Mean Boys - EP 96 - Kickflip Jenkins (feat. Kyle Clark)

Episode Date: December 7, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Letters To God”, “Voicemails”, "The Coppa Cabana", and a game of "Which of the Following" with things Duane Peters did. Listen to This Is Rad!: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/this-is-rad/id900721560?mt=2 Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Kyle Clark on Twitter: twitter.com/kyleclarkisrad Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Connor and Keith from Mean Boys. Snark, snark. I'm not gonna do it again. Oh, thank you. We got a great show with Kyle Clark today! Fan favorite and guy who gave us all of our listeners, Kyle Clark, in the studio once again. Yeah, for one of the darker episodes of Mean Boys. Always a great time when Kyle's in here to let him really show the evil that is just barely a fingernail scratch away from the surface. Yeah, it's like seeing a man who's excited that he's about to turn into a werewolf. He's like, ooh, oh boy, I'm going to kill a kid.

You can do these things unrestrained by conscious thought now. Ooh, Chris Hardwick can't save them. I love Kyle. Stick around for some very, very, very weird voicemails and some weird shit with God. In the meantime, Snark Week going strong. This is day four of seven. Three more shows to go. And if you guys haven't already,

please leave us a review on iTunes. This will be day five of seven, I believe. Day four. We've done three. This has gone out today. Oh, you're right. Yeah.

So if you haven't already, leave us a review on iTunes. Help us in our desperate plea for relevance. Edward T. Head writes, the second coming, question mark? The Bible tells of a second coming of Christ,

which will usher in a new age. It is said that no one knows the time or place of this return. However, a select few have been enlightened and know that the Lord lives amongst us. Brought to us by Zachalites, Keith Carey, and Conor McSpadden. My name is spelled wrong. His grace shines upon his flock like the most majestic of

stars. Truly, Tom Goss's delight will show humanity the way to true salvation. Amen. That is a very dim light. Yeah. Yeah, that is one LED at the bottom of the ocean. Oh, God. But thank you guys for leaving those reviews. Those really do help us out.

Do we have another one? We have more, but I'm saving them for after the break. Also, if you can, jump on the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Mean Boys. Get yourself a donation. We're giving out swag. We're giving out free bonus content. Every single day of Snark Week, there will be a bonus episode.

Two out of the three of them we've done so far have been really funny. The other one also took place. We also are doing Tom God's Beer Koozies for our $10 patrons this month. We're all just carbon and bullshit. Just ordered those today so they'll be out in a very prompt manner. We have an ongoing war where we're trying to just make a little bit more money on patreon than richard spencer from the alt right yeah i'm looking at the numbers right now we're close the mean boys are pulling at a respectable 927 dollars a month and you know

what that's great but uh the only problem is that richard spencer uh has currently uh uh rounded up a 962 dollar a month month fucking monthly stipend. So we're saying if we don't make $30 before the end of the year, we're Nazis. So help us out because we like Jews. We're about to record with one of them. Yeah, we are. There was supposed to be two of them, but one of them got his rear window smashed in. Shout out to Nat Baymel.

Other than that, please fill out that tour sheet. It's a Google Doc. It's on the Twitter bio. It's on the mean boys podcast.com homepage and the announcements bar. Let us know what's the nearest major city. You'd come to your show. And the more people that put out their email in your city, the more likely we are to do a show there.

Don't put in your own email twice. I can tell that you're doing that. And that's not helpful to us. Although I do appreciate your enthusiasm. Yes. As, as, as is always the case with the Mean Boys fanbase,

your intentions are very sweet, but misguided. Yeah, and we're like, oh, we're going to have like 40 people in buttfuck nowhere. Then we get there, there's just one guy with 40 burner accounts. Exactly, and also we're playing Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pull this year. Email tomgosscomedy at gmail.com for more information and to sign up, that'll be a lot of fun. Rub elbows

with some of your favorite Mean Boys guests and the hosts themselves and, you know, celebrate the death of celebrity culture one person at a time for money. Yeah. Other than that,

please enjoy today's episode with the one and only This Is Rad. That's in the show notes. Forgetting to plug shit. Very tired. We've done three of these in 72 hours.

Kyle Cork! Yay! Hello and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. People don't die, they just begin the process of being forgotten. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm a pinata of Connor. And I'm Tom Goss. Yeah, I got thrown off because Tom forgot to introduce himself. Yeah, that was my fault. Yeah, I like the day, the third show we've recorded in studio,

already losing the rhythm that we've done 60 times so far. And I'm insane already. Fun to watch you all wearing dirty wife beaters and you're on day three. Yeah, everybody. I stole this one from a guy. We all have track marks. We're not doing drugs.

They're just there now. It's your blood trying to get out of your body. Oh, dude, that's the next month Patreon works. We're a temporary tattoo of track marks so you can put on yourself as a fun prank. I thought you were going to say we're just going to sell our blood. Ooh, no. that'd be good for just regular content in our bank accounts we should all make a point to go on a blood plasma donating we just go do the thing we sign up together no one wants

my blood nah somebody oh yeah i forgot your uh you have your condition yeah i forgot i forgot you have terminalinal K. This is Kerry. We're so sorry, but your son, he likes the deep cuts of the Smiths. No! Yeah, we're talking hand in glove, all that shit. It's a serious case of full-blown mo. Full-blown mo.

Kyle Clark is back, the most probably requested guest of our... Yeah, good job, everybody. Well, that's what happens when you give us all our listeners. Kyle Clark is back. The most probably requested guest. Yeah, good job, everybody. Well, that's what happens when you give us all our listeners. Like we weren't going to have you anyway. I sat back and was like, I'm going to let this dance happen. Oh, yeah, we played snark week. All right, we have Kyle. Who else?

Yeah, Kyle did no lobbying. He was just like, minions. There was part of me that thought it would be funny to do it and not have you on. This is a weird passive. I pretend I'm not legitimately hurt. I was like, oh, you'd be actually bummed out. Then I'd also be like, oh, fuck, I don't have right joke-off jokes. This is the best. Then I'd look at the quality people and be like, well, now I'm upset.

And then you listen to 45 seconds of any show and be like, I'm going to be fine. Going to be completely okay. Have you listened at all to the previous entries, Kyle? I have not yet. How's it been going? It's been to be completely okay. Have you listened at all to the previous entries, Kyle? I have not yet. How's it been going? It's been going good. I'm a toe Santa. And you know what?

I can already tell this is going to be the one where it starts to go downhill. I can feel it. Everyone can feel it. Oh, yeah. There is whatever the opposite of electricity is that is running through the air right now. Water. Unelectricity. Yeah.

There's not electricity in the air. There's whale lamps. We're inhaling the fumes of. Water. On electricity. Yeah, there's not electricity in the air. There's whale lamps fucking... We're inhaling the fumes of weird blubber fire. Oh, God. Speaking of blubber fire, let's get into the Mexican joke-off. Ay, so topical. All right, guys.

I'll take us away. There's a gesture of good faith to our friend Kyle. Danny Masterson has been fired from Netflix's The Ranch over rape allegations. In addition, stars have been accusing him of creepy behavior, saying he was always hanging out. Danny Masterson has been fired from Netflix's The Ranch over rape allegations in addition to stars in addition stars have been

accusing him of creepy behavior saying he was always hanging out down the street I don't get it I fumbled the cadence but everyone knows

a singing punchline is a surefire victory what song is that that 70s show it's called In the Street from Big Star I don't know

I don't know Danny Matherson. Not one word of that. Danny Matherson owns a furniture store. Danny Masterson was the, I don't even remember his name. I genuinely think the only word Tom confidently understood in that joke was rape. Netflix, that's like Super Hulu or something. No, it is that Masterson. I always get him and Malcolm Middle confused. Are they brothers?

