Mean Boys - EP 94 - Infectious Genital Tent (feat. Gareth Reynolds)

Episode Date: December 5, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “The Omega Tom Part III”, “Tom Tompardy”, "The Special Olympics", and a game of "Which of the Following" with Amazon erotica novels by Paul Corn. Listen to Gareth's podcasts: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-dollop-with-dave-anthony-and-gareth-reynolds/id643055307?mt=2 https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/point-vs-point/id906196542?mt=2 Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Gareth Reynolds on Twitter: twitter.com/reynoldsgareth Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor, Keith, and Tom from Mean Boys. Snark Week, Day 2. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Snark. Uh, we got Gareth. Snark. And we're not doing that again. Gareth Reynolds joins us.

No, stop it. Gareth Reynolds is our guest. Shut up! Snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, Nobody likes it. Jaws. Snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, on social media listen to his podcast the dollop and point versus point uh holy shit this is a fun one yeah garrett's great he's fucking awesome quick bit of a housekeeping business i want to

address right up talk because it came up in the episode yesterday with mo mandel so we've been asked a lot of times if tom goss is the official third mean boy uh and for a while he was not because uh he didn't want to be yeah yeah no i i uh i didn't want to commit to this thanks fair thanks man just being honest just like uh just like when i when i offered you a I didn't want to commit to this. Thanks. Fair. Thanks, man. Just being honest. Just like when I offered you a part of my hypothetical claymation show. And you said, what are you going to give me?

That said, the show has evolved. And honestly, we couldn't conceive of doing it without Tom at this point. We could probably pull it off. Well, yeah. I mean, we have for a long time. And we will when he inevitably, once we announce this, bails on it. But in the meantime, Tom Goss is now officially the third mean boy. Yeah. You can't see it, but confetti is falling from the sea.

Parade for Tom Goss. Yes. Confetti. Tom is officially... I thought it was like the cake. Yeah, he is no longer special guest soundboard Jackson. He is a fucking real deal. Which absolutely changes nothing for the listener. Not at all, But we get asked about it periodically,

and it came up, so I just want to make sure we're all on the same page. What did you guys tell him? What did you guys tell him when people asked? I don't think anyone's ever asked me. We've got asked on Twitter before. I usually am just sort of like, Tom is what Tom wants to be. We're like, he's welcome to be if he wants to be. Ironically, this would have been addressed much sooner

if you had figured out how to read Twitter, which may be part of why we were reluctant to make you a full member of the team. No, I saw those. I didn't know how to respond to you. I know, I'm kidding. I would never have the confidence to think I could put you in any kind of box. Yeah, it really changes nothing, but I just wanted to make it an official stance. So it's on air.

It's documented. We all know the score. Leave us a review on iTunes. Yeah, please do that. It's a food. You go documented. We all know the score. Leave us a review on iTunes. Yeah, please do that. If you go for all your awkward conversation needs. This guy writes, Tom's my spirit idiot. Five stars. Keep up the amazing disrespect, you filthy male orgy.

Much love from the IE. Welcome to the show. Yeah, man. Fucking IE. IE represent. Yeah, I don't IE? Hell yeah. You guys, please uh please yeah if you

haven't already leave us an itunes review especially during snark week when we're trying to make a desperate ploy for relevance yeah uh patreon is going strong we're at like 89 percent of our next goal to get to uh two extra episodes a month so please we get bonus content a bonus episode every day during snark week it would be super sick if we could uh hit that goal by the end of the month yeah that would be pretty cool. Yeah, patreon.com slash meanboys. Get that buzzer. I'll show other people to sign up

even after the first episode. So yeah, fucking beer koozies. We're all just carbon and bullshit. Tom Goss quotes original going out. Got a Wu-Tang Mean Boys shirt happening.

And I think we'll do the ads in between some of the segments because the intros are getting a little long. But other than that, fill out that Torm spreadsheet. Let us know what the nearest major city

you live in is because we're going on tour in 2018 we want to see you guys we love you fucking uh sign up for the death pool email tomgosscomedy at gmail.com we're doing a stanhope celebrity death pool yep yep it's gonna be fun yep uh so uh with that said please enjoy uh this episode with hall of fame great guest lovely dude gareth reareth Reynolds everybody absolutely hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast every dog you've ever seen in a movie is probably dead by now I'm Keith Carey, I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss.

And I'm one of the Amish people that left after Rumspringa. That is the vibe. You look like you were Amish and you were like, oh, fuck this. Pussy and beer rule. That's 90% of the Rumspringers, though, isn't it? Yeah, but you just never went back. No, you didn't go back. You just were like, yeah, I found out about this Angry Birds thing and I just cannot churn

butter anymore. No more barn raising. I found meth. I'll never churn butter. Gareth Reynolds, Hall of Fame guest, which makes time out of his busy schedule

to come visit us in the crack house. We do appreciate it. How could I not? How could I say no to this? Very easily, like most of the people. I think I said no twice,

but then you kept pushing. He thought this was Mark Maron. He's going to get very upset about what happened. say no to this? Very easily, like most of the people. Oh, no, I did. I think I said no twice, but then you kept pushing. Yeah, yeah. He thought this was Mark Maron. Yeah. He's very upset about 10 minutes in. Yeah, we did that like phishing email thing where we got a

wtfpod.biz or something so the emails look official. And I just do the show like, when's Mark showing up? Yeah, yeah. We're the Dan Nain of booking podcast guests. And then once it's too late,

they already feel too bad. What a long, weird pre-interview for WTF. Pow! We tricked you. Where's Mark, though? Seriously, is he here? Oh, yeah.

You never been to the cat ranch? This is the cat ranch. Oh, okay. We have to chase cats off premises recently. Oh, good. We do, yes. Yes. Especially our Nigerian roommate who doesn't like cats.

No, you're making it sound like it's a voodoo thing. It's an allergies thing. It absolutely sounds voodoo. Yeah, well, I guess they're sacred to his people and it's bad luck to have one in the home. Our Nigerian roommate can't have cats near him? It sounds ritualistic is the way you pitch it. He gets just furious at the cats

in the front. Not like, get out of here, in like a rival gang has entered. He chucked a grapefruit full force at one of them recently. He tried to punch one of them the other day. He called one of them the N-word recently. Which was hilarious.

Was it a black cat? Half black. Half black, yeah. He's full black, so he can say it. It's definitely different if a white guy is just saying the N-word at cats. That is sort of a zero-sum game. I've learned my lesson. I didn't want to say it by name. Obviously, yeah, yeah. That is sort of a zero sum game. Absolutely. I've learned my lesson. Yeah, I didn't want to say it by name, but obviously you speak of time.

Out on the patio, Gareth tells us about the TV show he's executive producing, and then we were like, well, yeah, we chased some cats out recently, so everybody's got stuff going on. We put up some cigarette butts, and our roommate called the cat the N-word, so we all got stuff going on. We rousted several critters, you know, and they've been rousted, and our domain is secure.

Blossoms around less. Breathe in this air. Very little pollen. All the pollen is Tom-related. Or dander. I feel like there's less oxygen in the basement than there used to be. Well, they're trying to slowly starve you, I think. Yeah.

Of air. Of air, yes. Not of food. Yeah, we choked him long enough that it made him like this. If we choke him long enough, it'll turn him back. Look at my neck. There's a movie for you. Yeah, choking Tom. Choke back. Look at my neck. There's a movie for you.

Yeah, choking Tom. Choke back. To choke Tom, you know how there's some piano songs where you're like, oh, this one needs four hands. That's Tom Goss choking two pieces of sheet music. You would need a mechanical vice to get around that neck. Surprisingly, a hundred pound girl choked me out.

Our comedies died trying to figure out how to do that Did she use tools or was it just a bare hand? Her legs How did you end up in this position? Clearly this was predetermined Jiu Jitsu Tom's trying to become a cage fighter I'm just trying to get in shape

I'm not trying to become one I was born one and I realized that recently We're burying the lead on Tom is trained to be a cage fighter and got beat up by a 100-pound girl. That is a pretty good point. I can't drink anymore. It's a good distraction. Okay.

Yeah. Okay, yeah, no, it's better. You're finding other ways to lose brain cells. Yeah, that's exactly it. I'm like, I'm going to trade one for the other. I can't give up on it. I'll just deprive my brain of oxygen this weekend instead. Yeah, I get overwhelmed by the waking world, so I got to punch out some of the smarts so I can deal with the news of the day.

I'm literally sleeping in oxygen deprivation so that people can come in. Famous people would come and call me a retard for 15 minutes of the podcast. Well, Tom, that's your job. That's the career path you've chosen. I'm the target. You're probably in the top 5% of professional retarded people. Yesterday you made a pledge not to call Tom retarded

for the rest of the snark week and it made it eight minutes into one episode. Well, he said it, so I felt like I could... Yeah, you've got caveats. Yeah. Yeah, that's that fancy fish

the rich people put on the dicks, right? Hey, sturgeon eggs! All right, guys. We're all fired up here. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Ay, so tópico. All right. I'm sorry, Tom.

No, you're good. You're good. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to wait five more minutes before you call me a retard again. Keep in mind, you're talking right now to a training athlete. So, you know, this is motivation for him next time he's in the cage getting choked out by an N-word cat or something. Whatever the next phase of this is.

Whoever's lower on the totem pole. Yeah, we haven't learned cat techniques yet. Yeah, you know, I'm fighting birds. I love birds. That's what makes it so vexing. Friends now foes? Pretty soon I'm going to be writing jokes for this and I'll be looking

through Reddit for news and it's like, oh, I guess a guy got into a fist fight with an ostrich and I'm like, oh, that's why Tom's late. Okay. It's coming together now. Alright, guys. The founder of a neo-Nazi website says a troll storm he inspired is protected speech. He also insists that he'd be able to prove it if he didn't have to hire a fucking Jew lawyer.

