Mean Boys - EP 80 - Dairy Sanchez (Live feat. Nat Baimel, Ehsan Ahmad, Sameer Suri, & Kelly Ryan)

Episode Date: September 21, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Porn Comment or Yelp Review", “Did They Die?”, "Guess Your Fetish", "New Names" and "The Tom Lightning Round". Get the new Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium T-Shirt: https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/1924828-mean-boys-mark-malloys-anime-emporium?store_id=135163 Visit our new sponsor mybookie.ag for all your gambling needs! Use promo code "MEAN" when you add funds for an up to 100% price match. Buy the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounge Chair here: www.amazon.com/dp/B073Y4V36F Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Nat Baimel on Twitter: twitter.com/natbaimel Follow our guest Kelly Ryan on Twitter: twitter.com/orisitkelly Follow our guest Sameer Suri on Twitter: twitter.com/suri_sameer Follow our guest Ehsan Ahmad on Twitter: twitter.com/mrjbahmad Follow our guest Mommy Cat on Twitter: twitter.com/mommie_cat Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. It sure is. How y'all doing? Very special thanks to our guests on this live edition. We got Kelly Ryan, Samir Suri, Hasan Ahmad, and Nat Bymel. Please follow them all on social medias. We'll have their links in the show notes. Yeah, and thank you to everybody who came to the live show in Harvill. This was a real fun one.

This was a fun one. A very, very special thanks to Miss Catherine Walters for beating the shit out of us. Go check out the slow motion video of Keith getting flogged in the gut. Yeah, I got hit real hard, and it's a huge bummer. And hearing the out the slow motion video of keith getting flogged in the gut yeah i got hit real hard yeah it's a huge bummer and yet it's just it's hearing the audio in slow motion like a there'll be blood soundtrack type ambiance and a very special thanks to mr tom goss for playing hurt and coming out and doing the lightning round with 100 degree fever that was a good time for everybody like if he survives this is going to be the best lightning round of all time and it was yeah so uh everyone did a little stand-up. You're just here in the talking segment, so that'll be a lot of fun.

Also, we're brought to you, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Goddamn right. Eataburrito.com for all your burrito needs. They do catering. They do the best goddamn burrito in all of the San Diego area. Yeah, you can get grenades. I don't know why this is my new Don Carlos bit, is that they are a secret weapons front. Yeah, they're front fucking munitions.

Here's what they're not fronting about. Damn fine ingredients, better pizza, put it in your mouth. That was a smooth segue. And speaking of smooth segues, we were also sponsored by the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounger. It is the inflatable furniture for the home, outside, or the pool. No external pump required. You just scoop air up in there. It's kind of just a big colorful plop sack.

You roll it up and you just go fluke. Colorful plop sack. Yeah, scoop air up in there. It's kind of just a big colorful plop sack. You roll it up and you just go flook. Colorful plop sack. Yeah, it fills up with air. You sit down. You can float in it if you're trying to escape to Cuba from Florida while martial law is being imposed. It's a very versatile piece of equipment. Yeah, it's

dope shit. If you click the link in the show notes and use the comfort code. God damn it, I am dying yeah use the promo code ninja and get 20 off uh if you buy one of those from amazon via us and lounge like a ninja oh also we got a brand new teespring campaign uh going up today uh this is the mark malloy's anime emporium shirt it's basically the boston celtics logo it has goku's head he's holding the dragon ball it's pretty cool you guys it's pretty dope looking if you're an og mean boys fan and you remember the origins of mark moly uh you're definitely gonna want to pick this one up yeah if not you can go uh revisit his uh his sordid history and our bonus episode devoted to him

other than that uh the patreon is going great thank you guys so much you're uh you're really uh not only helping us uh you know keep living inside but keep producing more shows every month so this is actually going to be the extra episode for this month. Between this and the bonus episode, you've got six Mean Boys this month. So we'd love to do it twice a week. So if you guys keep contributing, we'll have bonus content for you every week. Fun little goodies.

This month we're doing a Carnock throwback campaign button and a Mean Boys classic pinback button. So all that good stuff. You guys are the best. All the shit from last month just went down to the post office and sent it off So other than that I think just enjoy the show And yeah fucking let's go Party

Hey what's going on, everybody? Hey, everybody. Tom, what are you doing? Yeah. Yeah, we brought this guy, too. We brought a guy with 12 concussions and 101 degree fever to entertain you tonight. You're welcome. If you think you can find that on any other group on purchase, then you're welcome to leave. But I think we've got the monopoly on sweaty idiots tonight in Long Beach.

Is that candy? That is candy. Yeah, that is candy on the ground. Feel free to eat it at your whim. I wish more than anything that there was no candy there, and I was like, it's going to be a long night. Welcome to Mean Boys Live, everybody. Who here has no idea what the fuck Mean Boys is?

Wow. They even do that respectfully, adding no enthusiasm to the crowd. The quiet hand raises. Adding no enthusiasm to the crowd. The people with friends. The group of people that were like, I was led to believe there's going to be titties tonight. And there will be titties. We're doing a live recording of a podcast we do every week. We've got stand-up comics, some of the best out of L.A. and Orange County. We've got titties coming.

We've got a bunch of other weird surprises ahead of us. Also, no more quiet hand raises. You're allowed to make sound. We're going to have fun tonight. Are you guys ready? Yeah. All right. We've moved up to a tepid golf clap.

You guys, this is a satanic underground fuck club, not a book club. All right? I'm going to eat a little more. How about everyone just boo us all at the same time? Everyone on the three, boo. Yeah, fuck you guys. I'm going to be honest. I just came a little bit.

You can boo us louder than that. Boo! Boo! Boo me! Oh, yeah, that's right. You hate us, don't you? Well, this went off the rails 45 seconds in. Absolutely. Quick ground rules for the titties.

