Mean Boys - EP 68 - Ghost Viagra

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: http://www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "The Fudge Lord", "Tom Tompardy", “The Millenial Great Depression”, "Voicemails" and a game of “Which of the Following” with obscure wrestling matches by @DeathToTheFilth. Get the new Mean Boys Classic Logo T-Shirt, available for a limited time: https://teespring.com/mean-boys-classic-logo Come see our live shows, 7/21 during San Diego Comic-Con and 7/23 at a Denny's in Fresno CA: http://meanboys.eventbrite.com We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (http://www.eataburrito.com) Listen to Tom’s podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-t…d1197690915?mt=2 Listen to Connor’s new podcast with Adam Tod Brown: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1235651909 Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, it's Keith and Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. How we do, baby boos? Thank you for checking out this episode. No outside guests this week. We're just hanging out with the boys and Tom Goss. In the beginning of the show

we're going to drop a very special announcement about some shit we've been cooking for a while. Patreon. Yeah. In the meantime, we have live shows coming up July 21st in San Diego for Comic-Con at the Comedy Palace and July 23rd at a Denny's in Fresno, California. Yes, really. Yeah, most notably as the Slightly Better Bakersfield. That's how you may know Fresno.

Other than that, please take a second to review us on iTunes. Very, very easy. It takes a few moments and helps us. I just want to have more iTunes reviews than the podcast of my many enemies, and you guys are making that happen. This review comes to us from Bill Dithers, who writes, they use the C word a lot and don't know when to let a joke

die. We sure do, and we sure don't. Was that a five-star review? It was, yeah. Amazing. Other than that, this is just me, Keith, and Tom. We're playing some Tom Tomperty. We got some sketches. It's going to be a big, stupid episode, and we hope you like it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Every baby you've ever met will one day die afraid.

I'm Keith Carey. I'm Sam Goss. And I'm... Baby Dick Baby Driver. Oh, Baby Dick Driver Squared. Yeah, I don't want to see that movie because it's just going to give me hope for an alternate universe where I am cool. It is literally just watching Cool Connor. It's like, oh, Connor, but if you could dance and fuck a little bit.

I can do both of those things, kind of. This dude drives cars real well. You have totaled several cars that your parents gave you. You should see the way I back out of this driveway. It's kind of impressive. It's not as impressive as how you pull into it and hit the driveway. That movie's like... It happened once and it wasn't my car.

The main character's premature or something? Yes, it's about a two-pound baby that looks exactly like me. Yeah, it looks shockingly like her. And also, he also... I keep calling Baby Driver it. He kind of dances like you two, which is weird. Oh, really? Like, he stands up against the corner of the wall and checks Twitter?

Yeah, pretty much. I know you danced. I can dance. You dance. Like, I'll cut a rug every once in a while if it's very necessary. Like, with your foot? What do you mean, cut a rug? Cut a rug is a way of saying dancing.

Explain to me your Earth slang. If you're cutting rugs, you better be moving something heavy that might damage the interior of your car. Cutting the rug, is that like a violent lesbian? Isn't that like when you fart and some hair comes out? I was like, Jesus, I really cut the rug on that one. No, yeah, because everyone like, I should have started counting, but people on Facebook are just like, I love Conor McSpadden and Baby Driver. And then I posted the joke and it got like 140 likes just to get it fucking out of the way.

So I was like, I don't want to listen to it. And it continues to pour in. If it makes you feel any better, you got haha, you look like that sexy boy in that movie about fast cars. I get Chaz Bono. Okay. What's so sad about that is still. It's like if you're going to be cruel, at least be like contemporarily cruel. I get a lot of objects.

What object do you get compared to most? I mean, you guys. Well, I guess animals aren't objects. What's do you get compared to most? I mean, you guys... Well, I guess animals aren't objects, but then... What's up, PETA? How you liking the show? That's the same bold new fucking slogan. Hey, I don't eat animals. Animals aren't objects.

Hey, that's a positive thing to say, okay? It's a terrible Smiths album. Yeah. I don't know. That's all of them? Take that, Mort. What animal do you compare it to? I'm guessing badger.

Didn't you... Yeah, you guys compared me to one today. Any, like, subterranean mammal. Well, badgers are really persistent and hairy and, like, hunchy, you know? I love the British badger, or is it the English badger? The European badger is chill as fuck. Keith, I think... Keith's 100% a raccoon.

Yeah, I'll take that. Because he's very, like, you know... Adaptable. I love monkeys. Adaptable, but in an unflattering way, you but i have like the cute little band but i mean little rats survived the fucking uh i'm like for sure poisonous and dangerous yet inexplicably likable yeah i met i met a guy on stage last night who met his girlfriend at a party boat where he was dressed like a raccoon and i was like this is the most cute what animal would i be because this is

a i don't know if we talked about this. I feel like you're a meerkat. You're embryonic. Kind of. Oh, yeah, meerkat, yeah. You're sort of like lanky, just hanging in the back and just sort of observing and kind of sniping. Yeah, I'm either that or I'm one of those shoplifting monkeys in China that have gangs and shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm like the loner one that smokes cigarettes and, you know, just like broods while he eats a papaya.

I've gotten panda bear a lot. Bears in general. Yeah, well, we're bear-a-jays. Oh, my God. Tom looks like young Zangief from Street Fighter. It's important to note that it is 95,000 degrees in the studio, so we are all recording shirtless. Yeah. And pantsless.

I have never seen three just such wet men. Oh, yeah. It's incredibly moist in here. We're like porpoises now. Am I right? Am I right? Speaking of porpoises, let's get on to the porpoise of this announcement. Watch this segue. Speaking of wet, you're all going to be wet when you hear this exciting

announcement. Like a porpoise. God damn it, Tom. Oh, shut your blowhole over there. Yeah, you fucking Fisher Mabel. I forgot which one. You're a dolphin for a golfin i don't know i'm gonna put a golf ball in your mouth like that episode of seinfeld oh we're starting to fucking patreon everybody okay yeah dude yeah uh look we and when we started this podcast we're all like oh man i don't want to start a shitty pod there's nothing more embarrassing than having

a shitty podcast and we've been talking about it for a while they're like there's nothing more embarrassing than starting a shitty patreon but you know've been talking about it for a while. They're like, there's nothing more embarrassing than starting a shitty Patreon. But you know what? I think we have the most successful unsuccessful podcast. And I think... Oh, shit. Damn it. You have one job and you just reacted to it like you got electrocuted, you dumb idiot.

Wait. Did you activate that sound effect or was that just the computer breaking? Or was that just... I meant to press the... No, no. Okay, there's not... There's enough... Tom, shut up.

There's so much fat idiot sweat in your laptop, it's malfunctioning. This is the lead-in to us saying we're responsible professionals and you should give us money. Yeah, you don't want to invest in this operation, listeners? Why not? I was trying to safety pin a note to your shirt so your mom will have to deal with this. Do you understand? I'm very cross with you right now, young man. I'm sorry.

Anyway. Alright, everyone breathe. This could not have gone better or worse. We are starting a Patreon. We love making this show for you guys. We've been making it for free we love making it for free but uh daddy owes a lot of money to a lot of powerful people no i'm straight up we want we want to be able to do more cool shit we want

to make more show we want to have merch we want to do more live shows uh and so basically i mean yeah it's just all it kind of goes with the mean boys war chest you know which is yeah and you know not much of it really is going to be pocket money for us so much as it's going to be, you know, enabling us to invest in the cool shit we want to do. Like a working soundboard. Yeah, or like a real, you know, co-host. Yeah, the operation that turns Tom into a real boy. Like, yeah, we've got to get that crayon removed from his brain.

And we've just been putting it off and putting it off. GoFundMe declined us for plagiarism. I don't understand how that happened. But no, yeah, so there's different tiers like there always are. There are different fun rewards, of course. For a scant $5 a month, this is the main one. You get access to the bonus content. So every week we're basically going to do a whole extra segment of the show

that you can only get if you give us your fucking money. Yeah, and we'll do fun stuff. If you guys suggest things, we'll do it. It'll be a lot of weird, wacky shit. We already have some stuff planned. Yeah. Some of it is stuff some of you have been asking for for a while. So it's going to be pretty exciting.

