Mean Boys - EP 95 - Soul Cancer (Live feat. Jeff May, Leah Kayajanian, Devan Costa, Joe Kaye & Ian Ager)

Episode Date: December 6, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “New Names”, “Did The Die?”, "Porn or Yelp", and "The Tom Goss Lightning Round" Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Joe Kaye on Twitter: twitter.com/joecharleskaye Follow our guest Ian Ager on Twitter: twitter.com/ianager Follow our guest Jeff May on Twitter: twitter.com/heytherejeffro Follow our guest Leah Kayajanian on Twitter: twitter.com/leahkayjay Follow our guest Devan Costa on Twitter: twitter.com/devancosta Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey, everybody. It's Keith, Connor, and Tom from the Mean Boys Podcast. What, what? Snark week, day three. Day four. I'm snarking believable. Snark, snark,'s Keith, Connor, and Tom from the Mean Boys Podcast. What? Snark week, day three. Day four. Are we at three? Snark, snark. Snark, snark. Snark, snark.

This week. Snark, snark. Snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, snark, Cutter's trying to sell how mad that makes him Great show A lot of funny people A.K.A. Jenny, Devin Costa, Jeff May, Ian Ager and Joe Kay A lot of people I like Also rhymed a little bit

I said them real fast on accident You Dr. Seuss ass intro motherfucker Cool This was easily the best live Don't play that shit This is the best live show we've ever done For sure, yeah. It was cool.

It was cool to get to do the show in front of a room full of people who knew what it was. And it was really fun. So I think you guys will enjoy it. Some great lightning round action. Fucking everyone was super fun. Yeah. And a little bit of housekeeping. If you guys haven't already, especially now during Snark Week when we're making a desperate

ploy for relevance, please leave us a review on iTunes. Yes, please. We're doing great. We got one of these uh that i enjoyed a lot a merry snark week gift for three dudes who need all the help they can get by n factorial 99 irreverent 75 funny a good time is had by all thank you 174 percent yeah uh which is uh i like to think we give every show 174 percent as long as you didn't listen to the patreon bonus we just posted yep that was uh bonus we just posted. Yep, that was around 38%. That was around Trump approval ratings.

Oh, I just got topical. Hey, I don't know. I was just trying to think. What else is 38%? You know what I just found out? Whole milk, only 4%. You think it goes from 2% all the way up to 100%, but it's only 4%. Well, it would be a crazy amount of percentage to jump.

I didn't know. I never assumed that. The percent is not how much of it is milk. It's how much of it is fat. So 100% would imply that you were just drinking a gallon of liquid fat. Whatever, guys. You should have picked up that freezing classic.

Support the show on Patreon. Weekly bonus content. Usually Snark Week. Daily. Oh my god. 14 fucking podcasts. Yeah. Cancel your Netflix subscription. We have you covered for the next whatever the hours are.

Listen to these three dudes complain and chill. Yeah. This is where they get you laid. The fucking Snark Week madness is beginning to set in a little bit, as you guys can tell. I'm watching the lunacy dance across Connor's eyes. Look, the level of success I want for this podcast is for Tinder people to be like, oh, we both like the Mean Boys. Oh, that'd be so cool.

Also, if you haven't already, fucking fill out the tour sheet. It's on our Twitter and the bio or on the homepage in the announcements bar of our website. Tell us what's the nearest major city you'd come see a show in. These live shows have been getting better and better and more and more fun.

We love doing it for people that actually know the show instead of like shocked Groupon purchasers. And yeah, we're going all over the place next year, so please help us plan that out. The more people we get in your city, the more likely we are to go do a show near where you are. I want to see you guys. We totally appreciate that. And yeah, the Patreon, we got beer koozies this month.

You guys have fucking jumped up the numbers really fucking hard just in the first couple days of Snark Week, so thank you guys for that. We're all just carbon and bullshit beer koozes. I can't think of a better quote to put on my drinking hand warmer. True. We got the Wu-Tang Mean Boys shirt floating around as well. Yeah, and also check out Devin Costa's shit on YouTube, and

all Jeff May's fine work over at the Unpops Podcasting Network are good friends. Are really the England to our America. It's the special relationship. And I'd like to say once again, I know we mentioned in the last intro, but thank you to all the people who came out to the good night for this episode.

You guys were fucking awesome. Yeah, it was one of the most fun times I've ever had on stage. I couldn't have asked for a better crowd. Really, thank you. Tom, the officiator of the Mean Boys Stan Hope Celebrity Death Pool. Head up tomgosscomedy at gmail.com

if you want to sign up for this year's Death Pool starting January 15th. It's filling up. We've only got 42 spots left, so those are going quick. So please, actually, no, it'll be a lot of fun. A lot of the people planning to be guests from the show, so if you want to rub elbows with some of your favorite Mean Boys and Mean Boys extended universe characters, get in the Death Pool.

It'll be a good time. I'm not going to win, but I will enjoy fucking around with my friends. No one is confident they are going to win. Everyone's like, I think I'm going to be terrible. I'm going to win. Except for Keith. Yeah. If you beat Keith, you get not only, if you get first, which means you beat Keith, you

not only get the pool of money, you also get the pride of beating the man that no one thinks will be defeated this year at Celebrity Death Call. I'm going to snap up all the aging members of the anime voice acting and role playing game community. So you guys better watch out. In the meantime, enjoy this week's, or this week's, today's fucking listen to the live show at the Good Night from Thursday.

It's the podcast. Snark. Snark! Snark! This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme. This is a meme This is a meme, this is a meme, this is a meme

Please welcome my tormentors and yours, Conor McFadden and Keith K. and the Mean Boys! Thank you for coming, everybody. Here's how you know it's going to be a great Mean Boys show. The recorder is broken and both our fat poop hooker and our fat retard are late. We are poised for excellence, ladies and gentlemen. This is going to be awesome. Thank you guys for coming out. Who has never been to a Mean Boys live show before?

I like to tell you you started to raise your hands quietly and then remembered that this is a live event and applause is exceptional. We've prepared very heavily, as you can tell by the broken recorder and the absent host. What I did do was purchase this Insane Clown Posse

t-shirt in San Diego, specifically for Mean Boys live events. I don't wear this in my personal life. It's not even a laundry day shirt. It's in a glass case that I break every time I have to come do it. It's kept me on a lucky streak, because every time he wears it, he does, you know, fine.

