Mean Boys - EP 7 - Reverberbation

Episode Date: February 5, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week's segments include "Mexican Joke Off", "Joe's Existential Crisis", "Which of the Following" and "Devil's Advocate". Our sponsors are Dr. Mortaro and the new show Passive Aggressive and Dumb. Follow the show on Twitter @meanboyspodcast and email us at [e-mail] Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-money-store/id515449028 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Joe Dosh. And I'm... Teenage Cartoon Caterpillar! You really are. You're like a fucking... There was some cartoon about a slacker caterpillar and the dad was like,

Why don't you get into your cocoon already? Like, whatever, dad. And then you're like, fuck. I have a hundred arms, and they all have shitty wristbands. I'm going to have a chrysalis of Green Day posters. Exactly. Although, I shouldn't slam you in such a way, because I'm realizing the three of us in our own individual way look like some kind of invertebrate.

We all look primordial. We really do. Just like in the Ancestors of Early Life page in the biology textbook. We all look like we oozed out of a bubbling pit. All right. Well, we're all hot and bothered. I sure am. I think it's ready for what's the name of this segment, Connor?

The Mexican Joker! Outstanding. Ramsey, you are fired for not discovering that earlier. That is fucking six podcasts down the drain. We're not enriched. Turn it back on for a second. Please. I saw time ago.

Good day, everybody. He's just a lonely Mexican man shouting that in a cave full of fucking Aztec heads. Just consulting a stone tablet. That was El Chapo at his new hideout. All right. Anybody want to go first? Oh, I'll take it away. All right. A Danish photographer staged a? Oh, I'll take it away. All right.

A Danish photographer staged a photo of a giraffe smoking a cigarette. The giraffe then threw on a leather jacket, hopped on a motorcycle, and asked if his wife ever had a black tongue in her pussy. That's one bad giraffe, you guys. BMX legend Dave Miro was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The bro community is stunned and have united in flying their truck nuts at half-mast. How do you... Is it half-mast or is it just cold out that day? I love jokes that don't make logical sense, but they just feel so right.

It's jazz, baby. Michigan has passed a law making anal sex punishable by 15 years in prison. Lawmakers say the bill is meant to combat people having sex with animals. Critics say the bill targets homosexuals, to which the lawmakers responded, yeah, you know, animals. I have a Mexican joke off Showdown because I have another joke about that. Oh, okay. Oh, my goodness. Wait.

Oh, shit. Randy left. Showdown! Senators in Michigan passed a law banning anal sex with the punishment being up to 15 years in prison. The bill is entitled, you like sodomy, do you? Well, how about you sit here and smoke a whole carton of sodomy? Damn it. That's much better than mine.

I gotta give it to Keith, but don't get me wrong, both enriched my life. The German Wendelstein fusion reactor became the first device on Earth to produce hydrogen plasma. Prime Minister Angela Merkel promptly announced, not all fusion reactors get raped by refugees. Jesus Christ. I guess they're raping people. I tell you what, a bunch of rapers. I guess it's me now.

It's a big brown rapist. We'll just keep the circle going. We'll figure it out. Okay, yeah. Rapper DMX was found unconscious outside of his hotel after a drug overdose. Toxicology reports show that narcotics caused his heart to stop, his blood pressure to drop, and his kidneys to shut him down, open up shop. Any kind of rhythmic cruelty really is.

It makes it extra special. It's like a hug with a squeeze. A Florida man has been accused of throwing an alligator into a Wendy's fast food restaurant. He said to authorities sorry but Keith's mother's wanted one of them square burgers. The fact that she calls them them square burgers. You want to hear something real funny? My girlfriend, Chelsea, was fucking looking up weird news stories to help me with this.

And she saw that one. She's like, you should do a joke about that. And I'm like, they're for sure going to do a joke about me about that. They're everywhere. Hit me with the reverb. Any of their mom, my mom jokes. She called it! Don't you get it?

Any of my mom jokes they've ever made, they've already thought of. They won't stop until we're all dead. This is the Logan's run of hurting your feelings. Casinos are adjusting their sales practices to appeal to millennials. One of their most successful attractions

is the liberal arts education roulette. I mumbled the word liberal. A U.S. soldier killed an enemy combatant in Iraq with nothing but a spoon. ISIS forces are regrouping and mourning the loss

of their leader, Ahmed the Angry Bowl of Cereal. I was like, is this going yogurt? Are we going sherbet? Believe me, there's a lot of drastic food that come in bowls. And there's a veiled Jeff Dunham slam in the middle of it, if you're a true connoisseur. Oh, yeah.

