Mean Boys - EP 90 - Vandalism Bumblebee (feat. JP McDade)

Episode Date: November 16, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “NFL Press Conference”, “Did They Die?”, "Louis CK's Publicist", and a game of "Wh...ich of the Following" with roller derby players by Ryan Murphy. Get the new Misfits t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at meanboyspodcast@gmail.com or leave us a voicemail at (304) 805-6326 We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest JP McDade on Twitter: twitter.com/jp_mcdade Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everybody, it's Keith from the Mean Boys Podcast with Connor and Tom. What? We're here with another episode with the wonderful J.P. McDade out of New York. Super funny dude, super funny episode. Fucking love J.P. East Coast me. Check out Rude Boys on thecomedycentral.com, fucking place where that is. New York, New York. Sure.
Starting point is 00:00:19 Good input, Ace. The show is brought to you, as always, by Don Tartacos Carlos Emporium. Yep, that's right. Don Tartarko's Tacos Emporium. Yep, that's right. Don Tarko's Tacos Emporium. The finest in bullshit nonsense. In La Jolla, Nevada. Go down to fucking burritoface.org and get yourself some. Don Tarko's Taco Shop in La Jolla, California.
Starting point is 00:00:41 Go to eataborrito.com for more information. And all your regional burrito needs. Can't believe the sponsors dropped us. But you know who has it? Studio Headphones. Studio. All wearing them right now. Tom got his pair.
Starting point is 00:00:54 We're all studioed up. They sound fantastic. Mr. Ears is still very happy about that. Mr. Ears loves. Mr. Ears, the unbeloved character who will never make another appearance on this show. Oh, yeah. Well, his name was Mr. Ear last time. I could not give less of a hot fuck. Shut up, Tom. We is the unbeloved character who will never make another appearance on this show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, his name was Mr. Ear last time. I could not give less of a hot fuck.
Starting point is 00:01:07 Shut up, Tom. We're wearing the Regents, the premium on-ear model. These sound fantastic. They have a cord that doesn't tangle, Bluetooth capability, hours of battery life. And guess what? You can get your pair today with the promo code MEANBOYS15 for a 15% discount, ladies and gentlemen. They come from Sweden. Nothing bad comes from Sweden.
Starting point is 00:01:24 And guess what? Worldwide shipping is absolutely fucking free. Head on over to the link in the show notes or on our homepage today and check those out. And listen like a ninja. I gotta say, fucking, just sincere plug, my brother has some other off-brand fuck bullshit wireless headphones. And
Starting point is 00:01:39 Studio, like, in the time it takes to charge his, the charge that are left on my Studio's lasts like he has to charge his two or three times the time it goes off charge his, the charge that are left on my Sudio lasts, like, he has to charge his two or three times the time it goes off. Oh, yeah, these fuckers last forever. They're great. I've been using them nonstop for, like, a week, and I've had to charge it, like, twice. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:01:53 They're fucking awesome. Yeah. It's so much better than all the other fucking wireless bullshit that the rest of my family has, and now they all want Sudio. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they can get Sudio by going to the link in our show notes and using... What's the promo code?
Starting point is 00:02:05 Promo code MeanBoys15. You hear that, Stu? Promo code TacoDonCarlos. Promo code BurritoPartyComfortNinja. This game, which is the following this week, comes to us from Ryan Murphy. If you want to send in your own, which is the following game, or any other kind of submission for the Mean Boys, send them to MeanBoysPodcast.gmail.com. Or leave us a voicemail.
Starting point is 00:02:21 We haven't had any voicemails in a while. To 304-805-MEAN. That's 632-6 for all you fucking simpletons out there. And guess what? If you have any difficult moral conundrums
Starting point is 00:02:29 that are existing in a gray legal area... We will answer them poorly. We are... Connor's dying. Yeah, we... Whether you want to ask us which dick is bigger
Starting point is 00:02:39 than a butt or you want to ask us to help you with your love life or whatever's going on in your shit. Or how to launder money, probably. Yeah, we will... Which butt's bigger than a
Starting point is 00:02:46 dick? All butts are bigger than dicks. Not midgets. Okay, I don't want to have this fight with you about butts and dicks. But the point is, send us whatever you want. Leave us a voicemail. Let's get weird. Also, live show announcement. If you are in the Los Angeles area, November 30th, the Mean Boys
Starting point is 00:03:01 podcast is taking over the good night. Oh, bam, bam, bam. Here's what we know will is taking over the good night. Bam, bam, bam. Here's what we know will be there. Connor McSpadden. Me. Tom Goss. What? Presumably others.
Starting point is 00:03:12 You, hopefully. It's going to be a free show. It's going to be at 8 o'clock. It's going to be super duper fun. We'll have a lineup and a flyer and all that jazz coming out for you very soon on that. But hold the date. November 30th. Good night bar in North Hollywood, California. Blah, blah, blah.
Starting point is 00:03:26 And guess what? You can leave us a review on iTunes. Five-star review with a positive fucking comment. Or a weird comment. As long as you have the five stars. I don't really care. We got a couple new ones from International. Ooh. Overseas? Yeah, how do I say? From overseas? Overseas would have been a good way to say that. Instead of saying from International.
Starting point is 00:03:42 Yeah, from World Parts. This one, subject line toilet. Great. Left to us by Sir Fish Boy from Australia. Every time I listen to a new episode, I pee blood. That's the whole review. Thank you for those five stars. Sir Fish Boy.
Starting point is 00:04:00 And so mean hit or miss part two by mean poise from the United Kingdom. Don't know what you're getting at there, but thank you very much. If you want to leave a review, head over and fucking do it today. Don't you have to spell toilet backwards in Australia? No, you simple bitch. He was trolling you.
Starting point is 00:04:16 That was well done, Tom. Oh, and if you don't want to leave us an iTunes review because it's too difficult to remember your password, just give us some money on patreon.com slash meanboys. Yeah. We're at 75% of our second goal. And once we reach that motherfucker, we'll be doing six shows a month. That's the weekly show in addition to two bonus episodes per month.
Starting point is 00:04:31 We want to get it up to twice a week at some point. Support has been outstanding this month. In the goodie bag, we got another sticker pack. We got St. Chad dropping. We got the Mean Boys Misfits logo. And also Space Godzilla. He Godzilla's in space. We're going to hook Tom up with one one of his own key chains that he doesn't
Starting point is 00:04:45 have yet very shortly we're gonna have that all the other shit mailed out soon so thank you for your support on that you're helping us by you know this various fucking
Starting point is 00:04:53 food basics of life yeah it's so weird to see my face on keys enjoy this week's episode with JP McDade no it's a genuine thing it's like oh wow my face is the
Starting point is 00:05:06 opening of your house welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. This just in. Best way to get back at your parents is to die before them. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm J.P. McDade. And I'm...
Starting point is 00:05:33 Larry the Cable Guy's Cable Guy. Tom is currently wearing his camouflage free Mighty Ducks hat. Yep, yep. Very free. Which was very too natural. And it's Anaheim Ducks. Oh, they're the Mighty Ducks. Shut up. They were the Mighty... I'm not going to fight about this. There's no city called Mighty, yep. Very free. And it's Anaheim ducks. Oh, they're the Mighty Ducks. Shut up. They were the Mighty... I'm not going to find out.
Starting point is 00:05:47 There's no city called Mighty, Keith. Yeah. Yeah, they were the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Or the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. I don't know why I'm choosing... They were the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Yeah, why am I dying on this hill? To be fair, you die on most hills, but you just don't get all the way up first. Tight. Awesome. J.P. McDade is here.
Starting point is 00:06:04 Hey, hey. Hey, man. Yeah, thanks for coming. Of course, man. Thanks for having me. We showed JP around the crack house a little bit. Any first impressions you want to share with the listeners? Oh, God. There's nothing in this house that isn't dripping. It's like vaguely haunted, but those are just loose fluids that have accumulated.
Starting point is 00:06:19 It's haunted by like a humid ghost. It's scary, but also sweaty. It's haunted by poverty and bad decision-making and financial planning. J.P., before we get into the opening segment, the hot controversy in comedy, obviously, right now. New York pizza or L.A. pizza? Where do you stand? You've been here for about 48 hours. You know, there were rumors for a long time that L.A. pizza was really bad, and we all kind of turned a blind eye to it
Starting point is 00:06:46 because we respected the city for so long. Yeah, yeah. And we didn't want them to be true. But then this New York Times piece exposing the shittiness of L.A. pizza that came out the other day, it really brought it all to light and it's very disturbing.
Starting point is 00:07:01 I feel like what makes the New York pedophiles better is the water. I think that's what it is. Because they're just hopped up on... Yeah, kids are more hydrated so they're better looking. The plumpa.
Starting point is 00:07:10 No wrinkles. All right? If I'm fucking a three-year-old, I don't want crow's feet. Okay? I don't want baby fat on this baby I'm fucking. Yeah, I understand
Starting point is 00:07:18 you got a gluten-free diet, but that's not doing wonders for my chub. All right. I feel like Tom genuinely wasn't sure if we were doing a bit or legitimately talking about pizza. I was fucking kids here.
Starting point is 00:07:29 Yo. Wait, was there another person busted as a pedophile? Probably. I mean, I haven't looked at my phone in ages. Oh, okay. It's a preemptive strike. Sure, why not? Take that.
Starting point is 00:07:41 And then who's the producer? Just put it in and post. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to do a timestamp. Yeah, I can't believe Tom Hanks. Yeah, well, it also sucks because I'm like, I'll get tweets. It was like, Connor, there's all these dead kids.
Starting point is 00:07:56 I didn't hear a single. I didn't hear a peep about him on Mean Boys. You guys have dropped the ball. And I'm like, well, we have to record this before there's editing that goes into it. Yeah. All right. Fuck it. We're all fired up.
Starting point is 00:08:04 Let's get into the mexican joe kauf gang all right uh i'll fucking uh take us away i guess dementia has overtaken heart disease is the most deadly disease in britain rounding at the podium in the third place for the 600th year in the row is being super ugly itis have you ever actually have you ever actually been i was in the england airport yes yep i was in the england airport for like four hours and i was like every single human being here it looks undercooked the famous england airport i don't remember the london airport in the uk they call it a plane house all right fuck you and you're the high bus.
Starting point is 00:08:47 I'm sorry, I don't go to the New England airport where you just light black people on fire and shovel them into the engine room. What's wrong with you? You fly into New England airport on the JFK Jr. You get on your horse and you ride to your... Does JFK Jr. have an airport? He did. No, he had a plane.
Starting point is 00:09:01 I thought you were going to say that. Oh, okay. Seems like a bad omen. And also, he didn't really... He was just kind of a businessman. He sure as shit had a plane. He sure as shit wasn't a pilot. I'll he had a plane. I thought you were going to say that. Oh, okay. Seems like a bad omen. And also, he didn't really... He was just kind of a business man. He sure as shit had a plane. He sure as shit wasn't a pilot. I'll tell you that much.
Starting point is 00:09:09 But I love that you said it was dementia that was the number one cause of death in England because that makes it sound like there's some woman who voted for Brexit who's now named dementia and just fucks people up all over the English countryside. Dementia's coming for you.
Starting point is 00:09:23 Get all the Muslims out. I feel like one tough American black woman could kill everyone in England or like Gina Yashir if she was in a tizzy could just take out half the fucking population kicking people in their doughy chest you're dirty all of you are dirty
Starting point is 00:09:38 I'm the king now alright I'll go Andrew Kreisberg producer of Arrow, Supergirl, and The Flash has been accused by 19 women of sexual misconduct. He's assaulted so many women they're renaming the CW to the CK. Damn. Pow, pow, pow. Alright, well, good enough.
Starting point is 00:09:56 Alright, guys. I hate to tell us to be more supportive, but we got four more of these each. Let's all feign a little enthusiasm. Excitement. JP. Oh, man, you guys are getting a treat.
Starting point is 00:10:10 You're hearing the very first draft of my Tonight Show packet that I've been working on. So, like, the worst of the worst. Fucking many residents of the small Greek isle of Ikaria have lived to more than 100 years of age. Researchers believe it's because that's how long it takes to figure out that stupid alphabet. Finally, speaking truth to power, what really matters? The Greek alphabet.
Starting point is 00:10:33 It's had it too good for too long. Why do they have so many syllables in their fucking letters? It makes no sense to me. What? Well, you haven't mastered the regular letters. Did you say zyklon? What is W if not a three-syllable letter?
Starting point is 00:10:50 Antifa. Brexit. Kumquat. Antifa's that lady that killed everyone in England, right? A man molested a child and then fell to his death in an attempt to escape. When the child heard the man who diddled his stick fell to his death, he simply stated, Jenga. What?
