Mean Boys - EP 86 - Fat Bitch Thunderdome (Live feat. Ed Greer, Rich Slaton & Nicole Becannon)

Episode Date: October 26, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Letters To God”, “You Be The Judge” and “The Tom Goss Lightning Round”. Get the new Misfits t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Visit our new sponsor My Bookie for all your gambling needs! Use promo code "MEAN" when you add funds for an up to 100% price match: www.mybookie.ag Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Rich Slaton on Twitter: twitter.com/mmacomic Follow our guest Ed Greer on Twitter: twitter.com/edgreedestroys Follow our guest Nicole Becannon on Twitter: twitter.com/nicolebecannon Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast. What up, buttholes? We got a live show for you today from Harvell's. Yeah, man, this was a real fun one. This was a really fun one. Where we really found out who could hang with the Mean Boys and who couldn't. Because we started with a packed room and by the end of it we had about 12 very loyal people left. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like when Black Flag would open with the process of weeding out all the hardcore, you know, fucking circle-pitting douchebags would leave, and then they'd play Rise Above and Jealous Again. Yeah, exactly. So you're going to hear us reference the fact that we are weeding this room out. Yeah. But it was a ton of fun. I want to thank all the comics who were on it with us. Jeremiah Watkins, who you're not really going to hear on this, but he was there.

Yeah, he opened the show for us. Rich Slayton, Nicole Buchanan. Ed Greer. I think that's it. Tom Goss, of course. Yeah. Also, the fucking show is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla,

California. The finest Mexican food. They got burritos. They're great. Go to eataborito.com to learn more. We're also brought to you today by Long Beach Comedy, the group that puts on the Harvell shows. They asked us to give them a little plug, so check them out.

Yeah, great shows at Harvell's every single Tuesday. A lot of the comments you guys will know from Mean Boys, from Rose Battle, from all the other shit that you might be aware of us from. Yeah, if you're in the area, go fucking see a show. It's always a good time. You'll probably fuck afterwards. It's a good thing to do before you fuck. Every single person fucks after a Harvell show. I think so.

Well, it's burlesque. You know, that's getting the sexual elements out there. It's because comedians are raising these controversial ideas, you know? Yeah, you're just thinking about, you know, politics and your dick and, like, all the things. Yeah, yeah. And you're horny. Yeah, they're talking about it and fucking. You know, it just gets everyone in a good fuck place.

Trumping and humping, dog. Speaking of good fuck places, come see me in Minnesota, Minneapolis, November 34th. I'm headlining the Comedy Underground. We can't do plugs at the end of the live shows, but please, I'm headlining those shows. I want to see some mean boys. I've heard a few of you have asked me when I'm coming to Minnesota,

so I'll be out there those times. And then November 19th, I'm headlining the ACC down in San Diego. So please come to those shows. I'd love to see you. Come say hi. Tweet me if you're coming or whatever so we can hang out for a little bit.

Oh, yeah. We are also sponsored, again, by Studio Headphones. Real high-quality-ass headphones.'re swedish they're ergonomic they uh combine style and function yeah they fucking they sound amazing they look cool they're very comfortable they have bluetooth functionality and long ass fucking battery life yeah i've said it before and i'll say it again if you want a little fuckable tron yes these headphones this is what jordy laforge would uh put on put on when he was sad about girls to listen to his crying jams. This is a fucking space wheezer.

And if you're a Luddite and you don't do Bluetooth, you got a fucking wire that doesn't tangle. It's just this flat little ramen noodle of sonic perfection. Yeah, it's oddly, we're weirdly obsessed with how good this cord is. It's the best fucking, because every single aux cord I've ever owned just gets jacked to shit and broken like immediately. Yeah. We've gone through like two or three on this show

just because of wear and tear somehow. Yeah. You know, Tom fucking spills Mountain Dew all over him. I'm sorry. Yeah.

Also, leave us a review on iTunes. That's a very easy free way to support the show. If everyone that listens to the show left us a review, we'd be doing like fucking dollop review numbers.

Yeah. So just take a second and do it. It helps us out. It helps us keep growing the show. More people will listen to it. Get that Patreon out. We could do more episodes for you. Here's one. Like My Mother Used to Make is the title by reviewer Sketch Storm. Since drinking

battery acid would ultimately lead me to dying, I listened to this to adequately simulate what it would be like. Keep up the good work. You guys are preventing my painful death. I think we've already read that one, but it's still worth revisiting. Oh, I don to this to adequately simulate what it would be like. Keep up the good work. You guys are preventing my painful death. I think we've already read that one, but it's still worth revisiting. Oh, I don't think so. Oh, we did, for sure? I'm 90% positive.

Okay, well, you're wrong about a lot of things. All right, well, good point. You're also very fat. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Some Days I Want to Choke Myself by Roroni1209. There we go.

Me too, Roroni. Me too. After listening to a few episodes, his body does it for him. Awake apnea. I don't know why I'm such a... I've been so shitty to you this morning. You are being real salty. And I just woke up, so it's just been like a wave of like,

all right, man, everybody calm down. I'm a little stressed out, so I apologize. I'm just having a morning. It's all good. After listening to a few episodes, every episode of The Mean Boys is like that scene in The Dark Knight. The Joker is slowly beginning to take over the criminal underworld

after faking his own death and is noting that while his operation is small, it's ready for rapid expansion and notes there will be triads for the team and breaks a pool cue to present it to three people to take out the other two.

That is a fucking perfect review. It is. I also like that this is like the one edgy movie this guy has seen. He's like, yeah, it's just like Dark Knight. Yeah, you know, that fucking piece of outsider art. Yeah yeah exactly yeah i love when people think aggressively

like mainstream like like media like that is like oh dude is this really sick independent underground movie uh it's called batman begins like have you ever even seen fight club dude yeah i mean it's pretty gnarly all right it's like brad pitt like before like you know he was like uh indespicable me or whatever wasn't he Indespicable Me? Not even a little bit. Okay, well. His mega mind might be what you're thinking of. That's definitely what I'm thinking of.

Also, fucking support the show on Patreon. We're knocking on the door of that fucking next goal, and then that'll get you guys two extra episodes a month. Some day we want to do the show twice a week. We just don't. We barely have fucking time to do it at this level already. Yeah, and anything you guys can throw us. And we're working real hard.

These bonus contents are pretty fun. Anybody who listened to the bonus content from this week heard a de-evolution into madness that may somehow make an appearance at the regular show at some point. Absolutely. Yeah, and we're doing, for the $10 level, you get cool little fucking trinkets. Tom Goss keychains coming up. Tom Goss keychains. What would Tom do?

