Mean Boys - EP 83 - Krav McGraw (feat. Jay Whitecotton & Pat Dean)

Episode Date: October 17, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Child or Serial Killer", “ISIS”, "Hank Zepplin", and a game of "Which of the Following" with extreme metal bands by Crespo Bedelyon. Get the new Misfits t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Visit our new sponsor My Bookie for all your gambling needs! Use promo code "MEAN" when you add funds for an up to 100% price match: http://www.mybookie.ag Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Jay Whitecotton on Twitter: twitter.com/whitecotton Follow our guest Pat Dean on Twitter: twitter.com/patdean Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by DAZN. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best players, Messi, Haaland, Kane, and more are all taking part. And you can watch every match for free on DAZN, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at DAZN.com

slash FIFA. That's DAZN.com slash FIFA. Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. We're back, motherfucker. Yes, sorry this is a little bit late. We'll be making it up to you next week with two shows for the next two weeks, so you can get five a month. You're getting four episodes

in the next two weeks. We're gonna fuck you up. Yeah, we're going to threaten you with joy. Look, man, we're all pretty tired. Yeah, all two of us. I've had a pretty preposterous amount of post-road diarrhea. Yeah, Cotter has just been frowning and pooping for the past, like, 12 hours. And I'm like, I don't know how I have any more sadness and dung left in my body.

But it's truly a dark miracle. God finds a way this episode uh features jy cotton and pat dean in austin texas two so funny uh these dudes fucking awesome guys super rad they came out and recorded with us in austin and uh jumped in super fun great episode yeah i uh apologies to them for putting this out late so some of these uh plugs are gonna hear at the end are a little bit outdated. But we had a great time with those guys. Check them out on social media. This month on Patreon, we're doing the Tom Goss What Would Tom Do keychains. So we're getting those made up soon. And we'll be shipping out the buttons for last month very soon as well.

Yes. Keep your eyes peeled for those. We are sponsored, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. The finest Mexican food that money can buy. Go to eatabruto.com for more information. I don't know why I cut you off and it sounded kind of like I was condescending to you. Yeah, you're like, oh, really? Is that how you think a burrito ad goes?

I couldn't tell if you were throwing it to me to ping pong it a little bit. No, I was just going down and up. Okay. Hey, up here, and then going down to the bottom, and then coming back up with this. All right, well, go get their burritos if you're in San Diego. Didn't you miss us, everybody? Yeah, right? If you're in Oceanside, make the trek out to Don Carlos.

You will not be disappointed. It's worth driving from as far as, like, Southern Orange County. Yeah, indeed. A broad and destructive empire. Yeah, make the pilgrimage. If you're in Mexico, cross the border illegally. Go get a burrito. Then go back.

Exactly. That's what you want to risk. Or stay. I'm not saying go back. You have to go back. I'm just saying it's up to you. Okay. You don't have to move here to eat a burrito.

Yes, immigrants deserve burritos, too. I guess Mexicans are probably not. If only I could find a good burrito. There's no good Mexican food here in Mexico. Dude, I'm too tired to tiptoe around this touchy immigration riff. We're just having fun. Where's the taco monster when you need it? I don't know.

I probably am in the bowl of poop where Connor pooped. He pooped out all of his chakra. Now he doesn't have any energy. He'll be fine. It's a podcast. We're also sponsored by studio headphones yeah baby we're walking rocking the regents right now the premium on-ear model uh these things are fucking awesome they look cool as hell they sound fantastic you don't have to choose between stylish headphones and high quality

sound uh you got them both right in the fucking studio package they're fucking perfect audio everything sounds amazing and you look like a really bangable robot when you wear it. You do. You look like a rapper's girlfriend when you wear it. If they had porn in Tron World, this is what everybody in that would wear. Exactly. It says, I am a cyborg, and I am ready to plow. The sound guy in future porn wears studio headphones.

They got Bluetooth capability, so you don't need to fucking muck around with wires. Or if you're a Luddite, they got a fucking wire. It's a very nice, very flat, noodley wire. Yeah, I've never had a tangle. Not one single tangle with this motherfucker. I haven't even thought about that. That's insane, right? Fucking Sweden killing the game.

Yeah. So head over to their website. The link to that will be in the show notes. And if you want to shop, use promo code Mean Boys 15. 15% off. That adds up to a pretty hefty discount. Hell yeah, dude. Treat yourself to some fucking amazing headphones.

And Frank, actually, if you listen to the Mean Boys podcast through Studios, it's almost a good show. Yeah. If you listen to it through Studios, Tom appears in your room. Yeah, he does. He does not appear on this episode, though. Buy him. Prove us wrong.

All right. Enjoy this week's episode. Oh, wait. We have a live show. Harvell's in Long Beach. The night this comes out. Oh, shit. You're right.

October 17th. Who you got on that show, Keith? We got fucking Ed Gre wait. We have a live show. Harvell's in Long Beach. The night this comes out. Oh, shit. You're right. October 17th. Who you got on that show, Keith? We got fucking Ed Greer. We got Jeremiah Watkins. No way. We got the show, and you've seen him on the TV and whatnot. We got Nicole Buchanan, and we got Rich Slayton. Hey.

Another former guest. So, yeah. Come check that out. It's going to be super nuts. We're going to be doing Letters to God live. Yeah. Mistress Catherine is cooking up some fun new ways to hurt us. Yeah.

She's been texting me all day with a lot of things I've had to turn down and a few I've begrudgingly said yes to. How do you feel about hot spaghetti? I don't know. Not great. Can I break an egg in your pants? I'm like, sure. Sure, I guess you can. It's gotten to a point where I have to tell her, I'm not going to ask Connor if you could do things to him.

You have to ask him yourself. It's not like I have Mr. Money Pantsants where I got a bunch of different pairs of pants. I have one, one and a half pairs of functional pants. She's been asking since the first show we did together to break an egg in her pants. So I'm taking the bullet for us. All right. I'll maybe I'll put on some like some workout shorts. I don't care about it.

Some Spanx. All right. Well, anyway, I'm going to get a fucking chicken fetus on my nuts. How about you enjoy Mean Boys in Austin, Texas with Pat Dean and Jay Whitecotton. Ba-boom. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. The arc of history bends towards profits.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Pat Dean. And I'm... The coach of a Russian molestation team. You have a track jacket and a body that says, I've never run on a track. It covers up my tits. No, it doesn't.

You kind of have the figure of someone who has naturally good genes but does not take care of themselves. Oh, you have not seen my jeans. Oh. I feel like you have a good metabolism, but you're not putting any kind of high-quality synthetic oil into the body. I wore nice pants to do this podcast. You look like you're training to become Dan St. Germain. I'm also impressed that these are nice pants. Just running up the rocky stairs eating a big hot dog.

These look like pants-ass pants. These are like the pants that cartoon characters wear. Are they just like slacks? They're dockers, and it's got an elastic waist. Ooh. Very nice. I'm taking care of myself. Not physically, but...

For the fat guy, the elastic waist is like the equivalent of the condom in the wallet. Just like, let's see where this night takes me. I don't know if we're making any stops at Whataburger. It's a size 36 to 40. Gotcha. You guys like how I threw in that Whataburger local reference to really heat up the room? Do a little podcast pandering for you. I love the 36-40 because you can be like, I wear a 36 and nobody can say you're alive.

36 with an asterisk. Like Barry Bonds. Exactly. Well, thank you guys for coming to do the show, man. We appreciate it. We're out here in Austin. Somebody's kitchen. I only really have a vague idea of whose.

Yeah, we're staying in a house that's entirely too nice for us. And I had to tell this poor woman, like, by the way, we're going to do a podcast. Can we bring Strange Man into your home? It's like a radio show no one listens to. Yeah, and she's like, fucking, I guess, so steal whatever you want, guys. Is this an Airbnb? No, it's a friend's friend. Okay, because they just

left the dog here with you guys? Like, that's not a big deal? Yeah, they were just like, alright, don't kill it, I guess. Our podcast isn't that gnarly, alright? No, the dog is hiding under a table. It hasn't come out. It was abused. Not by us. Yeah, it was abused, so I was like, it's either going to be like a mean dog or a scared dog.

Thankfully, it's a scared dog. Yeah, which is a low-maintenance dog. I love a scared dog. They straight up hit that dog until it was a cat.

It fucking rules. All right. Well, I was going to thank them by name. I don't think we will now. No, they didn't hit the dog. They just fucking... They called...

It has a first and middle name, and it is addressed by both whenever it's fed really expensive cheese, Babybel, nicer cheese than I can put into my own body. It's not scared, it's just kind of a spoiled bitch. You can trust a house that would fall if all the carpet ripped out of it.

It's a good look. They didn't treat the floors, they just took out the carpet. It looks kind of sleek. It looks like treat the floors. They just took out the carpet. It looks kind of sick, though. It looks kind of sleek and fucking... It looks like an aesthetic choice. Yeah. No carpet and a frightened dog. Welcome to my childhood, everybody. You guys are getting some great exposure on Los Angeles' top graphic design podcast,

or top interior decorating podcast. Welcome to fucking the hate GTV. I can't wait for them to listen to this and then message you and be like, what the fuck, dude? We always spend the first ten minutes describing a thing no one will ever see and getting yelled at by people who are involved. It's really the only way to do an audio medium. You have to

set the scene. And there's no way the lady who owns this house is going to listen because we were like, we're doing a podcast and I've never seen someone's eyes glaze over so hard. It's so embarrassing to say, right? Yeah, it's just like, oh, so it's like you suck. You're talking into a tin can towards other virgins. So you just have your friends over.

Yeah, pretty much. And headliners who owe you favor. Yeah, 100%. Thanks, Steve Ranazzisi. Yeah, right? He doesn't even really owe us anything. We owe him more now, if anything. He's just a nice man.

We did a Steve Ranazzisi episode on 9-11. Did he do it or did he say he did it? There it is. That dude smoked us all out last time he was in town. I don't give a shit what he lied about. You can lie. I don't care if he did 9-11. He's a super friendly dude. Yeah, he's a really sweet fellow. Well, he kind of has to be now, right?

