Mean Boys - EP 8 - The Life of Carnok

Episode Date: February 11, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week's segments include "Mexican Joke Off", "The Emotional Dunk Tank", "Which of the Following", "Attack Ads", "Bellingsley and Worthington", and a "Carnok Campaign Update". Our sponsor is Jared Jewlers. Follow us on twitter @meanboyspodcast, email us at [e-mail] and visit us on the web at http://www.meanboyspodcast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Joe Dosh. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... An autistic person's drawing of a twink. Hooray! Oh, shapeless beanie baby. There's a hole and now I'm lumpy.

You should have a fucking red tie tag sticking off your ear. You adorable dope. I thought I would be worth more by now. I was important in the 90s, but it didn't work out. Exactly. You're like the Princess Diana Beanie Baby. You were valued at one time and now you should just belong with other refugees. Okay.

I think we've had a lot of fun at the expense of other people on this podcast but I draw the line at Princess Diana Joe your fucking garage sale identity what kind of fucking gay person are you shitting on Princess Diana

that is the most turncoat homosexual move I was like traitor I was you know here's the same thing gay people get on me about Madonna too

I feel nothing for Madonna fucking Madonna I agree she's the worst I agree yeah like if I ever sing Lady Gaga. Well, it's like people are like, Lady Gaga jacked her style.

No, she did it better. Haters. Yeah. Okay? No, for sure. Yeah. Madonna's got like three songs. Lady Gaga.

Listen to the fame. It's all fucking radio hits. Wall to wall. Dude, our one gay fan is fuming right now. It's just fucking. How dare you? His name is Fuming. Fuming Hemingsworth.

In Boulder City, Nevada. How much did Lady Gaga crush the National Anthem? That is the one version of the National Anthem I thought was good. She killed it hard. I thought it was pretty whatever. And I'm not just saying that to stir the pot. I thought it was good. I mean, I wasn't like, oh, my God.

But I was like, you know, it's cool. I like her. And she looked like Hillary Clinton at the Hunger Games. It was great. Okay. Well, we're all riled up. I think it's time to get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Sha-na-na-na-na-na-mean! Mean!

I'll take it off this beat. Sha-na-na-na-na-na- a mean is definitely tough to top, but here we go. A Japanese lawmaker resigned after admitting an affair with a Tokyo kimono fitter. In other news, kimono fitter declared the new Japanese N-word. A 500-year-old shipwreck has emerged from beneath the ocean. Experts who were sent to investigate the wreck have issued a statement about their findings saying, quote, G-g-g-g-g-ghosts! the ocean. Experts who were sent to investigate the wreck have issued a statement about their findings saying, quote, ghosts! Oh, Keith, I'll say

you're a real Scooby douche for that one. Oh, no, you Scooby did. No, it doesn't even work. You do. You look like the janitor at the abandoned amusement park. The killer through the whole thing, but like, oh, no, it wasn't old Mr. Carey. I would have gotten away

with a two-for-one for these meddling mean boys. U.S. Marshals are arresting students for not paying back their college loans. In related news, the irony police have arrested the entire U.S. Treasury Department.

I like that. It's pithy. That deserved more laughter. You know, but it's one of these things where, like, that's humorous. It's not really funny, you know? It's like a fucking... It's like a New Yorker cartoon.

We should do the Mean Boys New Yorker cartoons that just say cunt and have... Oh, God. We'd really... Okay, we'll think of some, and then we'll get our team of fan art army on it. Our one person? Yeah, Olivia, are you listening? Draw a bear saying the N-word, okay? By the way, addressing the fans of their creations,

we have a Twitter user who started pitching slash fiction about us and then never followed through. He wrote a pretty solid opening paragraph. He sure did. It got me pretty solid. Yeah, hey-o. If you don't finish that, whatever your worthless ad handle is, I will block you.

Some little spork and some bullshit. Yeah, we'll get you. First of all, you've got 18 Yaoi pictures to get through before we get into any of these other ideas. So, great. A Nazi board game where the players invade Great Britain First of all, you've got 18 Yaoi pictures to get through before we get into any of these other ideas. A Nazi board game where the players invade Great Britain has sold for 1,000 pounds at an English auction. The collector expects to earn even more money for his next item, Hungry Hungry Butchers of the Balkans. Can I say, I think a better name for the show at midnight would be Hungry Hungry Quippos.