Starting point is 00:11:08 What? How do you think Jenga works, Tom? You diddle a stick and then it falls down. You diddle a stick. I always lose. Maybe I play it wrong. Perhaps you do. It was a stretch.
Starting point is 00:11:19 I was trying. Did I get it? Like you get two knuckles deep in Jenga when you press it? See? New York is sick. Two knuckles deep in Jenga. See? New York is... Two knuckles deep in Jenga. You always just tell the tower, don't tell your dad, don't tell your dad. No, and then you have the impulse and you start bending the fingers up trying to hit the G spot.
Starting point is 00:11:34 You're like, ah, fuck, I lost again. The J spot, yeah. The J spot? That's a black comedy club. That's not how you make a woman come. You don't get into her pussy and be like, yo, beat your kids. Tonight at the J spot. Showtime, 8 o'clock, really, 10.30. I'll tell you, if there's a kid in there, I'm beating that kid.
Starting point is 00:11:50 I'm in the back walls, gang. Yo, beat your kids. You guys can't see, we all high-fived in unison. A Norwegian billionaire has commissioned the construction of the world's largest yacht to be used for oceanic research and trash collection. The Center for Aquatic Conservation said in a statement, frankly, we're just glad a billionaire is building a yacht
Starting point is 00:12:04 for something other than weird pedophile shit. The pedophile yachts, baby. That was like the snaps of like, I like it, but also my uncle has one of those yachts. We had a good summer. If you thought about this, like how all of these pedophile information coming
Starting point is 00:12:19 to light and shit like that, it kind of makes you think that has to be the reason yachts were built. That's what they're for. You go out in international waters, you can live out there for a while. It's a questionable legal gray area. Yeah, it's just like, well, we want to fuck kids in the ocean, but we need it to be roomy. Let's play a quick game.
Starting point is 00:12:35 Over or under, how many orgasms has JP had on a yacht? I'm going to say six. Define a yacht. Any kind of boat. Look around you. Do you think we understand the distinctions? It could be an inner tube. You're in a sweating house right now.
Starting point is 00:12:52 A yacht is anything that floats. This is damp enough. Frankly, I'll take a pair of water wings. That's not a smoky kitchen I'm looking at. That's a galley. That's where the gate started. Have you jerked off on a yacht? I've never come on a yacht.
Starting point is 00:13:06 I don't think I've ever been on a yacht. No, I have. I have. I went to a yacht open house one time, and it was pretty awesome. I think that story really means Tom stole a boat. No, they wouldn't let me drive it. I snuck into somebody's yacht one time. You snuck into someone's yacht one time?
Starting point is 00:13:20 No, that was Tom's. Oh, okay. I actually did sneak onto somebody's boat once, but it was parked in their driveway. You stowed away? Yeah, I got hammered. Oh, you were like the Boston bomber? Yeah, I got hammered drunk
Starting point is 00:13:32 and I blacked out and then I woke up naked on a dude's boat in a city I'd never been to. And my friends were just throwing beer cans over the boat like, dude, we gotta get
Starting point is 00:13:40 the fuck out of here. The cops are coming. No, that was the police launching beanbag cannons. Get the fuck out of there, Kerry. Oh,. No, that was the police launching beanbag cannons. Get the fuck out of there, Kerry. I don't want to. I want to party in the boat. You shot my partner.
Starting point is 00:13:51 I thought this was a lunch bag-sized bag of Fritos. Fuck. All right. Whose turn is it? It's your turn. Okay, cool. Scientists have discovered that sheep have the ability to recognize celebrities on a television screen. This is both an important discovery and the
Starting point is 00:14:06 mission statement of the E! Network. Hey. We all sheep. Yeah. For them damn celebs. God, I already hate all these jokes. Yeah, these are not great. I'm just glad that we all were bad at the same time. It makes me feel a lot better about what I did. You should. Yours was still objectively the worst. Yeah. Objectively.
Starting point is 00:14:21 That's a good point, yeah. At least ours had the structure of things that make sense in the human world. I'm glad this isn't a situation where we all suck and then Zach and Eli come in and blow our dicks off.
Starting point is 00:14:30 That was embarrassing. Yeah, it was. Eli comes in with 145 perfect jokes written. Yeah, yeah. I had one written a while ago. And a pair of barrel overalls. Adorable hillbilly.
Starting point is 00:14:43 Yeah. He's the best. He, uh... What was that? The joke. The New Hampshire state legislature struck down a law that would ban
Starting point is 00:14:50 marriages between adults and women under 18. Love wins. Very good. What lawyer is like spearheading that movement?
Starting point is 00:15:02 I was hoping that when you said the Tonight Show packet, I was hoping they would all be in Jimmy Fallon's voice, where you'd just be like, hey, guys. No, because I write them all in Leno's voice. Oh, okay, you're with Tonight Show.
Starting point is 00:15:12 Have you guys ever heard about this? It's real. Conspiracy. When I was 14, I had a part-time job. I don't see the big problem here. They got a name with Timbal on the pizza plate. It was recently discovered Muhammad Al-Araf, I had a part-time job. I don't see the big problem yet. I'm just saying, they got a nameless Timbal on the pizza plate. Yeah, they're pleasant. Pleasant people. It was recently discovered Muhammad L. Aref, a famous Middle Eastern social media star,
Starting point is 00:15:31 is a recruiter for ISIS. Americans would never look up to someone like that. Cough, cough. I never owned a copy of Shameless. Oh, the U.S. UK special. Owned a copy threw me off. Yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:15:42 Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm glad there's a pensive. Okay. I understood the kind of maybe Well, I'm glad there's a pensive. Okay. I understood the kind of maybe. You've gone from what to technically a joke. My number three, you should be making sentences.
Starting point is 00:15:55 Yeah. I'm going the wrong way, man. You're building momentum, baby. I got to derail it. Yeah, that is your kind of thing. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? It was never on the rails.
Starting point is 00:16:04 That's my brand. Okay, Connor. Yeah, for someone who rides the rails. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? It was never on the rails. That's my brand! Okay, Connor. Yeah, for someone who rides the rails, never have you once been on them. Was that a joke? No, that was calling you a transient. That was calling you a boxcar jumping transient. Like a hobo.
Starting point is 00:16:16 Yeah. A windowsill pie smuggling fucking street hooligan. All my possessions in a bindle. In a past life, I for sure stole a pie off a windowsill. In the current life, but you just forgot about it, for sure. You had a bindle, and you're like, why is it all sticky? And you're like, oh yeah, I forgot I blacked out and committed fucking baked good theft.
Starting point is 00:16:36 Just walking by a battered women's shelter, just stealing a pie off a windowsill. Bill Gates has bought 25,000 acres of land in a city outside Arizona to construct what he's calling a smart city. The community will feature solar roads, composting centers, and a lot of people talking about Rick and Morty.
Starting point is 00:16:52 Yes. Yeah. Legendary porn star. Because that's what you like, if you're smart. Good job, Connor. Well, sorry. It's actually for people who have a certain IQ.
Starting point is 00:17:01 You can't condescend to me, Tom. I can and I will. Legendary porn star Shiloh Styles died at the age of 35. I know. Yeah, for real. No way. It's truly a sad day when we have to cremate somebody who ate so much cream. Dude, I remember Shiloh Styles, man.
Starting point is 00:17:20 I was kind of wondering what happened to her. I was not familiar with her. Well, we know what happened to her now. What happened to her? Did she just get like... I mean, here's the thing. She was kind of wondering what happened to her. I was not familiar with her work. Well, we know what happened to her now. What happened to her? Did she just get like... I mean, here's the thing. She was a porn star and she's dead at 35.
Starting point is 00:17:29 They didn't know yet, but there's not going to be a good version of it. Yeah, it's probably drugs. Well, the ones that have... The ones that get like AIDS or whatever, they come like Naomi Russell.
Starting point is 00:17:37 That goes like public. You know, people hear about that. Exactly, yeah. Ate too many pies on windowsills. It means something different, but yes. I remember when i played yugioh online there's a dude i used to do all the time and his name was just shiloh styles or whatever
Starting point is 00:17:51 and he's just like well yeah i get more people to go in duels with me if i'm named as though they think like oh i'm playing online yugioh with a porn star and by the way this dude was just a jab he did not speak english he's very japanese you know and uh yeah i was just i was like all right i could have been playing with osama bin laden oh yeah he was in all that weeboo shit you guys see what was on osama bin laden's computer that's fucking it wasn't just like a bunch of anime and like nerds video games one of the just like memes but a similar kind of video game where you have a gamer tag and you go around and you shoot well yeah and just like half-life 2 mods and shit like you could just do that in real life why did he play that's a good point he already beat the
Starting point is 00:18:24 hardest level on that in real life. Yeah, he already put his initials into the scoreboard of terrorism. All right. It's just fucking O whatever B L A S S. This strikes me as an ASS guy. This is DTA death to America. Did you hear about how they fucking actually caught us on the line with that fake Blood Drive thing? Wait, what?
Starting point is 00:18:45 They said that they were like... Yeah, because he cared about the kids and he just wanted to donate. No, they did a thing where they did something without the consent of the Syrian government to start a blood drive because apparently they said there's some infection going around. I forget the exact pretenses for doing it. But then they found some of his DNA in the community so they could tell he was close from that blood drive. It's fucking wild, right? But they had his DNA to begin with. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:19:07 Osama bin Laden donated blood? No, he didn't, but his family members did, or they had to. It was compulsory for some reason. And this was like, and Syria was all mad because they were like, you didn't fucking tell us. And they were like, well, yeah, you guys were going to be cool about it. Anyway, JP. This has been Connor's half history
Starting point is 00:19:23 podcast. Hardcore history with Connor's Half History Podcast. Hardcore history with Connor McSpadden. Osama Bin Laden. When I played Yu-Gi-Oh! in the summer of 2013, I found myself at a crossroads. Was I going to continue my macroeconomic community college studies or drop my calculus class to do open mics? And one day, I saw a porn star name pop up on my screen. It was too good to be true.
Starting point is 00:19:44 I'd seen her... You get it. That was not a bad Dan Carlin. I'll tell you that. That was pretty decent. Rapper Meek Mill has been sentenced to two years of prison for violating probation by riding a dirt bike. This stems from a prior conviction of not doing his homework.
Starting point is 00:20:01 He got two years for riding a fucking dirt bike? That's like the blurb I heard. How is that even legal? That's insane. He must have been riding it in the wrong place. You can't ride them anywhere. He was riding it into a 14-year-old's vagina.
Starting point is 00:20:12 Is that true? He was riding it away from the taxi. Some sick air. A dog... A dog owner is claiming the image of Donald Trump is in their dog's ear. The owner knew something was wrong when his dog kept pressing his ear against his wife's pussy. Okay. Oh, my God, Tom.
Starting point is 00:20:36 Okay. The most technically a joke so far, though. Can we agree on... Reluctantly, I suppose we can. Lord almighty. All right. And mine's going to be worse, so it doesn't matter. A Maryland woman underwent a botched eyelash extension and had her eyes glued shut.
Starting point is 00:20:54 On the bright side, now she can't see what a stupid asshole she looks like. Wait, she had a botched what? Eyelash extension, and then her eyes got glued shut. That's insane. Like walking around looking like she's doing an offensive short round impression for a while. What, they got woven together like a Chinook basket? So badly. Why would you even fucking put on fake ones?
Starting point is 00:21:13 JP only knows what a Chinook basket is because that's what his ancestors put smallpox in. You've never been to Pier 1? What are you talking about? No, look around you. What about this place screamsense? This wasn't decorated at fucking... This was decorated at We Found It on the Curb.
Starting point is 00:21:32 Home goods. This is the store Not Good Enough for Goodwill edition. This is bad will. For the listeners, every piece of furniture in this house was left behind at a crime scene. Very true. Step around the chalk outline of the child.
Starting point is 00:21:48 There's still like fingerprint dust on most things that we haven't wiped up. You can almost hear like, don't you hurt my dog. I think the only gas we ever cleaned for was cow canine. And even then we felt it looked shitty. And then we're like, oh, we really spruced it up. And then we're like, but I mean, relatively. Yeah. And he immediately was like, oh, it's gross here.
Starting point is 00:22:05 Domino's delivered me an unsliced pizza. Worst place I've ever seen. All right. So what would happen if Kyle Kinane and Dan Carlin met each other? No, I'm kidding. Good question. A man has been banned. You know I wasn't trying to do improv.
Starting point is 00:22:18 A man has been banned from an Ohio. Oh, bleh. Fuck. Shit. A man has been banned from an Ohio college after repeatedly fingering strangers' belly buttons. In a statement, the dean of the university declared him an outie. I like that. They're cute molestation jokes.
