Mean Boys - EP 76 - Plantain Debacle (feat. Kyle Kinane)

Episode Date: August 29, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Jay Leno's House", “Tom Tompardy”, "Twisted Nerve Productions", "The Circus" and a game of "Which of the Following" with things Alex Jones believes by@DeathToTheFilth. Get our T-Shirt of the month on Teespring: teespring.com/stores/the-mean-boys Come see The Good, The Rad, and The Mean crossover podcast live at Nerdmelt 9/8 at 9pm: http://holdmyticket.com/event/290147 Come to the live Mean Boys 9/19 at Harvelle's in Long Beach: http://longbeach.harvelles.com/event.cfm?cart&id=265462 Buy the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounge Chair here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073Y4V36F Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Listen to Kyle's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-boogie-monster/id1139926236?mt=2 Follow our guest Kyle Kinane on Twitter: twitter.com/kylekinane Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Keith and Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up guys? This is definitely the first take of the intro, and in no way do we do a five-minute awesome intro that I did not record. Yeah, and then a second one that we did bad. So in no way this is this take three. Don't even worry about that. You know what you should worry about? This is fucking the Kyle Kinane episode, dude. Yep, that means we tricked Kyle Kinane into coming into our home, and we bombed in front of him for an hour. We bombed in front of him for an hour. We only bombed in front of him for like 40 minutes. There's 20 minutes of real solid us

and then a good 40 of just great Kyle not liking it. No, Kyle was fucking awesome. Incredibly nice. Super great of him to come over. It's always fun to watch Mildly Relevant. Not even Mildly Relevant. He's like legitimately relevant. Oh, yeah. People interact with Tom Goss. So stick around for a very confounding round of Tom Tomperty.

That's a great joy of mine, is introducing him to people. Yeah, make sure you check out Kyle's podcast. What's it called? It's called The Boogie Monster. It's on iTunes. They have a Patreon as well. So if you've given us all the money you could possibly give and then suddenly you fall into $4 a week extra, you just go over a month.

Go give Kyle your money, whatever. Yeah, you get it. Speaking of giving people your money, we are sponsored, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. We sure are. Go to eataburrito.com for more information. Guys, they do catering. They have vegetarian options. I'm pretty sure you can buy a gun if you wink at the guy at the counter.

It's a fantastic burrito place. Go to eatagun.org. That directs to Keith's headshot. But if you want some Mexican food, eataburrito.com. We are also sponsored by the Comfort Ninja. I'm sorry? Also sponsored? That's right, motherfuckerican food eat a burrito.com we are also sponsored by the comfort ninja inflate oh i'm sorry also sponsored that's right motherfucker we got a legitimate sponsor wait is this some kind of bouquet in a box two week ordeal uh no this is a uh slightly more legitimate several week deal shut up wait is this some kind of amazon link that we're going to be shut down for it sure is this is the comfort ninja inflatable lounger baby this is uh inflatable

furniture that doubles as a pool toy you can put this anywhere you would put outside furniture, but it folds up easy. And best of all... You know, that sounds cool, but how do I inflate this thing? Do I have to use a pump? Do I have to blow the air into it until I'm ready to face? Oh, there's no need for an external pump, you stupid bitch. What? In fact, there's no blowing up at all.

You scoop air into this motherfucker. No blowing. No weird red in the cheeks. Whoa. Yeah. You're telling me that there's no blowing up, but I feel like this product's about to blow up. Oh, it sure the fuck is when it gets that mean boys bump.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, if I want to get one of these, what do I do? If you want to get one of these, you go to Amazon.com slash whatever the link is. It's in the show notes. Oh, good. If I also wanted them, could I just host a podcast for a year and a half and then get a Facebook message from a guy?

Probably. Probably. Use promo code ninja to get 20 off your comfort ninja inflatable lounger and lounge like a ninja that's not their slogan but i decided you know ninjas always lounging yeah well i mean they don't have time to fucking you know to blow they're too busy blowing in their little bamboo tubes full of metal shavings to blind their opponents i wish the audience could feel the pain of us trying to cut a professional-sounding promo. That was hella professional.

That was pretty good. And all joking aside, these things really are fucking super cool. Yeah, we're getting some in the studio, and I am very excited to put them on the roof and just get into shenanigans. And frankly, if you're listening to this podcast, you don't deserve a real couch, so get one of these. No, as soon as you get one. You deserve better than a real couch. It comes and raids your home for whatever contraband you're hiding. You go ahead and you pack that up in your fucking, you know your little hobo bindle and then you hitchhike to safety yeah and it comes in five great colors for you to awkwardly come on this is gonna be great oh god

i'm gonna i'm gonna fuck on one of these if there's god we are all we are gonna fuck a hole through i'm gonna scoop more than air into this thing i'll tell you that we're all gonna fuck on the same one and then we're selling it on ebay yeah we'll sign it all right new challenge come on a picture of come on a picture of tom on a picture of a ninja lounger no on a real ninja lounger this is a real hole in the bottom of the sea thing we've done here i'm sure glad we have a lot of new listeners for our big guests and they're being exposed to this high quality introduction uh please leave us a review on itunes if you haven't already that's a very easy free way to support the show uh we're at

88 right now and from what i understand when we get to 100, that's when... We're either famous or we get a free meatball sub or something. I think I get really into MMA. I don't know how podcasting works. We've got some live shows coming up as well. September 19th at Harvell's in Long Beach is a live Mean Boys podcast. Also, check this shit out. What if I want something a little spicier?

September 8th, Nerd Melt Theater. That's like the ninja lounger of venues. Sure is. The podcast crossover event of the century. Mean Boys, The Goods from the Woods, and This is Rad. We're all teaming up. We're doing a show called The Good, The Rad, and The Mean. We're raising money for the Southern Poverty Law Center because fuck Nazis.

And we're going to find out if our cumulative 7,500 fans all have 30 of them that have $20 and live in Los Angeles. Pick up your tickets for that now. The link is in the show notes as well. We are looking forward to seeing you guys there. We're going to do some dumb ass shit at this show. It's going to be a big stupid celebration

of friendship. This is going to be like, you know what? I paid fucking $15. I got to see all those bands before they were big. It's going to be like that except for with sad comedians killing themselves. You're like, you know what? I saw Kyle and Keith and Tom before the plane crash. Yeah, so that's going to be pretty cool.

So other than that, please enjoy this week's episode of Mean Boys with Kyle Kinane. Seriously. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. It's a long way to the top if you want to sell your soul. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm here to tell us that Workaholics is up next. That hurts my heart. Oh, that consistent payday really makes me sad.

Oh, that job that I do in my underwear. Why do you remind me I have the best gig in show business? We are joined in studio, shockingly, by Kyle Kinane. Thank you for coming in, man. Yeah, man. Thanks for having me. Weird story. This morning I did a show at a brunch that was like a fundraiser For AA people

And literally half the room looked like radioactive Danny Trejo And the other half were just dudes That looked like Kyle Soon enough I have a joke in my act Where I talk about being like a niche like sexual object And there was like a beat of silence after the laugh And then a guy who looked identical to you

Stands up and just goes Yeah go to prison fool So I started off my morning being sexually assaulted By your doppelganger after the laugh, and then a guy who looked identical to you stands up and just goes, yeah, go to prison, fool! So I started off my morning being sexually assaulted by your doppelganger, so this is a weird experience. Who's booking your shows? No one great. Friend of the show, Anna Valenzuela. What's the upward movement

from the Brunch AA program? This podcast. I needed to do something to make this seem more legitimate. It's about what the gig leads to in this town. Yeah, what does it lead to? Oh, depression. Tight. And we are joined again, as always, by his bad-bet-fucking-Tom-has-sounds.

I'm here. That was unsettling. Just an air of menace. Yeah, this bought me a good three more months of borrowing money from my parents because you're one of the few comedians my mom follows. So I think I really have to thank you for that. Oh, man, you're doing a great job out there. Kids are doing great.

Oh, what an upstanding establishment you're in here. I love looking at that shelf full of dishes just flexing. Under the weight of four Target plates and a few Tupperwares. Yeah, we were playing a real dangerous game of Jenga in our kitchen. As we've said in the house, you know your living situation is bad when you say to your roommate, hey, have you seen the mug? We have a communal cup. I mean, I don't want to say this looks like the part of Training Day

where you know Ethan Hawke's character is going to get shot by the gang members. Basically, the one gentrified house in this neighborhood. A little more decoration up. We have a bunch of creepy pictures of ourselves in here. Yeah, we've been paying our rent by renting this out for first 48 dramatization shoots.

