Mean Boys - EP 74 - Meat Bikini (feat. Gareth Reynolds)

Episode Date: August 11, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Fartmeister & The Spazz in 2026", "Barron Barz", “Porn Comment or Yelp Review”, "The Tourettes De France", "Dieter Skiesbach's Eat Or Squeeze Box" and a game of "Which of the Following" with weird military weapons. Get our T-Shirt of the month on Teespring: https://teespring.com/stores/the-mean-boys See Connor & Keith live all over NorCal in August and see a live Mean Boys 9/19 at Harvelle's in Long Beach: http://meanboyspodcast.com/live-shows Watch Make America Great Again (Again) on YouTube: https://youtu.be/WNHVGUUS0oU Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Listen to Connor’s new podcast with Adam Tod Brown: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1235651909 Follow our guest Gareth Reynolds on Twitter: twitter.com/reynoldsgareth Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from Mean Boys. Hey everybody, we got a great episode coming at you right now. Gareth Reynolds from The Dollop stopped by. This is one of the most apeshit episodes we've ever had. Yeah, this one's absolutely fantastic. I think you guys are going to like it. If you're enjoying the show, please either leave us a review on iTunes, which is free and only takes a second, or enter your credit card information into Patreon.com, which takes slightly longer but is more meaningful to us as a whole. Yeah, and you're going to get some real fun shit uh tell them what they're getting this month for

patreon uh this month we got a three pack of stickers of all the boys you got keith carey shirtless in front of the american flag me shirtless with nunchucks and uh tom goss is barack obama so i don't really know what more range you want out of us yeah you'll also uh have the chance to sign up for our t-shirt of the month club you can buy that shirt separately as well the uh the shirt this month is a mean Boys, Black Flag, Pictures of Dicks situation. Yeah, the thing you're picturing in your head is what it is. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. I can't believe it took us this long to get there, but here we are.

And also on the Patreon, we've got some cool bonus content coming at you every week. This week is extra special. You got to hear Ramsey Badawi watch himself get cummed on. And if you don't want to hear that, I frankly don't want you listening to the show. It's pretty magical. Other than that,

if you've got any which of the following games or other submissions that you want to send to the show for us to use, we'll credit you and all that stuff. But please just drop us a line

at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. It always makes our day to see those. And we love reading the tweets and the emails about you guys listening and all that stuff. I try to respond to just about anybody that isn't being mildly racist or trying to bait me into a shit-talking session about a more famous comedian.

And even mild racism, he'll still usually respond to. I mean, you know, you've got to try to have a conversation with these people. Speaking of mild racism, Holy Free Holidays, we are sponsored once again by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Go to eataburrito.com for more information. Yeah, and that's about it. enjoy the show everybody love you love you hey everybody welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Statistically, your soulmate was a Chinese girl that died from lack of human contact. I'm Connor McSpadden.

I'm Keith Carey. Easier to book than Dave Anthony. Welcome to the studio. A relevant guest for once. We are joined by Gareth Reynolds from the Dollop. Great stand-up comedy. Thanks for coming, man. Thank you for having me.

Do you guys usually record your podcast in a 95-degree crack house? Yes. To be honest. With a man who has the perfect amount of brain damage and two negative strangers. That's a good tag. Yeah. That's our elevator pitch for this show. Just like two dicks and a something.

I'm trying to stop calling you retarded, so you're a something. Thank you. Yeah, and he was gone last week. We're joined again by Tom Goss on the soundboard. Tom, say hello. Hello. Gary. I'm a huge fan of the dollop, man.

Somebody had to do it. It was so funny because I remember thinking, like, I'm not going to do a Gary thing. I'm Oh, boy. I'm a huge fan of the dollop, man. Somebody had to do it, and it was somebody, because I remember thinking, like, I'm not going to do a Gary thing. I'm better than that. And Tom walks in this morning, and he was like, I got three Gary. Get Gary stuff queued up. I got SpongeBob saying, hey, Gary. I got that one. Look at how excited he is to play him.

He's already queuing up. Look at his few hands. He's like, yeah, I do got that. You don't clap like a mongoloid. You Brendan Fraser clap all the time. Gareth, he's got the expression of every girl on a bad date where he's smiling politely, but clearly

under the table he's texting somebody to rescue him. Well, that's why I bring two phones. I leave one on the table so you don't know I'm doing it. You've got a bad podcast burner. Bad podcast burner. I've got my flip phone down here oh my god that's awesome all right well my pager just went off i gotta go to the hospital i'm a nurse

i don't talk about it on the show don't look that up nobody google it nobody google that uh well welcome to the show uh i think we're all fired up fuck it i say we get into the first segment let's do the the Mexican joke off, gang. Oh, shit. There's Tom. Tom has been on Sound of X for like 40 episodes, and I think he's got the right cue at the right time one time ever. Well, I think it's three, but it feels like less than one. It's been a rough journey.

I don't know why you guys trust me with buttons. This wasn't going to go well. Well, I mean, they certainly don't work on your shirts. Boom. Hey! Someone else is fat. There was a lot of Keith Carey fat jokes before the show and I just want to cleanse the palate a little bit and get started off something more positive. So let's begin like this.

Baltimore's Nobody Kill Anybody weekend was marred by several shooting deaths. Activists behind the event also organized the Keith Carey Keto Diet and the Tom Goss Skunk Peace Talks. Wait, wait, there really was an event called the Nobody Kill Anybody Weekend? There was, yeah.

That shouldn't have to be a special thing. Where was that? In Baltimore, and a lot of people got killed. That is asking for killing, though. Yeah. That is basically being like,

you're better if you kill this weekend. Yeah, like I would never... It's funnier. I don't want to kill anybody, but now that they said that, I'm like, oh, well, I should. I'm going to. Yeah. Tell me what to do on my goddamn weekend.

You're not my boss. You're not my boss. I'm going to kill this lady. I got this group on six months ago. I'm killing this lady. Let's put limits on my weekend. Even the lady's like, yeah, I get it. This shouldn't tell you what to do. Yeah, take the fuck back.

Let me tell you something. I work hard, okay? I work hard all week so I can go out in the streets. I work hard for the murder. And just a quick sidebar. Tom is frequently followed by skunks. Yeah, I've been chased. You're about to say chased.

Yes. You've been chased by skunks. Yes. This happens a lot. Only once in Echo. Well, no. Twice in Echo Park. Once here. And then, aren't we in Echo Park? Yeah, yeah. So Only once in Echo... Well, no. Twice in Echo Park. Once here.

And then... Aren't we in Echo Park? Yeah, yeah. So three times in Echo Park? No, two times in Echo Park. One at this house. He was hanging out by my... I used to live in the basement.

And... Sure. Yeah. Go ahead. And then one I was doing a room, and then there was a skunk. I think it was mating season, and that one chased me. Or maybe the kids were nearby. To fornicate?

I don't know. I think it's a protective thing. I hope it's not the fornication. You're like Pepe Le Pew. You're a live-action Pepe Le Pew. I guess. You're that weird cat he's trying to bang and keep changing his skunk tail. Cats like me, too.

And then the third time. Well, it's probably because. This skunk feels like he's not celebrating Don't Rape a Human weekend. Stupid skunk mayor, tell me what to do. I'm taking Tom out. I don't respect the sanctity of the skunk government. Just opening the door and Tom's getting skunk fucked.

Tell me what to do on my weekend. No, you don't, sir. Last time I checked, this was America. America, last time I checked. I don't want to work too goddamn hard. When you get a skunk rape kit, it's just a bunch of tomato juice. I don't know if you know that.

It's here at the police station. Alright. The company responsible for the Roomba device is considering selling data and images uploaded from the machine to Amazon. In related news, Amazon's about to bunch of... Fuck! Amazon's about to buy a bunch of pictures of dudes fucking their Roombas.

Damn it. Keith, it's okay. Oh, you shut up. Shut up, skunk baby. You don't have to be nervous. I think Gareth likes this. Yeah, no. Okay.

No, I also just can't fucking sweat. Anyway. You can't? I have bad news for you. Well, maybe good news if you thought that was a problem. That's true. I've cracked the code. What's funny is that you sweat a lot, but you also pant like a dog that cannot sweat.

There's a lot of fluid issues. Yeah, it goes on. My whole circulation is just not working out. You own it, baby. You remember like a broken car from the 80s, like nothing works right. The AC is hot. I got a carry. And it sweats the fuel out if it's in the driveway.

And boy, does it, it loves the gas. The gas, all right. I didn't want to push too far. You know the elementary school chart of the water cycle? It's just arrows just pointing in every direction. It says, I don't know, man, but it's happening. I don't know, man.

It's happening. All right, Gareth. You got a joke? Oh, this is my political time? Yeah. Yes, you have. We yield. That's like every called a political time.

And I love. The gentleman from wherever Gareth's from has 60 seconds. I don't have a headline that then follows up the story. I didn't understand. Oh, just a joke. It doesn't have to be about anything in particular. I have a couple jokes that I wrote for you guys. Do you want to just hear one of them?

