Mean Boys - EP 66 - The Best Of Mean Boys

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast, I'm Connor McSpadden, I'm Keith Carey, and this is the Best of Mean Boys! Yay! Hell yeah, dude! We decided, you know what, we've done 66 of Mean Boys. Yay. Hell yeah, dude. We decided, you know what? We've done 66 of these now. 66.6. This is the episode of the beast.

Starting point is 00:00:30 Uh-huh. What better time to take a look back on what we've achieved? If you're new to the show, this is going to give you some background on what we do here on this dumb, dumb fucking island of nihilism. Yeah, we've been getting a lot of new people reaching out and checking out the show. We want them to have a good starting point. So this is sort of some of nihilism. Yeah, we've been getting a lot of new people reaching out and checking out the show. We wanted them to have a good starting point. So this is sort of some of the best stuff. If you've been a fan for a while, take a walk down memory lane with us, won't you?

Starting point is 00:00:52 And you might get a little backstory on where some of your favorite sketches and segments came from. There you go. And we're going to begin the best of episode with the way we begin every episode with a Mexican joke off. When we started this podcast, me and Joe just kind of had this idea. He wanted to do monologue jokes. And we didn't really know how that was going to fit into a podcast we're like well maybe we each tell one we go around a circle and like oh like a mexican stand-up for stand-up for jokes and it's like yeah yeah what do we the mexican joke off pretty much everything we've ever named with the show we've gone with the first thing we thought

Starting point is 00:01:20 of yeah there has been no second draft of any mean Boys idea. No, we never even had this podcast. It wasn't going to be called anything except Mean Boys. I was like, what if we call it Mean Boys? And they're like, are we really going with Mean Boys? I was like, shut up. Yeah. What's funny about doing Mexican Joke Ops, when we have people in who have never done the show before, they're always so stressed out during the joke because they don't realize how little we all try.

Starting point is 00:01:40 Oh, yeah. And also how the fact that people failing is a lot of times the funnest part of it. Yeah, we're mean. It's easy to be mean when people are failures. Oh, yeah. And also how the fact that people failing is a lot of times the funnest part of it. Yeah, we're mean. It's easy to be mean when people are failures. Yeah, yeah. And we're also going to have a bomb compilation later on in this episode. We sure will. So enjoy that.

Starting point is 00:01:52 New York County landfill. Indeed. But yeah, you get the point. This is just us. The whole fucking point of this is that monologue jokes don't have to be lame. Jokes don't have to be lame. It doesn't have to be you're wearing a fucking suit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:06 Our pitch for this show is always kind of like, what if Jimmy Fallon talked about ISIS? Exactly, yeah. You don't need someone like Paul Schaefer twinkling the keyboard every time you hit a pun or whatever. Yeah, I think we're fans of obsolete formats in fun ways, like morning radio and late night TV and stuff like that. So I think we just kind of have fun doing our own version of it.

Starting point is 00:02:22 Yeah, they're great. Let's fucking go Monster Garage on it and revamp it for some shut-in edgelords all around the world. So we open every episode like this. We've cut together a collection of some of our favorite Mexican joke-offs here for you to enjoy. Poultry company Purdue Farms announced it will begin slaughtering livestock in gas chambers.

Starting point is 00:02:39 Chicken Schindler remarked, I could have crossed the road more. Chicken Schindler remarked, I could have crossed the road more. Chicken Schindler. Chicken Schindlers are those little sandwiches at KFC, right? Dude, I love the barbecue Chicken Schindlers. A new video released by the Islamic State shows children murdering prisoners in an abandoned carnival. Meanwhile, a graphic designer on Reddit wrote a six-paragraph essay on why Rogue One ruined his childhood.

Starting point is 00:03:08 Original Beastie Boys member John Barry passed away this week at 52. While no cause of death has been provided, medical experts say they saw signs of sabotage! The terminally ill son of a U.S. drill sergeant was made an honorary Marine at Camp Pendleton today. The Twitter of Liberian President Charles Taylor tweeted, Oh, but when I make kid soldiers, it's an atrocity.

Starting point is 00:03:31 Shake my damn head. Check your privilege. A naked man tried to commit suicide by jumping into a lion enclosure. He survived, but the lions were shot dead by zoo authorities. Just another case of Africans being gunned down for acting in self-defense. Pretty good. A life-size version of Noah's Ark opened in Kentucky. Guests are saying this is the greatest boat-themed attraction since last year's slave ship-inspired eatery, the Om Nom Nomistad.

Starting point is 00:04:01 Redemption! A Canadian mother is speaking up after her special needs child was excluded from another child's birthday party. The host of the party responded, Look, we could only afford enough goody bags for 46 chromosomes. Two Pokemon Go players fell off a cliff while pursuing the digital creatures. As they careened towards the ground, one shouted, Devin used fly! It's not very effective!

Starting point is 00:04:28 The controversial Ghostbusters remake was released this week. The film features an all-female cast as well as an updated character based on the Black Lives Matter movement, the Stay Woke Marshmallow Man. President Obama announced he will reveal the amount of civilian deaths

Starting point is 00:04:44 from U.S. drone strikes. The member of the staff who guesses the closest will win the entire jar of jelly beans. A Texas teen has shot a toddler for jumping on the bed. His mama called the doctor and the doctor said the child was pronounced dead in the scene and your son will be tried as an adult. The Supreme Court voted to keep 30 abortion clinics open in Texas. A Texas abortion clinic is better known to the rest of the world as a mechanical bull. A study finds Facebook posts containing false information are more likely to receive likes and shares. This explains the popularity of Conor McSpadden's recent post,

Starting point is 00:05:33 I am not a cum-filled balloon animal. England has voted to leave the EU this week. Britons around the world have expressed hope that their country will just put out one bad solo album and then reunite at Coachella for the paycheck. Bruce Springsteen has publicly questioned Donald Trump's competency

Starting point is 00:05:50 as president. In an interview, the musician said, Donald wasn't fit to run. Oh no. Anyway. Syrian rebels

Starting point is 00:06:02 beheaded a 10-year-old child in what they called, an individual mistake. The rebels went on to say, the real crime would be if we beat ourselves up over this. Oh, my God. We all make mistakes. I just like that the Syrians are still better at self-love than you, Joe. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:06:21 A six-year-old boy was killed when a refrigerator fell on him. His parents are devastated at the loss of their child and they have no place to display his artwork anymore. In Oklahoma, a mother and her three sons were killed when their car was hit by a train. The train was overheard saying, quote, I think I can, I think I can,

Starting point is 00:06:38 I think I can. Oh, God, I did! In honor of Halloween, IHOP unveiled their new item, Scary Pancakes. Restaurant customers have lauded Keith Carey as the man who conquered fear. Gangs are suspected in a fatal Fort Worth shooting at a dance studio. Graffiti left at the scene read, Once you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first silhouette to your cold judgment day. Oh, yes.

Starting point is 00:07:13 CBS's new Star Trek series will feature a female starship captain. The pilot will revolve around her facing her greatest challenge ever, parallel parking the Enterprise. Oh, my God, Jay Leno! If you could send that joke through a time machine for whenever Voyager came out, you would be $100 richer. Yeah, yeah. I don't feel great about it, but it was fun.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Oh, I like it. Dude, my two favorite things. Misogyny, Star Trek. You got it. A Wendy's employee was fired after writing a customer's name as Big Head Ugly Dude on the receipt. In other news, the Mean Boys suffering concussions from running to grab the order at the same time.

Starting point is 00:07:50 Take that, all our fans. Get away from my Wendy's chowder head. I love that. I love that in the silent movie opening title card. The Mean Boys in the Chili Conundrum. The police officer who sadawized a man with a screwdriver during a routine traffic stop is still on the job.

Starting point is 00:08:08 He said in his defense, I was just trying to take his batteries out so he could power down and cooperate. German authorities have created a virtual reality simulation of Auschwitz to aid with the prosecution of Nazi war criminals. In related news, they have discovered the final solution is actually up, up, down, down, left, right, B,

Starting point is 00:08:26 A, select, start. A restaurant in France has just opened in which all the chefs and staff suffer from Down Syndrome. Upon arriving, the diners will be seated by the matriarch. Customer's report. The waiter pointed to the table's floral decorations and said, Are you going to eat that?

Starting point is 00:08:54 For the grand opening, the chef has prepared his signature dish, foie gras and Lego pieces. I actually have three jokes for the same topic. I'm going to wipe anything around these. Knock them out. Sandy Hook Elementary reopened this week. The remodeled campus

Starting point is 00:09:21 features a new gym, a state-of-the-art computer lab, and g-g-g-g-g-g-ghosts. Okay. Of the dead. Tough to top. Sandy Hook Elementary reopened this week with an all-new campus and a new mascot, the Fightin' Toddler Corpses. All right, last one's the best one.

Starting point is 00:09:37 Sandy Hook Elementary reopened this week. Parents are thrilled, saying it's good to have a school that definitely has smaller classes now. The third one is the best, but the hardest for my soul to swallow. Oh my god. A child survived nine hours of being locked in a daycare van. He was finally found after a passerby heard him yelling, am I dead yet?

Starting point is 00:10:04 Heavens. ISIS staged its first Jihad Olympics, which will be followed by the special Jihad Olympics, which will include such events as decapitate the plastic soldiers before you eat them. Oh, no. The little kid playing with his army men, like, reading a message to camera. Macaroni art to Allah! This is something you don't think about.

Starting point is 00:10:33 There has to be special needs kids in the Islamic State. Just mittens pinned to a C4 vest. My hands get cold on the way. It's forbidden to depict the Prophet Muhammad. Good thing we ate all the crayons. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. You drew a school bus full of fertilizer.

Starting point is 00:11:08 Oh, dear. Oh no. I thought they said we get ICs. Pokemon Go, an augmented reality game that allows users to capture Pokemon via their phone in the outside world was released this week. Reviews are calling the game quote, the autism equivalent of wrapping a dog's medicine in a piece of cheese.

Starting point is 00:11:27 In a related story, Pokemon Go players were targeted by muggers this weekend. They were using a Machamp, making it a four-armed robbery. Well, I better make it a threefer. A human rights group has developed an app called Traffic Cam, designed to fight back against sex trafficking. Engineers describe the app as like Pokemon Go, but with less pedophiles. Oh, shit. We Pokemon went, you guys.

Starting point is 00:11:54 An obese man accused of rape has defended his innocence, saying that his stomach is too large and his penis too small to have sex with the woman who accused him. His lawyer said to the jury, if you can't reach the clit, you must acquit. That was a real story. That was a real legal defense. A woman has put up 10,000 rainbow-colored Christmas lights in response to her homophobic neighbor, ironically using the correct voltage to make her son straight again.

Starting point is 00:12:23 Oh my god Dr. Mortaro Child mortician Was the first sketch we ever did On this show It was yeah and it's remained kind of a divisive Sketch some people love him Some people hate him

Starting point is 00:12:37 Some people are just too unsettled to really have a comedy based opinion on him Dr. Mortaro is a creation of the dearly departed Joe Dosh who we started the podcast with And appeared on the first I. Mortaro is a creation of the dearly departed Joe Dosh, who we started the podcast with, and appeared on the first, I think, five episodes in a row. He was on a... He was just oversaturated. That was before we realized, like, we gotta get some other characters in here. Yeah, he was like Kevin Hartworth.