Those are coming. But yeah, and also if you do the $25 level, you're getting a box of everything that we've sent out in those $10 levels over the months previous, which is at this point a pretty stacked ass box. Yeah, right now, if you send in like the $25 donation, you're going to get like a solid like $50 worth of like cool merch. Yeah, yeah. You're getting the handmade t-shirt.

You're getting three stickers of each of the Mean Boys. You're getting the wristband. You're getting the wristband. You're getting the keychain. You're getting a fucking fat stack of bullshit. Yeah, so that's honestly, that's the fucking level right now. That's what you want to hit.

Yeah, yeah. And anything in 25 is a little steep, but you know what? You should have donated sooner. Maybe you owe us. Yeah, maybe we would have any money at all and not be dying because of you, our listeners. Yeah, asshole or person I love.

I forget the tone of what we're doing right now. I got to study televangelists and learn how to properly guilt people into donating. Yeah donating yeah we gotta fucking pat baker these assholes yeah because right now i feel like i'm a little too fucking earnest and i gotta just be like guys i gotta go like full npr pledge week yeah it's like if you don't want the art of broadcasting and truth and media to die out completely you need to get a fucking shitty tote bag right now did you know for every dollar you don't donate to the Mean Boys podcast, your dad fails to get a boner for your mom? Do you not want your mom to come?

Your mom, she works hard. She does. She made you. You know what doesn't work if it's not hard? Your dad's dick. There you go. Nobody wants that. He can't eat pussy.

There you go. This is NPR. This is what NPR is all about. He's got that brutal unemployment beard. It's scratching up your mom's beautiful vagina. He says he's a writer, but he's not going to write anything. No, he's just writing his name on his fucking government checks. Yeah.

Or something. He's writing his name on a prescription for fucking boner medicine. You know, it's not the best intro, and I'm going to take most of the blame for that. But we do have a fun episode. The important thing is it went on for too long. Yeah, everyone wants to hear seven minutes of plugs before the actual content of the show. All right, fuck everything. Here's your show.

All right, Harviles, how are we doing tonight? That is the shittiest how are we doing tonight I've ever heard. What the fuck? Try it one more time. Harvels, how are we doing tonight? You guys ready to drink, have fun? You guys here for Mean Boys? Who are my mean people out here?

Oh, fuck yeah. Well well you guys are in something is really special tonight tell you what let's just jump into it give a big warm welcome for conor mcspadden keith carey whoa no no no fuck that no fuck that no fuck them fuck them no one more time no fuck that john get up. We're just doing this. You're done. We got it. It's okay. That was the level of enthusiasm we deserved.

John, I mean... Wait, that didn't even say Tom Goss. Tom Goss! Tom Goss. They nailed it. They nailed it. That was close to being a functional introduction. That was... Then John remembered to be John.

Yeah, and he... That was the... I like that... The whole... the auspices of what you were doing is like, oh, you guys didn't give it up hard enough when he just forgot Tom's name. Stop fighting with us. Yeah, John. Guy who booked the show. Hey, you're being kind of a bad stage manager right now. Hey, everybody, welcome to Mean Boys Live.

Hey, thank you guys for coming. Yep. Jets, baby, them Jets. That's for the podcast listeners. They didn't even have the fucking decency to refill the smoke liquid. That was like, you could tell those are the last two squirts in the tank.

That was like the third fuck of the night where you're like, look, I'll go one more time, but it's coming out powder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just mostly just blood and effort. Enjoy my dust, baby. My name is Keith Carey. This is Connor McSpadden. This is Tom Goss.

We host a podcast called Mean Boys. Now it's a dumb live show. Who here has never been to Mean Boys Live before? Make some noise. Make some noise. The quiet one. You guys are in for a real weird fucking night. I can't tell if there's a lot of regulars or if you guys are all just very intimidated and regretting this

group on purchase. Might be a little of both. But this is a live show we're going to be doing. Some stand-up comics, some great comedians for you. We have games prepared. A bunch of other wacky bullshit. Warm me up. Tell me what we've been doing. We just got back from the road for like two weeks. We did.

I jerked off in a truck stop bathroom this week. That's the thing I did. You did, yeah. Keith, how many days had it been since your last orgasm? So if anybody listened to the episode of the Mean Boys that we put out today, I was nursing a 12-day load at that point. What I want to know is did anybody give you a 12 day chip on your key chain well because we have a roommate who's convinced that like i don't know if you guys have heard about like the no fap thing where he's like yo i don't jerk off and now i have super

powers and shit yeah he thinks it turns him into the guy from the limitless yeah it's supposed to make you like super alert and shit and i was like i'm gonna try it for a month and when i learned from not masturbating for a month is that I can only go two weeks without masturbating. And we were in the middle of the desert in Texas, and it was just like a nine-month pregnant woman. I was like, this baby is coming out. And it wasn't even like a dignified bathroom. It was like I could hear country music and farts.

And I saw Keith waddle out of the Circle K looking like an empty toothpaste. My legs went rubbery like a cartoon character who was tired. I just drank a Gatorade and napped for four hours. Yeah, so that was my experience at the road. What did you do? Spent too much time in Oklahoma, which is just like a vacant lot that has a governor for some reason. Went to Miami, Oklahoma, which is the capital of buttfuck nowhere. Yeah.

And by the way, you have to say it Miami, not Miami. You have to say it racially. If you want to pronounce it, you need to access the hate in your heart. Miami. Miami. I don't want no God to dirty black people to Miami. This sounds like Yosemite Sam swearing. Just sassafras in Miami, rabbit.

Yeah, yeah. Haven't seen Tom in a minute. What have you been doing? Oh, I wasn't invited on the tour, so I'm... In our defense, it's very difficult to travel with him across state lines. There's a lot of permitting issues. So, yeah, I was busy. I think my cousin's in a cult, and my sister lost her snake, so that's been...

Why was the snake mobile? I don't know. She said she locked it up. I don't believe her. I think she did homework, got high. She cuddles with the snake, and while she fell asleep, I think. She cuddles with the snake. Yeah.

It's a cool snake. She named it something. Unless you're in a Britney Spears video, you're not supposed to cuddle with snakes. I think Voldemort kept a healthy distance from snakes. Snake cuddle. How edgy do you have? I'm sorry my sister's more powerful than Voldemort then. I don't know what you're saying.