Yeah. Okay, great. Let me find a good one, then. Is this how it normally works? Someone brings the show to a halted stop? Yeah, but usually it's me. Well, we usually have people that this is like, you know, like a cool thing for them to

get to do, kind of. I mean, it's still a cool thing, but this is a step down for you, so we don't expect you to take it seriously. If you were like a shit-dick open-miker that we, you know, graced with this podcast airtime, we'd be... I am a shit-dick open-miker. God, I'm so sorry that I'm delaying this process. You're like am a shit-dick open-miker. God, I'm so sorry that I'm delaying this process.

You're like a strong shit. All right, well... So when they have those hearings, right? When they have the hearings for the people that get confirmed? Uh-huh. I'm going to sound like such a hack. I'll connect it to a news story. So I was watching some of these hearings.

Have you seen these? Have you heard about these? You guys seen these? You guys seen these? You heard about these? Boy, do I feel like the senators or whoever it is, they'll say anything to get through. I think if Satan was there for a confirmation hearing, he would just be like, nobody wants to keep the portal to hell close forever more than me. And then they get in and they open the portal to hell. You somehow did that wrong, but that was the most on-brand me voice joke.

Oh, yeah. You crushed it. The devil, the wrong, but that was the most on-brand meme voice joke. Oh yeah, you crushed it. The devil, the government, not believing in yourself. Good, I'm a regular. That's our actually motto in Latin. I don't know if you do. Icthos fuckthos uith. Icthos fuckthos uith.

Tom. An Arkansas man Don't blow this. Don't listen to him. Blow it. I will. An Arkansas man was arrested for having sex with a family donkey. He claims that he realized he was misled when candy never came out of it. Wait. Like he's fucking a piñata kind of deal. Run it back?

Okay. It's not a pin the tail joke. Let's go from the top. Back to one, Tom. That's not the iconic pi Back to one, Tom. That's not the iconic pinata animal, Tom. Well, what's a pinata supposed to be? I thought it was a donkey. Yeah.

Okay, maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, don't be so uncultured. Oh, now I'm the asshole because I didn't get your shitty joke. Yeah, look at all the culture. I got American culture. I got Mexican culture. I got child culture. I got everything.

Child culture. Candy, baby. Candy. This is going somewhere terrible. Quick culture. Candy, baby. Candy. This is going somewhere terrible quick. Do a different joke. Okay. That was the good one, everyone. Oh, no.

All downhill from here, Asian tourists were arrested in Germany for performing the Nazi salute outside the state capitol. The captured travelers claim they're just performing the latest dance craze, Opa Gangnam Heil. God damn it. Oh, man. That didn't have enough child culture for you? Korean culture.

Nazi culture. Shit from four years ago culture. YouTubes. YouTubes. Yeah. Double amputee Olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius was hospitalized for chest pains. He's in stable condition and was overheard telling doctors Quote, I can't feel my legs

Haha, just kidding, I like to have fun Please don't remember that time I murdered a lady Love it, love it, love it Oh, me So they were saying I read in the news, do you guys hear about this? The news, yeah So they were saying that Trump had an outburst with his generals I read in the news, do you guys hear about this? The news? Yeah. You guys familiar with the concept? I'm learning.

So they were saying that Trump had an outburst with his generals. And I think that this is just another case of fake news. What actually happened was he had starbursts in his genitals. And I'm just sick of them getting it wrong. I imagine he stashes them there next to the nuclear codes for the day. Yeah. I hate the yellows. Put it in my pew.

I think when he says that, he's talking about North Korea. That's what would happen, though. They'd be like, he hates the yellows. Bomb North Korea. No, I'm talking Starburst. They get stuck in my teeth. I mean, I mean, even I don't know what I mean anymore. You know, the nuclear codes, they give you a little piece of paper.

It's called the nuclear biscuit, which really sounds like a Buffalo Wild Wings appetizer. Yeah, no, the nuclear biscuit. Reagan used to take it out and keep it in his pocket all day. It's like a power move. Yeah, and they transfer the day of a new presidency. They burn the last presidents. They get rid of those codes. They change them, and the new president gets new codes.

Huh. Yeah, it's fun stuff. The whole thing. That's horrifying. Nuclear biscuit does sound tasty. Tom, don't do this. Don't do it to us, Tom. Google is getting backlash after

an employee published a 10-page memo against their diversity program. When the memo was translated into binary code, it went 001100100999! What a Hitler! What a Hitler this time. Hitler's strong. And I don't want to spoil some stuff that's going to happen in the next two segments.

There's going to be more Hitler. We're not usually this Hitler-heavy. We're themed to it. Hitler's coming. You know, Gareth, we found out we have a following amongst the German alt-right, which was very upsetting. I'll tell them to stop believing that and also keep listening. We also found out that is bullshit, apparently.

Oh, really? That was a hoax. Sorry to the person that I'm busting this for, but she told Keith that, and this same person one time I swear this is going somewhere, told me that her grandma was eaten by a horse

a long time ago. And I go, okay, we gotta talk about this on a podcast, please. I want to hear about your grandma was eaten by a horse a long time ago. I go, okay, we've got to talk about this on a podcast. Please. I want to hear about your grandma was eaten by a horse. And then it turns out her grandma never got eaten by a horse. She was lying to me, but I believed her. You believed that she? She was Russian.

She was Russian. That doesn't change a thing. It makes it a hair more possible. Still, it's very unlike. Horses are Russian for sure. She sold it. hair more possible. Still, it's very unlike. Horse is Russian for shark. She sold it. She sold it. But now I know what she looks like.

She sold it. She did. Is this woman's initials IS? Yes. Okay, well, I know that she also believes that being transgender is a mental illness, so she's probably just like a dope person. She's Russian. That's not an excuse for everything.

She's Russian. Gareth is texting his publicist right now. How do I get into a podcast? So as soon as she told Keith that, I go, I know you're lying. And she goes, yeah, but don't tell him. And I got to reveal that that was all P.S. on the podcast. Hooray! Hold for sound effect.

Yeah, that's Tom vamping. That was both a terrible story and a great story at the same time. That's how you do it. And eaten by a horse. Yeah, I felt really, really dumb. Why? That proves that horses are like, I'm so hungry, I could eat a person. And cows eat other cows when they're fed.

I'll fed them, you know. Russia's not a friendly place. It's like, ah, we got no more grandma, but we got a horse meal now. Cows eat other cows when they're fed. I'll fed them, you know. Russia's not a friendly place. It's like, ah, we got no more grandma, but we got a horse meal now. It made sense in my head. Not one word you said in the past five minutes has made any sense. Look, why can't a horse eat a person? I'm just saying. All right, Tom, let's go through it.

One, because shut up. Two, no. Three, see one. Three people are stepping forward to sue us. They have strong jaws. Oh, my God. They're known for the strong jaws. Well, it turns out peanut butter ate your mom.

Well, she's down there feeding him, but I don't know. He got scared or something. Something spooked him, and he ate her piece by piece. Oh, fuck. Three people are stepping... Your Uncle Tom got skunk fucked. Two. Oh, my God.

Earlier in the week. Animals are turning against us. This is the war that the terminators were thought to have brought the Russian government is infiltrating us with reverse cannibalistic horse propaganda Tom is like the opposite of

Dr. Too Little but he can talk to all the animals but all they say is fuck you die I'm just trying to bang him that's what you get for not eating them yeah Tom we should start eating horse meat again like the 50s Trying to bang him. That's what you get for not eating him. Yeah. Yeah, Tom, we should start eating horse meat again, like the 50s. Like I'm reading a young adult novel that's still in my school library because we can't afford new books.

Okay. Three people are stepping forward to sue Usher for transmitting the herpes virus. The woman also claimed he gave them hepatitis R and B. Oh. This is a bad one. the herpes virus. The woman also claimed he gave them hepatitis R and B. This is a bad one. A Texas swim coach is being charged with a felony after one of her students drowned during practice. In related news, a Texas student got an F in swim class. All these just feel like

homework after that fun horse eating a deer. I'm looking at my next joke. It's not going to go great. All right. Tom prepping us one away from his turn. Let's just finish this goddamn round. You're going to want to stick around. Well, Trump had to sign

into the Russia sanctions, but he did it behind closed doors. People are saying Trump has never been as quiet about signing a piece of legislation, but that's not true. People forget that he didn't say anything when he signed the President Gets to Bang His Daughter Act. Usually the guests aren't this funny, so we're really running out of serotonin in our brains

to produce joy at each other's thoughts. Hold on. Tom's got a banger from what I've read. Oh, boy. A pumpkin killed a friend. Three goats flew a helicopter. That was a dream I had. I get my dreams confused with the news.