You can say that, but you sure shouldn't. Well, you guys are going to listen. I don't enjoy your jokes, but I'll defend to the death your right to say that. A planned anti- Beyonce rally floundered with practically no attendance. Would-be protesters said they would have come, but they were busy trying to call the police on their own shadows.

I like it. Pithy. Not very good. I liked it. If you want to go to an anti- Beyonce protest, it's called Ross Trust for Less and they're open nationwide. That was the faggiest thing ever uttered in my presence. Hey, you're rubbing off on me. Oh, God. Chemical

samples showed... I had a cop once shove my face in poppers and tell me to smell it harder, and that was not as faggy as what just came. Holy shit! Joe, what kind of buttholes wide shut parties are you going to? It was for my own good. Guys wide shut.

He knew I had a show next day and couldn't be sore. He was serving and protecting. Exactly! He knew I was a naughty boy, and I needed to be punished or I wouldn't learn my lesson. Oh wait, it's time for this week's Joe's Spank Bank.

I want to fill your bum up with cum. I don't know how to... Oh god. It's fucking English male domination. I want to fill your bum with cum. Bum. Give me a gummy bum. It's fucking English male domination. I want to fill your bum with cum. Bum. I've got a tissue of bum cum.

Give me a cummy bum. A little cummy bae. Give me a cumble bottle. I masturbate while a constable knocks me on the head. You ready? Chemical samples show that the Islamic State has been using mustard gas in Iraq. The Jewish resistance force they were fighting said, We love spicy mustard, but this is ridiculous.

Boy. A Spanish civil servant was fired after secretly not attending his job for six years. Pompous Americans at tapas restaurants announced he took a two-year nap after lunch and a four-year dinner. That's how they live over there. Lady Gaga paid tribute to the late David Bowie

at the Grammys this weekend. Eyewitnesses say Bowie watched proudly from gay heaven, or as it's more commonly known, hell. I love any kind of gay hell joke. I know you do. That was for Connor. A man has been sentenced to 50 years in prison for his part in filming and distributing Animal Crush barnyard torture videos. No word yet on whether or not Farm Hub and Mooj's subscribers will be refunded

their dowries. Mooj? Animal Crush is my favorite Facebook game. You know, I don't know. Animal Crush! Oh, no. Oh, yeah. It was rude. Come watch this puppy be sad and then not alive anymore.

Dude, I'm sick of that creepy guy from high school sending me animal crush invites. I mean, I saw him at the reunion, but gee. Scientific American released a list of the most toxic types of animal venom. The list included pit vipers, brown recluse spiders, and Keith Carey's mother's spirit. There it is. Deadpool broke box office records by making $135 million over its opening weekend. This is expected to usher in a new era of more adult-oriented superhero films, beginning with next summer's Once You Go Black Panther, You Never Go Back Panther.

Hold the silence. Leave it. Hold it. There. That was the profit amount of silent punishment. People mispronounce things sometimes. Yeah, fuck you, fuck you. This is all I have.

You are not taking it off me. We're bullying you right now. Oh, God. Oh, man. Shove your face in some poppers. This is going to be like how just like one day on the Cosby show, there's one of the bitches was just a different black bitch. We're just going to all of a sudden, you're going to be a different fat guy.

Can we make a children's movie about Joe taking care of kids he doesn't like called Mary Poppers? Yeah, you're trying to dig your way out of the hole, but your shovel broke, and then you hit yourself in the head with a stick. You almost laughed and then realized the bit would be funnier if you guys were still meeting. He's trying to dig his way through to China, the other end of the world. Just tell a fucking joke. The Obama administration has approved the opening of the first U.S. factory in Cuba. The nothing-to-see-here-totally-not-a-missile-silo innocent tractor company factory is set to open in June.

Australian scientists discovered an albino baby turtle. After the discovery, they recommended Mr. McSpadden put his shell back in. Oh, man. Oh, man. Just Photoshop me onto Franklin's body. And then Emma's paint, just paint Bucket White his entire skin. You're like fucking Franklin's bad friend from down the street.

