Mean Boys - EP 84 - Grenade Face (Live feat. Gabe Bravo & Andrew Youngblood)

Episode Date: October 19, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, "Did They Die?", “New Names” and “Porn Comment or Yelp Review”. Get the new Misfits t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Visit our new sponsor My Bookie for all your gambling needs! Use promo code "MEAN" when you add funds for an up to 100% price match: www.mybookie.ag Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Gabe Bravo on Twitter: twitter.com/thegabebravo Follow our guest Andrew Youngblood on Twitter: twitter.com/noyoungblood Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Keith Carey and Connor McSpadden from the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up guys? We are here with the second episode this week. That's right, double bonus because we were late last week and we feel real bad about it. Yeah, you know what? When we miss a period, we get two abortions just to make it to our lovely fans. That tracks. That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, as we recorded this right after the intro for the Tuesday show and I am still completely just a diarrhea drained. Yeah, this is the worst possible time we're going to be doing this. Connor looks so sad and so much paler than he already looks. Yeah, I'm very weak, and Keith is in a hurry. So get ready for some top-notch podcasting. This was recorded live at the Secret Group in Houston, Texas. Thank you to all those of you who came out to the show.

Yeah, we had some Mule Boys peeps. We spray-painted some T-shirts. We spray-painted a lot of T-shirts on the tour. That was fucking amazing. Yeah, we did. And keep bringing those to the live shows because it's fucking rad. It's awesome. It makes us feel so cool every single time.

Comedy Black Flag, baby. Or Black Flag. We're Comedy Black Flag. Dude, Black Flag is a fantastic cover band. If you like Black Flag, go Google Black Flag. This is not a bit, by the way. Real band. Oh, yeah.

Go listen to them do Jealous Again. Fucking rips. Yeah, the Secret Group was fucking awesome. All the other comics were great we had a wonderful time uh andrew youngblood and gabe bravo out of houston uh check them both out on the social media we'll tag them in the show notes very funny dudes gentlemen and scholars both of them yeah uh on to some uh some business we are sponsored by by who keith don carlos taco shop in la jolla california what are you gonna get there you're gonna get a burrito're going to get a burrito.

You're going to get a taco. Presumably a quesadilla. I haven't checked the menu. Oh. But you can at eataborrito.com. That was my next question. Yeah. I'm on top of things.

Yeah. Also, I'm this guy. I need to move on to the next sponsor just because I'm pretty over that. Go for it. I'm here for the rest of the intro. No. Studio headphones. Studio. Oh, God. This is old. the next sponsor just because i'm pretty over that go for it i'm here for the rest of the intro no uh studio headphones studio okay this is all i can't right now oh it's happening uh tell us about the studio headphones uh we're wearing the regents right now

those are the premium on-ear model the top of the line very comfortable stylish ergonomic as fuck yeah excellent sound quality. No longer do you have to choose between stylish design and good sound quality. With Studio, you get it all. You can have it all in your ears. They have Bluetooth capability. The teeth are blue.

Yes. And the wires are irrelevant. It also has a wire that is never tangled. One wire is relevant if you want it to be. It just gives you like a... I didn't mean to besmirch the wire. Just like an eighth inch, like fucking ramen noodle of Sonic Delights that just like... Flat.

Yes, it is very flat. It's a very good piece of... It's a flat wire. Look, they're from Sweden. For sexy boys and girls on the go. What has Sweden ever done wrong, really? I mean, maybe they're like, you know, we're neutral in World War II or something. Hergy-dergy, pork-pork-pork.

I mean, what product? You never see a jacket or a peacoat from Sweden and go, gross. There's no horse meat in these headphones. Yeah, it's high-quality fucking Scandinavian engineering or whatever. Fucking, they sound great. Just get them. Use promo code MEANBOYS15 at checkout. The link to the store is in the show notes.

And listen like a ninja. Sorry, call back. To a sponsor we don't have anymore. No. I guess we can just both do this. Inflate your own damn couch. Yeah, you're lazy. You need to work out your cheese.

Both butt and face. Work out your butt by sitting on a bad couch and your face by blowing it up. Fart your face butt. Butt face, face, fart, mouth, mouth fart. Butt face, fart, mouth, face, butt. Fart your dick. Here's an episode. Number four.

Fart. all right we're starting it what's up everybody welcome to the mean boys podcast i'm connor expat and i'm keith carey and you guys are the coolest nine people in Houston, Texas. I like that you both were shitting on how small our crowd is and still over exaggerated how many people there were. Am I over exaggerating? I was trying to be generous. Wait, okay, so you got seven.

The bartender doesn't count. I'm counting the bartender as half and then the people that are on the show as half. So I think we got eight and a half. What we're learning, as we've been on tour across the whole country for the past couple weeks, we're learning we have a Prius full of fans in every city. Yeah, truly. There's always one really stoked dude that's making everyone else at the venue uncomfortable.

But here, we've subtoppled that. Yeah, we're trying to upgrade to a short bus full of fans. That's what we're going for. Yeah, because where we're at right now is this is just kind of like a lame cult meeting, is what it looks like. We're walking everyone outside. Every time we saw a guy with a fucked up haircut and a weird tattoo, he was like, maybe one of ours. That could be us.

And every time it was like, Shane Moss? Yeah, Shane Moss. Just right through this way. Yeah, you don't want to look over there. Yeah, no, it's been fun. We went to Oklahoma That sucked That's just like a vacant lot That has a governor for some reason

That's all Oklahoma is It is just the capital city of buttfuck nowhere It's a series of gas stations Being held together by the drug industry It's just about We headlined a casino in miami oklahoma uh which uh they they went through painstaking measures to inform us was pronounced miami you gotta say it that racially is possible you need like yosemite sam being pushed downstairs and like doing that

show i've never been more confident there wasn't a mean boys fan in a room oh yeah because i'm like if these people tried to download a podcast their heads would explode oh yeah Oh, yeah. You looked at it and you're like, well, these people were like, Jeopardy's a rerun, so I guess we're going to go see the city boys crack wise about the human condition. We also went on local access television in Oklahoma where they told us we couldn't plug Mean Boys because our podcast was too offensive.

