Mean Boys - EP 75 - Stab Device (feat. Mike Lawrence & Pat Barker)
Episode Date: August 22, 2017Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "The Garden of Eden", “Strip Club Game” by @TheJozOfLife, "Making A Gossta", and a gam...e of "Which of the Following" with baseball player names by Pat Barker. Get our T-Shirt of the month on Teespring: teespring.com/stores/the-mean-boys See Connor & Keith live all over NorCal in August and see a live Mean Boys 9/19 at Harvelle's in Long Beach: meanboyspodcast.com/live-shows Watch Make America Great Again (Again) on YouTube: youtu.be/WNHVGUUS0oU Send us an email at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at (304) 805-6326 We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Listen to Pat's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/out-of-their-league/id1243678309?mt=2 Listen to Mike's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/rough-hang/id1269730517?mt=2&i=390853533 Follow our guest Mike Lawrence on Twitter: twitter.com/themikelawrence Follow our guest Pat Barker on Twitter: twitter.com/patbarkercomedy Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey everybody, it's Keith and Connor and Tom from the Mean Boys Podcast.
What? What? What?
Hey guys, we got a great show for you this week.
Tom wasn't able to make it for this week's episode,
but we got Mike Lawrence and Pat Barker in the studio.
It's a real fun one.
If you are excited to hear Connor, get the shit kicked out of him for an hour.
Just pretend I'm Pat Barker.
Matt nailed me to a fucking cross.
No, not that. Fucking Mike.
I got Matt and Pat. Mike and Pat.
Anyway.
Mike Lawrence wails on Connor viciously.
Like, not quite Ralphie Maybad, but still pretty rough.
Yeah, it's going to be a good time.
And it's a good time with the movie.
So please enjoy this episode.
Follow them.
Follow all their wacky endeavors.
Listen to Pat's new podcast, which we talk about a little bit at the end of the show.
And also Mike's called Rough Hang on the All Things Comedy Network.
They're both very, very funny.
A couple other little bits of news.
We're at a fucking 94% of our first Patreon goal, which is wildly exceeding our expectations.
That is bananas.
Fuck yeah.
Thank you to everybody who's given us stuff.
We've got a lot of fun shit planned for Patreon bonus stuff.
Yeah, and we're going to be able to do it.
And a lot of fun stuff already here.
Yeah, and we're going to be able to do a lot of cool stuff with all that money.
So, fucking thank you guys so much.
And if we get to that first goal, it's an extra episode every month of a whole fucking hour of scripted comedy
bullshit.
So if you've been holding off on donating,
now's the time.
Cause we're so close and you guys are so close to getting an extra episode.
Uh,
indeed.
And Keith and I are going to be on tour all,
uh,
all this week.
Uh,
by the time this drops last night,
we will have been in Harbor,
Oregon,
uh,
at the hotel just past the red,
white and blue canoe,
uh,
where we're staying.
Uh,
so tonight you can catch me, uh, Tuesday, August 22nd at the Falkmore the red, white, and blue canoe where we're staying. So tonight you can catch me Tuesday, August 22nd,
at the Falkmore Theater in Mill Valley.
Tomorrow, Wednesday, we're going to be at the Blacktop Comedy Theater in Rockland.
That's going to be an awesome show.
If you're in the Sacramento area, please come check that one out.
On the 25th, we're at the Arcata Playhouse in Arcata.
And then on the 26th, it's the Comedy Lanes in Ukiah. I've been informed
it's pronounced Ukiah. Yeah, you got some very aggressive
tweets. Yeah, from people like, that's where
AFI is from. I said Ukiah.
Yeah, but when have we ever trusted you?
Right. And now you
fucking back...
It backfired.
And on Sunday, the Pizza Factory
in San Jose. So check out
the meatboyspodcast.com slash shows for all the details on those.
And if you don't live near there and you don't have money, one thing you can do for free that we'd really appreciate is leave us a review on iTunes.
Yeah, that would really be helpful.
We've gotten a lot of really nice reviews.
We finally got our first one-star review.
I know.
I was kind of proud of that.
Don't leave those.
No, no, no.
Give us five-star reviews.
You can write whatever dumb shit you want, but leave us five stars.
But that just means that this podcast is reaching people that hate it, which kind of is almost
more meaningful to me.
And we're 14 away from 100, and I think that's when you attain podcast legitimacy.
Yeah, so make us a real thing.
Yeah, indeed.
And I think that's about it.
We got the meme.
Sponsored by Don Carlos, taco shop in California.
The finest Mexican food that money can buy.
Go to where should they go?
Oh, speaking of San Diego, I'll be at the Madhouse this weekend, Friday and Saturday.
All right.
No, I was going for the plug.
Okay, yeah.
Go see Tom, I guess.
Yeah, I was going for a practically obligated advertising sponsor.
But first, meet me at...
Go to eatuparino.com.
I'll be there.
I'll be there.
You'll just be there at any indeterminate time?
No, no, no.
Before the show, Friday and Saturday.
Okay.
Yeah. Go get your fucking... Eat a taco with me, motherfuckers. No, no, no. Before the show, Friday and Saturday. Okay. Go get your fucking...
Eat a taco with me, motherfuckers.
Eat a taco with me.
Yes, you can go get your
skateboard bracelet
signed by Tom Goss.
If you find Tom Goss
at Don Carlos this weekend,
if you happen to stumble into him,
send us a picture
and we will send you something.
Yeah.
Might be me.
Go hunting for him
like a Pokemon.
We have the Teespring
Mean Boys
Black Flag shirts
it's the Black Flag logo
but instead of bars
they're dicks
and instead of it
saying Black Flag
it says Mean Boys
yeah if you don't think
that's the best shirt ever
don't listen to this show
yeah you're fired
from being a fan
yeah
other than that
we
I'm not gonna announce that yet
yeah
I think that's it
that's it
that's the show
not the show
this is the intro to the show
enjoy the show. Not the show. This is the intro to the show. Enjoy the show.
Happy beginning of show.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast.
There's plenty of fish in the sea, and they're not going to fuck you either.
I'm Connor McSpadden.
I'm Keith Carey.
I'm Mike Lawrence.
And I'm...
The proud father of a cheesesteak dump.
That's just so mean.
We were talking about this earlier.
This is not about your actual baby.
It's just you had to undergo Lamaze training to perform bowel movements as a regular person.
We just realized we like the idea that every time you poop, there's just like a full sandwich.
There was no training necessary.
I just breathe like that normally.
He didn't even digest that toothpick at all.
I eliminate the middleman.
And that's why there's pepperoncinis on the toilet paper.
We are joined by Pat Barker and far too famous to be in this kitchen, Mike Lawrence, everybody.
Yeah, I'm just feeling how much this is beneath me.
That's true.
What did it sink in?
When you put the Uber destination in the app, I was like, are you sure, man?
I mean, did you mean the Laugh Factory?
No.
The four of us look like we haven't been happy since Opie stopped recording with Anthony.
Like, yeah, nobody's ever looked healthier by comparison
than Connor does at this table.
I feel like we just gathered here to find new ways
to say the word cuck.
Yeah.
Oh, so you've heard the show.
I feel like I'm the guy at the divorce support group
that's like, ah, you don't really count.
You got it annulled.
I feel like this ends with, you may be mean boys,
but to me, I'm a mean man.
Just walking through an ocean with stones in my pocket.
Yeah, Mike Lawrence is really the Stooges
to ard the clash of this block.
Well, thank you for joining us, gentlemen.
I think we're all fired up.
What do you say we get into our first segment,
The Mexican Joke Off?
Hi, so topical.
Let's fucking do it.
All right, I'll take us away. Ay, so topical. Let's fucking do it.
I'll take us away. A burglar was caught via DNA evidence obtained after not flushing his
poop at the crime scene. So ladies, if you want to get
your rape kit processed before it expires, make sure
he poops on you.
That is a joke about the broken
criminal justice system. That is a joke about rape
and poop. Yeah, I was going to say, that's one
spin on it.
For some reason, this is my first reaction. I read this and I was like,
so this guy stole like $100,000
worth of jewelry in WeHo, and then they
found him like a week later because he's shitting there.
But someone comes on you and
that's a horrible crime.
You don't catch the guy ever.
You just let it sit in the evidence locker.
I mean, yeah. You also delivered
the joke like you're an extra
in a Gilmore Girls episode.
He somehow adds syllables and talks too fast.
It's so fucking worthy.
Do you have any idea how...