Yeah, Keith Olbermann's always in them I don't know who that is You've been watching your dreams Tom Good night A woman died when she fell into a hole in the sand of the beach She was walking on Being the only person to die in a situation A golfer is athletic enough to get out of

You're right that was bad It's not a bad joke There's a hole in the sand in the beach. You couldn't have phrased that more clumsily. There's a horse in the hole with a human in its belly in the hole

in the bottom of the beach. All right. Do we want to do one more round and then move on to the next thing? Sure. All right.

Well, I got a few options here. You guys want to hear something about Spain, something about Utah or something about a German techno band. German techno band. something about Utah, or something about a German techno band. German techno band. Alright, a German techno band scooter

is facing legal consequences for performing in Ukraine. Legal experts are calling this the harshest punishment facing a scooter until Keith carries inevitable gout diagnosis. Why do I feel like all three of the options had something to do with Keith? And gout. I mean, one of them was about

terrorism, one was about Bill Cosby, so I mean... Sources claim North Korea has the capability to launch missiles at Chicago. The military has responded by furnishing Steve Bartman with a radiation-proof glove. Who's that? That's the guy who caught the foul ball and fucked up. That's a funny joke.

I did a sports joke for people who I know don't watch sports. Yeah, because that worked out for me. Trump is going to celebrate the next Cinco de Mayo by eating five pounds of mayonnaise. God damn it. Do you think he puts it in a bowl or goes right out of the jar? I just can't believe there was a five pounds of mayonnaise joke that was not about me.

Well, if you would have let me do the Spain one. No, I wasn't. All right, Tom, close it strong. An entire Texan family has decided to wear helmets all the time because they don't want their newborn flat-headed syndrome baby to feel alone. Oh, my God. Hang on. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna pause right now. There is no way whatever this kid has is called

flat-head syndrome. They had too many fucking consonants in the actual name, but they did say flat-head syndrome in the article. Was his dad a screwdriver, Tom? When his older sister was asked for comment, she said, I swear to god, if he ever gets herpes, I'm going to kill him.

Also, why can't we just be a normal Texas family and use him as a coaster? Tom, what the fuck are you talking about? Use him as a coaster. His flat head as a coaster. That was a journey. Not anywhere good. It was like a journey into a brick wall. Hey, now you know how I go jogging.

All right. Well, I'm going to do one more, and this is bad and long, so let's hope that this ends and you guys shitting on me, and that'll close this segment out strong. A committee in Utah voted not to change the name of a popular hiking trail called Negro Bill Canyon. Minority activists were advocating for changing it to either the Fat Albert Ravine, the Ghost Dad Gulch, Huxtable, Cliff, or the systematic mistreatment of rape victims Hannibal Buress Trench.

That admittedly would have been funnier if you didn't blow the Bill Cosby thing earlier. Yeah, yeah. Ghost Dad Gulch is pretty outstanding, though. I just wanted to say Ghost Dad Gulch because I wrote that, and I was like, this joke isn't that good, but that's a funny thing to say. Jesus. All right, well, that's it for the Mexican Joke-Off. What have we done? Mean boys will be back right after this

happy friday everybody you're listening to fartmeister in the spaz in the morning for june 14th 2026 broadcasting live from our beautiful beachfront view in downtown phoenix that's right hey fartmeister how about you hit the listeners with a fart alarm to help them wake up for the last day of the work week? Today's forecast is a mild summer day, highs in the 130s with scatterclads of ash around the re-education district. And just as a public service reminder, as the sea levels continue to rise, make sure you make an appointment with your local relocation office. And hey, if you're Muslim out there, don't forget you're entitled to priority boarding on the trains toward the heartland. You know, as the habitable landmass of this great nation shrinks towards our new capital city of Omaha, Nebraska, I can't help but be reminded of the spazz's dong during our barbecue bikini beach blowout.

Hey now, it was cold and at least I got in the water with my shirt off. Oh, come on now. You know I can't be giving all this away for free, baby. You know it wouldn't be fartmeister in the spaz without a c-c-c-contest. Sure would it. Now tell the people what we're giving away today. The first five people to call into our hotline and report their neighbors for thought crime against the government

will get an extra ration card for the week that's right redeemable only at participating subjugation centers and every buffalo wild wings not currently occupied by resistance fighters that's right buffalo wild wings war is peace freedom is slavery and all appetizers are 20 off during happy hour hey and if you buy an onion tower for fartmeister you can get his pants all the way off. Hey, what can I say? I'm a cheap date. Speaking of dates, today is President Trump's 48th birthday. Happy birthday, Mr. President. How about we show some respect and hail

to the queef? I bet Melania's getting that good good later. It's gonna be the Barry White House. I bet she gives him the that good good later. It's gonna be the Barry White House. I bet she gives him the secret service. The butt! Let's see what's in the news today. Attorney General the Bounty Hunter surprised the president in his daily briefing

with a rendition of Happy Birthday while Defense Secretary Hogan held the cake. Also in the news, a man in downtown Tempe was caught with an illegal library in his basement. Thankfully, all contraband has been donated to the Xbox Live BBQ Bonfire happening this Sunday at Skirelli Park. That's right, the fartmeister and the spaz crew is all gonna be there signing boobs, firing the koozie cannon, and putting

the intern Darren in the mac and cheese dunk tank. Guys, I told you I have a severe lactose allergy, and if nobody cares, Darren! Now get us some coffee and get ready to get dangerously cheesy. Uh, no, my throat could swell up, and I haven't been able to afford an EpiPens. Hey, sounds like we might get some peace and quiet for once, eh, Spaz?

Wow, wouldn't that be nice? Having to eat lunch in the break room without hearing Dare Dare blab about his breakup. It wasn't a breakup. She was taken away in the night in a black van for having Beyonce on her phone. I remember my first piece of ass too, Dare Dare. Please stop calling me that. Hey, Thartmeister, how about we play some brown-eyed tears for sweet, sweet Dare Dare? All right, well, our intern gets us some coffee and some kleenex for himself we've got baron trump aka

baron bars taking us into the break with his number one song for the third week in a row make america great again again in 2016 it was hillary for prison make an orange pantsuit locker in a cell 10 years later old kankles isn't with us now it's 2026 how about hillary for hell the game is a woman it's time to lock her up banning banned all the muslims but you can't ban a trump selling bricks across the border we stacking bricks along it weeping for your country going tell it to obama yeah the night we got elected your boy was kind of sleepy at least i ain't my brothers, though. They both kinda creepy. Don't like what I'm rappin'?

Get off the scrotum. Think my bars are too harsh? Well, Michelle Obama wrote them. Been my guy since Cuckoo Gaga. Suckin' Melania's ta-tas. Hate to talk, blah blah. Don't give a shit. Hakuna Makaka. Act out, you go bye-bye while I'm chillin'. And Marilala, I'm a villain. I go wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Make America great again. My guy. Make America great again. Man, can't a white man who was a billionaire since the moment he was born live? Make America great again. Precious Brooks Brothers

suit in the game. Make America great again. Yeah, this next one for the deep state. Popping bottles in the game make america great again yeah this next one for the deep state popping bottles in the club smoking cushioning getting faded put it on my tab mexico will pay it my crew is like the wall only getting higher your crew is like arnold only getting fired james comey was the homie now he's on linkedin michael flynn got us the win now he's on linkedin sean spicer wasn't nicer now he's on linkedin you fuck with lizard people you gonna need a thicker skin i'm the oracle of the deplorables let me tell you what's in store trump 2016 2020 24 he's a dictator you ralph nato run against us you'll lose because it's trump 2028 2032 We're one part Kardashian, the other part Kennedy

Chillin' in the Oval, mixin' OJ with the Hennessy The legacy is strong and our work is never done Cause when Pop sets off to Arlington, Ivanka gon' run Make America great again And the Mean Boys podcast is back with one of our favorite games here on the show. This is Porn Comment or Yelp Review. Oh, wow. That would have been where you would have dropped the theme song. Tom, no worries. You never is Porn Comment or Yelp Review. Oh, wow. That would have been where you would have dropped the theme song.

Tom, no worries. You never gave it to me. That's our... All right, cool. Hey, who needs a sound effect when you have context? Yeah. As Connor likes to say, the name of this game is also the rules of the game.

I go through all the creepiest comments on Porn Hub and the weirdest Yelp reviews, and we try and figure out which one is which. Do you go through these? I do. I do an extensive amount of research. That's got to be a really weird thing. I literally have to take a shower halfway through.

It's real. You'll get it. Have you ever left a Yelp review or a porn comment, Gareth? I've never left either. Yeah, I'm the same way. I've never been to a business that had such an impact on me. I need to affect their social... I would be more embarrassed to leave a Yelp review than a porn comment.

Yeah, I can feel that. It's like a more invested... Mortifying Yelp review than a porn comment. It's more investing. It's mortifying on different sides of your brain almost. If porn websites had a better upvote system where I could feel rewarded, I might try to leave some funny ones. You're going to cum more now. You'll leave a couple comments. You get a cum boost.

