Mean Boys - EP 81 - Cheese Pedophile (feat. Keith Ray & Ehsan Ahmad)

Episode Date: September 26, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Mark Malloy's Kid Depository", “You Be The Judge”, "Alex Jones Custody Visit", and a game of "Which of the Following" with horror movies by @EthanDLawrence. Get the Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: https://www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Visit our new sponsor My Bookie for all your gambling needs! Use promo code "MEAN" when you add funds for an up to 100% price match: http://mybookie.ag Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: https://goo.gl/JWBAJK Buy the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounge Chair here: www.amazon.com/dp/B073Y4V36F Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Ehsan Ahmad on Twitter: twitter.com/mrjbahmad Follow our guest Keith Ray on Twitter: twitter.com/cremantics Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hey everybody it's connor and keith from the mean boys podcast here with a uh fucking madness episode yeah keith ray and asana mon join us in the studio this week and holy shit keith ray uh tells an amazing story at the end yeah it's you're gonna notice this is a longer episode than usual yeah do not check out early because i promise you the last 20 minutes of this episode are magic really it's fun all the way top to bottom but the last 20 minutes of this episode are magic. Really, it's fun all the way top to bottom, but the last 20 minutes, something majestic happens. He does an entire Sundance dark comedy at the end. Yeah, it's the closest this dumb show has ever come to art, maybe. Yeah, yeah.

So enjoy that. As always, we are sponsored by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California, the finest Mexican food that money can buy. Go to eatabrito.com for more information. We are also sponsored by the Comfort Ninja Inflatable Lounger, lounge furniture that works inside, outside, on the go, even in the goddamn pool or the ocean. You just scoop air on in there. It comes in a whole bunch of fun-ass colors. We still have not looked into what colors those are,

but we have been assured that they are fun. Yes, they are the funnest colors. We're talking no browns, no taupes. It sounded real bad. Yeah, well, I mean, that's not like... Well, that's like a fun color. White isn't a fun color either.

White is the least fun color, historically speaking. One time I was at the airport and I swear to God over the loudspeaker, they said, we're looking for the brown family. Has anyone seen the brown family?

So please hop on over to the Amazon link in our show notes and pick one of those up. Yeah, use the promo code ninjaINJA to get 15% off. And lounge like a ninja. Scoop some air up and shove it up underneath your fat American pig ass. You dirty capitalists.

We've been getting a holy shitload fucking fuck of a dick lot of iTunes reviews. Yeah, thank you guys. Thank you guys. You guys are making us look like a legitimate podcast yeah it creates the illusion of legitimacy i know yeah so uh here's one we could share uh writes god is dead fuck everything this is how my kids would have turned out and also why i don't have kids five blood feasts out of five ah karnak is pleased yeah you even feast upon the blood you even goaded yourself yourself a Carnock cameo. You've got to be pretty proud of yourself there. Yeah, I already regret it.

My neck hurts. Yeah, the amount of like, why can't I create a memorable character that doesn't make me bleed? Here's how you know how hard it is for Keith to do Carnock. You can actually see neck veins when he does it. It proves I possess a neck. The Patreon is still chugging along very, very nicely. Guys, we appreciate all the financial capital. We just

sat down and had a very serious meeting about our biggest, stupidest undertaking to date. So just know, and we're not going to be able to tell you why, but know that you are funding a very beautiful, stupid project. We are finding out the legal implications of. Yeah, this one requires lawyers

paperwork uh tarp a lot of uh fucking uh bleach probably yeah yeah so uh thank you guys for that uh five dollars a month gives you bonus content we just sit and shoot the shit tell stories uh you get some fun background on background on your favorite podcast hosts, which if those aren't us, then I'm offended. And for $10 a month, be in the Mean Boys Fiend Club. Get yourself some cool stickers, fucking pins this month. We've got a Carnock throwback campaign button, the Mean Boys classic one-inch pin goes nicely on the leather jacket

next to all these other things. People will think it's a band. They'll be like, no, baby, it's a podcast. Yeah, surprise, I'm not actually cool. Yeah, we've got the Mark Malloy shirt. All the shirts, by the baby, it's a podcast. Surprise. I'm not actually cool. Yeah. We got the Mark Malloy shirt. All the shirts, by the way, have been ported over to T-Republic from Teespring.

Yes. If you missed one of the earlier ones and you want to pick it up, you can still go get it now. Yeah. They're all back up there. The Carnock shirt. Mean Boys Classic. Mean Boys Dicks. The Fuck Everything Got His Dead shirt. So, yeah, go check those out.

Those are all up and kicking. We'll be adding a new one every month. And for $50 a month, you'll be getting that in addition to other goodies on the uh on the patreon rewards and uh yeah i think that's about it we got a lot of cool shit coming up this episode is fucking bananas it's truly one of the crazier episodes we've ever done like i know we always try to talk about how we're yeah we're gnarly hardcore dudes but legitimately brace yourself for what's about to occur yeah keith ray is basically is basically the brain functionality of Tom combined with the scum. I'm sorry.

Connor just tapped Tom's mic and 40 flies flew off of it. There's a lot of flies on the mic. Holy shit. You just sick the plague of locusts on the studio. And it's like I don't want him in the air. I also don't want him on the fucking mic. I've got to wipe that down. Oh, God.

Well, we have to go rethink our lives. Enjoy this episode of the Mean Boys podcast with keith ray and asan ahmad hey everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast we can't stop doing this or like eight of you It was a meme. It was a meme. we found on Van Nuys Avenue. Oh, man. Welcome in the studio. Tom's Bartman, more or less. Yeah, Tom couldn't be here. He's suffering from some vague retard flu. We are joined by Asana Madi,

you remember from last week's live show, and new to the show, a long-requested guest, Keith Ray is here, everybody. Hi, everyone. He's almost disappointingly coherent today because we wanted to have you on forever, but I'm like, I'm legitimately afraid for two reasons. Either it's going to be a complete, like, amazing train wreck, or everyone's going to love him so much that we're going to have to have him on every week.

Ooh, I look forward to the second. Yeah. Is that the ladder? Yes, that is the ladder. Yeah, well, why don't you go climb a fucking ladder, okay? That doesn't mean anything, what you just said. Yeah, why are you being so mean? Here we are.

This is about where I thought we'd end up. That's what we do. We're mean. If you're not familiar with Keith Ray's work, he is basically radioactive Tom Goss. There we go. I like that. I'm like Tom Goss if his mom huffed gas. Yeah, more or less. Keith is his mom huffed gas. Yeah, more or less.

If his mom huffed gas. Yours too? Yeah. Tom doesn't get angry about a lot, but he got so mad about you smoking while pumping gas while you're on the road together. Yeah, that and like- Including the great quote, gas is not that flammable, Tom. It's not, okay?

That's not a true statement. If you ask any of my Texas roommates, they'll tell you. Oh, some dipshits you lived with have science knowledge? Yeah, they tested it. If you throw a cigarette in lit gas, it will not set it on fire. First of all, choke up on the mic a little bit. And second of all, I'm going to need to hear about every episode of fucking Redneck Mythbusters that you guys do. Dude, if you burn a tractor tire, it goes off straight up into the air like a jet engine.

I recommend it for parties. It's just a good time. We killed two trees with one tire. Wow. How did that happen? You're creating new folksy aphorisms. Like, oh, yeah, we kill two trees with one tire. I tell you.

Keith, by the way, showed up to the Mean Boys studio holding a pizza box and a pink donut box. And he said, did you bring pizza and donuts? He's brought, I brought pizza and a donut. And he changed into Daisy Dukes. Yeah. Yeah, Keith might be inventing bluegrass comedy right now. You are just like the human equivalent of a jug band. If a banjo wrote jokes.

Yeah, exactly. You know, I actually play the banjo. Do you really? No. I was going to say you play the washboard, but I can't imagine you ever having done laundry. No, these clothes are... No, they're not. Yeah, you've changed into a different

set of disheveled homeless people clothes. Yeah, you look like you work at a warehouse that creates other people on food stamps. Yeah, you didn't get here and be like, oh, I gotta put on my nice garbage. The formal garbage. I'm gonna put on my recycling. I keep, the formal garbage. I'm going to put on my recycling.

I keep this one in a Ralph's bag, this outfit. And I got my Vaughn's bag. Those are show clothes, okay? The whole food bag is a... Yeah, well, the food for last bag. Are we getting married? Ah, that's... All right, there's about 45 Keith Ray stories I'm going to request at the end of the episode.

But again, I think we're all fired up. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke off? Ay, so topical. Fuck yeah. Let's do it. All right, I'll take us away this week. A convicted murderer was released from a psychiatric hospital and then immediately decapitated a toddler. Police officials stated that this kind of thing wouldn't be a problem if Batman would just kill people.

I like the immediately. He didn't even get off the steps of the insane asylum. Oh, yeah. He just started like, there was a musical number that ended with that. He was swinging around light posts and shit. There must have been a hospital administrator like, oh, man, we were way wrong on that one. We swung and missed. Well, you're free.

Here's your clothes back, your belt, your wallet, the bloody machete you walked in here with. Yeah, here's a free toddler. I was in the Austin Powers scene. It's like a penis pump, you know, penis pump book. He's like, alright, here we got the mini toddler chainsaw. Mini toddler chainsaw user guide. Just

way too many hefty bags. Full of unidentified meat. Alright. Okay, unidentified meat. Okay, unidentified meat has the floor. He's going to need those trash bags to build his new home. Tennis star Serena Williams released the first photo of her

newborn daughter. People were touched with one commenter saying, quote, she has her mother's penis. It's a mannish ass woman. That's better than the usual Twitter sphere, which would be tail. If you don't think there was a much worse first draft

of that joke. Dennis Rodman said that he'll get his friend Kim Jong-un to sit down with his other friend Donald Trump to help avoid nuclear war. Critics have unanimously agreed that humanity has jumped the shark. I just think of America as being like,

okay, really? The series finale should have been World War II. Yeah, the Nixon stuff was interesting and then it was just like, okay, wait, so the bad guys from season 8 are kind of back, but not really. And then there's like a dumb guy. And then they're like,

oh, they did everything that like, you know, the TV show that's like going, like going downhill. There's like, okay, fuck cool black guy.

We need a cool black guy. Yeah. Cool. You're a millionaire. Yeah. Uh, I just want to, by the way,

point out to the audience as we were talking about earlier, Keith Ray's jokes are all written on different stolen scraps of paper. Yeah. No, like one of them, there's an Oxycontin script. All right. The donuts receipt from earlier. on different stolen scraps of paper. Yeah, no, like one of them, there's an Oxycontin script. All right, the donuts receipt from earlier.

There's no way he paid for those donuts. Yeah. No, I stole them from work. Plus size model, Leighton... I can't fucking read her name. I can't read, and I'm supposed to read the joke. Okay.

A plus sizesized model recently made the news for shutting down a body shamer in only four words on Facebook. Those words, I don't like you. Which unfortunately didn't last as far as the whole shutdown

goes since he sent his five-word reply, you ugly, you fat bitch. I'm so bad at reading. I made that joke suck. You're pretty bad at writing, too. Yeah, that's no good. It was a long road to you fat bitch, and I appreciate that.

I know. I knew you were in trouble when you couldn't remember her name. It's written there. I can't read it. I just call her fucking Pork Fat Cinderella or whatever. It's Mock Jareppi. Her last name is Mock Jareppi. Well, you gotta do that so you're ready for the real Jareppi. Okay, well, yeah, that's the

Star Wars planet that is. Alright. A new study shows that during the Flint water crisis, fetal deaths rose by 58 percent and formation of shitty high school metal bands rose by 238 percent. They're just like dead fetuses. These are some real 2 a.m. before the show jokes. Yeah. That was a golf clap joke.

I get it. It was fun. Yeah. Now I feel bad. Now I'm like, oh, man, fucking. I got a stunt on Keith the rest of the four. I'm going to look like a real dummy. No, I set the bar low.

Money Magazine published their annual list of the best and worst places to live in America. Topping the list this year was Fisher, Indiana, while the bottom slot went yet again to In a Black Body. That's the only one I like this week. That was amazing. I'm just picturing a real estate agent showing you around black bodies. I mean, it's roomy. Yeah, you know how there's a real shitty house

but like the backyard, that's what the dick is. It's like, I know that it's going to be tough doing anything in society, but I mean, come on. It's a great house in a bad neighborhood. You can play Frisbee on that bad boy. It's a mansion in Compton. A new survey

online came out that said 0% of people find Sean Spicer sexy. Reports say a sad Sean Spicer is now desperately trying to cancel an order of his new business cards that just say Sean Spicer, fuck machine. All right.

