Mean Boys - EP 78 - American Dumb Dumb (feat. Steve Rannazzisi)

Episode Date: September 11, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Steve Rannazzisi: Time Ranger", “Did They Die?”, "Activia", and a game of "Which of the Following" with hentai by @waywardcross. Come to the live Mean Boys 9/19 at Harvelle's in Long Beach: longbeach.harvelles.com/event.cfm?cart&id=265462 Buy the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounge Chair here: www.amazon.com/dp/B073Y4V36F Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: http://mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Listen to Steve's podcast: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/hear-me-this-book/id1201633295?mt=2 Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Steve Rannazzisi on Twitter: twitter.com/steverannazzisi Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys podcast. Hey everybody. Happy 9-11. Woo! With Steve Ranazizi. I am so excited. Oh man, never have I been so stoked that a famous person didn't put two and two together in time and not make a mistake.

Poor guy. Now, follow Steve, listen to his new podcast. He was so much fun. He was really a good sport about this whole thing. Yeah, Steve's awesome. And look, I know you guys will probably be mad that we didn't give him the business on 9-11 more than we did but frankly he's a millionaire with a career and a family who came to our crack house to do a shitty podcast so i but he's and the truth is my plan was like

okay as soon as the show stops being funny i'll bring up 9-11 and just run it into the ground he actually stayed funny the whole time. Oh, he was great. And Steve's a fucking nice guy. He's always been real cool to us. So that's what it is. It's a lot of fun. I think you guys are going to like it. We're sponsored as always by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Conveniently located across

the street from the La Jolla Comedy Store. Go to eataburrito.com for all your burrito internet related needs. The finest Mexican food money can buy. And check this out. Maybe you ate your Don Carlo's burrito. You're feeling your burrito internet-related needs. The finest Mexican food money can buy, as I've said many times. Maybe you ate your Don Carlos burrito. You're feeling kind of sleepy. You want to lay down on something. But oh no, you don't have a couch.

Well, I mean, I could, like, in theory, blow one up in a long, arduous process. Yeah, or you could go fuck yourself, and you could buy a Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounger. Whoa, what, Keith? Hell of a segue. The Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounger, again, is a sponsor of the mean boys podcast uh it's inflatable furniture it doubles as a pool toy you can take it on land on sea anywhere you want to go it rolls up conveniently wait wait so this comes in probably like just brown and and taupe no it comes in an ass load of colors whoa and what kind of colors uh i'll have you know i still have not received that information okay i was setting you up for

fun colors keith but yeah you missed that one oh yeah fun that kind of color how about red probably yeah there's no uh presumably blue yeah i want to say uh taupe i think that's a color i already said taupe that was one of my boring colors when i was hyping it up wow anyway well here's what you do with this thing you use the patented uh fat fuck scoop air technology yeah there's no external pump you don't have to blow shit up. Yeah, if you've ruined your lungs through years of smoking or, you know, yelling or just being me. Yeah, exactly.

Or just being a fat guy that doesn't move unless it's completely necessary. We're really selling to our demographic. Hey, are you disgusting? Yeah, well, get yourself a fucking air blob to sit your fat ass onto. You scoop air into it.

Some kind of shit happens. I don't have one yet, so I don't really know, but it sounds cool. And then you sit on it and wait for death. And guess what? You get a 20%, I think, 20% discount if you click on the Amazon link in the show notes and use the promo code Ninja. Also in the show notes this week, The Big Meek, you can follow him on Twitter, one of our longest, most diehard supporters has created a

Mean Boys wiki. So if you'd like to read the poorly grammarized, misspelled ramblings of The Big Meek or contribute an article yourself, you can go check that out. Yeah, and if somebody with a 10th grade reading level would like to go fix that, that would be amazing. I like the charm of having this ramshackle just broken down

shed of a wiki oh completely yeah it's like one of those this is the internet version of like one of those gas stations where it's like we're just selling whatever fell off the truck this month you know yeah yeah but it is pretty cool uh thank you for making that and uh yeah go fuck around on that go uh go input some info guys if you're wondering what to get me for 9-11, and I know a lot of you probably are, might I suggest a Mean Boys iTunes review? We're at 97 reviews, Keith. And once we get to 100, we get to hang out with Marc Maron. All right?

We get free MeUndies. I'm going to make MeUndies and Mack Weldon cage fight it out for our fucking sponsorship. All right? As of right now, I don't endorse either of those products. All right? My fucking... I'm free-balling until further notice. Yeah, my approval my approval is up for grabs yeah my nuts are a free agent baby uh this is one we got that i absolutely fucking loved he who fights with monsters should look

to it that he himself does not become a monster and if you gaze long enough into the abyss the abyss also gazes into you f niche a review of a. A review of a comedy podcast. And that's how many stars? Oh, that'd be fine. Beautiful. We got a Kurt Vonnegut one. We're getting just a bunch of weird fucking negative like poetry excerpts. So go leave us one of those. You can be Review 100 or if you're Review 98 or 99, just fucking help

us out, alright? And if you think that you, you know what? I'd like to do that, but I wish I could involve my credit card information. The Mean Boys Patreon is always there. That's 100%. We've been getting a lot of fun donors. We have a lot of fun shit planned. We got some good bonus content this week, just telling school

stories mostly. That was a good time. Memory lane. And other than that, you gotta come to the live show at Margo's. By the way, quick note before we plug that, I want to thank everybody who came to the good, the rad, the mean, by which I mean not Connor. Yeah, way, quick note before we plug that. I want to thank everybody who came to the good, the rad, the mean, by which I mean not Connor. Spoiler alert, we gave you a lot of shit about

that. Oh, good. I'm excited to hear it. You'll hear and see very soon. But if you guys came to that, we raised a shit ton of money for the SPLC who do a lot of really good work. We also gave them a couple ninja lounges. I don't know what they're going to do with those. I'm just kidding. We did not. No, we didn't. Mercy no. In no way, do we. We didn't even give them the 20% discount. I don't know what they're going to do with those. I'm just kidding. We did not.

No, we didn't. Mercy no. In no way do we. We didn't even give them the 20% discount. We didn't even price. Yeah, we didn't even send them a cooler full of California

burritos. And for those of you who have been tweeting and asking because you were out of town, we will be putting the audio and some of the video up for

that. Tom Goss took his first go around with the dominatrix this time and it got uncomfortable. I cannot wait to see that.

It's pretty great. So stay tuned for that. Thank you for coming. September 19th, Harvell's in Long Beach. Live Mean Boys. 8.30 p.m. Already confirmed. We've got some Mean Boys favorites.

Kelly Ryan, the female Tom extraordinaire, will be there in the flesh as well as... And Nat Bymel, Jew of Note. Yeah, aka Fats Baymel. I forgot about Fats Bymel. Yeah, he showed me someone on Reddit who was like, bro, you got to do more Fats Baymel. Just like commenting on one of his stand-up shots. I.A. Fats Bayamel I forgot about Fats Bayamel Yeah he showed me Someone on Reddit Who was like Bro you gotta do more Fats Bayamel Just like commenting On one of his stand up shots

I saw that Yeah this character That is objectively There's nothing behind it Yeah So that's September 19th At 8.30 Pick up your tickets

Follow us And we'll be tweeting The link out very very soon Yeah it'll be in the show notes too Yeah Other than that Enjoy a 9-11 Christmas spectacular

With Steve Rantazizi. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Half of marriages end in divorce and the other half just takes selfies with craft beer. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Steve Renizzisi. I'm Tom Goss. And I'm...

A white power ice cream cone. Yep. We've already spent a good 20 minutes today making fun of Connor's shitty mohawk. Yep, it's going on day four of the mohawk and it has not gotten any easier. Yeah, we talked about this on the Patreon stuff, but for anybody, regular listeners who haven't heard yet, Connor let Tom give him a Mohawk, and it went exactly how you thought it would. It wasn't my fault. I cut my own hair, and it looks better than that.

That's on his head. Connor did this. No, it doesn't. Steve just started investigating the infrastructure. The neck is gnarly. You have neck hairs that are longer than the top of your head. Yeah, no, it's pretty. You have like eight different lengths of hair on your head.

I know, and the shortness is up there. After the Marine Corps put that serum in him, it's kind of gone haywire. Steve, any quick reactions to the fucking Mohawk? Oh, I mean, you look like, I said, a Croatian money launderer. Who just got here like three months ago. You're like, this is some great America. I'm just a guy hanging out in the back of the bodega with a lead pipe all day. You got into the dogfighting business for the love of the game.

I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean we're going to take a cut of the bets? I thought this was just to make it more exciting. I mean, I thought we were going to make our money off the popcorn. This is a non-profit dogfighting ring. Yeah, just the refreshments. We're like, oh, my God, fucking $8 for a Miller High Life. I just want to fucking come see the dogfights.

Two drink minimum, buddy. Two drink minimum. Yeah, welcome. Steve Ren is easy to the studio. Thank you. Thanks for having me, guys. What I feel bad about with the guests. I feel bad asking a person who has a career to do this or a person who has a family to do this.

Steve has both. I mean, it's really just rude of him. He had to park his car in this neighborhood. I parked it behind three garbage pails, which seemed to be okay. And then I was like, this doesn't seem... I was literally behind the garbage. The garbage pails were towards the street. And I was like, no, I'm going I was literally behind the garbage. The garbage piles were towards the street. And I was like, no, I'm going to move.

Just moved around to another spot. Well, because you know the waste management guy is just going to be like, I guess I can just hit this guy with my big fucking trash can. You know how those things go in and just pick it up? I'm just picturing it going into my door. And then your car is getting forklifted into a dump truck. If I got more, you guys could charge extra. It's like, sorry, you shouldn't have been in this neighborhood.

All my shit's gone. That's actually what you do anytime there's a Mercedes in Echo Park, is you have to flip it into the back of the fucking green thing. Yeah, exactly. Okay, well, it's already 500 degrees. We've run out of steam. I think it's time to get into our first segment. Let's do the Mexican Joke Off, gang.

Hi, so topical. Oh, boy. All right. I guess I'll take us away this week. Cool. Fucking shit, here we go. Donald Trump told Houston flood survivors to, quote, Oh, boy. All right. I guess I'll take us away this week. Cool. Oh, fucking shit. Here we go. Donald Trump told Houston flood survivors to, quote, have a good time.

This was after he told a rape survivor, I sent the $10,000 for this month through Western Union. Just wait a few days for it to clear, Carol. Jesus Christ. Did he really say that? He did, yeah. I just like the idea that he thinks they're just boogie boarding through the wreckage of a city. Yeah, no. I mean, he did the same thing where he was like, he's walking to the helicopter. He's like, any words for the hurricane, people facing the hurricane?