What is the thing where the phrase troll storm is now like part of the political discourse? Yeah, that should be a bad band and only that. Yeah. All right. An Iowa man was arrested for attacking his wife with a McDonald's chicken sandwich. According to police reports, the victim was, quote, ba-da-da-da-da, not loving it. And then got choked out by the sandwich. The cop is writing the thing.

How many da's is it again, Billy? Ba-da-da-ba-ba. Then you're loving it? Wait, so it's two da's and then a ba? Oh, fuck. I hate paperwork. Yeah. I counted those out to make sure, so it's two dahs and then a bah? Oh, fuck. I hate paperwork. Yeah. I counted those out to make sure I got it medically accurate.

Medically accurate? McDonald's got bomb biscuits. Dr. Carey? Buck's Island does have bomb biscuits. Yeah, they got bomb biscuits. The number one sad entree of choice for Tom Goddard. May I have four? So, Billy Bush confirmed that the Access Hollywood tape is real, where Donald Trump says that

he carries Tic Tacs in his pockets to forcibly kiss women and then grab them by their pussy. On Canadian news, Justin Trudeau likes dogs. That's fun. We've all got stuff going on. Yeah, no, you ever just change your trending topics to the Canadian regional ones, and it's just like, this guy made a poutine omelet in a snowman. River water safe to drink. You're like, this asshole. Speed bumps too aggressive.

Breaking news. Everything's fine. And our top story today, still not locking our doors. Everyone's chill. All right. Actress Julia Stiles was ridiculed for holding her child wrong on Instagram. She apologized, saying she will no longer carry her baby using skewers. Like a cord on the cob.

Shishka, babe. Shishka, babe. That's for sure a roller derby captain that we didn't get to the other week. All right, guys. A hepatitis A outbreak in San Diego has prompted the city to build gigantic tents for its homeless population.

Civic planners have described the project as like the circus, but less sad. It's a big pussy wart fucking tent. Can you think of a worse place? That's basically what my bedroom is. That is true, yeah. It's an infectious genital tent.

Well, we have an episode title. Infectious genital tent. That makes it sound like you've put a pole underneath your scrotum to create shelter for your taint. You guys on hard times? Gather. You're poor, you're hungry, you're tired. Get under my scrotum.

Who wants Jersey Mike's? I have a whole sandwich under my scrotum. Generations will be thankful to those who fought at Valley Forge. Now get in your nutsack tent. Get in your nutsack, T.B. Oh, my God. Marine biologists discovered a new species of fish

living 26,000 feet below the ocean's surface. They're calling it the deepest fish ever discovered, both because of its home and the fact that it, like, really gets what Fight Club is about. Is that, I'm guessing that's far for a fish or something? No. Far, you could say deep. It's far for a fish.

I thought there were fish all the way to the bottom of the sea. Well, there might be, but we can't get all the way down there. Yeah, that's the problem. The news is that we got far enough in the ocean. The hole in the middle of the sea. Is that weirder than the bottom? Yes, you can't make a hole in water. Well, you can't make it to the bottom of the sea. Is that weirder than the bottom? Yes, you can't

make a hole in water. Yeah, well, you can't make a hole in the bottom of the sea either. It'll drain. Oh, boy. Yeah, it'll drain into the Earth's core. I don't know. It's a fucking child's sock. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Just submarines pouring Drano at the base

of the ocean. She's clogged up. There's a lot of hair down there. Just helicoptering a giant cork over the meridian. All right, we're going to solve this. We don't want it to drain. I'm sorry. I didn't know that song was nonfiction. I don't take those fucking songs seriously.

Okay, guess what, mobsters? You got a free pass to do cement shoes one week as long as it's in this specific place. We got a problem we got to get to. It's like the ozone layer, but worse. You fix the problem, we didn't see nothing. Yes. An Amazon driver reportedly pooped in a man's driveway this week.

In classic Amazon fashion, the poop was meant for the neighbor and was two days late. We did about 15 minutes on that last week. That was way funnier than all the shit we did. Oh, on that story? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course we did.

It's one of those ones. I also have a joke on that. A Sacramento woman got video footage of an Amazon driver taking a wicked dookie in her driveway. Already he's got better language. The company stated that if the homeowner doesn't upgrade to Amazon Prime, they will next shit in her kitchen. Why did you call it a wiki? And what did you say? Wicked dookie.

Try to spice it up. Yeah, I like that. Oh, that's a spicy dookie. If you ever do spicy hands in my house again, I'm going to beat you to death. A spicy dookie. There's a lot going on here. He's Sebastian the Crabbing His Hand with a Luigi accent about a poop meatball. It's a spicy duke.

Oh, the fumes of a flavor. What do you mean we're going out of business? They don't like a duke, son? And a toaster duke. This a poorly conceived business. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Okay. A former employee of Forever 21 is seeking $2 million in damages after a hidden camera video showing her changing in a bathroom was posted on porn websites. If she wins, she will become the only pornographic actress in history to comfortably retire.

Or else you're going to be out at Tickles in Fort Wayne Doing two shows a weekend You ever see like a porn star's calendar? They just go out to strip clubs In the middle of nowhere Truly You can relate very well to someone Who's in the adult entertainment business Because they're like

I'm at Yuck Yucks Showing my beam all weekend Showing my beam I'm trying out some new moves Yeah I'm opening for a $5 show That'd be so great You're like yeah that guy never answers my emails I've been trying to get in at fuck fucks for years

I got so many friends that work fuck fucks What do you want to see? I got good clips I got hours of material I just don't have any big credits What's the deal? There's a club called Flappers but gross Yeah Flappers, but gross.

Yeah, Flappers Claremont. Flappers Claremont. A Tennessee couple are facing murder charges after allowing their four-month-old child to overdose on crystal meth. They say they were just playing the baby's

favorite game, Tweakaboo. I got him. Yeah, that was pretty good. Well, that's something Keith knows well from childhood. Indeed. Yeah, this baby just couldn't hang. It's kind of on him. Yeah, and when he moved his hands

away from his eyes, I didn't recognize who he was anymore. It was so scary. That's a good one. Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore leadsads opponent Doug Jones Despite being accused of molesting over a dozen women With no idea what to do In order to win

Doug Jones unveiled his new campaign slogan this week I'll marry a baby? Question mark You know I was talking about this I feel like with all the high profile pedophiles Something about touching a kid is just like doing a whole Tony Robbins course where you just become motivated and successful. Yeah. Well, what's weird is how like even – it's like the same with Trump.

Like this gets normalized like in ten years. It's not going to be crazy. You know that Today I Learned thing on Reddit where people would be like, today I learned George Washington hated pancakes or whatever. There's going to be five million of those about shit that happened every day in this time period like 50 years from now. Well, it's also so fun to think back on 2016 when everyone was like, 2016 can suck it. It would be the worst. Yeah. Several people we like died.

It's like, do you know what we're entering right now? Yeah. God, 2016 seems so good right now. Yeah. I would – It would suck any dick for 2016. God bless her. I would totally trade Carrie Fisher for no nuclear war.

Yeah. And I think she would, too. She was a nice gal. Yeah. Yeah. Someone said it best to me. It was so simply put, but I thought it was really great. He goes, oh, I completely forgot what he said.

Well, I think he put it well, though. He did put it well. Oh, my God. That's the best Tom thing I've ever seen. Long lead up to a simple sentence. It was such a simple thing My god, I just brain farted It was about 2016

I just shit my pants brain farting You just brain sharted I did It'll come back to me Tom just got hired by Amazon I couldn't remember what it was But you said something the other day And I freaked out because I've been trying to think of it for days

It's going to be one of those Was it funny or was it annoying? I said something the other day and I freaked out because I've been trying to think of it for days. It's going to be one of those. Okay. Whoever's Friday's episode. Was it funny or was it annoying? It was both funny and just very insightful. Okay. Okay. Well, I sure derailed that. A South Carolina man went to a Waffle House at 3 a.m.

And when no one was there to make him a meal, he made it himself. Public polls showed that there were still too many people at that Waffle House. Three of them. Alright, you had that one. You had Wicked Dookie. Three of them. I am genuinely embarrassed. I forgot what I was talking about earlier. Tom is just slowly

turning into the moonshine prospector he looks like. I do like that you're like, let me cover this up by yelling and pronouncing things wrong. If you put Gareth's beard on Tom's head, he would have to live in a tree legally. Yeah, I made a nest. I'm Birdman.

Don't touch my young. That was a great movie. Yeah, you gotta stay away from those. I'll reject them if you touch them. Not enough oxygen up here. You'd think the air, there'd be hot because that's what it's made of is oxygen. Yeah, you'd think there'd be air in the air. Look at that. Guys, newly

discovered skeletons reveal that ancient women did lots of heavy lifting in early agrarian societies. Anthropologist Dice Clay wrote about the discovery. They were probably hauling around big ass caveman balls. Oh! It's been a long time since Dice Clay

made an appearance. Yeah, it has. Apparently, they have big, thick bones. They're just strong as shit. Okay. Yeah. Wait, the dudes or the chicks?

The chicks. I guess they're just a bunch of fucking buff-ass Amazons. Sounds like somebody's got an opponent. Oh, no. Someone else wants

to carry old man balls. All right, guys. We've discovered a still-alive Neanderthal tribe. They're in an island off Papua New Guinea and instead of researching them, we're going to have them fight Tom. And then it's just one of those things

where there's like cave drawings of Tom and they're like, he's the one we spoke of! He's returned. They won't negotiate with science unless they get to fight Tom. That's our next Patreon goal, is just we airdrop Tom into the island of Amazons with just one boxing glove. Yeah. With a of Amazons, which is one boxing glove. Yeah.

With a horseshoe in it, like a looney tune. I'm sorry, you know the Amazons aren't islands, right? What? What? You said the Amazon Islands. No, it's a company that delivers poop. Oh, my God. I said an island full of Amazons.