That's a good point. He could never be a dick again. No, he's done. Just like watching all the news headlines like, well, yes, I'm tipping 40% until I die. Well, he's getting tagged every tragedy. He's getting tagged in it as if he was a part of it. Oh, absolutely. Excuse me, do you know who I am? Yeah, you're the fucking

guy who lied about being in 9-11. It's just like day-to-day life has to be hard. He's getting pulled over and the cops look at his ID and he's like, 185 pounds, huh, Steve? Sure the other 50 aren't in and he's like, 185 pounds, huh, Steve? Sure the other 50 aren't in Tower 7? Alright, guys. I think we're all fired up with this decorating

and Steve Ranzisi talk. Let's get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. Hell yeah. Alright, now the guests have confided in me that they are a little apprehensive about the quality of their jokes, so I'm going to put you guys at ease by opening with a really shitty one.

Hell yeah. New reports show that ISIS is using slaves to recruit rapists. Not to be out-eviled, the devil announced that he is using pedophiles to recruit murderers. Wait, what are they recruiting rapists for? I guess, like, they just, like, when they get rapists, like, when they give them the, like, brochure, I guess, of all the ISIS program benefits they're more into it I just didn't know that was a job at ISIS I didn't know ISIS was a college football team

the fight in ISIS it's the same recruiting Jay should join ISIS apparently yeah Muhammad Al Paterno from what I understand they're just like hey everyone's giving you shit about being a rapist over here but join ISIS. You can rape all you want.

You just got to die for a while. So it's like a superhero movie where they find a guy who's like a bank robber and be like, you know, we could use a man like you on The Avengers. Exactly. He's Danny Trejo's character in Pickle Rick. How could they judge them, though? You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, hey, you shouldn't do that.

You're a rapist. You're fucking ISIS. Oh. Well, yeah, they're hiring. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they're like, all right, well. Yeah. The enemy of my enemy You're a rapist. You're fucking ISIS. Yeah, they're hiring. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they're like, all right, well, the enemy of my enemy is also a rapist. Equal opportunity employer. They got standards they got to keep up with.

Yeah, I mean it's a narrow skill set. It's just nice to see career opportunities. Dude, how great would HR and ISIS be? What disputes are being mediated? Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, I'll go next. If one more person takes my lunch, I'm going to kill somebody. Yeah, yeah, we know.

You'll blow up the building. All right, give it a rest, Cheryl. There's a Cheryl at Isis. There's always a Cheryl. A controversial new video game allows players to step into the role of a slave attempting to escape a plantation. If players beat the final boss, they receive 40 acres and a Yoshi. By the way, he's going to be selling There's Always a Cheryl t-shirts after the podcast.

Doesn't that seem like a punchline to a big bit, like some road comic would have about working in an office? Like, and let me tell you, there's always a Cheryl. 70-year-old women lose their minds. Audience is pointing at literally Cheryl. You're such a Cheryl. 70-year-old women lose their minds. Audience is pointing at literally Cheryl. You're such a Cheryl. It's the Cheryl. We brought the Cheryl.

We're part of the show now. Oh, no. God. I hate middle-aged people just trying to have a good time. It's my least favorite demographic. They have no idea how to do it. No, they're so bad at fun. When we used to do shows, because we're from Orange County more or less, we started comedy out there.

We used to do shows at the improv. We'd always call those people souvenir glass people because they're from Orange County more or less. We started comedy out there. We used to do shows at the improv site. We'd always call those people souvenir glass people because they'd walk out just fucking tickled. So we'd be talking to each other like, how's the crowd look? You know, when we first started. Bunch of SGPs. We're very pretentious. Yeah, we're huge dicks.

Yeah, but our stupid haircuts. Now you're pretentious about shitty people, so it's all right. Yeah. Oh, this guy gets it. You've also read The Fountainhead. Shit, we're huge dicks. Yeah, but our stupid haircuts. Well, now your pretension is about shitty people, so it's all right. Yeah. Oh, this guy gets it. You've also read The Fountainhead. Shit, we are at Austin. I haven't read The Fountainhead, by the way, because I'm afraid I'll love it. Oh, no, you will. It's very cleverly disguised propaganda.

Oh, fuck yeah. That's my whole shit. You guys heard about this Donald Trump character? Can you fill me in? I'm not familiar. Well, evidently, he was a reality TV star. Now he's the president.

Of America? What? No way. Get right at it. All right, I'm done with this bit. Go ahead. Evidently, Donald Trump has plans to ban

more visitors from Muslim countries. Crazy, right? When reached for comment, President Obama said, oh, doesn't bother me. I hate it when my relatives visit. I love that you said President Obama to dictate when that was written.

That was so long ago. Yeah. Oh, that Obama. Remember that? I was going to be like, not insert other title here, Obama. And then I was like, it's fine. That joke doesn't need to take place. Jay, you're up.

In response to reports that a Jew is bad in Hollywood, both feminists and white supremacists have come together to say, that's what we've been telling you for years. The best setup to a Mexican joke in a long time. A Jew is bad. I was worried you were going to stop there. Yeah, you really reeled me in. I was like, let's see where he's going with

it. I was trying to find a way to say Harvey Weinstein as Jewishly as possible. Harvey Weinstein! If you say that three times in a mirror, your mom calls and asks why you're not a doctor yet. I would love to see my mother. So would Harvey.

I don't know why we're all talking like chain-smoking agents in the video. Yeah, so would Harvey. I'll tell you right now. That's not even what Harvey Weinstein sounds like. I saw him down at a fucking mill's diner at night. He was putting out cigarettes on clitorises. Did you see that he jerked off into a potted plant? What?

Yeah, yeah. He cornered a lady at a restaurant or something. He was just like, watch. And then he jerked off into a ficus. Power move, public restaurant. Yeah. Jerk off in a potted plant. Was it a fake plant?

Could they be like, okay, well, we can just wipe the leaves off. I know the idea of some housekeeper just like, spray bleach on that ficus. All right, this is the seed of corruption. All right. A large group of neo-Nazis showed up to a pro-Spain rally in Barcelona. They menaced the crowd with chants of blood and foil. It's just like, you can't sound intimidating as a Spanish mob. I don't care.

It was all bullfighters that are jacked to shit. You know, you're like, oh, the juth. The fogmacy. You can't take a protest serious when they're taking a siesta in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah. They're a Nazi. God, Spain's got to be confusing for Nazis because they're like, they're white, when they're taking a siesta in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah. It's not that hard. They're a Nazi. God, Spain's got to be confusing for Nazis because they're white, but they're like Mexicans, so we're confused. I've been to a Spanish protest.

They're just complaining about the quality. First of all, why am I not surprised by that statement? I'm like, oh, of course. That's awesome. I don't know what about. It was in Barcelona, and there was this this – like the big crowded tourist area. There was a whole bunch of kids just parading outside a church yelling about some shit, and I just started pretending like I knew what the fuck they were doing. I have no idea what I was protesting.

Cut to Austin Comedian supports female circumcision. Yeah, right? You're like, I'm all for civic involvement. I'll chant. What are we doing? Olé, olé, olé. No clits, all tits. Don't know how I didn't see that one coming.

All right. Let's see this one. A Pennsylvania fireman was fired for calling Steelers coach Mike Tomlin a, quote, no good N-word. He has since apologized, saying, quote, I was way out of line. Mike's one of the good ones. Not last season. Not last season. One of his nicknames in high school. One of the good ones, Mike.

Let's hang out with that guy. But let me tell you something. This Donald Trump guy, he's been in the news. You guys hear about the newest scandal? Which one? About Donald Trump Apparently someone who works for him Is an illegal immigrant

Isn't that crazy? Yeah, turns out his hairpiece was made in China All we need is Paul Schaefer with a keyboard sting right now Get the fuck away from me He leaned in Yeah, for those of you guys He moved disturbingly close to me Yeah So, that's awesome He leaned in. Yeah, for those of you guys, he moved disturbingly close to me.

So that's awesome. It's a delivery choice. Is the audio working? Mine just went out in one ear. Oh, yeah. It looks like it's reading on the computer okay. It's fine. I'll figure it out.

All right. Jay, you're up. All right. The Nevada State Medical Examiner has released a timeline detailing that the Las Vegas shooter would have been taken down a lot earlier, but the SOB had his Do Not Disturb sign on the door. It actually said SOB. That guy, look, I don't want to curse. That guy who murdered a bunch of people. We don't SOB. I like a maid standing outside reviewing her Krav Maga fucking interrupted shooting training that probably all hotel maids are going to have to go through, like airline stewardesses.

And she's just like, well, a policy is a policy. I could get written up for this. I like that you said Krav Maga. Just because that sounds like a cartoon horse that's also in the Israeli military. I've been getting mushed out today. I apologize. It's all good. Moving on.

Sonic restaurants have announced that diners may have had their credit card information stolen in a recent breach. This puts at risk thousands of bank accounts of 18-year-olds who don't know how to take a girl on a good date yet. That's like every time I go there, they're just like, so, you're done with your jalapeno poppers. Wanna kiss? That is where idiots in bad places learn how to fuck.

Yeah, truly. Where is this one? There it is. We talked about him earlier. Many celebrities have come forward with allegations

of sexual abuse from producer Harvey Weinstein, including Gwyneth Paltrow. She said the sight of his naked body inspired the name of her popular website, Goop. Motherfucker's

a straight-up people puddle. She's a big, chewy amoeba. I like that he tried to molest her and yet she still had to thank him for her Oscar. That's the worst part. That's the shittiest thing. Well, he fucking came through.