Yeah. Okay. He never raped anybody. He was in Alaska. There's no broads up there. How do you think the drill sergeant lost his eye? He's related to Frankie Munez? No, to the older brother. Oh, I only know Frankie Munez. Oh, Francis.

And I only know him because I thought he was going to die soon for some reason. I don't remember why. This death pool has really taken over your life. No, I only know Frankie Muniz. Oh, Francis. And I only know him because I thought he was going to die soon for some reason. I don't remember why. This death pool has really taken over your life. No, I just wish death upon everyone. Has memory loss where he doesn't remember taping Malcolm in the Middle because he has some kind of degenerative brain disease. And he's just like, yeah, I only remember like six months. Use cocaine usage.

Dude, did he do coke? I have no idea. I'm just throwing things out there. I thought Kyle had some random insider showbiz knowledge sometimes. He was coming in here to drop the libel and then like we'll have fun we're gonna talk about why fucking pants are great yeah cranston walked in on me and frankie doing rails off a dewey synthesizer and then i heard the everyone uh everyone everyone talks about we use the whips to transition on the show. With the reverb and everyone's like, oh, it's like Malcolm in the Middle.

Who said that? My buddy Ryan. By everybody, I mean my buddy Ryan. Yeah, everybody shrunk down real quick. I had a feeling it would start with my friend someone. One guy once, kind of. Yeah. All right.

Three boys are dead after attempting to grill a hand grenade. The Mean Boys podcast will be taking legal action against the reporting newspaper for spoiling the finale of Snark Week. Oh, what kind of grill was it? A George Foreman grill, Tom. Yeah. You got to get it from both sides to get the solid grill. There's like six buttons.

You got bacon, chicken, grenade. Yeah, they're making grilled boom boom pineapple. That is an 80 episode callback. It is, yeah, exactly. Oh, man. In India, a surgeon has removed 263 coins from a man's stomach. The patient, believed to be high on mushrooms, just kept mumbling, it's a me, Mario. We cut him and he got smaller Yeah, he's got to grab a couple of them back so he can go fight Robotnik

Holy shit Surveillance footage shows a man attacking a meter maid For writing him a traffic ticket The man is currently facing two years of jail time And is currently Ramsey Bedawi's higher power. Very good. Alright, guys. After the Trump administration eased school nutritional standards, several less healthy options will be back

on the menu. The president said in a tweet, So long, chocolate president. Hello, chocolate milk. Yeah, that was the headline. Just like, chocolate milk is back. And I'm like, that's probably the best thing going on in school today. People just reaching for any good news. All right, he didn't outlaw fudge yet. All right.

Yeah, let's do this one. He didn't insist nuts be in all fudge, though, to just ruin it a little. I like nutty fudge. I do, too. All fudge is glorious. This is the thing we did once. I'll bring fucking Burrito Santa back. No Fudge Lord right now.

The Fudge Lord banishes Burrito Santa. I'm taking a unilateral action and banning characters for the next two hours. You hold no jurisdiction over the Lord of Fudge? I'm invoking my fucking NATO treaty abilities to veto this. No denying the gas. As a permanent member of the Mean Boys Character Council, I've decided that this is not fucking happening tonight. All right.

A Missouri couple was arrested for microwaving a baby. Authorities were disgusted with one officer saying, you can't microwave it, it's going to dry out. You want to do a nice pan sear and then bake it at 350. Pan sear? That's two dead kid jokes in a row.

Spoiler alert, there's one more coming. That would be the funniest mystery item in Chopped. Here's your baby. This is just called people veal. The first minute, they all just stand frozen. They don't know how to pick it up.

Fucking that douche with the glasses. He's just like, you're running out of time. You're running out of time. Oh, the host, Gay Dave Ross. All right. It looks like glitter may soon be dubbed a hazardous material. When dumped en masse into the ocean, scientists have noted an uptick in slutty dolphins. Well, at least they match the tattoos

people get of them. Oh my god, we're making real-life Lisa Frank boulders. Dude, I just want to see the Dawn ad where it's just like using Dawn soap to clean hookers on the beach after a spill. Oh, she got it in her blowhole. And her other blowhole.

Well, she's got two. They're right above her lips, you see. It's cocaine. Speaking of blowholes, a porno of a woman with a fidget spinner butt plug has gained popularity. Leave it to porn to find ways for fidget spinners to raise anxiety. Oh, God, it just spirals in there. Have you guys seen that? I saw, like, a picture of the butt plug, but I haven't. Well, there's the plug, and then the fidget spinner's out of it.

And you're gonna have some pretty weak cheeks to actually be able to spin that thing, because you're getting caught up on the cheeks. For research for this joke, I looked up fidget spinner porn. Yeah, research. You just got me an actress fidget spinner. It's pretty funny, because they can't spin the fidget and fuck, so it's like the guy would be like, yeah,

and then he'd stop and be like, swing! It's a real rubbing your tummy pat in your head situation. Yeah, it really is. Hear me out. I feel like obviously there needs to be some sort of fart that then turns it into a pinwheel. Well, welcome to your million dollar idea. That's how I swim around the pool. Yeah, Kyle writes on a legitimate television program.

Is that a holiday event for them? Yeah, he's missing a gathering of his friends and co-workers to come here and talk about, what if you farted and it made a pinwheel? That's why when tomorrow they ask how my thing went, I'm going to say, fine. Yeah, Kyle, you're doing Marin with somebody? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a big backlog. It's not coming out for years. I did that to the dude at the vape store the other day, and he was like, well, what do you do for work? And I was just like, I'm a writer. And he at the vape store the other day and he was like well what do you do for work and i was just like i'm a writer and he's like what do you write and i was like uh articles and he's like for like vice and i was like yes he's like what's your name adam todd brown the only person i could think of who wrote spice articles and then I gave him my ID because I had to be carded. And I was like, it's a pseudonym.

I'm like eight layers deep on a very unnecessary lie. I could have said the bank or Starbucks. Man, Inception 2 sucks. Were you going to say I'm a podcaster and there would have been no follow-up question? This guy doesn't know what a podcast is. Exactly. I can tell, but yeah, that's a good point. That name store has its own podcast.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right, guys, moving on. In light of the Ventura fires, L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti is warning residents to be ready to evacuate. In a PSA with XC and Sriwanka, he said we should be ready to get out. Get out. Only for Keith and Kyle. Are you guys going and seeing them?

They're playing on the 22nd. Oh, we sure are. I got my tickets. Mike Watt and the Meat Puppets are opening. I just saw that pop up because I was listening to it on spotify we need to go to i have tickets so we should go oh yeah 100 is a meat puppet a pocket pussy thing yeah yeah it's a guy giving a demonstration you know when nirvana covered those pocket pussy songs on the unplugged album that's my favorite thing that people don't acknowledge is that he does

three covers oh i know who meat puppets album yeah is weird. No, I do know who that is. I bet you don't. No, they inspire Nirvana, right? Tom, Tom, the Me Puppet has the floor. You went reaching so hard for that. Alright. New research shows that 44% of American men sit down to pee at home.

The study was published in What Are You Gay? magazine. Oh, man. We were going to get them as a sponsor. We were emailing. Them and Handball Quarterly. Yeah, Tom has a handball magazine at his house in the toilet. My sister was a national

handball player. Regular Chinese. My sister or handball? Touché, sir. Tom is feisty today. The two genders, regular and Chinese. That won't let me

into the Chinese bathroom anymore. Chinese bathroom. My favorite Guns N' Roses album. All right. The dumbest thing I've written for this before.