He is the least attractive man that ever lived. He's also a fuck machine. Ahsan raiding his Colbert packet for that. God, imagine fucking Sean Spicer. Yeah, right? It's bad. I feel like he's somehow...

It just seems so boring. Yeah, he's on the bottom, but also making demands of things that don't make sense. Like, put a thumb in your ear. What? He's like, I don't know. I just want to be in control of something. Yeah, exactly. My ex-girlfriend, Taylor Allsip...

Wait, hang on. Wait, is this a joke? Well, it's true and a joke. Okay. I like to write in the now. We never said they had to be globally topical jokes. You're very personally topical. My ex-girlfriend, Taylor Jade Alsip, was arrested in my hometown and made the paper for possession of 161 grams of methamphetamine,

170 grams of heroin, and a motorcycle. When I saw she was arrested, I assumed it was theft, ever since she stole my heart. That's so bad. That's the, I fucked it up again. I keep fucking up again. Fuck! The dramatic pauses.

There's so much to unpack with what just happened. First of all, you did let your soulmate get away. That woman was made for you. First of all, we're probably going to need to bleep her name. Was this the Taylor Jade that I met? This is the psycho that keeps the whole thing. With all the things, yeah. Did we do the chloroform with her?

Yeah. Wait, shut up. Joke all the things, yeah. Did we do the chloroform with her? Yeah. Wait. Shut up. Joke all over. Explain yourself. Oh, yeah. No, this was the best. Asad comes back from the Midwest.

How was the tour, buddy? And he's like, oh, it was great. I did a lot of chloroform. It was great. A lot of chloroform? A fair amount. Not as much as me. No.

It was his chloroform. It takes a lot to take down an elephant. Any amount of chloroform is a lot because the baseline amount of chloroform most people do is 0.1 billion zeros. The only people who do chloroform are people who are getting kidnapped by Russian gangsters and Hunter Thompson. This isn't that strong of chloroform. It was old cough medicine we found in someone's basement. It was only 1x chloroform, not the 3X chloroform jug. By old, we mean the bottle was made in around 1908.

Oh, God. Back when medicine was that, literally just chloroform. Yeah, it was actually called Dr. Longfellow's Baby Sleep Toxin or whatever. It was running a traveling apothecary. So wait, how was the chloroform? What did you do on it? Well, you either huff it. Let me explain the high.

Yeah, please. So we would do what's called whiffs and dips. That is an appetizer at the restaurant you're going to open someday. You just hold the jar and you just kind of swirl it around like a brandy and you inhale the fumes as they escape from it. And then you'll take your pinky.

Speaking of which, my ex-girlfriend Brandy was caught with 40 crocodiles and a black guy outside of the solar system. You can't cut him off when he's about to insert a pinky into something. Yeah, you put your pinky down into that old, thick, molasses-y, Jägermeister kind of goo at the bottom of the thing and then you take the, suck it off your pinky. You do that like three or four times until you start to get a stomach ache, and then you smoke a little weed

that takes the edge off your stomach ache, and then it's just basically, pew. Yeah, you're like a little bit, you're kind of like outside your own body watching it. Yeah. In a weird way. Like a little bit. Holy shit.

This is the best podcast ever. Yeah, it goes great with Miller Lite. Yeah. Holy shit. This is the best podcast ever. It goes great with Miller Lite. And Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. The show? The Chloroform Cermelier. Yeah, we have a 78 bathtub here. It goes wonderfully with a blunt object upside your head.

Oh my Christ. Might I suggest some cheese? Or robbing a liquor store? Oh, that's sad. She was sweet. Oh my Christ. Might I suggest some cheese or robbing a liquor store? Oh, that's sad. She was sweet. I liked her. She used to send me videos of her fucking digits deep right before I'd go on stage. I'm telling you right now,

that's better than a bump of coke anytime. You just go up there feeling like a king. Oh yeah, you keep me Popeye'd. By drug dealers fucking schlicking. Digits Deep. Digits Deep. That's pretty good. Digits Deep.

What was your white rap name? Because it should have been Digits Deep. Because I know Keith has three white rap albums. Two. Two. Oh, God. How did you know about that? You got drunk and told me on several occasions.

Yeah. Oh, K Rizzo. The worst. Oh, oh, K. Rizzo, the worst oh god. K. Rizzo, that was my rap name. He's like one of the shitty Jedis where they're like, K. Rizzo. Is that like Squid Man? He was the one that was killed off. We wanted the ones that were killed off by the order. Yeah, exactly. I was a big fan of

Grease before I became a rapper. Like a musical or like stuff that covers you? Rizzo, Come on, guys. Okay, okay, I got it. Don't know how to do chloroform. You're not familiar with American musical classics. I am familiar with Greece.

I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not here to teach. I feel bad because I got a real lame Bill Maher-ass joke coming up here. A new antibody attacks 99% of HIV strains. Scientists are calling it the Republican Economic Policy of Antibodies. Boo. I mean, it's not a bad joke, but following

everything that just happened, it feels good. It's hard to follow chlorophyll. Oh, I know. Well, I was up late last night. I got home at like 2 in the morning because me and Hasan were talking last night late, and I was just like, I need just anything that is technically a joke. Yeah. I feel you. I got a couple of those coming up. A tourist is

traveling the United States and documenting hidden penises across the country. Her next stop is a tour of the underside of Keith Ray's stomach. Sorry. It's alright. We're both fat. There's a little Guy Fieri tattoo on his abdomen where he visited

with a thumbs up. I'd rather get fatted by the fat guy than like you two fucking. Who fats the fat man? Who fats the fat man? Let's see. Volvo of Australia's self-driving car is having problems because it has trouble understanding kangaroos. To be fair, Volvo, so do I.

All right. I wish you could chloroform yourself after that joke. I don't want to miss that one. You had to wake up tied to some railroad tracks. Like, oh, at least I don't remember bombing. Today is the first day of autumn. I knew a girl named Autumn. She got butt-fucked by the Hells Angels.

Oh, so is that like a callback to a girl named Autumn? You really did? No. I'm doing an impression of you. Oh, so is that like a callback to a girl named Autumn? You really did you know? No. I'm doing an impression of you. Oh, my God. Hey, man, I'm just getting it together. All right.

So today is the first day of Autumn. Okay. That comes ball season, as we all know. Wait, what season? Ball season. Explain. Like when you go to the ball, dust off the old tux and go out. Oh, okay. Yeah, pop open the Kmart bag and get out your tuxedo.

Lately, there's been a rise in Rothschild-esque Illuminati-themed parties, which, because of, I'm reminded of a saying my dad used to have, quitters never win, and winners celebrate sexually torrid pasts with members of your own family. What the fuck are you talking about? Man, I wish I could bomb as funny. I really wish I could do that. That started off as a joke about seasons and turned into Eyes Wide Shut.

How did you do that? It's fall season. The leaves are changing, but you know what it is? It's corruption amongst the financial elites And the horrible appetites That stem from a lack of fucking goals to achieve You went from It's fall today

Isn't incest funny? It's both true We got Keith to fill in last minute last night Because we knew Tom was going to be out And I was talking to him I just had an open mic And I'm like Yeah so you just got to do these five jokes

for the Mexican joke. And he's like, okay, but can you tell me what you guys are doing? Because I don't want to step on your thing. And I'm like, oh, they're real easy. Yeah, well, you know, I just want to do this and that. And I'm like, I know you're going to fuck this up. Here's what I think is funny. But I also know it's going to be beautiful. He's like, I don't want anyone else to have an

autumn incest party like, you know, the Illuminati joke. Step on one of our jokes is pretty funny. Yeah, I assumed you guys anyone else to have an autumn incest party. Like, you know, the Illuminati joke. Yeah, to think that that was going to step on one of our jokes is pretty funny. Yeah, I assumed you guys were going to bring up the Illuminati, because they're always in the news. I mean, there's still a lot of show. They own the news. Well, all right. A regional manager for Metro PCS stated that 32 stores were robbed in Florida during Hurricane Irma, amounting to almost $48 in damages. That's the official cell phone store of homeless people trying to get their lives together.

Is that MetroBCS? Yeah, yeah. You're like, you know what? I got $60 in the provisional credit card account from this social worker. I'm going to work my way up to Cricket Wireless. Yeah, this is just so I can get a job interview and get that Walmart greeter gig. I once saw a homeless lady FaceTime another homeless lady. That's amazing. Yeah, this is beautiful so I can get a job interview and get that Walmart greeter gig. I once saw a homeless lady FaceTime another homeless lady. That's amazing.

Yeah, this is beautiful. I love America. God bless America. Yeah, where are you? Outside. Where are you? Also outside. Donald Trump referred to Kim Jong-un as Rocket Man in a speech.

This continues his trend of giving musical nicknames to world leaders, including Benjamin... Oh, fuck, I fucked it up. Rodrigo, fight for your right, Dutarte. And Benjamin Netanyahu, let the dogs out. Damn it. It was bad, but at least I did it wrong. A part of me thinks he called him Rocket Man because he just thinks he's Yao Ming. That's pretty funny. It's one of the few times

where I've kind of seen him say something. I'm like, all right, Rocket Man's pretty funny. I's one of the few times where I've kind of seen him say something. I'm like, all right, Rocket Man's pretty funny. I didn't hate Rocket Man. I hate what he represented for democracy. Oh, yeah, we're all going to die, but it's a pretty sweet word. It has a condescending two-word nickname. Okay. Well, then I love Kim Jong-un came back and called him a dotard,

which nobody had ever heard of. That doesn't make sense, but it makes perfect sense. Well, it's like a senile old dipshit. Oh, okay. Yeah, so it actually makes sense. It's it's like a senile old dipshit. Oh, okay. It's an actual word in Korean. Apparently it's a kind of obscure word in Korean, but then again aren't all words in Korean obscure?

I think it's an English word, too. I don't know any of them. It's not like... You can learn that from Big Daddy. There's certain words in other languages that you just kind of know, whereas all of Korean, I don't really know. I like that when you said other

languages, you just pointed at a song. You know, you guys, you know. You know the other languages. Yeah. So Keith doesn't know Korean. That's what we all learned here today. Yeah, he looks like he fought and died in Korea. Hurricane Maria recently destroyed Puerto Rico's power grid, leaving them without power.

At the same time, a 7.1 earthquake hit Mexico, killing almost 300 people. But those countries are full of brown people, so it doesn't really matter. I like that that's a joke you told and just a secret thing Keith thought. It's totally steps on my joke. To why I asked last night in preparation for this bombing that you guys keep forever

and give to everyone. Yeah, the death toll in Mexico is a whopping 225 people. Nice. I like his serious newscaster voice. The death toll in Mexico City is, can someone

buy me a sandwich? You're still you. You can't fool me. I've been seen behind the curtain too much. I put on my college voice. Yeah, yeah. This is Keith trying to get an overdraft fee dismissed voice. All right. A Texas middle school teacher who preyed on underage girls on social media using the username Big D

has been charged with one felony count of soliciting a minor online and one misdemeanor charge of D exaggeration. There's a D auditor who's just like, man, this is tough. I'm your public defender, but this is a meeting D. Your Honor, the D don't fit. He's full of shit. And finally for me, a man in a diaper and a gorilla mask was arrested for stealing bananas from a Walmart. We've posted Tom Goss' bail, and he'll be back on the show next week. Yeah, I guess I need potassium to make my kidneys go.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I thought if you was a monkey, they was free. In Australia, the government recently passed out a gay sex pamphlet that had the randomly generated barcode that said bum sex, proving once and for all there is a God and he has a great sense of humor. Tell you who understands kangaroos, gay people. We're just like, yeah, there's a man in that man's pouch. He's the album. This one's kind of a feel-good story. Oh, is it?

Oh, no. An Amish prophet self-proclaimed of God, sentenced to 87 years for sexual misconduct with underage girls. At least he was being straight about it, you know? Wait, what? He wasn't gay. He was fucking girls. Yeah, he was fucking girls.

We always hear about liars. Did you say he was sentenced to 87 years? Yeah, 87 years. You might as well sentence him to a billion kajillion years. I mean, no, it's a blink of the eye in God's time. Yeah, but in terms of that dude being dead, it seems.

I do like that when you hear a prison sentence. He's got 233 years in prison. Why did you tell us that? Yeah, that's so stupid. That just makes prison seem dumb. You know what that guy's going to do? Try to discover immortality in prison. Oh, yeah?