Unintentional fun. Whoops. Protesters are trying to shut down a Georgia dry cleaner after a YouTube video was leaked of him making racist comments. He said to the picketers, go get your purple suits cleaned for your son's court appearance somewhere else. I need to bleach my robes. I mean, sheets.

A Pennsylvania district judge has banned the wearing of pajama bottoms in his court. A leader of the Coalition of Basic Bitches responded, first they came for our frappuccinos and we said nothing. Viewers of Super Bowl 50 were shown a commercial for the Church of Scientology. The spot ran 30 seconds, 28 of which featured Tom Cruise

looking at a vagina and shouting to camera, I am all about this. Damn, where's the reverb when you need it? No! They can't all be winners a new study shows bullied teens are six times more likely to commit suicide than their peers scientists called the survey of the mean boys listening audience an example of natural selection

in the modern world our fans really are creeps. They make me uncomfortable. Guys, the level that you are into the show, all six of you, is horrifying. Yeah, really. It makes me very happy. Yeah, it's like pretty much nobody likes the show, but the people who like it really like it. I've realized that, like, oh, if we keep doing this, I'm definitely going to get some weird packages. Oh, man. Yeah, someone's like, I made a pinata of Keith.

It's full of cum there's gonna be some john hinkley scenario where fucking like ted cruz takes a bullet and they're like we did it for joe just a wall full of pictures it's not gonna be taking a bullet it's gonna be taking a load he's gonna bust into a porn set actually i'll encourage that don't shoot anybody listeners but if you want to come on any of the presidential candidates from afar we the mean Boys support that. What are you, like, up in the book depository window with your extender on your dick? Just like, all right, I'm going to put it into this CO2 tank. How could one load come from the grassy knoll and another come from the magic jizz?

How is his left eye burning when the book depository was from the northeast? See, what I'm thinking is you come first into a water balloon situation, and then it's a slingshot. Like, that's... All right, I don't want Dennis the Menace listening to the show and trying to assassinate Bernie Sanders. I want John Kasich to get a load in his fucking nostril. He's actually one of the nicer ones.

Ted Cruz, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Come on, Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz already looks like he is cum. Come on his face in the shape of an M like a Zorro Z for mean boys. He looks like you came on the floor and then just watered it. Gross! Do we have one more?

I have one more. He gets one more because we eat. I have one more as well. I have nothing. A New York couple is facing lawsuit for firing their nanny after discovering she was HIV positive. When asked for comment, the nanny replied, A spoonful of sugar helps Truvada go down. Oh my god.

Sofia Vergara has claimed that she doesn't understand why women don't like being objectified. This is added to the list of things she doesn't understand, including fractions and the fact that the sun and the moon are not the same person. Where did they go on this night? That's a new character. Keith's Sophia Vergara. Oh, man. Post-menopause Sophia Vergara.

How do you feel about blowing the guy from The Patriarch of Married with Children? Oh, he's not my boy. Oh, no. God. Well, the way Mexican women age, he's not my boy. Oh, God. Well, the way Mexican women age, she's probably going to look worse than Keith when she gets

hit this much. She's Colombian, and she's actually 82. She's killing it. All right. The cocaine keeps me strong. Shit, we don't have to reverb. That was the Mexican Joker! Oh, wait.

I love... Ramsey has one fucking job, to just stand there and press the button like a good monkey. And he fucking... That better be because of his skill level, not his ethnic background. His general monkey-like appearance. I assure you, if he were an actual monkey, he'd be one of the dumb ones. Like, you couldn't teach him sign language. He's trying to fuck a banana.

Everybody go Google Ramsey Badawi, and then when nothing comes up, go on my Facebook, and you'll see a picture of his monkey face. Slammed! He does. He looks like a new wave chimp. Stupid haircut. I hate him. Oh, my God.

I'm just being mean, because he's not here. Yeah. That was a heck of a Mexican joke, I thought. Sure was. That was a lot of fun. I think we're going to move into a new segment, Joe. Oh, yeah i uh god i keep talking over your fucking intros like a babbling dolt anyway i was gonna let you introduce your own segment i wasn't gonna be like here's joe's existential crisis joe well yeah i this is a new segment called joe's existential crisis wait i think i think we have a jingle for this. Aye, life is meaningless.