When we have a relevant guest in here, it really throws me.
I can't assert dominance over you.
You understand joke writing.
None of my tricks that I usually pull work.
I got the one career any of us could have.
Misanthrope for hire.
We have to kill Mike after this, and then one of us turns into Mike.
All right, I'll go next.
A mother is under fire for raising $40,000 to cure her three-year-old son's cancer, which he did not actually have.
She said she's very sorry.
In an attempt to right her wrongs, her son is now up to two packs a day.
Force feeding a child cigarettes.
Gonna give that baby cancer.
Is there a smoking baby in Taiwan?
And he just like, they can't stop him from smoking.
He just goes down to the market and people give them to him because they think it's funny.
I mean, it is pretty funny.
It's pretty adorable.
Oh my God, can we teach Pat's baby to smoke?
Dude, he's gonna learn. I mean. He can we teach Pat's baby to smoke? Dude, he's going to learn.
He's going to develop so many other terrible habits, he doesn't need to smoke.
Yeah, well, because Jay Light's going to babysit him outside the comedy store.
He will do no such thing.
All right, I wrote this one on the car ride.
White Uber ride, to be honest with myself.
Yes, I had a car service take me to this crack house.
Not a car service, I said Uber.
A white supremacy rally is underway as we speak in Charlottesville, Virginia, after a Robert E. Lee statue was taken down.
I haven't seen this few black people since last week's MSG fish concert.
God damn it.
When I heard MSG, I was like, wait, what does soup have to do with this?
Yeah, it took me a second to make sure that wasn't a Chinese food thing.
We're not New Yorkers, Pat.
We don't understand your shorthand.
Connor had a Gilmore Girls joke, and you had a Golden Girls joke.
Fantastic.
A motorcyclist is recovering in Calabasas after plummeting 250 feet off the side of a cliff.
He's said to be in good spirits and hopes to shortly resume plans
to murder that fucking roadrunner once and for all.
As soon as I heard plummet off a cliff,
I knew it was going to be a Wile E. Coyote joke.
I was like, that joke better be good after fucking shit.
All right.
I wanted you to bomb it
so I could say you did a Golden Corral joke.
Oh, I've got four more.
Save that.
You owe Chuck Jones.
You're really showing your training at the Acme Comedy Theater.
That is a joke for no one.
That joke is both regional and not funny at all.
A new study shows that copper cocktail cups can cause severe poisoning.
Fortunately, everyone that would be at risk for contamination will probably self-medicate with crystals and die anyway.
That's like one of the things where you do if you have a shitty bar
to make it seem like a less shitty bar. You get Edison bulbs
and copper cups. Yeah, put everything
in mason jars and just hope that counts as a
personality. Twelve criminals
escaped from an Atlanta prison using a jar
of peanut butter. In related news, Scruff
McGruff has been charged with sexual misconduct
and placed on administrative leave.
Okay, Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott
has been suspended for six games
after being accused by an ex-girlfriend
of domestic violence,
which is great for me
since he was my fantasy domestic violence
first-round pick.
Oh, no.
Draft crimes.
The only place to bet on crime.
You get a ring and then just...
They're really...
Online gambling is making a resurgence.
I feel like that might be a thing.
There is some dark web, like,
who's going to punch their girlfriend,
fucking betting service, I guarantee you.
Oh, totally.
There's a thing called predict it for politics,
and some of them are about criminal...
Why is there not a Mean Boys There's a thing called Predict It for politics, and some of them are about criminal fucking...
Why is there not a Mean Boys Predict a Political Sex Crime League?
Subscribe to SheAskedForItKings.com.
A mildly popular podcast now into the online gambling business.
The Mean Boys have launched a controversial crime betting website.
That would be so badass.
But only if you're on the Patreon.
It'd be one of these things where everyone was like,
this is more reprehensible, but privately like,
all right, well, yeah, I mean, I got 10 bucks on Kaepernick.
Yeah, I don't like it, but I'm going to be on the winning side.
Hey, Pat's got a joke that ends with a Pepe Le Pew punchline.
We've had several Pepe Le Pew jokes on this show,
and they've all been bad.
Well, I said the guy that did the parachutings
name was Pepe Le Pew Pew Pew.
All right.
So dismissive.
I got nothing to add to that.
One day you'll follow after not a bomb.
I like to reset the room for everybody.
All right, let's see.
A Chinese woman is under investigation
after she attempted to mail her baby to the orphanage.
Chinese authorities stress that you should never mail a baby.
But if you must,
first go to Stamps.com
and enter promo code
Population Control.
But that's all, folks.
There you go.
There you go.
It's pants.
Now we're never
going to get Stamps.com.
We're going to have to,
you know,
slum it with MeUndies.
I love the idea
of trying to get stamps.
We were aggressively rejected by Amazon for a sponsorship.
Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.
Amazon's getting their comeuppance later in the joke-off.
Hawaii has become...
You are not a prime candidate.
First of all, boo.
Second of all, I can't believe you did a coming soon for a probably bad joke.
It's pretty good. Okay. Hawaii, I'm doing the one did a coming soon for a probably bad joke. It's pretty good.
Hawaii, I'm doing the one no one's going to like right now in the middle.
That's only for me.
Well, your other ones have been real hot.
A few of the 90s babies in the audience.
If this bombs, we get to start hosting the show.
You want it, take it.
We're bigger than him.
We can already just fucking Thunderdome rules.
Just take this thing.
Let me just tell you, Mike, this is the coolest this room gets.
So think very carefully about what podcast you're hijacking.
We don't have central air or really any extra fans.
We just both sweat to death.
Both for the podcast and for air circulation.
That sad moment when Mike realized he was the Obama episode of Mean Boys.
Hey, we had Gareth on. People listened to his
podcast. Check out Rough Hanks
on the All Things Comedy Network. I listened to the first
20 minutes. It was funny.
Guys, it's been long delayed.
It's time to finally get this out of the way.
Hawaii has become the first state to institute
a warning system for a potential nuclear attack
from North Korea. Emergency Relief Coordinator
Otto Rocket called the current state of affairs
bogus, bogus, bogus.
Rocket powered joke.
I know what it is. I hate you.
I didn't get it, but I pieced
together through context clues that it wasn't good.
That's correct.
I like most people would have chosen
rambly or unfunny and you went with both.
I learned it from watching you.
He commits, man.
An Alaskan cruise ship was forced to dock after impaling a humpback whale on its bow.
One crew member remarked, quote,
Usually the only whales we see on the front of the ship are fat housewives doing the Titanic picture.
That is the Lachma lights of the cruise ship.
Ballers has been renewed for a fourth season on HBO.
Who knows what will happen now that the show is ahead of the books
I can't believe
Wait, did you say fourth season?
Yeah
That shit has been happening for three seasons
And we all just agreed that was going to be okay
I didn't really realize
I thought it was brand new
I kind of thought it was like a joke
And then I was like, oh fuck, we're really doing this?
I know Elizabeth Warren likes it.
Daughters of topless women from season one will now be in season four.
I shuddered to do the math.
I don't know what you just said.
Like, best case, that's a naked 12-year-old.
That is all downhill from there, my friend.
I'm okay if I'm too smart for Mean Boys.
Apollo's joke was a good fucking joke.
Well, I thought,
yeah, I thought it was an accounting joke,
and I was like, ah, fuck, I don't know the mob.
We both cannot read and cannot afford HBO,
so you gotta read the room better.
Or listen to the audiobook of it.
Go ahead, Pat.
Yeah, go for something simple and dumb like this.
The FBI said ISIS used eBay and PayPal
to send money to a U.S. operative.
This is shocking news,
as the U.S. long-suspected radical Islamic terrorist
would send funds through Venmo Hamid.
See, Venmo Hamid.
You take the Venmo, and you add the Hamid, and it's a nicest joke.
Hang on, do me a favor. Explain it one more time.
Okay, so you got Venmo, and then you got Mohammed.
Yeah.
And then you combine them.
We're going to take your kid.
Connor.
I heard they had a shell company in Kashapistan.
Not better.
Even your ribs are bombing.
Mike, you're making me very insecure, and I think it's hurting the final product.
It is turning me on how bummed out Connor is right now.
Please don't stop.
We have like three people on the show that I respect, and two of them are you.
And you're beating the shit in front of all of them.
How dare you
you're just you're just you're just happy because you usually bomb the hardest in this segment
that's 100 true all right uh convicted rapist was caught working at a rape counseling center
in fresno the pinterest personnel director of the organization called it the worst hiring
blunder since mike lawrence's brief stint at the obscure superhero t-shirt emporium.