So there will be some Mystery Tom Theater 3000. He's commenting on movies. There may be some Jaws footage. I saw that show. It was a dumb show. I couldn't get into it. I wanted to like it. All right.

Well, I might have already reached out to several of the cast members to be on this show. So maybe shut up. I was about to say the same thing. You know that show that's made by a bunch of people you're kind of friends with? Oh, I didn't know that. Can we edit that out then? Nope. Nope.

Nope. Staying in. You don't have to like everything everyone does. I'm sure there are people that I respect that think Mean Boys is fucking stupid. I don't care. Yeah, us. Yeah, it just wasn't for me. Well, anyway, instead of tearing down a show that has the most successful crowd, let's focus on ours that's going to raise $30,000.

And you know who else I hate? Joe Rogan and Marc Maron. And fuck that new Apple guy. Fuck veterans. Fuck sick kids. Fuck dogs. Fuck the concept of humor as applied to the joke format. Fuck games. Fuck games.

Fuck sounds. No. But yeah, that's the basic $5 tier. You're going to get access to all that bonus content. If you go into the $10 tier. You're getting yourself a goodie bag, folks. Yeah, we're going to be making new stickers and buttons and weird shit like that every month. Some of these designs have been teased up on the Twitter or whatever because I'm doing we i'm doing dumb photoshops but we stack pot a lot of them there's

some just fun kind of inside ones there are ones that are kind of more for everybody we got some mark maloy anime emporium stickers coming out some tom goss barack obama hope stickers so just a bunch of dumb shit like that you know for 10 bucks a month uh you'll you'll get some of that shit sent to your door some wristbands some fuck everything guys says wristbands are in the work so yeah uh and you'll you'll be appraised of what all that is and what's going on there. That'll be fun. If you go to the $25 thing, we're going to let you become pen

pals. Pen pals? Pen pals with the mean boys. We will also absolve all your sins and you'll enter Omega Level 8 or whatever. Yeah, exactly. It's starting to feel a lot more cult-like. Just shirtless, sweaty men in a room full of satanic memorabilia telling you about how much money they need. Like, look, for $25, we'll scream at your child until their soul is clean.

We'll get you some of the matching sneakers you'll need to go on to the spaceship heaven. Yeah. What else do we have here? For $25, we'll write you handwritten letters from all of us. And by the way, if you get a goodieie bag We'll write you a little handwritten note But I'm not going to fucking get into detail Addressing your various mental problems If you want that I'm going to need another $15

Dear listener The $50 one is where it gets pretty fun We're going to be doing the t-shirt of the month club Because you guys have actually been super stoked On the shirts that we've done so far I'm always flabbergasted knowing how many people there are Walking around with fuck everything god is dead shirts They can really only wear to, I guess, like...

Our shows. Yeah, pretty much, yeah. It's your laundry day shirt. Well, we're going to be making one every month, some of which will be less offensive than that, and some, I'm sure, will inexplicably be more offensive. Oh, yeah. And, again, we have many designs stockpiled, and they will come to light shockingly soon. Yeah.

And then our top tier, for $100 a month donation, not only do you get all that other shit and free access to any live show we ever do, you can also be on the fucking Mean Boys podcast. That's right.

I will figure out how to Skype you in. Yeah. And you can come, you can be a Mean Boy for a day. If you live close, maybe we'll bring you here. We'll just like blindfold you first

and throw you in the back of a van if you don't know where we live. Yeah, you'll get the whole experience. But yeah, we have all this stuff is going to be up on the Patreon. It'll be linked in the show notes. And yeah, it's just, look, help us make the show you like. Yeah, I mean, that's ultimately what it is.

I would love to get to a point where we could outsource some of this stuff and be able to do it twice a week. And I'm bummed that we can't do the show more. I just don't have enough time. I do all the technical stuff. We all write all the shit. And it's incredibly time-consuming to make 45 minutes of entertainment. Yeah, and we're not complaining. We love doing it. I do. It have enough time. I do all the technical stuff. We all write all the shit. It's incredibly time consuming. We make 45 minutes of entertainment. We're not complaining. We love doing it. I do. It's my favorite thing I've ever done. Frankly, I want

this to be our biggest thing. Yeah. If you guys can donate anything, we'd greatly appreciate it. If not, go fuck yourself. No, I'm kidding. We still love you. Anybody who listens, look, no one knows what it's like to not have money more than us. Truly.

Truly. We frequently have to lend each other amounts of money that are like less than what a kid gets for his allowance. We're in a haunting reality right now where of the three people at this table, Tom might be the most financially stable. Yeah. Last night I napped in my car outside at Denny's and I had $16 in my bank account. So this is not some like Rothschild operation. So yeah. So we're not going to bug you too much. We're trying to bum money off you but yeah if you can help uh please do uh we're excited

to grow this fucking operation uh and we have a lot of really really cool stuff coming up in the future uh and just the the last announcement before we just get back to the show uh fucking we got two live shows coming up comic-con fresno ticket links will be in the show notes on the event pride page and uh the response to those has been overwhelmingly existing yeah i thought it was Two live shows coming up. Comic-Con, Fresno. Ticket links will be in the show notes on the Eventbrite page. And the response to those has been overwhelmingly existing. Yeah. I thought it was going to be like one dude that we already know down there. But yeah, it's been fucking crazy. Yeah.

Some of those shows are going to be a lot of fun. And we have some really stupid shit planned. Yeah. It involves hot wax and clothespins. It's going to get sexually aggressive. Indeed it will. So what do you say? I think it's time to actually make something

of some entertainment value. How about we kick off the Mexican joke off, gang? Aye, so topical. Wow, not only punctual, but early. Aye, so topical. There it is. I'll kick it off this week. Donald Trump visited Poland this week,

presumably to get advice on how to efficiently outfit the U.S. Navy submarines with screen doors. Pollock jokes are maybe my favorite racist jokes. You never get to whip them out anymore. Yeah, I guess that's true. That's vintage racism. Yeah, there are fewer polls than there used to be. That's like racism that you could sell on Pawn Stars, you know? A 73-year-old woman hit the accelerator instead of the brakes while driving and ended up flying airborne into a pool.

Just once again proving the age-old stereotype, cars can't fly. Tom, get out of my office. Yeah, like every Tom joke is like you go through a haunted house and at the end someone just gives you like a cookie dipped in barbecue sauce. And you're like, what? I don't understand any of this. You go through a haunted house and in the last room Santa is there for some reason. Yeah, and you're like, wait, what? But not like scary Santa, just regular ass Santa.

Yeah, and he's like rolling a cigarette. Okay, the Trump administration is signaling a move to fulfill its campaign promise of refilling Guantanamo Bay with, quote, bad dudes. Currently on their most wanted list is that guy your sister dated for a while in high school and Johnny Depp, probably. Every family has a sister that, like, oh, yeah, and then, you know, there was Brandon, and he was, like, five years older than her, and we just don't really like to think of her. I think I was that sister in the family. I used to be. The wife of Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee passed away this week of natural causes. In related news, the spirit of Jack Kirby was seen hovering near her grave while taking a handful of Ghost Viagra.

Wait, Stan Lee died? No, Stan Lee's wife. Stan Lee's wife did, and Jack Kirby is going to fuck her ghost in hell. Ghost Viagra. Jack Kirby's not going to hell, all right? No, he's just taking a trip down there to meet her. Is Stan Lee's wife a bad lady? I don't know, but I just like the idea of Stan Lee being punished.

I mean... I love Stan Lee, but my boy... Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, that is a joke that matters to maybe four people. Oh, yeah, 100%. I cared when I thought it was Stan Lee that was dead, but not really. No, no.

Did you know that Stan... Yo, that is going to be an international day of mourning in this house. Yeah, I usually miss those. Here's a fun fact. Stan Lee's actually the highest-growing actor of all time because of his cameos in Marvel movies. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. It's so interesting. That's so funny. Tom Goss.

