Mean Boys - EP 73 - Muppet Ass Bitch (feat. Anna Valenzuela & Dave Sirus)

Episode Date: August 4, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Ash Gets Radicalized", “Did They Die?”, "Star Wars or Racial Slur", and a game of "Which of the Following" with patron saints by @FannyChapcranter. Watch The Tom Lightning Round Live at Comic-Con: youtu.be/2a8yt9GYtTM Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Listen to Tom’s podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-t…d1197690915?mt=2 Listen to Connor’s new podcast with Adam Tod Brown: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1235651909 Follow our guest Anna Valenzuela on Twitter: twitter.com/annavisfun Follow our guest Dave Sirus on Twitter: twitter.com/davesirus Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. Hi, hi, hi. We've got a great show for you this week with Anna Valenzuela and Dave Cyrus joining us in the studio. Extra fat show. We've got an extra segment, a bunch of dumb

sketches and bullshit. It's a big ol' throbber. So enjoy this one. We've got a few live shows coming up. September 19th at Harvell's in Long Beach. Check that one out. Keith and I are on the road in Northern California. The third week of August, I believe,

all those dates are going to be on the Mean Boys Twitter with links to buy tickets and all that stuff. Going all over the place. So if you're up there anywhere, there will be something within 45 minutes drive from you. We're going to be around. Subscribe to the show on Patreon. We have an extra special Patreon bonus concept this week.

Ramsey Badawi watches a video of a man coming onto a picture of his face. Yeah, we finally got one of you monsters to blow a load on Ramsey. That's really all we started this show for. Yeah, that was the whole mission statement behind it. If you want to see Ramsey unknowingly walk into a cum facial. Yeah, do that. And then you can watch the video on Twitter. With the energy of Joe Pesci walking into that room where he thinks he's getting made

at Goodfellas and they just blow his brains out. Oh, absolutely. It's pretty great. Oh, really? I'm going to have to vape extra hard to forget about this. Ah, geez, guys. So that's fun. Five bucks to hear that one.

Ten bucks. We got some cool stickers dropping this month. Tom Goss' Barack Obama, me and Keith just being, like, you know, semi-nude and, like, gay or whatever. So all that fun stuff. If you haven't already, if you can't afford to give to us on Patreon, or you don't like us that much, but you still like us and want us to feel like we're doing something with our lives, leave us a review on iTunes. Yeah, it's very useful.

Very easy. Only takes a moment. One of the only funny podcasts I download as soon as it comes out. Really good if you like smart, mean comedy, not lazy bro comedy. I don't know what show he thinks he's listening to, but thank you, stoning fan. Uh-oh. Yeah. I don't know if that is a fan of getting stoned or maybe just like a...

Keep them in their place. Yeah, I got to vet these better because I think Isis just gave us a thumbs up. Oh, boy, are they going to like one of the sketches on this one? Indeed they will. If you have any ideas for games, be they which of the following games or weird little one-off games like Ikea Furniture, Lovecraft, Villain, all that shit, send it to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com or drop us a line about anything. We love to hear from you. We respond to all the emails. Yeah, we think you're great.

And if you want to leave us a voicemail, we've got kind of not that many creepy voicemails left. So go ahead and drop us a line at 304-805-MEAN. That is 304-805-6326 for all you fucking simpletons out there. And just one quick show note, just because I think this is the first time this will have happened. We've been recording a little further out than we usually do, so there may be some, like, topical references

that are a little dated now. We know. Yeah, yeah, so... So nobody thinks we don't have our finger on the pulse of hot, hot comedy. Well, I saw a lady slipped out a banana peel and fell into a wood chipper. It wasn't addressed. I'm canceling my subscription.

Anyway, that's about it. This is going to be a great show for you guys. Enjoy it very much. Blah, blah, blah. Did we do Don Carlos in that? No. Okay. Also, eat at Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California.

It is the best burrito. And he asked us to do this for a year. We've forgotten probably 20% of the time. So we're just going to do it probably forever. You know, until the sun explodes or the governments or whichever comes first. If we have sold the one burrito, I will be baffled. Yeah, me too. But, I mean, it's brand awareness.

Yeah. There's guys in Australia that reluctantly know about a burrito place in will be baffled. Yeah, me too, but I mean, it's brand awareness. You know? Yeah. There's guys in Australia that reluctantly know about a burrito place in La Jolla, and I don't think you could say that before, so I think he's getting a pretty good return on his investment. But seriously, it's goddamn fine Mexican food. Have them cater your next event. Go to eataburrito.com for more information.

Most of the information is burrito-related, but I mean, there's some good stuff on there. Enjoy the show. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Go into the arts. Make everyone's life better and your life drastically worse. I'm Connor McSpadden.

I'm Keith Carey. I'm Dave Cyrus. And I'm... A kind of sexy camel. Cigarette sales have remained stagnant. I mean, they're not going down, they're not going up. I'll tell you that right now. Bold move.

Joan Camel. Joan. Oh, man. We areel. Joan Camel. Oh, man. We are joined in studio by Dave Cyrus and friend of the show, Anna Valenzuela. Hi. Hey, everybody. Anna finally doing one of our studio shows, which are just about as well attended as our live show.

Yay. She gave them one of the good live shows. She did, yeah. Yeah, that was dope. The Harv Ells ones was great. Oh, you were on our first live show, too, actually. Yeah, yeah. The very-

The first Armenian groceries. Yeah, Arabian. Arabian groceries. Or whatever. Learn was great. You were on our first live show too, actually. The most Armenian groceries. Arabian groceries. Learn the lore, you racist. What do you mean you don't know how to spell Karnak? You're fired. Go get your exposure somewhere else, camel bitch. You a camel bitch.

The last time she was on the show was the before time when people came to your shows. But long, long ago. Let's do a tell right now. You know what they call them? In a fucking Thunderdome? I don't remember. Nobody cares!

Yeah. Fuck, what was I going to say? Anna and I first bonded over me saying that she looked like a Muppet. And then me doing a Muppet pimp voice, who I think sounds something like this. Oh, you finished Muppet Bitch? Oh, you finished Muppet Bitch? I'm going to make it. No, you ain't going to make shit, Muppet Bitch.

You're going to make the back of my car dirty. You're going to make me some money, Muppet Bitch. Jeff Dunham will have it. Nobody wants your sticky felt pussy, Muppet Bitch. My felt is beautiful. Your felt is raggedy ass. I'm a raggedy ass. You got five hands in your ass.

What kind of puppet are you? We would do this for hours in front of Anchor Bar. I would do this until my throat was bleeding and Anna was crying. That sucks. Exactly like an actual 70s ventriloquist. The puppet's name is something I won't even say on this show. It was a black ventriloquist who

has two puppets named Funky Honky and Nasty. Won't finish the sentence. Okay. We'll throw the Jamar button in there. We'll fix it in post. Usually applies to audio issues on the Mean Boys podcast. Racial slurs.

And stick around because there's going to be a lot more of them later. Indeed there will be. All right, guys. I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke off? Let's do it. Ay, so topical. What?