We are lost in a void of an uncaring God. Yo soy muy empty. I cried through the heavens, por que, and I heard nothing. Nada. Todos somos nada. Anyway, I have a very good friend, you guys, who I've been friends with this person for like eight years now. Consider her a very close friend. She invited me to a cat baby shower.

Yeah. I thought cats didn't like getting wet. I'll see you guys later. My name's Connor. Well, this guy. This cat certainly doesn't. What? Oh, God. I don't guy. This cat certainly doesn't. What? Oh, God. I don't know.

Anyway. Anyway. Yeah. So, I mean, I think we know the kind of show we do here, everyone. I think we know the kind of taste of our listeners. I don't think there's a lot of people who host cat baby showers among us. I would hope not. Yeah.

No. So, like, now I'm just thinking, like, who am I fucking, why does she think I would want to do, like, who am I being fake around? Is this the fake Joe? Is this the scary, like that's the thing Joe when that kind of shit happens with someone that you think you know and you're like I if someone would have told me like a category of people that can be eliminated from the earth uh people that throw cat baby showers when we're like in the furnace don't need them yeah for sure yes you know Zika virus go for it she had a registry Connor a cat baby shower registry and And where? Fucking diealone.com?

Yeah! Yeah, dude, fucking it's like, it had a scratch, it's not even like she needs... Just start a GoFundMe for the cleaning of your apartment when they eat your flesh after you die and it discovers you. And it's not even like shit you'd have in your house like she needs an old sock to play with. It's like, buy me a scratching post. I'm not buying you

a fucking scratching post. Yeah, you're just over committed to a cat. Don't put this on us. Yeah, you don't buy someone a scratching post, I'm not buying you a fucking scratching post. Yeah, you're just over committed to a cat. Don't put this on us. You don't buy someone a scratching post. You split it with like three or four people so you can all say you got her something.

Yeah. You know what horrifies me too is like is that who I really am? Is this just a facade I put up? Am I secretly a person who's dying inside because I want to be going

to cute little hallmarky things like cat baby showers? You know? Probably. Oh, I think so too. I had a similar feeling at Christmas. My mom bought me a Bazinga shirt.

A what? Like, from the Big Bang Theory. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, that was a weird, just like, of all the things you've done to me, this is by far the worst. You wore that shirt at least once. Oh, I for sure came on it, but I didn't use it. Okay.

Yeah, that is my official, like, secret jizz rag. I mean, all your clothing, I would imagine, is just stained fluids. Oh, that's crusty. That was my least favorite middle school reading assignment, the secret jizz rag i mean all your clothing i would imagine is just stained fluids oh that's crusty that was that's my least favorite uh middle school reading assignment the secret jizz rag well but the nazis and all that shit just trying to jerk it in an attic it's just in the fucking main urinal at wayside school and came on by all the students all right that's an elementary school book reference joe your knowledge is all whimsical. I bet you know what the name of that stick in a hoop is called.

It's all childish, whimsy, and then just antiquated terminology. I believe the stick in the hoop is called mumblety peg. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not kidding you. Oh, my shit. No, I don't know if that's it. Motherfucker, you do want to go to a cat baby shower. I think're right man but here this is what we were talking about mumble a teapig sounds like something wilder woulder wilson enjoyed but kept on the dl he did that's what

he fucking watched his kids playing while he like signed over the country to the federal reserve and just wept we've been all over the place on this show well we were you know and we were talking like before connor got here about how like while, while I have a weird, like, the strangest knowledge of weird things, Connor is one of the smartest people I know, but he has no knowledge to base it on. The two or three just utterly mundane suburban things he knows about, he can weave into a lot of beautiful shit, but he's the most misinformed. You might be the, like, most ignorant smart person I know. I have, like, a laser gun with 1% battery.

You're like a pots and pans robot made out of spare facts, and then it's just spackled over with hate. Robot? Robot. Is there a Palin over here? He's a pots and pans robot. There's the hate that covers up the you're right. Every time you got a good slam, but you mispronounced something, it's just boring.