It bothers me that you had to use me to get your first good joke.
That I was your comedy
lifeline.
Fuck you.
We do this every show, Mike.
Well, I tried talking about the world
and that didn't work.
Hey, look at this guy next to me.
Nobody wants to look at you, Mike.
Hey, Mike, can you do me a favor?
Can you clear an hour out of your night so we can...
God damn it.
I can't tell if this is a comedy irritation or just straight up I don't like Connor anymore.
Look, I'm along for the ride either way.
All right.
The bodies of three Native American children were dug up and relocated this week.
When asked for comment, the foreman of the crew responsible said, quote,
No, I've never seen Poltergeist.
Why does everybody keep asking me that?
All right.
Craving the Hunter XL.
Take us away.
An alleged bigamist couple was indicted in the slayings of five family members, including the man's second pregnant wife.
On the plus side, I can't wait for their
TLC show, Five Victims
and Counting.
Tagline, the couple
that slays together stays together.
That's why you work in TV.
That's fucking great. I would watch that.
Shout out to a friend of the show,
Alex Hooper, did a joke about the learning channel.
He said they should rename that channel,
God, I'm gross, watch me live.
And he should rename that channel
as the one place that I might have a TV show.
The network where I'm the hot one.
The new show, Surviving With Whatever's Going On There.
Right after, look at these midgets.
Look at them.
And right before, ew, fatties.
Those midget shows are just like, yes, they have a stool for lots of different things.
All right?
There's the kitchen stool.
TLC's first game show, baby or tumor.
It's got to suck to be the one midget that hasn't been on TLC.
You just keep showing up to the auditions.
What don't I have that they do?
I saw a Craigslist casting ad
for gay and pregnant.
That's a fun one.
It's confusing.
That's a show that I could sell tomorrow.
I can't follow that, but I'll try.
A high school football player
was killed during a practice drill after a log hit him in the head.
His girlfriend expressed remorse, but also relief at avoiding a good 10 years worth of domestic abuse thanks to CTE.
It's been a big round for football punching lady jokes.
Yeah, well, they give us a lot of material.
That's true.
All right, and finally, a transgender woman is suing Amazon for harassment during her tenure at one of the firm's warehouses.
Her supervisors claim calling her an Amazon employee was in reference to the company, not her shoulders.
There it is.
Scientists have released a list of U.S. states with rising rates of Alzheimer's disease.
The top five are Alaska, Arizona, Alaska, Zimbabwe,
Where's Billy, Seven, and Alaska.
Today is the three-year anniversary
of comedian Robin Williams' death,
and many celebrities pay tribute to him,
including Chester Bennington in his hotel room.
Aww.
We like to punch up on this show.
Should have punched up the first four jokes.
Damn, I got mine.
In true Robin Williams tradition, I stole that joke from someone else.
His final words.
I guess he was the first person to read the new Jumanji script.
Robin Williams was a people pleaser, Mike.
There is very little resemblance between you two.
This man was hungry for laughter at all costs.
He was just hungry for, like, whatever.
The only thing he was robbing was other people's jokes.
What we're saying is we're glad Robin Williams is dead.
That is an official podcast stance.
Did anyone else get the talk from their father after
Robin Williams killed himself where he's like,
I'm learning now. All comedians are depressed.
What's up? You alright, buddy?
No, because my father had been dead for several years.
Mine was busy just quietly avoiding
being part of my life. I forgot I have a
great life. Pat.
My dad also had that talk with me.
And then
mailed you a rope.
It's not your fault.
He seemed like he was doing well.
A 75-year-old Michigan woman was killed by a hippo on safari.
Police say the Hungry Hungry Hippo murder is the worst case they've seen since Chris Benoit committed the Don't Wake Daddy massacre of 2007.
I like this.
I see you're Bennington and I raise
you one Benoit.
Bennington and Benoit.
We got to start doing like a death tally
of how many dead kids we go through by the
end of every Mexican joke.
Thousands. We hit at least like
14 confirmed kills in just
this one round of this game.
Yeah, well, it's gotten to the point where people forward me kids that die in weird ways.
That's because the bigamist killed a pregnant second wife.
Well, yeah, they were overachieving.
That was a freebie.
I don't really count that.
You mean they forward you the articles or they just mail you the dead kids?
Non-Christians counted it as four and a half.
I haven't checked the P.O. box in a while.
That's a Patreon perk.
We'll sign it and send it back.
You know, shaking hands and signing babies.
The Mean Boys podcast.
It's expensive to send a baby, though.
It costs an arm and a leg.
We're chopping up the babies.
That is the second reference to mailing babies that has been made in the first 12 minutes of the show.
Do all the guests do better than the host?
Generally, yes.
Usually, you know, we don't have funny people on, all right?
This is a rare lapse in judgment.
It won't happen again.
So fuck you, everyone else who's been on the show, apparently.
Yeah, you get it.
Mean Boys Podcast will be right back.
Adam, my son, are you finding the bounties of my garden to your liking?
Yes, Father. In your grace, you have provided almost everything I could have ever hoped for.
This is truly paradise.
Thank you. I am pleased to have provided so for my child.
But I must ask you, what did you mean by almost?
Well, Father, if I may be candid, I've grown lonely.
And while you have provided all that I might need
to nourish my body, I must confess
my spirit still hungers.
I have been concerned about this very
thing, dear Adam. I mean,
it's just the two of us here, and well,
you know that I know what you've been doing
behind the bushes. That's exactly it,
Father, and I was hoping that I might
humbly ask you to remove
one of my ribs so that I... Ah, so that
I might fashion your rib into a suitable
companion.
Uh, well, not
exactly. Uh, so
what do you... Oh, for the love
of me, you don't mean to...
I mean, it just seems like
it would feel really good,
Father, and I can't quite reach it.
Didn't you think when I designed you that that might have been intentional?
I didn't create life so I could watch it suck its own dick in my backyard.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm still so thankful for everything you've done and this world you've created.
I just thought that maybe as your only son, you might be able to just do me a favor.
Oh, a favor.
I didn't realize giving you fucking life was...
You know what?
Fine.
Here.
Should have stopped the dinosaurs.
Thanks, Pops.
Oh, Christ.
Just don't touch my fucking apple tree after you do that shit.
I'm going to bust my ass for six days to eat cheesy apples.
And the Mean Boys podcast returns with a fan submitted game by a friend of the show
Jocelyn Sharp, a very funny comedian I've worked with
out in Las Vegas. She writes,
Hi Mean Boys.
My favorite part of the podcast are the new names, Tom Tomerty
and Witch of the Following Games. I was laughing so hard at one the other day
I just parked my car and finished the rest of the episode
in a Carl's Jr. parking lot. That's both touching and
sad. Yeah.
Because when you need a second to pull over and make a connection with someone through the radio in a Carl's Jr. parking lot, things aren't going well.
You ever cry at a Carl's Jr. before?
I haven't.
I saw a girl get dumped at Carl's Jr., and she was crying, and I was like, this is not a sad moment.
This is the first day of the rest of your life.
Someone that's going to leave you at Carl's Jr. was not a keeper.
I've never not cried at a Carl's Jr.
Is Carl's Sr. ever like, I expected more of you, son?
That's on the secret menu at Carl's Jr. is Kleenex.
Every time you try and order through the drive-thru, it's just playing Hurt by Johnny Cash, Becky.
Anyway, I decided to try a game submission.
So here's my Strip Club Yelp game submission.
Fuck everything, God is dead. Thank you, Jocelyn, following on Twitter at JocelynSharp.
Spelled in the most hookerish way
you could think of with a Z and shit.
The Z is a dollar sign somehow.
Yes. White Lady.
Weird. Strip Club Reviews.
You get two snippets from the review of the Strip Clubs, and you have to
guess how many stars they have on Yelp.
So this first one is a Climax Strip Club
in Pittsburgh. It is a now-closed
drive-thru strip club.
Sorry, I'm going to stop you right there.
Explain yourself.
I'm not the proprietor of this, but I don't know.
This is all the information I have.
How long can you possibly stop?
Well, there's a drive-thru
bikini espresso place that we've been to
in Frozen.
Wait, so people in Pittsburgh
pretend they have other places to go?
We went to this coffee place where you drive up and it's just ladies and gentlemen. It's like a in Pittsburgh pretend they have other places to go. So we went to this coffee place where you drive up and it's just like a caffeine tit aquarium. It's so sad.
