Mean Boys - EP 70 - Endless Bummer Part One: Poop Hooker (Live feat. Brandie Posey, Ron Swallow & Kyle Clark)

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Porn Comment or Yelp Review" and “The Tom Lightning Round” interspersed with narration from the boys. Watch Mean Boys Fan or Sex Offender: https://youtu.be/KcRarS_O4DU Get the new Mean Boys Classic Logo T-Shirt, available for a limited time: teespring.com/mean-boys-classic-logo Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Listen to Tom’s podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-t…d1197690915?mt=2 Listen to Connor’s new podcast with Adam Tod Brown: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1235651909 Check out our Dominatrix: https://twitter.com/mommie_cat Follow our guest Kyle Clark on Twitter: twitter.com/kyleclarkisrad Follow our guest Brandie Posey on Twitter: twitter.com/brandazzle Follow our guest Ron Swallow on Twitter: twitter.com/dorkyswallow Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Meme Boys podcast. I took the road less traveled and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. And this was a whole thing sure was kind of messed that up you know that's a that's a pretty good indicator of what's about to come yeah uh indeed it is this isn't going to be a super normal episode if you're a first

time listener go check out the best of yeah this is going to be uh this is the opposite of that i wouldn't say that no this was a blast this This is going to be a recap of the first ever Mean Boys live weekend out on the road. A two-part series we have entitled Endless Bummer. Yes, we have. And look, I described it as like Apollo 13. It was a successful failure. Like Apollo 13 or Tom. Yeah, so this first part is coming out.

I have no success. Oh, you're never going to get back from the moon. The moon's my home now. It's not really cheese so much as it is ouch you cereal. I'm one of the inhumans now. I'm African American Bolt.

That's a joke for two people. I didn't get it. Yeah, okay. The first part is going to be the Comic-Con show that we did. The next part, the Fresno show, is going to be coming out on Thursday. And if you like the idea of

Mean Boys twice a week, we're 67% of the way to our first Patreon goal. So a little quick shilling right off the top. Toss us some cash. We are very close to you guys getting an extra episode of Bean Boys every month. Of Bean Boys, you say? Bean Boys, yeah. Yeah. All right! Welcome to Bean Boys! Okay, well, getting an extra episode of bean boys every month of bean boys you say boys yeah yeah all right welcome to bean boys okay well i i feel like i should cut that but taco monster why would you connor say that why are you the rich little of the bullshit we made strikes again if you want

more of this extremely high quality content give us your money and we'll send you a shitty wristband see uh so this is the Comic-Con show. And a little bit of background. We've been promoting this for a couple months. We booked the date. We're like, yeah, you know, the fucking Mean Boys of Comic-Con. That makes sense. And we had booked the back room of the Comedy Palace in San Diego.

Very modest-sized room. Holds about 60 people all packed out. We thought that we can get half of that. Yeah. Worst-case scenario, it'll be a decent show in a little room. And then we put up this event on Eventbrite. I make a slick flyer and everything. We get it listed all over the place.

And all of a sudden, my phone is dinging off the hook all day. People are reserving tickets to this thing. And I'm like, wow, looks like we cracked the code to promoting Mean Boys Live. And this all ended with about 170 people on the guest list About 60 different parties Yeah, and people making orders for multiple tickets Oh, yeah We had emails We were sending out confirmation emails to people It was like a whole thing

So we were like, we might actually have a show To the point where we told this to the booker of the club And he was like, you know what? Main room's looking a little like that tonight We're going to put them in the back room You guys get the main room. Have fun. Yeah, so they bump us into like a 150-seat room at this point.

So also a little back story. We have to assemble all of the equipment, the projectors, the screens. Yeah, this is my question because I got there right before the show started. What happened from when you guys got there to when the show started? Because I got there. We'll get there. Let's not get ahead of it. I really want to just lead into the audience how much work

we put into the show. We put up a good amount of work into Mean Boys every week. We were putting together multimedia presentations. We shot a special Mark Molloy intro video that I'll probably throw up on the Patreon because we didn't get to use it at all. We'll use it at some point.

We were ordering merch and creating shirts and really getting stoked. We borrowed two different projectors in case one broke and we got a screen from somebody. Cut to, we're driving down to San Diego after we picked up the hooker.

I was getting to that. We stopped to pick up the dominatrix. So Long Beach was agreed to come work for free because we told her what an amazing show it was going to be. Yeah. So she's hanging out. Her and Connor pretty immediately get in a fight. What about what?

By the way, does it ever matter with me? I don't know. She talks for five minutes. She's asked us to publicize her a little bit. Her professional name is Catherine Walters Go to her website we'll tag it in the show notes You're in the Los Angeles area and you are a gross pervert She does phenomenal disgusting work

She is very well prepared And frighteningly experienced These two were very much in pain Yeah We'll get into that So we make the long drive down to San Diego We're still getting orders for tickets. Oh, all throughout the day.

I'm like, dude, I mean, the word is spreading clearly. And we get there. The show is at 10 o'clock. We get there at 6. And that is because we have to put the staff through a hellish tech prep rehearsal scenario. Yeah, we're making them use screens and projectors they didn't realize they had. Like, we are really... Yeah, there's multiple audio cues.