My grandma's not here. I have swords. Oh, man. You nailed so many aspects right there. A Los Angeles family sued a local Denny's this week for making them and other African-American customers prepay for their meals. Another stroke of bad news for the company. After last year's ill-fated menu edition, Moon Crickets over my hammy. I liked it.

I don't get it. A Moon Cricket is a racial slur. They have a dish called Moons over my hammy. I liked it. I don't get it. A moon cricket is a racial slur. They have a dish called moons over my hammy. And you are very gay and don't go to Denny's. Good job. Yeah. Turkish planes have violated Greek airspace approximately 22 times in the last 24 hours. In the same time frame, Turkish odor violated airport nostril space approximately infinity times. They are fragrant people.

I think that's it, right? Yeah, I think that's it. All right, that was... I have one more I can share. Okay. Vladimir Putin has mobilized 8,000 Russian troops to the Ukrainian border for, quote, military exercises. One of the army's favorite exercises includes shoot a 90-year-old woman against a bar in jumping jacks. Aye, aye, so me the ogre. exercises. One of the Army's favorite exercises includes shoot a 90-year-old woman against a barn jumping jacks.

Aye, aye, so mediocre. It wasn't worth it. It sure wasn't. Quick sidebar. While we were walking up, me and Keith saw two cholos selling cookies door-to-door. And I

feel like all the names of their cookies are just different nicknames for the people in the gang. Like, hey, get tag along. We're going to Samoa's house. Jesus, there's bathtub meth underneath some Thin Mints. Do you want a box of double fudge little spiders? We're trying to raise money for a trip. Fudge in, fudge out, homies. I feel like two competing gang members have, like, you know, daughters in the Girl Scouts,

and they, like, can't be outsold by MS-13s. They just have the whole force of the gang behind it. Oh, my God. El Carbo. El Carbo. El Chaco. Damn it. Why the fuck?

How dumb do I have to be to not see El Chaco? I mean, I liked El Carbo better. El Carbo was pretty good. I mean, it didn't work, but. I'm just trying to riff on top of the riff, man. I know. Yeah, you know what? I think the beauty of this podcast is that we work together.

Teamwork makes the mean work. We either make ourselves better or we make ourselves worse. Either way, we're all in the same direction. Teamwork makes the mean work. That's the most inspiring, untrue thing I've ever... Okay. I think it's time to get into our next segment. I think so, too. The emotional

dunk tank. Splash. We're not dropping the jingle in. It's just you going, splash. I'm fine with that being the jingle. You can play a beatnik bass behind it. Splash. Dunk going, splash. I'm fine with that being the jingle. You can play like a beatnik bass behind it. Doom, doom, doom, doom, splash. Dunkin' Danny.

You have the body like an upright bass. This week in the dunk tank, Antonin Scalia. He just passed after he lost his long battle with karma. It was pretty sad. I wrote that on Facebook, and then The Onion did it. So, hey, guys. Your version was better than The Onion's. I think it was pretty sad. I wrote that on Facebook and then The Onion did it. Your version was better than The Onion's. I think it was too. I'm as funny as The Onion. Where's my writing jobs?

Yeah, exactly. You were interesting in the Bush administration. I want to write a think piece. I can't even say it. I don't really even know what they are. It makes your mouth bleed a little bit. Think piece. Why is one of my teeth loose? I don't understand.

Oh, God. Fucking Scalia was mouth bleed a little bit. Yeah. Thick piece. Why is one of my teeth loose? I don't understand. Oh, God. Fucking Scalia was such a piece of shit. He looks like a cab driver who would sniff the seat after his passengers got out. Yeah. He looks like he always just found out he's not getting his Christmas bonus this year. Like he... The kids want to pool! He's like if Danny DeVito and George Costanza did the Dragon Ball Z fusion dance.

Yeah. And he was the most anti-gay justice we've ever had. And ironically, he looks like what Barney Frank would look like if he stayed in the closet. Lots of shame. Wow. Self-loathing weight. I just want to point this out. Another comic, Adam Posse from Seattle, pointed out that he looks like the baby from Dinosaurs.

Oh, that's fucking hilarious. So all I could think when I heard that was just, who decides what happens to a fetus? Not the mom! I'm dissenting. You have to hate me. Oh, man. Oh, shit, I had one.

