Mean Boys - EP 87 - Private Applebee's

Episode Date: October 31, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Bill Nye & The Fudge Lord”, “Ghost Dave”, "The Frankenstein", "Screamo Song or Giallo Movie" and a game of "Which of the Following" with things Tom has said on the podcast by Ethan Becker. Get the new Misfits t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Visit our new sponsor My Bookie for all your gambling needs! Use promo code "MEAN" when you add funds for an up to 100% price match: www.mybookie.ag Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Keith and Connor and Tom for the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up guys? We got a great fucking Halloween spooktacular for you. A Halloween spooktacular. Oh, you'll be Halloweening with laughter. Oh man, if you like good podcasts, you gotta check this one out. Get ready for a round of which of the following? Oh, we should have done that when we actually did it. Oh, the Mexican spookoff.

Woo! Ay, so creepy. Ay, so problematic if you take it the wrong way. Hey, I was trying to get past that. Me too. Feel free to chime in any time, Tom. I like how you said we don't want to be problematic as we were doing Mexican guy voices.

I'm the totem pole. Yeah, I lost what the problem was. What's not explained? You can also read 31 spooky jokes for kids on my Twitter timeline if you haven't already. Thank you for checking it out. Apologies to anybody who was looking for Graham Elwood. He'll be back soon. He got sick before we recorded, so wish him well.

He is not here. It's a great show. Just the boys. Just Connor, Keith, and Tom. We haven't done one of these in a while, and this was really fucking fun. If you like the B-52, man, is the middle of this show gonna blow your dick off. Oh, man. It was a great, great... You'll listen. And if you don't like the B-52s, man, is the middle of the show going to blow your dick off. Oh, man.

It was a great, great. You'll listen. And if you don't like the B-52s, you are stupid. Indeed. Yeah, and if you guys haven't already, today is the last day to get in for the rewards for the October Patreon. We got some Tom Guys, What Would Tom Do? keychains going out to you guys.

And can I tell you what Tom would do is get that keychain. Oh, shit. We also got some pretty dope-ass Patreon content dropping this week. I think we can tease. We're going to be doing a read-through of... I don't want to say exactly what it is, but here's a little something we've been writing together. Yeah, if you've been a fan

of maybe some of the characters from the podcast for a while and were wondering what that would sound like as a TV pilot, maybe get on Patreon immediately. Because we want to hear what you guys think about it. So we're going to be doing a read-through of some friends of the show, Opie and Nat, maybe get on Patreon immediately. Because we want to hear what you guys think about it. So we're going to be doing

a read-through of some friends on the show, Opie and Nat, so go check that out. Or if you want to do a nice, easy, free thing to help us out, and if everyone who listened

did this, we'd be doing fucking dollop review numbers. So leave us a review on iTunes. This review comes to us from Wumpus1. He writes, call a student here.

So I'm sitting in my classroom with three other people. I'm trying to do a test review while listening to this fucking podcast, and I keep having to stop in order to physically hold my mouth shut so I don't explode in laughter. It's good stuff, is what I'm sitting in my classroom with three other people. I'm trying to do a test review while listening to this fucking podcast, and I keep having to stop in order to physically hold my mouth shut so I don't explode in laughter. It's good stuff is what I'm saying. Thank you. You're going to drop out for sure.

I like that all our positive reviews have this weird antagonistic energy to them. You ruined my real life. Listen, you cocksucker. I enjoy your art. The show is also brought to you, as always, by Don Carlos' Talker Shop in La Jolla, California. The finest Mexican food money can buy. The finest! Yes! Well food!

What? Well, no. Did you say well food? Well fooded. Go to eataburrito.com for all your San Diego regional burrito needs. We are also sponsored by Studio Headphones out of motherfucking Sweden. You ever seen anything bad come out of Sweden? No.

The answer's no. Maybe that rape is from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but other than that, I don't think so. Yeah, but you know who else came out of Sweden? The girl with the dragon tattoo. She was pretty great. Yep. So what I'm saying is if you want to be a feminist icon, go to StudioHeadbones.com. They look great on a motorcycle while you're delivering street justice and hacking.

Yeah, and they're efficient. They're great. They work awesome. They also look cool as shit. We're walking the Regents. Those are the premium on-ear model. They got Bluetooth. They're great. They work awesome. They also look cool as shit. We're rocking the Regents. Those are the premium on-ear model. They got Bluetooth. Bluetooth.

Bluetooth. I have these old, wearing these old caveman pieces of shit just jealously staring at Cotter and Keith right now. Yeah, we're going to have to check you soon. Don't ask. Yeah, you're getting headphone cuck. Studio sex. Just sex.

Just pouring out of their ears right now. If you want ears full of sex, just come, just pouring out of their ears right now. If you want ears full of sex, just come down to the ear hole. Go to the link in the show notes or on the homepage of our website, MeanBoysPodcast.com, and use promo code MeanBoys15. If you want to send us a game or anything else or just say hi or whatever, go to MeanBoysPodcast.gmail.com, drop us a line, or the contact

page on our website, and also leave us a fucking voicemail. We had a pretty batshit barrage of voicemails, so if you got any weird moral quandaries, leave us a voicemail at 304-805-MEAN. That is 6-3-2-6 for all you fucking simpletons out there.

Yeah, alright. With that out of the way, enjoy this week's episode of the Mean Boys Podcast. With us. Boo. That's a Halloween noise. Hi, and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Remember, you don't like us, you like the idea of us.

I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... A bouncer at a trash can fire. Oh, hell yeah! Yeah, nah, you're looking for the recyclable club. Bitch, you don't burn those bottles. Yeah, we're trying to keep the ratio of raccoons to people.

Disgusting. Yeah, yeah. Adequate. So, yeah, we got a line. Yeah, it's a rare Just the Boys episode. Just the Boys. And boy, what a day for the boys it's been. Yeah, let's tell a tale.

Is it because we're back in town? That is where we are. That's part of it. The current location of the boys. We cannot stop the boys are back in town debate again. I looked at back in town and I saw a big sign that just said, you are here. I was like, oh, well, we're the boys.

That clears that right up. Guys, we got to get going here because we got to be down at Dino's Bar and Grill pretty soon. So Keith and I are on the patio. So just a quick bit of setup. Through very vague explanation so as not to get us in any legal trouble.

I don't know how much we can really get in, but yeah. Yeah, we don't totally pay all of our utilities at the Pacquiao Palace. Our water and electricity are just kind of on. Nobody's asked us for money, and we haven't thought to correct that. No, we haven't really looked into it. A roommate slash buddy of the show,

Opie, was like, water and power's been coming by, so keep the gate locked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and then we had a great exchange because he was like, because I'm black, and the city being in here is not great for me. He's like, Ramsey's Palestinian.

We all got kicked out of shit. I'm like, well, I'm white. I guess I'm Irish. Then he also goes, look at you. You're squandering your whiteness. Then he's like, wait, Keith, aren't you Samoan? You're like, yeah, a little bit. He's like, lock that gate. Lock the gate.

That was our morning. This is like 9 a.m. And he's like, lock that gate. Lock the gate. So that was our morning. This is like 9 a.m. And then right around noon, we're sitting outside, you know, enjoying coffee, planning out the day. And then I see a van pull up, a water and power van. And then Keith is like smoking, got his headphones out. So I just like punch him in the arm. I'm like, cheese it. It's water and power.

And then we bolt into the kitchen while the guy goes, water and power. And we're just like, I don't hear nothing. And we're just hiding in the back of the house. And guy goes water and power and we're just like and we're just hiding in the back of the house like what do we do what do we do and then wait and you keep hearing muffled water and then opie's like water and power's here what the fuck wait you said cheese it and then we're all just like laughing and like trying to be quiet and afraid meanwhile tom has arrived outside i'm just hanging out in front i'm like oh i'm not gonna tell him to open the gate now. There's water and power here. He understands poverty. He knows it's not good.

I don't know if he knew. So he's like, all right, go with Tom. Tom's got to come in real quick because we thought the van was gone. We go outside and I'm like, yo, Tom's coming through the sewer tunnel. And he's just like, oh, yeah, you guys worried about water and power? No, you came out like you were going to smuggle me back into America or something. It was very, very panicked

energy. The, absolutely. The van was already... I waited until they drove away, because no one's a G. No water and power get in that gate when I'm on deck. He knew what to do from minute one. You operated perfectly. Yeah, I pretend I was just taking a break from driving, checking my phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give him a good nod, a good tip of the hat to you, sir. Good day. Everything's fine. I pay for my utilities. Enjoy your power from water and power. God, has there ever been a more effective commercial for our Patreon?

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Help us avoid being destroyed by the city. Yeah. Oh, God. Man. But yeah, so that's how we started out our morning was paranoia and cheesing it. By the way, this was not something I said to be funny in the moment.

My legitimate thought was, cheese it. It's watered down. Just say it. And by the way, this was not something I said to be funny in the moment. My legitimate thought was cheese it. It's watered down. Connor looked afraid. Like, yeah, I don't have whatever $3,000 we owe the city of Echo Park. You edgy Mormon teen. Cheese it. What do you say when you got to get out of somewhere? Fuck!

What am I going to say? Scram? Scram is the cheese it of things. Cheese it. I mean, I feel like that communicates urgency more than any of the other fucking verbs I could have picked. Yeah, you never hear, if you hear Cheez-It, you're like, something has gone awry. No, I go, oh, that sounds delicious. Where?

Let's go find the Cheez-Its. It's also like, we got to get out of here. Those are precious. That's precious syllable time that I didn't have. I needed to tell Keith. What about move? I think that. But move is like move where?

Well, Cheez-It implies that we're running away from an authority figure. Here's the thing. I didn't struggle for a second to know what he meant. You're supposed to say fire because you say rape, no one does anything. Yeah, this is my water and power whistle that I got. Rape, it's water and power. Hi, we're from the Department of Water and Rape. That's what they're doing to me with my own tax dollars I don't pay.

Oh yeah, I'm paying your salary so you can come try to get the money that I owe you. Wow, thanks a lot, capitalism. I'm waiting for a brick to come through my window, just like a water and power stationery wrapped around. Just a rubber band. It's like, yeah, we know what's going on, alright? We left the bulk cutters at home, but'll be back we control the pipes yeah and then uh yeah then there's a conversation about we have to try to commune with the gay guy that used to live in my room to see if we can get him to come turn the water back in because that's a skill that i guess he has and i'm like this is just so fucking complicated yeah like i feel like i live when the fucking uh what's that

from the movie oliver what's that fagin's workshop full of like misfits and we're just like oh i like it because we all just get money from stupid shit so it's like yeah oh ramsey picked the pocket of a lord and now we can afford bread oh keith dressed like a goblin for 120 dollars oh connor did a college show hooray we can have heat this month. Yeah, Tom did a show where you do eight minutes and then fight a kangaroo. Oh, he stabbed a boy after the picking went awry.