Not good, but like fine. So like, not good, but like fine. You see how I won over the crowd earlier and now they're not on board with you shitting on me?

Usually it's the other way around. Yeah, sure do. This really backfires. Should we just get right into this thing? Let's do it, guys. Here we start

tonight's show as we always do with a segment called The Mexican Joke Off. And who better to join us than your two hosts, which you saw like three minutes ago

because we're not good at riffing. It didn't really kill much time. So we're going to return to the stage Ian Ager and Joe Kay. What we do at the Mexican Joke Off is we scour the news for the most horrible stories of the day. We write some jokes about them. When we do this live, we don't want to just tell you guys jokes. It's boring. So we brought our friend and yours, Miss Catherine Walters, here to beat the shit out of this

lovely mom. Now, in Mean Boys tradition, everyone take your fucking shirt off. At least one person here just came for the open mic and is now like, oh, I guess it's a super gay bar. They've just updated the classification on Yelp. It's no longer a dive bar. It's a super gay bar. They just updated the classification on Yelp. It's no longer a dive bar. It's a gay bar territory. I also would like to point out

that we decided we were going to have her come by holding everything. Just what I'm doing to you. That's a lot. This is a lot. Oh, good. As soon as we got here,

it was like, okay, we have our Hithidominatrix coming, and Joe is pretty fine, Connor is pretty fine. Ian, who looks like the enforcer for a white supremacist gang terrified since the moment I arrived looks like it looks like a Russian folk tale that children tell their kids that

like they told me because we're going to stop masturbating. Did you touch yourself? Say, Grendelfield, we'll hurt you tonight! Dude, I'm sorry. I loved you in Full Metal Alchemist. Yeah! I know we got to meet for this crap. My Full Metal Alchemist is Randy. Do you know how bummed out I am to have a podcast

where that gets a standing ovation? You guys won't have that guy on the fucking body pillow back at your mom's house. All right, well, which one of us should go first? I feel like one of the meat boys should take the opening hit on this. I usually do it. How about you do it, Keith? Yeah, I'll do it. I didn't realize how many things I was going to be holding.

God, this is for sure going to sound terrible. That's just my phone right there, guys. Whatever, fine. Here we go. Porn star Cherie DeVille announced she will run for president in 2020. She promises the American people a chicken in every pot and a dick in every twat. That didn't really work. I guess I'm getting hit, huh? I'm going to put a tampon up for now. That's not where those go! Oh, Catherine Walters, everybody. You gotta love her.

Okay. What if it goes into the right part of his brain, like Homer's crayon, and makes him funny. Wouldn't that be crazy? So, I don't really know how tampons work, and I really thought that was going to, like, shoot out like the fucking blowgun. No country for a man. I can't use my phone because it's being used to record. Can someone take a picture of Tampon Keith?

I just want to have a family. Alright, Joe's got it. Ian, why don't you go next? Uh, sure. Why not? Okay. Uh, let's see. So, a recent study found that New York City has genetically distinct uptown rats and downtown rats. That's as opposed to here in LA where we have

Silver Lake rats that just move into existing neighborhoods and turn them all into micro-buries and coffee shops. It wasn't long enough. That was a problem. It was too short. I think he's getting ahead., what do we do to Ian? Okay. He said he's a big boy, he can take it.

Oh boy. Can you move this back, please? Yeah! Shit! Oh my god, look at the bartender's face! Dude, Ian just came so hard. Did you see what he did? He was like, oh shit, I have a problem now.

I have to have a conversation with my girlfriend. Ian, it hurts? Oh, the bartender hates Ian. Alright, well, it's my turn now. This is all fun and games until it happens to you So here we go The World Health Organization warns that Europe's HIV epidemic Is growing at an alarming rate

Experts are blaming low awareness, lack of birth control And the continued popularity of soccer Safe! Soccer's gay! Soccer's gay is me Okay, let's get it going Alright Ivanka Trump visited India again this week

Where local fans were disappointed When she wouldn't pose for photos with them The Indian people were heartbroken To not get a selfie with their deity Shiva, the goddess of destruction I'm genuinely shocked I'm genuinely shocked. I wrote that this morning and I'm very shocked that that worked. My boyfriend did not like it. Well, your boyfriend sounds pretty gay, dude.

We have a smart crowd here at Meat Boy Slime. These people, they saw the original Full Metal Alchemist, they saw Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. I'm quitting the show. I really hate that. All right, let's see if I can keep my other nostril free. In South Africa, a surgeon grafted a white penis onto a black patient. The patient is currently on 24-hour suicide watch.

Kevin looks so mad that any of these are working. That's pretty cool, though. I mean, not for anybody involved. Because what happened to his normal dick? I don't know. We could probably buy it. We'll talk to Ramsey. We'll see if Ramsey's available. First-time dick starter.

Alright, sure. So, Tony Hobart, the Nazi sympathizer profiled by the New York Times over the weekend, says that he's since lost his job, his home, and feels totally alone since the article's publication and subsequent backlash. So, I guess if you live in Ohio and go to church, consorts, or the movies, good luck. Oh no.

I just think it's funny that I was standing so close to you and I felt kind of good. I was like, oh, he's warm and strong. I didn't really even get that one to be honest. Oh Jesus. Yes! Yes! Yes! It's so weird that I didn't really even get that one to be honest. Oh Jesus.

Yes! Yes! It's so weird that a racist looking guy is in this position. Well your name was Toby to begin with. Oh my god. Oh shit! Oh fuck! Wow! Yeah why not?

What is this? Are you jizzing? This is the best night of my life. Oh! Oh, good! Wow! I just want to point this out for the group. Carl's nipples, or Ian's nipples, where are they? I love that you called him Carl, and nobody really thought you were Carl. No one's ever looked more like a Carl.

Yeah, I know named Carl, but I just can't see. They're all like, you can barely tell they're there. Somehow this is meaner than the slapping. All right, Joe, you're up. Oh, yeah, okay. All righty. NBC has fired Matt Lauer this week after reports of sexual misconduct came forward.

When reached for comment, Ann Curry was found shitting on Lauer's front porch, screaming, Not on today! That worked okay, but I think you've got to take this. I think you've got to come to a conclusion. I'll take something. I'll take something. You look like a windmill tattoo.

Oh, I was really into Moulin Rouge when I was 18. It's not a lie. That was gayer than the shit you said about your boyfriend earlier. I'm amazed at how many you can fit on one nipple. Yeah, it's like your stomach has eyelashes.