I got cum boost. You guys don't have cum premium? If I got like Reddit karma and then when it got high enough, it would stop suggesting like incest porn to me. Why does it keep suggesting incest porn? Have you noticed that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's a new trend in America. It's really absurd. Boy, the Trump administration really destroyed that value. Yeah, if you go on like Pornhub's main site, for some reason, all the suggested videos, and this is not just me, it's everybody, is like weird stepbrother porn. I think we're going to find out that's like Portugal trying to influence us somehow.

They're hacking our election. Yeah, yeah. It's like some weird country. They're hacking our elections and our erections. Yeah, they hacked our erections. There's a guy that wants to sell six-fingered gloves really bad, so he's trying to like... They're trying to breed flipper babies? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God. Someday. I have the patent. You can't breed flipper babies. They, God. Someday. I have the patent. You can't breed flipper babies. They're created by the years of hospitalization. They're created by whatever Tom has. All right. I have normal hands.

All right, Tom. All right, Donald Trump. This sounds like a sticking point. We've been down this road before. I have normal hands. I keep them away from the horse. All right, number one. It's a porn commentary Yelp review. Quote, why is she eating Che one, is this a porn commentary or Yelp review?

Why is she eating Chex Mix out of a Ziploc bag like that? Ooh. I mean, what... Maybe it's like grown-ups that dress like little kids porn. I feel like that's a thing. That's a thing? I know it's a thing because I was talking to a magician one time

that I'm friends with. Never a bad start to a story. He does like the Hispanic magic circuit. Oh, he's Hispanic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does weird backyard parties and shit like that. He's a really good magician.

He's a funny guy. I don't know if I should say his name, but I probably won't. But he was like, yeah, I did these two gigs in the same day. One, I performed for like adults that dressed up in like diapers and like fucked at this like club and like they they watched the magic till they're like oh wow that's amazing you know they pretended to be children and he said the guy that paid him literally like shit his pants while he was paying him like in his diaper you know like give him the check and then later that night up in the hills, he performed for Michelle Obama. Oh, my God.

It was also during that period. Wow. That's insane. Jesus Christ. That's crazy. I'm going to say Yelp review just because I want to have faith in society. You won't by the end of this. I'm going porn comment, by the way. All right.

I think it's Yelp, and here's why. All right. If there's food, they eat it out of each other's buttholes. You don't put a plastic bag of check mix into a girl's butthole. Thank you, Tom. You just put it in raw, and that's why I'm saying Yelp. Tom, interesting road. Interesting road.

The correct answer is that is a Yelp review of the 9-11 Memorial Museum. Oh, wow. Good lord. Number two, quote, this is out of my comfort zone. Oh, man. Porn. Porn. Did someone see me walking around the mall again?

This has got to be porn. I found myself at an exclusively Jewish pizza place. There were three magicians there. And it was just like the guys working there, they all had the uniform where it was like the black pants and the white long sleeve button up with the yarmulke and everyone was wearing that. And I was like, I didn't know there's just a pizza place that was just like super Jewish. It was just weird, you know? I didn't mean to say Jew-y.

I was trying to say Jewish, but I cut off the thought. The offensive part is that you really didn't have any point to it. You just said it's dry shoes. Shoes made pizza. That was weird. I didn't think. Shoes eat pizza? With their relationship with In a weird way. Describe what? I didn't think. Shoes eat pizza? With their relationship with ovens, I thought, oh my God, you're better than this.

I'm a seventh grader. Hilarious. That's a porn comment. That's someone hiling into a butt. I mean, it's either like a German deli or American History X porn parody, and I'm going to go German deli. You are incorrect. That is a porn comment on a video called Nazi Pussy Gets Fucked by a Black Cock.

So that's... Oh, it's affirmative. Yeah. Well, they don't talk about that happening at the Nuremberg trials. Well, after he won that Olympic race, I mean, he had to celebrate. That's what Jesse Owens got. Oh, my God. Number four, quote, whoop, whoop, Juggalo life.

Isn't this number three? Number three, quote, whoop, whoop, Juggalo life. All right. This is a man fucking a donkey in search of candy. I'm going to say that it's Yelp. Okay. I'm going to say it's Yelp, just because I don't know how much the Juggalo presence is, how strong it is on porn comments. I feel like.

Where do you think they'd be? I'm going to switch to porn. Fuck, I've never seen a Juggalo porn, surprisingly. I know they have to exist just by virtue of boners and the way they function. There's also been a lot of Harley Quinn kind of parodies up there. Porn has really gotten out of... I haven't watched porn in a little bit. It's very genre-y.

You are missing out on some nightmares, bro. You get pussy. No, no, I'm not. I mean, just Nazi pussy. Didn't the Juggalos meet at the Washington Monument recently? Didn't the Juggalos? They're going to do that soon. Yeah, they're marching on Washington to protest the

classification of the criminal organization. of the Washington monument or something near there. That's an event

that hasn't happened yet, Tom. Yeah, but they're... They review these early. They have

foresight. They review these early. I already know I don't like it. They're marketing.

They're marketing. I'm going to say that is a porn comment. That is a porn comment from a video

called, quote, Juggalos throw baloney on a naked lady. Wow is a porn comment from a video called, quote, Juggalos throw baloney on a naked lady. Wow. What? What the fuck? And,

spoiler alert, it's exactly what it sounds like. Do they fuck her too, or they're just like, you smell good now? No, they just kind of threw meat at her. Okay.

Yeah. She was like into it. It was like consensual meat throwing. Yeah. No, baloney's, I mean, it's like the word.

Just get some boar's head. Come on. Yeah, at least go high class. Like, I'm picturing baloney if you throw it at a tit. It just kind of, it's got like a good amount of surface tension. It'll stick's head. Come on. Yeah, at least go high class. Like, I'm picturing bologna if you throw it at a tit. It's got, like, a good amount of surface tension. It'll stick there.

There's suction. Yeah, there's definitely... I mean, that's an attractive quality in the game. Yeah. The suction. Shuggalo darts. I'm amazed no one's worn a bikini made out of bologna. It's like a statement or something.

Didn't Lady Gaga do that? Didn't she have, like, a ribeye bra or something? She had, like, a bacon dress or something at some point. Yeah, something stupid. But I think we're pitching different things. We're saying just baloney bikini. You're probably thinking of a real thing and I'm just imagining. Oscar Mayer meat bikini.

I'm guessing. God, fuck. I think you guys turned out during the best improvised song parody of Mean Boys history. Next one. Quote, shower afterwards to get the stench off. Yelp. Yelp.

That's a Yelp review. You're going obvious. Of this podcast studio that Gareth left when he was texting his emergency podcast partner. No, when I said I was going to go to my car to find my bowl. That's when I left it. I'm going to go to one of those porn bloopers where someone shits or something. Thank you, Tommy. Tommy with context.

They're called pooper bloopers. And the correct answer is that is a Yelp review. That is a Yelp review of Lambeau Field. Oh, God. Wow, that's not that. It's almost like I knew you had a Green Bay Packers tattoo and wanted to be kind of a dick about it. It's almost like that, isn't it? Keith likes the Green Bay Packers.

Ah, close. It's not really funny, but I did say it. I'm a Bears fan. I'm sorry to hear that. Hey, what's the J stand for? I was just starting to like you. All right. A couple more.

Two more. Quote, roses are red, ogres are green. Shrek 5 comes out in 2019. It's got to be porn. Universal Studios. It's porn. It's porn because it's one of those weird porn. Well, what I would consider Those weird porn ones

Where the people Thank you for not King shaming on the show You're trying not to judge The Shrek voter community No no I actually I test pretty high with them

Look there's a lot of Shreksually active You know Shreksually That's the joke Is just the word Shreksually I got a Shreksually Transmitted disease I'm an ogre now

That's gotta be porn Come on Tom And you're saying Universal Studios Lord Farquhief because it's just the word Shrek. I've got a Shrekually transmitted disease. I'm an ogre now. That's got to be porn. Come on, Tom. And you're saying Universal Studios? Lord Farquhief. Okay, I'm done. It's a porn. It's from a video called Shrek Fuck Shrek. Whoa, Shrek Fuck Shrek?

There's two Shreks, dog. They found you masturbating, Keith? I mean, I guess technically it's gay porn. That would be the first. I would not see Shrek fucking Shrek and be like, Ew, gay. No, I didn't know the gays liked Shrek. I didn't know.

They've been pretty tight-lipped about it. They have. I thought there were no puss in boots. My favorite thing about this game is that Tom has gone rogue on everyone and been like, you know what, here's what's happening. Very confidently, I've been wrong 100% of the time. And I'm going to continue, alright?

And I'm doing this to the end of the game. Yeah. I'm going to fail miserably. Tom will very confidently get less than 50% right in a 50% game, you know, where it's very hard to do worse than half. Look, I feel safer being wrong than agreeing with the rest of you. Ah, there he is. I don't like when Tom does his weird wizard fingers.