Starting point is 00:22:35 Oh, it's my turn. We go rapid fire. A document leaked called the Paradise Papers has exposed the tax dodging efforts of the world's wealthiest people, one of whom is Prince Charles. This is a shocking revelation. Apparently, you have to pay taxes even if you have a fake job. has exposed the tax-dodging efforts of the world's wealthiest people, one of whom is Prince Charles. This is a shocking revelation. Apparently, you have to pay taxes even if you have a fake job. That's fun.
Starting point is 00:22:51 Well, Paradise Papers, I was like, that has to be like a new Mike Will Made It mixtape. When I saw that trending, I was like, okay. Paradise Papers. Yeah, I was like, what did Drake do? Close. What is it? Is it just like a list of how rich people
Starting point is 00:23:01 stole money or something? Something like that, yeah. It's like, yeah, tax evasion, like tax shelters that people use. Okay. So it's basically just what Alex Jones is going to be yelling about for the next year. Ah, I've seen the documents.
Starting point is 00:23:12 Now, I've scanned these documents, and let me tell you, this is one thing I can confirm exclusively on this program here tonight. These people have left a lot of pizza grease on these documents. The first letter of each paragraph spills out,
Starting point is 00:23:24 Connor McSpadden is a pedophile. Now, these documents the first letter of each paragraph spills out connor mcspadden is a pedophile now it's not always the first sometimes the second or third but i see what you're doing globalists now in order to provide you laser sharp insights like these we uh do ask you that you support some of our sponsors now we're sponsored by an all new tactical brand of pantyhose made out of pure kevlar mesh Perfect for not getting raped by the globalist school. Tom, go ahead. A man had to go to the emergency room when he got his penis stuck in the hole of a 2.5 pound dumbbell.
Starting point is 00:23:53 You can't do stories about yourself. It's been over this. It wasn't me. Twitter is saying there's nothing substantial about the dumbbell's claims and that the dumbbell probably made it up to get the man's money. Hey, there we go. I like that. I probably made it up to get the man's money. Hey, there we go.
Starting point is 00:24:06 I like that. I'll turn it up. Sounds like heavy stuff. Go to hell. Go right there. We gave you credit for half a second, and this is how you repay us. Ah, that's what I do. Like that was your sitcom kid.
Starting point is 00:24:21 Hey, that's what I do. Tom is the only West Coast mook. Yeah, he really... Well, Tom defies geography. If I had to say you were from a place, I would say, I don't know, beneath the Earth's crust, perhaps, would be good. Yeah, no.
Starting point is 00:24:36 All the West Coasters think I'm from New York. All the East Coasters think I'm from fucking somewhere else. You're from like, if mole people have a Cleveland. You're like a working class sewer person. Or just anyone from Scranton. I love the office. You know the other people where Lila lives in Futurama?
Starting point is 00:24:54 You're one of them. But you didn't get like an extra foot on your head. You just got your brain. If you want to picture Scranton, Pennsylvania, picture the office and then add three or four chromosomes to every person. Wow. This is some real great mid-Atlantic elitism right here. In the real office, Kevin is the hot one. The tri-state area, okay?
Starting point is 00:25:13 Get it right. Get my regional bigotry correct. All right. The Department of Homeland Security plans to conduct chemical weapons tests on the border of Kansas and Oklahoma. The department said in their official statement, we might not be able to create manufacturing jobs, but the least we can do for you guys is manufacture some Jobes. Again, that's a New Yorker, Connor.
Starting point is 00:25:33 Jobes or Jobs? Jobes, like the Bible. I was going to do a bunch of really... Oh, I was thinking of Arrested Development. I don't know. Nope, nope, that was not... I forget that was a Bible dude, too. Tom, very quick. Explain what you think the story of Job is about
Starting point is 00:25:48 About a guy he wants to be a magician And then he knows You fucking asshole Alright can I do a worse one to redeem myself Sure A 10 month old baby in Mexico weighs a whopping 62 pounds In a related story Keith's dad moved to Mexico last year God damn it I was like we made it through a whole round Mexico weighs a whopping 62 pounds. In a related story, Keith's dad moved to Mexico last year.
Starting point is 00:26:07 God damn it. I was like, we made it through a whole round. The production of The Secret Life of Pets 2 has been halted in the wake of Louis C.K.'s abuse scandal. In related news, some intern at Pixar has been assigned to keep Tim Allen from saying any Trump shit until Toy Story 4 is done. Huh? Huh?
Starting point is 00:26:24 The alt-right tool time. We need more power in the state legislatures to gerrymander so we can add this amendment about fucking abortion. The episode where Wilson is hiding his face behind a Klan robe. Dude, white power. White power, neighbor. That's the fucking country improvement. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:26:47 Why does he always cover his face, though? Who, Wilson? Yeah. Pedophile. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. That one fizzled out.
Starting point is 00:26:55 JP. There's a new Michael Jackson album out called Scream. Does this guy have no self-awareness? I think I have that album. I think I have two of them. A friend of ours that we went to a hockey game with, he works for Michael Jackson's estate. Really? Yeah, accounting or something.
Starting point is 00:27:12 Great guy. And they gave him just a crate of those. Because it's just the Michael Jackson Halloween album. They gave him a crate of fentanyl. And so he was literally... Yeah, this is just what we scooped off the walls at Neverland. But yeah, and he just gave everyone a copy of this fucking thing on CD, and I'm like, nobody wants it.
Starting point is 00:27:28 I just gave mine to a Denny's waitress in lieu of a tip. Did you hear that Escape album? That shit was great. No. It was fantastic. I'm a Michael Jackson fan. I've never heard... He's got...
Starting point is 00:27:39 I like that Annie's Not Okay song, but besides that, I've never... I guarantee, I don't know what you're talking about. That's for sure a Prince song. That is for sure. That's Alien Ant Farm. It's actually, I think it's easier to listen to music made by horrible people than it is to listen to a comedy made by horrible people. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:57 Really? Yeah. I think it's easier to separate the art from the person. You know what? I disagree with you, and then I remember, I do like Phil Spector. Yeah. Phil Spector is a fucking run-or. The Wallace Sound never shot anybody. Wallace Sound never blocked the door.
Starting point is 00:28:12 Jesus Christ, everyone sucks so bad, and I want to die. Yeah. Anyway. Speaking of which, let me make it a little bit worse. That's the best moment is when Tom stares glassy-eyed into the distance and forgets what to do, what he's done 40 times on this podcast. During a heist of a donut shop, robbers shared food with civilians caught in the crossfire.
Starting point is 00:28:33 It's being called the Keith Carey remake of Robin Hood. Oh, fuck you! You made fun of me the most this round. I wouldn't share the donuts. I'll hold them in my back like, R.B. Sauce! R.B.B. Sauce Oh yeah you're the sharing Applebee's The sheriff of nodding honey baked ham
Starting point is 00:28:51 Alright well that was a That happened that was a Mexican joke I love all you guys That's a little weird for JP you guys just met He understands Right JP? Kind of Just nod your head, JP.
Starting point is 00:29:06 Why are you trying to start your car from the inside? More aggressively, JP. I'm just blinking twice at Connor and Keith. Is this the tone? Your eyes can't help you here. Is this the tone we want to take this week, Hank? All right, let me buzz right back after some bullshit. Swoosh.
Starting point is 00:29:20 And now, a moment with Louis C.K.'s publicist. Shelley, sell the Bitcoin. We're going to Mexico tonight. That was a moment with Louis C.K.'s publicist. Ladies and gentlemen, Commissioner of the NFL Roger Goodell will now take your questions. Hello everyone. Very happy to be here. And I'm excited to hear your questions and concerns for this midseason press conference.
Starting point is 00:29:55 Yes, you. There have been so many injuries from star players in the season. Do you think it's affected the ratings for the NFL? Well, I think that football is always a fun sport to watch no matter who is playing. And I think that football is always a fun sport to watch no matter who is playing. And I think that if it does affect ratings, it doesn't affect the overall excitement of the sport.
Starting point is 00:30:11 Next. I'm sorry. Is something wrong? No, I'm sorry, sir. I have a condition. Okay. Are you sick? Oh, no, sir.
Starting point is 00:30:22 I have an allergy. All right. What are you allergic to? I'd rather an allergy. Alright, what are you allergic to? I'd rather not say. Well, what's your name? Allergique to bullshit. Ah, I see. I'm being
Starting point is 00:30:36 pranked for one of your little YouTube things. I got it. Oh, it's on your name tag. I see. Well, what does the T stand for? Trois. Trois. All right. Of course. Yep.
Starting point is 00:30:47 Anyway, do you have a question or are you just coughing? Yeah. With even more evidence of NFL concussions, what are you doing to protect the players? Well, I'm very concerned about player safety. And we are looking into it. But as of now, there has been no connection of football to head trauma. I'm sorry, are you going to be okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Starting point is 00:31:14 I'm fine. Okay, good. I'm sure there are... Sorry. Sure, there are, um, sorry, uh, there are things to substantiate your, uh, claims. Thank you. You have something on your face, by the way. It's a hive. I'm sure you care very much about your layers. Oh my god, sir, your nose is bleeding. I'm okay. How do you
Starting point is 00:31:48 feel about your players kneeling during the anthem? Well, I think as Americans we should all stand for the national anthem. Are you saying that because you're losing sponsors?
Starting point is 00:32:04 No. Look, okay, this is ridiculous. Of course we put this country and the players before our own wallet. I'm sorry. Are you okay? You need to leave. You can leave if you want to. No, please stop bullshitting.
Starting point is 00:32:27 Hey, I'll tell you. I'm an honest man, and we care about our... We're trying to have a press conference. I have to ask you to leave. I have to ask... Okay, okay. This is the least professional the NFL has ever looked. And the Mean Boys podcast is back with a round of one of our favorite games, Did They Die?
Starting point is 00:33:05 JP, if you've never played before, basically we're going to go through some weird news stories about some terrible shit that happened to people, and we have to figure out if they died or not. Can I just say you kicked up your radio voice several notches when you were introducing that segment. I know what I have to do. Well, Connor, it was great. You're like, and we're getting new news. Well, Connor yells at me every time because I throw it back like a normal person. He's like, no, you've got to put the stand down. No, what happens is you stutter like a buffoon. No, that's me.
Starting point is 00:33:18 No, that's me too. Yeah. And I do it too, but the least of all of you, which is shocking because you do it a lot. I feel like I get my never mind I just stammered right into that I don't know what you thought was going to happen
Starting point is 00:33:31 I had nothing well look there's a certain level of professionalism that the Mean Boys have decided is cheesy so I do like that we're well beneath that
Starting point is 00:33:37 well hi welcome to the Mean Boys okay alright I actually kind of like Tom is that can you do the rest of the segment as that guy of course
Starting point is 00:33:44 I'll tell you this guy might not have, but he had himself a bad Thursday. This week on the main boys, we're looking into the mortality of life. We're giving away free koozies. Koozie, koozie, koozie. Koozie Tuesday. Koozie Tuesday. It's dipshit in the butt. Let's get into it, Keith.
Starting point is 00:34:02 JP is just like, why did I waste this Uber money to do this horrible podcast? Joke's on you. I walked like two miles through a questionable neighborhood. Oh, there's no question. It's terrifying. Yeah, yeah. There's a new kind of desperation. No, here's what people thought about you in that neighborhood.
Starting point is 00:34:20 Oh, that one guy who always gets tacos in his workout pants is actually looking pretty good these days. That's what they thought. They saw me and they're like, no, it's the guy who did this to us. He's come to put up the juice bar. He did the interest rates. He's come to have a very specific coffee order. Oh, God, the big short has come here. I can see you dealing drugs.
Starting point is 00:34:41 Maybe they thought that. Thanks, man. That's the coolest anyone's ever called me. I can see you selling your little brother's Oxy. I was about to say, let's be very clear, JP. Pills. I can see you dealing drugs. Maybe they thought that. Thanks, man. That's the coolest anyone's ever called me. I can see you selling your little brother's Oxy. I was about to say, let's be very clear, JP. Pills. I can see you selling pills. I wasn't going to get prescription pills. I wanted to have some street cred.
Starting point is 00:34:52 I was the guy in the 60s selling his mom's Speed. Like maybe you've seen Molly once. This is like a Nintendo. I did Molly once. I'll never do it again. Oh, really? That's the level of lameness I'm at. I went to a party and somebody tried to give it to me for the first time. And I wanted to do it, but I got scared because I'm a baby. I'll never do it again. Oh, really? That's the level of lameness I'm at. I went to a party, and then somebody tried to give it to me for the first time, and I
Starting point is 00:35:05 wanted to do it, but I got scared because I'm a baby. The comedown fucking sucks. It's the absolute worst drug for your brain. It's fucking terrible for your serotonin system. It's like putting your brain on a treadmill at the highest level for seven hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where'd you do it at? What was the location?