There's no Tom to play the sound effect at the exact same time every show? Ay, so topical. All right. Well, we're updating that. How are you the one Mexican in here and you still sound the whitest? Yeah, my parents were trying to protect me. They were like, whitewash this bitch.

We wanted her to succeed. If anyone asks, you're tan or Armenian or something. Just shut up and eat your quesadilla. I'll take us away this week. Energy sick... Okay, Keith, you go. Great start. All right, I'll go first.

A mother attempted to hide her newborn son's heroin addiction by secretly dosing the infant with Oxycontin. The baby knew something was wrong when he looked up and saw himself crawling on the ceiling. A new Chinese sex doll has been created that is so advanced it actually has the ability to sing. It just doesn't want to. Oh, no. Oh, man. We were talking about this on the outside.

There's an article where they're like, they invented a sex doll with frigid settings so you can simulate rape. And I was just like, that's a mannequin. Simulate rape sounds like you're simulating marriage to me. I've never been in a relationship that lasted longer than nine months. Oh, I got intimacy issues out the air. I'm not going to prioritize it over here. I've never been in a relationship that lasted longer than nine months. Oh, I got intimacy issues out the air. I'm not going to prioritize it over here. I'm the somnifile.

Oh! I can change him. Oh, my God. That emotionally needy sex talk. Are we talking about your husband or that baby from earlier? I don't know. Both. I got these maternal instincts and nothing to do with them.

All right. And as a tramp, that was just an expiration date for her eggs. Took them the back of milk from five years ago.

Just give it. Give it a smell test. Smell it. You're like, yeah, it's probably fine. It's a little chalky, but swish it around a little bit and it's

on her back so they know she doesn't have any left. We can make banana bread with it. Oh, that's not, it's probably fine. It's a little chalky. Let's swish it around a little bit. And it's on her back so they know she doesn't have any left. We can make banana bread with it. Oh, that's not how it works? Whatever. All right. A 17-year-old's legs were severed below the knee.

He couldn't hear the train with his earbuds in. The teen is suing for $200,000 in damages or $300,000 in title credits. Energy Secretary Rick Perry has been duped into a prank phone call by Russian comedians pretending to be the prime minister of Ukraine. White House staff are vowing to never be fooled again by the jerky Bolsheviks. They only get worse from there. In Soviet Russia, boys jerk you. And then go to prison.

Where they eat turnip. And then gun. And then done. And then go to prison. Where they eat turnip and then gun. And then done. And then gun. A bear broke into a Colorado home and ransacked the kitchen. In my defense, I was very hungry and we don't get the Patreon money until the first. This is coming out after the first. Oh, no.

News from the past. Welcome to the world of tomorrow. The magic of broadcasting has been fucking debunked. I am the man behind the curtain, and we're all going to probably die before this comes out. The first posthumous mean boys. Angelina Jolie has been diagnosed with Bell's palsy, a disease that will make her unable to move one side of her face. Doctors are blaming God for half-assing the job. All right.

That was a very strong anti-angelina jolie stance dave uh espn just aired cornhole the championship of bags because championship of bags was too on the nose cornhole is like the white well it should be if white people had a national game like that's what like whenever i see cornhole anywhere i go ape shit i, like, that's what... Yes. Whenever I see cornhole anywhere, I go, ape shit. I am so stoked. That's your whole jam? Yeah. One time, my grandma beat everyone at a Christmas cornhole tournament in the McSpadden family, and that was a big talking point for years to come.

How funny. I call cornhole pussy horseshoes. Yeah, it really is. A neurodegenerative brain disease called CTE has been found in 99% of the brains of deceased football players. The affliction usually manifests right next to the Abdullah Ablam gotta punch my girlfriend.

I stuttered right at the medical term. We really fudged that up. You know the part you can't fuck up? Make sure you fuck that part up. Yeah, I sure did. A teenage girl was found dead on a train track in England. When asked if they could solve the railway murder, police said, quote,

We think we can. We think we can. Larry David recently learned that he is a distant cousin of Bernie Sanders. This was big news to anyone who didn't already know how incredibly inbred Jews are. Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. We're so inbred. I always thought that sixth finger was just something that you bought with your SNL money. It's why none of us can breathe. Oh, my God.

Is that real? We're like pugs. We need to breathe. We need to sleep with a bone in our mouths. I guess we're all behind that wall in Israel and the shit just goes around. Oh, it's like 8,000 years of don't intermarry. This is what happens. Well, enjoy that, Anna. Oh, all right like 8,000 years of don't intermarry. This is what happens. Well, enjoy that, Anna.

Oh, all right. Let's see. A Pakistani tween revenge-raped the sister of his own sister's rapist. Charges were dropped when it was discovered he said, Tag, no rape backs. God. That was the most convoluted incest description. I'm still not totally sure what happened.

I read that story and I wanted to read a joke about it, but it was just like a fucking tongue twister trying to figure out how to explain it. A dude raped a girl, and then the town council decided that for punishment, the girl who got raped's brother was going to rape the first rapist's sister. Wait, what kind of King Solomon shit is this?

It's a bad place and the joke's not my fault. Don't try and disavow. You fucking coward. Fall on your rape sword. We cut the baby in half and then the right half rapes the dad of the lady that stole the grain from the Jewish guy. An eye for an eye makes the whole world raped. It's from the code of homorapy. That's the code of harambe.

That's what memes get you, Internet. A world where this is happening and we're just talking about Beaver's car crash. That's the first hit he's had in a while. Am I right, gang? An Indiana couple has visited every Cracker Barrel in the United States except for one. The Yoder family says they plan to complete their mission by eating off of Keith Carey's torso later in the year.

A founding member of Israel's first boy band drowned this week. He is mourned by the remaining members of his band, Blake 182. I'm so sorry. I love it, but I hate it. Sometimes you have four and you're like, ah, they're going to be here in 30 seconds. I feel like my dick came out of nowhere and slapped me in the face. I'm going to borrow one from you, Keith.

Get out of your own house. Fair. A new study shows that the sperm counts of North American men have dropped dramatically, causing overall lower chances of conceiving children. You can hear more about this from every guy on Tinder when asked to put on a condom. I have a Mexican joke off Showdown on that one.

Sperm counts among Western men have been halved in the last 40 years. If they continue to drop at this rate, fertility will approach an asymptote. That is the second asymptote joke I've made in as many weeks. And you know what? I'm sorry. Here's the thing. I don't know what that means, but I do know what not being able to fuck his condom suck is. So I'm giving it to Dave.

Yeah, that's fair. Mostly did that so I can get out of the way and try to use one of these other B-sides. John McCain returned to the Senate to cast a decisive vote on health care. It was the first time votes were cast in yay, nay, and oh! John McCain in

Young Frankenstein. You made a yummy sound. McCain smash. Minneapolis has expanded its required use of police body cameras. If the program is successful, it may be expanded to full-sized Appalus. Oh, my God. Kill yourself and take your family with you. I've stopped trying to write good ones and just started to write ones that annoy everybody else.

That's infuriating. Full-sized Appalus. Newark County, fuck yourself. All right. And finally, a golden retriever went viral after it gave birth to a rare green puppy. The owners say they haven't seen a gross dog get this much unneeded media exposure since Anna Valenzuela's appearance on Roast Battle 2. Appearance.

