Mean Boys - EP 9 - Gangster Dick

Episode Date: February 18, 2016

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week's segments include "Mexican Joke Off", "New Names", "Which of the Following", "Science for Kids" and "Simple Country Lawyers". Our spon...sors are Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium and the Naughty Boy Box. Email the show at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com and follow us on Twitter @meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everyone, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. I'm Joe Dosh. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm... Dennis the Menace with a ketamine problem. Outstanding. Ah, good. Oh, I wonder if I'll ever get to say my own name again.
Starting point is 00:00:24 You sure won't. You know what? Maybe when I'm in the throes of ketamine... Psychosis? Outstanding. Ah, good. Oh, I wonder if I'll ever get to say my own name again. You sure won't. Maybe when I'm in the throes of ketamine. I'll repeat it, trying to claim to some level of identity. You know what, Connor? I want to say it's difficult coming up with a new insult for you every week, but it is not. You are a cornucopia of faults. Well, I just wanted you to know that you have a head like a Flintstones vitamin.
Starting point is 00:00:41 I sure do. Yeah. You're both very unlikable. Yeah. We sure are. Yeah. Well, all right, guys. Well, we finally reached the zine of this podcast. We all accept our awfulness.
Starting point is 00:00:52 Yeah. You know, this has been a great end of our second favorite segment, Forced Small Talk. Yeah. Forced bit. When the insults run out of steam and we're just confronted with our own selves. Wow. This is really like a crashing dirigible in an alternate universe fan fiction. It's running out of steam. Let's pull this thing up.
Starting point is 00:01:09 Let's get into the Mexican joke off. All right, I'll start us off this week. A 12-year-old boy was shot in the chest while playing tag in Chicago. No word yet on who is it. That kid died. No, he's alive. Oh, well, it would have been funnier if he died.
Starting point is 00:01:29 I know. An Indian supermodel's photo shoot was interrupted by two monkeys having sex in the background. The cost of photoshopping them out of the picture was billed to Keith's mother and her boyfriend. Right out the gate, so I don't have to worry for it. Thanks for ripping that band-aid off. Now it's just gone.
Starting point is 00:01:47 That was one of the more creative Keith's mom slams you've had in a while. Yeah, I thought that was going a racial element for sure. Now you don't have to be tense waiting for it to come. We're going to be free. What a wonderful evening we're going to have. Orlando city workers are flushing sewer lines looking for a missing newborn baby. Disney World is calling it their saddest water park yet. Apple has refused Nora by the FBI to open the San Bernardino terrorist Syed Farouk's iPhone's back door.
Starting point is 00:02:15 The FBI responded by saying, come on, babe, it's my birthday. I feel like we glossed over Keith Carey's Henny Youngman-like joke of a baby flushed in a toilet. I flush my baby everywhere. It finds its way home. Yeah, did you need one of those fucking barbershop quartet hats to tell that joke? Dead baby. No more baby. Where's the baby?
Starting point is 00:02:39 Missing crib. Old gay 90s Carrie. Anyway. Dutch researchers have created the world's first poop bank. The facility will store solid waste for fecal transplants and material for the Mean Boys podcast. They're inadequate, I tell you. Inadequate. They're no good.
Starting point is 00:02:58 All right. Mob Wives star Angela Raiola passed away after a long battle with cancer. Her family is planning a traditional New Jersey funeral at the Newark County Landfill. The Newark County Landfill. So worth it. Wow. You actually saved it with that. You really did.
Starting point is 00:03:16 That was the only time that mom advice, like bully yourself before they can bully you, has ever worked. You were like that stand-up comedian working at the nursing home in The Sopranos, like, no work, help me, everyone. No one got that reference, goddammit. Yeah. A German man has set his teenage pregnant girlfriend on fire to avoid fatherhood. He has been sentenced to 14 years in prison
Starting point is 00:03:36 and recently sold his patent for the morning after grill for $12 million. Holy fuck! If that were a German joke, it just would have ended with the first sentence. He was barbecuing the woman for getting pregnant. Such is the ways of life. He had a hilarious joke where he set his woman on fire and she was burned. Ja, ist gut.