Hey, all right. With those normal hands. With what I would characterize as normal hands. I swim like a human. Well. All right. Sorry. And last one.

Dolphins creeping up behind him. Bang him. Oh, no. He's swimming to the ladder. No. If only I had the flipper hands. How many animals have raped me during this podcast?

A lot. And I promise you, we're not done. We haven't left America on our journey yet. Kangaroo bang. Magna rude. We're not even halfway

through the show and he's gotten raped by so many animals. Get into the Kang bus. It's an ATV. You're going to get fucked by a kangaroo. Hey, mate, you lost. I don't need a ride right now.

Come on, Tom, get in. No, man, I'm cool. You get in my pouch and then I'll get in yours. No, no, I'm good, man, I'm good. Moo. I don't know what kangaroos sound like. I don't think anybody does. Last one. Quote, this is a horrid rabbit hole of unspeakable

nonsense. Yelp. I don't think anyone's judging other porn comments. I feel like they're not as engaged. I'm not trying to steer your answer, but I will say they sure are. There is a lot of dissent and dispute in the porn comic. Didn't you mean you are? Is there like blue waffle porn and shit like that?

I mean, yes, there is that thing you referenced. What is blue waffle porn? A blue waffle is... Don't tell him. We'll show him. That'll be our bonus content for this week is we'll show Connor blue waffle porn and shit like that? I mean, yes, there is that thing you referenced. What is blue waffle porn? A blue waffle is a guy... Don't tell him. We'll show him. That'll be our bonus content for this week is we'll show Connor

blue waffle. Okay. All right, tight. Look forward to that, subscribers. What are you... You guys probably have about 40 Patreon subscribers, too?

Yeah, we're about 40. We're about 40. Nice. 38, I think. That's a good time. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, try to keep up with us.

I'm trying. I'm going to go... It was an indescribable hole in something. This is a horrid rabbit hole of unspeakable nonsense. I'm going Yelp. Yelp. Okay, we got Yelp. You know, I'm sticking to porn.

Infected butthole. I appreciate that. Thank you. The answer is, trick question, that is an iTunes review of the dollop. Oh. So I'm kind of right, right? The infected butthole of the podcast community. Is that more of a location

or a boner stimulus? God, I thought about typing dollop into Pornhub, and I was like, I can't live with what I'm doing. Yeah, you really. Like, best case, that's just going to be too much cum. And it's all downhill from there. And most amounts of cum are too much.

I mean, there's like... I mean, yeah. You ever drain the hog? I've never been like, there's not enough cum. I will say that. Sometimes I've been like, ah, this got away from me. I could have cummed better. Yeah, no. Jets, man me. I could have come to better. Yeah, no, jets, man.

I have different issues than you guys. Well, Tom one time told me a story about him trying to cum on a girl's face and accidentally cumming in his own face. And I was like, how did you cum that far? And he's like, I got jets, bro. Which he just decided was a way you describe cum velocity. That's why he's using the shorthand of jet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His name on my phone has a jet taking off emoji next to it, and it will forever. Yeah, what's sad is that's happened again since I told you. How does it not happen? How are you unable to come on something? You know, just sometimes What is it, ricocheting?

Are you aiming? Yeah, I'm aiming Where? Towards targets, you know? That are not in your face. Yeah, I'm aiming. Where? Huh? At, towards? Towards targets, you know? That are not near my face. The main target? Yeah, no, the location. I go chopping there and I come on. Look, a lot of times I try to come.

Like, don't blame the equipment. This is user error. Why can't you thread the needle, Tom? Huh? Why can't you thread it? You know, sometimes it's like an average man's power, and then sometimes I just Hulk it out, and then I just don't know which one's going to happen.

So sometimes I hit a belly, sometimes I hit a wall. You do what Bugs Bunny does with Elmer Fudd's shotgun, and you bend it back, and then your face is all black. Cup season, rabbit season. I curve up a little. They're all trying to bang me. Well, you shouldn't curve up 90 fucking degrees, Tom. I don't.

Stop arcing your shot. If you fall short, that's better than your face. What is the vibe like? Right after the promise of ejaculating on someone who wants to have that happen. When you come all over your... Are you laughing? Put the end of a Three Stooges. No one wants that to happen.

They're just cool with that happening. I do. I definitely want it to continue happening. Yeah. It's good content, baby. Wow, you come far. Yeah. No, if there was an Olympic event, I'd be a medalist.

No, it's usually really, really, really funny. Usually? Yeah. The syndrome. Once it was tragic. Yeah, no, it's always... A lot of good men die. Have you ever gotten it in your mouth? No, I mean, it ricocheted

off my lip the first time, but it didn't go in the mouth. How does it ricochet? That's something solid objects do, unless you're cumming pellets. I cum jets, baby! That's how! It's fast! That kind of talk might get you to the White House, Tom. And on that note, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back. Look, North Korea doesn't have

the power, but I do. ESPN 3 now returns to its exclusive coverage of the World Cycling Championship, the Tourette's de France. It's neck and neck in the final, fuck, stretch of the Tourette's de France as good

shit, dark horse contender Eric Martin attempts to fuck shit butthole. Closed the distance between him and French cycling legend, nutsack boner, piss fart, Pierre Leflore. They're in the final kilometer. Martin pulls ahead. This could be the upset of a century. Cleave, Deldo, come on my lunch.

Mommy. Martin wins. Martin wins. What an incredible finish. Let's go to the finish line and hear what the unlikely champion has to say. What an incredible cock race this was. I want to thank God for pissing my mouth, carrying me across the finish line. I'm dedicating this win to my sons, Jimmy and Logan, for always being such huge faggots.

Inspirations to me. Guten Tag. I'm Dieter Skiesbach, Germany's number one club promoter, erotic provocateur, and general naughty boy about town. Since 1993, I have been on the cutting edge of adult entertainment. I created Berlin's infamous nightclub, Scottwurst. I copyrighted the process known as the Blumpkin. I once commandeered the German emergency broadcast system and televised myself as I drank the milk of a frightened goat from Michael Alig's urethra. But if there is but one truth to living as a perpetually moist sex machine, it is that I am always working up a hunger. But after being rudely and fairly banned from every

restaurant in Europe, I was left with nothing to eat. For weeks, the only protein I received came from, well, you can probably guess, sperm. It was sperm. I ate several pounds of frozen male ejaculate. But now, there is a solution to all of my problems, and I am proud and horny to unveil Dieter Skisbach's Eat or Squeeze Box. All of the decadent sinful bacchanalia you've come to expect from Dieter Skisbach, combined with the affordable comforting tastes of a family diner. Conveniently located off the Autobahn, Dieter Skisbach's Eat or Squeeze Box is housed in a gleaming 20-story tall black cube, both coldly industrial and terrifyingly human. It looms over you with no emotion, no spiritual agenda. Some say the cube seems to judge them, but anything you think

the cube is feeling is merely a thing you already felt about yourself. The cube is a perfect reflection of the dark truth of your heart. Inside, you will be met by Trish, one of our delightful hosts. She will welcome you with a warm smile and whisper in your ear all about the all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp special. She will offer you a splatter-resistant bib. Then you must choose, will you eat or will you squeeze? Will you become part of the arriving biological mass? The pulsing blasts of computerized music scoring your emotions as you grab fists full of unseen flesh, dismantling the idea of gender

and preference and desire until it's all simply won under the greater universal truth of ecstasy? Or are you, like, just maybe in the mood for, like, a nice chicken sandwich and some onion rings? In either case, the bib will be useful to you.

Once inside, all is permitted and nothing is off limits. Anal stimulation, mechanical phalluses, dressing on the side, perhaps, to and nothing is off limits. Anal stimulation, mechanical phalluses, dressing on the side, perhaps to start, an appetizer. Our sample platters come with fried mozzarella, onion straws, feldsching straws, tater tots, titty tasers and two very different kinds of poppers. What beverages you ask? Well, we do not have coke but we do have Pepsi, and we definitely have Coke.

Peruse the menu and see all the delights we have in store from all corners of the globe. Mexican, Italian, Asian, why not all three? Plus, the food's not bad either. All of our entrees come with French fries, and they, like the chasms of the unspeakable lust in your soul, are bottomless. Perhaps something more exotic. Tuesday is our weekly SMBBQ rodeo. You will be restrained, blindfolded, and given the meat that you desire. Prepare to be assaulted with pain and pleasure, heaven and hell, smoky and sweet.

Our sauce is finger-stickin' good. We also offer a kid's menu. But just be warned, what you have ordered off the kid's menu can never be unserved. To be clear, we also offer just like a regular kids menu if you want chicken fingers or something. I cannot stress enough how much you need to be specific about the kids

menus that you order from. So come on down for an evening of American casual cuisine and German sexual depravity. You'll have such a good time that we guarantee if you don't want to come again, we'll make you come again. Eat a squeeze box, eat or squeeze box. Feast your hungry holes.