Just the four of us around the table. Have you had your shit pushed in yet? The guy from the AA show peeks in the window. What's up, fucker? That's what I was talking about. I was trying to tell you. Keith, that is you taking a shit, man. You're pushing in your shit, man.

I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke-off? Ay, so topical. All right, I'll take us away this week. Law enforcement authorities are claiming that ISIS is taking credit for an attack in Barcelona that they had nothing to do with. Interpol has condemned the radical extremist group as the DJ Khaled of terrorism. I forget what he does. I know he DJs, but...

I've only seen him in an American Express commercial. You know what? This is my fault for not knowing my audience. DJ Khaled is a weird deal because he's just this big fat guy, and I can't tell if we're laughing with him or at him. He just says his name a bunch over a beat, right? Well, I thought that he produced the beats, and then he got rappers to come make the songs for his album.

He's like a Puffy type dude, right? Yeah, but he doesn't even produce the beats. He just kind of lends his name to the whole deal. I wouldn't call him Puffy. He's a little overweight, but it just feels even produce the beats. He just kind of lends his name to the whole deal. I wouldn't call him Puffy. He's a little overweight, but, you know, it just feels rude. All right. Wow, does that count towards the one of the five? I wish, because these ones aren't better.

All right. A drone was caught transporting 13 pounds of meth. Authorities knew the drone was full of meth because it was using stolen VCRs to build another shittier drone. Tweakers build shit. All right. Glad we brought our A game for this one. I don't have... I didn't do the homework.

Oh, you didn't? But I could tell jokes. That's a joke that I'm happy about. Okay. I bet when Mexico turned 15, that party was bananas. Sorry, platanos. I'm proud of that joke.

It was an old joke, and then I added the platanos part the other day, which makes it a new joke. How was it a joke before? The party was bananas? It's a Quinceanera joke. Oh, I know. Tom, do a thing. Platanos is Spanish for bananas.

Of all the people I would have thought would have been teaching me Spanish. I thought platanos were like those fat bananas that taste like a potato. Tom, how fucking close do you want this joke to be, man? It's a one-liner joke. I know. What is happening? And those are plantains. You're right.

That is a plantain. I know I'm right.? Those are plantains. You're right. That is a plantain. I know. I know I'm right. This is a world record. I think this is the fastest somebody has ever gotten really mad at Tom. Usually it takes a good 20 minutes. And who am I? I didn't even do the homework. Yeah, neither did we. An article revealing that restaurant chains such as Applebee's, Sizzlers, and TGI Fridays are starting to go out of business because millennials don't think they're cool.

Making middle-aged Midwesterners the new hipsters? It's a bad joke. Plot to nose. I ate at Margaritaville yesterday. Dude, I ate at Margaritaville last week, and it fucking ruled. All right, I'm not going to go that far. I don't mind the Jimmy Buffett aesthetic. No, it's not bad.

It's a calming scenario. It's like, what if Hawaii was 65 degrees? That's fucking beautiful. What if Hawaii retired? Dude, I'm from Long Beach and I was at a Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville at City Walk and a sublime song came. Yeah, I was just like, oh, I'm home. Yeah, I was thinking about the earlier

this week. I'm like, why do I keep lying? I'm like, I'm home yeah i was thinking about the earlier this way i'm like why do i keep lying i'm like i'm not cool yeah stop it just be yourself yeah it's just douchebag valhalla it was amazing oh it's so great everyone thinks they're better than chain restaurants until you've been on the freeway for four hours in the midwest and then you're like yeah it's the reliability oh yeah and then you're like thank fucking applebees you know well i mean this table people was not allowed to judge chain restaurants we literally recorded this podcast from a Denny's once. Well, I've done that on the road, too. Like, no, I want to get the flavor of this area. Let me get some mom and pop stuff.

And I'm just using a dirty plastic spoon to scoop something out of a crock pot on a card table in an abandoned office space. No, I want fucking chilies right now. I want chilies. I want a jalapeno popper, goddamn it. You know where I had a great steak? At goddamn Outback in Memphis, Tennessee. Yeah, as it turns out, the flavor of Bakersfield is just a goddamn dance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I walked into an Outback and I treated myself. It was delicious. All right. In an attempt to redeem myself, the Trump administration has released its new standards for the presidential physical fitness test. Now, in order to pass, all you have to do is say the N-word in a golf cart. It's tough. I think if you do a gay slur, you get the bronze level. Literally, finally, I can pass the presidential physical fitness test.

And then I don't fit in the golf cart. If you want a career in comedy, you can't. Six-flag steam parks have announced they will no longer fly the Confederate flag. In addition, they have replaced all slave labor on company property with Eli Whitney's new cotton candy gin. Wait, they were flying this Confederate flag? They were in Arlington. To be fair, if you asked me to name six flags, I'd run out pretty quick. I don't know, that one we're not allowed to talk about.

Yeah, the one place that literally nobody would protest a Confederate flag. I just like the idea of being on a roller coaster. I don't know how many woke individuals are still like, I need to be on Splash Mountain. You've never been to Six Flags over Portland?

Is it my turn? I was just laughing at the idea of a Portland theme park, and I was like, anything that I could say has been done by Portlandia. All right. Okay. Now the idea is funny. Yeah. What do you got?

You're so defensive after the plantain debacle. I wasn't attacking it. I was just kidding. That's all right. I know how it works. I would like the idea of a guy who goes to Universal Studios and you know how all the rides something goes wrong and that's why you're on

Jurassic Park this wasn't supposed to happen and then that's when the dinosaurs come get you I want a guy to just write Yelp reviews like he's really disappointed that all the rides broke I'm just going to enjoy Jurassic Park and see how they have contained these dinosaurs,

and then the ride broke, and the dinosaurs chased us through the rest of the ride. That was very upsetting. Yeah, if you don't know how to keep raptors contained, maybe you shouldn't run a river ride. I can't believe they're still open today. Yeah. I just like the idea of a guy misinterpreting

the concept of a theme park. I went back later. Happened again. Unbelievable. Every time this ride breaks, then my life is threatened. And I can't believe I bought a season pass if you guys aren't going to fix the ride. Now, I'm not an OSHA inspector, but giant boulders blocking the exits, that seems like

something you should have had a little foresight for at Disneyland. I mean, I don't even know what department to call for something like this. Animal Control can't handle T-Rex. The Indiana Jones ride. There's boulders. That's Disneyland. But every theme park has a problem with the rides breaking down. Things going awry.

I thought I was going out of... This was supposed to be a well-curated tour of Hoth, and then I find myself running from AT-ATs. Well, I might explain this to my kid that this is our summer vacation and everything went wrong. How did a Yeti even get to Anaheim?

Yeah. They know he's in there. The staff is operating the ride with knowledge that there are two Yetis on the Matterhorn. I thought the Yetis were planning a march in Anaheim. A poster in England was put up saying have you lost your teeth with a pair of

old dentures taped to it? Authorities are still trying to figure out if it's an act of goodwill, comedy, or British dental insurance. Whew. Yeah. There you go. There's no sadder thing than having to watch you play that on yourself.

I think there needed to be a few more notes out of that trumpet. That's the comedy equivalent of committing seppuku. Like, fall on your sword, you hack. Why do you have to play the song yourself on a trumpet? This isn't going to be much better. A trio of drag queens fought off a street thug attacking a man outside of an Australian nightclub. The three heroes said to police afterwards, now his face is also beat for the gods.

That is a solid drag reference. That's a pretty good drag. If you watch Drag Race, that's funny. I feel like you had to Google drag terminology. Oh, yeah you went deep cuts on that one all right uh indie band bell and sebastian were late to a show after accidentally abandoning their drummer at a walmart remarked a sad barista in her mid-20s quote thank god without that band i don't know what i'd get fingered to all right you know what i'm doing my best to. Alright, you know what? I'm doing my best to every play. They can't all be

Universal Studios is hard. I told you, I came in unprepared. And they're still beating all of us. Yeah, yeah. I got nothing else. I'm just going through my notes. Do you have any tweets? Your tweets will work. You're also welcome to pass

if you want. My tweets were just real mean this week. I was just upset with the world. You got real mad about Steve Bannon jokes. I'll look at them. Yeah, because they fucking sucked. As I'm quietly deleting all mine. Yeah, that was terrible. How many fucking comedians are on there and they're just like, oh, give me those retweets.

Because people love to just lift up mediocre comedy in the time of virtue. Hey, man, we've got to fight their memes with our memes. Here's what I wrote. I wrote this one. Dick Gregory and Jerry Lewis, who's next? Another human being who has survived to the end of their species life expectancy? Oh, my God, what a tragedy. That 84-year-old man died.