Is that how they say appearance in England? Yeah. Hey, shut up. I got most of the way through. She leaned all over the place at that time. It was an appearance. It looks as though she's been beat with an aluminium bat. Dreadful appearance.

This cunty labradoodle needs to get off my telescreen. Consult the experts in full-sizeapolis. To the lift! That's what they call helicopters now. England, everything's bullshit. A twirly-whirly Brexit bird. Get out, you immigrants! Brexit Bird!

A killer whale rammed into an Alaskan fishing boat this week. Police said they weren't sure if they should shoot it because part of it's black but also part of it's white. What sex move is the Alaskan fishing boat? Is that where you freeze one of your poops and you hit her with it and then fuck her from behind? One man died and several were injured in a ride accident at the Ohio State Fair.

Officials state, finally, an attraction that kills faster than the fried butter stand. That's more of a put crack in the communities type poisoning. That's a lot more instant gratification. Just population control, man. And taking us home, crews working to expand the Los Angeles subway system have repeatedly found prehistoric fossils. There's no word yet on what these construction workers plan to do with all these actresses in their 30s. That joke is going to be very funny in L.A. and mean nothing to anyone else. Within a 50-mile radius of where we are right now, that is a perfect joke.

Yeah. And all the people cut themselves. All those women were just like, no, I'm old. And then they did that. Hey, we'll have you on the Mean Boys podcast, right, Anna?

All right, that was fantastic. The important thing is there's no cameras in here. Yeah, they can't see my wrinkles and dying face. Thank God, because if you zoomed in on Keith,

it would look like Abu Ghraib. The Mean Boys podcast will be back in a minute. Prepare for trouble and make it double. To ensure the West's self-immolation. To capture cities for a Sunni nation. To denounce the evils of Christian rule.

And make at-risk youths think we're cool. Jesse. James. Team ISIS blasting off at the speed of light. Surrender now or prepare to fight. That's right! Arbok, use your acid attack to disfigure that woman's face for her indecency. A la Horbok!

Pikachu, we've got to do something about this! Pika-pee? Metapod, use grandstanding social media post! Weezing, use sarin gas on your own people. I'm pretty sure that was a different Middle Eastern thing. Shut the fuck up. Nothing's happening. Charizard, start a flame war against someone who would never read or be influenced by your tweets.

Meowth, use clitoral mutilation. With pleasure. Nothing's working! We need to save these innocent people! Pidgeotto, use fly to bring the asylum seekers to Kanto! There's a travel pad, Ash. Nothing's going right. The only job I could find after school was

an unpaid internship categorizing monsters for an old man. I've been 12 for like 20 years. Misty doesn't want to fuck me. I'll never change the world. Wow, my cock. If you can't beat us, join us. Well, the uniforms are pretty cool. Got another one.

Looks like our recruitment strategies are blasting off again. And the Meat Boys podcast is back, everybody. We are back with a game that we played for our Patreon bonus listeners. Now we're bringing it to the regular show. This is a game called Did They Die? And guess what?

The rules of the game are the name of the game. Okay. We've looked up some wacky news stories, and we're going to just read through sort of the basic description. We have to figure out if these people died or not. The first one, quote, a chimp in a dike. A chimp in a dike. Wow. It sounds way worse

than I heard it. What kind of joke is this about to be? A chimp in a diaper broke. A chimp in a dike. Wow. That sounds way worse than I heard it. What kind of joke is this about to be? A chimp in a diaper broke out of an RV and attacked a Walmart employee. The guy that took your job? Oh, yeah. That's a callback to the special needs man who took my job at a Walmart. Stop them shows. It was a good hire. He knew how to count stuff.

Because Keith's life is a Tom Waits song. I think you think Tom Waits is way more fun than he is. Yeah, the piano's been drinking, not me. Wow. Okay, chimps are pretty bloodthirsty, but Walmart, there's a lot of people around. Maybe someone was able to intervene, although I don't know if people that are shopping at Walmart are super altruistic. If I'm at a Walmart and I see a guy with a chimp diaper on his head, I'm like, that's

a bad day for him. I'm going to go. Yeah, if I'm anywhere and there's a violent chimp involved, I'm like, this's a bad day for him. If I'm anywhere and there's a violent chimp involved, I'm like, this shit's between y'all. I don't know what you said to the chimp. I have two questions. Where's the Walmart and how old is the chimp? America and I don't know. It's approximately

chimp years old. It's at a fighting age. I'll say that. How recently did you get your Scholastic's Animal Facts book? How would that have possibly changed your answer? That chimp hit menopause and he was protecting his eggs. I think it was in Florida. Of course it was.

Of course. I just want to know if it's an open carry state. I know. Gunfight at the fucking chimp corral. The chimp corral. Oh my God. Fuck. All right, Dave. What are your thoughts on this? Well, I mean, it takes so little for a chimp to kill you. The Chimp Corral Oh my god Fuck Alright Dave

What are your thoughts on this? Well I mean It takes so little For a chimp to kill you They will literally Rip your hands and dick off Yeah chimps So strong

They're just like weird Like street fighting raiden They're just like bang Like you know They're just going I'm gonna say That guy's alive I'm gonna say

Now are we saying Is the person Or the chimp dead? The person Okay oh no The person I'm gonna say The person's alive But I'm going to say now are we saying is the person or the chimp dead? The person. Although the person, I'm going to say person's alive but he ate his eyes. Holy fuck. Just to be fun, I'm going to go with person is dead. I appreciate that.

The person is alive. He's alive and he has his eyeballs. Does he have his dick though? I mean, probably. They didn't specify. I mean, they probably put it in a jar and gave it to him to hold on to. They didn't specify he has the dick, but they didn't say he didn't have the dick. And I feel like that's your leading line. Chimp takes dick.

In a clickbait-driven journalism world, if a guy loses his dick to a chimp with a diaper, you're going to hear about that. They're not going to bury that lead. Yeah, exactly. All right. Number two. A man in Dubai crashed his car into a semi truck. He was pulled from the wreck safely and walked to the side of the road to await an ambulance and then was immediately hit by a different car.

Oh, shit. It's probably the one woman driver they have. This is what we were trying to tell you. I thought for some reason I heard Canada, but that's Dubai. I got it now. Fuck. Hit by two cars. In the course of like five minutes.

You know what's fucked up? If this was a dog and it survived, it would be on the front page of Reddit for a month. Everyone would not be able to look, oh, the miracle dog. Look how cute. I put a mustache on him. Because some brown guy did a thing with some cars. go, oh, the miracle dog, and look how cute. I put a mustache on him. Because it was just like, ah, some brown guy did a thing with some cars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because this is in a fancy hotel

fucking Akistan. Fancy hotel Akistan? Well, we have an episode title. Yeah, I'm going to say that guy's dead. Okay. I feel like he's dead because what I've heard about the driving in UAE is that it's the most dangerous place on earth.

Yeah, it's just like speed limit is virgins or whatever. Yeah, I'm going to say dead. I'm going dead. The correct answer is he's dead. Yay! He got hit by a car going like 120 miles an hour. He died as fuck. He was hit by like a canary yellow Lamborghini.