Yeah, yeah. So, anyway. We live in a fucking stupid, silly, artistic dungeon of our own creation. And it's amazing. Would you guys fight a kangaroo? Because that would be

fucking terrifying. I have no quarrel with the kangaroo community. How much money is on the line? Because I kind of feel like I'm like, what are they going to do, really? They will kick your chest in. Yeah, they'll kill you. Well, I feel like I could strangle him, and he might bite me, but I feel like I could cut off his windpipe.

Well, they got claws, dog. Oh, they got claws. Well, yeah. Do you not know about... So the reason they kick you like that... Oh, because they can scratch you. Yeah, it's basically what... The reason they punch is they try and grab you, and they get the claws from the feet into your stomach and tear you open. They have a very Muay Thai style of fighting, actually. Yeah, it's basically the reason they punch is they try and grab you and they get the claws from the feet into your stomach

and tear you open. They have a very Muay Thai style of fighting, actually. Oh, maybe like if I had a baseball bat, I feel like I'd still stand a chance.

Fucking hippity hoppity Krav Maga. They have two. Their legs, they're very, very strong. With a baseball bat, you got some reach on you. Yeah, because I mean,

I'm a fucking long dude. Yeah. I don't think he's going to grab my bat and disarm me. No, I think they'll just kick you. Reach into his pouch and pulls out a gun. Yo, that don't think he's going to grab my bat and disarm me. No, I think they'll just kick you. Reach into his pouch

and pulls out a gun. Yo, that would be Oh, shit, kangaroo run! I said water and power, bitch. Yo, cheese it. It's the rules. Cheese it, kangaroo

jack. No, it's iced tea. It's a kangaroo man from fucking Tank Girl. Yo, we got to watch that movie together. We still got to do the Tom Goss movie

commentaries for Patreon at some point. I just got to figure out how to do that. Yeah, we'll get it done, but Tom Tom that movie together for Tom. We still gotta do the Tom Goss movie commentaries for Patreon at some point. I just gotta figure out how to do that. Yeah, we'll get it done. But Tom Tom and Terry's are coming soon. Yeah, definitely. Hey, man, fuck it. We're all fired up. Let's get into the Mexican joke.

Ay, so topical. This fucking party. I'll take it away this week. Oh, okay. I feel like Connor usually has to. I'll bite the bullet this time. Thank you. Let's do this one that I wrote this morning.

Allegations surfaced of Kevin Spacey sexually forcing himself on a 14-year-old boy. Find out more in his upcoming film Baby Piledriver. On a related note, Kevin Spacey has been accused of raping actor Anthony Rabb when he was 14. Spacey issued a confusing statement saying, in my defense,

the last time I exploded a baby, it got me 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. Pole dancing became an Olympic sport. Twerking The last time I exploded a baby, it got me 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. Pole dancing became an Olympic sport. Twerking and hand jobs will be under consideration for 2024. Ooh, wow. A fiery salvo of opening. I was waiting.

Like, how are you going to tie Kevin Spacey into a pole dance? No, here's what I was thinking. I was like, what movie does Tom think Kevin Spacey was in that he had nothing to do with? You know Kevin Spacey, the girl from Showgirls. Oh, here's one we haven't done in a while. This is one of the early Tom Lightning Round precursors. Name seven Kevin Spacey movies. Go. Baby Driver.

Okay. Baby Pile Driver. The Usual Suspects. Fargo. Nope. Fuck, I think that might be it for me. Oh, the bag movie. Beautiful.

Beautiful bag. Fuck, I don't remember what it's called. It's called Beautiful Bag Fuck. American Bag. American Beauty. American Bag. Well, the episode's been titled. American Bag.

American Bag. American Bag. That's a documentary about Courtney Love. American Bag. Somebody please Photoshop the American Beauty poster, but just call it American Bag. Yeah, 100% do that. I haven't seen that many movies with him. Yeah, he's in a lot of great movies. Also, One Unwilling Child.

Was he in No Music Town Thing? some great movies, though. No Music Town thing. You think of Footloose and No. No Music Town thing. Wait, who was in Footloose? John Lithgow and Kevin Bacon. Welcome to No Music Town. Oh, Kevin Bacon, yeah. Population of fucking no dancing.

Kevin Bacon and Kevin Spacey, I always mix up because their first names are Kevin. Oh, okay, that's why. Interesting. Yeah, it's the only reason you possibly would. I'm just proud I can track the logic on why I mix those two up. My dad opened for Kevin Bacon's band when I was a kid. Oh, shit. The Bacon Brothers?

Yeah, the Bacon Brothers. Yeah. They're pretty good, actually. How is the Bacon Brothers not what me and Tom are called? That's your fucking ECW wrestling crew. Bacon Brothers. Alright. Former president and current animated skeleton George H.W. Bush was accused of groping a female reporter.

In his defense, everybody knows a Bush boy can't resist invading Iraq. Oh, well played. Damn. That's a hell of a pun. A Bush boy. Bush boy. That's a hell of a pun. That's very good.

That's a good pun. I was pretty happy with that. All right. Saudi Arabia has announced it will allow women into sports stadiums. Stadium goers were nonplussed, saying they're still going to overcharge you for little cups of acid once you're inside. I was real worried that one would play or not. You can buy the cheap acid in the parking lot. Yeah, yeah, we're going to pregame.

Get your acid. Can't keep them in their place without the acid. Guy pulls out a little flask and he's like shaking it up. This is an old one. A surfer died while trying to surf away from hurricane irma from heaven charles darwin winks at the camera and drinks a dose eckley dose ecky's god damn it never mind if it makes you feel any better it also wasn't good you know i knew it wasn't i thought i wrote uh five and i wrote four uh yeah that'll happen to the best of

us very smart to put it in early so you could hopefully redeem yourself. A man was beaten to death in the parking lot of a Popeye's chicken. EMVs attempted CPR, but sadly he had Louisiana passed. Keith is on a hot streak this week. Yeah, you really are, dude. You're all full of piss and songbird. I was like, God, I hope they've seen that commercial. Yeah, you really are, dude. You're all full of piss and songbird. I was like, God, I hope they've seen that commercial. Yeah, yeah. A man dressed as Santa Claus shot three people at a Halloween party in Austin, Texas,

which is absolutely disgusting. At least wait until after Thanksgiving. All the victims' names were on the naughty manifesto. That might have been a joke I had to burn now. No. Massachusetts police have been attacked continually by wild turkeys. Law prohibits them from shooting at the birds since they're technically white meat. Oh.

That's not bad. All right, all right. All right, I have respect. Simon Cowell was hospitalized after tumbling down a flight of stairs. Randy Jackson remarked, quote, yo, dog, I know you tried your best, but you fell flat at the end there. That's pretty fun. That's the best fucking Tonight Show joke of 2003.

Yeah. These are a lot of like early Bush administration killers. Oh, dude, that's my whole shit is because I just fucking I moved out of my parents' house. I don't have a television. I'm not up on pop culture

in the slightest. Oh, I have no idea what anything is going on. I found out about Kevin Spacey from a text from you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have never you. I'm still not sure if you know who Kevin Spacey is. He's the Kevin with the better face.

We're making fun of you. The better face? No, the Kevin Bacon? Kevin Bacon is a sexy bitch. Kevin Bacon's hot as fuck. We were on the patio earlier and Keith was like, yeah, that one guy's a rapist, Carl Spaceman. Hello, I'm Carl Spaceman.

Carl Spaceman. One small finger for man. One giant Twitter moment for mankind. Yeah, I felt bad because my first reaction should have been like, that's terrible for this guy.

Very great that he told his story. I'm glad that this is coming out. But it was like, oh, not for this guy. Very great that he told his story. I'm glad that this is coming out. But it was like, oh, not Kevin Spacey. I love that guy. Well, you're bugged, too, because you like Star Trek and House of Cards. Oh, I'd way rather have more Star Trek than House of Cards. I'm fucking stoked on House of Cards. Well, good.

And House of Cards has sucked for a while, and rape is bad. So everything worked out great is what I'm saying. Yeah, I don't care about anything he's done. You should maybe care about this. Well, no, I care about this. I know, I'm kidding. You also I don't care about anything he's done. You should maybe care about this. Well, no, I care about this. I know, you also don't have to. Let me put it this way. He has not produced anything I want to watch.

Have you ever seen Seven? Oh, he is good in Seven. All right, this is sad again. What a tragedy. A woman was arrested for killing her husband in an attempted YouTube prank for their video blog, where she tried to shoot a book he was holding in front of his chest, then hit him in the heart and killed him. Finally, a YouTube comedian that gets comedy. Very true. I'm obsessed with some shitty YouTube stars, because there's this 19-year-old guy named Mr. Beast like got he's like a millionaire like he put all his money in bitcoin and he told me about it just

did a video where he's like yeah i just bought like the most expensive sports car possible i fixed my mom's entire house and like in his videos all the time he's just like i'm not funny the only people that like me are little kids you guys are stupid he puts no effort into editing anything he's just like yeah i don't know i had a couple like decent ideas but i fucking suck at this this is terrible and i'm just like fascinated by this guy and he's just like yeah i don't know what i'm i took the world's longest uber ride i guess like i fucking love that guy he just and i'm like okay i'm glad you have a million dollars for no reason i can't dig the youtube videos trying to be funny also they're morons. Looking at the description, so many details in the setup for this

YouTube break where they're like, we shot through the book beforehand and it was fine. One of the funniest things that's happened in this house wasn't Rams. He walked into the kitchen completely broke and he's like, I just found out my brother's in a top YouTube channel with a million subscribers.

He goes into work 80 hours a week and then do auditions on his lunch break and not eat and never sleep and just die when he's 35. It's the entertainment version of my brother's a doctor by now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, oh, God. I watched all their videos. I don't get any of them. All right.

Final round. Saudi Arabia became the first country to grant citizenship to a robot. Saudi officials say the android will fit well in the Middle East because he also knows what it's like to trade blood for oil. There's my other 2003 crusher. Yeah. Oh, man. If only we had a dumbass in the presidency now. Oh, man.

Not like this big winner we got. Oh, woke Tom over here. It was the sarcasm. The sarcasm. The sarcasm. The sarcasm. Yeah, that's that Pip Boba fat died in. Yeah, that's that ravine that I keep falling into by not understanding things. The sarcasm.

I just want to point out for the listening audience, whenever we do an impression of Tom, we scratch our face because that's what Tom does. But Tom just started doing it like he was mocking himself and realized, wait, I'm the victim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. Vladimir Putin inaugurated a monument called the Wall of Grief to victims of the Stalinist purges of the late 1930s.