Yeah, someone fulfilled their obligation to existence. Oh my god, what a tragedy. That 84-year-old man died. Someone fulfilled their obligation to existence. Yeah, he didn't get to live that hot 85-year-old action. They should have had the Laugh Factory Marquis say R.I.P. Dick Gregory, make God woke. I hope if I ever die within this cut, I never wind up

on that Laugh Factory Marquis. Well, I think you just got your wish, Kyle. Because Jamie Masada just comes around the corner. Oh, he's producing this? Buddy, it's tradition. Yeah, it's not that funny, but real proud of itself. Of course he is. I'll never forget the first things he said to me,

which was, Buddy, you can't stand here. It was a big moment in my career. I like the complete lack of laughs I got at a comedy store. I'm like, oh god, what happens when the rapture comes and my name's not written on the outside of this building? It's like, oh, you don't. Oh, you besmirched that wall.

Now I understand why Kyle is willing to come to the shittiest part of the show. I burnt a lot of bridges, guys. That's one of the few ones open. This is going to end with Kyle banned from Mean Boys. Goddamn, I can't even get back in. Why can't you write your own name on the outside of the comedy store? I mean, you probably can.

I'm really amazed that no one has graffitied that place. Nobody just walked out, look here, me too. They just write me. I can't wait for Banksy to just Larry the Cable Guy. Yeah, all the bad boy comics there that get upset when you finally shit on the one church they respect. Get over yourselves. Yeah. All right, you ready?

Yeah, Taylor Swift won her case against the man who groped her bare ass before a show in Denver, receiving a symbolic $1 for her case. People all around the world wish to applaud her, but are too afraid to give her a hand. Oh my god, Tom. Can you go back to having bad opinions about vegetables? Tom, I love you to death. You're at your best when you're

incorrect about vegetation. That was not great. I mean, that's what was the point, right? A good chunk of this show. They don't have me on this show to be good, all right? I'm just here to ruin everything a little bit, and then we get back on the rails. A good chunk of this first segment is just beating each other up for not being as funny as we thought we were.

Yes. Yeah, I also like when Tom gets defensive. He starts doing gypsy, I'm casting a spell fingers. Like you're trying to catch some better ideas out of the ether. Fuck, plantain okay uh 20 tons of nutella have been stolen from a truck in germany this week authorities are telling the german people to be on the lookout for people trying to pass counterfeit poop on their chests wait what they're using the nutella instead of poop because they poop on people okay

oh guys researchers say they are never gonna know it's going to be a better German porn joke or Japanese porn joke. If only someone would have stole a truck full of calamari, we might have been in business. Unfortunately, we got that pooped in. Now we're cooking. Researchers say they are narrowing in on a cure for peanut allergies. The cure is said to be a combination of an organic probiotic and killing all the white people. White people are allergic to peanuts. All right, Kyle, do a tweet.

You know, I feel like we spent too much time cleaning the table and not enough time being alleged professional comedians. Hey, man, that's not how it goes. I just wrote down Pimentos can only exist Inside other things It's not a joke That's what I write down I don't know what a pimento is

You don't know what a pimento is? It's the thing that's inside an olive I'm going to be honest, I don't know what a pimento is either Is there an olive with a red thing inside of the olive? I don't think I've ever eaten an olive Alright This is not a table full of people who eat vegetables With a red thing inside of the olive? I don't think I've ever eaten an olive. All right. This is not a table full of people who eat vegetables. This is a table full...

It's not a vegetable. It's a garnish of a garnish. It's literally a thing that goes inside an olive that goes in a drink. It's fucking vegetable adjacent. Exactly. But what kind of vegetable? What? I don't even know what a pimento is.

Exactly. Yeah. And they only exist inside... They're a fascinating item. I don't write down jokes. Sometimes it is. Exactly. Yeah. And they only exist inside. They're a fascinating item. I don't write down jokes. Sometimes it's just stuff I need to learn more about. This is like an easily Google-able problem. It's not the Higgs boson.

It's something that goes in a martini. Well, I don't know what that is, so now we're even. All right, Tom, fail. Thank you. Oh, I got another bad Spanish joke. The solar eclipse of the century is happening Monday. If you have to miss it and want to still see an eclipse, just throw a quarter high into the air near any mean boy.

Our desperation is more impressive than the sun. Oh. That was just too real, man. Yeah, you brought it here, bitch. You brought it here. All right, and finally, Texas lawmakers have passed a new abortion bill that critics are describing as rape insurance. Governor Greg Abbott dismissed these claims, saying, just go into labor.

The state doesn't care. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. That came with a singing part. It's not a Mean Boys if there's not a weird song about rape content. I did about 12 drafts of the general insurance theme, but it wasn't coming together. Just you with like a

beautiful mind corkboard, like, how do I nail this song? Oh, that's what I was doing for the last hour. I was like, this is what's going to be what saves it. Alright. A van plowed into a crowd of pedestrians in Barcelona. Boy, more like the running over of the bulls. I liked it. I was like, well, the other four are the bulls. I liked it.

I was like, well, the other four are pretty good, so that'll carry us. What other foods confound you? Kyle, before you start, let me just tell you, I'm going back to community college. You're going back? Yeah. Just based on what's happening here? Oh, yeah. You didn't finish?

No, I dropped out. The intensive two-year program? It was eight credits away, man. Oh, God, what a waste. Here's where we pretend we finished high school. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I still have a $49 student loan. No, I literally, this is the story when I dropped out of community college.

I was late to my music appreciation class, and I was outside the door listening, like waiting for a good moment to come in, and the teacher was like, where's that weird guy? And I was just too embarrassed, and I was like, fuck it. The community college in the Inland Empire, you were the weird guy? Yeah, and they were like, yeah, that guy creeps me out. Was it because you're the only one without a neck tattoo? Like, how are you the weird guy at the Inland Empire?

At the music appreciation class. This is what happens when I bring in a Jay Della instrumental. They're like, what is this guy doing? I got another Spanish joke. People who speak Spanish, they're like Toriemos a lot. God fucking damn it. It's not bad, right? It's not bad. It's no plantanos

or whatever the fuck. Platanos. Oh, sorry. L-A. T-A and squiggly-o's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was trying to sing it along with a song for a while. I couldn't make it work in my head. Well, I think I showed you that

musical parody numbers are ill-advised. All right, Tom, close it out. Oh, fuck no. A pastor resigned from Trump's religious council this week. When asked why, he said, when people told me they act like children, well, I miss them saying the word act. What? I don't know.

I didn't even kind of. It was a pedophile joke. Ah, cool. It doesn't matter. Well, the Mean Boys podcast will be right back after this. Try a different one. Absolutely not. I think you got to double down, Tom.

One more. You got it in you. Yeah, I like where this is going. Oh, I don't. Here comes the gold. You just needed to warm up. Oh, boy. All right. Here we go. All right. All right. All right. This is going to bring it home. All right.

Here we go. All right. All right. All right. This is going to bring it home. All right. Bring the home runs in. All right.

Okay. Not a phrase. It sure is not, I guess. A U.S. citizen was caught smuggling meth from Mexico using a drone. When authorities asked him how he felt about his action, he said, pretty fly. Trombone yourself right now. Wash your ceremonial robes. Tell your family you love them.

Look, I didn't have a single good joke. You think I'm going to do another good one at this point? I'm doubling down with the worst possible joke and enjoying it. You don't have to play every sound to affect you, idiot. Tom, this is the worst version of the movie network I think I've ever seen.

All right, for the love of God, we're moving on to the next segment. We'll be back after whatever we put here. Johnny's Exotic Wild Animals. Oh, hey. Glad you could make it. Oh, my God. Mr. Leno, I'm a big fan. Seth, it's nice to meet you. Oh, my God. Mr. Leno, I'm a big fan. Seth, it's nice to meet you.

Thank you, Seth. Come on in. I wish I would have known it was you, but I'll tell you, your grandson is going to have a hell of a bar mitzvah. I've got a Brazilian rainbow boa constrictor, a lemur, and a beautiful 42-year-old macaw. That's great. Thanks, Seth. Just have a seat on the couch next to the desk there, and we'll get started. Sounds good, Jay.

And we're back here to talk with animal expert Seth. Seth, what do you have for us today? Wait, was that Kevin Eubanks? I'm in between places since the divorce, man. Let's just get through this. So is that a rattlesnake you brought for me today? Or was that just a maraca in your messenger bag? Ha, ha, ha. My man Jay. It's a

boa constrictor. I told you on the porch. Come in. What's up, buddy? Ladies and gentlemen, you may know my next guest is Cam from Modern Family. Give it up for Eric Stonestreet. God damn it, Jay. Not again. Hey, Seth, why don't you introduce Eric to your Boat Constrictor? I'm never going to see the fucking steam-powered fire engine, am I?