Starting point is 00:12:56 Like, okay, Dr. Mortaro, you can't be in everything. Yeah, he was like the rock of Mean Boys 1 through 5. Every billboard was just, Dr. Mortaro again. This time he's at the beach. I remember the first time I heard the Dr. Mortaro voice, though, I shit my pants. Oh, I love him. I don't give a fuck if you don't like him. He's one of my

Starting point is 00:13:12 all-time favorites. Yeah, he's ghoulish. So please enjoy Dr. Mortaro, Child Mortician. Appearance number one. Hello, folks. I'm Edgar Mortaro, and I'm pleased to announce the 50% off Black Friday sale at Mortaro's Baby Coffins. That's right. Come to Mortaro's for half price on any infant sarcophagus. A deal so good, you'll wish two of your pregnancies were mortally catastrophic. Yes, and with Christmas right around the corner, Mortaro's baby coffins make the perfect gift for any woman with child should it not come to term.

Starting point is 00:13:54 Hundreds of Yelp reviewers have described our products as most disturbing. But Edgar, you say, won't your coffins tip over and spill my child's carcass like the other infant mortuary services? Nonsense! Because each infant sarcophagus is equipped with topple guard, ensuring that your fetal remains stay undischarged. So come on down to Mortaro's, and remember, baby coffins are a recession-proof industry because babies always die. Carnock the Bloodfeaster is quite possibly my favorite thing I've ever written. Yeah, Keith, tell them when you wrote the first Carnock. Because this is kind of a fun, like, pursuit of happiness story that you told me.

Starting point is 00:14:38 You wrote it on the bus. Oh, yeah, that's right. I wrote the first Carnock. You were coming over, you didn't have a sketch, and we had to record. Yeah, well, yeah, and the thing I've noticed with this show, and it's going to appear a couple more times on this list, is generally if I have a really good feeling about something and I spend a lot of time polishing it and whittling it,

Starting point is 00:14:54 nobody will ever like it or remember it. But if I'm panicking on the Metro, just like I don't want to disappoint those two fucking surly gay lords. And this is early in the podcast where i really wanted to like seem cool because like me and you were already buddies but like i didn't know joe very well and i was just like yeah i didn't want to be the one who screwed up the podcast yeah we're still and nothing more embarrassing than starting a podcast by the way oh totally so i panicked and i was just like okay what can i write really easily and the answer was just like weird macabre

Starting point is 00:15:20 guar imagery and then i just put the flimsiest uh political uh spin on it and that became karnak the bloodfeaster uh running for president which i'm not gonna lie seemed like a really funny bit until donald trump became the president oh yeah well then we had the whole way do it he's appeared many times in many different contexts sometimes he has a cameo yeah there's a long uh go back through and find all the karnak appearances if you want. There's actually... We haven't them all collected, but there's a whole arc and a canon and supporting characters. And there'll be more Karnak coming soon. But it's my favorite. So here is the first appearance, Secret Origins of Karnak the Bloodfeaster.

Starting point is 00:16:00 Lowly worms! Bow your heads and fill your loincloths with urine and the voice of Karnak the blood god, devourer of the innocent, the wolf of all nations I sit atop a throne of infant skulls, the corners of my empire cower at my name and only one land dares to defy

Starting point is 00:16:18 my rule, the land you call America yes, I have visited the blind prophets in the sulfur caves. I have breathed deep in the cauldron of knowledge, and in its haze I have seen your world. Your amber waves of grain, your metropolises, your Johnny Rockets. You are a joke, you are scum,

Starting point is 00:16:36 you are a fly on a smear of shit compared to the dark glory of Karnak, and you dare call yourselves America the Great. Karnak will show you greatness. That is why I, Karnak the show you greatness. That is why I, Karnak the Blood God, am announcing that I am running for president in 2016 as a member of the Republican Party. Elect me your God-King and you will be

Starting point is 00:16:53 cleansed of your putrid freedoms, baptized in the hellfire of my hatred. But Karnak, you may be asking, where do you stand on the issues? To that I say, you dare question Karnak, I will make a soup from your eyeballs. Your economy is in shambles. Karnak will restore balance with trickle-down economics.

Starting point is 00:17:11 It is simple. You deliver your golden spices unto me, or I remove your throat with my hands, and your coward's blood will trickle down and poison the soil. You fear the ape King Obama will take your guns. Karnak cares not. Keep your puny firearms. They pose no threat to Carnock's armor. Carnock will eat your

Starting point is 00:17:29 ammunition and he will shit a war. Carnock will ban gay marriage. Carnock will ban straight marriage. All citizens with usable holes are now brides of Carnock. Your other candidates are puny. The one you call Trump, he claims to be the chosen one

Starting point is 00:17:45 Bring this orange man onto Karnak With a single swipe of my axe, I will remove his limbs Bleeding and weeping, the Trump stump will beg for death But he will not receive it He will be sent to Flesh Rot Island And forced to gratify the lepers who live there Do you hear me, Trump? You will be raped to death by the living dead

Starting point is 00:18:03 Your belly will fill to burst with the coagulated seed of the dead. So saith Carnock. Anyway, when you step into the voting booth, you have a lot of choices to make. But remember, they are irrelevant. Carnock is eternal, and he will be your next overlord. A thousand years of darkness and four years of conservative values. Paid for by the pundit treasures of a fallen kingdom and Ann Coulter. Hey, mean boys.

Starting point is 00:18:32 It's Kyle Clark from the This Is Rad podcast. Congratulations on whatever meaningless milestone you're celebrating for this episode. I'm proud of you guys for sticking with this half-baked idea for as long as you have. And it's amazing. You guys have become the comedy house band for the new white power movement. That's got to feel good. And just think,

Starting point is 00:18:48 in however many episodes you guys have done, you've only had to take two extended hiatuses because podcasting is hard, especially with however many jobs you guys have. But for real, I love you guys. I look forward to your show every week, and you are the best. Fuck everything.

Starting point is 00:19:01 God is dead. Bye. All right, and the Mean Boys podcast is back. This is probably my favorite segment that I ever came up arguably my least piece least yeah so that tells you a little something about our relationship this is the first this isn't an idea i had kicking around forever for like a desk piece you know or whatever for a fucking like our version of jay leno's headlines or whatever yeah and it's just you know i just jotted i would just think of these things throughout the day like, oh, yeah, fucking best pro shop more like KKK Mart.

Starting point is 00:19:27 And then, you know, it's fun. It's just you just rename shit. Yeah, it's a segment that's beautifully formulated to your brain and exists only to confound and irritate me. Indeed, yes.

Starting point is 00:19:38 Like every time we have to do it, I kind of hate you a little bit. And the intro is when we first figured out that there were effects on the mixer that we have since forgotten how to use. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, so it's probably with all of the dead kids and molestation

Starting point is 00:19:51 humor we've done is probably the most unsettling thing in the entire show. Indeed. Yeah, the elf voices are real bad. Yeah, so enjoy New Names, everybody. Alright, it's time for a new segment here on Mean Boys. Oh, boy. This is something called New Names.

Starting point is 00:20:07 You know, what we're going to do is we're just going to take things and we're going to give them a new name that we think is more appropriate. I'll start us off. I think that Planned Parenthood would be a lot better if it was just called the Pussy DMV. You guys down with that? I mean, if Planned Pparent had had a new name? I think it would go

Starting point is 00:20:25 a little something like this. Whoa. Hey, fucking, you're the one who wanted to start a scripted comedy podcast, okay? I sure did. Sorry it doesn't seem so natural

Starting point is 00:20:33 when we're reading the fucking jokes we wrote in our laptops. That's how you know we're having a good episode when we start blaming each other for the inception of the podcast. Yes.

Starting point is 00:20:42 Hey, here's your fucking deal. I'm just showing off. You knew what I was like when you married me. I was just riding my skateboard fucking people and being the coolest dude and then you were like,

Starting point is 00:20:49 come read things in my face. If you can't handle me at my you know what this reminds me of, then you don't deserve me at your account. I think coffee should be renamed to Bowel Avalanche Traffic More Stressful Juice.

Starting point is 00:21:03 That's a lot of words. You know, I think it's a pretty good name for him but uh instead of keith carey i think we should start calling him argus crumble bottom my first new name of the week uh the zika virus from now on will be known as Breeder AIDS. Oh, damn it. I have a Zika virus, too. Well, the Zika virus shrinks your baby's head, so I've decided to call it Reverse Joe Dosh Syndrome. You got a big head.

Starting point is 00:21:37 I need a little Zika. I need to take a little bit with my vitamin D. Yeah, you need to get Zika like how girls get a tapeworm to diet. Yeah, I went on a Zika cleanse and I'm feeling like really petite in the face. I'm going to shot a Zika in my jamba juice. I think rapists should now be known as clam burglars. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Alright, everyone. From now on, Monster Energy Drink will be known as Kidney Stone Gasoline. I would like to rename IKEA the Think You're Too Good for Walmart but Aren't store. By the way, one of my favorite things about shopping at IKEA is watching the mostly Hispanic staff try to pronounce the Swedish-named furniture. Like, whoa, give me the Kajarganberg. We got the floor gober. Hey, man, go get a sch spoople from the back, dog.

Starting point is 00:22:27 A spoople? I think the break is also like, yeah, man, I got to take my flinging dog, bro. Dude, I'm overdue, man. I mean, it's like the law in California, dude. Every time they kill somebody, they get an umlaut tattooed under their eye. You got to restock that floor, bloodhomes. Oh, man,ock that flugblad, Holmes. Oh, man, dude, it's fucked up, dude. I thought I made over

Starting point is 00:22:49 12k, so I was eligible for flingendorg, but I don't. I'm gonna die, dude. I'm gonna die. Oh, my God. Give me a meatball. Speaking of meatballs, Keith. Good segue.

Starting point is 00:23:06 I think St. Patrick's Day should be renamed White Power Christmas. New name for all the molestations that took place in Catholic churches over the Easter break. Cadbury Cream Pies. Well, I don't feel good about myself. How do you think they feel? I have decided that Civil War reenactments will be renamed White Supremacy Cosplay. All right, guys. New name for congratulating Keith Carey.

Starting point is 00:23:37 Mozzarella Toff. Thongs for lesbians will now be known as ukulele strings. New name for Joe Dosh in drag, Mrs. Croutfire. That's awesome. I can see you just actually using that. I'm going to go ahead and tag on that. New name for Joe Dosh when he gets a little racist, the Grand Jizzard. Ooh, wow.

Starting point is 00:24:03 New name for adult skateboarders puberty cosplayers butt plugs will now be known as father's love duct tape new name for the bass pro shop KKK Mart Keith Carey's forever nap now available on iTunes

Starting point is 00:24:21 will now be called that thing Connor McSpadden's Friend Did. Whoa. Whoa. Exceptional. Fucking. I get one around, guys.

Starting point is 00:24:36 Fuck. Flawless victory. Hey, let's high five closer to the mic. I think we can call skirts rape curtains. I want to start calling astrology white girl magic. I've actually been plugging this pretty hard. I think that Tom Goss will now be called Hills Have Eyes

Starting point is 00:24:57 SpongeBob. Shaved pubes will now be known as pedophilia cosplay. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. That's too dark for this show. Oh, no. I've decided that Invader Zim messenger bags will be called the Star of David in Nazi Germany,

Starting point is 00:25:14 but for people without personalities. Long road to get there, but I like where we went. Conor McSpadden and Joe Dosh will now be known as Tweedledee and Tweedlecom. Hey, maybe I only wrote four of them and then realized that 30 seconds ago. It wasn't bad for that. Conor's Tweedlecom. I should clarify. I thought I wanted to get out.