Well, you have to go to jail for infinity plus one. No, that guy's going to be on the phone between the thick-plated glasses like, I need you to bake some gypsy tears into a can. I'm getting close in here. I'm making toilet potions. The Philosopher's Stone is somewhere in San Quentin right now.

All right. Wait, what are you doing? What happened? I was turning the volume off. That's an alert. Apparently, yeah. Anyone with Down Syndrome files complaint. You guys have Down Syndrome alerts? And he went off. That's an alert, apparently. Yep. Everyone with Down syndrome files complaint.

You have Down syndrome alerts? Yeah, I get Downsy alerts. Why? Talking to your microphone. I really like retarded people. They make me happy and feel good about myself. Those are two things that are really hard to come by in this world. Is it because they make you feel better that you're not retarded? Or is it because you're inspired by their appreciation?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they got a hard time getting dressed, too. No, my bad. They change clothes for no reason twice a day just like me. They also end up getting into pickles at the grocery store because they get excited about they have the good cheese and not that bullshit cheese. That's right. It's all about the cheese.

Do you guys know about the under five blocks, bro? Okay, you're a cheese pedophile. That's a great album title. What is it? Keith Ray, cheese pedophile. What is it under five blocks? Okay, so you can get really fancy cheeses at the grocery store. Right.

But they cut them into these smaller blocks, so they're only like three or four bucks a piece. Right. And you can make it look like you take care of yourself and enjoy nice things for a really reasonable amount. I like fromage de affinoir. Okay. That is fancy. I didn't expect you to stick the landing on the front chair. That was impressive.

No one knows for sure that he did. He did not pronounce the name of a fat lady on the internet. Completely crushed a type of cheese that probably doesn't exist. It's like a buttery brie. Buttery brie was that Instagram model. Buttery brie is your ex-girlfriend's hooker name. Oh, man, I'm going to miss you, Butter Bree. You were the best time $28 could buy.

Well, I guess it's just me and Greasy Debra now. All right, everybody. The B-Boys Podcast will be right back. Uh, fuck. Hey, you fucking fucks. It's your boy, Mark Malloy. You might know me as the proprietor of Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium. Or as that guy who got popped for setting up a Kickstarter for Hurricane Harvey,

and then he used the money to buy some broad set of fake tits or whatever. Look, if you're still mad about that, stop writing me emails, because clearly you don't understand how important a scientific development it is to sell black jugs on a Korean bitch. Nobody's got any fucking vision in this world anymore, I swear to fucking God. Anyway, I'm here to tell you about my exciting new business venture. If you're a woman over the age of 13 in Boston, there's a hundred percent chance you got a kid. And bless its little fucking heart, your precious little bundle of dipshit's probably a a real sweetie Running into walls and shitting in its overalls

And what have you. And if you're a mother In Boston, your kid's dad is most likely Either in jail, on his way to jail Or currently being stabbed in jail So what are you supposed to do With the little motherfucker while you're working? You gotta go shake your shit at that titty bar down on Blue Hill Ah, what the fuck's it called again?

Oh yeah, Honkers. Daytime pervert money Is the only thing that's gonna keep your precious little little mistake snack hole crammed full of Lunchables. But daycare can be so expensive. There's got to be a better fucking way. That's why I'm announcing the grand opening of Mark Malloy's Boston Kid Depository. Conveniently located at my retarded cousin Little Pete's house, we offer the cheapest, most convenient, legal adjacent daycare service in the greater Boston area. Kids love little Pete on account that he's got a medical condition known as shit for brains and is pretty much a 220 pound six year old. And don't worry about him going all mice and men on your kid and breaking him or whatever.

We keep him on a leash. So we promise that will never, ever happen again. We'll stock to the nuts with fun toys and games for kids with low standards of all ages. We got three quarters of a Monopoly game, we got a Nintendo that kinda works, we got six Legos, and little Pete's got his Play-Doh Fun Factory. And like, yeah, the Play-Doh's

about 73% jizz at this point, but you can still make fuckin' spaghetti or whatever. Kids are gonna go shit-dick cuckoo bananas when they see our front yard jungle gym jamboree. They can swing on that downed power line that's probably disconnected by now. They can climb all over that rusted out Nissan

the Dominicans who used to live here left on the lawn. We even got a seesaw. Oh, sorry, I read that part wrong. What I meant to say was, we're gonna let your kids see Saw. Yeah, I don't know, the only movies little Pete owns are all seven of the Saw movies and then just a dusty old VHS tape full of slutty cartoon octopus nonsense.

Yeah, it's labeled Atrocities of the Orient. Trust me, you don't want to show your kids that one. My six-year-old niece watched it for 30 seconds. Her hair turned white. She stopped being able to taste candy. I swear to God, hasn't smiled in three years. It's fucked up. Anyway, kids love Saw.

And frankly, if you didn't want your kids to see dead bodies, you shouldn't have lived in Southie. Don't be late. Any kids not picked up by 6 o'clock will be sold at market value to that old Vietnamese fella from down the block. I don't know what he's doing with them, and frankly, I don't need to know.

The good news is, it's not a sex thing. The bad news is, he felt the need to tell me that it's not a sex thing. So I kind of feel like the need to tell me that it's not a sex thing. So I kind of feel like it might be a he-who-smelt-it-delt-it pedophilia situation. Anyway, be on time and it's not a fucking problem. Yo, Mark, one of the kids got into your pills and he's turning a weird color. Ah, fuck me. This shit's expensive.

All right, guess I gotta go scoop a sack of Xanies out of a toddler. Hell of a fucking day. Anyway, come on down to Mark Malloy's Kid Shack, or whatever the fuck I called it earlier. Conveniently located on that block the cops won't go to anymore. All right, you little fucking cocksucker. You better oshkosh, but get to work throwing up Uncle Mark's sad boy pills, or I'm going to punch him out of you. All right, everybody.

The Mean Boys Podcast is back with a new segment that I came up with that I thought would be fun. This is a segment called You Be the Judge, where I'm going to tell you guys about a crime, and we're going to try to decide a better punishment for these people, or a punishment that you guys think is just. All right. Have they already been punished, and we're going to try and top that? I don't know. I should stop.

Keith, we didn't bring you on. Will you just walk me through everything? Because we needed a keen analytical mind. I kind of just wanted you to talk about barbecue sauce you enjoy and tell crackhead stories. Not so much like, well, what is the... I actually was a paralegal before the mask fell off, so... All right, so we'll open up with this one. The mother of a 14-year-old boy with autism, this was actually discussed in the Mean Boys live show,

who was traumatized after running with a Buckeye police officer, so she never expected what would happen to her son would spark a national discussion. Now, what happened is this guy on his police body camera tackled this autistic kid to the ground because he thought he was doing drugs. Now, let's take a look at a clip here to get a little context. So he tackles the kid because he thought he was doing drugs now let's uh take a look at a clip here to get a little context you know making it's me so he tackles the kid because he thought he was doing drugs or dealing news and right now you are about to hear from the family at the center of it all

it's my baby who was you know manhandled like that this is the mother of the 14 year old boy who was traumatized at the hands of a Buckeye officer. Tonight, she tells ABC 15 investigator Dave Biskabing why she no longer trusts Buckeye police. Do we have to try? No one knows a child like their mother. It's no different for Danielle Leibel and her 14-year-old son, Conner.

I love you. Oh, my God. Yeah yeah I was swinging on my swing but it doesn't take an expert or very long and we're sure he's not on drugs his autism are you stimming? yeah

because he's so verbal he's considered a higher functioning individual what's going on? it's also his autism, why we're here. What are you doing? I'm skimming. What? I'm skimming with this. What is that? On July 19th, a Buckeye police officer mistakes Connor's behavior for drug use and quickly grabs his arm to handcuff and detain Don't go anywhere. All right, just relax. Are you okay? I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm okay. It's pretty fucked up. That kid is pretty clearly autistic. Yeah, no, he's hella gump. On the gump scale, he ranks the forest. He's a whole rainforest. Yeah, this kid is just feeling a piece of string

because I guess with autistic people they like pictures and stuff. Touching shit. Yeah, which sort of freaks me out because I'm like,

hmm, so do I. You're a little autistic. I enjoy a little shag carpeting on the feet. Don't we all, though? Yeah, that's true. Soft things are nice. Yeah, so this kid

is rubbing a piece of string and then he starts so what do you think should happen to that guy? To the cop. Yeah, so this kid is rubbing a piece of string, and then he starts handing it. So what do you think should happen to that guy? To the cop? Yeah, because he got dismissed. All that shit got kind of thrown out against him. Okay.

Well, of course, because this is actually pretty good behavior for a police officer. That guy's also a drug recognition expert. All right. I think at one point during his life, nobody tells him when or where it's going to happen. They just sick it up and uppity tart on him. You get 30 seconds to go ham on him like a fucking chimp at a petting zoo. And just whatever happens, happens. Well, this guy's like, well, time to take my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese.

And he goes to the bathroom. They just lock the doors, turn out the lights. And it's like, we released one copy of Spyro on PlayStation 2. They're all going to try to find it. The Mongo! Oh, my God. If you were, like, if you fuck over one specific group, if you heard a black

person as a copy, you should have to go into, like, the Black Guy Thunderdome. It's called Prison. We have a name for it. It's called Prison. I mean, then you're not telling me right. Black guy Thunderdome. There's so many good episode titles.

Cheese pedophile, black guy Thunderdome. No, that'd be great, though. If you like a dog fighting ring, just you'll fucking, you're like, all right, well, you got to fight 50 dogs. Oh, man. One cop barehanded versus 20 slow kids. I think that this guy should, like, for two years, like, I mean, if they do let him be a cop again, I think they should.

Yeah, you should have to wear a helmet the whole time. Yeah. I mean, I don't. And not on a bike, in a car. Here's what I will say. I'm watching that video, and I'm kind of like, it did seem like he was, like, he didn't tackle him until the kid freaked out and kind of went fisty on him. And, you know, and it's like, there's always so much you can do at that point because you don't know what's up. But if somebody's swinging at you, you've got to get them on the ground.

You're not allowed to not do what cops tell you. Yeah, and I mean – And I understand that he didn't understand that because of his condition. But I mean it seemed like – as long as the cop didn't keep hurting him after he secluded. It kind of felt like the kid – Keith has a lot of empathy because of his experience at the hometown buffet. You're not allowed to say all you can eat and then get mad when I'm making a jello cast.

Here's the thing. It's a bummer, obviously. You watch it and you feel bad, but it didn't really seem like the cop did anything that wrong. Throw him on the desk. Put him on the desk duty. That's what they hate the most. The cops shouldn't have gone for the arrest right away.

I think you should have talked to them. It looked like there was a cut in the video there, though. I couldn't be wrong. No, it was straight. Oh, was it? Okay, I thought I saw an edit there. It was straight through. I think we should give that cop's kids enough vaccines until they're autistic.

Let's actually find out how many vaccines you have to take before you actually become autistic. Well, good news, Officer Grossman. Their legs are in tip-top shape. No polio. Hope you like trains, Mr. Grossman. I hope you like trains. Wait, I have an alternate thing. Instead of punishing the cop just because of what happened to that kid, he's now illegally allowed to do heroin.

Oh, yeah. That'd be sick. Which, what a great way to spend a life that will never meet any kind of potential anyway. What if we found out that's how you cure autism, though? Heroin? Like, if you just shoot it hard with drugs, they just get super smart.

I gotta be honest, it feels a bit... To call Keith a retard, but actually calling someone with autism a retard, I don't know. Does that feel weird to you guys? I mean, clearly, yes. We all got real tight on that. Sure wish you would have had this moral objection before I did it 40 times. I don't know.

This is where we bring up the moral questions, right? When I think about the developmentally disabled, one word really comes to mind. It's not retard. It's the N-word. Loser. Because, like, in the game of being born, if you're born retarded,

you're lost. So... Yeah, you're lucky in blackjack. You're still a loser. Yeah. It's not a game of skill being born. I do feel that way.

That's why I think handicapped parking spaces shouldn't be right next to the place. It's not my fault you were bad at natural selection. Exactly.

Welcome back to the eugenics. Well, you're in a wheelchair. Why shouldn't be right next to the place. It's not my fault you were bad at natural selection. Exactly. Welcome back to the eugenics. Well, you're in a wheelchair. Why should you get to park closer? You don't even have to walk. It's not a big deal for you. And you got to push a button for eight more seconds. Big old roly-poly women

fucking parking there. Out in the valley, there's no handicap people, just fat people that are pretending. Said two guys with crippling gland disorders. Hey, this is all mayonnaise. This is all my decision.