Well, the point is, if you see a snake tonight, please let us know. Yeah. Because it belongs to the Goss family. And that other thing, what was the other stupid thing you said that made no sense? Oh, I might have accidentally robbed a charity, but I'm going to fix that. So don't... It's completely accidental, and I'm going to fix it. How much did you accidentally steal from charity?

Me? Well, it wasn't me stealing. I just received the money. It was $70, and I believe in the cost, so I got to somehow get that money back to them. I like how Tom is like, somehow, I have to somehow acquire $70 again in my life. Basically, a charity ruined your life. Also, you have to acquire it, meaning you spent that charity's money already. Yeah, no, it's the next time I have money, I donate it back.

They also gave it to me in cash. How do you turn cash into online money? Yeah, that girl is going to die before she gets the kidney transplant because there's no way Tom has 70 extra dollars. For the non-podcast listeners, they're probably very upset now with my update. Yeah, it's going to get worse. Don't worry about it. Are you guys ready to get this show started?

All right, we're bringing to the stage one of our favorite comedians. You guys are going to absolutely love him. You've seen him on Comedy Central. You'll see him all over the place. Everyone, please clap your hands right now for our buddy Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Love everything. God is alive. Thank you so much.

Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Guys, here's just a couple of fun facts about Jeremiah Watkins. Did you guys know Jeremiah Watkins cannot tell a lie? That's a fun fact. Jeremiah Watkins can make the sleigh from the movie Elf fly all by himself. He has that much good-hearted Christmas cheer in his veins. His farts, they smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls. Every single one of them.

He really is just like the Muppet that teaches the kids on Sesame Street how to turn a good time into a great time. He's the most positive man. I also love that he was like, I'm losing the mean boys crap. Better talk about cum. Yeah. Yeah, he looked deep into the recesses of his soul, and he's like, I got this thing about fruit and jizz

that's about as satanic as I get. But thankfully, we're getting into something much gnarlier. It's time to do one of our favorite segments, the Mexican Joke Off Gang. Now, what we do here is we scour the internet for the most horrible stories of the week. We write some jokes about us. And when they bomb, we have a very special guest come out and beat the shit out of us. So, ladies and gentlemen, clap your hands right now for a trained dominatrix, Miss Catherine Walters. Let's take our shirts off, gang.

Indeed. Welcome to nudity town. Because I don't want our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to see this happening. So put him face down. Here's the deal. We wrote these jokes today. These are about things that have happened. Your reactions are going to dictate what happens to us. If you laugh, we're going to be okay. If you don't laugh, we're fucked. I actually haven't

written my jokes yet, so... So Tom's going to be riffing them off the dome. Yeah. It'll be the demo pain. Demo pain, everybody. Yeah. Are you taking a hit first? There's never been a more terrifying looking man than you right now, Tom. I really wish we had a pool I could swim in to put my shirt back on.

It'd be okay. I'm really... You look like the thumbnail before you click on any news story about Florida. That's what you look like. Just like a fucking jeans, no shirt, weird haircut. Just like, okay, that guy raped a crocodile for sure. Do not give them sympathy laughs. Don't laugh

at their shitty jokes. The less you laugh the more they get hurt. But like laugh if they're good. We're fighting her basically. Yeah let's have

a meritocracy here. Don't fucking just give us what we deserve. I'll be a dick and I'll go first. Nice. Let me pull up

my joke file. I'm already worried about this. Speaking of pull up my joke file. I'm already worried about this. Speaking of something we talked about earlier, a Florida man sodomized a pink flamingo to death. Next week he's expected to be sworn in as the king of Florida.

Okay. I was expecting a Rainbow Cafe joke. I'm very disappointed. I don't know what that is. You guys don't know Rainbow Cafe? I think you've got to be thinking of Rainforest Cafe. Oh, fuck all of you. Oh, I do mean Rainforest Cafe. Yeah, you know Rainbow Cafe where all the animatronic gay people and they give you overpriced chicken tenders?

I love that place. Yes, queen. Yes, queen. All right, you're up, buddy. All right, I'll that place. Yes, queen. Yes, queen. All right, you're up, buddy. All right, I'll go next. Yeah, Larry Flint of Hustler Magazine announced that he will pay $10 million for information leading to the impeachment of Donald Trump

or $40 for weird foot pictures. No questions asked. Damn, two for two, we're safe. Now it's Tom's turn. I just get hit, huh? Oh, yeah, I guess so. Yeah. This is the saddest Leonardo da Vinci Vitruvian man ever.

No, he got me once. Okay, five, five, okay, fair, fair. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Somewhere my grandma just got mad. I don't know what the... Ouch, okay, fair, spare. Ow! Oh, my God. Somewhere my grandma just got mad. I don't know what the... Ouch. Okay, all right.

Tom, nothing has ever made less sense than you getting hit by a dominatrix and saying, somewhere my grandma just got mad. She's an honorable lady. I mean, I can't imagine his grandma would be thrilled. Keith, Bob, go. Yeah, nobody's grandmas are loving this move on all right a website selling an anne frank halloween costume received hundreds of complaints if you think that's bad wait until you get a load of slutty hitler

all right i think you get hit for that one i got like a half oh am i getting the egg okay so oh dear what's about to happen is something uh katherine's done a bunch of shows Oh, am I getting the egg? Okay, so... Oh, dear. Hobblets! What's about to happen is something... Catherine's done a bunch of shows with us. She's been asking me to do this forever, and I'm really not happy about it, but... My dick's not coming out. Everybody calm down. All right.

You don't want to see it. Believe me, folks. Okay. Oh, I'm really not happy. Oh, you're cracking it in the pants. Wow. Wow. I'm so happy, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, fuck. Okay. It didn't even break. No, I just got punched in the dick with a rock. You're not doing it again right now. Yeah, sure, why not? Oh, jeez. For the listening audience.

Oh, they're not even hard-boiled? Because it tastes better. Why would they be hard-boiled? By the way, they told us before, they're like, we just put in new carpet. So, yeah, enjoy that. Keith, for the listeners at home who are hearing this on the podcast version, looks like he just ate a troll's pussy. Dude, I just got an egg broken over my head.

There's lesbians aggressively making out in the corner, and we're all shirtless. What David Lynch movie am I in? Yeah. We're fans. Don't worry. I also would like to point out that the show's been going on for 12 and a half minutes, and we're already here. No, I love it. I love it. I also would like to point out that the show's been going on for 12 and a half minutes. And we're already here.

No, I love it. I love it. I love your energy, ladies. All right. Well, now it's time for fuck... What? Love wins. Love wins. Love wins and so do eggs.