I was going to say a body. I just imagine like the car hit him and it didn't even like, you didn't see the body go, it just turned into just mist. Oh yeah, it's like when you hit one of those melon. Yeah, when you hit those joke golf balls, you know, just poof. Yeah, well, good thing is the guy that hit him is probably third in line to the throne

in that country. Number three, quote, a porn actor was rushed to the hospital after his co-star, high on meth, accidentally bit directly through his penis. Whoa. That's metal. The chimp didn't take the dick, but this lady may have. Oh, this was a lady.

The lady bit the penis. Okay, I was thinking it was a gay porn. Okay, I'm going to say she's dead. Was she choked? I'm going, he's alive yeah a bunch of men's rights activists went and killed you you take one of ours we put the you're in the you're go die

good good riff con man that guy's alive all right we got alive we got alive alive yeah okay the right answer is that man is alive fun fact that woman after being high on meth spit what was left of the dick out of her mouth and then ran screaming naked into the street. Had to be like corralled and pulled back into the house they were shooting at.

What were they shooting for? Do you know what company or what website it was? I could not remember. I could probably find out. Is it local? I would give anything to know what she was paid for that scene. I imagine they doctor pay a bit. Like, hey, we got to put a bandaid on this dude's dong.

Yeah. Does that come out of her cut? Well, it was supposed to go in her cut, but... Everybody bummed each other out on the Bean Boys podcast. Number four. A Texas man attempted to commit suicide by dousing himself on gasoline and setting himself on fire. Before he could light the match, a cop tased him and the taser ignited the gasoline. Damn it, Texas. The one time you have a great excuse

to hit somebody with your club in the jug. We should have never put the Keystone Cops on suicide patrol. What's Keystone Cops? It's an old-timey reference. Yeah, it's bad cops. That's kind of like a cop just shooting at you as you're going down from having jumped off a building.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shoot him back up. Break his fall. Make him aerodynamic. He'll float like the fucking feather from Forrest Gump. Oh, yeah, and then the firefighters put the trampoline and aim it towards a fucking something that makes like a needle pit or whatever. They set the trampoline and just your organs are just falling off. Turns into some weird game

of like burger time. Free meat. All right. I'm going to say that guy's dead. Okay. That's not a super thing. That's not something you...

Yeah. Fire burns you. I don't know what happened to me. I need to drink some fucking water. Yeah, you are losing your mind. Here. I'm going to say alive. Okay.

We got a dead man. We got alive. I'm going to say alive because there was a cop right in front of him when it happened yeah and since it was his fault he might try to like stop it like they don't i love that your idea of the cops is just like oh we're only gonna stop this because we kind of fucked why pretty much cops don't even know how to like give rape kits i can't imagine he has a fire extinguisher on on the ready like all right stop drop and roll let's get you near some sand, I feel like that's pretty low on his priority list.

Also, like, dudes burning alive has got to be pretty deep into the police handbook. Yeah. You know? The great answer is that man is alive. Oh, shit. He lived. Probably not well, though. Yeah.

The thing was just, like, he's alive technically. Like, it really did not seem optimistic. His heart's beating. Yeah, exactly. Is he suing for everything? I don't know if he's doing a lot of stuff right now. Oh, no. He's not doing much of it. Yeah, he's kind of just chilling.

He's busy being a burned guy. He's busy having other people's skin fucking band-aided onto him. And finally. Isn't that what they do? Just like a postage stamp Where a guy just licks it And then he just goes like Alright there you go That's how skin grafts work

Yeah I'm pretty sure It's like making a paper mache Like a pinata Exactly That's what they do With Richard Pryor They use skin From other parts of your body

Like your inner thigh And your butt Yeah Oh but Wasn't all of him on fire He doused himself I don't know How thoroughly

Of a dousing was this I mean he just used The term doused Yeah So a lot Was this like When I used to put rubbing alcohol on my hand

and then pretend I was Johnny Storm in the suburbs for like two seconds? I think it was probably like his whole body. Okay. You usually miss your back

when you pour gasoline on yourself, though, so that's probably okay. All right. Buddhist monk joins us in studio, Dave Cyrus. What we're saying is make sure you get

like sunscreen, but the opposite. Like, you really want to make sure you get those hard-to-reach spots. Oh, man, why did I go with a pleather blend?

This isn't going to burn well. And finally, a dog jumped out of a 13th-story window and landed on a 75-year-old woman. That's awesome. Well, maybe not. What kind of dog? Do we know? I think it was like a Labrador or something. It was like a medium-sized dog.

It wasn't like a Chihuahua or nothing. Let's do a little math here. How many stories? 13 stories. About probably a 30-pound dog, we'll say. Accelerating. It's squishy. But it's like, imagine getting hit with a trash bag full of chili that fell out of a building.

Trash bag full of chili. Like all his bones liquefied on the way down imagine getting hit by keith's second album uh it's a good album it is yeah great introduction uh i think that lady's dead okay because she she falls down she hits the concrete bangs her dumb old head yeah i'm saying dead okay i'm gonna And it's her dog. I think I'm going to say dead because I hope the dog lived, and I feel like the only way the dog would have lived is if it hit her hard enough to die. This is a real Thunderdome, like two men and their one man leaves kind of situation. The correct answer is that lady and that dog are both dead as fuck. But wait.

So after this happened, a group of people stopped. This happened in Brazil. A group of people stopped in the street and just started watching what happened. While they were doing that, that group of people was hit by a bus and another person died. A man across the street saw the lady get hit by the bus, had a heart attack, and also died. What? What I'm saying is that was a bad dog. A very, very bad dog.

Did all these people survive a plane crash together and then God just had to follow them to the point This is why you don't make a strip mall on an Indian burial ground. What the fuck?

Have you seen that show Six Feet Under? Yeah. Yeah, so it's like or not Six Feet Under, a fucking dead, oh, God damn it. I'm going to have a

Dead and Loving It? Yeah, no. It's about the Grim Reapers. Welcome to your grandmas. Dead like me. Dead like me. Dead like me. And they just like

touched the dog and then a fucking like mousetrap worth of death just happened. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It wasn't worth it. Sorry, guys.

The important thing is it took a long time. Yay! That's everything that they did. We'll be back right after this with some more dumb bullshit. Hi, nerds. It's 42, a.k.a. Big Papa Party Pick.

If you listen to the Mean Boys podcast every week like me, you know that they are falling victim to a new type of super predator known as having to pay their rent on time. So I'm issuing an executive order. Contribute to the show on Patreon for bonus content, goofy bullshit like stickers, T-shirts, and more. Now let's leave this podcast how I left America, morally tarnished with a budget surplus.

And the Mean Boys podcast returns, and our guest Dave, I like how my voice cracked when they did it. It returned. Would you like to supersize your Dave Cyrus game? The Mean Boys podcast, I have to talk to a girl. Okay, I think that the answer to this problem is I have a boner, and I have to go to the nurse. Dave made us a racist Star Wars game. Tell us about it.

Yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like. I'm going to read you a few names, and you're going to guess, is it a Star Wars species. Tell us about it. Yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like. I'm going to read you a few names and you're going to guess, is it a Star Wars species or ethnic slur? Cool. Clanshot first. Up. Correctamunda. First one.

Pelagii. Spelling? I thought I was going to crush this. P-A-L-A-G-I. Okay. Racist term. For who? Pelagii.

I don't know. Let's try it in a sentence. The Pelagii's have captured the lightsabers. Get these Pelagii's off my lawn. I'm going Star Wars race. That doesn't have the sting of a racial slur to it. I'm going racial slur for people from the South Pacific.

I'm going, it's a Star Wars race specifically. These are all different races. They could be sentient or animals though. I'm going to say Star Wars race and it's that weird frog that sits outside of Jabba the Hutt's palace in the special edition of Jedi. So we're saying, Anna, that's a South Pacific.

It's a very specific islander, if you will. Well, it is an ethnic slur. It is a South Pacific word for white foreigner. Whoa! That was scary close. Damn. I grew up in a town full of old-timey races. Oh, shit.

You just won the fucking spelling bee. Did you already know that one? No. Wow. I just sort of contacted it. You got country of origin, and you're like, okay. Yeah. Wow.

That is fucking bonkers. Holy shit. A lot of second-generation Okies in my town. My tutor growing up used to say, Brazil nuts the old-fashioned way. Oh, no. I said that, too, to the point where I didn't know that wasn't what they were called until I had a very uncomfortable discussion at school. Oh, no.

I don't think I've ever seen a Brazil nut in real life. Oh, they're delicious. Are they really? Yeah. You have to use a crack, like a cracking. Where do you have to use a cracker? I had to pull back. I was like, ooh, too racy. You gotta get them from a cracker. Where do you have to use a cracker? I had to pull back. I was like, ooh, too racy. You got to get them from a cracker.

You got to get them from a cracker and then use a cracker on the cracker. You got to make sure you keep them on ice until you get them back to the house. All right. Next species or ethnic slur, Chubbit. That's me. Chubbit. That little buddy made of marshmallows. C-H-U-B-B-I-T.

Planet of origin? Trick question. Fuck, chub it. Space Mexico. Chub it. I feel like it's either a Star Wars species or it's Eskimos. Yeah, I can see it's a Canadian slur specifically for Eskimos. Yeah, you know, I'm going to say Star Wars.

Maybe it's like a Canadian. I feel like the only Canadian slur would be like, he doesn't take his trash cans in the day after. He lets it wait a couple days in the Chubbets. We still love them. I took them in for you. That's a Star Wars thing. I'm going to go Star Wars. A Chubbet is a lizard people enslaved by the Empire.

So which one is it? Alright, next one. Gank. Racial slur. Gank. Gank. That's like for some kind of Asian I've never even heard of. That's like frog weed. Like, oh man, this stuff is gank, Rivet. That's like for some kind of Asian I've never even heard of. That's like frog weed.

Like, oh, man, this stuff is gank, Rivet. Get the fuck out of here. Got to go to the gank. That's where you deposit your goo. A goo bank. A gank. Goo bank is the next one. Can you tell I've never taken an improv class?

I'm going to say racial slur. I'm going racial slur because that's short. It's one syllable. You know, it's harsh. Sounds angry coming out of your mouth. Yeah, it ends on a consonant. Yeah, gank. Gank.

A species of violent cyborgs. Oh. From Puerto Rico? Puerto Rico? The racial slur. Puerto Rico. No, no. The bionic Manuel. I'm pretty sure that MMA fighter is like black or something. The racial slur No no The bionic Manuel

I'm pretty sure that MMA fighter is like black or something No isn't there one named Cyborg I think you have the Justice League No there is one named Cyborg She's one of Before Ronda Rousey She was like the popular one Her and her husband are both called Cyborg

Her ex-husband and her husband's the one who recently got his forehead caved in. The slur I came up with for androids when they eventually exist is clinks. Like, oh, these clinks are taking all my jobs. That's great. Isn't that good? That's pretty great.

Next one, Yontensarum. That is some shoe racism. I was just going to say, that's racism for sure. This feels like some artisanal Mesopotamian racism. I think it's a racial slur from one kind of Jew to the kind of Jew they don't like. That's what I think it is. It's like one side of Israel to the other.

What do you think? Yontansarum, a Korean word meaning coal person. It's so much worse. And we're worse for thinking it was for juice! We're so sorry! And the fact that there's burning implied. We did a bad thing here, gang.

Oh, that one made me feel bad. Both of them ended up in trains over there. Oh, fuck. Get it together, Korea. Alright, next word. Splib. This is what I'm calling autistic people from now on, for sure.

Splib sounds like the name of a soda on a cartoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like slurm. Splib. Yeah, exactly. Mr. Splib. That's what Keith calls his dick. That's his dick.

That's the sound of the foreskin coming back. That's like a Mad Magazine sound for when you tuck your foreskin back. That's the generic slurm. Oh, yeah. That's like chess. That's great. Yeah, the Rite Aid brand. Oh, man.

This is a hard one. Real quick sub-question. Best Dr. Pepper substitute. I'm going Dr. Thunder. I go Mr. Pibb all day. I go Mr. Pibb over Dr. Pepper. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah, Mr. Pibb all day. I go Mr. Pibb over Dr. Pepper. Oh, okay. Interesting.

Yeah, Mr. Pibb. I didn't know there was another one besides Mr. Pibb. Oh, yeah. You don't go to enough fucking shitty grocery stores. Go to Food for Less, dog. Educate yourself. Oh, no. I'm a big Food for Less guy.

I just... I can't go. It is the saddest place in the world. It just breaks my heart. Oh, yeah. It's just like all these people are just trying their best to get by. You see a bunch of just kids stealing pretzels that are going to end up addicted to heroin at some point.

Funny Food for Less anecdote. There was a period of time when I lived in Atlanta. Never has been the beginning of a good story once. On three separate occasions inside six months, I ran into Joe Dosh at Food for Less. To the point that I was like, I'm afraid he's going to start thinking I'm stalking him and trying to cruise him at this Food for less. To the point that I was like, I'm afraid he's going to start thinking I'm stalking him and trying

to cruise him at this food for less. We just both need a big scoop of loose nuts or whatever. That turned into a gay joke and I didn't mean it to be. What is it? Splib. I'm going to say that is a Star Wars. I'm going to say racial slur. Ooh, Star Wars. Splib

is a term in the Marines for a black man, which, according to the Marines, is a non-offensive term, but I don't think they asked the black guys. Jesus. Those are the people that can't do magic in Harry Potter, right? The Splibs? All right, final round.

I'm going to do five, and you're going to guess if they're all Star Wars or all ethnic slurs. Okay. All right. guess if they're all Star Wars or all ethnic slurs. Okay. Alright. Kurtzen. Frong. Guineo. Moganite. Squidge.

Oh my god. Moganite. Because the guineo is... The Moganite media is trying to convince you. In case you're wondering, guineo is spelled G-U-I-N-E-O. Of course it is. It's guineo with one letter change. Yeah, I ate all that pizza

and now I'm in the guineo book of world records. God damn it. Fuck. These are all Star Wars. I'm going all Star Wars. I'm going all Star Wars because guineo is so on the nose. Squidge.