Starting point is 00:25:37 Conor took a breath to exhale condescendingly more. Fat girl's tattoos will now be called tramp food stamps. Alright, I've decided that cunnilingus will now be called orgasm data entry. Okay, from now on, old-timey gay farm sex will be known as a romp in the hay. Oh my Christ. You know, that's the most accessible piece of comedy

Starting point is 00:26:05 I've ever seen. I listened to that and I was like, oh my God, that's Joe trying to sell out. Oh, I really enjoyed that. New name, Australian women will now be known as Gash Bandicoot. Keith. That offends me as a feminist and

Starting point is 00:26:23 a enjoyer of the PlayStation 1. It offends me as a man and a enjoyer of the PlayStation 1. It offends me as a man with ears. Cash Bamdeku. Oh dear. I've decided that barbecuing will now be known as Dad Eucharist. What does Eucharist mean? That's a Catholic thing. That's when you transform the

Starting point is 00:26:40 fucking bread into the holy body of Christ. I look like a dice player who's about to explain catechism to me. Yeah, I know, but I was raised correctly as an atheist. Thanks, Mom. Damnable. We're raised in Catholic. How do you get your guilt? I know where mine comes from.

Starting point is 00:26:56 Who do you have to be guilty to? Yeah, Jesus. I don't know. My standards of myself? You see, I like to think that we're all our own gods. Well, it's nice if you don't have a fucking monster in your Oh, well, geez. You see, I like to think that we're all our own gods, fellas. Well, it's nice if you don't have a fucking monster in your own head that's telling you you're not good enough. It can still happen on your own. That's great.

Starting point is 00:27:10 Here's the thing, monsters. Listen to that, fans. Yeah, here's the thing, fellas. Monsters are always there. You guys just give it a name and shit, all right? That's just... Jesus. I just call that homie Inside Connor, all right?

Starting point is 00:27:22 And he's not pleased with my progress. Welcome to the new segment, reasons to give up hope new reason everything you believe is a lie all right let's let's move on to something more jovial sperm banks will now be called smells fargo all right uh driving for uber is now called millennial sharecropping Well, sperm banks will now be called Smells Fargo. Yeah! All right. Driving for Uber is now called Millennial Sharecropping. Oh, I never drove Uber.

Starting point is 00:28:01 Like my mother did, or my brother did, or my sister did, and my landlord does, too. Swinging for postmates. Suck a dick and never sponsor us. Damn. Alright. Well, yeah. We're going to have to suck up to Naturebox. Keith. How you living, Casper Mattress? A new name for vegan vagina

Starting point is 00:28:18 is Naturebox. Alright, anyway. You look like you were born out of a Naturebox you nymph. Hey, my mom's a yoga teacher and I'd thank you to leave that out of this. Let's take it away. New name for No Shave November, 4chan Ramadan. Dog fighting will now be called

Starting point is 00:28:35 Pokemon ARF. Oh, no! The rest of mine all follow a theme. The song Frost of the Snowman will now be called Ode to Our Dead Ice God. The most mean boy shit I've ever heard in my fucking life. A new name for the mannequin challenge, the white privilege Harlem shake.

Starting point is 00:28:59 Oh, man. There's nothing more white than just like, we're doing nothing. Isn't that great? All right, new name for the kid who wore his backpack on the front in high school. The only guy that buys the new Bionicles. Jesus. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:29:12 That's such a weird double-edged sword. It's like calling him a fucking dork, but you're a fucking dork for knowing that would hurt a fucking dork. Well, I mean, anything beyond the first two Bionicle generations is just ridiculous. They left Mata Nui. Oh, God. I refuse to know what you idiots are talking about. Kyle, you just flooded back so many lonely nights. New name, the menstrual cycle will be called the Pooner Eclipse.

Starting point is 00:29:41 Close it out. Oh, we did another one? Oh, jeez. Oh, we did another one? Oh, jeez. I don't know if I have... God. This will be good. I just had... I didn't have another good one, but I had...

Starting point is 00:29:51 You didn't have one good one. Sorry. I had new name truckers Uber for boxes. You fucking idiot. Mean, mean Alright, look, I know everyone's tired of all the iconic characters that I've created for the podcast Including Taco Monster and a few other people that aren't Taco Monster and Shitty Connor

Starting point is 00:30:16 Yeah, and me just doing a British accent and finding an excuse for it No, Mark Malloy has been another one of my most enduring characters Again, from the mind of Mr. Keith Carey Yeah, Mark Malloy has been another one of my most enduring characters, again, from the mind of Mr. Keith Carey. Yeah, Mark Malloy kind of grew out of it. Again, it was one of those, like, seventh inning, like, just, fuck, I got nothing. I gotta throw something together.

Starting point is 00:30:35 Keith understands Satans and bros. Yeah, I mean, truly, it's... Satans? I've never heard someone pluralize Satans before, anyway. But yeah, no, I'm a big fan of bros just as a concept. I think they're very amusing. And I just wanted to throw one into a very nerdy capacity and just have them try and understand dork shit. And also, I can only do two voices.

Starting point is 00:30:55 And they are Karnak and Mark Malloy. As you may have heard on every other sketch, I have no range. Connor has his one British voice, and he can kind of do a girl voice. And then I have those two. And then Tom sounds like Tom. Yeah, that's what we're working with. Voice acting. Podcast relies heavily upon vocal variation for continuity, et cetera.

Starting point is 00:31:11 Great idea. Yeah. As much as I love Karnak, Mark Molloy is probably the character we've done that's taken on the most life and sort of become the most fully fleshed character. Well, I love Mark Molloy because he's good-hearted. He's just a piece of shit, but he's not a bad person. Yeah, and that's something that only Keith Carey can understand. Mark Malloy is the closest thing I've ever seen in fiction to me. All he wants to do is just finger-bang and do Viking.

Starting point is 00:31:35 Look, Mark Malloy is Keith Carey circa 2012. Yeah, he loves gay people. He loves just having a good time. He always shows up to kind of do the right thing. He's talking people out of suicide. He's fighting Pokemon. He's opportunistic out of suicide. He's fighting Pokemon. He's opportunistic, but he's not cruel at heart. Yeah, he takes his retarded cousin to Disney World.

Starting point is 00:31:50 And yeah, part of that is to try and rip off a princess. But he's got good intent. But we've done a lot of Mark Malloy. We'll do a lot more. We also invested a lot of money in a Mark Malloy costume. So expect some live appearances. Yeah, he's going to be... We may capture some video footage of him soon. This is the first appearance of Mark Malloy costume, so expect some live appearances. Yeah, yeah. He's going to be... We may capture some video footage of him soon.

Starting point is 00:32:06 This is the first appearance of Mark Malloy in his new business venture. Enjoy Mark Malloy's anime emporium. Hey, Mark Malloy here. Anybody in South Boston knows if you need anything, I'm the man to see. From a good deal of furniture to gently used cars to a few kinds of parliaments

Starting point is 00:32:21 maybe fell off the back of the truck, Mark Malloy's your guy. Recently, I've been looking to diversify my cash flow. I was talking to my nephew, Little Pete. You know Little Pete. He's that kid with the glasses, works down at the park raking leaves. His head's shaped all wackadoo because his mom smoked while she was pregnant. He's fucked up, bro. Anyway, he's into all that internet nerd shit.

Starting point is 00:32:39 And at first, I'm like, Jesus, Pete, get your shit together. Learn to catch a football or something. But then I looked up the numbers and realized there's wicked money in this shit. So that's why I'm proud to announce the grand opening of Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium. Are you a grown-ass man who loves Japanese cartoons? You one of those toothpick-counting autistics? Maybe you got a lot of fedoras. Ain't never fingered a bride.

Starting point is 00:32:59 Now this store is for you. We got all the hottest anime titles. Attack on Titan. That's some bullshit with giants or something. I don't know. Or maybe you like Dragon Ball Z. The last time I was Dragon Balls, it was on the face of that boss gang of Metacolines. I don't know what the fuck an Inuyasha is, but you got 20 bucks.

Starting point is 00:33:15 You can take it home and put it in your dumb butt or whatever. We got Tamagotchis, Miyazakis, Mitsubishis, swords like a motherfucker. You want to bust it out of the pillow with a picture of some slut with cat ears on it? We got you covered. Plus, if you're some kind of gross pervert, we got a bunch of DVDs about little jab schoolgirls getting fucked airtight by a spooky octopus. I'm serious, kid, it's friggin' bonkers. So come on down to Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium,

Starting point is 00:33:38 bringing the finest and creepy homo nonsense to South Boston, conveniently located off Blue Hill in Dorchester, next to where the crack house used to be. So this is Bitch Fest 2016, which grew out of my love of just trash metal and the promo videos that come with it. Oh, yeah. Well, just again, archaic mediums just being revamped. Yeah, it's just the dumb shit we love.

Starting point is 00:34:04 The radio ads from When You Were a Kid are fucking amazing. Yeah yeah and just kind of like with mark mullet i was like okay bros and feminism that's i want to collide them but not have them yell at each other i think it's anytime you can take two enemies and find a way for them to have a mutual ground like that's the funniest thing to me oh yeah because there's always a weird venn diagram that you wouldn't expect to see and also a fun thing about the sketch this is before we realized that uh doing takes without laughing at your own lines wasn't a great idea. Yeah, well, we thought it might be kind of fun to leave the laughter in on the sketches

Starting point is 00:34:31 and keep them like... And then we realized, oh, we didn't like Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, exactly. Which, this is my one regret, is that we didn't do a clean take of this, because I think this is very, very fun, but I laugh all over it. Yeah, yeah. Because nobody amuses me more than me oh no truly i am i am hands down the world's biggest keith carey fan yeah he's he's keith is just unapologetically

Starting point is 00:34:52 sexual and uh proud of himself and he's just he just i worked i worked real long in real hearts now i'm just gonna fucking be stoked like you know i've seen some shit that's if i want to be stoked about my boner i'll get it in the mirror for a while that's on me that's the keith carey live long and prosper fucking be stoked yeah as they shoot me out of the fucking car goal his fingers weren't too fat to make that v insert your own finger banging joke there yeah and uh you know we've the many more appearances from twisted nerve promotions uh always one of my favorites. Twisted Nerve is pretty fun. Go check out Dave's House 2016.

Starting point is 00:35:27 There's a Halloween one. But here's where it all began with Bitchfest 2016. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. The insane clown posse and Planned Parenthood are teaming up to bring you the entertainment event of a lifetime. Due to a booking error at the Pomona Fairplex, these unlikely allies are bringing the first combination Fetaminism Convention and Violet Music

Starting point is 00:35:50 Festival. Get your tickets now for Bitch Fest 2016. That's right, the Dark Carnival is coming, and they're putting a hatchet in the back of the patriarchy with performances by Twisted Ovaries, Sympathetic Pregnancy, Clitoral Stimulation, Maxi in the pads, speculum, mound garden, cunt full of knives, knives full of cunts, no consent, wiener guillotine, and insane clown pussy.

Starting point is 00:36:20 But that's not all. See Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg give a keynote speech. Then watch her swim naked through a vat of Faygo. If she doesn't drown, everyone gets a free corndog. We got genderqueer jello wrestling. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Who cares? It's got tits, and the tits are sticky. We got the world's largest indoor craft boutique. You wanted yarn you got the yarn yarn out the ass

Starting point is 00:36:50 We got truckers or that he's gonna be using his jaws to twist 12 tons of scrap metal into a tribute to the works of Georgia O'Keeffe Lesbian motocross legend she will Knievel is gonna jump 12 school buses and the wage gap It's gonna benarly to 70% of the max. 50% of all ticket sales go towards keeping Planned Parenthood clinics nationwide open so they can continue to provide

Starting point is 00:37:13 affordable health care for slots. Bitch Fest 2016! Me and Joe were in the back of a show and it started off like a Is that like a weird dirty limerick? Yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, we fucked.