That cannot be true. The world's largest battery was just activated in Australia. In a speech commemorating the event, the Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull stated, You call that a battery? This is a battery. God damn it.

Fuck you. Fuck you, Kyle. But you can't see his Connor smile. Go to your party. We deserve better than that. That joke kept on blowing and blowing and blowing. Speaking of Asians, you see the turning magazine of,

dude, what are you gay monthly? That joke. Wow, a cover story, Kyle. Congratulations. My middle school boys. AKA our listening audience. And then the cover of Handball Weekly is just, what are you gay magazine?

Skyrocketing. I had to read the DM chain of me and the guy that was going to come see me in minneapolis and he's like yeah my dad found out i was trying to go and i'm grounded but uh i stole his credit card i'm on your patreon now like the two live crew of modern miss wet midwest boy yeah dude we fucking corrupt the youth dude uh bbc radio is under heat after they mixed up the two asians they brought into the studio the bbc claims it did not happen because they can't tell how Asians look apart. It was because they can't tell how Asians sound apart. I fucked that up so bad.

Yeah. I deserved what I got. All right, guys. Shut up, Kyle. I have bad news. We've encountered a lull, and I've already blown all my song parodies. Okay, guys. A new study shows women who ate their placenta saw zero health benefits.

They were, however, 25% more metal than the placebo group. Dude, eating the placenta, I almost want to just do that just to try. Yeah, I do, too. Yeah. I don't. You don't eat meat though so yeah yeah fuck you hit me you're not gonna break your vegetarianism for placenta meat yeah is that like an issue for either you guys because that's sort of a deal sealer for me we we've talked about this

on the show before that i kind of want to eat people meat yeah right yeah it's just it's a forbidden thing yeah i was put in a situation where i knew people where i could have made it happen i was a little disappointed i I'm kind of upset by this. The meat wasn't happening in the room with me or I would have eaten it, no questions asked. Even if it wasn't offered to me, I would have been like, no, daddy's getting a taste. You know, I know you're leaving out context to make it seem more legit and less sketchy, but not giving the context is making it sound way more sketchy in this case. Yeah, it was a BDSM club.

We've told the story where they showed him a video of someone cooking a part of a lady's leg and then feeding it to her. She wanted to get cooked. Yeah, I know. It would be rude not to eat her. Someone makes you a meal, cuts off part of their leg. Yeah, and you're like, I'm finicky. I saw you're allergic to cayenne. I would maybe chew it up and spit it out, but only if I knew the person was still alive.

Once you've chewed it up. Well, yeah, I was eating it in front of her. That's the whole deal. I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I couldn't eat a dead person's meat. I'm out. That's even weirder. It's like you would only eat somebody if they're still alive. Well, not.

I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't fucking. I have bad news for you about all the animals you've ever eaten, my friend. I know. Yeah, people are better animals, dude. I'm imagining, like, Cotter getting the meat in front of the girl and then having to shoot her in the head and then eat the thing. I wanted to die knowing I didn't enjoy how she tasted.

Alright, guys. Okay, let me just really quick check the audio. Yeah, it's been 16 minutes. We've already endorsed cannibalism. That's a start, boys! So here's hoping Studio Sweden doesn't actually listen to the show. They don't.

I just continue to need to up my game when I come on the show. Yeah, a lot more fun and extreme people than me. I need to show them Uncle Kyle can endorse cannibalism. Well, removing that off context, and saving it for if you ever run for office. Yeah, well, you know what? Doing poppers at night can only make you so edgy to our listeners. Doing this podcast means I can never be president.

I'm going to go ahead. Every person coming on the show accepts that that is the case. I'm going to go ahead and need a black guy hoagie so I can up my fucking edgy quotient. And we have the episode title. It's called a brogie. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shut up. Shut your fat mouth.

That was funny I just like the idea of a brogy being a sandwich With a little famous stars and straps hat on It sounds like an offbeat of corgi It sounds like it would be a cute dog Yeah brogy seems like it would be your nickname If you were English Or a dog

That was actually my dog impression Your dog impression is just your normal breathing. Let me do a goddamn joke. It was funny because for a minute I was like, God, they're really moving fast these days. No. A college professor has opened a queer feminist bookstore in rural Mississippi. The store specializes in female authors, writing workshops, and constantly being on fire. That's pretty good like that that feels like a brewster's millions like you have to lose as

much money as you can investment you can make more money with a flop bookstore than it hits yeah the bet like the best case for that business plan is you just don't get murdered for a while like it took out a seven i'm retiring tomorrow yeah seven million dollar insurance policy on the building you know and we just wait for the fucking Kristallnacht for lesbians, and then boom. It's like a weird version of, like, the producers where tomorrow they're like, Oh, no, everyone in Mississippi's gay now. Turns out they all love Sylvia Plath. This is bullshit.

Just found the plot to the Mean Boys movie. Bring time for Kathleen Hanna. In Mississippi. movie this old time for kathleen hannah and mississippi three three podcasters that's of a bookstore in rural mississippi all right uh a south korean surgeon compared north korean defector oh chong song's body to that of a broken and jagged jar he then said oh wait my bad i'm looking at a picture of keith care's teeth. Oh, fuck you. I didn't even get that picture. That's so crazy. So let me work you through my process.

I think I got it. No, no, no. It's for the listeners. Why have people not attacked Keith about as much as being all the other people? Oh, you definitely haven't been listening this week. Oh, really? People are onto the TV. Mo Mandel did a whole segment about it.

On Monday, I was calmly ripping into Mo Mandel and then my mouth just started bleeding. And then it was pretty much lights out for the Keith. That was game over for me. And bleeding aggressively, may I say. It's in the zeitgeist. Even your mouth is on board. He started to look like the Misfits logo

he made just because of all the blood. Russia has been completely banned from the 2018 Olympics for cheating in past Olympics. No news if they will be banned from the U.S. election for cheating in past elections. Hey, New Yorker Tom. It begins.

Oh, yeah. Tom just straightened his tie and winked at the camera. Alright, guys, and finally, a Jacksonville man was arrested for planning a mass shooting at his local Islamic center. If he was successful, he would have shot as many as eight people or approximately 75% of Florida's Muslim population. There's not a lot of those

down there. That's pretty good. Alright. We're three days into Snark Week. Here's the worst joke I've written for Snark Week so far. Hell yeah. Mine's still coming. An infant in India woke up in a bag on the way to his own funeral. Family members were shocked with one saying the baby was, quote, thank you, born again.

Oh no. I'm sorry, Hari Kondabalu. Don't yell at me. I don't know who that is, so I was like, are you just making up a weird meme? And then I was like, oh, I kind of recognize that. Both that and Ochong's song from earlier sound like made-up racist names.

All right. Oh, that was... Okay, do you want a shitty joke or my less well-thought-out attack at Keith? We're going to do both. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's start with the one.

Boner pill Viagra will soon be available over-the-counter in England. This is after the UK study last year revealed that British chicks are gross. That was great. First of all, it's great. Second of all, I love that you're just calmly saying the phrase, Bonerpill Viagra. Oh, that Viagra.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the race car Viagra. This is the one that was a hill to die on, so it's the erect masterpiece. Or for Keith, any hill. Starchy may soon be added to the list of flavor profiles of the tongue consents, along with sour, sweet, bitter, savory, and salty. There are two more flavors still up for debate, cummy and too many cigarettes, both of which can be sampled

by kissing Keith Carey. Aw, cummy. Yeah, well, that was sure long. It sure was. Cummy was a character on Blue Square, right? Sit down in my thinking chair and be calmed on. Ski. Ski.