Mr. Leno, why is Eric Stonestreet here? Why are you wearing a denim bathrobe at 3 p.m.? Why did you book a wild animal show through a false name? Where is your nephew? Oh, so don't nobody think it's weird that Kevin's here. All right, that's nice. I said, why don't you introduce us to your boa constrictor, Seth? Well, her name is

Coco. Oh, sorry, we don't say Coco in this house, Seth. In this house, we're going to call the snake Ungrateful McFuck. The snake. Jay, I told you, you need to get some help. Everything's fine. You've got a show. Oh, yeah. Jay's Garage. Everybody loves my CNBC original series

about my fucking cars, Eric. When you're done playing a fag on TV in six years, and you can't do shit but host a 30-minute home improvement show on Spike, then you can tell me I'm fucking fine. There's no bar mitzvah, is there? Man, at this stage in your career, Jay's Garage is a good passion project to show that you've

moved on. Hey, you want to keep talking, Kevin? I'll take away your shelf in the refrigerator and make you sleep in the shed again. Alright, man, we didn't have to take it there. Now play the little womp womp womp womp on yourself. Man, we did 15 years together, Jay. Don't be like this. I said play the womp, womp, womp, womp.

Hey, fuck you, man. I get cast and shit. I was just in The Secret Life of Pets. Oh, so when people come up to you on the street, they say, Oh, wow, you're the fucking dog or whatever from Secret Life of Pets. Not, oh, you're that one pillow biter my grandma likes. Hey, man, that was a good family-friendly romp. Just don't be like this, Jay.

Oh, right, excuse me. I forget Kevin was an expert at having a family. The Secret Life of Pets is the highest-grossing original animated film not by Disney or Pixar, you fucking asshole. You want me to tell 20-year-old jokes at casinos and by Duesenbergs like you? Hey, uh, speaking of pets, who wants to pet

Sebastian, the ring-tailed lemur? Put your raccoon monkey away and get out of here, man. It ain't safe. When we come back, the police are going to be here. Now Eric gets to decide if it's the band or the branch of law enforcement. Jay, I have a family. Oh, how are they doing? You got any three-minute colorful anecdotes about your children you want to share on the couch?

So, um, Sasha is my youngest. On the couch, Eric! You share the anecdote. You share it on the couch. Well, uh, Sasha just turned three. Oh, that's a fun age. Oh, yeah, for you. I'm the one who has to deal with it 24-7.

Nah, they can be a handful. Hey, yo animal guy character actor save yourselves he's got a juggling bitch and Mike Myers locked up in the basement so that's what

he's been up to let's get out of here Coco come on let's get out of here let her feed Seth this is the only way the cycle can be broken and I can be freed

from my curse I deserve this and the Mean Boys podcast is back with a game that's been requested to come back from a lot of fans and we're bringing it back to you today this is Tom Tomperty motherfucker for anybody who's new to the show

Tom Goss is a beautiful idiot and describes things in very strange ways recently on a live show he described the devil as quote edgy god and so we've engineered a Jeopardy version trying to get into Tom's brain. So, Tom, why don't you run us through the categories for today? All right, you guys ready for the categories?

The categories are clothing. Which you have already, I think, misspelled. I'm sure I did. Clothing, Asian food, towns in L.A., and things people fear. Towns in L.A.? L.A. is a single fear. Towns in L.A. L.A. is a single city. Believe neighborhoods is the word. Sure, yeah.

If you're struggling with Tom's comprehension of reality now, this game is going to hurt you. Planets on Earth. I think you're thinking of countries. Kyle, since you're the guest, I'm going to let you pick the category and amount first. Since we went with it, let's do towns in L.A. for 100, please.

Okay. Artisan land. Oh, yeah. We forgot to say. You raised your hand. Do you have to form it in a question? I don't. Tom won't remember.

It'll just confuse me. All right. I'm going to say what is Silver Lake. Correct. Okay. All right. Keep control of the board. I will say towns inend, LA for 200

Little Mexico Within Los Angeles Alright Gunner Echo Park No Shit What is East LA?

Koreatown was the Fuck you Shit. I mean, what is most of it? What is East LA? Koreatown was the direction. Fuck you. Okay. You're not wrong. You are annoying, but you're correct. You asshole. Keith still controls the board. Let's go over to Asian food for 100. Asian food for 100. Napalm avocado.

What is wasabi? Points. I don't like that i got that correct no no it makes sense now it's all now it's all right yeah it takes a second but you catch the rhythm all right against my better judgment asian food for 200 uh veggie mosh veggie mosh stir fry correct vegetable stir fry cool that is a terrible Halloween novelty. Let's go with things people fear for 100. Things people hear for 100. Makeup pedophile. Points.

Kyle's on the board. Kyle controls the board. I like where Asian food was going. I'll take that for 300. Wham bam bach. Shut300. Wham, bam, bach. Shut up. Shut your dumb mouth. Wham, bam, bach. What?

Fucking what? I got nothing. Yeah. Kung pow. Yeah. Chicken? Correct. Yeah. Chicken? Correct! God damn it! You just reached for the only Asian term that comes to mind.

No, like wham-bam, kung pao, wham-bam. I think buck-buck. But buck, I was going to buck-buck. That's what I thought too. And so I was like, fuck off, chicken. Well, that's a chicken sound. What was that, 300? Yeah, that was 300.

Yeah, give it to me for 400. By the way, this category was inspired from your pho joke, which I absolutely... Oh, okay. Well, thanks. That's how I explained pho to my girlfriend. If I want to explain a tesseract to somebody, I'll just explain your logic to them. Because everything starts off like, okay, that's reasonable. And then it's eight degrees towards hell.

Okay, you said Asian food for $400? Yeah, I did. Okay, chopped Asian burrito. What is an egg roll? No. What is sushi? Points! Boom. Okay, alright. Let's close it out. Asian food for five. Okay, vegetable dongs.

Bah! God damn it. Spring roll. Points. Keith controls the board. Asian food is taken. Let's go clothing for 100. Clothing for 100.

Headlookers. What are glasses? Points. That's debatably clothing. That's why that was $100. Okay. Yeah, you get it. Yeah. All right. Clothing $100. Okay. Yeah, you get it. Yeah.

All right. Clothing for $200. Brain condoms. What are hats? What are beanies? Points. How dare you get technical? Clothing for $300. This category should be called accessories so far.

Watershield. What are swim trunks? Nope. This category should be called accessories so far. Water shield. What are swim trunks? Nope. Raincoat. Points. Nice. Okay, Tom just saw the last airbender. Swim trunks aren't going to protect you from the water.

No, they didn't absorb them. They just kind of accept it. Yeah, you guys are right. I'm stupid. Connor, you fool. Silly me. Kyle controls the board. What's left on clothing? Clothing is 400 and 500.

Let me see 400. Double shorts. Pants? No. Swimsuit? No. What is a skort? What is that?

It's a skirt with shorts underneath. It was boxers. Incorrect. Explain yourself. Can I somehow dock Tom points even though he's not playing? They look like shorts. I've worn them as shorts. No one said anything. And then you put... Because people are afraid of you, Tom. Because they didn't say it to you.

Yeah, no one approached the burly mohawk Sasquatch in his underwear on the street? Yeah, because the backseat of your Prius is full of machetes and canned goods. No, that's my basement. God damn it. All right. Clothing for five. I don't even control the board.

I was right with swimsuit because it's got shorts inside of the shorts. Sometimes you're more correct than he is. It's infuriating. Clothing for 500. Art guy warmers. What is a turtleneck? Points. Shit.

Oh, man. Here's the problem with this game. Whenever you win, you feel... Go on this list. Yeah, tell me the problem. When you get one correct, you feel worse about yourself. I've stooped to their level. He broke me.

I'm going to go Towns for LA and 300. Okay. Gotham before Batman. Downtown? Points. Alright. Alright. Let's do downtown. Fucking LA 400. That one.

World's famous beach bullshit. Venice. Points. Nice. Kyle controls. Let's do it for 500. Venice. Points. Nice. Kyle controls. Let's do it for five. 500. Last acceptable place of racism. I raised my hand in the room.

I actually don't know. Beverly Hills? No. Okay. Hollywood? No. Sydney Valley? No. Simi Valley? No, the correct answer was Glendale.

I don't know why it's okay to hate Armenians, but it's okay in LA for whatever reason. Yeah, people have just kind of decided that that's fine. Yeah, I don't get it. Everything else is pretty... That one's pretty out in the open. Yeah, there's a lot of nice Armenians. You just don't buy watches.