Starting point is 00:37:28 We just don't like to talk about it. No, we started doing these country lawyer voices, you know, while we were actually supposed to, about to go read a piece of King of the Hill fan fiction where he's playing Hank Hill and just fucking bomb real bad. And we started doing it and we're like, oh, we gotta do something with those,

Starting point is 00:37:44 like, wah, wah. The way started doing it. And we're like, oh, we got to do some of those. Like, wah, wah, wah. And the way he described it, I remember, is just like always like creaking as you lift your fat ass off a chair, you know? And so we had that germ of an idea. And then Joe came in with this script. And it was just so fucking funny. And this is just short and stupid. And it's one of my favorite things we've ever done.

Starting point is 00:38:02 So enjoy Simple Country Lawyers. All rise for the Honorable Judge Whitmer. Hear ye, hear ye. This district court is now in session. You may begin with your opening statement. Well, Your Honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer, born and raised right here in Mississippi. I don't carry no pretense to nothing,

Starting point is 00:38:20 but y'all don't need the good sense God gave a hog to see that this here case don't make a lick of sense. Thank you. Would the defendant please rise and give his opening statement? Well, your honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer, born and raised right there in Savannah. Now y'all might be thinking, well, heck, didn't we just hear from a simple country lawyer? Well, yes, yes, you did. As this is in fact a case between two simple country lawyers regarding matters pertaining to their respective professions as simple country lawyers now y'all don't need the good sense guy gave a turkey in november to know that if you pluck the eyes out

Starting point is 00:38:54 of pig he gonna find the snob trial one way or another uh thank you sir the representation for the plaintiff may proceed well y, you know, I'm just a simple country lawyer. A simple country lawyer who was hired by a simple country lawyer who, despite his profession as a simple country lawyer, elected not to represent himself in the case set before us today

Starting point is 00:39:18 and instead hire the services of a simple country lawyer. Now, I don't know nothing about no nothing, but I think it's plain to see that if a frog decides to stop a hop and the Lord is going to find a goose or two to fill in. Yes, the defense, your response. Well, y'all, I'm just a simple country lawyer. And while I am the fourth simple country lawyer mentioned thus far, I am in fact representing

Starting point is 00:39:43 the defendant simple country lawyer who was the second simple country lawyer mentioned thus far, I am in fact representing the defendant simple country lawyer who was the second simple country lawyer who was introduced in the proceedings overall. Now, I may not be in no one's all the goings and the doings and the happenings, but your honor, you put a chicken in a wedding dress, you're going to have to fire that caterer. The plaintiff may now call its first witness.

Starting point is 00:40:11 Well, y'all, I'm just a complex country lawyer. Grew up in Portugal. Moved to Alabama when I was one. Speak fluent Mandarin Chinese. My parents are a lesbian couple. A lot of fasts to me. A lot of fasts to me. Now, I don't nothing knowing about futs and about known. But y'all take a hip cat down on a rebo,

Starting point is 00:40:25 you're going to hunk about all the way to the moaning. Well, y'all, we are five simple country lawyers speaking collectively. We may not be no fancy big city attorney, but it don't take a hyperbolic folksy metaphor to know that Negro is guilty. Hey, you dinks. It's Slayton. And it's Chesky from the podcast. Come on!

Starting point is 00:40:54 I know that you guys think that you are the most homoerotic podcast in Los Angeles, but that's not true. Oh, dude, we're way again, dude. Just to make this phone call, I made Slayton take my penis out of his mouth so we could talk. Yeah, it's kind of difficult. Like, I have a sinus infection, so I couldn't really breathe through my nose. But the things that I'll do for podcasting that you guys won't do... Shut up and get back to sucking. That's a good point.

Starting point is 00:41:15 So I guess you've done like a year or whatever of this. I don't know why. I guess people sort of like you. Slayton, is that a roast joke or are you just trying to hurt their fucking feelings? You guys, we love you. Great work and fuck you guys. They don't have feelings. Peace, bitches.

Starting point is 00:41:30 Okay, the Mean Boys are back and I don't even know how to set up a segment that's just the best of a human being, but this is the best of Tom Goss. Tom is a friend of ours from the Orange County comedy scene who is now one of our roommates. Nobody's brain has ever worked like Tom's.

Starting point is 00:41:48 Yeah, the way I describe Tom's brain is when Kurt Cobain was recording In Utero, while he was on shore, he had this amplifier that was broken, and he hit it so that the guitar techs wouldn't fix it because it was broken in the perfect way, and he liked the way it sounded. And I'm like, I don't want Tom to get any more concussions or take any more medicine. I want him to stay exact. He's perfectly broken. I'm going to stay exact. He's perfectly broken. I'm going to be honest.

Starting point is 00:42:06 That's a beautiful metaphor. But if you just said Tom's brain is a lot like Kurt Cobain's brain, that would also be accurate. Yeah. So the first time Tom was around is when I went to Ireland and we needed a guest host. And, you know, I recommended Tom Glass. He was the first guest we had on the show besides Jamar Neighbors or Ramsey, if you even want to count him as a guest or as a human being. Who would? He just knocked it out of the park.

Starting point is 00:42:27 I remember listening to this in my hotel in Ireland and just fucking dying. I was like, this is the best person for this show we've ever had. Me and Joe are sitting here blown away by how good Tom was. So we do the Tom Lightning round where we have him just explain what things are uh amidst you know just fucking wild stuttering yeah we have tom topperty which is a weird reverse engineered uh trivial pursuit game based on his mad ramblings and the did you hear that what oh i think my headphones just cut out okay i'll fix that in post okay okay yeah and then uh we the first time we ever had him on we did the dow of tom where we all made some tom goss memes or just here's the thing we're making

Starting point is 00:43:09 memes out of everything that tom said and uh we realized that we didn't have enough hours in the day to just transcribe everything because everything he says is the craziest thing you've ever heard he is uh and he's also just a brilliant comedian and just a good dude and it's been fun to watch him go from like casual guests to unspoken third mean boy yeah yeah well i mean he's yeah he's whenever he's serious he's here with the soundboard you know just fucking yeah that's been a recent evolution and we're derailing everything yeah we love having him on though and he's uh he's become a big fan favorite so uh everybody enjoy the best of tom goss uh and we're gonna get to know our guest uh tom goss a little bit he's a swell guy everyone and a very funny comic he sure is and uh we're going to get to know our guest, Tom Goss, a little bit. He's a swell guy, everyone, and a very funny comic.

Starting point is 00:43:46 He sure is. And we're going to learn a little bit about him in a segment I call The Tao of Tom. Hopefully, Connor will put in some sort of whimsical racist jingle here, but he probably won't. Tao's that Chinese Bible, right? I love this segment already. Everything you say is like you're not wrong but you're also so wrong yeah like it's like chink church right yeah it's like jesus for gooks uh okay the towel of tom uh we're gonna talk about tom goss memes uh what is the instagram handle for this i think it's just tom goss memes so so tom is a comedian, a very funny comedian. He also is maybe the most insane person I've ever said.

Starting point is 00:44:27 I've met more insane. And he says things. That's disturbing. He says things that have been preserved in meme form. These are all 100% real, in no way embellished. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to read some of these out of context. A, just to get Joe's reaction. And B, to see if Tom can explain himself.

Starting point is 00:44:42 Because he was very drunk when most of these were written down. Outstanding. Or high. High is even worse. So again, these are all real Tom Goss quotes that he says are from his real life. Here's the first one. Me and my grandpa fought over who was the cookie monster.

Starting point is 00:44:54 He's dead now. Is he dead as a result of this? No, they just happened. They just came out of the same sentence. Oh, I see. We fought over it. And then, you know, years later the same sentence. Oh, I see. We fought over it, and then years later, he died. Oh. Okay, well, that's a more coherent explanation than we did before.

Starting point is 00:45:12 This wasn't like your last conversation with him, was it? No, I mean, we always argued about it. Did this occur on his deathbed? No, it was happening. No, no, no, because when he was dying, we still talked about it. I'm still like, you know, you're still lost, but it was it was happening no no because when he was dying we still talked about like i'm still like you know you still lost but it was never like a to you and to death i wasn't total victory i wasn't gonna rub it in i mean he was you know he had pancreatic cancer so he is for cancer that's good enough for me i believe if you die and lose an argument that

Starting point is 00:45:43 qualifies as a flawless victory, to use Nintendo terms. Quote, I threw a table at the sailing captain. He asked me to leave. The boat? We weren't on a boat. We were in.

Starting point is 00:46:02 Well, then he doesn't have any authority, then. How can he pass you around? You're not the captain of this YMCA, fuckmates. Your jurisdiction does not extend to this Chili's. I'm the captain now. Okay, so I went to a boarding school in Illinois. And they had like two people who sailed competitively, and one of them was the captain.

Starting point is 00:46:29 He was a senior, and we were in the common room. He said a mom joke. I took this seriously back then, so I threw a table at him, and they kicked me out of school. Like a whole table, like fucking Dr. Octopus? It was like... I was very strong in high school. You have the same body type.

Starting point is 00:46:47 Just squat. I used to work out. That used to be my thing, because I just fucking work out and play ice hockey and football. I just loved exercising. You do look very strong. You look like Farmer Strong. You have strength that's practical. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:47:02 No, thank you. If I have a bunch of hay bales I need to move i know who i'm calling i would love to move hay except you look like you could build a farm keith would love to eat hay you you look like you could build a barn and then we accidentally hug the boss's wife too tight in it i played with it too hard george i broke the pretty one but but yeah now that sailor captain, he's kind of dick. Yeah, so. And I didn't hit him. He got what he came for?

Starting point is 00:47:32 I just scared the fuck out of him. I like this. By throwing furniture at him. It was okay. In my defense, the furniture was the closest thing to me. I didn't go out of my way to grab the table. Tom, your life is like a novel that they would ban in middle school. I love those novels.

Starting point is 00:47:46 For being too dark in the 30s. A boy called Tom. Well, this is something that's a little different. This is a game we play with Tom at diners usually. Oh, this one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:47:58 What I'm going to do is for this game, there's going to be two minutes on the clock. Olivia and Joe will be the judges. And what Tom has to do is I'm going to tell him a word or concept and he will have to explain it. Here's a classic example. Gravy, to which Tom shouted, biscuit ketchup.

Starting point is 00:48:16 We're going to start in three, two, one. Sumo wrestling. Fat guy slam. Tambourines. Drumbells. sumo wrestling uh fat guy slam yeah tambourines uh uh uh uh uh uh drum bells yeah that sounds about right yeah mirrors uh uh reflectors uh i mean you're not wrong escalators uh uh uh moving stairs yeah lotion Masturbation thing. Who could object to this?

Starting point is 00:48:48 Reggae. Jamaica music. Acne. Face herpes. Cone. Don't hit that. It's a shape. Tom, it's a shape.

Starting point is 00:49:06 I think he was yelling a beep or slamming on the table. You want to skip it? It's the orange thing you can't hit. You can't hit the orange thing. Oh, traffic cones. Don't correct the man. You're like the emperor telling Mozart there are too many notes. Okay, mosques.

Starting point is 00:49:21 What? Mosques. Oh, brown churches. Blue. Stick stuff. Lightning. Skyfire. Dictator.

Starting point is 00:49:46 One man democracy. Bracelets. Bad jewelry. Samurais. Not sumos. Japan knights. Kangaroos. Fuck.

Starting point is 00:50:03 Hot bunnies. Jury duty. Um, don't, don't go. Um, uh, uh, skip. Okay, uh, pajamas. Oh, uh, sleep clothes. Okay, UFOs. Uh, uh, uh, God Frisbees. Okay, you're out of time.

Starting point is 00:50:28 Polyester. I don't know what that is. Cotton. Cotton? Slave shirts. White ghosts. Ghosts. Oh, fuck.