Go on, Connor. Wins at what? Annoying the shit out of everybody? Ooh, okay. All right. No, I've angered lesbians. I don't know what kind of gypsy curse... They're not angry

They're making out That's fucking fine We're all having a great time Why am I fighting you on this? Hey, can we make this go longer So I can have egg in my hair for more time? Because I would love that I would love that so much

It's definitely not dripping down my back Into my butt crack right now My next joke begins with an excerpt From James Joyce's Ulysses Now, a few of my most treasured passages, and if you will, give me a moment. All right. Hurricane Ophelia is in Ireland,

leaving two dead in its wake. The two coastal farmers who lost their lives are survived by their wives, that quiet redhead with the bruises, and Molly the sheep. Oh, no. All right, well, yeah, there's that. Whew.

I did not get it. Yeah, it wasn't good. Nobody did. I'm going to get the mic in here to really get the sound on this one. yeah, there's that. I did not get it. Yeah, it wasn't good. Nobody did. I'm going to get the mic in here to really get the sound on this one. Oh, fuck. Okay. I don't like that I have a fucking sound crew for this. Oh, the waiting.

Ow! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Ow, ow. Damn. Ow. Ow. A lot.

I bet you're wishing it was time for breakfast right now, baby. Damn. Ow. A lot. I bet you're wishing it was time for breakfast right now, baby. Wow. Ow, ow, ow. Or Tom. Oh, you're out. You already took your coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I Yahtzeed.

Yeah. You Yahtzeed. Fuck you to death. Oh. I say it every time we do this. I don't know how you come from this. I don't know. I mean, you time we do this. I don't know how you come from this. I don't know. I mean, you find a way.

I mean, I'm willing to change my name, but that's about it after that. Ivanka Trump said she went through a punk phase because she was a Nirvana fan in high school. In related news, I am going through a diet phase because I got water with my Wendy's Baconator combo. Flawless victory. Very nice, Keith. Very nice.

Keith has survived. Guys, a long-time neo-Nazi activist has renounced the movement and announced that he's been secretly gay and Jewish the entire time.

In a related story, Keith Carey has revealed he's actually just an Asian woman wearing a lot of sweaters and a hand mask. Yes. All right, all right.

If she won't hurt you with her fists, I'll hurt you with her fists, I'll hurt you with my words. Netflix is set to release 80 original films next year. They say they're committed to providing a wide and diverse array of things for you to ignore while you're fucking. Catherine, you call it.

That's kind of weird. Do I get another egg? Hey, whatever our I, I, whatever our say for it is, which we should have established earlier, I'm instituting it for getting punched in the dick. It's more egg. Okay, sure, let's do that. Oh, God.

Alright, so the egg is going in Keith's butt. I don't, I want to see. It's, well, no, it's in there, I promise you. Oh. Ow! Ow. Ow! Ow! These eggs are so hard. They sure are.

That's why we only buy Hooker brand extra strong eggs on the Mean Boys podcast. Damn it! If your eggs aren't Hooker strong, then how will you punch a guy in the dick? John just walked up here with a face that says, this may be the last Mean Boys live. Yeah. It's not like you also told us that moments before going on stage, and we're like, well, we already brought the eggs,

and eggs, those cost like $4, so. As cold and wet as you think it is, I promise it's more. All right, you're up, Connor. Tom, your thoughts on this before we proceed? Oh, I'm trying to think of an egg butt pun, and I got nothing. All right, thank you. Thanks, bro. Good work.

You guys asked. All right, a new California law states that employers cannot ask applicants about their criminal past. In a related story, Keith Carey finally got a second interview at the hometown cookie jar emporium. Didn't sound great to me. All right, I'll get a spanking. No. Please, no. At least do the other side.

Oh, that was like bone. This is the first time she's gotten us to tap out. That's like bone. This is the first time she's gotten us to tap out. That's like when you're... He said just in case, like when your mom gives you a condom for Christmas when you're 15. It's like, look, I know you're a dork, but I don't want any grandkids,

because, frankly... All right, I got one more. Stay with me on the setup for this one, okay? Oh, good. Hang on, everybody shut up for a second. A music blog published news that arthouse director Lars von Trier sexually assaulted

a famous Icelandic singer. Or to put it another way, pitchfork on court that a Dutch dork tried to pork poor Bjork. It's the funniest thing I've ever written. You're all wrong. So I can't read James Joyce, but you can do whatever fucking Dr. Seuss hipster bullshit just took place. Oh, that was a lot.

Guys, it really hurt, and I'm really stalling for time trying to look for a better joke that doesn't exist on my phone. Like, you know when you keep going back to the fridge and be like, maybe there will be pizza I can microwave in there this time. That's what's happening. Yeah, no rush. I don't have eggshell in my asshole right now. So, Tom, tell us a little more about this charity. Stop filibustering! Alright.

Do you guys want to hear a story about cupcakes or rape? Rape! Jesus Christ! For the listening audience, the guy in the Metallica shirt just went, Rape! Fuck yeah, rape, brother! Tony the Tiger, do rape!

I mean, it's the week for it. All right. A Michigan judge ruled that a 21-year-old woman will no longer have to share custody of her 8-year-old son with her rapist. This is what qualifies as a feel-good story in 2017. That's pretty good. I feel like he gets an egg. All right. I can't do an egg.

I literally cannot. I'll do the cupcake joke, and then if that bombs, you can hit me extra hard. How's that? All right. Deal. All right. Google Maps removed the calorie counting feature from their app called the Cupcake Counter after accusations of fat shaming.

In a related story, Waze has discontinued its Armenian Death March cookie pedometer. Yeah, yeah. Turn around. Oh, fuck you, lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Mexican joke off. Well, I'm out here on the beat with my new partner, Officer Money.

How you doing? I'm doing good, baby. How you doing? I'm doing okay. And you know, ever since I started this podcast, people have been asking me for advice. Sometimes it's about some weird shit that has to do with child molesters and being a dentist. That was odd. That was outside of Officer Money's jurisdiction.

What is your jurisdiction, Officer Money? You know, money, cash, De Niro, moolah, skrilla, scratch, coin, cha-chang. Usually, it's what team to bet on. You know, you got Patriots or Steelers, Chicago or Detroit. Well, let me tell you this. Ducats, Dams, Nichols, Nichols and Dams, Benjamins, Bannies, Benny and the Franks. Well, where you're betting those, where you're betting those ducats

is just as important as who you're betting on. And that's why I always tell people to go to mybookie.ag. Ones, fives, tens, twenties, twos, if you have an eccentric uncle. Yeah, Christmas is fucking wild. And you know what's wild? My bookie has been in this business for years.