If I want another one of these, I guess I'm naming my kid Apple. Yeah, and I think... Isn't that like a weird Rumpelstiltskin type arrangement where you've got to name your kid something stupid if you've got the seed of Harvey within you? God, the seed of Harvey. That was the worst something something ever. I feel like I know where we're going with this one. I'm just doing the outline of the shitty punchlines and I'm letting the listeners

color them in themselves. It's comedy jazz. Yeah. Boy, but breaking news, whenever it feels like breaking. Why did Donald Trump cross the road? I don't know. Why did he cross the road? He had a country to ruin and there's something.

Enjoy your 5,000 retweets. Attention, Trump is bad. You know what? Motherfucker's orange. Now I'm famous. Austin doesn't deserve to be weird anymore. You guys should lose that privilege. We sent that to Portland, too.

Newsweek is reporting at least 21 dead and millions of dollars in damage due to raging wildfires throughout California's wine country. Meanwhile, Wine Aficionado Monthly is reporting burning with a hint of woodsy undertones and a distinct blackberry aftertaste pairs well with FEMA. Wow, that was a very fucking well-cultured arson joke. I'm impressed. A lot of people died to make this

happen. They really did. I mean, I think we all agree it was worth it because it was a pretty alright joke. Yeah.

Exactly. A new study shows that psychopaths like listening to hip-hop and non-classical music. Fans of classical music say they are relieved and hope they can finally be seen

for what they truly are, fucking nerds. You guys, that was the... You put the bad one in the four spot. You try to close strong. That was truth for me. That wasn't a joke. That was fuck them. Yeah, okay. A pair of Russian cannibals used a dating app to lure over 30 victims to be killed,

butchered, and eaten. I've heard of Grindr, but this is ridiculous. Where are you getting your news from? Shout out to the subreddit Morbid Reality. 100% yes. It's just a lot of just like, a child was found in an acid volcano

earlier this week. I'm getting bullshit from MSN. Oh, bro, you gotta get on Reddit and just stop believing in God. No one has ever said that. No one has ever said that. You're like, because they got one where they're like,

oh, do I want sexy news or creepy news? What is sexy news? It probably doesn't exist. Breaking news, butt stock is up. This just in, I just got my dick sucked.

Sexy news, Harvey Weinstein declared hero. I feel like if there was... Harvey Weinstein, declared hero. I feel like if there was an objectification stock market, butts would be fucking booming right now. That shit would have been like IBM in the 80s at the moment. According to multiple sources, Weinstein, quote, shoots mad ropes. Yeah, ropes. I haven't heard people talk about jizz like that since I was a kid, I don't think.

The funniest thing to call it is ropes. Ropes is amazing. Yeah, my friend would always say, shoot sick rope. Oh, God. John Hartnett. Shout out to him. It just makes me think about Spider-Man. All that it does.

Flip. Anyway. Yeah, they call that dick thwips. Let me ask you next time. Dick thwips sounds like he sells used cars. Hey there, dick thwips. Let me ask you that. Dick Thwips sounds like he sells used cars. Hey there, Dick Thwips. Nice to meet you. Now what can I do to put you in this Chevy Cobalt today?

Put my dick away? No deal. Dick Thwips here, literally coming all over savings. Blowing a load into a pile of like $4 bills. He's literally coming on his cars. Why don't we go there? We have a thing we want to do where we want a bunch of male porn stars to go see who can come the farthest.

As part of the sexual Olympics, you know, where we get like a very serious measuring system with like the low, high speed cameras and shit and like the very metered out tissue paper and it's like, well, you got to splotch all the way at four and a half feet. Jesus, that's hilarious. Do they all eat the same things? How does this work? No, it's like, well, you've got to splotch all the way at four and a half feet.

Do they all eat the same things? How does this work? No, you can prepare however. Whatever you can do to fucking tip the scales. What do you eat to come farther? Oh, no, that's a legit thing. Is it? You've got to need an eagle's heart. But asparagus also... It affects velocity? Well, no. There's a lot more that goes into that.

Oh, so this is the sports team you're coaching. I feel like you want a high viscosity because then it comes lighter and it goes farther. But also maybe density gives it more momentum. So I really don't know. There's probably a lot of fucking arithmetic to be done with the GZ Olympics. Plus you can't masturbate for like three days beforehand.

Oh, you're probably going to... Well, yeah, you've got to charge the load. When I get like a three-day load going, sometimes when I fucking clear it out, it kind of hurts. Like the first one is with Keith, the maintenance load where I'm just like, all right, I'm just fucking lubricating the pipes. I'm just like, gah, like I'm so young. When I know it's been a few days, sometimes I almost don't want to jerk off because I just know how much there's going to be. When you finally do, yeah. Is it worth it?

I'm going on – Is it worth the squeeze, literally? I'm going on 11 days right now, and I'm afraid. 11 days? I'm afraid for him. Yeah, that's not sweat coming off Keith's face. His body is just – Yeah, man.

Coming through his pores. No, I'm trying to see if I can get through the whole month of October. Well, and Keith's a very horny man. Indeed. So I've got gotta figure your nuts look like Lucy with the chocolates right now. Like, wait,

I don't know where we're putting this shit. They just look like Bane from Batman right after he hits that button that gives him the poison and turns him into a bitch. Just new veins,

a fist inexplicably. My dick is just taking control of a South American government. All right, what's Trump doing? I'm glad you brought him up because I actually have a South American government. All right, what's Trump doing? I'm glad you brought him up because I actually have a joke about him. Let me ask you guys something.

Please don't. How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many? Well, two. One to screw the bulb and the other two morally bankrupt this country. You couldn't have even gone with screw the country.

I realized twice in a row, I was like, oh, I said the same thing. What can you do? What can you do? So you are Twitter. Right. Every day is the same tweet. They call me Mr. Twitter. Ask me.

Ask me anyone. That's between Big Salty and the Deuce or whatever I was calling you earlier. The Deuce. 140 characters. We'll go back to Salty and The Deuce, or whatever I was calling you earlier. The Deuce. 140 characters. Welcome back to Salty and The Deuce. Austin's number one morning team. Today, our freeways are confusing as fuck. 96.7 WGISFN.

You see Big Salty in the morning. Phrase that pays. Coming up. It's Jizz. By the way, just so everyone knows, the proceeds from our Patreon are all going towards purchasing the domain jizz.biz which is like 1700 dollars and i was i was like i thought of that and i was like if no one's beating me to this i am about to be a billionaire jizz is our business I didn't know there was a jingle, man. Yeah, fucking of course there is.

I'm going to put Xvideos right out of business. What's catchy here? Xvideos.com or jizz.biz. I mean, jizz.biz. Yeah, I can see that on a fucking billboard. Yeah. You can sell jizz, too? I don't know.

I don't have a business model. No, I want it to be the most boring website you can possibly go to. Oh, just an acronym like jazz and zebra zoos. That is where we play jazz for African wildlife to calm them down at night. I don't understand where all these sexual emails are coming from. I'm just a guy who loves musical therapy. We can't even pass this on to the zebras. They don't understand these words.

There's one guy that actually fetishizes this that loves this, but everyone else is very upset. Yeah, it's only a fad to that. I don't know if you guys – Taco Bell has released their own fashion line with Forever 21. Because based on a steady diet of Taco Bell, that's how long you'll have to live. God, that's stupid. Not the joke. No, no, the joke is true. But it's also –

Didn't KFC have a – some fast food chain had a perfume recently, and I just remember being like, goddammit, late-stage capitalism. It's the minor version of what my parents used to use Marlboro Miles for. Oh, shit. Oh, God. I never thought that makes so much sense. Did you have like the Marlboro Jack? Yeah, you had the windbreaker and the visor, and you're just like, this is how I'm killing myself. Yeah, so you can be the Dale Gribble of Taco Bell.

All right. I'm going to purge this burp before I do this joke. Madagascar is experiencing an outbreak of Black Plague. One sassy zebra commented, you're damn right we are. Let's party. Kick it. There was a lot of different places you could have gone It's Chris Rock from Madagascar

And he's just like I respect the restraint That was a very wholesome If only We all got a little worried We're not recording The real joke He made up a new N-word.

I didn't know you could do that. I'm ashamed to say I didn't have anything more terrible than that. I was just like, that'll be fun. What the fuck has gotten into me? All my jokes used to be about dead kids. I'm doing zebra material. A Hong Kong man was arrested for forcing an elderly man to drink a can of soda at knife point. In a statement, the victim said, quote,

Me Chinese, this no joke, he kill me unless I drink that Coke. That's like the eighth me Chinese parody joke punchline we've had. I don't know why it's my favorite reference. Nearly two-year history, but yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, all right. So today it was revealed that Donald Trump... Leave this house. He's the president.

President Donald Trump announced that he wanted to add more to the American nuclear stockpile. In a related story – I don't have a fifth joke. Sorry. I appreciate your honesty. Yeah, your candor is worthy of something. I'm pretty candor. Oh, man. I got two different directions I can go with this.

The Washington Post is reporting that the Boy Scouts are breaking precedent and allowing girls to join their organization. In a statement released by my dad drunk on Twitter, what the hell? All right, that's pretty good. What was the other direction? Washington Post is reporting that the Boy Scouts are breaking precedent and allowing girls to join their organization. The J. White Cotton Monthly is reporting, that would have made my molestation way less gay.

Both very solid. I have my own monthly. I like the direction. You haven't plugged it. Come on, tell the listeners they want to subscribe. That's at the end. That's at the end. Yeah.

Well, that was pretty good. We all kind of fizzled out at the end, and we shoulder the burden for that collectively. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back after some bullshit. America and the West are abominations, cancers on the earth. And in the name of Allah, we will remove them and pay it in the blood of the non-believers. If our words do not frighten you, perhaps our actions will. You have all seen the video of Stephen Paddock slaughtering the wicked in Las Vegas. We can now announce that the shooting was orchestrated and executed by ISIS.