Starting point is 00:50:43 Death smoke. Apple Watch. Apple Watch. Rich, poor, time thing. I don't know. Is that for rich people? Is it for poor people? I don't understand that whole... Australia.

Starting point is 00:50:52 Australia. Sad England. Moped. Rich or mean? Rich is rich. Moped? Moped. Moped.

Starting point is 00:51:00 Moped. Moped. Moped. Moped. Moped. Moped. Moped. Moped. Moped. Sad England. Moped. Ridge or Ridge? Ridge is Ridge.

Starting point is 00:51:09 Moped? Moped. Oh, sad bicycle. Sad motorcycle. Mohawks. Mohawks. Sexy hair. I'm just going to go sexy.

Starting point is 00:51:22 Come on, some new ones, new ones, new ones. Show business. Show business. Show business. The Jews are getting back at the Nazis. Platypus. Platypus. Do you mean duck Pokemon? Fuck, I know that one's wrong.

Starting point is 00:51:42 I know that one's wrong. That was right. Okay, thank you. Hit me, hit me, hit me. Psychology. It's like kinda happening. Pol Pot. Pol Pot? Oh, Agent Hitler. Not quite sure what he did actually. I don't know why there isn't a chef named Pol Pot. I think that was a real missed opportunity. Tell them about PM. Oh, um, uh,

Starting point is 00:52:25 sleepy aspirin. I've never taken it. I've never taken aspirin or tied it to small dose. I always, yeah. Igloo. Igloo. Oh, uh, Ice House. It's what it is! It's what you want from me! That's all you got?

Starting point is 00:52:41 You want my brain to do gymnastics every goddamn time? Yes. The fucking upside-down ice stove. I don't know what you have on the table. Martin Lawrence. Who? Martin Lawrence. Oh, Chill Chris Rock.

Starting point is 00:52:58 Food trucks. Oh, um, um, the findy restaurants. Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Los Angeles. Oh, uh, the, the, uh, uh, the homeless melting pot. Only a couple more. Just a couple more.

Starting point is 00:53:18 I gotta get off. Rocket ships. Rocket ships. Um, uh, uh, uh, uh, blast off planes. Smoke detectors. Danger bring ring. Colorado. Colorado.

Starting point is 00:53:37 Mountain pot, California. Sideburns. Sideburns. I don't know what year it is here. Last one, last one. 9-11. Okay, two more, two more. 9-11, Islam Whipsy Daisy.

Starting point is 00:53:56 We're going to throw some more into Tom. He has not seen this list beforehand, and he is going to give us his best attempt at describing these concepts. You guys ready for the Tom Lightning round? Sound good? All right. You want to just go back and forth?

Starting point is 00:54:09 Yeah, yeah. All right, I'll start us off. Death metal. Death metal. Kill you music. Sandwiches. Oh, shitty burrito. All right, Tom.

Starting point is 00:54:21 Black people. Historically white. Don't make me the bad guy. Global warming. Sweaty earth. Okay, Tom. Grapes. Grapes? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:39 Picky fruit. The musical Hamilton. I don't know what that is. Circumcision. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, Dick Haircut. Reggae. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, Bongo Blast. Alright, uh, in honor of the venue, Brulisk.

Starting point is 00:55:01 Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, Clothing Stripping. I mean, technically. Karate. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, clothing stripping. I mean, technically. Karate. Oh, uh. They had karate leading down the street. Um, uh, uh, choppy fighting. The color blue. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, down yellow.

Starting point is 00:55:20 Right, Tom, farts. Oh, uh, butt burns. Tennis. Bat lacrosse. Martin Luther King Jr. Great guy. We the people of black people. The guy that said that was Thomas Jefferson, who owned a lot of slaves.

Starting point is 00:55:42 You are very wrong. Does anybody in the crowd have a suggestion for Tom? Candles. What? Sam? Candles. Candles. Candles. I'm. Does anybody in the crowd have a suggestion for Tom? Candles. Say it. Candles. I'm going to go into the crowd. Sad torches. Spaghetti. Oh. Our roommate's anthem.

Starting point is 00:55:57 Sorry, so excited. Baseball. Food hair. All right, we got one over here. Horseshoe. Horseshoe. Horseshoe. Shitty bowling. Comedy. Comedy.

Starting point is 00:56:11 Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, fucking... This is so esoteric. This is esoteric. This is the one. Glass. What? Glass. Glass. What? Glass. Glass! Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, happy plastic.

Starting point is 00:56:29 Yes. Noodle dick. Noodle dick. Noodle dick. Oh, uh... That sounds like one of the ones he said. Uh, um, uh, don't eat that spaghetti. Yes. Trump. Trump.

Starting point is 00:56:43 Oh, uh, uh, uh, America the Orange. Okay. Okay, guys, wait. Yeah, yeah. All right. One more quick variation on the Tom Lightning round. Ah, fuck, I hate this. We're giving him 30 seconds.

Starting point is 00:56:59 He has a category he has to fulfill. You have to name seven things within this category. Okay. Tom, we're going to start you name seven things within this category. Okay. Tom, we're going to start you off. Name seven condiments. Okay. Ketchup, ice cream toppings,

Starting point is 00:57:13 maraschino cherries, hot fudge, cold fudge, salad, and dressing. Okay. Make it go. You know none of those. Shut up, you're gonna get to check something! Shut up!

Starting point is 00:57:30 You guys are awesome, I love you. I have the next one. Tom, 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven emotions. Oh, sad, happy, fear, uh, angry, um, uh, rage, uh, fury, and wrath. I'm a very happy man. All right, Tom. Let's do two more. I got one here.

Starting point is 00:57:54 Tom, give us seven weapons. Oh, sledgehammer, broadsword, samurai sword, parier, crossbow, longbow, and machine gun. By the way, you were looking for, right here, Perrier. You can kill someone with a bottle of Perrier, alright? You ever make fun of a barista's haircut? It happens. If I had a broken bottle of Pellegrino, people would be freaking the fuck out, right?

Starting point is 00:58:27 That's fair. I'm pretty sure you think Pellegrino is those birds that steal your chips at the beach. I have a good relationship with birds. I don't understand. Last one, Tom. 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven kinds of animal. Okay.

Starting point is 00:58:41 Birds. Cockatoo. Cock and spaniel. House cat, lion, dragon, and ferret. Can you just name seven Muppets for us real quick? Fuck, green, blue, orange, yellow, rover, the frog, and his pig. The frog and his pig The frog and his pig is what our podcast should be called Beers

Starting point is 00:59:12 Seven beers, go Heineken, Coors, Budweiser, Bud Light Oh fuck IPA Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels Whiskey, fuck beer Oh, God. Where to begin?

Starting point is 00:59:35 Where to begin? This might be the crown jewel of all Nazi jokes. Yeah, it really will, because it shows a fierce love of Bruce Springsteen And also a terrifying knowledge of, like, tragedy canon Yeah, the more verses in this song that you actually understand the references to without Googling The worse of a person you are Oh, yeah, well, yeah, there's three full verses

Starting point is 01:00:00 And, by the way, Joe did this in one take, which was amazing And then me and Keith were just, like, holding our mouths, trying not to laugh we're like leaving the room trying to be clever and fuck it up and we've only we've only done a handful of like musical parodies uh but this is by far the best oh yeah and then we had to you know i had to go like get my shit together so i could do my line yeah you know they're like i did not see this coming you know all that shit and it was just uh we did it one take and we're just like we're not gonna top that uh but yeah it's just fucking big and long and elaborate and ridiculous and bad and great and offensive and kind of heartwarming and this is this is one of the

Starting point is 01:00:36 most like indicative of like what mean boys is yeah yeah it's one of those things where it's like okay look uh death grips is this band just listen to this song called the fever and then if you didn't poop then you probably got a new favorite band so enjoy uh ladies and gentlemen order order let the record reflect that the date is june 18th 2016 federal court of berlin the trial will now commence in the case of Reinhold Danning. Herr Danning, you stand accused of acting as an accessory to the murder of 170,000 people while working as a guard at the Auschwitz concentration camp. Herr Danning, let me be clear. I intend to get the full account of your experience at the Auschwitz concentration camp, and I assure you, Herr Danning, that the German nation will allow no heinous dean of the Third Reich to go unpunished,

Starting point is 01:01:23 and you will be given a full account of the actions of you and all your cohorts during your time with the SS. Danke, Your Honor. It is not my intention to distort the truth of my past. While I was never directly responsible for the deaths of any inmates, I was responsible for the security of those who were. Many others contributed in such a capacity as well. I believed at the time that I was doing my duty to ensure the defense of the Reich during the darkest years of the war. You seem proud.

Starting point is 01:01:51 Many ver, your honor. Many of us believed in the moral certitude of the final solution, and those who didn't were merely opportunists. We were bonded together in a way that no one who has never endured war can understand. Many acted in pure amoral self-interest, but many were certain what we were doing was right for Germany, and right for the world. Stop stalling and get to the details of your crimes there, Danning. It was, Vell. Let me put it like this.

Starting point is 01:02:24 I had a friend who brought Cyclone B Back in World War II He told everyone it was insecticide But it got breathed by the Jews, boy Saw a man from Hugo Boss at an old beer hall I was walking in while he was walking out Said he made our uniforms look really cool But all he kept talking about

Starting point is 01:02:56 Guten Days Well, they'll pass you by Guten Days We stocked them six million high Guten Days Guten Days This is highly irregular. Gregor. His nurse would swing by my cabin and have a few drinks after a day of sewing twins together. The guys at Volkswagen, they made a car,

Starting point is 01:03:34 a gift for the Chancellor of Germany. We'd cast the Jews in gypsies, sell the gold from their teeth, got money laundered by the Bush family. Guten days. Well, they'll pass you by.

Starting point is 01:03:51 Guten days. Would have made their schindler cry. Guten days. Guten days. Order! Order! I'm kind of feeling it. Go on on Wow, I really did not see this coming I think I'm going down to South America Never have to answer for my evil

Starting point is 01:04:17 And I hope that someday I won't stand trial in the Hague But I probably will. A lot of people ask me how I could stand by and contribute to all of these horrors, but we were at war, it was a long time ago, and I was just following orders. Guten days. Crimes against humanity.

Starting point is 01:04:48 Guten days. Work will set you free. Guten days. Guten days. We interrupt this tasteless sketch to bring you a special bulletin. The Mean Boys podcast has received a cease and desist letter from the office of Bruce Springsteen saying, quote, Cut the shit or I will throat fuck you so hard I'll cram my dick in your left lung, pull out and come in your right. In an effort to avoid lawsuit, ladies and gentlemen, the boss! All right, thank you, everybody.

Starting point is 01:05:15 This is a song about a part of Jersey I wouldn't be caught dead in. Woo! Under the boardwalk, I instruct my driver to lock the doors when we drive under the boardwalk. I instruct my driver to lock the doors when we drive under the boardwalk. I'm the boss. Oh, this is fun. Clinton and McGillie. Here's the thing. Connor writes the

Starting point is 01:05:37 sketches, but Connor's strong suit is definitely the best pieces in the jokes. So Clinton and McGillie is your finest hour. Keith and Joe have obviously produced most of your Yeah, no, I'm definitely, I'm Keith is, you know, Keith and Joe have obviously produced most of the, most of your favorite sketches and I'm more of a, you know,

Starting point is 01:05:50 a lazy. So no, you're the heart of the show. And I disagree, but you know, I, I, my brain is better suited to like the,

Starting point is 01:05:57 the other kind of, did you put, get in a framework for the spoken, you know, improvisation, but you're clearly great at spoken improvisation. Yeah. You're not good at not being fat. All right.