Starting point is 00:35:19 It was at a cool party that I was at several years ago. Okay, all right. I got invited to a really cool party by cool guys. I had my real friends called me up. My buddy was house-sitting at this ridiculous place in a really nice part of Brooklyn, and we just stayed up all night
Starting point is 00:35:35 just doing Molly and talking and drinking beers. That was great. And then the next day, I wanted to kill myself all day. Don't do drugs, kids. I still kind of want to. I don't do Molly, Keith. I might do Molly. I'm only really interested in two drugs, and it's heroin and DMT.
Starting point is 00:35:52 The rest of them I have no interest in. Real casual. They don't sound good to me, but heroin and DMT. It's heroin and a leaf. I get this shoulder thing, and I hear that that's better for inflammation. Don't you do DMT through your butthole or is that like a thing I just like heard somewhere?
Starting point is 00:36:06 Keith, what middle schoolers tricked you? Don't act like that's insane that people would do drugs in their butthole. I've seen people do drugs up their butthole. We've all done drugs
Starting point is 00:36:13 through our butthole. We're fucking adults. No, we all have not. Okay, well. Vodka. That's the only way to take vodka. Have you ever butt chugged?
Starting point is 00:36:21 I've never put anything in my ass. I don't recommend it. Not even like a medicine or a finger or like a Sharpie cap? Like a dude's dick? Well, I mean, no, I haven't. I've heard too many horror stories. Sharpie cap is so specific.
Starting point is 00:36:35 No, you wouldn't go the cap. You'd go the base of the Sharpie. Right. You know? Then you can write your name. Squat over a paper and write your name. You're a vandalism bumblebee. By the way, that's how we sign all the Patreon rewards, gang, is when we send those out.
Starting point is 00:36:48 I put a Sharpie up my butt. Wait, now we found out how Shiloh Stiles died. All right, let's get into Did They Die? All right, first one. It was a normal day at an elementary school in Sydney, Australia. Then a car drove through the wall of a classroom. Did anybody die? Ooh, Australian kids, I feel like, have better reflexes.
Starting point is 00:37:07 You know, you're walking to school. Hey, fuck you, car! Get out! They lift it in tandem and throw it out into the street. Just one kid just fucking uppercuts his Subaru. You scram with your super bike. That's what they call cars. They're very confusing.
Starting point is 00:37:23 They're very new to it. One of them Robo-roos. Oh, interesting. Through the wall of a school. Well, I am shocked to find out that places in Australia have walls. I thought it was more of like a tarp type system. And school, so that they just put you out in the woods when you were eight, and if you came back, you were a man.
Starting point is 00:37:39 Yeah, they give you a dull knife, and you're like, figure it out. Good luck. If you make it back here by fucking the future, you graduated. future you graduated bring back 10 scalps and you're the prime minister no have i talked about my prime minister facts two prime ministers one went for a swim and was never seen again and the other guy is like very well known for beer chugging like he like keith and i watched compilations of him uh just what they call it sculling a pint is when you like chug a beer and keith uh if you will, hit them with your line about the compilations.
Starting point is 00:38:07 I don't remember what it was. Oh, he's just like, a lot of compilations of this guy beer chugging, not a lot of compilations of him prime ministering. No, actually that is what you do
Starting point is 00:38:15 as the prime minister. Yeah, that's how you pass a law. Yeah, you don't sign it. I'm trying for prime ministering. Scallon biz. That's a pretty good Aussie accent. Oh, thank you. did jim jeffries
Starting point is 00:38:25 for a trick or treat this year oh very nice boys for a while it was a lot of fun just saying bad words oh dude like having the like when i was in ireland just like having fucking diplomatic immunity on cunt what a dream dude like it's ever stopped vitamin c like a guy brought me ketchup thanks cunt you know oh what'd you say about vitamin C? That's what cunt is. That's the closest thing we have. Yeah, I'm going to say that nobody died. Okay. Nobody died? I'm going to say people died.
Starting point is 00:38:54 Yeah, I think a couple kids, maybe a teacher, a person in the car, or just someone. Worst episode of Summer Heights High ever. I don't know what that is, but the correct answer is two kids died! Hooray! Obviously, that know what that is, but the correct answer is two kids died. Hooray! Okay, so obviously that's not that funny, but it's kind of funny.
Starting point is 00:39:09 So there were 24 kids. It was the kids driving. Stacked up on top of each other. We're trying to get to the arcade. No, two kids died. 21 of them got hurt. And then there's one kid who was just fine. So you're like, he's in the back.
Starting point is 00:39:22 Just like, I guess half day? You all laughed at me when you said like, he's in the back, just like, I guess half day? You all laughed at me when you said I couldn't learn from the back. So I'm getting an A on me assignments then, right? Alright, number two. A prostitute in Washington State was getting her pussy eaten by a client. He was so bad at it, she shot him.
Starting point is 00:39:38 Wow. Did he die? Wow. More importantly, who is eating a hooker's prostitute? No. It's like a whole Wow More importantly Who is eating a hooker's prostitute? Or no Who is eating a hooker's She is It's like a whole Multi-level marketing Pimp system
Starting point is 00:39:49 Where she's like Well you sign up Three hookers And then you're In my hooker tier And then we're just Making money doing nothing Sperm alive
Starting point is 00:39:55 Sperm I'm fucking Well you're shooting them I feel like you shoot them In the head Because it's right there You know That makes sense And also how hard It's not that hard to eat pussy i don't like this whole myth that it's a big fucking mystery it's just fucking small circles yeah
Starting point is 00:40:12 you dingus at the top again and i told this to some people at the shows out in minneapolis that were there were mean boys guys that were virgins i was like the hole is lower than you think it's gonna be the clit is higher than you think it's gonna be and if And if you're a virgin listening, and I know you're out there. If you hit the belly button of the asshole, flip a U-turn. You'll find what you're looking for. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to say he's alive. Because I feel like if he died, I feel like she could cover it up.
Starting point is 00:40:35 Okay. And I feel like it's only in the news because he lived. And I agree. And I think it's because she wanted to teach him a lesson, not kill him. And it sucks that he survived. I kind of feel bad for him that he didn't die. Because you get shot and you survive. You kind of feel bad for him that he didn't die, because you get shot and you survive. You have a cool story for life.
Starting point is 00:40:48 This guy's got to go around explaining why he got shot. I had to pay for pussy, and I was so bad at it. I couldn't find the quarter square inch that I was supposed to look. I'm going to say he's alive, but I think it was a miscommunication on some BDSM shit.
Starting point is 00:41:05 Oh, like that was their kink? Yeah. Like, if I'm doing poorly, just shoot around me. And then just, like, the leg. And then, yeah. You have a weird understanding of BDSM. That man is alive, but he did get shot in the head. What?
Starting point is 00:41:22 She shot him in the head, stole his credit card or his wallet and his credit cards and ran. And then he was alive and just hung out in his house for three days before somebody found him. That makes sense, though, to me. Oh, I'd be so ashamed. If I had to pick what kind of gun a hooker is going to have, it's a.22. You're going to have a.22. It's a little daring, dude. You can survive a shot.
Starting point is 00:41:38 It's a small gun. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I like that we're all picturing a lady with 85 skirts sitting in the corner of a saloon pulling it out of her brassiere I was reading the thing and they asked her in court why did you shoot him
Starting point is 00:41:51 and she was like well he was bad at eating pussy and I didn't know how to tell him he was doing it wrong I'm like this seems more awkward than that conversation is this the cash me outside girl?
Starting point is 00:42:00 you're bad at being a hooker it's all communication yeah and also take one for the deal you're not supposed to come. You're getting paid. You're getting paid for him to do this poorly. If he had any confidence, he'd be with a real person.
Starting point is 00:42:11 Oh, shit. It is weird to eat a hooker's pussy. That's like getting a hotel and sleeping on the floor. It sounds like he was trying to learn how to eat pussy. Like, that's how he got the problem. Oh, interesting. Yeah. And he was like, I can make out with my styrofoam doll head,
Starting point is 00:42:24 like that episode of King of the Hill, but I can't get a styrofoam pussy. It's not in my fucking price range. He thought of it as just aggressive tutoring. That would be a great thing to sell, is a pussy trainer where it's got a little button. It gives you a score, like DDR at the end of the fucking show. Puss Revolution? Yeah, they're playing, my, my, my, my little butterfly. And you're just like, man, you fucking switched rhythms at the time she was twitching.
Starting point is 00:42:45 You should have kept going, buddy. Come on. Your neck hurts, but keep going. Cramp, cramp, cramp. And it can unfold and reflux, so you get different. You got like, oh, I can't beat this song on an innie, but I can do it on an outie. She's shifting to one side. You have to adjust.
Starting point is 00:43:01 Nope, she farted. You got to ride it out. I got to reload the little stink tank in the back and unscrew the little thing. It's like the boss level. It's the fart. The boss level is the fart. Has anyone ever farted during a blowjob?
Starting point is 00:43:14 I don't think I have. I think I've held it in and just had a bad blowjob experience because of it, but I've never let one loose. I have. It's awkward. It was a quiet one. You just activated Siri by doing something. Let, no, I have. It's awkward. Because it's like it was a quiet one. You just activated Siri by doing something. Oh, let's see what Siri said.
Starting point is 00:43:27 I don't understand. What is level is the fart Bieber is my time for three in a blowjob, but I could search the web for it. Well, we are 100%
Starting point is 00:43:35 calling this episode fart Bieber. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, no, it was like it was a silent fart and she was like kept going and I was like, all right, maybe
Starting point is 00:43:43 she won't notice. It was like hiding for the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. And then there and she kept going, and I was like, all right, maybe she won't notice. It was like hiding from the T-Rexes in Jurassic Park. And then there was just like a pause, and I'm like, oh, she noticed. Yeah, I farted afterwards with the covers tucked in or whatever, and then I've lifted it up, and you just see tear gas across the eastern front, and just like her fucking skin melts away from her bones and just runs in the other room naked. She's got trench foot.
Starting point is 00:44:05 Trench cut. Smiling with shell shock. Just crying and eating hardtack. Jesus Christ. Number three. A 70 year old man got into an argument with his wife. Things escalated quickly and then he brought the hatchet into play.
Starting point is 00:44:24 They carved up a nice piece of brisket for them both and they got over it. Things escalated quickly, and then he brought the hatchet into play. Hmm. I carved up a nice piece of brisket for them both, and they got over it. They made a nice fire. Fuck you, Susan. I'm chopping a tree down. Passive-aggressive George Washington. So he brought the hatchet in. I thought his wife was already involved. Oh, hey, the fucking wound.
Starting point is 00:44:41 Yeah, you got a gash down there. Dice is going to be the only comedian who comes out of all this stuff clean. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah fucking wound. Yeah, you got a gash down there. Dice is going to be the only comedian who comes out of all this stuff clean. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone else is going down. And the Dice Man is just going to be like, not enough time to harass any women.
Starting point is 00:44:54 I was busy practicing my hand gestures in front of a mirror. The Dice Man cometh in a consensual context exclusively. I was busy learning new ways to smoke them. He's watching YouTube videos. He's like, I can't quite... Okay, wait. So he goes through the legs, and then I'm like, this feels wrong. I'm blowing clouds. Oh, I'm vaping
Starting point is 00:45:18 now. The way Glenn Danzig holds the microphone is really the way that Dice smokes. It's just unnecessary, but like, alright, that's kind of nice. It's kind of cool, but mostly it looks like an orangutan. I couldn't get the cigarette if I were to do that. I've tried to do it. I can't do it. I got too much shoulder fat. You guys are too fat to dice.
Starting point is 00:45:33 That sucks. Dice is fat now. You can do it. We're more like Andrew Marble Clay. Andrew 12-sided Dice Clay. I saw him on the street outside the Comedy Cell several years ago. Oh, please go on. You could see him from a mile away. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:47 And he's very conspicuous, and he's doing his loud hand gesture, smoking a cigarette, yelling very loudly everything he says. Are you sure he just wasn't an Italian? I know my Italians, and Dice is a Jew pretending to be an Italian. And I see him from over a block away, and I walk by, and I see that he's talking to someone, and I look back one more time and see who he's talking to. Louis C.K. Wow.
Starting point is 00:46:09 A very, I guess, insidious man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And conspicuous. Giving each other notes. Oh, I should tell this story, and I'll redact names just to not get us in trouble, but I found myself in a conversation with an owner of one of the top comedy clubs in the world.
Starting point is 00:46:24 And you live in Nebraska, you know this comedy club. And Louis C.K. shit comes up, I found myself in a conversation with an owner of one of the top comedy clubs in the world. And you live in Nebraska. You know this comedy club. And Louis C.K. shit comes up. And I say, let me ask you a question. Louis walks in right now. Do you put him up on stage? And he's like, of course.