That's a good segue, honey. You're goddamn right it is. And their rep is rock solid, ladies and gentlemen. I'm taking Bill Burr's cadence. They do 100% cash bonuses. So off the bat, you're making money for doing nothing. It's a state of cash emergency. Yeah, head to the FEMA

camps. There's been a cash emergency. Wee-oo. Wee-oo. That's me doing a siren. It'd be like a big money tornado. You know when you sell a lot of shit for your school fundraiser. You get to go in there for five minutes. It's like that, but devastating. And you walk out with $36 and you're like, wow, I'm rich. But your house is destroyed.

They have fast payouts. And nobody knows anything about fast payouts like the Mean Boys know that we need money immediately all the time that we do not have. Perpetual state of cash emergency. Seriously, motherfucker, it's just two business days. Now look, you know who's going to win, right? You're a smart guy. People like you.

You've fucked several times. Lay down some cash and win big today. I don't know that that last one was pertinent to a sports victory. Look, smart people fuck, okay? That's what they do. Okay. Dumb people are going around fucking sometimes. Not as much as smart people. I'd have to do some research on this.

Unless your intelligence manifests as anxiety, as is probably common with our listeners, then you might not be fucking a lot. But let me tell you what you're going to be doing a lot now is analyzing and winning sports betting on my bookie. Now, I would only recommend the service to my listeners. Can you tell when I start reading the copy and when I'm just improvising?

That's correct. Okay. I would only recommend the service to my listeners. That's been good to me. And that's why I'm urging you to make my bookie your bookie. Who's bookie? That's not even in there. I just fucking did that.

Your bookie. Oh, your own personal bookie. Officer money approved. Make you some cash. that you're a bookie. Your own personal bookie. Officer money approved. Make you some cash. Every word for money, none that has the long O sound in it. Reach out and get money. Reach out and get paid, you fuck.

It's right there. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you pulling rank on Officer Money right now? Look, I'm going to take you down to money. This is my last job before retirement, okay, Officer Money, and I'm worried that something's going to happen. I got two kids.

I can't wait. We're going to play this one by the rule book. I'm going to teach these good folks how to make good money, betting on the sports and what have you, the footballs, the baseballs, the presumably soccers, although I can't imagine who. MMA, that's something you nerds probably like. Mama? You going to bet on the Mama? You can bet on Mama. You can bet on the Mama, Mama. You I can't imagine who. MMA. That's something you nerds probably like. Mama. You got better than Mama.

You can better Mama. You can better than Mama. You got damn right, Papa. They have in-game live betting and the most rewarding player perks in the business and an all new mobile site that makes wagering on the go a breeze, ladies and gentlemen. Anywhere, anytime, anyplace. Hey, Nia, get in here. Yeah, Nia.

I'm talking. I'm sorry. I'm doing Monday morning podcast. Call to action. I'm notia, get in here. Yeah, Nia, I'm talking. I'm sorry. I'm doing Monday morning podcast. Call to action. I'm not supposed to read that part. Join now, and my bookie will match your deposit. You get to call to action. I'm calling you to actively delete that from the podcast.

No, you can say it. It's fine. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's fun. It's charming. It's a charming read. And look, I love my bookie, all right? I looked at the website.

It's cool. I feel like you did a couple of cases with me, and now you're getting up to it. I've got a new kid on the force. You got a thing or three to learn about this beat? You replace me fucking... I'll replace your fucking eyes with gunshot wounds. That got dark. All right.

Join now, and my bookie... I'm just trying to make people some money. Join now, and my bookie will match your deposit with an up to 100% cash bonus. Use promo code MEAN. M-E-A-N. M to the E to the A to the na-na-na-na-na-na-N. That's how you activate the offer. As you do that.

So visit MyBookie.ag today. You play. You win. You get paid. Like a ninja. You have the right to remain a cool money guy. One more time for Ed Green, everybody.

Ed Green, ladies and gentlemen. And Ed's going to hang out with us. We're also going to bring Nicole Buchanan back out. Nicole, come on up. Now that everyone's all hopped up on white guilt, let's play a game. Oh, fittingly enough, this game involves the criminal justice system. So we've really got a very thematic show for you tonight. This is a game called You Be the Judge.

I'm going to read you guys about a weird crime, and you're going to have to tell me what you think this person's punishment would be. So I'll take us away with this one. A 64-year-old woman that weighs 325 pounds sat on her 9-year-old cousin as a punishment and killed her. Now, what happens to that lady? You be the judge. I mean, you know, it's easy to make mistakes as a large person. You forget the smaller ones exist. I'm just saying this has happened to me.

Yeah, so don't let Keith babysit. I didn't probably kill a kid. Anyway, Ed, what do you think? I think... Okay, this woman's 360 pounds? 325 pounds. Okay. They should make her, this has got to be the worst punishment ever, okay? Make her eat quinoa for a week.

I disagree. You're so nice. I was going to say salad forever. But you were just like, just a week. She killed someone. I'd rather eat salad forever than quinoa for four minutes. Salad forever, the worst of the salad man trilogy. This is the most basic. Salad was good.

Salad Returns was like dark but interesting. Yeah, Jim Carrey's in that one. This is the fucking stupidest thing I've ever said in my life. Nicole, no one has ever been more of a basic white woman than you when you said, oh, salad forever. Jeez. Hashtag salad forever. What are you going to take away next, my red wine? Tom, how about you?

Any thoughts? I don't know. I think maybe it would be pretty evil if we turned the dead kid into her underwear she has to wear forever. Oh, man. We took such a long jump from what if she ate a snack to what if we turned a toddler into a thong. It's dead already. Stop calling it it. You think the family doesn't want the remains?

What was the gender? Why does it matter? He just got mad about the it thing, okay? I didn't kill the kid. I'm just saying that would be a fair warning for other parents not to, you know, place it near her butt. Imagine we just found out that kids made the softest underwear. Oh, man, you thought softer than a baby's bottom. You guys thought Mack Weldon had your sack dry.

Wait till you try a dead kid's leatherized skin. Honelli. All right. I'm just saying it would be worse than eating salad.

All right? That's all I'm throwing out. Probably. Yeah. And for Tom to say that means a lot. Let's move on. Wait, hang on.