Don't touch them too much. Don't be weird. The crazier you go, the more fun it is. So just get into it. All right? Yeah. But not the titties. All right.

Speaking of titties, we're going to get into our first segment, the Mexican joke. We do this every week. We scare the internet for the most fucked up things going on in the world. We write some late night style jokes for them. It's basically like watching Jimmy Fallon if he didn't suck butts. Yeah. So. Now, normally. To spice this up a little bit. some late night style jokes for him. It's basically like watching Jimmy Fallon if he didn't suck butts. To spice this up a little bit.

Normally when we do this in the studio, we just make fun of each other when our jokes are bad. However, when we do our live shows, we bring a professional dominatrix out here to keep us honest. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mistress Catherine Walters. There it is. There she is.

She's getting her supplies. Couple things. First of all, these are not the titties you expected, but they are the titties you got. Yeah. And frankly, the way you've been reacting, they're the titties you deserve. So the way this works is we've written some jokes based on some news stories. Tom is wearing nothing underneath that jacket. You fucking idiot.

You escaped Circus Barry. It's really hot, really cold. He also does not know how to unzip that jacket. Tom, there's something called layering that you need to understand as a person who needs to go outside clothed. I want to start a timer and see how long it takes him to get that on time. Tom, just pull it over your big dumb head. All right, don't. USA.

USA. USA. USA. USA. ISIS. USA. USA. ISIS. ISIS. Wait, what are we doing? Oh, shit.

So, Mistress Catherine is going to. We just overwhelmed the dominatrix, if you guys didn't see. She was just like, Jesus Christ, I've made a guy eat my poop before, and this is weird. Don't ever go through her Instagram story unless you want to be real horrified. I'm kidding. It's great. So, yeah, we're going to tell these jokes. If they suck, she's going to hit us.

Please react honestly, you guys. If you like it. Because this hurts really bad. If you don't, you know what? Just enjoy the jiggling that's about to occur. All right. God help me. Who wants to go first?

I'm electing Tom. He seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders right now. He's in the zone. Tom looks like he's currently playing Candy Crush. Maybe. Charlie Sheen is attempting to cross over to dramatic acting after being cast in a movie

about 9-11, proving that there are way worse things to share with the world than AIDS. I wish you could hit me, but I'm sick. Yeah, we're letting Tom off the hook for the punishment

because he has a fever of 103 degrees and might die, but we're gonna suck too. So everyone just spit on Tom when he bombs. It'll build up his immune system. We won't have a problem like this again. There we go. Alright, guys. Citizens in Colorado Springs are on the hunt for a jogger who is pooping on people's lawns.

Now, I've heard of having the runs, but this is ridiculous. That's the best thing I've ever heard. All right. Connor, yeah, I know. He failed. He hit me with something, all right? Well, yeah, yeah.

I'm going next. Don't worry. Hands out. Oh, I don't like this. Oh. Damn, that had some bass to it. Ow. Wow. Well, that'll teach me to take from the cookie jar.

What the fuck? I'm pretty bummed out right now. Yeah, for the people listening at home, I just started a gritty reboot of The Fairly Oddparents on Nickelodeon. A Taco Bell employee shot and killed a robber in his restaurant. When asked for comment, the employee simply said, I guess he decided to die, Moss.

I like it. I got a laugh on that one. I'm safe this time. Oh, just hit him a little bit. I'm gonna get it. Alright, fine. A little bit. Right here? Oh, tight. Oh my god. Your fucking bat wings and your plumber crack are a combination.

Here's what I don't understand. I'm the only one who did good. Oh, shit. That really sucks. Well, maybe that'll teach you to bomb next time. I did good. Tom? A woman with a rarer skin condition is being dubbed Dalmatian woman

because everyone knows the best way to make a sick person feel better is compare her to a dog. I'm so glad I'm sick right now. God. I can feel the beatings I deserve. I don't get them, though. I get sick more often. All right. Yeah, you're usually

just mentally sick, not physically sick. Thank you. It's a fun change of police. A police officer in Buckeye, Arizona is facing charges after he tackled an autistic teenager to the ground because he thought he was doing drugs. In his defense, Officer Grossman said, I don't see the problem. He was wearing a helmet. Son of a bitch. Yeah. An Ohio firefighter publicly stated that a dog's life is more valuable than that of a black man. In his defense, the dog he was talking about is Air Bud.

He's better at basketball. Ah, fuck. All right. If you look at the stats, people, I mean, we're race realists. I'm kidding. This isn't a racist podcast. I don't like how much wind up space Yeah

Hey batter batter batter They're shaking the belly I don't want any of this but it's happening Oh my god Tom Ah fuck okay AI Artificial intelligence You got AI This is a layman's term Tom? Ah, fuck. Okay. AI, artificial intelligence.

You got AI. This is a layman's term. I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home. You're the most lay of men, all right? Don't act like you're making it more accessible. AI, artificial intelligence, can now tell if you're gay after scanning a single picture. Now we know why Connor McSpadden is so good at Photoshop.

You gay, though. Yeah, guys, you heard it here first. I'm gay. It's not the last time you'll be hearing that tonight. No, certainly not. Yeah, I've got to call my mom after the show. China has stopped harvesting organs from prisoners condemned to death. In a related story, the Mean Boys podcast decided to announce we are no longer sponsored by MurderKidneys.cn.

Yeah, okay. Oh, am I doing a spank? Okay, I'll do a spank, though. I don't think you get to pick. I kind of have to shit, so... Oh, my God. Wow. All right, one more.

Oh, it's in the same spot. Oh, fuck. Fuck. Wow. That sounded like someone hit a good home run, is what it sounded like. And that happened where the poop does. So, ow.

Here's the problem. I'm looking at the jokes I have left. This isn't going to go well. All right. Donald Trump Jr. has dismissed Secret Service protection. In related news, if any Mean Boys fans in D.C. own a gun and want to win a free T-shirt, hit us up on Twitter. I'm safe. I love safe. Oh, God.