Starting point is 01:06:07 Look, that wasn't. You got me. I'm phoning this in. We're recording this real late. We're doing three Mean Boys this week, backlogging them. So I apologize. Taking a break from dog politics and getting into human politics. I had a whole plan about how I was going to write an animated series about the adventures

Starting point is 01:06:21 of Bill Clinton and Secret Service detail with Hillary in the White House. And then. Whoops. Yeah yeah that really fucked me over uh so this is the uh surviving uh you know remnants of that it features uh my favorite vocal appearance in mean boys history just a few lines joe dosh's newt gingrich no one has ever crushed something and embodied something more as well as well as you you're ken star and the bob dole like it's just all fucking perfect the new gingrich is the that's the big moment of this. We won't spoil the line. I'm not going to spoil my favorite. It's my favorite line of Meme.

Starting point is 01:06:50 You'll know it. You'll know it. I'm not going to give anything away. But yeah, this is... And there's going to be more Clint and McGillie. It's very time consuming because they have to be these big sprawling adventures full of time travel and bullshit. Well, that's the thing. Most of our sketches are kind of loose and they're like three minutes and they're just sort of like,

Starting point is 01:07:05 no, here's a character, here's an idea. Yours are like dense. They're pretty much a Scooby-Doo episode. Yeah, it's got to be a full Scooby-Doo episode. They're pretty well done. Starring the 42nd president. So, anyone? Anyone?

Starting point is 01:07:17 Anyway, fucking listen to it already, okay? Here's Clinton and McGillie. Sock it to me. March 19th, 2017. President Hillary Clinton is overseas negotiating an international relief fund for Syrian refugees, leaving her husband Bill at the White House to tie up some loose ends with the head of his newly assigned Secret Service detail, Agent McGillie. All right, McGillie. What I'm about to tell you stays between you and me, capiche?

Starting point is 01:07:44 Yes, Mr. President. Please, McGillie. What I'm about to tell you stays between you and me, capiche? Yes, Mr. President. Please, McGillie, call me boss. You know, like in an old-timey mobster kind of way? Sure thing, uh, boss. Any particular reason, boss? I don't know. Seems like it would add a fun dynamic to our relationship. Okay. What did you want to tell me, boss? I've been using the Clinton Foundation payroll to pay off- Your mistress's, boss? Dammit, McGillie, how'd you know that?

Starting point is 01:08:05 It's an assumption pretty much everyone has come to, boss. Seriously? I mean, are you really that surprised, boss? Fair point. That's besides the point, McGilly. Everyone's always suspected old Slick Willie of having a little black book that's as big as Arkansas. But if this gets out, I'm going to be seriously undermining Hillary's efforts to rally charities around the world to contribute to the refugee crisis. Now, just because I've pushed some of my legislation through a few watergates doesn't mean that Hillary shouldn't be able to help those people in need.

Starting point is 01:08:31 That's very noble of you, boss. Hillary doesn't deserve this. The only dick that's seen the kind of trouble mine has was elected vice president in 2000. I agree that we need to help the president's agenda any way we can, boss, but what are you proposing we do? All right, we need to sneak into the Clintoninton foundation headquarters steal some panties wait what let me finish mcgillick after we stock up on those dirty cheek huggers we alter the christmas bonuses on the payroll to reflect the proper non-bonerific amounts owed to my mistresses before our financial

Starting point is 01:08:59 statements go public tomorrow you want us to do that boss it would be highly illegal and with all due respect a national disgrace if a former president was caught burglarizing his own charitable foundation to launder funds used for sexual misconduct. Illegal? Yes. Disgraceful? Yes. Fine?

Starting point is 01:09:18 You bet your sweet top security clearance haven't asked yes. And if there's one thing I know, it's that you can't stop the comeback kid from doing the right thing at the last possible moment after he has exhausted all other feasible options. I'll get the keys to one of our unmarked undercover vehicles, Mr. President. McGillie? I mean, boss. Hang tight, Hillary.

Starting point is 01:09:38 The first gentleman of the United States is on his way. How are we going to get past security, boss? It's true. I've got this place locked up tighter than Al Gore's envelope house, but I also instituted a fail-safe in case of a situation like this. What's that, boss? I hired my half-brother Roger Clinton's grandkids to do security,

Starting point is 01:09:58 and if there's one thing besides sex that's been inferior, I know a Clinton can't resist. It's McDonald's. McGilly, you beautiful son of a bitch, start loading Tylenol PNs into these McGrill's before I have to kiss you. Boss, why couldn't we have just gone through the front entrance?

Starting point is 01:10:16 The woman's locker room's on the 12th floor, and it's guarded by a Cerberus whose three heads are Bob Dole, Ken Starr, and... And? Newt Gingrich. So that's what he's been up to. But boss, can't we just skip the panties? McGillis, stop asking stupid questions and help me pry open this window.

Starting point is 01:10:34 Boss, I think that's enough panties. The sun's coming up and we still need to alter the payroll spreadsheets and get out of here. Gingrich! Is that the Cerberus? That depends what the definition of is is. Fuck you, Starr. G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g- Congressional Medal of Freedom, you jowly son of a bitch. We're cornered. What are we gonna do, boss? You're going to die. Just like my contract with America did under your veto, Mr. President. You should know better by now, Newt. Bubba's

Starting point is 01:11:12 always got another trick up his sleeve. McGillie, suck on this reed for me. Yes, sir, boss. No, no, not jazz music. A special prosecutor's one weakness. The sultry moan of a tenor saxophone. You better get on the last coal train out of town, Cerberus. Ah, the minor pentatonic scale is for Negroes.

Starting point is 01:11:32 That's just the kind of thinking that made your presidential bid a laughingstock, Gingrich. McGillie, go alter those spreadsheets. I'll hold them off. Three days later. Well, McGillie, Hillary negotiated the most unifying humanitarian effort the world has seen since the Marshall Plan, and no one was the wiser. Nothing left to do but to enjoy these cigars, eh? Boss, I just have one more question. Shoot. What were the panties for?

Starting point is 01:11:57 Well, how do you think we're going to light the cigars? That's a good one, Clinton. Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Clinton and McGilley. Scandal, espionage, unsettling sexual perversion justified by a slick public demeanor. All that and more from the first gentleman of the United States and his trusty lieutenant. I'm with him. This next one coming up is another one of those last minute hair of the dick, like I got to turn something in sketches

Starting point is 01:12:25 that I wrote with the help of my friend Cody Sarvis. And we came up with an idea for a board game to teach kids to try not to get raped. And, you know, a lot of the stuff we do is just for fun. We like to provide a little public service every now and again. Yeah, well, and this is a fun one

Starting point is 01:12:41 because I like trying to skirt the line between how can I the the correct opinion on something but still offend people who agree with me well yeah keith says about this show and he articulates this part of the meeting he's like why the people that fucking are evil shouldn't get the monopoly on the funnest kinds of humor totally yeah i know yeah at some point i feel like everything switched and all of a sudden the right got like racism and rape jokes and sex jokes. I'm like, no, we are supposed to have that because we're the ones who are getting beat up.

Starting point is 01:13:11 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, not me, but all you guys. Yeah, I mean, you're the problem, but before we rise up and destroy you. Yeah. I think we use just everybody who's ever had a problem versus you. I've had several problems, okay?

Starting point is 01:13:23 No, but don't get raped is fun. Don't get raped.'s fun don't get raped uh i remember we showed this to kyle clark because he was the guest on the show he read it and he just goes which is one of several times that i brought in a sketch where somebody's like hey come on man there's there's one uh that got moved to the the nice boys april fool's episode because it was so much 1-800-CUM-PIG if you want to go listen to that it's not going to the live episode because it's just just like audio just like drain cleaner it's it's horrible it is the

Starting point is 01:13:51 worst thing ever and then there's another one that will not be spoken of yeah that's in the in the mean boys at a fucking vault the it's our song of the south for a lot of reasons yeah next to JFK's brain but this one made it

Starting point is 01:14:03 through and the rest of Tom's brain and I like this one quite a bit, and hopefully you guys do too. So please enjoy this commercial for America's Favorite Board Game, Don't Get Rabed. Hey kids, we've got a new board game that's cool and educational. It's great for the whole family. Get ready for your new favorite game, Don't Get Rabed. The high-speed

Starting point is 01:14:18 adventure that pits you against a nightmarish gauntlet of sexual trauma and fun. Alright! Wait, what? Roll the dice to move up the board towards finish, but look out because there's trouble at every turn. Five, six, seven. What's the card say? You had too many wine coolers at your cousin's wedding

Starting point is 01:14:36 and the DJ got aggressive. Move back one space for every inch of your skirt above the knee. Aw, rats. Your turn. I got 12! Uh-oh. Chad decided he wanted to be more than friends, and

Starting point is 01:14:47 you didn't get to the door in time. Go directly to jail just kidding. The police don't believe you. Five cool tokens to play as. The late night Uber, the defective safety whistle, the communion wafer, your ex-boyfriend's 311 CD, or sketchy Uncle Dave. You made it to court. Can you tell the attorneys

Starting point is 01:15:03 who raped you? It was... It was... Oh, I got it! It was the lacrosse team in the locker room with the coach's permission. I win! No! You send a nude picture to somebody eight years ago, you automatically lose! What? And they're countersuing!

Starting point is 01:15:20 But, I... And they know where you live! That's not fair! It's more than fair, it's fun! What's all that racket? I keep getting raped. That's because for all our so-called evolution, we are sexually cavemen, still trapped in an endless cycle of violence and abuse that subjugated the female population into a state of perpetual slavery.

Starting point is 01:15:38 But on the plus side, without rape, we wouldn't have you! Mom! Don't get raped! Available now for Milton Cosby Games! On sale anywhere, anytime, no matter how safe you feel. Suitable for ages 10 and up, but also under 10 because God has abandoned us. Hello. I listened to the Mean Boys podcast and I didn't like it. I was offended.

Starting point is 01:15:58 I'm going to be calling iTunes personally and asking them to take you off the air. Hey, guys. This person's mother's your agent. Look, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. Hey, guys, this is Carson Smothers, your agent. Look, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. The meeting went bad, all right? They did not like the pilot. They laughed me out of there, all right? I mean, you guys set me up for failure here.

Starting point is 01:16:17 I don't know what that was. I don't know what it was at all. That being said, I'm going to have to drop you guys as clients. I'm sorry. You know, no hard feelings. It's just kind of how this industry works sometimes. So, um, good luck out there and everything. Oh, and by the way, if you could get me Tom Goss's info, um, the executives love him.

Starting point is 01:16:36 Uh, we think we might make a project with him. All right. Well, good luck. Bye-bye. Hey everybody. The Mean Boys podcast returns. Which of the following? That is very appropriate. Yeah. That's how I set up. You have never once set up well. Bye-bye. Forget about it for years and years and years. And then I was like, fuck, okay, we could try that. And then I realized, oh, I could do other shit besides Harlem Globetrotters.

Starting point is 01:17:07 And I keep thinking that we're going to run out of which of the following topics, but people send them in. And I'm like, okay. Not even close. There's so much bullshit. I'm like, oh, there's a lot of different variations of the Power Rangers. There's any number of places you could take this. Yeah, and this was actually the first thing you pitched me when you were telling me about doing the podcast. Oh, was it?

Starting point is 01:17:23 I don't remember that. Because you and Joe had already kind of been talking about starting it but when you brought me in that was the first thing you're like yeah that thing we did with the globetrotters at one time we're gonna do like that shit and i'm like okay man i was like that seems like a fun thing we'll do twice and then forget about and then it's i've been on almost every episode yeah it has absolutely dominated our lives but it's very fun and we get so many of these sent in by the audience which we always appreciate yeah and if you have anything that you're an expert on, you know, we had like Australian Towns.