I didn't even get to do one. Oh, yeah. Go for it. Meme Boy's new sponsor, MeUndies. Kid edition. All right. So, yeah, go for it. Mean Boys new sponsor, MeUndies, kid edition. All right, so it's a 350-pound lady who sat on a kid, right? 325.

Her weight goes up every time you bring her up, this poor woman. How much would she wear if the kid was attached to her as underwear? Well, first of all, I don't know how big the kid is. I don't know if you can make underwear for that 325-pound lady out of one toddler. We have a 325-pound lady who sat on a kid. What we need is a 650-pound bitch to even the playing field. Are you available, Keith? Step into Fat Bitch Thunderdome, woman.

I could tell she was excited because all of her chins move independently. That was incredible. You grew another bag under your eyes to keep your joy in. Oh, don't get weird. All right, what's next? All right. They do like you, and it's infuriating. This is what she does.

All right, next up, a Florida man killed his mom's friend when he made fun of his imaginary girlfriend. Now, what happens to that guy? By the way, that thing I said about Tom in the Florida News thumbnails earlier, picture that story as about Tom. Very easy to do. I can definitely picture Tom having an imaginary girlfriend. What happened? Okay, so this guy has an imaginary girlfriend

and his mother's friend made fun of his imaginary girlfriend, so he killed her. Okay. Not his mom, his mom's friend. Okay, I think I got one. Prison should just be an endless series of errands for his imaginary girlfriend. So she's got to cook for him and shit? Yeah, she's got to cook a whole romantic meal.

He's got to do a bunch of shit in prison to press this bitch. He goes in solitary because he forgets his fake girlfriend's birthday and shit. Our anniversary. I have one. I think this dude's birthday and shit. Oh, fuck. Our anniversary. Yeah. I have one. I think this dude's mom has to be his girlfriend now. It's more of a punishment for your mom.

I don't know. Yeah, I realize as I said it, I'm like, wait, who's the bad guy here? Oh, right, the guy who killed his mom. I like the idea that he goes to the funeral and he's got his body pillow, but they put on a black pillowcase, you know, for the somber affair.

I want to hear Tom's idea because you've had an imaginary girlfriend or two, right? No, but that's okay. Several imaginary pets, though. Mostly parents. I say it's only fair that now he has to date the girl

from the first story. I think that... He's got to have someone sit on his face for all eternity. Hey, Two Crimes, One Cup or whatever that movie is.

All right, that's what I've always said. That is an internet clip. I mean, that works out for him. He gets a girlfriend and a kid. Yeah,

and shit. There you go. I do, we shouldn't ignore that Tom thinks Two Girls, One Cup is a feature length film.

We thought that was a 90 minute movie that's a nationwide release. There was a movie called Rubber about a killer tire. Don't make it sound like it's impossible. You guys remember when you all got dressed up and waited until midnight to watch the premiere of Two Girls, One Cup when you were a kid? They ruined it with the special edition. The butthole shot first.

Remember when they ran the trailer before all those Marvel movies? Oh, yeah. Everyone was tweeting. Okay. Moving on. There was a sequel, Three Girls, One Cup. Remember when they ran the trailer before all those Marvel movies? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Remember when it was Sweden? Okay. Moving on. A man... Yeah, there was a sequel, Three Girls, One Cup. Three Girls, One Cup was their sequel?

The sequel is happening in Keith's pants right now. I don't know if you saw those eggs. It's a whole situation. A man in South Texas stole $1.2 million worth of fajitas from the county over the course of a decade. That's the charity Tom robbed. Fajitas without borders? Don't they by definition not have borders?

I don't know. Fajitas? Show your work. We stick the fajitas in his pants and punch him in the dick. Why is my dick up for the fucking debate? I wasn't saying your dick. I was saying the guy with the fajitas.

I was just using you to demonstrate. I'm not saying your dick. I was saying the guy with the fajitas. Oh, you pointed at my dick. I was just using you to demonstrate. I'm not your dummy dick. Guys, let's be honest. He's stolen $1.2 million worth of fajitas. He's fucking them already for sure. All right? He's got a whole harem of bitches made out of grilled onions and bell peppers.

So let's not act like that's a punishment. I don't know what that means. But I think... All right. Sizzling and chiseling. Here's what's fair, right? In one meal, he has to try to eat $1.2 million worth of fajitas. And for every much...

Every much. However much he eats, it is deducted by the amount of money he has to pay back to who he stole the fajitas from. If he eats them all... Justice, baby! USA! USA! USA! Canada! Alright. I do think if he finishes them all, he gets a t-shirt, at the very least.

Can we agree that's fair? Ed, what do you think? Yeah, sizzling and jizzling is the best thing I've heard in this whole game. I had like five rape and murder ones, and I was like, okay, I gotta go to the food crimes and try to lighten the mood a little bit. You got me and Keith on stage.

It's got to be food crimes. All right. We got two more quick ones. A member of President Trump's Advisory Commission on Electoral Integrity was found guilty of possessing and distributing child pornography. Now, what happens to that guy? Guy investigating the fairness of our elections has kiddie porn. I mean, judging by how this year's gone, I guess he gets to be president next. He gets to run a major Hollywood studio.

I think he has to eat a million dollars worth of fajitas. Nicole, what do you think? Were you just thinking about... You zoned out. Were you just thinking about Forever 21 products that you enjoy Man why is anything not pumpkin spiced Alright how did this turn on me right now I think that he

Should have to You should have to go out back and fuck a whole pack of kids Alright you're not topping that I'll move on for you It doesn't matter how many kids there were, Tom Jesus Christ There's 20 in a pack, Tom There's 20 fucking kids in a pack Yo, I got unfiltered kids

They're harsh I roll my own kids I don't want these menthol kids. And menthol kids. Nobody wants to adopt the menthol kids. That's the problem. Someone's out there cornholing the Cosby gang for this guy's amusements.

Ed, you racist. Alright, and finally, a crocodile killed an old lady with dementia that wandered away from her nursing home. What should happen to the crocodile? It should get a reward for cleaning up the town, honestly. Oh my god. This lady turned herself into human litter.

Nothing should happen. I'm not into animal cruelty. If she has one alligator bag, we're even. Oh, shit. Revenge, bitch! If only I knew the ethnicity of the woman or else I could say without almost a fraction of a doubt. You show me an old black woman with no alligator bag,

I'll show you a dark-skinned Puerto Rican, ladies and gentlemen. We feed the kiddie porn guide to the alligator. Oh, yeah! Well, that's a prize for the alligator. Again, I don't think the alligator did anything wrong here. I think this is a real anti-alligator bias we're bringing to this whole situation. I said fuck a whole pack of kids and somehow referring to old people as human litter, by far the most offensive thing.