They're cool. The same people making the Steve Bannon jokes on Twitter That one's pretty out in the open. Yeah, there's a lot of nice Armenians. You just don't buy watches. They're cool. Like the same people making the Steve Bannon jokes on Twitter are also like, oh my God, this BMW cut me. Oh, I do that all the time. Openly make those jokes. They're white people. They're like white with an asterisk.

Barry Bonds of white people. For the listeners at home, Kyle is currently texting his agent, asking her to hack into my laptop and destroy this audio. I'm going to need some edits on this episode. I'm going to have to be the voice of Spike TV from now on. I'll make a joke about how I don't think I'm racist, but I'm surprised whenever I see a white Mercedes use its turn signal and I don't

say the race and everybody knows what I'm talking about. That's pretty good. That's good storytelling. It's show you don't tell me racist. Well, did you think of it Then you're racist Some fucking judo You got a weird Chinese finger trap Of tolerance over there

Hey now that was racist Okay Alright Oriental finger trap of racism Things people fear for 200 Things people fear for 200 The big gravity Death? No Okay What is heat death of the universe? Thanks, People Fear, for 200. Thanks, People Fear, for 200. The Big Gravity.

Death? No. Okay. What is heat, death of the universe? No. Falling? I mean, you were the closest. It was heights.

I'm giving it to you. Yeah. The Big Gravity is... That's the Camille's New Moon? There it is. That was emotional. That was an emotional title for the... The big gravity. That was artistic.

All right, Kyle has the board. Kyle, let's go for that for 200 then. 300? 300. That's all we got left, yeah. Hand poppers. Guns. Points.

All right. Kyle controls. Also what Tom controls 400 and 500 It's also what Tom calls bugles Hand pop Thanks people for 400 Pointy hamster Pointy hamster What is a porcupine? No

What is a rat? Points By the way there is a rat thatine? No. I got it. What is a rat? Points. Oh, okay. I was going with possum in my head. Yeah. By the way, there is a rat that just lives in our backyard. We found out last night. Oh, really? Yeah.

I always called rats Puerto Rican gerbils, but I mean, that's a line from Kyle's act. Don't throw me under the bus. I love the Puerto Rican. Don't care for gerbils, though. Especially because I said the in front of the rat. All right. Let's end it up Thanks people for your five Alright, KKK missed What?

Kyle I want to know what Kyle thinks it is Fog? Nope That's what I thought it was too Axe bodyog? Nope. That's what I thought it was. Axe body spray? Nope.

People are not afraid of Axe body spray. I want to keep guessing. I don't need the point, but I want to crack the code. KKK mist. That's Richard Spencer's new fragrance? I don't know. I genuinely don't know. I really thought it was fog. Yeah.

I would like... Yeah. Tom, I'm tapping out. You got to tell us. You guys all tap? Yeah. The correct answer was ghosts. Fuck.

All right. I mean, I'm not going to agree with that. I see how you got there. Tom, you're fired. All right. That was some ways directions. You just lost your share of our 53 Patreon subscribers. You have the one more, right?

Yes. All right. So the score is going into the last round. Connor, you got 900. I have 1900. Kyle, amazingly winning. The first guest to ever win at this game, 2,100. We're on a level, buddy.

Again, question everything that led you to this point. And now you have to pick how much you want to wager going into the final. So, Kyle, how did you get sober? Let me tell you what rock bottom looks like, all right? I'm going to wager 500 going into the last round.

Should I tell you guys the category first? The category is event That's a little vague I'm still going 500 I'm the whole kid caboodle, 900 Yeah, I want to let it ride So 2100? Yeah

It's win or lose It also could not matter less Am I going to miss out on a prize? We don't have prizes. Am I going to win the mug? We're just drinking coffee out of cup hands. Like old boxcar hobos.

Then I won their made-up fucking game. Now they're just drinking out of a garden hose. We've got to win it back in the next game. We're drinking cocktails before the date. We've got to win it back in the next game. Yeah, we straight up, we're drinking cocktails on the show. I had to make glasses by using a throwing knife to cut open old water bottles.

You just pack the coffee into an old sock and then run water over it and swing it around and try and catch the droplets in your mouth. It's a caffeine sprinkler. It's all the John Steinbeck cookbook we're working with. All right, ready for the hint? No, go ahead. Do we still raise our hands or do we all just guess?

Just final jeopardy. Just write it on your phone or just remember it. Yeah, we can just all guess. Yeah, I'll write it on my phone. I'm not putting it in there. Next to such gold as what is a pimento? Hey, I didn't say it was a fully formed bit.

It was just a curious thought that deserves exploration. Fucking dicks, all right? They came to the table with some workshop hits. Yeah, you have Neil deGrasse Tyson come on and explain the pimento paradox. Right, buddy? You think you're such a fucking esteemed podcast.

All right, we go now to the pimentally ill. Okay. Category was events, and the hint is walk the same way. Shut up, you idiot. I know what it is. Do we? I think I know what it is. I just don't know how specific it is.

I like that we're just sitting here. Do you guys know what it is? I'm pretty sure I have it. You got it? Yeah. All right. All right. All right.

What are the answers? I like that you still cut it early, but not early enough to not make us listen to most of it. There are three more seconds. I'm going to say a parade. Okay. Oh, shit. That's better. I was going to say marathon.

I'm going to say the Nazi march because they're goose-stepping. That was my second guess. Okay. The correct answer was parade. Boom. Wow. Wow. I am the best at knowing Tom.

Good Lord. That was my answer because I knew they were running. Yeah, but he doesn't know. No offense. Oh, now we're no offending Tom. That's where the line is. Several times we called him.

It could be Marathon. Before we go to break, we should remind you that Tom Tomerney is brought to you, as always, by the crumbling infrastructure of California's Mental Health Institute. And we got more great show right after this. Hello. I'm the devil.

Yes, the devil. I know I'm something of a celebrity in the mortal world. My works have become the stuff of legend, The Fall of Man, Endless Wars and Plagues, Marissa Tomei's Oscar. I could go on, but I have important works to get back to. You know, top secret devil shit. I just wanted to pop by and thank you all for donating to the Mean Boys Patreon. With your financial support, the boys have been able to create more auditory crimes against humanity, leaving me with quite a bit of free time.

In the last month, they've handled the dissemination of evil throughout the mortal realm, while I've taken up the clarinet. Somebody tell that fat fuck Charlie Daniels I'm ready for round two. With your continued support, the Mean Boys have all manner of sinister plans ready to be executed, And I've got tickets to Hawaii, so please don't fuck me on this, you dweebs. Sign up now to receive bonus content, merchandise, and the satisfaction of knowing that you were one of the many swords plunged into the heart of God

via the most successful unsuccessful podcast in the greater Echo Park area. Go to patreon.com slash meanboys and join my infernal ranks. Alright, Papa Bear's got a margarita waiting. Death to Christ. Embrace the darkness. Salt the rim.

Quong! Okay, how do we plug this show? Okay, um, it'll be a hilarious night of comedy. No, that's fucking boring. It's a chucklepalooza. No, that's corny. What's up, dickmouth? dick mouth oh hey twisted nerve guy i was i was just trying to write an ad for the an ad for what the dildo

convention in your butthole uh we're doing a live podcast crossover uh with the goods from the woods and this is rad uh it's on september 8th at uh nerd melt theater in hollywood california and uh all the proceeds are going to Southern Poverty Law Center to help monitor and combat hate groups. And we're really excited about it. I'm trying to come up with something. Sounds sick as fuck. Oh, yeah, it will be. I mean, I'm just not much of a salesman.

Give me the mic, Nancy. I got this shit. Friday, September 8th at the Nerd Melt Theater. Three podcasts are joining forces to give your funny bone a painful erection. Get your ass down to Hollywood and open wide. Because we're coming in hot. Brace your hearts and your anuses for the good, the rad, and the mean. That's right.

It's the crossover event of the goddamn millennium. The goods from the woods. This is rad. And the mean boys are going to tag team the fuck out of the stage. They're going to own the stage so hard, it's going to put on a dress and change its name to Caitlyn. This meeting of the podcasting minds is un-motherfucking-precedented. If you're one of the eight shut-ins that listens to all three of these shows, we are gonna make you blow a bucket of loads. The goods from the woods boys are coming, and they're gonna wad up a fistful of casual folksy wisdom and jam it up your pee hole. What happens when a chubby dude with a mustache meets a chubbier dude with a bigger mustache?