The designer of the tribute also worked on the FDR Ching Chong Oopsie Daisy Square and the Kevin Spacey Age of Consent sundial. It's 18 somewhere. It's 18 somewhere It's 18 somewhere That's rough That's real rough Like a regular Jimmy stuff it That's not even a Jimmy Buffet song I thought we had one more after this I think we only did four jokes

No this is the fifth Oh shit okay Because I accidentally burned my sixth one Yeah Zookeepers in Berlin think that sex will cure a young panda's habit of only walking backwards. The zookeepers also think its shedding will reduce

after the zookeeper's face fucked the bear. You just wanted to say face fucked the bear. I did. I did. And look, nobody enjoys the phrase

face fuck a bear more than me. Yeah. A bear who occasionally enjoys being face fucked, but I still don't totally get the joke. Well, yeah.

Here's the thing about that article. I read it, and I thought they'd explain how they think the bear would stop walking back, and they didn't really explain it. They're like, well, we haven't fucked the bear. No, she's going to fucking push back on it, so he hits the back bear walls.

Back of the cave. Back of the cave. The bee spot, if you will. He's going to get stuck in there like Winnie the Pooh. Yeah, I'm like, oh, bother. He's fisting a bear and he's just like, oh, well, you're smart. How do I get out of here? Winnie the Poop shoot.

Winnie the Poop. Oh, fuck. I just had something. I was like, what were we just talking about? Fist fucking bear. Oh, one of the great moments in mean boys fans meet my regular friends history was when death of the Phil

started mansplaining face fucking on one of my Facebook comments or maybe it was Keith's Facebook I don't remember but I remember

it was like very correct very detailed and he's like well actually well actually that was pretty awesome

yeah he talked about fucking taking a dick the way most idiots talk about Doctor Who well yeah

yeah the earlier seasons are better. I have one more joke. What are you, Kevin Spacey? You know what's crazy with all that pedophile news? My brother actually

fucking busted a pedophile ring and the way he did it... This just hit my fingers. So you robbed the charity, your brother busted a pedophile ring. Wait, what? See, now I know you guys don. You better really. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, now I know you guys don't listen to me. No, he.

Yeah, we don't. Yeah, he told us about that on the live show. The pedophile ring? No, the charity. I know about the charity. I didn't know about the pedophile ring. The pedophile ring. Well, yeah, that's the ring that you give the 14-year-old to make him promise that they won't tell anybody.

Jesus. That's an impurity ring. The pedophile ring. No, fucking some dude was interviewing because he interviews people who want to become cops. And they were going to say pedophiles? No. And they were like, the guy was a teacher and shit. And everything was going great.

And they were laughing together and stuff. Well, for him. And they're all kicking it. And then at the end of the interview, my brother was like, by the way, do you ever watch child pornography? He was like, maybe a long time ago. What? Then my brother was like, how long ago? He was like, oh, probably ten years or less.

What? It was an accident. How much less? Nine years? Yeah. It was like that. Then my brother was like. Child porn is one of those things you can't accidentally see.

That's what my... I went on 4chan in my entire childhood. I never saw child porn. I saw it like once by accident on 4chan. Yeah, I can see that. It got deleted like immediately. Well, I'd never gone on B. Well, my brother's next question was like...

You went on the rest of 4chan? I went on R9K. It's like B, but not stupid. It has an algorithm, which actually is pretty genius, where you can't post the same thing twice. Oh, that's fucking genius. So you kind of have to have a little bit higher level of discourse. But anyway, Tom, sorry. Yeah, I just forgot on B.

Well, then he was like, well, how did you accidentally stumble across it? And he was like, oh, I just found some accidentally. And he was like, well, you actually have to do a lot of work to be able to access it. And the guy divulges it. Pretty much the guy had Sheldporn on his phone during the interview oh my god how did this guy like what and they connected it to like a bunch like to other people they brought down that's like when the cop is just like i like

like i like i had this thing where a cop came to my door after i'd like i guess i like almost clipped some guy or something but which i still feel like was bullshit. I still think this was just an old guy with nothing to do that wanted to ruin my day. But yeah, he shows up, and he's like, yeah, this guy said you were driving recklessly or whatever. He wrote that new license plate. And I was like, okay. And he's like, are you high right now?

And I was like, no. Does that ever work? I was not high, but is anyone just like, well, you got me. Oh, darn. Yeah. But yeah. No, it was one of Oh, darn. Yeah. Well, yeah. No, it was one of the biggest, because the guy was a teacher. He was a school teacher.

That's not a good guy to be a pedophile. Yeah, but how about the easiest way to fall into one of the biggest pedophile bus of fucking all time? Anyway, I just thought it was a crazy story. It's not really funny. You know, the pedophiles, they always work in a profession around kids. If I was a pedophile, I'd be like a hospice nurse for old folks. Yeah. I'd go in the other direction.

Yeah. I've never thought of what I'd do if I was a pedophile. No, if I was a pedophile, I'd probably just, like, get therapy or something. There you go. But barring that. There we go. Yeah. Well, hey, if there's any pedophiles that listen to the show and we want an anonymous

interview over the phone. Yeah, well, I think that'd be interesting. Yeah, that's true. We probably have some non-acting pedophile fans. Let's be honest. If we do, leave us a voicemail. Yeah, we'll talk to you. Because the non-acting pedophiles,

I feel bad for them. Yeah. I hope he just walked by the window. Yeah, yeah. Just any overhearing pedophile conversation. Because there are people that I know that this is fucked up, and something about me is broken that I feel this way.

And I'm like, I have a support group. And what makes me mad is they crack down on support groups. And it's like, these people aren't trying to figure out where to buy the shit. They're just like, hey. Yeah, trying to figure out how to not. Saw a hot eight-year-old. I just went home and beat off.

I'm just looking for a little support. Everyone's like, good job, buddy. I assume. I've never been on these. My take is, don't call them the mean boys. Find some professional help and don't diddle a kid again If anything We've handled pedophile grandpas before

Perfectly Here's the thing as somebody who's answered one awkward Phone call poorly I think we're ready to handle The pedophile crisis in America I think look we're the new Dr. Phil's of the digital age Ladies and gentlemen This story backfires And also like super don't fuck a kid.

Yeah, so like definitely don't. Yeah. All right, we'll be right back. Happy Halloween, everybody. All right, class, everybody, take your seats. Now, tonight is Halloween. I know you're all excited

to get into your spooky costumes and go out trick-or-treating. But before you do, we're going to watch a safety video. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Science rules.

Bill Nye the Science Guy Inertia is a property of matter Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Bill Nye the Science Guy Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill T minus seven seconds Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Bill Nye the Science Guy

Boo! Hey everybody, it's me, Bill Nye the Science Guy Now who's excited about Halloween? Woo! Yay! That's me, Bill Nye, the science guy. Now who's excited about Halloween? Woo, yay, Halloween! That's great, me too. But you know, the world can be a pretty scary place, so it's important to stay safe while you're out haunting your neighborhood for that sweet, sweet candy. Speaking of candy, I brought a friend to help me teach you these tips. Please welcome my buddy, the controller of all known fudge in this world and all worlds beyond, the Fudge Lord.

I am the Fudge Lord. Your harvest festival is a celebration of the fudge in this world and all worlds beyond, the Fudge Lord. I am the Fudge Lord. Your harvest festival is a celebration of the fudge. This is pleasing to the Fudge Council. I am the Fudge Lord. Uh, sure. Now let's get into some do's and don'ts for safe and spooky trick-or-treating. Do make sure to stay in groups. Remember, there's always safety in numbers, so make sure you have a trick-or-treat buddy

and never leave your buddy alone. I am the Fudge Lord. Do not consume the taffy. The taffy is the ancient enemy of the fudge. To partake of the taffy is to fill your meat with entropy. The taffy is creeping death. The fudge is life. Choose life. Choose life.

Choose salvation. Choose the fudge. I am the fudge lord. That's, uh, sure, that's fine. Uh, no, do stay, uh, outside at all times. It's great to knock on doors and get those frightfully tasty treats, but you should never go inside a stranger's house. Now, if someone tries to get you to go into their house, tell a parent or a police officer

right away. Do not be swayed by the tawdry temptations of the licorice. The Twizzler is the rope with which humanity ties its own noose. Escape the gallows of ignorance and breathe deep the spiritual oxygen of the fudge. I am the F lord well i don't know fudge lord i i love twizzlers your love is incorrect the data has been processed and analyzed your affections are misplaced and yours is a path to ruin i am yeah yeah the fudge lord i got it i am the fudge lord weren't you supposed to tell the kids to never eat candy without checking it for foreign objects first? Unnecessary information detected. To question the Fudge is heresy.

Heresy is an aberration and must be wiped out with cleansing fire to ready the fields for the Fudge harvest. I am the Fudge Lord. That's not in the script, man. How did you even get this part? I am the Fudge Lord. The casting director is a friend from college. Wait, where did you go to college? There is but one hallowed hall of education in the Fudge Scape.

It is the great scholarly temple known as Macadamia Academia. Oh, God, you're a pretty intense guy, Fudge Lord. The Fudge is the most serious of confections. The Fudge is all, and all is the Fudge. One would be unwise to trifle with truffles. I am the fudge lord. See my truth. Okay, he's touching my forehead

now. Can somebody please... I can see forever. It's incredible. Every atom of the universe broken down to the smallest level, and the force that binds them all. It's fudge. It's all fudge.

It was always the fudge. How do we not see it before? My life has been a lie. I am the fudge lord. Your science is inadequate. Your god is impotent. The fudge is all. All is fudge.

May your harvest serve as reminder of this. I am the fudge. May your harvest serve as reminder of this. I am the Fudge Lord! And the Mean Boys podcast returns with a new middle segment. An idea submitted by a fan of the show, Brian Cox. Very funny comic. Check him out. It's Halloween. We want to do something a little spooky movie specific. So this is a game called

Screamo Song or Gieallo Movie. Do you guys know what Giallo is? No. I could be pronouncing it wrong. What do you think Giallo is? It's that Come Sail Away singer. That's Styx, isn't it? Yeah, what could you possibly think? Is that the name of the guy in Styx? Is it similar? There's no chance in fuck that Tom knows

the name of the singer of Styx. It's one of those dumb... I'm looking up lead singer of Styx. Either way, you're not correct. Okay, Dennis DeYoung, James Young, Tommy Shaw. None of them sound like Giallo in the slightest. I was thinking of Cher. Let's move on.

Well, that went exactly how I wanted it to. Giallo movies are Italian horror movies. The way you think is just a tesseract of bullshittery Oh, like gelato And Cher is Italian? I don't think No What?