Okay. A swarm of flying ants stormed Wimbledon, making it very difficult to play in those conditions. Amidst the suffering, one player said to another, Hey, usually it's a storm of wasps that ruin everything here. Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Oh, shit. Was that joke a car? Because it didn't fly. Well, you really confused the brake with the ability to be funny on purpose.

You want to break something and redeem yourself? Wait, you want me to break something? Oh, yeah. Don't touch anything. Yeah. Stop it. No. God, don't.

No. Put it down. Put a chair towards the window. Okay. I'm just trying to be helpful, fuckers. You're doing a physical act out on an audio medium, you dumb shit. And you're also turning this into a fucking WWE event. I perform for my friends.

Zangief is strong. Someone pointed out the white Anglo-Saxon Protestant for Wasp is redundant. They're already white. I know they're Anglo-Saxon. They're Asps. They're WPs. But Asps are like cool snakes. Asps?

Yeah. Really? It's an Egyptian snake. It's like one of the most poisonous snakes. I thought there was just like a pejorative term for Yu-Gi-Oh! players. All the fucking asps are out today, I tell you. Alrighty. A U.S. mint worker has been placed on leave after putting a noose on a black co-worker's chair.

Management within the plant said they knew something was up with the employee when he refused to make pennies. I get it. Abraham Lincoln's on the penny. Oh, he works for the pennies? I get it. Abraham Lincoln's on the penny. Oh, he works for the Mint and they make the money. That guy. Do you know it costs more than a penny to make a penny? It costs two cents to make one cent. Yeah, yeah. What a country! I'm being my least favorite version of myself

which is derail the humor for some fun facts. No, actually, I like... you're smarter than me, so I like information. I only can attach information to my brain that is vaguely amusing. So it's never like, okay, how do I do CPR? It's always like, Rutherford B. Hayes actually invented the modern day ice cream sundae. That amusing chestnut Rutherford B. Hayes. True. Oh, here we go.

Craft store Hobby Lobby was caught smuggling stolen Iraqi artifacts into the U.S. Their plan was thwarted by that arts and crafts archaeologist, Indiana Joanns. That's the stupidest thing I ever wrote. That's the dumbest gayest shit. I loved it. When I would go to Joanns Fabrics, my mom, like, sews and does a lot of, like, work with, like, textile materials or whatever. And I remember going to the bathroom, and I'm like, there are gang signs carved in the toilet of this Joanne's Fabrics. Like, who's banging at Joanne's?

Like, who's like, yeah, we came to get some commemorative bandanas for little Shorty's passing, and then, you know. Well, at the same time, what do you think they get their bandanas? I'm just picturing, like, you're walking down the street in a bad neighborhood and a car rolls up and you see, like, the fucking gun

come out the window but it's got googly eyes on the side. No, it's a glue gun. Elmo's motherfucking... All right. Uh-oh. I'm so excited.

Rapper Macklemore surprises Grandma on her 100th birthday by putting her in his music video. Finally, Macklemore has found his target audience, women too old to hear anymore. Hey, you take that, Macklemore, from the guy who's fatter than you and has the same haircut. No, he's more pelican-y. What? His hair. He looks pelican-y?

He's very seagull-ish. This is a different haircut. I don't know why I'm taking a stance on this I didn't mean to derail everything No, it's fine I'm actually upset I was just trying to feel like How do pelicans' hair look? I mean, technically they're feathers

But they just look more like I don't know Don't condescend to me while you're condescending to me Alright? We don't have the time Don't doubleescend to me while you're condescending to me, alright? We don't have the time. Don't double down on this. A police dog died of heat stroke after

being left in a locked patrol car. On the bright side, we finally found a way to get white women to take to the streets and protest police misconduct. Damn, that's good. Correct? Oh, no. Famed basketball coach Bobby Knight is under investigation for sexual assault. In a statement to the press, the NBA said, quote, We are shocked to hear the upsetting news that one of our coaches is behaving like one of our players.

They don't do anything to fix the problem. Women get hurt. Anyway. Hey, join our Patreon. Yeah, we're going to have to give some to the ACLU because we feel bad. Okay. A man who tried to open the door on a plane during flight was knocked out with two bottles of wine. Afterwards, a sassy stewardess twirled a cabernet, saying,

Sometimes people need to hit the bottle too hard. I can't believe Samir Suri on here last week isn't the one that said twirled the cabernet. I can't believe you knew those words. My mom likes wine. Oh, okay. And she's sassy.

I feel like someone else wrote these jokes, like, in your sleep, in your sleep, and then you took credit for it. He's got those elves that made shoes in the old story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like you fall asleep in front of the computer. I thought all these jokes were terrible. Oh, I love them. Speaking of which, the Australian government withheld greenhouse gas data to hide a rise in emissions.

To hide it, they put it somewhere no one in Australia would ever look. Inside a book, inside a shower, inside a store that only sells very small knives. Oh, I love Dr. Seuss. Welcome to Very Small Knives Emporium. Yeah, it's just for, like, letters and maybe, like, getting stuff out of, like, a little crevice or whatever. Like, neither of us knew how to do an Australian accent. That's not a knife. This is a knife.

Bop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop. And this is a spoon. What? And final round. Venus Williams is in hot water after being involved in a fatal car accident. If found to be at fault, she could be charged with looks like a manslaughter. Oh, man.

You're getting yourself into some... Who's the one that said Leslie Jones looked like a man? Oh, that was Milo Yiannopoulos. No, he said she looked like a gorilla. Oh, that's a different thing entirely. I met Leslie. She called me a motherfucker

and then said I was funny. She was very nice. That's nice. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, on the final episode of the Mean Boys podcast, the penultimate joke.

You guys look way more like gorillas than Leslie Jones. That's a fair point. I take pride in it. All right, Tom is saying something to me in sign language that I can't decipher. Looks to be cheese related. We lost something here. Our innocence. Okay.

Joey Jaws Chestnut set the world record for hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes at 73.5 hot dogs and buns or two Keith Carey lunches. God damn it! How did I not see that?

Sorry, bud. I was too busy getting distracted by his funny name to see the... Joey Jaws Chestnut. Joey Chestnuts. Joey Chestnuts. That is like a name that Keith would make up for like a cooking show sketch that no one will remember.

Hey, I'm Joey Chestnuts here to fill your cheeks full of nut. Yeah. You cracked my code? Yeah, he cooks with jizz. Yeah, shut up. I have one trick. All right, let's start writing that later. China has introduced new internet censorship laws

banning depictions of homosexuality, addiction, and prostitution. Now if citizens of the communist superpower want to see these things, they will have to watch their gay-ass power-addicted government sell their bodies for a future that will never come. Oh, shit! I just got sacked because I assumed that was going to be about me. No, no, no, no. You laughed just because it wasn't about you.

I didn't get the joke at all. You know, why fight back against your friends when you can fight back against fascism with a human face? Yeah, I mean, it's really great to fight against a government that can't do anything to me. It totally is, yeah. No, China's a dude who lives in America. Fuck China.

Yeah, China just installed the largest solar power plant in the world, but they made it shape like a cartoon panda, so it's literally fascism with a cuddly, wuddly face. That's adorable. Oh, it looks cute as fuck, but you're like, oh, yeah, there's a bunch of... Pull up the aerial photo. It's just a picture of Tom. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's really hot, but I guess I'm making like...

Yeah, work will set you free or whatever. I guess I'm making like a spark factory or some shit. Yeah, we're throwing fire into super fire. we make the sun here okay and on that note uh the mean boys will return shortly thank you one and all for attending the wichita county fair's 46th annual bake-off every year we invite the best bakers in the tri-county area to present their tastiest treats and out of the dozens of entries we've narrowed this year's contestants down to three finalists. Now before we make our decision, we want to take a moment to chat with our top

three bakers. First up is Wichita's own Betty Jenkins. Thanks for being here, Betty. Thanks for having me, Kosh. I'm just so excited. And standing next to her from Salem, give a warm welcome to Chester Martindale. Pleasure to be here. And rounding out the finalists from checking the paper here, it just says, the vast and incomprehensible fudge scape. Anyway, give a warm round of applause for the Fudge Lord. I am the Fudge Lord. By my hand, the fudge is dispensed. If I am absent from reality, so too shall the fudge be absent.