We're coaching up a lot of really disinterested minimum wage employees. Yeah. So then we get everything kind of sort of loaded in and then the early show goes. We eat dinner. We're kind of just stressing out like, oh man, I hope the show is good. Then it's about 9 o'clock.

So we're about an hour out from show time and we go through the tech rehearsals with two different technicians. We figured out all the recordings. We got everything going. We are convinced we are about to be the future of comedy. Yeah. The only problem is nobody seems to be arriving

at about 9.30, 9.35. That's about when I got there. Yeah. Tom gets there. He's like, hey, what's up? And we're like, not now. And there was just this slow, steady dreadnought building in our stomach. And we had four people loaded in.

And we're like, we have 20 minutes left. We're like, they better all be coming on a bus. Yeah. And the other comics are showing up. And I'm just looking at them like I've never felt like I've failed anybody more in my life. It was rough. When all was said and done, we ended up with four

audience members. Ron Swallow brought his girlfriend. I guess technically six, and we're counting significant others, because Ron and Kyle both brought their girlfriends. Natalie Hazen, friend of the show, and Ron Swallow's girlfriend, friend of Ron's dick, I guess.

She was very nice. We went from 170 to 4. Now, I'm not good enough at math to tell you what a failure that is. All of it. I know it is not a good amount of percents. I've taken it to the lab.

That is yes, percent failed. So, I mean, basically, me and Connor just both kind of walked around the corner. And Connor just goes, you know, we could just keep walking and no one would ever find us. Mexico was right there, guys. Welcome to the Mexican runaway from responsibilities. Aye, we're fugitives. See, soundboard's not ready. Sorry. Welcome to the Mexican runaway from responsibilities. We're fugitives. See, soundboard's not ready.

Sorry. Tom, describe the mood when you got there. You got there about 9.45. Okay, I got there. I was in a fine mood. I'd worked out before I got there. You know Tom's in a fine mood. It's a bad sign.

Tom peaks when others fall. It's sad that it's true, but I get there and Keith and Connor, I could tell they weren't happy and it's usually I'm like, is it me? But I was like, no, this is something else. You weren't helping, to be fair.

Hey, I pride myself in the way I affect others but uh it seems um and then they were like and finally i was like what the what's uh what is going on and they're like there's four people in there tom and it took every ounce in my body to not go who gives a flying fuck we're gonna put on a great show there was no ounce of your body that didn't do that you did just start saying that yeah which i gotta be honest for the first two minutes infuriated me i almost punched you and then i was like ah no tom's 100 right tom is yeah no i knew i was right and i i toned it down from what i was feeling you guys you guys babied

out a little bit you can cut that out but you guys were being babies about it and i know it's we're not gonna cut it out keith was being a being babies about it. And I know it sucks. We're not going to cut it out. Keith was being a baby about it. I was fine. Fuck. Don't turn on each other. Fuck your stupid dick. But no, it's true.

We did baby out for a minute. There's a good triangular pep talk that happens. Yeah. We decide, you know what? It's going to happen, and it'll be a funny story someday. Not now, obviously. It was really dragging. And here's the best part.

We did a show for four people, and it was one of the best shows we've ever done. Yeah. And they were all like Mean Boys people. 166 people did not show up to the show. 166 people missed that fucking show. That was a great show. And if you had tickets, you didn't go. Man, you fucking missed out because it was a blast. And if you had tickets, you didn't go, man, you fucking missed out, because it was a blast.

And that's why I was single until I was 25. It's not that they wouldn't fuck me, it's that they weren't worth fucking me. Alright, well, that sets the stage pretty adequately. So we'll, uh, yeah. We'll get into the first segment. We open as we always do, of course, with the Mexican Joke Off. The Dominatrix is on stage and on the other side of the break,

we'll tell you about what some of those punishments felt like. So enjoy the Apollo 13 of Mean Boys live at the Comedy Palace. Yeah! Hey everybody. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Connor McSpadden. And this is, uh, fuck. Hey everybody.

Oh, all good. These are falling. So here's the deal. I cannot stress enough how much 170 people said they were. We filmed video content. We worked real hard and we were like, boy, we must be successful. Yeah, we really, we were

driving down here and we were all like, oh, it's all coming together. No, the Comedy Palace will stay in the back room. Oh, you want to put us in the big main room? If you insist. And then we awaited the throng. But you guys showed up. You sure did. You're saying that we fucked up.

Mean Boys fans look disappointed in us. They shouldn't. What? I'm excited. You're excited? I would hope so. We heard you were already tapped out. You hear that, everybody? A man with a mouthful of falafel is excited. I need a break. Yeah, fuck me, dude. My bad.

Yeah, sorry. We're like, oh, we're going to get all this great video footage, and we're going to do this show at festivals. The amount of merch we prepared for tonight. I cut a stencil, and we bought spray. There were multiple arts and crafts projects that went into tonight's proceedings. Here's the thing, we're going to complain more about this. We're not mad at you guys, we are mad at ourselves. I'm frankly mad that 50% of the people in the audience came because they're fans of Kyle's podcast.