Shut up, Tom They're Italian horror movies from the 70s and 80s They have retarded titles And they're usually just about like boobs and fucking And then just way too much blood Oh, that's interesting Because I love Italo Disco Like after Disco died in America,

they just kept making Disco in Italy. Yeah, Italy fucking ruled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the 70s, and the 80s, because they were just like, we're just going to keep rolling. Dude, the 70s was like

the best decade for movies because they were just like, yeah, we're probably going to die. I don't know. Here's a movie about a cowboy sex slave. Yeah, we had a few years before fucking Star Wars

ruined everything. Yeah. So basically, they both have terrible titles. Oh, by the way, if you want to be bummed out, this is something I thought of on Unpops a few months ago, but Joseph Mengele lived to see Star Wars. What a horrible

thing to realize. I have no idea what that means. Holy fucking shit. Joseph Mengele is the Nazi doctor that just injected boiling water into autistic people's brains and sewed twins together and just did every horrible thing. We're just like, I don't know. Is it science if I see how many of their legs I can make them fight each other with?

This truly is a beautiful future. Even the sons are twins. That is an amazing joke for nobody. Yeah, that's pretty good. Oh, fuck, yeah. So basically, I'm going to run you through some. You got to tell me if these are names of terrible Screamo songs. Or Gelato.

Or Gelato, yeah. First one, Vanilla Fudge. Yeah. Pistachio Nut Fuck. First one, Maybe They'll Gnaw Right Through. So this is a Screamo song or a Gelato movie? Yeah, a Gelato movie. Maybe They'll Gnaw Right Through.

It doesn't feel catchy enough to be a movie. It's a bad title for either, but I'm going to go with Screamo. See, I feel like Screamo, they always have the song titles are always like, this is like a sentence and a half, man. So I'm going to go Screamo. That one is a Screamo movie. Or Screamo movie. That's a Screamo song by a band called City of Caterpillar.

Number two. What? They don't need a whole city. These are going to get weighed down, right, bro? Number two. What about Cocoon Town? the screamo song by a band called city of caterpillar number two what you don't need a whole city oh he's gonna get way very small number about cocoon town never mind not gonna make any of them yep uh no fucking when we were kids we uh we used to find caterpillars in elementary school and we uh we keep them in pencil no we wouldn't eat them we'd put them in pencil boxes and put like leaves and stuff in there so we'd have like we had like secret caterpillars in our on our desk and then the teacher like when he was like all right get out a pencil and i opened the wrong pencil case and she's like hey connor i couldn't open those you have a shitload of caterpillars yeah you have a box of

bugs like you're at tim burton school yeah and she's like yeah you can't do that and i was like okay so we had to all go tearfully release our caterpillars back into the wilderness they all just kill themselves from loneliness yeah one time i caught a grasshopper, and when I let go of it, it flew straight into a car. I like that you were going to say drove, as if the grasshopper got into a Honda. I'm hijacking, motherfucker. But yeah, it hit that car violently. The car was still. I choose death!

Number two, hatchet for the honeymoon. Oh, well, I know about a hatchet wound for the honeymoon. Oh, it's a pussy reference. That's not a nice way to talk about him. Yo, it's caped. I'm going to go. They're the source of all life. I'm going to go movie because I feel like there's a plot based around

this title. That's how every film has ever worked. Right, but not every song. Tom, I hate every time you do your fucking retard Sherlock thing. Well, yeah, and what the listening audience doesn't understand is how fucking pleased

Tom looks at himself for either A, thinking that he has some great logic, or B, just pissing us off with his stupid reasons. Yeah, I always just picture you smoking a pipe and wearing the Sherlock Holmes hat and just like, evidently, my dear Watsky. I'm going to say that's a movie.

That is a movie. That is a movie about a man who can only get a boner by murdering women in wedding dresses. Okay. That guy's probably out there is the upsetting part. Does he fuck that? If you're a non-acting no boner, you're a non-acting wedding boner. Number three, your vice is a locked room and only I have the key. Oh, that's a fucking Screamo song.

God. Yeah, I got to say the same oh that's a fucking screamo song god yeah I gotta say the same the great answer that is a movie that is a movie about a woman who murders her alcoholic husband and owns a cat named Satan dude fuck all right this is this reminds me of like when I when I first went away to she named the cat or the cat name itself she named the cat it's not actually say no it's just a cat but she stabs it. When I showed up to Chino High School in 2007,

like, Screamo bands were doing that thing where it's like, all right, we're going to have like super brightly colored T-shirts, but it's just going to be a fucking massacre scene where a teddy bear

is like fucking eye socket raping the president and then it's going to, the band is called like Lucky Charms Musical Thunderdome. Yeah, the straight edge dumb shit party. And then just everyone just flat ironed their hair and just had the... And I was just like, God.

There was like a two-year window where emo was exceptional, and then it fucking all got ruined. Oh, yeah. This shit happened to my neighbor who I was friends with. He went to high school and just got into all that fucking stupid nonsense. It was the worst. All right, ready? Yeah, fuck things.

Number four, God called in sick today. That's a good opening quote for the show, honestly. Better than mine. I feel like God's taking a vacay for a minute here. God's in Ibiza, just like looking at his phone, just like, nope. Throws it in the ocean, drinks out of a coconut. I knew there was a reason I made these. The worst corona commercial ever.

Yeah, he just looks and he sees the caller ID says the screams of children and he's just like, not now. I don't always choose to ignore the needs of my creation, but when I do I prefer those things. If God's real, he's for sure developing Alzheimer's around now.

Yeah, that'd be funny if God aged, you know, and he's just like, I can't close my hands hard enough to stop the people from kissing. Kissing on Texas. Why is he a British woman? I do one fucking voice, Kate.

I forget my big boy skydivers, and now everyone in Texas is dead. Where's my son? Oh, shit, I poopeded and now ISIS is back. I actually... He poops terrorists.

Every time God poops his pants, there is a terror attack. I love the idea of God only being able to speak one language and it's like fucking Thai or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He can't answer Korean prayers. Yeah. One of the old jokes that every TV show does is like,

oh, the right religion is just a weird one. It's like, yeah, yeah. It's fucking the Methodists. Who knows? It's one of my favorite Simpsons jokes. Which religion is real? It's a mixture of voodoo and Methodist. God called in sick today.

Song or movie? I'm going song Okay We're tied I'm split I'm gonna go movie That is a song That is by AFI

Oh god I like AFI What does AFI stand for? Alien Farm Ants I guess AFI is Ants doesn't start with I You dipshit Okay it's Screamer

You can say it however you want Alien Farm Ants I call them ants I call them ants Let's start with I. You dipshit. Okay, it's Screamer. You can say it however you want. Alien form, oint. I call it. I call it. I call it. Oint, oint, oint. Please watch and fight. Yeah, I guess AFI is from Ukiah.

I think one of our listeners told us that when we went up there. She's like, I'm AFI. Oh, that's right. I'm AFI. Yeah, and I know we have one listener who's a big AFI fan, so that's why I put that one in there. Yeah, it was funny. I got an email from a guy.

He was like, dude, I started listening from the beginning, and I realized that you had left Ukiah like two days after I binged the whole podcast. Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry, buddy. We'll be back up at the NorCal soon. 100%. Yeah, I love that show. All right.

Number five. A lizard in a woman's skin. We're not doing porn comedy overview, are we? Lizard in a woman's skin. This is about Ivanka Trump. I was about to say. I was about to make a Carly Fiorina joke, but I forgot her name. You son of a bitch.

I don't know what move that is. What move? It's a street fighter combo. It sounds like a crazy flying knee. I'm going to say. Carly Fiorina. I thought a move like a dance move. Do the cha-cha twist. Do the Carly Fiorina. I thought a move like a dance move. Oh.

Do the cha-cha twist. Do the Carly Fiorina. Oh, yeah. That's in fucking Dance This Mess Around. The Aqua Velva. The Carly Fiorina. Collude yourself. I don't know.

Friends with Russia. Friends with Russia. Did you just say Red Lobster? It wasn't Red. Lobster. It's not. Lobster. Cheddar Bay biscuits under the dock. Overpriced crab. Here is the soup.

Everyone had a bib. But it wasn't a bib. The Crab Shack is a little crab place where we can dip in butter. Could have gone to Sizzler. Crab Shack, baby. I got the surf and the turf and you mix it all up. You're living in your own private BJ's. Let's just do beef 52's. Let's just do beef 52 chain restaurant parodies for the rest of the episode.

Your own private Applebee's. Your own private Applebee's. Up from the ground with a blooming onion. Let's sit out on the patio. Beware the heat lamps. They get kind of hot. Oh, my God. I'm trying to do kind of hot. Oh my God. I'm trying to do something with Rome.

Oh God damn it. Oh shit. What is it? Rome. Come on. Let's do one more. You guys already covered the two songs I know by then.

Yeah. Rometown Buffet maybe. Something there. Oh, fucking. That was fucking great. Oh my fucking. That was fucking great. Oh, my God. I don't know.

I think we nailed it. I think we're tapped out. Oh, fuck. Your own private Applebee's. That's what Keith has on his vision board. He can buy out Applebee's like when Kim Kardashian takes her kids to Disneyland. Now I can be mildly disappointed in peace. Oh, God.

Didn't we go to Applebee's in Fresno one time? Yeah, we did. I feel like everybody got drunk at an Applebee's. No, no, no. That was a TGI Fridays. We went to a Red Robin together. That's where I got beer milkshakes for breakfast. Red Robin is the best of the Middle American chain.

Dude, I got a Red Robin gift card for Christmas, and I was recently in a situation where I had no money, and I have food stamps out, so I just had to go just eat like at Red Robin by myself. How did you not tell me that's so funny? Yeah, no, dude, it fucking ruled.

And I was like, man, this burger is fucking great. Red Robin, it's well-priced. It's great food. You got Red Robin for your poverty meal? Yeah, well, because I had a gift card

for Christmas that I forgot about. Dude, I remember we went to Red Robin together when we did that. I got a salad and it fucking blew ass and I'm like, I'm an idiot.

Yeah, why'd you get a salad I'm an idiot I should have just gotten a fucking burger nah yeah bottomless fries dog dude they got they got that poutine shit yeah that poutine shit

the only time I've had poutine I was like oh and their poutine is terrible but it's good for Red Robin oh I thought it was great bro I gotta take you to the poutine place we tried remember

it was too much traffic we're gonna go to the poutine place at some point maybe after this show. Spice up your routine, baby. I have no money right now. Okay, well, we'll figure it out. When do we ever have any money?

Yeah, we'll go steal poutine or something. Okay, on full moons? We can make a split one. It's a lot. Oh, man, I'm still trying to find a chain restaurant that's one syllable so I can do a whole moon. I was trying to do that. So a lizard in a woman's skin.