Motherfucking magic! Rivers Langley and Mr. Goodnight are southern dandies, and they're serving up southern candy for your ear cons. Have you ever looked at something and thought, well, that's kind of rad, I guess? Well, put a sock in it, dickface! You don't know what rad is until you've seen the live debut of This Is Rad! All three of them are coming. The one who's just tall enough to almost make you forget how fat he is. The girl who proves it's possible to be both 30 years old and a goth teenager. And the other guy. Three dorks with the encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture that gets the pussy dripping.

And it wouldn't be the greatest live podcasting event of all time without the mean boy connor mcspadden's ready to frown at motherfuckers and tag every joke to death keith carey's gonna be there getting way too excited about his own jokes then realizing they're not that good and taking his shirt off and tom goss is gonna be there too unless he gets kidnapped by goats or whatever. All proceeds are going to the Southern Poverty Law Center to help monitor and end hate groups because fuck Nazis with a hot cock made of bees.

Tickets are on sale now. Click the link in the show notes. The good, the rad, and the mean. It'll turn your soul into a clit. Mean Boys is back, and it's time again to play our favorite game, which of the following, everybody? You might be thinking, did they steal that jingle from Sesame Street?

And the answer is yes. Correct the mundo. Yeah, well, please don't retweet this Because we're worried about the lawsuits We can't have you signal boosting our mild crimes Spielberg came down on us Tarantino came down on us Nothing would make me happy to get sued by Tarantino

They repoed the mug I like that Trebek is legally representing Jeffrey He's bored now, you know, He just takes the whole thing off. Yeah, what is all your fucking money? This one comes to us by a long time in front of the show. Add death to the filth. We've got a classy clientele here, Kyle. I'm not sure if you could have gathered from context clues.

I met this guy out in Indianapolis, one of our favorite listeners. So he sent us in a game. Which of the following is not a conspiracy theory that Alex Jones believes? Kyle has the Boogie Monster podcast all about conspiracy theories, so he's a favorite to sweep this round. That Alex Jones doesn't believe. The three of these he believes, and one of them

he doesn't believe. Just to clarify, are these things we know for sure he doesn't believe, or just things he's never mentioned? Things he's never publicly supported. Gotcha, gotcha. In the magazine. Although I don't feel like he's holding back. I Gotcha, gotcha. Still could be. Yeah, exactly. In the magazine. Although I don't feel like he's holding back.

I can't imagine him being, well, this is a bridge too far. The world isn't ready for, you know, the alien blah, blah, blah. So let's get started. Round number one. Which of the following is not a real conspiracy theory? Alex Jones believes. A. Antonin Scalia was murdered by the Illuminati. B. John Podesta went to a satanic ritual

where he ate food made with blood, semen, and breast milk. C, Lady Gaga's performance at the Super Bowl was actually a satanic ritual. Or D, the UN murdered Seth Rich. Who is John Pimento? John Pimento. That was Hillary Clinton's campaign manager. Okay.

He was also in charge of snacks at the cocktail parties. Breast milk, blood, and semen? Yeah. I just can't think of any recipe where all three of those things would be good. Yeah, well, if you're doing like... You didn't think of one where two of them would be good? I mean, look, here's the thing. I've tasted all three of those things.

None of them are terrible. Blood's the worst. You've tasted breast milk? Yeah. When? What? Oh, here's the thing. I've tasted all three of those things. None of them are terrible. Blood's the worst. You've tasted breast milk? Yeah. When? What? Oh, that's right. When I was a kid, my mom had breast milk.

Wasn't it your stepmom? Yeah, I don't know why we need to get specific. But yeah, there was a tit. Milk came out of it. And then I was like, oh, I should drink that. What's weird about breast milk? Well, after the age of... Maybe as an adult.

Yeah. 18 months, it's a little odd. Some chefs just kind of, you know... Name one chef. Name one chef that's doing this. Name one chef in general. The guy, Ferrari guy, is the closest thing I know to a chef,

and then there's that fucking British dude who throws pans at people. That's really the only chef side, though. My dad's a good cook. He doesn't do it. Man, that would be a hell of an episode of Chopped. You have these four bodily fluids.

Make it work. Alright, gang, so what are your guesses? It's Anans Kalia, Podesta, Lady Gaga, or the UN murdered Seth Rich. I think it's the UN murdering Seth Rich. I think that's the bullshit one. What was B again? B was John Pimento drank

cum and shit or whatever. God, I wish I had a better memory. C was Lady Gaga and D was The UN killed Seth Rich. I'm not sure you do. You might want to forget that Mexican joke off earlier. A was what?

A was Antonin Scalia was murdered by the Illuminati. Fuck, I'm going to go D. All right, Kyle. Either A or D. D was that he was killed by the... No, but they think he was killed by... By the UN. Seth Rich by the UN.

Yeah, their whole thing they're pushing is that he was killed by the Democratic Party. Yeah, they thought he was a Guccifer. Yeah. Oh, shit. You know what? I'm going to go with A or D. I'm going to go with A just to change it up. All right, guys. The answer was D. Shit. Hell yeah.

Keith and Tom jumping into an early read. I love that Tom always gets real proud when he gets one right, even though he has no comprehension of most of the words. Oh, I don't remember what I said was wrong, but I know that when I heard it, I felt it. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut. Tom has tremendous instincts, if nothing else.

Round number two, which is the following, is not a real conspiracy Alex Jones believes. A. Procter & Gamble tests its products on human clones who have no legal rights. B. A lot of moving parts there. There's a lot going on. Do you feel like Alex Jones just has three dartboards and what it's just like Hillary, clones, and the devil?

Down for predicate. And who's Proctor Gamble? They make the pimento loves. It's Colonel Sanders' cousin. I really bring that call back into the ground. That's about the sixth reference, and there's two funny ones at best. Give me a week and a half,

I'm going to have that pimento joke up and running. B, Bill Gates is the head of the New World Order eugenics program. C, the government puts chemicals into kids' juice boxes to turn them gay. Or D, there are human-animal hybrids created in Illuminati cloning facilities. A lot of cloning. Yeah, those are real clone-heavy rounds. It's a weird deal. And what, sorry, A one more time?

Procter & Gamble tests its products on human clones with no rights. I still, yeah, I still don't know who Procter & Gamble is. It's like a Johnson & Johnson. Can't imagine that changing your answer. Yeah, it's like a pharmaceutical company. Okay, I'm going to go A. I think the juice box one is fake only because doesn't he believe that there's, like, fucking gay shit in the water? I've got to figure he thinks everything is.

I saw the video about the frogs turning because that's another first question he got us by like oh he does believe sethrist was killed by somebody yeah he's tricking us on the eat that we fucking see you i didn't write this one you yeah it's a juice box i'm still blaming you and i go juice box as well all right tom uh whatever a was the fake one was unfortunately A. Fucking damn it. Shut up, Tom. I think this is a conspiracy. Who would have thought Tom would have been able to get in the mind of Alex Jones?

Everybody, perhaps. I love that Tom barely understands this and also hosted a conspiracy podcast. No, I know conspiracies. Spell it. Name three. Well, 9-11 was an inside job. 9-11 was an inside job by the banks. And the fluoride in the water is to brainwash people.

All right. I can name a lot more than three. Two-thirds of those were 9-11 based. The math checks out. We run it by the scientists. I can do 9-11 on 9-11 based The math checks out We run it by the scientists I could do 9 to 11 on 9-11 alone Numbers motherfucking numbers Oh my god

Round number three All false flag edition The US government conspired with Saudi Arabia To cause 9-11 Sandy Hook was faked by actors And Hollywood special effects Dylan Roof was a government agent. Or D, Timothy McVeigh was

a DEA CIA agent that the U.S. government did the OKCity bombing. Okay, I need to know who the people in C&D are. Dylan Roof shot a black church and Timothy McVeigh blew up a federal building in Oklahoma. Okay. After, I know all about conspiracies.

Yeah, I didn'd say new people What did you say about Dylan Roof That he was a Government agent He was a government agent I know I mean I know the Sandy Hook one is real Yeah

The first two What's the first one First one was The US conspired with Saudi Arabia To do 9-11 That was a bad one I'm gonna say I like how we're like

Well everybody knows that I'm gonna say C We got the I saw the bumper sticker On the Jeep Yeah C was Which one Jeep. C was... Which one was C?

C was Dylan Riff was a government agent. Yeah, that's mine. Tom Goss. You know, it's either C or D. And since Keith said C, I'm going to say D. It was D. D was Timothy McVeigh was a DEA agent. I'm going to go with D.

All right, the fake one. C. Bam. Okay. Tom flying too close to the sun on his contrary logic. I'm going to go with D. All right, the fake one. C. Bam. Tom flying too close to the sun on his contrary logic. Yeah, my logic was Keith said the other one. I'm going to say this one. Solid rationale.