Starting point is 00:46:35 I'm like, you're going to get protested. What if people come back the next day? It's all over the headlines. People are talking shit about you. Comics are boycotting your club. He's like, no, I put him up whenever he shows up. I can't believe Rooster T. Feather himself. What a Paul. Jeremy Flappers.
Starting point is 00:46:52 Dr. Grin himself. Dr. Grin. Artemis Sidesplitter here. I think he'll work again sooner than people expect. Club owners are not going to be able to say no. I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:47:08 I truly don't know. All right. What are we doing? We're playing a game. Oh, yeah. He's dead. Whatever. Old man chased a lady with a hatchet.
Starting point is 00:47:17 Yeah. Did anyone die? You think she's dead? I'm going to say someone died. And for some reason, I have a feeling it's the guy who got the hatchet. Interesting. I'm going to say on a similar whatever. I can't think.
Starting point is 00:47:33 Note. The word you're looking for is note. Note. I do this to people. Sorry. The wife wrestled the hatchet away from him and fucked him up. I think that's what happened. But no one died.
Starting point is 00:47:42 Yeah. So she lived. He did not. Wow. Damn. Apparently the daughter of this old married couple came in, saved her. The cop showed up and surrounded the house, at which point he went into the garage and killed himself with a chainsaw.
Starting point is 00:47:56 What? Yeah. Hell yeah. How did a 70-year-old man start a chainsaw? I don't know, but I know how he stopped it. He started a fucking chainsaw. Jesus Christ. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:04 Which I'm like, that is the fucking worst. The hatchet would have been better. Dude, fucking leave it to Tom to have immaculate hatchet instincts. Nah, hatchet, that's not how you do it. Hatchet madness.
Starting point is 00:48:17 All right. Pretty proud right now. Makes up for one of the five terrible jokes I told earlier. Yeah, for sure. And last one. This is my favorite one. An Oklahoma man got into an altercation
Starting point is 00:48:28 with his neighbor. The neighbor returned a few days later wearing pornographic magazines strapped to his torso as body armor and engaged the man in a surprise knife fight. Yo, fucking like magazines as armor in a knife fight. Yeah, I mean, you can't like dig through like, you know, a bunch of big fat titties. Like that's pretty effective. Yeah, I mean, you can't like dig through like, you know, a bunch of big fat titties. Like that's,
Starting point is 00:48:45 that's pretty effective. Yeah. That's how, that's how Shiloh Stiles thought. Remember fucking Dave. You motherfuckers. I kept thinking
Starting point is 00:48:53 Leslie Knope. I'm like, what? God, I would watch the shit out of that. Leslie Knope's getting railed in a knife fight.
Starting point is 00:48:59 Yeah, Leslie Knope getting dirt piped on Bang Bros. You've been really married to the phrase dirt pipe lately and I'm not okay with it. I'm just running out of things that still feel harsh to say that I can actually say and still have a career in comedy. So dirt pipes has been my choice of verbs. The smelly pussy.
Starting point is 00:49:20 It smells worse than the pussy. All right, anyway. It was off the dome. I'm like a freestyle rapper. Sometimes it's not good. Yeah, you're like a freestyle rapper, the white and retarded. That's interesting.
Starting point is 00:49:32 Porno armor. Yeah. My favorite part of this is... Does he still have the cologne insert inside? That could really... Oh, that could be toxic. Yeah, it could have been just a slight nick. God, I've never seen a wound this dirty.
Starting point is 00:49:46 It's got Drakkar Noir on it. Oh, God, brute! I got spritzed with some $300 cologne one time. I was suit shopping with Eric Meyers in Tempe. Connor, do I look gay in this suit, Connor? I feel gay! Anyway, after about an hour of laughing hysterically at that, he's like, I want to get this cologne.
Starting point is 00:50:07 It's called Creed Aventus. And he's like shaking it. He's like, I can't afford it, but I will someday, Connor. That sounds like Richard Spencer's cologne. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, yeah, because the creeds, the colors and creeds, the Aventus, that sounds like some ominous fucking Nordic rising to the top of the power sphere shit. But anyway, I was honestly like, yeah, I get it.
Starting point is 00:50:26 Like, this is fucking, it smelled, it made you smell like, just like money. It was cool. I feel like $300 cologne isn't the worst purchase you can make. I've had the same bottle of Adidas cologne since seventh grade. So now you smell like a Persian woman? I'll put it on every, like, two years. Okay. What's a cologne?
Starting point is 00:50:45 You're going to a cool guy ecst years. Okay. What's a cologne? You're going to a cool guy ecstasy party? Do you throw in cologne? What's the last time you... I'm trying to think of the situations that I would use. Probably like going
Starting point is 00:50:51 to the gym or something. Just want to smell like Adidas. Smell a little more fit. I think they lived. They lived? Oh yeah, Tom. Yeah, we got way off base.
Starting point is 00:51:00 Yeah. No, when you put the cologne on and the stink lines come up, they're all in three parallel lines with the Adidas cologne. It's very nice. I'm going to say that that guy lived.
Starting point is 00:51:08 Okay. I'm going to say he died. All right. Surrounded by the women he loved. Those men both lived, and I saved this, and I'll put it up on the Twitter for the listeners. This is a picture of the man after he was arrested wearing the porno body armor. Yo, this dude rips. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:25 Oh, that is – I did not imagine him armor. Yo, this dude rips. Yeah. Oh, that is... I did not imagine him looking like that, but I should have. That's a common outfit in Oklahoma. That's actually a thing that people wear. And he just looks so like, yeah, I know. That's why you couldn't make it to the live show we did out there. Like, it's done with such precision.
Starting point is 00:51:40 I'm like, there's no way this is the first kind of, like, porno body armor he's made. Oh, that was the best of all... Oh, that was the best of all time. Fucking. Sorry, we can't make it to the show. Mean Boys is like, I'm Airbnb-ing a grain silo so I can do acid all day and I want to check in early.
Starting point is 00:51:53 That's hilarious. That was the greatest one. For the listeners, I just want to point out that Keith's phone screen is cracked. You can tell how many times he's thrown it at Carl's Jr. employees. I said bacon! I said, I said, do these fries look curly, you fucking cunt? I got a four-point chicken star
Starting point is 00:52:12 and you're lucky that I can't use it as a shuriken. Now replenish me! Arrange me! Yo, that's for Keith as a vigilante, like enforcer of justice. He has chicken star shurikens. Just fuck, fuck, fuck. All right.
Starting point is 00:52:25 And on that note, the fucking Mean Boys will be right back after something or other. Swiggy swoop. And now, another moment with Louis C.K.'s publicist. Make him stop. Make him stop. Make him stop. That was another moment with Louis C.K.'s publicist. I think I batted a perfect game in the last game. Maybe. You batted a perfect game, so nothing hit?
Starting point is 00:53:02 Oh, that's going into the next Outtakes Patreon episode for sure. Actually, we'll just leave that in. Welcome to the last segment. We're going to be playing a game, one of our favorite games. It's time for Witch of the Following, everybody. Whoop, whoop. This one comes to us from Ryan Murphy. Very blunt subject.
Starting point is 00:53:22 Usually people give a long list of reasons why they could do it. He didn't want any extra details. He just said, got one for you, pro roller derby skaters. So this game, JP, is going to be four things in the category this week being pro roller derby skaters. Three of them are real, one of them are fake. You've got to figure out which one the fake one is. Let's fucking kick it right off. Round number one, which of the following is not a real pro roller derby skater?
Starting point is 00:53:42 A, Pam Slamwich. B, Gwen Tsunami. C, Kiki Minaj. Or D, Regine Bull. Dude, I want to fuck all of these trans women. So, Pam. Yeah, if you are any roller derby player, I will marry you. Said unseen.
Starting point is 00:54:01 Yeah, for sure. I don't know why. That's 100% my thing. The coordinator of the college show I did over the weekend was a roller derby gal. And she was like a roller derby cheerleader or like a beer leader or something. And that's her thing. That's amazing. It was weird, yeah. My ex
Starting point is 00:54:13 was a roller derbyer. Really? Never went to a game. Huh. You kind of have the body of a roller derbyer a little bit. Yeah. Because it's always just very like sort of thick haunched women. Like I feel like if there's a male Roller derby league I feel like we got A good starting four
Starting point is 00:54:27 Right here Because you guys Are the blockers And me and JP Are like the speed guys I got a super high Center of gravity I don't think I'd add
Starting point is 00:54:32 Much to the team Yeah I've never seen Somebody who looks So easy to knock down I'm mostly legs Yeah if I had One adjective Is toppleable
Starting point is 00:54:40 Just the Jenga tower With a smarmy expression Yeah you look like A stick bug that went to college. I'm the opposite of a fullback. It's not...
Starting point is 00:54:48 An empty back. Not going to be useful. I'm an empty back. What are we thinking? Run them one more time real quick. Pam's Landwich, Gwen Tsunami,
Starting point is 00:54:54 Kiki Minaj, and Regine Bull. I say Gwen Tsunami is the fake one. All righty. All of these could also be names of trans karaoke hosts.
Starting point is 00:55:02 Literally, I did karaoke with a trans host whose name was Ham Sandwich. And it's right there. And it was phenomenal. Well, Alonzo has fallen on hard times. He's changed what breaded food product he identifies as. He's gone into the mildly lucrative live events fucking bracket. What was the last one?
Starting point is 00:55:26 The last one was Regine Bull. Regine Bull. I feel like they wouldn't want to use a masculine, violent sport role model as their name, so I'm going to go with that one. What is that based off of? Raging Bull. Oh, okay. Yeah, a movie about a boxer who beats his wife. Yeah, that's actually a pretty good one.
Starting point is 00:55:41 Yeah, where Robert De Niro just plays a retard. Yo, I'm fucking dumb. I'm going retard. Yeah. I thought everybody said that. No, I'm fucking dumb. I'm going to hurt you now. Thanks for the Oscar. Punch me in the face. It's Bull, B-U-L-L. Oh, I thought it was Bull.
Starting point is 00:55:53 I was like, that makes sense. But not as much now. What was A, like Pam Panini or something? Pam Slamwich. Pam Slamwich. Pam Panini. I'm going to go good old Panini pants, Pam Slamwich. All rightlamwich. Pam Panini. I'm going to go good old Panini pants, Pam Slamwich. All right, well, everybody's wrong.
Starting point is 00:56:08 It's Kiki Minaj is the fake one. Ah, fuck it. Tom, you got into a Panini argument, didn't you, recently? I usually do. I don't remember. About what? I'm sure I fought someone about some sort of sandwich somewhere recently. You can use it to iron your clothes.
Starting point is 00:56:22 Yeah. Fuck you. It's not illegal. I'll kill you. Yeah, dude, I'm a provolone wolf not illegal. I'll kill you. Yeah, dude. I'm a provolone wolf or whatever. Continue. All right.
Starting point is 00:56:29 Round number two. Which of the following is not a real pro roller derby skater? A. Mary Tyler Hoare. Inigo Destroya. Morticia At-Ems. That's spelled A-T-A-T hyphen apostrophe E-M-S. You guys get it. I don't get it.
Starting point is 00:56:43 That's all that matters. Like an atom ball in baseball. I don't get any of these. Oh, dude. And the last one, Amanda Slug and Fist. Yo, I think Shiloh Stylos lives and has just assumed
Starting point is 00:56:52 a new identity and a new career. I think I know this one. Amanda Slug and Fist. I'm looking for Amanda Slug and Fist. Amanda Slug and Fist thwack gets knocked out.
Starting point is 00:57:03 I'm going to say it's Mary Tyler Hoare because I don't think they're going to pick a sex one. The rest of these are beat-you-up ones. Okay. I'm going to agree with Keith. Can I hear the other three again? Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:57:14 Inigo Destroya, Morticia Adams, Amanda Sluggenfest. I'm going to go Destroya, because they both picked A, and I don't want to also pick A. All right. Well, it was A, and you're very bad at games. I batted perfectly the last one. However the fuck you baseball it. Not that.
Starting point is 00:57:31 Not that way. Use any other metaphor. Stop trying to make it work. Okay. I switched the last one. All right. Round number three. A. Debbie Does Malice.
Starting point is 00:57:44 B. LaVena Hell Malice. B. LaVena Helliskater. C. Jane Saw Mackeser. Oh, wait, is it Lovin' a Helliskater? Lovin' a Helliskater, yeah. I don't know why I went LaVena. Because you're dumb! Okay, sorry, go ahead. Tom, you can't read real words.
Starting point is 00:57:56 I love you, bitch! Just read! I love you more, alright? Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Starting point is 00:58:01 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Starting point is 00:58:01 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Starting point is 00:58:02 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Starting point is 00:58:02 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Starting point is 00:58:02 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Starting point is 00:58:03 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Starting point is 00:58:04 Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! It's not a competition, motherfucker. Here's what we do. We call each other gay and retarded for a living. Yeah, you gay retard. Let's continue. Thank you, you retarded gay guy. I think it's adorable that you consider what we make on this show a living. It's your living. It's not my living. I'm barely living.