And we went in the middle of the day and we're the only ones there.
And the girls were just like, yeah, whatever.
We have boobs.
All right, here's your fucking juice.
But at least now when you're buying a product, how do you have just a drive through strip club?
It's not really a club.
Is there a menu where you're like, let me get a number number two which is just like ass spreading with light spanking oh god yeah
hold the mayo all right other views it's like a fast food experience with ladies perfect for a
quick man like man wait a quick i like that this person thinks that women have never worked in fast
food have never worked in fast food? By the way, now the dames get the experience.
What if there was women that come out the window
and you see the titties?
Man, they're like making the chicken sandwiches
with the vaginas or whatever.
So are you giving me the loan or not?
Am I rich yet?
And review number two, let's just put it bluntly,
losers only go.
Okay.
These are two very grammatically incorrect reviews.
So these are both for that one same drive-thru one.
Yeah.
And we have to try and figure out how many stars it has on Yelp.
Yeah.
One through five.
The thing is, I'm sure this place is a nightmare.
I have no doubt.
But I think the kind of person who is going to write a Yelp review of a drive-thru strip club is only going to have good things to say about it? Yeah. Because they're monsters?
Well, it's your novelty of it.
I mean, I couldn't go and be like,
as long as it is some kind of strip club that isn't a drive-thru,
I'm going to be satisfied with my Looky Lou experience.
Yeah.
Well, you're even writing the Yelp review in the hopes of like,
well, you know, when Denise takes me back,
I'll look at this Yelp review and be like,
what a fun moment in my life.
She doesn't.
I go two stars.
All right, Pat Barker.
For Carlos Jr.
All right.
I would have gone with jacking it in the box.
Oh, that's very good.
That's very good.
Or just Wendy's, really.
I think the ratings are going to be good.
I feel like the second one, the review starts that way,
where it's like, let's get one thing straight.
Only losers go here.
That being said, I'm a loser, and it's awesome.
You think it's the young, hot Wendy who eats salad in the commercial,
but it's the real one who talks about her father's legacy?
Honestly, you're smart.
That's the Meredith from The Office.
When my dad first designed this chili in 1979.
My tits, much like his burgers, are square.
That's where he got the idea.
What if a cube was gross?
Hangs out from the side of the bun.
Who wants the chili cup?
They named it Frosty after Mike Hunt.
You can dip fries in it.
Wow. Four stars. Sp spit some back out at you i'm gonna i was gonna say
four but just to split the difference i'll say three stars uh it's three and a half stars oh
shit that's better than i expected but you read two negative reviews that's the game i don't think
the first one was negative you gotta do a little calculation you said what about fast food but
ladies yeah it's like a fast food experience with ladies.
Nothing about that is negative.
Yeah, that sounds amazing.
Yeah, I don't think anyone here is like, oh, fast food, gross.
Those are two things.
I was a person that worked at a McDonald's for seven and a half years.
You worked there for seven years?
Seven and a half.
Jesus Christ.
I know.
I tried to downgrade it to make it seem mildly less shitty.
No, I'm shitty.
You did what, two tours in Iraq?
No, three.
I didn't even answer that question. How dare you?
Number two,
Pirates Co. in Portland. This is a bar
and grill featuring strippers. Food at a strip club
has always creeped me out.
That's just too many...
I don't want glitter in my onion. I've only eaten at a strip
club once and it was the best strip club
experience and only good one I've ever had.
A Portland strip club would be so obnoxious
because every minute the stripper's like,
just so you know, this is my choice.
The one I went to was in Portland. I got a
lap dance from a white lady with dreadlocks
who put her butt all over my nose and told me about
gentrification. I also
won $50 on a Resident Evil slot machine
and used some of that to buy tater tots.
She named her butthole Carrie
Brownstein.
I also went to a strip club.
She gave me a Port Handia.
I also went to a strip club.
My arm is in her.
Oh, God.
The whole fucking arm.
My friend arm is in her.
Like a fucking Hot Topic puppet.
I'll complete the cycle.
I also went to a strip club in Portland
and they were playing Home Alone on a gigantic
screen.
Within 10 minutes, I was fixated
on Home Alone and I didn't
even pay attention. And then you realized the movie wasn't
on. It was just Macaulay Culkin looking through the window.
I can't afford him no more.
He was just sitting next to the old man
with a shovel. I'm just picturing
a gal that's doing a stunt with paint
cans hanging from her nipples.
I also went
to a strip club in Portland after I'd been
brutally dumped and I took a 24-hour
Greyhound and I had no money, so
Omid Singh, former guest of the show, bought me
a lap dance because I was depressed and it just made me sadder.
The strippers can't
relate to the end of Home Alone when he reunites
with the family again
Why is his mom squeezing him like that?
You got dumped so bad
You went to a strip club in a different state?
There's strip clubs here
I had to also go to Portland
You left that part out
You're like, I got dumped so I hopped on a Greyhound
And drove 24 hours to a strip club
The Greyhound thing was already bought by the time I was dumped, baby
The time you just worked out perfectly
The only reason Home Alone is playing in a strip club is that Daniel Stern shows up at that strip club.
He wants his hit on when he comes.
All right, well, let's get into this game of the reviews.
A, my only problem with this place is that the bartender cut me off from Maker's Mark after one and then would only serve me beer.
If you want to make money, either be naked or serve me my whiskey.
And review number two, what I didn't like was the boring white bread.
Okay.
Wait. Her name was
Shelly?
Kept trying
to get the DJ to play her ukulele.
I hope this isn't erasing because it leads me to believe
this person's a bit. We need more diversity at this
pirate-themed strip club.
And my cousin is a folk musician living in Portland,
so I'm allowed to shit on Portland.
This place is called Pirate's Cove?
Yes.
I've been to Portland.
I'm allowed to shit on Portland.
You look like Portland.
Yeah, Mike kind of looks like all things he hates.
Yeah, fucking somebody fed ground control after midnight.
Well, Connor is what Portland thinks it is,
but I am what it is.
What's the difference?
I know I went low last time,
but I can't imagine people rating Yelp reviews
in Portland to be that positive.
Yeah.
I feel like, yeah, it's a very nitpicky place.
I mean, I've never got an Uber in Portland
without them telling me
what they're really doing with their lives.
Not like here in L.A.
As a guy who got a free frozen yogurt at Pinkberry by telling them that I'd been on TV and still didn't have any money, I can't cast dispersions on these people.
I'm going to go two and a half.
All right, Pat Barth.
Portland's full of goofy, awful hipsters, and this seems like the type of shit they would love.
Four stars.
Yeah, Portland is a weird blend.
Yeah, it's like shitty hipsters, but also scumbags.
It's like a good watering hole for both types of people.
I'm going to say five stars.
I'm going to say all the way across.
One of you guys is right on the money.
Four stars.
Boom.
Damn.
Pat Barker.
Next one.
Showgirls Men's Club in Plant City, Florida only has one review.
That is the laziest name of a city I've ever heard.
What do we call it?
Fuck.
Plantburg.
That's the Mega Man level they didn't fully develop.
Did somebody take Sky Island?
Los Angeles actually translates to Stolen Mexican Sandtown.
The review is, got a sweet spot for C-section scars and bullet wounds?
You'll love this place.
My friend threw up on the couch, and they just put a towel over it.
I'd add a star if they had a buffet.
Now, was this a review of the whole state of Florida?
Yeah, goddamn, that's sad.
I don't see loose vomit and think,
well, I wish there was a line of food
that I could purchase at a flat rate.
I'm going to go five.
Well, I mean, you're going to be hungry
after you vomit it.
I'm going to go five
because this person feels like
they deserve to be there.
And they know it.
This strip club, you deserve this.
God, I'm going to say two stars.
You said it only has one review?
One review, yeah.
So the person led with this.
It's got to be, if it's anything higher than one, this person has no respect for themselves.
They're at a strip club in Plant City, Florida.
What else are you going to do at Plant City, Florida?
I don't know.
Kill yourself.
Drive to Jacksonville.
There's a lot of options, Pat.
This ain't the big city.
This ain't Treeville.
One star.
Two stars.
Bam.
I find it weird
That she put all this
Like I guess
Two stars for kitsch value
You know like
If you want to go
To a ghetto strip club
Like this is your
Wait a lady wrote this
Oh yeah Claire G
Now the fact that
I've gone all these wrong
Means I win right
That's how this works
I think that means
You get to be loved
Yeah
You're going home
To someone that cares about you
Yeah
Whereas I'm going home
To Connor
Alright You're already home to someone that cares about you. Whereas I'm going home to Connor.
