Mean Boys - EP 77 - Armadillo Bucket (feat. Greg Roque)

Episode Date: September 5, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "The Power of Comedy", “Letters to God”, "Def Jam", "The 'I Have A Dream' Speech" and a game of "Which of the Following" with Tom Waites lyrics by Ryan Murphy. Come see The Good, The Rad, and The Mean crossover podcast live at Nerdmelt 9/8 at 9pm: holdmyticket.com/event/290147 Come to the live Mean Boys 9/19 at Harvelle's in Long Beach: longbeach.harvelles.com/event.cfm?cart&id=265462 Buy the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounge Chair here: www.amazon.com/dp/B073Y4V36F Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Greg Roque on Twitter: twitter.com/noleggreg Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey, everybody. It's Keith and Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up, guys? Thanks for coming back again. As always, this week we are joined by Greg Roche, very funny, very in a wheelchair comedian. Hey, everybody. It's Keith and Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up, guys? Thanks for coming back again, as always. This week we are joined by Greg Roche, a very funny, very in a wheelchair comedian. No, Greg's a good dude. He's a buddy of ours. There's so many wheelchair jokes in the show.

I don't think we ever really properly addressed it. Well, it's just such a weird thing to introduce him. It's like, oh, this is our friend. He's a comedian. He can't move good. He barely has arms. No, he's a good dude. You've seen him on Roast Battle and Comedy Central.

He also earned his spot on the show by being our only $100 Patreon donor so far. Not by being a good comedian. No, mercilessly. He was very low down the list. I'm kidding, though. I love Greg. Greg's very funny. He was awesome on the show. Check out all his stuff online, and if you want to be on the Mean Boys podcast, dig into your wallets, you feeble monsters.

Yeah, yeah. And regardless, even if you can't give that much, please thank you to everybody, first of all, who's given to our Patreon so far. It's massively outperformed our expectations. Yeah, y'all earned yourself an extra episode this month, so stay tuned for that. Even though some of your cards got declined and we didn't technically meet the goal, we're all of a sudden done. Yeah, we got close enough. So we're going to do it, and we're going to help you fucking sort out your affairs or get

your child support money back or whatever. Yeah, or figure out how to sell your WIC cards again. Hustle them stamps, man. Again, for five bucks a month, bonus content. And it's really, you just get a little extra Mean Boys every week. Sometimes that shit's funnier than the actual show. Yeah, we basically did

a full extra episode. Yeah, there's some pretty good We get the other roommate on If you want to hear four men have a heat stroke In a kitchen Listen to the bonus content Not once, but twice, do a bit about Shrek From the Shrek franchise Which inexplicably is terrible the first time

And great the second time Yeah, so that's good We did a little live show A bunch of shit on there So please do that, check that's good. And, you know, we did a little live show that was basically a whole episode and a bunch of shit on there. So please do that. Check that out if you got the money. And, you know,

$10, we also give you the goodie bags this month. We're doing some pretty cool pins that I haven't got done designing yet. Yeah. But those are going to exist and we're mailing out

your other shit tomorrow. And if you don't have the extra cash to spare, you can always leave us a review on iTunes, which I realize is a hassle. You got to remember your Apple ID.

But, you know, when you... Yeah, you're going to need it at some point. yeah you're gonna need it at some point yeah you're gonna get lonely enough to download tinder gold yeah exit we've all been there so uh tinder gold my favorite member of the justice league uh this guy writes this podcast is truly disgusting exactly the way i like a podcast to be perfection and then the prayer hands emojis i love that all of our positive reviews start as insults oh yeah, yeah. They're always like, these guys are despicable. These are animals who killed my kid. Nine stars. Yeah, this is like the negativity methadone. I need to make my job at the Amazon warehouse tolerable.

This is the only thing keeping my coworkers alive. Yeah, that's pretty much the subtext of all of them. So if you've got time and you feel like helping us out, do that. We're at 90 now. And once you get to 100, that's when i think i get to go to like the podcast illuminati like hangouts with mark i think i get to go to heaven yeah and stamps.com will just start sending us like free underwear or some shit i don't know exactly how it'll be our undies.com yeah uh also we got a big live show coming up september 19th the good the rad and the mean uh Mean. Nope, September 8th is The Good, the Rad, and the Mean.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's this Friday at the Nerd Melt showroom right here in Hollywood, California. We are crossing over with the Goods from the Woods podcast, and this is Rad for a big night of crazy bullshit to raise money for the Southern Poverty Law Center. Tickets are on sale now. Please pick those up. Just found out if you buy tickets to this show, you are entered to win free movie tickets. Wow. Yeah.

There's a. You can't get those. I want to say Regal. I probably should have looked that up before I said it. But yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Regal. No, it's Regal. Okay, cool. Yeah.

You know, you can't unless you like go to the right dentist or just look on the ground for a while. Yeah. Hey, man. Trying to sweeten the pot. Hey, I'm doing the thing where I make shit on the world or whatever. All right, well, Connor's a dumb gay lord, but the show is going to be super awesome. No, the show is going to be great.

We have some crazy cool stuff planned. You need to go. Yeah, so please come check that out. And September 19th, we are at Harvell's in Long Beach doing another Live Mean Boys down there. Yep, that'll be fun. Our old sweetheart down there. And we're brought to you, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. It's the finest Mexican food the money can buy uh frankly if you haven't been you should

don't even give to our patreon buy a plane ticket and go go on a burrito tour like a middle-aged man go to thailand to fuck just be like a just going like a weird fat guy sex trafficking like french fry adventure yeah down in the beautiful la jolla coastline you go to traumatize a burrito dot com eat a burrito dot com uh they cater things and you know what if you have a party Yeah. Down in the beautiful La Jolla coastline. Go to traumatizeaborito.com. Traumatizeaborito.com. They cater things. And you know what? If you have a party and you live within 100 miles of Don Carlos and you're not getting catered by them, you're not really cheating. But your party sucks and your wife's cheating on you.

Yeah, you're not cheating yourself. You're cheating your friends. And frankly, you probably only have like three of those if you listen to this show. So you should try to hold on to them. We are also sponsored by the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounger. Record scratch? Yeah, what? And I mean, I know what you guys are all thinking.

Like, I love inflatable furniture, but I hate external pumps. We get it all the time. Well, yeah, I mean, that's really... All of our tweets that aren't like rape threats and old-timey racial slurs are just people complaining about external pumps. I mean, you always lose it, and then you get the one for your dick mixed up with the one for the aero mattress. Yeah, well, I'll take that external pump and jam it up your dumb ass, because you don't need it for the Comfort Ninja inflatable lounger.

Is that going to create some kind of bubble that I'm going to fart out later? I mean, probably, but focusing on the lounger specifically, it's got new scoop air in technology, which is not the official name. It was developed by NASA. But you simply unfold scoop air into into it, and roll and buckle. What does that mean? Who could know? But I've been assured it's simple and space-age futuristic. Yeah.

Roll and buckle sounds like it's me describing an accident that you had at the hospital. You're unconscious. Roll and buckle is any chair I've ever sat in. Keith tried to tie his shoe while standing up, and now he's in the Rokimobile. But no, the Comfort Ninja inflatable lounger, it's comfortable, portable. No, it's not comfortable. It's very comfortable.

Shut up. Shut up. I'm choking on my own liquids. Comfortable, portable. It comes in five eye-catching colors. It's a perfect accessory for the beach. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What kind of colors are we talking here?

I'll have you know. Is it like mauve and taupe? No, they catch your eye, motherfucker. We're talking, I'm assuming, red. Green, probably. Presumably blue. And the rest. Fuck yeah, dude.

No, it's great. You can also bring it in the water. It doubles as a pool toy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Home or in the water. So if I have a small rowboat and I need to tow behind a corpse to dispose of. Yeah, yeah. If you want to just comfortably loaf.

I could use it as like a sidecar for my crimes. Yeah, exactly. Really, the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounge is exclusively designed to dispose of bodies. If you're like a Cuban exile trying to reach the shores of Florida and you love Mean Boys. And you know what? Fucking get some Bitcoin. Buy yourself a Comfort fucking uh samurai uh fun bag well now get paddling now that we have used this paid advertisement to advocate for no less than three

felonies uh you can get this on amazon.com if you look at our show notes you're gonna find a link for it and if you buy through our show notes uh you're gonna get a 20 discount on the comfort engine inflatable lounge you frankly can't afford not to own one of these yeah if you don't have one uh you should kill yourself uh but if you don't want to be a loser... And frankly, your couch, if you listen to the show, is definitely a nightmare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just covered in patches and cat goo. Yeah, and you've got the

insects that haven't been discovered formally by the scientific community. Yeah, exactly. Get rid of your stupid Jurassic Park couch and buy a Comfort Ninja inflatable lounger. Get 20% off. Use the promo code NINJA at checkout. So keep supporting them. Support us. Help us make a little

extra scratch and get yourself a dope ass couch thing. And if you send us a picture of you on a Comfort Ninja inflatable lounger, Keith will tweet you

a picture of his dick. Sure, why not? I didn't agree to that before the show, but I will absolutely, I'll probably just tweet you a picture of my dick anyway, but by the thing.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think that's all the business. That's it. That is all the important official business. We have taken care of business. Let's take care of this motherfucking show.