This podcast brought to you by the straw man argumentative fallacy. My name's Connor McSpat and if you feel like everybody's trying to get you and they're kind of getting you, call one of them fat or gay. Use the promo

code me to never ever learn anything and have no friends the straw man argument you see i i paid attention for two weeks in uh english uh 1a in community college and now i can make that reference but i don't know like you know that's good enough who holla notes are he just everything he says you sure do know who ho and Oates are. That's just it. Everything he says. You for sure do know who Hall and Oates are. I was trying to think of a better example, but I can't think of something I don't know about.

There's a video online of you and me singing Hall and Oates. Everything he says is just to the limit of his knowledge, but it's just all he needs for the moment. So he can just play this shell game of faux intelligence the rest of his life. No one has ever said I was dumb more than me. I think that can definitely... Well, that's good. Good golly. Well, all right.

I think that was a great existential crisis. That was a pretty great abandon the premise 40 seconds in. I believe that was the mission statement of this whole podcast. Welcome to the jumping off point. Unfortunately for my co-host, it's not the top of a building. Welcome to the flimsy

pretext podcast. Jesus shit. Bird, what do you got for us? If you were like a Looney Tunes cross-dressing to get the bad guy, that would be like, Hi, my name's Flimsy. Flimsy pretext. I'm awfully cold. Miss Flimsy, I'll come a-calling on you this evening.

Well, your name might be Flimsy, but I'll tell you right now, I'm awfully cold. Miss Flimsy, I come a-calling on you this evening. Well, your name might be Flimsy, but I'll tell you right now, I'm anything but. It's a boner joke. All right, fuck everything. We're going to commercial. Hello, folks. It is I, Dr. Edgar Mortaro of Mortaro's Baby Coffins. You know what we say at Mortaro's. We make the unexpected death of your child less melancholically maddening.

I, for one, would like to thank you all for choosing Mortaro's for all your infant mortuary services. I have, of course, become aware of the competing child mortuary in town run by my former colleague Hayworth Grogmire, so I would like to thank all our customers and especially our repeat customers, whose treacherous wombs so hostile to the

seed of life ensure their repeat business. You know, the corporeal remains of a deceased infant needn't solely be a hideous reminder of God's indifference. It can be a veritable corpse-a-copia of earthly riches. I, for one, hear much to do in the matter of stem cells, but not to do on the subject of post-mortal effluvia. But, Edgar, is not the discharge of unembalmed remains the epitome of putrescence?

Hardly. From your precious infant corpse, I will squeeze from a bolus of decay the finest facial beautifying tonic. That's right, ladies. The withering fruit of your womb can endow your face with the most enticing paleness. Waste not your baby's carcass. Want not the countenance of a Viennese harpist. So take that, stem cells.

Here's a joke for you folks. What did the infant mortician teach to the abortionist? Patience. Aha! How lightness dispels the horror. Yes, yes, that is the sort of levity and personal touch you are not alike to find under the service of Hayworth Grogmire. I simply cannot overstate what a shoddy and inferior baby mortician he truly is. Does Hayworth Grogmire offer this sort of personal attention to all his clients? No.

Does Hayworth Grogmire invent a post-mortal effluvia-based skin product clandestinely purchased by the Proactive Corporation? No. Has Hayworth Grogmire been producing necrophiliac pornography and secretly distributing it by the graveyard of the unclaimed so that necrophiles have a safe outlet for their deviant urges leaving his clients' baby corpses

unmolested? No, no, no. I say only a fool would choose Hayworth Krogmeyer. You will stop this slander at once, Mortaro! Hayworth Krogmeyer? What, I... This is my paid commercial advertisement. You will leave this sound studio at once.

I shall do no such thing, Mortaro. You've been besmirching my good name since our work together at the Budapest Toddler Embalming Academy, and it ends today. I say it ends today, Edgar. It is you whose abilities are questionable. You have your nose half in the formaldehyde, I'd say.

How dare you? You know it to be true. I saw your latest glass eye installation, Motaro. Did you get an effing cosseting, or are you trying to make your dead babies look like fleshy sock puppets? You mercurial son of a cossack. You come into my radio program and spew such slander? I'll have you run out of town. I'll have you delicensed from the Baby Corpse Handlers Union! I... I...

Oh... Oh, Hayworth, Hayworth, I just realized. What... What fools we've been, Hayworth. I... We've had it all wrong. Don't you see? See what, Edgar?