He's like, good luck, guys. He's the same guy that looked up into the sun when everyone talked. Like, he's like, Mother Nature does nothing. You can't defeat me, Mother Nature. I fear not Earth. Who elected the sun? Okay, I'm greater. All the lizard conspiracy people must have lost their mind when he looked directly into the sun

That's not lizard politics He's clearly charging up Yeah that is classic lizard shit Yeah he's charging up to learn to fly Or something Wait is the lizard thing that says he's in the Illuminati Yeah Donald Trump's not in the Illuminati

There's gotta be a separate Illuminati. He could be their mascot. You know, like a Pepe the Frog or whatever the fuck they call him. Pepe the Frog? I don't, I get lost. You don't have a Pepe the Frog? The green racist frog, see? Pepe Le Pew the Frog?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know that raping frog? Yeah. That we're all okay with. And then 2000. Frog did rape. 12 happened and we're like, oh, okay, this is maybe a bad...

Maybe we'll cut those out of reruns. Japan debuted the first ordained robot priest, which performed services for the first time this week. The company is hoping to launch a Muslim model in time for CD Ramadan. Jesus Christ. They don't all have to be Trump rape jokes. Some of them can just be whimsical.

Yeah, I guess that's true. My turn, right? Yeah. Zeke Elliott, Ezekiel Elliott, the football player for the Cowboys. Yeah, he's already going to be bad. Six-game suspension for domestic violence. He got upheld in court. But due to scheduling issues, he'll still get to play against the Giants this week,

which is great for the Cowboys because now he gets to beat up on 53 more pussies before going to surface. I have him on my fantasy team. So you're going to play him this week. Yeah, fuck yeah. And then just fuck the rest of the season. Yeah. Yeah, six weeks. We talked a couple weeks ago about starting a fantasy like celebrities beating up women league.

It's like he gets to play because of his scheduling. Because his ruling didn't come in in time, he gets to play. That's fucking nuts. Even though he's guilty of horrific crimes against his girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I guess there's... Scheduling. Yeah.

I don't know if this is... But guys, we had the pink stripes for domestic violence. That's right. The whole month of October. It's like we do not support violence against women, but we all have a thing at three, so we're just going to move this up. But the cheerleaders serve drinks to the sands now. Oh, jeez.

The cheerleaders are all just in hazmat suits on the other side of the field. Yeah, what if they have them wearing that stuff to actually cover up the black eyes? Oh, God. Tom, you're up. In a fight for school supplies, a woman brandished a gun at a Walmart, making her the ruler of that Walmart. I think that's how you become manager there. Yeah, they're just like, all right, let's get your vest. Yeah, you buy the gun in aisle two and then use it.

That's how you become the ruler. When I worked at Walmart, I worked there on Black Friday one year, and I saw the gnarliest shit I've ever seen. There was an old lady who picked up the last of these TVs that were on sale, and then just this big Orange County cholo just ran up and just kicked her in the stomach. In the stomach? Yeah. It was full on, like, this is Sparta. He just hauled back and just bottom of the foot in her gut, and she just went down.

And then he just quietly takes the TV and goes to check out. And we all saw it happen, but nobody was going to be like, well, hey, I'll take the next kick. Yeah, exactly. We're like, you can be a problem for someone outside. I'm going to have to stay an hour after my shift to give a police report if I just. Yeah, or I could. You get overtime for that time and a half at least if you get to fill out a police report

after hours. You think, right? Yeah. You guys need to watch the video because one of the funniest things is they're all beating the shit out of each other and the other one pulls out the gun and you see the two employees and they're just kind of staring at her

and she pulls out the gun and this one black employee turns around and he's like, no. Yeah, I've seen how this story ends. Fucking nah, though. And she runs through the wall, Kool-Aid man style. Puts on a Kmart vest and just like, you know, stares at his shoes.

A portion of the 134 freeway will be named after President Obama. This motion will replace the freeway's previous name, the Armenian Superhighway. Goes right through Glendale. Yeah, that's exactly the stretch that he gets because he went to Occidental College. And you know what you want to do on a podcast

is regional humor. I know, we made a shock about that. You want to get to a podcast is regional humor. That is going to be relevant. I know. We made a shock. You want to get to my Latuna fire joke. Hell yeah. A website reported that a Pennsylvania couple saw an image of Jesus in a sonogram of their unborn baby. In related news, a more honest website reported that a Pennsylvania couple are about to have a fucking ugly baby. Because he looks like Jesus. Jesus isn't ugly. mean i mean for a baby

i've seen ugly jesus in some churches but then there's some like beautiful jesus's generally jesus is kind of hot also jesus started out as a baby they could mean baby jesus i mean how would you know though i mean you're wearing a shirt that says i'm jesus like if you showed me a sonogram of like a black baby and a white baby like I couldn't tell the difference between any baby. I'm like, I don't know if this baby has an extra leg. I never even see the baby. I can definitely tell you the difference between a black baby and a white baby. The difference is the divorce.

That's a father. You have to know that. When that baby comes out, you're like, hey, hold on. Something's not right here. You're holding up paint swatches. Wait a minute. When you look at the sonogram, could you see it? Because I've seen sonograms of myself, and I'm like, this looks like fucking nothing, Mom. No, they all look Wait a minute. When you look at the sonogram, could you see it? Because I've seen sonogram of myself and I'm like,

this looks like fucking nothing, mom. No, they all look like a peanut. Yeah, it's like shitty baby radar. You can't really figure out what's going on in there. It's the best picture you've ever taken, Connor. This is going to be a fun podcast

for your kids to listen to. He's like, yeah, I felt nothing. I was like, yeah, I don't know. My wife has to take a big shit or something. My turn, right? Yeah. This isn't even a joke.

Good, neither the rest of mine. Sarah Huckabee just looks like she's happy when she's fucking her dad. That's it. I've watched

a lot of these press conferences. She just looks miserable when she's giving economic stuff, whatever, but I can just tell she probably only is happy

when she's fucking her old dad. Yeah, I can just tell she probably only is happy when she's fucking her old dad. Yeah, I gotta figure, well, my company seems like the kind of guy to have like a weird

creepy Tyler's and Tiara's kind of like relationship. Yeah, absolutely. Where he's like, Sarah, you're not wearing enough makeup

before you go out. You're not produced enough for my daughter. I feel like she started and he was like, I don't want to fuck my daughter. And she's like,

shut up, pussy. Just kind of bullied him into it. Yeah, she's got like the worst like nightmare. Just kind of bullied him into it. Oh, God. Yeah, she's scared. Like, the worst, like, nightmare I think I could have is, like, customer service environment, she has an expired coupon.

Like, you know, like, she seems like she would just go ape shit. And she's like, so it's the third. But since it's 12 hours different, I can't have the extra fucking cup of Clorox. It's not about the dish towels. It's about the principal. And then you're stuck there for 45 more minutes. She returned shoes, like, six months later. Oh, God. And in the dream, she's like about the dish towels. It's about the principal. And then you're stuck there for 45 more minutes. She returned shoes like six months later. Oh, God.

And in the dream, she's like, can I speak to your manager? And I look down at my vest and I'm like, I am the manager. You're like praying for that Walmart chomo to

show up. Oh, fuck. Can Sean Spicer come back, please? The Boston Red Sox were busted cheating in baseball using Apple Watches.

Bostonians are defending themselves saying, We told you we liked them apples. We told you we liked them apples. There goes my third joke. My favorite thing is that you knew that was terrible, so you just repeated it. You got to double down on your bad. That's actually the only time Tom's ever talked about fruit on the show. I love that Boston is two for two on about fruit on the show. I love that

Boston is two for two on sports teams just stealing now. Half of Englishmen were actually unable to identify the vagina on a woman. In their defense, it is hard to look at an English woman naked long enough to point to it. Because they're ugly.

I've seen a lot of hot English women. So have I. That's why I felt kind of bad about this one. You racist. I went to England and everyone looked undercooked. Everyone looked like if you put a toothpick in them, you'd be like, another five minutes. If you spend the whole time looking in the mirror? Damn, that hurts. When I went to England, I felt like it was like, first of all, it's shocking that this many of us have been to Europe.

I haven't been to Europe. I was there for three hours in an airport. You're not allowed to leave the country because you're technically a chemical weapon. I've been to Japan. Okay.'t been to Europe. I was there for three hours in an airport. You're technically a chemical weapon. I've been to Japan. Okay. Yeah, they love chemicals there. I feel like every chick in England is kind of hot, but an attainable hot. You know what I mean? I feel like that's what I like.

I'm like, oh, you're like a charming dog. So you were like fucking Templeton at the fair? Which one shall I choose? Yeah, exactly. Just scoop it up. Do I want crooked teeth or weird stomach? You're not going to get a... There's like very few tens. Elizabeth Hurley's an English ten. Kate Beckinsale. But there's like scoop it up. No, do I want crooked teeth or weird stomach? Banging through a sea of buck teeth. There's like very few tens.

Elizabeth Hurley's an English ten. Kate Beckinsale. But there's like, that's it. Well, we just import them here once they get hot enough. Everyone else has a problem. We send over

a Planet of the Apes squad that just nets up all the hot British people. We have the same system with the hot English people as we do with alligators. We're like, all right,

if you're big enough, flush them down the toilet, send them over. Who's the one bitch that dresses like a pirate? A lot of people. Oh, is that her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would argue English men are better looking than English women.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, probably. I've hooked up with more English men. So, all right. Cool. Let's see. Is it my turn? No, I think I'm up next.

A man charged with possession of child pornography claims he's innocent because he is blind. He also denied a molestation charge saying, quote, those were tits? I thought it was braille. Wait, he's blind? Because she had small tits. Thanks, Stephen. And sometimes the nipples have

little dents in them, too. Yeah, you get those SOS nipples. Well, yeah, I thought I just – well, was it – I have a lot of questions. I don't have a ton of answers for you. If it's just pictures, I guess if you had the sounds, you could listen to it. Okay, but like he didn't get it on accident. Like do you know how hard you have to drop your phone that it accidentally downloads a gigabyte of child pornography? Also think about how easy it is to frame a blind man.