I take responsibility. I'm fat, my choice, ladies and gentlemen. How dare you? Alright, this next story. This one is, I don't know what kind of legal recourse is really appropriate here, but a restaurant patron in Delaware wasn't thrilled to be eating next to a fellow patron's service animal and she wasn't afraid to let him know.

The woman who was dining at a made-up-sounding-ass place, Kathy's Crab House and Family Restaurant, in Delaware City, was filmed yelling at a group of people in the middle of the eatery, arguing that having a dog in the dining room is nasty, and that there should be a separate section for people with animals, reports Heavy.com. Now, this was a PTSD service dog marked with a PTSD service dog vest for a war veteran. And I just want you guys to hear a little bit of this lady because it's pretty and fucking sane. I'm not going to keep my pants on myself.

I'm going to push it just like I did. There's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. I'm leaving because the food is nasty and there's a dog. So what? What do you want to do about it? Nothing. He's alive because he fought for our country.

Congratulations. Congratulations. My husband's dead. My husband's dead. You're dead too. What's your point? My husband's dead. Fought for the fucking country.

What's your point? So what? It's still nasty to me. I don't care. No, it's not. It's nasty to me. You can't change my opinion. So goddamn opinion! I don't care! It should be a separate section for a fucking animal! Who said period?

Your first section for an animal! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up!

Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up!

Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! Shut the hell up! at a restaurant. Kathy's Crab Jack and Family Diet. Oh, I love Kathy's Crab. I used to finger bang girls on breadstick at night. It looks like they were just trying to cover their faces.

Oh, man. So anyway, that goes on for another two minutes. Oh, Jesus. Well, of course it is because she's whipping herself up into that hole.

I get to say the same thing again and again. It's nasty. It's nasty. It's just nice to see a black person taking back being an entitled cunt from the white man. Like, holy shit. Wow.

Yeah, no shit. Well, she said, my husband died, too. So now I'm just picturing her husband as, like, a Navy SEAL. No, she said, my husband's dad also fought in the... Oh, okay. She's just trying to say, like... Because I was picturing her husband, like, in, like, a Russian, like, dark, like, interrogation room. And then a German shepherd walks in with a loaded handgun and says,

Say goodbye, Mr. Bond. Man, that is ridiculous. And this dude, to be fair, that is a giant-ass dog. Well, that's clearly a service dog, though. That's not like one of those shitty chihuahuas. That's a dog that sounds like a horse. Dogs can get scared really easily and to have like a bunch of adult people screaming around the dog that's probably service dogs that was probably the biggest victim in the whole thing well i think the

dog is the panic of the dog i think the dog is probably fine because they're really trained you know who i think does get scared really easily are people with ptsd yeah and so like i kind of go back to that thing is this is like an older dude with ptsd and And so, like, I kind of feel bad for that person. Here's my thing, is this is, like, an older dude with PTSD. And if you're, like, 65-year-old baby Boonamer War veteran, you don't want to be the guy who has a service dog. You know what I mean? That's true. Because, like, that's, like, the exact kind of guy. You're not hopping on the bandwagon.

You need that dog. This guy's not like, well, yeah, I like to watch him eat garlic knots. He's like, no, sometimes shit gets real at the supermarket, and I need Harvey to, you know. Yeah, I'm not allowed to choke out Koreans on the bus so they gave me a fucking poodle. Like, I don't like when I go to liquor stores and there's just a cat

hanging out inside, you know, but I'm like, you know what, it's close to my house and fine, so. Yeah,

it's not like the dog, she's like, oh, the food is nasty. The dog is not making the food. Like, the dog is in one location. Don't eat food

that was in that dog-shaped area and you're gonna be fine, bitch. Yeah, here's what I, This seems like a good solution for Dog Thunderdome, as we discussed.

She has to go to Dog Thunderdome. Just to eat a dog. She has nothing but a vest to wear. I think it's just no more shrimp for you, you know? No more shrimp ever. You can't go down the street from Kathy's and get up Long John's now. You get banned from having shrimp for life.

There's so much coordination that would have to go on to make that happen. Yeah, if we detect mercury in your blood during these random sample times. We're going to put a bunch more mercury in your blood. Yeah, we're going to chalk you full of fucking heavy metals and put you in Dog Thunderdome. You really just want Dog Thunderdome to be a thing. If I may realize, I think. One man roof Two men

Two men enter One man digs I think the Thunderdome Was probably going to be The answer to every question Yeah On this segment That's probably

Too good of an idea Really You should probably Just have a dog Follow her everywhere Yeah Just everywhere she goes There's just a dog

I think she should Like I mean Because she's just Such a piece of shit I think she should Like have, because she's just such a piece of shit, I think she should, like, have to talk to Piers Morgan about, like, one of his hobbies for, like, three days straight. I think she should have to tour his entire botanical garden, you know, while he's just like, actually, you know.

They just put her on Small World for, like, eight go-rounds in a row. I, uh, man, what an awful woman. She was fucking going to her. Because if she said my husband died, I'm like, all right. That was where I was like, they've all got some issues. She's got some feelings attached to the whole service dog thing. But my husband died. Yeah, my dad was in the war, too.

And it was like, oh, yeah, he's cool. Yeah. Give him a dog. We're not saying that your dad can't also have a dog. We're saying he can have a dog. Yeah. Well, he doesn't have a dog, but he's definitely got a bitch. Am I right, Gabe?

Correctamundo. So what do we think? What do we think for this lady? I think the shrimp one is pretty good. If my mom was here, she would be like, well, they ought to make her go fight. That's what she would say. That was going to be my suggestion.

My mom's idea for what it would be is to make her go fight. That's what she would say. That was going to be my suggestion. That's like my mom's idea for what it would be is like to make her serve in a forward unit, you know, serve in active combat. Let's combine Keith's and Connor's idea. Shrimp's on their dump. Oh, you just drowned in live shrimp. She's going to eat her way out. You have one bottle of marinara sauce. You got to fucking dig dug for shrimp. I love how Hassan thinks that you dip shrimp of marinara sauce. You have to get out. I love how Hassan thinks that you dip shrimp in marinara.

Cocktail sauce. That seems like something you would do. You're like, seems trashy, tastes classy. Welcome to Shrimperdome. Welcome to Big Keith's fucking Etcetera Palooza. Food dungeon. Eat your way out. This was in, like, what?

Alabama or some shit? It was in the South, right? This was in Delaware. I was in Delaware? Okay, I thought it was in the South because I was like, this black lady's yelling at an old white military man

about, like, your dog's disgusting. I don't want to be in the same restaurant. And he's probably like, look. I feel the same way about certain other people

in this restaurant, but I'm not saying anything. You got a little bit of a social contract. Yeah, exactly. There needs to be a metal band called Hellawear.

They all like lame Joe Biden looking dudes. I feel like Hellawear is like an offshoot of FUBU. It's like a NorCal clothing company.

This dog completes me. It is the two to my three-fifths. No, no, no. You started with the whole... Yeah, but mine was really funny. Alright, let's do one more. Do you guys want to do something about

psychics, drunk driving with kids, or dead babies? The first one. Drunk driving with kids. Oh, dead babies. All things will be different. Dealer's choice. Connor, you pick.

Ah, okay. I mean... We can save the other ones for another episode, too. I suppose we can. Yeah, this is tough. Some of them have a lot more meat on the bone than others. All right, so a Newcastle man in Pennsylvania forced an eight-year-old girl to drive him around,

according to a criminal complaint. Police said Kevin Michael Cook, 24, forced the child into the vehicle and had her start driving to East Palestine, Ohio, before they were stopped by two bystanders. East Palestine? East Palestine, Ohio. What a problem. It's called Israel. Israel, Indianapolis, East Palestine, Ohio. It's just off Gaza.

I mean, not to be a schtickler, but wouldn't that be West Palestine? I don't know. Across the Atlantic. It's an eight-year-old driving a drunk dude around. Yeah, so basically he's a family friend of the little girl. This guy's hammered, and he forces her to drive him home. Whoa. Now, what do we think should happen to this guy?

Is this, like, right on the border? Like, because it starts in Pennsylvania. Do you know a lot about Ohio DUI laws? Look at him. Of course he does. It starts in Pennsylvania, right? And then he's supposed to... Like, that's a long drive.

That's also trafficking a minor. That's like a huge thing. Well, that means it's a minor trafficking a dude. What do you guys know so much about pedophilia statutes and drug laws? I'm going to look up the distance. You guys chew on that a little bit. Ignorance of the law is no defense. Definitely shrimp thunderdome.

All right. This dude's got to fight 100 drunk kids. Oh, dude. No, this guy has to go on a fucking two-week road trip with just the worst fifth grade fucking juvenile hall class. God, man. That's a... Like a Buster's...

Yeah, I have so many questions. So that's only a 35-minute drive. Oh, okay. That's fine. Yeah, flip it around. Have him drunk drive some kids. If this is an eight-hour drive... That's what it is.

Him drunk has to go be a school bus driver. That's his punishment. He does six months. And if you keep him all alive, he gets... And on this gritty origin story for Otto from The Simpsons. I could see, like, putting him in jail for kidnapping or something like that, but I don't think he should lose his license. He made a responsible decision to not drive,

and we should respect that whenever he gets out for whatever he gets charged for. If anything, I think his defense is like, you're on a detective, but the child kidnapped me. To be fair, Keith's driver's license is just a piece of notebook paper that has written in blood on it. Just be cool. Let's not have a problem here. That's what everybody needs to show. What has this man really done wrong?

Kids want to drive cars. Did anyone tell this eight-year-old that, hey, you got to do something really cool? There's always no line for Autopia at Disney World. Psych. Yeah, I don't know. I don't even think this should be punished. I think he made a call. He kind of freaked her out. He. Yeah, I don't know. I don't even think this should be punished.

I think he made a call. Well, he kind of freaked her out. He sort of forced her in the car. He's not related to the girl. I mean, there's a lot of problems here. That's it. He's like a family friend, you know? Okay.

Investigator said the eight-year-old said a man got out of his car at the intersection and yelled at her and Cook. Two bystanders stopped the car right around the time the 911 called. Hey, this is Steve Ranazzuzzi.

What are you doing? The girl told police Cook then switched seats and had her get into the driver's seat before the police got there. According to the complaint, police said they tried

to give Cook a sobriety test but he couldn't finish because he was so drunk the officer even had to catch him to keep him from falling from the ground. Darlington Township Police Chief Al

told Channel 11 the eight-year-old girl has no relation with the suspect. He is just a family friend. So he's being charged with endangering the welfare of a child, driving under the influence, and driving without a license. I mean, to be fair, the kid didn't have to get in the car.

I mean, but like – Yeah, it's her fault. That's some victim-blaming-ass shit. Yeah, well, first of all, I'm okay victim-blaming in a situation where nobody hopefully got fingered. But like – I'm hoping there's not another paragraph at the end that's like, oh, BT-du got a video oh no no but like i don't know the kid could have called the fucking the kid made some bad decisions the kid is eight if i'm eight i'm over like if i'm eight i called 911 yeah well keith you were a fucking gnarly eight-year-old raised by meth heads you've got

you've got skills you were a hard eight man you're like like if the people from taken and got you, you'd be like, first of all, try to pick me up. Second of all, I'd be in a knife out of a crayon. I would've been like, thank you, get me out of here. Yeah, that's true. I always wanted to go to Europe. Eight-year-old me would've been like, yeah, I'll drive. Yeah. Wow, a friend.

Yeah, this is crazy. I think this is a fun day for an eight-year-old. Yeah, I think it was probably terrifying. I also like that you just referred to the child as it. I think the eight-year-old should be sentenced to go-karts. I think that's a fair solution. I mean, how good was the kids driving? Do we know about that?

It's impressive that she reached the gas pedal. It says they almost got into two wrecks, which is pretty good for an eight-year-old on a 35-minute drive. I'd probably almost get more wrecks than that. Yeah, I was going to say, that's not bad. The madhouse or whatever. Yeah. All right, and for the guy, Shrimp Thunderdome. Yeah, have a good one.

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Wait, no, no, no.com. Just the.ag. It's from Antigua. That's a good country. A lot of good laws there. I bet their leader doesn't wear a lot of unnecessary military medals. I mean, I can't imagine. That's true.