Enjoy this week's episode with Greg Roeke. Yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. It's not shitting your pants if you stole them. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Greg Roque. Nope.

You did it wrong. Alright, you know what, let's just keep this in. And just say something mean about Greg. That's much less fluid. Towel boy for a murder ball team. That's what I was going to go with. That's not bad. Greg Roque joins us in the studio.

Hey, man. Thanks for coming in. Oh, thanks for having me. Yeah, Greg is a very funny comic that you've probably seen on Comedy Central's Roast Battle. He also donated an insane amount to our Patreon, and so he gets to be on the show. Thank you for the liberal use of funny. Yeah, what am I going to do? Say you suck? Yeah, when Greg showed up to the house,

I pretty much immediately bummed him out in my underwear. Because Connor just emerged naked like leukemia Sasquatch. Just lumbered across the yard and spoke no words to anyone. Just silently vaped with his ball hanging out. It was perfect because when Greg showed up, he goes, so where's the pretty boy? And then Connor comes out. Oh yeah, well, for the listening audience, it's 10,000 degrees in here.

We have no ventilation aside from the panting of Keith. Oh, I am dying. Oh yeah, and so I walk outside and then Greg's like, oh yeah, Greg's wearing a fucking sweater. What's up with that? And I was like, oh, is that because you're so skinny or because of the absence of a God's love? And then he was like, wow, man. And I was like, oh, yeah, Greg's wearing a fucking sweater. What's up with that? And I was like, oh, is that because you're so skinny or because of the absence of a God's love? And then he was like, wow, man.

Maybe me and Greg don't know each other well enough for me to open with that joke. I mean, I didn't tell you personally, but I was like, I mean, like, I was honestly intimidated because I'm actually sitting right in front of like, it's like Richard Spencer's like poster boy right here. You are kind of what the alt-right is going for. Yeah, I'm just the, you know just the weird lacrosse homunculus. And unfortunately we are joined by Tom Goss on the soundboard. I'm a cop and you will respect

my authority. With every passing week I regret the decision to give you this technology more and more. And it's just like, you know what, in these turbulent times where, you know, police brutality is on the news every day. You can run, but you cannot hide. Why not a Cartman quote from 18 years ago?

Yeah. Thank you. This is awesome. Love you guys. He does this all while not actually talking with his dumb mouth, which is the thing that the listeners enjoy the most. Yeah. Thank you for being silent when we brought you here to carry the show. Well, the worst part about talking to Tom when you're about to do the podcast is he says 500 idiotic things

and you're like, oh my God. Well, he thought Flavortown was an actual location. That was one of them. He talked about his dad extensively researching hobbit hole building technology. Yeah, you can do that. I'm not saying you can't. Hobbits didn't, but you shouldn't. Yeah, Hobbits did it, but like... You shouldn't. Okay, a simple wrong would have done just fine. Well, you finally got one. I think we're ready to get into this thing, gang.

It's time for the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Ay, almost on time, kind of. Yeah, I was shocked by the seamlessness. Tom did a thing right. That was weird. Connie, you want to kick it off? Yes, I do. In the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, the entire city of Beaumont, Texas has lost access to clean water. City

planners say they aren't worried about this development since everyone there just drinks Mountain Dew anyways. Not bad. I think that'd be a great thing. Like you see like those going around on Twitter. It's just like a like a pallet of Mountain Dew and it's just like one hundred and fifty dollars. Just a crying fat woman. Like the fucking the Dew riots raged on.

Yeah. Greg, you're up. Oh, wait. I was supposed to write Mexican jokes. Yeah. Oh, I thought I was supposed to write the other segment. Oh, no. OK.

You know what? It's funny as I saw you didn't have your anything out and I was like, oh, fuck. Greg's off book. I really came to party. All right, man. Well, just make fun of us. Yeah, just hang out. You can riff along.

Well, this means you're a five and five. Yeah, that's what you and such vaulted company is. All the famous people have been on the show. All right. Well, I'm going to pull up. I'm just going to read Greg a news story, and then we're just going to go to him for a hot take. How's that sound? That sounds fun sound that sounds like a nightmare okay i mean i'm gonna i'm gonna i'll pick some juicy ones all right okay it's coming up all right first one greg a lesbian couple has won

ten thousand dollars in damages from a county clerk who called them an abomination i want you to know that was the first story that popped up on Reddit News. So the Mean Boys gods are smiling. Reddit has a news? Yeah. Thoughts? Oh, shit. I mean, $10,000? Yeah. Damn, I don't have anything.

God damn it. I mean, you can call me a faggot for a nickel in a sandwich. $10,000 feels like a lot. That's still not enough money to be a lesbian. Are they going to share the ticket? How does that work? I think the one that goes on top gets like 75%. Yeah, that's gay science.

I don't know. This was a bad idea. After I already mocked his plight, I put Greg on the spot. If they're going to split it in half, are they just going to scissor the ticket? There you go. Boom. God damn. All right.

In an interview, the mother of late rapper Biggie Smalls said she considered his music, quote, just noise. She then added, quote, that's why I killed that fat motherfucker. You know, in life, he'll just disown me. But in death, I get all that T-shirt money. Just Biggie's mom on a rascal scooter just following her to the car. Have you ever listened to her on the outro of his third posthumous album? They just play a phone call from her where she's just like, if I had one wish, it would be that my son had never gotten into music.

I'd rather he was still selling drugs because then he might be alive. It's just the most fucking brutal thing. I feel like that displays a pretty gross misunderstanding of the drug selling business. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know. You're up, buddy. Hurricane Harvey has devastated Texas, but Texans are still rejoicing

over the new passing of the Swim Your Own Ground law. Okay, that's pretty good. That's pretty good, Tom. Swim your ground. Well, yes, your grounds you can swim on. Oh, man, there is a black people can't swim joke in here that I am not touching. By the way, if there's anything funnier than Tom Goss just holding up like a tattered notebook

while he's just dripping in sweat and just covered in errant body hair and stumbling. I feel like Patrick Starr learning how to read right now. I always love that you refer to Patrick from SpongeBob as Patrick Star by his full Christian name. And you refer to him a lot for some reason. He has a name. His name is Patrick Paulson.

Tyler Perry donated $250,000 to controversial celebrity pastor Joel Olsteen. He called the donation an act of protest against the liberal Madea. God damn you to hell. That one's doing pretty well on Twitter right now.

My favorite part of that story is I was like reading it and there's like Perry the star of Boo 2, a second Madea Halloween. Get the fuck out of here. There's fucking two Madea Halloweens. Two booze, boo. I've never seen Medea. Two booze?

What is this, a polyamorous rapper? Leave now and never come back. I just made Greg a quadriplegic. That's what happened with that joke. All right, do you want to throw to Greg for another hot take or what do we want to do? Greg, what do you call it? Like a story or something? Yeah.

Do you want to try Greg's hot takes? You are allowed to speak on the podcast if you want. It's totally up to you. No, off the dome, man. That's all right. The second top story on our news is pretty rough as well. Police union president calls Black Lives Matter protesters outside Philadelphia officer's house a pack of rabid animals. Oh, shit.

Now, Greg, it should be pretty easy to come up with a non-controversial hilarious hot take on this one. Well, I mean, that doesn't surprise me because they're always

putting them down. Oh. That's actually pretty... That's better than a lot of the ones I have coming up that I worked on. Yeah.

Goddamn it. Okay. All right. I'm glad you didn't write jokes now. Yeah, you're surprisingly good at this. When Keith oversaw this joke covered in sweat, he's going to be real honey-baked ham.

Am I right, King? Kenya has... All right. We've got to get that on the soundboard. Just Greg going... Doing the Jewish neck yank. You do kind of look like Jerry Lewis mid-spasm all the time. I look like Jerry Lewis if he was trying to raise money for himself.

You're Jerry's adult. One thing that really offends me is that Greg's shoes are way nicer than mine. One of the only questions we got in the mailbag this week was somebody goes, how does Greg keep his shoes so clean? The thing is, I want to write, fuck you, because I've had these shoes for like a year.

I mean, yeah. Those shoes are like a year. I mean, yeah. I mean, like, yeah. Those shoes are like when you see the car on Craigslist, like little old lady just drove it back and forth from the store, you know, pretty much just picked it up to cross his legs in mint condition. You know, people always say they want to walk a mile in my shoes, and I say me too. That's outstanding. Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Kenya has passed strict laws banning plastic grocery bags.