Yeah, I think when he was created, Keith Carey was the good half that got jettisoned away and was raised by wolves. The wolves did the better job. They sure did. There's a lot of veiled Dragon Ball similes going on here. To be fair, Reagan wanted to nominate

an Italian judge because he wanted some diversity in his gay genocide aid squad. If it's just a bunch of white people working to let the most hopeful epidemic ever... That's the Supreme Court's version of like, Hey, Black Widow's a chick. The Avengers are diverse. Yeah, exactly.

I love the people on Facebook who are like, hey, you guys, let's not celebrate a death, even if it's somebody we don't like. If you're a Republican, your platform is reveling in death. You made t-shirts of it. Well, and these people are just so insecure. They don't feel like they exist unless they have something to say.

How do I be the best? Oh, on a related related story i got into a twitter feud with one of my uh favorite am radio show hosts uh because i uh you know my time is valuable and uh you know i was i was i was razzing him about teasing kanye west and then he quoted that tweet i'd put out about scalia and he was like do they have air conditioning in your glass house? And I was like, what? No, that my thing was funny. You just,

you'd said something like, well, you just get Kim to make another sex tape. Okay. Go back to fucking 2008. Mo Kelly. I'm going to remember this conversation. Next time you tell me you don't have time to read.

You just said I got in a Twitter feud with an AM radio host. It's a fucking obsolete medium versus another obsolete medium. Hey, I'm bulking up. I'm an obsolete large now. Oh, God. By the way, I think the reason that Scalia died hunting quail is he likes hunting quail because he can fit one in each of his jowls. For the winter.

I got two birds in my mouth. I think he's had the same jawbreaker stuck in there since the Clinton administration. Did you hear about his funeral plans? They're giving him a Viking burial. They're just going to push him out to sea in a gravy boat. Hey, I'll have you know, I'm halfway through Slaughterhouse, a third of the way through Slaughterhouse-Five. Way to go.

Is there a Slaughterhouse one and a half? I think you'd take the rest of the year off. Is this how they rate you on Grindr? You're a Slaughterhouse one and a half? If you finish that before August, I'll fucking blow you. I win either way. You get to taste your hero. Oh, God.

What an unpleasant interaction that was. Well, I think we can all agree we're glad he's dead. His body is cold. Oh, for sure. I mean, we here at the Mean Boys Podcast revel in all death. Yeah, we sure do. The force that gives us power. Literally, if we came in here one week and no one died,

Mexican Jokoff would just be nothing. Oh, yeah. There'd be more fat jokes about me. We're going to run out of atrocities eventually. Don't say that. The world's a nightmare. That's true. See, it all works out.

It's a good thing Scalia's body is colder than Ayn Rand's cunt. Fucking objectivist twat. I mean, I've never seen something so dry called the fountainhead fellas. Yeah, it's more like the dust head. Am I right over here? She was like, do you want to come eat this pussy? I was like, I am a shrug. You libertarian bitch!

Are you doing objectivist dice clay right now? Selfishness is the only virtue. Whoa. Hey, the church of Satan makes some good points. That's all I'm saying over here. All right. Well, that was the emotional dunk tank. And, you know,

I think that was a great first half of the show. I agree. We're recording this during the day, so we're all peppy. And we've got to pay the bills soon. I think it's time for a word from our sponsors. When you step into the voting booth, remember that Keith Carey physically can't step into a voting booth. The average dimensions of an American polling station are three feet by four feet, and Keith has an average width of approximately eight feet. Keith Carey won't be able to negotiate with Putin. The American taxpayers will have to pay for two plane seats every time he flies to

Russia. Keith Carey says he won't raise taxes. If taxes are anything like his pants, I believe him on that one. Keith Carey is fat. Our last fat president was named Taft, which rhymes with shaft, something Keith Carey has been known to enjoy. How can we expect him not to flip-flop on the issues when he flip-flops on his sexuality? Keith Carey's campaign is funded almost entirely by corrupt corporations and big butter. Keith Carey's vice presidential pick is a gas station cinnamon roll. How will a cinnamon roll cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate? It's an inanimate object, and besides, it's full of so many preservatives it will probably outlive him and it might become our next president. America can't afford to make a cinnamon roll

president. America needs someone to lead, not to feed. Paid for by Kale. Ah, a ripping good soiree, don't you agree, Danforth? Yes, sir. Ripping good. Indeed, sir. Yes, yes. Everyone agrees my formal events are the toast of Westfordshire, and by Jove, I mean to keep it that way. I... Danforth! Danforth! Standing by the cabinet of