Your stomach looks like an Asian girl's Volkswagen Bug. Just, oh, there it is. Oh, wow. Man, I impress myself sometimes. Oh, shit. Okay, how many more until he's straight?

Do I have to... This is conversion therapy? How are you feeling, Jeff? Um... let's keep going. We're slowing down, everybody. Okay. In the summer of 1972... Alright, guys.

Buzzfeed... Is it my turn? No, it's mine. Oh, yeah, you go. I don't know why I wanted to go. Did I get skipped? I think I got skipped. No. You did get skipped. Oh, did you? You did get skipped. He's only got one. Oh, you're right. Alright, yeah, I'll do it. Thanks, Keith.

BuzzFeed laid off 100 employees. The fires will be featured in the new video, Millennials Try Filing for Unemployment for the First Time. Alright, hit me. Oh, God. We featured in the new video millennials try filing for unemployment for the first time All right Yes I'm gonna go to college The suspense is the worst part. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. We should have spent more than 20 minutes on these. Lord almighty. I've legitimately, I've never seen our bartender laugh this hard. She's been doing this with us for like a year and a half and she's never laughed. People who just watched walked in. Hello. Welcome. We refuse to explain what this is. Have you guys ever been to a DSA meeting before? This is what socialism is really about.

A group of scientists is attempting to ban the use of glitter amid environmental concerns. One scientist remarked, move over, God, because now science hates fags. That joke worked, but I still feel like I should get hit again. Yay! You know what I like to imagine about that joke? Is there's an Asperg-Dot soap where they're cleaning glitter off the strippers on the beach. I got you. What if we have a con wonder or whatever that is?

Lordy, Lordy. On our way. Yeah, idiot. Thank you. Oh, no. This is where we don't have pot. Yeah, idiot. Sorry, Mom. Thank you. Oh, no. Oh, my God. This is why we don't have pot. Didn't make much sound, but apparently...

Oh, good. Yeah, let's do that. Yeah, Joe, you can't... Joe, you can't be condescending to people when you have clothespins on your nipples, all right? You can't be like, well, actually, it's pronounced money. Fuck. There it is! Alright, put the tampon

on your belly button. You're starting to bleed. That's amazing! This is the career I've chosen. It's gonna come out bloody somehow. It's so far in. We saw how long it was. When it was in your nose, you have a whole belly button pussy. And it just swallowed the tampon.

And we have an episode title. Belly button pussy! Belly button pussy! Belly button pussy! Oh, Joshua Meyerowitz from the Rose Battle has not stopped himself from chanting. Oh, we love you, Joshua. All right, take it away, Carl.

All right, thanks. So the city of Chicago recently announced plans to allow Amazon to keep the taxes that employees would pay as revenue if the company builds its second headquarters there. Also part of the deal is a pipeline under the city that would funnel tomato sauce directly into Jeff Bezos' mouth. You just really wanted a tomato sauce pipeline.

The tomato sauce pipeline is what I'm calling my belly button from now on. We're going to be Native Americans sitting on Keith's stomach protesting. They're building the tomato sauce pipeline over their Native names. And we are clipping up Ian's big old bear nipples. You could fit the entire fucking...

You could hang laundry off his nipples. Wow. This looks like the car that he is. It's like the car's ugly front. Not Ian, Ian's torso the car's ugly friend. Not he, it's Torso. What great radio this is, just us watching and just being like, wow, huh, that's crazy. Yeah, right? How you feeling?

It hurts. I don't like this. This is the first one I haven't liked. I'll close it out. It's a gesture of good faith. Okay, alright. I've got one more about today's show. This week, Oh, Tom Goss

is here. How are you doing, dipshit? I'm just... I just saw Tom running to the stage, whipping his shirt off. Didn't realize it was Tom, and I was like, well, this is how it ends. No, I'm just saying, I was like, someone showed a harmless guy the Ace of Diamonds or whatever,

and it was like they wanted to kill me. Did you write any jokes, Tom? Oh, those, yeah. We're going to talk about catch-up movies. How far have you guys so far? We've done two, but I mean, you could do one or whatever. Okay. You didn't waste your joke writing time.

Cool. Yes, a la la. What? I'm just trying to fit in, goddammit! I'm telling you, Chucks! Yeah, well, this is the only place you're ever gonna fit in, is a bunch of fat losers with their shirts off, bombing. Yeah! Join us, Josh! Join us!

Wait, can I? No! No. I wanted to stay the day, but I got no say. We have a 23 chromosome maximum, and it's very strict. You don't find permits to get Tom out. A 17-year-old North Carolina high school soccer player is on the run from authorities and possibly kidnapped by the boys' high school soccer coach.

However, no one is talking about it because America hates soccer. I already did a soccer joke. Was it the same joke? No. No, it was pretty good. Tom's nipple is getting clamped up. Nope. Those are staying on, John.

I call these tit hugs, by the way. You're hugging wrong. Man. Keep the pants on Alright there it is Welcome to the show It's funny that they're using clothespins When Tom has never done laundry before Alright Joe let's try this again

Oh shit Okay So this week Hoda Kotb set a new world record for sobering up minutes before the Today Show Wednesday morning while Kathy Lee Gifford still holds the title of longest consistent fugue state.

I think he's safe. That was pretty good. Did you think you were doing the Kathy Griffin podcast? What is a fugue state? Ask your doctor. It's like in classical music where they got multiple melodies and shit, but that's just you all the time. Like a composer?

I have no idea what you're talking about. It's weird having to pass it back and forth. Move on. I think we're nipple-clenching. All right, let's see two more. Let's pass it back and forth. Well, move on. I think we're nipple clenching. Let's see two more. Let's Connor do one more, Tom will do one. Alright, guys. A woman with Down Syndrome competed in the Miss Minnesota pageant

last week. She wowed the judges in the talent portion when she tied her shoes. Holy shit! I want to just note for the audience, you know who sent, a Mean Boys listener sent that to me on Facebook who said, I would have thought you should know. So you didn't write it?

I didn't, no, I didn't enter a beauty pageant as an autistic woman. I sent it in the article. I wasn't really half paying attention. Alright, Tom, close it out weak. God damn it. Okay. I'm glad, alright. Alright. Thank you.

A young black girl hung herself after consistent bullying, leaving the nation wondering, if you're black and you hang yourself, is it still a hate crime?