Yeah, which is, I've got to be honest with you guys, that was probably the raddest I felt the entire trip. I'm like, you're goddamn right, I'm too hot for K8745WZ. But the important thing is, fuck Oklahoma. We're in Texas now. And it's time for Mean Boys Live, goddammit. Has anybody here ever been to a Mean Boys Live show that we do out in California or anywhere else?

There's no way they have. I have to add. Shut up. I'm trying to create a veneer of professionalism. No, no. We break down the fourth wall. We connect with people. That's our appeal.

Is it not, gang? I guess not. As it turns out, we have no appeal. I guess they're all like, it would be kind of nice if you tried a little bit. Who's listened to the podcast before? Okay. All right.

Everybody. Awesome. Yeah, that's a solid three sevens. We can do the fractions. We don't have to explain shit and we can get out of bad riffs by referencing Tom.

That's what we know. Yeah. Exactly. That'll work. Not that riff though. No. Indeed not. And you know what?

As always is Mean Boys tradition. We've started floundering so I think it's time to get into the first segment. The Mexican Jokoff gang.

Let's do this shit. And we're going to welcome to the stage our guest dominatrix for the evening. Give it up for Lilith, ladies and gentlemen. And then there were six.

Alright, shirts off, Kerry. While we're doing this... So who said, oh boy, fuck you? That's hurtful. I am a man. That was the biggest reaction. A man with feelings. I'm not an animal. We've gotten so far. Lily, why don't you tell the crowd a little about yourself

and how you got roped into this. Where are you? That guy. It's all his fault. That guy right there. I've known him since I was 15. And he imagined me like this in the future and thought this would be perfect. The dude who defends Joy Division's second album

decided that she would be a good fit for us. Yeah, we knew we were coming here and we posted and then, yeah, Kevin basically messaged us and was like, I know a girl who's a dominatrix and then she couldn't do it. It's like, I know a girl who could probably do it. I don't need my transmission flushed. We're talking about human pain and you're like,

I got a guy. So I had to just text a lady I didn't know and be like, do you want to hurt me and my friend for no money? And as it turns out, the answer was, oh, God, yes. So, guys, our backup dominatrix for the evening. Real better plan B you won't find anywhere. Have you ever done this in a professional capacity before, or is this just for the love of the game? For the love of the game.

Ooh, that's almost scarier, because she's not one of these opportunistic poop hookers that's out there, you know, pouring herself out on Backpage. She's like, no, I just have a passion for misery. I was going to ask if you've done this in your personal life, and then I saw that your boyfriend looks like, yeah, I know, he looks like an anthrax roadie. Of course he does.

Yeah, that guy doesn't want to feel good for extended periods of time. Well, enjoy my butt crack that I can't deal with as we get in. I've been trying to fix it for five minutes. It's not happening. Nice. So basically, we're going to do the same terrible Mexican joke as we always do. Please react honestly, because if you don't

like them, we're getting hit. Yes. And if you do like them, the other one's getting hit. So I'll start us off. Scientists are warning that a super volcano in Yellowstone National Park may be close to erupting and wiping out almost all life on Earth. This cataclysm is going to be depicted in the upcoming

film, Yogi Bear 3 Beyond Jellystone. Alright. Ow! Wow. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. I mean, kind of. Just the surprise.

I was about to be like, all right, hit me. And then as I was turning around, thwap. Oh, my God. You have this look of panic and jubilation that I can't... You look like a child who's allowed to drive a car. Or like a possum defending its young. I just startled you behind a dumpster and you're like... All right. All right.

I don't need this from someone who doesn't get paid to be a poop hooker. All right. A Houston library says it is struggling to recover after Hurricane Harvey. In a poll by CNN, 15% of Texans said fixing the library should be a priority, while 85% of Texans said, what is a library? Shit. Okay. Ow.

Got to be honest. Okay. Easy. Shut up, Mom. It's pretty enjoyable being on the other side of that I'm not going to lie to you Yeah he's doing stuff for me I like Keith going

I can't believe calling them stupid Didn't crush This is the 15% I'm calling everyone else shut up Just bomb Fair point The Boy Scouts of America Announced that they will now admit girls Critics of the decision say that their presence

Will distract from the scout curriculum And disrupt the bond between growing boys And their molesters That was a titter Alright I got a comfortable titter And my back will be unflogged I said molesters

I got a lot more child molestation jokes. I think I'm going to be just fine. Wait, that's how you make this work? A bunch of kids got touched this week. I was about to say, that's not a real news story. They probably did. I can't dispute these facts. I don't think it was a slow week for molesting.

Let's go on Molesto Truth and check the molestometer. A Missouri prison has banned all cigarettes. Since the change, there's been a spike in inmates getting vaped in the showers. Thanks, Gabe. Yeah, you really...

Okay. A Missouri woman has won an abortion lawsuit because the state's policies violated her beliefs as a member of the Church of Satan. Sadly, a judge ruled that Keith Carey still has to buy two plane tickets despite his membership in the Church's Chickens reward club. Wait, what? I'm not wearing a shirt. There's a Keith is fat joke happening

already. You know what I'm saying? You can only call the same man fat in so many ways. I've been reinventing that wheel for about a year and a half now. The TSA apprehended a man with eight plastic eggs full of ecstasy in his anus. Critics are calling this an unnecessarily gritty reboot of

the Easter Bunny. Hit that bitch. Yeah. I've been better. I feel like you guys are developing empathy, which is not good for a Mean Boys live show. Relish in the pain. We deserve it. All right.