Christaware, who invited Worthington to my party? Who, sir? Worthington, my social rival. He's dedicated his very existence to destroying my cultural standing. I can't have him here. He'll embarrass me in front of the Countess. Oh, hello, Countess. Hello, Billingsley. A truly top-notch bacchanal you've thrown. Top-notch. Oh, thank you, Countess. I have found that...

Worthington. Hello, Billingsley. A fine party you've thrown. I particularly enjoyed your Belgian champagne flutes. I believe they were quite the rage last season? Oh, my. Ta. Worthington! The next day.

Danforth! Who let all these escaped rhesus monkeys into my study? They're hurling their instrument, Danforth! My Monte Cristos are tainted with the feces, Danforth! Who is to blame for this? A Mr. Pendergrast, sir. Ah, Pendergrast, that old whip. What a delightful prank from the Oxford scoundrel. Just a moment, sir.

It appears it was a Mr. Worthington, sir. Worthington! Several months later. Danforth! Danforth, I'm in the hospital. What happened, Danforth? You were in a horrific crash in the Aston Martin, sir. Both of your kidneys were crushed beyond repair,

sir. We've had all feared you dead. Hey, God! You required an emergency transplant at once if you were to survive, sir. Because of your exceedingly rare blood type, there were no matches in the hospital as reserves. There was but one compatible living donor within hundreds of miles, and luckily, he agreed to donate one of his kidneys to save your life. But who? Who is this glorious guardian angel of a man?

It is I, Billingsley. Worthington! But why? It cannot be! Because I hate you, Billingsley. And I enjoy hating you. I thought I had no purpose on this earth until I discovered the joy of destroying your social standing, and I'll not let your death deprive me of that.

So you will live, Billingsley. From now on, every mediocre party you throw, every tedious, uninspired cotillion you host, every breath you draw will be because I have willed it so. I will be part of your very body, Billingsley, judging you, mocking you, until you cannot have a single thought that isn't haunted by my judgmental gaze forever. Ta-ta, Billingsley.

Ta-ta. Worthington! Worthington! Connor McSpadden has the charisma of a sock puppet. He was molested as a child and lives with his parents. Can you trust a man who's no more than an emotionally stunted baby slut? Can you trust a man who looks like a potato salad flavored gummy worm? Conor McSpadden hosted a comedy show blocks away from the San Bernardino shooting hours after it happened.

An incensed McSpadden remarked, I hope those dead office faggots bought tickets already, and radicalized schmaticalized. Conor McSpadden wants to be your king of mean boys. Do you want a leader who looks like a transgendered Avril Lavigne? Paid for by the partnership for Joe Dosh for Princess of Cruelty. Wretched pig children of America, kneel before Karnak, the bloodfeaster! Scourge upon your gods, decapitator of the innocent, king of all hellfire!

Last month I stepped forth into your realm to announce my candidacy as president of your feeble nation. And now I grace your pathetic ears with a campaign update! I have been traveling the United States in the official Carnock 2016 tour bus, which is less of a bus than it is a pleasure tent filled with the finest ales and whores and carried on the broad backs of my strongest slaves. I've made the rounds, taking hands and

killing babies. All of my speaking engagements have been triumphant successes, although your corrupt media refers to them not as political rallies, but mass killings. Leave it to the bastard children of Yahweh to wield their influence against me, but it concerns me not. When elected, Karnak will round up the Jew worms and slaughter their tribe with eight crazy knives.

It is a reference to your court jester Adam Sandler. It is a reference to your court jester Adam Sandler. Karnak is funny and relatable. Adjust your perceptions or swallow many spiders. You may have seen my most recent television appearance. The fish princess, Ellen DeGeneres, taught me the nay-nay. In return, I taught her the true meaning of suffering. Despite my popularity, I have yet to be invited to the debates.