I say we make the crocodile eat $1.2 million of fajitas. And for every fajita he eats, we don't kill one crocodile. Tom, what do you think a fajita is? It's don't kill one crocodile. I think that's... Tom, what do you think a fajita is? It's like a burrito without the good part. That's a preview of some shit that's happening later. All right, guys. Was I wrong?

Yes. Very much wrong. That's it for You Be the Judge, everybody. One more time for Ed and Nicole. I don't know what it says about me that your crowd likes me so much. I don't know if that's... Yeah, that's bad. That's real bad, Rich.

Rich, I think you won them over because you look like a guy who says the N-word at stock car races. Apropos of nothing, there's not even one out on the track. God, I love you guys a lot. I appreciate each and every one of you. Rich, what is the pineapple on your shirt while they're fucking fixing the mics? What is the significance of that? Someone told me it's a swingers symbol. I didn't know that. I just bought it because it was $8

at Ross. There's nothing about a pineapple that makes group sex seem like a good idea, to be honest with you. It's very spiky. If you are mixing that much semen, you want it to be good tasting, I guess. I've seen a lot of porn. Never once has a pineapple been involved. Not even on, like, some Rule 34 hentai SpongeBob shit.

You're watching the wrong sites, my friend. All right, we found it. All right, we found it. We're going to play a game. Hello, Chuck? Oh, shit, it's back. Thank you for those of you that have made it this far. What has happened in here? I don't know.

Well, Tom, actually, when he gets near electronics, they tend to short-circuit due to the accident he had. Please understand that. We're going to be doing a segment here called Letters to God. There's a website where children write letters to God. Then they post them for the viewing public. And these are all 100% real, written by children. Their names are on the internet

with their deepest fears, which is fucked up. Yeah. And we're going to answer these as God, doing our best to get into that character. Yeah. And we're going to answer these. As God. Doing our best to get into that character. I feel bad about this already. All right. I'll take it away. So the first question for God.

Or as I call them, underwear material. Yeah, I can't imagine why everybody left. Oh, wow. It is aggressively sparse in here now. Yeah, we really did. We really did kind of queer everybody off. I love how we got back on stage. There was no one left in Rich's Lake.

I think your crowd likes me. Yeah. All right, first question for God. Dear God, who draws the lines around the countries? Signed, Neil. Dear Neil, whoever has the most guns. All right, I'll go next. Dear God, please send me a pony.

I never asked you for anything before. You can look it up. Signed, Bruce. Dear Bruce, boys aren't supposed to like ponies. I'm sending your dad a pink slip and a drinking problem. Happy now? No.

Were you, Bruce? Look at his hair. Of course he was Bruce. Honestly, look at his hair. He's the pony. Man. All right. Dear God, is it true my father won't get into heaven

if he uses his bowling words in the house? Signed, Anita. What's a bowling word? To cuss, you dips. Signed, Anita. What's a bowling word? To cuss, you dipshit. Hey, Anita. First, let me assure you that using his bowling words in the house is not going to keep your father out of heaven. But wearing those ugly bowling shirts,

oh, no, I'm just kidding. Those shirts are fun. What will keep your dad out of heaven is pretending to go bowling every week as a cover so he can bang your secret aunt Tiffany. A secret aunt. What a fun runway that had. That's my new favorite porn genre,

secret aunts. Just like wearing fucking spandex and sneaking around. That replaces stepdaughter. The bang Subaru. I gotta fucking fuck you through this weird web of laser beams. Dear God, help me to not wet the bed anymore. Signed, Tom. I keep getting whippings, but I can't stop.

William. Okay, William. Okay, William. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make you really good at fighting. And then you can beat the fuck out of your parents. And you can pee wherever you want. Signed, God.

That makes so much Tom sense. Dude, I pissed the bed for a long time. Never once was I like, I got to fight my dad. How long did you guys stop pissing the bed? Aggressively late. Very early. I'm adjusted. Like 12 or 13?

Yeah. I was like 12 or 13. Damn, son. I remember being three and my parents being like, put on diapers. I'm just not going to shit in the bed anymore. Who shits the bed? A three-year-old. What are you talking about? What do you think kids do? I'll pee in the bed, but I'm going to get up. I also shit the bed? A three-year-old. What are you talking about? What do you think kids do?

I'll pee in the bed, but I'm going to get up to poop. I also shit my bed in the early 20s. I know. Not the early 1920s, my early 20s. I didn't time travel

to take a shit in a guy's bed and be like, away! I also shit the bed for a whole weekend in Oklahoma. Breaking news, Connor shit the bed.

All right. Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Signed, Joyce. Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Signed, Joyce. Dear Joyce, I know, I tried, but your mom got all weird when I told her to fuck that dog.

Keith, you've watched... I'm not telling the dog fucking story again. Oh, well now I feel like people are intrigued. You might have to. One time I had sex with a lady, and she wanted to watch dog fucking while we fucked. That's fine. Yeah, okay, I just needed everyone to know that. So there wasn't even a living dog around?

Hey, two months, you guys want to try that? Dear God, in school where you're at, Thomas Edison made light, but at church they said you did it. I bet he stole your idea. Signed, Donna. That's cute. Dear Donna, I created light

and I created the dark. That's where the monsters that eat gay people live. Sleep tight. But yeah, he did steal my idea. At least he wasn't a pigeon fucking lunatic like that Tesla guy. Yeesh. Oh god, that's funny.

I have so much egg in my eye. Aw. Poor baby. You egg in my eye. Aw. I'm all right. Poor baby. You're up, buddy. Dear God, I love Jesse a lot. But when I told him, he pushed me down and made me cry. Mommy says he must like me, too.

What do you think? Signed, Samantha. Dear Samantha, your mommy is very wise. She's teaching you how to get by in a world run by men, just as I intended. If you're lucky, if you're lucky, one day with her guidance,

you can move to Hollywood and become a famous movie star. Oh, Jesus Christ. Shit, goddamn. Where's the pun and blend when you need one? Oh, yeah. You can't make me play t-ball and not expect to hit the damn thing. Why do you think I sent you that one specifically? Okay.