Do we have any guesses? Oh, I'm going to say that's a movie. I'm going to say song. a movie. I'm going to say song. That is a movie. Okay. That is about a politician's daughter who does LSD, goes to an orgy, and kills her neighbor. Jesus. Yeah, Italy rules.

All right, two more. Number six, and the cat turned to smoke. I think that sounds too romantic to be a Screamo song. I'm going to go movie. Okay. I'm going to say that's a Screamo song about a breakup where it's like, we got this cat together, and now it just makes me feel like fire. I killed your cat.

Yeah, your cat sucks. No, it's two pussies I don't have anymore. Did you write down the homework for English class, you whore? Yeah. I'm going to draw a pentagram on my shoes. Oh, God. That's a Screamo song. That is by the band Orchid.

Hell yeah. Yeah, Connor batting a perfect game. You're talking to a guy who has fucking drawn a pentagram on his shoes recently. I'm aware. Do you remember that? Yeah. All right, last one. Oh, and you know what's funny?

This Iranian-English dude I was hanging out with was like, is that the walk of a devil on your shoes? And I was like, no. I was trying to do the Jew one, and I goofed. I'm Jewish. Leave me alone. It's a Jew goof. It was one of them goofs.

I was just embarrassed. I was like, oh, fuck. I forgot I'm 24. I forgot I'm a man now. I can't draw satanic shit on my clothes anymore. Speaking of Jew Goose, I was... Amazing, whatever's going to come next. I was at a wedding recently where it got really weird.

They quoted something from the First Testament. Called the Old Testament, champ. Yeah, whatever. I'm not... I'm not... I'm not Bible-y. You're killing for Opie down the hall. And they say it in Hebrew.

And then there's this positive. I think I'm supposed to spit after I say this. And then the crowd went fucking nuts. It was like anti-Semitic. And it was pretty upsetting. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my family was just like, OK. Yeah. It's Me and my family were just like, okay.

Yeah, it's always when you're just like, oh, I guess I'm the only one with a problem here. I was in the green room with a couple of comedians that remain nameless, but there's a white guy and a black gal, and this guy started quoting this bit that this black comic did and was just using every N-word,

like adding a couple in. Really savoring them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can tell when somebody's doing it to quote accurately and when somebody's really rolling around in it. Who's just like, ooh, I found myself a pass.

Diplomatic N-word immunity. Yeah, and I was just like, look at this black guy. Everyone's like, all right, well, I guess this is happening. I'm sorry. I'm going to try to do my Aquaman boop, boop, boop, boop, boop

to tell them to shut the fuck up, but I don't know if I'll be able to get through. All right. Last one. Murder Rock. Ooh. But it wasn't a rock.

Murder Rock. Lobster. Kinnil. Kinnil. Lobster's got a knife. Lobster's got a knife. He's coming in tight. Uh-oh.

Got the rhythm section going for nothing. Nothing, Jerry. Nothing. Rock Lobster's got a knife. He's coming in tight. Uh-oh. Got the rhythm section going for nothing. Nothing, Jerry. Nothing. Rock Lobster, Jerry. Lobster bit of rocks. It's rock murder? Murder rock. Ooh.

This sounds like a song which makes me feel like it's a movie. So I'm going to say it's a movie. Okay. I'm going to say movie. Counterbat in a Thousand. That is the movie. That is an 80s disco musical about a series of murders at a dance

academy in Italy. Watch the trailer for this movie. Murder at the dance academy? It starts with somebody just counting down in German and then it's just a bunch of unattractive 80s. It's literally just 80s unattractive Olivia Newton-John

fucking leotard dancing. And then they just periodically cut to boobs and then the boobs being stabbed. It's insane. Have you guys ever seen Ice Scream? No, no. It is the absolute worst film. It's supposed to be a horror film. Okay.

And it's about a guy who opens an adult ice cream shop to save the shop. And it's all porn stars are the actors. Oh my God. And it is just painfully horrendous. And Keith, you have to see it. That sounds amazing. You might be the only person on this planet that ends up appreciating this film.

It sounds wonderful. It's so bad. Let's check it out. It's Everybody Goes to Arby's. Yeah, Carter checked out of the show a while ago, and it just made it beautiful mind-pun world. Are you just looking up more B-52 songs at restaurants? Yes.

You fucking asshole. I'm cross-referencing this big picture of fast food chains and also this list of B-52 songs. And, yeah, Everybody Goes to Arby's. It's not a riff. It includes a Google search. Hey, I'm just doing a little... food chains and also this list of beef and 252 songs and uh yeah everybody goes to rv hey i'm just doing a little uh yeah you're right but i mean it was fun i wanted to recapture the magic oh it was pretty magical oh man all right well that's uh that's giallo or scream out everybody the mean boys podcast will be right back after this. Rock Lobster!

What a great song. We got him! We got the Frankenstein! We got the ugly bastard! Alright, I got him all ganged and tied up. Well, let's get him over here. Time to burn him at the stake. Alright, you monster. Your day has come.

I'm not monster. Look at this monster brought back to life, reaping terror across the town. You say you're not a monster, but if you aren't a monster, then what is? I'm not monster. All right, then. Any last words? Not that you can even put a sentence together. I'm not good at talking.

I'm too special. Uh, what? Special. I'm special. Wait. Oh, Jesus Christ. Mother Mary and everything sacred. Mr. Mayor, I think this man's retarded.

Oh, man. No, no, no, that can't be. Why does your head look like that? Data dropped me too much. No, he's fucking green. I bad at finger painting. Well, finger painting is hard. I ain't good at it. I don't believe it.

Monster, tell me, how do teachers grade your homework? Thumbs up, shiny star, gold star, and hugs and kisses. Ah, fuck me, he's retarded. Why are there bolts in your neck? I try to make me a home. Aww. Hey, let's burn him anyway. Woohoo! Yeah, let's

burn him. No. We'll return to the History Channel's A Brief History of Texas after the break. Hey, everybody. It's Connor and Tom here, hanging out with Officer Money to tell you about my bookie. Hey there, everybody. Hey, Officer Money. Oh, I'm sorry. All I get to say is hey there?

That's the respect an officer of the law? That's not money. That is not money. Say more things that are money. Already I feel very slighted by this whole interaction. Nobody's pointed out my Halloween costume. What are you dressed as, Officer Money? Sexy Officer Money.

What did you do differently? Not a lot. I'm already Sexy Officer Money. I'm body positive. But I respect the confidence. Yeah. Anyway. I respect the money.

This guy gets it. This guy. You're ready for the money force. Oh, please give me the money force. Ever since I started this podcast, people have been asking for advice. Really? Really? What have they been asking you about?

Oh, usually it's what team to bet on this week. You got Patriots or Steelers, Chicago or Detroit. Who should they bet on? I got Chicago. Well, let me tell you this. Explain yourself. I like Chicago. Where are you betting?

How's that been panning out for you? We're bad this season. As opposed to every other season ever. Well, unfortunately, on mybookie.ag, you can't bet on crime rates, but you can bet on all kinds of sports. And where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on. So that's why I always tell people to go to mybookie.ag. That sounds great. What do you think, Officer Money?

I think that sounds A-OK. Officer Money, number one, Party City. Oh, man, that's money. I only go to the Party City that Officer Money works at when he's moonlighting from the money force. Hey, what did I tell you about telling people about Officer Party? You told me not to. I apologize. I'll cut that out.

It's an Officer Money number. I'm not going to cut it out. Hey, my bookie's been in this business for years. I will. You better cut out your fucking... That's what I meant. Yeah, like cut it out with euphemism. Like in a fun way.

Like in a flirty way. It's double entendre. You cut out the money. Double's what I meant. Yeah, like cut it out with euphemism. Like in a fun way. Like a flirty way. It's double entendre. You cut out the money. Double entendre. Give it to me. Officer money, right? I'm somehow flummoxed.

It's inexplicably tougher than me. And I'm 90% sure I'm retarded. My buggy's been in this business for years, and the rep is rock solid. That's not retarded at all. They do 100% cash bonuses. What's cash? I think it's a kind of money.

Oh! You're ready. Off the bat, you're making money for doing nothing. And they have the fastest payouts. Seriously, just two business days. You know who needs fast payouts? The Mean Boys. We're constantly strapped for cash. We just turned away a guy from the water and power department because we...

I talked to my friends down at the station, Detective Water and Professor Power. Professor Power? They're very upset with you. Oh, well, you can tell them to kick rocks because I'm going to Ibiza with my winnings. Now, look, you know who's going to win, right, Tom? Oh, yeah. Me. On this website.

Yeah. That seems unlikely. No, this website's great. He's lost on most areas of life and most websites, so I feel like this is the one for him. This is the golden ticket. And it is the best one to bet on, so lay down some cash and win big today.

Now, I would only recommend a service to my listeners that's been good to me. Of course. And that's why I'm urging you to make my bookie your bookie. It could be everybody's bookie. Yeah. It's the world's bookie. You could be in a polyamorous relationship with this bookie.

Hell yeah. Get your dick wet with this's bookie. Yeah. It's the world's bookie. You could be in a polyamorous relationship with this bookie. Hell yeah. You could be. Get your dick wet with this nasty bookie. Go in a big, rich-ass gangbang with my bookie. Hell yeah. That's the only kind of gangbang I have. Money. And I have many. Money-paloozas.

Riches. Yeah. Money-paloozas. I prefer audio tapes. Okay. They have in-game books. Sorry. Officer Buddy has a question.

What the fuck could you possibly mean? Over books. They have in-game life betting. So just to clarify, Tom thinks we've been advertising Audible this whole time. The most rewarding player perks in the business and an all-new mobile site that makes wagering on the go a breeze. Wow, Tom. And a guardian for Tom. You can bet in the cardboard box you're going to be living in soon.

So simple, even a Tom could attempt it. For sure, yeah. So join now and MyBookie will match your deposit with an up to 100% bonus. Use promo code MEAN to activate the offer. Visit MyBookie.ag today. You play, you win,

you get paid. Offer some money. Making that cash. Cha-ching-a-lang. Dang, dang pennies in my pocket. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play a very special game. Our favorite game. A round of which, everybody, let's get into. Which of the following? What the fuck was that?

I haven't done that in a while. Well, because I used to say to close out the show as well, we do it with a round of our favorite game. Which of the following? But then we stopped closing the show with it because we do the voicemails and stuff and the listener emails afterwards. So I fucked up my cadence, and I still haven't found the perfect rhythm. Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that was not it.

Yeah, I kind of do. All you could do is just say the words. You know, you could do it. Say the goddamn fucking words. When have you ever said the words correctly ever? I think I said say the words pretty accurately. You can only do it if you're being mean to me. All right?