Paddock converted to Islam and was trained to be a soldier of the Caliphate and given the new name Abu Abd al-Barrar al-Amriqi Rafiki Abdul Jabbar, shortly before he opened fire on the crusaders in the name of Allah. But our great works do not end there. You may have heard stories of the Hollywood idolater Harvey Weinstein making a fool of himself and sexually assaulting young exorcists. We can now confirm that Harvey Weinstein was in fact a soldier of the caliphate as well, known as Ahmed al-Habadashr al-Kalamazoo, an ISIS freedom fighter cleverly hidden in deep cover for several decades. He was never detected, as he was carefully concealed in a state-of-the-art fat Jew costume, so that he could move freely within the snake pit you call Hollywood. His reign of terror was vast and gross.

Really, really gross. Many of your media outlets say we are not responsible for these crimes. But to that we say, fucking, yeah, huh, R2, you don't know. We super duper did that shit and you should be like, so scared of us. We're serious, dude. Everything you do not like, ISIS did all of it. We did Nazis and Antifa. Why?

Because fuck you, we're ISIS. That's why. We did all the shootings and the bombings, and one time we snuck into your room and we touched your wiener while you were asleep. The following is a partial list of evil acts ISIS is definitely, totally responsible for. AIDS.

Sandy Hook. Taylor Swift's new album being not that good. That guy who ate that dude's face in Florida a few years ago. Your sister getting tit cancer. People who spoil Game of Thrones. Overdraft fees. Everyone who's ever cut you off in traffic. I don't know.

Fucking Charles Manson, I guess. Sure, why not? He's one of ours. He's Mustafa Al-Muhammad Al-Jingelheimer Schmidt. I don't know not he's one of ours he's a Mustafa al-muhammad al-jingleheimer Schmidt I don't know it's off the top of my head we'll come up with something better later that's right everybody fuck what

you heard ISIS is still killing the game we're definitely not running out of money and losing our grip as the leading name in global terrorism ISIS boom okay cut did it did it sound scary like I want cut. Did it sound scary? Like I want it to sound scary. Fuck. Fuck, I hope they buy it.

And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Just a lot of sad bodies creaking. I was pretty hurt that you didn't want to do that burp on mic. I wanted to capture that for the soundboard. That was respect. Yeah, I guess we'd have to. I'm not trying too hard here. Yeah, no.

I want to be that guy. Here's my gases. That dog is still hiding. Here's my gases. Yeah, everyone just comes on podcasts to promote their podcast and just flaunt their gases. We're playing an all-new game from one of our favorite listeners, Joel Dent, at Death to the Filth. He writes, hey gang, I have brand-new game for you to try. Rules are the same as porn, comedy, or Yelp review, but in this case, it's a slightly different set of subjects.

So without further ado, here's the game, Child or Serial Killer. The name of the game is the rules of the game. Is this quote from a child or a serial killer? Exciting because I hate children, but God, do I love serial killers. Yeah, you know a lot about serial killers. You guys serial killer people? I've killed some children in my day.

We went to, while we were here, we went to the Lyndon Johnson library or whatever. And that's, Connor loves presidential trivia. I'm not going to be all about 20th century civics.

Yeah, and I'm being like a good... God, your interests are so different. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love presidential history and you love serial killers.

Well, yeah, because I'm being a good sport and I'm like, all right, well, this isn't really my thing, but Connor's having a good time. And I'm like, I'm reading everything. I'm just being the worst. Yeah, and then somebody's like, you know, across the way is that gun tower where that guy a good sport, and I'm like, all right, well, this isn't really my thing, but Connor's having a good time. And I'm like, I'm reading everything.

I'm just being the worst. Yeah, and then somebody's like, you know, across the way is that gun tower where that guy killed all those people. I'm like, oh, it's the tower. I got so excited. Yeah, and I'm like, this is the – Charles Wayne. Yeah, I think so, yeah. He started jerking off to a potted plant nearby.

This is the pity you have to sign the Clean Air Act, and you're like, the guy died right there on the bench. It was awesome. Wouldn't that guy be a spree killer? Yes, technically he's a spree killer. Can you tell me the difference between them? This is like when a husband starts to learn his wife's hard work. That's called a cross stitch, right? A spree killer is when they kill a bunch of people at once, and it's just like a one incident, whereas a serial killer is multiple incidents.

Yeah, he gets it all out of the way. Yeah, exactly. Spree killers are the procrastinators of the mass murdering community. It's like spring cleaning. he gets it all out of the way. Yeah, exactly. Spree killers, the procrastinators of the mass murdering community. It's like spring cleaning. You get it all done. Yeah, they're just

prepping early. They're like, I'm done and now I can just kick back and wait to get killed by the police. Yeah, no one's ever a spree killer

and then gets away with it. Yeah, I killed 90 people at a mall and now I just work at a different mall. Now I can just relax and get killed by a bully from high school. By a guy that used to call me gay. And that's how we got into this pickle.

The fucking circle of life continues. Okay, so. Okay, sorry. Guys, I just had a fucking serious lapse in broadcasting professionalism, which is a child. Writing means Jay on. Yeah, good point. No, you guys are great. Child or serial killer.

Number one, when you die, I'm going to eat you. Interesting. Yeah, that's a child. This sounds like a creepy girlfriend I had. Yeah, I think it's a child because I think he's starting off with like a real obvious switcheroo. Also, a serial killer would just kill you and eat you. Yeah, and if a serial killer said,

you're going to die and then I'm going to eat you, who told somebody that? Yeah, somebody had to escape. Unless the killer said he said that. Oh, yeah. That's a lame line. Maybe he recorded it. Maybe he videotaped it so he could jerk off to it later. I feel like serial killers don't do that that much. Well, they love to talk, though.

They do. They're real chatty. I can see them after he's caught being like, yeah, I said to the bitch, I'll fucking eat you after I kill you. Yeah, that's some Bundy shit. That's almost the second big part. Obviously, you're in it for the killing. But yeah, I mean, you got to be like, man,

when I do my jailhouse interview with Anderson Cooper in 10 years, I'm going to do this and this. They plan it the way we plan a Conan set. They just know exactly how it's going to be. I can't wait. When I'm on Marin, I'm going to tell the story. No, but that feels like a kid saying the darndest things. Yeah, yeah.

Right. All right, so guess. Is everyone going kid quote? Yeah, I'm going kid. All right, I'll say – if everyone's going kid, I'll say serial killer. I'm going to say it's a kid who grew up – Way to buck the trend, Pat. I like thinking outside the box. I like the game theory that's going into this. I'll say serial killer. I was going to say it's a kid who grew up. Way to buck the trend, Pat. I like thinking outside the box.

I like the game theory that's going into this. I'm never near any box. I feel like you're near a jack-in-the-box quite a bit. Well, good news, he's wrong. That is a four-year-old child. I know my kids. Hang on. Why does this man just have unidentified quotes from vague children?

I got to figure they're his kids, because I know he's a dad. Okay, but he's only got a couple. I love that you're saying it. We're like, well, how would we know the serial killers said that? How the fuck does this fuck know what the kids said?

Yeah, well, look, I didn't put the microphones in the bathroom to not hear what the kids were saying. Well, I mean, he's an involved father. Keith, pull the mic back a little bit. All right, number two. Child or serial killer. I died, and now I'm stuck here.

Jeez. That's upsetting. That's not great either way. That's a serial killer. Yeah, okay. That's like a 40-year-old guy. Yeah. Downtrodden.

Yeah, who's like has found Hare Krishna but knows he's – Yeah, he's a self-made god. Yeah. Yeah. I died and now I'm stuck here. Yeah, serial killer. Okay. Keith Carey.

I'm going to say killer, serial killer. Okay. Keith Carey. I'm going to say killer as well. All right. That is a two and a half year old child. Fuck you. That kid's a serial killer. I'd love to know the circumstances. I feel like she just fell behind the couch. Because that's how I would react.

It's the same kid. It's all just one real morbid-ass child. Yeah, yeah. That was one kid. You hear about that eight-year-old kid that killed himself? He's just like, yeah, it's just really sad. Figured out how to do it. Then they made fun of him on a podcast.

I didn't make fun. Well, just like as soon as he... We're going to. Oh, we'll get there. As soon as he figured out that that was a thing you could do, he was like, oh, yeah, I'm doing that. You can do that? Yeah. Neato. Yeah, it was one of these things where he was like, mommy doesn't, I'll do that. You can do that? Yeah. Neato.

Yeah, it's one of these things where he's like, mommy doesn't have as much money as she wants? I thought she was rich. Number three. Before you say the third one, can we all kind of agree that this is probably going to be a serial killer just based on numbers alone? Probably, yeah.

Yeah, probably, but you never know. Joel, the guy who sent this in has been listening for a long time, so he knows how to fuck with us. So he could actually be a kid. Yeah, he always sends in a well-structured game. By the way, if you want to send your games, MeanBoysPodcast.gmail.com. And have the correct number of questions so I don't have to make one up. You fools.

Yeah, okay. You fucking assholes. While you write my own podcast for me. You son of a bitch. Number three, just kidding. Love you guys. I want to see what it's like to kill grandma. Is that a child or a serial killer?

Ah, shit. Oh, man. That's me. A bad grandma relationship? Oh, no. She was great. She had to go. Too much positive energy.

I'm trying to build something here, grand grandma. Come on. Kid. You're really bad for my bad boy aesthetic. I've been curating. I think it's got to be a zero. Say it again, but like sultry. Oh, like in a Macy Gray kind of way?

That's your grandma talk. Macy Gray sultry? Wait, what? You fucking weirdo? Wait, what does sultry mean? He said sultry, and the first thing you thought of was Macy Gray. What did you think sultry meant? I just thought kind of like sexy.

No, Macy Gray sounds like the hamster dance. She sounds like Black Ned Flanders. She's got kind of a smoky voice. Dread Flanders? I feel like I remember a Rolling Stones review. I'm trying to hang out. It's not something I'm doing. And I'm so sultry, fuck you guys.

Wait, what does sultry mean? Have I been just using it wrong? I think you're just using Macy Gray wrong. It's the problem. It just kind of means kind of like sexy. You know the definition. I want to know what it's like to kill grandma. I feel like we just learned a lot about you.