It's the Spicy Dookies. Dom, at what point in history have you ever jumped in with, well, actually, and then been correct? No, I'm corrected that the Amazon isn't an island. I know that. At what point in history have you ever jumped in with, well, actually, and then been correct? No, I'm corrected that the Amazon isn't an island. I know that. To the back time, I heard someone say something the other day that I thought was pretty poignant, and it was... Oh, fuck. This one got away from me. Son of a bitch.

I was doing so well like five minutes ago, and I just threw it all away. That's all right. You're doing great, man. Oh, God, it's said to me. I can't try to cheer you up without you being like, oh, what are you planning, dickface? A man claims to have caught a flesh-eating parasite while visiting a theme park.

Disney is reconsidering their newest attraction, the Enchanted Zika Room. In the Zika, Zika, Zika, Zika, Zika Room. In the Zika, Zika, Zika, Zika, Zika Room. That's it. Yeah, yeah, we got it. It doesn't need to go anymore. North Korea has officially revealed that it has a ballistic missile that can hit any city in the United States, causing panic across the nation.

However, no one should worry, as Trump's new policy is we should just throw a grapefruit at it and call it the N-word. Wow. Wow. Damn. Oh, what an an audible Nicely done That was the comedy version Of the guy who draws Your like portrait

On the boardwalk I don't skateboard Yeah you do Yeah you do And it was so fast You're like cotton candy And skateboards Yeah give me one thing

About yourself And then you're gonna Have a big ass nose This is twenty dollars You got big teeth And you're an idiot Sorry Oh no no

It's fine It's fine Whoa whoa whoa We're trying to not do that On the show anymore He doesn't have big teeth He doesn't an idiot. Sorry. Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're trying to not do that on the show anymore. He doesn't have big teeth. He doesn't really. Researchers claim they found the tome of St. Nicholas. The researchers are now trying to figure out, since Santa's dead, who has been giving out

all those gifts. It's the tome of St. Nicholas. The tome of St. Nicholas. It's the tome. The novelization of the Tim Allen movie. Some people pronounce it Tome. We'll bury you in a Tome. I'll make a secret

hidden book carved out. Yeah, Tom's buried in a Tome Blur on it. We'll put a Ferris wheel on it. Tome Blur on it. It's actually a Forrest wheel. I thought you could

pronounce it on a wheel. It's an on a Forrest wheel. It has way better numbers than we do. Forrest wall. Alright guys, and finally, a special ed teacher

has been fired for having sex with one of his students. Police caught the man when they found a happy face sticker on her vagina. That's how he graded her,

you see. It is weird the amount of girls who are just like, oh, it's so cute you don't have proper brain function. It's always like,

it's always been a thing. I dare you to call us girls. They're your podcasting partners. I don't call us girls You don't have improper brain function I wasn't talking about me Oh my god Sorry We're all culpable in this

I was talking about something else Different Tom Did you even say Tom? Which honestly reminds me of something It reminds me of something really brilliant you said the other day That was so true and so funny and so profound Oh shit I never brought me up at all

I thought you said me Look you forgot a quote You're living in a deoxygenated basement Leaps are being made You're sleeping in that chamber Michael Jackson used to use You live in an iron lung It's keeping you young Tom's asleep

You're starting to develop a taste for child flesh. Tom's the only guy with wake apnea. I literally never brought me up at all. Tom's breaking. I'm sorry. I said mental retard or something. You just assumed. You guys need a stenographer on this podcast.

I think they would go mad. Absolutely. How do I spell free-all-yum? I can't do this, all right, guys? I can type 180 words a minute. These aren't words for you. I don't know what in italics suggests spicy fingers. Yeah, I can't do verbal hieroglyphics,

which is how this man communicates. Well, Tom, I didn't think you thought people fucked retards. Don't defend this. We gotta. Well, you said something really stupid, which is that people just want to fuck autistic people. That's what the whole premise of Forrest Gump is, dude. That's totally... He's not wrong.

No. All right, I gotta take an L on this one. All right, you know what, Tom? You don't have to pay me back for that Benadryl I got you for your basement apnea. Raven. All right. Who's up? I am.

Here's a worse version of a joke Gareth already did. Donald Trump has officially endorsed accused pedophile Roy Moore's Senate bid. Trump says he's just sticking to his campaign promise to make America grope again. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I only wrote five, and when you did yours, I'm like, ah, well, I'm fucked. I know. I'd make America grape once more.

People say that Trump's son-in-law is the one who instructed Michael Flynn to discuss sanctions with Russia. In other words, Russia has grabbed Trump by the cushy. What an adorable way to phrase the death of democracy. Pretty goddamn good, Gareth. I love it. A beanie baby of a political joke. A statue of Jesus had a message

stored in Christ's butt. People were even more shocked when the note read, I am a homosexual. No straight man has ever been this obsessed with wine. Damn. Amazingly, that was a pretty good shot. That was good. And all the hallmarks of it was going to catch on fire.

I finally understand why women want to fuck you. Shut the fuck up, Tom it all right everybody the mean boys by guess we'll be right back after this holy shit oh dear all right everybody christmas is just around the corner and imagine the look on your loved one's face when your voice starts to sound disgusting for no reason what happened i don't know dude i think he tried to plug the swedish efficiency of studio headphones that on your loved one's face when your voice starts to sound disgusting for no reason. What happened? I don't know, dude. You tried to plug the Swedish efficiency of studio headphones and somehow turned it into the baby from Roger Rabbit. If only Switzerland made lungs.

If only Switzerland was Sweden. Good point. Studio headphones are the number one headphones of mean boys, for sure. Yeah. And, dude, if you have some studio headphones on Christmas, they come in a sexy box and you've got open it up and it the box fits very tightly you know like all expensive boxes do so you just and you feel that smooth cardboard you know it's all packed in there intricately and neatly there's all these little accessories and cords and stuff you can pull them out and look at them and they're real sexy and cool everybody wants an expensive tight

swedish box yeah and they do look super fucking... I mean, not expensive, but high quality. They look like they should cost like $500, but they can be yours with the promo code MeBoys15 for 15% off with free shipping around the globe. So you know what? Get these in time for Christmas. Fucking put a smile on your special someone's face. Hell yeah, dude. And enjoy that tangle-y, not tangle-y, tangle-free cord, the Bluetooths.

You can't tangle space electricity. That doesn't get tangled. This is one of the most incoherent promos we've ever cut. Yeah, man. Space electricity. That's what Tom held back for. Yeah, the dudes at the studio were like, can you send us one of your ad reads?

You guys are doing great with sales. And I was like, nah, no. You can find them yourself. So head on over to studiosweden.com. The link is in the show notes and get some fucking headphones for Christmas

or the other ones. Quong! Previously on The Omega Tom. A plague killed most of the human race. Those who survived were either turned into bloodthirsty cannibal mutants

or forced to fight for their survival. Tom Goss was recruited by a ragtag team of survivors, Plucky Scavenger Rocket and her muscle, Bruiser. His house overrun by mutants, Tom set out on the road to a CDC safe zone somewhere in Arizona. But would they arrive in one piece? From the Mean Boys podcast, this is The Omega Tom, Chapter 3.

Bunker, I Barely Know Her. As the sun rose over the horizon, Rocket drove a stolen El Camino down a desolate freeway. Dead cars littered the road, the decomposing bodies of their drivers rotting silently behind the wheel. Bruiser sat in the back, silently praying to a god that had clearly abandoned them. And in the passenger seat, Tom Goss slept, fitful and restless. I don't know. I don't want to go to boat school. Who died and made you the

Pope of Squirrels? Are you okay? Yeah. How long was I out for? Like eight minutes. You have a nightmare or something? No, I don't dream. I just sleep violently. Okay. Arizona's about six hours east. We'll have to figure out

gas at some point, but we should be good for a while. Yeah, and then what? We don't even know where in Arizona this safe zone is. Or if it's even still there. You got a better idea? I'm just saying. Yeah, well, quit saying and start counting bullets. So, uh, how do you two know each other? I found

Bruiser fighting ten mutants in an alley with nothing but a tire iron. Figured we'd be better off working together. I'm fast. He's strong. It's a good situation. Oh, okay. I thought maybe you were dating. Nah, I got a wife. Well, I had a wife. She, uh, she didn't make it. Only good

thing about fighting these monsters is that as long as I'm caving in their skulls, I don't have to see her face in my head. The way she begged me to save her when they tore her apart. All I can see is her face. All I can hear is her voice. All I can feel is the way my fingers used to feel running through her hair. But when I'm fighting, I don't feel anything

except rage. And I'm worried one of these days I'll forget how to feel anything else. Yeah, hair is great. So, uh, do you have a dead boyfriend? Nah. Not my style. So, uh, do you have a dead boyfriend? Nah, not my style. Oh, are you a lesbian? Should have figured out on account of those boots and, uh, the confidence.

Nah, I'm just a loner. I've always taken care of myself because myself is the only person I can count on, you know? Yeah, I get that. I'm a real lone wolf, too. That's what my friends and family are always telling me when we hang out. Uh, mind if we pull over? I got a drained old penis if you catch my drift. So what do you think of the new guy?

Yeah, he's real dumb. Like, medically dumb. Don't know how much use he'll be in a fight, and he's about as stealthy as a flaming bag of dog shit. He keeps saying he's surprisingly discreet for his size, but I don't buy it. Still, there's something about him I can't put my finger on. You like him. What? No. No, I don't. Fuck you. You like him.

I can see it in your eyes. Yeah, shut up. I don't like anybody. Okay, sure you don't. Yeah, whatever. Cram it up your dead wife's butt, dipshit. That seems harsh. Oh, man, that't. Yeah, whatever. Cram it up your dead wife's butt, dipshit. That seems harsh. Oh, man, that was a lot of piss. Oh, hey, I brought you guys stuff. Here, I found this flower.