This is unacceptable. I am the fudge lord. Well, we're sure happy to have you. Now, Betty, what have you got for us today? Now, this here's my world-famous peach cobbler. It's a secret family recipe that I got from my mama, and she got from hers going all the way back to the 1800s. Well, that's really something. How about you, Chester? Well, I'm not normally much for

cooking, but I've been known to whip up a coffee cake that the fellas down at the auto shop where I work seem to like quite a bit. And how about you, Fudge Lord? I am the Fudge Lord. I have harnessed and distributed all variables of fudge. Standard fudge. Standard fudge deluxe. Not fudge. Your tongues weep for fudge. And through my grace, they shall receive it. I am the fudge lord.

Oh, you're an intense fella. I am the fudge lord. I am not a fella. I am the fudge lord. Well, I a fella. I am the Fudge Lord. Well, I suppose the only thing left to do now is to have a taste test and crowd a winner. I am the Fudge Lord. The taste test is irrelevant. I have many scientists, and they have analyzed the data. All outcomes are favorable to the Fudge. It is inevitable. I am the Fudge Lord.

Well, now, you're not being a very good sport there, are you, Mr. Fudge Lord? Mr. Fudge Lord was my father. Please, call me the fudge lord. I am the fudge lord. Well, that's a damn fine cobbler, Betty. Well, thank you kindly.

Now on to Chester's coffee cake. That's very good. Is that a hint of nutmeg I'm picking up there? You got it. Outstanding. And now we move over to the Fudge Lord. I am the Fudge Lord. Activate your fudge intake protocol.

That's, uh... God damn, that's incredible fudge. I am the Fudge Lord. It is atomically perfect fudge. Every molecule acts in service of the greater fudge. I am the fudge lord. It is atomically perfect fudge. Every molecule acts in service of the greater fudge. The scientists have confirmed this. I am the fudge lord. I'm sorry, but I can't sit here and watch this anymore. I am the fudge lord. Please explain. This is insane. Does nobody else see the madness in what's happening right now? Fudge is not a baked good. It's more

of a candy than anything, isn't it? Error! Error! Thou shalt not judge the Lord of Fudge. You see dissent against the Fudge. You are a liability and you must be removed. Whoa, hey, hey, hey, Mr. Mr. Fudge Lord, I was just joshing. Now please

put the gun down. I am the Fudge Lord. The process will be swift. You will feel pain. Oh, God, it burns. Oh, it burns my bones. Fudge protection protocol complete. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. Did you just kill Chester?

He is not dead. Only repurposed. His carbon has been harnessed. The carbon creates heat. The heat creates energy. The energy creates motion in the turbines. The turbines create the fudge. This is the truth of the fudge war.

Well, you know, in all my years of being a county fair taste tester, I've never seen a contestant de-atomize someone before. It's unorthodox, certainly. But I'll be damned if that's not the finest fudge I've ever tasted. The winner is the Fudge Lord! I am the Fudge Lord! You shall have no other lords before the Fudge Lord! This outcome is mandatory!

The fudge is life! The fudge is the alpha! The fudge is the omega! In the absence of the fudge, there was only the Boy. I am the Fudge Lord. The Mean Boys podcast is back, and we are back for

I think we decided this is our either third or fourth or fifth favorite game involving words that I say and descriptions in the form of a Jeopardy game. Give it up for Tom Jeopardy.. Give it up for Tom Jeopardy. Alright, yeah. This jingle is

a good 60 seconds long. Okay, you just gave us a taste. I also like that you didn't pick the exciting opening of the show one. You picked like the... No, not our show, the show Jeopardy, of which you are presenting a parody. No. For any new listeners,

just very brief, Tom has an insane brain. He describes things in a parody. No. Sorry. For any new listeners, just very brief, Tom has an insane brain. He describes things in a very strange way. Swans, sexy geese. Yeah. Gravy, biscuit ketchup. Yes.

So we've reverse engineered that into a game of Jeopardy where he gives us categories and things that we have to try and figure out what the fuck Tom is talking about. So, you know, if the category is sex

and he says, you know, boom, boom, stinkies, that's like, you know, fart porn or whatever. You really bought yourself a new corner. Well done. Yeah. Boom Boom Stinkies. Boom Boom. Welcome to Boom Boom Stinkies, home of the boomy back ribs.

Name's Boom Boom Stinkies. Been riding these rails since 19-double-I-five. All right. Ain't had nothing to eat but a can of beans. My own pee. So are you guys ready for your categories? I reckon more than anything in the world. All right.

Your categories are emotions. Talk into the microphone, you jackhole. Emotions, dinosaurs, Disneyland, and great Americans. Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. Okay, Tom has like two emotions.

So I'm assuming there are going to be a lot of synonyms for rage. Angry and super angry. Great Americans. I pretty much think he only likes Edward Snowden and us in terms of Citizens of America. I'm calling it right now. I guarantee you one of these Great Americans is not American. And one of these Disneyland things is a Knott's Berry Farm, right? Yeah, who doesn't love Winston Churchill?

All right, I'm going to take the board up top. He's my favorite. I'm going to say Disneyland for 100. Disneyland for 100. Oh, this is bullshit. I know nothing about Disneyland. Splash. Oh, fuck.

Well, I think I know what it might be. Okay. All right, I'm going to rearrange some shit here. Pumpy for three minutes. Space Mountain. No. Matter Mountain. No. The Matterhorn. No.

Indiana Jones was the correct answer. Damn it, I knew that was it. Bullshit. Does that go to Connor then? It stays to me. It stays to you. Disney for 200. Disney for 200.

Are you keeping track of the score? I forgot that we need to do that. You guys keep track of your score. Yeah, we'll just keep track of your own score. For 200, The Weepy Hooker Ride. Pirates of the Caribbean. Points. Fuck me.

That is the most fucked up thing in an amusement park, is just have a line of prostitutes. Well, you know they're taking it out, right? That's more upsetting. It was a huge noose. Wait, there's a Confederate general in the Pirates of the Caribbean, right? Wait, what? No, they're taking out those Confederate general statues. All right.

Disney for three. Disney for three. Wet, sloppy, flying titty, better with white t-shirt drop. That'd be Splash Mountain. Correct. What the... Speaking of Confederate imagery. This is so bullshit.

Like, if you're going to do a Disneyland category, you need to have, like, a Yu-Gi-Oh! one. I'll get off it. I'll go to Emotions for one. I'll get off it. I'll go to emotions for one. Emotions for one. Hulk's diesel. Oh, irritation. No. Anger. Correct.

Irritation. Don't make me irritated. You wouldn't like me when I'm irritated. That's the most famous quote in Hulk lore. You're going to hate me when I'm annoyed. I thought anger was going to hate me when I'm annoyed. I thought anger was going to be too obvious and I thought the fuel for when he gets irritated

and then he gets angry. I'm completely wrong and I'm sorry. Hulk Diesel is my favorite porn star. Hulk Diesel. That's Keith Grinder profile. Keith Grinder is sweeping right now. Keith Grinder. Friends of Boom Boom Stinky Emotions for two

That didn't happen but it happened Trauma Denial Correct God damn it I am getting my ass kicked Dinosaurs for one Dinosaurs for 100.

Megabird. Pterodactyl. Correct. Fuck. Keith controls the board. Did anybody else hear a child? Yeah, there's a child screaming about something. Welcome to Echo Park, folks.

Other people live in this neighborhood. All right, cool. They're going to learn today. Dinosaurs for two. Dinosaurs for 200. World's First Gang. Velociraptors. Points! Boom! On the board. Tribe Dynamics.

The Crips, the Bloods, and the Raptors. Alright, fuck it. Dinosaurs for 300. Stab You Ass. Oh, shit. I know it. I don't know the name of it. Put him on a ass. Oh, shit. I don't know the name of it. Put him on a timer. Dilaposaurus.