And even then, I'm watching you strain to not fuck up. Oh, yeah. I'm trying so hard not to fuck up. There are muscles in your neck I did not know existed. Oh, yeah. Do you remember when we let you throw back from break the two times you did? Yeah. Okay.

Welcome back to Mark Merritt. No, wait. Shit. Okay. This is Talking Wrong with... Oh, wait. No, that was five failed podcasts ago. Yeah, wait, who told you this?

Well, guys, we are actually inadvertently queuing this up very well. This game comes to us from Ethan Becker. Thank you very, very much for the game. Hello, Mean Boys. This is a game featuring everyone's favorite Mean Boy, Tom Goss. Which of the following are not things Tom Goss has said on Mean Boys? Are you serious? Are you serious?

Yeah, motherfucker. I thought we were going to do some Halloween shit. Nothing spookier than your brain damage, buddy. Yeah, you're my favorite monster, dude. Okay. This is a very scary game where we realize who's in control of the narrative of time. Yeah.

What's scary is I don't know if I'm going to remember many of these. That's the point. Yeah, I don't feel like I remember a lot of them. So, all right. which of the following is not something that TomGoss is actually celebrating? How funny is it if I beat Tom at remembering shit Tom said? You might. Hang on, we need to put some sort of wager on this.

Because I just looked at the old TomGoss memes and was like, I don't remember saying almost any of these. And I don't remember the content. Yeah, because I don't either. I was there for a lot of them. You don't have any money, right? No. Uh, God. I want your sword. Yeah, because I don't either. I was there for a lot of them. You don't have any money, right? No. God. I want your sword.

No, you can't do that. No. That's fucked up. Look, my shame will be enough. All right, fine. I gave Tom two-thirds of his sword collection. No one was one of my friends. Thank you.

I feel like we should all have one sword. What do we need? Tom needs them more than we do. What does Tom need them for? He's going to fight off water and and power You don't know about my daylight God that's how we deal With water and power Yeah Tom

Water and power comes back I'm just putting you In a pair of swim trunks No shirt Just walk out And flip flops In a broadsword Yeah did you guys

Want to check something Yeah about how That's your boy You know now I need One of those like Thor hammers I think I'd look pretty good With one of those

If we get a Thor hammer It's fucking mine I'm the only one In the house who likes it If you get Look listeners Put this on my Amazon wish list. Okay, fine, but if anyone gets... A Beta Ray Bill fucking Stormbreaker Mjolnir.

If anyone gets Hulk powers, I got dibs. Wait, what? Okay, I'll be... A. Do you know how creepy it is waking up to a one-eyed cat? B. I don't like shooting people. C. I screamed about killing a nurse in a steak and shake. D. Give me a spoon and I could kill a cat.

When you look at it just flatly on a page without any tone or fucking stuttering. Very unsettling shit, my friend. More context. More context. More context. Oh, fuck. I don't know which one. Neither do I, dude.

I think I know which one. I vaguely remember one of these. Can you just very quickly one more time? Do you know how creepy it is waking up to a one-eyed cat? This is just a Tom Waits song. I think that one's real. Do you know how creepy it is waking up to a one-eyed cat? This is just a Tom Waite song. You know how creepy it is waking up to a one-eyed cat? Down at the steak and shake.

I don't like shooting people. I screamed about killing a nurse in a steak and shake. Or the spoon and kill a cat. Give me a spoon and I could kill a cat. I think it's, I don't like shooting people. I think it's D. Alright, the correct it's D. All right. The correct answer.

D. Tom Goss knowing himself. Ah, shit. I'm going to need at least a fork. I remembered the situations for all three of them. I don't remember saying it, but I remember the context. Tom, you've got a lot of outbursts in fucking weird regional fast food chains. Actually, I think all of those came...

Yeah, I called the guy the N-word because he didn't like Fargo. I was at a Whataburger. It took me four years before I realized I meant Footloose. I think all three of those quotes happened in Indiana originally. Yeah, with Jackie Spaceballs, the guy that touched the dog. Jackie Spaceballs. Steak and Shake was in Indiana. The One-Eyed Cat was in Indiana.

Fucking great cat. Oh, yeah. What was his name again? It was something cute as hell. Fucking, oh, man. Like Peter or Pimpleton or some shit. Pimpleton. It was his name.

It was like Pimpleton or something. Pippins. Pippins. Pippins. That was fucking close. Dip shit. Pimpleton is that rat from Charlotte's Web. He starts turning in tricks.

Pimpleton. Pimpleton at the fair. That deserved more. That was fun. Oh, was's dipshit. Pimpleton is that rat from Charlotte's Web. He starts turning in tricks. Pimpleton. Pimpleton at the fair. That deserved more. That was fun. Oh, it was a bad one. Yo, you want to fuck this cockroach behind the corn dogs? Yeah, shit, girl. Yeah, holla at me.

I don't remember saying. She don't touch the money. I touch the money. Yo, this some terrific bitch. Some terrific bitch. I don't remember saying I don't like killing people, but I don't. And I'm guessing that had something to do with when I was shooting a gun. Pim Brodin!

Sorry. Yeah, I shot a gun in Indiana, so I'm guessing that is allegedly. We are one round in. I shot a gun in Fresno after I went to the naked coffee place. California's Indiana. It's not naked. They have bras. Yeah, they...

Oh, Jesus, Tom. It's also really sad. You sound like you feel like you got ripped off. Well, yeah, you guys oversold that to me. I guess I did, yeah. Yeah, because I was expecting titties. You can't have titties out in the fucking strip mall next to an ROTC learning center and a fucking subway that no one goes to.

Look, I'm about breaking all the rules. What's round two? A, you're calling me downs like the syndrome. B, I've done sports. It's bullshit. C, I throw knives. I'm not trained. Or D, I know a lot of dead people.

Oh, I think I might know this one, actually. Because I know some of those. Yeah, I got to say know this one, actually. Because I know some of those. Yeah, I got to say, these are very bad. This is why I'm so afraid of being framed. Because like... Yeah, dude, I could set you over a lot of shit. Anyone could. Yeah.

Yeah, Tom was eating the water and power bills. Oh, my God. What was B? I've done sports. It's bullshit. And C and D? C and D. I throw knives.

I'm not trained. I know lots of dead people. Okay. I want you to guess first this time. I guess first last time. I know a lot of dead people. I'm also the one who said it. I feel like that's a little.

Abraham Lincoln's a asshole. Yeah, but you don't look confident. I think it's B. That was actually going to be my guess. Are you guys saying B? Yeah. B is correct. All right. Okay. I think it's B. That was actually going to be my guess. Are you guys saying B? Yeah. B is correct. All right.

Okay. I know myself so far. Yeah, I'm pretty impressed. Well, only because I know you like doing sports. Right. Yeah. Yeah, this is not... This is like...

They are bullshit. Yeah, they nailed your cadence. Yeah. Very reminiscent of the Jamar's tweets round. One of my favorites. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. We got to get Jamar back in here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. Round number three. A. Mosquitoes really like me. B. about that. We got to get Jamar back in here. Yeah, definitely. Round number three. A, mosquitoes really like me. B, mosques, brown churches. C, colleges don't generally accept me. Or D, I don't know why there's not a chef named Pol Pot. I think that was a real missed opportunity.

Here's the fucked up thing is these are all probably from a single episode. You said as much preposterous garbage in one appearance on the show. I'm going to say A. I think it's A too. All right. Final guess is A? Yeah. The fake one is A.

We're nailing the top. Yeah, you guys are doing pretty well. Colleges don't generally accept me. Bull pot. All right. Round number four. All Things Tom Hates Edition. A, cats.

I think I know this. B, Benjamin Franklin. Wait, what was the first one? I'm sorry. Oh, these are all things that Tom hates. So A is cats. B is Benjamin Franklin. C is birds.

And D is lamps. I 100% know what it is. All right. So these are all things that Tom has talked about hating. Which one doesn't he hate? Wait. Which one doesn't he hate? Wait, which one doesn't he hate? Yeah. Oh, shit.

I mixed it up. Okay. Cats, Franklin, birds, lamps? Yeah. Okay, I know which one he doesn't hate. Do you want to go first? Yeah, it's birds. Yeah, I like birds.

I feel like this guy made it wrong because the answer is B, Benjamin Franklin. Yeah, because that was what I thought at first. Yeah, Benjamin Franklin, I know he hates. I also know you hate lamps. Yeah, I'm not a fan. Remember, we did that. I'm not a fan of lamps. Well, no, we did a show one time, and it was at this weird art fucking gallery or whatever in L.A.,

and we thought we were doing stand-up, and instead the guy was like, you know what we want to do is we want to have two comics go up against each other. And like, I'm going to give you a random thing and you have to just rant about it for like, uh, for like 45 seconds. And I didn't know Tom this that well at that point.

So it was like, and we had to pick our own opponents and I was like, Oh, I'll go against Tom. That'll be a fun, you know? Yeah. And I didn't know what,

this is the worst hell I could have walked into. And the guy's like, all right, you have 45 seconds. Talk about lamps. And I'm waiting for Tom to have a moment to think.

And he's like, Tom, fucking light monsters! Fucking robots! You're like the Eiffel Tower, but a faggot! Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom!

Just unloaded. And then I was just like, piss. And it was like a thing where you only got to do a set if you won the competition. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Tom aggressively won. To the point where I had to go up to the guy and be like, can I just do something? I ain't get a set. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Tom aggressively won. To the point where I had to go up to the guy and be like, can I just do a set of comedy? I ain't get a set. Oh, really?

Yeah. You were supposed to. You just got a platform for your lamp agenda. I think I told him to just give it to you. Well, yeah. Well, no, I think you, yeah. Jesus Christ, Keith. Yeah, you want some water?

Dude, Keith, you look so gross when you cough, bro. God damn. I think you look good. Sorry, so much spit just went down. Like you look like a butthole trying to sneeze. Let's get all the fart. Yeah, I got pepper on my taint. No, it has to be a shart if it's a sneeze.

Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, that is a butt sneeze is a shart. It's a sneeze. Oh, yeah, that is a butt sneeze. It's a shart. Lamps, look, sometimes are useful. Most of the time, they're bullshit. Negative to lamps. Love birds. Cats, used to hate. Now, it depends on the cat.

Well, the one-eyed one you seem to like. Pippin really changed me. Explain. It was a cool cat. Well, he'd follow you around. Yeah. He'd follow me around. We talked about this when we did the social commentary episode coming back from the road.