It's pretty, and you're pretty, so I thought you guys would get along. Ooh, pretty flower for a pretty lady. Yeah, fuck you. Thanks, Tom. It was growing on one of those stabby trees. You mean a cactus? I don't know. I'm not a bush lady. Yeah, fuck you. Thanks, Tom. I was growing on one of those stabby trees. You mean a cactus? I don't know. I'm not a bush doctor. Also, I found this. Ugh, what the

fuck is that? It's most of a coyote. I figured we could turn this into food. I know you guys like eating food. Remember? That's how we met. Man, that was a crazy day. That was today. Yeah, Tom, that was like 40 minutes ago. Yeah, we were just like

kids then. Crazy how fast time flies. Did you eat lead paint as a child? Nah, I'm a vegetarian. Hey, maybe you're not so useless after all. Alright, get in the car. We gotta get- Whoa, wait a minute. What is that? Just past the stab you tree is lied what appeared to be a collapsed human form, motionless

in the baking sun. Then in the quiet desert air, a voice. Help! Somebody help me! Oh shit, that dead guy's an alive guy. Leave him, we gotta go. She's right, there's nothing we can do for him. Don't leave me, please! Hang on, that seems like something a dick would do.

I'm not a dick, and you guys don't seem like dicks. Yeah, maybe he's right. If we're not gonna act like humans, are we really that different than those mutants? Yeah, plus if he sucks, we can turn him into food, too. Oh my god, man, what is wrong with you? Oh, oh, are we not doing that? Sorry, I don't know the apocalypse rules yet.

Come on, let's go get him. Hey, man, you okay? Thank you. Can you walk? I think so. This guy's gonna be great on the team. Tom. He's British, so that means he's probably smart and good at magic, like Harry Potter or the Queen.

Tom. We know he's good at laying down, standing up, presumably other stuff. Tom! See? He's even got his own gun. Ow! Fuck you, dick. That's where my teeth are. All of you, hands behind your head. On your knees. Shit, we left the guns in the car.

Now! Terribly sorry about the handcuffs, everybody, but we can't have you making any poor decisions and getting yourselves killed before I've been compensated. Bad for business, you understand? Son of a bitch! We stopped to help you and you're gonna rob us? Don't be silly, young lady. This is not a robbery. Well, then what do you understand? Son of a bitch! We stopped to help you and you're gonna rob us? Don't be silly, young lady. This is not a robbery.

Well, then what do you want? What does anybody want, my dear? To survive. Cued by the gunshot, three motorcycles came hurtling across the desert toward Tom and his companions. Each bike a black, screaming death machine. And each emblazoned in messy red paint with one word. Murder. Tom, Rocket, and Bruiser watched helplessly as they drew nearer,

each driven by a hulking man in a leather jacket and a spiked helmet. I must admit, I do feel a bit guilty, misleading you and all. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Who are you? Oh, I'm sorry. How rude. Allow me to introduce myself. I am nobody.

And I am whatever you need me to be. A muscle, or a brain, or a weasel, or a snake. Whatever keeps me safe and fed. Well, fuck you very much, Mr. Nobody. Who are they? Oh, them? Well, they'd be the murder brothers. The clenched right fist of the sovereign garbage king. Oscar the Grouch. What?

No. Do you guys know what he's talking about, or am I having a stroke? Or what's going on here? The motorcycles rolled to a stop, and the largest of the drivers dismounted. Do you guys know what he's talking about, or am I having a stroke? Or what's going on here? The motorcycles rolled to a stop, and the largest of the drivers dismounted. He paced towards them, towering over their kneeling frames, staring down at his captives with dead, gray eyes. He'll be very pleased with today's catch, don't you agree, Murder Dave? I told you that was a good name.

Look weak, tired, not last long. With all due respect, David. Not David. Murder Dave. Yes, well, be that as it may, you're hard-pressed to find better specimens in this neck of the woods, and Lord knows if you return empty-handed, he'll be quite displeased. And you remember what happened to the last of your ilk that disappointed the garbage king. Rest in power, Murder Jeff. Two cans food for each.

I've been a faithful servant, have I not? Surely I've earned a raise. This not negotiation. Deal not change. Murder boys take. Mr. Nobody get four cans food. Final offer. Far be it for me to question your mathematical competence, but I believe you mean six cans of food. No. Bruiser! No! Ah, gross. His eyeballs went in my mouth. Up. Now. What are you taking us?

We go trash bunker. You entertain King. I can do that. Can I get a two-minute light? I'm working on a new bit about how I don't trust park rangers, so this will be a good place to work it out. Fuck! Sure wish everyone would stop gun-punching me in the mouth today. Murder Dave effortlessly lifted both of their restrained bodies, setting them on the motorcycles of his cohorts, Murder Pete and Murder Ken. Okay. The bad news is, wherever these guys are taking us is going to suck, probably. The good news is, I've never ridden a motorcycle before.

It was on my bucket list, so all in all, I'm giving today a C+. This is bad, Tom. What are we going to do? I don't know, but I have to pee again. You no talk. You quiet or you bleed. Well, somebody just sassed their way into a back full of piss. Ah, fat boy make piss on Murder Pete.

Yeah, whatever. What are you going to do? Pistol whip me in the... Fuck! Everything tastes like petties. I'm demoting today to a C-. Murder Brothers, we ride to Trash Bunker. Held captive by the Murder Brothers,

Tom and Rocket hurtled across the desert towards the trash bunker. Who was the garbage king? What did he have in store for them? Would Tom regret pissing his pants now that he had to ride in his own filth for three hours? Yes. Find out more. Wait, what? You can hear me? Yeah, of course. You're loud as shit. Who are you talking to?

Oh, well, uh, not sure how that's happening. But I guess we'll figure it out in episode four of The Omega Talk, A rock and a tart place. And the Mean Boys podcast returns with the return of a fan favorite game. This is Tom Tomperty. And basically what this is, we play a game on the show sometimes called the Tom Lightning Round, where we ask Tom to describe very basic concepts, some examples. He once referred to God, or the devil, as edgy God. He called overalls shoulder pants just last week.

That is fucking gold. And love was described as horny fear. You can't beat shoulder pants. Shoulder pants, I am not exaggerating. A minute and a half standing ovation at the last show we did. Shoulder pants. I am not exaggerating. A minute and a half standing ovation at the last show we did. Shoulder pants is dynamite.

Yeah. And my favorite of all time is Back to the Future. I think it's like butterfly effect where someone's trying to fuck his mom.

You should see the movie. And you weren't wrong. Yeah, neither have I. So what we've done is Tom has reverse engineered this into basically a game of

Jeopardy where he's going to give us categories. He's going to give his descriptions of basic things that we have to try and figure out what he's doing.

Connor, do you want to keep score? Yeah, sure. Cool. And basically the way we do it, he'll read the category. First one to raise

their hand gets the guess. He's sort of the judge of all of this. Tom, what are the categories for Tom Topper today? This week's category

are vices. Okay. God damn it. Tom is trying and failing to understand how to use a notebook. Vices, plants, ideologies, and video games. Dynamite already. Vices.

Just the way you categorize things is... Efficient. All righty. Someone's mad living. Holy shit. All right. Gareth and Jithias, as you can pick first. Where are we going?

Tom, I'm going to go with Plants for 100, please. Plants for 100. And it's just, if you know it, raise your hand. Okay. All right. Potted Stabews. Keith. What is a cactus?

Points. Damn. Keith is way too good at this. Well, what's really funny is that is a joke from a sketch that I wrote That's airing right before this bit That you have not read yet The joke is that he calls a cactus a stab you bush Wow

That's fucking insane I don't like how much you're channeling me Keith controls the board Let's go plants for two Plants for two Plant basic bitch Let's go plants for two. Plants for two. Plant basic bitch. Connor.

What is an orchid? It was flowers. Points. Okay. A little too specific, but we will take it. The answers are in. There we go. I'm for sure one of these plants is just going to be a rock.

They're on the ground. I figured they grew there. I didn't know how they worked. Connor controls the board. All right. You know what? I'm I didn't know how they worked. Connor controls the board. I'm going to go vices for 100. Vices for 100. Fuck air. Smoking.

Points. Vices for 2. I'm learning the language a little here. It takes a few to get the rhythm. Vices for 200. Sipping awesomeness. What is drinking? Correct. Okay.

Gary's getting shut out here. Shut up, Keith. I want to roll. Vices for three. Vices for 300. Mega sleep. Sleeping pills? No.

What is heroin? No. Oh, shit. That was going to be mine. What is fucking Oxycontin? I don't know. Points. Oh, shit. That was going to be mine. What is fucking Oxycontin? I don't know. Points. Oh, great.

That is heroin. I feel like I should get, but yeah, you know. I'm taking the points. I'll give it to you. Well, yeah, yeah. Let's just even it out a little. There's nothing worse than raising your hand and then realizing, oh, no, I've overcommitted. Yeah, I know.

Yeah. I was like, I got to be aggressive. What is he talking about? Let's get off vices. Let's go ideologies for 100. Ideologies for 100. Everyone break stuff. What is anarchy? Points.

Wow. Dude, I got the perfect not good amount of sleep last night to win this game. Five and a half hours, I am razor sharp for Tom Tomperdy. You know what? Ideologies for 200. Ideologies for 200. Ideologies for 200.

Take all the shit. Capitalism? Incorrect. That was going to be my guess. No one else? What is socialism? Nope. I thought Tom got all conservative

all of a sudden. Nope. Keith? I already asked. Oh, it was fascism. Oh. Kind of works. Yeah. They all kind of work.

I was like, does Tom think there's something called steelism? That's when you build a building. Does he think theft is an ideology? It's a robberalism. Black Friday. All right, well, I guess I'm back on the board. I'll go ideology for three. Ideology for 300.