You're already home.
Exactly.
Behind that curtain.
You get one review of a strip club, and you have to guess what state it's in.
Ah, shit.
I'm just going to preemptively say Florida.
Well, again, similar to Walmart's, whenever you enter a strip club, it is an embassy for the state of Florida.
You're technically on Florida soil.
One of the worst strip clubs in the Midwest, the girls were mostly seven or six. Six or seven.
Which sounds really...
Waiting or...
Yeah, I'm assuming they're going by that.
Let's not dig any deeper on this.
You know, a Midwest seven is an LA negative
four.
I feel like Jim Bury needs to clean up
their marketing campaign because this guy had
very skewed expectations.
I feel it just means that Sarah Huckabee Sanders was working there.
Most of the girls had a lot of baby fat from kids.
You can see the cesarean section scars on some of the girls.
Overpriced VIP rooms that are too small and stinky left by Eddie S.
What state is this in?
Ah, fuck.
You said Midwest.
Nowhere good.
I'm going to say Kansas.
All right.
I am going to say Wisconsin.
I think I was going to say, like, if you're in Kansas or in Iowa, you don't know any better.
Like, any strip club is probably amazing to you because there's boobs.
You've got to be somewhere where there's a big city
nearby. I'm going to go with Indiana.
Like an Indianapolis somewhere
around there.
Pat was a little closer. It's Ohio.
That was Centerfold Club,
Columbus, Ohio.
Next one.
Nothing but fat mud sharks.
Ghetto-tastic on the best night.
Save your money and buy a 40.
Left by William B.
Atlanta.
God damn it. I was waiting my turn.
Yeah, it's Atlanta.
Nothing but fat mud sharks.
It's the meanest thing I've ever heard about it.
I don't even know if that's good or bad.
Mud sharks have a skinny mud shark.
Yeah, I mean, that's like weird fucking clockwork orange language.
I don't know what it means.
You want to do bloody Mud Shark?
A Mud Shark sounds like a signature sandwich at a weird deli or just a bad poop.
And the shark has sunglasses in the logo.
Take a bite out of this!
These Mud Sharks are rad!
They have an appetizer platter that comes out on a surfboard.
All right.
Nothing but fat mud sharks.
Skedotastic on the best site.
Save your money and buy a 40.
What state is that in?
Georgia.
Yeah.
Atlanta, Georgia.
All right.
That is from Omaha, Nebraska.
What?
Wow.
What?
Yeah.
I feel like this is probably an Atlanta refugee that landed in the wrong neck of the woods.
All right, we're going to move on to the final round.
Finish the reveal.
You'll get the first part of the Yelp review of Strip Club,
and you'll choose from two possible endings of the review.
Can I choose my own adventure and make up a third?
Yes.
I think you designed a game that we'd all strike out at
so we feel like him in the first round.
I didn't design the game.
Someone else did, and it just worked out conveniently.
Alright.
Sin City in Bronx, New York.
Splits on the ceiling, flips on poles,
bottles in between butt cheeks. These bitches are magical.
Now does it end A,
it's like my dirty Gryffindor fantasies came true,
expecto patronum, or like
expecto patro yum,
I cast several patronuses in my pants.
Oh god. Or B, they're like little naked stripper angels who fell topless from having to teach the world Especto Patro Yum, I cast several Patronuses in my pants. Oh, God.
Or B, they're like little naked stripper angels who fell topless from having to teach the world
that all things can be healed by the power of pussy popping.
If that first one is right, I hope this person never comes again.
Yeah, they should be chemically castrated.
There is no worse fandom subsection than the horny Harry Potter fandom.
Yeah.
The first one was badly written in the same way his jokes were badly written.
Look, nobody's debating that Connor is a bad writer.
There is another bad writer who sent this game in.
Do you not understand?
All right.
Hey, I am doing a Connor in the same way he needed me to get through the first round.
I now need him.
Hunter has become the hunted
motherfucker.
I am so mildly attractive that I
have attracted all of Mike's vitriol.
You guys are either
going to never speak again or kiss by the end of this
show. I was one half of social care
above him in high school and I've received all
of this ire. It's like someone
put hair on top of a pencil eraser.
To be fair, someone else wrote the game.
That doesn't mean you didn't write all of these Yelp reviews.
Well, I was on my big tour by Anthony Bourdain of strip clubs.
That's a mud shark if I've ever seen one.
He's seen all the parts unknown.
I'll never be able to unsee my face as pencil eraser pink from now on.
Because it is a very shitty shade of pinkish red.
I don't think you're an eraser.
Erasers give you something to chew on.
Three points.
I'm like one of those novelty erasers.
Fun to look at, not very effective.
I go with the second one. I'm going with of those novelty erasers. Fun to look at, not very effective. But yeah, I go with the second one.
Yeah, I'm going with the Harry Potter one.
There's no way that's real, and I hate my life.
No, the first part of it read like an outtakes from a ludicrous song,
and then they immediately go into a way too long.
No, it was written by some shitty white kid who said all those things
because they thought that's what fun black people said.
Well, also, I said that he wrote it.
But that's part B.
Point of order.
Point of order.
Shut up, nerd. I wasn't paying attention
so I assume I got slammed. That's correct, yes.
Brief point of order. It ends with
the phrase, these bitches are magical.
And then B is about angels
and the Harry Potter thing was written
by a Mean Boys fan for sure. I'm going B.
Alright, correct answer is B.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Did you write the first one?
No.
Jocelyn Sharp wrote it.
She wrote the whole thing.
She made the game.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We have like fans with you the whole time.
We tried explaining it several times.
None of this takes away from how mediocre Connor has been.
I just don't want us to lose sight of what really matters in this world.
I've been trying to explain that to you for the entire time.
This feels like this weird thing where we're having fun now,
and then you're going to leave, and he's going to start beating me.
Don't act like you've not been trying to get that to happen for a while.
Don't pretend like his hands won't just get stuck.
Nothing can move the keys.
I'll be at the spatula.
Number two of the final round. Nothing can move the keys. Opie, get the spatula. All right.
Number two of the final round.
Ten's World Class Cabaret 2, New York.
It begins, I spent $170 in 30 minutes and...
All right, does that review end?
A, had one awful three-minute dancing from a hedgehog,
or B, the buffet was cold and smelled like a fart?
Hedgehog is very specific.
Yeah.
Mudsharks, hedgehogs?
I'd rather get a lap dance from a mudshark than a hedgehog.
I still don't know if a mudshark is a real thing.
I'm going to say the hedgehog one is the real one.
Yeah, it's A.
Nobody's going to pay $170 and then complain about the buffet.
You know what you're getting into with that.
With the girl, there's hope for something,
so it's got to be A.
I just feel like this whole segment
was in her At Midnight Writers package.
You have no idea how many games
we've written for this show
and then had to be like,
ah, fuck, they already did that.
I feel like she was about to pitch this to CISO.
Fucking Guy Fieri's
strip club
extremity
we're the last
bastion of comedy
that's not good enough
for television
the jalapeno
isn't the only thing
popping
alright
lower the bar
rescue
I
great album title
I'll go with the
first one
alright
it is the first one
hooray
and finally
the last one
oh my god
I'm sorry I should have edited this more I like to be surprised too while I read along gang I'll go with the first one. All right. It is the first one. Hooray. And finally, the last one. Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
I should have edited this more.
I like to be surprised, too, while I read along, gang.
I think it adds to the radio.
Tootsie's Cabaret in Miami Gardens, Florida. I saw some insane tricks with a dollar bill.
The time after that, there was a Red Bull can trick.
And finally, my last time.
Now, does that end?
A, something with a katana blade and a lemon.
Nuff said.
I'm kind of afraid I'm going to end up getting brunch here one day.
Or B. The girl twitched her asshole to the beat of Fuck the Police and I fell in love.
I'm going to put a baby in her once she gets that Red Bull can out.
Alright, well that justified there being another round.
Yeah, that was pretty beautiful.
Now one of those is real.
One of them they made up. Oh man. I know what I hope it is. I don't. They're another round. Yeah, that was pretty beautiful. One of those is real. One of them they made up.
Oh, man.
I know what I hope it is.
I don't.
They're both great.
Yeah.
But if it is the first one,
then it shows how fucking great of a writer she is.
I would love for Mike to go in there and be like,
well, that's not a full tank katana,
so it's technically not combat ready.