Like that – you know what I mean? That was said with the tone of a man who has plans. I don't have plans, but if that was... It's a lot smarter to frame a blind man that way than to just be blind and have a bunch of kids. Tom Goss wrote the worst season of Daredevil ever. Matt Murdock is discovered

with weird finger-bang tapes on his His video cane Fuck I had one more thing But it's gone I'm so hot My last joke was an Apple Watch joke Was it the same Apple Watch joke? Yeah well it wasn't the exact same joke Yeah do it anyway

Yeah the Apple Watch Was used in the Red Sox stealing signs Which is the first success story for the Apple Watch. It sucks. That's true. Does anyone have one? Do you have one? I have one?

No. It's a Fitbit. It's expensive. I can't afford an actual Apple. Well, I figured with the luxurious, what is this, your chamber that you hold detainees in or something like that for ransom? Yeah, this is where we process the foodies from the Children of Men. Steve had the best reaction to being here

that anyone's ever had. We sat down and were like, yeah, thanks for coming into the studio. He just goes, yeah, okay, studio. Steve, would you say that this is the hottest building you've ever been in? It's not the warmest, but it's above what my normal temperature

would be happy with. I'm uncomfortable. That's what I'm... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's spend like 20 more minutes on this. Definitely. Did you guys notice it was hot? All right.

Elon Musk has claimed wars in the future will be over technology. The South is already doing reenactments of Robert E. Laptop's fight to banish all of the Blackberries. Robert E. Laptop. fight to banish all of the Blackberries. Robert E. Laptop. I saw that story, too. God damn it. He thinks North Korea is number 400 of things that we should be worried about. Yeah.

AI security is number one. I don't even know what that means, which scares the fuck out of me. I was reading, too, and he started an AI company and basically his logic is like, well, they're not listening to me, so I'm just going to make the best one. I'm like, oh shit,

that's going to be the one that kills us. Well, yeah, he's fucking Iron Man. He's like, I privatized like, you know, world security. Although he's probably jealous of North Korea because their rockets work. Suck it, SpaceX. Not jealous to Houston, am I right?

Have you guys seen the article about the Facebook bots that were created and they stopped communicating with people and started communicating with each other? What the fuck? Yeah. No. Every once in a while, I'd join a Counter-Strike server and it would just be bots. I'm like, there's just been robots killing each other. What did you just say?

Counter-Strike server? It's like a video game. It's like a shoot-em-up video game. It sounds way cooler than it is. Is this on the sub-internet? Yeah, yeah. Is this a the sub-internet? Yeah, yeah. Is this a spy kid's house? I go into one of those

dark rooms and, you know, pay 40 bitcoin to watch a kid get hit with a hammer. No, it's not. You do look like someone, like a rich person would pay to come over and play video games

with their kid, though. Here's like a rent-a-friend. I have to pay for $100 an hour. My N64 Escort. Show me how to stun, kid. All right, look. We're just going to look

at all the fucking crazy shit about Conker's bad fur day, drink a couple juice boxes, and then hold hands and fall asleep. And you just join these servers and people set them up, and if there's not enough people playing, they have robots playing so you can play along. But I joined one, and I'm like, there's just been robots fighting alone in this server for

decades while nobody joined it. And I'm like, that's so creepy. Yeah, we just built an incubator to teach machines how to kill. Yeah, yeah how freaky is that terminator might just be wrong because of the date like it's getting scary well yeah and then putin was like yeah whoever controls ai will control the world and i really think putin just saw that elon musk article and he's like let's stir the pot over here all right let's uh let's do this one north korea detonated sixth and largest nuclear test this week. In response, local newscasters around the country said,

Ugh, fine, we'll learn how to say Pyongyang. Yeah, I just love when the white southern dude is on KTL Fuck or whatever, and he's like, The news that Pyongyang is we're all going to die. All right. Yeah, here we go. The FDA reports that thousands of opiate addicts are abusing drugs prescribed to their dogs. Find out more in the forthcoming book, The Tennis Ball Diaries.

Oh, man. Steve, you're tapped. Tom, you want to talk here? Police are looking for the person copycatting the new It film by putting red balloons on Storm Dreams. The police currently have 30 suspects and will be interrogating them as soon as they all can pile out of their car. Because they're clowns. That's correct, yes. Fuck yeah, man.

Look, I had a couple hits early, and now this is where we slide out. There was this video that was, like, they're promoting that movie and they had like a dude dressed as like the scary clown and basically he was like hiding in a gutter. People would just walk by and he would just like get rocketed out.

Don't fuck that. And I'm like, that dude is gonna get stabbed to death. Yeah, no, if that happened to me. Or shot. Yeah, for sure. Depending on where he is. Yeah, well, yeah,

don't fuck around in Mexico with that. Like the cartel is just gonna fucking behead a clown. Oh, in my neighborhood, every year on Halloween there'd be a dude who dressed like a clown and had those knee pads where he could skid and make sparks oh yeah

i'm like i really just wish i could have been full size and just beating the fuck out of that 15 year old dude as soon as you scare me and i realize you're human i'm gonna beat the fuck out of you like i i don't know i realize you're here it takes a couple seconds wait how many times you've been scared that it wasn't human? Animals you're talking about? Or are you talking about like what else is happening? Yeah, a lot of animals. Animals, ghosts. You got one spaceship with the probe.

One guy that had the whole thing that he said he was half man, half wolf. That whole centaur situation. The guy that did the blood Capri Sun thing with my neck and made me all angry once a month. That tree that came alive. The car that turned into a dude that went to space. Well, no, they don't look human. My first reaction,

ah, fuck, one of these things from the books. And then as soon as they're not that, you fucking beat the hell out of it. You don't go around scaring random strangers. I like that you're saying this like this is all airtight logic. Yeah, you should say that. I don't understand.

Where's the hole? Where's the hole? Where's the hole? Probably in one of your glands. A lot of my, yeah, there's a lot of them in my brain. You've got to take Tom to Not Scary Farm. No, fuck that. If anyone touches me, I'm going to drop someone. Have you ever done the Universal one?

No. The zombie one where you walk through it, they'll be on the ground. You don't even see them. Yeah, I'm going next week, and I'm trying to talk Tom into going with me. I did the Disneyland one. It was great. There were just kids getting candy, and I be on the ground. You don't even see them. Yeah, I'm going next week, and I'm trying to talk Tom into going with me. I did the Disneyland one. It was great. There were just kids getting candy, and I was on that. Yeah, the Disneyland one is nothing because it's for three-year-olds.

Right, yeah. You're not going to punch anybody. Maybe you will, but that would be really funny for me. Tom, we're going to put a GoPro in your mohawk, you know, and hide it. Oh, my God. Tom, please come with us. Just, like, film you trying to deal with haunted houses. Yeah, no, maybe.

I don't know. We'll discuss this off-air, but I really think it'd be funny. I just don't want to accidentally punch somebody. I'm joke off tap. That's my biggest fear. I have one more extremely bad one. All right, close it out soft. Scotland announced plans to phase out

any new fossil fuel-powered cars by the year 2032. Upon being commended for his act of conservation, the Department of Transport had said, conservation? No, we're just stopping just because car math is hard. We're riding bikes. I like that that joke was about 70% stammering. Yeah, I was trying to make the delivery more natural. Yeah, Tom. Don't turn on this. You're still the dumb one. Do you have another one?

No, I'm tapped out. Oh, okay. Fuck, okay. North Korea continued to fire missiles into the ocean. If you want a different kind of over-anticipated, ineffective, big splash, check out Connor McSpadden. The nearest bar of cholo has been stabbed at.

Or Keith Carey in a bathtub. That was all one syllable. I have a news story I didn't finish the joke for, but it's pretty amazing. An English woman on a first date broke her date's toilet, threw the poop out the window.

The poop got stuck on a ledge, and then she got stuck on the window trying to get the poop. Yeah, you fucked up. That was going to be one of the things for the next segment. Okay, well, cool. Foreshadowing. Yeah, we'll get into That was going to be one of the things for the next segment. Okay, well, cool. Foreshadowing. Yeah, we'll get into that in the next one. Sounds awesome. Yeah, it's pretty great. Alright, the Mean Boys podcast will be back.

Here's the thing. September 11th, 2001. The 103rd floor of the World Trade Center's North Tower. 8.45 a.m. So, going forward, just be aware of the changes to the system and start logging sales in the new spreadsheet. And then I think that's just going to be a little bit easier for everybody.

All right. Do we have any questions before we break? Linda in the back. Yeah, I have a serious issue to discuss. Oh, come on, Linda. Not another one of these. Excuse me. Excuse me.

I didn't complain when you had to have a 20-minute conversation about which font to use on the TPS reports, did I? No, no, no. Did I? You guys, let's just let her get it out so we can get back to work. Thank you, Sharon. On Friday, I brought a six-pack of strawberry Activia yogurts to the office. I ate two of them. So imagine my surprise when I walked into the break room this morning and found there were only three yogurts remaining. Now, I'm not a mathematician.

You're an accountant. You're literally a mathematician. But the last time I checked, six minus two was four. Somebody stole my Activia and I demand justice. Alright, gang. Please make a point to make sure you don't take other people's food out of the break room fridge. Alright, gang. Let's get back to it.

No, no. I'm not leaving this room until I know who took my Activia. Is it really that big of a deal? This is the single most important thing in the world today. Oh, my God! Holy shit, what happened? Is everyone okay? No.

Oh, my God. Linda, are you hurt? Yeah, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that one of my co-workers would steal my fucking Activia. We're back into a corner here Castro's not budging Cruise shift's not budging Bobby, it's looking like I might be the last president Don't say that, Jack

We figured out how to get that hooker out of Teddy's chimney And we'll figure this out too You're right We survived sex Christmas and we'll survive this I just feel like we need a fresh set of eyes. Who the fuck are you? I'm Steve Ranazizi. All right.

I was on that show, The League. Yeah, I heard that was good. Okay. What the fucking shit are you doing here? I'm a time traveler. There was a rip in the reality stream, and I have to go back through history and save the future from tragedies like these. I knew I shouldn't have done acid with that Puerto Rican broad during the primaries. Jack, how do we know we can trust this guy?

He might be a Russian operative or a Yankees fan or something. First, Yanks for fan or something. First, Yanks for life, bitch. Second, fuck you. I was in Paul Blart Mall Cop. I thought you said you were trying to stop tragedies. Wait, why do I know what Paul Blart is? Now listen, you have to remove the missiles in Italy and Turkey and then Khrushchev will pull his

out of Cuba. It's the only way out of this. I can't appear weak on the global stage, Steve Rizzoli and Isles. You can't appear weak on the global stage, Steve Rizzoli and Isles. You can't imagine the embarrassment of being made a fool on the world stage. My career could be over. I think I can, Mr. President, and it's better to have a little hiccup

in your reputation than to hold onto your pride and hurt the people around you. And as for your career, well, I have a feeling you'll be headlining the improvs and doing co-stars on New Girl again in no time. You know, this Chris D'Elia hack might actually be on to something, Bobby. You know, he might be right. Wait, you're from the future, right?