In related news, Americans were shocked to discover Kenya has a grocery store. Hurricane Harvey hit Texas. Another Hurricane Harvey? The most religious state in the country. Finally, the ocean has revenge on Jesus for walking all over it.

Shut up, Tom. Just going back to the canyon grocery store, I think it's funny if you go up to the self-checkout and you just put money in a tiger's mouth. Then you walk out. Air, baboon, and bagging area. I don't know what it is about high-end

grocery stores, but I was at Whole Foods yesterday and there was like a strip. I always see bald women. They got weird barrels and shit. Like, I didn't even come up here in my wagon. Why do you have barrels? Tom, what the fuck are you doing? You fat retard.

My favorite thing about that is he was clearly in the middle of a sentence. You were like, well, you're done. Time for barrels. Time for my Donkey Kong observation. You fucking ape. Sorry, go ahead. Finish, Connor.

No, it's not going to be. Well, they have barrels to make it seem fancier so they can charge you more money. That's what the barrels are for. Those are just buckets for horse times. It's the same thing as... Buckets and horse times were buckets. Yeah, they had bucket hangers. They're big buckets.

They're mini barrels. Stop being discriminatory off size, all right? They're fucking big buckets. Big buckets is your fucking rap rock country name. Yeah, big buckets and two Gs and a Z. I like barbecue, but I can't eat it no more. I'm changing your name to Pork Cracklin. I don't eat meat.

I know, that's why it's funny. You're going to go Pork Cracklin. Yeah, well, the observation was I see a lot of really bald women that work in fancy grocery stores, and that's pretty much it, and that's not going to go anywhere. So I guess it's time for me to do a joke.

The U.S. government has released one million barrels of oil from its strategic reserve. The Department of Energy said in a statement that Texas gas prices will drop considerably after they get done squeezing the reserves out of Keith Carey's mattress. Aww. I'm a greasy boy. There's a hundred million barrels of oil in there. Big

buckets. Shut up. Like this is the worst LeVar Ball like fucking promotional thing. Alright, we're going to Greg off the dome again. Alright, Greg. Hot takes. Okay. Blockbuster. No, that's not one that's good.

Alright, I already did a joke on that one because this is where I write my jokes from anyway. The American Legion, the Veterans Association, has adopted a resolution to support legalizing medical marijuana. I mean, good. I really got nothing, man. I guess I guess THC to treat PTSD. I don't know. That's really good.

Yeah, those are both acronyms. Yeah. This is one, two, three. PTSD. One, two, three. I cry in my sleep. Oh, my good. Yeah, those are both acronyms. Yeah. Disease is one, two, three. PTSD. One, two, three. I cry in my sleep. Oh, my God. Is that by the Jackson?

I killed five men in Vietnam. All right. Texas has passed a law making it legal to carry swords in public. Governor Tom Goss said in a statement, quote, yeah, let's see how tough these fucking armadillos are now. That's one of my favorite Mexican joke-offs about me, I think. Armadillos come with their own buckets. God damn it.

Nature's greatest miracle, the armadillo bucket. Points. All right, well, we have an episode title. That's exactly why I said it. Hurricane Harvey hit Texas. Have you seen this? Texas has been defending itself the only way they know how, by shooting at the intruding rain.

You're getting diminishing. Play the trombone on yourself. Womp yourself. Yeah, womp. That's not a womp. Those are different. No. No.

That'll work. That is acceptable. Stop autoplaying. Stupid idiot. Yeah, okay. That means stop, so do that. Is Tom like the Carl Pinkerton of this podcast? That's exactly what he is.

He is, yeah. Who is that? It's the you of a British thing. Who's Edward Pinkleburg or whatever? Wasn't that the name of Kim Possible's rat? I promise you it was not. And this is a man who's seen zero episodes

of Kim Possible. I would love if that rat's name was Carl, but we're not getting into this. Connor, tell a joke. Okay. A man set a world record in Toronto for having the most bees on his face. Presiding A.P. Harris of Dice Clay remarked, if you want bees on your face, go to a strip club in Japan Oh

I go honey didn't I smack you around already today We had a Dice Clay joke What I liked about writing that joke Is I had to google Bee science name And I got apiarist And you could have easily just said bee scientist And we would have been 100% fine with that

Alright Great to the hot takes They got apiarist. And you could have easily just said be scientist, and we would have been 100% fine with that. All right. Okay. Great to the hot takes. Well, we got, do you want another racial inequality criminal justice joke, Greg? I mean, that's the only thing I seem to be good at, so yeah, sure. All right. A Cobb officer who said we only shoot black people is going to be fired this week. I mean, I didn't know you could get fired for telling the truth.

People are like, oh, you said we always shoot black people. It's like, all right, fine. We'll have him shoot that white lady. The whole story was like he told that to a lady who was nervous. So I love how the killing of unarmed black men calmed her down. Yeah, it's true. We still live in that nightmare. Oh, yeah.

I forgot. I'm not black. All right. The police chief is promising to take strong action. He's going to have to shoot a whole carton of black people. Wait, the problem is he made it. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, yeah. I forgot. I'm not black. All right. The police chief is promising to take strong action. He's going to have to shoot a whole carton of black people. Wait, the problem is he made... A whole bucket. Yeah.

A big bucket. Yeah. An old-timey fucking fish barrel or whatever. All right. Do you have the old-timey fish barrel has the floor? Well, shooting an armed black man is like shooting fish in a barrel. Jesus Christ. An 18-year-old girl became the first person to live stream their suicide in Paris.

Leave it to the French to pioneer the art of surrendering. It's funny because it's true. More like the city of lights out. Am I right? Hey. Oh, man. Sacre bleu, her brain's out. That child is dead.

All right. Tom? Okay. If you say Hurricane Harvey, I'm going to push you out the window slowly. Harvey the Hurricane hit Texas. Harvey the Hurricane hit Texas. Before the storm, Poseidon was quoted saying, You want to baptize your unborn fetuses, eh?

Well, here's a whole ocean of unbaptized fetuses. What the fuck are you talking about? Fuck off the wording. That's not what the ocean words. Yeah, that's what the problem was. Yo, Poseidon's got bars, right? Leave him alone. Tom can only deliver his jokes correctly if he doesn't get excited halfway through.

Because when he gets to two-thirds in, he's like, I'm going to pull this one off. And then I got a whole barrel of water for you. Ah, shit. I accidentally cum on my belly. Here's Michael Scott yelling about turtles. The joke is that Texas got what they wanted, a bunch of baptized fetuses.

Cool. We have one more round of joke-offs left and I have a feeling you're going to have another one about Harvey the Hurricane. He has about three minutes to think of a different way to say Hurricane Harvey. And I know he's like, Typhoon Hank.

Big, big storm. Big wet Greg. Oh, no, you're a little wet, Greg. Tropical storm family feud guy. Hold on to your butts. Different black guy, but okay. Proceeds from an unlicensed Pepe the Frog book

Will now go towards A Muslim American Advocacy group In related news This month's Mean Boys Patreon money Will go towards The Dead Retarded

Fat Kids Foundation That just seemed fair I mean Yeah I mean Everybody has to pull together Alright one more hot take It's time For the You know Dramatic conclusion of Greg's hot takes.

Oh, OK. This this one's kind of weird, but I think I think. OK, you know what? This one's good. I think Greg's got something good for this one. Sixteen U.S. Postal Service workers are accused of taking bribes to deliver cocaine. Greg. Shit, I got nothing, man.

I'm sorry. All right. I'm just another disappointment. Jesus. A British schoolgirl was named the first non-Japanese winner of a haiku contest.

We're going until you get one. All right. Pass. I feel like this is a speed round of family feuds. Pass. Her and the cocaine mailman speed round of family feuds. Pass. Her and the cocaine mailman are both good at delivering shitty lines. Damn, that was good.

All right. Look, I'm really trying. All right, guys. A gun was pulled in a fight between back-to-school shoppers at a Walmart in Michigan. I'm done, man. Man, all right. Yeah. All right.