And the Mean Boys podcast is back. We close out the show, as always, with... Actually, as I like to be chastised for, we're doing voicemails after this, so this is... Oh, that's right, that's right. Alright, fuck you. Here's which of the following. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah.

Tom did it right and then got alarmed because he thought that's still what his beam right sounds like. Yeah, no, I flinched like I did it wrong. You have the impulse now

that your first move is wrong. Yes. Well, I think you come in your face 30, 40 times and then you think maybe I should be... You can't silence the truth. Your jets can't ricochet off steel beams.

Shut up. That is your most mistakenly played drop and none is less appropriate most of the time. Yes. I don't even know what that one's for. The Daily Double, Tom. Tom can't describe words. Yes. I don't even know what that one's for. The Daily Double Tom. Well, Tom can't describe words.

So when he tries to remember the name of something, he'll give it a stupid definition. We do a game called Tom Lightning Round, and they give me a word, and I got to really quickly. Example, swans. Sexy geese. And he reverse engineers it where the clue is horny fear, and you have to guess that he's referring to love. So I gave him the Daily Double sound effect to play during the Daily Double of the Tom Tomperdy, and he was like, I've actually never watched Jeopardy. How does the Daily Doubles work?

We also, when we gave him the soundboard after six weeks of him doing it, he goes, yeah, I've never listened to anything with a soundboard before. So he uses a soundboard like the jazz trumpetist that grew up in the hills of Alabama. I figured out. I just found this in the dumpster and I started honking away. All right. This week's Witch of the Following. I made one for a change.

These are Witch of the Following is not a real military weapon. The way this works, Gary, if you don't know, it's basically Witch of the Following. We give you four things. Three of them are real One of which Keith made up And you have to guess the one that Keith made up to trick us Alright, round one, witch of the following And by the way, some of these got all the way to being used in battle

Some of these were just experimental So just keep in mind for some of the more ridiculous ones Round one, witch of the following is not a real military weapon A, a bulletproof aircraft carrier made of ice B, a hot air balloon filled with bubonic plague. C. A portable nuclear bomb the size of a hand grenade. Or D. A mirrored satellite that would turn the sun's reflection into a death ray. Right, but guns in the South are going to keep you safe.

When the USS fucking freezy fascism comes. Well, we'll just use jets over here. Knock them down. Hold, brothers. That's our missile defense system. The Koreans have launched a missile. Tom is at the dock right now stroking it. We need a shipment of juggler porn ASAP.

Bring your thoughts, prayers, and a Gatorade. No Ritz cracker boxes allowed. They'll only get in the way. Safety's off. Safe. I like the Gatorade reference. That's a reference to something our roommate does where every time he fucks, he has a Gatorade right after.

Which does sound good after fucking. I thought everybody did that. I guess that makes sense with electrolytes and shit. I've taken a few shits. Do you come out electrolytes? You could. I feel like you come out just electricity. You can just shoot a cartoon.

It's like a dick taser. Sure. Yeah, that's what Hitler was, right? Mussolini, evil dick taser. I'm going to say the nuclear bomb instead of a hand grenade. Okay. I got to say the fighter jet made out of

ice. All right. It was an aircraft carrier, but you were close enough. I'll say the... I guess I'll say the satellite turning the suns into a death ray. The fake one is C, the portable nuclear bomb the size of a hand grenade. That is bullshit. The Germans were trying to build the death laser. The aircraft carrier didn't work because it turns out you can't build ships out of ice. And that balloon full of plague actually hit America.

Let me get this straight. We never tried to make a smaller nuclear bomb, but we saw ice, and we're like, oh, let's make a boat out of that? Yeah, you can make them small. You can only make them so small. I mean, it's not like an iPhone. It's also a thing where you can make them pretty small, but then it's like, how do I get it to over there

without blowing me up? Was the ice boat actually an ice sculpture, or do they really think this thing was going to... No, they were trying to build an aircraft carrier out of ice. And I don't know exactly why. Was it like Colin Powell's anniversary with his wife? That was the sculpture. It was also shaped like a goose.

Round two, which of the following is not real? A. A cat with a microphone implanted in its ass. B. Airdropped medical supplies that were actually lethal poison. C. A machine that kept a dog alive even after its head had been removed. Or D, a rocket sled so powerful it blew a test pilot's teeth out. Ooh. What was the third one? The third one was a machine that kept a dog alive even after its head had been removed.

These are insane. USA. its head had been removed. These are insane. Give me the first one one more time. Sorry. A cat with a microphone in its ass. Believe that. Air dropped medical supplies that were actually lethal poison. I think we've heard about that. And a machine that kept the dog alive even after its head had been removed.

And D? D was a rocket sled so powerful it blew a test pilot's teeth out. That is a Looney Tunes cartoon. I'll go with C. I'm going to say C. No, no, no. I'm going to say D. I want C to be true very badly.

I know A is real because I've actually used it in a game on this show before. Oh, did you? Yeah, the CIA one. Which one? It's called Acoustic Kitty. I did a dollop on it. Oh, really?

Oh, did you? Yeah. Oh, shit. They put all this money into it, and then it got hit by a car outside the Kremlin. A bus hit it right away. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. There it goes, and it's dead. And that's why we can't have universal health care.

Oh, fuck. I know Flint's water is still kind of bad. I think it's either D or C, but I think I'm going to go with C just because I don't think the U.S. military has any interest in keeping dogs alive that badly. Good point. The correct answer is B. The medical supplies one was fake. Wow. That dog machine is real, dog.

That was Russia, baby. I for sure. As it turns out, other countries have governments. Wow. What? I don't support that. I for sure think B is a real thing. I mean, it probably is, but it didn't show up in my...

Round number three. Hey, who could care? Round three. Which of the following is fake? A, a super soldier designed as a human-chimpanzee hybrid. B, a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay and horny. C, a... Well, the first two are a me and Tom origin story.

C, a squadron of Mormons a me and Tom origin story. C. A squadron of Mormons used as guinea pigs for biological weapons. Or D. A sonic ray built to play a frequency so loud it could melt a human body. Oh, my God. Jeez. I keep expecting to find one. Then I'm like, obviously.

Yeah. Well, yeah. You work at the Ford plant all your life, so your money can go to make a laser guitar. A's got to be real. Okay. That's got to be some kind of monkey man thing. Yeah, for sure. B, super horny.

I can see that. I can see that. I guess the Mormon one. Yeah, Mormons, that seems like a key. It just seems like a weird group. There'd be other groups they'd target before Mormons. Yeah. And Mormons aren't into, like, drugs.

I mean, it's hard. How do you get the biological white? They don't drink coffee. Like, where are you going to put it in their fucking milk? We found another plate! Yeah, but they do live in, like, Utah. What does that have to do with anything? Utah's boring.

They've got to be testing people in Utah. Okay. Have you been to Utah? Yeah. It's scary. Yeah, it's not great. Because of all the people they're testing stuff on. Yeah.

Yeah, I was talking more about just like how normal everyone is, but that probably too, like... Yeah, I saw like a homeless Goro guy. He had four arms. Yeah, I went to a state full of nuclear test patients. Everyone was so normal. I think that says a lot about you. Do you believe in God? Wait, is that where the Jets came from?

Well, yeah, Tom was talking about his trip to Fukushima earlier and he... It wasn't Fukushima, it was Hiroshima. Okay, and I gotta figure people like, oh, it's one of his trip to Fukushima earlier. It wasn't Fukushima. It was Hiroshima. Okay, and I got to figure people like, oh, it's one of them boars we've been reading about in the news. From Chernobyl came out here to pay his respects. Nothing.

I shoot jets now, but nothing other than that. All right, we got more. Kathy's pregnant. I broke her vagina. Just blew it out of her back. I broke her vagina. Just blew it out of her back. I broke her back. Yeah, but you gotta date a girl with like a pussy like a catcher's mitt is what I'm getting at.

I couldn't think of the word. Look at your heart, you porky pig. B was the bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay and horny. Wow. And C was the Mormons. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I got to believe the gay one.

I feel like some very religious countries wouldn't be down with that. Well, maybe they did that so they'd stop, like, you know, taking their women and stuff, like, you know, how soldiers do because they're bad. Yeah, totally. Right about that. Some deep analysis for me. D, one more time.

Tell them at some point you're going to have to land on him. I don't. You have ten seconds. Just like those jets, it's not landing. A sonic ray that could play a frequency loud enough to melt a human body. I'm going to say that was Superman, so D. Correct.

Of course he gets it right. What was the last one? The Mormons were volunteers in the U.S. because they wouldn't fight. Oh. What? Mormons won't, like, kill anybody. They made that movie Hacksaw Ridge about it, but they wanted to help, so they went and basically let them test, like, cures and biological weapons on them.

Wow. Yeah. Fucked up, right? Yeah. I didn't know the Mormons and Muhammad Ali had something in common, but go figure. Round four, animal lightning round. Which of the following animals was not turned into a bomb by the U.S. military? A, parrots.