Am I going to be so bold, that is not right. This is bad. This is very bad. You know, as much as we're going to bitch and love, we planned a really fucking fun show. We did. We're going to fucking have fun. And thank God the first segment involved

bringing pain upon myself, and I've never wanted to feel it more in my life. You guys know how this show starts. It's time for the Mexican joke. What? Correct the one! Don't tell me it's not working now. You can go and skip that.

Oh yeah. We had a whole Mark Malloy hype video prepared. There was a pause for the roaring of applause built in. This is worse than a little kid having no one show up to his birthday party. Because I have the full adult range of disappointment and logic to apply to how big of a failure this is. Also, I needed to sell a lot of shirts to buy cigarettes and pay rent. And also, not even my grandparents are here.

And they don't know what. I'm not getting any presents. Alright, well let's take our shirts off. So, have you guys been to any of the live shows yet? Orion has. Oh, you can't. So we have a dominatrix punish us during the Mexican joke.

Please welcome a woman who drove three hours to go to the mall to see Mistress Catherine Walters. I get the feeling this is going to hurt way worse than it would if we sold out. Hey guys, you don't understand how badly you have to fail to watch the light leave a dominatrix's eye okay this woman poops on people at a professional level

as opposed to an amateur woman some people do it for the love of the game she's gotta get paid baby love of the shame love of the shame oh man

so the way we're gonna do this is we're gonna do the Mexican joke as we always do. Whoever has the worst received joke is going to be punished. Although frankly we both deserve it. Yeah. Alright, Connie, you want to go first or me go first? I'll take us away everybody.

Fuck me. OJ Simpson is out on parole this week. The Heisman Trophy winner and murderer of notes says he's excited to focus on his new book if I got fucked in the butt a bunch. A neglected nine-year-old child in Hawaii starved to death, proving that some people really hate pineapple on their pizza.

Who do you like more? Do you like Keith more? Or me more? Oh, I got the peanut gallery. Oh, fuck you to death! Get him, Gatlin! Fucking X! Let me see your tits.

They're not hard to find. Oh, we're doing the other one? I feel better. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know the rules. Hey guys, I feel better. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know the rules. You guys, I feel better already. You didn't think all that fat would soften it. You're still jiggling from that first impact. This is perpetual energy.

All right, you do the next one. Joke two. A new study reports that Jamaica is running drastically low on anti-diarrhea medication. Find out more in the new motion picture, Stool Runnings. All right. Well, at this point, I'm just hoping she's not doing the nipple clamps next. A Chinese woman died from her fourth abortion after failing to conceive a boy. This news hit the grieving father especially hard because the fifth one would have been free.

Oh, they're in a baby bottle. Why is that worse? Do you like to suck on the baby bottle? Go fuck yourself. You poop hooker. Oh, Jesus. Yes, you do. Oh, that doesn't feel right.

Oh, no. This is all going on Snapchat. You know, my parents really wanted me to go to college. It's important to remember that fact. I want to point something out. There is a very nice lady in the back here. And earlier, they were like, do you want to stay for the Mean Boys show later?

She's like, what is that? And I love Carol Burnett. Individually, these are not that bad, but it is adding up, everybody. How many are you putting on? I don't like that my nipples have eyelashes like an Asian girl's Volkswagen bug right now. Are you gonna put a solar-powered, bodied plant that waggles its sleeve arms on my fucking head?

Yeah, at no point did I want for less than 10% of tickets claimed to show up and then have a torso that could wink. Oh my god, yeah! Oh my god, yeah! Oh my god. Woo! Now rip them off real fast. Nah, they're staying on. Okay, shit. Yeah! Oh, shit. Woo! Now rip them off real fast. No, they're staying on.

Okay. This is great. All right. You're up, buddy. Oh, fuck. John. Ah! A Philadelphia neighborhood has been overrun by thousands of cockroaches that emerged from

an open manhole cover. If you want to see a horde of insects scuttle out of a manhole, talk to Keith Carey after the show. Full of gay bugs. An injured Canadian fisherman was raped by a pack of seals. It was the first time a seal ever balanced its balls on someone else's nose. Woo! This is the only thing making me feel better about this show

is how hard I fucking cover. Alright, okay. The flogger, the rubber flogger. Rip him off! Why do I get to post? Hot wax! Hot wax! Hot wax! I had a dream like this once in middle school.

Okay. Oh man, there's a lot of candles. And this is really starting to feel bad. How do you cum while doing this? Here's a question. How am I still sweating more than you? Oh, God. Oh.

Oh, geez. That's very hot. It's as hot as you think it would be, and then Oh, jeez. That's very hot. It's as hot as you think it would be, and then a little bit lower. I'd also like to clarify, no way did we legally clear if it was cool to start a fire up here. Oh, there's candles on the table.

Oh, my. Ow. Ow. Okay, I'll do some more. I feel still pretty bad. Well, you keep doing it while we do the next joke. Yeah, keep dripping. It's red, white, and blue. America didn't fucking have a civil war for this.