This Deadpool cosplay is inadequate.
It's not fuck the police,
it's fuck the police.
Fuck you.
I will say that
the second one
is the fake one
because I'm being
an optimist.
Michael Lawrence
weighing in the first person
to be a grammar Nazi
about an NWA song title.
And also wrong,
I think.
It's T-H-A.
I'm going to say
B is real.
Keith Carey. I'm going gonna say B is real Keith Carey
I'm gonna say
A is real
it was A
she made up that
Twitch the asshole thing
well done Jocelyn
great job
you really stuck it
to my
points
alright
no I said
I believed in her
and that's why
you believed in her
that's why you
shit on the game
when you thought
I wrote it
for the first five
rounds
I was failing at it
well I just think
that this has really encouraged
fans to send in their games to
meanboyspodcast.gmail.com.
And we'll be right back after this.
Hey, everybody. It's your boy,
Mark Malloy. Sorry it's been a while since I've been
on the show. I was busy in Boston at that
fucking alt-right rally. Yeah, I was robbing
Nazis' cars while they waved their dipshit little
flags. Yeah, home of the South might
rise again, but your stereo's never coming
back. Speaking of straight-up
robbery, are you tired of having too
much money? Then donate to the Mean Boys
Patreon today. You'll get access
to exclusive bonus content,
merch, and even the chance to come on the show
and get your shit kicked in by these internet radio
poofs in person. Go to patreon.com slash meanboys and donate to the chance to come on the show and get your shit kicked in by these internet radio poofs in person.
Go to patreon.com slash meanboys
and donate to the only good podcast on the
fucking internet. Alright, I gotta go.
Richard Spencer's here leading some queer
parade through a graveyard, so I'm gonna go rub
one out on his windshield. Later, you fucking
mooks.
And the
Mean Boys podcast returns.
We close out the show, as always, with a game of Which of the Following?
That's where the theme song goes.
Mike, I don't know if you ever played before.
Basically, Pat's got a category.
He's going to give us some things within that category.
We have to figure out which one he made up.
What is the category this week?
This is near and dear to my heart.
Which of the following are not old-timey baseball player names?
Okay.
So all these guys played around 100 years ago or in the 1800s.
I'm worried because I feel like the N-word is going to be present in at least like five of these names.
The 1800s are, as we call it on this podcast, the good old days.
To clarify, none of these are nicknames.
These are their names.
Okay.
These are their actual names.
These are Christian birth certificate-ass names.
Yes.
Number one, which of the following is not the name of an old-timey Major League Baseball player?
A, Peekaboo Veach.
B.
All right.
That sounds like a geographical feature of the Teletubbies world.
That's what happens when their shitty baby son has an eclipse.
He's about to read Jeffrey Jew Hater.
Poe on Peekaboo Veatch.
Jeffrey Jew Tolerator, but not a big fan.
A, Peekaboo Veatch.
B, King Lear.
C, Yo-Yo Davalillo.
Or D, Judge Fux.
Worst kid show ever.
Did you say Judge Fux?
Yes, it's spelled F-U-C-H-S.
Yo-Yo Davalillo is like a purple dinosaur that shanks children in New Jersey.
It puts them in the Newark County landfill.
He replaced Wapadopple Doodle.
I'm going to go with C.
Was that Yo-Yo?
Yo-Yo Davalillo.
Yeah.
All right.
What was the last one?
Judge Fox.
And hit me with the first two again.
Peekaboo Veatch and King Lear.
I'm going to say King Lear.
I'm going King Lear as well.
The correct answer is D, Judge Fox.
There was actually a guy named King Lear, and to clarify,
Judge Fuchs is not a
real baseball player because he was a manager.
I didn't make that up. He was a manager.
He's a real judge.
Number two, which of the following
is not an old-timey baseball player? A,
Pussy Tebow.
B,
So regular Tebow?
I was trying to get there. Pussy Tebow.
B.
Butts Wagner.
C.
All right.
That is a name for a dog that has a million Instagram followers.
These are like the other people that were supposed to do the Pete Rose roast with you.
A legend in the business, Butts Wagner.
I have five minutes on peekaboo.
Pete Rose is the finest gook I...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's get him out of here.
Yeah, that's wrong a lot of ways.
You are the saddest son of a bitch to put on the pinstripes.
I ain't got half of mine to...
Okay.
C, Beaver King, or D, Cannonball Titcomb.
Beaver King was one of the strip clubs that I cut out.
Sure.
Pussy Tebow, Butts Wagner, Beaver King, or Cannonball Tit Comb. Beaver King was one of the strip clubs that I cut out. Sure. Pussy Tebow,
Butts Wagner, Beaver King, or
Cannonball Tit Comb.
I don't think you can make up Cannonball Tit Comb.
I don't think there's like
a random association
in your mind. You're too mechanical.
You're too good writing.
I love that they allowed these people to play
but not Eddie Blackburn.
Sorry, Jackie Robinson.
Yeah, we found all the white people with dumber names than black people.
What's great about Butts Wagner is you know he like fucking stuck his ass out to bat.
Yeah, sure, his name's Beaver King, but there's no apostrophes in it.
I'll take a Hank Aaron name's Beaver King, but there's no apostrophes in it. I'll take a
Hank Aaron over a Beaver King.
Cannonball tit comb.
Beaver King is actually what they call it in Canada.
Cannonball tit comb
sounds like what Tom Goss would call the machine
they use to check for tumors.
You got one of the mammogramma ding-a-longs?
I'm going to say
the fucking Beaver King. I'm going Bea-longs. I'm going to say the fucking Beaver King.
I'm going Beaver King as well.
I'm going to go...
I'll go Buds Wagner.
Correct answer is C, Beaver King.
Yeah.
I actually knew Buds Wagner was real.
Really?
Yeah.
I used to be like a big baseball person.
Oh, shit.
Okay.
I'm going to just get a Corgi and him and Buds Wagner and then retire on my flat tummy
T ads.
That dog is going to die here. Oh, I mean, I'm going to just get a Corgi and him and Butzel Magner and then retire on my flat tummy tea ads. That dog is going to die here.
Oh, I mean, I'll have to move out.
Number three, this is the all-alcohol edition.
I think these are all the all-alcohol edition.
I don't think any of these people was like, oh, none for me tonight.
I've got a game in the morning.
A, Bud Weiser.
B, Blue Moon Odom. C, Sam Adams. Or D, Jackweiser. Okay. B, Blue Moon Odom.
C, Sam Adams.
Or D, Jack Daniels.
E, Joe Budweiser.
And to clarify, Budweiser is spelled B-U-D space W-E-I-S-E-R.
So it's spelled exactly.
Just like Budweiser.
What was that B again?
Blue Moon Odom.
I'm going Blue Moon Odom.
Yeah, that sounds a little dark for the 1800s.
I'm going to say Blue Moon Odom as well.
Sorry, correct answer is C, Sam Adams.
Son of a bitch.
Blue Moon Odom sounded too Native American-y.
You know, like, oh, there's Blue Moon.
Yeah.
You get it.
Sorry, I threw the shitty one in the middle.
Here we go.
Picking it back up.
Number four, this is the baseball players who sound like mixtape rappers edition.
These are all old school baseball players A
Lil Stoner
B MC Black
little on the nose
C
parenthesis S can't play
I like that we needed fucking discrimination
for you to get a home run
if you had the chance
to turn back time and end racism
you wouldn't because then that joke
wouldn't work
Mike you're gonna have to just explain to my girlfriend
why I can't get hard for a month
it's like well yeah the funny the funny aunt bullied me Mike, you're going to have to just explain to my girlfriend why I can't get hard for a month.
It's like, well, yeah, the funny ant bullied me on the podcast.
Hey, you're still able to make it through this soft.
Just call him a funny ant.
Yeah.
It's pretty good.
He's got ant-like energy to him.
C, Burley Grimes or D, Urban Shocker.
Burley Grimes sounds like a really lazily named comic book mugger.
Cheez it, it's the bat.
Burley Grimes sounds like a description a woman gives to a sketch artist as they're drawing Keith.
Burley Grimes is what it smells like in here right now.
Burley Grimes is like a food truck.
We made this apartment into a sock.
This is a shitty house, not a shitty apartment.
Thank you very much.
It's a shitty home.
Look at the needle point.
Until we get evicted in a week and a half.
I'm going to say...
I almost said DJ Black.
MC Black.
Run them through one more time real quick.