It was just an adorable one-eyed cat, you know? Maybe what I don't like is cats with too many eyes. Too many eyes. I mean, cats can have too many digits. I've definitely seen a cat with nine toes on each foot that has like a Shitload attraction Jesus inbred cats. Yeah, there's an inbred cat that hung out my grandma's house and it just had fucking flippers, dude Yeah, no, that's very real. Yeah, you'll see those most animals that are pets are very fucking inbred Anyway, get them from like Petco or right, you know, yeah

Yeah, I mean if you really think about it, pets, like, you get a dog, that's a retarded wolf, okay? They took a wolf several, like, a thousand years ago, like, alright, let's make it fuck its mom so we get a fucking wolf that won't bite us as much and they just kept incest

and fucking the wolves until they were just dar-dar brain-barky, you know. Yeah, Oedipus Ruff. Yeah, exactly. You know what's funny? I was just thinking, like, oh, we finally got off the pattern of four episodes in a row talking about dog fucking. Keith, what happened? I'm good! I heard you had a story

with a dog. Oh, God. Really putting the leash in Comics Unleashed. Yeah, we'll count that as a mulligan round. And honestly, there's so many Tom quotes. I would love to see some more of these sent in to the Mean Boys email. 100%. Because you're not even hitting close to the bottom of the barrel here. So we'll go to round number five.

All real or all fake? It's a well put together game. Don't get us wrong. No, yeah, fake. And this fucking rules. A, P is for pussy. That's good enough for me. B, first you get the

hat and then you get the shirt that talks about the hat. C. I don't think I'm Silver Lake's cup of java. I think they prefer another flavor of java. D. I did this the day after I got high and tried to light that guy's shirt on fire.

These are all real. I made the Tom Goss memes of some of these. I forget. What the fuck was the shirt on fire thing? Oh, yeah. I try to light my buddy's shirt on fire in Indiana because I got too drunk and high and I was in a pool and I kind of blacked out and I was in the pool and he threw his shirt and I caught it and I just screamed, fire, fire, give me fire.

I want fire. So they gave me a lighter. Why would they do that? That is 100% their fault. Because they were also drunk and high. It was 2 in the afternoon. So yeah, I lit his shirt on fire. Yeah, I checked the Kevin Spacey consent sundial.

Lit the shirt on fire and then smoked some more weed,ed until i uh was like woozy and they're gonna take me this is about it's now four uh and i am too fucked up to walk and they're trying to you can barely walk anyway if we're being honest and my buddy my buddy keith ray he's been on the phone i guess was trying to like get me he was a guy whose shirt i lit on fire shout out to him love that dude he was trying to get me the husband first like we gotta get a photo

with Tom and so as they're getting a photo I just throw up all over his shoes and then I woke up the next day almost all that story was told you blacked out at like 4 in the afternoon no I blacked out at like 2 all that story was told back to me the next day oh goodness Tom it was a lot of fun

yeah and what about the hat and the shirt that talks about the hat? Oh, he was talking... I remember the context of this. I don't remember. He was talking about, like, black guy fashion. And they'll pair, like, a hat and a shirt with, like, the same company. So it's like, hey, get the... It was Opie-related.

Opie was wearing a hat with some, like, logo on it. He was wearing, like, a sussy hat and a sussy shirt. Yeah, he was like, oh, okay, so okay so the shirt's like a commercial for the hat you big idiot what were the other ones p is for pussy was about your dead grandpa oh yeah yeah i don't remember how that was me and my grandpa used to fight over who was the cookie monster he's dead now like oh yeah yeah yeah and somehow that's piled into p yeah yeah and then what was the last one uh i did this uh oh no the silver lakes cup of java that was probably about a show you did

oh yeah no i prefer a different flavor yeah yeah that was java in terms of flavors anyway he writes at the end fuck everything and make carna grand supreme sign ethan thank you again ethan that got fucking ruled yeah that was do we have much shit in the Mean Boys mailbag this week? It was all for Graham Elwood. We have some non-Graham ones, so let's just throw it in another bag. Okay. Yeah, we should definitely do a quick mailbag. All right, yeah.

We'll be right back after something with the Mean Boys motherfucking mailbag. Swap! So this place I think you'll love. It's been on the market for a little while, but there's a recent price reduction, and I don't see it lasting much longer. Oh, Jim, it's huge. I love it. I'm sorry. Does this place really fall into our price range? Actually, it's under your price range. Oh, my. Are these crystal doorknobs? Yeah. Yeah, they are. And the sink is actually coated in real gold, believe it or not. The kitchen's bigger than most of the entire square footage

of the other places we've seen, Jim. Come on. All right. Look, the place is beautiful. I agree, but why is it so underpriced? Well, it's really quite silly. It's actually, well, it's haunted. Haunted? Hey, what's up, dudes? Holy fuck, that's a ghost.

Oh, my God, this is terrifying. What's up, bro? I'm Ghost Dave. Is he dangerous? No, I don't think so. He doesn't kill people? No, not a soul. What about some, bro? I'm Ghost Dave. Is he dangerous? No, I don't think so. He doesn't kill people? No, not a soul. What about some weird revenge he needs on something?

I just don't want him to get mixed up in my whole thing and then his whole thing. I guarantee he isn't vengeful. Okay. Is he going to jump out and scare us occasionally? Nah, I don't like loud noises. Well, will he at least throw plates in open cupboards? I mean, what kind of ghost is he nah that's like really inconsiderate well what do you do then do you just create wind occasionally

that i that i know emanates from a spirit nah i just watch game of thrones what yeah i fucking love that show oh i like that show too i know right it's the best written show ever yeah it's pretty good i never really got that into it what dude you gotta watch it yeah okay okay i'll probably check it out like do you like lord of the rings i mean yeah it's like lord of the rings if lord of the rings wasn't a big pile of dog shit fucking cool man like imagine falling in love with the character and then the next week they're dead. It's great. So if you want, I can show you the master bedroom.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like the best show. What's your favorite show? Breaking Bad. Yeah, yeah, I'd definitely say Breaking Bad. Okay, well the problem with Breaking Bad is compared to Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad is a giant pile of shit that fucks your girlfriend. It's like King Arthur with dragons if King Arthur was Game of Thrones.

Right. I'm sorry. Is there a different apartment like this that's not this? Yeah, but the ghost in that one only watches The Simpsons. Only the first few seasons were good. No, dude, seriously. Seriously, Game of Thrones is so good, you will fuck your cousin afterwards. It is cousin fucking good.

Dude, shut up about Game of Thrones. Oh, man, as if. It's seriously like the best show. Everyone is killing each other and shit. If you don't watch at least three seasons, winter is coming. Sally, I can't take it anymore i can't hear anymore about fucking game of thrones and siblings they fuck each other sibling on sibling bone zone welcome to the throne zone sally i'm i'm so sorry

jim no oh man what's their problem this is like that one episode of game of thrones when ghost dave i got another fucking showing in like an hour. Can you please... You know the deal. Fine, I'll watch an episode. Episode per body. Deal. Throat zone.

And the Mean Boys podcast returns. Close it out, as always, with the Mean Boys mailbag. Quick note, I know we said we were going to have Graham Elwood in today. This morning he called. He was not feeling well. We'll get him back in here soon So if you send in questions for him, we'll save them Yeah, for sure

I think he came down with a case of, oh, this podcast is not as legitimate as I thought Yeah, he came down with a crippling case of Oh, Doug Benson offered me 20 bucks No, I think he's definitely sick I feel better, Graham Very nice of him to even agree to do it I like that we're wishing him well, as though there's any chance he's listening No, of course not Just in case anyone know just in case anyone look hey graham

the mean boys said that you thought they suck no no graham's very cool i was very upfront about how much we sucked yeah yeah we we own it i said hey man two thousand people are really into this if that's worth it to you then thanks all right uh paul bearer asks, what's the classiest profession you would trust someone with a neck tattoo to do? Oh, that's a great question. For example, would you hire a lawyer with the scales of justice or the Constitution tattooed on their neck? I'd have a doctor with a neck tattoo, but he had to give himself the tattoo, and it looks good. But why do you have to give him – Because that's some good handwork.

Yeah, for an artist, but I wouldn't let Dr. Seuss take up my kidney. Are you talking about a general practitioner or a surgeon? A surgeon. You'd have to keep your hands steady. Okay. That would be really hard to be able to endure that pain. Keep your hands steady. That actually is a fair point, as much as I hate to admit it.

Yeah, for me, the highest I trust is Barber. Yeah, well, Barber with a neck tattoo. Or maybe Tax Guy, provided he is not white. I think, like, sketchy Tax Guy. Yeah, well, Barbara with a neck tattoo. Maybe tax guy. At this point, I'd go president. Provided he is not white. I think, like, sketchy tax guy. Yeah, yeah. Like a real, like... Like the Mean Boys' future tax guy.

Yeah, like a lawyer who, like, knows how to hide a body. Yeah, like a Better Call Saul kind of dude. That's like when, remember when Larry David is the lawyer with the cape on Seinfeld? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a similar kind of query. I think I'd go Barbara as high as I go. Yeah, I think I'd go, yeah, like personal injury lawyer. Yeah, it's a similar kind of query. I think I'd go barber as high as I go. Yeah, I think I'd go personal injury lawyer. Yeah, okay.

Personal trainer. I would prefer a personal trainer with a neck tattoo. Oh, yeah. If I could select that in the drop-down menu on my 24-hour fitness web form. Yeah, I trust people with tattoos as long as they smile. That's upsetting. Okay. At Death of the Filth asks,

if you had three weapons, a blowgun, a crossbow, and a slingshot, which mean boy would wield which weapon in a post-apocalyptic situation? A crossbow, a blowgun, and a slingshot? Yeah, and he also adds, assume the blowgun has poison darts and the slingshot is one of those wrist-mounted ones

used for hunting. So these are all real deal fuck-you-up weapons. I got slingshot. You see, I feel like slingshot would have the most utility because ammo is just rocks. Everything else, like, you know, I got slingshot. You see, I feel like slingshot would have the most utility because you could, ammo is just rocks. Everything, like, you know, I'm going to run out of darts.

I mean, those aren't armor-piercing darts. Everyone's walking around in football pads. Yeah, but it's just a matter of who would wield which weapon. I already have a crossbow, so I guess I would do crossbow. Yeah, I think you should be trusted with the best one

because me and Tom will break it. But you're also the only one with any lung capacity at this table, so maybe you get the blowtorch. You're doing, like a propaganda and whatnot. Yeah, I just would rather have the slingshot. Yeah, but I just think it makes more... Look, you heard me have a coughing fit three minutes ago.

I should not have the blowtorch. Yeah, Keith can't have a blow out the candles on his 30th birthday cake for several reasons. Yeah, I'm going Tom gets the blowgun, I get the slingshot, you get the crossbow. I'd give Connor the crossbow, or the blowgun, you get the crossbow, I get the slingshot. You just want the slingshot. I do, I do. You're not putting any thought into your... Nope, I want the slingshot. What a weird way for this podcast to dissolve.