Do you guys want to hear a joke about croissants? Or a joke about... You know what, fucker? we're doing croissants. A French baker has launched a crusade to save the country's genuine croissants from growing pastry industrialization. He went on to say, there's a weed genocide going on. White flour. The guy voted for Le Pen. Yeah. The guy voted for Le Pen.

A controversial new video game allows players to control a slave attempting to escape a plantation to freedom. The game is entitled 40 Acres and a Yoshi. Wait, what? That's so confusing. She was just like, not quite. That's like I'm putting a cigarette out on you, but we're getting ice cream afterwards. Do we have two left or three left?

Two. Two, okay. One. No, we got to take our medicine here. Okay. Tried and true. A Florida school district lost a lawsuit in which they claimed four third grade girls were to blame for letting their teacher molest them.

The attorney for the state said in his closing statement, what did you think was going to happen? Come to school all gussied up with pigtails and cute little shit stains on your overalls? These tots were asking for it. Yeah, he hit me. Whoa! Whoa!

Shit! The pedophile jokes have failed me. I don't know what to do with... Gulp. Yeah, you gotta feel like Schindler in this situation right now. You can go ahead and just double up that Patreon pledge anytime you want there, Kev. Producer Harvey Weinstein was outed as a sexual predator this week. Houston residents are just excited to finally hear about a Harvey that doesn't get anybody wet.

That was like a groan. Okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think I'm great. I don't know. What do you think, guys? Is he good?

Okay. Yeah. You guys were like, he's suffered enough. All right. And finally, Arby's announced that it will soon be offering venison and elk sandwiches. Okay, yeah. You guys were like, he's suffered enough. All right. And finally, Arby's announced that it will soon be offering venison and elk sandwiches. Not to be outdone by their appeal to rural America, Chick-fil-A announced its new promotion, White's Only Wednesdays. Oh, you missed, bitch.

Give me a hand. Shouldn't miss that time. Fuck. Fuck. Connor just looks like an epileptic rooster when he gets hit. Cock-a-doodle-damn! That was jarring. 58 people were killed

and hundreds more injured after a gunman opened fire from his hotel window. President Trump immediately sprung into action and declared a nationwide ban on hotel windows. All right, fuck. That's the Mexican joke off, everybody. All right, that's the Mexican joke off, everybody. One more time for our 99-cent store suicide girl.

Take a bow and probably his annex because Jesus Christ. You guys, when we do Live Mean Boys, we like to bring up some of the best local comics. This first guy is the one who let us do this show. He's very funny. Give it up, everybody, for Andrew Youngblood. Andrew Youngblood, ladies and gentlemen. Andrew Youngblood, everybody. Yeah, one more time. I think the laughter is the best possible option that your kid could have responded with.

Yeah, yeah. What if he just, like, did it and just, like, moistened me, father. Yeah, it's not. He's given me that look before. Let me ask you guys this. Am I the only one who, when I'm taking a shower, I turn on the jet and I just go over. I give my, like, ass cheek, like, my make my asshole like a little spritz, you know? Do you have a jet in the middle of your shower?

No, because I'll have it angled down and I'll kind of go and I'll do like a power bidet for a second. I feel like I'm too big to get my ass up that high and kneel. I'm 6'4". I mean, is it like a... No, it's a fat thing. It's a fat thing. I feel like I would do that. I'm sorry about my ass privilege.

Yeah. Yeah. Get on our level, ass privilege. Yeah. Yeah. Get on our level, son. All right. Why don't you explain what this next segment we're going to be doing is? Guys, we're playing one of our favorite games here at Mean Boys. It's called Did They Die? Yeah.

The name of the game is the rules of the game. I'm going to read you a story about something that happened to somebody, and you guys are going to have to guess if they died or not. That's it. Without any... If they died or not. If they died or not. Nice.

Are they dead or are they alive? You've got two options. Nice. not. If they died or not. If they died or not, are they dead or are they alive? You've got two options. Number one, a man in a motorcycle accident lost his leg, which as of a week later has not been found. Did he die? Oh, he's totally alive. He's alive? He's gotta be alive! Why would they

care if he found his leg later? Who's looking for the leg? Like, the dead guy's not like, guys, we gotta find my leg. It doesn't make any sense. You can't just leave one just Who's looking for the leg? Like, the dead guy's not like, guys, we gotta find my leg. It doesn't make any sense. I'm imagining... You can't just leave one just out. Yes, it's nature.

We'll take care of it. What the fuck? Maybe in Texas, there are rules everywhere else. Yeah, it's roadkill. Yeah, there's like a dude in an orange jumpsuit with one of those, like, trash bikes who's just like, ooh, I'm taking this back. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna trade this for heroin.

I imagine if there's just a leg around in society, there's a guy whose job it is like, okay, I'm on fucking limb detail today. Let's go figure this shit out. So you're saying alive? You're saying? Yeah, I'm going to say alive as well. That man is alive.

He's got to be. Congratulations. Did they ever, is there a follow-up, like they ever found the leg? Like a link to another article? They found the leg. No, because I wrote this game for a Mean Boys Live podcast that was even lower attended than this one. So I did not check up on this as of a week ago.

Number two, a woman was bit by a copperhead snake at an Outback Steakhouse in Virginia. Did she die? Oof. Yeah. Every part of? Oof. Yeah. Every part of that is beautiful. A fucking blooming onion on her leg with a fucking puss. Was it in the peanuts? Just inside the peanut jar on the table?