Oh, my God. I think I'm good. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's the Mexican character. One more time for Ian and Tom. Thank you. I think I'm good. Oh, wow. That's the Mexican jar. One more time for Ian and Joe. Thank you for having us.

Thank you to Catherine Walser for being the shit out of us. And for you guys for making this the only Mean Boys Live that anyone has ever come to. We have some fantastic comedians coming up here for you tonight. I think everyone's going to go backstage and smoke cigarettes and lick their wounds. But in the meantime, this next show is really one of my favorites to watch. This always makes me laugh. You owe it to yourself to follow this very funny work on YouTube. Everyone clap your hands right now for Devin Costner.

Motherfucking Christmas is coming up, guys. And I can't think of a better Christmas gift than studio headphones. Hell yeah, dude. That's right, everybody. World peace, fuck that shit. Nope. Yeah, you're dead mom back, suck three dicks. We're all about studio goddamn headphones.

Yeah, there'd be more peace if people listened with these headphones. I'll tell you that right now. Indeed there would. These things are fucking amazing. They're sleek. They're cool. They sound fantastic. They have Bluetooth and a cord that doesn't tangle.

Yeah, you got fucking options. Gone are the days of untangling your headphone cords. Flat spaghetti magic cord. That's for fucking poor people. And guess what? You're poor too, but with the promo code MeanBoys15, you can probably afford some of these headphones. You'll get yourself a discount. We'll get ourselves a little bit of cash.

And best of all, free shipping worldwide. You got to act quick to make sure you get these in time for the holidays. They come in a big sexy box and just picture your fucking loved ones when they get that heavy smooth cardboard box it fits very tight you pull it out you get all the little accessories you're playing with it you you try to decide what song you want to listen to on them first it's going to be a magical christmas memory the description of the box opening is always a little bit erotic dude i fucking i i have such a hard-on for nice packaging i gotta tell you no i these would be an awesome christmas gift and i know this is a great christmas gift i know a lot of bad christmas

gifts so two years ago i was given a library book i had to return i am telling you all right unless you want to fuck the person over uh you know get get them some studio headphones they're fucking in there i would be so stoked at any age to find this under the Cree tree. The Cree tree from the Secret Tree Invasion. Yeah, yeah. You got to it. I'm glad. I gave Tom my extra pair from Conspiracy the Show, and I don't think he's ever liked me more.

Yes. Is there a reason he still does meatball? Yeah, that's why I get to off my headphone sharecropping debt. You guys can make me official now. I've got my studio. Head on over to studioswedan.com. Pick up a pair today. That code again, Mean Boys 15.

Doesn't Devin look like he's just recently homeless? Like it's been like 72 hours on the streets of figuring it out. We're going to pull Devin back up on stage for one of our favorite segments. We're going to do some new names, ladies and gentlemen. That was still not the most upsetting reference to an Arby's we've had on this podcast. That's true. Also, I don't think an Arby's has ever been sold out before. I don't think I've ever gotten to 44.

All right, so New Day is during a hurricane where people are seeking refuge. There's 30 people in an Arby's. And even then, they're checking Yelp. They're like, what else is going on? So if anybody knows new names, basically we take things that already exist and we give them more accurate names. That's exactly what it sounds like.

And I will take it away. I'll go first. New name, Black Movie Critics will now be called Leonard Jamalton. Can we hit him again? Can we capture him? I'll go next. New name for Devin Costa. I'm one of the guys Batman beats up down at the docks.

Male feminists. Rapists. Wow. You got him. New name for Buffalo Jacket Cows. Thank you. But Tom didn't know

we were doing this, so he came up with these in the break, and they're way better than all of mine. This is what I did instead of putting my shirt on. Yeah, putting your shirt on takes ten minutes? Yes! Yes! New name for basic bitch weddings,

they will now be called Jennifer's Pinterest Page. The musical. Keith Carey's work in the arena of hating white women is vast and great. Not a fan. All right. New name for Hillary Clinton, Gal Gore. That's great.

New name for Antifa, Power Rangers that hate their parents. New name for flowers, basic bitch currency. Did you use, like, Google edgy topics? One through five? New name for my dad, it's fuck you. It's on my mind, this stuff. New name for hitting on drunk girls, that'll now be called Harvey Wine Tasting. Damn!

A one in five carry strikes again. Oh, we're low and oh. Alright, new name for a fat girl sending a nudes, a hunger trap. Me? Yes. Okay, alright. New name for Flaming Hot Cheetos Hispanic Space Eaters I don't even get it It keeps them warm during the winter What didn't get across?

I thought he said Hispanic Space Eaters and I was like wait do they just fill up their sad poor tummies? We will now call Blood Body Water poor tummies? We will now call blood body water. You said that with the force of like a third world dictator. I declare body water. You will no food for the poor.

But, Connor, your body is also full of water. Well, maybe not your body, but bodies in general. I gotta go off my body first, Connor. Your body is full of applesauce and cigarette butts. I don't eat applesauce. I do eat cigarette butts, though. Sure.

Maybe he puts them in a bowl with milk, like cereal. The Special Olympics will now be called the Stupor Bowl. Oh, damn, dude. Epidemic. He beat you to your next edge in a second. New name for smoke shops. Armenian Kitchens. I've cracked the Devin formula.

It's just a race and a thing. That's the worst Discovery reality show, Armenian Kitchen. Alright, let's see. The rest of mine are pretty shitty, I think. New name for... Oh, maybe. No, we skipped Connor. We're fine.

It's all flowing fine. A well-oiled machine, folks. New name for Prayer 911 for fat people. That's offensive. That's offensive? Angels are now heaven Kevin Spaceys.

Like pedophiles are kind of... Okay. Why would you go heaven Spaceys? It would have been bad still it would still be bad but that was that was more clever I admit my shame was a nipple one more round the emergency room Hospital will now be called the Peekaboo ICU. Damn, dude. New name for Chuck E. Cheese, the Kevin Spacey Foundation. You got beaten to the Spacey race.

What's it called? You need a Spacey heater. Am I right, guys? That's something... something. New name for cough syrup will be called Hoodrat Moonshine. Snakes are now bite you penises. And on that note, that is new names, everybody.

Over and out of Devacast. You guys, we're going to keep this thing going. Your next comic coming to the stage, a very funny lady. You've seen her on Comedy Central's Road Style. It's one of my favorite comics. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Leah K. Jane! Yeah!