Kate Hudson posted photos of her working out with wine bottles instead of weights. Cabernet, more like you're a retarded cunt. Tom, I will give you a dollar if you can explain to me who Kate Hudson is. Yeah, she acted in some book movie or something. You know, that one was so good, I think that Kate Catherine gets to hit me. So how about that? Oh, okay.

Oh, okay, what? Oh, fuck. Free shirt. Well, I had it on the right side so people know I'm gay. Oh, my wallet. There's so many rules. It's like I'm getting on a roller coaster up here. Uh-oh.

Woo! Sure. I have to drive home. You also have to tell another joke. Oh, good. Where did I put my wallet? I have it now. I don't.

I don't. Okay. What if, though? Am I right? I have it now. I don't. I don't. Okay. What if, though? Am I right? All right, guys. Verizon Wireless has dropped service for 8,500 rural customers after providing service became too expensive. A spokesperson for the company said the majority of the bandwidth was used on secret interracial porn and calling their relatives queers. That's what you do when you live in the middle of nowhere.

All right, just hit me in the tits with something. Oh, I don't... I'm hearing the Jaws music in my head. Oh, shit! Ow! Astronomers say Uranus can be seen tonight via telescope. And I say Connor's anus can be seen tonight via secret photos I'll be selling after the show. All right. I'll get it. What? I'm going to sell pictures of Connor's anus can be seen tonight via secret photos I'll be selling after the show. All right. I'll get it.

What? I'm going to sell pictures of Connor's butt. Just hit me. Because remember, folks, I'm gay. Yeah, let's do that. Please be gentle. Oh, my God. No. No, we're fine.

We're fine. One more. No, Shane. Fucking whore man. All right. Thank Christ. Last jokes. Tom.

Man, I'm so glad I'm sick. Oh, the tit. Yeah, that was brutal. Yeah. Damn. Oh, yeah, I do have a scar on my tit. Yeah, that was brutal. Damn. Oh, yeah, I do have a scar on my tit. It's a real erotic bag of Lucky Charms. A British woman pulled her daughter out of school because the teachers were too fat.

This contradicts basic English education philosophy. You don't get any pudding if you don't eat your meat. Big Floyd, baby. Pink Floyd. No, it's pudding. Tom, I'm not arguing with you about pudding right now. I love that I've lived a life where my career has led to me watching Tom and the Dominatrix fight about Pink Floyd lyrics. Comedy rules. Follow your dreams, you idiots.

President Trump abruptly announced he would be ending the DACA program, a decision that could lead to the deportation of almost a million immigrants. This dark day in American history will be known to future generations as police navidad. And that's how you have one good tit left after the show, ladies and gentlemen. The film Mother was released this week and received a rare F grade from CinemaScore. Said film critic Ebert Dice Clay, quote, I give the movie an F, but Jennifer Lawrence the D. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Am I getting it in the front or the back, you guys? Who said front sewing? Oh, it was fucking John. Shut up, you asshole. All right, Keith, let him see your face when this happens, because it's pretty special. Taming a lion. What?

Shit. Okay, we're done with this. That's the Mexican joke up, everybody. Are you guys having a great show? One more time for Miss Catherine Walters. Keeping us honest. Giving me some shit to explain to my girlfriend later. We're going to bring up your first stand-up comic for the night.

This dude is super funny. You've seen him all over the place. Ladies and gentlemen, make it loud right now for Asan Amai. Asan Amai, everybody. And Hasan's going to hang out with us now. We play a lot of different weird games on the Mean Boys podcast. And tonight we're going to be playing one of our favorite games. This is Porn Comment or Yelp Review.

Yeah. How are you feeling about this one, buddy? You know, as a two-time guest and none-time listener, I'm really excited about really getting into this game. I'm stoked that you're 20% too ugly to be on Big Bang Theory so we couldn't book you to come do this for free. You insolent

twerp. For anybody unfamiliar, we're going to go through the annals of both Pornhub and Yelp and see if we can match which is which. So let's look at the first one. Number one. Quote, memories reminds me of when I was a teen. Oh, man.

What? See, because this is either a really nice review for a camera or somebody getting dicked down by nine black dudes. I feel like. It's like, wow, bulk otter pops. This rules. Also, nine is such a specific number of black dudes. I feel like if this is a porn video, it's a porn that's just called Van, all lowercase. Tom, what are your thoughts?

I think there's too many exclamation points for someone to not get fucked. I think that's a porn comment. Well, what do you guys think, porn or Yelp? I'm going porn. All right, we're going porn. We got porn, Yelp. The correct answer is porn. That is from a video called Oops, I Came On My

Face. Are we sure he's not just thirsty? Because it looks like he just didn't want to go to the 7-Eleven. And I want to clarify, this is not a position that a body ends up in because of oops. This is planning.

By the way, I want you to know how long I tried to freeze straight and make sure I got the load in the picture. Yeah. Tom, have you ever came on your own face before? Not on purpose. Hence the oops. Number two. That's not an oops position. Exactly.

Number two, quote, it's so hard she could have chipped a tooth. Oh, man. I mean, if we're going by Tom's exclamation point to fucking equation, this has to be porn. Yeah, but they're angry, okay? I never realized exclamation points were such an erotic piece of grammar. Tom, you can barely speak English. You're not the punctuation whisperer. I'm just saying people leave porn comments. Oh, there's a semi-cull. You're not the punctuation whisperer. I'm just saying, people

leave portals. Oh, there's a semi-cullin. He's a rapist. Like, what? Look, you either gotta be, yeah, no, I'm saying that's Yelp. There's anger behind that, alright? You gotta get behind the mind of something. Yeah. This is either like, you know, like, uh, old-time willies, ye old

gumball emporium, or it's like a lot of black guys do it with a crowbar. I think someone's kid was too dumb not to chew on a jawbreaker or some shit. I'm going Yelp, all right? I don't think you're getting this flowery in your Pornhub comment. That's a fair point. I'm going Yelp, too. We're going three Yelps.