All right. You play. You win. You get paid. Off with some money. Yeah. And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Before we go into our next game, off air, Keith Ray was telling us, he started to tell

a story and we decided to save it for the show. Tell us what you were about to tell us. So yesterday I got high with a couple of 10th graders. Outside of a liquor store in Silver Lake, California. And I was going to the liquor store

to buy Fancy Smokes. I was in a good mood and I was like, I'm going to buy me some Fancy Smokes is what he calls weed. Benson and Hedges. Ever delightful. Well, yeah, no. Fancyancy Smoke seems like it would be his lounge act atheist. Why am I interrupting this, Keith? So I get out of the car

and I go in and I buy my smokes. But as I come out these two kids are like, hey man, will you buy us some Rillos? And I was like, only if you let me throw in on one of them, you know, because I had some weed on me. Yeah. Of course. I'm not a monster.

As you say to high school kids. And I just assumed they were teenagers. And the whole, like, smoking, you have to be 21 now. Yeah, that is true. So they could have been 18 or 19 and been addicted. Then I saw their braces. And I was already rolling the blunt. So I was like, how old are you guys?

And they were like, we're in 10th grade. Oh, no. And I was like, well, I've already committed to this. You could have easily walked away from this situation. It's not any less of a crime now. If anything, now they're going to turn you in just to fuck with you. No, they were really sweet kids. And I wasn't like hipping them to something that they weren't aware of.

If you're smoking berry... If you call them Rillos, you're not like... Yeah, berry fillies are what you use to roll your blunts. Like, yeah, you've smoked a few blunts before. Fair point. I was like, I figured I'd just kind of probe them for information about themselves. You gotta not say, I probed some tenths.

I was probing these boys. I was trying to get all the fat I could out of them. They're just tireless at that age. That's where the chloroform comes from Bringing it back Kid wakes up and he's like

I'm in a weird jungle gym full of shrimp Thunderdome! One boy enter Eaten by shrimp It's the way of the murder crustacean Well, so we We were smoking and I was... Party foul, face the wheel.

Do you guys like comedy? And they were like, yeah. And I was like, well, who's your favorite comic? And the one kid goes Louis C.K. I was like, good choice. And the other kid goes Richard Pryor. And I was like, okay, I like this kid. I want to get high with him again.

You're cool. I was like, why do I like this kid. I want to get high with him again. You're cool. I was like, why do you like Richard Pryor? And he was like, well, it always seemed to me like when he tells his jokes that it's like he's telling them right to you. And it doesn't seem like an act. It seems like he's really talking to you. And I was like, wow, that's a pretty deep thought. That's legitimate insight for a 10th grader. So I was like, okay, maybe these kids have a chance at life.

And they said, can you help me with my chemistry homework? And I grew up in the middle of a fucking cornfield. I graduated high school with 47 people. Well, I wasn't so much born as I was delivered by a meteorite. Like Mad Superman. Yeah, and I had nothing but a uh a weird warehouse shirt with the name tag already sewn into it that said keith it's indestructible and you know after my career as a journalist fell apart due to the drinking problem that's when i got into you know

just peddling my verbal wares it's a bird it's plane. It's going to rehab. Yeah, I was born with my CDL. It's not a big deal. That's the license you have to have to drive a big rig. God damn it. Keith, you should have known that. You're white trash like me. You're Cali trash. Yeah, different brand of trash. Yeah, you should have known that, man.

Did I say noon? Yeah, you did, yes. Well, my mouth's not working yet, okay? It's okay. Keith, have a swig of Coke, and I'll tell the listeners about how you're like, oh, shit, I'm running out of time to donate plasma. And then looks at his phone and is like, oh, no, I got plenty of time. All right, we should probably get to this next game before Keith's blood expires.

Indeed we should. It's time for our favorite game of blood. Oh, you didn't get to the best part. What's the best part? I'm smoking the weed with the kids. So I fuck the kids. So I'm getting all this info. I'm sorry.

I drone on and on. But I'll skip over the part where they told me about what it was like to go to a high school that nobody gets hit at the high school and stuff. Because they go to high school in Silver Lake. I was like, I grew up just getting beaten all the time. These kids, they're like, why would they do that? And I was like, because they didn't like me and they needed to teach me how to become likable. And that's how they did it. And they were like, oh, we just like everybody right off the bat.

But we don't really care about anybody. I was like, oh, wow. So it's like you haven't invested anything in liking somebody. So therefore your like is not really worth anything, whereas the people who beat me and now like me a lot because I've changed who I am and developed, they're reaping what they sow. They enjoy it. It's nice.

It's more valuable. Hey, clap your hands if you hit your kids in the building right now one time. You've got to beat someone into love sometimes. Well, thank you so much for skipping that part. Yeah. I'll skip the part where I go on a 45-minute tangent to nowhere. So I asked the kids.

I had to get down to brass tacks. The blunt was starting to go get low, and I knew they weren't going to be hanging out with me afterwards, nor did I want to hang out with them. So I got right to it. You guys still virgins? And they were like, no! And the one kid goes, I am, but he's not. I saw it. And I was like, what?

These are some good friends. And I was like, really? You're still a virgin? So you're like, not even a blowjob, handjob, nothing? He's like, nope, nothing for me yet. I really would like to change that, though. And I was like, easy, buddy. He was coming to me for advice at this point And I was like easy buddy He was like Coming to me for advice at this point

I was like I don't know You have to like Do what you care the most about With your everything And chicks seem to dig that That's like the only way I ever got any pussy Was caring about other things Yeah when Kay Rizzo put out

Yeah bro I threw myself into whatever I'm doing at the time That makes sense That's actually good advice Oh, it really is, yeah That's great advice And here's the other advice I give the versions on the podcast That I'll reiterate

Stop listening to this podcast Good first step But before you do, soak this in The pussy hole, lower than you think it's going to be The clit, higher than you think it's going to be The middle Basically worthless No man's land

It's like America Either side is pretty important And the middle is just A bunch of garbage Pussies are exactly like America Alright Because they're fucked Yeah they're full of

Full of slow Developing poison Don't go Don't go thudding your chud head In the fucking middle just like you know you're gonna be like a pigeon trying to like fly through a screen find the hole first send an exploratory thumb in there to get some answers yeah and you know where you're going yeah yeah you gotta you gotta lewis and clark it yeah exactly and then they were then they were like do

you want to be uh do you want to be our sex dad me on instagram or whatever and i was like oh i don't have instagram uh you can be my friend on Facebook. And they were like, we don't have that because they're 15 years old. 15-year-olds don't need to look up people that they went to high school with. They're still going to high school with them. That's a fair point. All right. So we took some pictures, and I'll just show you.

Why would you? Oh, my God. You're showing us photographic evidence of, I hope, misdemeanor. I don't think we can post this as much as I desperately want to. Oh, we're going to. Yeah, you're going to have to. I was showing them nude faces. We can blur the faces.

Showing them all the nudes chicks send me after. Okay, now it's a felony. Now it is a felony. You're distributing pornography to children. I was like, have you guys ever seen 50-year-old tits? And they were like, no. And they're like, I got you, man. I guess I successfully avoided them.

I'm going to need to see the 50-year-old tits. Let me see these guys. This looks like my patio. Oh, no. His face. Yeah, we're posting that. Yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah, the 50-year-old tits.

We'll just Photoshop Hassan's face over the kids. You have like five pictures on your phone. Okay. Let me see. Those look like 45. on your phone. Right. Okay. Let me see. Those look like 45. Those are bad tits. You think they're bad? Yeah.

They look expired. I haven't seen them. Yeah, they're old lady tits. One of them is a rectangle. Like, that's not. One of them is doing the whole like, oh, I'll smush this one. Yeah, don't fuck with that rhombus ass titty. They look like Glenn Danzig's neck now.

That quadrilateral. They're just kind of vaguely gray. I love that we're playing a game ofus-ass titty. They look like Glenn Danzig's neck now. That quadrilateral. Really. They're just kind of vaguely gray. I love that we're playing a game of how many weeks in a row can we reference Glenn Danzig. He's on the dome, man. I'm thinking about him. He's on the Thunderdome. Alright, speaking of which... Danzig dome. We have a very exciting game of which of the following?

Hey! This one comes to us from Ethan D. Lawrence all the way over in sunny Britain. Thank you for listening, Ethan. One of our key transatlantic supporters says, Oh, you mean boys. I'm so pleased to see this podcast go from strength to strength.

And you now have a proud Patreon supporter in me. Too many Ps, man. You're fucking with me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking your Mary Poppins whimsy. Give us your money. The urge struck me to do another Which of the Following since politician names and stupid places in the UK seemed to amuse before. This one is urge struck me to do another Which of the Following since politician names and stupid

places in the UK seemed to amuse before. This one is on horror movies to enjoy. Which of the following is not a real horror movie? There's also the guy that got into a fight with Ramsey. And, you know, look, if you want us to comment on anybody else, Ethan, we got you. I'm here for you, buddy. This dude rules. So round number one, which of the following is not a real horror movie?

A. Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash. B. Chud, Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. C, Night of the Living Cactus. Or D, Evil Bong. I know two of these are real for sure. I think Chud is real. Chud sounds real.

I call people Chud all the time. It's one of my favorite insults. You just said Chud right before this. It just means... But that's where it comes from. Oh, I did, yeah. Well, it's just a good, like, it just means, like, you fucking... But that's where it comes from. Oh, really? From that movie? Yeah, they're fucking

shitty sewer people. Are they, like, bros? Like, sewer bros? No, they're just, like, gross, like, sewer monsters. Because when I hear Chud, I think of, like... Well, it sounds like Chad.

Chud is the kind of guy who'd have an Ashley Madison account, if that makes sense. Yeah, Chud is just, like, a fucking gross idiot. You know, like, this fucking guy. What are the, uh...

Chud, you get stuck talking to at a party? What are A and C again? A is bikini, bloodbath, car wash. And C is night of the living cactus. It seems like you just go bikini, blood, car wash. Or it's a wash, it's a bath, this is redundant. I'm going to say...

I think that's real. I think night of the living cactus is the fake one. What's the last one? Evil bong. Yeah, evil bong's real. I've seen that. Evil bong is real. Yeah, that sounds real.

It's fucking terrible. I'm pretty sure. Evil Bong is real. Yeah, it sounds real. It's fucking terrible. I'm pretty sure. Really? What? Oh, man. Mail Street's not in it? I just bought a Shudder account. It was like haunted or some shit.

Good pull. But I remember something with a haunted car. A company that might actually sponsor it, so don't take that the wrong way. I'll go the fuck, because Living Cactus sounds real, too, just because it's so terrible. I'll go with the bloodbath bikini sounds real too just because it's so terrible. I'll go with the bloodbath bikini car wash even though I think that's real as well. All right, the fake one. Night of the Living Cactus.

All right, Keith jumps into an early lead. Round number two, which of the following is not a real horror movie? A, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. That's Keith's sophomore album. B, It Was Because You're Black. Jesus Christ. That's Keith's third album. That's my legal defense.

C, fertilize the blaspheming bombshell. That's a voicemail for me. Or D, monsterd. Oh, God. Monsterd. I love that. That is a Captain Underpants villain. That needs to be a movie if it's already that. Weren't the monsterds the bad guys in Space Jam?

Oh, yeah, Space Jam.butthole. Can you run them one more time real quick? All right. A, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. Okay. B, It Was Because You're Black. C, Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell. Or D, Monsterd.

I think Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is the fake one. That's the best Misfits song they never got on vinyl. I'm going to say It Was Because You're Black is the fake one. I'll go C. I'll go the fake one. That's the best Misfits song they never got on vinyl. I'm going to say it was Because You're Black is the fake one. I'll go C. I'll go the third one. All right, the fake one. It was Because You're Black. Tied up neck and neck.

Keith Ray, Keith Carey, Ahsan. Sucks. I'm very bad at this game. True. Round number three, blank versus blank edition. A, Zombies versus Mardi Gras. B, Dino Croc versus Super Gator. I've seen that. Cardi Gras. B. Dino Croc vs. Super Gator. I've seen that.

C. Teddy Roosevelt vs. Dracula. Or D. Helen Keller vs. The Night Wolves. Those could have been day wolves. She wouldn't have known the difference. They didn't need to be invisible wolves. That's 100% of all wolves. Helen Keller vs. Any Door. Helen Keller vs. The. Helen Keller versus the stairs.

Boom! Clang. Apparently Helen Keller liked to fuck. Have you guys heard that? Really? Yeah, she was just like, yeah, fucking get in there. She could feel that. She got one sense left.