Yeah, slithering through the shells on the floor. They don't do that at Outback Steakhouse. No, they do. You're allowed to break the peanuts and just throw them down on the ground. I will say this. Having a poisonous snake in an Outback Steakhouse is the most Australian thing they've ever done. That is true. Oh, I was thinking about, I just confused Roadhouse, Texas Roadhouse with Outback.

Oh, okay. That's why I'm talking about peanuts. You're like, who is this fucking guy? He doesn't know. Here's what I thought. Yeah, my bad. This is a story about a snake biting a lady, and we're concerned about the peanut content. I was, yeah.

She's like, oh, we can't go here. I'm allergic to peanuts. I think it's been defaced by a peanuts. That would be a great trick question if she died of a peanut allergy stroke or whatever. What happens to you if you have a peanut allergy reaction? Does your pussy start crying? That was mean. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to allergy shame everybody. What weird things you guys are choosing to get upset about? Yeah. Oh, okay. Sorry. Goddamn. We got mean fans. Alright, what do you say? Alive, dead? Fuck a snake, I say dead. I think she's dead and they gave her husband like a sweet gift card.

That bitch is alive and her hubby didn't get shit! Free blooming onions for life. Yeah, exactly. Also like a million dollars probably. How about two lifetimes with the blooming onions and you keep'd be great. Maybe they give her one. How about two lifetimes with the Bloomin' Onions and you keep the million dollars? Maybe they give her one of those gift cards like you can also use it at a Red Robin or a Mimi's Cafe.

You ever get one of those from your fucking fun grandma? I love Red Robin though. All right. Moving on. A man in Tulare, California had his Achilles tendon slashed by a chicken with a knife on his foot at a cockfight. Did he die? Wait. Did you say she was dead or alive?

She was alive. Yeah. Sorry. Fucking don't listen. I'm sorry. by a chicken with a knife on his foot at a cockfight. Wait, did he say she was dead or alive? She was alive, yeah. Oh, I fucking don't listen. I'm sorry. Wait, so a chicken at a cockfight cut a dude's Achilles tendon? Yeah, they taped a knife to his foot to kind of like expedite the chicken killing process. Well, that's how they do it. That is how they do it. Little blades.

All right, I'm sorry for not knowing more about animal abuse. No, no, you're right. Yeah, I was agreeing. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so the- So I guess the chicken is the only one crossing the road now I suppose so I'm trying, man Was it down or across the tracks? That makes a difference

Somebody wrote poetry in high school That wasn't the focus of the article, believe it or not. It was the direction of the chicken wound. I mean, I can't figure out how you would just die. Like, just from getting cut in the legs. If you're by yourself, like, you're the guy who cleans up after, and no one's around, you can't walk anymore. So the chicken came back and, like, targeted this dude?

Well, maybe he's the survivor, and he's like, now's my chance. Boom, I'm out. He's okay, and then out of the shadows, he just goes, clink, clink, clink. There's just one of the my chance. Boom, I'm out. He's okay in the shadow of the shadow. There's just one of the janitors just sweeping up blood and feathers like, another day, another dollar. And he starts singing Ray Charles songs to himself. And then a chicken, which I imagine is wearing the

Mike Tyson heavyweight champion belt, struts in, runs across the floor and kills him. Maybe. So what do you guys think? Dead or alive? I'll go with dead. That man is dead as fuck. Hell yeah. That's got to suck to have to like, you know, like, what happened to grandpa, kids?

Well, you know, you know, chickens, you know, the concept of knives. Well, yeah, I'll tell you when you're older. All right. Next one. A Colombian soldier got a grenade stuck in his face did he die yes wait in his face he got a grenade stuck in his face the grenade did not detonate but it was you can see an x-ray it was stuck as fuck in his face like in his mouth in his mouth or do you mean in his face i'm so confused how does it get stuck in it was like stuck like right

here i don't know how it got in there. The article was very vague. Holy shit. Was there a picture? Probably somewhere, but I don't have it right now. I think he's alive, but he's probably really bummed out that he's alive. He still has that grenade stuck in his face. Everyone calls him Grenade Face. It's fucking weird.

The doctor's just like, I don't know, man. Don't headbutt anybody. Grenade Face is the best fucking extreme metal band that doesn't exist yet. Oh, man, yeah, we had to go see Mean Boys. Grenade Face was sold out. The Dominator's boyfriend plays

bass in Grenade Face. She for sure does. Yeah. No, one time at a sex store, quick sidebar, I saw they had, you know, they have flashlights, little shapes and different things. They made a little grenade you could fuck. What? And I'm at a sex store, quick sidebar, I saw they have, you know, they have like flashlights, they'll shape them like different things. They made a little grenade you could fuck. What? And I was like, how, like, fucking, like, masculine and tough do you need?

Like, I don't want to fuck a vagina. That's for faggots. I need a grenade to shelter my cum. If that box didn't say, this pussy is the bomb. It did not. I think it just said like Fuck grenade Which Is honestly probably

The best single Out of grenade Faces whole discography It does seem like a fun game Like there's a timer And it's like You have to blow Before it does

Oh shit Dude I'm on 75 milligrams Of Zoloft a day That would be a hell of a Hell of a game I'd be going right to The porn greatest hits Like alright

That's the worst 24 episode ever. Jack Bauer just goes, fuck. Mom, not now! Alright. Grenade Face is alive. Oh, shit. And hopefully writing songs about the devil.

Or else he's wasted that whole experience. And finally, a 43-year-old Irish mother of four had sex with a German shepherd, had an allergic reaction. Did she die? Now, I'll say before we get into this, I accidentally cut out the part where I found out if she was alive or dead, so I had to Google this. And it was hard to track down the story because when you Google Irish lady, German shepherd, sex, you get like 700,000 results, which did not give me a lot of pride in my heritage.