Guys, if I may, I need to get into character. I've had my fucking world rocked. Come on, Hollywood. I want to see what it's like to kill grandma. Not super sultry? I want to see what it's like to kill grandma. Not super soldiery. I want to see what it's like to kill grandma. That I like. All right, we're going to take three.

We found the gold. Yeah, Jay is my new VO agent. Just stick to your wheelhouse, man. All right? It's kids and a pretty good Rick from Rick and Morty. It has to be a kid. What adult says grandma? I say grandma. Yeah, what? What do you call them? I said. What adult says grandma? I say grandma.

Yeah, what? What do you call them? I said, what adult says grandma? Yeah, but you're like, hello, grandmother. Like, what? Yeah. Yeah, but a serial killer, that's not... I think it's a serial killer, and I think I know which one it might be.

Okay. So you said kid. You're saying kid. Okay, which serial killer do you think it would be? I think it might be Ed Gein. No, because when he was caught, he was like a really old dude. Yeah, but it seems like something you might have said younger, though. I had a friend who was –

Because he had weird mom issues and his whole family was – wait, you had a – what? Yeah, back when he was like on SST and it was kind of – Shut up. I need to know this. Oh, yeah, yeah. My friend Brenda, she was like – when I first got into comedy, she was like the wife of this dude named Edmund. And she would just open up drunkenly about these stories about growing up where Ed Gein lived. That was her neighbor.

Holy shit. And the parents would just go on dates, and Ed Gein would come over and babysat her. That's fucking gnarly, dude. The last thing she said about it was like whenever she thinks about all the killing, she was like, why not me? That's – if anything's going to make you feel unattractive. Yeah. It's going to make you feel like a real Macy Gray, I tell you. Keith's step-grandma was in the Manson family.

And when my mom found this out, she told us that we had someone in our family that was in the Manson family. Shut the fuck up. Either a family member or a family friend. I forget the relation. How is that one of the only things that our lives overlap? You're Manson family related? Yeah. Yeah.

We're Manson cousins. You're step-Manson family. Well, we have an episode title're the step-Manson family. Well, we have an episode title. The step-Manson family. Of that PBS show, Know Your Roots or whatever. I open up the book and I'm like, Uncle Charlie.

Ancestryhorror.com You're that Charles Manson. They should make an Ancestry.com for teenagers where it's just like, okay, yeah, you love crafts, you're cousin or some shit.

Enjoy your poetry. You know, for kids that want to be cool. Or some shit. All right. That is a serial killer, and that was Edmund Kemper.

Oh, okay. I don't know. Oh, Kempy. Who's that? Ed Kemper. I've heard of Ed Kemper, but I don't really know much about

him. I know they did a last podcast about him. He was that murderer guy. Yeah, he's that murderer guy. Killed a've heard of Ed Kemper, but I don't really know much about him. I know they did a last podcast about him. Oh, he was that murderer guy. Yeah, he's that murderer guy. Killed a bunch of fellas and or ladies. Real bad dude. Yeah.

And his grandma. All right, guys. Moving on. I didn't get my SpaghettiOs. I got spaghetti. Is that a kid or a serial killer? I think this is a killer who's in jail. I think it's a sad, fat dude who tried to kill people.

Look, I'm right here. I'm going to say it's a sad, fat dude who tried to kill people. Look, I'm right here. I'm going to say it's a serial killer. I bet it's in reference to his last meal right before he got executed. See, that would be my thinking. Yeah, that's my thought as well. Oh, shit, yeah. I'm going killer. You can't convince me.

Okay, so everyone's going serial killer? Yeah. Serial killer, last words of Thomas Grassi complaining about his last meal. Hell yeah. Very well done. That was some fine sleuthing there. We know a lot about meals. Not a lot about lasts.

A lot about snacks. Everyone could be the last. Sidebar, what do you guys go for your last meal? Oh, shit. I think I get a Pizza Factory pizza. I think I just go with a dude. I just want to eat a person. The first thing in my head was pussy, but I didn't want a pizza factory pizza. I think I just go with a dude. I just want to eat a person. The first thing in my head was pussy, but I didn't want to be that guy.

No, but I'm just like, yeah, bring me human flesh. I don't care how long it's been dead, but just like, yeah, I might be eating a person. But what if you ate it and right before you died, you're like, this is fucking great. Yeah, like fucking have my wife bake it into a cake if you have to. I don't know. We'll get around to fucking. Yeah, well, I would hope it was great. It's the last thing I'd eat.

I think fried chicken. Fried chicken? Fried chicken. From where? Doesn't matter. I've never had bad fried chicken. Like, I don't know. We'll get around to fucking. Yeah, well, I would hope it was great. It's the last thing I'd eat. I think fried chicken. Fried chicken? Fried chicken. From where? Doesn't matter. I've never had bad fried chicken. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's hard to fuck it up.

There's a lot of fucking, there's like a couple places here in Austin. I'm sure that happens in California, too, where it's like upscale fried chicken. That can go fuck itself. Yeah. Yeah. I will say I went to the screen door in Portland, and I was like, all right, it lives up to the hype. But, I mean, it was not that much better than Popeye's for me to justify a big waiting line

and all that shit. Yeah, dude. Some kind of fucking fried chicken. I would do like Chili's, Pop Rocks, and like Mentos and Dr. Pepper. Oh, just to see it explode? Yeah. Just to make it fun. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, you just say to the guard, see? You see what I'm doing? He's like, yeah. That's the fucking- We know you kill people. That's the fucking, and I brought him up too many times, but that's the great fucking Dale from King of the Hill joke.

It's the world's rarest truffle, and while they're searching for it, tunnel to tunnel to freedom. All right, number five. Kid or serial killer. I'm fully erect and ready to wreck. That's just a great line in general. I don't want to hang out with him.

I'm fully erect and ready to wreck. 100% a kid. That's a conehead starring in a porn is what that is. I am fully erect. Take me to your wiener. Dan Aykroyd has never been that funny. Come on. No, Dan Aykroyd, however.

Stone Cold killing it. I'm going never been that funny. Come on. No. No, Dan Sackroyd, however. Stone Cold killing it. I'm going to say serial killer. All right. Let's say kid, man. What serial killer is just that loose about it? What three-year-old knows the word erect? Well, I mean, they don't have much impulse control, Jay. They're serial killers.

They're going to say some shit. Yeah. And they like rhymes, probably. That's how autism works. What do we got? Keith, what would you say? Oh, I went kid, 100%. All right, that is

a three-year-old boy. This is the same kid. I hope that three-year-old boy doesn't run into a serial killer because that's going to be a problem. I hope a serial killer

doesn't run into this three-year-old boy because, frankly, I think the kid is the bigger issue. I hope the fucking guy who sent you this game doesn't have children.

He does. This is a fan who once sent us a picture on Twitter, a very sweet picture of him holding his daughter wearing our t-shirt, and then as we zoomed in,

we realized there was a gun in his pocket. Oh, he sent us another picture of him in his t-shirt with a gun in his pocket like ten minutes ago. Oh, shit. You cannot see that.

It's the Misfits one. Oh, yeah. Dude loves guns. Indiana. I'm from Indianapolis. That area. I hung out with him when I did Morty's recently.

He's a really cool guy. Moving on. Number three to his game about serial killers. I should go to a quiet place and think about it. Okay. Is that a kid or a serial killer? Could be a timeout situation. Could be a I ate a lady situation.

I'm going to go serial killer. No kid wants to go to a quiet place. Yeah, kids like noise. Yeah, serial killer. Yeah, that is a serial killer. William Bonin discussing what his punishment for killing between 20 to 36 young men should be. His kill

count is a lot like the waistband on your pants. 20 to 36. Give or take 7. Is that like, oh, it was only 20? Eh, let him go. If it would have been 23, we would have had an issue. This is how they should teach you mean, median, and range in elementary school. No, it's like dudes who fuck a lot.

After a while, you just don't count anymore. You got nothing to prove. Yeah, you're just like, I get it. I know what I do. Whereas I'm like 13, exactly. Okay, I can do it with all my goddamn advantages. That was her age. It was very sad.

Wait, what did you say? That was her age. No, no, no. Who said it? Child or serial killer? Connor, stop fucking me. Doesn't matter. The bitch is dead.

That was Tom Goss referring to the Patreon money. He's the other host. All right, number seven. I don't want to kill you. Well, it doesn't seem like something a killer would say. That's some damn fine detective work, Gary. I'm going to say it's a serial killer. I think it's a damn fine detective work, Gary. I'm going to say it's a serial killer.

I think it's a fake out. Okay, okay. I'm going to say kid. Fuck. I don't want to say kid. I want to say a serial killer because he's like trying,

you know, he feels bad about it. It almost sounds like a Dahmer where like he didn't really want to kill people. He just wanted the body. I'm hungry. Yeah, well, he really just really want to kill people. He just wanted the body. He really just wanted to fuck those bodies.

I'm hungry. You're Filipino. He doesn't care about you. I want Asian today. I don't have to tell you, buddy. Frankly, he kind of looks at himself as the guy who gets all the abandoned shopping carts and brings them back to the place of society. Just a human cart wrangler? Let's just get this out of the way.

That is a four-year-old to his aunt. Oh. Yeah, I don't know. Some kids will do that shit where it's like, I guess that's sweet? Yeah.

Number eight, the penultimate question, the evil is coming over today. That's my dad about his wife. Yeah, is this a line from the Babadook? The evil is coming over me. I'm going to say kid.

All right, that is... Serial killer. A three-year-old girl. God damn it! I need to hang out with more kids. Kids are metal as fuck. Yeah, because you were like, oh, serial killers, that is my shit.

No, that was you. That was me. I'm really committed to that. Okay, serial killers, that is my shit. No, that was you. That was me. I'm really committed to that. Okay. All right. I just love kids. All right, leaving that there. I don't know why.

Really upsetting. I do, too. You can't advertise that as a guy who looks... Handsome? Like we do. I don't know. We don't look super trustworthy. I like a world where you're implying that the two of you look similar.