I think that's an organ. Stegosaurus, you trick-ass bitch. I thought there was another one that had the knife on his tail. I know it's Stegosaurus. God, fuck. I'm so... You seem furious. Great Americans for one.

I'm really irritated right now, guys. I'm kicking the shit out of you. I know. Great Americans for 100. Fucking'm really irritated right now, guys. I'm kicking the shit out of you. I know. Great Americans for 100. Fucking shit. Tall hat dead guy. Abraham Wingen. Points.

Holy shit. How are your fat arms so quick? Aerodynamic, baby. 200 for Great Americans. Great Americans for 200. Fat, blind, lightning bitch. Ben Franklin. Points. Great Americans 300

He just had gout He wasn't like all the way blind Fat, blind, lightning bitch Why'd you call him a bitch? I don't like him Why don't you I just Fight yourself right now

I'd burn myself on one of his stoves Yeah, you've ruined a perfectly good kite. Why don't you like Benjamin Franklin? I don't like anyone who's famous for doing the dumbest thing possible, which is flying a kite. Shut the fuck up, you hypocrite. Yeah, stop stealing my thunder, Ben Franklin, or stealing my lightning, Ben Franklin.

Oh, my God, Ben Franklin. Or stealing my lightning, Ben Franklin. Oh my god. Great Americans for 300. Powder wig ice river fight guy. George Washington. Points. Great Americans for 400. Great Americans for 400. We've got to get back on the board.

Mr. Lawn Paint. Mr. Lawn Paint? Mm-hmm. Fucking shit. Lawn Paint. This is going to be something ridiculous. I am going to be so... I'm going to make a really weird guess.

Okay. And I'll explain my logic if I'm wrong. John F. Kennedy. Points. It's why I think it is, right? Oh, because his brain matter? Why couldn't you call him Mr. Dress Designer? That's so fucking funny.

Keith is on a roll. God damn it, that's funny. Fuck. Both of you. Disneyland for 400. Disneyland for 400. Disneyland for 400. Drop it old school. Drop it old school?

Tower of Terror? Points. Oh, okay, because they got rid of it, right? And now it's old school. It was a drop,

yeah. It's still there. I'm going to be so pissed if it's the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm going to be so pissed if it's the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm going to be pretty pissed if the next one is also George Washington because he's in the Hall of Presidents. All right, I'll do Great Americans for $500. The Hall of Presidents actually isn't at Disneyland. It's at Disney World.

All right, Great Americans for $500. Not in Adam's Apple. Wait, what? Not in Adam's Apple. Okay. Thomas Jefferson? No. I do not.

I got nothing. Three, two... Can I guess again? No. You can guess again, but you won't get the points. Is it John Adams? Yes. What? Well, I thought not an Adams apple. I was like again, but you won't get the points. Is it John Adams? Yes.

What? Well, I thought not an Adams apple. I was like, it's either John Adams or Thomas Jefferson. I thought it was going to be something with a chick, but I couldn't figure out what. Oh, that makes sense. The John Adams. No, no, that would have been fucking, he would have gotten two people mixed up like, yeah, the Waddle Lady flag ho.

Yeah, no, John Adams. He's that guy who shot an apple off someone's head. All right. Oh, I control the board. Yeah, that's right Adams. He's that guy who shot an apple off someone's head. All right. Oh, I control the board. Yeah, that's right. Dinosaurs for three? Dinosaurs for... I think we're on dinosaurs for four. Dinosaurs for four.

Or are we on for four? No, we are on for four. You want to do four? Yes. Okay. Tard head midget hands. T-Rex. Points.

Man, I'm coming back, kind of. Okay, yeah, that's good, man. You're still down. All right. He's got a good run, though. I honestly don't know how many I have. Have you not been scoring it at all? I lost track.

Okay, cool. Dinosaurs for 500. Dinosaurs for 500. Giraffe monster. Brontosaurus. Points. Shit. Disney for five. Disney for five.

Disney for 500. Did we already do that? No. Okay. Weird, colorful animals. It's a small world. No. Fuck.

Oh, the fucking Tiki Room. What's that? The Tiki Room. No. Oh. But I feel like you should get partial. It was Toontown. Oh, okay. That kind of works. Oh partial it was Toontown shit Toontown

sounds like a ghetto they make and like who framed Roger Rabbit's that's exactly what who framed Roger Rabbit is about is it really yeah you never seen who framed Roger Rabbit not since I was like a child it's yeah it's a film noir with the ghetto they go into is Toontown oh really yes it's a fantastic movie okay

well fuck me but at least you got the joke they made. I did, yeah. I like that you were trying to be funny. You accidentally just wrote Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I'm sure it's subliminally left or whatever. What's left? So, what is left?

Emotions. We haven't done emotions. Emotions, three through five. That's it? Okay, emotions, three. Emotions for three. Truth Shroud. Lying. No. That's not our emotion.

Truth Shroud. I know that, but I didn't think you knew that. Confusion. No, happiness. Upsetting. I'm so happy we saved that one for later. When I am blinded by the light of joy, I know not the sights of despair

that are around us at all times. 400. Okay, moon gut. Moon gut? Mm-hmm. Oh, fuck. Oh, what? What?

Horniness. No. Courage. No, it was sadness or depression. Moon gut? Explain. I was thinking you go into heat like a horny werewolf or something. Why is moon gut depression?

I don't know. When I'm depressed, I feel like my stomach kind of like scrunching in, and the moon looks like the dark. If you look at it at the right angle, full moon, it looks like the darkness is pushing the moon away. I realize it's a little bit more abstract and maybe only related to feelings I feel. I didn't know that. I want to draw a children's book that is just like

the style of Goodnight Moon, but it's Tom describing depression and the moon. Goodnight, cruel world. We have an episode time. Mr. Moon Gut. Goodnight, friends. Goodnight, mom. Goodnight, comedy, where I bomb. I'm going to say

500 emotions. Last one. 500. The ultimate cock tease. What is love? No. What is hope? Points.

Oh, shit. How do you like that shit? That's a good poll. Yeah. No, I mean, I really got a lot of insight from the moon gut answer. That was your JFK paint my lawn moment. You know what I just realized? I missed double tompardy.

It was supposed to be moon gut, so it didn't really matter. It never has mattered once. We've never kept score. Nor have you ever truly figured out what it was. Are you guys ready for your final solution? I am, yeah. He definitely got more than you. Do you want to say you have 1,200, you have 1,000?

I think that's fair. I have for sure more than that, but yes. Then let's 1,300. got more than you. Do you want to say you have 1,200, you have 1,000? I think that's fair. I have for sure more than that, but yes. Then let's 1,300. It doesn't matter. Just read the question. Okay. All right. Your category is shirts.

Okay. I'm so mad. What is the clue? I'm extraordinarily displeased. Are you guys going to write down how much you're waiting? Yes, I will write it down on my phone. Read the clue and then play the jingle. Okay. Tablecloth suit.

That would have been where you would play the jingle. That's fine. There you go. Tablecloth suit. Tablecloth suit. Fuck, there's so many different things that this... Okay, the category is shirts, right? Yeah.

Tom is doing a very upsetting naked chicken dance right now. Tom looks like kind of fat but kind of ripped like a guy from the 30s. Yeah, no, that is my body type. Is anyone with a curly mustache who could lift like 100 pounds and then died at 40? All right. I was trying to get a video of that on the sneak, but I only got the last chicken arm flap. Do you have your guess, Connor? I do.

I wagered $1,000, and I guessed a flannel shirt. Okay. You were supposed to tell me if he was right, but I wager everything, and I said a flannel shirt as well. Okay. Is flannel different than plaid? I wrote plaid first. And then I didn't think you would know what plaid was. Well, here's the problem.

Flannel is a type of shirt. Plaid is a pattern. Okay. I think you guys get the point. I think you lose. We win. You, I think you have to read the dictionary. And then after that, the show will come back.

This is Space PBS. Fifty years ago, in the fall of 2017, a major financial crash brought an entire generation of Americans inexperienced with hardship to their knees. Today, we sit down to talk with some of the survivors of the millennial Great Depression. Some were put through hell due to the decisions of their parents. Yeah, when the hoverboard markets dropped out in 16, Daddy lost all his Bitcoin, his startup went under, and he started hitting the vape pretty hard.