Yes, I'm a time ranger. Is there anything else we should know? Well, I'm not allowed to alter the past, so no, not really, no. Anyways, got to run. Remember, missiles out of Turkey. Convertibles are cool, huh? And Bobby, I think you are presidential material. You should run someday.

I hear California is really nice this time of year. All right, guys. Seems like you got this later. All right, Bobby, you heard that metrosexual chimp. Let's get to work. Teddy, what are you doing here? It happened again. God damn it, Ted.

All right, Bobby, get on the red phone with the Kremlin. O'Donnell, get the broom and some garbage bags. We got to clean up a mess. All right, and the Mean Boys podcast is back with one of our favorite games on the show. This is a game called Did They Die? And the name of the game is the rules of the game. We're going to go through some news stories from this week. And you guys have to figure out if these people died or not.

And we'll start with this one because it was going to be one of the ones. But it was about the lady who tried to throw her shit out the window. Yeah, the poopy pants. Yeah. So, I mean, obviously we know. Well, actually, I guess we don't know what happened with her. Well, you hinted.

I do, but do you guys think that lady died? So yeah, so just to clarify what happened, she took a dump, she was on her first date, she took a dump in this dude's toilet and then it went flush, tried to throw it out, and it basically got stuck between two windows. And then rather than just break the window,

she tried to climb down between the two windows. Kind of like how these windows overlap, but with a little more space. Oh, my God. And then got very, very stuck. So the question is, did that lady die while trying to grab her poop? I'm going to say yes, and I'll tell you why. Okay.

Because the only reason you'd have all those... No, actually, you know what? I'll take it back. I'm going to say no. The only reason why is you'd only have all those details if she lived. Well, I mean, you can piece it together. I mean, it's like, where did you meet this lady? Piece the shit together? English Tinder.

Yeah. I like the guy who has to reconstruct the shit in the lab. How did it lay on the tile? That's what I'm saying. How is it on the tile? I don't understand the forensic importance of reconstructing this. It's just like replaying it like the Zapruder film. Up and to the left.

Shit. Well, if you're going to toss it. Well, based on the shit, we know where they went for the date. And the shit lands. And the shit lands. Could I get a follow-up question? Sure. Were there gloves in the bathroom?

No, there's never gloves. First of all, I don't know. First of all, how could that possibly affect anything? You know, you put on your shitting gloves. You're talking about white silk gloves? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like somebody who's about to serve you at a steakhouse? Yeah, no, then I throw my scarf around my neck.

I put on my shitting goggles. Your goggles, yeah. I don't see how clogging a toilet is more embarrassing than picking it up with your bare hands. She wrapped it in paper towels. And flinging it like a monkey. Dude, when you go to pick it up with your bare hands, that's when you're all in on this situation. Whatever happens after that, you've already picked up shit with your bare hands. Yeah, at that point it's just, I don't have gloves.

You don't have, like, I'm going to climb out the window. You're already in. Unless you met this person on Monkey People Meet, it's kind of a deal breaker. This guy must be flattered. Yeah. I've had a shit break. I accidentally shit in the toilet I wasn't supposed to because I forgot it wasn't working, so I had to get in there with Popsicle sticks and do a little in-flight refueling and get it to the downstairs bathroom.

Shit sushi? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thankfully, it had the structural integrity to survive. Why do you have popsicle sticks? Yeah, where are the two popsicles? And you guys gave me ship-rapping gloves. I ate that one popsicle earlier. I had to go eat two popsicles.

He just carries these with him like in case of poop emergency, break glass. I just want to see the three minutes of you eating those popsicles staring at that ship. Boy, I hope I come up with a better idea by the time I'm done with the smile of Sigurd. Oh, fuck. I forgot to read the joke. I got to scrape it off.

Oh, the joke is just me. It just says Connor. I think she's alive, but she's going to kill herself. Okay. She's alive. Okay. She is indeed alive.

They had to call the fire department and break her out. She was stuck between the windows with the poop right in front of her face for like 45 minutes. Oh, that's so funny. She was stuck between the windows with the poop like right in front of her face for like 45 minutes.

Oh, that's so funny. And the reason people found out is that the dude put up a Kickstarter to buy a new window because he was like, yeah, it costs 300 bucks

and she's not paying for it. He made like $2,000. He gave the rest of it to a firefighter charity. All right. That was nice. Number two, a Chinese tourist

visited an Australian cosmetic surgeon. She was then allowed to perform breast surgery on a patient. This person is dead. Are we talking about the patient or the person who did the surgery? It was the patient dead. The doctor's dead. Everyone's dead.

Everyone in that room is dead. All of China. I know you can go to the Ukraine and shoot a rocket launcher at a cow for 50 bucks. Are you serious? Yeah. And the doctor was like, yeah, you can handle this one. How hard is breast surgery? I don't know.

You have a knife near their chest. I think that could be kind of dangerous. One of these things where you go into the cabin of the pilot on the airplane when you're a four-year-old and they turn all the fucking controls off and they're like, look, you're flying. There's no autopilot for cutting someone open. Maybe he cut her open the cabin of the pilot on the airplane when you're a four-year-old and they turn all the fucking controls off and they're like, look, you're flying. And I'm like, wow. No, there's no autopilot for cutting someone open.

Well, yeah, maybe he cut her open and they just had him pop in one of the tit bags. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. Is he doing the slicing? I feel like he would just slice it off like a deli. Just like slice the whole tit right off. What do you do?

Just shove it in and put it back on. Yeah, yeah. Then you just do it like how the Grinch made his Santa suits. Exactly, yeah. Go back around with some red yarn. Like Frankenstein tits. Yeah, then you're going to look. Every time you hook up for the rest of your life, you look like a fucking Tim Burton character.

Yeah, it's like, why is one of them black? Yeah, Jesus Christ. Putting the wrong tits on. He switched stitches halfway through. This is just bad fucking. Bad craftsmanship. Bad upholstery. I'm going to say that she's dead.

Okay. Tom? I mean, I can see... There's a lot more ways you could die, I think, this way than the last one. I like that you're like, how hard can surgery be? We asked how hard could a haircut be, and you happened. So, like, it's got to be harder than that. How hard can making a joke be?

I guess we just found out from Keith Alright As he beat that dead horse I'll skip all the funny riffs I had She is She is, she's dead I think she's dead but she just got bitten by a spider Right afterwards because it's Australia

Yeah, no she's dead as fuck Yeah that went exactly how you thought it would. And basically the tone of everybody they interviewed is just like fucking, what? Everyone's baffled. What you think was gonna happen? Yeah, and the lady was not like qualified. Is this doctor still practicing? Qualified, it's Australia.

Qualified. Who knows how to make a joke now, fuckface? That's good. Was this Australia or China? Australia, it was a Chinese lady. People went to Australia. This guy's in China the whole time. Yeah, or China? Australia. It was a Chinese tour. This guy's in China the whole time. Yeah, I was thinking China. I was like, yeah, it's not that big a deal for China. I'm sure they don't need any more people.

But like, I don't know if they have a lot of people. You think of China, if they're in the middle of a surgery, it just happens to have some complications. They just go, well, wrap it up. We got enough fucking people. Probably. I think their petite frames can't support bigger breasts so they just they'd collapse yeah i was also thinking like i didn't know that many people in china were into to to titty busting like i didn't know that that was the thing titty busting what is that when adam and jamie go say this porn was fake the fuck are you talking about yeah i couldn't think of the uh the medical but yeah. It definitely wasn't that.

Well, not even close. Yeah. Well, Steve, you should know that one time Tom tried to cum on a girl's face and accidentally came in his own face. Twice. Titties busted. Fool me once. Yeah, shame on you. Fool me twice.

That's my face. Just cum on my face. Yeah, fool me twice. I've got to go to the bathroom for a minute. It tastes the same. And then the poop gets stuck, and he's got to throw the poop out the window with his own cum on his face. Yeah, it's only twice I got to go to the bathroom for a minute. It tastes the same. And then the poop gets stuck and he's got to throw the poop out the window with his own tongue

on his face. I know, both of these sound like things Tom would do. Yeah, after drinking. Get stuck in a poop window and try and do surgery.

All right. Number three, in a desperate effort to get a job at a haunted house, a Fresno man ate a live black widow spider.

Hold on, say it again. In a desperate effort to get a job at a haunted house, a Fresno man ate a live black widow spider. Hold on, say it again. In a desperate effort to get a job at a haunted house, a Fresno man ate a live black widow spider. Is it October? He definitely did it, right?

He definitely did. He swallowed the black widow whole. He's alive. Okay. How hard is it to get a job at a Fresno haunted house? We're not seeing enough theatrical character experience. We need a few more workshops on the resume. It's like, no, we're in Fresno.

You're a scary guy. Just don't touch the kids that much. I'm guessing he didn't get hired. Okay, did he swallow a cat to catch the spider? Unconfirmed. Okay, all right. He brought his own black widow, too? Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to say he's alive. Well, in Fresno, it's not hard to find them. Yeah, the black widow is like the state bird of Fresno. Oh, really? It's a terrible place. I don't know. Does your body metabolize poison

differently if it's in your stomach? I want to say that guy's alive. Yeah, well, if you're swallowing the spider, here's another follow-up. Is the spider alive or dead when he eats it? I mean, I gotta figure

he's dead now. Well, yeah, I mean, you're also, you're at a job. No, no, no, because if you swallow it alive, it can bite you while it's alive. He swallowed it alive.

Okay. I got to figure you take a drink or something to try to, you know. Watch that spider down. Yeah, probably like bleach or something. He's trying to get in a haunted house. If it's alive, I'm going to say he's dead. All right. I don't know if that was an intentional nursery rhyme line.

It's alive. I'm going to say he's dead. The great answer is that man is alive. Nah. He lives. Apparently that's like a thing he does. He's the guy who eats spiders. The great answer is that man is alive. He lives. Apparently that's a thing he does. He's the guy who eats spiders. If I see someone eat a spider,

I just do like when a dog has chocolate. I'm just going to force feed him hydrogen peroxide until he barfs it out. That just seems like such an overkill thing to get a job at a haunted house. This does not affect your ability to dress up like a spooky skeleton. He probably already got the job. He was probably on lunch break or something. I feel like they're like, you know what, we'll call you.