Well, no. I think we both have similar – Not since you and me have there been two people who looked less the same. Well, I'll say I have a weird haircut. I'm always kind of tired and cagey looking. That's true. He's got all this going on. You look untrustworthy, but I'd still rather leave a kid with you than him.

You look like the villain in Stand By Me. Not one of the main ones, like the rolled up sleeves. Yeah, you're like Kiefer Sutherland's bitch in the bag. She's like, get him, Spike! Last question. I want to shout I love Martha. Well, who doesn't? It's the guy who killed Batman's parents.

Wow. Very good, Mr. Wayne. That's my mother. Martha. God fucking, I hate movies. I want to shout out Martha. I'm going to say serial killer. Serial killer.

Well, now I got to say kid because I've been picking serial killers this whole time. Well, that is a serial killer. Flash words of Raymond Fernandez, who is part of a serial killer couple with his girlfriend, Martha Beck. Is that the Nightcrawler dude? No. He works solo. Nightcrawler.

From the Marvel. The Brimstone Massacre. Just bam, stab, bam. Well, I don't know. It's Stinky. We'll call him the Stinky. The suspect has curly brown hair, is wearing red. Also, he's fucking blue and the devil.

And for some reason he has a German accent. No one with a German accent can be that bad. And a sword sometimes. What a stupid character. And Nightcrawler's reading the paper and he's like, oh, this is bullshit. I'm a fucking demon and they're calling me the smelly asshole. What? I could be the Golden State Killer?

The Grim Sleeper? I gotta be the evil poof. Yeah. I gotta be Stinky Bub? Alright. Stinky Bub? Yeah, I was like, I couldn't think of a name of a demon quick enough to get a good one out there. That was Shodder Serial Killer. Me was. We'll be right back. Sock it to me?

Whoa! right back. Socket to me? Whoa. Whoa. Hey, everybody. It's Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. You know the podcast you're listening to right now. I didn't need to introduce myself. We got distinct voices. Anyway, I'm here to tell you about one of our new sponsors. Very, very excited about these folks. I'm talking about MyBookie. And who better to team up with me on this live read than Officer Money himself? Howdy, y'all.

It's Officer Money. That's right. Proud member of some law enforcement agency that we haven't really clarified. You're just an officer of like a knight of the British realm. I'm just making sure everybody's getting paid and getting laid, baby. Yeah, you keep the money right. That's how office money parties. You know, people always ask me for sports advice. I'm well

known for my sports insights. You know, you got Patriots or Steelers, Chicago or Detroit, whatever the teams go that are there. Well, let me tell you this. That's a man who knows about sports. Yeah, exactly. Big fan. And where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. All right?

You don't want to go to one of these fucking sites that masquerades as it's a game of skill and you pick your game. No. You want to go to the site that's like... That's an Officer Money No-No. Yeah. It is an Officer Money No-No. That's right. What are a couple other Officer Money No-No's?

Not having money. Okay. Disobeying the orders of Officer J Money. What does the J stand for? That's my middle initial. My name is Officer J Money. But the J doesn't stand for like J Money? It stands for J'mon Jompin.

That's what it stands for. Okay. I didn't mean the Pry Officer Money. Well, look. That's another Officer Money no-no. Gotcha. No Pryin. Okay.

No cajolin. No deep digging. No journalistic ballyhoo. No journalistic ballyhoo at MyBookie. It's a website for straight up

fucking gambling and there's no better place to fucking gamble than MyBookie.ag. Now MyBookie's been in this business for years and the rep is rock solid. They do 100% cash bonuses

so right off the bat you're making money for doing nothing and they have the fastest payouts and nobody knows more about needing a fast payout than the Mean Boys, who are constantly scrambling for cash. That's true. Officer Money gets a frantic phone call from the Mean Boys every two weeks.

Indeed he does. For the last time, no, I'm not going to buy you a boat. I don't know why we'd go boat over food, but I mean... I feel like you're reaching high. I feel like you reach high, and then I say no to the boat, and then you're like, okay, well, what about several hot dogs? And then I usually buy you the hot dogs. Indeed he does. If I'm being honest, Officer Money feels manipulated.

Well, you know what, Officer Money? We're going to be able to pay you back for those hot dogs with this amazing sponsor, and you use promo code MEAN to activate this offer, and you will match your deposit with an up to 100% cash bonus. All right? And look, I'm only going to recommend a service to you guys that's not bullshit. I'm also planning on just giving Tom 4040 and seeing what he can do with it. So we'll be checking in with that.

My guess is nothing great. My guess is coming back with a lot of gumballs and no answers. Well, Tom, I'm going to make sure I put it into my bookie so he can't just use it to buy bird supplies. Yeah, I bought half of a parrot. That's my impression of Tom. I'm not good at voices. I'm an officer of money. Maybe we should get to the features of the site at some point.

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Promo code MEAN. That's the promo code. The link is in the show notes or on the Mean Boys site. Visit mybookie.ag today. You play. You win. You get paid. Officer Money says fucking cha-ching probably

and the Mean Boys Podcast returns to play a round of our favorite game which is the following this game comes to us from Crespo Betalon I don't know what kind of fucking Star Wars shit that is that guy bought spice from Greedo that's a character Disney created Prespo Betalon. I don't know what kind of fucking Star Wars shit that is.

That guy bought Spice from Greedo. Yeah, it's a character Disney created to make more toys. It's that little furry thing from the new trailer. Oh, I saw that and I was just like, God damn it. Dude, I'm all in on that little furry thing. I hated BB-88. You are that little furry thing. Yeah, I know. I like to see myself represented in the media, okay?

The day of the straight white male is over. Now it's the day of the furry kind of adorable monster. Of the bisexual grease blob. Yeah. That was the original name. It didn't market test well. Hey, I made a witch of the following with extreme metal bands. I love the podcast and hope this works for you guys.

Also, I hope this is the right way to submit these. Yes, it is. And thank you very much. And again, blah, blah, blah. Meboyspodcasts at gmail.com. Leave us a voicemail at 304-805-ME, and that's 6326 for all you fucking simpletons out there. Which of the following is not a real extreme metal band? So I'm going to read you four things. You're going to have to tell me which one this guy made up.

So three of these are real. One of them is fake. Round number one, A, ass suck. B, child erection. Again? Yeah, I guess it's a real kid boner-heavy episode. Well, they're more grindcore. Yeah.

Or bonercore. Bonercore. C, Crippled Bastards, or D, Fuck Pig, and Fuck, I should note, has no C in it. Fuck Pig. Another alternate name for that furry thing from Star Wars. F-U-K-P-I-G. I'm going to say that's the fake one. Fuck Pig?

No, I'm going to say that's the fake one. Fuck Pig? No, I'm going to say that's the real one. I'm going to say Crippled Bastards because that sounds like a Psychobilly Roots band. Oh, it does. 100%. Fuck Pig is actually just a lamp at Ikea. They opened for Tiger Army once. The question should be which band has an upright bass. That would be a

great fucking game. I will steal that from you. Thank you. Tune in next week. I'm going with Crippled. Take it. Thank you. Tune in next week. I'm going with Crippled Bastards as well. All right, the fake one. Be child erection.

Good on you guys for assuming that that had to be real. You guys really know the evils of the world. There's no way someone's not cashing in on that fucking

t-shirt check. If nothing else, you just get that for the fucking pile of sticks logo. That's the homepage for jizz.biz. Yeah, head on over

to jizz.biz. I'm head on over to jizz.biz. I'm starting a band called Child Direction as soon as this is done. Yeah, it's open, so that's a good news. All Roots Rockabilly.

Child Direction. All right, this is one by the Cramps way back in 19... Yeah, critics are calling it confusing. Very unnecessary.

Wait, so you're that and you do fucking... Okay. Reminds you of the good old days And the bad old childhood You could have just been like Billy Dipshit And the Whiskey Boys

Or whatever but Billy Dipshit And the Whiskey Boys That's already on paste Right now Would be the number one band In this town Immediately

Yeah Round number two Which is fun He's not a real Extreme metal band I don't know What it is Dividing line between

Regular metal And extreme metal Child's erection't know what it is. The dividing line between regular metal and extreme metal. Child's erection. There's a thin child's erection between regular and extreme metal. That's like when you get to the fucking end of the periodic table and it's just like oob-doobler-y. It's existed for.1 seconds and it has a lot of songs about killing retarded kids. A, kill with hate.

B, rotting Christ. C, warm piss. or D. I killed everyone These all sound like the names of our Twitter followers That last one was a kid Warm piss rocks I like warm piss Who doesn't? I'm going to talk about soundboard

It's better than cold piss Say it again, but instead of sultry say it like Macy Gray. Oh. Kill with hate. Now, that's not – I'm going to pretend they're like Macy Gray song titles. Rot in Christ, warm pit.

I'm doing like a – That was Morgan Freeman. Piss gumbo. I'm going to read it with Bill Clinton because I can do that impression. Please tell me it's Macy Gray. That's the only black impression you can it with Bill Clinton because I can do that impression. Please tell me it's basically black. That's the only black impression you can do with Bill Clinton? You guys are a real have-hard and Chris Rocker. I don't know.

I kill with hate. Rotting Christ. Warm piss. That's a good one. I killed everyone. In black communities with my crime business. Three strikes, you're out, baby. Super Predator, that's a good bang.

See, play the hits, con man. None of this experimenting. God fucking damn it. I'll say warm piss. I'm going to say I killed everyone. I'm going to say I killed everyone. The fake one, C, warm piss. God damn it.

Well, you said it so confidently, I thought you actually knew the band. I know the band called Warm Piss. Oh, what? Well, it sounds like they're just not extreme enough. Loophole. Sounds like they're bitch metal. Oob gloobrium. I bet this is a bullshit fucking, they're like cross punk or some bullshit.