USA! USA! USA! It literally feels like it's drizzling fire. I feel like I walked out during an overcast day in hell. Alright, you want to go next? Uh, yes. Taxi drivers set fire to an Uber driver's car while he was driving. As the flames rose, the Uber driver began to regret not investing in some of those tiny bottles of water. Aw, fuck.

Can you also put clamps on... All I gotta do is not fuck this one up. I was already ready to... I can't imagine it's not me. Alright. An infant was found with methadone and cocaine in its system at the time of its death last year. Authorities were shocked, saying, we didn't even know Carrie Fisher was pregnant. Nipple clamps! Nipple clamps! Nipple clamps! Nipple clamps! Fuck you!

I should have said you have a lot more to play with. And here's the... almost the most hurtful part is how supportive all the other people on the show are, because it makes me feel like the retarded football player they put in for one, you know, like... Really, that's what you think the most hurtful part is? I think it's the things on my nipples I got them on my nipples and they're pitching flesh like my nipples these are like prime nipples you've got those two stuff and nobody are your nipples better than mine alright just cuz they just cuz they produce milk doesn't make sense how many of you guys get on there

cause money can fit oh god this is a terrible game of Chubby Bunny. Oh, man. We're not really doing a podcast so much as a live reenactment of some of the deleted scenes from Seven. You think it would stop sucking at some point? Uh-huh. You should put four. Oh, I'll get numb eventually? Thank you. Someone Snapchat this and be like,

I didn't know they were doing a Pants Lab with two panels. I'll do that right now. These are really starting to add. Well, because I'm going to have them on for longer. Yeah, Keith. It hurts. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. This feels like we both just got each other pregnant

and we're in the delivery room like, you did this to me. All right, last one. Alright. More than 40,000 Boy Scouts are headed to West Virginia this weekend for their national jamboree. The event is being hailed as Comic-Con for pedophiles. Oh, shit.

I'm looking at the paddle now. This one's not great either. I don't see this going well for either of us. It was announced this week that Doctor Who would feature its first ever female lead. Oh, sure. she's a hero, but when I walk into a phone booth claiming to be a lady doctor, I'm convicted of sexual assault. Fuck. All right, we'll do it to both of us.

What? Let's get... Have you seen your mustache? All right, so let's both get flogged. You can't both do it. I'll take the paddle. Oh, I want the paddle. That paddle's objectionable.

Oh, are you? The paddle's pretty painful. Oh, wait. The paddle for both. Just hit me with something. I can just hold the paddle and whip it. Both, whip, both. Yeah, yeah.

Both, whip, both. Both, whip, both. Both, whip, both. Running Kyle South. Running Kyle South. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Alright, one more. Are you sure? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, Bring it back memory and shit. He hit the bone! I mean, do it again.

It's pretty hard to find a bone on Keith. Oh, fuck! I don't even know if you're laughing at any of it. It just got real. Well, that's the fucking Mexican joke, guys. These are for you. And these are for you guys. A little souvenir to remember your magical evening.

You wanna bring up our first comedian? Okay, I think my nipples are, if not bleeding... Oh man. It looks like someone panini pressed my tits. Oh, it looks like the bottom of a shoe. All right, everybody. Your first comedian is one of our favorites on Mean Boys. Half of the people here came to see him.

The man who needs no introduction, how about a round of applause for the amazing Kyle Clark, ladies and gentlemen. You know, you don't realize how scary a dominatrix is until you made her drive for three hours for no money and four people. There was a fire and glee in this woman's eyes that I have never seen before and hope to never see again. That's like, you know, like, oh, here's a bear and I have a bunch of picnic baskets stapled to me. It was pretty rough. Yeah, she went pretty ham on us. The clothes

pins, the first one goes on and you're like, this is nothing. This is just an aesthetic choice that people are into. And then when the fourth one gets on and it's been about two minutes, you're like, I'm gonna start nursing blood out of myself. Did you?

Sorry, go ahead. Oh, this is a weird question. Did you try flexing your chest to knock him off at all? Because I've always wondered if you could do that. I didn't think to, but that is a fun experiment for next time. I think you're thinking of Popeye is who could do that. You know, the sailor man. He's Spanish.

He's very strong. Also, that's cheating. That's not the rules of the game. Yeah, you're supposed to feel pain. And at that moment, I wanted to. Yeah, no one has ever been a naughtier boy who deserved to be hurt than me and Connor. Oh, yeah. You know what we put that girl through.