The correct answer is Yelp review. That is a Yelp review of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville at Universal CityWalk. Ironically, they were talking about a big black dick at Jimmy Buffett's, which is the weirdest thing. Why was a black person at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville? Universal CityWalk. Ironically, they were talking about a big black dick at Jimmy Buffett's, which is the weirdest thing. Why was a black person at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville? I don't know why they have it. Most restaurants just have chips. I didn't know you could do Margaritaville wrong, but I think that person found a way.

Number three, quote, this got very gross very fast. This just makes me want to go to a place called Lil Wayne's Purple Drankatorium at CityWalk. Is this a review of the first game with the dominatrix? Is that what happened? Did you slip that one in? Speaking of which, Tom. That was someone looking closely at your hairline. How does it just turn into a ball sack?

Speaking of things that are gross, we told Tom he could put his shirt back on. I don't know why this is happening. It's hot. Alright. I'm going to say Yelp. I think it's Yelp, too. I'm going to say, honestly, both, but you only found it one place. I'm very interested to see what product this is.

I'm going to go porn. This feels porny. The correct answer is that it's a Yelp review of a Taco Bell in Hollywood, California. A lot of good men died of that Taco Bell. Two things that will ruin your butthole. Number four. She's high for sure. Braces or not, she is so, so high.

Oh, my God. It's like that quiet little secret. You know most of the people in porn are on drugs and also pregnant and just doing this to get abortion. But you don't like to think about it. You don't want SonicFan89 pointing out to you that this is just very exploitative. You know, I was just trying to come, gang.

That was less of a joke than a sad truth we all have to live in now. Remember, folks, I'm gay. I think this is a misdirect. I think it's some dumbass waiter who just smoked too much of a bowl. I don't know how drugs work. Too much of a bowl.

She ate too many pots. Yeah, she smoked all the 420s. I feel like I've seen this video, so I'm going to go porn. The correct answer is, where'd it go? That is from Pornhub. A video called Long Beach Represent. And I just want to tell you, I watched this video, and your city is represented poorly. Where'd it go? That is from Pornhub. A video called Long Beach Represent. And I just want to tell you, I watched this video, and your city is represented poorly.

It is represented by a, I want to say, 19-year-old drunk on cough syrup and hatred for her father. She's like, go back, just hit the backspace. Daddy, I wanted the iPhone 8. She's sad. She talks like Tom throughout the video. That should give you an idea of how bad it is. Oh, Jesus Christ. Number five. Amish mechanics would be proud.

I mean, I want this to be porn so bad that even if it's Yelp, I'm going to choose to believe that it's porn. I like your optimism. I don't know. Those titties were men and nice. Was that anything? The Amish live in a town in Pennsylvania called Intercourse. You guys know that? It's real.

It's Connor's Fun Fact Corner. Tom. I don't know why you know that. There is that. I don't know why I'm sitting next to a fucking hedgehog with a testosterone problem. You invited me here, sir. I don't know why I'm sitting next to a fucking hedgehog with a testosterone problem. You invited me here, sir. I was invited to be here by you.

And you're just leaving a slug trail of mucus and chest pubes behind you. I will get you sick. Robin Williams has a joke. What do you call it? Robin Williams does not need to be in play here. No, he has a joke. What do you call a man with a... Robin Williams does not need to be in play here. No, he has a joke like, what do you call a man with a... Oh, I fucked a girl without electricity. Oh, turn the lights off. Oh, that was already done.

Blow out the candle. Oh. What do you call a man with a arm... Tongue. Oh, my God. What do you call a man with an arm? I don't know anybody ever. Arm in a horse's ass, an Amish mechanic.

So, I think this is porn. Okay, nice cover of that Robin Williams joke. I hope there's no horse involved. Here's what's astonishing. Tom just ass-backwards his way into perfect logic for the right answer. That is porn for a video. Extreme ass-fisting. And I want to point out my single favorite thing about this entire game.

She is wearing a cat in the hat hat. You got to clean up the mess before mom gets home. What happened to your Mennonite logic now, Connor? She looks like she's seven years old. I don't know if what we're doing is legal right now. It's like that game where you have to reach in and you touch grapes, but they tell them your eyeballs. All right. And for the last room of the haunted house.

Oh, I feel part of a chicken bone. It's a colon. All right. Next one. Quote, those are definitely bloodstains. Yelp is not a big deal if it's in porn. Wait, what? Isn't it the other way around?

What kind of porn are you watching? Yeah, Tom. I'm just saying people bleed. Look, there's anal penetration in porn. There's going to be some blood. Come on. Who disagrees with me? Right, but do you think they're just

flinging it around and still filming it? I just think that El Pollo Loco is more likely to have blood stains and people will be astonished by it than porn. I like that Tom thinks butt sex is like that elevator from The Shining. Yeah, just everywhere. Well, yeah, Tom, it's on the the porn set, you probably flip the couch cushions over before you ass-fuck another Cuban college student.

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Tom's going Yelp. I'm going Yelp. I'll go Yelp as well. Your answer is Yelp. That is the city hall in Sacramento, California. That is hilarious.

That's actually a positive review for Sacramento. Yeah, exactly. It's a seven star. And last one, quote, that black top is so cute. Are they talking about a person when they mean black top? That's the game, isn't it? Oh, my God. I'm going to say that's porn.

That has to be porn. Yeah, there's no way that's not porn. Oh, shit. Tom, do you have an anecdote about a famous comedian that killed himself you want to use today? No, I'm going to go Yelp. The great answer is porn. From a video called Hot Chub's Fuck. Hot Chub's was the worst Simon Pegg movie.