Leah K. Jane, everybody. Leah, I almost don't recognize you without a clipboard standing outside a public library. Trying to get me to sign up. Whatever the very most of it. Come back up, Leah. We're going to play a game with you. Oh, I almost don't recognize you without a clipboard standing outside a public library. Come back up, Leah. We're going to play a game with you. Everybody's just trying to escape what they have to do. No, this is weird, but all the tools of pain are gone. It's just fun time now. Everyone's just worried they're going to get hit. Shit, that's violent. Leah can beat the shit out of all of us.

Scoot over a little bit. We talked about this. I literally just talked about this. I know. Sorry. You're throwing off a whole vibe. We just grounded the momentum of this show to such a screeching halt.

Did they die? One of our favorite games would be Did they die? One of our favorite games in the movie was Did They Die? I'm going to tell you guys about a crime or some kooky shit that happened. You guys have to guess if the person is dead or not. Number one, a man on a car chase from the police stopped to shoot up heroin.

Did he die? No! You guys are not playing. First of all, I was wondering what my mom was doing after Thanksgiving. Black Tar Friday. That's not a man. It was a man or a woman? It was a man, yeah.

It was a man. I was just making a joke. Okay, well, I stopped the momentum again. I think he's alive because I think he just shot a pair of women and fell asleep. They arrested him. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing funny about that.

Just fucking logic. What are your thoughts? I also think he's alive and I have no more thoughts on that. Alright. I feel bad for making you do this now. Gosh. I mean, you can do it.

So he stopped to shoot up, but did he keep getting chased or did they catch him there? Uh, he stopped to shoot up and then the chase continued. I mean, I can't, I can't imagine, wait, oh, wait, what? Okay, yeah, then he's fucking dead. How slow are those cops?

I don't know. It was in Oklahoma. They were probably a little on the spectrum. The car stopped. Do you mean, like, he stopped? Did he stop the car to shoot up heroin I don't know. It was in Oklahoma. They were probably a little on the spectrum. Do you mean like he stopped the car to shoot up heroin, or while he was driving he shot up heroin? He shot up heroin while he was driving, and then the chase ended somehow. I'm going to say he's dead. If this guy can drive and shoot up heroin at the same time, he's the best driver and the best hero. And people say men can't multitask.

Way to fight the gender war on this. Yeah, he would have gotten away if he would have stopped to ask for directions. Right, guys? We've got two deads and one alive. All right, that guy is alive. They finally caught him. I like how everyone's rooting for him. Yeah, stick it to the man, buddy.

They finally caught him. They're like, you seem a little out of it. He's like, yeah, I did some H while I was evading you guys. That's the worst drug you could do to need to go really fast. Yeah. Like, he should've smoked crack.

That would've made sense. I don't think it's like getting the star in Mario Kart. I don't think you can throw some crack in the engine on some Fury Road shit and all of a sudden escape a more top-notch place. Just like smoking the blue tortoise shell out of a light bulb.

Just freebasing bananas. Alright, the next one. A Japanese woman put four newborn babies in a bucket of concrete. Did those babies die? Holy shit! Leah literally just turned into that painting the screen. What was the... how wet was the concrete? No! That matters!

Because if it's completely wet, the babies are gonna sink. That's dead as fuck. If it was just a solid block of concrete, you're like, yeah, take that baby, and you're like, I'm just sitting here. Who has a bucket of hard concrete? How big is a bucket? I don't know. That's the question. It's a four-baby bucket.

That's what they do besides at Home Depot is how many babies you can fit in. A four-baby bucket sounds like a basketball term. I don't know. You were assuming the point. This is a Japanese baby. They have a much tighter packing capacity. What are the efficient people? I can't believe I have to explain this to point, this is a Japanese baby. They have a much tighter packing capacity. What are the fish and people? I can't believe I have to explain this to you, Tom.

The concrete was indeed wet. If it was dry, she would have just set some babies down on a bucket. Yeah, it could have been one of those little misdirects you do sometimes. Yeah, one of those little submerge a baby misdirects. Can I say, can I say, are they, it's either they're all dead or they're all alive. There's no like, two of them are out. You can give me a lot of odds. I'm going to say

three dead, one alive, but she's going to die soon obviously. Well yeah, she's an Asian girl. Oh, shut up. I thought you were going to say when she put four babies back up inside her

hoping they would come out as a super baby. Like a vulture? And that's the origin story of Goro from Mortal Kombat. Happy holidays, everybody. We've got the uterus megazord. I wonder if that happens. Can you put that in and bring out a boy?

How many more months before a dick grows on this piece of shit? It's like being at a carnival and you can trade in a bunch of the smaller prizes for a big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a couple of parachute army men. How do I get someone that can actually work and provide for this family? It's hard to keep this riff going because I know

where we're going which is four dead babies in a bucket. They're dead. Yeah, those babies died. That was 75% correct. Is there any... Why? She couldn't afford to have the babies.

But she could afford concrete? Yeah, do you know how expensive concrete is? No, Tom, I don't. How much shit is expensive? How do you know? Because I'm remodeling a pool right now. Why? Who let you do this?

Nobody. I threw it under the radar. No, it's such. Try that. It's very complicated. Concrete is a bitch, all right? Maybe she just fell into some concrete. Yeah, maybe she stole someone's concrete.

That's stealing and baby murder? I don't like this girl. Moving on. Bad apple. Bad apple. Bad apple. Okay, a woman was visiting her boyfriend who's in prison. She kissed him and passed three

balloons full of meth into his mouth. Did he die? How big is this lady's mouth? Well, not like she didn't blow up a balloon with meth. I know what a balloon full of meth looks like. Even then, three of those is a lot. Well, not like she didn't blow up a balloon with meth at the same time. No, I know what a balloon full of meth looks like. Yeah, well, yeah, that's what they say. Even then, three of those is a lot.

That was what Keith did during the summertime, his meth balloon fight. Clang, just fucking... Yeah, clang, shut up. I think if Keith just snorted all the meth on Earth, he could run seven miles an hour. Just going back to the car chase. I think that would maybe up your ground speed by like 10%. Leah, your thoughts? Well, what would even happen if you had

three balloons full of meth in your mouth? Keith. As the meth spurts. You swallowed them. You swallowed the meth. Yeah, well, the issue would be if they broke because then you just swallowed a lot of meth and you turned into a fucking super monster. Have you ever seen that movie, The Mask?