You are a greedy, untrustworthy fuck, and that's why you don't deserve the slingshot. Tom, look, in any kind of combat, you guys want me to be the best equipped, alright? No, we don't! Well, Tom, you're... Against each other or against the enemy? I do guys want me to be the best equipped, all right? No, we don't. Well, Tom, you're... Against each other or against the enemy? I do not want you to be violent and armed. Here's how this breaks down in a post-apocalypse scenario. You're the brawler, all right?

You know this. You're the tank. You're the tank. Keith is the one who fucking tricks single mothers into giving us their fucking food. Yes. All right? And me, I have good reach, I guess. I can get things down from high places.

Look at real. We're pawning your butthole for goods. That's what you are. Yes. I'm a sexual bargaining chip. So as we established, as the weapons man, as the brawler keeping us alive, I should be equipped with the weapon of my choice. Yeah.

You know brawling far away with a slingshot? No. No, brawling is up close. Yeah. Slingshot is me. I should be able to hit from like 500 yards. Then you want the crossbow will shoot farther than the slingshot. I, brawling is up close. Yeah, slingshot is me. I should be able to hit from like 500 yards. The crossbow will shoot farther than the slingshot. I don't know if that's true.

No, it is definitely true. Crossbow? Well, like a legitimate crossbow, no. But a legit crossbow? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I should have the crossbow. I would like to have the crossbow, but I understand that I'll get the blowgun. Keith, you're going to be useless in any other fight.

No, that's right. No, and you know what? I think you should have the blowgun because the blowgun is... Because stealth. Yeah, it's exactly... And I'm a sneaky guy. Yeah, we're not going to be stealthy, but you can hide, like, behind a tree or something and just, like, snipe people out. Yeah, and take out Humongous while he's fucking in a tent. But Tom is for sure going to pull the slingshot too far and break it the first time he tries

to use it. That's very true. No, but the reason I want the slingshot is it's going to have the fastest reload before I actually get to close quarters combat. Yeah, you're going to unleash a flurry of pellets. Ah, that's regrettable. I just don't want Tom to win, but I think he's right. I think he's right, yeah. And look, no one wants the fucking lame-ass blowgun less than me, all right?

Yeah, but you've got to have the blowgun. I've got to have the blowgun. You have lungs and stealth. And look, there's a big... And you're also taller. And we're not going to survive if we don't have fucking teamwork in this situation. I've got the best lung capacity. I'm the sneakiest, you know?

I'm not... You know, I'm feeling kind of bad because I'm like, well, Keith is clearly the conniver, you know, the schemer. Tom is clearly the fucking... The melee man. But I'm like, what am I bringing to the table here? Aside from a fresh butthole. Because I don't want to just be a fresh butthole.

It's not going to be fresh. You've got a mouth, too, baby. You're the stroking token, dog. Just like that Patton Oswalt bit. Yeah, but fuck the sad boy. My ass looks like a tube of circus peanuts. Yeah, fly out of my dirt button, mohawk. We'll make you in charge of diplomacy.

No, that's me. Yeah, that's Keith. I'm the diplomacy guy. Yeah, Keith is a master negotiator. I think you're the tactician of the group. I feel like I stay calm in a crisis more than most people. Yeah, and I think you tell me who to go rip off and how i think i say cheese it it's the raiders yeah well i think you're also the recon guy you're sort of you can go in and you'd be our scout yeah

yeah yeah because you're on yeah and i mean this is good that you can blend in while you're getting unnoticed you can just sort of be like i'm just another white guy in this mob of marauders oh yeah i heard a good earthquake tip on my fucking weird am radio station i listen to occasionally the guy was like if you if you got to pack up and, you got to get all your non-perishable food. You just put it in a suitcase. So you look like you're just like a bunch of idiots running around with all your clothes trying to find help. But you actually got like a shitload of beef jerky and cashews in there. Huh.

Good thing we told the public about this. Hey, I want our listeners to survive the apocalypse. Okay. We're doing a live show and fucking, you know, Thunderdome town. I really think I'm one of the only comedians and i think you guys are too that maybe comedy career would go better after the apocalypse oh 100 i'm not gonna be happy until someone pays you're gonna win my show yeah we'd meet up with jay whitecott and do one nighters yeah who books thunderdome uh dude i'm fucking i'm kind of i i really want it... I'm kind of... I really want to

because I'm super broke but I really want to get some apocalypse supplies together. I'm definitely... That's the one hobby I've stopped myself from having is getting the bug out bag and all that shit.

Once we have money, we're all going to be doomsday preppers. Oh, for sure, dude. I'm so stoked. Well, you're going to be a doomsday prepper. I'm just going to become

fucking hedonism bot. I'm just going to bathe in your gravy and cum. Last question. At Mighty Scrub Lord asks, what are your favorite awful horror movies uh you mentioned ice scream cube i want to hyper cube it's not awful i do resent that but it is a fantastic film it's a terrible fucking movie that movie i was just talking to somebody else oh nat by mel fucking hates hyper cube yeah nat by mel's fucking dumb and has bad opinions his exact phrasing was yo that movie is straight up but that's pretty funny oh by the way nat by mel is uh recording his album at the comedy

club on state in madison wisconsin uh it mean was if you're in the area go fucking see it nat as funny as he is on the show he's even fucking better on stage he's a vet he's been doing comedy for fucking ever so really gonna be cool he gave gave me the date. I got it right here. November 4th, this Saturday, at the Comedy Club in Madison, Wisconsin. So go out to that if you're in the area. I know I'm going to be in Wisconsin this weekend. Fuck that. Go see Nat.

Yeah, go see Nat. Nat's fucking awesome. You got a favorite bad horror movie? I don't. I don't. There are some favorite horror movies, but I don't think there's a bad one that I enjoy. I'll tell you mine. I was talking to him. You're complaining about that movie Rubber on stage

the other day. Rubber's not really a horror movie. And I actually have not seen that movie. It's fucking terrible. Oh, okay. But not in like a

fun, hokey way. It's just like this weird, pretentious art school bullshit. Right. Mine is a movie called Wild Zero. It's from Japan.

I'm going to explain the plot of this because I think you guys will enjoy it. Is it about one of the World War II planes? Just getting out on the top.

No, it's about zombies who are caused by aliens, and the only people who can stop them are a Japanese rockabilly punk band and a weird transgender lady. Okay. It's fucking insane. That sounds fun. It's a band called Guitar Wolf.

At one point, they were riding motorcycles and pulling swords out of their guitars, and they're also a real band, and they fucking rule. Oh, that sounds cool as hell. Yeah, they look like the Japanese Ramones, and they just fucking shred, dude. dude one of them OD'd on heroin but the rest of them are great nice do you do do do you wanna die yeah oh we're checking out guitar wolf after this oh fuck your dick off yeah i don't think i have a favorite bad horror movies i i there's a lot of horror movies i really really really like but none of them are bad i actually my favorite horror movie? My favorite horror movie is My Bank Account. I mean, I really like 20 Days Later Saw. I want to see that new Saw.

I've lost faith in that franchise. Yeah, they're bringing it back, though. I've never seen Connor glaze over more during a conversation. I'm just thinking about crossbows I want to purchase. All right, that's it for the Mean Boys podcast this week, everybody. I guess Hostel, because I don't think that movie's as good. Like, it's not... Oh, Hostel's great.

I just rewatched it last week. I haven't seen it in a while. I enjoyed it. It was just upsetting. Yeah, if you want to see just douche bros get fucking massacred, it is a damn fine film. I don't think I have a favorite bad one. I can't do bad horror, because I like artistic value to go along with.

I can't just watch people get tortured and shit. I will say with Bad Whore, my thing is always, if you make one of those movies that's like, look at this bad movie we made, like the Sharknado thing, I fucking hate that. It's the lamest thing you can do. But if you earnestly make a bad movie, it's kind of great. Yeah, fuck you, Ryan Budge.

Thanks for having us on your podcast. Wait, what? You know he's in Sharknado? He's in all the promo pics. He's the guy that dies on the beach. He didn't make it. I know, I know. It was just funny.

Yeah, and also, no one knows who that is. I don't know who that is. I don't know who that is. I barely remember who it was, and I have known Ryan for several years. He was in Memo's early adopter.

I don't think he has time to listen to it. He's got like a family of shit, but sorry, Ryan. No, we appreciate it, Ryan. Your movie sucks. It's not his movie. and shit but sorry Ryan no we appreciate Ryan your movie sucks it's not his movie we really ran out

we really used up all our joy during the Tom Goss quotes in the B-52's restaurant parody yeah this episode started out very strong we don't owe you people

anything come see me this weekend Friday and Saturday at the Comedy Corner Underground in Minneapolis Minnesota

please fucking come if you're anywhere near. I'm headlining. I want to look good. And also, I'm doing a whole hour of shit. And I get some very funny jokes about the government for everybody. That show at American Comedy Company that we were laughing about last week got canceled for reasons

I'll complain about at a future date. But I am going to be headlining the Rec Room Comedy Club in Huntington Beach on December 12th, working on something very cool. So please come see that if you're in Orange County in the area. So those are the two big ones. Nice. Tonight, Halloween night, two chances. Number one, come see the Mean Boys.

We're doing a show together. We are, yeah. Yeah, we're doing a sketch show that Tom for sure forgot about at Meltdown Comics at 8 o'clock. We're part of Nerd Melt High. We'll be doing something. Yep. Okay, cool. Okay, cool.

Well, if you can't make it, we'll figure it out. I think I can. Oh, cool. Okay, cool. Well, if you can't make it, we'll figure it out. I think I can. Oh, cool. Yeah, I sure hope so. Well, anyway, me and Connor, I guess, will be doing everything. And Tom will be... We don't have to get so mad at Tom. I feel like we told him like once a long time ago.

I know, I'm riffing. We also haven't prepared it. Hey, I'm just trying to keep it fun and farty. No, hey. I'm goofing around. Let's not fight in front of the listeners, guys. I hate both of you. Whatever.

You're all dipshits. And then come see me roast battle tonight against John Michael Bond. I don't have my dates in front of me. But this Friday, I will be at the Rec Room. Nice. Denny's. Arby's. Great comedy club.

And then December 1st, I will be at the Comedy Palace. Nice. Is it October or November right now? It's October 30th. Okay, so it's almost November. Oh, yeah, and the day that drops. Last day to get in under the water to get the Tom Goss keychains on Patreon. Yeah.

Oh, do you have them? Not yet. I'm waiting to see how many we need before we make them because they're kind of a pricier item. But we've decided you guys deserve it. Yeah. Yeah. You earned it with your money. Thank you. All right, with your money. Thank you.

All right. Let's mercifully end this. Fuck everything. God is dead.