There's no need for our infant mortuary businesses to compete, Hayworth. There are more than enough dead babies for all who wish to dispose of them. My God, you're right. And there always will be. God will always delight in destroying those too young to be marred by the sin of the world. Why, in the third world, babies die. In developed nations, babies die. Babies die whether they are cared for properly or not.

Babies die from easily curable diseases their impoverished parents cannot treat. Babies of privilege die from easily flable diseases their impoverished parents cannot treat. Babies of privilege die from easily flammable mattress bedding. And SIDS! And SIDS! Wonderful SIDS. Oh, Hayworth, I am so sorry. You are a fine, fine infant mortician, and I'm proud

to call you friend. And are you, Mortaro. Your excellence in the craft of child corpsery is unparalleled. Oh, embrace me. And we're back, everybody. Wow. I got to say, Dr. Mortaro wanted, like, five minutes of advertising time. Like, we're going to have to charge you for that.

And he was like, business is booming. Yeah. Well, you know. You'd think he could have trimmed that down and, like, done another take. I mean, I think the narrative of it and the spontaneity was... You've got to respect truth in advertising. You sure do. Yeah, well, anyway, I think it's time to move on.

Have we sufficiently created a fourth wall here? Well, I think our friend Dr. Jodajo. Well, you know what? It's time to move on to Devil's Advocate, you guys. This is where we take an unpopular opinion and argue in favor of it and debate it. I think we'll learn a little about life and ourselves. Mean boys, don't you think?

Excuse me, I just need to throw up in my mouth a little bit. All right, I'm ready to begin. Oh, the saccharin-ness. It's terrible. Anyway, my Devil's Advocate opinion of this week is gay marriage is a bad idea. We shouldn't strive for it because I think equality is swell, but marriage is a bad idea. It's not really that natural.

They don't really work. They have a less than 50% success rate. So rather than, I think straight people should be coming up to meet us rather than us going down to meet you guys, frankly. Well, Keith, you're straddling the fence. You're bisexual. Do you think that we should be monogamous or polyhammerous?

I was like, is this turning into a real opinion show? Oh, no. See, that would imply that he needs more than one ham to sate his appetite. Which he surely does. No, you go one ham and one turkey. I'm by. I go both ways.

Hey, if you need a turkey, I've got two co-hosts of the show with you right here. Well, that was no sense. Get everybody. Nothing. This is a record for segment derailment. Just nothing will be as good as life was just now. What a tragic statement. Joe, here's my thing with that opinion, and I actually am going to disagree with you.

I think that you just like saying that you oppose gay marriage because it sounds cool. No. You think gay people shouldn't be able to get married? No, that's not my point. My point is rather than it's like... They shouldn't get married. It's like, let's say you have a shitty building that excludes people. The building's about to torn down. building that excludes people the building's about

to torn down there's nothing worthwhile in the building it's full of roaches and shit rather than be like hey wouldn't it be a good idea if we let everyone into this shitty building why don't we tear the building down and build a new one that's good especially if say like we have a model of this well yeah for the love of god tell me joe dosh's system for relationship like what's your idea like all right well you well, you choose a blood partner. The gay community was offered, like, a different building, though, you know? They were offered the Civil Union building, and they chose not. They wanted to run into that burning one.

No, but it's not a one that's just like what you did but sounds different because we're icky and gross. That's not what I mean. What I mean, like, okay, like, every gay married male couple I know, like, gets shit on the side. Every single one. I don't know any strictly monogamous gay male couple unless the ones that are just too old to go out and fuck anymore. Really? Yeah.

Are they like chill about it or is it just like. Yeah. Some people are like, yeah, I love you, but like I'm tired of fucking you. You're tired of fucking me. Your dick is too big. My ass is too small. You know, but there's a real Goldilocks situation. But like, oh, this dick is just right.

It's just right Goldilocks situation we've got here. Oh, this dick is just right. This dick is just right. There is such an efficiency to gay sex that does not exist in the straight world. God, you just waste all this time dilly-dallying, you guys. All this just funson you guys have to do. Yeah, because what? Because you're in love? Fucking gross. Like!

Oh, man. Yeah, gay sex is really like a bicycle. I mean, you can't improve on it. I mean, it's still the most efficient land transport. And it looks funny. There's like one big wheel and one tiny wheel. There's plenty of torque. I mean, that's probably what Joe prefers because he's old-timey and also a bottom.