Starting point is 00:04:02 He's funny because he's cruel. A Boston pub has created a cocktail that is half Guinness, half Smirnoff Ice. The drink has become extremely popular with college-aged hermaphrodites. Hilarious. An African-American teen was arrested for impersonating a doctor. Nurses became suspicious when he prescribed a cancer patient 20 cc's of scissor. A couple is being sued over a one-star Yelp review for a pet sitting company. The CEO of Keith Carey's Animal Crushatorium released a statement saying, I mean, I sat on him.
Starting point is 00:04:39 What more do you want? Sorry about your parakeet, though. Your impression of me is like some fucking Jersey lung. Dale sat on a fucking bird. I don't know I'm Keith, Bart. I have like three that I wrote that are inadequate, and I'm trying to save the good one for the end. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:57 You're building up momentum, McSpadden. A newborn baby was found abandoned in a toilet in a California subway. Police assume the crime was an attempt by Jared Fogle to dispose of the evidence. I like that we have two newborn flushing jokes. Karen, that was all the baby we had. They were going to fuck it, Hendry, I swear to you. That is such a narrow joke, but somebody listening is doing a fucking backflip right now. How good that is.
Starting point is 00:05:27 Oh, man. I like that we're treating babies like crocodiles that got too big now. Send them down to the future on where you belong. Oh, jeez. You're the penguins problem now. Reinhold Hanning, a 94-year-old man who served as a guard at Auschwitz, stood trial for his crimes. In a statement to the media, Hanning declared, I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling yids.
Starting point is 00:05:51 You don't know how many times I've read and reread that story, trying to come up with a mean boys joke for it. Oh, my God. Do you know how, like, all while you were saying that, I'm like, what word is going to come after meddling? And it turned out it was yids, which I think just stuck the landing carry. I had my moments. Let me hold up my 10 sign.
Starting point is 00:06:08 He won the Special Olympics for the choke off. Yeah. Well, I think a perfect Mexican choke off joke is one that is only funny to one person. Oh, agreed. Sniping him. A wounded veteran may be the first person to receive a penis transplant.
Starting point is 00:06:21 The excited hero says he can't wait to give his wife the PTSD. Oh, that truly tickled my heart. That saved a veteran from killing himself just now. Yeah. Doing the Lord's work. Hey, Bernie Sanders isn't going to do it.
Starting point is 00:06:40 Am I right, guys? He sure ain't. Oh, God. A study suggests that 42% of American women can orgasm from anal sex, while Mrs. McSpadden remains the only woman who can give birth from anal sex. You a butt, baby. Oh, really?
Starting point is 00:06:55 Go ahead and bomb. Thank you. Yeah, go ahead and bomb, and then we'll blame it on you. Go. Yeah. Victim blaming started on the Mean Boys podcast with Keith Carey's jokes. Well, I'm excited to tell this fucking joke now. An Argentinian soccer player shot a referee to death in the middle of a game after being ejected from play.
Starting point is 00:07:12 The victim's family let a candlelight vigil, praying for his eternal soul. Soaring out of the hole like a fucking phoenix. I knew I had that on deck, and I was like keep talking you Nancy bitches watch me fucking crawl to freedom through a river of shit I just shot janked that joke that was outstanding wow that was
Starting point is 00:07:38 good stuff that was cathartic everyone that's a good first segment of the show. I think it's time to hear from our sponsors. Are you searching for the right subscription gift box for the special person in your life? Or do you just feel like treating yourself once a month?
Starting point is 00:07:55 Well, then it sounds like you need to sign up for the Naughty Boy Box. The Naughty Boy Box is a monthly care package chock full of punishments for the naughty boy in your life. Is it Christmas time? It doesn't matter because you are getting a naughty lump of coal delivered discreetly to your door in a Dollar Shave Club box. If this box is for Naughty Boys, then why does it have delicious treats inside, you ask?