Yeah, but George Lucas is a terrible writer, so I'm going to mix it up and I'm going to say all slurs. They're all Star Wars. Yeah, but George Lucas is a terrible writer, so I'm going to mix it up and I'm going to say all slurs. They're all Star Wars, and yes, George Lucas is a terrible writer. He has species named guineos, slash rat, and seriously, what is a mongonite? Oh my god, slash rat? It sounds like something everyone at this table is dated. Yeah, it's a gash mouse or whatever. Worst DJ at the entire Hard Times Festival.

Oh, man. Well, that was Slur Wars. Thank you very much. We'll be right back after whatever we put here. Thar she blows Thar she blows again On the starboard bow. And ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast returns

to play a round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following. Yay! This game comes to us from Fanny Chapcranter, an early adopter of the Mean Boys podcast and friend of Anna Valenzuela. She writes in honor of the Mean Boys Patreon. And she wrote that in italics at the top of the paper so it kind of looks like a funeral program for the podcast.

It's an obituary for our fucking crowdfunding. Yeah. This is, which of the following is not a real patron saint? Oh. This is going to be kind of interesting. Number one, A, St. Catherine of Carthage, of Carthage. B,

St. Clara of Assisi. Oh, wait, I should read what the patron saints are. I think that's kind of the joke. St. Catherine of Carthage, the patron saint of unrequited love.

St. Clara of Assisi, the patron saint of television. St. Anthony the Abbot, patron saint of swine. Or St. Hubert of Leeds, patron saint of mad dogs. I am the patron saint of swine. Yes.

Ah, fuck. God, Catholicism is stupid. I know. You said St. Abbott is the saint of pigs? Yeah. And St. Costello is the... Just kidding, guys. And the patron saint of fucking up a piano moving.

I'm going to go with the pig guy. Okay. You got one pig guy? I'm going to go with the first one. Okay. You got one pig guy? I'm going to go with the first one, the patron saint of unrequited love. Keith Carey. What was D again? D was the patron saint of mad dogs.

I'm going to go with the pig guy as well. The fake one, A, patron saint of unrequited love. Ah. I wish there was a patron saint of big dogs and it's just an uncle that buys bad T-shirts that are really fat and covered in hot dog stains. Catholicism's all about unrequited love. There'd be no saint of that.

Yeah, because you love God and he's not real. Yeah, exactly. Catholicism is a great way to just never feel good. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Number two, which of the following is not a real patron saint? Saint Amabilis of Riam, patron saint of demonic possession. Saint Dominic Savio, patron saint of juvenile delinquents.

Saint William, venereal diseases. Or Saint Edward the Confessor, difficult marriages. Edward the Confessor had like the first Dr. Phil talk show. And he was just like, now tell me why you keep going away to drink mead in the shed, Abraham. I just don't love her anymore. I badly want the confessor guy to be real, because that means this guy tried to save marriages by forcing confessions out of people. Oh, my God. That's another word for torture.

How did the lipstick get on your tunic? It got a rack. I hate that fucking Catholics have Pokemon. That's basically what patron saints are. Yeah. Fuck. I don't know why I'm saying that like I'm guessing. Yeah's basically what patron saints are. Yeah. Fuck. I don't know why I'm saying that like I'm guessing. Yeah, you know.

Yeah, I do. I'm going to go with the patron saint of juvenile delinquents. Keith Carey. I'm going to... Because it should be Connor. I was actually a frightfully pussy little boy. I'm going to say juvenile delinquents as well. I think that one's...

I'm going to say venereal diseases. I don't know why they would make a saint for that. Alright, the fake one. Looks like the Christ killer's on the board. Saint William. Venereal diseases. Really wanted to say that. Round number three, which of the following is a real patron saint? A. Saint Nicholas. Patron saint of prostitutes.

B. Saint Gerard. Oh, that's a way cooler Santa. Hoes, hoes, hoes. Good night, St. Gerard. Oh, that's a way cooler Santa. Hose, hose, hose. Good night, everybody. Pussy Claus. I'm going to slide down your chimney, I tell you. Why does everybody sound like that?

I can only do one voice over here. Also, it makes it seem like I'm only doing lazy jokes as a character not because they're the best I could think of. It's a rhetorical device to promote mediocrity over here. B. St. Gerard. Patron saint of lepers.

Number C. Not a great day for me mentally. I think we're all having a stroke today. St. Julian the Hospitaller. Carnival workers. Patron saint of carnival workers. Or D. St. Monica. Patron saint of Carnival Workers. Or D, St. Monica, patron saint of Disappointing Children. My mom's praying that St. Monica rosary every night.

Just have him pay most of his car insurance next month. Oh, man. Hooker Santa's got to be real. I'm going to go St. Monica, the Disappointing Children, just because the name is so modern. St. Monica sounds like a really bad like America Ferrera sitcom that would come out

on ABC. Like the origin of Santa Monica just where all the disappointing children end up. I fucking hate Santa Monica.

It's fucking worse. I also think Saint Monica because I feel like the woman who wrote this was just feeling bad about herself and I'm guessing

Monica's her mom's name. Not true. That's dark. Deep emotional fucking detective work. What were the saint topics for B&C? For B&C, B was lepers, C was carnival workers. I think the leper one is a trick. I'm going to say the leper one. Alright, the fake one.

Looks like the cheeseburger killer is on the board. Saint leper. Oh shit. Yeah, that was a darn because you'd think there's so many lepers in the fucking Bible or whatever. You've got to have a leper in there. They also didn't give a fuck about leper. Oh, shit. Yeah, that was a darn... Because you'd think there's so many lepers in the fucking Bible or whatever. You've got to have a leper in there. But they also didn't give a fuck about lepers. They were bad. They deserved it.

Yeah, we're not canonizing anyone for you. We're not going to waste... Suck a dick on flesh, right? I'm not wasting some good stained glass over someone that's not going to have enough arms to give us their money and the collection did fucking whatever they do. Also, Mother Teresa should be the saint of lepers. She's the one who spent her whole life with lepers. Yeah, that makes sense.

It takes a while to become a saint, though, doesn't it? Yeah, have they, what do they call it, canonized? Oh, yeah. Is she a saint? Is she a saint? I thought they were making her a saint. Oh, yeah, I know Christopher Hitchens argued against it. Is it like Pete Rose,

we're going to have to protest every year to finally get her into sainthood? Well, I don't know if these are like... Oh, I'm not protesting. These could be non-Reformation saints because before that, you could basically be a saint just because you were murdered by Jews. I'm not joking. That was a big thing.

Why do you know so much about our God? What are you up to? Get out of here. Why you... That was a big thing in old English history. Basically, every time you owed a Jew a lot of money, you would kill a kid, blame him, and they would kill him. Hey, Chad.

Holy shit. That's a real... Hey, alt-right listeners kill a kid, blame him, and they would kill him. Holy shit! Hey, alt-right listeners, this one started reading. Let's take care of it. No, I'm kidding. Shut up. Stop listening. Oh, my God. We've got to move on.