That's how that happened. You know the Tasmanian devil? Pretty much that. Did he know this lady? You don't get random kisses in jail, Tom. I don't know. Why else would you do that? I don't know. Maybe he thought

he was going to hook up with a girl who looked like a chipmunk because of the meth balloons. I was like, oh, she's feeding me. So you think it's a romantic gesture like a Bakersfield Lady and the Tramp scenario? That's what I was asking. I was trying to get the background that maybe they were dating. Maybe it was a surprise

meth balloon. Maybe it was a surprise meth balloon. Maybe it was a gesture. I don't know. This month's Cosmo hot tips to spice up your lung life. Speak a balloon full of meth into your cheek and drop it into his stomach during a blowjob. I'm gonna say that dude is dead. Yeah, say it. Dead. I'm gonna say alive. Yeah, he's dead. Fuck dead fuck you Tom You might know concrete

You know shit about meth balloons Get on my level son Sean Sean was the lady who put the babies in concrete Sean is almost my brother's name actually What an incredibly It's fun for trivia. What is his name?

Shun. How are you the one that's you? That's Shun Goss. I don't know, he smokes weed in service. He's cool. Alright, Shun on. Alright, next one. A man locked himself in the beer cooler

of a quick trip gas station overnight. Did he die? Well, no, he had to get back to remodeling that pool. Damn, bro. Nicely done. Yeah, I know this one actually, so I'm gonna defer. Alright, Tommy Thugz. What state was this in? Oklahoma, again. It's always Oklahoma, dude.

I'm going to say he's alive because it's pretty cold out there right now, so I'm guessing he had winter clothes to begin with. That is the smartest thing you said on this podcast. Two years. He's the head of a lecture of drunk retards. They want to get inside their mind and just knock on his empty skull. Yeah, you can really Jane Goodall dipshits in the middle of nowhere. Lili, your thoughts?

I think he's dead because Oklahoma beer is weaker than regular beer, so he would have drank twice as much of the beer to get twice. Oh yeah, that's your home state. Is that a real thing? Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's been 3.2 miles. Bullshit! When I was there, concrete and alcohol

percentages. This man knows everything. It's two fucking states. It's them and the Mormons. That's it. Everyone else has normal beer, but this isn't my point. Anyway, yeah. But liquor, 80%. What the fuck is, okay, all right, I'm done.

Yeah, guys, the state of Mormons. You know how they have their own sovereign state. You all know it was Utah. Don't act like you don't. Yeah guys the state of Mormons, you know how they have their own sovereign state Growing less of the shirt somehow That guy is alive And emerged the next morning and then ran away didn't pay for any of them and then got popped through the UI. And then stopped to shoot up Harrow. Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean, right.

And finally, a drunk man tried to swim across the Hoover Dam. Did he die? Oh, man. I sure hope so. I don't want everybody thinking that's a good idea. What was on the other side? Lee, I'm going to blow your mind.

Nevada. Nevada was on the other side. Somehow this also took place in Oklahoma. I'm going to say no, he died because he got shot. Interesting, okay. You thought he was some kind of terrorist? took place in Oklahoma. I'm going to say, no, he died because he got shot. Interesting. Okay. You think that he's

some kind of terrorist or something? You can see him swimming in the water and you're like, quick, help him, baby. Put him out of his misery. Yeah.

He was drunk too, I should say that. That's okay. I think he's alive and I think everybody was bummed when he lived, like the people who worked there

because they were like, now people are going to try this all day. Because you know as soon as one guy makes it, it's just going to be a fucking line of just Bud Light dipshits just jumping in and out. Tom, are you talking about like anchor babies and immigration? Hey, I just called him Tom. Okay, I guess I'm fine. Who cares? You said he was drunk? so this happened at night? You can be drunk during the day, and I know that because I've seen you be drunk during the day.

Yeah, no, I've accomplished that many times. That's not my argument. I just want to know whether or not he tried to swim across the Hoover Dam drunk in the morning. You don't wake up, get drunk, and then try to swim across the Hoover Dam. That's an all-day drinking kind of thing. Actually, I hate to say this, but this is good logic. I mean, it is, but it was during the day. This guy's just better at drinking than you. He still has a functional pancreas.

Yes, yes. Sad pancreas. I'm going to say he's alive, because more people could have noticed if it was during the day. Not always funny, motherfuckers! Not always funny! Okay, sorry. All right, gang.

248 people have died trying to swim across the Hoover Dam. Not this man! He was the first person in history to swim across the Hoover Dam. Wait, he did? He did? He did, yeah.

Oh, shit! And then he got arrested drunk. And, uh... I think in every story, Andrew, people get arrested drunk except for the bucket one. What was his charge?

Swimming under the influence laws. What did he get in trouble for? You're just not supposed to do that. I'm sure they could figure something out. I don't know. Show me in the book where it says a dog can't be a baseball coach while I'm naked in a windmill.

I don't know. I think if you swim drunk across the Hoover fucking Dam, they should not throw you. I think you should get, maybe not a trophy, but as a reward, not, you know, go to jail. I think that's fair. You become the mayor of Las Vegas. No, I think they should just say, King me, and then you have to swim back. Hey, baby, that's it. One more time.

You guys can't hear me. The Mean Boys podcast will be right back, but we just wanted to remind you that we are sponsored, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Who is that? Is that a robust old British woman? Oh, no. It is Burrito Santa. What a great stocking stuffer that Don Carlos offers you to put in your child's or loved one's

stocking. Burritos! Yeah, can you tell them more about where they could find Don Carlos' stocking shop? Beautiful, sunny La Jolla, California. What's located nearby? Oh, the Comedy Store in La Jolla, California. It's my favorite

stop to make between all the other places in the North Pole. Go to eataborito.com. Get your events catered. They have vegetarian options. Burritos, tacos, balls. God, I fucking

hate burritos. This is our third take. Shut the fuck up. Back to the show. Oh, Don Carlos in La Jolla, California. Just let it end at some point, Tom. Shut your fat hole. Why do we give you so many outs? Stop fucking making us do this.

You're ruining it. Goodbye. Leave all that in. Jeff May, ladies and gentlemen. How funny is Jeff May? I'm going to have to Jeff May, ladies and gentlemen. How funny is Jeff May? My name is Jeff May. Strong opinions on snake ownership. Can I just say I kind of agree with him on the snake thing?

One of the first things that happened when I moved it back in with my parents is my sister got high and lost her python. That was the first. That was my welcome home, so I agree with you. You look like every guy that has that story you look like this state guy from this joke to be honest what are we mean men up here? Oh! Oh! Oh! What's a mean men crossover joke for four people? Oh! I didn't get it!

By the way, how many people are actually listening to Mean Boys? Oh wow, I thought we just found a group of kind strangers. That's insane. We've got a couple more things for you tonight. This next thing is one of our favorite games we play at live shows. This is Porn Comet or Yelp Reveal. I could definitely crack his knuckles and give him a rib for it. He always cracks his knuckles for porn. He's got to limber up the muscles. The name of the game is the rules of the game.

I'm going to read you something. You've got to tell me if it's a comment from Pornhub or a Yelp reveal. Number one, quote, God has abandoned us. Is it a porn comment or a Yelp reveal? I'm going porn comment because I wrote that one. Damn. What kind of porn could this have possibly... What depraved mind could...

Interracial. Yeah. You know what's annoying? As I was building up to that very same joke, you just cut me off and beat me to it. That is a porn comment. I'm going to say it's a Yelp review of like a TGI Fridays. Have you ever eaten a cold mozzarella stick,

you'll lose your faith in God. That is the worst. If you go to TGI Fridays, there's not a lot holding you together. So I'm going to say this is all paid advertisement for Chili's. The correct answer is that is a porn review of a porn called Minion Sex. Weirdly, it is also interracial porn.

It is a very black man wearing a cheap Minion Halloween costume with some hard dick and a very poor woman. Did it cover Despicable Pete? No. Number two. It's crazy how each dude was ruder than the last dude. Are you doing this show live? How dare you?

The good night is the finest. That's Rude Boys. You can find that on Comedy Central. Okay, cool. What do you think, Tommy? I'm going to say TGI Friday's Yelp review again.

I'm going to double down. Eventually, we've got to find TGI Friday's. I'm going to say Yelp. Do you think there's only seven businesses in the world

that couldn't possibly avoid TGI Friday? TGI Sunday, TGI... I mean, here's the thing. I feel like that's more likely to be a Yelp review. I think you thought we were going to think that,

which is why it is a Yelp review. Uh-huh. Cool, Tom. Yeah. Either way, it's bad. I don't know. Are you guys like me where you've already forgotten Tom's not wearing a shirt just because he looks so natural?

Where it's just like, oh, that's not how he always is? Clothing doesn't just catch on fire when it touches his body? Eventually this hair will grow into a new shirt, I believe. I'm going to guess it is a Yelp review, but of a porn shoot. Oh, that's smart. I'm going to say that as a porn comment again. That is a Yelp review of the Comedy Store.

Wonderful. Number three, quote, don't do this if you're pregnant. A roller coaster, maybe? A black guy? What if you fucked a black guy and beat your baby up just because he was so deep?

Oh, I'm sorry. What, did we not learn about some babies that were buried in concrete? How can we keep referencing back to the part that bummed everyone out Just trying to educate people what about what the Asian community is doing all right? This is an alright podcast This could be this could be like Any train could have this any type of I'll go I'll go Yelp review actually actually. I'm going to go with the Yelp review.

What was it again? Something extreme. It was, don't do this if you were pregnant. I'm going to say it's some, like, mom BDSM porn. That's what the M stands for? Yeah. Bondage Sato mom. Sure.

I mean... Nailed it. Not a mom yet. I think it's just a Yelp review of a crop top store. The correct answer is that is a Yelp review of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Don't do this when you're pregnant or your kid will come out annoying. Is that like real roller coasters or something? I thought it was just they gave you like a butterbeer or something.

They have like a motion simulator, like a Star Tours thing. No! It spins you upside down like a windmill. I guess you really shouldn't do this if you're pregnant. Wow. Kill the baby, save the concrete. That's my motto. Season four.

Do you have any pools you can work on to save all that concrete? Number four, quote, I am in the kingdom of heaven chilling out with my hoes. I'm sorry, I misread that. I am in the kingdom of heaven chilling with many hoes. Oh, this is for sure of like an Arab guy

fucking somebody. And it's like just some dude who thinks he's clever who's like made a 72 versions thing. That's excellent. Good thought. Here's a question I have about porn. You guys know the black porn star that always keeps his Timberlands on during the shoot? No! No, there's a guy named Mr. Margs. He always fucks with his

Timbs on because he needs that much traction to be compositive. If he is doing an interracial scene with an Asian gal, does she make him take the Timbs off? That's something I want to know. You did so much setup for that joke. That was crazy. I'm chilling in heaven with bitches, or what was it?

I am in the kingdom of heaven chilling with many hoes. You know, I'm going to say yelp. Okay, of what? Gotta go back to TGI Fridays. Never once is a hoe good back to TGI Fridays I mean Never once is a ho That even TGI Fridays Friday is the holy day So that's fair

Or a mosque Okay, sorry, I don't know I'm killing y'all still You can get onion rings at mosques, right? I forget how those work I'm gonna say porn Yeah, it's gonna be porn It? I forget how those work. I'm going to say porn. Yeah, it's going to be porn. It's going to be real fun porn, I'm guessing.

It's going to be really like someone's covered all the way. Full engulfment. The great answer is that is a porn comment from a movie called Pussy Out for Harambe. Wow. Is Harambe the lion? No. That's Cecil.

No, he's the gorilla. Oh, okay. All right. I was close. Where are you going at? Number five, quote, this shit is ghetto. I just want to hear Tom

just trying to remember who people in pop culture are. Philando Castile made Thriller, right? Am I wrong? I like that we're calling that pop culture. You got popped. Oh, shit. Shit.

That shit is ghetto. Or this shit is ghetto. Interesting. All caps, a lot of O's. Your thoughts, Jeff? I'm trying to decide which church's chicken it is. This always gets racist.

Did you see me standing up here? I mean, yeah. I'm from Boston. Like, that's kind of our thing. Oh, was that not supposed to be there? It's not like, it's not like, don't tell me about your L.A. pizza. It's like, don't come at me with your of our thing. Uh, oh, was that? I like, it's not like, uh, it's not like, don't tell me about your L.A. pizza. It's like, don't come at me with your L.A. racism, all right?

I'm from fucking Boston. We invented this shit, kid. We don't need to gentrify because we fucking segregate. Oh, my God. You guys have got a white eye? You got a white eye on the left side of your face, honey. A black one on the right. Oh, my god. Yeah, that's where I got... You got a white eye in the left side of your face, honey. A black one on the right. Jesus!