Starting point is 00:08:19 You fool, those peanut butter cups are made with feces and they're loaded with rusty razor blades and some tacks as well as a naughty tetanus shot. Is this a pair of luxurious silk underwear? Why, it would appear so, but why is it three sizes too small, and what is this long strap hanging from the back of it? You stupid naughty boy, that is the patented Naughty Boy Veggie Kit. You put on your humiliation nighttime trousers, and then you pull the strap as hard as your weak, naughty arms are able until your taint is suffocated with humiliation. Each box has a surprise seasonal punishment. The Valentine's Bear stuffed with spider eggs is a personal favorite, but wait until you light your 4th of July Rectum Sparkler
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Starting point is 00:09:32 Ta-ta, boys. All rise for the Honorable Judge Whitmer. Hear ye, hear ye. This district court is now in session. You may begin with your opening statement. Well, Your Honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer born and raised right here in Mississippi. I don't carry no pretense to nothing, but y'all don't need the good sense God gave a hog to see that this here case don't make a lick of sense. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:09:58 Would the defendant please rise and give his opening statement? Well, Your Honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer born and raised right there in Savannah. Now, Your Honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer. Bone raised right there in Savannah. Now, y'all might be thinking, well, heck, didn't we just hear from a simple country lawyer? Well, yes, yes, you did. As this is, in fact, a case between two simple country lawyers regarding matters pertaining to their respective professions
Starting point is 00:10:18 as simple country lawyers. Now, y'all don't need the good sense y'all gave a turkey in November to know that if you plucked the eyes out of a pig, he gonna find the snob trial one way or another. Thank you sir. The representation for the plaintiff may proceed. Well y'all I'm just a simple country lawyer. A simple country lawyer who was hired by a simple country lawyer who despite his profession as a simple country lawyer elected not to represent himself in the case set before us today and instead hire the services of a simple country lawyer. Now, I don't know nothing about no nothing,
Starting point is 00:10:55 but I think it's plain to see that if a frog decides to stop a hop and the Lord is going to find a goose or two to fill in. Yes, the defense, your response. Well, your honor, I'm just a simple country lawyer. And while I am the fourth simple country lawyer mentioned thus far, I am in fact representing the defendant simple country lawyer, who was the second simple country lawyer who was introduced in the proceedings overall. Now, I may not be a know-ins, all the go-ins, and the do-ins, and the happenings,
Starting point is 00:11:25 but, Your Honor, you put a chicken in a wedding dress, you're going to have to fire that caterer. The plaintiff may now call its first witness. Well, Your Honor, I'm just a complex country lawyer. Grew up in Portugal. Moved to Alabama when I was one. Speak fluent Mandarin
Starting point is 00:11:46 Chinese. My parents are a lesbian couple. Lot of facets to me. Lot of facets to me. Now, I don't nothing knowing about futs and about known. But, y'all take a hip cat down a rebo, you're gonna hunk about all the way to the moaning. Well, y'all,
Starting point is 00:12:02 we are five simple country lawyers speaking collectively. We may not be no fancy big city attorney, but it don't take a hyperbolic folksy metaphor to know that Negro is guilty. Hey, Mark Malloy here. Anybody in South Boston knows if you need anything, I'm the man to see. From a good deal on furniture to gently used cars to a few kinds of parliaments maybe fell off the back of the truck, I'm the man to see. From a good deal on furniture, to gently used cars, to a few kinds of parliaments maybe fell off the back of the truck. Mark Malloy's your guy.
Starting point is 00:12:32 Recently, I've been looking to diversify my cash flow. I was talking to my nephew, Little Pete. You know Little Pete, he's that kid with the glasses, works down at the park raking leaves. His head's shaped all wackadoo because his mom smoked while she was pregnant. He's fucked up, bro. Anyway, he's into all that internet nerd shit. And at first, I'm like, Jesus, Pete,
Starting point is 00:12:47 get your shit together. Learn to catch a football or something. But then I looked up the numbers and realized there's wicked money in this shit. So that's why I'm proud to announce the grand opening of Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium. Are you a grown-ass man who loves Japanese cartoons? You one of those toothpick-counting autistics? Maybe you got a lot of fedoras. Ain't never fingered a bride.
Starting point is 00:13:04 Now this store is for you. We got all the hottest anime titles. Attack on Titan. That's some bullshit with giants or something. I don't know. Or maybe you like Dragon Ball Z. The last time I was Dragon Balls, it was on the face of that boss gang,
Starting point is 00:13:16 the Metakalani's. I don't know what the fucking Inuyasha is, but you got 20 bucks. You can take it home and put it in your dumb butt or whatever. We got Tamagotchis, Miyazakis, Mitsubishis, swords like a motherfucker. You wanna bust it out of the pillow with a picture of some slut with cat ears on it? We got you covered.