I don't know. Perfect. That is porn to Yelp. One more time for Hasan Ahmad helping us out with that game. Bye, Hasan. Jesus fucking Christ. Samir. Bye, Son. Jesus fucking Christ. Samir Suri, everybody. Samir Suri getting heckled

by a smoke machine. How is it that we live in Long Beach, but you looked at him like he was the first gay person you'd ever seen? Samir, your thoughts. Well. I have slept with Connor McSpadden Yeah, get in line, pal And contrary to what you've heard up here tonight

He is not gay, I can assure you Yet Yeah, yeah guys, Samir raped me Who's ready for a game? Everyone's psyched about this game. Oh, my God. Well, speaking of dying a painful death, this game is called Did They Die? And, folks, the rules of the game are the name of the game.

I'm going to read you guys a news story, and our contestants are going to have to guess whether or not this person died. So, Samir, go by Keith so you guys can share a mic. And, sweaty idiots, you guys just hold it down over there. Keep being bewildered by the lights and the noises. Maybe if you get overwhelmed, think about foodstuffs you enjoy. I'm so confused. Tom, did you bring a shirt?

Define bring. No. You know. Do you have one? Do you have a piece of physical matter to cover your chest? I own many things, yes. Number one. A British priest slipped in his kitchen,

landed on the dishwasher, and that was loaded with upright knives. Now, did he die? Oh, shit. So he just went, and then there's a bunch of knives pointing up, and he just went, so is he alive?

It's weird, because usually priests are like, oh, I tripped, and then they penetrate somebody else. Yeah. I was right. I was going to say down the middle, oh, I tripped, and then they penetrate somebody else. So that's – I was right. I was going to say down the middle, but I guess up the middle. Yeah, that was really – I went to Catholic school. Not one priest wanted me.

It was such trauma. Why did you go to Catholic school? I went to Catholic school for seven years. Just for the dick? Was it – I know we're Hindu, but like, come on, mom. I've got to find myself. Exactly, and they wouldn't let me be an altar boy because I was a Hindu. It was the only time discrimination has really hit me hard.

It seems like Indian God would be better for molesting. He's got all those arms and shit. Like one of them can get in there and throw you in. Yeah, he's got a trunk. I mean, he's really like a one-man band of trauma. If you had seen me with that cow, I have a name. I think he's alive because spoons protect you from knives.

Can you believe they're dating? It's like rock, paper, scissors of cutlery. I didn't know Tom's brain was an STD. Spoons protect you from knives. I think this man is dead. So you're going to walk back to your car in Long Beach and hold up a spoon And then you're not going to lose your wallet

Is this guy the coyote from that Roadrunner show? No, this was a human being Okay, then he's dead Alright, he's dead I hope you're happy I'm glad you guys are having fun Come on guys If we don't know these people, it's a good time

Number two A four year old boy Was pretending to be a leprechaun Come on, guys. If we don't know these people, it's a good time. Number two, a four-year-old boy was pretending to be a leprechaun when a six-foot-tall tombstone fell on him. Did he die? That's a big pizza. That's the Keith Carey-sized tombstone pizza. Oh, fuck. Wait, the weirdest part is, why does the leprechaun thing come into play? Yeah, he was posing for a picture. His dad was like, oh, act like a leprechaun. Why is he a graveyard leprechaun thing come into play yeah he was posing for a picture his dad was like oh act like a leprechaun why is he a graveyard leprechaun

that's not where they go i don't know maybe his dad is good glenn danzig there's a lot of unanswered questions it was a short article uh thoughts over there on team uh dum dum um i fuck i don't i i'm gonna i'm gonna say alive either yeah i i'm imagining the tombstone hitting him and then him turning into just a pot of gold, but I know that didn't happen. So I'm going to say he lived. I feel like you don't know that didn't happen. I don't. I don't.

I got to trust my gut, though. Everybody knows I failed leprechaun physics, okay? Samir, thoughts? Oh, Kelly can also say something. If she wants to stop just... I think he's alive because Irish kids only die from the potato famine. An Irish child hasn't died since the 1890s. You're right. You're the number one comedian of 1886 on stage right now.

Samir. The one time a leprechaun fucked me. It was like a six-foot-tall tombstone going in. So, and I survived that. And you're basically a four-year-old child. What are you getting at? I think he's alive. Well, that kid's dead.

Fuck you. Oh, my kid's dead. Fuck you. Oh, my God. All right, guys. This is a fun one. A rodeo clown in Texas was struck by lightning twice in ten minutes. Did he die? He's a rodeo clown. Tom, that's what you... Tom, a rodeo clown is basically you.

He's you if he ever finished any education program. All right? Tom could not name Wile E. Coyote. What are you expecting from him? Wait, does he wear like a clown wig? Yeah. Yes, that's what clowns do. He has to be a fucking idiot.

He had to wear a clown with the wig so that the lightning wouldn't. He wasn't on duty as a rodeo clown. That was just his job. Also, what do you think a wig is made out of, Kelly? Metal. I don't know. That was just his job. Also, what do you think a wig is made out of, Kelly? Metal. I don't know. I think he's alive. I think he's alive.

Fuck you. Okay? This has somehow gotten way more hostile than when we got hit earlier. Yeah, right? Yeah, I think it feels like we're parents and we're fighting in front of all of our children right now. Kind of the vibe I'm feeling. Oh, man. I think he's alive.

All right. Samir. Jesus Christ. If you were fucking five guys, it would be half as gay as how you just ate that olive. That rodeo clown was the man that got away. All right. Well, he's alive. So congratulations.

I hope you're happy, gang. A Spanish woman gave birth to her third child. Then while being wheeled into a different part of the hospital, the elevator door closed on her. Did she die? Die, die, die, die, die. I love that all of a sudden the audience got like, that bitch is dead.