I'm pretty sure I've seen at least four of those videos. Oh, yeah. Keith dated a girl who made him a fucker while she watched dog sex videos. Oh, you know about the dog sex. Hell yeah. Yeah, that's a fun piece of mean boys lore. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God. The problem was you had to keep pace with a dog, and dogs have a very capable cardiovascular system, and Keith does not so much. Weirdly, he was panting more than the dog. I just wish I could go back in time, find me at that moment, and be like, I know it seems weird now, but one day a stranger in Texas is going to yell details about this, your most shameful moment, back at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This show just paid off itself. I love this so much. Texas is going to yell details about this your most shameful moment back at you. Yeah. This show just paid off itself. I love this so much. That was a very deeply spiritual moment you just gave us. Yeah, that lady's also dead.

Okay. She's dead? What do you think? My grandmother was allergic to German shepherds, so I'm going to say... Was she a black woman in the South during the 1960s? She was marijuana. I don't know. She had this weird fire hydrant fucking rash.

I don't know. What a weird story that is. I wonder if it just brings up something like, was she allergic to just dogs and didn't know? Or was it just this particular dog? Just German Shepherd? Or was it just dog cum? Maybe she's just a dog racist.

What are you allergic to? Well, I mean, here's the weird part. It's like, okay, so you're allergic to dogs. At some point between, hey, here's a dog and you fucking that dog, you gotta start getting the sniffles. You know what I mean? You gotta be like, well, maybe there's an issue. Maybe Mama Bear needs a clothespin or something.

Maybe I don't need to cum this badly. Maybe she thought she had more Benadryl and then she was just out. Oh my god. She's like, fuck, I'm out. Here's what happens. The dog runs off with the EpiPen god she's like fuck i'm out here's what happens the dog runs off with the epi pen and she's like no just swelling up like charlie the chocolate factory just goes drives away with that chicken from the last one yeah and she's just eating pita butter as she slips into the abyss it was in the first aid kit that goes on the dog's thing like this

oh yeah yeah like a fucking rescue husky with a little barrel full of dried meats and provisions for the trapped minors. Whatever, you get it. Anyway, your guess. Totally dead. That lady is dead as fuck. Boom, third of four. I'll tell you how I knew she was dead, because they said mother of four. They wouldn't have brought up that she was doing anything but fucking that dog.

Damn fine detective work. Also, you read a lot of obituaries. That's just a thing you're into. Mother of four. You guys might call it morbid. We call it research, gang. One more time for Andrew Youngboy. Andrew Youngboy, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much, man. Thank you, buddy. All right. We're going to slide nicely into one of our other favorite segments. Guys, it's time for a round of new names. And for those of you guys familiar with the podcast, new names is where we take something out in the world and we give it a name that we feel like is more appropriate. You know, like you might call Bass Pro Shop KKK Mart, something like that.

So I'll get us started. New name for Rachel Maddow, Queef Olbermann. I was really expecting a higher response for that one. My new name for football players, buts, but Gronkadonks. All right, we're each targeting one member of the audience at a time with this. Yes, this is a very personalized show. But Gronkadonk. But Gronk very personalized show. But Gronk-a-Gronk. But Gronk-a-Donk.

But Gronk-a-Donk. That's the best character on fucking Wawa Wubbzy, you haters. What is Wawa? That's a kid's show. Why are you up to date with current children's television? Maybe one of those kids died on set and it didn't make the cut after I found that German sex fucking dog Irish lady. You don't have children and we can't afford a television. Yeah. I'm a pedophile, and we can't afford a television. Yeah.

I'm a pedophile, Keith. Don't blow up my spot. Cool. Not cutting that out. Yeah. That's just how I... I'm not actually, but I'm just like, I got to segue somehow. I don't know.

I'm a pedophile. This is the life I've made for myself. All right. In light of them getting bigger and better every year, mass shootings will now be called iPhones. Can the dominatrix come back up and hit me again? New Yorker Connor strikes again.

Oh shit, she's acting. You sit your scary hot for here ass down. Guys, if Julianne Reed had tweeted that, it would have broke the internet, okay? I wrote these at whatever the hotel was. New name for getting cum in your ear, Skeets by Dre.

Really? You guys all fucking threw a parade by Skeets by Dre. Queef Olbermann gets nothing. Enjoy your social commentary, faggot. Some of us are having a party. I got gross ones too, you ass. Oh, fuck. I have one more social commentary one, but I'm going to have to pat it out with a stupid one. This one

is straight up dumb. New name for cows, barbecue trees. Because the barbecue grows on them. Rough sex with a fat girl will now be known as BBWWE. Oh, I was looking at BBWBDSMWE. Top is.

Jesus Christ. Oh, we've horrified you, the dog sex historian of the group. And we have an episode title. Welcome to Dog Sex Historian, episode 84 of Mean Boys. New name for truck stops, Republican grocery stores. New name for Tommy Loren, Manic Pixie Dream Gerbils. Oh, yeah, that was New Yorker Keith. I like that one.

Yeah, I got real cocky, so I had to move that one. You see those old tweets about her where she's just like, oh, working is hard. I'm glad I get free money from my dad. I always fucking love those. I was hoping that was going to go somewhere, guys, and I let you down, but thanks. New name for cum,

that'll now be called a fuck receipt. You keep it in a shoebox, I guess, and show it to a guy at the end of the year, and he'll be like, what are you doing with that? I feel like cum is like a CVS receipt where every time I get it, I'm just like, why is there so much of it? I don't fucking want this. It doesn't all fit in my hand. I don't need a scroll.