Starting point is 00:13:32 Plus, if you're some kind of gross pervert, we got a bunch of DVDs about little jabbed schoolgirls getting fucked airtight by a spooky octopus. I'm serious, kid, it's friggin' bonkers. So come on down to Mark Malloy's Anime Emporium, bringing the finest and creepy homo nonsense to South Boston, conveniently located off Blue
Starting point is 00:13:48 Hill in Dorchester, next to where the crack house used to be. Mean Boys is back, guys. And I think it's time for the return of one of our segments, New Name. It's time for New Name. New Name. All right, everyone.
Starting point is 00:14:15 This is New Names. My first new name of the week. The Zika virus from now on will be known as Breeder AIDS. Oh, damn it. I have a Zika virus, too. Well, the Zika virus shrinks your baby's head, so I've decided to call it reverse Joe Dosh syndrome.
Starting point is 00:14:30 You got a big head. I need a little Zika. I need to take a little bit with my vitamin D. Yeah, you need to get Zika like how girls get a tapeworm to diet. Yeah, I went on a Zika cleanse
Starting point is 00:14:43 and I'm feeling like really petite in the face. I'm going to shot a Zika cleanse, and I'm feeling, like, really petite in the face. I'm going to shot a Zika in my jamba juice. In a Zika infusement. Yeah, it's got Zika grass, and it's really good for your big fucking face. I can sterilize all these fucking L.A. bitches with their no consonants. My first new name, I think Yoga Pants should be renamed Basic Britches. You know, that was based on a comeback that I had ready for Joe in our roast battle.
Starting point is 00:15:13 If you use some kind of old-timey slang, I was going to say Joe's such an old-timey cunt, he wears Basic Britches. Shit. That's outstanding. Well, it's phenomenal in either context, boys. Yeah, it's all good. All, boys. Yeah, accidental theft. All right, everyone. From now on, Monster Energy Drink will be known as Kidney Stone Gasoline. Oh, that might be my favorite one.
Starting point is 00:15:33 Oh, that's... Yeah, that's... It's pretty solid. I think instead of having Cigar Store Indians, we should have Carved Wooden Vape Shop Hobos. Really stretching the definitions of new names. No, that was perfect. That was exactly what America needed. I just think it'd be really great to have like an
Starting point is 00:15:51 artisanally carved like fucking dirty South Pole hoodie, you know? I was going to explain what the... I think our listenership knows what a real doll is. The very lifelike sex robots. I think those should be renamed GI Hoes. I enjoyed it.
Starting point is 00:16:10 I don't know what's cheesier, that joke or your tits. I really don't. I mean, probably the tits, if we're being honest. Oh, they're probably composed of easy cheese. Yeah, I think Keith
Starting point is 00:16:20 is made of cheese the same way little kids think the moon is. I'm sure if I investigated, but it's just nice to think that way. If you stand on Keith, you weigh one-sixth the amount you're used to. And Keith makes a lot of funny sounds. Blah, blah, blah, fluids! Blah, blah, blah, fluids was my other name for you.
Starting point is 00:16:41 From now on, Bernie Sanders will be known as Jewbama. I have a Bernie Sanders one, too. Do tell. I was just going to rename him Uncle Grumplepuss. Those are both good. Where's that bumper sticker, folks? Come on. Feel that, Bernie.
Starting point is 00:17:00 I've decided we should now be calling PT Cruisers At Risk for Prostate Cancer Mobiles. I would like to rename Ikea the Think You're Too Good for Walmart but Aren't Store. By the way, one of my favorite things about shopping at Ikea is watching the mostly Hispanic staff try to pronounce the Swedish-named furniture like, oh, give me the kajarganberg. We got the floor gober.
Starting point is 00:17:24 Hey, man, go get a spoople from the back, dog. A spoople? I think the break is also like, yeah, man, I got to take my flinging dog, bro. Dude, I'm overdue, man. I mean, it's like the law in California, dude. Every time they kill somebody, they get an umlaut tattooed under their eye. You got to restock that flugblad, Holmes. Oh, man, dude.