Okay, sorry. Round number four. Which of the following is not a real patron saint? A. St. Bibiana, patron saint of hangovers. B. St. Cornelius, patron saint of twitching. C. St. Giles, patron saint of being afraid of the dark. Or D, St. Annabella, patron saint for people that are afraid of mice. So we've got an elephant, a childish fear, a twitch, and a hangover.

Keith Carey needs to go down to the fucking God story. Keith needs a hug with this round. I'm going to go with twitching. I actually have to also say that St. Cornelius of Twitching is the fake one because it feels like that's two jokes they're putting together at Keith.

Cornelius is also known as the Planet of the Apes guy. Wait, why am I the Planet of the Apes guy? Because I think this woman is mean. Cornelius of Twitching sounds like a British town from last week this woman is mean. Cornelius of Twitching sounds like a British town from last week's episode. Yes, Cornelius of Twitching.

I threw that dog at that old cunt. One more time, just what third the saint of. The third one is the saint, oh, the one through four of them. Hangovers, twitching, fear of the dark, fear of mice. Fear of the dark.

The fake one. D, fear of mice. Wow! I feel like that would be just like a really buff elephant. I got you, bro. We'll get through this. She's so smart.

All real or all fake. A, Saint Drogo. Patron saint of ugly people. Beating up Rocky. Patron saint of ugly people. Dying in the grassy fields. Patron saint of working out in the snow. Oddly homoerotically.

B, Saint Scholastica., patron saint of convulsive children. Saint Albinus of Angers, patron saint of pirate attacks. Or saint Chad of Mercia, patron saint of the unsuccessful. Saint Chad. Saint Chad. We've got to pray to saint Chad. Oh, God. I want this to be real so hard, but I have to go with all fake.

Okay. Dave Cyrus. Yeah, I say real. You say real? I want, yeah. I want this to be real so hard, but I have to go with all fake. Okay. Dave Cyrus. Yeah, I say real. You say real? I want, yeah. God, St. Chad. I'm stuck on St. Chad. Yeah, St. Chad.

Yeah, whatever, bro. Fucking do 10 Hail Mary J's. Yeah, do 10 kickflips and then come give me a handy. Do you even confess, bro? Do you even lift up your fellow man? I only make my protein shakes with holy water He just carries around a lot of beads And some of them are rosary

He's got rosary puka shells He's got a really short rosary His church is the only one with the big crucifix With Jesus on it But the Jesus has truck nuts No, underneath the crucifix it says hang ten Yeah but the Jesus has truck nuts? No, underneath the crucifix it says, hang ten. Yeah, his Jesus has a sticker of Calvin peeing on a star

of David. It's weird. Jesus is just leaning on the cross like Connor during a roast battle. You mad, bro? These are all real. Those are all real, everybody. Oh, no! I want to get some St. Chad memorabilia. The patrons ended the unsuccessful. That's perfect. Oh, my God. Waitabilia. The patrons hated the unsuccessful.

That's perfect. Oh, my God. Wait, it's the patrons hated the unsuccessful? Yeah. Well, I know who just became a Mean Boys character. This is what's really going to lift our show out of obscurity and ourselves out of poverty, is investing in a poster of a saint for a god we do not believe in. And we'll be right back to answer your listener botherings right after this.

Swoosh! May the love and blessings of our Lord Almighty be upon you. And also with you. Today we shall hear of the holy works of St. Chad, patron saint of all who aspire to be gnarly to the max. Gnarly to the max. St. Chad was born in mercia to a virgin mother he would later say my destiny was confirmed from birth for upon drawing my first breath i was already straight

up popping cherries and many cherries did he pop praise to saint chad cleaver of beavers as a young man saint chad demonstrated immeasurable charity towards his fellow man. He was the son of a carpenter, and with his hands fashioned from wood, the sickest half-pipe Murcia had ever seen. And he did share that half-pipe with all who sought refuge, saying to the masses,

He who has ears, let him hear. He who has feet, let him shred. May the light of the Lord shred within our hearts. One night as he slept, St. Chad was visited by Michael, the archangel, herald of the one true God. And he said unto St. Chad, Do you even lift the spirits of your fellow man, bro? Those who follow the word of the Lord will receive forgiveness. Those who do not will have their sins avenged sevenfold.

And so St. Chad set off on a holy pilgrimage to spread the gospel to the furthest corners of the sublime with Roman Empire. The St. Chad style comes straight from Long Beach. St. Chad traveled the road to Damascus upon a humble donkey, although the donkey's hooves were indeed lifted, and upon his haunches bore a brand of the cartoon Calvin urinating upon the devil. On the road he encountered Balthasar the leper, and he laid hands upon the leper, and lo, he was cured. Balthasar wept tears of joy as he praised the healing power of Christ, but when he attempted to thank St. Chad, St. Chad responded only with a humble,

No homo, bro. And on he pressed. It's only gay if the leper nuts. St. Chad found a group of beggars splitting a scrap between them as they starved in the street. But with a wave of his hand and the power of the Lord, he transformed that meager bread crust into a bounty of Doritos Loco Crunchwrap Supremes. Now available in Nacho, Cool Ranch, or Fiery Habanero. St. Chad came across a town where a young girl had been stricken by plague and was being laid to rest. St. Chad entered her tomb, and after 15 minutes, the town gasped as she was resurrected,

walking forth from the cave and into the light. And when asked what she remembered, she said, There was darkness, eternal and enveloping, and then a hand reached into the dark and touched my hand, coursing life into my veins. And then the hand went lower and started doing some other stuff I wasn't super into because I was still unconscious. Consent is a difficult gray area.

However, St. Chad ran afoul of the government when he attempted to preach the dank-ass word of the Lord in the realm of Tagaroth. He was charged with heresy unto the god-king Karnak the Bloodfeaster, and sentenced to the death of a thousand spears. But even in his final, agonizing moments, as his flesh was flayed from his bones, St. Chad never tapped out. Just to go back to the thing that happened in the cave. Like, she didn't technically say no, so that means she's cool, right? This concludes today's sermon. May God reach down and touch you today. Shits gay, bro.

And the Mean Boys podcast is back. We close as always with the mean boys mailbag uh we put out a call uh for questions for our guests uh this one comes from friend of the show casey clark uh said what the fuck ever happened to 12 questions that shit was tight oh shit that is uh annabelle was a short live a very cool podcast about uh recovery that was on the uh Bad Audio Network, which we don't talk about anymore. And it was tough to do a whole podcast about one Eminem album, but you really made it compelling. Thank you. You know what? I want to bring it back.

It's kind of exhausting to do. So if anyone wants to join me as a co-host and maybe a producer, I need a little help with it. You want to find yourself a Connor who's not as funny as you, but is willing to do more technical work. Yeah, you get it. That's basically how it works now. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I really love doing the podcast. I really do.

And it was so much fun. Thank you so much for the compliment. I will do my best to bring it back. I still have all the audio equipment. I have like four in the can. I've never edited. Nice. Yeah.