Will none of your cowardly journalists speak when faced with the dark truth of Carnock? Raise your voices to the sodomite Anderson Cooper and tell him I will not be ignored. The ancient mystic Sanders speaks of revolution, but he is an old fool. His bones are brittle by ancient heresy and his economic policies are optimistic at best. Hope is a lie, and you are a false prophet. The icy golem Hillary claims she is treated unfairly because of her vagina. Carnock abhors sexism. I will face Hillary as an equal on the battlefield. Choose your finest weapon and come forth to your doom.

I will remove your skin to make a pantsuit, and in it I will taunt your mourning daughter. Rumblings on the wind say the one you call Ted Cruz is making progress. Carnock knows the truth. He will never be president. Your constitution is worth less than whore piss to Carnock, but it clearly states only a native son of America may rule this land, and Ted Cruz is no American. The one you call Cruz is of another race. In my realm, they are known as the underdwellers. They hide in packs on the banks of the great

sulfur lake, emerging only to eat their daily meal of jagged rocks and goblin smegma. I see your true form, cruise, and I will destroy you. Heed my word. I will fill your anus with snakes and throw you into the sun. Anyway, busy times ahead.

More rallies, more press, and I will be appearing on Saturday Night Live because you weak-minded imbeciles demand your kings pander to you like common fools. And also because Carnock is a big fan of Kenan Thompson. But remember, vote Carnock! It's change you can be drowned in.

Joe Dash claims to be what this country needs. But what do we really know about Joe? Joe is from South Dakota, birthplace of nothing interesting ever. And yet he doesn't even have a meth problem. What kind of sick man looks at the most boring place on earth and thinks, well, this is just fine. What is he hiding? Joe claims he'll be tough on foreign policy,

but how can he lead our troops when his hairline is constantly retreating? Joe is gay, but not like fun, sassy Will and Grace gay. Sinister, back alley gay, giving secret blowjobs to your dad gay. How can we expect Joe Dosh to stand up to ISIS when he's always on his knees?

Joe claims to be tough on immigration, but his southern border has been wide open since the day he discovered poppers. Joe promises sweeping economic reform laws, but if his legislative actions are anything like his work at the comedy store, they'll never pass. If we wanted a half-retarded Nazi sympathizer,

at least Donald Trump has money. Vote no on Joe. This Valentine's Day, if you want to put a smile on that special lady's face, go to Jared. Oh my God, you guys, look. Michael proposed last night. He went to Jared. He went to Jared. Whoa, he went to Jared?

He went to Jared. He went to Jared. Jared. He went to Jared. Oh my God, you, he went to Jared? Jared. You, Jared. Oh my God, it's totally Jared.

Jared. Hey, Jared. Jared. Hey, Jared. Jared? Jared! Jared! Jared! Jared! Jared!

Jared! Jared! Jared! Jared. So make sure you stop by Jared. All right, and we're back. Wow, I mean, for a podcast that's in its eighth week, we had about like 20 minutes of advertising.

We sure did. We sure did. It's really odd. We should ask the audience to vote on who should be president of. Oh, yeah. Okay, well, I mean, we had some. It's political season. We had some ads placed.

We'll put out a Twitter poll, and hopefully some of our Russian Spambot followers will contribute. We vote number one Ray-Bans, American USA tit. Keith, I didn't know you spoke spam email so fluently. Yeah, if you can vote, you can be declared a mean boy super delegate. That just means you get to fist Joe. Yeah. Get him right in the pooper pack.

Everyone wins. Everybody wins. All right. Well, you know, our trusty producer is actually not with us this week, but that doesn't change the fact that we have a round of Witch of the Following! Witch of the Following! We're going! Sha-na-na-na-na-na mean! Mean!

That should play in between every segment. I really... I want to get it to... Oh, dude, I'm going to do that from now on. Because I have been using a little radio like... Or like... But now it's going to be, mean, mean. You got to have the guitar behind it. I'll figure it out.

I will do that. I'm going to watch you bleed. This week's Which of the Following is actually suggested by one of our listeners, the hilarious and talented Ryan Buds. Check him out. He was in the movie Sharknado. He's a good friend of mine. Very, very funny guy.

He sent me this list on Wikipedia, and I could not resist. So, guys, which of the following is not a real Wild West gunslinger? Oh, hell yeah. A, William Curly Bill Brocious. B, Shotgun John Collins. C, Jim Killer Miller. Or D, Quick Jimmy Slick. I like Brocious.