He was going through two, three bottles of juice a day, and his smoke rings still weren't coming out clean. Back then, we thought it was safe, but now he has to talk through a hole in his jeans others were misled as they sought to make a better more flexible life for themselves yeah we saw facebook ads saying there was good money out in california driving for uber and my fiance and i we packed up the prius and headed out to what we thought was the land of almond milk and stevia but when we got there we realized our Prius was salvaged title, and we had to drive a lift. The children of these enterprising, young, sharing economy workers were hit especially hard.

I mean, we didn't have much money growing up, so the kids at school always treated me a little different. I mean, do you know how hard it is to make friends when you're texting with the android emojis? The eggplant doesn't even look like a dick. And even those who did manage to find a piece of the changing economy to call their own found disaster lurking around every turn. Man, five million followers, sponsorship deals, tween pussy, I had it made, man.

Then one day, the loops just stopped coming, man. I was swinging through life without a care in the world, and Twitter shut down the platform, and that vine snapped and sent me careening right into the jungle. I had to move out all my Funko Pop toys and Airbnb, my pool house was humiliating. I almost had to get a real estate license. Dude, I couldn't even keep my nanny,

and for months I was cooking my own blue apron. It was really scary. When we come back, we'll have shocking images of the avocado toast lines and graphic designers standing outside a Kinko's waiting for a metal band to commission a flyer. The Mean Boys podcast returns after Tom took a ferocious shit break

in the bathroom that adjoins the studio. I can't digest fat right now, so I'm sorry. I can't digest your fat ideas. The smells in this studio right now are ghoulish. It feels like we're in a jacuzzi full of filth. A filth jacuzzi. This is what Dante wrote about this. I'm sorry we made a podcast.

I'm sorry. I did a poop to it close'm sorry we made a podcast. I'm sorry. I did a poop. I did a poop close to where we do the jokes. Next time, I'm just going to shit on your laptop. Here, good luck swiping the blood out of your keyboard. I like that Tom was like, my sound effects will still work better than yours. I like that Tom was like,

I don't want to talk about this on the air. We're like, yeah, totally. And then we immediately made fun of him pooping off the air. I'm sorry. We'll start over. No, it's fine. It's all air. And we're like, yeah, totally. And then we immediately made fun of him for moving off the air. I'm sorry. We'll start over. No, it's fine. It's all right.

It's not you to do. Okay. We can start over. It's okay. It's all right. All right. The B-Boys podcast is back after Tom took a gnarly shit.

Okay. We're going to be playing some voicemails. We've got a few of these stacked up. If you want to leave us a voicemail, please do it. 304-805-MEAN. That's 6-3-2-6 for you fucking simpletons out there.

Let's hear what these listeners have to say, guys. Hey, you fucking, you motherfucker. Go to hell, you jackal fuck. Now. Okay. I like that. Now. That's the first voicemail.

That's like the police chief from a movie from the 70s. Hey, you fucking jackal fuck. You go to hell and you leave your badge and gun on the table. That's something you get drunk and leave on an ex-girlfriend's voicemail. He reminded me of the deputy from that one movie, Zootopia. That sounds like fucking everybody who watched Crank Yankers and the Jerky Boys and was like, I could do that, and it was really bad. Cut, cut, cut. Wait, the Jerky Boys are a real thing?

Yes. They're not a... I only knew them from... What's that show? The Jerky Boys? No, Arrested Development. Oh, yeah, no, that's a real thing. I thought it was just a dumb...

Okay, all right. Tom's learning. The more you know. The thing is that Jerky Boys should be something that we call you as an opening. He's definitely a beef boy. Yeah, you fucking Slim Jim dunce. All right, let's listen to this next one. Hey, I'm in, boys.

Hey, this is Medina all the way from Stephenville, Texas. I just wanted to say that I love the show, that I listen to it every day. It's part of my regular podcast, you know, rounds. Word. And if you boys ever come down to Texas, shit, man, I can stay at my place in my trailer. I can make some goddamn real fajitas. Don Juan's, Don Carlos's, whatever the hell it's called. But right here in Texas, man, I'm Mexican.

I know how to cook meat. And boy, if Keith ever lets me, man, I can ride that whole, or he let me ride. I care. I'm down. So keep up the good work, boy. I love this dude. That's actually what happens if you play Boomhauer's dialogue backwards.

I mean, boy, like, yeah, you're going to have some onions and peppers. I'm going to sodomize the shit out of you. Yeah, so I have a couple things to address. Number one, as soon as you hear that accent, hey, y'all, I'm from Texas. It's just like a game of we're all waiting for the N-word to drop. Yeah. No, I screened these, thankfully. Number two, did he say

he wants to ride my hole? I think so, yeah. I'm good. Well, I don't know. Is there a picture? There is. It's not great. Yeah, he left a picture with the voicemail. Okay. Is that a Jetsons phone? He dictated out the binary code to create the JPEG. He's trying to dictate me.

That's a Jetson. Are you trying to dictate me? I like the idea. We should do a show in his trailer. No. No, we're going to get Buffalo Billed. Yeah, we're going to do them at classy places like the back room of a comedy club and a strip mall and at Denny's in Fresno. Tickets available now. I'll perform in your trailer, dude.

Thanks for calling, Jesus. Yeah, hopefully he performs in his trailer. Keith's butthole is, you know, it's... Maintained. It's like getting to Mountain Doom. There's just fucking cliffs. Many have entered,

but few have left. People have thrown rings in there. What are they trying to win is stuff the animal? Step right up. Don't be shy. Throw your rings up in this buy. Yeah, this game's rigged.

I just wanted a Tom Goss plushie. Alright, next voicemail. Hey. That's it. What did I call you? His last act on Planet Earth was to have a stroke as he tried to call his game. Play that one more time.

Hey. Hey. It sounded like he was trying to call 911, then shit his pants. It's the sound of a man being abducted by aliens. And I'm like, I don't know what sounds he's making and what is, like, telephone distortion. Like, listen again. Hey. It feels like he was drunk and trying to call his ex-girlfriend and right when it got to the message, he realized it was us.

Yeah, this is where we're like... It's a fucking butter man calling us. Okay, next one. Hey, mean boys. It's Luis Galvez, a long-time listener, first-time caller. Just wanted to see

if you guys had any tips on getting rid of Jehovah's Witnesses from your front door. I do. I'd like to hear your thoughts. As always, keep up the good work and have a good day.

Bye. I like how we're all a little disappointed from somebody who called with coherent sentences. I know. Could you have also just made some weird fucking gut fart noises?

We have sane listeners that are productive members of society. Yeah, Louis Gava has actually designed our podcast art. Check him out on Twitter. Podcast art? You can see his Twitter where he does nothing interesting aside from contribute to this show. He's a good dude. Jehovah's Witnesses.