Spray some WD-40 on it and get it done. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Yeah. I'll tell you what. If there's one person at this table who's been fucked lublously, it done. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Yeah. I tell you what, if there's one person at this table

who's been fucked lublously, it's not me and it's not Keith Carey, so. Raises his hand sheepishly. It's Ramsey.

You guys read that book. He's gone. You guys read that book The Kite Runner, right? Ramsey just is metaphorically because he produces this. Yeah, yeah. Look, every week I tell him to talk more, and every week he spends longer time smoking outside and resenting us.

What the fuck else could he have to do? I mean, I don't know. He's got nothing to do. I don't think Ramsey should be allowed to marry. I got to pop out for a minute, guys. I got to go to Anchor Bar in five days. I got to prepare. All right minute, guys. I got to go to Anchor Bar in five days. I got to prepare. Alright.

Put your inside baseball bat away, Joe. Oh yeah, that was devil's advocate. Yeah, I guess. That was petering out. Well, what do you suggest as an alternate? I don't know. Maybe... I don't know. Maybe the idea of

marriage doesn't exist as a government institution. Maybe like we kind of be like, wow, hey, since our version isn't working and like, you know, we're recognizing gay people and they kind of do it like a little bit of a different way. And maybe it has a higher success rate. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe like instead like like don't bring people into an idea that's bad. Like bringing making people equal under an idea is bad, I guess, is a good thing. But it doesn't change the fact that the idea is bad. Well, how about this?

You're getting married, and then every five years, you're allowed one more side chick. Like they just accumulate? Yeah, for the first five years. Your dick levels up? Your face. You're faithful. And then after five-year anniversary, you take her out for dinner, you go to a boat ride, and you'd fuck her cousin.

And then, only your cousin. You can't fuck her cousin and the babysitter. You gotta, you know. And then ten years, you get another one. Is this maybe a quantitative easing? This is why straight people can't do, like, side things, because your brain goes right to, I'm gonna fuck her cousin. Like, no, you fuck some stranger who's not gonna wander into your bubble like we do. Oh, I mean, I don't...

Who can just dial up on our computer machines. I've never had, you know, a committed vagina in my life and been like, I'm going to... This is just not doing it. I need more of these. I'm just like, oh, God, it's got the same flaps as yesterday. Like, you know, I'm... Maybe we should invent some kind of, like, laser that scrambles your pussy so it's new and exciting. Babe, can you put your twat on shuffle?

Like you fucking shuffle. Like you shine a laser pointer into a dog's eyes and it just screws them up for a minute. I've seen a twat thick enough you could shuffle it. Oh, no. All right, let's do it. Little theater of the mind, folks. I'll be doing sound effects. All right, well, my name is Michael Winslow.

I'm just uncomfortable now. I'm sorry, did you not say douche out that Hun's womb with a dose of Lysol last episode? There's something about vagina flaps. That's just where I check out. Any kind of thing with the vagina flaps or anything to do with, like, inside the pee hole. Oh, yeah. Dude, I can't listen to any of that. Like the fucking haunted, the Chuck Palahniuk book.

I can't. No. Okay. Have you ever seen the video with the guy and the screwdriver? Keith, don't even describe it to me. I don't have to. You've already done it. The guy has a screwdriver screwdriver and he fixes his

daughter's swing set that's what happened in that video i just decided all right that was uh that was devil's advocate and uh i think it's time for a word from our sponsors it's the new hit show everyone's talking about premiering this thursday on the eight o'clock comedy block on cbs it's passive aggressive and dumb. Hey, why'd you leave your girl magazine on my pillow, babe? There's some articles in there I think you should read about our time in the bedroom. You're right, you should make this chocolate bun cake. You got the recipe so we can eat it in bed and I'll make a comforter out of paper towels in case I spill.

And this week's episode is one you don't want to miss. Come on, babe, we haven't had sex in months. I'm just worried that if you do, you're going to have a heart attack. Maybe you'll hit the drum. I don't know who this Jim guy is, but if it gives me pussy, I'll hit him with my car. Come along for the ride with America's favorite family. Mommy, why do we have to go to a different store when we're shopping for daddy's clothes? Because daddy hasn't been taking care of himself lately. All I've been fucking doing is taking care of myself.

