Mean Boys - EP 91 - Velociraptor Love Tobasco (feat. Felicia Folkes & Opey)

Episode Date: November 21, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “The Omega Tom Part II”, “You Be The Judge”, "No Realm For Old Men", and a game of "Which of the Following" with kindle erotic novels by @FetusChrist. Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: https://goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Get the new Tom Lightning Round t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Felicia Folkes on Twitter: twitter.com/felfatale Follow our guest Opey on Twitter: twitter.com/swankyopey Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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From football to basketball and hockey to baseball, whatever the moment, it's never ordinary at Bet365. Must be 19 or older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connectsontario.ca. If you usually skip the opening announcements, don't do that. Mean Boys special news bulletin. Holy shit.

We made a Google form. Yeah, we are going on tour next year. We're planning it now, and we are going fucking hard with this one. Yeah, we're going all over the place. We're planning it out extensively. Tom is coming. We've already locked in some gigs, some college gigs, some festival dates. The Mean Boys' presence was

requested at a comedy festival, and we graced them with our acceptance. Yeah, that is shocking. You'll hear more about that soon. But we need your guys' help. We need to know where you are, where you want us to go, where we should be doing live episodes of Mean Boys. We'll be doing stand-up everywhere. Yeah, and more importantly, where we can sleep on your

couch. And what we've done is we've created a little Google form where you can just plug in your email address so we keep you posted on showtimes and ticket information. Just need to know the closest major city you're down to come out to. If there's a place there you'd like to see stand, you should try to book. If we can crash

on your couch, don't feel bad about saying no. We get it. And how many people you could wrangle in to come into the show. But seriously, we fucking love meeting you guys. We love going on the road. And we're excited to fucking plan it out. So if you could fill that out, it's going to be at the top of the show notes. It just takes a second.

Keep up to date on all that shit. And we're going to make it around everywhere soon. But this next trip, we're going to really be hitting the pavement. Yes. Also, while we're in special bulletin time. Ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop. November 30th, live Mean Boys podcast in North Hollywood, California.

At the Good Night. Come on out to that. That's going to be awesome. They do a great show there every Thursday. They're giving the Mean Boys a night to go fucking crazy, and we are going to do some weird shit for you guys. We don't do a lot of actual live Mean Boys shows in LA proper. So definitely come check that out.

And also, third special bulletin. At the Good Night. Not going to be a bad night. Tom came back from the basement to drop that gem on us. Anyway, what's the other special? Oh, I had something better if you guys started with me. What's the other special update, Connor? Oh, well, Snark Week draws nigh.

Holy fucking shit. December 12th. I mean, 4th. Not December 12th at all. Actually, a different day. Snark Week is coming, and it's going to change your life. Explain to these fucking people what Snark Week is. So December 4th through the 10th, we are going to be doing a podcast every fucking day.

A full episode of Mean Boys until we die. We've got emails out to all the famous people we vaguely know, so maybe two of them will say yes. But we're going to have some of your favorite guests from Mean Boys gone by. So that's going to be a whole week of fucking shows. Because we get people asking us all the time, like, how do you write sketches and jokes and everything for, like, an episode a week? And we're going to be like, we're going to do it every day because, fuck you, we're great.

And then my brain is going to bleed and I'm going to probably get into, I don't know, poetry or something. My guess is it's going to be Wednesday of Snark Week when we all start going mad. Yeah, and it's going to be a slow descent. So here's the thing. If you have any, which of the following games, any middle segments, any ideas at all that you've wanted to send us,

and a voicemail you've been thinking about leaving, a question you wanted to ask us, go ahead and start sending that shit in right now to meanboyspockets.gmail.com or drop the voicemail at 304-805-MEAN-6326 for any fucking simpletons out there. And we could use any help we can get just in terms of having shit to do. And also, we love the games. Every single one's

in the fall, and we've got for the last three or four months has been user-submitted. They've all been outstanding. Tell your friends. Tell everybody who will listen that we're doing this, because it's insane. We want as many people to hear it as possible. Tell your enemies. Yeah, your enemies especially. It's just going to be a big old publicity stunt enemies friends uh the patreon is still rocking and rolling we're uh fucking at like over 75 percent of the way to our next gold where we

uh we're gonna be dropping two shows every single month you know non-special snark week months uh included yeah uh and uh so we fucking thank you guys so much we're doing another sticker pack this month we just had the tom goss key chains if you get that 25 tier you're getting a huge box of shit sent to your house. All those mean boys paraphernalia. But if you're looking for a free way to support the show, you can always leave us a review on iTunes.

This one comes to us from the UK. Those boys are mean. You're at offensive, shambolic, often awkward, highly recommended. Wow, what a review. I don't know what shambolic means. Oh, it just kind of, it means what it sounds like.

It means like all over the place. Yeah, shambolic is that rag that cleans stuff up real good. Yeah, wow. If you kill a hookah in your trunk, you can get all the fucking goo out of your shit. It's a shambolic. Yeah, I didn't pay extra for that lining and that CD changer to have it stinked up by some whore. Other than that, we are brought to you, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California.

The finest Mexican food the mother could buy. The finest. You can go to eataburrito.com for more information, catering options. If you're having an event in the San Diego area and you don't have a cooler of Don Carlos burritos brought to your door, what the fuck are you doing with your life? Yeah, literally kill yourself and reevaluate. I recommend the California burrito, fucking French fries, sour cream. It's just a log of delights, my friends. Truly the best Mexican food I've ever had.

Fries are fucking crispy in the burrito, so you get that crunch. Oh, and you talk to the man himself, and he's so passionate. I get this very specific kind of fries because it creates a lattice of cream that just distributes it. Oh, yeah, Mr. Don knows his burritos. Yeah, if you get down there and you see Ryan working, tell Ryan the Mean Boy sent you. He'll go ahead and get a kick out of that. And also by Sudio Headphones. Tom, tell them about the Sudios.

Oh, well, Mr. Ear here says that Sudio is the best audio format to listen to audio formats in audio formats. We filled out a contract with these people, and this is the endorsement they're getting. No, seriously, though. I actually left mine at home, and I got rid of these pieces of shit that are not Sudio, all right? They're from Best Buy. I don't even think Best Buy carries Sudio because they're fucking behind the time. They're Uidos. They're the opposite of studios

yeah well studios come from Sweden which is a far away socialist utopia where chocolate just flows freely in the streets in little troughs and you can scoop a handful and those headphones are still the best thing they've produced in Sweden and I'm including all the fucking Czech casting couch videos

and the girl with the dragon tattoo if you hear me plugging something passionately, I'm not just doing it because they asked us to. I genuinely love the product. It's hard to get Tom to trust anything. All right? So check those out. Go to studiosweden.com.

Use promo code MEANBOYS15 for a fat 15% discount, free shipping all over the goddamn globe. Amazing battery life, a cord that doesn't tangle, and everything just sounds better. Just get them. You deserve it.

Treat yourself. Holidays are coming up. Show up with a box. They come in this sexy-ass box, and it's like you're opening a fucking treasure chest full of sleek delights. Sleek delights.

Fuck yeah, get your studios. Also, we're brought to you this week by the return of the 12 Questions podcast with Anna Valenzuela. If you guys remember the ill-fated Bad Audio Network, for a little bit, we were on a few other shows. One of those shows was 12 Questions, a podcast where Anna Valenzuela. If you guys remember the ill-fated Bad Audio Network, for a little bit we were on a few other shows. One of those shows was 12 Questions, a podcast where Anna Valenzuela, who's been on

Mean Boys before, sits down with people who are in recovery and AA, all kinds of different programs, and it's a real deep, real interview-y thing. I've done an episode. Former Mean Boy Joe has done it. It's a fucking great show. She just came back. She's doing new episodes with co-host Alex Duong, who you might know from Rose Battle. Or as your Uber driver

Perhaps But it's a It's a really great show It's obviously A very different speed Than Mean Boys But if you want to go in depth And there have been

Some Mean Boys Like Kyle Clark's been on it Some Mean Boys guests Pop up on there So yeah Definitely worth checking out Absolutely Give it a listen

And we love you for that Yeah yeah And you guys are great Fucking We just put out that spreadsheet On twitter for the the tour response we've already gotten so many people filled it out and tweeting us i gotta come to your city so all that shit really i know we're fucking assholes but it means the world to us and we love you guys yeah yeah oh also uh uh real quick that we'll be getting into more details later there's going to be a mean boys celebrity death pool yes uh. It's starting in January.

So next month they'll have all the info if you want to sign up. There's going to be, you know, winner gets the prize money, so you've got to buy in. Yeah, I'm sure some of your favorite Mean Boys guests will be in there so you can rub elbows with some of your favorites. Yeah, so if you like the idea of fantasy sports without the sports, and you're more into death or murder or whatever your speed is, hit me up. I'll let you guys or murder or whatever your speed is. Yeah. Hit me up. I'll let you guys know how to do it.

Yeah, and we'll keep your eyes peeled to the Twitter for announcements and all this shit. Oh, by the way, that tour survey, it's going to be in the show notes, but it'll also be our pinned tweet for a while, and it'll be on the announcement bar of the website, meatboyspodcast.com. Yeah, so with that, enjoy this week's episode, a true descent into madness with the very funny Felicia Foulkes and a special guest appearance from Opie in the back half. It's a

explosion of flavors of crazy. A fucking doozy if there ever was one. Enjoy. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Poe, but he's innocent. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Felicia Folks. And I'm... A methadone pigeon. Wow.

I realize looking at you, you both waddle like a pigeon and you have the same neck-to-head ratio. Oh, a city pigeon. Yeah, not one of these country pigeons. waddle like a pigeon and you have the same neck to head ratio. Oh, a city pigeon. Not one of these country pigeons. Not one of these podunk fucking... I had to stop flying when I got in recovery. You know it's a great metal image. I'll suck your dick for seed, baby. Is picturing a pigeon wearing a barrel

as overalls, flying around just panhandling. It would be a tomato can. I'm a pigeon. Oh, that would be a good aesthetic choice. Tomato soup can? I think we found your calling, Tom. It's pigeon wardrobe director.

I knew I could get into fashion. Yeah, it's 3.30 in the afternoon, which Tom calls the crack of dawn. Yeah, well, I stayed in the basement. And boy, when I first got there, I was like, man, I like this. Maybe I was wrong about this place. Woke up to just coughing and lightheaded and fucking, yeah, so I feel curious. You also stayed up until 5 in the morning smoking cigarettes and pretending to be Portuguese. Yeah, but I do that in other places.

When we were playing a game of Civilization. I was pretending to be Shoshan, thank you very much. Oh, Keith was Portuguese and I was Korean. My favorite Tom quote this morning is we're sitting outside smoking cigarettes and he goes, Yeah, and one thing I don't miss about living here, coughing up blood. Yeah, I wasn't really talking about that. I was coughing up a lot of bloody phlegm when I was living here. And that's not in the English way of like a lot of bloody phlegm.