You guys are really committed. Was she on a gurney? Yeah, she was on a gurney. Well, so maybe the sides of the gurney protected her. Maybe. That's the game, Samir. Alright, Samir going alive. Keith, what do you think? I know the answer to this one, so I'm gonna defer. Okay, Tom Goss.

I think she's alive. What country is this? Uh, Spain. Ah, maybe she's dead. Yeah, they don't have very good elevators. I know a lot about the quality of elevators around the globe. Not so much how rodeos work. They didn't really get science in white Mexico. Dude, we appeal to the fucking Paxson Nazis over here.

We've been trying to get you guys all night. All right, now it's tense again. Nice. Kelly, what do you think? You're talking to a microphone like you know how comedy works. What? I'm dead! Yeah, she's dead. Okay, yeah. She's dead as fuck.

Thank you, Spain. This is pretty rough. The elevator starts going up while the doors aren't closed. And then she just gets cut in half like a bad magic trick. I mean, that's a pretty good magic trick, if we're being honest. I mean, yeah, and she already got rid of the baby, so it wasn't that bad. All right, guys, final one of everyone's favorite game of the night.

In the 21st century, it used to be stairs you used. Now you use an elevator to get rid of the baby. Yeah, Samira's had a lot of unwanted pregnancies in his life. Yeah, you know, when you knock some broad up, she starts getting lippy, and you've got to kick her down the fucking escalator. Just blow it out right in her pussy. Did you know I can get impregnated up the ass? Did you know that I could do that?

I need that to not be true, because there can't be more than one of this. Yeah. No, you can't get impregnated unless someone gets you wet at the wrong time of day, and then all of a sudden there's 50 of you just scuttling around, drinking up all the fucking tequila, and talking about movies that came out 58 years ago. Do you all remember this thing you don't remember? Faye Dunaway looked right at me at the Walgreens on Vine, and I said to her,

Honey, I think we both need a Kit Kat bar right now. When I met Sue Mengers, the great Hollywood agent of the 70s, she looked at me and looked around the room, which was full of Hollywood people, as you might imagine, and she said, This is Schindler's B-list. Now let me tell you why Katherine Hepburn was a race traitor. All right, the final one.

I hope she really was a dyke. With the Parkinson's, the face was a natural vibrator. Holy shit. So, for a lot of people that don't know, Samira was actually spawned out of a swamp full of discarded Ross Dress for Less clothes on the day Joan Rivers died.

And then, she re-assimilated into him like Ra's al Ghul of just basic bitchery. Lowmans. Sure. Alright. The last question

of everyone's favorite game, Did They Die? You guys are loving this. We all can tell. Even the ceiling's crying right now, Connor. Yeah, I didn't want to address it, but the building is leaking. Yeah, that's always a good sign.

What? The doors are locked from the outside? Oh, shit. Let's see if they died. Okay. All right, yeah. A 74-year-old lumberjack cut down a tree, which knocked down another tree that knocked him out while his chainsaw was still running on top

of his neck. Oh, shit. Did he die? I gotta hope so. Why would you hope so? Because if you survive a chainsaw to the neck, you don't survive like well. Yeah, fair point. It's not like I took a chainsaw to the neck and then everything was fine. Yeah, well, I mean, I feel like I could

chainsaw your neck for like eight minutes without any noticeable effects. I just get like a lot for like eight minutes without any noticeable effects. I just get like a lot of like loose crumbs and hair out of the way. Just a spray of Cheeto dust. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it'd be like carving up a ham. You really got to get in there for a minute in that first slice. This sounds like one of those traps from the movie Saw.

Yeah, it's like Final Destination with rednecks, basically. Yeah, I'm going to say dead. Kelly. You can't eat a chainsaw. Again, I feel like you probably could if you'd actually finished Rodeo Clown College instead of dropping out to become whatever sweaty beat poet type career you're currently pursuing. How old is he? 74.

How could that possibly be relevant? Dead. All right, he's dead. Okay, Samir, what do you think? Would you have included that if he weren't alive? That's preposterous. I think he's alive. All right, well, I just included it because I did a very limited amount of research,

but he is alive, everybody. That guy drove a mile and a half to his friend's house, who drove him 20 miles to a hospital, and then he went back to being a lumberjack. So if you don't think California's full of pussies, then, well, yeah, here we are.

I think the important thing is we should fire that dude from lumberjacking. You guys, we have a little bit more show to go. Before we get back into the comedy, though,

we need a volunteer for this next bit. Who's feeling brave? Who's brave and who wants some free shit? Anybody. You? You guys?

Come on up. They'll do it. All right, come on up here. Birthday boy. Oh, come on, birthday boy. Birthday boy. Birthday boy. Birthday boy.

Birthday boy. Birthday boy. Somehow this is the creepiest thing that's happened here so far. It's a smoky room where everyone's going, birthday boy. Birthday boy. All right, now, have you ever been in a cult before? Yes. Okay, so this guy's either a realtor or he's a Mormon.

What's your name, man? Jimmy. Jimmy, good to meet you. We're going to bring back Mistress Catherine now. Now, Catherine, tell us what we're going to be doing up here today. We're going to be trying to guess your fetish. Mistress Catherine, we were talking. I love that one person already knows what makes you come and is laughing at you preemptively.

Mistress Catherine and I were talking, and she said she has a gift. She can guess just about anybody's fetish based on a few questions. I think we should weigh in here, give a little bit of our amateur opinions, Keith. What are you seeing looking at this guy? Let's find out a little about you. What do you do for a living? Right off the bat, I'm going to guess pedophile. I do marketing.

Definitely pedophile. Marketing. Okay. Are you a heterosexual gentleman? No. Okay. I heard the voice. I heard a little Samir in there.