Starting point is 00:17:48 This fucked up, dude. I thought I made over 12k so I was eligible for flingendorg, but I don't. I'm gonna die, dude. I'm gonna die. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:18:02 Give me a meatball. All right. Speaking of meatballs, Keith. Good segue. I think St. Patrick's Day should be renamed White Power Christmas. Your name is my favorite segue. I agree. In light of our emotional dunk tank that may have fizzled out a little early,
Starting point is 00:18:19 I'd like to rename Kesha Ketamine Rosa Parks. I think when someone is buying a lot of stuff at the grocery store, but you only have one thing and they don't offer to let you go first, that should be called shopping cart blanche. Cricket. Cricket. If Keith had uttered that joke, we would have crucified him for it. Let's be real here.
Starting point is 00:18:40 Well, here, I'll give you an equally bad one to close out on. I think rapists should now be known as clam burglars. Oh, God. I'm a feminist. That's how we got you? No, no. Hey, I've always been an ally. All right, I have one more, if that's all right.
Starting point is 00:18:58 Sure. I think we should start calling Joe Dosh Reginald Richard Pincushion. I had a lengthy mental debate to go with pincushion or sincushion. Reginald, you're a pincushion from the Danbury Pincushions. Actually, I got a sincushion in my Naughty Boy box last month. Oh, did you?
Starting point is 00:19:21 Yeah, man. Wow, I'm glad that you're subscribing. Someone has to. Well, Richard is, you know, long for dick, so he's a dick pink Christian. Long for dick? Well, yeah, instead of saying dick is short for Richard. Yeah, yeah, I understand.
Starting point is 00:19:32 Yeah, I said the first part wrong and I had to cover. Welcome behind the scenes on Mean Boys. And that was new names, everybody. End of segment. Learning about physics and the galaxy. Magnets evolution. Electricity. When you hear the song,
Starting point is 00:20:00 you know what time it is. Time to listen up and hear Science for Kids Oh hey kids, it's me, Professor Artemis J. Gobbledygook Thanks for visiting my laboratory for another crazy episode of Science for Kids Each week I invite three kids to visit the lab to learn cool, crazy science experiments That you can all try at home Say hi kids
Starting point is 00:20:23 I'm Andy And I'm Mandy And I'm Mandy. And I'm Randy. And that's Dandy. Woo-hoo! Today, kids, we're going to be talking about rain. Now, it doesn't rain much now because of what scientists call global warming and Congress calls an angry god.
Starting point is 00:20:37 But I'm going to teach you how to make your very own rain cloud in a bottle. In a what? That's not where rain goes. You're crazy, Professor Gobbledygook. It's true. For this experiment, we'll need a bottle, a bike pump, and some water. I have it all here somewhere, but my lab is a crazy, kooky mess.
Starting point is 00:20:54 You guys think you can find it? Yeah! Well, what are you waiting for? Get going. I'll meet you at my workbench. What's gonna happen? It's a surprise. First, we gotta find our science supplies. All right, time to make it rain. Supply check.
Starting point is 00:21:16 I got the bottle. I got the pump. And I got the water. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Randy, don't move. What? That's not water. It's sulfuric acid, and it's very dangerous.
Starting point is 00:21:25 Way to go, Randy. What a goofball. I thought it was a special water because it's green and it had a cool skull on it. It's okay. Just put it down very, very slowly. Oh, sweet lord, no. What's happening to him? His skin is melting.
Starting point is 00:21:41 Not exactly, Mandy. The acid is actually removing all the moisture from his skin cells in a series of atomic reactions. I'm fucking dying! Why are you helping me? There's nothing I can do. I'm so sorry. Randy! It's okay, Andy.
Starting point is 00:21:55 The acid is so strong it'll destroy his nerve endings so he'll die painlessly. He's lying! I can feel everything! We gotta call the cops. That crazy old professor and Andy and Mandy driving to the woods to hide the body of Randy. You kids want to learn how an engine works? Fuck you. We hate you, Professor Gobbledygook.