There was blood in this man's phlegm. Felicia Folks joins us in the studio. One of my favorites. Hooray! How you doing? Good to see you, Felicia. How are you feeling about the whole vibe so far? We can't just switch from bloody phlegm to like,

oh, Felicia's here. Welcome to this show, motherfucker. If you want to keep talking about bloody phlegm, you don't look too stoked about that. Why is he coughing up blood? Look at him. Feeling the plagues, Felicia. Imagine any of his holes not pushing blood out.

Like, you can't do it. One hole, two hole, three hole, four hole, blood, blood. There's a hole in the bottom of his lungs. There's a hole in the bottoms of his lungs. God damn it. There, thank you. There's a hole in the neck and the fat and the shirt that he found on the ground and the hole in the bottom of his lungs.

Everybody! I was just talking to somebody recently about how every movie set in the 1800s it feels like somebody is dying of just cough up blood and a napkin disease.

And I feel like Tom just has that but it's going to be fine forever. Yeah, Tom's our Doc Holliday. I stopped doing it when I moved out.

Yeah, I gotta move to a van in New Mexico. Something about the humidity is going to make me immortal or something. All right, gang. I think we're all

fired up. What do you say we get into the Mexican joke? Ay, so topical. Not how it goes at all. Yeah, no. It was an artistic take on it. It was an artistic take. I don't think you know what art or takes are.

I take shit all the time. Take? That's like the brand of gum, you know? I think I swallowed a bunch of that. That's why all my poops take you know? I think I swallowed a bunch of that. That's why all my poops take 20% longer than the average beer. We just immediately got to fuck Tom mode today. We didn't even like... Yeah.

Elasticity feces. What are you talking about? What? Yeah, again... Gum poop. That makes me feel like it's totally justified. Felicia just looks like she wants to run through the window right now. No, I just realized I like Tom as a person.

So I just realized... You're just worried about him. I'm so worried about his health. Oh, you can't do that. No, I just realized I like Tom as a person. So I just realized you're just worried about him. I'm so worried about his health. Oh, you can't do that. Oh, you can't. Trust me. It just makes you anxious. I've gotten fucking so desensitized

to your maladies. We're not used to sincerity in this room. Oh, my God. He's coughing up blood. No, no, I stopped. Oh, my God. Just last night,

for old time's sake. You know, he took a walk down bloody phlegm lane. Phlegmory lane. He took a walk down bloody phlegm lane. Phlegm-ery lane. There is a fucking bloody chunk in my photograph. I was trying to do a Beatles thing. I know. Everybody keeps starting these

musical riffs and then realizing they don't know how to do them. Well, nothing's going to top it. I'm trying to remember how Sergeant Pepper went and I couldn't. Would you care if you pissed blood? Define care. Okay. Felicia, your matronly energy will get you nowhere in this room the mexican showdown what are we doing all right we each name a mexican and whoever has the most money wins jesus trejo uh george lopez i swear to god i love jesus to death i could beat you with 40 people at the time. Okay, the Pope.

All right, fair enough. I think he's just vaguely Hispanic. He's white Hispanic, like Ted Cruz Hispanic. You should get a percentage of the money he makes then. You're not managing the Pope, Tom. I thought that was the game we're playing. Hey, guys, we're not starting a fantasy Mexican draft. That's not happening.

Let's get into it. I know. That's going to be a logistical undertaking. It's coming soon, fans. Wait, do they have to be Mexican or can they just be like Hispanic? How many letters? Mexican? Mexican?

Did you add to the word Mexican? You just said Mexican. Mexican. Mexican. Yeah, they got to be mescaline or what? Mexican is like a brand of cigarettes they sell at Indian casinos. Yeah, Tijuana muscle milk. There's some mescaline.

Oh, we have an episode. Yeah. I'll take us away this week. ACDC's Malcolm Young has died this week at the age of 64. The surviving members said at the funeral, we love being black and black, but not like this. So stupid. That is pretty stupid, but I also really enjoy it.

Speaking of people who are dead, Charles Manson died yesterday. As a sign of respect, Rob Zombie will be flying his career at half mast. Tight. I don't get it. The Newark County Goth Club. I feel like the reason I didn't get it was because I don't know references and not because it was a bad joke. Yeah, that's for someone else. Yeah.

That's for, okay. This is your audience, though, right? Someone right now. Someone right now. You're getting awfully sassy for somebody who's about to tell their joke. It's the same tell their joke. It's the same topic, too. So, like, this is real good. Yeah, you've accumulated some bomb karma.

You're also really pulling back the curtain of the whole Mean Boys experience. I'm so sorry. You're like, wait, so you're all just dying and we're supposed to laugh at this? This is entertainment to you people? You need help. What a charming breakdown you're all having. I get you have a minor podcasting empire, but you're all on food stamps. There's cockroaches coming out of the ceiling. Don't be ridiculous. No podcasting empire, but you're all on food stamps. There's cockroaches coming out of the

ceiling. Don't be ridiculous. No one's explained to Tom how to get on food stamps. Where are the mugs? Alright, Felicia. You have a floor. You have to change the subject. Also, Manson died. I'm still not sure which one because my mom told me and she just said the crazy white one. Hey, I like that.

That is good. Felicia had some good delivery, too. You really milked that shit, like Conan O'Brien doing a little dance. That was fun. Louis C.K. was popped for jerking off in front of women while blocking the doorway. Frankly, the comedy community was surprised it wasn't Ralphie May since he can jerk off anywhere while blocking the doorway. I don't disrespect the dead.

I don't disrespect the dead. I'm joking. I'm joking. His body's finally cold. We can make jokes about him. Yeah, well, he was very mean to me at roast battle once, so I think we can all agree I won. Oh, yay! For now, you won until that happens to you.

Godspeed to that fat, beloved asshole. Also, I love that you used the word popped in the setup for that. They got popped for jerking it. Not the best verb. You know, there was a certain amount of verbs. My brain picked one. That's verbs fault for being popped.

All right. It was technically a verb. Tom is mad at. Fuck words. Fuck words. Classifications of language. I feel like there's like a gas leak in here. I can't say Mexican.

Do you know what I mean? I am the gasastly Felicia. Tom is sweating out chemtrails. They're making us paranoid. Put my tears in your lighter and have a cigarette. God damn it, dude. With the mohawk. I'm so happy you're here, though.

I really am, Felicia. Tom and Felicia have an amazing chemistry for no good reason. She's great. Yeah, I love Felicia. Don't insult her that way. I love am Felicia. Dude, Tom and Felicia have an amazing chemistry for no good reason. She's great. Yeah, I love Felicia. Don't insult her that way. Like, I love both of you. I can't think of any other world where these two human beings are in the same room together. But I adopt him.

Like a reverse blindside? Oh, my God. I do see the pigeon thing now. Right? He has pigeon tendencies. His head just moves on the pivot. Yeah, and Nikola Tesla liked me a lot. There's a lot of similarities.

All right. Former Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shorty has pled guilty to child pornography charges. In his verdict, the judge said, it's tragic, but I must announce we did catch Shorty watching Shorty's. God damn it. I knew it was coming. It got me, though. Speaking of comedy things that were big in the mid-2000s and are dead now. All right.

A Brazilian model auctioned off of virginity for $3 million. I haven't seen a cherry that overpriced since I went shopping at Whole Foods. Wow. Jesus. Are you ready to write about this? No, go ahead. Well, I mean. That's a good one, Jay. It's like Kevin, you've been. Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo

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Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo

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Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo Boo $4.50. All right. That's a fancy hooker is what that is, Tom. Yeah. I'm a minor podcasting celebrity, so I think I can get between $35 and $45. Well, you're kind of twinkie cute. I think if you were selling it to a dude, you could make some bank. Yeah. I could probably sell it to one of these ether rag billionaires. Yeah, for sure. Some sort of lubed up Howard Hughes type. Yeah.

Yeah. Me, absolutely nothing. I don't know. $20 in a sandwich. Yeah. Thoughts? Felicia doesn't have to answer. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah. Me, absolutely nothing. I don't know, 20 bucks and a sandwich. Like, yeah. Thoughts? Felicia doesn't have to answer. Oh, no, I can't.

Yeah, no. Now, probably like nothing. When I was like 10, probably nothing. I'm just being honest. That was worse. Like, when I'm 50, I'm going to have to pay somebody. Like, that kind of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I was 10. I'm going to have to pay somebody. Like that kind of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was 10. Fucking riding Miss Daisy. Also, hi. Holy shit, you have nice riding. Your mom has nice... Oh, is this a... Are you being nice? Thank you.

No, yeah. Yeah, I was. Felicia is in defense mode. She's got the fucking laser beams activated. Yeah, because everybody... Right out of the holster. Your mom has nice riding, motherfucker. Yeah, for the listening audience, we're all reading our jokes off of various cracked and

destroyed screens. She's doing some 90s shit. Yeah, hers is written in cursive longhand in a notebook. It looks like a letter to a Civil War soldier's wife. Dearest Virginia, a kid died today in the most hilarious way. It's been a fortnight since Charles Manson did some bum bullshit. I had to.

I always write my shit. Here we go. I'm doing a Mexican showdown. Here we go. I'm doing a Mexican showdown. Here we go. Never call it the correct name. It's a Mexican showdown. It's a showdown. It's a showdown. It's a Mexican joke-off.

Joke-off. I'm so sorry. Tom, did your circuit board get wet this morning? Do you need water, though? For real. Tom, do more blank scare-based humor.

That works great on a podcast, you stupid asshole. I was trying to figure out what you guys were referring to. Your face and your aura. I just woke up. When did you wake up? Because nobody knows yet. I'm not convinced he's awake. I'm not convinced this isn't an aggressive form of sleepwalking.

I had weird dreams. At 2.40 this afternoon, Tom came walking onto the patio like a wounded pirate. Just like, limping and just like, squinting at a shadow. I fucking hate the sun. Felicia, go ahead and tell your joke. Queen Elizabeth in

Here we go. Is there blood in that? Be careful. Right? Fucking sick house. Here we go. Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip celebrated their platinum 70-year anniversary, and it's rumored he woke up early and leaned over to his love and whispered something so sweet.

You promised after 70 years you'd let me put in your butt, bitch. You want some water, don't you? That's why you're asking about the Red Bull, huh? Was my joke funny or not? Yes. What is everybody asking about water for? Everybody calm down. Yeah, that was funny.

When do you think the last time Queen Elizabeth got fucked was? Oh, for sure every night. She has to be getting some. She still wants it, though? She's like 1,000. She probably fucks robots or something. I think she had a whole fucking dispatch of Puerto Rican boys just turn her out after she killed Princess Diana in that car with the Muslim dude. That's what I think.

I think she had to celebrate. Just had him choke her out with the cut brake wire? No. If there was a heaven and I go and I see St. Peter, before I find out if I'm in or not, I'm like, when is the last time Bill and Hillary fucked? I need to know. I feel like they fuck once a month and it's either really bad or really rough. If they fuck, it's in a contract.

I think they fuck other people. Oh yeah, they definitely fuck other people. There were kind of some news stories about it a few years back. I don't know about people. Children, perhaps. Hillary? I don't think so. Why not, perhaps. Oh, yeah. Pedophile islands. Hillary? I don't think so. Why not?