I don't know. Why did I lose words for jizz? That's the whole show. Yeah, it's 90% of our career. It's the lifeblood of your career. It's the most of what I have to do. A woman has created a petition to remove painting Therese Dreaming from the Met because it sexualizes women.

The Met is compromising by putting in a no coming on the painting rule. You know, it was long due. Put those velvet ropes just a little bit further back when Tom comes in and they're like, I don't know. He can make the shot. You gotta put them all the way at fucking Wrigley Field.

And he sinks the three-pointer. Do you believe in miracles? I just pictured Tom dressed as Evel Knievel with his dick out. Oh my god, he blew him out over Snake River. Oh dude, Tom Goss cum Snake River. Oh, that's your guys' Christmas special, by the way. The Mean Boys cum over Snake River Canyon. We already have a cum-based special planned.

All right, that was a fucking fun Mexican joke. I'm going to take a piss, and we'll be right back with some more stuff. Are you a police officer involved in a brutality case? Statistically, you probably are. You've been placed on paid administrative leave, and now all you have to do is cash government checks and be mildly concerned you might get yelled at when you get back to work. Well, we think there's a better option. That's why Sandals is proud to announce the opening of our newest resort, the Coppa Cabana, a vacation destination exclusively for police officers on paid leave for accidentally shooting

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But there's much more to Copacabana than just a hotel. Out back is our world-famous golf course. Is this a crackhead's back? Because you won't be able to resist putting in 18 holes. Do a lap in our Olympic-sized swimming pool, or take a leisurely cruise around our new lazy river, the Thin Blue Line. Turn in your badge and gun and pick up a snorkel, because Copacabana has a tide pool filled with more fish than you can shake a loaded gun at.

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Get ready to plant your knife on our blackened catfish filet. Plus, there's a complimentary bowl of Brazil nuts at every table, and you can just call them whatever you want. All this and more is waiting for you at the Copacabana. You're going to be on vacation anyway. Why spend it worrying when you could spend it getting some rest and relaxation? It's the best investment you could make on the taxpayer's dime. For more information, contact your union rep or just keep being a cop in Chicago. You made a mistake with your gun. Don't make one with your fun. And the Mean Boys podcast returns gets the sensation she go up in the air come down and the mean boys podcast returns

with the return of one of our favorite newer segments letters to God now normally what we do on the segment is I pull letters that children have written to God and we answer as God we've done on the live show we've done it once in the studio as well while I was doing research for this one I kind of ran out of kid ones but I found

a website that just like holds on to people's messages to God that are written by adults. This is one of the saddest, most insane things I've ever seen on the internet. People turning to internet Jesus. It is just people losing their minds

and just like... We're scratching the surface of the darkness. I tried to pick bad ones that are fun. Hang on. You're telling me the ones that are fun. Four channel Jesus. Hang on. You're telling me the ones you sent me aren't from children? That's correct.

They probably wear diapers and do weird sex stuff. I thought it might have been a mixed batch because some of these should have been written by children. I'm going to be honest. I thought they were your listeners. Until right now, I thought that was the game. They all know that God has abandoned them. That's why they come to us. That's why they give us five bucks a month

On the collection plate There are literally like 64,000 pages Of these letters to God I visited a very historic church In Cork, Ireland And reading through the prayer book For things people wanted prayers about All alcohol related

And one Sega Genesis It was basically me just wading through people announcing they were about to kill themselves to get to some kind of funny ones. I thought we wanted funny ones. Come on. All right, so I'll go first. Dear God, why do people poison each other?

David. Dear David, great question. It's outdated. I gave you idiots guns, so quit fucking around with cyanide and get efficient with your murders. Poison is to guns what vinyl is to Spotify. Sure. Keith is really trying to move those last 89 copies of his album on vinyl. Forever nap. Available on Bandcamp. Wherever Evan Cassidy forgets to mail it to. Not a joke, got an angry email today.

Wherever Evan Cassidy's car is. So just go to a diner and wait. You'll get a copy. So this one, Dear God, give me money. I need $2,000 by the end of the week or I'm in big trouble. Help me from Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous, submitter of this prayer. You know, that sounds too impersonal. I'm going to call you Gary. No, wait. Dick licker. No, I'm going to stick with Gary. Dear Gary, at times of strife, I think it's important to remember God helps those who help himself. I've always liked that phrase. When it gets busy up here, it's a really useful way to get you deadbeats off

my dick. Especially around Christmas time. You wouldn't believe the shit that people are asking me around the end of the year. I'm cold. I lost my job. Help me get more subscribers on my Patreon. Jesus Christ, how needy can you fucks be? Did you call me, Dad? No, I was taking your name in vain.

Oh, are you doing prayers? Yeah, they're piling up. What about your fucking wieners? Truth be unto that. Yeah, you want doing prayers? Yeah, they're piling up. Oh, what a bunch of fucking wieners. Truth be unto that. Yeah, you want a beer? I shouldn't. I gotta go pick up Diane in like 20 minutes, and I promise I wouldn't reek of booze for our date tonight. Hey, hey, back off, man.

I really like this girl. She doesn't get all freaked out about how famous I am. I feel like she really sees me for me. Whatever, queer. You know what? Fuck it. I can have one. I'm a grown-ass deity, and I can do what the fuck I want.

Now, where was I? Oh,. I can have one. I'm a grown-ass deity and I can do what the fuck I want. Now where was I? Oh yeah, sorry Gary. Maybe next time, don't bet on the horses or try to get sex for free or whatever shitty thing got you in deep with the loan sharks. I mean, you're not only in deep, you're only in for too large, so they probably won't kill you. I get the feeling you're probably not a star athlete, so you know what?

Fuck your knees, dude. Wheelchairs are cool and you can get in the front of line at most theme parks with it. Let this be a lesson. Get your shit together and maybe that battle axe of an ex-wife will let you see your daughter for a few minutes at christmas try getting better for her because maybe then she can grow up to be a doctor and you can bum mounting off her instead of praying for it and i'll bet it'll work too because that wheelchair will really bum her out late kyle uh really working through some shit on these week's Letters to God. I was like, yeah, write some fun one-liner jokes,

and Kyle was like, oh, did you mean write a play? Don't worry, I wrote another play. Did you mean some kind of, like, just non-secular waiting for Godot-type absent nightmare? Waiting for Godot. All right, guys. Dear God, okay, so, like, my son is gay, and I love him, but his boyfriend is really hot and I'm jealous.

Why does my stunning son get all the hot young men while I'm stuck with my lazy husband, Gabriel? Dear Gabriel. Well, it's because you're too lazy to go to 7-Eleven and get a condom after the football game in 12th grade. The creepiest part about that letter is that she calls her son stunning. I feel like she kind of just wants to fuck her son.

I wonder how many kids fuck their moms. I bet the porn industry has some videos to send you. Too many would be my guess. Too many moms. Choosy moms choose Gabrielle's kid. Choosy moms choose Jeff.

Only fucked one mom. Weird. I fucked a couple moms. Never fucked a mom. Me either. You can definitely tell somebody was in there. I'm kidding. It's like when you walk into a room and you can tell there's an argument going on.

To any of the mothers I've had sex with who might be listening, you have a lovely womb. I prefer daughters. Nothing about what you just said is inherently wrong. I want that to sound when I get text messages. Also, I have exciting news for you. Most mothers are also daughters. Yeah, yeah, but they're most recently moms. I think it works that way.