You have like this weird concussed version of game theory that is irritatingly effective. Round number four. The real John McCain died in Vietnam. The current one is a clone. I didn't realize there were so many clone things. B. The government is turning frogs gay. Hello, my baby. Michigan gay frog?

C. Obama is the global head of Al-Qaeda. Or D. The government has controlled the weather since the early 90s via chemtrails. Ah, shit. These all sound so real. Yeah. And A, one more time. Tom, not once, remember. Look, I remember three of the four.

I had the same thing, because I'm like, wait, no, not that. Okay, that one, no. Look, he may not be a good co-host. He is the world's largest goldfish, and we're very proud of him. We have a lot of ribbons. We won him at that county fair, and we just kept waiting for him to die. Won't fit down the toilet. The real John McCain died in Vietnam and the current one is a clone.

Fuck. Okay. I'm going to say that one. John McCain definitely looks like he'd be one of the first batch of clones. He's the first pancake of clones? He looks very melty right now. He's a little lumpy and just like, I'm close. He's a little crusty, you know.

He's trying to put him out there. Doesn't move right. He's like a bad G.I. Joe you bought in Chinatown. He's got enough hinges. When a 13-year-old does a drawing of Spider-Man and it's like, it looks good, but it's not right, but you can't explain why it isn't right. Keep going. You're on the right track. And what was the one that wasn't the Frogs of the Chemtrails?

Al-Qaeda and John McCain. I'm going to go Al-Qaeda because I – wait, wait. They're Obama controls? No, Al-Qaeda is the people that spray paint the house across the street from ours so apartment complexes don't buy out the neighborhood. Wait, is it that Obama is the head of them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I'm going to go A. All right, Kyle. I'm with A on this one too.

Yeah, we're all A. The fake one is A. All right. Congratulations, guys, on the final round. Are these all real or all fake? Glenn Beck is a CIA operative. The government used EMPs to cause Hurricane Sandy. The New World Order has created cyborgs.

Or Jared Loeffner shot Gabby Giffords due to mind control sent to him through his TV. These are for sure all real. Fuck. I want for sure all real. Fuck. I want to say all real, but then that's not... I think they're fake only because the details are tweaked. Actually, that's an interesting point.

That's the only... Should we hear them all one more time? No. Stop it. Okay. So it. Okay. Tom, a little thing called pacing, and this is what we call And the D was the guy who shot that Arizona lady,

right? Yes. Okay. Tom gets most of his knowledge from politics through three-year-old Doug Stanhope bits. This is a perfectly

tailored round for him. Okay. All right. I'm going to go... Fuck. I'm going to go all fake. Details are slightly changed. Kyle, all real, all alright. I'm gonna go... Fuck. I'm gonna go all fake. Details are slightly changed. Kyle, all real, all fake. I'm saying all fake.

Those are all real, gang. God damn it. Suck a butt. Alright, well, Keith has re-won the mug for the house. The fucking house cup, like a shitty welfare Harry Potter. Yes. We'll be right back with the Mean Boys mailbag right after this.

What are you two so down about? We're bored. There's nothing to do. Well, do you want to go to the park? No. What about the arcade? No. What about the circus?

I mean, I guess. They still do the circus? They sure do. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, come one, come all to the circus! The Big Top is setting up shop in that most historic of performance spaces, the parking lot at the mall! Oh, okay, so at least we can go to Wetzel's Pretzels, too. No, silly, not the good mall, the other one! For the low ticket price of way too much, you and your family can experience the most exciting

attraction of 1893. Witness the primal terror of the African lion. He looks sad. I think you mean he looks ferocious. Is he crying? I didn't know lions could cry. See the stupendous skybound skills

of the flying Dmitroviches. A totally real family of Russian acrobats from real Russia, and definitely not three Mexicans we picked up at the Home Depot. Hola, comrade. Holy shit, is that dude dead? Si, es ok. And we know every kid loves clowns. Literally no kid has ever loved

clowns. Uh, so is the park still on the table, Dad? Your dad is gone, but here's a clown that kids love. For kids! His name is Flopso, and yes, he's supposed to smell like that. You kids want a balloon animal? I mean, I guess. Yeah, well, I want my fucking kids back, but we don't always

give what we want, do we? Alright, fucking woohoo, look at the squirty flower. Don't tell my boss I was smoking. And come early to check out our big top Bonanza street fair. We've got it all. Hot dogs that are somehow too cold and too hot. A chimp that's probably not dead, but like, why ask? And the finest popcorn that the AMC theater at the Good Mall didn't think was worth serving.

Ow, there's just loose screws in here. Sounds like somebody just found the secret prize. And I'm like 40% sure this snow cone is made of pee. And 60% is still a passing grade. So come on down to the circus.

Alright, which one of you little cocksuckers keyed my turse out? You think I won't kill another fucking kid? One of you better cough up $ers keyed my turse out? You think I won't kill another fucking kid? One of you better cough up $18 or a blowjob or I'm going to fucking stick you like a pig. The circus. We're terrible. And the Mean Boys podcast returns with another edition of the Mean Boys Mailbag. Usually we have shockingly irrelevant guests on this show, so we just get questions like,

which one would you buttfuck? But we actually have people who wanted to hear things from you. I'm not getting that question. Oh, no, you've got a bunch of that, too. You've got a lot of, like, tell him to take his dick out. And I'm like, I mean, we might, but we'll probably do it off air. It's not really a question, is it? It's more of a command. Yeah. It's more of a, probably a mild crime if you want to get, you know,

litigious about it. It's either, like, a bummer or assault, depending on how cool Kyle is. Is this the only way out of this house? The first question, how was performing in Edinburgh? Sucked. Cool. Every comedian that goes over there is like, it's the best experience of your life.

You've got to do it one time. It's like boot camp. It's life-changing. Yeah, boot camp sucks. It's boot camp. You don't even get to climb monkey bars or shoot a rocket launcher. Well, that's fine Yeah, boot camp sucks. It's boot camp. You don't even get to climb monkey bars or shoot a rocket launcher. Well, that's fine. Do boot camp when you're new at comedy.

I did it when I was 16 years in and it fucking blew. I mean, like, listen, it's not the festival's fault. The festival's great for what it is. And if you're young and you want to go over there and you want to lose 10 grand doing comedy to nobody every night. Tempting. I mean, you could just stay in America and do that and not lose the $10,000. And there's way more sizzlers, you know. Yeah, yeah.

And you can get that Chili's you love so much. But I went out there and it just fucking sucked me. An hour every night in the same place. It felt like a day job. I was saying the same words to the same part of a wall at the same time every night. And I wanted to blow my fucking brains out at the end of it. That being said, a lot of great acts. But I'm putting it on me.

There's no reason after almost 20 years in comedy to go over there and do that. It's not like, oh, I've got to make a name for myself. I did. Nobody in Europe gives a shit about me, so it didn't matter. Yeah, the triple runs are fun when you're 19. But if you're 39 selling DVDs that don't have anything burned onto

them so you could pay your child support, it's kind of a bummer. Yeah, exactly. That is a very specific call. We don't need to discuss what I'm talking about. What DVD am I not buying? Next question. What is the best slash worst meal you've ever had? Does that mean it's the same one?

No, no, no. Best meal, worst meal. I don't know. Why do people ask me food questions? Well, you talk about food a lot at Boogie Monster. And in general. Cooked up. Best meal I ever had? Shit, man. I don't know.

I think it goes with the emotion and the time frame and where you're at. Like a steak's good, but what if you eat a steak right after you got dumped? No matter how good a steak is, a steak sucks because you're alone. I mean, how bad of a relationship was it? I don't know. Maybe if you're finally free and then it's the best steak, even though it's a shitty steak, you're like, oh, God, but I'm eating a steak because that's what my dumb ex-wife wanted. What I love is that so far you've gotten angry at questions about going to Europe and eating a steak.

And questioning plantains. Well, I don't know. I had, you know what? Okay, here's a very strangely specific meal. I had conch. I don't know how you pronounce it. Like the shell? Yeah, yeah.