Mostly me. I'm behind a lot of the technical promotional aspects of what happens. You had those clothespins on for like a fucking while, too. I did. And then the hot wax starts going. The hot wax hurts at first did and then the hot wax starts going the hot wax hurts it first and then it's fine she she waxed me just off stage just like to let me know what it's gonna feel like not bad not that bad god it feels nice isn't that didn't really make me horny but didn't really hurt

me that much well i would have never been able to get a boner in that building with all the shame i was feeling no i'm not gonna be able to get a boner in San Diego for probably a decade. Isn't that how they get hot girls to lose their mustache? They drip hot wax on their face? Tom. It's a different kind of wax, Tom. Okay, it's a fair question. Is it? Yeah, they don't get

a dominatrix to drizzle wax on somebody. Yeah, totally. They don't get a giant ass candle to, you know, oh, I thought yeah, I know it had to be a special wax. Yeah. You can't just get turtle wax

or like, you know. Yeah, I'm gonna buff out this hair. I mean, it would probably work in the long run, but it would probably get pretty bloody. Yeah, and then she fucking, she got me. I thought I was being slick, because she came at us at the end with this rubber flogger that I know for a fact hurts like a motherfucker. Yeah, and then she fucking, she got me. I thought I was being slick because she came at us at the end

with this rubber flogger that I know for a fact hurts like a motherfucker. Yeah, that one's a bitch. I hit Connor real hard with it. Yeah, you flicked your wrist just slightly and I was,

I knew the true meaning of pain. Yeah, or this fucking wooden paddle and I was like, oh, the paddle seems less bad. Boy, could I not have been wrong. Because the paddle was like heavy as shit.

It's like a fucking... Yeah, I didn't realize until after, that was not a balsa wood paddle. It's like what, like Eb, I didn't realize until after. That was not a balsa wood paddle. It's like what Ebenezer Scrooge would have served a fattened Christmas goose on. Like it's fucking humongous and it's got this fucking handle to it. Talk about your butt in that nice of a way.

If she would have just gotten butt, she would have been fine. But she like went two inches up and just right on the fucking tailbone. And you know how hard it is to find a protruding bone on Keith's body anywhere? Yeah, she done found it, and it's a good thing I didn't have to sit on that bone for several hours driving to Fresno the next day.

Yeah, so that was the Mexican Joke. Those were the punishments. We did a very visual game that we're going to put up on YouTube. The link for that will be in the show notes next. This is a game that we came up with that we were so excited about, and it's going to be a fixture of future live events. And we are dropping the jingle in this episode, even if the whole segment isn't just because it's my favorite thing we've ever made.

Oh, yeah. So that's a game called Mean Boys Fan or Sex Offender. And guess what? The rules of the game are the name of the game. Yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like. You may have seen that tweet where we're asking for creepy pictures of you. That's what they're for. Yeah.

Everyone was notified, by the way, so that no one got hornswoggled into this. Not the sex offenders. No, yeah, those I mean. And I talk about it a little bit but I did some dubiously legal research. Yeah, we're podcasting from international waters. It's fine. Look, if we're ever a new

noteworthy we might have to get a lawyer but that's never happening so don't worry about that. And after Memoirs of Manner's Sex Offender with Kyle Clark, who drove all the way down to San Diego, I just realized, to not be included

in this audio episode. Exciting stuff for him. Well, he'll be in the next one a lot, though. He will, yeah. And after that, we got into a special Comic-Con theme game

of Porn Commenter Yelp Review. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, I joined my friends Brandy Posey and Ron Swallow. Awesome. We brought Ron back in. Yeah, just feel free to shake the entire audience.

It only took four seconds. Hey guys, here's some more fun audience member depreparation math. We printed ten posters we were going to sign and sell, which means there are 2.5 posters per audience member. These guys will buy them right there. Oh, we're still putting out the merch.

By the way, we're going to dub over all of this with the sound of just an uproarious I'm going to get Queen at Chase Stadium. Hey, hey, hey. All right. I'm glad I didn't bring

my Batman shirts then. We're going to play another one of our favorite games here on Mean Boys. Mike, hit the next slide. It's time for Pornhub.

Oh, yeah. Or Yelp review. Hell, yeah. This is the worst Indian place. Has anybody in the crowd ever left a comment on a porn video, by the way? No? Fucking good. We've done like four of these shows.

No one's copped to it yet. You know what I see when you ask that question? I see one black lady and three liars. Okay? Slamper. I calls him like I sees him. Mike, let's see the first one. Quote, I want to ride that big fatty.

Oh. Yeah. I'm going to say something nice for once. That's what everybody says about Keith Carey. Well, walked right into that one. Frankly, I'm shocked it took us all 45 seconds to get there. We all thought we were like, well, someone's got to do it.

That was like killing old Yeller for jokes. That's how guilty I feel about asking Brandy to drive down to do this. I didn't make an easy fat joke. Do you understand? That is all I am programmed to do. I did that for you. A room of vacuums, I make fat jokes about Keith.

Let's see what the answer is. Have you got it? It's Yelp. Yelp Review of SeaWorld. What a creepy way to talk about Shamu. That was a long breathing thing. To be fair, they were talking about a polar bear. And I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

How fat was that polar bear? Shamu is the mascot of SeaWorld. Fuck you, dude. How about you are biggest fan? Let me... Because you make a slideshow next. Is that actually Shamu? Are you saying all orcas look alike?

They're all killer. What's the killer whale? Here's a quick sidebar. A little backstory. We did a show several months ago and Orion showed, and he was a fan of the podcast. We didn't know he was coming, and he came until we talked to him. Him and like 60 other people showed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they did.