Okay, cool. I'm not going to fight you on this for one second longer. Anyway. Dear God, I love kids and just want to adopt 74 kids. Please help me. Christy. Dear Christy. What are you trying to start up a sweatshop?

Sorry, dark sense of humor after... What the fuck are you doing, Koshy? I was trying to do reverb. Dark sense of humor after the Jews strung up my son. Here's what you do. Temporarily convert to Islam. They give you about 72 virgin children. Then afterwards, re-accept Christ. I know it sounds like Muhammad will be doing most of the work on this,

but the two children I give you will be white, so it evens out. Yours truly, Papa Christ. Everything about that is wrong. Tom, why did you say that like an English feudal lord? It wasn't me. It was God, man. I can't even. Shut up, Tom.

This is going exactly how I wanted it to. All right. Big Papa Christ. Big Papa Christ. Dear God, why did you take John Panette, the comedian, away from us so soon? Didn't he deserve a second chance on life? Why can't I find my own John Panette? Funny, warm, caring, huggable, cherub-like.

Don't I deserve better? Shelly. Dear Shelly, have you heard about Keith Carey? He's chubby, moderately polite, and down to fuck. He's got the body of Panette, the talent of Pinette on an off night, and thanks to his limited monthly food stamp budget, is financially incapable of eating himself to death, no matter how hard he tries.

Get that D, Papa G. Well, two consecutive Papas. We're learning something about the big man upstairs today. Dear God, I want to die and be reborn as a woman. Michael. Dear Michael, or should I say Michelle. What? Dude, you don't need to die and be reborn to become a lady.

They've got drugs and surgeries for that. Unless you mean that metaphorically, in which case, I hope when new life starts as a woman, you're less hacky with your metaphors. But for real, ask around. I'm pretty sure science has got you covered. I mean, I'm all for your journey to find the real you or whatever, but you are wasting your time asking me.

Pills, bro. They got pills for everything. Pills to make you a lady. Pills to make the voices stop. Pills that make you want to pay a bunch of money to see Diplo in Las Vegas. Do the lady thing, but don't stop. What else doesn't feel good? You gotta start knocking back more

feel-good candy. Anyways, good luck, and DM me some pics of the final results. I'm super into that. I thought a guy was gonna say, just kill somebody with your car on PCH and wait for shit to blow over. Pills that make you want to see Diplo in Vegas.

Yeah. I really want to go to one of those big black box like DJ shows, sober, and just observe. Just you in the middle of the crowd, just a foot taller than everyone. Everyone bouncing except me. Just a guy dressed as a jester shoots in the eyes with LSD. You can't see this!

Squirp! Okay, I got Joker toxin, but I think I'm kind of into this. God damn it. I guess I'm all into drops now. Dear God, what are your thoughts pertaining to my first set of recorded Christian raps? I come to you in Jesus Christ's name. Signed, Terrell

T.C. Dear Terrell, take my name off this shit, fam. Shit's whack, dude. Stop sending me your sound cloud. I live in a regular cloud. It's way better. By the way, TerrellTC is, I'm not exaggerating, taking up 80% of the posts on this website. What? This dude is fucking crazy.

Because it starts with just like, I love Jesus. How do I make rap? And then there's weird ones about like, yeah, the magnets are finding the silver. And that's how we're all going to Valhalla. And I'm like, oh shit. Dude, this guy fucking God doesn't have a record label. He sounds chill. God, I know you got

that Dat Piff account. For God so loved the world star. And it was tight. Dear Lord God, I know you know about the liars on the Christian website. Dirty liars. Rid the world of their

evil forever. Anonymous. Dear Bill Maher, why would you post anonymously? I am God. I've known you've believed in me for a while and you're doing a caricature of yourself sorry about the liars kink.com gave me some nasty computer viruses so it's hard to keep it kosher get Ha ha. Get it? If you want honest Christians, why would you come to this website? You need to get the truth from Facebook like everyone else.

Hey, Tom. Yours truly, the Big Daddy Upstairs. Hey, Tom, can I talk to Brita Santa again really quick? Oh, ho, ho. That's what I'm going to do whenever you make me mad. I'm just going to use this effect on you. I had my headphones in, so I didn't know what was happening for a second. Put the poop on me to my left.

All your subscribers went away. We just found the fucking shark jump moment of Snark Week. We jumped the snark. How long have you been sitting on that, Fred? Which came first, that or the concept? I wish I was smart enough. I had the name and I was like, what is

that? And I was like, I don't know, we'll just do a show every day. You guys want to do it? I'm like, well, it is a pretty good name. Alright, and final round. what is that? And I was like, I don't know, we'll just do a show every day. And he was like, you guys want to do it? And I'm like, well, it is a pretty good name. All right, and final round. God, I love you and I love my country. Please bless my country

with honest, powerful political leader to help restore India to her lost glory. Anonymous. Dear India, oh man, this is embarrassing.

I made you guys and then just totally forgot about you. My bad. Surprised you guys didn't notice. Tell you what, just let me take a look at what's going on in your neck of the woods and I'll see what I can do.

Sorry again, Snoop Doggy God. Follow-up. Dear India, wow. I mean, what happened? Holy shit. I googled India and it was just pictures of various poop rivers and a video of a monkey robbing a child at knife point while a bunch of grown-ups watched and did nothing.

Some of this is oversight on my part. Some of it's on you. I'm pretty sure somehow the whole deal is Britain's fault. I hate to say it, but at this point, you don't need a new president. You need a gas mask and a bus ticket. Enclosed is $40. That's got to be a lot in whatever nonsense shiny rock economy you guys have. Good luck. Yours in Christ,

God Stewart. Shiny rock economy. All right. Oh, wow. We are having a time. Yeah. Dear God, I googled Nickelodeon presents Elton John, and it suggested something similar. Neil Diamond, One Night Only on ITV.

I want to be able to acknowledge that these things are similar. Please help me do that. Thank you. Amen. Evan. Dear Evan. Jesus, where to start? What? Again, you have to assume I'm not calling you when I say your name.

You have to realize how confusing that is. Yes, but also, fuck you. Oh, did Diane call? She has not. Fuck, she was so pissed when I showed up for our date. Man, I am really worried I fucked things up being so selfish. Dude, fuck Diane. Let's go out tonight. The Deftones are

playing in Riverside. Fuck yeah. Just let me finish this last prayer. Anyways, Evan, it sounds like this conversation did sound better on the podcast This Is Rad. New episodes every Wednesday on iTunes and wherever platform you get podcasts. And scene. Kyle, oh, I bit off more than I could chew.

Better use that same joke again and then plug my podcast in my appreciation for the Deftones. One of those 35-plus rock and roll bands that you don't like until you wake up with a bad back. There's no funnier fake concert than the Deftones playing in Riverside. That's funnier than Smash Mouth at the Food for Less on Sunset that they were doing on Facebook for a while. Alrighty, guys. And finally,

Almighty God, please just say yes, and like Superman, make me a love man for pleasing all good-looking, unsatisfied women. But with all secrets and powers to satisfy always, all the time, with secrecy and privacy always, please God, make me a love man and give me a love team to fight war on terror. Signed, Mr. Muscle Mind muscle mind tom we could just help you here

uh dear mr dear mr muscle mind uh i don't really know what you're talking about uh yeah sorry i never fixed that chromosome glitch before i took the universe out of alpha testing if you want to fuck better just remember the clit is higher than you think it's going to be, and the hole is lower than it's going to be. As for the tear shit, that's a... I tried to riff something. I couldn't think of anything. I forgot about that part. I didn't do a very good job on these.

All right. Tom, with the last letter to God. Dear God. No, leave it on. Oh, really? Okay. Dear God. No, leave it on. Oh, really? Okay. Dear God, I don't wish much.

I only wish that all people other than the white race would die in a gruesome show of guts as they are boiled alive in acid mixed with antifreeze. I wish that their skin would freeze and burn at the same time

and that their eyes would burst and be replaced with salted lemons as the blood poured from their eye holes and that they would eventually to end their suffering only to miss any vital tissue as their screams die down, as the acid fills

their lungs, until they drown in a pool of their own blood and burning flesh. I've been waiting for years. Please make this happen. Sincerely, Cameron White. With the voice, it just sounds like an Evil Run the Jewels intro. Here's the thing. That seemed really funny in my head when I said it to Tom, and I'm like, oh, what a fun bit that'll be.

Yeah, then hearing it back, I'm like, wow, there's a lot of bad things in the world. There's also still no proof to me that these are not your listeners. Dear Cameron, I've been working on it. Satan has been fucking up my game since the 60s. He's what the kids call woke. He's the one that popped Harvey Weinstein

and was the first to leak out the cop shootings to the press. He was completely ruined many of my Aryan plans, including foiling Hitler and pledging heavily to the Black Lives Matter movement. He also gave the Tin Man a heart and the lion courage. He didn't help the scarecrow because he was secretly anti-Semitic.

His recruiting has gotten more effective as of late now that people know that my propaganda depictions of him are inaccurate. And he actually looks like an African Gary Busey. Also, he gained a lot of power when he stole AC in hell. Look at me rambling here. Got to get going. George Zimmerman just walked into a Popeye's, and I need to get there before the press does. Wow. Yours sincerely, Grand Wizard Christ Sr.

P.S. Trump 2020. Tom, that might be the funniest thing you've ever done. Oh, my God. The devil is woke. It's kind of how, like, you know, Democrats used to be racist. In our republic, it was switched. It's, oh, boy, God's an asshole now. And the devil's just fighting for civil liberties.

Holy shit. Yeah, I was a little nervous when you first said that one. Yeah, I know. That's why I said it to you. I was like, I'm definitely giving this to Tom. You guys ever want an example of sticking a landing? I was like, one of two things is going to happen. He's going to knock it out of the park, or he's going to eat shit so hard that it goes in the black file and becomes the funniest thing we've ever heard.

Oh, well, that was 30 for 30. I didn't believe Tom could do it. Yeah, I just heard Chariots of Fire while he was working through that. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Do-do-do-do, Tom. The Mean Boys Podcast will be right back. Oh, my God.

Christmas is coming up, and I don't know what to get my friends, family, and assorted loved ones. And various non-Jews in my life. What should I do, Keith? I'm out of ideas. Have you considered getting them some fucking premium Swedish headphones from Studio Sweden? What?

Yeah. They're the top of the fucking line in making sound going to your head. Studio headphones. Studio hit me up today asking if they could listen to our ads, and I was like, no, just go find them. We're selling headphones.

What does it matter, dude? Never round back. Now, Studio makes a damn fine headphone. Connor is wearing the Regent model right now. He looks like a sexy Tron lady. Yeah, they're the premium on-ear model. These things sound fantastic. They've got hours of motherfucking battery life,

super quick to charge, Bluetooth capability, corded capability with the beautiful flat ramen noodle cord that does not tangle or tear. It sounds like we're being sarcastic with how much attention we pay to this cord not tangling. It truly is a life-changing event. I fucking love these goddamn headphones, dude. It's my favorite thing I own. Ever since we got these headphones, Connor has just been like 8% less shitty as a human being. Yeah. It's like you took a rock out of your shoe that you were walking around with for 22

years. It's done more than Zoloft therapy and girlfriends ever could. Just because I can hear the dulcet tones of Glenn Danzig and the Misfits clearer than ever before. Studio! Fill your ears up with Swedish noise!

Yeah, so that's his solo work, but I'll forgive the passé. Not passé, the fucking oopsie-doosie. What's the French word for dizzily-do? Oh, I'm so tired, everybody. Faux pas. Faux pas, yeah. Oh, God, snark madness is upon us. I just hope this isn't anyone's first episode.

We're usually 10% better than this. I doubt they're going to be like, well, the show was hot fire, but oh, the commercials were a bit disorganized. I guess I hate this podcast. You use promo code Mean Boys 15 for 15% off. Free shipping all over the goddamn world. And man, if you drop these under the tree, you're going to be a rock star. You're going to get that Christmas pussy. No pussy better than Christmas pussy.

I do like both of our ads have boiled down to this product will get you laid or christmas dick yeah no one who doesn't like a christmas dick christmas genitals of your choice yeah christmas coming and if you're not a christian person you can get i don't know ramadong like hana cunt uh so go to studio sweden.com uh pick some up and uh just be a rock star. Get that Christmas pussy. And pussy like a ninja. Ting. And the Mean Boys podcast returns to play another round of our favorite game, Witch of the Following.

We're giving the listeners a break this week. I made a Witch of the Following. This is a game of Witch of the Following on things that Dwayne Peters did. Who is that? Kyle knows this. Dwayne Peters is sort of a legend in Orange County, both in the punk rock and skateboarding community. He's the singer of a lot of bands, including the US Bombs. He's a very famous pro skater. He is also a

fucking maniac. I'm going to show you a photograph of this man, and I just want to get your first reaction, Tom. What do you think when you see this man? Oh, definitely killed someone. That's a good picture. Yeah, this is one of... He looks handsome there. You're getting a lot of text. Yikes.

He looks like he's made out of Play-Doh. Yeah, he looks how I should look, given the life I've lived. Yeah. Do you know a fun fact about him and his ties to comedy? U.S. bombs were the house band and the pilot to Premium Blend. Somebody just fucked up part of this game. All right.

Points for me. But that is absolutely true. Okay, I'm going to go with that one's real. Well, we'll get there. But let's start with round one. Which of the following did Dwayne Peters not do? A. Fucked the wife of social distortion singer Mike Ness. B. Robbed the same 7-Eleven twice in one day.

C. Skated face first through a plate glass window. Or D. Broke a cop's nose with a skateboard, then jumped out a four-story window to escape. Ooh. I'm going to say I don't think he fucked Mike Ness' wife. I'm going to say that as well. That one, that one, the other ones feel very, they look like something that guy would do. Getting pussy is not something I feel like he does a lot. And also, if there's one more violent man than him, it would be Mike Ness.

The Waybeaters could kill Mike Ness. Mike Ness is famous for fighting, though. Yeah, even then. Because he's not like a guy who's just like. Wait, does Mike Ness use the attack PK ring of fire? Shut the podcast down. I've always said that. Adrian's close.

My joke for no one but anybody in this room is that every time a 40-year-old man gives himself a pompadour, Mike Ness gets another story on his house. So I think it's the 7-Eleven one because in the Bukowski round, I know he robbed a gas station multiple times, the same one. So I'm wondering if maybe that was borrowed from that. Interesting logic. Now, the only hole in your logic is we have never played this game about Bukowski.

Or it wasn't Bukowski. It was Hunter S. Thompson. Hunter S. Thompson, yeah. And the correct answer is A, Fuck the Wife of Social Disorder. Yeah, me and Kyle on the board. Not only did he rob the same 7-Eleven twice in one day, it was the same one. He forgot that he had done it the first time. Because he was so high.