That's conch. Ceviche. Like a Lord of the Flies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.'s conch ceviche like a lord of the flies yeah yeah yeah but they made ceviche with it at a fat tuesdays in the bahamas and it was the best meal because you could just jump over the railing into the water in the middle of your meal that sounds fucking awesome it was wasted and i would just take a chip and eat some of that and it tasted good and i just haul myself over the railing into the water uh much to the dismay of all the other diners they didn't realize you could do that,

but I saw a sign that said, not responsible if you get hurt jumping off our railing. I don't know, that's an endorsement. I asked the waiter, does that mean I could jump off the railing? Yeah, if you get hurt, it's not our problem, but cool. Kept jumping over, then would walk back through the restaurant soaking wet

to sit down and have more ceviche, and then just jump over the railing into the water again. That's your version of the line before the tequila is the cannonball. Boom. Earned it. Earned it. I've never wanted to go to the Bahamas until right now. Keith got dumped and my girlfriend bought him a whole pizza, a breakup pizza.

And I just remember you're just like, I'm so mad that this is exactly what I wanted. I was furious. I was like, God damn it for being so on brand. You never had a whole pizza for yourself? No, of course I've had a whole pizza for myself. How dare you? You fucking fool. How do you think I ended up this way?

I don't know why that was such a gift. No, it was just like I got broken up with. And there was no discussion about it. I just got here and she was like, I bought you a pizza. Oh, that's nice. It was really sweet. I wish I could have been like, I'm not hungry. But I was like, yeah, I bought you a pizza. Oh, that's nice. It was really sweet. I wish I could have been like, I'm not hungry, but I was like, yeah, I could eat a pizza.

I think the best meal I ever had was the Gatorade I drank after I got food poisoning. Gatorade when you're sick? Yeah. That's a whole meal. When you need some electrolytes. Oh, that's manna from heaven. This is the second show in a row where we've had a weird conversation about Gatorade.

We had the whole camera on the way. Before I knew how bad the shark fishing was, I had a really good shark sandwich. Shark sandwich sounds like a weird sex move you talk about in 8th grade. Maybe. There's no cool story. It was just a really...

Where did you eat a shark sandwich? It was like... Between Huntington Beach and Long Beach. And it was... You could get those. I don't know you could even get those. This was years ago. But it was fucking like, I was like, this is why people are so mean to sharks.

They're delicious. Was this the intermission of an underground poker game? Look, we had bald eagle tacos. I had a shark sandwich. And then we had one of those Asian baby hats. I was like 14, 15, 16 and then my dad... Several different years. I'm pretty sure this was

cod and your dad was fucking with you. That's what happened. No, I ordered it. I was like, you guys got shark? And they're like, how is it? And they're like, well, this kid in the helmet seems like he'll be real disappointed if you don't have shark meat. Let's give him fish and chips and a fun story. Well, my siblings were trying to learn how to surf and I got on the board.

I was like, I don't want to eat my shark. And then seeing how I can now eat a shark, it was just a good yin and yang. A real touche moment. Yeah. Somebody asked, what is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you? God fucking damn. That's really putting me on the spot here. I don't know what the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me was.

I don't keep a record of this shit. All right, man. Do you know right away, right now? No, of course not. It's just funny. I know. You fill the dead air while I think about it. I got one.

It wasn't meant to be a nice thing, but I loved it, is what Joe said. Tom's going to ramble like Tom Waits when he doesn't make any sense at his concerts. Fucking loved it. I love Tom Waits. It was viewed as a very nice thing someone said to me. A backhanded compliment was a nice thing someone said to you. You've seen how we treat Tom. That's par for the course.

I don't know. I get after shows, I get like, oh, you're not as fat as we thought you were. You do seem like you'd be fatter. I agree. Yeah. I'm surprised I'm not. I'm not taking any measures. Just kind of happened by accident.

You going? Uh, no. No one's ever been kind. Let's see. When was the last time you shaved your face? When was the last time you were non-bearded? Well, you were non-bearded on the TV, on Love. Yeah, I shaved.

They made me shave for that. Yeah, that was weird watching that because I was like, who's that dude that kind of looks like Kyle? And I'm like, oh, shit, he has a face. That's what everybody was like. And that's one of the meanest things I've ever heard, is that people were more upset at my

bare face than my ass I mean neither were great if I'm being honest but Canaan without a beard looks all fucked up like alright thanks that's my regular face

I did a show with you during this time period and people were like when is Kyle gonna get here he's fucking late and then everyone sees you walk on stage and they're like

oh I got to hide out for a minute like people did people had no idea who i was that's amazing there's some undercover boss shit it was pretty cool i was like i was like hanging out like people i'd known for so the beard since for like up to that point eight years and so people like people i knew for those eight years were looking at me i'm like it's kyle they're like they would look oh they're like are you a cop like real weird in front of me like oh god i remember watching that show and that was the first time i'd ever seen somebody i kind of knew having sex on television i was like wow this is weird yeah that came up this weekend with my mom was she a big fan? Yeah, just...

Just critiquing your technique. Yeah, I don't remember if you recall cutting intros for Roast Battle, but that was when my mom was like, oh, let's watch Connor on TV. I guess he's making a cameo, and then I'm making out with Keith in rainbow underwear. Oh, is that...

That's what we did on Roast Battle, yeah. Yeah, so I was like, we're proud of you, son. Yeah. And then I got somebody on Tinder who tried to set up a threesome between me and car. He was less than thrilled. Didn't work out. Nah, I pitched it. It was pitched.

It died in the room. Speaking of weird sex stuff, if you could masturbate in front of one person, who would it be? See, I don't. This question upsets me. Yeah. Presumably consensually. We're going to. Yeah. This really sounds. It's not written in. We're going to... Yeah, this really sounds like...

It's not written in. We're not... Assault charge. Yeah. Historical, alive or dead, what's the... I think anybody. We can say alive or dead. Ronald Reagan.

We can say dead for legal purposes. Fucking, that would be better. Yeah, let's do that. Hollywood Forever is right there. This doesn't have to be a hypothetical. Attila the Hun. Oh, man. When they do those movie screenings, so many graves have probably gotten fucked on in that cemetery.

That is the silence of a man who was about to incriminate himself. Yes, they have. It wasn't during a screening. It's just during your... But you do like Civil War reenactments, but for Return of the Living Dead. Someone also asked when the first time you got a handy was, which I don't know why that's relevant information. We can do that one if it's less upsetting. I don't remember.

I'm still trying to think of who I jerk off in front of. Probably whoever would say the nicest thing I've ever heard. That's true. You have a beautiful dick. Thank you so much. Yeah. Check it out. Watch it in action. Maybe if you told that to me during the masturbation we get those both those like i don't like jerking off in front of anybody i'm actually a fan of

that it feels like i'm reading someone a poem i'm insecure about like it's yeah i can't think of a context where that's necessary right now yeah because somebody's not there that's why that's if i'm doing that i'm just buying myself time i mean that's a fair now. Yeah. Because somebody's not there. That's why that's the idea. If I'm doing that, I'm just buying myself time. I mean, that's a fair enough point. I guess I'm the only one who likes to party at this table.

I didn't realize that. And last question. So my wife feels like I waste time listening to the Free Boogie Monster podcast. How can I convince her it's okay to pay $4 a month to get the Patreon shows?

You can't. Not worth it at all. Effective sales parents. No, the whole time I'm like, if you want to pay $4, I can't. I can't hard pitch you on the idea that you should pay $4. It's like a reverse psychology thing.

It's like this schlubby Lily Loman energy. It's direct psychology. Yeah, if your wife thinks it's a waste of time, your wife's probably right. That wife sounds kind of mean. I mean, it's like he's listening to this in the car. She sounds like a sensible woman. Yeah, you're wasting your time enjoying one hour of entertainment a week.

Why is she listening to it with you then? Yeah, just put on headphones, dude. And listen to it in your special time. I guess what we're saying is kill your wife. That's it for the Mean Boys podcast this week. Kyle, where can they find you online? This is what happens when we try to be professional. You front loaded it with too many gags and bits.

Can we not act like... I got a website. I'm on Twitter. It's my name. You can figure it out. That's fine. This is how we close the show every week. Oh, I know. You're turning up. Well, I didn't do something stupid.

Like, my website's like, number one nacho fan. It's my name. It's my fucking name. I'm currently in the process of getting the domain fart.lawyer to redirect to the Mean Boys podcast because it's like $16. And I'm like, that's a lot easier to spell. It's, you know, better for when you do radio, you can give

that out. And anybody looking for fart.lawyer would probably be probably like i didn't know what this is but i'll try it out like if you need a fart lawyer you're gonna enjoy this show uh tom where can they find you uh twitter instagram goss goss six uh and that was the best handle he could get kyle you had to get on that internet early. When's this out? We're not sure, so don't worry about show plugs. We'll plug it in the intro. Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, Keith tells jokes at Connor McSpadden. Yeah, come to the live shows. They're all going to be plugged in the intro, so it doesn't really matter. Cool. Thanks for coming in, man. Thanks, dudes. Fuck everything. God is dead.