There's a conspiracy that Bill Clinton takes a blimp to an island full of children. I know a conspiracy, baby. That's called Saturday Night. Speaking of which, Kevin Spacey defended himself for being a pedophile, though saying he was gay as a distraction. It was very similar to the usual suspects, but instead of no longer limping at the end, he laid pipe at a 10-year-old. There's a lot to love about.

I fucked up a lot of words in there. Number one, that joke's from like three weeks ago. Yeah, I just caught up. Number two, it's basically a joke I made on Facebook. Oh, really? Oh, I don't really look up people's jokes. I feel bad now. No, it's fine. I've done a joke that Keith did

like word for word the next week because I forgot. Yeah, I've stolen Connor's joke. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm not mad. It was funny. Now I'm a hack and talking about children getting hurt. Well, let's look.

Let's change the subject. Ron Jeremy stands accused of sexual assault. Two women say they intend to take the hedgehog for every gold ring he's got. That was a Sonic joke. I made a Photoshop of this. It was not as well received as some of my other recent Photoshop ventures,

but I took my shot. I did a thing where I filmed me interviewing people at Adult Con a couple years ago and I came around a corner and I saw Ron Jeremy

and he wasn't even like a booth or anything. He was just kind of like there and he had one of those like old people like canes that has a stool built into it

and he was just sitting there and he was just like gray and sad. He looked like a gargoyle. Oh, Ron Jeremy? Yeah, he looked like a gargoyle that lives on top of like a fatty butcher shop. I saw him sign like a soccer mom's ass one time. At the store, right?

Yeah. I was with you. Oh yeah, that was a good time. Wow. Yeah, but I think he's probably dying. Yeah. But he's still getting that dick sucked though, right? Oh, for sure, yeah. Oh, probably. Oh, hell yeah. All right. Kiss frontman Gene...

More? Oh, there's more. Yeah, we do five. You scared Felicia. She thought she was free from sexual assault allegation jokes for a brief moment. Yeah, no, I'm not going to make another sexual harassment joke. Kiss frontman Gene Simmons has been banned from Fox News for sexually harassing staff members. Also because they just realized that he's a Jew.

Kiss is really some low-key Jews. Some of the lowest-key Jews there are. Yeah. Really? Oh, that's right. They are Jewish. Yeah. You know anti-Semitism is bad when to distract from being a Jew, they dress like the devil. People are more accepting of Satan than Jews.

Oh, you're spitting blood as long as you're not changing interest rates. I don't know a lot of Kiss references. Pretend I said one. Okay. Oh, yeah. Highway to hell. Nope. That's the other band where a guy died.

Oh, that's ACDC. Yeah, we just did that one. Who is Kiss? Kiss. Rock and roll all night. Same clown posse looking ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is correct there. My dad kissed Tribute Band. Room service coffee looking ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is correct there.

My dad, Kiss tribute band. Room service. No makeup. Go see him. Torn around the Southland. Did anyone else think ACDC and Kiss were the same band? Not one person. Nobody except you.

Yeah. One of them wears makeup and the other one wears schoolboy clothes from Australia. Yeah. One wears makeup and one is really good. I bet Bill Clinton fucking jerks off to ACDC. Oh, God. They're really good when you just shit-talk Pink Floyd, all right? This is where I draw the line.

ACDC is a better band than Pink Floyd. No, no, no. ACDC is a more listenable band than Pink Floyd. And then jam out to ACDC. That's what I do with music is I listen to it. But guys, is it Kanye or J. Cole? What are we picking on? Today, J. Cole.

Guys, if Kendrick is on the track, is it not the best verse? If there was an ACDC Kendrick collab, that would be the greatest thing that ever happened. Alright, Felicia. Sorry, guys. Felicia was just like, I'm going to wait until this white bullshit comes. Okay, here we go.

Here we go. Mexican joke off. Joke challenge. Here we go. Mexican joke off. Joke. You got it right. You were right. Yes, okay. Trump. Why did you say that like you're asking a boy out of the day?

Trump, will you come to Sandy Hawkins? Yes, no, maybe. Here we go. Here we go. Trump wants Marshawn Lynch fired for sitting down during the National Anth anthem, but he stood up during the Mexican anthem. Yeah, the Mexican. I can't say Mexican. How do you say Mexican?

Am I? You just said it. Okay. Every time you've said it and it hasn't mattered for the flow of your joke, you've crushed it. Okay. So, okay. From the beginning, Trump wants Marshall. Okay.

Okay. Here. Are you doing a Chris Rock thing where you keep repeating the setup? Hey, Felicia, I hear you got some news about Trump. You just got Byron Allen, bitch. What? Okay, I just realized I have to know about the reference to care about the burn. Wait, who's Byron?

Comics Unleashed. And he does the panel show where he has comics on. He's like, hey, Keith, I heard you're a fat bisexual. And then Keith's like, well, yeah, Byron. I am disgusting. You don't like the white references, so we go to Comics Unleashed. The iconic black comedy show. Name one black comedy show more iconic than Comics Unleashed.

It doesn't exist. Okay? I'm just deaf-jumped. I'm kidding. Okay. I was like, okay. Okay. Trump wants...

I'm going to read your joke for you. Okay, here we go. Trump wants Marshawn Lynch fired for sitting down during the American National Anthem. For standing up during the Mexican National Anthem. Because the game was in Mexico City. But you can't blame Trump. Trump just thought Marshawn was Mexican and was trying to get an American job free.

What? What? Well, it may have taken you five minutes to read it. No, no, here we go. I don't think you heard it. Trump. Yeah, give me the DVD commentary on that bullshit joke.

I don't think... Trump? Okay, you guys don't get it. I've never seen anything like that happen on this show. That was fantastic. You just melted. I think we're still only on like the third show. That was the best joke.

That was the funniest joke so far and it was the worst joke by far. It was impressive what you did. No, it's great. I got one worse. Dustin Hoffman was accused of sexual assault by two women ah talk about your classic creamer versus creamer wow tom that made sense holy shit you don't usually do that grabbed you it all right um fuck all right a navy pilot is under fire for using his plane's contrails to draw a I grabbed you it. All right. Fuck.

All right. A Navy pilot is under fire for using his plane's contrails to draw a dick in the clouds. Reports indicate he may have also put God's hand in a cup of warm water and draped the sky. My dad sent me that on my birthday. The story about the dude drawing the dick. Oh, the dick in the clouds? Yeah. I'm like, ah, this is why we're related. I don't get why people are upset by that.

Like, it's not an actual penis. It's not... I don't get it. Some people don't want to look up and see a dick. Yeah, most people don't look up. They probably are like, hey, there's probably a penis up there, and then looked up. People don't just go around staring at the sun or the sky. Well, I think you might have.

I look around quite often. You're aware you can see the sky when you look forward as well, right? Yeah, but that's it. Maybe. Not even maybe. That's just objectively. More people should look down at their feet. Okay.

Yo, Felicia's being nonplussed by all this is very funny. I'm so sorry. She's being very careful after what happened with the last show. No. Oh, no. That was a gold joke. You guys aren't my core demographic. All right.

Here we go. A California church has been shut down for secretly. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God. Fuck you to death. What? We don't disrespect churches in front of you.

I'm joking. I'm joking. Good. Because you're going to hate this. Church is chicken? I have to go. You're dipping your big toe in the racism pool. Also, church is not as good as Popeye.

Amen. Objectively not true. What? I like eating fish. KFC is the best. A salmon salad is the best. But also, after that. A salmon salad. the best, but also then after that is... Wait, what?

Just a salmon salad. Fish is great. A California church has been shut down for secretly selling marijuana. Churchgoers are outraged, calling the ordeal hacky sack religious. That was good. I know. Yeah, that's where Felicia displayed no happiness. No!

When I laugh, I don't laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck did you just say? You know what I mean? I don't laugh. I'm the same way, kind of. You know what I mean? I just go, no, don't laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck did you just say? You know what I mean? I don't laugh. I'm the same way. I just go, no, it's good. Alright, here we go. No pressure. That last one was a short one. Oh, God. Wait, I am looking at a

paragraph here. No, no, no. No, this is... Okay, here we go. To whom it may concern. The Mexican essay. The essay essay. Here we go, here we go, here we go. The Mexican essays. The essay essay. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

The Girl Scouts of America is warning parents not to pressure young girls to hug relatives during the holidays because it makes them feel like physical affection can be used as like a... Yeah. I can't even read this. Sexual. No. Makes them feel like, oh, they can use it as like a payment, like they owe somebody something, right?

Okay. Yeah. But in response, the Boy Scouts of America released a, um, no. A statement? Oh, no, no, no. They just equipped all the boys with samurai swords for double the sexual assault this holiday season. What? I got it.

Because all the girls are not, so the. No, he's trying to put it to you. Oh, I was moving Felicia's mic to get it closer to her. I would like the record show. Connor just hit Felicia with the microphone. For a bad joke. Oh, sorry, Connor. It wasn't a bad joke.

It would be unfair to call that a joke. It was really just a bad sentence. Yeah, Felicia turned her nose up at our subject matter and then closed on little boy samurai rape. No. They're defending themselves. That's a good episode title. Little boy samurai rape.

A little harsh. We already got Tijuana muscle milk. We'll see if we can top it. Yeah. I thought you just called it Mexican meslin. Is that the word? Oh, yeah. Meslin.

Meslin. Yeah. Mexican meslin. You know these meslins taking our jobs. I was in bezel andolin Mezzolin. Mezzolin's a Muslim Mexican, right? Tom, your joke. Okay.

Transparent star Jeffrey Tambor was accused of sexual assault by two victims. This is currently the best proof that women rape each other, too. Oh, man. We're going to get yelled at by somebody. How has this been every single joke? And it's like they've all been pretty different. Yeah. I actually made it every single joke.

We got one more to go. Well, yeah. I'm going to change the pace. Al Franken has accused of sexual assault. Many of his peers are calling on him to resign, while some are speculating he is merely gearing up to run for the Republican nomination. Ah! That's my Bill Maher joke of the week.

Yeah, that's New Yorker, Connor. Yeah, for sure. Conservatives are outraged over a Starbucks holiday cup that sexually harassed 40... No, I'm kidding. Conservatives are outraged over a Starbucks holiday cup containing an image of a same-sex couple holding hands. Said one concerned consumer, Can I get a nonfat soy vanilla latte without having to look at this faggot shit?

All right, cool. I think we're done. I think that was five jokes. It wasn't? I think it was five jokes, yeah. No, we started with you. Yeah, I only wrote five. Connor's done.

He's like, I'm done. Oh, okay. We can be done. No, no, no. We can... No, I told five, though, because I did ACDC, I did Ralph Shorey,

I did Ron Jeremy. No, you did five. That was Keith. Oh, and then Keith... Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not the last... Okay. No, yeah. five. That was Keith. Oh, and then Keith. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not the last. Okay. No, yeah.

It was just my turn. Yeah, you only child. Sorry for trying to save us all from it. No, here we go. It's really rough. So here we go. Here we go. Oh, this one's rough?