Starting point is 01:17:48 Doesn't sound like it would be great. It was one of the most fun ones we ever did. Yeah. And it's basically, if you're new to the show, three real things and one thing you made up. You got to pick the thing you made up. And it gets into some... Keith's got... He's probably played more rounds of What You're Following than anybody.

Starting point is 01:18:00 And just seeing the stratagems he's developing. Yeah, I get real a beautiful mind about it. I'm like tracking. This one was sent in by a listener, and they're clearly trying to be funny, but they're not funny, so that tells me it's probably cum farts. I'm the Sherlock Holmes of our terrible audience.

Starting point is 01:18:14 That's what we do. We bring a high level of analysis to very, very base subject matter. And know very little about important things. Indeed. So everybody, enjoy our anchor segment, which of the following? Space Godzilla be praised.

Starting point is 01:18:28 Question number four, which of the following is not real punk rock? Name A, Mort Tishin, B, Poison Ivy, C, Johnny Good For Nothing, or D, Rat Scabies. Mort Tishin. From my time in the punk rockery.

Starting point is 01:18:44 The punk rockery. The punk rockery. Oh, rip-roaring it was. The apothecary of angst. I just like it because Mort is such a Jew name. So I'm just picturing like the Hebrew misfits. The Mishman of Shephets? The Mishfits? I, the power who needs it.

Starting point is 01:19:05 I want your skulls, but at these prices? Oy, oy, my darling. I can literally do this until we fucking die. Me too. Oy, oy, my darling. I was crying on a Saturday morning. London Dungeon, you were at my mother-in-law's house. Hiram moments.

Starting point is 01:19:36 Don't cry to boils, baby. Rye, rye, Rye, my darling. Hey, hey, at midnight, why aren't you doing June Misfits? Points. Was that Mortara or Chris Hardwick? Mortara points. What's the difference? Who cares?

Starting point is 01:20:09 That's the most fun I've ever had. That was a Hall of Fame riff. Oh my god. Tears. Alright, I've prepared for you guys which of the following is not a real Vince McMahon quote. So if you guys don't know who Vince McMahon is, he is the

Starting point is 01:20:24 CEO and owner of the WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment. Outstanding. And he played the most despicable bad guy I've ever seen in wrestling. So, A, even if I wasn't your father, I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last slut on earth. B, I don't think you realize that you're making me, a loving father, have to go into the ring and beat down his very own daughter. C, I'll never

Starting point is 01:20:46 forgive your mother for giving birth to you. And D. I'm a victim of what came out of your demon-infested womb. I'm talking about our kids. Let's say A. Fuck. What are A and B again? But he's not a good parent. A. Even if I wasn't your father,

Starting point is 01:21:02 Dr. Tom, over here. You've got some issues. A was, even if I wasn't your father, I wouldn't sleep with you for the last night on Earth. And B is, I don't think you realize that you're making me, a loving father, have to go into the ring and beat down his very own daughter. I'm going to say A.

Starting point is 01:21:19 I'm going to say B, but even though it does kind of sound like something you'd say, like he'll punch his daughter in the face and it's someone else's fault yeah Tom I said a oh yeah well the correct answer is a he did he had there was a match in 2003 Vince McMahon versus Stephanie McMahon he made his daughter wrestle him in a match he choked her with a lead pipe at the end of it uh and then he made out with his mistress and then pie-faced his wife. I'm just picturing it.

Starting point is 01:21:49 It's like Christmas. Is this real? Yeah. No Mercy 2003. Dude, what the fuck? God, it's like Christmas dinner and none of them will break kayfabe. These Vince McMahon stories sound like Greek legends where Zeus turned into a cow and then raped his daughter.

Starting point is 01:22:05 The Undertaker turned into a swan. Wow. The fucking coming of a father-daughter dance of WWE. Yeah, he won the match. His daughter tried. She had a good comeback, but she didn't. All right. This is all real or all fake.

Starting point is 01:22:22 A, I hope the U.S. loses the war in Iraq. B. We know the answer. B, the one person in history I'd have to make tap out would have to be Jesus. C, truth be told, I'm not a very big fan of the black people. And D. I could say anything I want to these idiots and they'd still cheer for me.

Starting point is 01:22:53 All real. All fake. I feel like this is the comedian Robin wishes you were. I don't know what I mean. Like, you got all your Andrew Dice Clay energy out on the Mean Boys today. Oh, that's funny. Okay, well, I guess this is... Wait, Joe...

Starting point is 01:23:10 I'm going to say all fake. Well, these are all fake Vince McMahon quotes, but it's kind of a trick question because these are all real Kurt Angle quotes. He said this in one promo. And he was right because they still cheered for him that night. What a heel. Robin, that was an amazing game of

Starting point is 01:23:29 which of the following. Thank you. Wow. Number three, which of the following is not a real Jamar tweet? A, Jay gonna start using lifts so he

Starting point is 01:23:37 can tip these. Oh, yeah, that's right. Jay gonna start using lifts so he can tip these. After he fart up they Priuses shaking my head

Starting point is 01:23:46 B no I'm not going fucker I'm gonna just chill and smell my butt and pretend like it's her sitting on my face till I fall asleep C cuz I'm just living in that lamp already D, I got a new respect for my toilet. Just swallowed a 13 inch churn like, this is what I do, bro. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Fuck. Oh, man. Oh, shit. Fuck. Oh, yeah. He got a right-controlled lamp.

Starting point is 01:24:36 Had to wait for an old genie to die. That guy had to be amazed. Jake, I'll start using lift so he can tip these niggas after he fired it. The second one again. Nah, I'm not going to fuck her. I'm going to just chill and smell my butt and pretend. Is it A?

Starting point is 01:25:03 Is that not my tweet? I'm going to say B. Joe? I'm going to say B. Joe? I'm going to say B as well. A is not Jamar's tweet. Yeah. You have way more memory. Here's the thing.

Starting point is 01:25:13 I feel like you have never had a thought and not tweeted it. Yeah. I feel like there's nothing in your draft where you're like, is that too fucked up? I'm going to take a picture of someone else. I forgot that. We're going to hear that in the OR later. Take a picture of someone else. Man, I forgot that. We're going to hear that in the OR later. Hey, man, you guys ever smell your butt and just pretend someone's sitting there?

Starting point is 01:25:32 Oh, no, just me? Okay. Number four, which is the following is not a real Jamar tweet. A, did we ever get to the bottom of why food is so good, though? B, Jay trying to take some tap dancing classes on the low. C. That jack off session was stupid poppin'. Jay still got it. Muscle emoji.

Starting point is 01:25:57 Or D. Question. Why is root beer so good? Oh my goodness. I'm going to say the root beer one. Jamar? Nah. A is A.

Starting point is 01:26:12 I would have guessed C. That sounds like Connor trying to pretend he's black. The fake tweet is B, Jay trying to take some tactics. I feel like I've said that before. I mean, maybe. That's how good he is. I swear to God. Because I have been trying to take some tap tests.

Starting point is 01:26:33 Yeah! Oh, God. That's crazy. I was like, yeah, I'll probably tweet that like three months ago. No, you just see something, and then you forget about it for eight hours, and you're like, yeah, Jay trying to make an apple pie on the loan. Which, as long as it's not a real Godzilla villain. A, Mechagodzilla.

Starting point is 01:26:49 B, SpaceGodzilla. C, SpaceKong. Or D, Batra. I gotta say SpaceKong. Tommy Goss? The fuck? I don't understand this. What is confusing you?

Starting point is 01:27:03 Where do these names come from? Tom, you've been on this podcast like five times. Three of them come from Godzilla movies. One of them comes from Ryan Colby. Say them one more time. These are things that Godzilla fought. They all sound the same to me. They're different if you listen with your ears. I don't know. They're all spelled with

Starting point is 01:27:19 letters. A. Mechagodzilla. B. SpaceGodzilla. C. SpaceKong. D. Batra.odzilla. B, SpaceGodzilla. C, SpaceKong. D, Batra. I'm going to say SpaceGodzilla. All right, the fake one is SpaceKong. God damn it! Just like a black astronaut, he'll never exist.

Starting point is 01:27:34 Oh, shit! Okay, there probably were black astronauts at some point, but it seemed like a good joke to make. Batra is not an evil enough-looking giant bat, but rather he's the evil side of Mothra, who's also considered a guardian of Earth. Oh, God, Ryan. I take it. Nobody fuck Ryan. He deserves himself. Who is Space Kong?

Starting point is 01:27:51 You? Space Kong doesn't exist. He's a fake one. Do you not understand? Oh, I said fake. I said Space Godzilla. Yeah. Oh.

Starting point is 01:28:00 He's Godzilla in space. You've played this game. You made a round of this game Do you not understand it? Not since Jack the Ripper has a name been so explanatory His name is Jack, he rips His name is Space Godzilla He Godzilla's in space

Starting point is 01:28:16 Fuck, Tom No, I know how the game works I just don't know how the fuck I didn't know there was this much Godzilla out there Well, it's not a difficult thing to wrap your brain around Yeah, it is I don't know how the game works. I just don't know how the fuck... I didn't know there was this much Godzilla out there. Well, it's not a difficult thing to wrap your brain around. Yeah, it is. There is.

Starting point is 01:28:30 Accept it. Make peace with it. Oh, my God. I'm guessing Matthew Broderick was only in one movie. That's correct. Okay. Kill me. I don't like him.

Starting point is 01:28:44 He didn't go to school when he was supposed to. Yeah, I didn't either. That's not why. Which of the following is not a real name of a real feminine hygiene product from the past or present? Number one, A, doctor discreet's daily conveniences. Imagine putting a quarter into the machine at a bar restroom and getting one of those. It's like in Victorian England when pregnant people were like, they're in a condition. Like, did you take your daily conveniences? You're a bit

Starting point is 01:29:09 ornery, wouldn't you say? Conveniences is definitely the Shakespeare word for toiletries. B. Me thinks the lady inconvenient much. It means butt stuff. B. Southall Sanitary Towels.

Starting point is 01:29:26 C. Flushdown Ideal. Or D. SS Napkin. The secret police could not even find any traces of blood in your panties. Well, now is she referring to the shootstaffle or like it's like a boat? Like, I'm captain of the SS Napkin, gals. It could be. Italy do. Oh my god, shit. captain of the SS napkin, gals. It could be. Italy do. On the go.

Starting point is 01:29:47 Just make sure you don't mop the poop deck. You could get an infection. I soak my pads in gin. Remember, I always wipe stern to poop deck. Oh, yeah. Pussy to ass. Make her come fast. Ass to pussy.

Starting point is 01:30:00 She's going to have an infection in her pussy. I've never heard you laugh that way. I'm going to say SS napkin, because even napkin implies dabbing. It's a little too indiscreet for Puritan America. I'm going to say... And dabbing didn't come around in time. I'm going to say Dr... What was the name?

Starting point is 01:30:21 Dr. Discreet's Daily Conveniences. Dr. Discreet's Daily Conveniences. The fake one is Dr. Discreet's Daily Conveniences. The fake one is Dr. Discreet's Daily Conveniences. I really wanted that to be real. Keith Carey, you son of a bitch. Number three, which of the following is not an outdated feminine hygiene product? A. Hartman's Hygienic Towelettes.

Starting point is 01:30:35 B. Protecto Sanitary Bloomers. Protecto! Protecto! Fighting drippage since day one! They're sanitary bloomers to wear under your other four layers of bloomers. Don't be indecent, gals. Keep those ankles under lock and key, Trollope.