We're going to keep making you stop doing this. McDonald's has quit serving the McPizza at their final locations offering the items in Pomeroy, Ohio, and Spencer, West Virginia. They have pizza? What? There was something called the McPizza in the 90s, and they're still serving it. I assume a McPizza is just like a potato with a pepperoni on it. I think a McPizza is just my a potato with a pepperoni on it. I think a McPizza is just my face right now. Just acne and gross. Sounds like

a slur for someone who's half Irish, half Italian. Yeah, exactly. Hey, you fucking McPizza, how about you give me a filet, get out of my neighborhood. Didn't even kind of work. They stopped serving what was probably like the least greasiest thing on the menu. Yeah, exactly. Greg has broken

the gypsy's curse. The McPizza, as everybody else called it. The salad. Great. Alright. One last one. Okay. Hurricane Harvey hit Texas. Shut up. I'll kill you. Alright. An all-female film adaptation of Lord of the Flies was announced this week. The story of women turning on each other and preying on one

another's insecurities will take place in the faraway location of everywhere. Alright, Tom. Okay. Do it. We all know you're gonna do it. A bunch of water hit Texas this week. Killing several people. Finally teaching the most racist state in the country

that white people don't swim good either. Well, I applaud you for going. You know what's funny is I almost did five jokes About the sword thing And then you realize this is too dumb I like this new element Of Mexican joke off trolling Where usually there's a Keith fat joke

But I think every once in a while I'll just do five jokes About like an elephant that gets stuck in a fence Yeah, it's a me fat joke, right? It could be. That'll be one of them. All right. Well, that was the Mexican joke. We are going to

fucking towel ourselves off and we'll be back with the next segment right after this bullshit. Who has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? We now return to How Comedy Changed the World

on the History Channel. Many of us think of comedy as something lighthearted that simply passes the time or provides a diversion from the day-to-day stress of life. But it is important to remember that there are those who, in times of unimaginable suffering, leaned on laughter because they had nothing else to prop up their spirits. We sat down with a survivor of the horrific concentration camp at Auschwitz to talk about how even after being stripped of his family, his belongings, and his freedom, holding on to his sense of humor helped him persevere.

At 16 years old, I was the last one left of my family. My parents had been taken to the gas chambers as soon as we arrived, and though I didn't know it at the time, I found out when our camp was liberated that my sister had collapsed in the fields just two days before the Allied forces set us free. I see. That's absolutely devastating. I'm so sorry.

And you say that even in those darkest of days, you were able to find something to laugh about with your fellow prisoners. Oh, yes, of course. Without more than a handful of gruel a day, if we didn't have laughter to fill our stomachs, I doubt many of us would have survived that hell. Inspiring. Well, there was this one fellow, Johanan I had gone to school with before the raids

And we used to just laugh and laugh Just one of those fat ass Fat motherfuckers This asshole ate 500 calories a day Tops for six months And still looked like a god damn Buttershed We used to say he was the only one who got his weight

Tattooed on his arm Uh Okay Buttershed We used to say he was the only one who got his weight tattooed On his arm Uh okay That tubby son of a bitch Had to stare at my ribs for nine months And he couldn't even eat them What a fat Cock sucker So

Being able to laugh at one another Helped ease the pain of the situation Oh Johan wasn't laughing about shit. He used to cry himself to sleep every night in the bottom bunk for obvious fat fuck reasons. I swear to God, the only reason they never gassed that fuck was because nobody wanted to drag him to the furnace. You would have needed a sled and a goddamn row team to move that big old shit brick. And even if they did, that crispy motherfucker would have smelled like a pot roast.

I'm sorry, but we're trying to produce a piece here about the healing power of laughter and the role it played throughout time. Wait, wait, wait. Shut up. This is one time Johan shit his fucking pants in the dead of summer. This smells so goddamn bad, we were all begging

the guards to throw more of our loved ones on the pyre just to cover it up. He was running back to the barracks, and he's naked, and he's covered in shit like a fucking Jew retard. And we blocked the entrance, and we'd only give him the tattered letter

his girlfriend wrote him to wipe it up. The funniest thing is, I almost shit my goddamn pants from laughing so hard. Dumb faggot. Welp. Okay, then. Maybe comedy doesn't mean anything.

Who knows? Satire in the 30s certainly didn't stop Hitler, and memes in the 2010s kind of brought him back. So I guess let's just try to enjoy it because we're all going to die anyway. Whatever. Here's Pawn Stars. And the Mean Boys podcast is back.

We have a new segment to try out this week. I was fucking around online and I found a website that collects children's letters to God. Yeah. Kids are dumb. And they try and talk to... When Santa's not around, they try and talk to the other guy their parents made up.

And I was looking. They've actually written a musical about this. They're like children's books about it. They try to answer them. But I really thought, who better to step into the shoes of God, because he seems busy, and to answer those letters than us here at the Mean Boys podcast. Yeah.

Sorry. I wanted some sort of intro. Okay. So the Jeopardy Daily Double, which you've never once used correctly in Jeopardy. Yeah. And why start now? Didn't Tom call the final round of Jeopardy the final solution? That's correct. Yes, he did.

I mean, it is. I mean, no, it's not. But anyway, so we're going to go through some of these. I've distributed them to the other members of the team, and we'll kind of go through and give our best answers. So I'll go first. Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Elliot. Dear Elliot, eyes front, gaywad. Let's keep this shit professional. I love this game. Yeah, so we've already started with calling a child gay. Well, I mean, look, you might be thinking that this is just making fun of children for being naive,

but have you ever considered that maybe you are fat and retarded? They're going to suck as adults, too. This game involves all the things I hate. God, children, you mentioned Santa, work, writing.

Why do you hate Santa? Explain yourself right now. I don't like everyone agreeing on imaginary friends. You either get your own or the none. But you can't have a community imaginary friend. That's why fucking Tom Home Alone's his house on December 24th. He's like, yeah, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, come at me, you fat fuck.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. Stop watching me jerk off, you creep. Let's go backward in the circle, Greg. You want to go next? All right, cool. Let me see. Here we go. Okay.

Dear God. Oh, wait one second we go. Okay. Dear God. Oh, wait one second. Damn, my crippled fingers. Dear God, Mommy told me what you do. Who does it when you're on vacation? Dear Jenny, being a white man is exhausting. Especially when you have to solve every problem in history. So sometimes when I want to relax, I let one of the ethnic yet equal gods run things.

Matter of fact, the last hundred years have been handled by Vishnu. But hey, who doesn't outsource to India these days? Sincerely, the G-Man. I like the idea that there's just like a shittier god from every country. Like Guatemalan god, just like, it's okay. Yeah, just a big pineapple. I like that the G-Man from Half-Life got a shout out. Is that what that was from, Greg? No, it was actually

referencing an old 30s movie, but I won't bore you with that. I thought you were referencing you. Your name's Greg. I mean, lots of things start with G. Yeah, but he's Let's go through them, guys. I think the listeners want to hear a pineapple, a guar, a the listeners want to hear uh, ga-pineapple, uh, ga-guar, ga-guar, Gary. Gnarly?

Yeah. Yeah. You spelled it right. Oh, silent G, bitches. One time we met a morning radio DJ named Gnarly Charlie, and he looked exactly like someone named Gnarly Charlie. Yeah, that was one of the Gnarlier Charlies I've ever met, if I'm being honest. Alright, uh, Dear God, are boys better than girls? I know you are one,

but try to be fair. Signed, Sylvia. I'm going to read this in my God voice. Dear Sylvia, all my children are created equal, except for the ones not born in the continental United States. Cough, cough, Obama.

And fuck Alaska. I was going to say, why'd he turn on Alaska? That's pretty funny. Okay. That's where I hid my oil stash. That's like his secret pack of cigarettes he smokes when his kid's being a shit. Oh, which one of you fucks got into my stash? I need a dinosaur milkshake to unwind after all these Jew meddlings.

I don't even know what that was really supposed to mean. Dear God, instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you got now? Jane. Jane, you basic bitch. If people didn't die, people couldn't fuck. What's the point of not fucking if you're alive? Bet you didn't

think of that, you virgin cunt. This is why I wanted tonic, I asked. Yeah. That made less sense than all the children's letters. No, if you fuck, you reproduce. Not always. Most of the time.

The last hundred years, we figured out some were condoms. Gay people would like to have a word with you. Or just people with condoms. Okay, I'm God in this. God doesn't like gay people. Wait, what? I'm worried that Tom's fucking raw dog. Oh, most definitely.

No, no, no. Condoms have only been around since like what? Like 18, 90? Thousands of years. Yeah, they're in no way correct. No. Oh, you really think a sheepskin was effective? Yeah.

Yeah, it's probably more effective. It's the idea of a condom, you know? Yeah. Yeah, ideas don't stop babies. And if not, you just put a barrel over it. Ideas don't stop.

Someone had an idea for a... Ever heard of Stillborn? A Plan B pill and a coat hanger and a... Yeah, yeah. But that's still all that time. You just couldn't fuck for thousands of years? I'm done dealing with you for right now. The point is, Jane is wrong.

God is right. Thank you. Dear God, I want to be just like Daddy when I grow up, but not with so much hair all over. Sam. Dear Sam, no problem. One tumor coming up. I thought for sure

you were going to call him like a weak, like little gay child or something. I already called the first kid gay. I can't call them all gay. Oh, okay. Well, I really fucked up

my answers. Mine are all xenophobic. As well they should be. I know how you work. Dear God, if you let the dinosaurs not go extinct, we would not have a country you did the

right thing jonathan dear jonathan you little piece of shit of course i did the right thing i don't need your fucking approval i have literally farted out a cosmic affinity a bedwetter like you cannot begin to fathom sincerely the g-man p.s wait p.s your dad P.S. Your dad did the right thing and that's why he's never coming back. My favorite is that it's just like such a tear down it still ends with sincerely. I like the idea that his dad is the dinosaur from the movie from the dinosaurs TV show.