It's really rough. Here we go. Okay. Here we go. She's got this. Here we go. Here we go. Yo, Felicia, I'm so stoked.

Here we go. Here we go. Della Reese died. And there's nothing funny about that. Rest in peace. Oh, she showed you cuts. God. Tom is my demographic.

Oh, that's bad, Felicia. I, like, wanted to give you, like, the that wasn't funny, that's funny laugh, but I just didn't have it. No, no, no, I don't want that. Okay, get ready to be mad at me i don't really know who della reese is okay let me do the other joke then this is my other no shut up she invented the pieces yeah yeah della reese and the pieces she's like a singer right oh i thought you guys were saying like della reese's pieces like that was what i. I saw Diana Ross trending last night and I got mortified. I was like, no, not Diana. I was supposed to take my grandma to see you and the new fake Supremes at the casino near my house.

Okay. You got to get my friend's help on this one. Hey, it's Sylvester Stallone. Nope. Nope. Already writing up. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Going to jail because of Drago. Going to jail because of Drago who? Going to jail because of Drago nuts across a 14-year-old's forehead. Tom, we're looking rough right now. We're looking rough. We're looking rough right now. And, you know. He're looking rough. We're looking rough right now. You know... He did get popped.

What were you going to say, Felicia? It's just... It's just fine. You know what? That was fine. Honestly, I didn't know you were doing the show. I would have done five sexual assault jokes if I knew there was... I'm going to stop backtracking. Yeah, Tom, that probably made it sound

worse. You guys, what happened here? I think a classic episode happened. To be fair, I got short notice. They wouldn't have been better if I got long notice. I enjoyed what you brought. We've already reached the mouth of madness and we are 25% through

recording this show. Here's the thing, Felicia was fantastic. Yeah. And we are 25% through recording this show. And here's the thing. Felicia was fantastic. Yeah. And we'll be right back with something else on this fucking show here. I got to say, coconut water is fucking great. Previously on the Omega Tom, a mysterious plague tore through the human race. Tom Goss arrived in Los Angeles to find that he was seemingly the last living soul on Earth. Or was he?

For the Mean Boys Podcast, this is the Omega Tom, Chapter 2, Pillage Idiot. When last we left our hero, Tom had just been awoken by the sound of the doorbell at the Mean Boys' house. In what seemed to be a dead world, who, or what, else had survived? Were they friend or foe? And what did they want with Tom? He moved towards the door to find answers, brandishing his trusty swap-meat broadsword.

Who's there? Whoever you are, you better fuck off. I have a sword. Ah, shit. I should have said I had a gun. Why did I say I had the gun? Eh, I don't like liars. A shotgun blast tore through the cheap lock

and a steel-toed boot kicked the door open. Tom held his sword at the ready, faced with a woman, clad in a leather jacket and an all-business facial expression. She leveled the gun at Tom. Don't shoot! I hate getting shot! Are you infected? I don't know. I haven't gotten tested since I tried to get that beehive pregnant. Quit fucking around! Do you have the virus or not? No. No virus is here virus or not? No.

No virus is here. Except for my computer. Tried to watch a YouTube video. Made some mistakes. Now Russia uses my computer to watch me pee. He's clean. Bring him in. Fuck.

Son of a bitch got me in the ankle. Hang on, buddy. We're gonna get you help. Bruza, find him somewhere to rest and get him bandaged up. I'll clean out the house. Oh, you're gonna clean? You're aggressive maid but good luck nobody can clean this house foundation is like 80 cigarette butts and spiders i'm not a maid you moron i'm talking about supplies food

medicine batteries we're taking them everyone's dead so I think the food is just free now. All the stores were torn apart by the time we got to them. Take me to the kitchen. Okay, but wait, because I eat food, so that might be a problem. I could just eat air, I guess. That's just boring marshmallows. All right, come on with me. You're the third prettiest person that's ever robbed me. What's your name?

Tom's the name. And Goss is... Goss is also the name. I'm Rocket. That's Bruiser and Storm's in the other room. Oh, that's nuts. What are you guys, like X-Mans or something? We had different names in the before time,

but since the virus took over, our old identities are dead. Boy, this seems like an awfully complex mythology, considering it's been, like, the apocalypse for, what, ten hours? I want a cool name. Be like Knife, or Karate, or Spoon. No, wait, I got it. Murder Dave. Uh, fucking whatever, dude. Do we even know what's happening out there?

I've always felt like reality is kind of none of my business. Well, whatever the virus was, it didn't kill everybody. Some people survived, some got mutated. Oh. So you are X-Men. I knew it. No, not us, dipshit. They're like zombies. If they bite you, you're toast.

We don't know how many of them there are, but there's definitely too goddamn many for my taste. The last thing we heard before the radios went down was that there was a CDC safe zone out in Phoenix. A safe zone? Is that one of those comedy shows where it's just like ladies and gay dudes giving each other trophies for being good at Twitter? I don't know what even you think any of that means,

but we could use some backup. We should come with us. There's safety in numbers. Yeah, I don't trust groups. Well, you can trust the group of cannibal mutants out there to eat you if you stay here. Yeah, I've always been too edible. It's one of my only problems.

But, yeah, sure, I'll join the team. Rocket, get in here. We're losing him. Rocket and Tom enter the bedroom to see Bruiser tending to his friend Storm. Storm laid in a bed, his skin pale from blood loss, sweat drenching his forehead. Look. Oh my

God. Thick black veins coursing toxic blood spread across Storm's exposed leg, all originating at the pus-stripping bite wound on his ankle. Once the virus gets to his heart, he'll turn into one of them. You... You guys kill me before you let me turn.

I'll do it. Wait, don't shoot him. If we amputate the leg, we can stop the spread of the disease. Oh, I got this. What? Yeah, what?

Oh, I'm part of the X-Men now. I gotta pull my weight. I'll be the cut-the-legs-off guy. Let's get some hot water and disinfectant. What are you talking about, you goofy bitch? You can't cut off a leg with medicine.

You do it with a sword. Shit, they're coming in the front. We'll cover the windows. Tom, do it. Oh, fuck, Harry. I can feel myself changing. Don't worry. This will only hurt a lot. Tom raised his sword and swung it down on Storm's leg with all his might. An arterial splurt gushed across the bench heath as he opened Storm's leg just above the knee. With brute strength, he hacked and slashed for what felt like an eternity.

The dull sword ill-equipped to cut through the meat and bone. After several sweaty, screaming, blood-soaked minutes, the deed was done. Tom stepped back, winded from his unexpected turn as a surgeon. Okay! I got it. You're good. You cut off the wrong fucking leg, you dipshit. Oh. I was supposed to cut off the poison one.

Yeah, that makes way more sense. What the fuck, dude? Why didn't you say something? I said it so many times. Well, yeah, but I thought you were just still going like blood crazy or whatever. Oh, shit! Ah, jeez, okay. He's dead.

I guess I should say something. Here. Here. Here, uh, lies... What was his name? Shotgun? Or shuttlecock? Or something. There's too many of them! We gotta go!

Tom, any luck? Nah, your friend's, like, really dead. Oh, wait. Never mind. Oh, shit. He's turned. Take him out, Tom. I never killed a guy before.

I should have planned a good catchphrase or something. I got it. How about, hey, buster. The, uh, uh, uh, the sword is mightier than your face. I'll work on it. I'll work on it. We're moving. Tom, you in?

No, I want to stay here at Casa de Dead People and wait to get eaten. Fuck yes, I'm in. Let's get out of here. And so Tom headed into the night, following his newfound allies into an uncertain future. Would there be hope at the safe zone? Would they survive long enough to find out? Would Tom try and throw some D at Rocket? The only way to find out is to stay tuned for The Omega Tom, Chapter 3, Bunker, I Barely Know Her.

And the Mean Boys podcast is back after Felicia just barely learned the name of the first segment. Mexican, Mexican, Mesco, Costco. Yeah, yeah. The Mescaline Show Off. Yeah. Yeah, the Marzipan Jerk Off. Okay. Marzipan Jerk Off.

Yeah. That sounds like a Lead Belly song. So we're going to get into one of our favorite segments. It's time for You Be the Judge. I'm going to read you about some crimes. I always say that, and it's so incredible. I'm going to read you about some crimes. I'm going to read you about the crimes.

I'm going to read you about some mishaps, and you're going to have to weigh in. Tell me what you think ought to happen to these folks, these criminals, these sinners, lawbreakers, scoundrels. We've got to come up with new punishments for these criminals. Headline, woman who faked terminal cancer to collect $260,000 in donations gets 25 months in prison. An Alabama woman will spend 25 months in prison for raising more than $260,000

by fraudulently portraying herself as a terminal cancer patient from 2014 to early May 2017, people confirms. According to court documents obtained by people, Jennifer Flynn Cataldo, what fucking kind of

Star Wars name is that? Flynn Cataldo is in Mos Eisley, like, drinking, like, Romulan ale. Yeah, it's that weird werewolf man. Like, octopuses. Collected a total of 264163 from donors. She allegedly created GoFundMe accounts and social media pages that said she was dying of cancer and needed money for medical expenses. Now, I will show you a picture of her. She does look like she's dying from cancer.

She doesn't not look like me. She kind of looks like a British version of Keith. And some real bad female balding, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a rough... She's got the female cul-de-sac. I mean, I think give her the money, because she's not dying of cancer, but she still looks like that. This is not in America?

This is in Alabama. So, no. Not my America. No, this is in hell. Wait, so we're arguing whether or not she gets to keep the money? No. No, what do you think should happen? Because this is what happened.

They took the money from her. They took the money and she got to... Well, we got to think about... Yeah, okay. Yo, her body is a jail, though, for real. Yeah, I mean, her body is just a beefy prison. Like... Yeah.

I fuck her. You guys are being insensitive. Y'all fuck her. What? She's smart. She's smart. She's smart. She's a hustler.

She's a hustler. She's not that smart. She got caught. I mean... She can hustle everywhere She's a hustler. She's a hustler. She's not that smart. She got caught. I mean. She can hustle everywhere except for a baseball diamond. I'll tell you that. Or a hustler. Damn, Tom.

Damn, Tom from half court. Oh, it's four o'clock. Tom is up and running. That was Tom throwing the basketball from half court at the wrong basket and hitting the backboard and bouncing into the right one. I've done that. The only time I was playing city league basketball during the summertime,

I used to be a big basketball kid, weirdly enough, and my dad was just from the stands dad coaching, and I freaked out and made a basket for the other team. Good for you, buddy. I think this woman should be sentenced to two years of managing the Mean Boys Patreon account.

$206,000 is a lot of fucking the Mean Boys Patreon account. Ooh, yeah. Because, goddamn, $206,000 is a lot of fucking money. That's a lot of screw up. But, yeah, that's a lot of money. So do you think she has to give it back? Do you think she goes to jail for longer? What do you think should happen? She should definitely give it back. I think now she has to get cancer.