Follow-up question. Sup? Keith is bisexual for the listeners at home. I am about 30% kidding. Okay, so you're in marketing. What do you like to do for fun? What's a Friday night like for you? I like to go to bars in Long Beach and get drunk.

Okay, all right. You're a male basic bitch. Very cool. And this ring, this is a marriage ring? Or just what is this? You're married. Okay, so I mean, you have someone here to keep you honest, which is the beauty of this. Yeah, if he lies, you've got to tell us what it really is, okay So I mean, you have someone here to keep you honest Which is the beauty of this

If he lies, you gotta tell us what it really is, okay? Yeah You sound so disappointed, it's something bad He looks pretty nervous And the more you deny it The more we're all gonna know That that's what it is Man, this is fucking intimidating

Dominatrixes have a special kind of swag You know, like when you talk to a Vietnam vet and it's like, oh, I've seen men die. I'm going to get what I want at Pinkberry. She's like, I've made better men than you. Come till they bled, all right? Don't you sass me in front of this leaky ceiling. So we throw it now to the dick whisperer.

What do you think? Are you going to make a guess, Keith? Hmm. I'm going to say... I feel like you like sitting on people's faces. Ooh, okay. That's my guess. I'm feeling like you're into kind of being domed a little bit. I think you like to be spanked.

I feel like you like to be a naughty boy from time to time. I feel like Connor's getting too excited about this. Yeah. I feel like you have really strong brown eyes and a nice frame. No, yeah. No, I just feel like he's like, oh, my numbers weren't really good on the campaign this week. What are we going to do about this? Get my thoughts.

Let's go to the expert. I'm going to say you're more of a switch. Okay. And leaning more on the dom side, but you definitely have a huge sub side that you're really quiet about. Holy shit. She just did that like a horoscope where it's like,

you're going to have a good day, but like in a bad way. Your lucky numbers are 69. All right. So, Jimmy, we throw to you. What is your fetish? Like just one? Well, I was going to get a little bit more specific.

Oh, wow, true. Oh, okay, hang on. We're going to go to the top five. Okay, Kat. I'm going to say you like being called Daddy. And, uh... I like that that, of all things, is what grosses you guys out. Yes, am I correct?

So, grosses you out. You don't like to be called daddy? I hate it. I prefer father, but... You're just talking about like it was mushrooms on a pizza. I mean, it's fine. Yeah, you're a young dad. You got into some trouble when you were 16.

You're straightening your life out now. Yeah. Yeah, I had to go to prom to keep my dad off my back, and now I got a little fucking asshole running around taking all my popper's money. This is great. All right. Well, how close have we gotten to pinning you here?

We're in the nosebleeds. Really? All right, you want to reveal your real fetish? You can whisper it in my ear. That's not part of the game. That's literally the only part of the game. Hey, husband, where's the husband over here? I have a microphone and it's wireless.

Fuck you. I'm going to do a little rogue reconnaissance here. Is that you? That would be you? All right. Give us something that you know you're not embarrassed about about this guy. Like as far as what are we talking about? Fetishes.

I don't know if you've been paying attention. Normal things I'm embarrassed about. I mean, besides the sandals. Those are pretty humiliating, but... Are you into fisting? No. From Missouri. Oh, he's from Missouri, so he's just never fucked.

Oh, from Missouri. That makes me want to go with diapers. It's true. It's very common in that area. Here's what I think. I think he just found out he's into diapers. Like, I didn't even know that was an option. I just say diapers in general. That can involve many different things. Give us one.

Give us one. Yeah, come on. I mean, like, just, like, no. Way more than one. Like, four or five. Okay, give us four. Give us something, no. Way more than one. Like, four or five. Okay, give us four. Give us something, motherfucker. You're being so vague.

I feel like you fuck bad. One here, one here. That's what we want! One more time for Jimmy, everybody! There we go! Doesn't that look like he raped his way out of competitive Super Smash Brothers? A little bit. You're like, oh, that gets a little creepy.

Tom, the pizza is next to the microphone. Tom, feel free to eat that pizza. Yeah, we're going to be playing one of our favorite games with Benjamin at Baymel. It's a game called New Names, where we're going to take things in the world and give them a name that we think is a little bit more appropriate. I'll start us off. I think from now on, we should call autistic people transgender. Speaking of which.

Because they like trains. My first new name. Transgender people's cars should be called Mitsuhishis. Jesus Christ. I don't feel great about that one. New name for the Holocaust, the Great Bake Off. Holy fucking shit. The Great German Bake Off.

So this will try. Love you, man. I'm so happy my mom has no idea what podcasts are. New name for teeth whitening dentrification. Okay, Nat. I'm adorable, fuck everything. Oh, God. That's pretty good.

You know what, I'm glad the great bake-off happened. Some say it didn't. Oh. Look, it was like 5,000 scones. I'm just saying. Check the soil samples. It only took us 70 minutes into the show, but it's gotten there. All right, guys.

New name for trans fats, Laverne Carbs. A lot of trans jokes. There's more. New name for getting a blowjob while you have diarrhea, a Blumpkin Spice Latte. Oh, God. We have to make porn just to do that. We're going to be number one on X videos and all of them. New name for couches, ass beds.

I mean, you're not wrong, but also shut up. Oh, man. Yeah, my life's going terrible. I live on an ass bed. I got one of them ground kings up my butt for the rent. Ground king. New name for sperm banks, Wells Fargo. Oh, yeah, you guys

all rolled your eyes, but if you opened this sperm bank called Wells Fargo, you'd be able to afford to have these ladies actually fuck you instead of just titty jiggle your face for a few minutes. Alright, everybody. New name for RuPaul's Drag Race, The X-Men.

That was a little better than you guys gave it credit for. I'm going to be honest with you. New name for Kevin Hart's leaked sex tape, Rhydadon. Damn it. It was right there. We all could have had it. It was there for the pickings, but no. New name for Hebrew cobbler, Jubilee.