Dear God, please make me pretty because I think I'm not very smart. Kelsey. Signed Tom? No, it was Kelsey. Oh, shit. Okay. Kelsey, here's what I'm going to do, okay? I'm not going to make you pretty or smart, but I will make you

a whore and that'll get you far in life. Signed, God. I like that your version of God is just like a used car salesman. What's it going to take to get you to stop complaining today? What do I have to do to put black dicks in you

right now for the foreseeable future? Alright, last round. Dear God, I have scary dreams at night. Where do scary dreams come from, or should I ask the devil about that? Signed, Henry. Dear Henry, Hi, it's me, the devil about that. Signed, Henry. Dear Henry.

Hi. It's me, the devil. Glenn CC'd me on this. Oh yeah. God's name is Glenn. Nobody mentions it. Not sure why. Anyway, just wanted to say I had nothing to do with your nightmares. That's all God. Are you really surprised?

Look at all the shit that dude comes up with. This is the man who created volcanoes, kidney stones, and everything that lives in Australia. I'm the Prince of Darkness, but I ain't got shit on Glenn. Yours in Christ, the Devil. Very well done, sir.

When you said Glenn, I thought there was going to be a Danzig reference coming, man. I was a little bummed out. Is it weird that you seem typecast as the devil? That's fair. This is just what you sound like when you just eat cigarettes and ham all day. I only have one voice. I feel like I'd be one of those angel babies. Precious moment.

Okay, please go on. I feel like I'm very harp-ish, you know? I feel like I play a nice tone. You pee in one fountain and you think you're a cherub. I just derailed the entire show for that. Go ahead. All right. The show has been off the rails and in a ravine for a while by now.

Yeah, we're currently doing this while we're drinking fucking filtered rainwater from a grocery bag, hoping that the fire truck finds us after three days. Fending off critters and raccoon AIDS coursing through our veins. Dear God, how come my brother has a pee-pee and I don't? Did you run out of them? Signed, Jessica. Dear Jessica, yes. That's why half of my children must live in constant fear, making pennies on the dollar as they bleed.

Hope the boobs make up for it. I like that we all just agreed, oh yeah, that's right, God hates women. Look, and people, I think, people say God hates women, or people say God is a woman. I think that's true, because that bitch clearly hates other women, alright? Like, I'm gonna be up here fucking getting my pussy licked on a cloud while you guys bleed

all the time and get paid less and people assault you because you wanna be, follow your dreams. Yeah, I'm just fucking listening to heart music on my fucking Beyonce shit. Me too. Alright, Rich Sladen. Dear God, why do people say

you're a jealous God? I thought you had everything. Signed, Jane. Dear Jane, I have to admit I'm a little jealous. See, when I made people, I gave them genitalia, something I don't have. Now, I know that I'm an all-powerful being and can make anything I want, but for some reason, I can't figure this one out. Remember, Jesus was born of an immaculate conception, not a godly cream pie.

Well, we have an episode title. Yes, I'm jealous, because I haven't come since before time began. Those are the worst dinosaur kids movies. Where God jerks off and then a bunch of stegosauruses start crawling out. Like, ah, fuck, put us back in. I should have closed on sad Hollywood. The primordial spooge. Yeah.

Rich, you have your entire career to go back to. You're going to close on sad Hollywood. Sorry. Dear God. I'll start over. Dear God. When I get big, I want to play basketball. Can you make my skin black so I can play better?

And make me really tall, too. Anthony. Of course, I did the same thing with LeBron James. Of course. That Korean girl, LeBron James? Okay, I was hoping that last one would be funny. No, LeBron James folded 1,000 paper cranes, and then God made her into a black man. Get into weird Asian God.

That's it for Letters to God. One more time for Rich Slade. Thank you very much. All right, and before we bring the Lolitas up and close out the show, we're going to do the same thing we do at the end of every Live Mean Boys, which is play the Tom Goss lightning round. Now, for those of you who aren't in the know, Tom Goss has a very horribly stupid way of explaining most concepts in the world.

He referred to swans as sexy geese one time. He referred to the devil as edgy god. So we're going to throw some concepts at him and then see what he can do with them. Keith, you want to take us away? Sure. You ready, buddy? No, let's do it. Three, two, one, go.

Deviled eggs. Deviled eggs. Oh, stuff your uterus. Three, two, one, go. Deviled eggs. Deviled eggs. Oh, stuffed you uterus. All right. Nuclear war. Oh, boo-boo bye-bye country. Antarctica.

Oh, sadder Australia. Green day. Oh, sad guy, fat guy, makeup music. Bricks. Bricks? Oh, oh, um, uh, uh, uh, grown-up Legos. Cucumbers. Oh, um, uh, uh, sassy zucchini.

Lizards. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, speed snakes. Diamonds. Um, um, uh, bragg. Diamonds. Raggedocious rocks. I'm mad at you. Gasoline. Oh, boom boom juice. Oh, of course.

That could have also been burritos. I mean, these are very loose definitions. Tom, pantyhose. Puffy shorts? I'm not sure what they are. Harvey Weinstein. Rape the movie. Cancer. Old school AIDS.

Fog. Downclouds. Downclouds. All right, Tom. Monocles. Monocles? What's... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Half glasses, right?

Yes. Okay, yeah. I'll go with that then. Kazoos. Kazoos? Oh, Lazy Boy trumpets. All right, Tom. Name seven politicians.

Okay. Hillary, Trump, Kim Jong-un, Obama, Leslie Knope. Fuck. The guy who got AIDS and died in Harvey Milk. Those are the same guy, Tom. No, wait, Harvey Milk didn't die of AIDS. Oh, he got shot, that's right. Doesn't matter.

Tom, name seven things you can find in Africa. Okay, trees, sand, water, actually no, rocks, AIDS, sky, animals that'll eat you, and shit. Guns. Okay, Tom, name seven reptiles. Okay, lizards, snakes, turtles, chameleons, bats. No, straight. No. Straight up no. I'm going to say tarantula.

Also no. And fucking Dick Cheney. I don't know. All right, this is the last one I have. Tom, 30 seconds on the clock. Name seven breakfast foods. Oh, burrito, sandwich, scrambled eggs, deviled eggs, bacon, bacon-wrapped cheeseburger, and orange juice. All right, Tom, the final one.

I need you to name seven bodily functions. What do you mean? Like breathing, like things that your body does. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Shitting, pissing, cumming, popping zits, bad gas, sleep apnea, and cancer? Ladies and gentlemen, the Tom Goss lightning round. That is it for us. So we're going to close out as we always do on the count of three. Answer? Ladies and gentlemen, the Tom Goss lightning round. That is it for us. We're going to close out as we always do. On the count of three, everyone say it with us.

Fuck everything. God is dead. One, two, three. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. Outro Music