Starting point is 00:58:16 JP, I'm sorry to have this fight in front of you. Mommy and daddy are... This feels like when you go over to a sleepover and you're just like, I just want a pizza rolls and N64. There's a whole thing about custody issues taking place. Oh, my God. So, or the last one, Dyke Ditka. We'll see. I don't know any of the references these are based on.
Starting point is 00:58:34 You don't know Mike Ditka? Oh, Mike Ditka. Yeah, okay. I don't know who he is, but I know the name. Dyke Ditka's that scam. He was the head coach of the Chicago Bears when they won the Super Bowl. He was also a Hall of Famer tight end. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:44 Okay. What was C again? C, Jane Saw Massacre. Those are all great. Yeah, they are shit. Mine was always Ellen Degenerate. I always thought that was a good one. Mine was Aaron Sockabitch.
Starting point is 00:58:54 Oh, that's good. Never played derby. Yeah, it wasn't actually. It was just a name I thought was funny. You think I had like a Joanna Mann type roller derby career? I don't see you playing roller derby. Hurtful, but fair. You have the haircut for it.
Starting point is 00:59:07 I do, yeah. I'm going to say Jane Saw Massacre. Time to guess. What was A and C? A was Debbie Does Malice and C was Jane Saw Massacre. I'm going to go A. JP. What was B?
Starting point is 00:59:19 B was Loving a Hella Skater. Yeah. I don't get that. That just reminded me of the depressing parts of L.A. It just strikes me as everyone there, they met Joe Perry once like 30 years ago, and they've since developed addictions to seven different drugs, and now they just kind of live on a couch on the sidewalk.
Starting point is 00:59:37 We're all sitting right here, dude. The guy from Aerosmith. Oh, dream on. The other guy that people know from Aerosmith. Oh, no, that's Steven Tyler, right? Oh, yeah. That's Scarfy Pants. dream on. The other guy that people know from Arrow. Yeah. Oh, no, that's Steven Tyler, right? Oh, yeah. That's Scarfy Pants. Dream on.
Starting point is 00:59:48 For that convoluted reason, I'm going to go with B, loving a Hello Skater. That was a long road to that. It's so real, though. It's just like this all felt very vibrant in the 90s. Yeah. Oh, we're still here. Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:59:57 I met him one time. It was cool as hell. Yeah, it was cool. Anyway, you got to change. Can you sell me a thumb? I'm buying. Well, JP has slipped on a banana peel and landed into a correct answer. B, loving a hella skater.
Starting point is 01:00:10 A-yo. Round number four, just finds a real pro roller derby skater. A, Amy Zoomer. B, Macho Ma'am Brandy Savage. C, Ella Fitzparrow. Shut up. Or D, Natasha Beheadingfield Is this all real or fake?
Starting point is 01:00:29 This is one of these is fake. They're all real or fake sex. Oh, man. Amy Zumer is pretty fun. Macho ma'am, Brandy Savage, hell yeah. Amy Zumer is my pick for the fake one. I'm going to say it's Natasha Beheadingfield. Alright. You also got to think of what famous
Starting point is 01:00:43 people who listen to the show actually know. Yeah. I'm going to go Randy Samage or whatever. Yeah, I'm going to go with Brady Sandwich, the Macho Broad or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that's a person Robin Tran likes. That is the extent of who.
Starting point is 01:00:57 I'm going to go with Muscle Bitch David Jones or whatever it was. All right. The fake one is eight. Dwayne the Clit Johnson. Sorry. Go ahead. The fake one is eight. Dwayne the Clit Johnson. Sorry. Go ahead. No, don't. I was trying to think of a better version of that.
Starting point is 01:01:11 There is no good version of that. No, there isn't. All right. Watch your man slam the savvy. Is that a racist line? This is what I do when I'm not tending bar at a place that has a lot of dogs. And talking shit about the dudes playing cornhole because that reinforces the patriarchy somehow.
Starting point is 01:01:31 Me and my lady have been dating for a week. I'm moving in next month. Fucking straight up crushed trivia last week. No sleeves, no mercy. It's Amy Zoomer. Is the one. And finally, all real or all fake? A. Abbey Road rash.
Starting point is 01:01:47 B, Yoko Ono didn't. Oh, no, you didn't. I guess is what's trying to go there. Oh, my God. Fucking Sergeant Pepper Spray or Strawberry Kills Forever. Oh, these are all Beatles ones. Yeah, these are all fake. Sergeant Pepper Spray honestly kind of looks like the G.I.
Starting point is 01:02:04 Joe you would make out of Tom right now. Sergeant Pepper Spray honestly kind of looks like the G.I. Joe you would make out of Tom right now. Sergeant Pepper Spray? Yeah. Well, yeah, Tom, you do look like you had a stint in the military and have wrongfully been interpreted as trying to molest somebody before. Dishonorable discharge. That's what the D on his hat stands for. You dropped your keys. I'm just very threatening.
Starting point is 01:02:24 God damn it, Goss. You are the dumbest son of a bitch I've ever had. Yeah, that seems fair. Sorry, Principal Yell Guy. Principal Yell Guy. Super Nintendo Chalmers. That was my bad, oddly. Toy Stories.
Starting point is 01:02:47 Side note, I think in roller derby, there should be a can of pepper spray, like a Mario Kart item. Yo! Fuck, dude. Dude, fuck that. Bananas, the whole shit. Let's just have them hanging on strings and going up and down and shit. You get the bullet if you're all the way in the back. More sports. You get the bullet if you're on the way in the back. Yeah. More sports.
Starting point is 01:03:05 You get the bullet if you're on your period to even it out. No, if you're on your period, you crush a roller derby, right? That's like getting the star. Like, you're invincible. Well, you also got
Starting point is 01:03:12 a whole oil slick situation if you play your cards right and just like, like on some speed racer shit. all over the track. How much blood do you think comes out during a period?
Starting point is 01:03:20 I'm sorry, you've never dated a real woman, Keith. All right. I say these are all real, this whole Beatles bullshit. All right, time to guess. I'm sorry, you've never dated a real woman, Keith. All right. I say these are all real, this whole Beatles bullshit. All right, time to guess. I'm going to say all fake.
Starting point is 01:03:29 JP said all fake. Yep. Those are all real. Boom. Wow. I went 0 for however many JP, that was the most fake enthusiasm I've ever had.
Starting point is 01:03:37 He just went, oh, wow. It was the correct level. JP, oh, wow. Calling Lyft as he says it. Checking bus schedule. Oh, wow. Calling Lyft as he says. Checking bus schedule. Inventing excuse. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:03:51 Oh, wow. Like a North Dakota woman seeing a flower she wasn't expecting. Oh, hello, SD. Guys, I got to go to that drug rehab. I walked by on my way. They're probably holding. There's no effort to rehabilitate anyone in this neighborhood. It's just like,
Starting point is 01:04:06 you're in. Fucking good luck. It's more of like a club at this point with people who are actively using junk. All right. Why are you guys
Starting point is 01:04:13 all looking at me? You looked like you were going to say something. Yeah, yeah. I just have a confusing face. I wasn't going to say anything. All right, fuck this. We'll be back
Starting point is 01:04:19 with the Mean Boys Mailbag and wrap it up right after this. And now, a moment with Louis C.K. That was A Moment with Louis C.K. Hey, everybody.
Starting point is 01:04:49 It's Connor McSpadden from the Mean Boys Podcast. You may know me as the voice of Tom Goss, who is, contrary to what we say on the show, a completely fictional character. And after years of studying ventriloquism, I've been able to create conversations between me and this beloved character, Tom Goss. If you don't believe me, I'll just do a quick little bit of Tom right now so you can tell that it's true.
Starting point is 01:05:12 Yeah, I have very strong opinions about a lot of unobjectionable things. And in order to keep the show moving, we have a Patreon page, patreon.com slash meanboys. And for five bucks a month, you can get yourself bonus content every single week you can hear a little bit more of what goes on behind the scenes of our uh of our frightening poverty hellscape uh we just did a reading of the karnaca tyler dawson pilot uh that you could check out with uh with opi eric friedman and net by mel that was a lot of fun. And also for $10 a month, you can get yourself some cool merch and shit and keychains and stickers and buttons
Starting point is 01:05:49 and wristbands and bullshit like that delivered directly to your door along with a handwritten note from us. So head on over there. Every little bit helps. And also the coolest part about this is once we hit our next goal, we'll be doing two extra episodes a month.
Starting point is 01:05:59 So that'd be six Mean Boys a month. Right now we're doing one extra. We're doing five a month. So any little bit you can give not only helps us stay alive, but hopefully helps us make more Mean Boys. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Please give us your money. Back to the show.
Starting point is 01:06:13 Quong! And the Mean Boys podcast returns to close the show, as we always do, with some entries in the Mean Boys mailbag. We got a tweet. We got some questions from you guys. Paul Korn writes, If there was a Mean Boys biopic, who would play you guys and who would direct? I will say this,
Starting point is 01:06:28 I've had a lot of conversations about the pronunciation of biopic lately. I'm strongly in the camp that it's biopic and not biopic. Biographical picture. I think biopic sounds really clunky. Yeah, but it's not biopic because that's already a word that means another thing. Biopic sounds like it's a machine man killing people like
Starting point is 01:06:44 Terminator. Well, yeah, you can't make a biopic about that guy because we don't have those. It's a biographical picture. It's biopic. There's no cyborgs to make biopics about. Sure, but there are other words. I got in a fight with a friend of mine so intense about this word
Starting point is 01:06:56 one time that I almost hit a woman. It was one of the rougher... It doesn't take much, but yeah. No, yeah. Also, she spoke. She yawned too loudly. I'm going to start pronouncing biopic correctly, but Neuer incorrectly. What's Neuer?
Starting point is 01:07:10 Film Neuer. Are you annoying me with that shit? I'll tell you. Okay. Mimbo's biopic. No one is. First of all, if I die, for the love of God, do not make a shitty documentary about me. Nobody cares. I had some friends. I was kind of funny. is first of all if i die for the love of god do not make a shitty documentary about me nobody cares
Starting point is 01:07:25 i had some friends i was kind of funny i don't need a youtube short about people remembering my legacy so don't do i want to be out there right now how adorable is it you think that's ever going to be a problem for you oh you would do that though don't make a documentary about me because i'm pretty charming but you're i'm very charming i'm more i have more of a mystique than you oh whatever i enjoy being a sidekick oh for sure yeah I love that this is the argument that got out of this question. Like, we're both not just going to be in the Tom Goss, like Daniel Johnson of comedy, Tom Goss. I'm excited for my deathbed documentary because all the facts will be wrong. I can already feel it.
Starting point is 01:07:57 Well, because you, do you understand how hard it is to digest any information that you tell us about your life? Look, I've seen your bed. No one's going near that deathbed. It is haunted. We're just like, no, it wasn't a sailing captain. He was a sailing lieutenant.
Starting point is 01:08:10 I was like, well, you tell every story differently every time you say it. You're like the Joker. The origin changes, but it's never good. The fucking Amistad
Starting point is 01:08:18 had better beds. That bed is comfortable. I miss that bed. Oh, my God. I say Sling Blade era Billy Bob Thornton plays Tom. Okay. That bed is comfortable I miss that bed Oh my god I say Sling Blade era Billy Bob Thornton Plays Tom
Starting point is 01:08:28 Okay I could see Billy Bob Thornton Playing me maybe J.P. McDade I think would be my pick For me I think a little
Starting point is 01:08:36 Jack Black Jack Black could work I hate it when people say that No for Tom It's gonna be a skinny guy That bulks up for the role Wins an Oscar But kind of a, it's going to be a skinny guy that bulks up for the role. Wins an Oscar by doing it.
Starting point is 01:08:47 Kind of a character actor type guy. Oh, or fatten up a skinny guy? Yeah, I think so. Oh, yeah, fat Tobey Maguire. That's actually pretty good.
Starting point is 01:08:54 I don't know if Tobey Maguire is an actor. Oh, no, you know who it is? It's Eric Foreman from That 70s Show. Makes a comeback.
Starting point is 01:08:59 Toe for grace. Toe for grace, bro. And for Keith? Owen Wilson. Skinny. Yeah, guys, I really like nihilism in comedy form. Yeah. You're just Owen Wilson. Just kidding. Yeah, guys. I got a... Wow, guys.
Starting point is 01:09:06 I really like nihilism in comedy form. Wow. I wrote a sketch about the ISIS. Yeah. I got this hat for free. I want to say... I'll have you know I paid $8 for my hat, okay? I don't know why I feel this way.