Oh, fuck. I put the same one twice. Okay. So we're going to go to 400. Fascism? That's correct. Yay! It's on the board.

All right. Gareth gets 300 points. We're going to go straight to 400. Fuck you. I do what I want. How is that not anarchy? I got nothing. I got nothing, Tom.

What is Mexico? Correct answer is what is freedom? Freedom is not... I guess it kind of is. Okay. It's Tom's world. We're just playing, guys. Come on.

The ocean has a drain. Deal with it. The ocean has a drain. Rocks are plants. All right. Just because I know it's going to be even worse than all the other ones and I don't want to be annoyed, I'll just get all the annoyed out of the way. I'll do ideologies for 500.

Hoard all the money. Capitalism. Points. Ah annoyed out of the way. I'll do ideologies for 500. Hoard all the money. Capitalism. Points. Hey, Gareth with a juicy 500-point fucking entry onto the board. All right, Gareth controls the board. I want to go back to vices for 400, please, Tom. Vices for 400. Super mega sleep.

That'd be heroin. Correct. That was an order. God, you're doing a lot of weird technicality bullshit in this game that I don't care for The computer has gone self aware Super duper Okay fentanyl Tom it's fentanyl Advices for 500

Super Adderall Cocaine Nope Meth Correct God motherfucking son of a bitch I like that all your drugs are just other drugs. Video games for one.

Video games for 100. I'm going to be terrible at this one. Walking Mouth. Pac-Man. Son of a bitch. Boom, bitches. Get out of the way. Hang on.

Okay, oh yeah, you have the board. I do. I'll go video games for two. Can I preemptively guess what the answer to this is? Yes, absolutely. Ms. Pac-Man. No. I thought it was going to be girl walking mouth.? Yes, absolutely. Ms. Pac-Man. No. I thought it was going to be girl walking mouth.

I don't know. You could take a stab at it. The hint is shoot foreigners. Call of Duty? Points. Capitalism? That's all I got. Capitalism or? The freedom according to us. Video games for three.

Video games for 300. Video games for 300. Shoot aliens. Oh. Halo? Points. I feel bad about how well I'm doing. Yeah, this is the only time you've ever crushed this game. Yeah.

Video games for 400. Embrace it. Video games for 400? That's what you need. Five and a half hours sleep and you can think like Tom. You can play Tom Brady. I don't understand why women want to fuck me either. Me neither.

For 400, trans sword lady boy. Hang on. Trans sword. Legend of Zelda? Correct. What is going on? Tom, Link just has long hair. You think everyone who has long hair is transgender?

No, no, no. Some people think it's a girl. Some people think it's a girl. Some people think it's a dude. No, everyone is pretty clear the fact that Link is a boy. I think some people is you. Well, it's a good thing it's Tom Pretty. You can't be that mad. You got it immediately.

Alex Trebek could never editorialize. Video games for $500. Video games for $500. Video games for $500. Video game Pro Bowl. Video game Pro Bowl? Gareth was first. Madden? No.

That was exactly my guess. This is going to be something stupid. Starcraft? No, I don't know what that is. What is it? No need for the attitude. DigCraft? No, I don't know what that is. What is it? No need for the attitude. Dig Dug? It was Super Smash Bros.

Oh, fuck. Oh, okay. All right. You know what's great is in this game, you do phrase your answers like questions, but just because you're so puzzled as to what it could be. Yeah, fucking shoes? Shoes.

All right. Connor saws a board. I'll go Plants All right. Connor saw his board. I'll go plants for three. Plants for 300. Plants. Now that we're in it, the fact that plants is a category is unreal. Plants. Just plants.

You eat my cum plant. What? You eat my cum plant? I know this, and I'm mad at you. It's a maple tree. No. Oh, what? It's a Venus flytrap.

No. Oh. You eat my cum plant? Yes. Like cum, like cum. Yes. Okay. I just wanted to make sure.

Have you cum in a Venus flytrap? I thought he had. Answer me right now. Pine tree? No, it was a fruit tree. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. Syrup is much more like cum than fruit.

Fuck you. Oh, my God. Bro. I thought it was clever. Some of these peaches are overripe. Oh, yeah. Tom thinks you can fuck them. The host of Tom Brady was here.

All right. Plants for five. Plants for five. Okay. Skipping four. Office job tree. Fern? No. Ficus.

Correct. Fuck. One of those. Calling it a tree is a little misleading. Well. It technically is a tree. Correct. One of those. Calling it a tree is a little misleading. It technically is a tree. Ficus tree. Technically, that could be a you eat my cum tree. Harvey Weinstein's?

Alright, I looked it up because I wanted to shit on you, but it is actually a tree. I was real excited to be like, well, actually, okay, let's just do plants for four. Okay, I'm not gay food. I'm not gay food? What? Straight.

What? I'm not gay food. A vegetable? Correct. What? Wow. That's not a fruit. You really doubled down on this fruit thing.

I mean, that should count double for that guess. Yeah, I love that half of the plant category was kind of a hate crime. Yeah. Republicans keep me alive food. A vegetable, I guess. Yeah, shabobaries. In this game? Okay.

So is that it? I think that's the board. That's the board. And we've got to go final time pretty. What's the score so far? Because this is the last one. All right. Looks like I have 500, 600, 700, 900, 1200,

1600, 2100. Gareth, pulling up the rear of the strong, 500. Here we go, that feels good. Keith, 13, 14, 1800, or 1700. Okay, well it couldn't matter less. I wager everything. I wager everything to make it interesting. One dollar.

We gotta both get it wrong just so Gareth can win. I'm really hoping for the Hail Mary. Okay, so the category is event. Genius. The hint is man mash. Event man mash. Let me know when you guys all have man mash.

Now, does Tom know that TV show? Well, event is so broad where it could be like a public thing or it could just be anything that has ever happened. Man Mash. I have a theory. I think I know what mine is. Okay, I'm locked in. Okay, I got it.

Okay, I'm in. All right. What do you got? WrestleMania. Mosh Pit. All right. What do you got? WrestleMania. Mosh pit. Gay pride. The correct answer was Super Bowl. Gareth wins.

Math is stupid. Tom is dumber. And the New Boys podcast will be right back. One correct answer. The new champion. I think that was the most aggravating game of Tomperdy we ever played we'll give you a no kyle canade was really mad at you yeah he really was he really really was we'll send you home with the belt he likes me it's tom's only belt so just please take care of it it's a little bay yeah all right guys we'll be

right back oh ho ho ho bowl of meat enwrapped with a tortilla. Delicious. Don Carlo's Taco Shop provides all those things. Get it in a bowl. Get it in a tortilla. Put it in your face. Chew it with your face. Digest it with your organs.

Shit it out and do it again. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. Go to eataborito.com and enjoy that savory meat face fucking you to orgasming with your belly. Oh, I ran out of steam there. Gifts for everyone, especially from Don Carlos Taco Shop

in La Jolla, California. Ho, ho, ho. Hey, Burrito Santa is permanently fired. That is never happening again. Oh, no. Ho, ho. Oh, ho, ho, no. All right, everybody.

The Mean Boys Podcast is back to play a round of our favorite game, which is the following. Hey. Hey. Hey. favorite game, which is the following? Hey! Hey! Tom didn't write this one, so there will be some semblance of reality. You'll have a fighting shot at victory. Let's not forget that I won Tom Pretty.

He did. You guys can talk all the shit you want. I had a little thing me and Tom like to call strategery. We're strategiological. Yeah, we're strategical. Yeah, that's the one that's above the atmosphere,

like the super atmosphere. Yeah, that white girl magic shit. Yeah. And the exodome, you know, and then you're in space town. Near the N-word hole. That's after the

allegations come out. That's where we're putting all of Quentin Tarantino's DVDs Down the inward hole They'll be erased Like 1984 This week's game comes to us

From one of our favorite listeners Paul Korn He writes Hey there mean boys I've been planning to submit An Amazon erotica quiz for a few weeks Because my wife actually reads A lot of them as a hobby

Nice And even though somebody Already beat me to it There are more than enough titles To go around Honestly I could get two or three more quizzes out of this stuff We found over the course of a half an hour So let's begin

These are people that write Amazon erotic self-published novels Truly fucking inane As you'll see Round number one Which of the following is a real Amazon erotica novel? A. I'm gay from my living billionaire jet plane B. Seduced by Dr. Bigfoot Attorney at large

Attorney at large. Attorney at large? This is an article Sworn wrote after matching with Tinder on Tom. C. Pounded by the handsome zombie elevator who is also a lawyer. Dude, shut up, everybody. Wait, it's a zombie elevator or a zombie in an elevator? It just says zombie elevator. I think maybe it's a haunted elevator. Or D. Pounded in the ass by Tom Cruise's The Mummy.

Very specific about which mummy. Which one of these is real? Yeah, which one of these is fake? Three of those are real. Which one of these is fake? Yeah, three of these are real. Three of those exist on Earth. Oh, my God.

The elevator one is so stupid, it has to be real. Yeah, I don't know. There's so many moving parts. I don't think this guy has enough concussions to come up with that himself. This is like watching Tom meet a different Tom. Just like two dogs at a dog park sniffing each other. I like the smell of him.

I would love to do a Star Trek mirror universe where you meet you with just a goatee. I love reading, but it's never made me horny. I don't get why people fucking read these. When Tom says he loves reading, I'm just picturing him in a leather-bound chair at a nice study just looking at a

box of Nutter Butters reading the word Nutter and Butter. 2400 calories? I love reading. Dude, what's a Calori? I believe it's pronounced either Calori or Calori. Have you seen that new book, Ding Dong?

They're adapting it into a snack. I love these neuter brooders. 43 faturated sets. I took my faturated SATs. I got a bad score. But how many calories are from sugar? That's the question. This is the sugarian calorie. It's very exotic. Corn syrup. That's the question. This is the Sugarian Calory.