I think it looks really good. And he's like, unless you hire me right now. Like, baby, baby. Maybe he's like the Daniel Day-Lewis of haunted houses. He's just like a meth head actor. Everyone's not doing it well enough. More of a meth head actor. Another reason I don't want to go to a fucking haunted house is they're hiring dudes who

are eating spiders. They already eat swords. Can we stop eating weird shit? I don't want to be around that many weirdos. I just like the idea of that guy burping, and then you just look at him on your shoulders and go, ah, it's a fucking spider. A fucking tarantula asshole. He's just weaponized.

He just burps poisonous spiders at his enemies. Yeah, yeah. Number four. An Indian man was diagnosed with lung cancer. Infuriated, he purchased a pistol and visited the man who got him to start smoking. Is the guy in charge dead? Oh, this is me and Keith's story. No, I'm kidding.

So the question is... Is anybody dead? Oh. And where did this happen again? India. Dead. Ooh. I'm going to say, yes, someone is dead.

Okay. But I'm going to say the dude that brought the gun is dead He probably killed himself Chinese are very respectful This is India Also filthy heathens At first I said Indonesia And they're both dead if it's Indonesia I love Indiana

It's a great state A lot of Chinese there Very good spiders. We have the best spiders. Dead. All right. The correct answer is dead. Oh, no.

Who's dead? He shot that dude who got him to start smoking in the face. He did. Did he shoot himself after? He did not. Indians are nuts. He just took off running. And for having lung cancer, he escaped for quite a while.

I really hope he had a great law and order quote. And he's like, well, it looks like you got face cancer. Oh, fucking piss. I gotta kill him now or everyone will know how bad my fucking line was. Looks like you're the one with the hole in your face. Not from cancer, but from this bullet.

Yeah, well, yeah. I might have to talk out of my neck, but you've been talking out of your ass for two. Somebody else wronged me. What is Indian law and order? Is it just people just walking by bodies in the street and like, yeah, we're here, all right, and then credits roll? No, it goes up.

No, instead of the dun-dun, it just goes, bee-boo. That was the worst. Did the guy ever try quitting? No. I don't understand. Did this guy, every time he tried to quit, just come back and go, you know you love this? He's like the weird snake in the Garden of Eden. Yeah.

Well, there's not just one guy in any that sells cigarettes. You don't need a cigarette dealer. Yeah. This was just a guy he got drunk at a party with, and he was like, let me get one of those. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. If you can get convinced that easily, you deserve to get cancer. All right.

And finally, a South Carolina man attempted to flee from police by swimming a mile into the ocean. Then the shark appeared. Ooh, fuck. Okay. Was it a black shark? All right.

What race was this guy? White. Okay. Yeah. Why does... this guy? White. Okay. Yeah. Why does... Of course it matters. The police are involved. The shark's not...

Yeah, but he's a mile away from the police. The shark is an issue. Are you worried about swimming issues with black men? Is that what it is? Well, no. It also boils down to... There's no good answer. I don't know what the race is.

No, no, no. Look, he obviously can swim. He went out a mile, but I feel like... Maybe not. No, the Coast Guard just shot a black man. Well, no, yeah, that's why I'm asking. If he was black, the police would continue chasing a lot harder. You have to erase it.

What if I said Filipino? How does that affect your decision? Alive. I would have said alive. That would have been one of the only races I would have said alive. Well, because they can breathe underwater. They have gills. Yeah, of course.

They have the Filipino gills. That explains everything. The Filipinos. Now we have an episode title. I'm going to stay alive. Okay. Anywhere in the south, is it southeast or southwest? Anyone in that part of Asia.

No, no, no. Asia, Philippine. That area? Dude, they're crazy. They'll fight a shark. They'll fight a shark. They'll fight a shark for food. Bare hands. They're nuts.

You're both being racist and stupid. No, I'm giving compliments. I wish I had guts. You're doing three things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. So not Filipino. I'm going to say.

You thought the Filipino ate the shark. Is that what you were going to say? Yeah. The shark's the dead one. So I'm going to say the shark didn't eat him. He freaked out, drowned. The shark swam away. He's dead.

Using Tom's logic, I'm going to say he mounted the shark, rode off, and ate all the cops. I'm just saying. And it's part of Sharknado 7. It's the whole plot. That's just going up with Tom Clive. Hi-ho, Jaws away! You're going to do it. Come on, let's go.

Eat him. Eat him. To the Adobo chicken! Oh, my God. He's alive. Like, who could care? Yeah. The cops showed up with a helicopter. We're like, how about now, fuckface? He's like, oh, yeah. care? But yeah. The cops showed up with a helicopter.

And we're like, how about now, fuckface? And he's like, oh, yeah. I guess it seems like a better idea. So that dude is alive. And that is Did They Die? I want to make a movie about the amazing Tom riding a shark. Yeah, I'm in. Dude, I love sharks.

They're cool animals. Are they? You know, a lot of species of shark, it's something with a lot of syllables. With the mohawk, you look like a land shark. Well, thank you. There's a lot of syllables in it, so I forget what species. But some of them, if they don't swim, they die. How crazy is that?

I think it's like any shark. No, no, no. There's some sharks that don't. Dude, fucking sand sharks stay still in sand. Of course, it's not every shark. Okay. Yes. They're like trapdoor spiders of fish. Again, Tom re-reads

his fucking one animal a month by mail autistic 12-year-old books before every show and will always start like, no, porcupines are the most complex society

outside of the aliens that touch me as a baby. Yeah, I fucking agree. He has like a crazy amount of like animal knowledge and then you're like, Tom, tie your shoes and it's just,

ah! Oh. All right, well, that's it for Did They Die? The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back after this. Quong! 901 AM. My wife says it was an airplane.

And it's not just us. They hit the South Tower too. Oh my god, this is a nightmare. It's so hot. I can feel the fire under us. Stay calm, Sharon. It's gonna be okay. Just stay with me. Just take deep breaths. Okay. Now count backwards from ten. Ten, nine, eight, seven...

And when you get to one, just tell me if you stole the Activia. Oh, fucking come on, Linda. You come on, Sharon. The strawberry ones are hard to find and they're my special treat. Look, I have a bunch of yogurts in the fucking fridge, too. You can take one of mine to replace it if you want. I'll suck my dad's dick before I eat your off-brand blueberry bullshit.

Alright, listen up everybody. I just got off the phone with the police. They said to sit tight. They're trying to put out the fire so they can clear the stairway to come get us. Oh god, I can't. I can't breathe. I can't. I can't. Just tell them to hurry and bring oxygen for Sharon. Oh, and tell them to bring a fingerprint kit so maybe we can dust the break room and see who took...

Linda, if you say Activia one more goddamn time, I'm gonna punch you in the fucking face. Who took my yogurt? 939 AM. They, uh, they just hit the Pentagon. Oh, my God. Who could do something like this? I just hit the Pentagon. Oh, my God. Who could do something like this? I just don't understand.

How do we not know this was coming? The government should have warned us. Why wouldn't you just buy your own Activia? They're not expensive. Oh, my God, we still on this? It was probably the cleaning lady, Linda. You know the Puerto Ricans that have sticky fingers? Jesus Christ, Vance.

Oh, what, you're gonna report me to HR? The fucking building's on fire, Sharon. This is insanity. It just doesn't make sense. I know. I mean, you hear about stuff like this in other countries all the time, but you think in America you're safe. The cleaning lady doesn't even come in on Mondays, so there's no way it could have been her. All right, that's enough.

Hey, Linda? Yeah, Terry? I ate your Activia. Is that what you want to hear? I knew it was yours, and I stole it. I don't even like yogurt. I just did it because you're a fat, awful cunt, and I hate your guts. I mean, that checks out.

I'll tell you what. If, I mean, when we get out of here, Terry will buy you a whole case of Activia. Won't you, Terry? No, absolutely not. I'm going to go eat the other ones right now. You son of a bitch! Linda, watch out. That window's broken out.

I was kidding! And the Mean Boys podcast is back to close out the show with a round of our favorite game, which is the following. Now, Steve's a family man, which is why we're doing a game based on cartoon pornography called Hentai. This one comes to us from Twitter at Wayward Cross.

Got to figure that's some kind of devil thing. So, which of the following is not a real hentai video slash erotic visual novel? And I don't exactly know what that is. Isn't a visual novel just a comic book? I thought a visual novel was a movie. Yeah, hentai is a weird tentacle fucking thing. My friends have gotten to the point where they're too old

and too into Japan. They're just doomed to society. Once you get to 25 and you still know too much shit about Japan, I think it's kind of game over. They played through some of those dating simulators. This one that they're playing through is one where everyone is in a hospital and all the girls have no legs

or are handicapped, so they rely on you. Really weird. Oh, no! Oh, Steve. I think you just unlocked my sexual Pandora's box. That sounds exactly what I've been looking for. Yeah, that doesn't make me cum at all.

It just runs back to his car. I'm just going to the front line of Six Flags and just feeding you applesauce and shit. So this is a specific type of hentai? Yeah, hentai is like

the tentacles and all that shit. Who's got tentacles? The dracobuses that are fucking the ladies. Oh my God. It's cartoons. One of my proudest

moments of my life. Right? Or is it real? Yeah. What was the luckiest thing? I don't know about these animals. One of the best things I ever did in my entire life is I got into an argument on the internet with a guy, and he was talking about, like, that's what he said in the message.

And I was like, well, why don't you screen cap the messages so he can see? And he's like, I don't know how to do that. And I was like, control print screen, control V into MS Paint, just save that, and then post it in the comments, you bitch. And then he did, and in one of the tabs he had open some aggressively tentacle porn. Tentacle anal chronicles.

Chronicles. Multiple episodes. The ballad of butt-fucky the octopus. Yeah, like very interesting that you're telling the truth, but also very interesting that you're jerking off the monsters, you fucking dummy. Nothing loses you the high ground in an argument faster. Oh, so happy.

So round number one, which of the following is not a real hentai video erotic visual novel? A, virgin roster. B, panty flash fighter. I already hate this. C, bangable girl. Or D, anyone you can do, I can do better.

Okay, I'm going to go D because I feel like the people who make these don't have a great grasp of the English language. And you don't think they could do a parody of a song? No, they could if they know the song. They don't have that song in Japan. They have the internet, and you can get most songs on there, Tom. Right. But you think they're going to be that inspired by that piece of shit song?

That's my logic, all right? I don't have to explain it beyond that. I can do better. You want to do that, Tom? I like that in this game about violent hentai pornography, you've taken a stand against the musical Annie. That's what you think is the Annie part here. Yeah, no, I do.