What do we do? Just stick her in a microwave for a while? She has to, yeah, turn the microwave for, like, three hours, stick her head by it until she gets cancer. And then, yeah, if she gets cancer fast enough. And if she gets superpowers, she's got to work for the government. Every day they take away two grand until she gets cancer. If she gets the negative money, she has to still pay it until she gets cancer. And it all goes to cancer awareness.

Is that the most math you've ever done? Pretty close. I wasn't following along. There's no way it adds up. There's not a chance. 2,000 a day of what? Microwave therapy? No, money.

He's trying, though. 2,000 monies. Yes, 2,000 monies a day. I say. Until you get... No, cancer. I actually couldn't think of another rhyme. Yes, cancer.

I went down on this. None of that rhymed in the first place. Give her cancer. Why are you punished? She's fine. Because I declare. She's just like, yeah, this needs money. Yeah, you need money.

She fucking finessed her win to $2,600. Yeah, that's an excellent use of the word finesse. That's a great verb you could use instead of popped. I don't think it's... Popped is almost the opposite of finessed. Yeah, popped is more... Okay, let me reread the joke. Louis C.K. was finessing someone.

All right, way worse, way worse. Yeah, he finessed himself by a doorway. All right. Okay, well, we solved that one. And the head of cancer. Yeah, call back to the Mexican jog off. What do you think should happen to that guy that drew the dick in the sky? Oh, he should be promoted to king of airplanes because that's the fucking raddest thing anyone

ever did. King of airplanes? I think they need some, like, marshal in the Air Force or something. We could make him, like, a king of planes or... That's exactly what Keith just said. I meant military planes. I couldn't think of the word. Those are called planes, Tom.

Let's give him Colin Powell's job. Again, Felicia, Colin Powell is the only public figure Tom knows past Tom Waits. Colin's in it. It's funny. You only know him because his name is basically Butthole Powers? Yeah, I mean, that's the same way I learned about Bush. Yeah, what's his name

again? Light-skinned shitpipe? Dick Cheney? Okay, I gotta say, like, the early 2000s, best time for a kid to learn about politics, because it was all just potty mouth. It was pretty fucking great. Yeah, Bush, Colin. Yeah, well, Bush, yeah, because like you...

Colin, yeah. Some women have pubic hair, Felicia, and this is a phenomenon we call it. We label it Bush. Gross. What's wrong with them? They need to finesse themselves with their phony money and get some laser surgery like me. I keep my shit smooth, con man. I'm fucking with you. I think you should get

fired for just being a hack I think it's easy to draw a dick try drawing a full vagina I mean inside out yo vaginas are tough to draw

labias menorahs and majoras everything yeah everything I like that like the simple dick there's a

like you can everyone knows the standard issue draw a dick dick but to draw a vagina it's like well first of all what kind of vagina do you want to draw

yeah an innie an outie a black one but he only has like white cloud paint yeah But to draw a vagina, it's like, well, first of all, what kind of vagina do you want to draw? Yeah. An innie, an outie, an innie? But he only has like white cloud paint. Yeah. Cloud paint? How did he get purple cloud paint?

Cloud paint. That's so crazy. I didn't know it came. Did Prince die? What happened again? Prince died again and they made a purple pussy in the purple pussy eaters. Can we call this guy Sky Banksy? Yo, we got to call Prince fans purple pussy eaters.

Oh my God. Holy shit. call this guy sky banksy yo we gotta call prince fans purple pussy i bet prince ate pussy ridiculously oh my god prince yeah i bet he just like laid down like silks like made out of like gypsy tears that's the thing about bisexuals we only have like four people but they're all like the most sexually explosive human beings. We have like Prince and Bowie, so we're crushing it. Yeah. I don't understand Bowie. You don't need to. Sexually or just musically?

Yeah. Both. Okay, cool. The answer to both is he's great and deal with it. He has a couple of good songs I really, really like. Okay, Tom, you can't judge Bowie. How do you love Pink Floyd and not get Bowie? Bowie's bad.

I don't like, you know what it is? Some of the deeper guts of Bowie I've heard, which isn't much, I've liked. But his shit I hear on the radio, fucking, I don't like. Yeah, but that's... I think Tom just doesn't like Vanilla Ice and doesn't understand that they're separate things. My first ex loved David Bowie, so when he died, I was like, ah, bitch is crying somewhere. So that was mainly the reason I didn't like David Bowie. I can't argue with that.

She loved that movie where David Bowie, his best friend's a puppet. Can you say David Bowie more? Right? Yeah. You're thinking of Labyrinth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jennifer Lawrence couldn't act yet. Not Jennifer Lawrence.

Jennifer Connelly. Yeah, and then they remade that movie with the Mexican, what's it called again? Pizza Maze? Yeah, the Mexican. Mexican goat off. Blowjob Adams was in it, I think. Did you see that movie? What's Blowjob Adams?

I'm just assuming. Is that like the founding father of Bang Bros? I'm just hoping if I think about it. Ramona Handcock. The Bang Father. Yes, the Bang Brothers have issued a decree that they are independent now. I know I'm saying this like the Pepperidge Farm guys. Like I was doing the English dude reading the newspaper.

Then the Ejaculation Proclamation came. Whoa, a fucking treatise from the Reality King. All right, and finally, Toys R Us, which has filed for bankruptcy recently, wants to pay $16 million in bonuses to its executive. What do you think should happen to the Toys R Us, which has filed for bankruptcy recently, wants to pay $16 million in bonuses to its executive. What do you think should happen to the Toys R Us executives? Murder. We should murder the toy men. It's toy money, so who really cares, you know what I mean?

I mean, $16 million. Toy money spends, please. Actually, that would be very fair. They get the money, but it's only in Monopoly money. Take that, CLOs. What is CLOs? Were you thinking of cellos? Whatever they are.

He said CLOs. That's how you say sky in Spanish. CLO is a disease if your sky deck doesn't get up. It's like a pill for it. I fucked it up. It doesn't matter. Shut up, Tom! God, I loved Toys R Us when I was a kid. Remember when toys were a thing?

Yeah, I do. And it was just fun to go look at. Why are you looking at each other's eyes like that? What? Because we're trying to fucking pull up from this sinking ship of a bitch. We're broadcasting, Felicia. Look at me too, though! I look at you, Felicia! You look at them! I know, but I noticed that.

Felicia, you're frequently sitting eight feet away from the mic and scoffing at us. I'm sorry if you don't feel more included in this broadcasting operation. All right, we're looking at Felicia. Felicia has the floor. All you've done is file your nails and call us idiots. Me? All right.

All right. Untrustworthy employee at the DMV, please. Tell us more. We're making eye contact. You two are keeping eye contact. I want to make sure there's no, like, collusion. There's collusion. We're fucking. We're straight up fucking. You two are keeping eye contact. I want to make sure there's no, like, collusion. That's collusion. We're fucking. We're straight up fucking.

God damn it. Okay. Tom, define collusion real quick. It's like a conspiracy. Oh, you actually got it right. Yeah, okay. You pretty much did it. A conspiracy and collusion are... Collusion can be... For Tom, that's right. It's like a conspiracy. It's not a conspiracy.

Alright, well, it's settled. They're going to all get raped by a person. I learned that from The League with the Steve Rett Azizi show. Yeah. That's where I learned that word. Not from everything happening in America right now. No, I ignore America. Cool.

Will you pay attention to a fantasy football-based FX comedy? Anything that can make me not think. Haunting. It really hurts when I think too much. Yeah, Tom didn't seem that starstruck when we had Steve in here. Yeah. No, I hide it. I was very, very excited.

You were starstruck for Gareth Reynolds, though, for sure. I was, because I felt like me and him were going to connect more. You did to Gareth Reynolds. We did, we did. But I was like, I didn't want to. I don't know. Why am I coming off like a fanboy right now? This is very strange, what we're doing.

Yes. That was you be the judge. The Mean Boys will return with some more shit right after this. Yeah. Oh, no, that's fine. No, I didn't mean... Okay. What up, Bumba Clats?

The Mean Boys podcast is back. Real quick, I wanted, it's something that you missed outside. We were talking about pumpkins outside. What did you tell us? Yeah, I threw a pumpkin through the West Side Comedy Theater window. Do they know this? Yeah, they fixed it. I felt so bad.

Why did you do that? I mean, I was drunk. I was off that lean, Connor. Oh, no. It was regular drunk. Okay. Tell me if I'm wrong. Is that like the white person version of throwing a watermelon?

Is that pumpkin? What could you possibly be talking about? I'm going to try to translate here and diffuse the situation. Okay. Pumpkin being the whitest gourd and watermelons being the blackest, like, melon. You're not helping. Guys, I feel great just being here. Okay, Tom, you're on your own now.

I tried. Jeez. I support you. Wait, is it great or great? Like, if a drunk white lady threw a watermelon through the comedy union. What just happened? You threw a pumpkin through the West Side Comedy Theater, a very white comedy club. We were friends three minutes ago.

I'm just saying if pumpkins aren't a thing to throw at white people, it should be. I didn't throw it at any white person. You're implying it was like, hey, go back to Minnesota. And then you threw a pumpkin through the window. No, I had just gotten off. Oh, my god. This went exactly how I wanted it to. No, I had just gotten off. I was just like a little like lit.

A little lit. You're a pumpkin throwing lit. You were straight up like. You got drunk enough to become the Headless Horseman. That's what you did. You turned into the Hobgoblin. You know what? I hate y'all. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving. I've never seen a pumpkin like that. So I was like, I have to toss it to the person sitting. What was this exotic pumpkin? It was like, it was like, imagine you took a pumpkin and you squished it. Like a tiny pumpkin. Not tiny, but like, no. Like a flat pumpkin.

I know what you're talking about. Like a burger. It was the shape of a burger. Those are the best pumpkins to threaten white people with. Why are we turning this into a pizza show? Tom, we're not... What are you... I still support her, though, okay?

Okay. All right. Well... I ruined it, didn't I? You sure did. What's the Witch of the Following this week? Love you guys. Oh, yeah.

We're playing Witch of the Following. Yay! I'll drop the jingle there. Also, I like that you guys just made me look like a sloppy bitch. And you're like, oh, we're playing Witch of the Following. Yay. I'll drop the jingle there. Also, I like that you guys just made me look like a sloppy bitch. And he's like, oh, we're moving on now. Okay. Yeah, we made you.

We told you to throw a pumpkin through the window of a comedy club. You've never seen a squished pumpkin. I love you. Own your shit. They're great. Yeah, if I saw a square watermelon, I wouldn't go commit crimes with it. No, I wanted to toss it to somebody standing next to the window and they weren't looking and I just tossed it.