Yeah. More slop instead of slap. Slap instead of slap. Are those two genres of music? If they are, I'm going to shoot up the pitchfork office. You know what? I was going to say no, but now I kind of say yes. I just voted as best new murder.

That's what I'm resulted with? All right, yeah. I don't think anybody would blame you. No, certainly not. Enjoy being the one guy who gets away with a spree killing. Four stars. Spree killing, that's when you shoot up a candy store and you're like, I want the worst thing ever. They would be like, can you record it and just get the soundtrack of it, and then we'll promote it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's no royalties, but you'll get a lot of great exposure. So number four, or three, A, dead baby. B, aborted Hitler cock. C, dehydrated goat. Or D, skeletal cock. Was that dehydrated goat or the hydrated goat? It's a dead baby, aborted Hitler cock, dehydrated goat, and skeletal cock.

Hmm. Skeletal cock sounds like some kind of weird undead lawyer. These are all things I would need to see in Metallica font. Yeah, right. That's like the test. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't have time to prepare my backups. What's the Hitler one again?

Aborted Hitler cock. Yeah. You should note that there is an umlaut over the O's. Yeah, I think aborted Hitler cock is the fake one. Well, no. I think it's the real one because that sounds like a shitty dude being like, oh, my band? No one will listen to this.

Yeah, but it also sounds like if you were trying to make up an Edgelord metal band. It just sounds the fake. That's why this is hard. It sounds the fakest and the realest all at once. Dead Baby. I kind of respect a band that's purposely trying to get you not to listen to them. Yeah, well, that's the whole Comptown thing where it's the worst possible name for a podcast,

but you can't forget it. Yeah. All right, everyone's made their choices, correct? Yes. The fake one, D, skeletal cock. Ah, the other cock. Yeah, no one wants a skeletal cock, really. No, it's the worst cock.

It's a bony, just a long... Bony boner. Long, skinny cock. It could just be a finger. They don't know. That is true. I guess you could just be fucking yourself with a brontosaurus bone. Skeletons don't have cocks. A cock'sontosaurus bone. Skeletons don't have cocks.

A cock's not a bone. Then dicks don't have knuckles. Maybe yours doesn't. I want to see some lifting. Mine just looks like a Transformers robot scorpion tail. Like it just hinges. Just hitching a ride. Keith, I've told you a million times, that's a crease, not a knuckle.

It really collapses onto itself, and it's got a little eyelid in the middle. Man, my dick looks like fresh laundry. Especially now. You've got an 11-day load brewing. I don't remember. Storm's coming. I am going to glaze this nice lady's house. Dude, when I had mononucleosis and was fucking bedridden for two weeks, I didn't get it to an 11-day load.

Anything past a five-day load is purely hypothetical. I'm in some quantum physics shit, dog. I feel like if you just keep going long enough, you're just going to, with no exercise or change in diet, just get jacked to shit. Homeless people. All right. The final round.

All real or all fake. Cunt edition. A. Cunt cuntly. B. Cunt cuntly. B. Cunt cuntly is my favorite pitchfork writer. That's definitely what will call my boss finder back from now on. 100%. Yeah, there's the worst wacky word.

You get it? She's a cunt. Dick dastardly and cunt cuntly. Keith, you do laugh like Muttley. I know what I do. You laugh like Muttley and also the weird insects monster from Attack of the Clones.

And your dick has knuckles, apparently. I got a lot of things wrong with me. Which is weird because my dick has tails. Am I right, gang? Hey.

Old fisty dicks. It's not a hedgehog joke. B, cunt maggots. C, vampire cunt. Or D, hate cult of the cunt. What's that? The Democratic Party gang?

Oh, hey-o. Shit, man. Four more years. You guys might know this as an alt-right podcast. Gary Johnson. Echo Park's premier alt-right comedy podcast. Fuck yeah. You're dropping just enough libertarian keywords to get them to listen.

Yeah. Well, that's the thing. It's been an issue. We do get some like all righty people and we've got to be like, no, I hate you guys. Yeah, like once a week we'll get like a weird follow from like Trump forever and we're like, no, we hate you the most. We're just like the mega maggots 69. Yeah, and then I'm like, I don't know. I guess they're allowed to laugh at like jokes about my load.

Like I don't see why that has to be a political issue. McGamagits. McGamagits. I'm going to say this is for sure all real. All right. All real or all fake, guys? Those are all real. Yeah, I'm pro-cunt on all this. Yeah, those are all 100% real.

I think that's the – wow. Yeah. Hate cold of the cunts. I like cunt maggots But cunt cuntly That's amazing This is my wedding mix Yeah We're listening to cunt cuntly

On the way to the show tonight In DVR So that's Which is the following this week Thank you very much Crespo Betalon I hope you Get off tattooing safely

I hope you defeat smog Or whatever the fuck You're trying to do Yeah Yeah Have fun fucking a girl In a raccoon costume At your convention later The Mean Boys Podcast Will be back in a raccoon costume at your convention later uh the

mean boys podcast will be back in a minute swoop hey it's a macy gray or whatever i'm here to tell you about the mean boys patreon it's a very sultry collection of merchandise and bonus content that that starts at only five dollars a month and $10 if you want some cool fucking thematically fitting trinkets delivered to your sultry door. So sign up because they need money. And ladies and gentlemen, the Mean Boys podcast is back with the Mean Boys mailbag. As always, tweet us your questions, email us at meanboyspodcast.gmail.com, or leave a voicemail. What's the voicemail number? 304-805-MEAN.

Yeah, do that. So we got some questions. Jesus Medina, a fan of the show, says, where is a good place to start stand-up in Texas, and should I be drunk for my first time on the mic? I would say New York. New York, Texas. Yeah.

Where does he live? He lives in Texas He lives in Stevensville, I know that That's close to Houston I mean, he could just drive, what, 30, 45 minutes Or maybe an hour Just go to Houston, he's right there Or start an open mic In a shitty dive bar in Stevensville

Oh yeah, do that Because then we can con you into paying us to headline it Exactly Hell yeah Yeah, start your own mic in Stephenville. Oh yeah, do that because then we can con you into paying us to headline it. Exactly. Hell yeah. That's a great idea. Yeah, start your own mic and you, okay. And you can email us.

The honest answer is no, don't be drunk for the first time but I want to see people drunk for the first time. Bad open mic comedy, I'm kind of a connoisseur of that. Yeah, you're kind of

the Harvey Weinstein of open mic comedy. Oh, absolutely. Getnoisseur of that Yeah you're kind of the Harvey Weinstein of open mic comedy Oh absolutely Get drunk I want to see you become a star Plants have never looked better Fuck up this bed I want to make a tree big Miracle grown If you had just done a plant with your 11 day old

You'd be in a Jack and the Beanstalk situation Oh god here comes Johnny Fapple Seed. You know how plants like... Shrack in the beanstalk. Shrack in the beanstalk. Dude, that's what I'm calling jerking off from now on. Shracking the beanstalk. You ever heard this phrase for jerking off? Burp the worm. No!

That's fucking rules. Burp the worm. What's up with that? Burp the worm. It's also a great Super Nintendo game. So, yeah, start yourself an open mic or go to Houston. Yeah. All right, next up. At Fetus Christ said, did you get any panties from Vegas?

That's a question for us. We do a thing on the show where whenever there's a national tragedy, we go online and try and harass people on Craigslist for weird sex around the national tragedy. We have a special tragedy correspondent, Ramsey Badawi. Yeah. He did a thing right after the Manchester bombing. He went on Craigslist and an ad that was posted like 20 minutes afterwards tried to buy this woman's used panties. From Manchester.

From Manchester, yeah. And was just talking about like, you know, I want the panties you were wearing when the attack happened, when you found out about it. Wait, who's this hero? This is a man named Ramsey Bedawi. He's a comic who's on the show. And we paid this lady a bunch of money and then never got the panties. Yeah, a guy from Australia PayPal'd us enough money to get the panties just so we could get them back to the States and smell them. This is a three-continent business operation.

It was like slavery. We're contacting Interpol. I'm not kidding. I would have called the cops immediately. Yeah, but I'm worried it's going to be like, hey, this girl is 15. We're going to be like, oh, no. But, yeah, if you guys want to know, it's not the time for Vegas. Ramsey does those.

So tweet Ramsey. Yeah, we've been talking about it. We'll do something with the Vegas thing. We've been talking to Interpol. Hey, I have a crime that I need to tell you guys about. What happened? Well, we paid this woman money to get her panties because she was at the band's. What?

No, we're not helping you. Yeah, shut up yeah. What? No, I'm not helping you. Yeah, shut up. Enjoy hell. Yeah, give me my valuable crust. I just want to see a pair of denim panties sent to you guys from these fucking

country pop lovers. Our former guest of the show, Joe K., says, I love Jay. I don't have a question. I just want to thank him for hooking me up with weed in a spot

when I was in San Antonio last Christmas. I got you, Joe. Hazers Medina also asks, if I start a podcast, would the Mean Boys be my first guest, or would you like to join my secret Facebook porn group? Maybe to the first, definitely to the second.

God, what is his secret porn? I don't know. Because he's sent us porn before. Has he? Well, of himself. Oh, you see, yeah, we've been sent a lot of negative pictures of our fans. Yeah. We have a fan base that mostly just kind of sexually harasses us. Mostly Connor. Really mostly.

That sounds nice. The way I like to describe them is like poor bisexual drug addicts is like the bulk of our listeners. And half of the show. If you start a podcast, I'll call in and be a guest for sure. Yeah, 100%. Callie Velasquez sent us an email. Hey, Mean Boys, it was great to see you both perform live on your tour. Keith had a great set, and

Connor was also there. I ate it on that one. Yeah. Here's a question. What do you do about the liberal gay white female friend who constantly makes subtly racist remarks? She's not trying to be funny. She's just a hypocrite. You got to lynch her. I think you molest her, and I think you're

fine. No, I don't know. What do you do about that? I don't know. Say that again slower. Okay, she has a liberal gay white female friend who's constantly saying racist shit. Where's her conservative gay female friend? I know, liberal seemed redundant. Yeah. I, um...