Tom, what's your thing? All right, so this is what my godmother did, and I witnessed many times. When they would show up, she would just go get her bottle of wine, smear her lipstick, give me a glass of wine, and then we'd invite them to drink with us,

and they would get the fuck out pretty quickly. I mean, that seems like overly elaborate, but a lot of fun. Oh, a lot of fun. One time on Halloween, this was when I was like 19. Or you blow them. I was getting ready to go out, and I had white, sort of like misfits

skull face makeup with an upside down cross on my forehead, and then there's a knock at the door, and I look out, and it's fucking Morton. And I just open the door, and I'm just like, yeah i'm just like yeah and they're like oh i'm like you want to come in they did not i i don't know they kind of just like threw the pamphlet in past me and then took off i never really had him come to my door and i was always bummed because i always wanted to draw a pentagram on my chest or something or do something silly but uh i i will say like when my when i saw my dad encounter these people in public i just i love the way my dad deals with strangers that are soliciting him because like someone like he was

those little orange bibles and he's like here take a bible and he just goes no you fucking idiot no get the fuck out of here my mom was really annoying because she like more annoying to me than to them but pretty annoying to them because she would invite them in, or she wouldn't even invite them in, in the doorway. She would then try to convert them to Buddhism while they're trying to convert them. That's like when two people that believe in conspiracy theories start talking, like, no, JFK was killed by monkeys. They both thought they were. Which is what I call Cubans because I'm Alex Jones. And then my dad would just scream at him and that got rid of him pretty

quick. Your dad is fucking terrifying. My dad is the nicest guy but you don't want to make him. I'll take the Hulk when he's angry over my dad because my dad The Hulk when he's irritated? Long range callback. One of my favorite moments was when he was going to get something

from storage and the guy came over and was like, hey man, you can't be here be here we're closed it's like a store when a store closes then it's over and my dad goes from being fine you're going okay the fuck out of here and then my dad this is when he was healthy grabs a couch and just flings it in the back of the truck and the guy's like whoa man calm down get the fuck out he just started screaming at this poor shoulder dude dude tom's dad looks like the villain in like a 90s action movie just like a deranged crazy general that's just blustering and full of hate but at the same time he is one of the nicest people just don't piss him off one time my dad told off the uh you know the teller at the

baker's drive-thru so i mean I mean, we both got pretty tough dads. This lady kept interrupting him. Like, do you want to add a milkshake to that? And he's like, no, I would like to get a number two. And then she's like, do you want to supersize your fries? And he's like, all right, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to order. You're going to take that down.

And then after that, you can ask me any questions you want to ask me. Does that sound good? My dad throws knives at the wall sometimes. I love that your guys' dad's just so clearly set up who you are. Oh yeah, no, completely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me is just a feat

and negative and then Tom's just like, yeah, one time he threw a spider at a nun. Very, very sweet until not happy. So yeah, just get your dad to take care of it, Lewis. All right, one last voicemail. Come, Mark. Hear my voice and tremble.

Because I, Kulak, the Skull Officer, it has been recently brought to my attention that your blood scenes have been interfering with my skull takers. Your quarters, taking the skulls of the poor swords that wander into their path in direct violation of the governance of the Neverkins. Therefore I am hereby sending you a cease and desist. Inscribed on the skulls of my fallen foes that you and your minions are henceforth to see all activities in skull harvesting or marrow sucking henceforth. Also, what's with you, man? You know, we used to

be really cool, but you changed. You know, what happened to the good old days when we could just kick back with a bottle of terra flesh wine and chill like two pain beasts in a pod. I miss those times. Gourath out. Oh, you got me. I

really enjoy the fact that whatever that Gourath was. Gourath sounds like a mix between early era Arnold Schwarzenegger and Badger from Breaking Bad. Was that addressed to you? That addressed to Karnak. How could you possibly

thought that was for you? I thought he said Tom in the beginning. No, he said Karnak. Play the first ten seconds. Karnak. You hear my voice? That sounded like Tom. No, it didn't, Tom. It sounded like Karnak. Play voice that sounded like Tom no it didn't Tom

it sounded like Karnak play it one more time Karnak hear my voice and tremble hang on is there somebody at the door I think

hello hola I am GORAC you dare attempt to legislate my marrow sucking? None tell Karnak how to suck marrow. It is a fucking marrow sucker's marketplace. I didn't think it out all the way through.

This is why we don't hang out anymore. Yeah, Karnak's just, like, going through some shit right now. So if you give him a space, I think he'll be fine. Yeah, I'm a moth. Okay. We brought the Moth Lord! He will regale you with stories! Greetings, Moth Lord! On the spot, explain your canon!

I'm a sad butterfly. Well, there it is. Well, that's about it! What I like about this guy is he really had a good handle of Karnak canon. It was pretty remarkable. Yeah, he did some good world building. All right, that's all the voicemails. Okay, bye.

We definitely did too many of them. I like how Tom was very clearly queued up for the fact that Karnak was to be entering the podcast, and he proceeded to interrupt and get confused when he showed up. Because we're like, is there someone at the door? What? I was like, yeah, I don't think so. Let me say something in a different language I don't know. I was trying to yes and you guys. I didn't know this was a setup.

Not since I kicked the train into the blood swamp have I seen something so effectively derailed. Ah, yes, and derailments are bad. Speaking of which, which of the following... Speaking of your improv treachery to me! Well, that transition was

almost as smooth as the Trump campaigns. Am I right, everybody? Hey, I'm going to say the N-word, Bill Maher. You made me look better there. Okay, this week's Wish of the Following comes to us from the dude I met in Indianapolis at Death to the Filth on Twitter, a lovely gentleman who's sent us a lot of stuff over the years, and we really appreciate it. So this game is going to be Wish of the Following.

It's not a real wrestling match type. That has actually happened. Okay. And it is harder than you might think. Wish of the Following is not a real type of wrestling match. Yeah, because they'll have money in the bank, steal kids. type that has actually happened okay and it is harder than you might think which is evolving is not a real type of wrestling match yeah because you know they'll have like you know money the bank steal kit like you know these are some variations that have taken place and some of these i didn't believe and i googled them and they are real i thought they called like ww1

two three four so no some of these are like some of these are like foreign some of these are like japanese like you know like wrestling okay i watched some Japanese wrestling at a hotel in Oklahoma. It's bananas. It's pretty dope. Japanese everything. Whatever they're like, oh, they'll do that. Someone could get hurt. They're like, yeah, we're going to do that.

And then we're just going to add spikes. Like, fuck, we're going to do that. And that guy just isn't a dude anymore. So let's begin. Which of the following is not a real wrestling match type that has actually happened? Number one, A, capture the midget match. B, bra and panties match. C, fans bring the

weapons match. Or D, ball gag and chain match. Oh, man. All of these sound like things we should do at the live show at Denny's. Bring your own BDSM implements. Oh, that'd be really funny. Can you run it one more time? Capture the Midget Match,

Braun Panties Match, Fans Bring the Weapons Match, and Ball Gag and Chain Match. Christ. What is a ball gag and chain? I don't know. What was B? B was Braun Panties Match.

Okay. The way I picture it is that both guys have attached to their neck a chain that goes to a ball gag that's attached to the other guy's neck. Oh, jeez. So they can't get that far apart. I'm going to say C, the fucking fans bring the weapons.

All right, and Tom? I'm going to say B. I guess it would make sense if maybe there were no bra and panties but no ladies, but I don't feel like... They pay hookers to dance to these and things, right? I never watched this.

No, there are women who wrestle, Tom. Yeah, there's a whole Netflix show that everyone won't shut up about it right now. Yeah. BoJack Horseman? Or it could be like... Okay, well, the answer is D. You're both wrong. I'm especially glad that Tom is.

The fake one is ball game chain match. That makes sense. Yeah. Moving on. Round number two, which is the following real wrestling match that has actually taken place. A, kiss my ass match, where you must force your opponent to kiss your bare ass. B, Taipei death match. Hands are dipped in glue, then rolled in broken glass.

Holy fucking shit. C, burning baseball bat match. Or D, electrified cage match. These are all so fucking metal. Dude, if that Taipei shit is real, we are watching that right after September. Oh, 100%, yes. What was C again?

C was Burning Baseball Match. That's going to be my guess. And what's A? A is Kiss My Ass Match. Must force opponent to kiss your bare ass. That sounds like something these people would do. The only group of people you can look down on are backyard wrestlers. So Tom is taking advantage of his superiority.

It is so funny to find out the weird things that Tom finds displeasing. Oh, yeah. Well, there are just things where Tom's like, yeah, look, having a pet bird is the most rewarding experience you'll ever go through. He's like, yeah, I just think that trains and the people that use them and have invented them are dumb. I love trains. I know, it's a bad example. Of course you do, most autistic stuff. Well, it's just there's no TSA.

B and D? B and D, type A deathmatch with a bare glass, and D is the electrified cage match. I'm going to have to agree with Keith, I think it's C. All right, the fake one, C, burning baseball bat match. Hell yeah, dude. Dude, electrified cage match sounds fucking awesome going to have to agree with Keith. I think it's C. Alright, the fake one. C. Burning baseball bat match. Hell yeah, dude. Dude, electrified cage match sounds fucking awesome. That sounds rad. And they should throw a dog in there, too.