She could feel that. She was crazy heightened. She probably just comes a firework show. You know what would be so funny? She's getting dicked up and she just starts laughing

and she's signing like, look, there's no way that you would know this, but you're actually signing potato inside my vagina. All right, what

are you guys thinking here? What if she keeps thinking she's having sex, but she's just sitting on a plunger? Her pussy's not dumb. She can feel wood and she knows what a dick feels like. How does she know?

She's a slut. You heard the story. I might have made up. Helen Keller, you dirty whore. I'm just going to Google Helen Keller slut and see what comes up. Helen Keller on Twitter tweeted, I'm not going to lie, I was a total slut in high school. I mean, that's pretty credible.

That doesn't seem... Helen Keller has a Twitter account? That's amazing. It seems to be some sort of joke thing. Oh, you don't say. Well, really. It's not the real Helen Keller. Right, does it have the blue checkmark next to it? Because that's how you know if it's real or Helen Keller.

No, but she thinks it does. Yeah, maybe I just heard this wrong or made it up. I'm sorry. What a weird piece of slander to create. Were you thinking of Anne Frank? Because Anne Frank was kind of horny. She was 13, I doubt.

No, Anne Frank was horny as fuck. She was discovering her body. There's all these things that got cut out of... I was writing a sketch about it for the show, but there were all these things that got cut out of the Diary of Anne Frank where she's talking about having gay sex and wanting to fuck. And she's like, a 13-year-old.

Right, yes. It's just funny. A 13-year-old wants to fuck. I get that. I'm saying, I doubt she had time to be a slut. Well, no, but I'm just saying maybe he's mixing those two stories up. Okay. Yeah, because there's only four famous women in history.

For some reason, Anne Frank and Helen Keller are confused a lot. I don't know why. Yeah, I get that. I heard it somewhere and they were probably wrong and I'm sorry about that. You know? But anyway,

which one of those things is fake? I'll refresh your memory. We went on quite a tangent. Zombies vs. Mardi Gras, Donald Kroc vs. Super Gator, Teddy Roosevelt vs. Dracula, or Helen Keller vs.

The Night Wolves? Zombies vs. Mardi Gras. Zombies vs. Mardi Gras as well. Keith Ray. I'm going to go with Teddy Roosevelt vs. Dracula. The fake one. Teddy Roosevelt vs. Dracula.

Shit. I thought that had to be real. I want to shut down the National Park. That's a really deforestation. Talk softly and carry a big steak. Damn, bro. That was a fire ass. Half-court Roosevelt refs.

Wow. That's some great foreign policy. All those people, Mardi Gras zombies getting drunk out there. Let's go ahead and go to round four, champ. Ooh, boobs. Yeah, we can go ahead and add this. I did a vampire voice for a zombie. Yeah. You know, they're out there just stumbling around like. I did a vampire voice for a zombie. Yeah.

You know, they're out there just stumbling around like a bunch of hell and cowards. Yeah, that's pretty good. Round number four. That's my new character, Connor Bombing. A, colon slash slash hacked the number two death. B, big tit zombie. Love it. Yes. C, I was a zombie for the

FBI. Or D, scrotal vengeance. I was a zombie for the FBI sounds like a Ramones lyric. I don't know why. It really does. I want to see scrotal vengeance. Scrotal vengeance. Yeah, that sounds like something that I would actually go to a magazine for.

You need to write material quicker just so you can have these as albums. Scrotal Vengeance. Hack to death. Scrotal Vengeance is when you kill the guy that was camping in Call of Duty and

teabag him. That's really Scrotal Vengeance. I'm going to go with Scrotal Vengeance. What was B again? B was Big Tid Zombie. I remember A is like

a coding thing like colon slash slash hack to death. That's too specific I think for it to be made up. So I think it might be Squirtle Vengeance. Squirtle Vengeance. All right.

I'm going with the first one. Hack to death? Yeah. All right. Asana Mud. I said Squirtle Vengeance. All right. The fake one.

A, hack to death. Wow. God damn. Keith Ray. Crushing. Keith Ray, man. I can't imagine somebody going to see something that's just got a bunch of symbols in the name. You know what I mean?

But Big Tid Zombie. Yeah. I would go to that. That's kind of impeccable logic. He's like, that doesn't fucking sell tickets. But these are like direct to video horror movies, pretty much. Big Tid Zombie had a theatrical release in the UK, all right? They're much more sexually liberated than us.

That's probably true, but there's no way you know that. Don't they have porn in the newspaper in England? Yeah, yeah. Page five. Page five? Page five. Yeah, yeah, because I remember reading about this one porn star, and it was like, yeah, she's a page five girl.

I was like, what the fuck is that? And it was like, oh, let's just jerk off to the paper. Yeah. Let's check out the stocks, and let's check out my stick. I jerk off to the paper anyway, but I just really like Ziggy. Ziggy hasn't been in a newspaper in a billion years. Ziggy's probably still in the papers.

All right, we'll settle this after the show. Yo, Ziggy's hanging around, fam. Ziggy's went... Do you think you're gonna... Ziggy made the jokes jiving us that they were funny, but he just fucking sucked.

All right, round number five, all real or all fake. No more goddamn song parodies, Connor edition. A, stuff Stephanie in the incinerator. Huh. B, sometimes Aunt Martha does dreadful things.

C, weasels rip my flesh. Or D, I dismember mama. All real. Hmm. I think Keith is mad because he seems to feel like some of these were stolen from events in his actual life. All fake. Just because you can read faster than I can think. I can't even read that well, dude.

No, you read very quickly. Oh, sorry about that. It's all right. Hey, stuff Stephanie in the incinerator. Oh, no, I heard you. I was just saying. I'm just kind of in awe of how well you can read. I know that you guys are getting into each other.

It's just a compliment on yourself. I know this is a lie for you. I know you've only been underneath about six to seven roofs in your life. It's kind of an overwhelming day for you. Did you say roofs? Yeah. Roofs. Like the roof?

Yeah. Roofs. You know that there's not a V in roof, right? I think you're like? Yeah. Roofs. Like the roof? Yeah. Roofs. You know there's not a V in roof, right? Mr. Reed's so goddamn good. He's over here with his roofs. I just wanted to give you a win, you dumb dumb. You got the roofs like Jagger

over here. God damn it. I feel like such a dumb asshole. You probably never seen any runes. Fuck. God damn it. I grew up with a house. Come on.

Jesus. All fake. Yeah, I'm going all fake too. Alright, those are all real. I think Keith still wins. Yeah, you got like every one. Ethan says, have fun and keep up the Sterling work, although I hope you do better

than the actual pound Sterling, because, well, we ain't doing so good. Fuck everything. God is dead. I like that this guy threw in a geoeconomic little zing again with the New Yorker cartoon type humor in a game where it's like, the black tits were the living dead.

I think tit vampire was better than cunt werewolf. Do you think you could pull up Helen Keller and the Night Wolves? Is that something you could just Google? You can Google anything. You think Google's going to be like, no, bro, you can't handle this. You can't handle the Night Wolves.

Yeah, this movie looks terrible, but Helen Keller does look pretty horny. That kind of corroborates my point Oh man, that's like recent Yeah How old does it look? It came out in 2015 I kind of want to watch this movie

Yeah, alright, we'll look into that And we'll be right back with your questions in the Mean Boys mailbag Suck it to me Alright Alex, you have one hour socket to me? Alright, Alex. You have one hour. I'm a mammal, Kelly! I need to nurse the minds of my young! I'm not going to have any more arguments with you in front of coin-operated livestock, Alex.

That time of my life is over. Look, I'm going to be out here at 3.30. Whether or not there's a SWAT team with me is up to you. Alright, kids, go see Daddy. Mommy has to go run some errands. Hi, Dad. Hey, Dad. Liberty!

Justice! How are my two favorite ragamuffins doing? Actually, Dad, we've been meaning to tell you... I'm going by Libby now. You can call me Justin. Whoa, whoa, whoa. If I hadn't eaten your birth certificates, that's what it would say on them, goddammit.

I didn't go on an ayahuasca barbecue quest to name you like a couple of liberal trendies. Alex, I've already dialed 9-1. Do you want me to dial the other one? Alright, alright. Come on, kids. Let's go get some thick-cut freedom chips. Dad, they're called mojo potatoes. We've been over this. Alright, goodbye, Alex. One hour. I want to hear about this in the van, kids, and not on the news, Alex. Goodbye, Kelly. Come on, kids. Yeah, mojo potatoes.

Everybody hates freedom and loves voodoo. Dad, can we play air hockey? Not now, Liberty. Libby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, girl, Bernie. Now, kids, put these in your mouths. What? Open up! We don't have much time. I'm testing you for fluorides. Now, has your mother been filtering your water?

We just get it from the fridge. Damn it, Kelly! You know the terms of our custody agreement, don't you? Ah, drinking from a Chinese fridge? I thought you two looked gayer. Oh, what else she been doing? Does she still think about me? Ah, Jesus Christ, your contaminant readings are off the chart.

You might as well be drinking from the toilet at the D-triple-C. There's not going to be any pizza, is there? No time. I'm going to level with you kids. This visit is going to provide the cover I need to break the next big story wide open. I keep getting kicked out when I go scuba diving to the ball pit solo, but with you two here,

we're going to change the world, kids. I have inside information that this is a chain of pizza parlors that is crawling with pedophiles. Oh, that's Daddy's little girl. And this goes all the way up to the top of the mainstream media. Oh, Justice, if you weren't at risk of catching the gay from that common refrigerator, I would hug you. And they are trying to take away our freedom or something Every time huh like I'm eight and I've already figured it out. Oh, I get it

You two think your old man is a joke, huh? well it's not gonna be so funny when I prove that this place is crawling with Democratic sex perverts and and I'll sue your mom for child endangerment and Take you to back to the Eagleplex to further your training. Dad, it's a very nice townhouse and all, but you just can't install a security system and a car elevator and then just start calling it the Eagleplex. And you can't just give me a tie for a Father's Day present and think I'll feel cared about. All right, you know I don't wear ties.

I'm too virile, Liberty. Mom says it's because you get a rash from your neck sweat. Yeah, you'd be sweating too if you knew that cunt like I did. Alright, here's 20 bucks. Go get your San Francisco witchcraft tots. I've got a family to save. Sorry, Alex. I forgot. Here's Libby's EpiPen, just

in case. How's it going, kids? We're scared. Yeah, it's pretty bad this time. God fucking damn it, Alex. Can't you ever relax and just be a real person? I'm sorry, Kelly. I can't. Sheep will need to be sheared.

Now, thanks for the EpiPen. This bad boy is loaded with adrenaline. And, sweetheart, you just made the mistake of giving a full moon to a werewolf. Oh, yeah! Pepperonius people! Skee-balls rigged! Those parachute army guys don't work as good as you think they're gonna when you get them home! Rachel Maddow was a vampire!

Now show me the toddler dungeon! I know what's in here! You're getting paid $8.25 an hour to be a scab for the devil! Be somebody and take me where the kids are getting stuffed! Come on, kids. Let's go get Fro-Yo. Mommy has to call her lawyer again all right fro yo hey mean boys and girls it's connor here and i'm here to tell you about a

very exciting new sponsor we've got in the mean boys podcast these are studio headphones uh these headphones are sexy as fuck all right they look like some shit that women that fuck rappers wear. They're sleek and fucking cool. They just look awesome. They sound great. They use the best technology. They've got headphones and earbuds. And we're offering a pretty fat discount on some of these headphones. You use the code MEANBOYS15 for a 15% off discount.

They kick the boys back a little cash. So if you're looking to upgrade your fucking sonic life, I don't know, that's not the best way to put that. If you want good headphones, go to Studiosweden.com or follow the link in the show notes. And just, if nothing

else, just look at them and feel bad you can't afford them. And then realize you can if you use our headphones or our code. But if you can't afford them, then you feel bad can if you use our headphones or our code but if you can't afford them then you feel bad and it'll just encourage you to like you know get your life together so you can own nice things just buy the headphones i think it's a meme save it save it save it the mean boys podcast is back and i just found out that tom goss quote stormed out of a steak and shake because of the movie Bronson.

So I need as much information as you can give me. He only tells the stories about how I make girls at Taco Bell cry on the road. I need to know that one. I've heard that one. Yeah. Oh, that was like a really heartwarming moment for me. I got to listen to you guys on here, and you were like appalled at my behavior and I was like, oh, I made the mean boys talk about human decency.

That's what I'm talking about. But yeah, so bitch fucked my order up and wouldn't listen to me. I like that. No remorse. Kay Rizzo doesn't play that shit. Step into it. Step into it. I was trying to buy half the menu. I was having fun. I was trying to buy half the menu. You know what I mean?