It's very exotic. They got corn syrup. That ain't good. I'm going to say D, Pounding in the Ass by Tom Cruise is the mommy. It's the fake one. Gear Bear.

I'm going to go with the elevator one, even though it's crazy. I think that's a flag. What was A? A was I'm gay for my living billionaire jet plane. I'm going to go with that one. That's a pretty good one, too. Yeah, the guy is fucking his sentient plane.

Which is also a dude, apparently. Because he bought the plane. I'm going to go with that one. It's a pretty good one. Yeah, the guy is fucking his sentient plane. Which is also a dude, apparently. Because he bought the plane. Is he rich? Is he like a is that a plane a sex slave then? Someone else has jets. Put your finger guns back in their holsters where they belong. The fake one is D. Pounded in the ass by Tom Cruise's The Mummy.

Nobody saw Tom Cruise's The Mummy. They couldn't get the copyrights. I thought it was that fucking George of the Jungle guy who was The Mummy. Nobody saw Tom Cruise's The Mummy. They couldn't get the copyrights. I thought it was that fucking George of the Jungle guy who was The Mummy. That's a different mummy. That would not be Tom Cruise's The Mummy. When was he The Mummy? Tom Cruise?

Yeah. Recently. Like, this year. Oh, why would people watch that? Did you think George of the Jungle? Did you think Tom Cruise was in George of the Jungle? No, he's thinking of Brendan Fraser.

Also, Brendan Fraser would be really happy to know that that was his legacy. Watch out for that naked lady. It's Tom Cruise's George of the Jungle. He's very afraid of them. Watch out for reality. Oh, no.

Round number two, which is the funniest and real Amazon erotica novel. A, Pounded by PlayStation VR. Pounded is not a good verb. And it comes up a lot. No, I don't think any woman wants to get pounded. I mean, agree to disagree, but like... I'm just saying. Be conquered by Clippy.

Oh, my God. That is the Microsoft Word helper. What word would you say they would want to be? I know she's trying to come. Can I help with this? Women like to be turned out. That's the way they like to... It's a very sensual...

No, turned out is probably the worst. See... I don't know. Knocking the bottom out might be the worst. Oh, yeah. You've been saying that quite a bit lately. Yeah, it'sual sound. Yeah. No, turned out is probably the worst. C. I don't know. Knocking the bottom out might be the worst. Yeah, you've been saying that quite a bit lately. Yeah, it's pretty funny. Yeah. C.

Taken by the Tetris blocks. Getting fucked by Tetris blocks. Oh, no. I've been waiting for that long straight one the whole time. Yeah, yeah. You're just building the side ones up until that long little one. Exactly, yeah. Oh, the zigzag one again.

Okay. Oh, there's a big long black one. Keep it away from the butt. Away from the butt. Or D. Rammed by the reviews for this book. What a really meta title. Charlie Kaufman is writing Amazon Erotica. Already predicting

his poor reception. God damn. Clippy is so funny. Conquered by Clippy. Is that the paper clip on the old computers? I'm going to say Conquered by Clippy. Looks like you're trying to get away. What's the first one?

The first one is Pounded by PlayStation VR. And what's the meta one? Rammed by the reviews for this book. I'm going to go with that. How do you get Pounded by VR? It's an intangible dimension. I'm going to figure there's some How do you get pounded by VR? It's an intangible dimension. I'm going to figure there's some kind of lady that hosts the PlayStation. Dude, you never saw The Matrix?

I mean, that's a good point, unfortunately. Neo fucked chicks in The Matrix. It's true. I'm going to go VR. You fucked one chick and it was outside of The Matrix. I've talked myself into it. Yeah. I'm going A.

I'm going to be so mad if Tom is right. Get ready to get mad. It's A. Pounded by PlayStation VR. All hail Neo. No. No. Absolutely not. The honor reefs. To get pounded by PlayStation VR, you've got to put on the meat goggles. Round number three. A.

Oregon Patriots occupied my butt. B. Cuckolded in Charlottesville. Good for you, dude. I didn't know you booked that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on a veil. All right.

Cuckolded by Charlottesville. That's B. C, womanized by Idris Elba playing James Bond. Okay. Who is Idris Elba? Yeah, yeah. Who's fucking Ernie Elbows or whatever? He's a black actor.

Some people want to be the new James Bond. No. Yeah. I tweeted this recently. Keyword, some people. White people just suggest Idris Elba for every part because they're just like, we have a black friend. Yeah, that's very true. He's the only guy they know.

Yeah. Or D, humping the ham bandit. Wow. Is there a ham bandit? Why are you looking at me like that? You've got to know him. The ham bandit is like what they call the Hamburglar in some countries. He has a different name. I've got to bring in my grandfather's drawing of the Hamburglar he did for McDonald's.

Because he actually was an artist. I want to put up one of your sentences. It's not actually true. He reacted. It was like, interesting. there's Canadians, really? Oh, that's in the early draft of Pulp Fiction. You know what they called a Hamburglar out in Sweden? Ham Bandit.

Ham Bandit. Ham Bandit Jones. Dude, the Ham Bandit. What do you think, Clam Bandit? I banded ham sometimes, too. I'm going to say it real quick one more time. Oregon Patriots occupied my butt, cuckolded in Charlottesville,

womanized by Idris Elba playing James Bond, or humping the ham bandit? Cuckolded in Charlottesville. I think that was too recent for them to have already written a book about it. I think you're underestimating the turnover time. I feel like Idris Elba James Bond was pretty new, too. Idris Elba James Bond has been for years. Oh, really? Okay. I honestly don't think any what James Bond was pretty new too, but I just know what James Bond has been for years. Oh really?

Okay. I honestly don't think any of these authors spent more than two hours on these books. Yeah. Probably true. Uh, I'm going to hand bend it. Yeah.

Okay. I'm, I'm, I'm kind of, I'm, I'm debating a and D. Uh, and now the movie's ready to begin.

A. It's D. The HXIQ of 38. It's B. Cuckolded in Charlottesville. Keith Carey is on the board. You're always pretty good at the whole, like, moving on. Didn't know where I was going with this.

You had so much time to put forth no information. I'm just learning from the best. All right. Tom is not your get out of jail free card for everything. Why do we have him on the show then? All right. Touche. I don't know.

I'm fucking kidding, Dan. Hey, he's back. I'm going to Postmates us some biscuits. For the record, we should announce it because we didn't do it earlier. This is Tom's first episode as an official Mean Boys. I feel like I've been an official Mean Boys. I know, but we're... So do I, but we never declared it. We're claiming it. You made a whole big thing about it yesterday.

No, Mo Mandel made a whole big thing about it. I didn't make a big thing about it. I thought you wanted to occupy like a sweaty d'Artagnan role. But you know what? You're in. Alright, next round. Round number four. Chuck Tingle's sexy abstract concepts. I refuse to know what that means. That is the author, I guess.

This is his series. A, pounded in the butt by the sentient manifestation of my own ignorant climate change denial. B, pounded in the butt by the handsome physical manifestation of holiday shopping. Wow. C, pounded in the butt by the physical manifestation of the gay globalist agenda. It's a shame Joe's not on the show sometimes. Or D, the handsome physical manifestation of autumn turns me

gay. Wait, this is all real or all fake? These are, one of these is fake. I get the feeling this Chuck Tingle fella is insufferable in real life. I bet he thinks he's so funny and he's so not. Can I hear B and C? Pounded in the butt by the handsome physical manifestation

of holiday shopping, that's B. Or C, pounded in the butt by the handsome physical manifestation of holiday shopping. That's B. Or C, pounded in the butt by the physical manifestation of the gay globalist agenda. Tom, you just heard it. Tell me what B was. Something about a gay agenda. I'm going to go B. That was C. I'm going C.

Keith Carey. Fucking A. C. Okay, cool. Felt a little on the nose. Yeah. We're all a little just annoyed by these people now. Yeah.

Jesus. It's kind of overridden the whimsy. We need to write an Amazon erotic book. Like, if you can self promote them, the Mean Boys can write one. Yeah, we could probably get on the charts, I feel like. Karnak the Pump Feaster? Yeah, Tom Goss gets a shoe pregnant. Number one for a fifth week in the room.

Yeah, Tom fucking corks up the hole in the bottom of the sea. That's it. We're writing a neurotic novel about Tom fucking Earth via the Mariana's Trench. Yeah, you got to get him down to the base of the ocean. Just in like a submarine with James Cameron being delivered to the problem area. David Attenborough's there. He's almost inside it. There's a lug with a pole in deep in the hole in the hole in the bottom of the sea.

Cha-cha-cha. Run number five. All real or all fake. Fake news, real boners. B, chef. I said chef. God damn it, Tom. Why am I being blamed for this?

Because I've got to figure it's contagious. I've got to figure those basement pathogens are being airborne transmitted to me. I rented the basement from you. Tom is airborne. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom is airborne. Oh, I just saw the Twitter moment. I got to wish my loved ones well before we all go. B, Chef Wooly Mammoth eats my butt.

Wow, that's a great one. C, Sex Boat, an erotic novella about sex, parentheses, on a boat. D, my ass is haunted by the gay unicorn colonel. Jesus. It's so just... Real. I got to It's so just... Real. I gotta figure there's just...

It's... I don't feel like there's a lot of... I don't feel like these are very sincere. Yeah. I kinda hate art that's bad

just for the sake of being bad. Yeah. Who's jerking off to any of these? And you know what? I think I've decided that I am better

than Amazon Erotica originally. Here we go. We're seeing if these are all real or fake. Yeah, all real or all fake. I think they're all fake as well. Tommy Gus.

I said they were real. Those are all real. Son of a bitch. We can go read about a woolly mammoth that's a cook eating your butt. A cook and a cuck. I hope you're real proud of yourself, dude. He's the head chef. Yeah.