B, rats. C, dolphins. D, bats. Okay. I'll say bats. I know bats is real because they wanted to have them go nest in the eaves in Japan of like the bullshit paper buildings or whatever. And then they just put thermite in their cunts.

And then they're just supposed to set everything on fire. I like that your version of the scientist in charge of this just sounds like Andrew Dice Clay. Hey, got it in that cunt. Yeah, you peck that back cut with boom boom. Ever since all my anecdotes have been fizzling out, I'm just trying to throw in cuss words to spice them up. I don't know if you can tell. It's something that I do because I'm not particularly funny. I mostly just edit the podcast.

Connor, don't do this. Today they don't suck dick the way they used to. Yeah, I was fucking this vampire. I tell you, I don't want to suck it. Well, dolphins, they definitely put bombs on. Well, I got a blowhole. You're telling me you don't want to put a stick of dynamite in there? It fits perfectly.

Hey, it got a blowhole. It's a bomb right near its cunt. What a black guy is going to do. All right. Cool it. We're going down a terrible rabbit cunt here. Hey, after my weird tiptoeing around raping and pillaging earlier, I don't think we need any more problematic Andrew Dice Clay drops in this episode.

What was A? Parrots. This game should be called What Was with Tom. I'm going parrots because I don't think they've been in a fight with Madagascar. Yeah, I really love birds. We're going to kill this diplomat in the Rainforest Cafe. I feel like parrots are smart. I feel like they probably use parrots.

Yeah, parrots are... Well, dolphins are very smart, too. But besides that, parrots are the next smartest animal you mentioned. Tom, I don't like that you have animal IQ rankings that you always come back to. Well, he's running away from them most of his life. He's like, got to look up facts. He wants to know the ground speed of some of these animals.

Three of these were a bomb and one of them ripped Tom. All right, Tom sees a dolphin and he's like, oh, it's gonna be a long day. Oh, no. Look, I think...

I'm getting nosed. Tom, for the love of God, pick one. He's just dressing up like Bugs Bunny in drag trying to escape a crafty macaw. If it was pigeons,

I believe it, I'm gonna say parrots. Parrots is the correct answer. Wow. Parrots are fake. Pigeons actually were a real one. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, and finally. Because they carry messages. Tom, when you get something right, don't act like you know it because you're smart. Yeah, you got it. I wondered, do we pressure you into yelling the word parrots? Yeah. Which you might have done anyway. BF Skinner tried.

How would you like to suck my butt? BF Skinner tried to put pigeons in a bomb and make him direct it. Yeah, they could direct it with their pecking. Yeah, it didn't quite work out. And lastly, round five, are these all real or all fake? You know that pigeon was like, why couldn't I have been reincarnated as the space monkey? I mean, Laika had fun for a minute. All real or all fake?

A, a squad of wooden bomber planes flown by schoolgirls B. A tank that could drive underwater C. Air dropped Vespas equipped with bazookas Or D. A battalion of pigs that was set on fire and released into enemy troops True Are these all real or all fake? They gotta be real I'm saying they're all real

They gotta be real Yeah I'm nervous because I think South Park did schoolgirls with the wooden plane thing, but I think, I'm gonna guess it was based on reality, because I think I've heard about tanks that can go underwater. That is correct. Those are all real. Wow. The pig one being my favorite.

Yeah, that guy was like, I'm out of ideas! Light them! Light them and spank them! Yeah, and it worked. Of course. Apparently the other army was just like, oh, fuck this! Oh, jeez. I didn't know we were doing anything. Were they fighting like a Muslim

country? They're like, I'm baking, we gotta bail. Yeah, they were. What? Yeah. I love governments. I think that's coincidental, but yeah, it was Rome. It was like a while ago. Oh, okay. Yeah. The worst, the fucking, like, we're real smart when it comes to like, I don't know, smart's the right word, but psychological torture and warfare.

We can go dark. Yeah. Oh, I've listened to the episode of the dollar. We always say that. And my dad's very into that shit. So it was a nice. Isn't it not Tom just the Rube made flesh? No. No.

The first time I was showed your podcast, I was with Keith and another comedian. And the other comedian was like, I need to show someone you're going to play in a movie one day. Have you ever listened to Dollop? I go, no. Yeah, but I like movies. Yeah, I like the idea of me in a movie. I think I'm a good actor, too. Yeah, yeah.

And then they played the room for me. They're like, all right, which guy's me? The manager? Can I be the lion that bit him? No, Tom, I think they're going to put you in one of those green body suits to have you just do like, you know, like CGI, like post stuff for the Spider-Man shooting his webs with your jizz.

Thwip! You know, he shoots that big blast and just wraps the guy up immediately. Come on, Jets, we gotta move! I'm out of fluid! Jets, you're good for two rounds. Oh my god, we will be back with the conclusion of this cum-soaked episode of Mean Boys right after this. I'm out of fluid. Jets, you're good for two rounds. Oh, my God. We will be back with the conclusion of this cum-soaked episode of Mean Boys right after this. Sup, nerds?

It's Tyler Dawson. You might remember me as the guy who got suspended for nunchucking that possum outside the cafeteria. Anyways, I'm here to remind you that when you support the Mean Boys Patreon this month, you get some sick stickers that you can put on your homework folder to cover up the decapitation sketches you did in english class plus there's some pretty metal bonus content where you get to hear a guy watch himself get cummed on instead of enough people subscribe but buy me some everclear for the weekend all right that's all for now later dorks and the mean boys podcast returns uh with some Boys podcast returns with some entries into the Mean Boys mailbag.

As I forgot what the segment was called as I was introing it. You know, rockets shoot out of Tom's mailbag. Oh, my God. That's why stamps.com gives you the big bucks right there. That's why I get stamps.com checks. Oh, yeah. Check out Tom's website Scamps.com That doesn't mean anything

Yes it does, fuck you Like shrimp scampi? Alright, dad's driving the car The first question actually ties back to the conversation We were having at the end of the last segment Somebody asked Who would win in a fight, Tom Goss or the Rube? I would put my money on the Rube.

I'm sorry, Tom. It's just the X factor. Yeah, but like I said earlier, or we've discussed this before. And they specified, Tom has his swords, but the Rube has his rocks. Swords, man.

Tom, I've seen no... I also attract animals, which distracts the Rube, which gives me an interesting element, but you are getting... Tom does start a lot of errant fires, so I feel like the fire department might not be far away. But I guess you can sort of weaponize the raping animals where it's like, well, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

All right, you're not so bad, Tom. All right. I think it would be like, what's that new movie, Dunkirk, where no one wins? I think... Shut the like what's that new movie Dunkirk where no one wins shut the fuck up Tom what it was a historical thing I'm going to stop telling people you're not retarded that is what I'm going to do

you say it's a historical thing that nobody won world war 2 no the battle of Dunkirk I mean I guess Tom I've seen no evidence of you being skilled in I've seen no evidence of you being skilled in swordplay whatsoever. Yeah, you haven't seen me play with the swords. All right, I'm definitely going the Rube,

and I believe that what will happen is Tom will kill himself. The answer is Z, laser falcons. Tom will inexplicably walk into a moving car, even though they're in a field somewhere. I think he will summon traffic to wander into. The same bus that killed me and who's the kitty. Me and the Rube team up and become the new rulers

of America. We just got this vintage Russian bus restored. Okay, let's go. Let's take it out for a test drive. What is this? Is that a bitch? Oh no, we killed that guy who's getting screwed by a lizard. Next question comes from Eric Wargo. He asks, what was the last time you legitimately cried tears of joy?

Have you done it since the Batman incident? Those were like regular tears. I don't know. I don't think so. Tears of joy. I feel like mine are few and far between. Yeah, I think I was 13, and I think I got accepted into the boarding school they kicked me out of. Is that called getting accepted?

No, they kicked me out later. Are you thinking of expelled? This is before the conditions where I had some smarts and could do basic adding and subtracting with both numbers and letters before I got hit in the head with a hockey stick. Are you talking about algebra or spelling? Because either way, you're doing it in a dumb way. You do your science, I do mine. Stay out of my lab, I'll stay out of yours. By the way, mine's on fire.

I remember when I was going to go tell my parents I was going to be on Comedy Central, I wanted to cry tears of joy, and I tried to well up, and I was like, nah, still emotionless from Zoloft. Yeah, that was mine, was when I found out I was going to be on season one of Roast Battle, and then I cried different tears when I and I was like, nah, still emotionless from Zoloft. Yeah, that was mine was when I found out I was going to be on

season one of Roast Battle and then I cried different tears when I saw I'd been edited out. Those are tears we're all for. I also went to a wedding I was emotional at. It was really beautiful. That's probably,

that might be it. That might be the last time I cried out of wedding probably. Okay. Yeah, I introduced it to you. After that happened, after Keith was edited out, we were all very emotional

on the porch one day and Tom was late for the podcast and he drives, after Keith was edited out, we were all very emotional on the porch one day and Tom was late for the podcast and he drives, we just hear this like, and we're like, where the fuck is Tom? And then Tom pulls up

to the house, his horn is stuck honking and he's just trying to yell. It's been going for 10 minutes. He's trying to yell. You got Little Miss Sunshine? Yes.