What? What is Hebrew cobbler? Tom, that's called matzah. Jubilee is... Stop looking at me like I know what the fuck you're talking about, Tom. It's a form of pastry. He just did that like, no, I meant like you're my buddy. I'm looking at you, Conrad.

You're not. I'm saying, okay, all right. It was bad, okay? I agree. It was bad. Can we move on to the hero of the night, Nat by Mel, okay? Nat, Nat, Nat. All right, fuck you guys.

Again, you're not wrong, but shut up. Yeah, Tom, you got smoke machine. That's the strip club version of being caned at the Apollo. That's the whore version of the clown just sweeping you off. I just like to note that before the show, we were explicitly told not to use the smoke machine. Yeah, here's the conversation. It was, well, it turns on the fire alarm. We can't hear it.

Then they come, and then we're going to lose our liquor license. Enjoy the last live Mean Boys podcast. I like we have gases, liquids, and nothing is solid right now. Anyways, new name for pube stubble, five-a-crotch shadow. That was

fun. That was a fun one. This one less so. New name for crows, the Puerto Ricans of the sky. New name for having a threesome with two dominatrixes, a sub sandwich. Come on, back me up on this birthday boy. Yeah, we got Jared over here. New name for southern bar crawls, trail of beers. Hey. Hey, that's fun yeah a new name for a

blade terrorists use to chop off heads and toenails i swiss army knife i like that you could just feel the quality of these deteriorating yeah you got you can't be so confident when you go i swiss army knife i was trying to project confidence but they saw right through the facade. Yeah. Last round. Last round. Let's go as much as strong. Everybody wants to shove you in a locker right now.

All right, guys. My last one. In light of it being two months after regular New Year, Chinese New Year will now be called Black New Year. Because it's late. That was the joke. Wow. This was rough.

You got a lot from the bar. I feel like a bad guy now. New name. Rainbow Fish will now be called Bass Queen. Well done. New name for dying from a disease lying down Indian style. I think you guys are taking these too seriously.

I need you to know that Tom told me before, he's like, yeah, I was like, mine are pretty offensive, and Tom was like, none of mine are offensive. And they were about Holocaust and smallpox blankets. I was being sarcastic, sir. Oh, okay. You know, you were being sarcastic? Sarcastic. That's when you're a

condescending British person? Sarcastic. Sarcastic. Sarcastic. Alright, Sir Nat You know, you're being sarcastic. Sarcastic. That's when you're a condescending British person. Sarcastic. Sarcastic. Sarcastic. All right, Sir Nat. All right, to close it out strong, new name for a milk mustache, Derry Sanchez.

Yes! Yes! Before we... One more time for Nat by Mel. One more time for Nat by Mel. Wow. We have some shit for sale in the bag. We have wristbands, stickers, t-shirts, vinyl records.

A bunch of shit you don't need. Please go see us in the back corner. Even if you don't want anything. Before we end the show, though, we have a segment we do at the end of every single live Meme Boys. Tom Goss, as you've all noticed, is a profound idiot. Thank you. And he describes things very poorly. So we play a game called the Tom Goss Lightning Round.

And basically what's going to happen here is we are going to throw a bunch of words at Tom. He has no idea what these are, and he has to immediately explain what these things are. Now, here's a couple examples from the past. He called the devil edgy god. He referred to love as horny fear. Swans, those, of course, would be sexy geese. So none of you guys are acquainted. Tom, you got to get ready.

You're severely impaired. You have a 101-degree fever. You're dehydrated. You're dressed retarded. It's time to begin. Tom, real quick, what the fuck are cats? Cats? Oh, bounce dogs.

Diapers. Diapers. Oh, shit shorts. Turtlenecks. Oh, shit shorts. Turtlenecks. Oh, art guy warmers. Barron Trump. Oh, Kid Hitler. Okay, Tom, BDSM.

Oh, punch you cum. Russia. Oh, sassy Asia. Russia. The judicial system. Oh, um, uh, well, yeah, we'll get the wrong guy. Fisting. What? Fisting. Oh, punch fuck. Punching and cumming and fucking ostriches.

Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, the, uh, uh, speed parrots. Nat by Mel. Oh, uh, good, uh, uh, the, uh, uh, speed parrots. Nat by Mel. Oh, uh, good guy. I love Nat. All right, Tom. Submarines. Oh, um, uh, uh, dig boats. All right, Tom, real quick.

I need you to name seven sex positions. Go. Oh, uh, missionary. Uh, uh, uh, doggy. Uh, 69. Orthodox. Unorthodox. Uh, 69, orthodox, unorthodox, sideways, that thing when she's on her head, and against a wall. Tom, name seven sounds. Oh, loud, quiet, boom, pow, cha-ching, ka-ka, and bugle.

Tom, name seven feminine hygiene products. Oh, shit. Tampons, deodorants, Tampax, Vagisil, that weird paste they put down there. Underwear. Contams. Spit. I don't know many of them. I'm sorry, ladies.

I never had to buy any. Tom wins. Tom wins the lightning round. Is that it? All right. Oh, cool. Do you guys want to do round. That it? All right. Oh, cool. Do you guys want to do like one or two more? All right. Name seven fetishes.

Oh, fisting. You dress up as like Grover or something. Tying people up. Shitting on each other. Love is now one, I think. Tickling and animal fucking, whatever. Bestiality. You're never doing the show without a fever ever again.

You got any more? Do one more. All right. Name seven kinds of weather. Weather. Okay. Cloudy. Stormy. Angryy. Stormy.

Angry ocean. Waves. Hot. Cold. Volcano. And earthquake. Tom Goss, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen.

That's our show. We close out every time by saying, fuck everything, God is dead on the count of three. So guys, say it with us on the count of three. One, two, three. Fuck everything, God is dead. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm