Mean Boys - EP 93 - Negative Caveman (feat. Mo Mandel)

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Mark Malloy”, “You Be The Judge”, "Twisted Nerve", and a game of "Which of the Following" with Jezebel articles by Cali Velazquez. Listen to Mo's podcast "Mo VS The World": https://soundcloud.com/mo-mandel Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Mo Mandel on Twitter: twitter.com/momandel Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, everybody. Snark Week begins. Dun-nuh. Dun-nuh. Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh. Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh. Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh. Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh. It is Tom!

Hello, guys! Hi, I'm the shark. I am Jaws Man. Yeah, this is our big publicity stunt for relevance. Improvise a shark-themed introduction. Yeah, and it's not going to get better from here. Oh, boy, we are swimming uphill. Listen, guys, I'm tired of having the number one podcast at the bottom.

I want to have the worst podcast to the middle, okay? That's why we're doing this. Yeah, we want to give you guys a whole shitload of content. So we're getting fucking seven episodes, seven days, a lot of great guests coming in. And let's just go over, if you're a new listener, some of the greatest hits of things this podcast has actually done. Yeah.

Tried to buy panties from someone who lived miles away from a terror attack and then was scammed. Tried to buy a kidney from a guy in Iran. Ongoing. Oh, as a guy in Iran, from a guy in America. Yeah. A guy got a tattoo of our catchphrase. Oh, yeah. That Keith thought of in in America. Yeah. A guy got a tattoo of our catchphrase. Oh, yeah. That Keith thought of in a basement.

Yeah. Someone had an abortion from a carnival ride and then called us to tell about us. Tell us about it and wrote a joke about it. A guy's grandpa was a rapist and he asked us for advice. A child rapist. Yeah. He was a dentist. The worst kind.

A guy went to jail and as his last act of freedom left us a voicemail. And perhaps most disgusting of all, we traveled hours to do a live podcast at a Denny's restaurant in Fresno, California. The number of things we've done that I thought would put us on the map. Yeah. And none of them, even a little bit. Not even, have even moved the needle slightly. You know what know what'll fix this more of it more of it yeah so you know what if you haven't left the show on itunes review if you haven't told one of your two to three friends about it this is the week we're at like 143 reviews now let's just get to 200 this week let's just

blow everybody's dicks off yeah okay guys this is gonna be the uh the big the big one if you like this show think about how much funnier it would be if we had the financial capital to really indulge some of these terrible ideas. One day we will. Our guest today, a very funny comic, Mo Mandel. Yeah, Mo's great. He's kind of the Pokemon I evolve into. Yeah, he is. He's affable and

relatively forgettable. No. He's actually very, very funny. It's a real fun episode. Where can you follow him on the He's on at Mo Mandel on everything. You can also listen to his podcast, Movers of the World. There will be a link to that in the show notes. And the show, of course, is as always brought to you. Who could fund these evil deeds but a man so wicked, so notorious, so delicious.

It's Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Hang on, guys. Are you telling me you could buy and eat burritos and fund evil at the same time? Yeah. What a deal. Wow. What a deal. Wow. What a country. Yakov Smir-Tom.

In Soviet Russia, I am still confused. In Soviet Russia, I am bear and president. Oh, man. Yakov Smir-Tom needs to be a new character. I balance an inflatable ball and now I control military.

Who the thunk? Weird constitutional loophole. Go to eataburrito.com for more information. Have them cater your event. Have them fucking cater your life. Go there every day. If I lived in the 50 mile radius, I would live in Don Carlos Taco Shop. Yeah, I genuinely love their burritos. That's burrito I've ever had. Absolutely

fantastic. We're brought to you also, as always, by Sudio Headphones. Are you telling me we can have high def audio and fund evil at the same time? That's right. What a country! Until Beats... You had one job!

Say, what a country! What a country! You stupid asshole! Soviet Sweden, so beautiful! Now listen, until Beats by Dre gets into cahoots with ISIS, this is the only way to do that. Sudioswedan.com is where you go. We're in the regions. Everyone has them.

We all got a pair of cans. I love them. Studiosweden.com is where you go. We're wearing the Regents. Everyone has them. We all got a pair of cans. I love them. I really do. Tom is 25% more annoying when you have these headphones on. It's incredible. The crystal clear audio, the battery life is outstanding. Yeah, these things last forever. You can listen to them with the cord. You can listen to them live. No.

Bluetooth. The tooth of blue in your ears. The tooth of blue is a World of Warcraft item. Yeah, and use code MEANBOYS15. You guys have actually been buying a lot of these, so I'm glad you guys are digging them. If you've got some, tweet us a pic. They're fucking, yeah, they're just fantastic.

I don't know if they advertise them, but they noise cancel like a motherfucker when I go to the gym. They really do, yeah. I can't even hear everyone else being so much stronger than me. Yeah, better than a lot of, like, ear things that advertise their noise cancellation ability. You heard it here, folks. Better than a lot of ear things. Ear infections, earworms, ear wax.

Mr. Ear? Mr. Ear is a bad guy. Everything is better than Mr. Ear. Yeah. Hey, this is Mr. Ear. Mr. Ear is a bad guy. Everything is better than Mr. Ear. Yeah. Hey, this is Mr. Ear here. And I just want to say, I love audio from studio headphones. Suck a bag of dicks, Mr. Ear. But do buy studio headphones.

No, what are we doing next year, guys? I feel like we're doing something. What are we doing next year? Do we have some kind of big plan? It's almost like we're going somewhere. To Don Carlos. No. No.

Probably. No, we are. I'm going there on fucking Wednesday. I'm jealous. I'm going to show it to San Diego. But we're going on tour. Yay! Wow, how great was that?

I queued us up for that. We fucked it up royally. Yeah, well, I kept waiting for one of you to jump on it. You didn't. But yeah, we're going on tour. We are going all across this big, dumb country of ours. And we want to know where you want us to do Mean Boys shows. Go on our Twitter.

Is it Starpin Tweet? It's in the bio. So you can just click on that link after the tour, and then the colon. There's a tour, and there's a butthole, and then you'll click the link.

Yeah, click that colon. Click that butt. Get up in that stinky American anus. Tell us the nearest major city you'd come out to see us in. The shows have been fucking great. We got a live show from the Good Night drop-in on Thursday,

and I think that was the first time. It was kind of an emotional moment where I just performed in a room full of, I guess, my fans or whatever that were on board with what we do. And it was so fun. Can we give a quick shout-out to all the people who came out to that show?

Absolutely. Yeah, 100%. It was a blast. It was one of the most fun times we've ever had on stage. It was great. It was awesome. The Tom Goss Lightning Round video is actually up on the YouTube and the Facebook right now.

So go watch that for a little sneak preview. Oh, it's on YouTube? It is, yeah. Has it got any hits on YouTube? I haven't looked, but... So Mean Boys, give us... We've got at least three people who know how to YouTube in our fan base. I expect at least three more hits.

Yeah, all the shows are on YouTube now, too. So if you want to listen to podcasts on YouTube, you can do that. Subscribe. We'll be doing video shit at some point. Yeah, we have some plans. But yeah, fill out the tour sheet. If you haven't already, go to patreon.com slash meanboys. Help your boys out. We work very, very hard on this show.

We like doing it a lot. And we're knocking on the door of the second goal, which will give you guys two extra episodes a month. Yeah. Which, you know, if you've got more time to kill, more life to have to unfortunately live, who better to keep you company than the old meanboys? Bonus content every single week for a scant $5. Yeah. How much would you love to just have more

time to distract you from the rest of your life? Because that's what we give to you. That is the service I provide. I was thinking about this. Your friends and family suck. And we rule. I don't make car batteries or anything, but I kill time. And I gotta figure that's a pretty valuable fucking service these days. You're the harvester of empty hours.

That's what made me the LeBron James of the psych ward, is my ability to kill time. And also this month we got it's all just carbon and bullshit beer koozies. One of our favorite

Tom guys drinking quotes. Indeed. So for 10 bucks get yourself one of those. 25 bucks gets you a gigantic box at this point of all the previous rewards.

Yeah. Plus a spray painted t-shirt. We've also got the t-shirt up this month is the Mean Boys Wu-Tang logo. Yeah with the upside down M that says the Mean Boys in the middle. Yeah. That was with the upside-down M that says Mean Boys in the middle.

That was a good design for me because it only took me like 20 minutes. Yeah, Connor's ideas are always, what's really fast and really recognizable? Yeah. Mean Boys ain't nothing to fuck with. That's exactly true. Said the words of the Reverend King. Okay, I think we should cut off Tom before that gets more racist. That wasn't racist.

I think that, shut up, shut up, shut up. It can't be more racist than what's going to happen later in this episode. Thanks, Mo. Yeah. So I think that's it. More fun announcements. Oh. One more thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. It is set up. We are doing a Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool. Now, there is a very... You want to do... For anybody who doesn't know, explain what this is.

It's like fantasy football for celebrities dying. Basically. It's a Doug Stanhope branded thing. My very favorite comedian, Doug Stanhope, has a website devoted to... I'm right here, Tom. ...based off of... Can you pick what celebrities are going to die

between January 15th and December 31st? And basically, you get to pick 20 people. Okay. The points is their age, and that's subtracted by 100. Or 100 is subtracted by their age. Yeah. And there's a bunch of other fun bonus rules and stuff, and you can get all that info. Doug Sandrup's Celebrity Death Pool is the name of the website.

But if you want to play in the Mean Boys Funeral Home, which is – Which is in tribute of a fallen character. It's called Edgar Mortaro's Infant Crematorium. Yes. That is the name. We'll have a link for that in the show notes if you want to join. I'm TylerDawson666. I'll be playing along.

Olivia Grace is in there, I think. I'll be jumping in momentarily. Yeah. Yep, yep. But it's going to be a whole big fun thing. It's a $10 buy-in, and the money goes to the winner. And if there's enough people, the runner-ups. So email me at TomGossComedy at gmail.com if you're interested in playing,

and I'll tell you how to sign up for our funeral home. And, yeah, so it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a fun way for us. Yeah, we're real excited about this. We're excited to play against some fans. Yeah, I do think that'll add an extra level of, again, just killing time, guys. The nukes are coming. We got to enjoy ourselves.

And my dream is that the Mean Boys Funeral Home, we have the most cumulative points out of all the funeral homes. And the Mean Boys get to make up a rule for the next year. So that is my goal. We can do it. Be a part of the dream. All right. Yeah. Some people want to lose weight or get healthy

or have a child. Or have a podcast people listen to. Not me. I want us to be the rulers of celebrity capital. Or be able to actually pay for our own utilities. So yeah,

that's my little announcement. TomGossCompany at gmail.com if you want more info and if you want to sign up. Absolutely. We're doing six more shows, guys. Show number one was already pretty all over the place. Yeah, it is going to be setting to madness.

So enjoy this week's episode with Mo Mandel, and we will the Mean Boys podcast. Working out is just actively denying the inevitability of death. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm Mo Mandel. And I'm... Having a real hard time pronouncing inevitability. Oh, I sure...

I had another one ready, but my God. I've never seen somebody use all the muscles in their body to pronounce one word and still fail. It was inevitable that I'd fuck that up. Today's word, Mean Boys, inevitable. Watching Tom try to pronounce mundane words correctly.

Watching your grandma try to auto-correct and not say colored at Thanksgiving. He's just sweating and he's like, ah, shit. Mo Mandel joins us. Yeah, thanks for having me, guys. It's nice to be in your bunker of creativity. That's the most positive spin

we've ever heard. It's like, because I'm a few years older than you guys and it's coming in here, it's like a gross place to live, but it makes me feel sad for the days when I used to live in a place like this. Yeah, with other artists. It's weird. At the time, I was like, this sucks. I wish I didn't live with another guy's underwear fucking on my floor at all times.

And now I'm sort of like, shit, I'm fucking – We only moved here so we could be nostalgic about it in the future. This is an investment in memories. I used to live in a place in San francisco that was equally shitty just like this i was a comic trying to start another guy was like a way uh waiter guitar player i think i was a jazz musician what i became a i mean i'm whatever i'm still doing comedy one guy became a quick guitar became a lawyer and one guy died of cancer at a very early age. So look around this table, guys. Which one of you is going to be the one who dies?

Who's going to give up and who's going to still be a comedian living in an apartment? Dark Horse, me, cancer, Tom Lawyer. As someone who already had to move out for health reasons, I think I've niched that playoff spot. I'll tell you, there's nothing scarier than finding out a guy used to live

in a shitty apartment died of an early cancer you're like fuck i was around all that same whatever the fuck it was yeah mo would you believe there's mold in the basement and tom started coughing up blood for no reason yeah shocking in this house let's hope this airs before i die yes well as you know we brought mo in to uh to make fun of him of him for rejecting all of our comedy knockout writing packets. Wait, did you guys actually submit packets? I think we did, yeah. They must have been horrible because they never even made it to me. Jesus.

I'm not going to lie to you. Yes, it was terrible. I'm so sorry. You want to see a bunch of recycled jokes from this show. That's so funny because they filter them out and then they send up the top whatever ones. So fuck, guys. Keep working on it. I got that packet, and I'm like, I can't wait to work half as hard as I did on the At Midnight one.

Yeah. Well, of course. And why would you not? Exactly. Now I feel kind of shitty. I wonder if there's other comics walking around pissed like I didn't like their packets. No, I could not give less of a fuck. I just remember that, and I thought it would be a fun point of contention to raise.

You wouldn't believe how many guys hit me up, and they're like, dude, I'm fucking loving the show. I want to be on it. And I'm like, dude, I have such a tiny say on it. Yeah, yeah. If I had more say, I would be on it more often. I think your bio at one point, which I thought was funny, was creator of and two-time loser of comedy. At this point, it's the number of losses has gone up. The number of wins stayed the same.

Zero. Hell yeah, dude. Well, you know what? I would love for you guys to be on Into Right. You guys are both awesome writers. I don't actually know about your writing. I haven't seen you. Oh, goody.

But I'd say. Because I bring my weakest segments first. I will say, if it was a pronunciation packet, you would be right at. I know Connor and Keith are super funny writers I've seen them in Rose Battle and stuff But based on the fact that you're not on the advertisements For the show you're on I'm going to assume you're horrible

And your mom owns this house She doesn't own this house I'm just going to do the deductive reasoning You're sitting beneath the poster for your show That you're not in the poster And they're making you sit right beneath the poster this is not this is not the outlet i wanted to have this conversation we also make him clean the poster we do yeah i've been i've been holding off saying anything i was like oh maybe maybe they'll invite me to be on like we did yeah it just seems so the funniest

one was the the last the last live mean boys i wasn't even on the flyer, the one that happened Thursday. In my defense, I did run out of space. But I got to say, I don't want to shit start on your podcast, but I feel like you're all jockeying for position because I was just looking at Connor's Twitter, and it says host of the Mean Boys podcast. It seems like there should be a co-host or even a triple co-host. We're all the hosts.

We're equal hosts. I didn't know about it. Yeah, Tom doesn't even all the hosts. Or Mindus is from. We're equal hosts. Mindus says I don't get it. Yeah, Tom doesn't even have the ad handle for this podcast in there. I should add that. Tom is blocked from commenting on the meme. We just recently let him start using it, and we're all very worried about what it's going to mean for the brand. We do still make him use the bathroom outside.

All right, Tom. Be a dear. Go get us some coffees. The funny people are going to tell some jokes real quick. Let's use the bathroom outside. All right, Tom. Be a dear. Go get us some coffees. The funny people are going to tell some jokes real quick. Let's do the Mexican joke. Okay. That was fun. I didn't expect Mo to come in here and just drop a fucking soap opera level drama.

I've been sitting in my apartment all weekend angry, so I figured I would just share my anger with you. I love it. Just to infect you. You have to come to a crack house and do homework to be on a podcast. Based on what this house looks like, I'm coming out of here with hepatitis, so I'm at least going to have some fun one. I'll take us away. These are all pretty fucking bad, guys.

Nearly 300 pounds of contraband bologna was seized at the Mexican border this week. Upon discovery, Keith Carey insisted he was just trying to buy some cheap cigarettes and fireworks. Ah, there it is. A lot of times you compare me to just loose meat in the news. I know, and I felt bad for that. We did the whole live show.

Zero Keith is fat. Zero Keith is Keith's mom jokes. It's been too long. Loose meat's coming back. Cool. Leaked work orders show that the White House is currently infested with mice. Although, to be fair, that's just what lizard people eat. Matt Lauer got fired for sexually inappropriate acts,

or as they're known to men, if they're being honest, eh. Oh, fuck. Known to men in group chats is, I get it. Eh. A Wednesday. I know.

Yeah, dude, if anyone screen caps any of the group chats going on right now about the Louis thing or anything else, there will be a whole wide open field of male roles in comedy to be filmed. I just love hearing the different Louis conversations between comedians when women are around and when women are not around. Oh, my gosh. They're very different conversations. There's a lot less of, well, I once, you know. Like, admissions.

Anytime I hear the word, like, patriarchy at the comedy store, I'm like, all right, there's a girl hiding behind the stairs. So I'm wondering where these dudes are fronting. Yeah, I saw I Love You Daddy last night. I got a secret copy. And never has there been more hubris in a film ever. It's just, it's all, I don't know. I don't want to spoil it or whatever. I haven't seen it,

but it sounds like the serial killer writes the letter to the paper daring them to catch him. It really is. It's some Zodiac shit. It's like a cat and mouse game

of jerking off in front of people. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of which, celebrities Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein, James Toback, Josh Besh,

and many others are facing sexual assault allegations, meaning now I have to learn who all of those celebrities are. You genuinely did not know who Matt Lauer was. No, I didn't. None of those people have any idea.

I didn't know he made $20 million a year. I didn't know he was that famous. I didn't know he was a person. Matt Lauer made $20 million a year? Dude, he was making $20 million a year, and they would fly him down a helicopter from the Hamptons for his job during the summer. What? That apparently is NBC, the whole reason they're on the air.

Comedy Knockout, you don't even get an Uber.ber comedy knockout i have to drive the other comics in an uber just to cover my fucking airfare i will call it right here because i'm so close to you it'll ping me you know and then we can we can double up on the right do you think matt lauer was already a creep and then just got successful or do you think he made 20 million years he is a creep i haven't heard him say one thing that he's done that has made me like what is the worst thing he's done? He had a button under his desk that locked his

doors. That was apparently just there for security reasons. But I think he just did like bend the lady over and just like dry anal rape her. Yeah, and he like gave that one gal like a dildo and like a note that said like here's what I'm going to do to you with the dildo. Like a co-worker. Hey a guy who's given literally... Hey, left a handwritten note.

What the fuck? How much is expected of a man these days? A lot of people... Look, how many times have you heard, a card is worth more than... You know what I mean? Like he took the time to write a note. Well, I don't know if you read. He did actually write it using clipped out letters from magazines.

So I feel like that was a little bit... I'm just lucky if i get anything over like a text at this point i barely know her that was what i was expecting that joke to turn into tom i don't i didn't yeah i got nothing all right a story from my hometown i was very excited to see this ontario california pd are searching for-year-old who abused a kitten on social media. Police say their number one suspect is Connor McSpadden because of his long history of beating the pussy up. That's not even a joke. It really isn't. That's a long way to go for a compliment to yourself.

Well, that's what I'm known for in Ontario. I've talked to almost every woman you've ever fucked. Beating the pussy up is a generous assessment. That white rapper side of you came out right there. I know. Well, I'm bummed because he's knocked me down to the 12th most famous person from Ontario, California. Because that has like 80,000 retweets. Who's the most famous Ontario person?

I don't know. Probably some rapper. A hit boy. He did a Paris that watched the Throne song that I can't say the first part of. So it's probably him. And then the second famous is Little Joker, who's really famous in the San Quentin Penitentiary. Most guys stabbed.

Right under Little Joker, regular-sized Joker. Regular-sized Joker. They have the thing up in the rafters like when you go to the championships in high school. That jersey with screwdriver holes in it. All right. True Leaf International has begun manufacturing cannabis-infused dog treats. When criticized, the company's CEO remarked, there's nothing in the rule book that says a dog can't get way into Pink Floyd and fuck up their whole life.

I actually liked it. Yeah, that's not a good sign. It's better than mine. I got to reference my joke by saying I am aware of the irony that my show's on TruTV before I tell this. But Prince Harry announces engagement to actress Meghan Markle from the show Suits on the USA Network, marking the first time in history that anyone has given a fuck about the USA Network. I'm aware it's a much bigger network than TruTV. I just want to let people know.

I'm aware of that. Yeah, my family was big fans of the USA originally. We were all monk and psych heads. Really? Yeah, that's like some good 40-year-old suburbs watching. Monk is like lawyer house, right? No. No, not at all.

It isn't. Yeah, wrong in every direction. Well, I mean, first of all, he's not a lawyer. But I see what you mean. He's like a fucking, like, there was a long string of TV shows where, like, the main character basically has autism. I would watch Downsy Detective. You're confusing that with this podcast.

Yeah, weird that Monk isn't on any of the promotional materials for the show. Monk was a guy with OCD. He was a detective who had OCD, so he checked things super carefully. He was just good at being a detective who had OCD, so he checked things super carefully. Oh. He was just good at being a detective. And then there would always be a moment in every episode where he'd be foiled in the big chase scene catching the perp when he thought he left his stove on or something. It was like that, really. Yeah, you got your...

I'll jiggle it, Tom. All right. Three Colorado Mastiffs escaped their owner and were found in a storm drain. Police are just happy they found the culprit killing children and releasing red balloons. So the dog is the clown? Yes. You're mixing your metaphors here, Tom. That was a joke.

Oh, man, you might have to try to get a writing job at the USA Network. A Texas state representative used public money to settle a sexual harassment case this week. In a related story, the Mean Boys will be using this month's Patreon money to bribe sexual harassment case this week. In a related story, the Mean Boys will be using this month's Patreon money to bribe the water and power guy. Yeah, we've been locking the gate because we don't pay utilities in this house,

believe it or not. So, yeah, at one point, Keith is smoking a cigarette on the patio, and I look up and see a van and say, cheese it, it's water and power. And we had to run inside and put the house on lockdown and, like, peer out the blinds. How do you guys have the power on? They can't get in to shut it off.

We're currently in a stalemate. I used to live in an apartment when I first moved to LA that there was an empty building next door and we would steal water by hooking a hose up. Holy shit. This is some real 80s summer camp type shit. The guy who,

I was like subleasing from a guy who owned or whatever, rented the whole house, but he claimed the guy next door was also the owner of this house and was aware of it but i don't think that was the case i think he just yeah i don't think he had anything to do with the entire apartment he also told me he looked kind of high when i was uh you know doing the craigslist like asking about the place and i go i don't want to be around people who do any drugs or any drugs he was like no then it turned out he was a not only was he smoking weed he dealt cocaine out of the house like why would you fucking like i'm not gonna notice like like 50 sketchy dudes coming in with like backpacks every day no that was the best comedy condo situation of all time me and my girlfriend uh go get into the comedy condo and

then we're in there for like five minutes set our stuff down and then a dude walks in and sells like 500 worth of weed to a guy and then hangs out and watches skateboard videos for an hour. I feel like people who definitely do drugs are the weirdest. Like, no drugs. Like, I lived with a dude in Anaheim off Craigslist, and he was like very insistent. Like, you don't do meth. You don't do meth. I'm like, no, look at me.

I don't do meth. And then within a week of living there, I watched him smoke meth out of a four-load. Oh, he just didn't want you to steal his meth. Yeah, I think that's what he was worried about. I'm like, yeah, no, I'm good, man. I was still always food and pornography. Yeah, that's why Keith had to move in with a bunch of skinny people. That's such an

intensely weird question to be like, so just to check, you don't do meth, right? Yeah, and it was in the Craigslist ad. That's a very specifically hardcore Yeah, what if I had said yes? I was like, I dabble. He'd try to sell you some. Yeah, that's a good point, actually. Whose turn is it? It's a win- hardcore way. Yeah, what if I had said yes? I was like, I dabble. He'd try to sell you something. Yeah, that's a good point, actually.

Whose turn is it? It's a win-win. You don't rate people while they're asleep, do you? I'm just checking. What time do you go to bed? Are you a heavy sleeper? Yeah, what time do you go to bed? All right, I'm just going to preemptively say this might be the dumbest Mexican joke off I've ever written. I can top it.

A handwritten scroll from the 18th century was I've ever written. I can top it. A handwritten scroll from the 18th century was discovered in the ass of a statue of Jesus. This document is being called the Pooh Testament. I apologize for nothing. Here's the question.

Who broke open the ass of this statue? At what point of having a statue do you be like, let's check up its butthole? It sounds like some Catholic shit. They have it for 20 minutes. Get up in the anus. Find some answers. A U.S. doctor pulled off a uterus transplant for the first time this

week. In other news, my transgender girlfriend just figured out what she wants for Christmas. That's a terrible joke. That's a terrible joke. That's a bad joke. All I want for Christmas is my two front lips. An Indian man had to go to surgery to remove 263 coins, 100 nails, and multiple razor blades from his stomach.

The man is now suffering from an iron and copper deficiency. God! Tom! You said you could bring the Thomas, and I could bring the Thomas. Hey, Ken, I'd rather go after Tom goes. I feel like a lot of my jokes will do better if Tom's told his before.

Why do you think Connor positions himself here? Yeah! It's sort of like when you're going up at a show and you're like oh cool this guy sucks I'm going to look amazing You can't see Tom on the poster because he's right out of frame Propping up our mediocrity That's really what he's here for

This is a genius way you guys have set up this show Let's do like two young comedians And a guy who just got out of a head injury unit Wait did you know that's a guy What do you mean just got out of Did you know that or did you guess I need to know whether you know that's a thing? What do you mean, just got out of, escaped from? Did you know that or did you guess? I need to know whether you knew that or guessed.

Let's just say I'm perceptive enough. You never had, well, I guess you had if you had 12 concussions. You lost, actually lost track of how many concussions you've had. Yeah, and psych ward visits. Yeah. Good to have you on the show, Mo. My dad's a psychiatrist and he's partially retired. I'm sure he's kind of bored if you want to do some Skype sessions.

Oh, you said partially. I think you said partially retarded. Maybe he is at this point, too. Who knows? He's 72. At what point does it go? To fix a tard, you have to be a tard. Coming soon to the USA, Ned.

Oh, that's fucking fucking sad. Well, that's like, yeah, like they're having to track down mentally retarded criminals. So first he has to get hit in the head with a snow shovel so he can get into their mindset. It's a slow speed pursuit. And they do that shit like they did to catch Deadbeat Dead. They just mail out like free Skittles at the Super Bowl. All right. The state of New Jersey has busted 79 child pornographers in a major sting operation.

The state's attorney general called it the most embarrassing situation the state has been in since the late 2000s. It's like that other guy. It's a Jersey Shore reference. Instead of getting ready for the show earlier, what I did was have sex and watch a movie. I kind of don't regret how bad I'm doing.

As I cleaned the patio and prepared the studio, I was like, alright, I'm taking this very seriously. You're just fucking and watching. I'm the grown-up most of the time, so I cut myself some slack. Yeah, that's fair. I'm just kidding. That's a much better excuse. Yeah, I have no excuse that good for my joke sucking.

I just sort of masturbated and then masturbate again. What's your record for one day? I think I got seven. Five. Seven's good. No, it's not. Let me tell you. I mean, it's good in the way that, me tell you I mean it's good

In the way that You know like You know It's horrible I think I got to six And I was just like Well I mean I gotta You know

I've fucked seven times In a day I'm not impressed I've just bragged Did you cum every time Yes Did she ever cum once Yes

Good I've done five Just once I've done five in a night With a girl And she didn't cum one time And I've always assumed She was a lesbian Because it's easier to think that than I'm horrible at dating.

Plenty of other girls haven't come. She did. Dude, my favorite story ever about Ronald Reagan is he fucked a chick while he was divorced, and then she couldn't have an orgasm, so he told her to go see a doctor. Holy shit. Well, this can't possibly be my problem. Here's a card. Marilyn Monroe, I was just reading about her, she claims she never had an orgasm in her entire life. Oh, wow. Here's a card. Marilyn Monroe, I was just reading about her.

She claims she never had an orgasm in her entire life. Oh, wow. That's fucking intense. And she was with such a fucking idiot that when I heard that, I was like, in my mind, I wrote the hacky joke. I was like, and she used to date Joe DiMaggio. So, you know, he was hitting the right spot. And then I stuck my head out the window and hope someone drove by and hit it with a shovel.

I even told my girlfriend that. She's like, you're awful. Your transgender girlfriend? She's like, okay, yeah. Is this podcast going to pay for my uterus transplant? She's like, you got to get a new job. I don't think this comedy's going to pay for this uterus transplant. Yeah, my life is basically dog day afternoon. She just leaves out like a flyer like, wow,

get your CPA in six months. You see this? Oh, yeah. Someone dropped it in the mail slot with the Chinese menu. The Air Force is recruiting. You can probably do that. Speaking of a slot, when are you going to cut that dick off? Sorry. This hypothetical transition girlfriend is really pissing me off.

Oh my God. Chinese scientists are researching a chemical cure for homosexuality because if there's one thing China needs, it's the ability to make more fucking people. There's a lot of Chinese people. Oh, now I get it. There is a lot.

Yeah. A homeless man rescued three children from a burning building in Las Vegas. After making sure the children were not harmed, he promptly traded them for crack. I was really channeling Norm MacDonald on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, you really were. I'm going to listen to a lot of Norm, just sort of stealing his whole cadence.

Walmart has discontinued a t-shirt suggesting to lynch journalists. Unfortunately, most of the people who might have been interested in the shirt also couldn't read. That's pretty good. I liked it. That one is a joke. They were all jokes. Well, let's just release the confetti from the ceiling. We've all right. I liked it. That one is a joke. They were all jokes. Well, let's just release the confetti from the ceiling. We've been saving it for two years.

That's what I get instead of laughter. Here's some paper to throw at you. Tom's been watching a lot of videos of broken garbage disposals, and he's really stealing their cadence. He's really picked up on the mouth. Someone dropped an N64 in the bathtub, and he's really been influenced by its timing. All right, guys. Mercifully, finally, a vampire scare in the African country of Malawi has left eight dead. Finding vampires has proved difficult for the impoverished country because they have no silver and no garlic, and God has abandoned them.

There's no vampire killing resources game. I'm really impressed that you took a vampire joke to Malawi and didn't reference AIDS. That is thinking outside the box. I thought it was going to be a blade joke. Oh, dude, those both would have been way better. I like how I got points for creativity just because I couldn't think of the two good options for the joke. Oh, I thought – see, I just assumed you must have thought of them and pushed yourself. No, not at all.

No, just stop at the bottom like BMO. No, the first thing I think of, that's probably the best thing I'll ever think of. What are we going to try harder? Finally for me, a college student owes St. Jude's Children's Hospital over $200,000 after a donation tweet unexpectedly went viral. While she is unable to pay that amount, St. Jude's says they'll settle for $40

and a kidney. And is this the person that you ended up Yeah, I went on a date with a lady the other night, and she was like, yeah, I got to go hang out with my sister tomorrow. She's involved in some kind of weird viral internet bullshit. And then I went researching for Mean Boys, and the first story was that girl's sister popping up, and it was her.

So if you're listening to this, hopefully St. Jude's doesn't break your legs. Holy shit. Yeah, most of the listeners for this show have just been people that Keith was on the bubble for fucking over the years. They're like, what do you do? He's like, I got a podcast. And they're like, oh, that's actually kind of cute. I mean, after listening to it, I in no way want you inside of me, but I will give you $5

on Patreon. I'm playing this one very delicately because I'm hanging out with this girl again this week. Oh, I can't wait to meet her. Yeah, no. Nothing has ever been less going to happen than what you just said. I'd like to meet you. It's pretty intense bringing girls back to this house, right? Yeah.

Well, yeah, when you take them into the African field hospital that is my bedroom, they're generally not super down to class. I don't think girls love, like, rooms without doors. That's some damn good detective work there, Mandel. It depends what kind of, like, you know, at least they know they can get away from you if they need to. But when you bring a girl back to your bedroom and you're like, which one? The one with the poster hanging in front of it as a doorway or a cloth. You know those beaded curtains? You coming is on the other side of the house.

Yeah. No, it's not. One of our roommates had two fucking two different women that both were just like white ladies with brown hair. And one of them walks out on the patio afterwards. Me, Keith, and Tom are hanging out. And Tom goes, oh, good to see you again. And it was the wrong one. And I immediately played wingman.

And I was just like, oh, this is our friend Tom. He's retarded. Put your leash back on, Tom. Trump's ex-security advisor, Michael Flynn, pled guilty to lying to the FBI about Russian collusion. Trump claims that this is just further proof that Hillary belongs in jail. I'm sorry. I hate myself. An OC man stole a Ferrari, couldn't figure out how to put gas in it, and then begged for money for gas.

It was then authorities realized he couldn't be the vehicle's owner since he was Mexican. I like it. Wait, what? I like it. I like it. Wait, what? I like it. It made no sense, but it was like a chance to say something racist. It was kind of like it could have been any setup, and then the punchline was, no matter what the setup was, the punchline was going to be like, I hate Mexicans. Well, no, I get it. It's the only realize it couldn't have been him because he was Mexican and all those other things.

Yeah, that was what it was supposed to be. Yeah, I liked it. I did kind of like it. I thought about your delivery doesn't inspire laughter, but sometimes it's sort of like an agreement. All right. I think I'm so set up for confusion that when it makes sense, it just takes a while to get there.

You're confused by the fact you're not confused. I tried to praise one of Tom's jokes like a parrot looking at their child's drawing and just like, oh, it is a sailboat. But you're like, I don't know what this is. Well, I'm glad we all spent the first 15 minutes agreeing that I am bad. Nothing better than three other guys whose jokes sucked insulting your jokes. Collectively, we had one good joke. Well, that is it for the Mexican joke. We're going to go Photoshop Mo that is it for the Mexican Joke Off.

We're going to go Photoshop Mo into the poster for the show. We will be right back after this. How the fuck are you, everybody? It's your boy, Mark Malloy. You know me as an entrepreneur, semi-reliable dope guy, and as South Boston's most trusted name in never calling the fucking cops. The state of Massachusetts has asked me to record this video. And by asked, I mean this is community service on account I got popped for drinking three bottles of cough syrup at a Bruins game and trying to hotwire the Zamboni.

Took four rent-a-cops to get me out of the garden. I swear to fucking God, kid. Doctor said I went into something called NyQuil frenzy. I guess it's like NyQuil frenzy. I guess it's like being a fucking werewolf, except instead of a silver bullet, the only way to stop me is to strap me to a gurney until I sweat out a whole pint of codeine. It's fucking bonkers, kid.

Anyway, enough about me. Sexual harassment has been all over the news. Every fucking time I turn on the TV, some other movie star's gotten popped for yanking their crank at some broad ain't into it. Jerking off in front of a scared lady is the new Judaism,ism because everyone in hollywood loves it and i think it's fucking gross now look i get it i know how it is to see a hot little piece of tang hanging out on the corner and you go all fuck nuts and it's like you come as trying to tunnel through your balls like they're

a wall at shawshank but the fucking rules now kid and we all got to catch up and learn about something called consent i know i never heard about it. But that's why I'm going to teach you the do's and don'ts of responsible fucking. You'll learn how to respect the boundaries and personal space of all whores. And if you pay attention, you might just learn how to get some honest puss. Boston City Law currently defines consent as, quote, a sexual encounter in which the woman is alive and the man is white. I don't know what the rules on homo stuff are. I think they filed that under witchcraft.

So I don't know. Call your congressman or whatever. However, it's a little bit more complicated than just that. For example, we've all been in a situation where we piped up some drunk gal in a bathroom. Tale as old as time. Seems fine, right? Apparently, no. See, if you're too drunk, apparently you can't make responsible choices.

And that's fucked up. So it's like this. Last week, my cousin Little Pete drank a bottle of Windex and he gets fucking shithoused, okay? So he dragged his ass down to that tattoo shop down on Blue Hill, had that guy give him a tramp stamp that says, Puerto Rican cum goes here. And then an arrow pointing to his butthole, so nobody gets confused on where the Puerto Rican cum goes.

And sure, he thought it was a good idea then, but he wouldn't have done it sober, and he sure as fuck wasn't stoked about it in the morning so it's like that but the tattoo is your dick if you're wondering if she's too drunk to party a good test is the eyeball check look at her eyes if they're pointing away from each other get her a glass of water and try again in 15 minutes a good rule of thumb is to remember this phrase eyes in in the same direction, get an erection. Left one adrift, collar a lift. Here's a fun scientific statistic. According to recent research, there's evidence that girls also enjoy fucking. So if they want to sit on your junk, they will let you know.

If you find yourself in a situation where you're trying to persuade a broad into sex, knock it off. Take the L, walk away with dignity, and go find a girl with lower standards. I've spoken to several feminists in the wild and once they stopped slapping and yelling they actually taught me a thing or three it turns out no means no and not as I used to believe no means go really slow like you're trying to sneak past the t-rex if you're getting into that freaky deaky whips and chains shit first of all nice second of all make sure you got a safe word something nobody would ever ever say during sex you know like go yankees uh mike pence if you're into choking really really really make sure she's into choking get that shit in writing like with a

contract and a notary and shit it's a lady's neck not a boat you're buying cash on craigslist cover your fucking bases kid and if she ain't to be able to talk for a while, I don't know, maybe make her a sign that says help like fucking Wile E. Coyote. If you're like me, and if you're in a situation where they're making you watch this video, you're probably a lot like me. You probably think this is all bullshit. I get it. I used to think feminism was just a natural enemy of me getting a sandwich. And the broads told people they got touched because they wanted attention and weren't pretty enough to be on TV. But I've learned a lot.

And believe me, nobody is more surprised by that than me. I haven't learned a lesson since 1996. And that lesson was how to hotwire a Zamboni. And we all know where that got me. But I talked to a bunch of ladies. And we've been doing them dirty. I'm fucking serious. You know how hard it is to be a broad and southie?

Imagine it. You're an eighth-grade dropout. You're waiting tables for fuck-shit an hour. You probably got a fucking brood of mush-mouthed mick babies because your old man's doing 25 to life for kicking a cop in the neck, and you're strung out on pills you stole from your dog. And on top of that, you got to dodge dicks all day like Indiana Jones running past a bunch of Mexicans with blowguns?

It's fucked up, and we got to do better, kid. Plus, best of all, as it turns out, being respected and treated like a human being gets chicks horny as fuck. I swear to God, I was chatting up this goofy Harry Pitts college chick at Kalani's last night, and I just, like, listened to her talk for 45 minutes. As it turns out, she's kind of funny.

She's cracking jokes about pussy farts. She put ACDC on the jukebox. Fucking cool chick, kid. Sure, she was a little hoity-toity, kept trying to get me into some kind of juice cleanse voodoo bullshit, but hey, fucking poverty's nerfect. She ended up taking me back to her place, and I swear to God, she rode my dick

like it was the last lifeboat off the Titanic. She was even showing me new tricks. I didn't even think that was possible. Did you know chicks eat ass now? It's a bright fucking future, kid, and it starts with you and me. All right. Can I go home now?

And the Mean Boys podcast returns with another one of our favorite games. This is You Be the Judge. And the way this game works, Mo, is basically I'm going to explain some weird crimes, shit that happened. We have to come up with more fitting funnishments. What we do here is we make the punishments fun. We call them funnishments. There you go. More fitting punishments for the people involved.

So the first story. Or if it's a Tom crime, funnishments. All right. A fight between two homeless men turned deadly when one murdered the other using a three-foot broadsword. Ooh. Yeah, like a straight-up Lord of the Rings ass, like-foot broadsword. Ooh. Yeah, like a straight-up Lord of the Rings-ass Highlander sword. Damn. I feel like this guy should have to fight his way.

You know how Medieval Times is like a tournament? He should actually have to do that. We should just wait until there are enough broadsword-related crimes that we can make a bracket and have a tournament for their freedom. And then just actually open a Medieval Times restaurant where you can go watch hobos fight with swords. Oh, yeah, like an uncensored, straight-up real Medieval Times. I just like the idea of this homeless guy's got this giant broadsword, and yet he's probably spending his day collecting cans to recycle,

and then at some point he's like, dude, I got this fucking sword. I wonder if I'm getting five cents a can, how much do you get for a fucking iron broadsword? If you gave me a sword right now And were like sell that broadsword I wouldn't know how to do that I know how to sell a sword

I have three swords I teach you how to sell a sword right now Tom does have three swords in his basement They're next to the whiskey and the jizz racks I feel like if I see a homeless guy Walking around with a broadsword I'm like this is just a time traveler Who's making the best of things.

Yeah, exactly. He's back here to save and or kill Sarah Connor. I would give him money because he would have reminded me to re-watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. That, to me, is worth a dollar. Yeah. What do we do with this guy? I do like Hobo Thunderdome. Yeah.

But I feel like all the solutions come down to some kind of variation of Thunderdome. Yeah, but it's never a bad answer. Well, why are we assuming he has to get punished? Why don't we figure out what he did? Well, he murdered a man. Yeah, but what did the guy do to deserve to get murdered? Maybe he stole the guy's dragon. Yeah.

I think we have to get him cracked out enough that he thinks there are actual dragons for him to fight. Oh, God. What if he had to, like, instead of, like, the sword and the stone, he just pulled this sword out of a giant crack rock? Oh, man. All right. So we got Hobo Thunderdome. Tom, what should we do to him? I mean, yeah.

I agree. Some sort of gladiator situation where he can fight his way to freedom. But yeah, no. I don't really... Yeah, he has to do drugs, and he has to fight off whatever he hallucinates. And if he wins, we free him. Yeah, there we go. Yeah.

All right, cool. I think he should have to. Just because, like, he killed a homeless guy, so, like, it's not like it was a big loss. So, like, I don't feel like we need to punish him that much. So I think we should give this guy, like, a running man type thing. Like, he should have to blindfolded run across a 405. Like, at 3 o'clock. He should have to play Hobo Frogger.

Yeah, Hobo Frogger. And he gets to have the sword, but that's all he has. He has to be naked with the sword. Yeah, I don't know what the sword's gonna really do. Yeah, exactly. He just tries to fight a fucking Mitsubishi. Like running across the street naked with a sword isn't what he was just doing anyway. That's how the fight started.

He was like, hey, this is my racket. And he's like, why you? That was the next thing on his daily plan or after, kill that guy. He's homeless too, right? He's like, I'm going to do my morning pages, and then I'm going to run across the street naked with my sword. Actually, wait, no. I have another solution. I don't want this to come off as unsympathetic to homeless people.

Not like what you said. I don't want this to come off as unsympathetic. Yeah, he killed a homeless guy. It was basically cleaning up litter. So what is that, a parking ticket type situation? I don't want this to come off as sympathetic, but he either gets the death penalty or he has to kill ten more homeless guys. And which he does. Charges dropped. This is what Giuliani did in New York.

He dropped him in Times Square. If it was up to Moe, we'd have a system like how they had with cobras in Africa. If you brought in a cobra head, you got 50 bucks from the government. Every hobo scalp you bring into City Hall will give you a free Yogurtland gift card. I did the punchline a couple weeks ago in San Francisco. And some guy busted into my car because I was parked in the homeless district. So I'm more than happy with it. I got my car busted into in San Francisco, too. I lost the laptop, camera.

I fucking hate San Francisco. I love San Francisco, but the fucking homeless are out of control. That's why we get Captain Broadsword to start scalping some motherfuckers. Here's how you know it's bad. A man as uncool looking as me got offered drugs 30 times in the walk to the fucking setup. I was walking to the punchline, and this old man sleeping in a fucking doorway in a sleep bag looked at me and my friend and goes, Baggots!

I love that you're never too poor to be a bigot. I may have the shit in this box, but I'm better than you. I talk about this in my act, but when I was in San Francisco, I saw two homeless ladies in wheelchairs fist fight each other,

and I've never been able to shake that mental image. All right, so we take that broadsword, we give a broadsword to each old lady, and we have some high-stakes joust. I say we give him a more interesting weapon, like I think a mace or some sort of sickle. If we're going to have him clean up... I can't imagine he's sober enough to have the motor skills to swing a mace around. That's why it'd be great, because he'd try and kill himself.

Yeah. We could have a whole Benny Hill compilation on YouTube. Let's see if you can stay sober enough to not murder yourself with this mace as you try to wipe it. Yeah, we gave one of those bath salt cannibals a three-section ninja staff and he just conked himself in the head a bunch. Oh, let's see what he can do with some shuriken. Alright, that's all I'm saying.

Okay. We're out of Ninja Turtle weapons. Anybody's got another one? Oh, I could go on, but I mean... Acai? I thought that's a berry. Isn't that a berry? That is... Acai berries. Yeah. a sigh yeah I thought that's a berry isn't that a berry that is a sigh berries yeah yeah

Electra is known for killing people with her deadly berries oh the point daggers is what you're yeah that was the one that would be the one that we were talking

I knew I had a feeling you guys weren't talking about the berries but uh not that much of a feeling cause you seems like yeah

quite seems like the feeling was pretty mild. Let's move on to the next one. Number two. An Amazon delivery driver was caught on video delivering a package to a house and then taking a shit in the customer's front yard. Full on squatting in the gutter and just dumping. These are those porch pirates I'm hearing about. And this is not like a bad neighborhood or somewhere where you could even pass off a dump. It's Sacramento.

Yeah, it's like a cul-de-sac. It looks really nice. I was partying in this gated community one time when I was a teenager, and I pissed in this decorative fountain in the front yard of someone's house. And there was a weeks-wide community search for me. Like from my understanding. There's like blurry pictures of me. Someone texted me a blurry picture of me like up in like the community pool center, which is like, have you seen this man?

And I was like, was there water in the fountain or was there nothing in there? There was water in the fountain. It was like a little stream. How the fuck did they know you peed in it? Because they had cameras. Oh. I thought they did like a chemistry test or something like that. Yeah.

This guy goes out there at pH levels every morning and he's just like, they're here. Oh. But even then, the fuck is going on? I thought they did like a chemistry test or something like that. Yeah, this guy goes out there and does pH levels every morning, and he's just like, they're here. Mother of God. Mexicans. Yeah, CSI, low stakes division. Yeah. Yeah, pooping on someone's lawn is pretty fucking intense. I mean, like, we've all stepped in human feces walking around, and it's like...

Well, yeah, Tom, we live with Tom. I've never stepped in human feces. Well, because you're the one who left it there. You know what I'm saying? Tom, how have you never. Well, because you're the one who left it there. Tom, how have you never done that, but you've come in your own face on multiple occasions? I don't know. I'm coordinated with my feet, not my dick. What do you want from me? How have you come in your own face?

You shoot that much? I'm just trying to get as many famous people as possible to know that you've come in your own face. This is my way of building your brand. Here's our retarded friend that jizzes on himself. No, Tom, I'm impressed. I don't have any spring load to mine. Mine kind of comes out like somebody falling down a flight of stairs. The worst slinky commercial.

Yeah, I really wish. It always makes me angry when the girl's like, yeah, bust on me. I'm like, all right, well, I got to put my dick head right above it so it can just sort of gloop out. Yeah, gravity is going to be a big factor here. I can't blast you in the face, but I can gloop into your navel. It's like one of those water fountains that doesn't really work. Yeah, that's what it's like. Barely crashing.

You got to hold your thumb down. I still want to film that thing where we have you have a jizz like Olympics with like three porn stars where we do it in slow-mo. And see who has like we'll set out like out a whole graph paper to get the whole... I think you could out-come a porn star. Yeah, if we're playing distance, I feel like I can do a lot, you know? Other aspects might not go well for me, but yeah, I'll out-come a porn star. Yeah, the bust a shot put. Yeah.

Just facials from like five feet away. Tom, is there anything I'm not doing right? Is there any muscles I'm not flexing, or is this a God-given gift you have? I think, I mean, I can't... I think they broke the part of his brain during one of the concussions that does pressure control. Or God's like, eh, we kind of ran out of cerebrums,

so let's just give this guy a spring in his nutsack. I think I'm just blessed with a small urethra. I think that's... Oh, that's probably, you're probably right. Oh, yeah. That means Hank Hill comes really far. Bull! Sure, yeah.

Yeah, okay. So what happens to this guy that pooped on my arm? We really got no... This got away from us, guys. Yeah, let's get off this silly cum talking

back to poop talking. I know what he should do. He should sit down on the homeless guy's broadsword. Case closed. This does seem like a problem for the broadsword guy to come in and fix

Just like yeah you live by the turd You die by the turd I think Amazon company policy just says you have to be raped by a drone I think that's the new operating procedure Yeah if he's gonna deliver a bomb I mean it seems like if you really Okay it depends did he have like some food that made him have to shit on the lawn Or was this a planned attack

And if he was he should have just had two boxes One of them pre-dumped inside of and then when he delivered it he just sort of tilts the box you know i mean that would be the way to do it here's the other thing yeah that makes sense from what i know about that news story he wasn't delivering to that house he just oh really that that's what it looked like to me did you watch the video no i just saw the video i always give your mailman a Christmas bonus. What can Brown do for you and Dee? All right, I'm out. The video is that he uses the door so no one can see him.

You just see an ass and head squatting underneath the door. And I think he just drove away afterwards. What do you want him to do, hang out? That's horrible. He didn't even wash his hands. This guy's a man. He drops the dump, produces a nine iron, and just... That's the thing. He's got to go somewhere to wipe his ass now. So guy's an animal. It drops the dump, produces a nine iron and just... He's got to go somewhere to wipe his ass now.

So just go poop there. I'm sure they got paper in the Amazon van or whatever. Or you could do construction style and rip off his sleeve. What do you mean construction? Is this construction style? Something you did one time while working for your uncle

doesn't necessarily dictateate a style. Have you guys ever noticed construction workers who have no sleeves or just one sleeve? That is for sure not because they're wiping their ass. No, it is. You need to tell me they've only... It is certainly not true. So if you're working on a construction project, you can only poop twice. No, no.

If you run out of toilet paper... Five things you didn't know about Larry the Cable Guy. He shits outside twice before every game. Construction workers love to shit. They run out of toilet paper. Five things you didn't know about Larry the Cable Guy. He shits outside before twice before every game. Construction workers love to shit. They run out of toilet paper. They love to shit.

They're all about shitting. No, they're all about shitting. Nobody shits as a hobby unless you're like German or something. And then they tear off a sleeve if there's no toilet paper left

because the other construction workers beat them to the port-a-potty. So you guys walking out with one sleeve just like, laugh it up, guys. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Tom, if your theory were right,

you would see a guy with just one sleeve. You do? The lesser it is, all take enormous dumps the first time. That would be two sleeves. Oh, yeah, as a two-sleever. Oh, that guy's missing a pant leg. What did he eat? Oh, where did he eat?

Hey, Trevor, weren't you wearing a hat? Oh, God, messy in there. Sorry about your toupee run. Okay, yeah, he should, I don't know, someone has to poop on his face. Let's move on. I think he just doesn't get sleeves the rest of his life. There we go. Sure.

You know when you're in China, if you shoplift, they would tattoo it on your face? That's the construction. Well, you shit one time in the model home, so you gotta have no sleeves for the rest of the time at this company. It's the mark of shame. And last but not least, an Argentina woman was arrested for using a pair of garden shears to remove her husband's penis. Holy shit. I have a very personal

connection to this story. Yeah, your transgender girlfriend. No, no, no. This is true. You're bleeding, by the way. I don't know if you realize that. I was gonna wait till he made fun of me Before I told him Oh yeah my gums are bad Yeah you need to take care of that Cool

So this This is fucking That is intense I've never seen a guy Like talk his Talk his way to his gums Or rub his One time Keith

Brushed his teeth And his tooth exploded We're not that concerned Oh yeah one time Keith did brush a tooth Out of his head You're like Charlie From Always Sunny

In Philadelphia No this is a true no he's like charlie bucket minus the the cute factor dude so my friend uh damien used to live in argentina and he's an argentinian guy and he saw me when i was up in thanksgiving we hung out and he called me on sunday freaked out because his best friend in argentina got his dick cut off and it's that guy whoa yeah this is true he was freaked out he's that guy. Whoa! Yeah, this is true. He was freaked out. He's like, dude, I just found out about it. This guy apparently was sleeping with some, you know, he's sleeping around, and this girl, he had just started eating, and apparently she took garden shows.

I can't believe you brought that up, because I was like, I wasn't quite sure if he had just made up the whole story, and I was going to do it. What the fuck? Damn. I mean, I guess probably no shortage of gardening supplies. Yeah. That story is so fucked up. My girlfriend's a urologist, and she would be fascinated to hear about a story like this,

and I didn't want to tell her because I don't want to put any idea of doing that in her mind. I just got to figure the rest of your life is just tearing off sleeves and wiping pee off your balls. Well, from what I got, they got the dick put back on. Oh, they did? They reattached the dick, but the doctors are like, yeah, it's on there, but it's not going to do it. You got no more jets. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they're like, this dude's never having babies.

It seemed to be implied, like, yeah, this dude's dick is fucked forever. I just thought he was having babies. Can he fuck? Can it get hard? I mean, they didn't just specify, but he's got some freaking dick. He has a Mr. Potato Head type fiasco where he pops it off. The tone of all the comments was pretty grim. It didn't seem like this was going to be a fully functional dick.

It's an aesthetic thing from now on. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, I guess that guy can still kind of get by at the locker room at the 24-hour fitness in Argentina. Yeah. I'll tell you what he should get to do. He should get to cut off her pussy. I don't know how women's bodies work.

I think he'd be like a clam shucker. Like an ice cream scoop. At the very least, he gets to weed whack it. I think she should have to wear the dick around her neck as a pendant. Like as a sign. Are you kidding me? In this day and age, that would be badass. No, but it's like a sign. Like, look out for this lady.

She takes dicks. No, I say if we're going to go that route, we should fuse it to her forehead. Some sort of dick shopping unicorn. I've heard of taking a dick, but this is ridiculous. I don't know what the punishment is. It's just so horrifying to even think about it. Yeah, that one. I'm like, God, just regular old jail seems fine.

It's probably so squeamish. You can't really take anything from a woman that, like, you take a guy's dick, it kind of takes his whole identity. I don't know what you could do to a woman that takes her identity. If you take his dick, he's not going to try to start a business anymore. No, he's done. No, he's done. He's watching cat videos and eating Ben and Jerry's for the rest of his life. Yeah.

It's interesting. John Wayne Bobbitt, the woman who cut off his dick, he used to beat her up. So they didn't punish her. But then later on, he beat up another woman. But at that point, it's like he's got a right to be kind of mad at women. You know what I mean? I feel like the other woman he beat up, that's on Lorena. You know what I mean?

She caused the anger. But a woman cuts your dick off, I think she has to marry you. That should be the punishment. Because no one else is going to do it. You should be allowed to hit her, but only with the dick. I think that's just beat her with a penis. No, you can't do a lot of damage. You should have taken more zinc while you still had it.

All right. Well, I think that's you be the judge. I think we settled it. I feel uncomfortable just having heard about that. It makes me sad. You know? I'm in a decent mood. What if someone cuts your dick off?

What are you going to do with your life? We're all walking around knowing. I'll tell you this. I'm going to have a what if someone cuts your dick off what are you gonna do with your life we're all walking around knowing I'll tell you this I'm gonna have a great eight minutes about it at least I'm just saying it gets in your head

like anytime you go home with a woman just know you might wake up with no dick so I hope it's worth it well this is a great part of being a comedian

I've really monetized all the bad decisions I've made in my life you know I got fucked with a strap on when I was 19 and I've had a road closer for about five years you know and it's just you kind of convert all that stuff into energy I've never in my life. You know, I got fucked with a strap on when I was 19, and I've had a road closer for about five years.

You know, and it's just, you kind of convert all that stuff into energy. I always remember hearing that rumor, but I never really kind of got the details on that. About me? Yeah. It's not a rumor. No, no, not a rumor. People say on the stage, but I never quite got the details on that.

Yeah, lady butt fucked, though. But how did that happen, or why? I'm sure you've talked about this thing, but. I don't think we really have, even. So what was the deal? Let's break it down. You're 19. Yeah, we're doing this're 19 because like i'm sure at some point i'll let a girl do that to me but people like i'm 70 and i'm just like bored of sex and i'm like let's just fucking change it at 19 you're just barely having sex how do you i just it what it boiled down to was this

was an emotionally manipulative woman that i hated being with and talking to so much i would look for any distraction to just not be alone in a room with her while she just made crazy eye contact with me and just threatened to kill herself if I broke up with her. So if it was like, oh my God, I want to go see Perks of Being a Wallflower for the fifth time at the fucking Dollar Theater,

I'd be like, great. That's not just you staring at me and crying. And it was just like, I want to fuck you with a strap. And I was like, that should kill 45 minutes. This also happened in the house that I was living in. So I remember walking by the door of this girl's bedroom and just hearing him, like, whimpering weirdly

and being like, I wonder what's going on in there. Oh, you actually heard it. Wow, that's intense. And then finding out after the fact, I'm like, oh, that's what went down. And it's so funny because that girl forever has, like, insisted that it was Connor's idea. And then he's like, oh, he loved it. He was all about it.

And I'm like, it doesn't sound like Connor. I also gave her a flesh-eating disease because I fucked her best friend before we got together. So I felt like I owed her one. Yeah. You got into the deep waters

of sexuality early. Yeah, I kind of did. Yeah, yeah. That's impressive. Well, yeah, I fucked her best friend before we got together. She had a staph infection

called MRSA. I passed it on to this girl. So she had all these sores all over her leg. And then you let her sodomize you. I mean, you seem like a guy who could get his dick off and keep living a good life. You seem like you know how to do it.

I'm pretty good at eating pussy. You went so quickly from like suburbs to like David Lynch movie. I was just bored. I lived a sheltered life. So I was like, yeah, I don't know. I guess I'm this guy now. Yeah, it makes sense. And it was just a self-esteem and boredom type of issue.

But yeah, I literally had to like heat up a thumbtack and, like, drain her cysts like a frontier doctor, you know. And just all, like, shit. Like, there's a million things like this. She threatened to kill herself. Go back to the girl who cut the guy's dick off. That's a lot more pleasant. It makes you feel better. You look like someone who's been pegged.

For sure, yeah. I don't like the term peg. Why do they use the term peg? It takes, like, getting fucked with a strap on is what it is. They change it to peg, pegging. It's like, what is pegging? It's like giving it a cute little nickname. Because once you get butt fucked, you're a lady and your name is Peg.

Okay, sure enough. But it just seems like, you know, if the act is the act, why are we changing it to that? I don't know. From hearing Connor's story, that's not my biggest gripe with what happened. I like to say I got plugged. You and the pirates are upset. It just bothers me that it's like... The pirates are upset. Hecking's our thing.

Don't make pirating so gay. Yes, we're on a ship with other men. It's not gay. You came in my good eye. On that note... Why are all those pirates on a ship with men all day and they're always missing an eye? What the fuck is going on? Probably, yeah, probably a mix of syphilis and facials.

Probably trying to fish hook him with the hook hand while you're hitting it from the back and you miscalculate. If there was more of an outlet for maritime humor, this bit would be so great. This bit would be so great. We'll be back with more of the Marine Boys podcast right after this. Hi, I'm Tammy Gash. I'm taking a break from the graveyard shift scrubbing cum out of pillowcases at the Radisson to tell you about the Mean Boys Patreon.

I only use the internet to find long haul truckers that want to use my cunt like an old timey spittoon. But apparently you can use it to raise money too. If you subscribe to the

Mean Boys Patreon you get access to weekly bonus content, free swag, and even a chance to be on the show yourself. Damn it, Gash. The only show I've ever been on was the news. I went walking in the woods to go to an all-wolf gangbang, and my thighs rubbed together so much it started a wildfire. 37 people died, and I drained those wolves like a swimming pool with a tart in it. This podcast is like my twat because it's three guys deep and it gets better if you've got ten bucks. Tammy Gash. Go to patreon.com slash meanboys today to sign up. And if you send me your receipt,

you can come over to my Winnebago and I'll thumb fuck your urethra until you splooge out of your butthole. That's it for me. Tammy Gash! Someone put a cigarette in my pussy Gas

And the Mean Boys podcast returns To play a round of our favorite game Which is the following everybody Now by the way, this game works. We've got a category here. We're going to give you four things. Three of them are real. One of them are fake.

You're going to have to tell me which one of the fake ones is. This week's game comes to us from one of our favorite listeners, Callie Velasquez, with another game. Which of the following is not a real headline on Jezebel.com? Oh, Lord. Note, this took four minutes of... It's been such a strong feminist episode so far. It really has.

She writes, note, this took four minutes of research. What a wretched website. The National Enquirer is more reputable. So a strong feminist listener in Cali, Velasquez. So let's just get started. Round number one. What is the following? Is it a real headline at Jezebel.com?

Nude paintings, hot or not? B, holiday gifts made easy. Print a dildo at UPS. C, Kristen Stewart unfairly chastised for jerking off two guys at once. Or D, why are women protest masturbating at Graceland? What is Graceland? That is Elvis' house. What an odd reaction to that.

Three of those are real? Three of those are indeed real, Mosif. Shit. Shit. Yeah, this... I was hoping there would be an obvious one that wasn't real, like, Kurt Metzger is our favorite comedian. The hot new podcast from Echo Park everyone's talking about. Louis was a gray area.

A lot of women like men jerking off while they're clothed. Yeah. The woke comedy renaissance on true TV. Right, right, right. Exactly. Oh, man. Shit. So we got nude paintings hot or not.

Holiday gifts made easy. Print a dildo at UPS. Don't even know how that would work if it is real. Kristen Stewart unfairly chastised for jerking off two guys at once. Why are women protest masturbating at Graceland? For sure someone just made a pterodactyl mean of christian stewart and then you know the protest masturbating was definitely true because the term protest masturbating just sounds like something like zeitgeisty like woke people are doing yeah like that feels like a real protest masturbating is

when you take a selfie with your sign that's really clever protest is that what it is no no that sounds like that could also be it. Like, you know, hipsters and feminists, they like to use sexual stuff and take all the sexuality out of it. So I would see how protest mastering could work. Kristen Stewart jerking off two guys. It seems weird to get to a place

where you're taking on two dudes, but you're just doing hand jobs. It's just like your mouth is there. It's almost rude not to at least give your mouth to one of them. Yeah, I think if we're chastising her for that, I don't know how unfair this chastising is. Well, also, maybe she jerked off two guys, but they didn't tell you that while she was doing that, she blew one guy. So there could have been a guy in the middle.

Or maybe they never consented. You never know. Or maybe she was blind from an operation and she just thought she was skiing. I don't know. There's a lot of things that could have happened. Maybe someone cut her dick off. She became enraged and was trying to yank off other dicks to take for her own. All right, Kristen Stewart should get a broadsword.

Yeah, it's weird because I feel like I would have heard about that part of me. Yeah, Tom, you didn't know who Matt Lauer was, so I'm not going to give you that point. This is the Twilight bitch, right? Yes. Okay. Twilight bitch is such a rude... Twilight Bitch is a great thing to call an old woman. That is such an awful way to describe a whore who used to be in a vampire movie.

How dare you? Vampire whore. That is the term. Says Moe. He'll open the show with a, yeah, I'm trying to put a new hatchet wound on layaway from my freak girlfriend. I did not say it in that accent.

Oh, man. I'm going to say the Kristen Stewart one is the fake one. Tommy Goss. The A one was nude paintings hot or not. You're going to pick a random letter. No, I'm going to go the Elvis protest. Okay. random letter. No, I'm going to go the Elvis protest. Okay.

Momendel. Well, you know the nude paintings, hot or not, seems fake because nude paintings always have kind of like fat chicks. And I feel like people at Jezebel would know that was hot. There's a few sacred things on this podcast. We do not besmirch fat chicks on this show. We're big fans. I would say... I just got to get back to Keith's gums.

You have a grapefruit tree in front of your house. How do you have scurvy? It just seems impossible. You have a citrus-based tree in front. Keith has been brushing his teeth with a railroad spike for the better part of a decade. I mean, I brush my teeth.

They're just not getting better. The false one is Keith Garrett does not have gingivitis. I think you need steel wool and bleach. Yeah, they're a mess. No, I'm going to go. Sorry to steer us off there. I'm going to go the Kristen Stewart jerking off two guys one. That doesn't seem right.

You know it's a sign for a heart problem, right? Cool. What do you want me to do about it? Just let you know. Keith and Tom have been bummed out so much. I'm just waiting for my turn. I don't know. I'm coming at Keith.

This is not vindictive. This is caring. I know. This is serious. And here's the thing. Somehow that makes it worse. Okay. I don't really care.

D. It was D. Women are not protest masturbating or graceful. Wait, really? That was the one I was sure was right. Yeah. Wait, Christian. Women are not protest masturbating or graceful. Wait, that was... Wait, really? That was the one I was sure was right. Yeah, no, I... Wait, Christian Stewart jerked off two dudes?

Apparently, yeah. No, I know what I'm Googling after this. A busy evening, indeed. Yeah. Run number two, which is the following. There's a real headline on Jezebel.com. A. Craigslist posts for used teen anal beads net Alabama teen a five-year jail sentence. B. DEA agents reminded not to attend sex parties paid for by drug coattails. Cartels. Coattails. Coattails. That's drug coattails. Wait, sending a rabbi your menstrual blood?

Yeah. Is that like a thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Really? You your menstrual blood? Yeah. Is that like a thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Really? You're Jewish, right? Yeah. I'm not like sending a rabbi my menstrual blood level of Jewish.

But I didn't know if that was like a Judaism thing. I'm sure. I don't know what it is, but I bet it is because I know in Jewish stuff, sometimes the women will drink their placenta or they'll tear off a piece of their dick with their hand. Are you thinking of voodoo? Because I feel like you're describing as voodoo. There is an element of all religions, when you take them seriously, they get very voodoo-y. They all get fucking just really crazy.

But there is a thing in certain circumcisions by hardcore rabbis. I think they actually do it with their teeth or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm just besmirching their religion. Oh, no, they suck the baby, the foreskin off. They do that. They do something like that. Yeah, they do. That's what it is. That's what the moil

does. Wait, what? I missed it. It wasn't funny. He was making a joke about your teeth. But I'm not joking about his teeth. This is coming from real concern. But he's a father. You know, we've got a lot of laughs in the show today, guys. None of them came from me this week. I would say, absolutely,

the fake one is the... What were the options again? Use T-Natal beads. Give a T in a five-year sentence in Alabama. A DE agent reminded not to attend sex parties paid for by drug cartels. Rabbi meant for blood and 50 shades of Santa is clear proof that Santa is a kinky sex hound. God, fuck this website. I have a headache.

I think the Santa one is fake because it just sounds like too hacky for Jezebel. And it sounds kind of – I mean it's hacky already, but it just – they're not going to talk about a man. Jezebel doesn't want to acknowledge a powerful man like Santa Claus. They might not acknowledge – They're threatened by his influence. They're going to be more like, the ignored Mrs. Claus and what she's had to do while her husband works with his patriarchal blah, blah, blah.

I feel like the girls on Jezebel would enjoy a man looking like Santa. Elf Becky covered it up for years. The rape, the patty the elves on their little tushies. Oh my God. Bring it to the gingerbread ceiling. Yeah, block the door in Jack Frost.

I'm going to say the Benstrup Blood one. All right, Tommy Gus. I'm going to say A. Okay. That was a D-A-A-D-E. No, that was the Alabama Butt Plug. Alabama Butt Plug, the sophomore album by Mo Mandel. Alabama Butt Plug will be opening up for Roy Moore at his inauguration.

Well, then I'm going to keep A either way. All right, Mo Mandel. I'm going the one I said, the Santa Claus one. The fake one, A. Tom has fallen ass backward into a perfect streak thus far. What the fuck, dude? This is what happens, Tom. There's no comprehension of what's happening and then wins this game.

Next week, Tom only on the poster. The Mean Boy podcast. All right. He used my face for most of the merch. I haven't seen any of that merch. Oh, we'll give you some. Round number three. Great.

He's in a real jizz. Everything's coming up Mandel. Oh, ow. Oh, that hurts. Hanukkah is coming right up. You're about to get eight lazy... I don't know if there's eight people I hate. We don't have eight things. I'm glad that you think we have eight items.

Why was an Italian convent Investigated for selling human poop To orchid farms B. A chat with Malcolm Brenner Man famous for having sex with a dolphin Would you get a shot of your own blood plasma In your chili if it meant more orgasms No a shot of your own blood plasma

In your clit if it meant more orgasms Or D. The best time I left a used tampon in a dude's shower. The best time. There were multiple times. So many of them were so good. Wait, what was the chili one? There's no chili. I accidentally read the word clit as chili. Clit chili. Because the font is very small and I can't zoom in. I can't speak, you can't read. Because both of them make him

feel sick afterwards. Because they eat both at once. Tom, you can't find the clit. You can locate chili. You're a chili hound. I actually don't like chili. You've never doubted whether chili really exists. Yeah, God, the clit chili. So we got Italian convent, investigator for selling poop,

interview with the dolphin fucker. Would you get a shot of your own blood plasma in your clit? Have you been in more orgasms? Or the best time I left to use tampon in a dude's shower? Again, I'm going dolphin one, because jezebel would write it from the point of view of the dolphin that got fucked yeah i feel like it like the clit thing like maybe if you're a porn star do you get like your your fucking avian award taken away like your blood doping like lance armstrong juicing yeah wait what was that if you get your orgasmic fluid

shot into your blood plasma into your clit you put your blood plasma into your clit can you imagine how painful that must be to get a shot as a guy who had to help a girl

like Lance a boil on her pussy one time as we alluded to in an earlier story on this podcast I can't imagine it'd be great

just get a piercing down there that would've been a much easier way to do it and less expensive I feel like if I get a piercing

a bunch of guys are gonna be like oh I found it I got this clit rock hard like that is a BB you have you are wasting my time oh man And less expensive. I feel like if I get a piercing, a bunch of guys are going to be like, oh, I found it. I got this clit. Rock hard. Like, that is a BB. You are wasting my time. Oh, man.

I think it's the clit one. That seems a little too insane to be real. Which letter was the clit? Clit was C. And what was B? B was the dolphin fucker interview. I'm going to go with Mo on dolphin fucker. Oh, essentially you did it because my strategy was to wait until you went,

and then I was going to go with you did. Like, I was going to go with yours because I'm so – Oh, Ie on Dolphin Fucker. Essentially, you did it because my strategy was to wait until you went, and then I was going to go with what you did. I was going to go with yours because I'm so... Oh, I thought you said Dolphin Fucker. I did, but I was going to change it. Since you go with mine, then we're sticking on that. Great minds think alike. Yeah, it was the poop orchid farm one. You guys are both wrong.

God damn it, Tom, you fucking retard. That's an isolated sound drop. We really have been trying to not call Tom retarded. We need to put that in the intro right after Jamar's quote. Yeah. What's Jamar's quote? He says, N-words are mean, and it times out very well with the theme song we're using. So it has the N-word in it. Here's what I know.

This isn't a successful podcast. No one has ever given me shit for that. it's just existed in the world just fine right number four a miley's coke parties have offended the kennedys b couple spends over thirty thousand dollars to have hardcore threesomes with sex stalls as opposed to soft core threesomes or you just you want to make out with yeah you don't have you don't go gentle yeah uh c artist wins ho chi minh prize for ghostly David Bowie installation. Or D. Not safe for work. Indifferent cats and amateur porn.

Ooh, that's gotta be just a compilation of cats, like, watching their owners fuck on a webcam. That's actually pretty funny. I can't imagine the Kennedys being offended by coke. Well, yeah, they did coke and they didn't even kill a college girl. So, I mean, that's not the American way, Tom. What was

C again? C was artist wins Ho Chi Minh Prize for ghostly David Bowie installation. Yeah, there's an issue. Why is it called the Ho Chi Minh Prize? What is Ho Chi Minh? I don't know. Who is that guy? Ho Chi Minh was the guy the Vietnam guy. He was like the bad guy, wasn't he? Yeah. They named

Saigon Ho Chi Minh City and all that shit. Oh, yeah. They call Garden Grove Boulevard in Orange County the Ho Chi Minh Trail because it's where a lot of Vietnamese people live. No. And by they, I mean

racists in Orange County. And by racists in Orange County, you mean your immediate family? Yeah, correct. But you know what I meant. Shut up. All right, so what are we thinking, gang? Can we hear them one more time?

Miley's cook parties have offended the Kennedys. Right. The couple spends $30,000 to have hardcore threesomes with sex dolls. Artist wins Ho Chi Minh Prize for ghostly David Bowie installation

or not safe for work in different cats and amateur porn. I'm going to say Ho Chi Minh Prize. Okay. Tom goes. Tom, you go first.

Find that chili, baby. Come on. And B was... Could you stop rubbing your own chin? You're fucking like... What he's saying is start rubbing his chin. You're like fisting your own chin over there.

Well, due to the blood trauma, his brain short circuits if he doesn't supplement it with static electricity. Who only rubs a balloon? B was sex threesome with sex dolls, $30,000. I feel like... Oh, sex threesome. I feel like that's the least weird somehow. I'm going to go with that one. Okay.

The fake one. C. Artist wins Ho Chi Minh prize for Ghostly David Bowling's somehow. I'm going to go with that one. Okay. The fake one. C. Artist wins Ho Chi Minh prize for Ghost of the David Bowie installation. I'm going with that one. Oh, Mo jumps in the lead. Taking this game very seriously. Well, you skipped my guess. I was going to go with the Ho Chi Minh one because I can't imagine what a Ho Chi Minh prize would be.

Yeah. I guess it would just be the other half of Vietnam. They don't give a prize for whoever has the most genocide on their people. Frankly, after the jokes you've made on this podcast, we're creating and giving it to you. The first weekly Ho Chi Minh prize for being the most insensitive. All right, guys. Two more quick rounds. If I knew Asians better, I would have gotten them.

Tom, you lived in Japan for a year as a child. You grew up Buddhist. How do you know nothing of Asians? I don't know about that part of Asia. I know I'm all about the northern Asians. Japan is in the northern part of Asia, Connor. Yes.

Keep going. These are Vietnamese, correct? These are jungle Asians. I hear what you're saying. These are jungle Asians. These are Mexican Asians. I know the domest These are jungle Asians. These are Mexican Asians. Oh, Mike. I know the domesticated northern house Asians.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying, Tom. I hear you. Game recognize game. I feel like some words were taken out of my mouth. I'm talking about the more medium yellow. You're talking about a sunlight Asian. I'm talking more of like a Bayesian. I'm going to take a mole again and just say I know a shitload about Japan

Bayesians Tom knows more about Orientals than Asians Holy shit Alright, round eyes Round number five I asked dudes to cum on my ass on the first date Wait, isn't this one all real or all fake? No, there's six

B, I'm sorry, this zombie fish is definitely worse than super gonorrhea. Shut up. C, Cosmopolitan poll finds prostitution less embarrassing than working at McDonald's. Or D, sorry, bad news for Mike Lawrence. D, shake up a dull meeting by spraying your breast milk everywhere. What was A again? A was I asked dudes to come on my ass on the first date. I mean, that's fairly common.

Yeah, I feel like, you know, you don't want them to cum in you, but, you know. I once, I had been dating this girl for a while who was like, hated being cum on. So I was so used to like just cumming in my hand after we'd have sex, you know. And then I started sleeping with this girl and we were talking from behind. And she was like, I went to cum and we were talking from behind And she was like I went to cum and I came on my hand And she was like what are you doing? No cum on me

And I was like so I just rubbed my hand It wasn't really satisfying for either of us Like you're making a promise in the 50s You got to cum on your hand Why wouldn't you just pull to the side and shoot on the bed Why are you shooting in your hand Because then your sheets are fucked Then you have sleeping in your cum. Your sheets are fucked. Yeah, but then you have a handful of cum.

You could wash that off easier than your sheets. Well, Tom can't do that. He would give himself jizz stigmata. It would just blow right through the hand. I swear to God, one time I tried to cum on a girl, and I hit the wall behind her. It went through her head. I'm so jealous of you and your fucking shotgun dick. Look, no girl has been like, oh, that's hot.

Oh, babe, I'm getting close. I'd say, duck hard. Jack into the left. jealous of you and your fucking shotgun dick. Look, no girl has been like, oh, babe, I'm getting close. Jacking to the left. So what are we thinking, guys? We got dude, common ass, this zombie fish is definitely worse than super gonorrhea, prostitution, McDonald's, or spicy but dull meaning by spraying your breast milk everywhere. I'm going to say zombie fish, super gonorrhea

because that's the most infuriating. Yeah, I'm going to go with that one too. Fuck. I'm going to go breast milk. The fake one. Cosmopolitan poll finds prostitution less embarrassing than working at McDonald's. Oh. I kind of agree with him. I would way right.

Well, yeah. You can wash off the smell of prostitution. If you work at a McDonald's for eight hours, you straight up smell like fries. I 100% agree. I've had so many shitty jobs and I've always wondered like people, I like to go to strip clubs

and people are always like. What? No. I know, it shocks you. But they're always like What? No I know it shocks you But they were always They were like That's so disrespectful The women are being so disrespectful

It's like I don't think it's any more disrespectful Than me getting up at 4.30am To work at Pete's Coffee For minimum wage I don't see how it's any more Disrespectful than that One time I was walking to work

And stepped in a puddle And I had to then Take off my socks Well that was because The girl asked you Not to come on her Right That's fair enough

The puddle was in my bed It was on the bedroom floor But I then had to I got to work My socks were wet I had to put plastic bags On my feet And work for eight hours asked you not to come on her. That's fair enough. The puddle was in my bed. It was on the bedroom floor. I got to work. My socks were wet. I had to put plastic bags on my feet and work for eight hours serving coffee with a college degree and plastic bags on my feet. So I would much rather take my clothes off and make $300 a night. And if anyone's listening,

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Half the money will go to a bottle of Listerine for Keith Carey. Yes. If you wanted to have your pussy eaten while you felt a Brillo pad on your belly button. Half of it will go to a pack of mouth band-aids. Keith has a rapper grill of Spongebob band-aid. Yeah, I'm sorry. I had popcorn

last night. It turned into a whole ordeal. Round number six. All real or all fake. Why the Victorians were so terrified of death by poison. God, go fuck yourself. B. The scariest sex toys we've ever seen. Not safe for work. C. An abridged history of video game dicks or d but what about all the accidental anal butt is spelled with two t's gentlemen are those all real are those all fake i think this is real just because i think i read the video game dick thing because what dicks are the laser shoot larry and

what else well i mean custer's revenge that's the weird one where like if you win you get to like bang pocahontas oh yeah yeah yeah but there was this whole thing that doesn't say there was this whole thing recently about

well yeah it's on the Trump website if you win you get to buttfuck Elizabeth Warren on top of an Obamacare repeal bill I think the which sex toys

are not safe for work has got to be fake right oh it's all real these are all real or all fake oh this is a new one yeah it's my final round I'm not ready for? It's all real or all fake. Oh, these are all real or all fake. Oh, this is a new one. Yeah, this is my final round. I'm not ready for this.

I'm going to go all fake, Tommy Goss. Yeah, I got it. If the butt article hasn't been written and this isn't the title, it's been written. I got to go real. All right, these are all real. I'm horrible at this game. No, you did all right. We've had a lot of practice.

At least you didn't create this podcast. That would have been brutal. You didn't go through a notes process to lose this game. Wait, you guys didn't come up with this game, though. You just solicited this from... No, we stole it from Sesame Street. Well, we got a lot of writing packets. We ignored the ones from all the talented young people.

And then we got one from a friend of ours who lives in New Mexico. Okay, good. That's how we hire writers for comedy now. All right. That is it for Watch the Falling. We'll be right back with your questions and plugs right after this. Twisted Nerve Productions is the number one promoter of the most intense, balls-to-the-wall holiday events in the country.

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for children who are poor as shit. Santa's Village 2017. The Mean Boys Podcast is back. Tipping into the Mean Boys mailbag. First of all, I wanted to give you guys a test that someone gave me over Thanksgiving. This is a psychopath test. I'm particularly interested in Tom and Moe's answer. All right. So if someone gets the answer

and then you guys, you know, be honest about what you would have said. So this is the question. I'm a little bit offended by what you just said. Why did you just say you particularly want our answer for the psychopath test? Because I listened to the show we just recorded. Fair enough. Did you get this off Facebook?

No, this was just something my cousin told me. More reputable than Facebook? Yeah, yeah. Well, real this was just something my cousin told me. More reputable than Facebook. Yeah, yeah. Well, real life Facebook because my cousin gave me a boring quiz. So the question is – so this is the hypothetical scenario. You're at a funeral for your brother and you meet a beautiful woman and you fall in love and you have this amazing conversation all night and you guys click on every level. You forget to get her name and then you leave the funeral. You forget her name.