I'm not summoning a dragon. I'm just trying to, you know. And last one. An attempt to revive the dead careers of the other members of Destiny's Child will now be known as a seance. Should have closed with the Skeets by Dre. You should have closed with BBWWE, my friend. We're going to start that website and quit this podcast and we'll be billionaires in a week.

Hey, everybody. It's Connor from the Mean Boys Podcast. You know the podcast you're listening to right now. I didn't need to introduce myself. We've got distinct voices. Anyway, I'm here to tell you about one of our new sponsors. Very, very excited about these folks. I'm talking about about my bookie and who better to team up with me on this live read than officer money himself howdy y'all it's officer money that's right uh proud

member of some law enforcement agency that we haven't really clarified you're just an officer of like like a knight of the british realm i'm just making sure making sure everybody's getting paid and getting laid baby yeah you keep the money right. That's how office money parties. You know, people always ask me for sports advice. I'm well known for my sports insights. You know, you got Patriots or Steelers, Chicago or Detroit, whatever the teams go that are there.

Well, let me tell you this. That's a man who knows about sports. Yeah, exactly. Big fan. And where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. All right? You don't want to go to one of these fucking sites that masquerades as it's a game of skill and you pick your game. No.

You want to go to the site that's like... That's an Officer Money No-No. Yeah. It is an Officer Money No-No. That's right. What are a couple other Officer Money No-No's? Not having money. Okay.

Disobeying the orders of Officer Jay Money. What does the J stand for? That's my middle initial. My name is Officer Jay Money. What does the J stand for? That's my middle initial. My name is Officer J Money. But the J doesn't stand for like J Money? It stands for J'mon J'Ompit. That's what it stands for. Okay, I didn't mean the Pry Officer Money.

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For the last time, no, I'm not going to buy you a boat. I don't know why we'd go boat over food, but I mean – I feel like you're reaching high. I feel like you reach high, and then I say no to the boat, and then you're like, okay, well, what about several hot dogs? And then I usually buy you the hot dogs. Indeed he does. If I'm being honest, Officer Money feels manipulated. Well, you know what, Officer Money?

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My guess is coming back with a lot of gumballs and no answers. Well, Tom, I'm going to make sure I put it into my bookie so he can't just use it to buy bird supplies. Yeah, I bought half of a parrot. That's my impression of Tom. I'm not good at voices. I'm an officer of money. Maybe we should get to the features of the site at some point. Oh, right.

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That's the promo code. The link is in the show notes or on the Mean Boys site. Visit mybookie.ag today. You play. You win. You get paid. Office of Money says fucking cha-ching, probably. Quong. One more time for Gabe Bravo, everybody.

That's me. I'm Gabe Bravo. Gabe Bravo, or as I'm now going to call him, Evil Me. Evil? He looks like a Fred Flintstone got a divorce in the 50s. She's taking the house! You look like you went to Shawshank for stealing a bunch of pies. You just shit in a pelican and then went to go see Johnny Cash.

You guys look like people I thought were my friends before this. We're your friends, buddy. I'm sorry. I can't believe the Nice Guys podcast were such fucking dicks. I can't believe the One Trick Pony Hour fucking didn't come up with something else besides being an asshole yeah indeed guys as you know if you listen to the live shows there's only one way to close them out we're going to play a game one of our favorites porn comment or yelp review

ladies and gentlemen if you have not gathered from the title how the game works Keith is going to read us a statement it's either going to be a comment from a porn or a yelp review and I want to point out for some of the listeners who might realize this, we have a bet going with all three mean boys, me, him, and Tom, who's not here tonight,

over who can go the longest without jerking off watching porn. Connor lost immediately. I did. Didn't even unplug the microphones. You think I want to go travel the country with Keith and be sexually frustrated? Yeah, you can hear him as we're saying, fuck everything, God is dead on that episode.

Touring with other people is the most sexually frustrating thing, especially if you're not even close to getting laid. Oh, boy. Keith is just a lot. He's kind of a handful. I don't want to be horny and have to go to a Whataburger with him. Hurtful. Anyway.

The point I was making is I have to go through and make this game so not only am I not allowed to jerk off but I also just have to look at Pornhub for several hours so my life is hell but it's worth it because this is a pretty good one so number one is this a porn comment or a Yelp review quote that guy with no sleeves is a real jerk

that sounds like a Yelp review for here there's a guy here who is like the only guy that has gotten negative reviews. And, like, he just, like, is very muscular, and people just don't like that. Also, he is kind of a jerk, but he is very pretty. I just want to point that out. I saw him coming in.

He is very pretty and seems like he might be a dick. Here's the thing that's weird is who keeps their shirt on during pornography? Like, who's like, oh, I'm fucking in my wife beater. That's the only that's weird Who keeps their shirt on during pornography? Who's like, I'm fucking my wife beater That's the only porn I watch Is Winnie the Pooh porn With shirts on And no bottom I'm putting my fist in more than a honeypot

Alright Gabe, I might be a jerk But at least I don't watch cartoon animal porn He doesn't have a dick It would be fingers only. Very sad. Only finger bang Winnie the Pooh porn. You have to see how specific can you be with your Rule 34 request before Google's like,

I got nothing for you. If he had a dick, it would be horrifying. I need to see Flo, the progressive lady, take a shit on Sonic the Hedgehog. Anything? That 100% exists. Okay, we'll do some research after the show. I'm gonna say

that's a switcheroo. That's a porn comment. That is a Yelp review and it is a Yelp review of here. That's right, motherfuckers. Damn it. I should get double points for that shit. Sure, why not? We've never kept score. You really fucking called your shot on that, baby. That was impressive.