Sounds like you had bad aim and you threw it at a window and they were supposed to intercept it. Yo! Oh, sorry. Oh yeah, Opie's here. Yeah, we just got

into a whole pumpkin fight. We should tell the listeners Opie used to call watermelons water lemons and I'd be like, hey Opie, I don't want to embarrass you but just so you know it's watermelon in case anyone gives a shit about it and he's like, I'm going to call watermelons water lemons, and I'd be like, hey, Opie, I don't want to embarrass you, but just so you know, it's

watermelon, in case anyone gives a shit about it. He's like, I'm going to keep saying water lemon. I was like, yeah, how are you going to tell a black man how to say water? Fuck you. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm joking. God damn it. Oh, what a racially charged intro to this segment it's been. I didn't mean it as a thing

as condoning. I thought maybe it was the white Stop Stop digging yourself a hole you've already reached China My friend I'm kind of with Tom that pumpkins are the whitest To be honest I want Opie to stay though I feel comfortable for the first time in this entire podcast You can plug a mic in for him if you want to hang out

Fuck yeah More black people I like Opie's like, I need a minute before I gotta deal with this bullshit. Like, did he want it to be like, nah?

Yeah, Opie was like, nah, Felicia's my girl, though. I gotta... No, you can go. It's fine. I won't trap you. I'm really trying to get back up.

Okay, it's fine. It's fine. You don't have to come. I'm sure I made it weird. We've gotten into so many fake fights, I can't even tell what the real fights are.

Yeah. Every fight I've had on this podcast is real. Okay, cool. Awesome. Great. So, which of the following, Felicia, is a game They just high-fived it out. We're good. is a game where I'm going to give you

four things within a category this week. It's Amazon Kindle erotic novels. So, these are self-published erotic novels. There's three of them are real. One of them's fake. You've got to pick the fake one. This game comes to us From listener Bob Barker He's at fetuschrist on Twitter

He writes Well my Amazon suggestions Are fucked for a bit Hope you guys enjoy So we're gonna start this round off Which of the following Is in a real Kindle erotic novel A. Sisters Games

Oh no B. No Daddy I'm Not Mommy C. One Bad Motherfucker Or D. Mommy's Good Little Boy Oh god Which one's not not mommy. C. What? One bad motherfucker. Or D. Mommy's good little boy. Oh, God. Which one is not?

Which one is fake? Can you pass me that mic over there? Mommy's good little boy. You said that with such assuredness, like you've read the other three. Yeah, yeah. This is me. What was the, I'm going to, it was like B, I'm going to get inside you, daddy, or something? No, that's the Louis movie.

It's called No Daddy, I'm Not Mommy. God, that is so upsetting. I think that's the most upsetting one. I'm going to go with that one. Keep in mind, the guy who wrote this name is Fetus Christ. He probably has access to some dark, creative worlds. I don't care about fetuses or Christ, but I like him, though. Hell of a billboard. But yeah, I

gotta go with that one, and I think it's one of those, like, it's so extreme that we think there's no way it couldn't be that one. There's no way he couldn't have thought of that by himself. Yeah, I'm with Tom on this. I think it's... Check, check, check, check. I think it's B as well. Should we let Opie guess?

Yeah, Opie can see the answers here. So this will be a non-participation round. Opie, hook me up. Help me out. You call the lifeline? Oh, yeah, you can see. So you got sisters games. No, daddy, I'm not mommy. One bad motherfucker.

Or mommy's good little boy. God damn. I'm going to go... I already know the answer. What are you doing? Mommy's little boy is the funniest one. Yeah. All right, so what are you guys going to say? I said B.

All right. I said B. You said mommy's little... I'm not mommy, no daddy, I'm not mommy? No. She went D, we went B. Okay, the fake one is C One bad motherfucker

Oh yeah That's like some shaft Like pornographic slash fic You know You a bad mother Shut you Open your mouth Tyler Perry presents

Porn for moms This is a really racial Half of the show Yeah This is really Sexual assault Welcome to the racial Half of the show

I was gonna say I was gonna say It took a dark turn, but I didn't know if that was making any sense. God damn it. Yo, Opie, I haven't read the rest of these answers. Do you want to just host the rest of the game for us? Yes, please. I'm cool with that. Yeah, I'll do it. All right.

Oh, hell yeah. I won. Modern Steve Harvey, here we go. Oh, God. Opie just got promoted to Connor. Yeah, Opie's the new Connor. Family race feud here. Family race war.

Let me catch you up. Tom's my blindside son. We're doing a reverse situation. Yo, have I ever told a story about Kyrie Shabazz on the blindside? No. I did a, because he's our buddy, Kyrie Shabazz, funny comic out of Sacramento. I call him Kirby Shazam.

Oh, I think I met this dude. Yeah, you did. I don't think he liked me. Oh,

he liked you. Oh, anyway. He's a nice-ass dude, man. I can imagine. Yeah,

he's a good dude. So anyway, we did this black show in Oakland together. It was Oakland or outside of

something. I'm sorry, what do you mean by black? I was the only white person in the building.

interesting. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Felicia, fucking shut up. He meant poor. There's no such thing as a predominantly black comedy show.

I'm the bad guy here. Anyway, I got off stage. I had a good set. Kyrie was like, man, these black people wanted to adopt you like the reverse blind side so you could not go to college. That's one of the funniest things I've ever said. Alright, Opie. You ready?

Cue us up for round two. So round two, this is Amazon Kindle Erotic Novels. Is it A, Thugs in the Prison Shower? Weird game of Clue. B, The Boys in the Hood are Always Hard. Thugs in the Prison Shower. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Four Twinks. Yo, that's my favorite Motown group the four twinks yeah C Thuggalicious and D

a good time in the hood ooh man what a hood here yeah I did not expect this what's the third one we'll see cause I feel like

if you're into hood shit you don't read romance Thuggalicious Thuggalicious yeah that's just a homie I know Thuggalicious Thuggalicious is no no actually I'm thinking of that's Blackalicious is that the boondocks guy is Thuggalicious Thuggalicious Yeah Okay That's just a homie I know Thuggalicious Thuggalicious is

No no actually I'm thinking That's Blackalicious Is that the boondocks guy? Is Thuggalicious on boondocks Or am I fucking up? That's Thugnificent Yeah Okay yeah yeah yeah

Can I hear A and B again? A is Thugs in the prison shower B is the boys in the hood Are always hard Pause For twinks I think it's B Yeah I think it's B

But I do like the clue thing Thugs in the prison chair with the eggplant emoji. It's still with the lead pipe, so it kind of works. Connor's with B. I'm going B. Keith's also with B.

Felicia? I'm going B. Felicia's with B. I think it's B, but just because everyone else is going B, I'm going A. The answer is B.

Yeah. It is Boys in the Hood are always hard for twinks. But I feel like the only part they wrote was for twinks. I feel like the only part they wrote was for twinks.

I feel like the other part is for sure. Yeah, it's for sure real. All right. All right. Round three. All right. Ooh. Okay.

These are bad. Is it A, probed by a shape-shifting alien? B, putting it to his oozing alien. C, my fiance is an alien. D, claimed by the alien. Some of these are misfit songs. Claimed by the alien. I don't want to be claimed by anyone.

What was B? B is putting it to his oozing alien. What the fuck does that even mean? That one's so grammatically fucked up, I feel like it's got to be real. Who would come up with that nonsense? Okay. one's so grammatically fucked up, I feel like it's got to be real. Yeah. Who would come up with that nonsense? Okay. That's like a poorly translated Japanese Kindle novel.

I'm going to... Yeah. What was A again? A is probed by a shape-shifting alien. I think it's A. I'm going to go A as well. I think A is a little on the nose. Yeah. This is the thing.

I want to go B, but I feel like I can't go B because of Scantrons and how the last answer was B. So this can't be B. So I'm going C. No, D was fucked by a Scantron. Felicia with the high thought. Fucked by a Scantron. Do you guys know this track?

Rhinestone Cowboy. We're doing some white people shit. We got to fight back. You guys got a solid majority there. What? Do you count? Do I that was that was our hey uh that rhinestone cowboy is white people's hey uh i'm gonna be honest with you hey i is white people's hey yeah that's a good point you know that song is about a fucking divorce yeah yeah yeah nobody doesn't know that no a lot of people don't know that. Oh, okay.

Yeah, Tom is the most interesting guy at the party. D! The answer is A, Conor and Keith Lee Wright. What up? Poe by a shapeshifting alien. Yo, I know my horny, lonely white people, guys. Back up. All right, round four.

Taken by the T-Rex. B, ravished by the Triceratops. C. Dominated by dinosaurs. D. Stretched Oh, no! I can't even pronounce it. Triceratops? No, it's a ceropods.

I was a triceratops. Triceropods? The triceratops. Miserapots? The triceratops? The dinosaur? The reason why I got flustered is as I was reading all of them, I remember the answer. I've seen these before.

Where did you see them? There was this hip-hop form back in the day. And then they're like, yo... What black 4chan are you going on? You need to see that there are people who are actually jacked off to dinosaur porn.

And the answer was one of these. There was one time where I was hanging out with a couple friends of mine. One was a girl who I was trying to hook up with

and one was another girl who... Connor, I'll tell you who it is off air because it's somebody you know very well. Nice. And basically,

I'm just waiting for... Say the name. He's going to have to tell me. name. He gonna have to tell me. It rhymes with Shristi. And fucking I'm waiting for this girl to leave. Misty? Shut up. Misty from Pokemon.

I'm waiting for this girl to leave so I can hook up with the other girl. And instead this girl pulls up Weird Dinosaur Erotica and just starts reading it. And I'm like, okay, I'll deal with three minutes of it. It's Jurassic Park specific. It goes on for like 40 pages.

The phrase that I remember simply hearing and knowing I wasn't getting laid that night was when she said the term, Velociraptor love Tabasco. It's like, all right, well, fuck me. You guys didn't hook up? We did like hand stuff afterwards, but the mood was a little ruined. Well, love me. You guys didn't hook up? We did hand stuff afterwards, but the mood was a little ruined.

Well, love finds a way. Man, a lot of fucking contenders for the episode title. Velociraptor Love Tabasco. That's a butthole surfer song, for sure. What was the dinosaur in D? Wait, what? Oh, Dominated by Dinosaurs. That's going to be my guess.

No, no, no, no. D, you could run them one more time real quick. Okay. It is A, Taken by a T-Rex. B, ravished by a Triceratops. Liam Neeson's like, I'm going to get back my fucking egg. That's like child porn in dinosaurs. The guy fucking an egg.

C, dominated by dinosaurs. D, stretched by sauropods. I'm going to say D. You're going to say D? I'm going to say dominated by dinos. You're going to say D? Yeah. I'm going to say dominated by dinos. You're going to say C? Yeah. D.

I want to say taken by a T-Rex. Taken by a T-Rex. The answer is D. Whoa. And I remember that one. I remember the fucking, like, it was just a dude

trying to, like, fuck. A sauropod. Felicia, she's reached the threshold. She's had enough. No, I'm just still really triggered that Opie's not helping me out at all. Being fair, like he ain't shooting me nothing. He's supposed to give you like a coded message.

He's not helping me either. Hey, it was a land before even our time. Yo, Opie, you're on fire, man. Yeah, I should leave. I'm going to leave. Opie's the new Witch of the Falling host. We didn't land in Jurassic Park. Yeah, you know a lot about extracting goo from amber.

It's just cocoa butter. No, if you extract goo from amber, you can clone Kanye and also Wiz Khalifa. Oh, that amber. They don't even extract it from amber. They just get syrup from Aunt Jemima. Wiz Khalifa. Oh, that Amber. They don't even extract her from Amber. They just get syrup from Aunt Jemima. Oh, Christ. You thought Opie was going to level out the racial tension?