That's like a minor character in Deadwood. Curly Bill is real dumb, so I feel like it's real. God, these are all good. I think all bills are curly because you write them on that big brown parchment, right? And you've got to roll them up. Yeah, then you post them so you can find outlaws and bandits. Yeah. Cattle wrestlers and such. Yeah, I you post them so you can find outlaws and bandits. Yeah. Eventually cattle wrestlers and such.

Yeah, I can't be wrestling cattle. Saddle thieves. I'm going to go with Jim Killer Miller. I'm going to go with Shotgun John Collins. I think you could definitely wrestle a claim jumper. The fake gunslinger is D. Quick Jimmy Slick. Oh, okay. There's no slicks.

There's no family of slicks that moved to the Wild West from Ireland. The Virginia Slicks? That's the kind of dicks that you suck, Virginia Slicks. They're extra skinny. They changed their name from Mick Slick when they moved from Belfast to avoid anti-Irish discrimination. Number two. A. Cool Hand Connor O'Neill. B. Jessica Thunder Thurston.

C. Boone Helm, a.k.a. the Kentucky Cannibal, or D, Dynamite Dan Clifton? I feel like there's a lot more Kentucky cannibals than Lexington just because of the meth problem. We run out of chips. I'm going to go. Joe, if you could also talk into the microphone like you're a broadcaster. Oh, excuse me.

That might help. Yeah, I suppose. I'm going to go with Dynamite Dan Clinton. I'm going to say Cool Hand Connor. The fake gunslinger is Jessica Thunder Thurston. Damn. Oh, yeah, it's a lady. They couldn't do stuff then.

No. Not really. Yeah, they just manned the smelling salts and the apothecaries. Exactly. They were wearing bonnets and getting fucked near where they make beans. Exactly. Annie Oakley was like the Lindy West of the Wild West. They just kind of were humoring her. Awful and shitty?

Yeah. Do you think if Annie Oakley knew the douchebags that would wear her sunglasses, she wouldn't have even gone for a life of notoriety? Oh, I suppose not. I've never been in an Oakley store that didn't smell like weed. I don't know about you guys. Oh, yeah. It's awful.

I don't know. Do they just put a nug next to the air conditioner ventilator and just let it fumigate? Yeah, it's called bro-pourri. Yeah, when you go... Ha! It's a monster energy drink. A nug of some dirt weed.

That's how you find them. Some Axe. They're not even on the mall directory. Oh. Three. A. Cornelius Lame Johnny Donahue. B. Richard H. Rattlesnake Dick Barter C. Jefferson Randolph Soapy Smith Smith

Or D. Cliff the Undertaker Underwood Rattlesnake Dick Well, yeah, but no, his name is Richard So, like, you know, Dick was usually Yeah, yeah See, that's what I said It didn't mean that once you fuck him, you got eight hours to live. Unless someone sucks his cum.

I was like, did the snake get his dick? No, no, no. When he fucks you, you need someone to suck the cum out of your pussy before it spreads. Oh, God. That's what it is. Like his dick is the snake and also the antidote. So he fucks everyone twice. Yeah.

That's Richard Dick's game. Shun-a-na-na-na-na-mean. I think, I want to think that Soapy Smith is real because people who have, you know, like innocuous nicknames, they're usually the most terrifying. Like, he would probably, like, he'd probably murder people with one of those little Derringer guns and just watch them, like, shoot a tiny bullet in their brain and watch them just slowly bleed to death. Yeah. Like, oh, Soapy Smith, what'd he do?

Fucked a kid with a hammer? Yeah. Like on some, uh, you know, Country for Old Men shit? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Oh, God. I for Old Men shit. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I'm going to say Cliff the Undertaker Underwood. Yeah, me too.

The fake gunslinger is Cliff the Undertaker Underwood. Ah, boom. Get it. Three. Which of the following is not a real Wild West gunslinger? A. Slippery Wilhelm Knight. B. Jack Powers. C. Thomas Blackjack Ketchum

or D. Harvey Kid Curry Logan Kid Curry Also an Indian rapper. Slippery Willem sounds like a German. I'm on my pursuit of happiness and I know day and night I work all the time

because I don't have money. I want tech support for happiness. I want tech support for happiness. Slippery Wilhelm sounds like a German comedian. Look at Slippery Wilhelm. He falls down frequently. He steps on the banana peel to the spread of futility of life. His antics make me forget that when we die, we all go to the same hell.