Number two, quote, burn it before it lays eggs. I'm going to say you picked this one to mislead me. I'm going to say it's porn. Keith actually is working on an 11-day load. Actually, 12-day load now, right? So this is a Yelp review from the future of that jizz. Because it's going to drop on the concrete. I don't know why you're jerking off outside of my imagination,

but you are. It's going to start sizzling like when you crack an egg during a slow local news day and there's a heat wave. It's going to come out, you slither away, go bite a lady in an Outback Steakhouse. You're going to come out a tiny fat guy who's going to scamper around and steal shit from liquor stores. That's Danny DeVito.

I'm going to say, fuck, that's a porn comment. The correct answer is that is a porn comment from a porn called Girl with Three Tits. Ooh. Number three, quote, looks like somebody's son had a blast at football camp. Ooh, this is hard. Oh, fuck. There's no good answer. Ooh, this is so hard.

No, you can be of age and go to, I guess you can't, can you? You don't go to football camp if you're an adult You're in the NFL I guess that's a good point I'm 18 years old, off to football camp Read it again Looks like somebody's son had a blast At football camp

Here's a legal question Can you, if you are of age Portray an underage person in a pornography film? I looked into it for another game we never played, and the answer is no. No, I can't be like, I'm 16. Let's put it in my butt. Damn. I mean, you could say that.

It's really limiting. It's not super convincing teen dialogue. You know what? I thought you'd be more slang. Well, maybe if I had the option, I'd put more effort into writing the script, but call me a libertarian whack job, but I think I should be able to play a 15-year-old boy

that gets shit on by Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm going to say it's porn just because it sounds I'm going to say it's porn. I forgot what it was. Looks like somebody's son had a blast at football camp. That's a Yelp review.

That is a Yelp review of NRG Stadium right here in Houston, Texas. Very nice. I was like, I know Keith. He throws those in there to make you question the dignity of the human race every once in a while. Next one. Quote, I've never eaten standing up before.

Ooh, this is tough. This is an entry from your diary, Keith. This is either a slim-up bar. He reclines on a chaise lounge and just has grapes stuffed with bacon bits lowered into his mouth by a Puerto Rican fanboy. Just a loose roast

beef just dripped into my face. I'm just wearing it like Hannibal Lecter. Bring me my beef mask. Alright. Read it one more time. I've never eaten standing up before. Eating pussy. This is

like midget fucks WNBA player perhaps. You gotta do something on the off season. It's also real hard to watch because no one likes watching WNBA. You know what I mean something on the offseason. It's also real hard to watch because no one likes watching WNBA. You know what I mean? Bad fundamentals. No one likes it.

It's like she can make them come, but she can't dunk the dick. I am so much a feminist, but I can't defend it. You know what I mean? It's just low-scoring games. Just real hard to watch. Well, it is. You eat pussy from the back, and then they're standing up. If you don't do that, that's frankly on you.

That's a good time for everybody. You're bent over. How are you confused? You own a pussy. Yeah, yeah. And then obviously I turn my hat around like Dennis the Menace. I like that you're squatting down like you're the guy on top of a track trophy. I'm getting ready to fight in Street Fighter.

Yeah, you're in possession of a vagina. You about to get that shit repoed if you don't stop talking shit, woman. It's Houston. I'm allowed to be sexist, I think. Yeah, we're the biggest hub for human trafficking, I think, in the world. That's pretty cool. Congrats. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Good for y'all, ladies. Buying ladies. Buying ladies. Alright. That's progressive cool. Give yourselves a round of applause. Good for y'all, ladies. Buying ladies. Buying ladies. All right. That's progressive in a way. You're going to find yourself the most affordable blowjob in the continental United States. Gentlemen, I need your guesses. I'm going to say that is a porn comment.

I'm going to say, I'm going to also say it's porn. That is a Yelp review. Oh, son of a bitch. Twin Peaks Sport Lodge right here in Houston, Texas. What the fuck? Next one. You should still leave Pussy standing up. That's just something I believe. Next one. Don't be lazy.

Shut up, you peasant. This is Trump country. That's definitely porn. I feel like that's porn. I have another question to pose to the audience. I saw porn the other day where the actor was playing a man coming home from the army fighting overseas. And then the wife had this very... And his dog was real excited and fucked that girl.

She died of a dog allergy. Yeah. That is a Greek mythology reference tied into a porn comment. It's very impressive, my friend. No, he fucks his wife after they haven't seen each other in years. Is that stealing valor? Like, if you were in the service that is absolutely stealing valor yeah i feel like it is and it's like hey you didn't earn that triumphant load you should have given

that to her yeah some asshole on youtube should have walked up and be like hey why are you wearing that like you know they should have just given the dude an std test and let an actual marine do that that would have been fucking awesome yeah i've had so many great porn business ideas just during this segment alone. I know. We barely run a podcast. This is just ground floor for you to become a pornographer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had weird discussions I just got to get the domain name jizz.biz which is still sitting at around $1,700. That's not bad.

That's pretty cheap. This is a year-long mission. Once we're selling out that other room, you better believe that's going into the cookie jar. If you start a GoFundMe, I'll give you like $200 for sure.

I actually should start the GoFundMe. We'll talk about this later. No, you shouldn't. Hey, maybe you should shut up. Maybe that could be a thing that you do. You never supported my fucking side projects. You guys, I'm going to shut up. Please tell me to shut up. Shut up, faggot. Oh, thank you. Shut up, you peasant. This is Trump

country. Guesses. Porn comment. I'm going to say porn. This is Trump country. Porn comment. I'm going to say porn. That is a porn comment from a video called Muslim Girl Praises A Long Dick. Which is funnier than anything we wrote for this show. That guy needs a raise.