Well, bring it back because we have a lot of people who actually dug that show. Okay, thank you. Four in the clam will like it. Oh, hey! We had a sincere moment, and now we gotta bury it with pussy jokes. All right. Hanna Michaels says,

name a famous person you would look at and think they're hiding something. Ooh, Keith, if he was ever famous. No. I feel like all my shit has been outed. Yeah, pretty more or less. Oh, fuck. I'm trying to think.

Who don't you trust? Dave, thoughts? I'm going to say Jeff Dunham because I feel like for all the things he makes his puppets say that he's such a nice guy, he's hiding something he's done really horrible but in a puppet voice. I don't trust any super

clean comedian, you know what I mean? They're always the ones like, oh, they killed a kid. I feel like I can see Brian, and I'm a big fan of his comedy, but I can see Brian Regan being addicted feel like they're always the ones like, oh, they killed the kid. I feel like I can see Brian, and I'm a big fan of his comedy, but I can see Brian Regan being addicted to like some weird drug. He was like, yeah,

he was doing cops here for like decades. Yeah, Brian Regan's been shooting ketamine before he fucking does a sold out church. He can't live in a house with air conditioning

because he'll break it open and get the free on. I'm going to say Paul Rudd. Yeah? Paul Rudd. I bet Paul Rudd raped somebody in college. Like, that's...

Oh, God. I'm going to say Soma Hayek, because... Because she's Mexican. Yeah. Because I need this bitch out of the way, so I can take the job of... She's not really hot, but we have to pretend she is, or we're racist. Yeah, for sure. Jesus, Keith.

I'm white. Nothing. I can't joke. I can't... All right, fuck all of you. I can't joke. I can't. All right. Fuck all. I support these jokes. Kevin Collier asks, if you could roast battle any dead comedian, who would it be?

Ooh. Fucking. I've got one. If you're. Yeah. Joan Rivers. Oh, that'd be a good one. Yeah.

If I'm going to lose, I want to get just beaten mercilessly by a woman in kitten heels and pearls. Let's do it. So Samir? Yeah. I'm going to say Dennis Leary because then he'd be dead. I was about to make the same exact joke

but for Cosby. Oh, God damn it. I guess Cosby deserves a little more. I mean, I don't know. Cosby will die sooner, naturally. So, like, if we can only waste one, like, roast battle death note, we should get it to Dennis Lear. He already looks like he's haunting himself.

He's so sad. He looks like he's molding. Who, Cosby or Leary? Cosby. Oh, okay. Yeah. I guess I'm just going to give a lame ride. Maybe Greg Giraldo, probably.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. He would have loved this. Let's see. I think we have one more. Now he's dead. No, because we don't.

Yeah. So that's it for the Mean Boys Mailbag. I got one question for you, Keith. That 9-11 ticket you have has to be worth a fortune. I'm glad you didn't get on that plane, and I love the podcast, guys. I tried to just Twitter message you, but I have no idea how that shit works, lol.

Anyways, all the best to you guys. Oh, yeah. So I don't understand. Is that in your family's possession? How have you not tried to steal that message you, but I have no idea how that shit works, lol. Anyways, all the best to you guys. Oh, yeah. So I don't understand. Is that in your family's possession? How have you not tried to steal that and sell it yet? I'll have you know I'm already planning on trying to do that. No, I want to frame it. Yeah, because somewhere there's a ticket for the 9-11 fight that I was supposed to be on,

and I know it's in a shoebox somewhere in my mom's house if she didn't lose it in a meth tornado. I'm going to go through the fucking document box and see if I can find it. I will keep the Mean Boys audience posted on that. Real talk, you should make that a shirt and then just with your name on the back. That would be some pretty dope merch. Is that a 9-11 ticket?

We're not selling the ticket, but we'll just put it on a sticker or something. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That would be pretty dope. I think every one of us want to be the first person to start saying what else is in her shoebox of valuables. I don't know. Probably loose teeth and a gun.

Buttons. JFK's brain. We got some of these Columbine patches that the kids had. A functional bicycle made out of tinfoil. That's some fucking

mad carpentry. Well, you guys, thank you. Do we got anything else? No. Cool. Thank you guys so much for coming in. Anna, where can they find you? What do you got comingry. Well, you guys, thank you. Do we got anything else? No, not at the time. Cool. Thank you guys so much for coming in. Anna, where can they find you?

What do you got coming up? Okay, you can find me at Anna V. That's Anna with two Ns. Anna V is fun on Twitter and Instagram. You can find me at my website, AnnaValenzuela.com. I will be on the 8th. I'll be at Karma Lounge at 10 p.m. I'll be on the 9th

Cookies and Sweatpants at Flappers the 16th the Ha Ha Comedy Club at 8pm and then the 19th I'll be at the Comedy Palace 19th Comedy Palace and then later on in the month on the 25th and the 26th I'll be at

the Madhouse Comedy Club the 9th of Straps will be at the Nerd Melt showroom in Hollywood hosting a great show with some funny people like Mike Lawrence and others. August 10th, Thursday, I'll be at the Long Beach Laugh Factory, and on the 13th of August, Keith and I are co-headlining the Madhouse in San Diego.

That'll be a lot of fun. I've got to add one because Pat Barker will get mad at me. I'll be on Friendship Buddies on the 13th. We'll cut this out because Pat Barker. Yeah. Oh, and Tag Team Roast Battle. Frank Castillo versus Jay Light.

Kick the shit out of them. I have some gigs that will have already happened by the time this airs. So just go to my Twitter, Dave Cyrus, S-I-R-U-S. And I guess the 29th of August, I have a main event

at the Roast Battle against Toby Marciano. Fuck. Oh, hell yeah. That's going to be real fun. Oh, my God. Are you guys going to do the all-Jew wave again?

Ooh, okay. That's a thing that happened. I didn't know we had enough for that, sure. The all-Hebrew wave just splits in half. I'll put a scarf on my head. We'll figure it out. Oh, you guys, that was just so tackless. You're doing that Heap Nami again or whatever? Yeah, the fucking Jew Nami.

I'm sorry. No, that's okay. I mean, I would love. Nightly Discs drops August 8th. I will be at the Pleasure Chest in Hollywood, California for Performance Anxiety. August 15th, Tag Team Rose Battle. We're taking me and Connor going on the road. Oh, that's right.

In August. Through Northern California and Southern Oregon. 21st, Harbor, Oregon. Small, terrible town. 22nd, Throckmorton Theater in Mill Valley. Don't know exactly what that place is, but I hear it's cool. Yeah. 23rd, Rockland Comedy Theater.

It's basically bullshit Sacramento. Nothing on Thursday yet. Friday is Arcata Playhouse in Arcata of all places. I don't know what that place is. I hear it's cool. And then Bowling Alley in Ukiah on the 26th. If you want more details, just tweet me or whatever. And the Pizza Factory. The Pizza Factory in San Jose. That's where we closed you want more details, just tweet me or whatever. And the pizza factory.

The pizza factory in San Jose. That's where we closed it out. I mean, it's a big deal. We booked some bummer shows. Kill it, man. Other than that, follow me on all the bullshit at Keith Tells Jokes.

Fuck everything. God is dead. Bye.