But we're not fans of the podcast. And we were thinking about stopping and doing the show, and we're like, what about Orion? Orion needs us. And now Orion's here, and Orion's kind of pissing me off. I feel like I made a lot of bad life decisions off of this mustachioed creep. All right, next one. Moments like this remind me that there is a God

and that he is cruel and unforgiving. How did someone leave a Yelp review of this show? I hope that's porn. I'm sure it's porn. Is this your work, Ron? No, I'm pretty sure my mom was in it. All right, well, let's find out. That is a review of

Bunch of Square Nuts. Say again? Oh no! Ryan just admitted he's rigged up today. Say what you will, the clarinet solo by Squidward is outstanding. Something about you saying I've came to that,

like the past dancing of come to came is bothersome to me. Just say I jizzed because of that. You've come in spite of that, not because of it. Enough about your body, Keith. Next slide. Bazongo.

It's somebody messing up Big Bang Theory. So it's Big Bang Theory porn. So it's the writers of Big Bang Theory? Am I right, everybody? That is everybody. Alright, let's see what it is. Correct! Big Bang Theory, a triple X parody.

That is the least upsetting picture I could find from it. Good work. Mike, next one. I guess if you're a white person, this would be fine for you. They get harder. I didn't know APR made porn. I'm going to say Yelp, but I kind of wish it's porn. That's Yelp as fuck, dude.

Yelp as fuck, dude. We have a Yelp and we have a Yelp as fuck. You guys all think Yelp? Let's see. I got a Yelp. That's the Yelp review. Mochi storm. Quick note about this.

This Yelp review was left by the dean of Yale University. No. And when they went digging, they found her making all these weird This Yelp review was left by the dean of Yale University. No. And when they went digging, they found her making all these weird racist Yelp comments. Go through. Have yourself a journey. What is Mochi? Does anybody know? Well, if you were a white person, you'd know.

Oh, okay. I'm white trash, so. It's some kind of weird person. If it's not fish sticks, I don't know what the fuck it is. It's a Japanese fancy boy ice cream. The Japanese thing. The first rogue I ever did was Ron Swallow, and he ate everything in a long John Silver's. It's all the same color.

All day. Every day. Alright, next slide, Mike. All that overstimulation left her totally pooped out. This is Legoland Yelp review. I'm going to say it's a porn hub and it's one of the ones where they wrote a fucking sim in or some shit like that. I don't think it's a porn hub and it's one of the ones where they wrote

a fucking sim in or some shit like that. I don't think it's a Lego land porn. Lego's porn. Lego land porn. Being air-scrossed. I had to wait 45 minutes

to get fucked for 45 seconds and it was like fine. Yeah, you've seen a BDSM show where someone walked across Legos as part of the show.

I did, yeah. Really? Like some kind of shitty Tony Robbins pedophile-like activity. At Mike's birthday party. I've talked about it on the podcast before.

The lady walked to Legos and then put needles in her pussy. Wow. The answer is... Wait, she fucked you? San Diego Comic Con. I was just there. Did it leave you pooped out? I mean, yeah.

For you guys that don't know, that's a fun thing that's happening nearby. That's an event. It's a thing where there is about 100,000 more people. That is what we thought this room was. We had an easy up. It was a whole thing. It still kind of smells like that room in here. To give you an idea of how successful you guys are,

the Twin Peaks panel had a lot more than you guys. Oh. What does that mean? That shitty Scottish Hooters had more people than we did? No, I was just talking about the people on the panel. Oh, there were more people on the Twin Peaks panel than there are in the... Yeah. Cool.

Thanks, Rod. Mike, next slide. Let there be ranch. I feel like you should point out for people who aren't reading this that the ranch is like seven A's. Yeah, and I want to know, I counted the A's. And also, Keith, you've never been more naturally equipped to say any sentence. This is Keith if he was a king in media.

Let there be ranch! Brandy, what do you think? I'd like to think this is a There Will Be Blood parody. Porn parody using ranch instead of... This is what Keith did. I think it is a there will be blood parody porn parody using ranch instead of porn. I think it's a squirting video. I don't know. I think you're making people squirt wrong.

Honestly, if you have porn for ranch, that's more for white people than that last Yelp review. It's a Yelp review. Yelp got porn. See it? Yes! My favorite thing about this is that is Dengar getting it wet. Indeed it is.

There were deep cuts on the Empire Strikes. Again, we were counting on a lot more Comic-Con nerds. That would have played great for them. You guys know about Dengar? Maybe an IB-88 riff would have cracked the room. So this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like. That's Yelp. That's Yelp.

That's Yelp for That's Yelp. It's Yelp for... For Niagara Falls? For a waitress at Cracker Barrel's ass. Yeah, I was hoping it was Cracker Barrel's ass. I like the way he said it. Ass. I want to say it's... Brandi turned into a sexually aggressive mobster for that joke.

Hey! I'm going to say it's... I'm going to spit on's... I wish you could all see Brandy Posey right now. It's really... Pretty sad that we're deleting all this footage so that, by the way, none of this leaves this room. We're turning on the gas and you're all going...