Yeah. Joe, do you know anything about German comedy? Are there just people like, We will all be merely live for the unborn. I look up German society a lot because I want to go there eventually one day, and that's where my family's from. They just sound like they just... They're like our podcast with less silliness.

They just delight in like, ha ha ha, he thought he would never face the Grim Reaper's bite but then he did. He felt the pain would perhaps end but he was mistaken. His foolish hopes were doused away. How delightful. Anyway, I'm going to say Slippery Wilhelm. Slippery Wilhelm for sure sounds like some old-timey gay sex movie.

Okay, guys. The old Slippery Wilhelm over at the YMCA. The fake one is indeed Slippery Wilhelm. Yeah, we knew. You were so happy when you wrote that. You know, I don't know. I did this literally 15 minutes before I had to leave. I imagine you just coming up with that and giggling,

and then your mom coming in with fresh laundry, and you just stop. Go to your mom? I got to put on those PJs while they're still warm, Joe. I'm creating a fucking podcast network. All right, the final question. All real or all fake? Richard Little Dick West, Dangerous Dan Tucker,

Dirty Steve Stevens, or William Brazelton? What? You know what? My brain says all fake, but my heart wants to say all real. So I'm going to say all real. I genuinely don't know. I'm going to say all real. Those are all real, guys.

I realized the trick to doing an all real or all fake. When you start making the game, you pick the four bat shittiest ones first and then save them for last. But yeah, William Brazelton. That's outstanding. It's like all the it's all like all the whores in the town. There comes all Will Brazelton walking into town. His balls taste like saddles, I hear. Instead of shopping Oklahoma City

and then years later that's where Brazzers came from. You don't know how many times during the Mexican joke off I was trying to think of some kind of pun. I wanted to do Brazzers for my animal porn one, but I knew in the moment I would track and not be able to do the sheep sound.

Like instead of browsers? No, browsers. It's a heterosexual porn site. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. I thought you were talking like web browsers and you were going to... Yeah, that would be real bad, Joe. Like your idea is that much better.

Shut up. That is an uninspired sheep sound joke. How dare you, Joe? Okay. Me and my philistine ways over here. Shut up. All right. Well, hey, I think that's the podcast for this week, guys.

I sure do as well. Keith's recording his album somewhere that's too far for you to drive there at some time you don't care about. Joe is going to be bombing at some kind of casino restaurant operation for a week. Connor will be jingling keys in front of Mexicans. Yeah, I think that's all the plugs. Please leave us a review on iTunes. That helps us out.

I want ISIS jokes in the new and noteworthy section. I just think that would be so great if that had to happen. Follow us on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. You can send us an email through our website, meanboyspodcast.com. And vote for president of Mean Boys. Oh, yeah, please. Cast your vote, all right?

This is really serious because we got to – what are the stakes for the election? Honor. No, it has to be some kind of cruelty that we can leverage over the other ones. Maybe the person who gets the least votes, they just have to take like – we write political attack ads solely about them and they don't get to retaliate. I was going to say, remember my pitch about the psychedelics episode? Oh, they have to do the episode on Salvia? Oh, God. Oh, well, that's a bit of a conflict of interest with Joe's personal life.

Oh, yeah, it sure was. That's all right. Never mind. Yeah, you just have to do it while looking at some of my porn. Oh, God. We already tried that. I just saw a shiver go down his spine. It really did.

He saw it rattle. Yeah. Conor's porn opened holes in my soul that God should bolt shut. How many times do you want to reuse that fucking phrase? Did I already? You one-trick pony. Oh. Somebody hit Joe's pole string.

Yeah. But yeah, thank you guys for listening to the show. Everyone's nice words mean a lot to us. And, you know, we don't have to be mean all the time. Sometimes we can be. We can be nice, boys. Oh, I hate this. Okay.

This feels terrible. All right. Fucking drown in failure, you idiots. Goodbye. Go swallow thumbtacks, you pieces of garbage. We'll see you next week.