I think that, dude, Japan doesn't care about fucking orphans or Annie or any of that shit. Or maybe they care about orphans. I don't know. It's not Annie, by the way, the musical. Yeah, no, it's Japan, not China. So they do care about orphans. Japanies? Yeah, and also porn names are like Big Cock and Face.

Like, they're never like that thought out. Well, at least three of them are. But these are sensitive, like, kid porns. Like, I mean, like... Never mind. Now we have an episode. Sensitive kid porn. For cartoon porn.

They're lower in sugar. The one you introduce your kids to pornography. They're for a more discerning... Even regular cartoons will have cheeky pun titles. Then it's just the Wile E. Kennedy. Some of the jokes have to be for the adults, Tom. Read that second one again. It was Penny Flash Fighter.

That one seems legit. I'm going to say C. All right, Bangable Girl, Steve, you got a guess? I'm going to say A. All right, Virgin Rush, do the fake one. B, Penny Flash Fighter. You're not fighting. You're just trying to...

I don't know what you're doing. These are games about love, gang. Is Penny Flash Fighter a reference to something? I don't... No, it just sounds like Asian. Yeah, it just sounds... Well, that's the fake one, Tom. That's the entire premise

of the game. Yeah, this is the game you've played dozens of times. Oh, I'm catching on. Okay. Round number two, all incest edition. A, a moral sister.

Oh, no. B, taboo charming mother C. My little sister can't be this cute Or D. The Sarah Huckabee Sanders Adventure Sarah Huckabee Slanders No D. Sleazy Daughter so let's close it up

Sleazy Daughter is that movie with Peter Fonda I think so yeah Run it one more time A moral sister taboooo, charming mother. My little sister can't be this cute. They don't have butter in Japan. That one's fake. Or Sleazy Daughter.

B. I'm going to say A. I'm going to go D again. Yeah. Okay. What insight. Excellent contribution, Goss. Way to see your long division.

The answer C, My Little Sister Can't Be This Cute. It's actually a series of non-pornographic novels for kids. Oh, what? I think it's just about being a good big brother. I don't know why, but somehow that bothers me more than the person knows about weird Japanese non-porn stuff. It's probably like how to deal with your friends trying to fuck your sister. Yeah. My sister can't be this trying to fuck your sister. Yeah. My sister can't be this cute.

Oh, no. My buddy. I don't want to fuck my sister. Do I? You've got to learn all your homework. Where's my sister? Nobody else can come help her with her homework and take your beautiful sister's virginity. Alright, okay, sorry. Let's clean this up a little bit.

Round number three, all bestiality round. A. My cat is my girlfriend? Three question marks. Okay. B, I'm not kidding, the little spermate. Okay. That's a fish one. You should be good at that, Tom.

You got a lot of those fish facts. C, no, they lay eggs, all right? This is stupid. C, Cat Girl Alliance. Or D. Somehow the worst one. Let's meow meow. I don't want to do this podcast anymore. Yeah, I'm not feeling great about this.

Oh, God. Give me C again. Cat Girl Alliance. Just say the little spermate again. Stuck in the middle with a little cat girl. The little spermate. Very cool. And what was, like, I fucked a rabbit or something? What was the blunt one? My cat is my girlfriend.

Oh, okay, that was the blunt one. I really like how hard you're selling the punctuation on this. There's three question marks. I gotta make it clear. I'm gonna say, I love that this person is not only fucking their cat, but also in a committed relationship. He's monogamous. I'm meeting my cat's parents?

Meownegamous? Nope. I get where you're going. I'm going to say the Meow Meow one. All right, Tom. Fuck. I only remember A and Meow Meow, but I don't want to hear them again. Little Sperm Maiden and Cat Girl Alliance are the other two.

God damn it. I'm going to go the Little Spermade. You can still have it. It's got to be Little Spermade. Little Spermade has to be real. My cat is my girlfriend is the fake cat. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Little Spermade is real. And frankly, I'm not even into this. I'm playing it. All right? Yeah. Wait, it's a game? It has three question marks. Yeah. So I figured you would be like, no, yeah. Little Spermade is real. And frankly, I'm not even into this. I'm playing it, alright? Yeah. Wait, it's a game? It has three question marks. Yeah. So I figured you would be like, no, it has three question marks. This is a well-made game, alright? It is.

And it's also something that none of us will be able to admit to having any expertise in. Yeah, I know. Yeah, why don't we take this out into the world? Yeah. Round number four. Thank God there's no theme addition. A. Do you like horny bunnies? And getting caught in the rain

Do you like waking up in bathtubs Without most of your organs This country is nonsense B. Milf Mansion That's actually That sounds fine That's nothing You could probably jerk off to that

And still go to heaven C. 21st Century Nymphomaniacs. Worst King Crimson song. Or D, Bukkake Arena. I don't like the competitive element there. Bukkake Arena. Is that like... That's what they put in the BattleBots time slot?

I mean, it's really pretty easy to figure out who's about to lose in the Bukkake Arena. It's the one in the middle of the circle. Well, have you seen Battle Bang? What is Battle Bang? Two guys will MMA fight. Is that a letter E choice? Battle Bang?

No, that's just something I've seen, which is two guys get into an MMA fight, and then the winner gets to fuck the girl. Oh. But you open it up, or you click on it, and I'm like, this is just the fight. And then I'm like, oh, okay, and you skip ahead, and you're like, that was it for that fight. I've seen the gay version of that

where two dudes get in a fight and then they just fuck each other. I thought you were going. Yeah, I didn't know there was a fight for the honor of a maiden version. We've talked about this on the podcast before, I think. Just some lady. Does the girl have a choice? The girl, I think she just wants to she wants a strong seed.

She's in a video called Metal Bang. She ran out of choices a long time ago. Yeah, I figure both the dudes are vetted. I mean, she probably has a preference. She's like, oh, God, I'm the third black guy this week. Let's hope this guy has good technique. All right, so your guess is, gentlemen, do you like Horny Bunnies, Milf Mansion, 21st Century, and Infomaniacs, where I assume they just tweet their dicks in a water tower, or D, Bukkake Arena?

I'm going to say 21st Century Nymphomaniacs. I was leaning that way, too. Me, too. All right, the fake one. Never mind. Bukkake Arena is the fake one. We all wanted that to be real. Yeah.

I believed. I kind of did, too, because I like to imagine it's like a decathlon where they're like, who can come the farthest? And then who can come the most? I was imagining like a Planet Hulk scenario. Where you walk in and then you just come all the way across the arena with your jet time is something that he he comes really far and he's dubbed this ability jets i ain't dub it i'm just trying to explain it yeah well he was like well i accidentally came in my own face and i and i started laughing uncontrollably as one does when you hear that information

and then he goes what what? I got jets. I got jets. I've heard frozen ropes, but never jets. Frozen ropes? What the fuck is that? I'm Mr. Freeze. Frozen ropes, dude.

I've never heard that before. When you eat too much protein. Frozen ropes. A Planet Hulk scenario where Tom comes out and then just like, rawr. Serious schedule, Bukkake Arena pitch.

For Spike TV. For FXXX. All right, round number five, all real or all fake. A, American Sexy Channel 3. Okay. B, Pizza Takeout Obscenity. C... That's just me eating pizza ever.

Yeah. Fuzzy Lips. Jessica one time bought Keith a breakup pizza. He got broken me eating pizza ever. Fuzzy lips. Jessica one time bought Keith a breakup pizza. He got broken up with and she just ordered him. He's just like, I got you a large pizza. I figured you'd want sauce. I was really sad at how right she was. Dude, of course. But we just came home, cried a little bit, and ate a whole pizza. Are we still gonna

pretend you wouldn't have eaten the pizza if you were still in a relationship at that point? I would have eaten it too. Honestly, the best case scenario is you came back and you were like, we worked it out, but I guess I'll still eat that pizza. Oh, I for sure would have. Well, we would have shared the pizza, I guess. All right, let's keep thinking about that for a moment.

All right, C, fuzzy lips, or D, creamy pie. Are those all real or all fake? I would say all fake. All right, Tom Goss. All right, fuck. It's fake. Those are all real, guys. I knew it. I? All right, Tom Goss. All right, fuck. It's fake. Those are all real, guys.

I knew it. I don't want to live in a world where those aren't real. Yeah. I need all those things in my life. Those are the least upsetting ones. Yeah. I mean, well, American Sexy Channel 3. I don't know what that...

Because I don't know what Japan thinks that America is, really. It's pretty awesome what they think we are. Oh, yeah? It's not realistic. Well, what they think we are. Oh, yeah? It's not realistic. Well, what they think you are, and they're like, okay, yeah, everyone's a bunch of weird, you know, Hungarian super boys. Yeah, no, they really, like, when I was there, maybe it's because I was younger, but they thought I was really cool for being American. And I was like, oh, I am not cool in America. Tom kind of moves like a human in a Godzilla suit.

The Godzilla suit just looked like a bigger human Yeah well Tom was like You know this is going to be like when I go to a different school And I reinvent myself And then you're just like oh yeah they'd all run away in fear And I gotta keep the juice boxes Big America dum-dum number one In the fucking summer when they don't have school

Well they kind of I don't know I don't understand their class schedule But you still have to get up at like 6 a.m. And all the children there would go to a park. And then you just go, each knee. It's called working out. Tom thinks Japan is... Everyone has to wake up every day.

They like move their bodies. They do it all together at the same time. Tom thinks Japan has the monopoly on calisthenics. Didn't you see Gung Ho? No. Rent Gung Ho. See, I think this is actually where we find out that Tom was initiated into like an American sleeper cell Japan. He's in like the Yakuza.

Yeah, someone shows him the wrong frame from Yu Yu Hakusho. He's just going to start decking dudes in business suits. He's like, capitalism back. You tell me a bunch of nine-year-olds moving the same way at the same time isn't fucking crazy? It's called a ballet recital. Yeah, but even then they fuck up, you know, in America. Well, you moving correctly in any capacity is impressive.

See, we're just frightened by efficiency, is really what it was. Yeah, efficiency is terrifying. In America, we don't have that kind of efficiency. You know what I mean? It's all on your own. Like, there, they're like, yeah, we're gonna twist our wrists at the same time together. Yeah, they took two nuclear bombs. Yeah. They're gonna get efficient

after that. Yeah, no, they did. I was... I was in Hiroshima. That shit was gnarly. Yeah, they're gonna get the evacuation drills down. No, they fucking... They had the... They have a siren that goes off, the Bob siren, on the anniversary of the time every year.