He's giving me a raise in my pants. Am I right? That's a porn thing, right? Boners. All right. Did you have the hijab on? Because then it could have been a raise. He's giving me a raise in my pants. Am I right? That's a porn thing, right? Boners. All right. Does he have the hijab on? Because then it could have been a dude. I mean, maybe he's just got a good waxing regimen.

All right. I got three more. Quote, this was dramatic, borderline destructive, and morally questionable. Ooh, this is hard. It's a little grandiose either way, right? If this is porn, I'm afraid to watch it. If this is porn, I feel like the FBI are coming to the Spring Hill Suites after the show. I like my porn to be lighthearted and not with a deep fucking...

Yeah. Just extreme... This is a review of a Kafka novel. I don't want anything heavier than a Jennifer Aniston movie. The Metamorphosis. Even the soldier thing, I was like, this is a little emotional. I don't need a tearjerker, just a regular jerker. That is a Yelp comment.

Yelp review. This is a fearjerker. What do you think? Fearjerker's opening for Grenade Face. Boom. Callback. Bang. Throwing him out there.

I'm starting all these bands. I'm starting them right now. I play with this guy in the vest. Guess what? You can find the record label where, gang? Chiz.biz. Hell yeah. Here's what happens. I suck the first two-thirds of the show and then the last. I'm just the callback king, baby. Cotter says Yelp review.

What do you think? Yelp review, I think. That is a porn review. Oh my God. We're so bad at this. It's called World's Biggest Gang Bang, the Houston 500. Oh, shit. I was even at that one. Congratulations.

Which was later beaten, I swear to God, by World's Biggest Gang Bang, the Houston 620. Which is such a weirdly specific number. I'm just thinking about what a nightmare catering that is. Because they're always going to be raiding the napkins. Everybody's got their mouth full the whole time. You're fine. Wow. There's a certain subset of people there that are not going to be eating much.

They need a safe room. Well, no one's ever like, I got all this cum. I ruined my appetite. How do you think cum works? No, I think that happens quite a bit. All right, two more. All right, we'll get into it later. Quote, that's way too small to comfortably sit on.

Ooh. Ooh, shit. I've heard that before. This could be like an amusement park for kids where it's like they're letting them get up there on the thing. I'm a concerned mom. Or this could just be about like, you know. A not good dick. Asian guy number five.

Which is my favorite mambo By the way Man if you're burned out By guy number five And you're doing 500 You're gonna have A rough afternoon Yeah I don't

Yeah I've fucked 13 people Over the course of 24 years And I've found that To be exhausting Quite frankly I had to pretend To care about astrology

For a good amount of time I don't know Please Oh your crystals are great. Did I calm you up? Please stop making me sound. Yeah, just get on a conveyor belt full of fucking sweaty guys. I'm going to say that that is a Yelp review.

Yeah, I'm going to agree. I'm going to agree with that. That is a Yelp review of the seats at the Route 91 Music Festival in Las Vegas, Nevada. Oh. You guys, that's where all the people died. Catch up. Look, I'm not going to lie. I knew that was going to bum everyone out.

It was funny for me. That's why I didn't make it the last one. We walked into the hotel with three bags full of very conspicuous podcasting equipment. No, I walked into the hotel with three bags full of... Yes, you carried something for once in your life, and you're so fucking proud of yourself. Yeah, I carried something besides this show. Calm down. Look at fucking...

You left yourself so open. That is less impressive for you than it is for your knees. The point is, I had to go down to the car and get the podcast equipment while he just, you know, fucking frowned and vaped like he does. And I'm walking through the lobby, and I'm like, why is everybody staring at me? And why is, like, the security guy's hand on his gun? And I'm like, oh,

because three bags of microphones looks a lot like three bags of machine guns. Yeah. It's a fucking huge bummer. It's great. The only reason I love this is because my friends who were there survived. Oh, shit.

Yeesh. Anyway, the last one. You know, man, if we didn't fly too close to the sun on Wings of Hack, we wouldn't be this show. Yeah. I'm glad Keith said that one. Last one. Quote, Damn, bitch got a puddle round her ass. A puddle? Damn, bitch got a puddle round her ass.

Ooh. Ooh. This feels like you're trying to mislead me, but that might be misleading. I feel like this is a blank on this. I dare you to make less sense. Yeah, yeah. Is this the Houston 750? I feel like you're pushing me in the direction. Like, this sounds like it should be porn, right?

Yeah. Yeah. You see, now you've understood the game after the seventh question. The idea is that they're ambiguous by definition. Yeah. All right. I'm going to say porn. Okay.

Puddle. What sexual... I mean, a puddle is... One man can make a puddle. I don't care how much... It's been 12 days. I can make a puddle. Listen, all the fluid...

I'm telling you, if I expel every fluid I can, I can make a puddle. If I... Every fluid? Every fluid. I'm make a puddle. Every fluid? Every fluid. I'm talking vomit, tears, piss, crumb,

and diarrhea. I've been drinking a lot lately. Not blood, just diarrhea. If I eat nothing but bananas and drink Pedialyte for a year, I'm maybe filling a soup ladle, like at the most. A puddle. So there's a gangbang. That's a porn comment. I'm going all out. It's gotta be porn. The correct answer is, that is a porn comment. I'm going all out. It's gotta be porn. Okay. The correct answer is

that is a porn comment. Yeah, we got it. On a video called Big Squirt from Hurricane Fury. Left by a commenter named Autism 24. Hurricane Fury is a... That is the fucking mean boy spot. Scientists say that Hurricane Fury is about to erupt

and is gonna destroy the entire planet. We call that... Gay Bravo, everybody. One more time for Gay Bravo. All you guys. You guys know how we end the show. On the count of three everybody say it with us. One, two, three. Fuck everything. God is dead.

Not everybody. Come hang out or whatever. And someone turn the music on so it's not awkward in here.