All I did was ask about pumpkins. I don't understand what the problem was. Weird that there's three-fifths of us. Oh, boy. Okay. Holy shit. Ladies and gentlemen, I live in this house.

I moved out before that. Okay. Yo, Obi, whatever combination of maca you put in your smoothie today is perfect. I didn't drink any. So that's probably why.

Round five, this one's going to be a little different. It's all real or all fake. Yo, Obi's doing all the hosting shit He's killing it A, I don't know how to say this Schrodinger's butt

Schrodinger's cats are thinking physics Schrodinger's butt? Yeah B, Space Raptor butt invasion C, This American Butt hosted by Ira Ass. Stat one. And D, Pokey Butt Go Pounded by a mall

Pounded by a what? Pounded by a mall Fuck, gotta jerk them off So this is all real or all fake? Bug Catcher Bill wants to battle This American butt This American butt I hope those are all real.

If they're not all real, I'm disappointed in you. Erotic fan fiction novel community. I think they're all fake. I think that ass is too funny. Felicia's going all fake. They're all real. So interested in Schrodinger's butt. Felicia, you can talk into the microphone.

Are you that ashamed of us? What is Schrodinger's butt about? Send me a link, though. Well, it's like your dick's in the butt, but if you look, then the dick won't be in the butt. Is that when they shot a cat to Mars or something? Is that okay, Connor? Oh, that's for sure, yeah. I thought it was just like a white girl's butt.

Enjoy seeing the porn that pops up in my suggested search box. Oh, boy. What came up? There's this image, but it's just like hentai. Never mind. Wait, what? There is a T-Rex on the cover. Of Schrodinger's butt?

Yeah, of Schrodinger's butt. I'll show you. It's this very nerdy looking guy. He has by far the gayest scarf I've ever seen in my entire life. We'll tweet this for the listeners. Yo, Luke Schwartz did some weird shit. Oh my fucking god Before he got into comedy, you guys

Wait, show that to Felicia Yeah, Felicia, I can bend the laptop back so you can see it There it is right there Luke Schwartz right there Holy shit, that's amazing Wow, that rules, dude Well, that was Witch of the Following, everybody That was fun hosting

Yeah, man, nicely done Oh yeah, I'll take it We'll be right back with the... Do we have anything else here? We'll be right back with the Mean Boys mailbag right after this. One more thing. One more thing and then we're out. Come on, baby. Keep going.

You got it. I'm pulling out a lighter. This is why we need cameras. That's true, yeah. I'm a little concerned that there's no smoke detectors in this room. I just didn't realize that. Oh, there's no smoke detectors in this room. I just made me realize, oh, there's no smoke detectors. I think we're fine. Y'all getting any rain up your way?

What? Well, I seen you was from Catamark. What business is it of yours, friendo? Something wrong? With what? With anything. What's the most you've ever lost on a dice roll? Sir?

I said, what's the most you've ever lost on a dice roll? Well, a game of Yahtzee, I suppose. Roll for initiative. Roll for what now? Initiative. Sir? Pick up the D20. That's the D12. Pick up the D20 and roll for initiative.

I don't know what I'm rolling for here You've been rolling for it your whole life and you just didn't know it These dice have forged friendships and destroyed kingdoms and now they're here Well, alright then Eight, what's your dexterity modifier? My dextilation, whoopity what now? Your dexterity modifier Were you gonna get some gas, or... If you can't find it on your character sheet,

you will have to forfeit the bonus in the interest of maintaining an expedient flow of play. Well, I don't have no sheet, so I suppose I'll have to forfeit my points or whatever. Very well. I roll 16. I am first to act. Why'd you get to roll behind a little screen? I am the DM.

I am under no obligation to share my rolls with you. Well, that doesn't seem fair. Life is not fair. You enter a clearing and you see a Death Knight mounted on the back of a skeletal hippogriff. His eyes glowing red. He wields a blade crackling with dark energy. He raises his arm and lets loose a bolt of black fire. I roll to hit.

23 with modifiers included. What's your armor class? I played a little college ball. Rolling for damage. 3d8 plus 6. How many hit points do you have? I got some Marlboro miles. Ugh.

All right. And the Mean Boys podcast is back to close out the show with the Mean Boys mailbag. This one comes to us from Big Meek, one of our long list, most dedicated dudes. He says,

Sup, shit boots. Love your candor. I could use some advice. I'm fairly young and have almost finished my associate's degree. Wow, good for you, dude. An associate's degree? No way. Oh, I did the least amount of college. I finished junior year. Are we shitting on these people? You can. We'll give them advice. I'm shitting

on them a little bit. I also recently got promoted to my job at a rather large corporation to the HR division as a member of the team in charge of hiring and training employees. Imagine a Mean Boys listener in charge of mediating disputes.

That is frightening. And as long as I keep my grades up, I can basically coast all the way to the MBA functionality functionally free from debt.

Here's where the stupid starts. I met a girl. We quickly became friends and after a while we hit it off becoming a couple in a sort of long

distance relationship. However, she revealed to me when we started dating that she is preggers. Over time, things have gotten more serious to the point that we have talked about me moving halfway

across the country and living together. With the subtext being we end up married and live happily ever after, etc. Parentheses, aren't I such a romantic? The thing is, I have notoriously bad luck with dating, to the point where practically every relationship I've been in has ended abruptly. So right now I'm debating saving up a little money and ditching a free degree and a stellar job to restart my life

across the country in hope of finding love. I could just really use some advice. Fuck everything. Why do they call it heat death when the world is so cold? Look, here's the thing. There's no such thing as love. She's going to break your heart. Okay?

Keep the job and then see if they're hiring because I could use some money. All right. Well, Tom's having a dark week. So is Mean Boys. Yeah. It sounds like you're ugly. Damn, okay. Well, because somebody who has confidence would not even consider this.

You're getting a dope job. That really hurts. Yeah. I mean, but what if he really is in love with this person? You can't be. You haven't even like... Yeah, it's long distance. You can, but you can think you're in love with somebody. Yeah You can't be. You haven't even like... Yeah, it's long distance. You can.

But you can think you're in love with somebody. Yeah, it's a dumb thought. It is, but it's real. Here's the thing you gotta remember about love. Best case scenario, you get together,

you live a happy life. Best case scenario is you don't get to watch her die. She gets to watch you die. That's the best that ends. But she's pregnant with another person. Yeah, she already loves

the kid more than you. Yeah, OP. Fuck bitches who got kids by other niggas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. You said 100%. What's wrong with you? Get out of here. I would never raise another man's kid. AA degree would

love to raise her. An African-American degree? No, man. I think if she's really into you, you're really into her. I mean, did he say how long they've been dating? For a little while. Here's what I'll say. Here, it couldn't be that long because she was pregnant, and I don't think she's had the baby yet.

How about you go spend the weekend with her? Yeah, do kind of a long term. And this is what makes me worry about Big Meek. It's like, homie immediately is jumping to like, okay, I'm going to move across the country and fuck up my life. That's why you don't have a lot of confidence. Well, yeah, and it feels like he – yeah, have faith in your life, but go see this girl. Hang out for a weekend. I think you're going to –

I think you don't even see her. This is my thing. I think you should – That might break your heart, true. I kind of feel like this is a bad move. Yeah, I think you should just – like, hey, you're probably a nice person, but right now I'm still trying to figure out myself. Yeah, back burner. Get some more confidence. I'm just trying to figure out myself. Back burner.

Get some more confidence. I'm just not going to raise another N-Words kid. Say the N-Words. I'm so sorry. See how much you really love me? Yeah, excuse you, Connor. Excuse you. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I said the correct version. Look at Tom trying to jump onto Felicia's team here because he feels bad about the pumpkin incident from earlier. No, I just enjoy upsetting Connor. I don't feel bad about that pumpkin incident from earlier. Oh, no. I just enjoy upsetting Connor. I don't feel bad about that. Nothing. I wasn't trying to be upsetting. I thought maybe that was a thing that you could do to white people. All right.

All right. So, Big Meek, what's the verdict here? I think – Here's the thing. Don't leave that job, fam. You're in a good spot. I almost moved across the country for a girl not too long ago, and it would have ended up with me being homeless in Denver. So I say you go ahead.

Huh? Because I'm in L.A. That's a cool sequel to Sleepy Since You Had It. Tom has such a tumultuous life, I forgot that that happened. Homeless in Denver is the real Amazon porn. Oh, I hear you're homeless. It's cold out here, but it's hot in here. All right. Since we were supposed to record this on Keith's cold out here, but it's hot in here. Open his butthole.

Since we were supposed to record this on Keith's birthday, Keith, what is your dream birthday present? You know what? Who's your Keith? Fuck you. Honestly, I was trying to think of something funny. I don't have one. Me and Connor really want tickets to go see The Misfits on December 30th.

Please buy me tickets for that. That is the birthday present I want I keep throwing out hints on every social media we have Hoping one of our dumb rich fans will make it happen We'll go Big Meek, keep your job and buy me tickets You know, December 12th the Pixies are in the preview I don't give half a fuck

But I do Because they're going to play mostly new Pixies So much And also it's not your birthday No, give me Pixies tickets for Keith's birthday Get fucked You guys, we've got to stop talking about this white people shit It's rude to our guests If me Pixies tickets For Keith's birthday Get fucked You guys we gotta stop Talking about this

White people shit It's rude to our guests If you were playing Dungeons and Dragons What class slash race Would you all play And how quickly Would Tom ruin it

With shenanigans Before it started probably Probably You'd probably like Eat one of the dice Because you thought It was a gummy wear What's a gummy wear

Cotter No please I've never heard Of these gummy wears I'm tired from making Fun of you so well The whole episode They sound delicious Please've never heard of these gummy bears. I'm tired from making fun of you so well the whole episode. They sound delicious.

Please tell me more of these gummy bears you speak of. The glee on Tom's face when he's like, Cotter finally said something wrong. You know what?

The issue is I don't have time to give you shit about everything you say. You still haven't told me about the gummy bears, Cotter. Please tell me.

Hang on. I got it. They're fat guys with brain damage that turn into gummy bears when there's a full moon or whatever. God damn it, you cocksucker.

That's exactly what I was going to do. Guys, to be honest, I was going to do that bit, so I'm actually the most upset that you guys were talking so much over my riff of the gummy wear. This is riveting. Gummy wear is the joke now. Can we do

Mexican standoff one more time so he can see me really destroy? I've been really killing it. Oh, God. Oh, God. No, she wasn't. Less than anyone has ever done anything. Guys, I'm crushing this whole podcast.

I've seen a girl on heroin give a more coherent fast food order to a lot of these jokes. I tried it at a Jack in the Box drive-thru one time. I don't remember it, though. No, the best moment is when Tom and I were on the road, and Tom was depressed, and he's like, we need biscuits. And I was like, okay. And I was like, yeah, and then we go to McDonald's, and he's just like, Tom is so nice to people in the service industry.