Yeah, that's a Yelp review, though. That is absolutely a Yelp review. Okay. I'm gonna go porn. Okay. I'm gonna guess it's one of like a fuck you in the car thing, but it's a shitty car. It's a shitty car.

It's a porn comment for TGN Fridays. This is for sure a porn comment on a scene that is on my external hard drive right now. I do have quite the collection. You guys ready? That is a Yelp review of The Goodnight in North Hollywood. Well, I guess we've got a clutch now, so I can do it right. All right, two more. Generic, obnoxious, sexist,

worst of all, boring. So this is Keith's album, Available on iTunes. Oof, that's going to be straight porn. It's going to be cis-hetero porn. It's the stuff that you just don't like. You're like, who watches

this still? The kind of stuff that you would only see if you found it in the woods. I like that you're tried to get woke with cis hetero after all that Boston shit. Like, I still don't watch that kind of porn. Alright, so read it for me again one more time, sorry.

Generic, obnoxious, sexist, worst of all, boring. TGI Fridays, yep, we're good. It's the good night again. I don't know. Yelp review. It's the good night again. The bar leader said it's the good night again. I'm going to say it's Yelp for Abercrombie and Fitch. Okay. Are you going to keep saying boring?

Trick question. That is an iTunes review of the Unpopular Opinion Podcast. Who's the mean man now, motherfucker? I was pretty close, honestly. How deep did you go for that one? One click. At the top. Recent. Jeff May specific. I just want to make you feel bad.

And the last one. Quote. I've seen these guys regularly post on Craigslist trying to recruit the homeless. Whoa. Why are you doing two reviews of myself? Ooh, what business needs the homeless? I feel like this has got to be a porn comment.

Okay. But that's such a dark reality. Yeah, I also am kind of blanking on what business wants homeless people. I know, because I can't get a job. There's a thing called bumvertising, where they go out and pay homeless people to put ads on their signs for a little while. And I think that is way more effective than buying ad space for this podcast, because we're sponsored by a gambling website, and I don't think anyone even did that. Bum Fights doesn't have their own store, right?

Yes, just like the Kardashians had Dash, go to Lee Bum on Santa Monica, buy yourself some bloody fingerless gloves and a cardboard wrestling mat. Yeah, the Bone Fight store. It's in Vegas, you know, right next to the Popeyes that's all neon and big. Oh, I thought of one business that made.

An army recruiter, maybe. Oh, shit. Go Yelp. I'm going to say porn because that's probably the only business the homeless can get into. Jeff, your guess. I'm going to go Yelp. Man, am I trying to figure it...

I mean, nothing... Nothing is good. Homeless shelter? No, that can't be right. I don't know. I know it's Yelp, but I'm excited to find out what this is. That is a Yelp review. Oh! For the Church of Scientology.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is Porter Yelp. One more time for Jeff Wendt. And before we get out of here, everybody, listen to his racist, sexist, generic podcast on iTunes. Before we get out of here, we have one game we play at the end of every live Mean Boys podcast. Tom Goss, as you've noticed tonight, has a specifically brilliant brain.

So we're going to be playing a game called the Tom Goss Lightning Round. The way this works is very simple. We will yell out basic concepts. Tom will have to describe them. He has no idea what is on this list. He is unprepared. I don't know how awake he is. So, are you ready, Tom? Real quick, I saw this

sitting backstage. I thought it was a butt plug, but it's an air freshener. I've never seen a black glade air freshener before. It looks so metal for something so lame. I was going to give him some orange, but he's just jumping in. Oh, yeah. Well, some examples, Tom, have described swans as sexy geese,

love as horny fear, and the devil as edgy God. Also, Back to the Future was a butterfly effect, but someone's trying to fuck his mom or something. Alright, Tom Goss, you ready? Yes. Kind of. Alright, here we go. Blimps. Oh, here we go. Blips. Oh, blips.

Live in you balloons. Alright, Tom. Christmas lights. Alright, Tom Moonshine Oh, um Uh, uh, uh Do-it-yourself whiskey Alex Jones Oh, um Uh, uh, uh, um

Uh, fat Fat Confusion Man That's you, Tom You're the fat Confusion Man The bakery's just a local hoax, everybody It's you, Tom. You're the head. It's you, Tom. You're the head. Bakeries is all about hugs, everybody. All right, Tom. Lasagna. Oh, um, folding spaghetti.

Sleep. Body iPhone rest That one got jumbled. That one, yeah. Overalls. Oh, um, uh, uh, shoulder pants. Heartbreak. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, soul cancer. Oh, shit! Or soul AIDS, depending on sexuality. Pfft. Tom, the game of cricket.

What? The game of cricket. Oh, um, uh, uh, bad baseball. Radiohead. Oh, um, uh, um, uh, I know I'm a creep. Ladybugs. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, sexy beetles. Or milk beetles. Alright, Tom. 30 seconds on the clock. Alright, Tom.

30 seconds on the clock. Name seven crimes. Okay, stabbing, shooting, murder, rape, stealing, fraud, and jaywalking. 30 seconds on the clock Name 7 magic tricks

Oh, your coin's in here Find the card I'm disappearing You're disappearing That statue's disappearing I'm a cyan half chick And I breathe fire. Name seven articles of clothing.

Okay, pants, underwear, socks, beanie, jackets, hair if you have enough, uh, earrings? Whoa! Alright, name seven natural disasters. Oh, uh, not nuclear bomb. Mountain falls down, what's it called? Mountain falls down! That's number one! That's the first one! I was right to Mountain Falls town. Volcano, tsunami, too much rain, too much wind, uh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, flight, and, uh, and, uh, uh, uh, uh, genocide.

I don't know. Tom, name seven retarded people. Real ones? Like famous ones? They are fictional. Okay, Forrest Gump. Oh, that fucking annoying guy. Was Sam or something?

Oh, shit. We don't get repped well. Fucking George Jr. Uh, uh, uh, oh shit. We don't get repped well. We wrote something. Oh fuck. Oh, the CD guy from The Ringer. Oh shit. Jose from The Bus, my buddy Ben. The other Tom who was on The Bus. The Thomas who was on The Bus. And all Specialties Bus drivers.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is the talk I was trying to get. That is the bus ride. All right, guys, we're going to close the show. As we always do on the count of three, we say, fuck everything, God is dead. One, two, three. Fuck everything, God is dead. Good night, everybody.