Starting point is 00:22:26 Okay, jeez. I'm just saying, it's pretty interesting. All right, we're here. Roll him out of the car. This is terrible. You know what's terrible? Dying in fucking prison. Throw him out of the car.
Starting point is 00:22:36 You're never going home, Andy. You see, kids, the force that makes an engine work is called combustion. First, you need your fuel. Now, the fuel goes from the tank to the engine. Now the lesson's done. Look at all we learned. Tried to make the rain, but Randy got all burned. Now we're keeping secrets, living with the guilt,
Starting point is 00:23:10 donating to his mom's fundraiser for a big memorial quilt. Science can be scary, but that's the way it is. Thanks for hanging out and learning science for kids. All right, Mean Boys is back. We'll be closing it today like we always do with a round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following. This week I prepared a very special round. These are all cancelled Nickelodeon shows. Oh my.
Starting point is 00:23:42 Everyone buckle in. Witch of the Following is not a cancelled Nickelodeon show? A. Super Ninjas. B. Wonder Pets. With a Jeb Bush exclamation point at the end. Wonder Jebs. C. Turbo Mice. Or D. Angela Anaconda.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Everyone who works at BuzzFeed just came in their pants. Finally one for us! Angela Anaconda is... Are these killing our childhood? Angela Anaconda is real. I feel like Super Ninjas might be too. Yeah, I do too. My guess would be Turbo Mice.
Starting point is 00:24:20 I'm going to go with Turbo Mice as well. The fake canceled show is Turbo Mice. Ah, nice. Boom. Right out of the gate. Nicely well. The fake canceled show is Turbo Mice. Ah, nice. Boom. Right out of the gate. Nicely done. Only real 90s kids would remember that. Can we acknowledge, by the way, for our generation,
Starting point is 00:24:31 remembering the 90s is not a character trait. Only real 90s kids have no cultural identity or sense of adulthood. Number two, which of the following is not a real canceled Nickelodeon show? A, Count Ducula. B, House of Anubis. C, King and Kell and the Big Apple, or D, Power Rangers
Starting point is 00:24:48 Jungle Fury? I feel like King of Anubis that turned into Legends of the Hidden Temple. I always wonder what got happened when you go through Legends of the Hidden Temple
Starting point is 00:24:58 and the whatever guys take you away. I always thought they were getting sodomized. I mean, what else would they be doing? Just hanging out
Starting point is 00:25:04 there in a temple for eternity. I mean, we're would they be doing? Just hanging out. They're in a temple for eternity. I mean, we're not going to not fuck these kids. The kids are all having a great time. And they're like, oh, well, you know, our classmates are being sodomized by fucking stone monsters. I mean, no risk, no reward, I guess. Count Ducula is for sure real. And the reason I know that this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever said.
Starting point is 00:25:23 I used to have a very active allpoetry.com account, and at some point somebody wrote a poem about Count Ducula for a contest thing that I was judging. You judged a poetry contest where one of the entrants was a Count Ducula? I may have also held the poetry contest. We're bringing in my old all poetry at some point. How many people were involved in this poetry contest? I feel like it was you and Connor.
Starting point is 00:25:44 Is that just like TV and Connor and Connor's blacking it out. Yeah, it's pretty gross. It's a fine place to finger bang somebody with a fucking tattoo of a dark fairy. Everyone wins.
Starting point is 00:25:55 Yeah, except for the fairy. I'm going to say House of Anubis. You know what? I think that's real. I'm going to say the Power Rangers want
Starting point is 00:26:03 Jungle Fury. The fake canceled Nickelodeon show is Kenan and Kel in the big episode. Ah, boy. Sneaky fucks. There are a woeful lack
Starting point is 00:26:10 of Kenan and Kel spin-offs. I like how I... Says Kel. Kenan's like, I'm good, dog. Yeah, yeah. I did the same formula as the Kardashian shows.