Lil Stoner, MC Black, Burley Grimes Urban Shocker
I'm going Lil Stoner
I'm gonna go
Urban Shocker
Which is a role that
Bokeem Woodbine played in the new Spider-Man movie
Hey we can just call him regular Shocker
Right? Nah he's Urban Shocker
How else are they gonna know? I mean I'm Shocker, right? Nah, he's Urban Shocker. How else are they going to know?
I mean, I'm Shocker, people.
I feel like that would give it away.
No, that's Static Shocker.
He's the Urban Shocker.
Correct answer is B, MC Black.
Lil Stoner, very much a real person.
Urban Shocker, a borderline Hall of Famer.
Had a good career with the Yankees.
And Burley Grimes, I have a friend who's a comedian from back in Philly
who also had a brief rap career, and he went by the name Burley Grimes, I have a friend who's a comedian from back in Philly who also had a brief rap career, and he went by the name Burley Grimes after the baseball player.
Burley Grimes sounds like what Gaston from Beauty and the Beast would be named if he lived in New Jersey.
And the final one, number five, all real or all fake?
Mike, you have to tell whether these are all real or all fake.
Okay.
A, Johnny Dickshot. Mike, you have to tell whether these are all real or all fake. Okay. A. Johnny
Dickshot. B.
Jack Glasscock. C.
Twink Twining.
And D. Dick Ricketts.
Very cruel to put
my grandfather in the running.
Dick
Ricketts.
Is that a Smothers Brothers character?
I'm gonna say all real. Yeah, I gotta figure these are all real they're all real yeah they're all real that's why baseball is the best fucking
sport on earth i'll fight anybody because it's boring enough that you can remember everybody's
shitty name yeah i mean all the all the hours of waiting are worth it when you get to giggle
at someone with an unfortunate yeah those are actually the names of all the tracks on that Jack White album.
I just went to baseball reference and kept typing in
cock, dick, butthole.
Give me a hint.
I just love the idea that you're like,
there's a Dave butthole?
I was so bummed.
You wrote this game while sitting on Bill Simmons' lap?
Oh my god. Well, Pat, thank you for
writing that. This is Switch to the Fallen. We'll be right back
with mailbag and plugs and
getting the fuck out of here.
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-mean!
Mean!
Hi! This is coming
to you live from a tid place
making a-gosta
like pasta, but with my name.
Where I give you information on how you go and win the war against food with your mouth.
The big heads only gave me a couple of minutes to make this video, so let's get it started.
Alright, so today we're going to make a buttered bagel.
Now a bagel is a small version of one of those ocean
floaties that people throw at people that don't swim good, but it's made of bread. Warning, do not
eat the ocean floatie. They taste like used condoms. A lot of people come in the ocean. How do I know
what used condoms taste like? Don't question me. I don't have any kids, so obviously I'm not doing it wrong.
If you're not sure if you have a bagel or a floaty, throw it in the ocean.
If it disappears, it's a bagel and you can eat it.
First, you retrieve the bagel.
They usually are imprisoned in a plastic, which is like glass but more movable and easier to eat.
They also fly better.
Take it out and get the stab device of your choice
most people go knife but a sword battle axe prison shiv or sharpened spoon will work in a pinch
pretty much anything but a chainsaw and if you got a chainsaw but no knife you are in equipped
to defeat your bagel but go ahead and go to my my other video on tree fighting 101 take your
knife and attack the bagel if you do it right there will be two halves of the
bagel don't stab your bagel too much that's your teeth job oh if you defeat
your bagel too much it's gonna get everywhere you'll probably lose pieces
you just want to make the one thing and then turn it into two things. I think some
philosopher came up with that idea, like Aristotle or Osama Bin Laden. I think, I don't know, it was
some Greek guy. Once you split your bagel, you're going to toast it in a toaster, which is an oven
for little people. Open the little people oven and turn the knob or push down on the lever.
I don't know what kind you have. I stopped
spying on you a while ago. Now you're going to wait for it to cook. Find something else to do
with this time. I like to go and count sheep. I have a hard time going to sleep at night, so I do
it during the day so by night I have enough of them collected to get some rest. Don't fall asleep
while cooking the bagel. That's how the bagel wins. how the bagel wins When the bagel is ready
Your midget oven will either ding or fire the bagel out into the air
Even if it fires in the air, don't worry, it can't escape
It's in too much pain
Now you're going to get your butter
Take your stab tool and scoop up the butter
Then spread it on the bagel
You want it everywhere, like a pap smear
I don't really know what a pap smear is,
but I think it's some sort of fancy Jewish hummus.
The point is spread it a bunch.
Do as much as you'd like.
It's your butter.
You already stole it, and heart disease is a conspiracy,
so eat up.
You might notice the butter's starting to disappear.
It's okay.
You still have control of the butter.
It's hiding inside of the bagel now
just keep your eye on it
so you know no one is stealing from you
once most of the butter is hidden
you're ready for a nutritious meal
and go on and stomp the shit out of it
with your jaw
I'm proud of you
I bet it tastes delicious
if it's too sweet
that's probably because it's a donut
I still don't know how to differentiate between bagels and donuts,
but either way, you'll give your organs happiness.
Okay, I gotta go.
The humming in my head went up, and I don't want to float on the internet.
Bon appetit.
That's Guy Fieri for Eat Your Fucking Food, dipshit.
I loved it. All of it was awesome why are you crying shut up all right the mean boys podcast
is back i'm gonna leave in that non-sequitur all of it was honest so uh we're here with the
mean boys mailbag uh looking into some of the uh the voicemails we've been left this week uh let's
take a peek hey y'all just giving you my shout-out. Saying I love you. You guys are so funny.
You guys should tour in
Boston soon. That would be amazeballs.
And keep up
the amazing work. I love you. Goodbye.
Classic Boston accent.
Howdy, y'all.
I'm from Beantown.
The subtext of every voicemail we get asking
them to tour in their area is,
so I can dismember you and your shit and then feed you to my kids.
Yeah, they're either like, I'm going to hurt you, I'm going to fuck you,
or I'm going to hurt and fuck Connor.
Those are the only voicemails.
Yes, I do like them apples.
Well, the people that don't allude to dismembering and raping me,
they say it with context clues.
Yeah, that man from Boston sounded like that weird midget lady from Poltergeist.
He seems like he's probably really nice guy.
Her name was Zelda Rubinstein.
I know what her name was.
I didn't want to alienate the audience.
He cuts the eyes out of pretty ladies
in a magazine and makes a collage.
This is my mask
for when I meet them mean boys.
One more than the sad one.
That was not the sad one.
I'm good.
I'm Texas.
I've listened to your entire backlog now,
and I'm kind of doubting my own existence.
Anyway, love, Tom.
Love, Keith.
Go fuck yourself, Connor.
Mike, you left a voicemail?
Now, this one one not that interesting
But I think he subscribes on Patreon
So we gotta play it so he feels like he's getting his money's worth
And finally
We got a really long voicemail
That turned out to be very real
He's like I can either support Planned Parenthood
Or give money to the mean boys
I made the choice I made
I'm not saying I made the right one
Nobody who listens to this show has ever gotten anyone
pregnant.
You just come just wasps and frowns.
Give to the autistic cunt liberties
union.
Where some of our fans want to come on this frowning wasp.
I really do feel like this is
the podcast the lost boys have
when Peter Pan isn't around.
Well, thanks for writing our Facebook
page header.
It just ends with you eating pretend food.
And finally, one of our fans,
well, this is a little
sticky to get into, but he's going to jail
for six years.
He left us a voicemail as his last act of
freedom. It was pretty rough,
and we really appreciated it.
It was very kind.
He said a lot of kind words about the show
and how he really enjoyed listening to us
while the sentencing was going on.
So we're going to look into sending him cassettes
of the new episodes.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did you find out what he was convicted for?
Here's the thing.
We're trying to figure that out now.
That helps before you support him.
Yeah.
This is kind of what we were talking about before.
Look, I just think it would be funny to send cassettes to jail, all right?
I think that's great, too.
But if we find out he did something real bad, it's going to be awkward.
I'm going all in supporting this guy right now.
I don't care what he did.
Stay strong.
Keep your head up.
I'm just hoping that it gives us his five cents a day.
All he has is
fucking Mean Boys
cassettes and
Jack White vinyl.
He's going to escape
prison and the
tunneled out
hole in the wall
has a Tom Goss
hope picture over it.
There's a lot of
gangs in prison.
This guy's going to
be in the bronies,
I feel like,
for sure.