Checks out for Dwayne Peters. So you guys are getting a feel for this. This is really like the stepdad Keith never had. You know, this is... Yeah. If you put all your stepdads... No, he had the stepdad. All of your stepdads in the machine from the fly and created one man.

Off-camera story to be told. In a minute. Round two. A. Was fired from a job selling used cars for his dad after injecting speed into his neck during work. B. Learned the secrets of meditation from an amputee in an L.A. County jail. C. After a night of blackout drinking, discovered he had accidentally started a rivalry with the Hells Angels. And D. Competed in a contest in Brazil with two broken ribs, eight broken fingers, and one. Ooh.

I'm going to say C. Okay. C was the Hells Angels? Yes. Yeah. I feel like him and the Hells Angels would get along. See, I feel like the Hells Angels would just think he's not worth the effort. Yeah.

They seem like a pretty petty organization. They're like, this is some JV shit. We're already a motorcycle gang. We're going to beat up a skateboarder? No thanks. To the next gentleman. He definitely plays hurt. He did that contest. motorcycle gang. We're going to beat up a skateboarder? No thanks. I know this guy definitely... He definitely plays hurt. He did that contest. He for sure

meditated for a minute before discovering that he could clear his mind easier by destroying all valuable brain cells. And I don't remember what the first one was, so I'm going to say C. A got fired selling used cars for his dad after shooting speed up into his neck during work. Oh, man.

I'm going to go the played hurt one. Okay. The correct answer is C, the Hells Angels. Yeah. Tom and Kyle batting apart. I knew Kyle would probably kill this. Oh, man. Tom, shockingly losing.

Yeah. 0-2. Yeah. Can we, for how many rounds we have left? Three more. Can we replace Dwayne Peters with Keith's mother for the next round? Sure.

I mean, it won't be as funny as it would have been in the last one. Which of the following did Keith's mother not do? A. Was used as the basis of a character in a Tony Hawk Pro Skater video game. B. Joined the cast of a German stage play about the life of Charles Bukowski.

C. Was the musical performer for the flamethrower guitarist in Mad Max Fury Road? Or D. Led the house band for Comedy Central's

Premium Blood? Oh, yeah. Dude, I gotta think. I gotta figure it's the Fury Road one because I feel like I would have read that. I'm gonna say A.

Okay. Tom? What was A and B? A was the Tony Hawk game. B was in a German stage play about Bukowski. Uh-huh.

Fuck. Tom is just Googling auditions for that play. And where is Germany? And what is Germany? And also, what is a play? Also, what is Google? His phone is also melted into a dollar painting. Also, going back to the last one, what are rigs?

I thought they were just food, but I think that was something different because he broke them and that made it hard. He is also doing all of this on a Sesame Street toy phone. He just keeps pressing the Grover button. Well, I don't know. You did nothing wrong. It's the same letter as Germany. I figured I'd get there eventually. I'm pretty smart.

I think D's real. You can't find detective work Gus uh uh you already forgot what I said fuck I'm gonna

I'm gonna go I feel like the Tony Hawk one's real uh uh and the other two were okay the German play

and what was the last one uh played the guitar uh for the flamethrower guy in Mad Max I'm gonna go that one actually no

I'm gonna go B okay the correct answer is C. He was not the musical performer for that guitarist. Ooh, perfect game so far. Was it Buckethead? No, it was some asshole. I thought it was Junkie XL, because he did the other stuff.

Junkie XL did the rest of the music, but they had a specific guy come in and do the guitar part. Was it Wes Orland? Tom, go ahead and double check that and Google it on your KFC laptop meal. Which Tony Hawk game was he in? Because I played those games too much. So he was the basis of it.

You played American Wasteland, right? Oh, is he supposed to be the kid from American Wasteland? The old guy who gets arrested, who is literally Dwayne. Oh, he's the basis. But yeah, but they would... They couldn't give him the rights to it. I think they just didn't want to give Dwayne money. Yeah, no, that was why I picked him.

Yeah, that never ends well. There's no fucking way Tony Hawk gave him money because they were brutal rivals. Funny you should mention that because round number four. I know a lot about Dwayne Peters. Which of the following did Dwayne not do? A. Accused Tony Hawk of orchestrating the death of his son as part of a Nazi conspiracy. B. Developed an addiction to having sex with an inflatable doll, which he eventually stabbed and buried in his backyard.

C. Had a seizure while riding a motorcycle. Do you think you could get him on this show? I'm going to work on it. We could be done. It's funny because I Googled it for this, and the first article that came up just said, Dwayne Peters is missing. And then the next one said,

Dwayne Peters is missing again. I swear to God. Wow. Look, when Jack Grisham retired from being a maniac, someone had to take up that mantle. Jack Grisham has been on the Mean Boys feed. He was on the first 12 questions. Oh, that's right. And D, stole a tractor from the Orange County Fair.

Ooh. Fuck. So we've got, call Tony Hawk a Nazi child murderer. For sure happened. That happened. Yeah. Fuck stabbed an inflatable doll and then buried it in his backyard. Who hasn't?

Definitely. Had a seizure while riding a motorcycle or stole a tractor from the Orange County Fair. I got to go steal a tractor from the Orange County Fair. Fuck, you've got a good run going, so I want to say that, but part of me thinks that it's a seizure on a motorcycle. Tom, how are you leaning? I'm actually, I think the, I'm going to go with the blow-up doll one. Okay. As not real?

As not real. Okay. Just because, like, I think we could fill it with just way more insane things if it was real. Like blood. Yeah. Like blood, Kyle. Just based off the vibe of this dude. I feel like he has tattoos that could top that.

Do you feel like they're, one of the people that just put warm water on their sex dolls so they feel more like a human? Can I throw you guys my favorite fact? Yes. A thing that I love ruining conversations with. Please do. So I was listening to something they were talking about, the Real Doll Company. Yeah. And you know a problem the Real Doll Company has, this is a real thing as far as I've heard from a guy in a bar, is that they get a lot of returns.

And the problem with the returns is they open them up and they're all cut up. Yeah. Yeah, no, I heard that my friend worked at the Real Doll Factory. Yeah, problem with the returns is they open them up and they're all cut up. Yeah. Yeah, no, I heard that my friend worked at the Real Doll Factory. Yeah, okay, so this is the thing that checks out. Because that's fucking awesome and insane. He told me about that and it was terrifying because he showed me something. And I was like, oh, fuck. That's like they find a lot of serial killers go into stores and just cut leather jackets because they like the feeling of cutting flesh.

Oh, fuck. I'm going to say that's bad because I'm on recording right now. I'll stop it. Filling a blow up doll with blood. I'm also going to say D. I forget how horny you are for murder. Never forget that. It's the most important fact. We got two Ds. What do you say, Tom?

Sure glad we did that after we heavily endorsed cannibalism. Unilaterally across the board. I thought we came to snark week, son. I got uncomfortable enough to forget what we were talking about. We bumped Tom out. I don't remember. Serial killers genuinely just make me uncomfortable. So fucking Kickflip Jenkins got mad at Tony Hawk or something.

Kickflip Jenkins. We have an episode title. I was really banking on Slut We have an episode title. Yeah. I was really banking on Slutty Dolphin. Yeah, honestly. It was close. I know. Honestly, if you said, if B was with a real woman, I would have said it was real, but I think it's B.

Excellent. The correct answer is D. He did not steal a tractor from the Orange County Fair. Wow, man. This is the best I've ever done at this game. I don't usually do this bad. I have a 50% chance to not fuck it up. All right. Round five.