He's trying to yell and he's like, yeah, I don't know what happened. The horn will not, and people are like coming out of their houses and like yelling at him. He's trying to yell at me. He's like, yeah, I don't know what happened. The horn will not. And people are coming out of their houses and yelling at him. It was going. I tried to do the horn.

I'm pulling it, and it won't not be honking always. And then we went from very upset to the hardest I've maybe ever laughed. It was literally 10 minutes, and then I was at traffic lights, and the red lights were blaring. What's this guy's problem? And everyone's flipping me off, and I just was at, like, traffic lights, and the red lights were blaring. What's this guy's problem? And everyone's, like, flipping me off, and I just kept kind of like, sorry. Sorry. Be good, Donchay.

Be good, Donchay. Be good, Donchay. Like, I kept going like this so they knew that I wasn't. Oh, that makes people more comfortable. Oh, he doesn't have his hands on the wheel, and it's honking. Oh, good. The car is haunted. So nobody's steering.

But that's good. This guy's okay. Our Gatorade fuck roommate came out, pushed the horn, and it stopped. He'd just been pulling on the horn to try to unk. He had to push it twice. Oh, he pushed it twice. He Fonzied it. He Fonzied it.

It could not have been simpler. You could have tried the other thing you could have done. You pulled it. You could have tried pushing it. You know, I would have ripped the steering wheel off of the car before I realized I could have just pushed it off. Of course you would have. What were you saying about your science, Tom? Yeah, no, it's...

It's just out of my lap. I got it. The horn's going. I'm doing a science. I'm lighting a pig on fire for science. Get that skunk out of here. Oh, no. It's not love time. Oh, no.

Tom, why is there cat shit on the iPhone? Shut up. I'm trying to beat Russia. I'm allergic to cats. God damn it. That is it for the meme boys. Oh, we got some other stuff. What was the best roast joke

you've ever heard about yourself? Kind of looks like an extra in a Super Soaker commercial for sure. Mine was Keith puts the gut in faggot. Mine was Keith puts the gut in faggot. Mine was there's something seriously wrong with Tom's head other than he keeps getting it stuck

in honey pots. Have you ever been roasted, Gary? No, I haven't. That's probably good. Then my high school history teacher, one of the best teachers ever, he's a fucking great guy, I asked for questions with pictures of me and Keith in drag. He asked, is this what your high school street teacher uh one of the best teachers ever he's a fucking great guy asked i posed i asked

for questions with pictures of me and keith and drag he asked is this what your high school career counselor is advised no uh my high school career counselor is pretty much just funneled people into the shitty community college that was down the street uh because i think they got a kickback or something i don't think i ever met my high school career counselor i don't think i ever met mine yeah which you tell you how well we did in high school i mean hey you're up good you don't think I ever met my high school career counselor. Yeah, I don't think I ever met mine. Yeah, which would tell you how well we did in high school. I mean, you're up good. You don't need the meeting. I have a free period. I met her once to get me out of regular ed into special ed.

But besides that. I like that you say that like she was doing you a favor. Oh, no. It was hurtful. It was hurtful. I knew the girls were way easier in the crayon room. Oh, no. They like eating pasty.

Another really good burn on Twitter this week is I had a sugar cube for the first time, and it was delicious. Careful. You're going to start eating your mother. I tweeted, I tweeted, I just ate a sugar cube. Horses are really on to something. And then someone tweeted at me, nice, now go eat a carrot. And I thought it was a fat joke. And I thought that was the funniest shit.

And then I tweeted at them, and they go, oh no, it was a fat joke. I just really like carrots. I was like, you just wasted one of my favorite fat jokes on me. To be fair, in Special Ed, Tom did get an A in his Skittles class. Lime.

Very good, Tom. No, Special Ed's great off the bus. You just nap and shit. Well, off the bus. You just nap and shit. Well, off the bus. You shouldn't refer to things like that. The shorthand you have. And the short bus you have. I got very normal hands.

We've been over this. No, but the bus drivers are fucking dicks. But the teachers and the nap time's real cool. I mean... The bus drivers are fucking dicks, but the teachers and the nap time is real cool. Also, I was at an academic academy before going to public school, before going to special ed. Academic academy is a term. Yeah, I went to academy academy. Tom, and this is real, thought he went to a school founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme just because.

It was called the Van Damme Academy. I swear there's a... No, it was not. That's how I learned. No, it was not, Tom. Jean-Claude Van Damme is... You're a stupid person. I don't watch dumb guys

hitting boards for film, all right? I don't know. I'm not interested. I don't know if you have a mirror. That's not a film. For the love of God, what has happened? We can't have this fight every three weeks about Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I've never watched it. What was he in that movie where he was a bodyguard and kicked people in the head? Why the fuck would I watch that? That's every one of his movies. Someone told you. Someone told you. At the school told me. Who at the school?

One of the teachers or principals. A man with a mustache falling off? Someone. Who is this hypothetical genius? Hiding behind a newspaper with eye holes. Hey, you know, Jean-Claude Van Damme founded this place. Yeah. Cab.

Someone with a tie. Someone who narrows it down, Tom. Oh, you know, people with tie don't lie. From a guy who hates the government. Oh, a full-grown tie man? A full-grown tie man. He was a big man. How sure are you

he wasn't three eight-year-olds in a trench coat? On a scale of one to that's what happened. I keep forgetting to look up the evidence and I keep... I think that shows

the education one gets from the Van Damme school. Tom, I will give you $100. Oh, no, they didn't let me in. I will give you $100 if you can prove this is true. Your admissions test, did you have to fight a bunch of Russian guys while a Whitesnake song played? Break this watermelon with your foot. You're not Van Damme material. Oh, man.

I think that's our show this week. Thank you for coming in, dude. Thanks for having me, gentlemen. You think that's our show this week. Yeah. Thank you for coming in, dude. Thanks for having me, gentlemen. You got anything to plug? The dollop will be going on tour in New Jersey and New York in August 25th and 26th. Oh, fuck yeah. And then we'll be like in – oh, I guess we haven't announced how it went. And then we'll be in Australia in October.

So if any Australians want to come out, we're all over. It's seriously one of my favorite podcasts. I've listened to every episode except the last two you guys released. Believe it or not, we actually do have Australian listeners. So if you guys are up there, please go fucking see The Dollop. You're amazing. Oh, Tuesday I'll be at The Rec Room in Huntington Beach.

It's a new comedy club down there. And then Friday I'll be at the Royal Falconer in Redlands. Keith and I have a little tour coming up in August. Check us out in Harbor, Oregon, August 21st. You can just find the dates. Hit me up on Twitter.

I've got my website. Tuesday at Throckmorton Theater in Mill Valley. Wednesday is the one we're really pushing. It's right outside of Sacramento, the Rockland Comedy Theater. It's giving us a mean boys night to do a bunch of stupid bullshit. Friday, 25th in Arcata, 26th in Ukiah at a fucking bowling alley. And then that Sunday Pizza Place

San Jose You know we do it big time here Yeah Check out the other website And the Twitter for all that Also September 19th We have a live Mean Boys podcast

At Harvell's in Long Beach Sure do The night this comes out August 15th Come see me and Connor Tag team at the roast battle Against Frank Castillo And Jay Light

We don't know what we're gonna do It's probably gonna be gay Yeah Like super gay ass I just realized This isn't coming out do. It's probably going to be gay. Yeah, like super gay ass. I just realized this isn't coming out this Tuesday. It's the following Tuesday. I wasn't going to correct you. Yeah, so I will have already done those shows,

and they went tremendously. That's great. Thank you. But if you want to catch me at the Mad House Friday... Oh, no, that's next month. Oh, no, that's this month. August 24th and 26th. Tom, I've never met anyone worse with plugs than me.

I mean, Tom, this makes me feel 24th for the 26th. Tom, I've never met anyone worse with plugs than me. I mean, Tom, this makes me feel good about how I do it. And I'm always like, I don't know where it is. It's on the wall. Not only are none of the listeners

going to go to the show you're trying to plug, I would be shocked if you figured out how to plug the show you're trying to plug. Hey, they showed up to August 25th and 26th

at the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego. I will be doing The Weeknd and it's going to be fantastic. And also, yesterday, yesterday, yesterday, I put together a fan page, which I'm very, what's the word, embarrassed about. So you want to go ahead. Not the word I expected to follow.

It'd be number nine and ten to like my fan page last time i checked it was five but oh boy you can be on the ground floor of something that facebook did so thank you very much america thank you all right fuck everything god is dead Yes!