He's not getting the Iron Brotherhood.
He's not getting the black ones.
So we'll play a few seconds
of him. Keep doing it, you know.
Until something better comes along.
Thank you, Connor.
Thank you, Keith.
Thank you. Even you, Tiny Tom.
Fuck everything.
God is dead.
That was the last thing he did
before he went to prison.
Well, yeah,
because he finished
his shirtless push-ups.
I feel like one hand
just has mean
and the other has boys
tattooed on it.
Would not be our first
Mean Boys tattoo, actually.
Somebody got a tattoo
for the stupid show.
I feel like that was the advice
he followed on his own
crime spree.
Like, just do it
until something better comes along. Hey, man, well, you're in our thoughts. I feel like that was the advice he followed on his own crime spree. Like, just do it until something better comes along.
Hey, man, well,
you're on our thoughts.
I hope you didn't do anything that bad.
I hope it was just, like,
embezzling and not, like, you know.
Fuck everything.
God is dead.
And 16-year-olds
should be considered adults.
Fuck everything.
She was asking for it.
Fuck everything. God is asking for it. Fuck everything.
God is dead.
Twitter questions.
Some flowers should not be touched in the garden that is life.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe we didn't handle that sensitive message from a fan with more aplomb.
I really thought we would have tap danced through that moral conundrum.
I don't know why you thought we were going to handle that well.
Me neither.
We got some questions from Twitter.
In honor of Pat, new father, Luis A. Galvez asked, what is your least favorite baby name?
Santa.
I'm going Santa Baby.
Now, what if there was a fun baseball name-based game that you could pick as a callback and have a joke that works?
Yeah, I should have named my kid Pussy Tebow.
Pussy Tebow Barker.
At Punting Tragic on Twitter asks,
Is Mike Lawrence still receiving death threats from Ralphie May over destroying him on Roast Battle Season 1?
Have you guys talked at all since then?
No, we haven't.
I tried saying hi to him at the store
a couple months ago
and he didn't acknowledge it.
It was the big and tall store.
It wasn't really a store
so much as an Arby's.
I was the tall.
And wet for some reason.
Just vaguely wet.
And damp.
No, I would love to talk to him about it.
But we've got him here tonight.
No, he wouldn't fit in here.
Have you forgiven him for spraying you with Febreze on national television?
For anybody who's listening who doesn't know what we're talking about,
go back and watch season one of Roast Battle.
Mike Lawrence, first of all, won the whole thing.
Second of all, beat Ralphie Mays ass to death on live television.
Like, he should be going to prison for six years.
He's the fattest man to ever get crucified.
It's impressive.
Well, I said this joke about his divorce, and then he said, fuck everything, God is dead.
Do we have any other ones? and then he said, fuck everything, God is dead. Someone asked me on Facebook
and I thought this question was pretty loaded and racist.
The question was just, how would you fix Africa?
What?
I'm like, I don't know what you're getting at.
First you have to get Toto's permission
since they wrote it originally.
Alright, you bring that bass track up.
Let it ride.
Can we get some reverb on that?
I don't know.
I mean, whatever's going on in Africa isn't really affecting me any, so I think it's fine.
I think it's working great.
Look, I'm not...
Has Africa considered Patreon as an option?
You could do bonus aids every week?
Dave Chappelle tried his best.
Can we get like a Nelson Mandela remix or something like that?
Can we get a new guy?
Yeah, it's Morgan Freeman.
It's hard to have sympathy when they have better housing than me.
Not to sound racist, but we need more Chads and less Jordans.
That's a good African country joke.
I mean, we're all very worried.
I'm a huge fan of crying Chad memes.
I'm confused that there's not more white guys in Chad.
It seems like there'd be more if there's not a lot.
Now you're thinking of Brad.
I remember when Chappelle left after the show to go to Africa.
All anyone knew was just Africa, nothing more specific.
Just, Dave Chappelle went to Africa.
Yeah, that's a continent.
He could still be at a Hilton.
He'd assume he's
at the opening of the Lion King, but he could also
just be like hanging out in a mall somewhere.
I went to America. I was in the Yukon.
Completely correct.
We had one more on the Twitter. It was,
what is your favorite kind of pasta?
I don't know why anyone would possibly care. I've never
eaten pasta in my adult life, so I have no problem.
That is the strangest. Why would anyone
possibly care?
Leave my home.
Go out to that open window and never return.
The man who spent the entire show chastising
my writing skills.
I mean, not for nothing, but possibly actually worked.
Because he got a reaction and not just like dead eyes
and all realizing, oh, now we got to carry the show for 45 more seconds.
Hey, do your worst at the end and not through the whole thing.
Yeah, finish weak.
That's great comedy advice.
I'm sorry, babe.
I'm still thinking about that mic thing.
Can you put on some music?
I got to.
I'll get there.
I go with Ravioli's perfect pasta.
You could put anything you wanted in.
It's fucking amazing.
Yeah.
Spaghetti.
Classic.
I'll fuck with a fettuccine Alfredo.
That's my go-to.
Fettuccine is the pasta.
Yeah, it's hard for me to come up with a wacky, fun answer.
All of his answers are covered in sauce.
Oh, yeah.
Fuck me.
I'm a dumb fatty because I thought there should be sauce on the pasta.
What a fool.
What an absolute fool.
We got a real hackaroni over here, Gabe.
Have you judged pastably?
You're both terrible.
When you go low, I go subterranean.
And I could be a Kong over here.
And sit next to the Mole King.
Hey, those aren't moles.
They're just loose chocolate.
Hasn't been wiped.
God damn it.
That's the show this week.
Now, Keith, you fart and prove that the little giants deserve to win this game.
I've been farting this whole time.
I know.
I really haven't.
You're going to die like Weird Al's parents because of Keith's steady brontosaurus farts.
He just farts all day, slightly.
They didn't check the monoxide levels and dared to be stupid.
I didn't know I could laugh so hard that something I forgot happened.
Oh, my God.
Weird Al.
Even though you're white and nerdy, you're pretty funny, Mike.
His greatest hits is the first album I ever owned.
I feel bad about that joke. That was what got me into comedy was the Jurassic Park cover.
I forget the name of it.
That's the show this week.
I've never seen Pat have less of an opinion about anything.
It is just Jurassic Park, and it's a MacArthur Park parody.
Everybody's doing weird Al puns
and I'm just trying to run through his discography
and all I can remember is Amish Paradise
and I'm like, where's parents? Amish? Fuck.
Come up with something quick.
It's like, oh, Smitty's Slapper Wife.
That's another one.
Chuckles Kick Fuck.
Arthur T. N-Word.
Jeremy, hey look, there's a staircase.
Fucking Roger, separate drinking fountains.
Joe Polio.
I like how Mike, before we got into the voicemails, was like,
is the show over?
We've been here for a while.
And he just keeps the right guy's old-timey baseball plate.
I'm closing down this Cheesecake Factory, fuckface.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Pat, what do you got to plug?
Out of Their League podcast.
Listen to it on iTunes.
It's really good.
Yeah, if you like the Smitty kick fuck, you know, combo.
Yeah, social media, where can they find you?
At Pat Barker Comedy.
The show, I really love the premise of the show.
You compare people, athletes off the league, you know, explo in there, on-field exploits.
So O.J., was he better at murdering or murdering?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you get it.
Pretty good at both.
I'm so dehydrated.
Mike?
At the Mike Lawrence on Twitter, Mike Lawrence Comedy on Instagram.
Mikelawrencecomedy.com is my website.
And yeah, All Things Comedy Network, Rough Hang Podcast, our first episode premiered today.
We'll have more.
Leave a review on iTunes.
Yeah.
Similarly, a negative show that just seeks to detract on society at large.
And I think our listeners will really enjoy it.
So go check that out.
Yeah.
Great.
Mean Boys Beyond Torn, NorCal.
The Day of the Strops will be in Mill Valley at the Throckmorton Theater.
The day after, Rockland Comedy Theater.
Not Rockland.
It's actually called the fucking Black Spot, Blacktop Comedy Theater in Rockland.
I fucked that up, so I've been plugging it wrong on a couple shows.
That Friday, Arcata Playhouse in Arcata.
Saturday, Comedy Lanes at some fucking bowling alley in Ukiah.
And then the Pizza Factory in San Jose that Sunday.
Only the finest venues for the Mean Boys.
Yeah.
We've got a live show at Hard Bells and Long Beats September 19th.
Fuck everything.
God is dead. Bye.