He's just like, hi, can I have four biscuits, please? Do you want anything else? No, thank you. Just the biscuits. No, so many people are so mean to them. No, I am, too. I to them. I try to be polite. I actually snapped on one recently because they asked me, I got a shake.

They're like, all right, do you want a mini, small, or large? I was like, I'll do a large. Actually, I'll do a medium. And the guy just goes, mini, small, or large. I go, I want the one in the middle. I had a fucking crazy Postmates delivery. This dude wanted insulin needles and gummy bears. Which seems counterintuitive.

Yeah, and then I was like, they're out of insulin needles. Do you still want the gummy bears? And I called him. He's like, that kind of defeats the point, doesn't it? And I was like, well, fair enough. All right, so they're completely disregarding the Dungeons and Dragons thing. I'd probably be a human paladin There you go

Three famous people Living or dead One night to get so drunk You can't even spell Your own face Who do you take Who do you guys Want to get trashed with

You get three people Living or dead That I get to like Just get fucked up with Yeah Yeah Oh You gotta

You pick Pharrell Nah I wouldn't want to I want to be sober When I meet him I get that Oh that's good Yeah I probably I wouldn't want to. I want to be sober when I meet him. I get that. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I probably.

I don't like drinking, so this is tough. Is it fucked up? Yeah, it's fucked up. Oh, okay. I think I would want to kind of do heroin with Charlie Parker. Oh, fuck. Nice. And then I'd want to drink and smoke weed with Prince.

And my last person. Probably do mushrooms with my dad because he's dead. He's like, yo, you alive, nigga? What's going on? Your dad is dead? Yeah. Since when? Felicia. 2011? What? I'm sorry.

Let's really talk about this. Guys, stop. Let's really get into it. I was wondering why we hadn't had him on the show. I was... My dad was like, you guys are some very evil men. Tell him the advice your dad gave you earlier. That was fucking really smart. When he came through the clouds and told him to go back to Friday Rock.

Like my dad, every time I would be watching football, he'd be like, why are you watching football? They have their millions. You should go make your own. And I'd be like, dad, I'm like 12. When I heard that, it made me want a black dad. I'm like, man, that's some cool advice. Oh, yeah, my dad was great. My dad was great.

I want to do creatine with Linda Anzac. I was legit trying to be funny. I didn't mean to get too real. No, we're allowed to talk about real stuff I'm sorry about Felicia our guest She should have been more polite I'm triggered Who do you want to get crunk with though girl

I don't really What was that chick that died that you were all Dee Barnes or whatever Della Reese You didn't explain to me who Della Reese is You told me to make a topical joke And she just died today I didn't know Della Reese. You didn't explain to me who Della Reese is. You told me to make a topical joke, and she just died today. So I made the joke. I didn't know Della Reese died today.

Who's Della Reese? Oh, shit. Yeah, man. Della Reese is Hopi's dad. My name is Della. I said no jokes about her. I said no jokes. I know, and I said I'm going to do it anyway.

I said no. That's exactly what happened. How about you, Tom? I feel like you got some good answers for this one. Oh, man. I've got mine. I'm torn with two different directions. Barbie wants to go.

Tom waits. Sid Barrett and Bukowski. What an incoherent conversation that's going to be. Oh, no. It'll just end with all four of us shooting ourselves. But, yeah, I'm just going to go with that. It's not very funny, but it would be fun. That would be fun.

And you had to, Keith? Yeah, I get drunk with Bukowski, I do Blow with Bowie, and oh, fuck, I had the other one and I lost it. Oh, I'm going to do fucking Acid with Hunter Thompson. Or Viagra with Natalie Portman. What an answer. Can I take the dad one away and do that?

I want to do that Martin Shkreli drug with Naomi Russell. I'm going to do Viagra, but still with Bukowski. And I do coke with Joe Strummer. You got Della Reese? No, I did not have Della Reese. You didn't say anything, so I tried to rip an answer for you. You just stared at us and looked at us like we were pieces of shit for ten minutes. Yeah, you're not wrong.

You know what, Dallery? She was the black lady from Touched by an Angel. Didn't see Touched by an Angel. Is that that pedophile show? No. I saw Diana Ross was training last night, and I got scared as shit. Hey. God damn it.

Opie, you look especially like Ryuk from Death Note with the hair. I'll have to find a recent picture of Opie for the Twitter for that to make sense. That's so fucking funny. All right, guys. Let's get one more because we've got so many questions. We're fucking tired. We'll save some of these for next week. So if you ask a question, we'll get you in soon.

Who should I talk to when I find myself saying, yeah, Tom is right about this or what? Not me. Yeah. Who should he talk to if Tom starts to make sense? Here's the thing. Sometimes I'm just riffy-niffy, and then sometimes I'm making points within the chaos. So maybe you're just making the chaos points. You realize a dude who just said riffy-niffy is a dude you're like, yeah, he's right. Yeah, if riffy-niffy made sense to you, just walk into the action.

Riffy-niffy! Oh, yeah, this guy has two quick questions. Yeah, if riffy niffy made sense to you, just walk into the ocean. Riffy niffy! Ruff-ee! Oh, yeah, this guy has two quick questions. What's the song that plays during Bill Nye and the Fudge Lord? That's The Fall from the Tron soundtrack. Yes. Will we ever get a return of Rhubarb Ronnie? Maybe.

I don't know. Rhubarb Ronnie. Not a person. Yeah, it's Rhubarb Rudy. Yeah. Get your mythological creatures correct, sir. Oh, and finally, because this will be fun, and I'm sorry this took so long to get to this email. JabbaTheSlut69 at Gmail asks,

RE basic bitch magic. Hey, Mean Boys, my friend recommended you to me, and now I'm a committed fan. P.S. I also have a favor to ask. Could each of you tell me where you were born, when, and at what time? I'm going to make natal charts for each of you. White girl magic bullshit. Humor me. God is dead, but worship the booty.

Job of the slut. Okay, I'm not going to tell her. That's fine. I think this is Mean Boys for sure. I like that she called it white girl magic. I appreciate not going to tell her. That's fine. I think this is I like that she called it white girl magic. I appreciate her knowledge of what she does.

That's why I was turned off the most. That's really when I was like, oh, no, I'm joking. I don't really care. So what does she need? I'm just picturing like Gandalf and like Solomon fighting

with white girl magic and black girl magic. Or one of them just has like their Taurus. Oh, funniest shit ever. Shia LaBeouf is the porn star that just died.

Her Twitter account is set up to automatically tweet out her horoscope every day so her dead twitter account keeps tweeting out horoscopes oh shit yeah that's pretty weird what did the one that say when she died oh it was uh i don't remember ironically enough uh april 12th and 93 upland california two in the morning uh november 19, 1988, Seattle, Washington, 1130 p.m. So Visalia, California, April 9th, 1993. Yeah, a dumpster, the moon, a time long forgotten. No, it was in a hospital. Forever.

Wait, you talked over it. Say it again. April 9th, 1993, Visalia, California, in a hospital. Don't know what time. My memory's pretty hazy from that point. Nice. She's going to get y'all a crystal? That's the Mean Boys podcast, everybody.

Does anyone have anything to plug? Yeah, Felicia, where can they find you online? You were fucking great today. Felicia, we loved you. With all the turbulence. She's great on stage too Felicia's hilarious we wanted to have her on for a while

if you loved Mexican show off no Mexican show off is Chris Estrada with the pomade the show I love Chris yeah he's been on the show he's been on the show

I thought we were going to have to fight almost we like him 60 episodes more than we like you I like that I like that I respect that I dress up for him

it's Halloween oh what are we doing? Oh, internet. Yeah, one job. Plug your shit, Felicia. Okay, wait. What shit? I don't know.

The shit you want people to know. Your Twitter. Let me break this down for you. I'm so sorry. Where can they follow you online? Are there any shows coming up you'd like to see some of our listeners at? Do you have an Etsy shop or something? I don't fucking know what you do.

Okay. Okay, Connie. Okay. Get them, Felicia. What's the internet ones? I don't fucking know what you do. Okay, Con. Get them, Felicia. What's the internet ones? Twitter. You don't know your Twitter handle? Yeah. Keith.

We good? Are we good, Felicia? No, we're good. We're good. No, me and Opie fighting the most, actually. Because he didn't feed you the... He didn't use his Aquaman... to give you this game with no stakes.

I can just speak to Black Woman Telepath. Mel Gibson would. That'd be amazing. Just let them think that. What women weave? Joaquaman. All right well felicia thanks for those plugs oh no wait let me plug them okay here we go let's start over let's start what kind of you do a hair plug i'm so upset by that i can just finish my stuff i'm really I've done too many already.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. I haven't been around. Shut up. You're the one who started the whole pumpkin fight. That was about white people. Oh my god.

Felicia, you gotta do this. I'm sorry. At Felfa Tall, and then I'm headlining Chatterbox on the 10th of December. Yes. That's a great show. Go see Felicia in West Covina. Yeah. I am going to be at the Madhouse Comedy Club the weekend.

This drops the 24th and 25th. Also, you can see me headlining the Rec Room Comedy Club in Huntington Beach December 12th at 8 o'clock. And at the Ventura Hire Comedy Club Club, the 22nd and 23rd. Guys, come out. I'll hang out with you. Oh, and some people asked me when we were coming back to Slow. Kreuzberg Cafe and Slow on December 8th.

I think some of the Mean Boys might be rolling with me. We'll figure it out. I'll have somebody, you know, probably from the show going up there. So come say hi. Nice. The night this drops, November 21st, I will be at the Historical Roast at Meltdown Comics Playing Hitler, because of course I will November 30th, live Mean Boys podcast At the Good Night in North Hollywood

Please come to that, it's going to be super dope December 12th, I am doing the roast battle Against Nicole Buchanan Who you heard on our live show recently She's great Follow me on all the social media At Keith TellellsJokes. Opie, you got anything?

We had a fan come see Opie at Go Bananas. He just drove out to say hi. And he was very polite. He didn't talk to Opie afterwards. He just left. I think I know who it was. He just stared at me for like way too long. You're insensitive. I'm going to be at the University of Michigan

Technical University on December the 2nd I think it's open to the public if not just come anyway I don't give a fuck and that's what hope he lost all his college kids I'm also going to be at the rec room tomorrow so if you want to come out to that

Nicole's also on that show oh yeah come out and see Nicole and I will also be at the Mad Oh yeah, come out and see Nicole. Yeah, the Night That Drops. I will also be at the Madhouse on January 26th and 27th. Nice. December 1st, I will be at the Comedy Palace. If you guys missed my show I had lined in

Riverside, someone charged the stage because he was mad at my blowjob stance. You're missing out. Come out and see me. Also on Goss Goss6 online, which is Instagram and not Facebook. What's it? Twitter. And, yeah.

All right, guys. Mazel tov, everybody. We got to go crystal shopping. Let's sign off. Let's sign off. Fuck everything. Bye, Felicia. I didn't say fuck Felicia.

Thank you. We said bye, Felicia. Yeah, it was a good day. Don't get someone else a check off my name.