's corpse. He's got it just laying there. He's got a bunch of old air filters to use with them. Yeah, I was robbing from the Jiffy Lube for a while. I mean, they try to upsell you on them, but yeah, you can just grab them at the dumpster. And then you got yourself a nice sepia tone image.

Yeah, at Keith Tells Jokes, all the social media. If you're in the L.A. area, the day this comes out, try and come to the fucking comedy store tonight. Forgot about that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, right. The reason we got phone across the country. I got phone. Yeah, you guys, I mean, you guys obviously have some decent comedy clubs in new york but uh this week i'm very honored to be

performing at la's most prestigious uh live event center uh i'm gonna be hosting at flappers burbank all week love you flappers tom oh yeah follow me at goss goss six uh twitter and instagram and i don't have my dates with me right now. Is gossgoss6 another one of your codes? Like they have to figure out? Yeah, gossgoss6. His dick. I'm bad at search engine optimization, and I don't care about my career.

That's accurate, actually. I didn't know what a Twitter handle was when I made one. Yeah, I thought it was like a love handle, but then I kept eating and my Twitter followers didn't grow. Alright, we're gonna sign off. Fuck everything! God is dead! ... ...... Bye.