Starting point is 00:26:20 Like, you know, Kim and Kourtney take New York. I did fucking Kenan and Kel. Kenan and Kel take severely divergent career paths. Their fates are kind of sad. Kel is still hawking Nickelodeon things,
Starting point is 00:26:30 and Kenan is still playing every black one on SNL because there are no black, funny female comedians, I guess. Yeah, Kenan's like, I got one voice that's got me ten seasons. Yeah, I actually work with Kel. Live from New York, it's the bare minimum. You are no one to be talking about people's one voice. Yeah, seriously. I don't know
Starting point is 00:26:47 what you're talking about. I am a simple country lawyer. Is that Carnock, Argus, Crumblebottom, or all of the above? It is Mark Malloy, the anime Emporium. Come forth
Starting point is 00:26:58 and receive your cowboy bebop. Anyway. All right. Number three, which of the following is not a real canceled Nickelodeon show? A, Talia in the Kitchen,
Starting point is 00:27:05 B, Panda School, C, The Brothers Flub, or D, Little Women. First of all, we are for sure renaming this podcast The Brothers Flub. By the way,
Starting point is 00:27:16 Panda School has to exist because I just imagine it being pitched so fucking lazily. Fucking Panda School. What are they learning about? I don't know. Fucking Bamboo, Jerry. It panda school. What are they worried about? I don't know. Fucking bamboo, Jerry.
Starting point is 00:27:25 It's Friday. Run a cunty thing at the end about them being endangered or something. It's the 90s. I don't know. Can we get money out of the fucking Wildlife Federation for a buck? We got cocaine to do, Jerry. I'm gonna say
Starting point is 00:27:42 Little Woman is fake. Oh, that's real. I mean, if it's based on the novel, I'm going to say Tali in the Kitchen. Because that sounds like something Connor would make up and feel clever about. The fake Nickelodeon show is pandas. God damn it! I wanted it to be real! Okay, here's a funnier side note.
Starting point is 00:27:57 I auditioned to be on Tali in the Kitchen. Really? And I tried to find... I'll bring it in maybe some other time. I have a picture of the guy who got the part. He just looks like much more handsome than me. That was your ticket out of this basement, Connor. And I tried to find – I'll bring it in maybe some other time, a picture of the guy who got the part. Oh, my God. He looks like much more handsome than me. That was your ticket out of this basement, Connor, talking about fucking rape and dead babies.
Starting point is 00:28:10 Oh, my God. Imagine if you were on – first of all, good luck getting any more hot Nickelodeon on to this. Yeah, the fact that you think that the Viacom Nickelodeon execs are listening to this fucking podcast. That would be fantastic. That's hilarious. For sure not happening. I love that there was a fucking TV show based off of a stuffy novel
Starting point is 00:28:26 that great school girls read. I just realized you know how like Ninja Turtles started out as like a super violent like comic book and then turned into
Starting point is 00:28:33 like a big goofy kid show? I did not know that. Oh well that's true. We could do that with this podcast. Oh now you're talking. Oh yeah we just turn into like a really
Starting point is 00:28:40 soft like fucking like hey guys. No we turn into like a Nickelodeon kids show. Oh yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, and all the hardcore fans are like, nice, check out the early stuff, man. It's crazy. Which of the following is not a real canceled Nickelodeon show?
Starting point is 00:28:54 A, rated K for kids. B, Kid Cops. C, Kids World. Or D, Kids Court. Kids Court. I think Kids Court. God damn it. Kenny and Kel got their start on Kid Cops' victims.
Starting point is 00:29:09 Joe! Joe! Oh, my God! Oh, no! How was that too far out of everything that's been uttered? So funny. It's called Standing Your Ground. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:29:26 Kel was just trying to go buy some Skittles and an orange soda. I'm a dude. He's a dude. Gunshot. Who loves due process? Oh, man. This riff was all that. I'm leaving.
Starting point is 00:29:42 I'm walking out of this room. Oh, good. Burger. It hurts. Deal with it. I'm trapped in a prison of my own creation. Referees. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:29:58 I don't even care anymore. Fucking Kids World. Oh, man. I'm going to say Kids World, too. It's a fake, canceled show. It's Kid Cops. Guys, how the fuck can kids be cops in any way? But then how the fuck do they get to kid court?