I was having fun. I was throwing money at that Taco Bell. But the Bronson story. So I got up early one morning and watched the movie Bronson because I had tried to watch it with Tom a couple nights before and ended up falling asleep. Right. It's just we were up late, you know? And not that it's not an interesting movie.

It's a great movie. But it's tom's favorite movie and i think that's just because tom has a fiery ball of rage because it's tom the movie yeah it's tom is the most like bronson i've ever met him yeah yeah just buttering himself up and fighting prison guards for no reason and i was watching it in the morning with people asleep in the house. So I watched it with the volume really low. And I didn't turn on the closed captioning or anything like that. So I kind of missed some parts to the movie. Right. Like that guy that he chokes out.

Like I thought he actually killed him. And I also didn't know why he choked him out other than the fact that he didn't like him. Like they didn't seem to become buddies right off the bat. So he kills the guy and i was like that's not cool uh you shouldn't do you shouldn't kill people and he's like do you know what that guy did and then i was like oh i didn't have i had no idea he's a horrible victimizer and terrible person and okay but what about all those guards that he keeps beating up and he's's like, they're prison guards. And I was like, yeah, they're guys who have to pay their rent. They don't want to be prison guards. I'm sure some of them wanted to paint,

but this is what the fucking deal is, mother fucker. So basically Tom is upset that you're defending all the people that Bronson punched in the face. And then like the weird capture of the art teacher thing. Oh, yeah. That's a fucking weird deal. I was a little disturbed. It's a little ranting.

I wasn't saying that I didn't enjoy the movie, that I didn't think Bronson was a badass. I wasn't saying any of that, but he loves that movie so much that he just got to a point where he's like, you don't know what it's like. Fucking prison guards are the devil. And it's also like Tom doesn't either. Tom's never been Fucking prison guards are the devil. And it's also like,

Tom doesn't either. Tom's never been to prison. Yeah, Tom had a bunch of, you know, like fucking frumpy women with like junior college degrees that tell him

to take his pills. And he's like, you don't know what it's like on the inside. Well, no, that's what it was.

He was taking it personal because he has been around people of authority. No, I get it, yeah. I get was. He was taking it personal because he has been around people of authority. No, I get it, yeah. I get that. Without his freedom? Yeah. It's concerning to me that without his butter, his fight butter,

we know he needs the fight butter. He needs his fight butter. Fight butter. I mean, it's tough to top cheese pedophiles, but fight butter. All right, we've got some questions for you guys. If you had to replace your head with that of any bug in the world, which one would it be and why? Any bug? Yeah.

I'm trying to think of a cool... Flies, I feel like I could see. I always thought praying mantis you can eat people's heads. Yeah, I thought praying mantis is always a cool basis. I was leaning towards praying mantis. Yeah, I think that's my... They got that triangle head? Yeah.

Yeah. Keith? Oh, i'm supposed to be a fucking bug yeah uh cockroach i guess that's like the worst one why people don't like them i guess that's logic if i gotta be a bug forever i don't want to have to talk to people you know i don't think it's gonna be a problem i don't think they're like oh we all want to chat up the bug man as keith turns into a problem. I don't think they're going to be like, oh, we all want to chat up the bug man. As Keith turns into a cockroach,

can't kill himself. They're too indestructible. Bomb goes off. He's like, this hell, I'm stuck in this hell. Yeah, I go praying manis. Now this big dumb redneck is a bug forever in a little place called the Twilight Zone. Rooney Waldridge asks, can I get a

shout out? No, bitch. Dave Cyrus says, have you ever had sex with someone whose beliefs you were disgusted by? Oh, fuck yeah. That's a great question. Yeah, I fucked a Scientologist. I fucked an anti-vaxxer. You fucked a Nazi? Yeah, dude. Go on. Don't say that like

I'm stupid. I used to play in bands before I was a comedian, and I love punk rock music, and punk rock has like a rift. There are like the anarchist punks, and there are the Nazi punks. Right. And sometimes Nazi punks put out, and you've got to take full advantage of that, right? So yeah, that's how I fuck it up.

You've got to try to fuck some socialists. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jerked off by a white supremacist at Knott's Berry Farm one time. So you know? I mean, white supremacists are pretty common out here in California. Well, yeah, especially down in OC where I'm from. It's all over the place, dude. What did this girl look like?

What ride was it behind? It was on the dinosaur ride. I have a bit about it in my head. Oh, okay. I didn't know. We were like 14. Nice. And then I was just, just Yeah She cranked me off

Yeah I can't She kind of looked like A fat version of the Hot girl from that movie Did you meet Chelsea? No Oh Never mind

Wait what? I thought he might have met this girl No it was not Wait what? No no no Oh yours Oh yeah yeah I dated a girl named Chelsea

I'm like she's not a Nazi I don't know She's Jewish Different Chelsea I got confused Wait there are two Keiths Who fuck two different Chelsea's That's right

But at least you got to have a long lasting And loving relationship with yours Whereas I just dumped one in this Nazi's ass That's it Oh man I thought you had Dunkirked it out in the toilet. I mean, I just dumped one in this Nazi's ass. Oh, that's crazy.

I haven't had that many. But like, I guess I got jerked off by a masseuse who was really into Hillary Clinton. Asan, you're so, like, Keith is so clearly fucked up And you're so subtly fucked up Keith's like I'll have chloroform And you're like of course And you're like yeah I have some chloroform It felt good to not feel

And we're like oh Jesus Yeah like fucking Debauchery behind some sensible frames Is just very weird I'm like this guy looks like he's in the geek squad. And he's wearing stripes. This guy should not be getting drunk on fucking Democrats. Not in an alt-right podcast.

Come on, man. Not that I'm – you guys already heard what I did yesterday. So, I mean, clearly I'm kind of into corrupting the youth. It's my thing. But I corrupt everybody that sticks around. You know, I hadn't seen my parents in over a year and we hung out for two weeks

and my mom just got acquitted of possession of over a pound of marijuana. So, like, I'm a bad influence on my own fucking parents. All right? I'm, like, short-circuiting from how much

everything you say is a thing. Well, yeah, like, he's gonna go home and he's like, oh, yep, dog smoking crack again. Got to get a new dog. All right, Jesus Medina says, I do have a question.

In all honesty, what is your favorite type of anime? And since doing Hentai Witch of the Falling, were you curious in watching or reading some more Japanese smut? And then he linked to a hentai website that got taken off by Facebook. Thank God. Yeah, the answer is no to all of that. Yeah, I like anime.

I like the very basic bitch popular anime. I like Cowboy Bebop and that's about it. I don't go deep cuts anime. I just like shit where there's a lot of cool fighting.

Yeah, I'm into the cool fighting. I like The Wall by Pink Floyd. Right there, anime. That's my favorite anime. Nope, never. I've not been a hentai guy. My friends told me,

he's like, if you like Dragon Ball Z, there's this really cool anime called Hentai you should look up. And I was like, okay. So I looked it up and I was like, ah.

Glorp. Yeah. When I was like 12. Yeah, I first came across it when I first started watching porn. And I was like, it's not for me.

Every like six months, I'll like get a wild hair up my ass. I'm like, I'm going to give this cartoon porn thing a fair shake. And I never get into it. Yeah.

Yeah, I haven't seen a cartoon porn video in years now. That's crazy. I jerked it to Velma from Scooby-Doo getting taken out. I mean, who into it. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't seen a cartoon porn video in years now. That's crazy. Yeah. I jerked it to Velma from Scooby-Doo getting. I mean, who hasn't? Yeah.

Well, that's like my weirdest. Marge from The Simpsons. That is the weirdest fetish I have is like Velma from Scooby-Doo is like my. That's fair. I mean, but I just like, can we just get like Sophie D to play her on X videos, you know, and then just call it a day? I would love that. Yeah.

Yeah. And there's a lot of that. There's Dana D. Armand is Velma. That's a good title. Oh, fun. First woman I saw naked. Nina Hartley does Hillary Clinton getting railed by like 15 black dudes. I watched the whole video because I wanted to see if she was going to talk politics with them.

They were trying to really push the agendas. Heavy predators. I was going to say pooper predators. And she just, you know, like typical Hillary, just wasn't hearing the people. Bernie would have come. Jesus Christ. We saw that one great one where Keith and I were trying to, we saw Flo, the Allstate girl, fucking the original Allstate guy. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, fucking the original State Farm guy. Flo and Mayhem, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a good time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, fucking the original State Farm guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a good time. Oh, I love Mayhem. That guy was so good in Oz. He was like the most manipulative character in all of literature, dude. He played the whole fucking piano, man. You know, in literature of the TV show Oz.

I mean, you jump off some roofs, buddy. Here's one. Any plans of having Andy Dick as a guest on the Mean Boys podcast? I hear you guys are homies. Got his phone number. I've called him several times. He has not responded. We should try and make that happen.

I should blackmail him into doing the podcast. I will bring all the booze that he wants if you have me on the Mean Boys. The degree to which I do not want to see Andy Dick drunk ever again is infinite. I mean, yeah, he did straight up try to rape Connor. Yeah. You didn't do it? No. You kiss boys.

Take one for the team. I would have done it probably just for the story. He was fucking Nazi Santa Claus, bro. I was in a relationship, guys. All right? Yeah. I'm a good person. Come on.

Everybody gets their fucking celebrity. Is Andy Dick on Not Your Five? Yeah celebrity Is Andy Dick on 9-5? Is Andy Dick not your 5, Connor? You weirdo? You don't want to fuck that old, probably agey man Well yeah, I just let him try to rape me Because I thought it would be funny To let Andy Dick try to rape me

And it was great Well Keith was like, I was going to get in the car with him And I was like, Keith, here's the thing, I'm doing this either way I know you're trying to be a good friend and stop me. Just come with me. It's going to be hilarious. I can beat him up if I have to. And you know what?

We're all fine. Yeah, I believe it. I was really bummed out. It was like a David Lynch movie. Robbie and Omid, you guys were no help at all. You high dildos. Okay? You guys were just like, yeah, what?

Pills? I'd like a pill. And I was like, well, he's trying to. He was trying to like roofie, like push one into his mouth. Like you're feeding a dog fucking anti-worm medication. Well, yeah. And it's like, well, he's trying to... He was trying to roofie, push one into his mouth, like you're feeding a dog fucking anti-worm medication. Well, yeah, and it's like... Cosby had just been up front about things.

Nobody had... Can we get sued for this? Because it is true. I have witnesses and photos and everything. Yeah, I have videos of some of this. Did you guys go to his house? The shed? Not his house. His ex's house. Yeah, but he lives in the shed in the yard, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The shed? Not his house. His ex's house. Yeah, but he lives in the shed in the yard, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, I love that shit. Ever since him and Howard Stern had a falling out, I got to see his house and everything. I was like, man, that guy's doing things. Fucking love. Anybody who's like, fuck these typical homes. Like, he was doing tiny home before other people. Oh, I guess, yeah. I posted a picture of you shirtless, and Facebook tagged it as like, is this inappropriate?

Does this violate our standards? Answer this question there. For Keith Ray, are you or are you not just Tom doing a different voice? There's a lot of different people in the world. All right. Keen insights here. Very good stuff.

I think we got a couple voicemails. I'll take that as a compliment, though. Tom Goss is a genius. I love that dude. All right, we got one left over from last week that I wanted to play because we got to shit on this guy. Hi. My good friend Brad Chad Porter is desperately in love with Leah K.

and doesn't know quite how to tell her. So this is probably that dude trying to be, cute on the podcast to do that and that's not like a nice i'm glad she wasn't here because that's awkward you know yeah don't do that like what do you think is gonna happen she's like well well i guess i'll marry your well yeah i mean i guess the guy who had to do this in some weird like big publicity stunt kind of or maybe just a guy i don't know this dude i feel bad he's probably just a garden variety creep he might be a guy that I don't know this dude. I feel bad. He's probably just a garden variety creep. He might be a guy that knows me from when I

went out to the Midwest because a lot of the guys in Oklahoma knew Leah from when she started there. Possible. Wait, so wait, who is this guy?

I don't know. Some asshole who's in love with Leah. I have his phone number. I can figure it out. Yeah, I'm not going to. All right, here's another quick one.

Don't be a creep. Hey, mean boys, it's one of your fans out on the other side of the country that never gets to come to one of your live shows. When are you guys going to come out to Gainesville? I know if you do, you've got at least four people coming to your show, which seems to be the minimum. You fucking asshole.