Remember when you got your face combed in the second time? I don't know what the heck happened to them. They're trying to avoid that. On that note, the B-Boys podcast will be right back with a list of questions. He was Nagasaki. Hi, I'm Ronald Reagan Former President of the United States And current President of ISIS

I'm broadcasting here from hell To tell you about the Mean Boys Patreon While I'm in my lab Working on new exciting strains of HIV I listen to the Mean Boys To pass the time And after I ran out of episodes, I was tickled pink to find out

that they're releasing weekly bonus content for just $5 a month. I love that Tom Goss fellow. I'm glad I ruined California's mental health infrastructure for generations to come. Anyways, I've got a poker game with Saddam and Eazy-E to get to, so get to patreon.com slash meanboys and subscribe today, homos. 10.26 a.m.

You guys, I don't know how much longer the building can hold for. Where's the fire department? Guys? Why wouldn't you label the activity if you cared this much? Oh, what? The yogurt? Who cares about the yogurt? We have to find a way out.

Yeah, that would have been an easy fix. Somebody probably just thought it was theirs by mistake. We have Sharpies. It would have taken you two seconds. You guys, I feel the floor bending. I'm scared. Wasn't Jamie Lee Curtis in those Activia commercials? Talking about how good it made a shit or whatever?

Do you hear that? The metal is creaking. I think it's going to break. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Have you heard that she was born with a penis and a vagina? Oh, God. Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus.

Oh, for real? Yeah, that makes sense to me. She got that I have a dick confidence and all. Oh, my God, you guys. What? I just remembered. I took one of the activities with me yesterday for the train ride home. Linda.

Oh, Linda, you dumbass. Whoa, what the? All right, and the Mean Boys podcast returns to answer your questions and other bullshit. And the Mean Boys mailbag. Keith, what did Santa bring for us this week? Let's look through the mailbag. I have sifted through 400 9-11 references.

Oh, God. Because it's next week? Is that why? Yeah. Yeah, what a coincidence that we had you in this week. Samantha Harnish asks, or not asks, but just says, Let Steve know I told my sister-in-law while she was in labor that it wasn't too late to name the baby Chalupa Batman.

Oh, thank you very much. She made an honest plea on the link to name that kid Chalupa Batman. People have done that. They've named their... No children, but pets. Oh, like after... What's Chalupa Batman? It's one of the...

It's from the league. We got a... Can I be completely honest? I don't even really know what the league is about. Yeah, no, I watched... You did as my mother. Yes. She's never really watched the show.

I've been watching all of it. On the show, basically, he lost the rights to name his kid. So somebody named the kid Chalupa Batman. Oh, dude. My buddy from Peru was like, yeah, I had a bunch of friends, and their middle name was Batman because people just liked it down there. They didn't know.

It wasn't just a classic American name. They're like, we're going to name him Pedro Batman. He's going to come up to the States, assimilate beautifully. You get a lot of pets named Chalupa Batman? We got a lot of pets and a lot of tattoos. A lot of people have done that. We actually got a tattoo from this show. And it's kind of...

What? I know, right? Oh, yes. It's shocking that you guys have it. But you know what, though? I take it back because, look, I don't know how many listeners you guys have, but... Not enough for that to be okay. More than you thought.

But I'm sure they are fucking crazy people. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's funny because they're really nice but then they're also just a little off. We get these emails

that are just like, hey, your show is great. Thanks so much for everything you do. And then you look at the email address and it's just like, oh, buttfuck Jesus

and fire.9. Yeah. Yeah, but somehow they have $25 to come see you perform a new stand-up which is fucking great. Oh, yeah, it's bananas.

I don't know how buttfuck Jesus got that together. The last two weeks we had a guy defending But somehow or another, they have $25 to come see you perform a new stand-up, which is fucking great. Oh, yeah. It's bananas. How butt-fucked Jesus got that together. The last two weeks, we had a guy defending shitting in a diaper porn and also a guy who was going to jail and left us a voicemail as his last act of freedom. Yeah, that's the type of commitment you get. We got to do some recall on that jail. I got to figure, because if he did something that was just embezzling or some little bullshit crime, I'm sending him cassette tapes of the podcast. He just knew embezzling. Nobody who listens to this show has a job. There's no way he embezzled.

He did something violent, and we should still send him tapes. No, he could be a drug dealer. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Drug dealers have plenty of time. They're driving around. They listen to podcasts. Yeah, that makes sense.

Look, I still have faith that the guy's going to turn his life around, you know? All right. But yes, tattoos do scare me. Yeah, it's weird. I yes, tattoos do scare me. I don't even have a tattoo. I love destroying my community and just learning about American history in the car. Since I was 14, I've wanted a tattoo as soon as I have the money for it.

You haven't had the money. How old are you? I'm 24. In 10 years. $90. Tom once gave his life savings to a lady to get an abortion, which she then spent on a tattoo for herself. So you don't have a tattoo. I paid for tattoos, Tom. Yeah, well, no, I have.

I meant to kill the baby, and it wasn't my baby. It was her baby with some other dude. I never fucked her because she was fucking everybody. And he didn't even negotiate like a Rumpelstiltskin. You got to name it Chalupa Batman. Is it fucked her because she was fucking everybody. And he didn't even negotiate like a Rumpelstiltskin, you gotta name it Chalupa Batman. Is it weird that the tattoo was thank God, sorry, thank God I didn't have a baby with Tom?

No, I wish it was that. Do you want to know what the tattoo was? It was the Chips Ahoy logo on her ass. It said Cheeks Ahoy. Did she have the baby? Yes Wait you have a kid? No it's not my kid

I was friends with her And she was like I thought you got a girl pregnant And then I thought you gave her money to get an abortion I thought in my mind That instead of getting that abortion She got a cheeks ahoy t-shirt I mean a tattoo And now you have a baby.

No, no, no, no, no. He gave money to a friend. Well, I went with her.

So little of you. Yeah. That money. She didn't pay me back. Yeah. She's not anyone that gets a tattoo that says cheeks. Ahoy on their butt. Instead of getting an abortion.

It's not a person that's going to pay you back. Look, I'm not a banker, but I, I think that's how 2008 happened. Cheeks. Ahoy. Butt mortgages. I went with her to the clinic. I think that's how 2008 happened. All those sheeks-a-holy-butt mortgages. I went with her to the clinic with her friend because neither of us could drive.

And then they just locked me in the car and went in and said I couldn't come in. And then I just was overheating. It was child-locked. And then finally I figured out how to get out of it. I just collapsed on the fucking... Which shouldn't work for you. That should not be an issue.

Every word in this story is more fucking retarded than the last two. Do you understand? Say it again. Child lock. Right. I didn't have the keys. No, I know, but still. They put me in the back seat. They didn't give me any water. Like, it was a fucking... You're supposed to crack a

window so I could pant that people passing by. By the time I realized how overheating I was, I was already like, I was already in that. So normal? Yeah, sure. You're in a lab with a shitty owner. Yeah. And then afterwards, she was all crying and shit. I was like, ah, so is the baby dead?

And then she never fucking, she was just, you know, and then it turned out she kept it. And then she named her kid. I don't think she'd ever listen to this, but I'm still cool with you, I guess. But she named her kid Naomi because it's I moan backwards. Wow. And that's it. She gets to vote. I think she hooked him.

Now Naomi gets to vote too. I think she might have hookered a little bit and then maybe worked for the post office. I don't know. I lost some of my friendship. That's just friendship stuff. All right. The next question. Daniel and Steve, if given the chance,

would you roast battle again? Yes. I think I, well, I would do it in the comedy store. Okay. Yeah. Fucking good answer. Steve was on season one of Roast Battle. We don't have to talk comedy store. Okay. Fucking good answer. Steve was on season one of Roast Battle.

We don't have to talk about that. Yeah. We don't have to bring up where you can find it or anything. No, yeah. Definitely don't go to YouTube or Comedy Central. You've got to go to the same place

where you get all those other hentai games. Steve has very good agents. It's been banished to the dark web. You've got to pay for it in Bitcoin. America number one joke fan. Actually, we were doing some writing on that.

We thought we had to write jokes about you So I know my girlfriend one time read you All of the outtakes that we had And I was like why would you do that She had me crying Look the first time I ever did it Was on television Oh you've never battled outside of television

No I'm like Floyd Mayweather I mean Conor McGregor The atmosphere of the store It's so much more – It's more fun at the store. I'm like Floyd Mayweather. I mean, Conor McGregor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no. The atmosphere at the store is just so much fun. Well, you've just – Yeah, but I think a few more comfort level there and it also not televised. Yeah.

And then against someone that I know. Like I would like to do it against someone that I know. Yeah. Right. I think that's definitely the way to do it. All right. Aiden Rudd asks, what was it like being Kevin James' bitch in Paul Blart Mall Cop? Kevin James, if you watched that movie, he was my bitch.

I for sure did not watch Paul Blart Mall Cop. I watched the first one. I was in the hospital, though. Seeing that one, not the critically acclaimed TV show, just Paul Blart Mall Cop. I want to hear the answer. Wait, so you said you just watched it? No, I watched the first one, but I was in the hospital. What kind of a hospital, Tom?

It was an adolescent psychiatric unit. They showed Mall Cop in it? What's going to calm these fucking animals down? Were you in the first one, too? Yeah, I was only in the first one. I think I'm in the second one in a flashback. In that movie, you're helping people cope with readjusting to reality. Is this you chasing a Segway?

Why? This is going to be bad. I don't remember. I was on a lot of drugs. Who are you in the first one? So I was the pen salesman and we get kidnapped and brought to the hospital. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was the bully in the movie. I was distracted. I don't have to watch it again. Yeah. You know, mental illness.

Yeah. Which can be a bit debilitating. Right. Yeah. But I'm glad I brought you like two hours of joy. But you don't really remember it. No, I appreciate distracted. Yeah, by mental illness, which can be a bit debilitating. Right, yeah. But I'm glad I brought you two hours of joy, but you don't really remember it. No, I appreciate it. No, it wasn't joy at all. I don't feel like you ever said you saw it and it was great. No, I was not very functional.

Everyone else said they were all laughing and stuff. It was not the picture of coherence that sits before you today. Yeah, I forget. Sorry, it was a long time ago. I also watched Taken. I don't know how we convinced him to let us watch Taken, but it was not a good psych ward movie. Are you sure you just didn't get really high for Paul

Blart 2? This guy is fucked up. It's real now. At Death to the Filth, see what I mean, says, my six-year-old son is getting bullied by a group of trashy older kids in the neighborhood. The parents are as bad as the kids. Any advice on how to handle them?

Yeah, you beat the fuck out of them. You send them to live with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air. There's that. You gotta recruit older kids than them. Okay. And have them beat the fuck out of them. You need older... You need some muscle.

You need to build a big child mafia, basically. Well, look, here's the deal. You get yourself some warheads... If you're asking Steve to pick up his kids in a couple hours at school, hey, you have to talk to the parents. Sit down with them and see if you can talk about, hey, my son's having issues. That's not who we're asking. That's not who we're asking.

We're talking about, you need fucking muscle. Now, you can't. I saw my dad one time punch a dog. My dad did that too. He had a real fucking shitty neighbor dog came up and he just punched it in the face and the dog never looked at it again. Now I'm not saying violence is the answer.

It is sometimes. Tom, you're like the voice in the back of my head. Oh, you're the hell man This is like I like where this is going Tom is an actual dog fighter Yeah

But You need These kids aren't gonna listen To anything They have shitty parents They're not gonna get Any sort of fucking Feedback

Like positive feedback So the only thing They're gonna listen to Is muscle So you gotta have You gotta get a neighborhood kid You know And you're gonna have to

Trade some shit for that You get some like The good Mexican lead candy That they can't get on the streets, and you say – You're going to have to buy some cigarettes and some booze. Yeah. That's what you're going to have to do. Bribe like an eighth grader.

Depending on where you are, California, you might have to buy some weed. Just kick your kid in the neck. It's a small price to pay for your kid's happiness. Here's where I slightly disagree. People are just dogs. You want to be the alpha dog, okay? And the kids think that their parents are the alpha dogs. So even though parents really don't have anything to do with it, it's their fault for raising shitty kids.

You just punch one of those parents, preferably the male, in the face. You show your dominance, and then you tell those kids to fuck off, and they will. Yeah, you pee on three or four of his personal effects. Mark it with your scent. Depending if it's not their third strike. I don't know if this is – what was the guy's name? The email? Death of the Phil. Death of the Depending if it's not their third strike. I don't know if this is... What was the guy's name? The email?

Death of the Filth. Death of the Filth. It might be his third strike, so I wouldn't hit anyone. At Death of the Filth is a dude who once tweeted us a picture of him wearing one of our t-shirts and holding his daughter,

who's like five, which is real sweet until we zoomed in and realized he also had a gun in his pocket. Sounds like Death of the Filth has all this shit figured out. Is this in Indiana? Yeah, I met Death of the Filth. The best way I can describe him is

he's like a Bitcoin gun socialist. He's like, yeah, no, I go to leather bars and you better believe I can fucking hit a bullseye from 50 yards. Man, that got intense. A couple more. At the Danish and O'Neill say, what was it like working with the

geniuses Danish and O'Neill on the hit web series Daddy Knows Best and Knockers? Those guys are the worst. But I usually mention that because the next tweet is? From them, probably, right? No, it's, I can't find it. Sweat's coming out the pits, guys. Oh, yeah. It's, which one is worse, Danish or O'Neal?

No, O'Neal. They're really the mean boys 1.0. Just the two people who are shackled to one another through their one skill of being cunts. Yeah, at the store, several people have compared me and Connor to them. Can't we be compared to people who are actually famous? That's true.

They're not at all. But they're super fucking funny. Yeah, they are funny. Daddy Knows Best was like something we just did in the middle of the league because I was bored

and then Knockers is this kind of new fucking crazy thing but if you got to write something or you need something that like, an out of the box idea

that no one else is going to think of, those guys are the people to go to. They're super fucking funny in that way. No, I've seen them just go up

and just be just big pieces of shit. Oh, yeah. I really enjoy it. Yeah. and just be big pieces of shit. Oh, yeah. I really enjoy it. Yeah. I love a big team. David?

Last one. I heard you got a boner acting with Jade Catapretta. Did you finish in your pants? No, I never finish in my pants. That's what your face is for. Not even when you're like, that's Tom's face is for.

Not even when you're driving late at night and you gotta stay alert? You ever do that move? No. You driving late at night and you've got to stay alert? You ever do that move? No. Because you can't drive. You don't need to stay awake while I'm driving you home. Have you ever jerked off while he's been sleeping next to you?

I'll tell this. Hang on. I have so many stories. Bobby Lee did it to me. Oh, Bobby Lee? On a road trip. Oh, great. I'm in good company.

I woke up. He was jerking off. Wait, so he's driving and jerking off? Driving and jerking off. Okay. Bobby Lee? On a road trip. Oh, great. I'm in good company. He was jerking off. Wait, so he's driving and jerking off? Driving and jerking off. Okay. I asked him what he was doing. He said, trying to relax. Trying to. And then he gives you a glare.

He interrupted. So rude. How rude. Cover my eyes with my neck pillow, you fucking creep. Not you snoring. Connor once jerked off in the room where my girlfriend was sleeping, thinking she was asleep and then i uh came into the room later and laid down and my girlfriend immediately just goes yeah connor for sure just jerked off and i'm like no he wouldn't do that what a creepy weirdo move that would be and the next morning connor's like i jerked off i'm sorry

well i just the problem was her snoring sounded too much like her breathing you know i was just like i couldn't distinguish i'll tell you one of the saddest sentences i've ever heard is one time connor came back from like two months on the road and I'm like hey man how was the ride back and he just looks at me and goes I stopped in front of an old fire station to masturbate oh yeah jerked off in front of an abandoned fire station it was like crashing

it was abandoned all the babies were left in the front there was just like weeds growing out of the windows and shit and I was just like well this seems like a good place to set up camp. Well, I was crashing with comics on the couches and shit. And I was doing the San Francisco comedy competition where you got to drive all over the fucking place. And they don't put you up anywhere.

So I'm just like stressed out. I'm getting five hours of sleep and then driving six hours the next day to some weird performing arts center in Grass Valley. And the pipes got a little backed up. I was getting a little aggressive out there on the road. I needed to mediate my chemicals or whatever. I jerked off in front of a fire station. Mediate your chemicals? Don't make it sound like it's chemistry or something.

You had to jerk off. Well, yeah, no, you don't jerk off. You should pitch that to Seinfeld as a spinoff. He's jerking off in cars with other comedians. No, the best one ever is Keith and I are, the patio behind my room, there's a window that looks into my room, and Keith is out there smoking a cigarette,

we're working on stuff, and then Keith's like, all right, man, good work today, I'm going to go take a seat. You know, this is actually when we were writing jokes about Steve. Oh, that's true. You've got a weird connection to this story.

Your name and a bunch of facts about you was written on a big white paper. All this took place. Great job annihilating this man's character. I'll see you in a couple hours. Exactly. Keith goes, and he's like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I'm like, oh shit. Okay, Keith is

going to the bathroom to jerk off. Because Keith doesn't have a door or walls. So Keith's going to jerk off. If he jerks off, he's going to want a cigarette. The cigarettes are on my patio. But I need to jerk off, too. He's going to catch me jerking off. So I've got to give him the cigarettes while I know he's jerking off in the bathroom

so I can go jerk off and he doesn't catch me. It's like Ocean's 13 of masturbation. Yeah, yeah. And then we go out to the front porch just 30 minutes later, and we're like, yeah, that's exactly what we're doing. You guys know each other. It was some real gift of the Magi shit. Yeah.

All right. Well, that's it for the mailbag. I have one more thing we need to touch on, and then we'll wrap up and get out of here. Oh, I forgot about this. Yeah. So just to catch you up on this. Tom, when he was a kid, got accepted to a school – or didn't get accepted, but he applied to a school.

Oh, no. Shut up. Listen. He applied to a school called the Van Damme Academy in Orange County. Now, he was convinced. He says that he was told that it was founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme. Oh, my God. I knew you were going to say that, Keith. And here's the thing.

We told him no. We told him there's no way that's true. We Googled it. There was no information. There's no link at all. Yeah, and he's insistent. He won't believe us. He won't believe anybody we've asked.

He won't believe common sense. So I'd like to read a series of emails. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. I've got to find this fucking thing. Are Wait, wait, wait. Hang on a second. I've got to find this fucking thing. Are they in Dutch? Oh, fuck. All right.

So I sent this to the Van Damme Academy. To whom may concern. Hello, my name is Keith Carey. I'm a comedian in Los Angeles, and I'm writing you with a very strange question. One of my co-hosts on my podcast applied years ago to the Van Damme Academy. He has been incredibly adamant that the school was founded by 80s action star Jean-Claude Van Damme. I assume this to be false, partly because

the names are spelled differently, partly because there's no evidence of this connection online, and mostly because he is a profound idiot. As he refuses to believe me, my colleagues, or common sense, I'm asking that you please just send me back a quick email confirming that the Van Damme Academy was not in fact

founded by Jean-Claude Van Damme, star of Bloodsport, Street Fighter the movie, and Bloodsport 2. Thank you for your time and thank you for your assistance in both preserving your school's reputation and making my friend look like a dum-dum. I received the

following email from the Van Damme Academy. Hi, Keith. Jean-Claude Van Damme did not from the Van Damme Academy. Hi, Keith. Jean-Claude Van Damme did not establish the Van Damme Academy. It was founded by educator Lisa Van Damme. But it occurred to me Tom Goss may in fact be, how did you put it, a profound idiot. So we've settled the Van Damme Academy. All right. That's like a diploma.

Yeah. Yeah. That's better than getting into this. You've been called dumb by this school twice diploma. Yeah. Yeah. That's better than getting into this. You've been called dumb by this school twice now. Yeah. Yeah.

They sure have. Yeah. All right. Well, I just wanted to get that up there. Steve, thank you so much for coming in. No problem.

Thanks. Where can they find you online? At Steve Renazizi. Steve Renazizi dot com. Nice. Give me a podcast. A new podcast called

Hear Me This Book. Yes, that's right. It's episode 30 coming out. So that's on all things. I'll put the link to. A couple of guys from Mean Boys have been on there. Go check it out. I'll put the link to that in the show notes so people can just pop right over. Perfect.

Thank you. And you're going to get all of our Darknet activists. Death to the film is coming back. Guy Fawkes wearing mask dudes. You can follow me at Keith Tells Jokes on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, all that shit. Oh, GossGoss6, Instagram, Twitter. Connor McSpadden, Mean Boys Live Shows. We'll plug those in the intro that you probably skipped over.

Cool. But yeah, I think that's it. Fuck everything, God is dead. Have yourself a merry 9-11. Make the skyline gray. If you're Steve, ground zero was ten miles away.