Ryan just ate a bunch of hummus. I'm going to say it's porn. Okay, we got a Yelp and a porn. Let's see what it is. That is a Yelp review of the Comedy Palace. Oh, the Comedy Palace. Oh, shit. With a special guest appearance on the fucking marquee by friend of a lot of ours, Erica.

Oh, hey, Erica. Look, we're replacing that. Look, the Yelp picture, default picture, is going to be the Mean Boys marquee. Never has there been a bigger waste of human energy than putting that up this afternoon. And finally, we're all just going to ignore that fart sound, huh?

I mean, it has to be porn, but I hope it's Yelp, because that's even worse if it's Yelp. Brandi, thoughts? It probably is porn. I also wish it would be Yelp. I want this to be...

I want it to be like a Chuck E. Cheese. The bucket guy in the suit. This is the Anne Frank house. The diarrhea of Anne Frank. Hey, did you hear something upstairs? I swear I heard it was like a creaky board, but it was stinky. Hello?

Hello? Nazis. The Judenbanken. Let's see what the answer is. Mike? Harley Quinn versus Shane Diesel. The gun is very upsetting. Also, I don't like that it's versus.

It's a team sport. It fucking is a team sport. There should not be something that you're not pursuing. I'm sorry I left off Dawn of Justice. All right, wow. Swing and a miss on the last one. Cool.

All right, let us point you out, everybody. One more time for Cool. All right, that is Porn or Yelp, everybody. One more time for Randy Pongy. Thank you guys so much. Ron Swallow. Two aggressively overqualified human beings. One of our more fun games of Porn or Yelp, I would say. Yeah, that was a good time. It was just a shockingly graphic amount of penises, I think.

You could see the waitstaff of the palace get really bummed out at how much graphic nudity there was. We raised our expectations, did a bunch of plugging and unplugging of cords for this. Well, yeah, because our show is so interesting where it feels real weird when no one's there because so much work went into making it. Yeah. Which to me makes it even funnier. It was to a degree. We always talk on the show about how like, you know, what we do is predicated on trying.

It's not one of these things where you say, I don't know, I'm going to give a shit. It's like, no, you got to write a joke. You got to try to make it funny. If it fails, that's going to be funny for a different reason. Yeah. We try and swing 100% of the time. So did we put on a multimedia event for four people? Yes.

Yeah. It was like watching like the fireworks at Disneyland if they were just for the overnight janitor. That is so hauntingly perfect. Thank God we had our ace in the hole to bring us home with the best Mean Boys segment of all time. Tom Goss helped us out. Yeah, I'm the hole.

Wait, what? You're the ace, you jackhole. I'm ace hole. Ace hole. Private eye. Ace hole. Tom G Ace Hole. Ace Hole, private eye. Ace Hole, Tom Goss. You are an Ace Hole. Double O, Goss Goss.

Enjoy Tom's last appearance on the podcast. He is fired, as of now. Ace Hole says goodbye. This is not a joke. From Ace Hole, Tom Goss, Ace Hole, goodbye, right now. See ya. If you could see Tom's face right now. See ya. If you could see Tom's face right now, he is committed so hard.

Acehole, about to do some lightning rounds. To a character that I guarantee he could not explain. Acehole, gus gus. Tom, explain to me what Acehole is. Acehole. He's like a Pokemon. Acehole makes you explain. Acehole. Hole in the ace. Acehole Tom Goss. Acehole. Hole in the ace. Acehole, Tom Goss.

Fuck you! Clear as I can tell. Fuck you, you piece of shit! You don't fuck me. Ace fucks you. In the hole. Acehole, Tom Goss. I'm so mad at you. Don't spade me, bro. Don't spade

me. Hearts. No. Acehole. Don't spade me. Hearts. No. Ace Hall. Fuck you. Diamonds. I own them, but I'm Ace Hall. Shut up.

Yeah, Ace Hall seems to be an 80s investment banker that is only capable of saying his own name after he got hit by a taxi. Backwards hat, Ace Hall. All right, well, enjoy the lightning round. Smash Mouth. Oh, fuck. Tom, how did at this episode we might have found a best of all time moment? Bro, if you don't think I'm going, I'm literally,

when we're done with this, going to write the Acehole sketch for next week. Yeah. You mean tomorrow? Yeah. Shut up. Ace hole. Ace hole. Ace hole. You don't hole me, I ace you in the hole. Ace hole. Two words, six letters. Spell it how I want

you to, bitch. Ace hole. There's seven letters. No, you spell it my way. How do you spell it? With six letters. You want me to count now? Fuck you. Ace Hall. The only thing I count is monsters. Energy drinks. I don't even count Red Bulls, bitch. That's my girlfriend's job.

Ace Hall. Who's your girlfriend? Who's your girlfriend? Hole of twos. No, Ace of twos. No. Ace of twos. Tom, shut up.

You shut your fucking whore mouth right now. Tom's improv skills just, hang on, I'll wait for you to not die. Three hole. Tom's improv skills just got foiled by the fact that he does not understand how cards work. I spend so much of my life trying to convince people that you're not retarded.