Pulling cum out of my body in the break room at work because you've got to snowball for a cunt. Maybe I'd be in better shape if I burned some calories doing something other than drafting suicide notes. Kathleen, you fucking whore! I just wanted to know why Daddy doesn't like JCPenney, Mommy. Daddy doesn't like anything anymore! Do you like me?

We're not going to the zoo! And make sure you check out our other new smash hit show, Chuck Lorre jingling his keys in front of a Walmart. Every week, Chuck amazes pie-eyed patrons of America's favorite tumor-like retail while they drool in a state of orgasmic ignoro bliss and he makes funny noises. Coochie coochie coo you mayonnaise blooded simpletons all right guys we are back uh after that word from our sponsors i think it's time to close out the show with a round of our favorite game show which of the following That is never going to get old. It's really not. Wait, can you turn it back on just one second?

I'm not even a fan of this band, but... All aboard! Dang it! Is that what your dad sounds like in the theaters online? No, my dad has a very lovely harmonizing singing voice. A real Gene Simmons. All right, play the jingles. All right, here we go.

This week, you know, I was kind of throwing out a couple different themes. I was bouncing around, but I found a list that was really captivating to me. Which of the following is not a real male porn star? Oh, my. Interesting. Number one, A, Zeb Atlas, B, Dale DeBone, C, Ken Schlong, or D, Herschel Savage. Okay, well, there's no way there's two Jewish male porn stars in the world. Zeb and Herschel.

What was Zeb's last name again? Atlas. You got the weight of the world on his shoulders? It's a sequel to Cloud Atlas. This is the big true, true zip. Can we see them? If I don't have a visual. Okay, they're there.

Yeah, yeah. This is an interesting word. Zeb and Herschel is a really great team. Like a vaudeville gay act. He's going to throw hula hoops on my erect cock. They're like spinning plates on top of his dick. Zeb, I slipped on the puddle of lube. That's not lube, Herschel.

Oh, Zeb. God damn it. I'm going to go Herschel Savage. I'm going to go Zeb, I slipped on the puddle of lube. That's not lube, Herschel. Oh, Zeb. God damn it. I'm going to go Herschel Savage. I'm going to go Zeb. This is another example of why we were born way too late in history. All right. The fake male porn star is Ken Shlong. Oh, wow.

It's like Ken Jeong. He's Asian. Ah, damn it. It's a hiding in plain sight. It's so obvious. There's still a little reverb if you could turn it down. I'm sorry. This is the most we've ever asked you to do.

And it's so little. Which of the following is not a real male porn star? A, Byron Long. B, Brian Pumper. C, John Doe. Doe spelled like cookie dough. Or D, Dennis Filler. Brian Pumper sounds like he owns a Santa's Christmas Tree village in Illinois somewhere.

Brian Pumper's Subaru dealership right off of the 5 in Montana. I feel like Brian Pumper has a mildly successful bar blues band. The Brian Pumper soul experience. We're all agreed that Brian Pumper can be a lot of things, but not a male porn star. So I'm going with Brian Pumper. I'll go Brian Pumper as well. Brian Pumper and the gas. What do you got for us, the gas?

His backing man is butts? All right. The fake porn star is Dennis Filler. Which of the following is not a real male porn star? Like off Dennis Miller? You got it. Now I don't want to jerk off on a rant here. Now back to my lack of general knowledge.

I don't even really know who Dennis Miller is. You're not missing much. Okay. A. Van Damage. B. Tommy Blade. C. Jack Spiro. D. Wesley Pipes. Wesley Pipes is real.

Spiro is a Pokemon. I don't know. Which feels like a red flag. Children of the 90s are of age now. That rules nothing out for me. They're allowed to compete. I'm just introducing facts. Some poor woman getting railed by a Hitmonchan.

You said Hitmonchan like Hank Hill would have. Dammit, buddy. You're watching these hentai videos of that goddamn Hitmonchan. Punch on the back of that Raichu's head. He's weak to fighting, Bobby. You're going to score a critical hit, and he's going to KO, and that's rape, Bobby. You're raping that Pokemon, goddammit. Peggy,

keep the boy away from... I want a fucking pocket rat. I got my lapras body pillow. Dammit, Bobby, I was saving that Master Ball for Mewtwo. Mewtwo. Fuck everything.