He got you at the end. Yeah. No, that was great. Yeah. Dude, I would love to go to Florida. I want to go to Florida. I've been thinking about that For some reason recently Oh yeah

What was the town he said? Gainesville Gainesville If we could set up a thing Where it's like If you can just pre-sale Like 20 tickets Or whatever

30 tickets at 20 bucks Like we'll just come And do the live Mean Boys there If you just pay us enough To get there and back Yeah yeah yeah Maybe go to Disney World For a day

That's all I need I want to go anywhere Here's the problem All our fans are poor gay guys That are addicted to drugs And have no money Yeah And I love you

You guys really cornered that market Yeah We gotta start fucking like Yacht Boys Yeah All right yeah Tapping to a richer I like when advertisers reach out

And it's like What's your demographic like? And I'm like Have you ever seen the show Cops? The people they arrest It's like that But on fire Keith I have a story request.

Please tell the one about the mother and daughter and the $2 bill. Oh, yeah. This one is so fucking good. I've been saving it for the end. So I could have been a dad, you know? Oh, Jesus. There's a single spotlight on Keith. He's smoking a lone cigarette.

I kind of wish I had become a dad. Because if you have a child, you can just give up. And now I have to keep going and stuff. So I don't know. I was dating this chick. Did you play lounge music behind this story? I was dating this girl named Sydney. Wait, you know what, Keith? Hold on.

I'm finding it on YouTube. Let's vamp a little bit. All right. What are you finding on YouTube? We were getting lounge music. Oh, 100%. This needs to be told with musical accompaniment. I'm excited because I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know this story.

Well, when I was in college, I lived in an apartment complex. All right, come on. It's coming up here. Right after this dominoes. Talk over this. We're not givingino's ad. Talk over this. We're not giving them free advertising. The summer of 1977.

Okay. Yeah. So when I was on... Choke up on that mic a little. When I was living on the west side of Indianapolis

2012, me and my friend Cale Forbes shared a two-bedroom apartment with a balcony. An apartment complex where you could either pay your rent with Section 8 or, as I like to think of it, pay to play. That's right. You got Indy's poorest people and then just regular run-of-the-mill college kids living in this very, very, are you allowed to say ghetto anymore?

Yeah. Ghetto apartment complex. And I liked living there because me and Kale, we had the same hobbies. You know, we'd probably drink 12 Budweiser's a piece a day, smoke a pack of cigarettes, and then call it, you know, do homework, read, listen to music. And because we smoke so heavy, we always hang out on our porch. And that made us a big deal.

Right. Because we're like, oh my God, they can afford cigarettes daily? They drink beer every day? They must be rich college kids, you know? And we were a big hit with all the black hookers in the neighborhood. Of course. And so I kind of went through this phase.

They would just knock on our door. We didn't have to solicit them. They would come and, like, you want some fucking, you know? Sometimes we didn't even want them to fuck. We just make them do dirty shit on the couch and laugh. What's dirty shit? Just real quick. Put things inside them and stuff.

What kind of things? Pizza crust? Remote controls. Fruit. Uh. Go on. So, like, after a while, that kind of lifestyle is dangerous and seedy,

and you don't want to keep it going. So I started seeing this girl that lived in the neighborhood, and because she was around all the time, all those other chicks fucked off. You know, they wouldn't come around. She was a gnarly hood chick, bro. She taught me a lot of things. She taught me how to roll a blunt, how to fuck like your kid's not in the next room, all kinds of cool shit.

Shit you need to know as an adult in this world. We were hot and heavy, man, right off the bat. She was cool. She loved Xanax and Fireball. I would bring her those little dollar shots of Fireball, and she would light up like I gave her a fucking wedding ring or something. It was like, oh, yeah, I'm going to suck your dick now. This is great.

It was really cool. And I remember we developed plans to live together, and we were going to run off together. to live together uh and like we were gonna run off together i bought a camper and everything okay and it was gonna be me and her and her daughter yendis which is sydney backwards why why why because she has no class that's fucking awful thing to do to a child but i i and i loved her little girl you know she was really great and uh and like part the hardest part of that breakup was not being able to see that little girl anymore you know because she thought of me as like her new dad because she didn't have one of those you know and i was trying to fill that role

i was i was young but i've always fancied myself to be a natural born patriarch i want to be not in any kind of political sense in the metaphysical sense i want to i want to be the leader of a family you know what i tribe yeah you're damn right and uh and like that's just my instinct as a human being and so i was i was ready to commit to this relationship right but then i found out that like she'd been letting her cousin this guy named like damon or something stay on her couch and then i found out that he wasn't her cousin and she'd been fucking him like all along like right up under my nose. And that really broke my heart. And I just kind of, you know, cut her off and everything.

But this is where it gets hard. Don't fuck your neighbors, okay? Because you're going to keep living there, you know? And I did. So I would still have to see Yendes get off the bus, coming home from school, a little kindergartner. And she'd be like, hi, Keith. How are you doing today?

And I'd be like, good. And I'd be like, how'd you do in school today? Because they would grade the children on their behavior using a color system. And when you're trying to be somebody's dad, you learn that kind of stuff. And she was like, oh, I was blue today. Or, oh, I was green today. And that meant you were like a good kid and then like orange was in the middle and then red was you were bad and then brown was

the worst kid in class they had a color for the worst kid in class like that that's brutal yeah i thought so too i didn't like that at all and she was usually kind of an orange kid you know like right in the middle and one day she came home and she was like i got blue and i was like oh that's awesome come upstairs i got something for you and because i had just eaten a happy meal because poverty you know i still had the toy and i was like oh give her the toy is a reward for behaving herself in school right and i give her that oh she hugged my waist she just loves loved me and she just lit up and she goes I'm going to go tell mom And she runs down the stairs

And goes to her house And about five minutes later I'm like jerking off Or watching TV or something Your patriarchal duties are done for the day I get a knock on the door And it's my ex-girlfriend And I open the door and she like kisses me And tells me how sweet that was for me to do that

and I'm thinking oh maybe we could reconcile you know sure she's a cheating slut bitch from hell that's already ripped my heart out once but maybe I can forgive you know maybe I can forgive uh so she's like you want to come over to the house, hang out with Mama and her other cousin? Real cousin? No, this is her real cousin. Okay. Her cousin with multiple sclerosis. Actually named Nomad. Backwards Damon.

Her cousin with multiple sclerosis. Yeah. Backwards Damon. That chick was a pill-popping freak, man. No joke. She was always taking pain dope because of her MS. She'd get all constipated. One time, Sidney made me start her butthole

like one of them ketchups from the... You know what I'm talking about? Yes, Keith, we all do. No, hang on. Explain for the audience what you're talking about. The butt ketchup. The vintage ketchup bottles. The glass.

They're called glass. That's the one. The glass ketchup bottle. So I had to get her started one time. That was funny. And I go over there, and we're like watching martin and being like just being everything that it needed to be like real family shit and we were we were having fun yeah uh and she goes i'm gonna go get ready and i was like get ready you're always in your sweats what are you talking about

yeah ready for what yeah and then she comes back and she's wearing blue jeans and uh those uh boots with the fur you know i'm talking about apple bottom jeans uh they weren't apple bottom jeans they were she had a fat ass but like these uh the the boots that come up u Uggs. Uggs. That's it. Thank you. And I was like, God damn, you look good, you know? And she goes, yeah, I'll be back in a little bit. I'll see you guys. I'm going out with so-and-so. And I was like, did she just invite me over here to dump me again? That's some bullshit.

You got tricked into babysitting. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck? I thought we were reconciling. You invited me over to let me know you're seeing other people. This some bullshit. You got tricked into babysitting. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck? I thought we were reconciling. You invited me over to let me know you're seeing other people. This is bullshit. And at the time, I was kind of into drugs. So, you know, we all go through phases.

You didn't need to narrow down a time for that, Keith. And I knew her mom, Shauna, was a crackhead. So I was like, I got ten bucks. And she was like, I'll be back in five minutes. You know? And she's like, where I said you put all the fucking Rillo. This is, not Rillo, Brillo. Where's the fucking Brillo in this motherfucker?

She's like tearing apart all the things, all the cabinets in the kitchen looking for Brillo pad. And she finds some. And then she just walks over to those, like, three-piece CD players that they used to have. Yeah. You know, and she just rips the fucking antenna right off of it.

Breaks that shit off, stuffs the Rillo in there, and now we're smoking some crack. Now, you might be wondering, where is Yendis? Well, I'll tell you where Yendis is. Yendis was put to bed at like 7.30 in the afternoon because you're just allowed to do that.

It's part of being a patriarch. You've got to make these executive decisions. And then I always wear a tie. I'm not wearing one at the moment, but you guys know me. I wear ties a lot. Yeah, you're a fancy boy. So I just took my tie off and tied it from Yindas' door to the

bathroom door so as to keep her from getting out of the room. You trapped a child with a smoking crack out of an antenna with your ex-girlfriend's mom. Yeah, with the child's grandma. This turned bad so fast!

For $10. How did you pay her? Yeah, with the child's grandma. This turned bad so fast. For $10. Yeah. So, uh... How did you pay her? Well, this is... We'll get to that in a minute. Okay. Okay. So we're getting hot and heavy,

because I don't know if you guys know this about crack, but things get sexual real fast. Wait, I'm sorry. So you're fucking the lady's mom? Well, that's the thing. I didn't start off by fucking anybody. I started off by going down on her cousin with multiple sclerosis.

Wait, this same time? Yeah. Who was just fucked up on other things. Me and the mom were the ones smoking the crack. Okay. So I'm going down on her cousin, and she had MS, but it wasn't that big of a deal. Those legs were a little wonky, but that pussy was A-okay. Fantastic.

Oh, my. Oh, shit. Oh, Fantastic. Oh, my. Holy shit. Oh, God. I'm giving her Clip Them Whisker treatments, you know what I mean? And her mom, like, or Sidney's mom, not wanting to be left out, yanks my sweatpants down and starts beating me off like a cow's udder. Just so they can get the vigil at home. Eventually, it's the only threesome I think I've ever had.

It's pretty good. It's pretty good. That was just that night. After that, we didn't really have a lot of three-way sex between me and the aunt and niece, you know. Which was the mother of my ex-girlfriend, who... I think that that's pretty much fair deuce for inviting me over to dump me again.

If you say so, champ. Anyway, I mean, I might not be the best ex-boyfriend, but I'm definitely a terrible babysitter. Holy shit, that was an odyssey, dude. Oh, it's not done. Oh my god, there's more? Look, I said Shauna's crackhead, you know, so crackheads need money. And

she would just come over to my house and I'd basically use her face as a pocket pussy. Like every chance, every time I wanted to jerk off but I had ten bucks, I was like, skipping that shit, call Shauna. Got to a point where she would just knock on the door and offer

even when I hadn't called her or anything, just seeing like, you got any liquor in here? And then she'd be like, you want... What you got? Sometimes I didn't have much you know one time I fucked

her for six bucks I mean it was four gold coins and a two dollar coin that my aunt sent me for memorial day

a memorial day present I got kooky aunts and uh I put it in a crown royal bag and threw it to her

like Indiana Jones. Yeah, that's Shauna. What did she say to you? She stole my pennies. Fucking bitch. I just remembered that. I had all these rolls of pennies there, and I didn't give her those because I'm not a heartless human being. You gotta pay

a hooker with some dollars. You can't just be like, here, I rolled up all these pennies. Suck my cock. You know how the deal works. You need them more than I do. She said something about the dollar, though, didn't she? Oh, she was always bitching about

something. Like, one time, yeah, she was blowing me and she interrupted sucking my dick to tell me that Sidney was pregnant and lost the baby. That was the one. I was looking for the one where she was just like, I just wish you and my daughter get back together. She was always trying to get us back together. She's like, I just wish Sidney would see in you what I do. And then on that note, I think that's the show, everybody.

Well, thank you so much for having us. Yeah, thank you guys for coming. Wow, holy shit, dude. You guys got anything to plug Keith? You got an album coming out, right? Yeah, it should be out before the holidays this year, Pussy Love and Friendship. I'll be promoting it all over the place,

but I was really happy if you... And Keith, we will have you back to discuss it. 100% yes. Sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're here too. Yeah you... And Keith, we will have you back to discuss it. 100%. Sure. Oh, yeah, you're here too. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. No drugs as a kid. You just follow me on

Instagram, Ahsan J. Ahmad. That's E-H-S-A-N J-A-H-M-A-D. Very nice. Yeah. I think that's it. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. We'll be right back. Make a porno. We're pretty funny. Make a kid book.

Bad investment. Why? Carnock. Tom.