Walk it out in a flannel. Not for me. If you haven't yet, watch the video of Notorious B.I.G.'s hypnotized with the dinosaurs cast. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It's absolutely outstanding. All right. Dear God, Mommy says all babies cry, but I don't think baby Jesus did.

You must know the answer, so please write back. We have a bet. Signed, Angelina. Dear Angelina, baby Jesus only cried once when he saw you humping your pillow and enjoying that weird fuzzy feeling in your tummy while you thought about boys. It's a sin, Angelina. That was oddly specific. You're a sinner.

Okay. Hurricane Harvey. Hurricane God. Dear God, if you give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. Raphael. Okay. Raphael, you could just ask for a better chess set and more money, you stupid.

No, seriously. It seems like you wanted a genie's lamp for a friend, you lonely French fuck. Love God. Go eat pizza in your sewer, dipshit. Raphael, that classic French fuck. Love God. The gooey pizza in your sewer, dipshit. Raphael, that classic French name. It is. It's Italian. No, it's French.

Well, I'm going to Google this while Keith does his. It might be bold by no, it's French. You don't know anything. I do. I went to school with the Raphael. At the Van Damme Academy? No. God. Karate professor taught you name etymology? Is that where you learned it? I feel like you know about kicking as Greg does.

Oh, wow. It looks like Raphael is the name of Hebrew origin, meaning God is healer. French people go by Raphael. Yeah. There's also probably French people named Tom, and I'm sure they're not happy about it when they find out that you exist. But it's a Greek name. And French is actually pronounced Tom. What is more French than Raphael?

Yeah, if you say anything in that voice, you know? Mark. Oh, Japan. Fucking Dave. Jonathan. Doesn't sound as good. I want a burrito. Welcome to Flavortown.

There's millions of people that can't all be called Jacques. I'm telling you. Not everyone in France has the same name. I'm pretty sure there are a million people named Jacques if you look it up. Yeah. Absolutely have to be. All right. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.

Love, Peter. Dear Peter, I tried getting involved with who should go to which camps, but some people thought I made a mistake. Oh well, we'll try again in three years. This is where Keith saves the best one for himself because he put the segment together. Yeah. Fuck you. I know. I'm mad. It's just funny.

Is that a Holocaust joke? Yes. One time I read a movie script that Keith wrote many years ago and i was like oh who's this really funny guy and he's like oh that's the guy that keith wants to play in the movie yeah i gave myself all the best lines oh yeah yeah yeah because i'm a dick and he takes off his shirt with his like a rippling abs and uh says uh oh where's the bacon and then applause break dear god are you invisible or is that just a trick?

Lucy. Lucy, I am invisible. In fact, I'm not even real. I'm an ancient yarn woven in Revo and by countless bygone civilizations in order to distract you from the fact that one day you and everyone you love will die. Your youth will violently erode as your body deteriorates into a heap of unreliable, burdensome nothingness. And one day all the dreams and hopes you once had will be lost in time like tears in the rain. Sincerely, a god who never was. Oh my god.

I love that as this podcast has gone on, we've just gotten more just completely godophobic. No, I've never liked that dude. Neither has Greg, apparently. It was. Apparently the feeling's mutual. Oh, my God damn it. That was funny. Okay.

Oh, man. I can't follow that one. Thankfully, we have time to bring it home with this hurricane touch yourself nonsense. Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Signed, Neil. Dear Neil, yes, that's fine.

As long as they don't say my name in the wrong context or touch anybody with HIV. Sincerely, the G-Man. Why does he say when he's about to take flight? I don't know. I like that your version

of God just says, meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom. Yeah, I don't know. Fly from heaven, it's Saturday night. To be honest, I forgot how to make

the mixer do the reverb effect. I know. Yeah, you saw me trying to figure it out. Yeah. Dear God, did you mean

for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma. No, Norma, I actually fucked up everyone else's design. It's very beneficial

to have a long neck, so sorry, you deformed bitch. I like that I think you went three for three on just calling children names. Yeah, no, why wouldn't you want

a neck that long? You get a headbutt people from the freeway. That would be awesome. Well, Tom, you don't have a neck of any kind to speak of. I know you want a longer neck. You just have three shoulders. I have reverse giraffe. Yes.

You have like a head with like a fleshy stand. No, me and a... You've got a head with a hemorrhoid donut Yeah if me and a giraffe try to eat each other It would be very like snake eating it's own tail Cause my neck's wide enough and it's I don't know what I'm saying Nothing has ever been less sensual You know what for once

You guys are right Me and a giraffe tried to eat each other Like all mammals do. Oh, emergency alert. Heat advisory issued. Cooling centers and heat safety at www.scc.gov.org. Shut up. The Mean Boys podcast.

I like that we're reading live. It's the Amber Alert for temperatures. We have live Amber Alerts from five days before this comes out. And let me just go to the traffic right now. The 101's bad and so is the 405. They're all bad. Most of you live in Denver and Texas, so I don't know.

Figure it out. And also in Texas, Hurricane Harvey hit this week. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back. Quong. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we're back. Please give it up for your next performer, the Def Jam comic who doesn't know how sex works.

What up, y'all? Hey, y'all know how you be pissing up in a big fat ass thinking, shit, I ain't wearing no condom. If she poop out a baby, that's her damn problem. I got shit to do. Hey, hey, hey, boys and girls. It's your old pal, Alligator Dave.

Now open up your ears and listen to this important infidoodle immaculation. I've been hearing all kinds of chitlin' chatter about donating to clean up after Hurricane Havadoodle, but you ask me, ain't nothing to fix. I've been out there in Texas on my flickety fan boat because, honey, that hurricane done made me happier than a pig in a shit Christmas. I done rassled and hassled every critter in the bayou, but you know what they say, when God closes a door, he turn Texas into a new swamp. Since I've been swamp stomping out in Dallas, I done caught 14 gators, 11 crop poppers, a couple of catfish, and more dead poor people than you can shake a shake.

Instead, why not send your money to Mean Boys Patreon? You're going to get some fun stickers and whatnot, and they're going to tell you new words by swearing and what have you. Go to patreon.com slash meanboys and give them your money doodles. All right, I got to go. I got to go. I got my eyes on a super gator. It's like a regular gator, except it's got thumbs and emotions. Alligator Dave, ho!

And the Mean Boys Blogcast returns to play a round of our favorite game, which is the following. Woo-hoo! It's true. favorite game, which is the following. Woo-hoo! Oh, shit. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's true. Fucking nailed it. All of Tom's... All of Tom's muscles just moved at once. I realized that he wasn't ready. I didn't plan that at all.

And I just saw his entire body. Well, we went back for a break so fast, and then I was like, oh, shit. I didn't plan that at all. And I just saw his entire body. Well, we went back for break so fast. And then I was like, oh, shit. We talked for like five minutes. No, yeah, we talked for five minutes about American Dad. And then Keith says, like. That wasn't back from break. No, and then Keith said, you ready to do this?

And I said, yeah. And then I took a beat and then introed the segment. Right. And I was just like, ah. It's just like, you panicked like Kathy in Sunday Comics. Tom. Yeah, swimsuit season, ack! And they hit the wrong button. You're so wet and stupid right now.

It's just a lot. There we go. We have a producer on this show that actively makes it harder to do the show. I love it. All right. This week's game comes to us from a listener, Ryan Murphy. If you guys would like to send your games, Witch of the Following or otherwise,

please send them to meanboyspodcast.gmail.com. If you send them to Witch of the Following, make sure it has five rounds. The last one is all real or all fake. Sometimes I get them and then I have three rounds and I can't look into obscure Barbie models to finish this. But thank you guys very much for your submission. Yeah, that's a lot of sweat.

Okay, Tom. He writes, since you didn't like my last one about wrestling moves, I'll class it up for you a bit. I liked it. How about some subjects mentioned in Tom Waits' lyrics? Oh, fuck yes. Tom is a Tom Waits fan and possibly character.

Yeah, Tom is like a... Romeo is bleeding. He is dehydrated to the point where he's probably not going to be able to distinguish those songs from his actual life. I'm very hydrated. He threw a table at the seaboat captain. He's been sleeping on the floor of the convention center.

Karate man kicked him out of school. Calling him from lots of payphones. Jets. Those are all real. We got like one Jets email I'll read later. But all right, let's get started. Which of the following is not a real subject in a Tom Waits song? A, buying a Nova from a Cuban Chinese.

Okay. B, stealing a radio from an Argentine deli. C, soaking day-old bread in kerosene. Or D, dying hair in the bathroom of a Texaco. As a guy who has shaved at a Denny's more than once, I can't talk shit. Well done. You've mystified Tom. Greg, any thoughts on this?

I'm going to go with the bread and kerosene. Bread and kerosene? Okay. Yeah, Tom Waits seems like he likes carbs. He probably wouldn't disrespect some perfectly good, you know, perfectly good rice. I mean, it's the kind of, that sounds like the kind of poetry he'd put into his songs. I'm going to say the B, the Argentine deli. I was thinking the same thing.

I'm going to go B too. All right, the fake one. B, stealing a radio from an Argentine deli. Tom's wet. Oh, my God. Just, the fake one. B. Stealing a radio from an Argentine deli. The top's wet. Oh my god. Just that slapping sound. Yeah, oh god. It sounded like a ham hitting a bigger ham. Yeah. It sounded like a seal tackling an ice cube.

Nope. Not even. A block of ice? A glacier! Alright. I'm the Foley artist for this movie where these two sweaty fat guys high five. How are we going to get the perfect scene? I know. We'll throw an ice cube at a seal.

All right. Round number two, which is the following. It's not a real subject. Tom Waits lyric. A, a pool cue with a limp. B, a sleeping necktie. C, Uncle Vernon who plays accordion at the slaughterhouse. Or D, a kid who's only an eyeball.

Can you read me A and B again? Oh, wait, no. The last one was from the third round. So A is a pool cue with a limp. B is a sleeping necktie. C is Uncle Vernon who plays accordion at the slaughterhouse. And D is Uncle Violet the bookie. A and B are both pretty accurate descriptions of Greg's body.

Sleeping neck time. Was that the wrestling move that did you in? I believe it was just a traditional power bomb. Power bomb. That's the worst kind of lottery to win, apparently. I was Nagasaki'd. Oh, shit. You guys can go first because I know for a fact...

Now you're getting made fun of by Fat Man and Little Boy. All right. Keith and Greg, if you guys want to weigh in, Tom knows the answer. I'm going to say D. All right. Uncle Violet the book you guys want to weigh in, Tom knows the answer. I'm going to say D. All right. Uncle Violet the bookie. Going with the necktie. Going with the necktie.

Tom, guys. What was C? C was Uncle Vernon who plays accordion at the slaughterhouse. Okay. I think both A and B are from the piano

he's been drinking. I'm saying C. All right. The fake one, C. Oh, you know, the fake one is A, actually. I read that wrong. Sorry.

Suck a dick. Dumb shit. The fake one is a pool cue with a limp. Some bar bullshit had a limp in that song. Yeah, maybe he's getting you on the details. Yeah, I think that's what he did. Well played.

Also, if you're writing the games, don't do that, because that makes it kind of less fun. Yeah, well... Let me just criticize this guy's work. I can't... Yeah, I can't remember. No, that was well played, because it's... I can't remember what it is, but it's some weird bar bullshit.

You find your bar has a limp. Well, you successfully outsmarted this exacerbated hedgehog as we move into the third round, which is the following. He's in a real-time wait. Blah, blah, blah. A, a pianist born with no torso. Hilarious.

B, a three-legged soccer player. C, a guy born with a second face on the back of his head That's just the first Harry Potter book Or D. A kid who's only an eyeball That's where that one goes Well, I gotta figure it's the eyeball one The eyeball one Alright, I see why they're going with the eyeball one

But I'm gonna go with the eyeball one Yeah, but my choice is E. I don't know this one, but I've never heard... I can't imagine... Well, I could. He could sing about anything, but I'm going to go soccer just because I feel like he'd call it football to be unique or some shit. I don't know.

I'm going to go soccer. All right. The fake one is the soccer one. What? No! No! For the most possible reasons. Nothing bums me out more than when Tom wins or anything.

I just can't imagine the context he'd sing about soccer. Tight. Yeah, I feel like a three-legged soccer player, I feel like that would only be useful if you were the goalie. Yeah. I feel like anywhere else you're just like a weird centaur, and one of them's probably shorter than the other one. You're good at taekwondo, though. I don't know else you're just like a weird centaur. And one of them is probably shorter than the other one. You're good at Taekwondo, though.

I don't know if you would be. I feel like that's just more shit to grab and tackle you. I don't think you know what Taekwondo is. You just kick people. Oh. We're on the rift. Come on inside. I was like, you know, this segment isn't really going anywhere.

Let me try to pull some comedy magic out of this three-legged soccer player idea. And I'm like, I don't think you'd actually be that good at soccer, guys. I got so bored, I forgot we were doing this show for a second. We're all losing water. This is a great game, though. Let's continue. Because you're winning with your dumb logic. I usually win at this game. No, all losing water. This is a great game though. Let's continue. Because you're winning with your dumb logic. I usually win at this game. No, you don't. In no way

is that true, you fucking liar. Mean Boys historians, go ahead and tally up Tom Goss' win ratio. But just preemptively, shut your fat mouth. Your logic is usually like, yeah, Keith picked A, and I don't know exactly what C is, so I'm going C. Yeah, you take nine minutes to pick a letter, and then get right, and I don't know exactly what C is, so I'm going C. Yeah, you take nine minutes

to pick a letter and then get right and then congratulate yourself. No, it takes ten minutes to remember what all of them were. You're playing a game where you have a 25% chance of winning, and then a 50% chance of the end, and then you routinely pat yourself on the back for getting one right every game. I get more than one, right?

All right. Keith, I was going to say, earlier you made a talking head reference. The lower two-thirds of my body doesn't work. Does that make me a talking head? I was going to call you the dangling heads. It's just kind of out there. No, you're more of like a quipping obligation. That would really hurt, man.

Oh, no. I'm sorry, Greg. Be nice to our burden. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. If you're in that situation, Greg has the power. You know how the Supreme Court has a judicial review

where they're going to be like, fuck you. Greg could just make you feel bad at any point. Yeah, you just exist quietly. You'll feel shame. Oh, man. Someone, I got this huge bruise

on my leg. He's like, oh, yeah, it must be nice to feel. Well, I feel okay shitting on your own because Greg beat me in a roast battle. Allegedly. Okay. Yes, but... I like how Greg is trying to diminish his own accomplishments.

Hey, that's what being disabled is all about. All right, guys. Don't give yourself a handicap. Well, the buzzsaw across the street has started up again, so it's time to continue the game. No, that's a Tom Waits lyric. Buzzsaw across the street has started up again, so it's time to continue the game. No, that's a Tom Waits lyric. Buzzsaw across the street. You're drowning out the wheelchair, boy. The sweaty circus man talks about his logic.

All right, round number four, for the love of God. A whale and a bird as a metaphor for a pedophile being kept away from his victim. That's A. That's all one answer. B, Satan trading silver bullets for a favor. That's awesome as hell. That's A That's all one answer B Satan trading silver bullets For a favor That's awesome as hell That's badass C

A bookie taking bets On a cockroach race Love it That's super cool Or D Instructions to a dance Called the Metropolitan Glide Wait is this all real

Or all fake No this is just One of them's fake I'm gonna go with D Metropolitan Glide Is what Greg uses to keep his wheels shiny. That's the lube that they put on the subway car so it can go through the tunnels easier. Is that a joke?

Kind of. Technically. Never want a raw dog tunnel, man. Nah. Well, you can still raw dog with lube. Yeah. Someone said that's the only way. Yeah, lube is not a protective force.

See, I'm all technical about it. I think you put anything on your dick, tears, spit, it counts. This explains why you have 90 children. I'm like, hey, Connor, could you get some spit on my dick, please? That's how I lube myself up. I just cry on my dick. Does it work like it used to i like i like that greg seems to just be playing the character like well they seem to just want to make jokes about this

so let me let them feel okay about it yeah i appreciate i just uh cry on my dick is that what you animals want thank you begrudging cool black friend ironically i'm just trying to make the disabled jokes more accessible i That was a good one. Uncle Tom of the handicapped community. Could I hear B and C that wasn't the cockroach one? Yes, normal Tom of the mentally handicapped community. Okay, B is Satan trading silver bullets for a favor. Okay.

And C is a bookie taking bets on cockroach races. I think it's the silver bullets thing. All right, Tom, go ahead. I know D is real. I'm going to go C. All right, Greg Roche. I already said D. All right, infuriatingly, Tom Goss. I know D is real. I'm going to go C. All right, Greg Roeke. I already said D. All right, infuriatingly, Tom is correct.

C. He's like, yeah, that was my racket during whatever weird camp I got sent to with the books, and I had to wear a uniform. God, you're four for four, aren't you? No, I missed one. I missed one. And the one he got me on was like... That's right.

It was the pool cue. Yeah, that was a good move. All right, moving into the final round, the all or nothing edition due to Tom Goss' lead. All real or all fake? I don't know. Fucking. I'm tired. All real or all fake?

A, an old waitress at an Idaho diner. B, a Romanian harpsichordist. C, selling Dominican cigars for a German bourbon. I got the hiccups. Or D, shooting dice in an alley with Hell's Angels. Are those all real or all fake? All real. I don't know.