You have no way to contact her. You can't find her anywhere and you're wondering who this woman is. You forget to get her name. And then you leave the funeral. You forget her name. You have no way to contact her. You can't find her anywhere. And you're wondering who this woman is. You're asking around. You can't figure it out. And then a week later, you kill your sister. Why did you kill your sister? Actually, I know this test, and I know the answer that means you're a psychopath. Okay, Mo,

what do you think? I'm not participating in this test because I find it insulting. I want the sociopath test. I resent being called a psychopath. Why did you kill your sister? I don't know. Because she's a cunt! I know the

right or slash wrong answer. Do you have any guess? You know what? It sounded too much like a math problem and I tuned out. It sounded too much like a train left Milwaukee. Your brother dies going 40 miles an hour. Right. So somebody, I don't know.

All right. Tom, give us the answer. Keith, you already did this? I don't understand what is happening. Yeah, I don't know either. Maybe I fucked it up. This is not the great radio I thought it would be. No, it's because you killed your sister to get to find the girl.

Yeah, you're hoping she shows up at that funeral. Oh! Yeah, yeah. Okay. I couldn't get it. My dad got it immediately, which was scary. Well, it just seems like, I mean, within this thing, it's just good problem solving.

Yeah. Wasn't that the final episode of How I Met Your Mother? All right, let's do the actual questions. I apologize. That would be so great if that was the final episode. Oh, my God. If I could murder someone, let's do the actual questions. I apologize. That would be so great if that was the final episode. Oh, my God. If I could murder someone, he's like, and that's how we gave birth to you. What was your answer?

I didn't know. I was just like, I don't know. You're crazy? Yeah, I had no idea. All right, Luke Soin on Twitter asks, are aliens real? Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Okay.

Yeah, but I think. And they're coming into this country and taking hard work in America. I think all those farmers are liars. Hard work in American butt probes. I think the farmers are liars, but they're still real. All farmers are liars? Not all. The ones that I...

Oh, you're talking about crop circles. Yeah. Again, Tom, you pose thoughts with zero connective tissue for context. You can create the tissue, but I just feel like, yeah, no, they're real. You're going to need a tissue after you've come in your own face. Actually, let's get back to Tom's cum. How many tissues could you shoot through, you think? You think if you held up like a bulletproof vest.

If I were to put on some bullfighter outfit and hold up some red Kleenex in front of you, how many sheets could you get through? I've never counted the sheets. I will say that there have been times where I knew I didn't get enough, went anyway, and it shot through the sheets and landed on my belly. You didn't fire through.

What thread count are we talking? Through tissue paper. Yeah, not through actual paper. No, there's not just like bullet holes in my. And by tissue paper, he means one ply of toilet paper he stole from the 7-Eleven. That's what you guys should fucking do. Get one of your fans up here for some Russian roulette where you cover their open

mouth with tissue. He has to shoot into it and you see whether it goes through into their mouth. And he wins a stuffed animal at the end? Yes. Well, yeah, we're doing that for sure. So aliens are real. We settled that. Aliens are real and they've come down and they decided they want nothing to do with this shithole planet.

Yeah, I don't – okay, go ahead. At Death to the Filth asks, if you could eliminate one person from existence, who would it be? This person will cease to have ever existed. Anything they had done in their lives simply never happened. I got to go J.P. McDade. I love the guy. But I mean he's just the more handsome, marketable version of me. So I think I'd move up a couple rungs if he was out of the picture.

But if you get rid of J.P. McDade You would have lost a couple bookings people gave you Because they thought you were J.P. McDade I'm saying you just so I can replace you on this show With J.P. McDade Because he's charming and he can actually do voices You know who wrote for Comedy Knockout? J.P. McDade

That's another reason I brought it up His packet was great Son of a bitch In the same vein as Connor I might go with the other Tom Goss Oh yeah There's a gay pop star named Tom Goss Why would you want to get rid of the only reason

Your name gets googled It would just be easier For them to find me And also I wouldn't have people show up to my shows I don't think that's going to make people start looking for you Is the problem That's happened though right people show up to my show. I don't think that's going to make people start looking for you though is the problem. Yeah, but it'll make people easier. That's happened though, right? People have come to

your shows. Yeah, people have come to my shows being like, oh, I thought that this was... I thought it was weird that the pop sensation Tom Goss was performing at a Denny's in Fresno. Yeah, that's kind of on them. But no ill wishes towards the guy. Just, you know, if I could... If I could murder him with superpowers, I would.

What do you eliminate? Who would I get rid of they could have never existed fuck that's that's a tricky one man i um i guess i just fuck i don't know it's this is so many people i'm having the problem of like narrowing it down to one person you know right i guess i would say um the guy who raped me when i was in eighth grade next question no i'm sorry i just made that whole thing up no i uh i was about to say it really sucks that that happened to richard prior and he was really funny you just kind of well you got it's all about who rapes you you know it's not it's also it's how they rape you no i would say only it was a black guy who was looking for a prostitute and had to wait in line and killed time by raping a young Richard Pryor,

Mo Mandel would have actually won his own television show. I would say maybe Tommy from the Comedy Store. I just fucking hated that guy. Oh, yeah. That guy was such a piece of dog shit. Yeah, that's fair. I would have had like – I was there the night he came back and I was like, why the fuck is Tommy here?

I've never been so close to just like Saying fuck my career I'm pulling him out of that ticket booth And beating the shit out of him As I was with that guy Like I would drive home like so angry And then you're letting just a fucking utter piece of dog shit Although I do think in the last two segments We've gotten Moe pretty close to that place again

I'm feeling great This is wrestling level Kelsey1052 on Instagram Asked question how did the Mean Boys meet I'm feeling great. This is wrestling level. Kelsey1052 on Instagram asked, question, how did the Mean Boys meet? I don't know if we've ever told the origin story. Keith called my jacket gay. Yeah. He meant it as a compliment.

Me and Tom did a road gig. We did a show in San Diego. There was like five comics. I'm a terrible host. I was also just a year into comics. We were driving down and I host. I'm a terrible host. I was also just like a year into comedy. I was driving down and someone alluded to Tom trying to kill himself and I was just like, oh shit, I didn't even know that happened, which I think made you feel

worse that I wasn't even aware. No, I assumed you didn't know that happened. My first conversation with Tom besides just saying hey or whatever, was we were doing a show at a thrift store in Orange County and I just remember him screaming about how much he doesn't trust croissants at like four people. Well, yeah, no, Tom hosted this show

and he closed with a joke about whale jizz. Yeah, and it just I had him in the very beginning. That threw him off. And then Connor was headlining and as I'm bringing up Connor, I'm trying, I'm just failing miserably. So bad. And so I'm just like, guys. We all, as a joke, just kept

calling him, keep it going for time, guys, the best host in the business. And I go, guys, give it up for the Madhouse. And there's like some applause, like,

give it up for San Diego. And then it gets louder. I'm like, yeah, give it up for the San Diego Chargers. And they lose their shit. And then I'm just like, guys,

I fucking, I hate the Chargers. I'm a Bears fan. I think your fans suck. And then they start booing me. And then they start booing me. And as they're booing me. I like that. That's funny.

Oh, they hated me. They hated me. I go, you guys, give it up for your headliner, Connor. As they're fucking booing me. So you're bringing them up two boos. Yeah. And then a couple weeks after that, I had you come host a show for a Mexican family reunion in front of a campfire in Northern California with me.

That hosting went better. That went better, yeah. Yeah, and I remember you wanted, it was after that you were like, hey, man, let's be friends. And I was like, okay. But I was like, ah, this is some sort of trap. Like, I didn't believe that you were just, like, being cool.

This guy's just trying to use me for my Xanax prescription. Yeah, and Keith, like, I'm more like, we more tangentially knew each other for a long time. Just at mics and stuff. I was vaguely aware you existed. Yeah. That was the first time I ever was like, oh, Tom's like a cool-ass dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that was a fun show in that thrift shop. Yeah. I was like, oh, what a weird character he's doing in there. And I first learned about Mo from just, you know, being screenshotted and sent various posts from different women's and comedy groups. You know, as The word got around. Zero accusations against someone like me. Absolutely will be zero.

Dot, dot, dot, yet. All right. Certainly, but there's a real safety net to not being famous. Tell me about it. You're telling us, man. We're trying to buy a guy's kidney in Iran right now, and we're just not on the radar enough to get Interpol involved in Iran.

That's a true thing. That's not a real thing. No, but I will say this. I mentioned, like, you know, I actually treat women very respectfully in person, and you don't see guys who you think are going to get these accusations getting these accusations.

You know what I mean? Like, why is Dice not accused of anything? Yeah, no. Like, where the fuck is the Nick DiPaolo accusation? You know what I think it is? A lot of these UCB guys

are actually... Yeah, if you fucking talk a lot of shit on stage, you have zero margin of error offstage. Yeah, you're not seeing any, like, blind items. Like, I was assaulted by...

Yeah, women are going to get offended by shit with the steer clear view. I was accosted by a delicatessen wolverine the other night. Oh, man. Well, that's it for Mean Boys, man. Mo, thank you for coming in.

Thank you for having me. You've got to listen to this podcast, Mo vs. the World, right? Tell us about it. Yeah, Mo vs. the World. Yeah, I used to do it in 2014, and then I stopped doing it, and now I'm doing it again. It's just basically I have various guests, Jesse May Peluso, Sarah Tiana, Chris Ferrangiola, and they get in there and we just sort of go through topics and we talk about stuff and then we both,

Tom comes in and we fuck each other's mouths. It's a new segment, but people have really responded to it. And we see if he can shoot through Kleenex into my open asshole. Yes, every week we have a Jizz Olympics. So Moe versus the world and we have a visual element so you can see if it actually happens or not. Okay, yeah, and we'll have a Jizz Olympics. So Moe vs. the World and we have a visual element so you can see if it actually happens or not.

Okay, yeah, and we'll have a link to that in the show notes. This must be what making it feels like, guys. Oh, absolutely. As for me, you can see me

headlining the Rec Room Comedy Club in Huntington Beach December 12th at 8 o'clock. It's going to be a very fun show. I've got some of my

favorite comics opening for me. It's going to be a good time. December 22nd and 23rd, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. You know where that is. The fucking location is right there in the name. And guys, very excited. I got some dates in Reno coming

up I'll be announcing soon. Oh, God. Oh, I got one in Seattle. Seattle, the Underground, 29th through 30th, and it'll be headlined in Bremerton on Washington New Year's Eve. Oh, cool. We got some Seattle peeps. Go see Mo. Mo's a fucking great comic. Seattle on undergroundcomedy.com. I've seen you go up To the store before

And you're very funny No I saw Mo At the Sacramento Comedy Festival After a 90 minute Like fucking contest Where the crowd Got completely fucked to shit And just went up

And just scowled at them Until they came back to life He was very very funny Go check out the show December 6th I will be at the Headlining the Madhouse Comedy Club In San Diego

December 28th I'm headlining the comedy store In La Jolla And presumably I'm doing other things, but I don't have them right now. So yeah, come to those. If you want to see me, you should have came out last month. I don't have any shows this summer.

If you want to see the gay famous version, where will he be at? He's on tour right now. Tom Goss will be playing the T-Mobile Mega Center in Dubai. Meet and greets upwards of $400, a.k.a. Tom's annual GDP. All right, that's it, guys. Fuck everything.

God is dead. God is dead. And if you send me your receipt You can come over to my Winnebago And I'll thumb fuck your urethra Sorry, sorry about that If you come over to my Winnebago If you send me your receipt, you can come over to my Winnebago

and I'll thumb fuck your Aretha. God damn it. Take five. If you send me... And if you send me your receipt, you can come over to my Winnebago and I'll thumb fuck your urethra until you splooge out of your butt.