The fucking answer is A. It was utterly irrelevant. I'll say Jack Sparrow is fake. All right, Jack Sparrow is fake. Oh, you got to wonder what the real Jack Sparrow porn name is then. What could it be? I mean, Jack Sparrow is already such a perfect porn name. Yeah, it really is. The best male porn name I've ever heard in my life is Johnny Depth.

That's good. Yeah, I was thinking about using it, but I was like, I think I know Johnny Depth. I always decided if I became a male stripper, my name would be James T. Girth. That's pretty great. Except Faze was from Stun to Thrill. Number four. James T. Girth of the Zeppelin fortune.

A, Chad Easy. B, Anthony Hardwood. C, Dick Smothers Jr. Or D, Bobby Vitale. Of the Smothers triplets. Jesus. God, I'm not going to appeal to young people at all. Yeah.

Or old people. Remember their draft-dodging bluegrass song, kids? The junior is a red flag to me. That really went viral back in the day. I would really love if... Although I like that there would be a junior in porn. There'd be like a porn... The legacy.

Yeah, like a porn cult of the father. You know? Just the awful handing of the baton. Yeah, you never lived up to your dad, fucking Jack Spiro Sr. I'm going to say Anthony Hardwood because that seems like a name, like an alternate

name Connor would have for himself that he calls himself when he has a bad gig in Tulare or wherever he performs. I'm going to say Chad Easy. The fake porn star, Chad Easy. Whoa. Keith actually, you might get three points if you get this last question. Number five, all real or all fake?

I'll just preemptively say all fake. A, Ronald Ragin. B, Maverick with three Ks. C, Angel Sins. Or D, Billy Fistel. Those are for sure I'll fake I want to say Maverick with 3Ks

is real and that he's like in some kind of like cuckolding porn like he's just a giant black man who plows white women

and they just get off in the rage of it that would be the Django of porn yeah just Christoph Waltz just cries while he

fucks the shit out of Broomhilda that was our most recent reference and it was a film cries while he fucks the shit out of Broomhilda. Still says many uses of the N-word, though. That was our most recent reference, and it was a film from three years ago. Seriously. We need, like, a... No, we were actually referring to the original Django from the 60s. You're referring to Django Reinhardt.

Where the fuck is our revert monkey when I want to do the Django fucking spaghetti? Django! Damn it. All right, we're going to do it for real. One, two, three the Django fucking spaghetti. What? Django. Damn it. All right. We're going to do it for real. One, two, three. Django. Okay.

I'm going to go all real. I'll go all fake. Those are all fake. Billy Fistel. Come on, man. Keith Carey sweeps it. Dude, yeah, this is not my best week of prepared writing. Oh, man, this game was terrible because Keith won.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel. Yeah, I'm down with that. Okay, well, I think this was another great episode of the Mean Boys podcast. I think so, too. Thank you guys for listening. Please subscribe and rate and review us on iTunes. It helps us out a great deal. If you want to send a message to the show that we could talk about on the air,

there's a contact form on the Mean Boys site. Trying to see what else we... Yeah, we got some other exciting stuff in the works. Some live shows. Maybe some stickers. I would like to plug that I'm going to be at the Pioneer Underground in Reno, Nevada. So any Nevada fans we probably don't have, come out and see me. It's going to be fun.

It's just, well, the fact that you think any of our fans that actually are in other parts of the world would leave their basements to come to a live performance. We're busy skinning these animals. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds like there's going to be a lot of eye contact. It's a really disheveled, tragic town up there. I would imagine our podcast appeals to the hopeless.

Keith and I will be burning people in Venice Beach for the Burn Booth web series at around noon or some shit. Look it up on Facebook. Yeah. And then March 19th, I'm recording my album at Hypno Comics in Ventura. Connor will be opening for me on that. And Joe is not good enough friends to get the call. No, I'm not. Sorry, buddy.

These plans were made pre-podcast. Otherwise, I would have felt much worse about not booking you to do it. That's fine. I don't share your... Hey, Rims, you want to do a spot? I don't share your outside of the city that matters, you know, camaraderie. You know, I was going to plug the rest of my shows, but I didn't want to make you guys feel bad, so I think we're going to sign off.

You can catch Connor wherever Mexican moms are getting sassy. Mean boys and girls, I love you to death. People saying nice shit about the podcast Really makes my It really It's so nice I can't even process it Like it makes me feel ill See you next time

Bye