Starting point is 00:30:14 That's like, hey, Jerry took my juice. Jerry's a bitch. Yeah, fucking walk him in prison and fill him with gangster dick. Exactly. It'd be like who ate all the cookies and they give the kids a fair trial and they grow up to be a real cop and they realize
Starting point is 00:30:26 how disillusioned they have to be and you know, you can't, you know, you gotta get along to play along and then you just
Starting point is 00:30:31 fill Jimmy with gangster dick. Well, we have an episode title. Okay, the final. I'm just drawing chalk outlines in the sandbox here. Oh,
Starting point is 00:30:44 God. And hopscching around a body. Return to kids, the wire. Here comes baby Omar. Which of the following is not a real canceled show? All real or all fake? Final question. A. Papa Beaver's story dime. B. Vic's vacant lot.
Starting point is 00:31:08 C, Dusty's treehouse. Or D, Mr. Wizard's world. All of this sounds like some frat bro describing his spring break. But man, a Papa Beaver and Vic's vacant lot, man. Give me the old Dusty treehouse. These were specifically designed by Conor McSpadden to sound vaguely like sexual innuendos. These are 100%- Yeah, the Dusty Treehouse.
Starting point is 00:31:31 That's like- I know the answer, but I don't want to spoil it. There would never be a child's character named Dusty. It's just not- Unless he was teaching kids about the importance of hygiene. Today's lesson, here's where you find bodies. It's like rip off pig pen. I'm going to take a guess, Joe.
Starting point is 00:31:49 I'm going to go all fake. They're all real. Mr. Wizard is a real thing. Yep, they are all real. Oh. Mr. Wizard is amazing. Look him up if you've never seen him.
Starting point is 00:31:56 Why did you know Mr. Wizard? Yeah, like the Canadian Bill Nye who has no time for any kids bullshit. So he's just like, what does this do, Mr. Wizard? And he's like, shut the fuck up
Starting point is 00:32:04 when we do science. I'm a big grown man. I do static electricity. I don't know. Hell with it. You will learn about science so we can be allies to the atomic bomb.
Starting point is 00:32:21 Oh, man. That was Witch of the Following. I tried to write a Witch of the Following thing with some Nazi stuff and I just I was like
Starting point is 00:32:26 got two turned on no I like I was like I like had a moment where I was like what am I doing that's where you had that moment
Starting point is 00:32:36 yeah we've come so far yeah well yeah we already had fucking children's actors getting shot we now return
Starting point is 00:32:44 to the mean boys moment of clarity. This is the mean boys rock bottom. Well, that's the podcast for this week, guys. Thank you for listening. Thank you, mean boys and girls. Before we go, I have a couple things I want to shout out. Sure. Number one, we want to give a big thank you to the This Is Rad podcast
Starting point is 00:33:02 who said some very nice words about us. So we wanted to return the favor. If you guys have never heard of them, check the This Is Rad podcast who said some very nice words about us. So we wanted to return the favor. If you guys have never heard of them, check out This Is Rad podcast. It was by Kyle Clark and others who are not really my friends, so I don't feel the need to say their names on air. Good plug, Keith. Please download the new book
Starting point is 00:33:17 The Matchmaster by Alfonso Ochoa on the iTunes bookstore. It is like an old-time like bathroom reader, but with like internet dating advice. And I, I was crying, laughing out loud,
Starting point is 00:33:30 reading it. And it's a very, very funny, it's $3. And the last one, uh, my buddy Joe star, who's opening for me on my album recording next month.
Starting point is 00:33:37 Uh, just put out a new magazine on devastator, press.com called leg drop. If you like wrestling, uh, and you like inane comedy, which odds are this listenership very strong Venn diagram,
Starting point is 00:33:46 check it out. Very good stuff. Joe, do you have friends who do things? No, I do, but I'm going to selfishly plug my own thing. Instead, I'm going to be
Starting point is 00:33:54 at the Palm Springs Improv opening for Theo Vaughn this weekend, so that should be fun. And fuck everyone I know. How about that? I've never seen a face make a fart noise before.
Starting point is 00:34:04 That's amazing. Other than that, follow the show on Twitter at Mean Boys Podcast. Email us through the fucking website. Through the appropriate channel. Why are you so grumpy
Starting point is 00:34:15 about sending me Email us through the fucking Twitter. We need to end this and all go fucking. We need to go hug or eat a cake or something. Goodbye.
Starting point is 00:34:22 Review the show on iTunes. Sibbletons.

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