Oh. I mean, not like a good dog. Like a bad dog. Like a very bad dog. Like a tough dog. Like a Snoop dog. I mean, yeah. I mean, if you believe the murders, but... Might not. Anyway.

Round number three. Blank on a pole edition. Which of the following is not a real wrestling match? A. Jockstrap on a pole. B. Mistletoe on a pole. C. Custody papers on a pole. Or D. Viagra on a pole. Did you write this?

Someone else wrote this. That's how the film wrote it. Custody papers on a pole is too good. That's too funny. That's the county fair food that Keith could never get his mom to buy him when he was young. Can I get some fried government protection? Yeah, I'll get you the gravy corn dog nunchucks, but we can't have the custody papers on a pole. What was A and B? These are really hard.

A and B. A is jockstrap on a pole and B is mistletoe on a pole. Yeah, I don't think they kiss each other. I'm going to go mistletoe. and B. A is jockstrap on a pole, and B is mistletoe on a pole. Yeah, I don't think they kiss each other. I'm going to go mistletoe. I'm going to say jockstrap on a pole. The fake one. A, jockstrap on a pole. Yeah, I don't know exactly what the object of that is.

Yeah. It's like, yeah, get this stinky fucking underwear before the other guy can't. Yeah, you know that thing you don't want? Work real hard for it. Or maybe you've got to hang a guy by his jockstrap up on a pole. That's pretty nice. Just like an ultra wedgie. In a Christmas special,

they just would beat each other up and make out or some shit? I don't know. I mean, we can look into it after the fact. Dude, wrestling sucks. That's amazing. Yeah, I watched some wrestling

in that hotel room and I was like, oh, this is just like Dragon Ball Z with fat fucking Radio Shack employees. I'm not better than this. It doesn't enter it.

I don't get it. Yeah. No, I mean, I literally don't watch movies because I'm like, it's not real. I'm not better than this. I just, it doesn't enter. I don't get it. Yeah. No, I mean, I literally don't watch movies because I'm like, it's not real. I have some very white trash tendencies, but not as evidenced by the fact that Tom is currently shirtless, sweating, and carrying a jug of water under his arm, which I imagine he will then play

like a member of the country. Yeah, Marie. That doesn't work in that kind of jug with water still in it, you asshole. Tom, Tom, everything about what you're doing

doesn't work. You fucking moron. Okay, moving on from the absent bear one man fucking orchestra. Round number four, which of the following

is my real wrestling match? Tom, you look like everyone who would kill a man in the parking lot of a gas station. Don't make your cute face. That doesn't make it better. That makes it creepier and more annoying.

Look, I'm getting irritated, and you would not like me when I'm pretending. Hulk Diesel. I'm going to go with crankiness. Oh, no, wait, no, no. Grumpy. I'm going to guess. Crotchety, dude. Round number four.

A, the crybaby match. Must put a diaper on their opponent and powder their bottom. What? B. I like that the heat is getting to us all right about now. Yeah. B, the bathhouse death match. C, Inferno match.

No, what? Bathhouse death match. That's some Greek shit. I don't think I have that app. Yeah, man. They shut down Bathhouse Deathmatch. And D, Dungeon of Doom match. Hit them one more time real quick. The cry of every match where you've got to put a diaper on them and powder their butt.

Okay. Bathhouse Deathmatch. Inferno match or the Dungeon of Doom match. I'm going to say Dungeon of Doom. I'm going to say Inferno match because I don't believe these people know three syllable words. The fake one. Dungeon of Doom match. Boom. That was my second one. Dungeon of Boom.

The Dungeon of Boom is the bathhouse one. No, the Dungeon of Boom is our fucking bathroom after you left that goddamn... I can't digest fat. It's not my fault, man. We know. You left like a minor Harry Potter mini-boss in there. You left the troll that he has to drop something on his head, you know?

Or put his wand in his nose. I wish my pancreas was killing it, too. Round number five. Writing notes to my doctor, dammit. It's not my problem. All right. All real or all fake Japanese deathmatch edition. A. No ropes, electrified barbed wire death match.

That's a lot. B, no ropes, barbed wire, C4 exploding barbed wire boards death match. C, barbed wire, electrified dynamite pool, double hell death match. I assume these are translated directly because this is some brilliant Japanese to American word continuity. I don't know. Or D, piranha deathmatch. Must get opponent into piranha tank. Closed barbed wire, covered

lid for 30 seconds. At that point, the barbed wire is overkill. This is just like a parade of just shitty, violent adjectives. Oh, yeah. This isn't all real or all fake, right? These are all real or all fake, yeah. I think it's knife floor, hand grenade, shark teeth,

murder, death, fuck you on a sesame seed bun. I'm going AIDS, bat, spike pit, mother-in-law, fire Christmas. Yeah, I'm gonna go with the one where you put a diaper on Dracula

and then she eats your baby. But only on a Tuesday. I'm going with werewolf hack the Wi-Fi password ball pinch match. Yeah, Solomon Grundy fucked my mom and then bezeled a bunch of money from my company. It was on a Tuesday. And then you do that, then you win the belt or whatever. All real. All real. All real.

Yeah, they're all real. I looked at that piranha match, watched a couple seconds. It was real gnarly. It was some gnarly shit. You don't say it wasn't a gentle piranha match? Indeed, it was not. No, it was a pretty cutthroat. Who is legitimately using piranhas in this day and age?

The Japanese. That's who. And God bless them for it. This is what happens when you take away a country's military. They get creative and scary. No shit. You think you gotta get your aggression somehow. There are people that just want to kill, and you know what?

You can either put them in a uniform or put them in spandex. Hey, some people want to rise up and some people just want to see the world burn. Alright, well Tom has melted into some sort of weird... Oh no. Sure. This week, you can catch me headlining the Ontario Improv

Tuesday, July 11th at 8pm. Check that out. That'll be a lot of fun. This weekend I'll be back at Flapper's Comedy Club in Burbank. And that's about it. Oh, and on the 18th in Orange County, our beloved Orange County, I believe our second biggest podcast market. Shockingly, guys. I don't know how we managed to get a foothold there. I'll be headlining a new

comic club, The Rec Room, in Huntington Beach, California, at 8 p.m. That's going to be a lot of fun. Great show, some fun comics on it, and I'll be doing about a half hour of bullshit for you guys. July 14th, I will be at Mint on Card Comedy in Burbank, California. July 16th, I will be at the Nerdist Theater at Meltdown Comics

on the Hard Times Live. And July 20... fucking shit on my dick. Where'd it go? It was actually kind of... Do you have another comic book store show you want to plug? Do you have another comic book store show you want to plug? Do I? Yeah, I think you just did two in a row.

Oh, yeah, I did. I was just kidding. July 28th, Friday, I will be at the Westside Comedy Theater for Unnecessary Evil at 8, and then at the Comedy Store at 10 o'clock for the Hella Show. My career is going so well, I didn't need to book shows this month. But I'll be at the Mean Boys live shows.

And he'll just be recovering from his horrible illness and his horrible friends. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram, gossgoss6, and listen to my podcast. Yeah, check out Who Told You That? Now doing some weekly updates. Those aren't on iTunes, so if you want to listen to those, you can go on SoundCloud. Eventually, they'll be on iTunes.

I wasn't going to say that. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to cut it out. It doesn't really matter. I might as well just throw them up. Yeah, well, yeah, it's the Tom Goss through the Bill Burr podcast where he just tells you about what he did that week. And it's pretty stupid. I love it. Yeah, well, yeah. It's the Tom Goss through the Bill Burr podcast where he just tells you about what he did that week. And it's pretty stupid. I love it.

It's dumb. Yeah. Other than that, check out those Mean Boys live shows in San Diego and Fresno coming up. Please, help us out with the Patreon. Leave us a review on iTunes, all that shit. And you support me as a world. And we're excited to keep making bigger and dumber things with you guys. Fuck everything.

God is irritated. Why, yo? everything. God is irritated. Why you?