Yeah, I don't know. I need specifics, like, what if I agree? Yeah, it depends which race. Send us a dossier on which... She's not always going to be wrong If she's like, Filipinos smell goofy I can't fight her on that I object to her use of the word people But that's a different thing

I identify as a lot of gas Just change your homepage to medium.com Non-binary racism I need to see this You just broke my brain Trying to understand what that even means. It's now a show at UCB. It'll be all right.

Oh, God. Do you have any more? Because I have one more, but it has to be the last one. All right, I do. If you could punch one person square in the face, who would it be? That's an interesting question. I mean, I'd just do it. You'd just do it You just do it

Are you getting a lot of fights Not anymore I like calm down a lot Yeah you seem like a guy Who was a real fighty piece of shit Like eight years ago And now you're cool No no

I've always been kind of pacifist But I don't Shit happens Yeah that's true Yeah yeah I don't put up with a lot Like if my friends are Getting fucked with really bad

Like I'll step up for a friend If it's me Fuck I don't give a shit Yeah lot. If my friends are getting fucked with really bad, I'll step up for a friend. If it's me, fuck it, I don't give a shit. Yeah, that makes sense. But punching the face? Yeah, who would it be satisfying to punch in the face? Probably my little brother. We haven't done that in a while. Why not?

How little? Nine, six. He was a child direction we talked about earlier. This one's from Alicia Silverstone. Who's that? Show your work. Yeah, Batgirl from Batman Forever. Yeah, I'm clueless as to why you would...

Not clueless. She was great and clueless, but just something about her and Claire Danes. The way they acted, they would just turn their head. I just wanted to hit them. Yeah, it was a lot of just like, this is how I emote. Yeah, it's awful. Oh, yeah. When wanted to hit them yeah it was a lot of just like this is how I emote yeah it's awful oh yeah I did when I was

in plays it was all eyebrows I was like well this angry it's down here and then you're surprised

yeah the wrinkled head fucking yeah yeah yeah Hollywood actor like I'm interested yeah I think I go

with the cashier at the Popeyes in Blythe, California for being the most incompetent wage slave I've ever encountered how about anyone who deserves to be punched in the head? Yeah.

There's a lot of people that need to be punched in the head. My answer is that anybody who waited in line for that Szechuan sauce for the Rick and Morty thing at McDonald's. Unless you're going to flip it for a profit, then God bless you. Unless you were dressed as the Burger King guy and you were inciting the riot. A false flag from Burger King at the Szechuan. You know there were a bunch of normal people. Let me tell you something about the liberal media. They don't want you to have the sauce.

I'll give you the... I'm a very limited supply, and if you call right now at 1-800-BULLSHIT, our resources... I'm Infowars Rick! You know there were just... I'm Barbecue Rick! There were just a bunch of normal people at McDonald's just trying to enjoy their day, and then it's just like 40 aspy idiots. I pay attention to science, but barely.

Yeah, fucking woman of a duck. Shut up, asshole. Yeah, yeah. Everybody who likes anything is a monster. If you're in there for the secondary market, then yeah, God bless you. I love you. All right, and one more.

Which would you rather have, a successful sitcom or a successful number of specials? Assume the same amount of money either way. Specials. I don't like sitcoms. Yeah, specials for sure. No, I don't hate all of them. Sitcom because I can make a bunch of other people write it and then get all the credit for it.

I was going to say specials, but Netflix has pretty much ruined them. Yeah. I'm going to say a sitcom that I just do a special as. If this is like your own TV show, I'll take TV show. Yeah, I think that's the implication. Yeah, I'd take a TV show. I would is like your own TV show, I'll take TV show. Yeah, I think that's the implication. Yeah, I'd take a TV show. I would take

the Mean Boys TV show for 10 seasons over. And then you could use it to build an audience so that your specials get attended. And then you don't have to try hard on comedy

because they already like you. Oh, yeah, dude. It's a proven method. The fucking coast on your laurels method where it's like, all right, I have these 85,000 people

and then I just have to play to them and them alone. Hold on, let's call Chris Delia and see how exactly you can put it together. We'll get a producer for a daddy. And then we'll put you in a scene surrounded by a whole bunch of cowards who are afraid to call you out for being bad at comedy. Oh, shit. Because your dad is so successful. The views of J.Y. Cotton do not reflect the views of the Mean Boys podcast.

Some of us have not given up on a mainstream success in the comedy industry. First of all, I've listened to this podcast. Clearly you've given up. That's a good point. I still half-heartedly have that notion in my head where I'm like, I could try to play the game. And I'm just like, I hate it. I hate it so much. Yeah, exactly.

I just want to do my ISIS podcast and perform in fucking thigh bars. Nothing successful. Dude, we just talked about Harvey Weinstein. They had to thank their predator. God. At the Oscars, they had a big shiny statue of their horrid molestation. And every representation of everything. Kind of looked like his dick.

They had to swallow while plants slowly just grow towards Harvey's dick. Like he's poison ivy? No, like he's the sun. And the light. The light of the cinema. Three, two, one. Now I'm just picturing his pubes just look like a well-tended shrub. Just olive branches.

His very tiny shears. His little red berries. Suspended between two trees. Yeah, if he's got like plant morph powers where he can just... You're describing Narnia. Am I? Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, take us home.

And the last thing, we got a comment on a video that we posted on Pornhub. That guy Ramsey we were telling you about earlier. We had somebody jerk off on a picture of him because we thought it was funny. Yeah, a guy used to do a show with us. We just put it out there because he used to be the producer and he was just like,

jerk off on a picture of Ramsey. It was episode eight. And then episode 75, someone did it. And guys, it is a lot of comedy. Yeah, it looks like an 11-day load. A lot of ropes? Yeah, oh, and ropes. I'm going to pull up the video

because I think it's worth them seeing for the first time. Well, while you're doing that, I'll say Lance of Twink comments on that video. Please make one of Shawn Mendes next. Now, first of all, apparently that's a 19-year-old Canadian singer-songwriter. So no, we're not going to do that. Unless, if anybody donates to our Patreon in the next week, tell me who you want me to come on, and I will shoot this 11-day load on that picture. Oh, shit.

Wow, Keith, that is the best money-grubbing fucking idea I've ever had. If you donate to Patreon, you name a name, I will pick one at the end of the week, and that person will get cummed on. Yeah, what you're hearing is the boys reacting to... Dude, that's a lot of... That is a lot of ropes. Give Him Up Rope is more than a Clash album. It's also a... That guy's doing rodeo tricks.

I want to see him step in it and step out of it. I think if you step in it, you're going to lose a shoe. Yeah, that's like a whole five banana peels worth of slipperiness. He does like two rounds. Yeah, and he gets his second wind and then he's like, oh, there we go. Oh, man. Revenge! It's looping a little bit because you can't upload a video that's a certain length to Pornhub,

so I had to just make it a minute long. Yeah, that's the rules Pornhub has. No, it really is. No, no, it's true. You guys use Pornhub way better than I do. You know what's funny? Oh, we're doing the other stuff too. As we get an email, I get an email from Pornhub.

I'm like, god damn it, spam. And I was like, oh, this is actually pertinent to a project that I'm working on with my career is this email from Pornhub. I think the saddest part is that we're going to that video of our friend getting jerked off on a project in our career. It's a project, right? I had to upload it. I had to format it.

Well, that is it for the Mean Boys podcast this week. Thank you guys for coming. Tell them where they can find you online and shit. Yeah, any tour dates you got and shit. We have one really good fan in every major market in America. Well, I'm working with Stan Hope this Friday if this comes out beforehand. Oh, hell yeah.

That'd be a good show to come out and see. Based on this Pornhub, if you could go to Pornhub and look up Magnum P-Guy, P-E-E, I ask intense political debate questions to specific channels that relate to the question. Like right now, it's illegal immigration on fat Latina asses. Dude, you

rule so hard. I saw some of this on Facebook. It's pretty great. The Latin crowd, a little bit of cowardly on their immigration view, so I need more people to respond to this. The cut crowd? The cut crowd, all pro-Trump. Oh, no.

I'm learning a lot of shit on this. Wow, this is like some very valuable sociological research you're doing. Jay, that's so fucking funny. That's awesome. Everyone go look at it. I'm going to check that out. Yeah. It comes out Friday.

I'm going to be headlining live at Coaltown at 10 o'clock, and then the following Tuesday we'll be doing Punch at Cap City, and then I'll be at Cap City again on Wednesday. So come out to that and find me on Twitter, at Pat Dean. Yeah, and you're at White Cotton, correct? Yeah. Yeah. All right, cool. Oh, yeah, I got some shit I got to say. How?

We got a Mean Boys live show at Harvell's on October 17th, a lineup to be booked slash announced. I'm going to be at the Rec Room Comedy Club in Huntington Beach October 19th. Fucking love that place. This Saturday, if you're around in Ventura, I'm at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. That's October 14th. That place is also pretty fun. And then, on the rise in a little bit, I know we have some Mean Boys peeps out in Minneapolis. I'm going to be headlining the

Comedy Corner Underground November 3rd and 4th after I do some fucking college thing in Wisconsin the day before. So if anyone has any food recommendations, any shit I gotta see, if you guys want to come out or whatever, I think I can get you in for free because it's like a door deal so if you're a Mean Boys guy, I'll comp you.

But yeah, I think that's it. Yeah, my shows are on my Facebook, at Keith Tells Jokes on Twitter and Instagram. And on Halloween, I'll be doing the roast battle

at the Comedy Store against John Michael Bond. Oh, fuck him. Get him. Oh, John rules. Get him. I'm gonna fuck that chump up. J&B's going down.

We do too. He's been on this show. He's a lovely man. He's one of my favorite people and I'm gonna make him look real dumb. We do too. He's been on the show. He's a lovely man. He's one of my favorite people and I'm going to make him look real dumb. Alright, cool. That's it. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. See you next time.