I mean, I've won either way. There's nothing grosser than Tom scratching his beard like he's gonna knock some facts loose. Stop touching you. Stop it. Because it's just like, okay, there's a cookie crumb

that's an American spirit filter. You're like petting a dog that should have died. Look, I didn't recognize any of these. It sounds all real, but I'm going to go all fake just because I haven't heard any, and if it's wrong, then I deserve it. All right, Greg Roach. You look like a rooster from a painting of hell.

You going all real, Greg? Fucking God is dead dead those are all things i love tom waits man yeah well i mean you've gotten inside his head pretty well because you didn't even know most of those you just used your weird fucking mountain man intuition well done tom overweights almost almost almost all of them i knew at least one of them. How did that take us so long? I can't believe years of friendship, and it took us this long.

I'm disappointed in myself. Tom was just being real quiet, scratching his beard so he could tune in to the frequencies. He picks up on his feelings, and he's like, okay, I'm pretty sure cockroaches, they don't run in straight lines. Tom Waits probably knows that because he used to be an insect guy.

He read a lot of Franz Kafka, so I'm going to see. All right. Well, congratulations, you fucking sloppy mongrel. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back with the mailbag and plugs right after this. And so, even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream.

It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that I'm on a playground And it is the middle of the night And I'm sitting alone on the swings Eating an oversized lollipop And in that dream, my brothers and sisters There is a clown But he is not a fun clown, no

In this dream, he is the spookiest of clowns And he holds but one balloon in his hand and from his clown mouth emits that old-timey music do do do do do do do do do so on and so forth and you may be thinking perhaps the clown is a metaphor for the racial injustice that plagues us all but i say to you my brothers and sisters, no, it is just a clown-ass clown, and its eyes are untrustworthy. But this is not the dream I've come to tell you about today, my brothers and sisters.

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, sons of slaves and sons of slave owners will be able to share a table in brotherhood. I have a dream they are having a great time until they look at the waiter at their table and see that he is, in fact, the spooky clown. And they unite black and white as brothers in saying, get out of here, spooky clown.

Go back to your house in Clown Town. I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists and evil governor, one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and girls. And then as they hold hands, they will smile all creepy-like and sing, One, two, the clown is coming for you. Three, four, better lock your door.

And so on and so forth until I turn and find the clown behind me, ready to turn my body to a balloon animal. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain laid low, and every clown piled into a comically small Studebaker automobile, and driven to a safe and distant location. Then, and only then, we shall be free at last. Free at last. Great God Almighty, we are free of the clown at last. Wait a minute. Where is everybody?

Hiya, Marty. Aren't you gonna say hello? I will do no such thing away from me clown oh come on marty i got everything you want down here carnival rides and cotton candy and a signed apology for slavery from the federal government really sure see LBJ signed it himself He said he's real sorry And he's gonna stop letting the cops tear gas black people at the polls So, if I come down there My people can participate in democracy

Oh, yes They'll vote, Marty They'll vote And when. They'll vote. And when you're down here with me, you'll vote, too! And the Mean Boys podcast returns with the Mean Boys mailbag. What do we got from Santa this week, Keith? We don't have anything. Yeah, I think we forgot to post about it.

I posted about it this morning, but you said you had a couple emails in the sack. We do. Most of them are from the same guy, but he's a cool dude. The Big Meek writes, what's up, Mean Boys? It's Big Meek here. I guess I didn't say it was from Big Meek. He already covered that in the second sentence. I've been going over a lot of past episodes, and I recall you mentioning a few times about getting a Mean Boys catalog type thing together.

I happen to be that particular kind of autistic, parentheses, the kind where I tell the shrinks to suck a fart out of my ass, not the type where I declare myself Rorschach of the bus, and was wondering if that's something you would still be interested in. Hit me up. We can chat and all that. Love everything.

God is alive. I would love nothing more than if there was a Mean Boys wiki with very erroneous information edited in to make us all seem stupid. Yeah, that would be amazing. So if you want to do that, you have my complete blessing. Yeah, get down on fucking Wikimedia.

Yeah, and just the Tom Goss facts where it's just going to be like, somewhere in this period he threw the table at the fishing captain. Tom was born approximately 1432 BC when an asteroid hit a tub

of what the fuck are you talking about? Sorry, a barrel of what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like Superman, but missing pieces and shit. I'm like Superman with a missing neck. God, slam dunk. Yeah, some guy just,

somebody just wrote us, subject line, fuck. The message body just says, any time free, no punctuation. That one's from Praven Praven. Why did you even read that? That's so Praven. I don't know, dude.

The Praven's so nice. Yeah, I got free time, but I'm not giving it to you until I get more details. Fuck. Quote the Praven. Quote the Praven. Fuck. All right, man. All right.

Praven, Raven, Pudding, and Pie. This one, the name is Squad Gang Gang. Subjects, you are awesome. I'm just emptying out all the ones I haven't read because they don't make sense. By you, I mean the fat one. Keith Carey should add an S to the end of his last name because that's what he does for the show. That's a compliment. Tom Goss is a wild card, but Keith consistently surprises and amazes.

I'm not gay, but you'd all want to fuck me. Okay? Also, Connor should know that he's making the rest of us Connors look like dog shit. He doesn't riff. He riff-raffs the rapper. If Connor was in a gang, there'd be a Y

in the middle. Connor... Oh, gang. Connor will never be as creative or funny as Keith, so he should count his fucking blessings. Keith feels so bad he allowed Connor to hitch his radio flyer to his jizz-shooting star. Fuck everything, God is dead, squad gang gang.

This is my favorite letter to God. Keith, this was such a nice letter you wrote to us. I haven't gotten that much hate mail, so that was kind of refreshing. That's incredible. I've almost been a little... Oh, fuck, I forgot we had a hentai witch of the following. That would have been way funnier. You keep Tom Waits involved with this.

I would watch Tom Waits hentai. Sure. Put the tentacles in my darkness. Fuck in a squid on a boat in an alley. Play a guitar made of elephant bones. Hey guys, good news. We have another email from Squad Gang Gang. Yes! The email address

is gofuckyourselfatgmail.com Dude, Squad Gang Gang. You can be in my Squad Squad Gang. Do not believe that that's real. Alright, I'm going to be deleting some gay slurs from this one. Ah, come on. I'll say them for you. Alright, every time I point at you, you say it. I'm the Jamar button now.

AU's guys got a lot of noy you, you say it. I'm the Jamar button now. Okay. A-U's guys got a lot of noise firing that. Faggot. He was the bland canvas on which you skeeted your flavors on. I prefer the contrast. Tom Goss is funnier than you guys together times K-0-10. In all seriousness, I appreciate the effort put into your mediocre at best podcast and I do mediocre. Okay? God is dead, but I

bless you with spreading this garbage across my obviously large circle of pals. Fuck your mutt up with a fat Norwegian dick, you pussies. He writes the way I think. Did we get an email from Mark Molloy? I don't know. All right.

And we got one more email. Wait, that was from the same guy who said I was great and said I suck? Yeah, I think so. What a confusing asshole. He's all over the place. Keith actually... Oh, he's a different member of the gang. Keith requires a lot more validation than me. Isn't Squad Gang Gang what Taylor Swift calls her friends or something?

Squad Gang Gang is that song that annoying fat Korean dude sang a few years ago that we got our news. Oh, yeah. Squad Gang Gangdom style. Yeah, that's what the good Korea did, by the way. All right. I mean, neither of them were great.

That was the best thing that... I love that. That is the best thing that the good Korea did. So ask yourselves, do we really need to worry about that?

No, my girlfriend's mom lives over there, so be nice to Korea. North Korea is bad Korea. That's why we put in a quarter. Wait, did you say be nice to South Korea because I know one white lady who lives there. That's exactly the only reason you should be nice to them.

They've got a honky. Yeah, I'm kidding. Fucking North Korea is so dumb. They keep bombing the fucking ocean. How do you know they don't have a war with Aquaman or whatever? Or Poseidon. Look, if you want to get a Godzilla, you've got to break a few eggs, man. We've all learned Poseidon's on Team Korea.

Well, you know there's North Korean Godzilla, right? Is there? Yeah, they used to make these propaganda films in the 80s, and there's North Korean Godzilla. Just a fat white dude eating a sandwich. Kind of. It's just me. That's pretty awesome. Holy shit. If you went to Korea, People would just start shooting laser guns at you

We're going to have to do some research into North Korean Godzilla Okay, we have one more long email Hey, I assume Connor Because everyone knows that I usually answer the emails It's me, which I've got to figure is disappointing to a lot of fans Like I really want to talk to Tom But I mean he probably doesn't remember the password To the Gmail account

Yeah, I didn't know I got it. We didn't give it to you on purpose. We'll get legitimate business inquiries and Tom will be like, yeah, that sounds great. Can I have a sandwich? I like rye bread, but sourdough's fine. You can sponsor the show for 93 episodes. Just give me a parrot.