Rim job woolly. You said that like it was a reference to a thing. Rim job bully. Didn't your grandpa draw a rim job bully? That's Tom's new name on the show, for sure. He's always just licking butts and stealing hamburgers. Oh, no. It's a hamburger, but he's just stealing them on the way out.

He's a hand band. You know what that is? Oh, yeah. That's like a little plastic case that has a drawing of General Zahn. You just use the magnetic filings with your little pen. Like a willy-willy? To give it whatever kind of pubic stylings. I'm doing an upside-down cross right above the clan. Candle bars, classy.

All right, we'll be right back with the Mean Boys mailbag and plugs and all that good stuff right after this. All right, gang, listen up. Take a knee. As you know, it's time for the Special Olympics weigh-ins. And every year, the committee disqualifies athletes deemed not special enough to compete. We've worked too hard for this. I need a crayon in every nose and a shit in every pants. Devin, your haircut looks too even.

Samantha, hit it with the scissors. Random angles. Keep that mouth open, Jared. And do that thing where you look in three different directions while also not looking at anything. Kevin, you buttoned that shirt correctly, and I'm proud of you. Now take it off and put it back on inside out. Remember what we practiced. Pants all the way down at the urinal, guys. Every gold medal is a badge of honor for this team, and they're all filled with delicious milk chocolate.

Now there's no I in special, okay? Remember that. Spell it with a U or something. You can get disqualified for good spelling. All right, everybody. Ice cream on three. One, two, three. And the Mean Boys podcast returns for the Mean Boys mailbag. Thank you to everybody who's been tweeting and emailing questions in to us. Our first question today comes from Hendrik Pestenink in Germany.

First of all, he asks, will you guys ever do a show in Germany? The answer, probably no. Probably not, in theory. I don't foresee a world where, you know, whoever's popular enough. Yeah, it would be you and then just a bunch of very confused German people. Yeah, it would be you,

several stragglers from Craigslist, your friends. I would love to. I mean, maybe someday. We'll get there. Yeah, I've always wanted to. Do it and write it off. Yeah, I guess we could probably do that.

Has the dollar been run in Germany? Gareth, you think we pay taxes. It's adorable, huh? Yeah, we went to Iceland. That's right, yeah. We're going to Thailand this summer. Oh, fuck yeah. Nice, dude. The dollop hangover. I would love to go to Europe.

I'd love to tour just stand-up-wise through Europe or something. Yeah, from what I hear, if you tell them you're American, you just can make a bunch of money. But I don't know. I feel like that's a trick. Yeah. I feel like it's a bunch of lonely European comics spreading that rumor so that I'm so tired of talking to these people.

We need a friend. There's like eight German comedians. They all suck. Jesse Wagner sent this from email. Hello from Minnesota Been a big fan Since the Good, the Mean, And the Rad episode

Figured I'd throw A couple questions As well as a Patreon donation To grease the axle On the burning car wreck That will be Snark Week I love the poetic way That people mock us

That's the tone We get in a lot of our emails We love you Also fuck yourself So she has two questions Easy one What's your favorite band Right now?

Still in a pretty big Misfits kick Yeah I turn you on to the Misfits Which is weird to do to an adult I feel like that's a band you shouldn't discover After you're 14 years old You know man I got bills and all this shit For the first time in my life I gotta just be 16 and horny sometimes

When I'm at the gym What about you? Can I say Run the Jewels? Yeah Why would I say no? I don't know. I don't know. Band sometimes doesn't feel like it translates to hip-hop as much.

Yeah, I think it's the same. It's two guys. No, Run the Jewels is my favorite. Yeah, they're fucking great. I can't stop. Yeah. I've been listening to a lot of different stuff, but Tom Waits and the Pixies. Yeah.

Mishka Shubali. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, but that's very... Yeah, no, Mishka Shubali sick right now? Oh, yeah. No, but that's very... Yeah, no. Mishka Shubali for sure. Yeah. You can say his name perfectly, but 3 a.m. Impossible.

Mishka Shubali crushed it. First try. If you're a depressed alcoholic or used to drink too much, listen to Coward's Path as you weep to sleep. It is a great album. It's a weird Pfizer commercial. Weep sleep, yeah. The side effects may includeep to sleep. It is a great album. It's a weird Pfizer commercial. Weep sleep, yeah. Side effects may include weeping sleep.

Take yourself an anti-hero Ambien and go to bed too late. Tom has the weirdest musical taste because he's either into this super depressing just like a drunk at a piano music or he's into weird synthy pop music. There's no in-between. And rap.

He got me back into Starfucker, which is a band that never existed. I just found them. Yeah. No, they're fucking great. You guys know Starfucker? Yeah. No, these two.

They're good. They're good. Ronald Gregory Johnson something. Nope, everything you're saying is wrong. I suppose so, right? You're saying words. That's what matters. Jesse Wagner also asks,

what is your secret or open kink? Any weird sex thing you're into? I'm pretty vanilla. I don't know. I like butts. Butts is not a kink. That's probably the closest thing. Somebody posted a screenshot.

They were on Tinder and they ran into a guy who said, yeah, I have a boob fetish. I'm like, what? No, you're just a dude yeah yeah i have an air addiction i like ladies yeah yeah we're fetish where i like putting my dick in a vagina oh you know it's fun i've been meaning to pick up another one a vibrating cock ring i got one of those for free at the pleasure chest when i did eli olsberg show and that was a good time just turns your dick a lightsaber. I like the idea of putting on like four of them so you just have like a robot centipede attached to your dick. Oh, that'd be fun.

Just like turbo. This is like Tim Allen like on Home Improvement. I don't think so, dick. Just fucking his way through the fence while Wilson cowers on the other side. Dude, Wilson's getting cocked. You wanna meet the tool man? Timmy, no! You can't see all of his face because most of it's just drowned in cum. That's the same with a penised. You want to meet the tool man? Timmy, no! You can't see all of his face because most of it's just drowned in cum.

It's the same with his penis, too. You can only see the top of the shaft. What's the rest look like, Wilson? It's got a little fence around it. Why don't you build a fence in your pubes? The chastity fence. Yeah, yeah. I don't have any major ones.

I like tattoos and stuff. Okay. Yeah, I dig tattoos. Yeah, I get bored down there. I like tattoos and stuff. Oh, God. You know? Yeah, no, I dig tattoos. Yeah, I get bored down there. I need something to read. I left my nutter buttons at home. I got to check out your tats. Girls always want me to do like choke them shit, which is fine.

It's not for me. Oh, what's up? A little jujitsu action on? One time. Stop. No. I don't think I've said this. Tap out.

Joe Rogan having a one night stand. Can you choke me? And he just flips her over and gets in an arm bar. Dude, she's dead. One time a girl asked me to fuck her, but she wanted me in full clown costume. No. Jesus. That did not happen.

Tom. Yes, it did. I'll tell you who it was. Fuck you for not telling me this earlier. Wait, yeah. I got Garrett to ask you the question. Did you do it? No. Jesus. That did not happen. Tom. I'll tell you who it was. Fuck you for not telling me this earlier. Did you do it? No. You couldn't afford the clown costume. Did you do at least face paint? That's cheap. And you can do a weird goofy

voice. What come of that? Did you make baboon animals? Maybe a little uncomfortable at the time. Now you like it. I'll dress as a little uncomfortable at the time. Now you like it. I'll dress as a clown or a kangaroo,

whatever gets you off. I don't care. Those are the two fetishes. The only two, clown and kangaroo. Quite a spectrum cover. I've been talking to a lady who is like a professional clown, and she's like, yeah, I fuck in the clown outfit a lot.

Wow. And I'm like, I can't imagine that being your thing, but also like, now I kind of want to do it. I used to jerk off from the sexy clown from that show Pants Off Dance Off on VH1, I think. Oh, yeah.

That was a good TV pre-internet jacking material. God, I jerked off to that show a lot. Yeah, and there's this thick clown, and I was like, ooh. I remember the exact episode you're talking about. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. And then we looked at the same moon, and it was like we were together. Montagues and Capulets just sort of there,

whacking perversely under the same moonlight. Yeah, I don't know what a podcast is, but I feel like I'm going to have one someday with a kindred soul. What did you say in there? Nothing, Ma. Yeah. Do I have any weird ones that we haven't already talked about on the show?

No. I mean, there's one like... Don't you like fucking dogs or something? No. Aren't you that guy who bangs puppies? Do you know this story, Gareth? No. Oh, my God.

I'll do the Cliff Notes version because everybody's heard this story a lot. I see what you're doing, you fucking ape. You mean the Yip Notes? That's what first called fucking. I was dating a gal for a while, and it turned out she was really into bestiality porn. So a few times I had to fuck her while we watched a video of a dog fucking a lady. Oh, my God. That was kind of my reaction as well.

And then Keith had to keep up with the dog. Yeah, she was like trying to fuck me at the same rhythm as the dog. And I was like, oh, this dog is way more athletic. Do it while eating a milk bone. Just like the dog. The dog was just more athletic than me. So it was just kind of embarrassing. What the fuck is a dog thinking?

A dog's just like, oh. I think the dog was just stoked. The dog looked thrilled. Yeah, they will like fuck a pillow. Yeah, it's like, what a great day for a dog. I fucked anything, and then I probably ate. This is slightly better than the knee that I've been fucking. The dog doesn't realize that it's in just like a Russian concrete sadness factory.

Right, oh my god. Begging a victim. Like, you know what I mean? You stayed with that girl for so long just because she'd pick up your poop. I mean, it's a nice luxury, but you can't build a whole relationship on that. Holy shit. Oh, man. That happened often? I mean, there was can't build a whole relationship on that. Holy shit. Oh, man. That happened often?

I mean, there was a good stretch of our relationship, yes. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I don't have anything that can compete with what's been said. I guess I am very basic. I mean, I've done some weird stuff. I had a girl ash a cigarette in my hair while I ate her out. That made me feel pretty bad.