Starting point is 01:09:21 I feel like Paul Giamatti could nail you, Keith. Yeah. I mean, you know, if you bought me a drink first. Isn't he dead? Paul Giamatti? Yeah. No. What's the other guy?
Starting point is 01:09:31 It's Philip Seymour Hoffman. Don't you dare mix up those two people. I don't watch movies, Tom. Why are you so defensive? Philip Seymour Hoffman was one of the only people who died that I was, like, bummed about. I like Philip. He's a great actor. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:43 There's no Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti is in movies about a lot. four, Philip Shee, Maura Hoffman. It was a good movie about why. What's the next question? Hell yeah, dude. Who is your favorite celebrity couple? Kim and Kanye, for sure. Me and Connor.
Starting point is 01:10:02 I'm going to say JonBenet and her dad. You son of a bitch. Why the fuck would I have a favorite celebrity dad? You got Opie walking out to the laundry room with that one. What do you think, JP? That was like one, two, three. Perfect. I can't hide that in any way.
Starting point is 01:10:22 I just got to answer earnestly. You know what bummed me out when fucking Anna Faris and Chris Pratt broke up? I thought they were both really, really funny, and I've had a crush on Anna Faris for a long time. I had a crush on both of them.
Starting point is 01:10:37 One day I'll be moderately famous enough to swing my way in the middle. Which Chris Pratt? Chubby Chris Pratt or ripped Chris Pratt? You know what? Ripped Chris Pratt can get it, but I kind of prefer chubby Chris Pratt. I don'tatt? You know what? Ripped Chris Pratt can get it, but I kind of prefer chubby Chris Pratt. I don't know. He seems more approachable. When he lost the weight, we all figured out like, oh, the fat was hiding the fact you're not a very good actor. What? He's great.
Starting point is 01:10:53 He's not that good, in my opinion. I mean, he's no Paul Giamatti, but... No, he's not. Paul Giamatti is a far better actor. You look more like... Yeah. You look more like Paul Geocities. Paul Geocities. Just the dark web.
Starting point is 01:11:10 My website was made in 1999. You want to click on some fucking hyperlinks? Hey, look at this rotating clip art. It's been under construction since the fucking H.W. Bush administration. Yeah, the arrow's a little hand that fucking points at the words. The paperclip's talking to me. Do you guys have any specific phobias or fears? Something you
Starting point is 01:11:31 simply can't deal with? That's a good one. To some extent, stink bugs, because this autistic kid I was friends with would squish them in my face in elementary school. So when I see them, I'm jarred slightly. I'm not afraid, but I'm just like... It's like running into your ex-girlfriend is how I feel when I see them, I'm jarred slightly. I'm not afraid, but I'm just like... It's like running into your ex-girlfriend is how I feel when I see a stink bug.
Starting point is 01:11:47 That makes sense. But in terms of actual existential fears, like heat death is the main one. I feel like we're okay from heat death, though. Yeah, but I'm just like, well, if I can't put my brain in a robot body and just explore space infinitely, I'm like, I'm just going to shrink and turn into a ball and the batteries will slowly die.
Starting point is 01:12:03 You're uploading your consciousness, and then one day when you're cryogenically unfrozen thousands of years from now, they'll just load mean boys onto you and then you'll be whole again. No, I'm going to be – Fuck, that's upsetting. JP, I'm going to be one-third Tom and that's going to be a problem. I'm going to be in the future and be like, oh, shit, everything's one of them nice grocery stores. Oh, yeah, wouldn't it be terrible to be able to drive okay? Well, you can't park for shit, so there we go. Yeah, but you can't drive.
Starting point is 01:12:27 I can drive just fine, thank you. That's some damn L.A.-specific roasting right there. Can you drive, JP? I can drive, but I don't drive often. I'd love to see myself try to parallel park on a 30% grade like you have to. Oh, dude, get into this fucking driveway as a whole. It's like fucking an Asian woman. It just dawned on me. like you have to. Oh, dude, like get into this fucking driveway as a whole. It's like fucking an Asian woman.
Starting point is 01:12:46 It just dawned on me. I just realized that's why hydraulics took off on the west coast and not on the east coast because of the hills. You use them to get up hills and shit. Do you really? Yeah, that's why they're invented.
Starting point is 01:12:54 That's like the original purpose that lifts up the front of your car so you don't bottom out. Oh, that's a big intelligent ass observation. This is a smart bargain. This is all things considered with the mean boys you got a phobias uh i guess spiders are probably my enduring one i was a bad place for you to be
Starting point is 01:13:12 right now i'm in a spider like hotel there's one over there yeah probably but i always get that situation where i see one indoors and then it's like a standoff where i can't leave the room because i'll know that they're still there yeah I dated a gal who I'd kill a spider and she'd be like, well, now his friends are going to be mad and come get us. And I was like, you have to shut up. Please kill yourself. I grew up in Connecticut and we have these big wood spiders
Starting point is 01:13:35 that would pop up in the basement. And I saw one on the door jamb of my basement one time and I couldn't leave. I had to grab this 2x4 and have this 30-minute standoff. This fucking Star Trek. And that's the scariest thing that ever happened in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. My girlfriend's from Connecticut. I also have a fear of claymation.
Starting point is 01:13:56 I forgot about that. This is real. I forgot about that. Look, I want to clarify. It's not like I can watch it. Why does that make you think of Wallace and Gromit? It's just like, imagine the sensation of always having to throw up while I'm watching it. More than being like, oh no!
Starting point is 01:14:16 It's more of like a... You single-handedly got the PJs cancelled. Tom's going to show up like a dude who kills everyone. There's just a note that says, I will not have a holly jolly Christmas. It's more like I feel very genuinely disturbed when I watch it than scared, if that makes sense.
Starting point is 01:14:33 And there's still good shows that are in Claymation and good movies that are like Chicken Run. I was like, oh, this is good, but I'm also going to shit myself. Tom, what happens if the Mean Boys sell a Claymation show and we want to have you do a voice on it? I don't have to to do the claymation if i if i'm the voice what do we make you watch it you gotta watch the show how much you're paying me you don't get paid until you go to the premiere watch yeah exactly you're wearing a free hat stop negotiating
Starting point is 01:14:56 i'm giving you a slice of pizza go fuck yourself you have to watch it on on 4D VR headset. Also, you're naked for some reason. Also, you're in a jacuzzi full of clay. Clay Aiken. He's touching you, and he has models. There's a clown behind you. I swear this story is worth it. Speaking of clay, my dad's a sculptor, right? And so there's always these sculptures he's making.
Starting point is 01:15:20 There's just random hands and legs in clay form. In sixth grade, we had Secret Santa legs and you know in clay form in sixth grade we had secret santa and you were supposed to give a give a small gift every day and the last day you're supposed to give a big gift okay woke up one morning realized i did not have a gift for the guy i had so i went into the garage and i asked my dad can i please borrow some of your clay to give to beau and he was like yeah i don't't give a shit. I was like, this is the only extra piece. Can I give it to him? He goes, sure.
Starting point is 01:15:48 It was a clay foot. So I referenced it. He just gave this dude a foot? He can't watch Monty Python ever again. He gave him a clay foot, and he was so confused. I don't know if the actual sculpture of the foot is the gift or the clay is the gift. And I wasn't allowed to tell him, like, you can do whatever you want with the foot. It's your foot.
Starting point is 01:16:11 But it was one of the most, like, I felt so bad because it was still like, yeah, anyway. Yeah, your secret Santa was like you were trying to intimidate a guy who owed money to the mob. Gave him a loose body part with no explanation. Everyone else got like Skittles or like, you know, a beanie. And then Bo just picks up this kind of clay. Jesus Christ. Okay. It was better than nothing, right?
Starting point is 01:16:42 How are these stories still? How am I still learning these things, Tom? I've talked to you all the time, and I'm just like, oh yeah, you didn't know when I got extradited for that pee mishap? I'm like, no, okay, I guess this is what I'm doing for a point. Anyway, question for tomorrow's recording. How are you guys really doing today?
Starting point is 01:16:57 I'm a little tired. I'm kind of run down. Yeah, been a weird weekend. Fuck anyone who asks sincerely how you're doing. Yeah, it's always like, yeah, what do you want me to tell you? Keep the conversation moving. I got weird girl troubles and I'm afraid of the future. You really want to have this 45-minute conversation? Yeah, I got $47 in a car that has more than $47 worth of shit wrong with it.
Starting point is 01:17:17 I want to play PlayStation right now. All right, if you guys robbed a bank together, who would be the first to betray the others for the money? 100% me. I was going to say, Keith, you know what I was going to say? If it's in a who's selling who out situation, I feel like I would tell Keith to sell me out or whatever. Or I would tell you guys to sell me out
Starting point is 01:17:36 because I feel like I'll outlive you. So I would just go to jail because you guys deserve to have a full life and we've robbed the bank together. This is a long con. He's setting it up. That's Connor. Connor, long con. Long con, yeah.
Starting point is 01:17:48 It's in the name, man. Wait, what am I doing? At the end of the bank, he's like, I'm supposed to kill the bus driver. I thought you were doing Paul Giamatti again. By the way, that's what you think I sound like. I'm hurt. And also, this was more so just a poorly constructed fat joke's a ledger. This is just a poorly constructed fat joke
Starting point is 01:18:05 of me saying you guys are fat and are going to die, so I'll be in jail for a while. I just also... I don't think I'm betraying... I'm fine with a third of the money in a bank. I don't have expensive needs. I just need, like, one new pair of shoes and to pay back Wells Fargo, ironically enough.
Starting point is 01:18:17 Oh, yeah. I'd take the money and use it to set up my own bank. That's the real crime. You see, this was them asking who would sell who out. You're just going into your investment plan. I would sell out society. Tom, you know how hard it was to get you to make a PayPal? You're not going to set up a bank.
Starting point is 01:18:35 You were like, I don't trust it. The money shouldn't be in the air. And I was like, well, yeah, but I have to give you this money, so you just have to do it. Yeah, now I have PayPal. And you're going to start a brick and mortar financial institution. Look, you got to skip this. We're going to start a brick and mortar financial institution. Look, you got to skip a couple steps. We're going to get back on the gold standard, folks.
Starting point is 01:18:48 You got to skip a couple steps. First step, get PayPal. Second step, own a bank. All right? Yeah, I'm going to get one of them check tubes to help the people do the deposits or whatever. Oh, those things are awesome. I still don't fucking like the ones you stick in and then it goes woomk.
Starting point is 01:19:03 Yes, yes, Don. Those things are the shit. You know, the woonk tube. Okay. Have you ever made a joke that you thought later was over the line? If so, what was it? I made a girl cry at burn booth. I wasn't crazy about that. Oh, that was awkward.
Starting point is 01:19:17 Yeah, yeah. Well, she stepped up to it. She just didn't realize kind of the gravity of what was taking place. It wasn't even that rough. You said, like, her stomach looked like a camel eating a muffin or something. I called her fat. You called her fat in a pretty vicious way. Your stomach looks like the stomach of a fat, stupid bitch. And here's what sucks.
Starting point is 01:19:36 Don't be that fat and wear a crop top if you can't hang. I've never seen a camel toe eat a muffin before. I've never seen a camel's mouth eat a muffin before. And I was like, it's not even a funny joke. I thought that was pretty good. When we do those, we have two minutes to write ten jokes. And it's like, yeah, some of them are going to be shitty. And I was just the one having the breakers.
Starting point is 01:19:52 So I'm just like, yeah. And it's actually good. Because if it was an amazing fat joke, if I dropped one of my Alzheimer's fat jokes, I would have been like, well, it's a tough tookus, baby. Yeah. Probably when I said the M word at that show you booked me on in Riverside. Yikes! That's pretty funny.
Starting point is 01:20:09 Well, I have a bit where I talk about a time I accidentally said the N-word. And I don't say it now, but when I started doing the bit, I was like, you know how every white comic goes through their time? Well, I'm going to be the one who gets away with it. Right, right, right. That was me. I'm going to get away with this and then a bunch of other stuff. I'll speak for JP.
Starting point is 01:20:27 It's two dudes who look like they raped their way off the rowing team. We don't have that luxury of thinking we can just get away with it. But I had done it a couple times, and it had played okay. And Connor gets me a guest spot on this show. We're like 18 months into comedy. Yeah, I'm a baby boy. And I go up, and I'm doing like three minutes and a 15-minute set, and I'm eating shit. And then I'm like, well, I know what's going to get them on this side.