No more. Never again. Acehole. Short bus. Acehole. Acehole eats retards for breakfast, bro. Acehole. Alright, we're gonna retire Acehole for a minute. Okay, goodbye. You wanted to say it

one more time. Ace Hall is out. America! You can't see what his hands are doing, but it's horrible. Ace Hall. Fuck you. Me, bro. Ace Hall. He looks like whatever fucking

Guile would win in Street Fighter. He's just like pointing vaguely patriotically. This is like if like Job from Arrested Development had a concussion. The man, the myth, the legend, Tom Goss, ladies and gentlemen. And if you know the show, you know what's

happening if Tom's here. Next slide. It's time for the motherfucking lightning round. Yeah. We don't even have to explain this shit. You guys are cool. Tom's brand. You heard the edgy purple bullshit. You get it. We're going to throw some more into Tom. We're going to see how Tom...

Purple is wonderful. That's what you're getting offended about? He said purple on his back. Yeah, I was going to say, he didn't speak purple. Okay, we're not having a town hall meeting about the rainbow. He said it was an edgy pink. It is. That's fine.

Hey, how... I love it. Order in the court! Lady, you are five abortion jokes and 20 porn pictures into the show and you got offended about purple. This is the best thing

to happen to me all year. I started a party about purple. This is the best thing to happen to me all year. I start a fight about colors. Fuck magenta. Hey, her name might be magenta. That's very rude. All right, Tom, explain parrots. Go. Oh, squawky pigeons.

Nuclear power. What? Nuclear power. Oh, um, uh, uh, squawky pigeons. Nuclear power. What? Nuclear power. Oh, uh, um, uh, uh, uh, no sunshine, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, energy. Instagram. Oh, um, uh, uh, picture of me watching me. The trombone. The trombone?

Yeah. Okay, uh, uh, sad time trumpet. All right, Tom, the devil. Oh, um, uh, uh, ed time trumpet. All right, Tom, the devil. Oh, edgy God. Back to the future. I haven't seen that, but I think it's like butterfly effect, but someone's going to fuck his mom or something like that. Amazingly, that that is correct Oregano

Explain oregano Oregano? Yeah That's edible sage right? San Diego Comic Con Oh uh uh uh Nerd orgy Chandeliers

Oh um uh uh uh Sealing Christmas balls Soup Nerd orgy. Chandeliers. Ceiling Christmas balls. Soup. Bad Kool-Aid. All right, Tom. Math. Number words. Cynicism.

What? Cynicism. Oh. Take it as it is alright Tom Native Americans this is our house the pancreas oh shit Tom got sad organ alright Tom Vicodin The Pancreas. Oh, shit. Tom Gossad Organ.

All right, Tom. Vikenin. Vikenin. Vikenin. Oh, uh... Oh, oh, um... Dick Flattner. You guys got any?

Reasonable? No? All right, cool. Thanks for participating. All right, Tom. Name five comic books. Oh, uh... Spider-Man, books. Oh, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman,

Bird-Man, Bird-Woman, and Punisher. All right, Tom. 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven bodily fluids. Okay, cum, blood, urine, period blood, vagina mucus, blood, urine, period blood, vagina mucus,

saliva, and snot. Alright, Tom. Name seven fat people. Oh, me, Keith, Kyle Kinda, Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, my dad sometimes, and Roseanne Barr. 30 seconds on the clock.

Name seven monsters. Okay, boogie. Count. Jason. Fuck. Snakes. Dinosaurs. Under the bed monster and closet monster.

I don't know many monsters. Zombies. Zombies. Keith is and closet monster. I don't know many monsters. Zombies. Zombies. Kids is a closet monster. That's not real. Like five of those were people, but... All right, Tom, name seven iPhone apps. Oh, Angry Birds, Waze, Maps, Email, Map My Run, My Fitness Pal, and Madden NFL 17.

We get it. You're jogging. Tom, 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven things you'd find at a birthday party. Oh, presents, people, clowns, the Stab the Donkey game, um, uh, fuck, um, balloons, uh, friends and pedophiles. Oh, fuck. Balloons,

friends, and pedophiles. That's our show, everybody. Thank you for coming. Hit that last slide, Mike. On the count of three. One, two, three. Fuck everything. God is dead. Well, that was Mean Boys

Live at the Comedy Palace Volume 1 Stay tuned for Endless Bomber Part 2 on Thursday Fucking, hey Donate to the Patreon You can tell we need it Leave us a review on iTunes I don't know

Apparently that's good. We still have a t-shirt you can buy. That's a thing you should do. Hey, could you sell our merch not like you're narrating your father's funeral? I'm sorry. I was trying to be funny. I know.

Yes, Ed. You would think we would understand the basic concept of comedy after doing it for many, many years. Thank you guys for listening. We'll be back on Thursday with episode two featuring the sordid tales of what went down in Fresno. No one expects a tale of redemption to take place at a Denny's in Fresno, at least of all us. But that's kind of what happened. This is going to get a whole lot worse and then marginally better. That Denny's was made for that show.

All right. Let's save it. We'll get to Denny's. Alright. Fuck everything to be continued. But you know, fuck it. There's four of us, and the four of us had a good fucking time.