I like that Tom takes issue with not with the fact that he's retarded, but that I got his favorite bread wrong. As he drinks from a giant jug of water. Like an old-timey cowboy hobo. I could have three X's on it. You should be yelling about gold and where it is.

If Don Carlos wants to give me a parrot, I'll take it. When Tom drinks whiskey, is he a ham on rye? Alright. Come on, I thought that was alright. Well, my biggest problem with that is I All right. Come on. I thought that was all right. My biggest problem with that is I don't drink whiskey anymore. I do like whiskey, and then I also don't eat ham, and I don't like rye.

Everything you said was wrong, Greg. I bet you feel real stupid. It's me. This is basically like six things I wanted to say for the past few weeks, so I'm sorry if it sounds like Tom. I'm sorry I have passion. Tom. Also, Tom... What? Also, Tom... I'm sorry I have passion.

Also, Tom... So, Tom gets a lot of shit... Okay, there's a water bottle fight breaking out. Also, Tom gets a lot of shit, albeit deserved, but I can understand a lot of his thought processes. Probably says a lot about my own mental illness, but meh. To get the mandatory sexual harassment in, I love the laugh you do where it sounds like a twink being tickled. Weird. That's not exactly the laugh you do, though.

Not that. You know it. Yeah, put that in your fucking spank, Becky, and it creeps. If this show takes off, Don Carlos would be a shittier mecca. Okay. Here's some questions that explain my life more than I like to think. What band slash artist would win in a fight if they could use their abilities in their lyrics? For example, the Scorpions could rock you like a hurricane.

You didn't give us any two bands. I feel like the answer is obviously ACDC because every ACDC song is just about being made of dynamite and sex. I think it would be Kiss because then they would have a bunch of money through very good merchandising strategies. But also Satan. I get what he's saying. Kiss would just buy a bunch of Blackwater troops, and then just, you know... I'd say Beethoven.

No one would know how to fight him. Okay. What? I think you'd just punch him. He can't hear. Yeah, I love it. It was very simple. Make an easy pun based on lyrics.

I know. I'll pick a classical musician who never wrote lyrics. Okay. Second question. What do you do? Read. Second question. What do you do when you have a bunch of friends trying to kill themselves and they all more or less rely on you?

Writing this is my friend is getting stomach pumps from trying to OD on amphetamine three days after a second friend had to get his pump for trying to OD on muscle relaxants and has permanent nerve damage. Trying to keep a third from taking liquor and rat poison. I get a little overwhelmed is what I'm trying to say and could use some advice. I like that that question immediately followed. What if the scorpions really could rock you like a hurricane? Yeah, man, that question really shook me. Rock you like a Hurricane Harvey. How did we not get there?

Yeah, Tom, you really dropped the ball on that one. Yeah, that's pretty gnarly, man. As someone who's in this situation often, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, the best thing you do is just be a buddy, but also be like, man, you guys got to fucking handle you. Like, take care of yourself. Yeah, I mean. It's kind of like when you're being sexy in the bedroom.

You got to strike a strong balance between, know sensual and assertive i i think when when other people that you're close with they're going through that shit the only thing you do is be there for them that's it like if you take any more of the responsibility it's just going to hurt you and it's not going to help them yeah you got to be there for them in any way you can and uh but you can't you know like i think always be there don't, you know. Like, I think always be there, don't enable, you know? Yeah, I mean, enabling is different when everyone's just trying to kill themselves, you know what I mean? Like, no one's like, okay, but just on Tuesdays with suicide. But, like, you know, be a friend, let them know you care.

Walks in, it's my cheat day. Suicide Tuesday sounds like a gnarly family restaurant. But, yeah, just remember, it's, you know, do what you can, but it's out of your control. Be a good friend. That's all you can do. All right. I mean, like the same thing. I mean, you just got to be there.

I mean, like, I don't know. I've never touched a smack or any of that other stuff. But we were the same. Really? Narc from the 70s? Yeah. I'm Serpico, you know. But, no, I mean, like, that's the thing. Like, after I got

disabled and, you know, I got... I was depressed, people just told me to, you know, keep hanging in there, and I don't know what they meant by that for a second. But, uh, just be there for them, and, you know, but also, like, sometimes, I mean, you just gotta keep your distance, and you gotta, like he said, you gotta watch out for yourself, man. Yeah. Yeah, and I mean, you got to keep your distance. And like he said, you got to watch out for yourself, man.

Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, people kind of try to suck you down into that world. And you kind of got to be like, no, I'm going to be up here. I'm here. I got the hand down. But I'm not going to go. Yeah, I'm going to hang out up here.

You can come hang out with me. Yeah. It's also good to have your boundaries when you're dealing with that, like your own personal boundaries. Make them very clear. Let them know that if it's passing a boundary, it's not about them. It's just that's where you draw the line and just, yeah. I've heard when Tom is saying boundaries,

he's talking about building an actual cardboard fort. Yes. With aluminum. I want question three to be like goofy. Question three, what if your butt was a dick? Oh, stay tuned I'm glad that I finally found a fanbase In which I'm the normal one

If that's worth a few dollars That Tom Goss sticker is amazing Can I get one of those? Tom can't have any No, I'll give you a handful Some of the funniest things I've ever read are porn comments I'm trying to compile a few to send as a game Also, if you ever talk about this following bit, please don't use my

name. Oh, shit. We can go back and bleep it out. Alright. Yeah. Alright, we'll do that. Ageplay, parentheses, Adults in Diapers, as it is formally known, is actually really interesting and it's something I know a lot about. A lot about BDSM in general.

I'm also not some guy trying to justify his weird frettas. I don't even do that. I'm more on the side of DDLG as a DD. It's more to do with dominant and submissive relationships. And this is a really cathartic way of having someone else try to take care of

the day-to-day worries is what I hear often as a reason. I don't know why I'm telling you this, just rambling, and damn, this is a big wall of text. Anyway, I love the show. Do you know what DDLG is? Look, that whole thing, he was speaking on the internet, I have no idea what he was saying.

DDLG is like Dom Daddy Little Girl, so it's basically you're in a relationship with a girl, but not a real kid. Okay. But you're in a relationship with an adult lady, and you're like, oh, you just pretend you're like a little kid that I fuck. Like, that's what that is. Yeah, I mean, you know what? Here's the thing.

I used to date a girl who was into, like, weird age play stuff. Not for me. And the dominatrix who's done our live shows and stuff, Mommy Cat, she kind of specializes in that. I think it's fine as long as you don't actually fuck a kid. Yeah. Most things are fine as long as you don't fuck kids. That's true.

It's like, well, yeah, I mean, if you're a responsible gun owner and you keep it locked up and you don't do anything weird with it, but as long as you don't fuck a kid, that's fine. You can like a band that's bad, but as long as you don't put on their music and then fuck a kid. Tom can have that haircut as long as he doesn't fuck any kids. What does the haircut have to do with anything? We're running out of steam, Tom. I'm going to die. Was it a taxi driver reference?

That was pretty good. It's a good movie. Bang Bang Car Man. You know, it was Kill You Car Man. That's right. He just basically had a lot of questions about how to handle your life falling apart, the scorpions. And also a very big detail described his life falling apart. He's like, hey, diaper shit, isn't that weird?

Yeah, good on you, you creep. The Mean Boys live show is coming to Harvill's in Long Beach September 19th. We're also doing the crossover event, The Good, The Rad, and The Me. It's September 8th. Yeah, please pick your tickets up for that. All the donations are going to the Southern Poverty Law Center. It's going to be a fucking gnarly show. We've just started planning.

We're going to be showing one of the first Mean Boys video sketches. Yeah, this might be some cartoonish time action. A little bit of animation about a certain lord. The Fudge. It's the Fudge Lord. We made an animated video. It is I, the Fudge Lord. Attend or perish.

I am the Fudge Lord. Oh, yeah, this podcast is so good. Tom, what are you doing? Oh, boy. Okay, so... Plug your show. The same day at 7, a couple hours before, if you can't make that,

but you live in Mission Viejo, we'll have the very first Half and Laugh comedy show at It's a Grind. I'm sorry, is it called Half and Laugh? Yes. Unacceptable! The flyer is just like there's a cow, and then it's just Tom and Kelly like, There's some good comics on it.

This is the best impression of them Smiling dinks in a field September 14th I'll be at Chapter 1 in Santa Ana A new show And September 16th I'll be at Kitch Bar in Costa Mesa Cool, Greg Nothing much, I mean in October

I'm roast battling Nicole Buchanan Keep your eyes out for that Two good battles The lazy legs versus the lazy face September 8th, the crossover show September 12th, I will be headlining The Rec Room in Huntington Beach, California That's a great room

September 14th, I'm doing comedy In drag in San Diego with former guest Jen Scott. Keep your eyes peeled for my Facebook and Twitter for more information about that. And September 19th, live mean boys and hard bells. Yeah. Fuck everything. God is dead. He's a bully in the Holocaust. I love it.