That's pretty cool. Yeah, it was kind of degrading. You've also been pegged. I've been pegged, yeah. Second week in a row, that came up. Just once. Second day in a row. That was usually just a fun strap-on and not a dog.

No, for sure, yeah. It might have been. You didn't turn around a lot, maybe. Yeah. Did you swap a dog in? What? Are you filming? This is for Keith.

You're panting so hard. Slow down. Oh, man. Every time I tell that story, they're like, did you guys ever fuck a dog? I'm like, nah. But she Googled the reality. She Googled if that was okay or not. Is that okay?

Like, legally. Apparently, the answer is way no. Your computer just blue screens the word no. Thumbs all your files. I just remembered another weird one for me It's not compared to dog fucking But there was So there's a cat, right?

There was a girl who wanted to This cat wants me to call it the N-word It gets off on racism She wanted to exclusively hook up in places That her mom and her stepdad hooked up in What? What? Maybe it is pretty weird

What kind of bus tour is that? That's insane. Yeah, yeah. That one, the clown one, I was like, oh, yeah, let's talk about it later. That one, I was like, hey, let's park anywhere else but this parking lot of this high school. No, this is where they went to school. Fulfill the destiny. The dick's in my pussy with the silver tongue.

Little boy Jets got an all over the lawn. And they were all like weird places too. How does he know that her mom fucked there? Because she told her. Wait, but who's telling their daughter like, I got turned out outside that CVS? Oh yeah, mom ate my butt there. Yeah, your father knocked the bottom out outside this football field.

Yeah, well, she was primed to get slimed. Wait, was this like the mom and stepdad had fucked there a long time ago and it was like retracing their steps? Or is it like concurrently and it's like a weird race around the world kind of situation? This is the worst who do you think you are episode ever. Was one of those two people dead and it was like an honoring their legacy thing? No, but the stepdad abandoned her. Okay.

Oh, okay. I thought you had a threesome with a ghost, and I was about to say. Yeah. No, my last girlfriend was the first girl I dated with a living father. Hey, how you doing, Tom? He says things like that, and you're like, well, I don't know. I feel terrible Yes

Yes I get it Like you have pathways To normal responses And you're like God There's No all the doors are locked This is a door that leads off a cliff

Like a Salvador Dali painting Yeah I really miss her too Yeah every time I try to think about it There's a whole Scooby Doo chase going on Now Tom will just drop gems like that He said when I first was getting to know him Yeah the first time I saw Girls Gone Wild Was in my hockey coach's attic

Another good one Some of the best sleep of my life I got on the floor of the Anaheim Convention Center Oh man Alright one more question before we wrap it up Horatio Von Zipper asks How can we be better towards our fellow human beings? Which is a weird tone shift after the dog.

Don't fuck a dog. I guess that's not human beings. Don't make your boyfriend watch dog fucking while he fucks you. Fuck all the places your parents did. If you hear a story about a retarded person, don't immediately assume it's about your best friend. Don't assume it's me. Fuck your best friend.

Don't think it's me. Yeah, basically listen to this show and then do the. Don't think it's me. Yeah, basically listen to this show and then do the opposite of that at every possible time. Yeah, that's actually good advice.

We're pretty nice guys, you know? I didn't even tell you a cough. I said it like a motorcycle starting poorly. Does anybody have any sense?

I'm the only guy I know with an awoo gun. Well, if I can be sincere, there's a little something called the golden rule where, you know, if you think about, you know, if you think about, you know,

if you'd want to have a grapefruit thrown at you or it'd be called the N-word, maybe just don't do that. Don't be a cat. That's sound advice. Follow that. Don't be cats.

Don't be cats. I would say in every interaction you have, try to make someone's day better. That's actually a really good answer. That's a good answer, yeah. Have you ever, like whenever I go to like the grocery store or something like that, the cashiers are very conditioned to make someone's day better? That's actually a really good answer. That's a good answer, yeah. Whenever I go to the grocery store or something like that,

the cashiers are very conditioned to just bullshit talk all day. So you'll say, how are you doing? And they're like, how are you today? And if you go, no, how are you? They're genuinely like, oh, good. Oh, thank you. They like go into shock. Yeah, they are genuinely like, oh.

Meanwhile, in the break room later, this fucking guy wants, how the fuck do you think I'm doing? Shut up. I'm scanning bananas. You got 13 items into 12 items or less. Just shut up and move How the fuck do you think I'm doing I'm scanning bananas I can't go on break Until you buy your fucking butt medicine Just fucking go Get out of here

Gareth told us that in confidence Keith That's how you make that interaction cool If you're buying all butt medicine No no no seriously how are you though I'm good I'm worried but I'm good Better than you, clearly. You can probably guess how I'm doing. You guys sell dogs here.

Yeah. You need a lot of butt medicine. Yeah, a lot of butt medicine. That is good advice. You can either do nothing or be kind of cool. Be kind of cool. I think it helps a little bit, because everybody now is so fucking selfish.

I do like that other one, be kind for everyone out there who's fighting a hard battle, which is kind of true. So if I have a shitty reaction to something, I'm like, okay, there's a series of pretty reasonable circumstances that could lead me to have the very same reaction. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I forgot, there actually is one more that's Gareth-specific.

Andy Lincoln's finger, don't want to know what that's about, says, if Jose could talk, what would he sound like? He would literally go, food, food, food, food. Because I've got him on like a cup of food. What are we doing with that video camera? Food, food, food. Who's Keith? Food, food, food.

You're in a burst. Everybody, Garrett's dog fucked my ex-girlfriend. I wonder where he went. He just climbed in there. He just never made it out. Oh, I remember. Yeah, he just came home crying with $200 tucked into his collar. Oh, man, he just said, Yo, Kiro, a quick death. Yeah, I guess I got one of them dog jobs. Dog jobs.

I guess that is what that kind of genre of porn gets called, dog jobs. Good lord. We're spawn villain. Dog jobs is also a good episode title. We've got a lot To choose from For this one We've got a whole bag of

This has been a fucking journey I think there was Infected genital tent That was tough to beat That was early too Yeah That was fucking Minute three

That's it for the Mean Boys podcast For this week Dude thank you so much For doing the show man Bless your heart dude You're fucking amazing Where can they

Find you online What do you got coming up You can find me At Reynolds Gareth On social media. This comes out when? Tomorrow. So December 7th, I'll be at a place called Central Cinema in Seattle at 8 p.m.

December 12th, I'll be at some grill in Placentia. Oh, that's actually a show we've done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a fun spot. December 14th, I'll be at the Standard Hotel on Sunset in Hollywood at 8 o'clock and a benefit for abuse victims. And then December 17th at 9 p.m., I'll be in the main room at Flapper's Comedy Club. Nice.

Very nice. Not the one you talked about earlier. No, no, no. I was looking at you. Do you start a new podcast? I have another one called Point vs. Points. You can listen to The Dollop or Point vs. Point. Those are my two babies.

Very funny. We'll have links to those in the show notes. Nice. Tommy, anything to plug? Yeah. December 18th, I will be at Grog's and Clovis. Cool. That is all.

Nice. December 6th, this Wednesday, I'll be headlining the Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego. And December 28th, I'm headlining the Comedy Store in La Jolla. So come out to those if you were down in the San Diego area. This Friday, a Cruisbert Cafe in San Luis Obispo. People have been asking when we're coming back to slow. Obispo. Yeah, in fucking San Juan Obispo or whatever.

Tom, let it rip, baby. This is your moment, baby. Yeah, I'm doing some kind of coffee shop in Cookietropolis or whatever. Anyway. You're hosting with Chips Ahoy, huh? Yeah. Obispo. Westside Comedy Theater this Saturday at 1130.

Headlining the Rec Room in Huntington Beach December 12th at 8 o'clock. Ventura Harbor Comedy Club December 22nd and 23rd. And, guys, I finally got it negotiated with the agents. Victorville and fucking somewhere. The paperwork has gone through. I'm headlining the holiday in in Victorville once more December 16th at 8 o'clock. And that's going to sell out. So get your tickets online early.

For sure not going to. Oh, yeah. Rec Room tickets. Five bucks with promo code MEAN. I keep hearing that show's good. I'll bring you with me if you want to do it. Didn't we try last time? I could probably make it happen. Feels like an off-air conversation.

Yeah, if you book a room. It's a tough negotiating process. You know how long the line is of people trying to get in at the Holiday Inn. It's a 60-month waiting list to get past the Holiday Inn. Yeah, what do you think this is, the Ramada? I'm a big gambling chip or whatever. Nope, nope.

You know, I got a guy who can get you to La Quinta. Oh, really? Bakersfield. So if you want to run... Hey! Always wanted to do Bakersfield. Yeah, you do it in the fitness center. I do well in the barn circuit.

I'm not kidding. It's in the gym. It's in the gym. They don't know it's a show, but you do. I headlined a barn circuit. I'm not kidding. It's in the gym. It's in the gym. They don't know it's a show, but you do. I headlined a barn once. I'm from Indiana. In Indiana. Hey, Mr. Quinto, I'm here for the joke-em-ups.

Hey, hi, Miss Keita. It's me, Tom. Featured in a WWE wrestling ring. Say W. I dare you. Hosted a hosted a campfire show? Tell me any website address now. Double D Wubba Wubba Wubba

Double D Double D Double D Google. Bing-a-ling-a-ding-dong Yeah, what are the Super V fucked up M I got a feature at the Church of Cannabis in Indianapolis. One of those hat colons, comma dom.

Non-regular slash. I mean, the first W was flawed. You know, the second one was on death row. It's a dead W. I'm listing off my credits, damn it. Please stop it. No, you're listing off places bodies have been found. Yeah, that's also true.

I could listen to W all day. W, W, W. That's the show, everybody. Fuck everything. God is dead. Bye.