Starting point is 01:30:56 Hindsmith's ankle locks. They will lead you to impure thoughts. See the Pemberton Confidence Rack? The Pemberton Confidence Rag. The Pemberton Confidence Rag. That sounds like something you'd satirically call another newspaper during the era of Boss Tweed. Well, you're nothing more than a Pemberton Confidence Rag. You're in the pocket of Tammany Hall.

Starting point is 01:31:23 Yeah, Joe's Confidence Rag is soaked in ether and shoved into an old man's face. Don't breathe. There's one more. Or D, the form-fit sanitary apron. Oh, Christ! Get back in the kitchen, you bleeding muck. What was A again? Hartman's hygienic towelettes.

Starting point is 01:31:46 I like towelette. It implies if you get barbecue sauce on it. It was a real messy corn dog. Look at me, you pussy. Grape-fried chicken. Black girls have periods too, Joseph. Hey, shove a county fat corn dog off your twat. Oh, yeah. Just wipe

Starting point is 01:32:00 it up with cornbread. I'm going to say Pemberton Confidence Rags. I'm going to say the apron one. It is the Pemberton Confidence Rags. Pemberton Confidence Rags. This thing is a meme. This next sketch combines two of my favorite things, movie trailer matchups and the... I'm finishing that sentence.

Starting point is 01:32:23 And the underexposed horrors of the reagan administration yeah this is a uh this is a right in connor's wheelhouse sketch because it yeah this is a joe dash sketch this is a joe dash ass sketch which is war crimes uh with whimsy yeah there was a long stretch of mean boys in the early days but it was all like references to weird obscure political shit oh yeah yeah and it continues to be a lot of the time yeah there was like a lot of like who's on first with the iwo jima or with the fucking nagasaki bombing yeah all that shit like that and it's and it's uh it's fun because i think it's a weirdly dumb way to handle a very smart topic yeah yeah and and look you know some

Starting point is 01:32:59 of those are hits or some of those are misses i think this is the best of those that we ever did with that as well and uh yeah It's just a very slickly produced audio movie trailer for what if Air Bud sold drugs to a South American dictatorship. So enjoy the Air Bud Contra affair. Woof. Coming to theaters near you.

Starting point is 01:33:17 Now look, Poindexter, the United States business interest simply cannot afford the presence of another communist state in the Western Hemisphere. I understand, Mr. Defense Secretary, but Congress just banned all further aid to the Nicaraguans. Reagan wants a way around all of this. Well, what are we going to do? What's that, Air Bud? What did you draw on these papers, boy?

Starting point is 01:33:39 Iran? Slipping under the embargo with shell companies? Wow, the Security Council will never be able to trace the money back to the U.S. Who's a good boy? If you want to overthrow an elected leftist government... There's no rule that says a dog can't channel arms sales to a Central American dictatorship. Well, there's international law. But does international law say a dog can't channel arms sales to a Central American dictatorship?

Starting point is 01:34:06 Well, no. Don't send a jackal. General, the fascists are storming the building. What? How is that possible? They're being funded by Air Bud. Send a golden retriever. Hola, you communist pigs. Pero del cielo sends his regards.

Starting point is 01:34:24 This summer, this is CNN. The communist government of Nicaragua, known for its human rights violations, was overthrown by freedom fighters with help from Air Bud, the lovable dog who fights to spread liberty across the globe. The Air Bud Contra Affair. Rated PG. The United Nations is prepared to act on a motion barring any dogs from selling arms to sovereign nations under embargo by the Security Council, thus closing the there's no rule that says a dog can't do things loophole.

Starting point is 01:34:57 Mr. Secretary General, the Soviet Union would like to propose an exception to dogs playing soccer on teams to save a rec center from closing or to inspire children with difficult home lives to believe in themselves. The General Assembly finds this acceptable. Motion approved. I have a weird obsession with the Alec Baldwin speech from Glengarry Glen Ross, and I've never actually seen the movie Glengarry Glen Ross. Did you just see it linked in that one famous Cracked article? I mean, probably.

Starting point is 01:35:22 I've seen it just in so many things and just referenced and stuff but it is like such an iconic piece of writing and like performance uh and i was just like sometimes i like to just see like what's a dumb voice i can have to write in because it's a good experience experiment to like not just sound like me all the time uh and it was the obvious choice was to put dr seuss in the whole thing yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I like just taking an absurd concept and just playing it as straight as possible. Well, and the thing about this is that the pacing of it is so consistently, like, Seussian. Like, it's almost, like, syllable for syllable

Starting point is 01:35:54 perfect. Yeah, I mean, I really worked hard on making sure that the syllables lined up, because I watched the thing, like, 20 times, and I was, like, cross-referencing, like, very specific lines from within the thing. I mean, really, I think we should probably give more of the credit to David Mamet than Dr. Seuss. Yeah, yeah. And Joe for just delivering it perfectly.

Starting point is 01:36:10 Well, Joe does this in drag sometimes. Yeah, yeah. At least in the past. And that's why I knew he would crush it. So I wrote it for him specifically. And just with the cold, serious delivery with no fucking like, no, just fucking. Totally, yeah. Because I thought it might be funny to do a goofy voice.

Starting point is 01:36:26 I was like, no, you play it totally. You play it straight. You got the rain in the background. There's not even really any jokes in it per se. No, it's just commits to being what it is.

Starting point is 01:36:34 Yeah. And it's, and it almost takes you a minute to realize how stupid it is. And then you're all the way in. No, it's one of my favorites. Yeah. It's a phenomenal piece of dramatic acting by Joe as well,

Starting point is 01:36:44 particularly at the end, he gets real heavy. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, that my favorites. Yeah, it's a phenomenal piece of dramatic acting by Joe as well, particularly at the end. He gets real heavy. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. You've got to commit to your stupidity. Exactly. So with that said, please enjoy Glengarry Glensuce. They all here?

Starting point is 01:36:59 I'll accept the cat in the hat. Well, I'm going anyway. Let me have your attention, please. My name is the Lorax. I speak for the leads. You talking about what? A sail you can't land? Some broad won't let you put your green eggs in her ham?

Starting point is 01:37:13 Does that shit matter? I say to you, no, sirs. Put that coffee down. Coffee's for closers. Listen up close and listen up quick. Your sails are pathetic. They make me sick. Hear me, I say, like Horton hears Who's. Believe me, pal, I am not fucking with you.

Starting point is 01:37:34 I'm here on a mission of worry and mercy. A mission assigned by both Mitchell and Murray. Levine, they are worried, both Murray and Mitch. You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch? What's your name again? One fish, two fish, red fish, blue. What's my name? My name is fuck you. You came to work in a Hyundai, Levine.

Starting point is 01:37:55 I took a Wobulus flying machine with gizmos and gadgets and lots of propellers. You ain't shit to me unless you're the best seller. Nothing matters except being on top. You're a good father? Fuck you! Let your kids hop on pop. Go home and tell your wife all your woes. Or sit down, shut up, and fucking close. We've just changed the rules of this month's competition. First prize is a thing for which you've all been wishing. A genuine, bona fide Cadillac car. Oh, the places you'll go, wide and far. Second prize is a wonderful thing. Ting-toslers and bing-boslers with bells you can ring.

Starting point is 01:38:34 If you sell less than that, I think you should know. Third prize is you're fired, so go, dog, go. You want to keep your fucking job? Then repeat after me, you cocksucking slobs. A is for always. B is for be. C is for closing. Easy, you see.

Starting point is 01:38:51 You'll never forget it. I wrote it in chalk. Interested? I hope so, because it's fuck or walk. Always be closing in a box with a fox while wearing socks on a train on a plane in the rain or off in Spain. These leads are worth millions. It's true, we've price tagged it. So I ask, do you hear me, you fucking faggots?

Starting point is 01:39:11 Always be closing the fucking leads. The fucking leads to sell the fucking thneeds. Because fucking thneeds are what everyone needs. Their name on the line is what I must read. The thneeds are weak. The thneeds are weak? The Thneeds are weak? The fucking Thneeds are weak? You're weak.

Starting point is 01:39:29 You better start now. Start jumping these hurdles. Start stacking up sales like you're Yertle the Turtle. Otherwise, all you Sneetches and Hoos will be on the corner just shining my shoes. And when snow starts to fall and the weather gets frosty, you'll have no more dollars from the job that you losty. No presents or toys for little girls and scamps. You can't buy roast beast with fucking food stamps.

Starting point is 01:39:53 And you'll look at your daughter, sweet Cindy Lou Who, and you'll tell her it wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was you. At a certain point, we started opening the show with an opening slam, where we just reduced someone's very essence to a cruel footnote. It became a fun icebreaker of how many ways can we possibly be shitty to each other. Yeah, and you know what? We figured why not close the show with the opening of the show.

Starting point is 01:40:17 So we put together a super cut of all the opening slams. And you know what? Here's the 66.6 more of them to be on yeah thank you everybody who's ever listened to this show or come to a live thing or anything uh we're gonna keep on doing this as long as you guys keep loving it yeah and uh of all the things i've ever done in my life this is the thing that's made me the happiest and this is the thing that i'm the most proud of how funny would it be if we stopped doing it next week super funny oh what buried in a shallow grave with the bad audio network

Starting point is 01:40:45 Yeah I'm fifth banana On a sitcom Fuck this podcast I'm going to the CW bitch Yeah I'm not googling Any more weird things Fan fictions And making lists of them

Starting point is 01:40:54 And coming up with Pun based titles And trying to trick you Fat assholes Alright I'm on CBS The fat seemed unnecessary Was it? Yeah fair point.

Starting point is 01:41:06 All right. So enjoy this compilation of the opening slams. Thank you again for listening. Please tell your friends. Send them this episode. Badger them with it. Yeah, yeah. Go fucking spread the good word, all right?

Starting point is 01:41:14 We do this for you, and you really make it worth it. Yeah, and we'll see you next week. Mayonnaise Gumby. Mormon timeshare salesman. If you put the Frosty the Snowman hat on a white pudding cup. Teenage cartoon caterpillar. An autistic person's drawing of a twink. An anorexic cabbage patch doll.

Starting point is 01:41:32 Dennis the Menace with a ketamine problem. The world's only straight bottom. Transgendered Inland Empire soccer mom. Gay. Not Connor McSpadden. Yeah, not Connor McSpadden. Taylor Swift before puberty. Connor McSpadden Yeah, not Connor McSpadden Taylor Swift before puberty Connor McSpadden

Starting point is 01:41:46 Who's a cunt? A hefty bag full of cupcake stumps A hipster Sasquatch Al Madrigal at Coachella A lesbian juggalo White trash daisy duck Methadone Winnie the Pooh Proof that Trump has a point

Starting point is 01:42:00 Not as fun since I quit drinking Living on borrowed time and money West Hollywood Jimmy Neutron. A fetus made with too much cum. Faggy too dope. The human equivalent of spoiled gogurt. A ghost's tampon. A flesh dollop.

Starting point is 01:42:13 Gonna have to buy two seats on the River Ferry sticks. If Ursula turns Sugar Ray into one of her poor unfortunate souls. A sexual Dairy Queen manager. A power bottom with no power. Man-nourished pilgrim housewife. A flirt from the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Gay Parade. Arts and Crafts Hitler Youth. The least liked employee at a guitar center.

Starting point is 01:42:30 My third favorite roommate. The lump of coal in the gene pool stocking. A sexy possum. Live action Arthur the Yardvark. An old toddler. A cum barista. Oxycontin Dr. Seuss. The guy that sold your sister the Adderall that led to her death.

Starting point is 01:42:43 A knobby-kneed scoundrel. Fuck everything. God is dead. God, do we have a dumb podcast? This is real dumb. I love it.

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Mean Boys - EP 66 - The Best Of Mean Boys

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