Starting point is 01:20:49 Time to double down. Yeah, and I do it, and then the headliner... The KFC double down. And I do it to silence, and then the headliner, who's an older black comic, just starts giving me the lines. And I was like, oh, I guess I'm done. And then I run up to Connor, and I'm like, we've got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah, we scrammed. Tom? oh I guess I'm done and I run up to Connor I'm like we gotta get the fuck out of here yeah we scrammed I mean no
Starting point is 01:21:06 they're like honestly all of my roast jokes I've always felt bad afterwards for whatever reason and that but there's nothing like specific about it I just don't like being mean to people never really bothered me that people are mean to me and then there's never
Starting point is 01:21:21 what about you man I don't know like my my act itself I've never really done anything that I felt was over the line. In roast battles, I try to steer clear of, like, people's family stuff and, like, anyone who's, like, a noncombatant in the situation. But apart from that, I feel like if anything is public knowledge and they, like, put it out there, I'm okay saying it. That's usually what I go off of. I don't...
Starting point is 01:21:40 Like, I did a roast battle against Ariel Elias, who's a really funny New York comic. And she has a chunk in her act about having herpes, and it's fucking hilarious stuff. So that's fair game. And she said it was fair game, I'm pretty sure. And I did a joke. But in terms of how it felt, it definitely felt over the line. Right.
Starting point is 01:22:00 I said, like, her pussy looks like it ate pizza too fast. Oh, that's great. That makes me happy. In the moment, I did feel kind of like, her pussy looks like it ate pizza too fast. Oh, that's great. That makes me happy. In the moment, I did feel kind of like, uh. No, that's great. But at least I don't try. I never try to defend roasting and roast battles intellectually.
Starting point is 01:22:16 I know it's stupid. It's like an emergence of our lower brains. Yeah, anybody's just like, no, it's just because we love each other. That's the art. That's how comedians communicate. It's like, no, we're doing stupid, mean jokes at each other's expense. Yeah. I don't know if the other person is going to do it to us.
Starting point is 01:22:28 Yeah, I like it. We're cavemen. Take it. Yeah, we're gladiators. We're fucking idiots. Well, it's fun because we are both entering into it voluntarily. Right. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:37 If you're just a lady on the internet with an opinion, it's not okay to say her pussy looks like she ate pizza too fast. That's a very rude thing to do. And if you like... Unless she's that lady who put the pussy in her pizza. Never mind. It wasn't worth it. Continue. Has anyone ever put pizza in their pussy?
Starting point is 01:22:50 I can't imagine there's anything that hasn't been put in their pussy. You ate cake off a butt for your birthday. You don't have a pussy. She did? I didn't eat cake off my own butt, Tom. Although I would like to see this. My birthday is on Sunday, so we'll figure it out.
Starting point is 01:23:08 Snake eating its own tail situation. An Aurora Boris of calories. Hey, you know what? This is a snake eating its own ass situation. I tell you what. We're getting away. And finally, some dude asks, what are your best tips for overcoming laziness and procrastination?
Starting point is 01:23:25 Embrace it. It's weird that people just knew asking the mean boys the serious advice things is odd to me. Well, what happened if, like, what are you going to suck my dick? Although we get those, too. We do get those, too. But it's also just like, what about us makes you think that we know? Well, we work. I think it's me.
Starting point is 01:23:40 I've got a good face for the franchise. I agree. You're the money man of the whole thing. I'll say, I mean, I think the thing that helps me. You know. I agree. You're the money man of the whole thing. I'll say, I mean, I think the thing that helps me the most. You know who you are? You're the BB-88. You're selling all the toys. Is that a gun?
Starting point is 01:23:51 No, that's, never mind. Rolling ball. Yeah, it's a droid. You're R2-D2, but stupider. Yeah. You're the RCP-90. That's from GoldenEye. GoldenEye, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:01 Oh, I was thinking of like, is there some kind of Red Hot Chili Peppers thing? It's a gun that goes... California! Yeah, we should do one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers only sex songs about New York. Get in the cab, get in the cab, get in the cab. My pizza, rest in peace. Brickety brookly, digga digga digga peace under the canal street on the metro that I wish
Starting point is 01:24:33 I lost my car I don't know if the metro is a thing out there we call it the metro and you guys call it the AIDS tube the fucking hobo torpedo call it a fucking privilege uh yeah so just do shit how about you do that stop being a bitch and do it the answer is get rid of video
Starting point is 01:24:52 games i haven't had a video game system in my apartment and it does i fucking love video games and they're awesome but like you i get there's no easier way to kill eight hours absolutely play video that's so true uh go go someplace where you't jerk off. It's a good move for me. Yeah. Which is literally nowhere for me. You know, just kind of play your player. Come where I want to come. I like to come.
Starting point is 01:25:13 I hate my kids, and I like my dick, and I just go, oh, it's my dick. Oh, man. All right. Anyone have anything to plug? Can I plug the thing that's oddly similar to this podcast? Yeah, sure. Yeah, JP. Oh, yeah, we should clear the air on that.
Starting point is 01:25:36 Yeah, we're very upset. Well, JP, you asked me before you were going to shoot some of the stuff that I imagine you pitched it with, and I was like, yeah, of course. It was nice of you to ask, but we don't give a fuck. It's called Root uh with the rude boys you know it's funny there's a lot of boys out there there's the come boys and the rude boys we had the mean boys thing before anybody we're just the least successful there's no better way to append something than with boys it really is yeah yeah I mean not that there weren't people
Starting point is 01:25:59 that said boys before I don't want to make when I came up with the phrase priming the pump boys and very boys are the most beautiful beautiful boys I like to touch them what's said boys before we get out. I don't want to make the... When I came up with the phrase priming the pump... I invented boys. I invented boys. They're the most beautiful, beautiful boys. I like to touch them. What's the problem? But we... Yeah, this is... Very funny.
Starting point is 01:26:13 Thank you. Let me interrupt you while you keep trying to plug it. I'm helping. But no, I'm glad you guys like it because it's just... Me and Eli, it's a short-form digital thing
Starting point is 01:26:20 that we do on Comedy Central. We just did one episode for Halloween. We'll probably have some others. We'll let you know. But it's just us roasting people and things as the dumbest possible versions of ourselves. Well, they're being rude AF. Let me punch up your copy a little bit.
Starting point is 01:26:34 That's the version that Mark Maron has to read before he does his stamp. It's a new comedy special coming to TBS. The writers of Conan or something. It's the Conanist of them all. It's a thing, and it's on the internet. I don't mess around with the internet
Starting point is 01:26:50 and those cats much anymore. Kind of play guitars a lot. But you're rude, and you're doing your jokes. That was funny when Jeff Ross was on WTF, and Maren was just flat out like, I don't like the show you do.
Starting point is 01:27:06 Oh, he didn't like Roast Battle battle what's that with that oh shit yeah I never watched me I gotta listen to that yeah yeah I want to hear that just like you don't really like it's like nah no i had when we were at his party i walked out and i ran i walked into a glass door like a pigeon in a commercial and i went to turn around as everyone was laughing at me as a goof and like oh go talk to someone else and i just turn around just like mark maron neil brennan famous people i don't know and i was like all right well i guess i'm gonna go get shit on by the fucking well that was mark baron also wearing like cut off jean shorts like a lesbian mom.
Starting point is 01:27:45 It worked for him, though. No, it didn't. He looked spectacular. He looked terrifyingly bad. Okay, Keith. It says you. Yeah. It says you.
Starting point is 01:27:53 You have one and a half good shirts. Marc, I'd love to do the show. I don't really party with famous people. Neither do I. Yeah. Well, you have the best famous person party ever is when you're shit-faced and Jeff Ross tried to buy you a sandwich. Oh, yeah. Yeah, tell JP.
Starting point is 01:28:09 Okay, the thing is, they had the open bar. The thing is, you got the open bar. Yeah, man, I'd never been to an open bar before that week. You make a phone call to your guy, and then all of a sudden it's 48. So I fucking was way too drunk before halfway through the actual taping. By the second open bar. What taping was it? For Rose Battle. Oh, yeah, yeah, nice.
Starting point is 01:28:36 They had start to cut me off. The only legitimate thing we've ever done. The one time that we were relevant for three weeks. I remember being on a couch being very spinny and seeing Dave Chappelle swimming on a couch made out of Asian bitches, and I was like, that's pretty sweet. And then I remember
Starting point is 01:28:54 somehow being at the comedy store. I don't remember getting there, but it's pretty close by. Just tell the funny part of the story, Tom. I'm giving some backgrounds. You're not even giving any information. Here's how you could have given that background. You could have said, I was drunk.
Starting point is 01:29:08 Look at me. Imagine me drunk. It was that bad. I was the drunkest I'd ever been. And I don't remember how I was doing it. Alcohol, presumably, Tom. But me and Jeff Ross have a very good mutual friend. And next thing I know, Jeff Ross is there going, hey, buddy, you okay?
Starting point is 01:29:28 And I'm like, oh, yeah. And then he was like, hey, why don't you sober up? Let me buy you a sandwich. I was like, you're General Rostov-Job-Ross. You're General So-So. You don't buy me a sandwich. I buy you a sandwich. And I don't buy me a sandwich I buy you a sandwich And I don't have any money
Starting point is 01:29:47 And then he just quietly left And he was just like Okay Yeah He's just like Yeah And then that's the last time I saw Jeff Ross I think
Starting point is 01:29:55 I don't want to run into him again Alright November 23rd That's Thanksgiving Don't forget guys Go spend some time with your family I'm gonna plug Thanksgiving Yeah I'm plugging Thanksgiving
Starting point is 01:30:04 I forget this shit So I think it's good plug Thanksgiving yeah I'm plugging Thanksgiving I forget this shit so I think it's good for our listeners I'm still going to they're all fucking they're all neets that just like live off I just learned about
Starting point is 01:30:11 neets dude it's the best I remember that shit from 4chan I was an R&R not an education employment or training so you're just a loser
Starting point is 01:30:17 as a wage cook I find neets very very hilarious oh dude I love all that shit this Wednesday the night of the shops will be at the Venice Underground in Venice Beach at 9 or something. 11, 24, 25, the Manos Comedy Club in San Diego.
Starting point is 01:30:31 11, 30, Canteen Points. Mean Boys Takeover at the Good Night is the name of the bar? Yeah, we're doing live Mean Boys at the Good Night in North Hollywood. We're going to announce more info on that very, very soon. But come check it out. They run a good show there, And they want to Let the Mean Boys Come fuck with it November 29th
Starting point is 01:30:46 That's So Wrong In downtown LA That's a very gay show Where I get harassed a lot And it's very very fun Come to that And then also I'll be headlining
Starting point is 01:30:54 The Rec Room Comedy Club In Huntington Beach December 12th And December 22nd And 23rd Come get yourself In the Christmas spirit With me at the
Starting point is 01:31:00 Ventura Harbor Comedy Club Ventura's the funniest person Of Terrence I'm the funniest person In the entire I was from 2016 to 2017. I recently passed my crown to Kellen Eirston.
Starting point is 01:31:08 Put a gun in your mouth. No. No, Keith, I won't. November 18th, come see me at the UCB Theater on Franklin at midnight doing the Tournament of Nerds.
Starting point is 01:31:15 And then November 30th, come to the Live Mean Boys with Good Night. Yeah, November 17th, I am headlining The Hideaway in Riverside. If you live in Riverside, go near there. I almost got in a fight there one time.
Starting point is 01:31:27 Oh, I'm sure I will, too. And then on December 1st, I will be at the Comedy Palace in San Diego. And then every Wednesday, if you're a comic or you just want to support fucking open mic comedy at the Carmen Bar in South Orange County. It's a fun room, so please come on out. You'll have a shocking level of access to a very drunk Tom. Oh, no, not drunk. I can't drink anymore.
Starting point is 01:31:51 Yeah, I forgot, sorry. That's okay. JP, anything? I'll do Dusters or something. In terms of a larger gig, I'll be doing, I'll be at Laugh It Up Comedy Club,
Starting point is 01:32:00 great comedy club, check them out anyway. It's in Poughkeepsie, New York, near New York, if you're ever around those parts. Poughkeepsie? We got New York, Biebs. Nice. I'll be there with It's in Poughkeepsie, New York. Near New York, if you're ever around those parts. Poughkeepsie? We got New York, Biebs. Nice.
Starting point is 01:32:07 I'll be there with Colin Quinn in March. I know it's super cool. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. That's us. Check it out. We get it, JP. You're cooler than us. All right?
Starting point is 01:32:14 I'm sorry. All I have is fucking B-Club gigs near boats, okay? You have the drippiest apartment I know. So, or house. Sorry. Yo, I'm going to co-op that shit. I'm going to make that like a black guy word that sounds bad, but it's good. It's like it's dank know. So, or house. Sorry. I'm going to co-opt that shit. I'm going to make that like a black guy word
Starting point is 01:32:26 that sounds bad, but it's good. It's like it's dank. Dank, it's just the next evolution of dank. White people find out about dank, we call it drippy now.
Starting point is 01:32:32 Yo, man, that fucking, the shoes are drippy. Let's get the fuck out of here, guys. Yeah. Fuck everything. God is dead. See you next time.

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