All real or all fake. Did Dwayne Peters do these things? A. Got high on painkillers and attempted to fist fight a boardwalk caricature artist. B. Shit in a sink in a strip club. C. During a domestic dispute, used a Nintendo GameCube to give somebody a concussion. Or D. Jumped out of a truck while it was going 90 miles an hour on the 405 freeway. These all happened in the same 24 hour period. These are all real.

Okay. I got to say all real. You know what? I've got, I've got nothing. I've already lost. I'm going to say all fake. The great answer is those are all fake.

Those are all things that people in my family have done. The first two are me. Wait, can you read them again? I forgot. Shit in the sink in a strip club. The first two are me What was the second one? Shit in the sink in a strip club I was eight years old What? My mom worked there I didn't take a shit

The toilet was broken The third one is my little brother And the fourth one is my mom So two things First thing I've heard that GameCube story And that's why I thought they were true, because you've definitely told me that before. Oh, for sure, yeah.

And two, I had a weird moment of conscience recently. I was parked at the Grove, and I was using it, and they have a much nicer bathroom than my work, so I was dropping a deuce there, but on my way out, I saw somebody had shit in one of the urinals, and it was just sitting in a very

fancy bathroom with just diarrhea in the urinal. And I decided because I had started to get ready to take a photo of it to send the three of you. And then I realized I can't be the guy taking pictures of diarrhea in urinals at a place I have to go to more than once a week. So what you're saying is that guy wasted a perfectly good dump in a urinal. And nobody memorialized it. Why did he do it? So people wouldn't see it? I started to slow down.

That's like burning the Unabomber's manifesto. I mean, that was his whole legacy. That would have grossed me out. I'm glad that's said. I'm really disappointed. I just imagine flushing it and you get that afterspray where you just get covered in diarrhea and you go back to work. You're like, okay, so your line's DMX for the second segment. Not since the Westwood Brew Co. have I seen that.

Rest in peace. Well, that was Witch of the Following. Have I seen that? Rest in peace. Well, that was Witch of the Following. We'll be right back with your questions, your voicemails, and who knows what right after this. Rip roaring good time. The Mean Boys Podcast is brought to you, as always, by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. If you're wondering where Burrito Santa is right now,

we killed him. He's dead. We killed him. We beat him to death with clubs and hit his body in a shallow creek. Burrito Santa is in Mission Viejo getting ready to host his open mic. The professional broadcasters of the group are here to tell you that you've got to

eataburrito.com to find out everything you wanted to know about one specific burrito place. That's so stupid. We're sponsored by one business that has one location. not a chain at all. It can't be any way we've made them a dollar. If every single listener of Mean Boys bought a burrito, he would have lost money on this.

If everyone that's ever listened bought two burritos, it would have been a mild profit. But you know what? He's like an early investor. He's like what the Winklevoss twins were to Bitcoin. That's why I respect Don Carlo. Yeah, his fucking snark tank. And he got in early. And goddammit if he doesn't make a damn fine product. The shit is delicious. Get your event catered

if you're anywhere near the San Diego area. Do you want a big shitty party sub or do you want a cooler full of delicious fucking tubes of joy? Yeah, I mean, check this out. I'm at the La Jolla Comedy Store December 28th, right? If you come see me, we're all going to Don Carlos.

We're going to eat these burritos. We're going to talk about how great the burritos are, how great I am. Yeah. I'll probably come up in some less flattering capacity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are going to be fucking,

it's going to be insane. Yeah. This burrito place will make you fuck. So go to eataburrito.com if you want to eat the only burrito that'll make you fuck.

Quong! Oh, and the Mean Boys podcast returns with some of your questions, your tweets, your voicemails. Overwhelming response to Kyle Clark's return to the show.

It's almost as if we have parallel listenership. We stole some people from Unpops 2, okay? And we got a couple Tony Hinchcliffe straggly fans. If you had me and Adam

on an episode, your podcast would just collapse. Be like, oh no, mild relevance! Our recorder just melted and it said its work here is done. Before we get into the tweets, I just got a text right before we started recording from a former guest of the show, Rich Slayton, says,

listening to the Gareth episode, FYI, as I learned researching for our show, there are still 14 states in the U.S. that have no laws on the books regarding animal fucking. That ties into the... I'm listening. Yeah. We told the bestiality story yet again yesterday.

Yeah. Oh, didn't you have a thing with the... Hey, Kyle, did you know about this? No, we're not doing this. We're not doing this. We're not doing this again. I've told this story so many times that I get heckled with it. Yeah, that was pretty funny.

I've had a dick full of that. So let's go into your tweets. So did the dog. Sorry. At Claire to the Max says, what would you pick as your third-rate superpower? Like, it's technically a superpower, but it's pretty weird,

and you probably wouldn't advertise it. Oh, it's been a parking spot. Oh, man, that's real good. Yeah. That's like a practical one. I was going to say I do that eyeball thing with my guy from Ripley's, believe it or not. Oh, you can just pop him out? Pop him out a little bit.

I can shake my eyes. Look. I don't know what you think you're doing, but it's not interesting Oh, you can just pop them out a little bit? I can shake my eyes. Look. I don't know what you think you're doing, but it's not interesting. They're shaking. No, you're just fluttering your eyelids.

Oh, I'd want a snake jaw. I mean, you look cute as fuck, but like... Yeah, you look like a cartoon prince. Well, fuck. I'm not sharing any of my powers with you.

You can find your own spots, you assholes. Yeah, I'm going to go snake jaw. Oh, fuck. That's a good one. I like how you said that. That was a preordained multiple choice answer. Oh, of course. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go snake jaw. Oh, fuck. That's a good one. I like how you said that. That was a preordained

multiple choice answer. Oh, yeah, I'm going to go snake jaw. Yeah, sometimes. You know why I need the snake jaw. I want to eat a burrito like a pelican.

I'm very busy. Oh, yeah, snake jaw. Can I do not needing to sleep? Is that one? That feels like a medium power. Snake rattle.

Yeah, snake rattle. I'm going snake rattle. I want a sassy music, but just imagine you finish, you tag a joke, and then go, That's your Killer Bees better save up. Killer Bees. I think he's been brought up on the show multiple times. Southern comedy, regional superstar. Oh, you mean a bunch of comedians who are very comfortable in Fresno or familiar with the works of Killer Bees?

I'm about to be the Killer Bees of the Central Valley, dude. I sell out in Porterville. All right. Tao the Interdimensional asks, what's the best and or worst thing that's happened to you because of being so insanely tall? I'll take this one. I would say I hit my head probably once a day pretty bad. Okay. Yeah.

Like just in life. That's why Kyle's so dumb and ugly. I got hepatic head trauma. Because he's got a big, banged up, dumb, ugly head with no brains inside of it. I got that CTE, but also a high pain tolerance. Not a great combo. I'm like an NFL player, but fat. I like to think Kyle just keeps hitting his head.

So you're using a defensive lineman. Yeah, well, Kyle keeps hitting his head just to get more Vic defensive lineman Yeah, well Kyle keeps hitting his head Just to get more Vicodin Yeah, no It's the same spot Oops, oops, oops Why am I wearing lifts in my shoes? Yeah, I did

What did I tell you about Misplacing my Vicodin hammer? Can't find pants That's the hardest part about being tall I gotta tell you It is absolutely the worst Because you wear what? A 36-92?

I mean, it was a mistake to say this on this podcast I haven't worn men's pants in a long time. Sorry, what? Because I found that old Navy women's jeans fit perfectly, so I've been wearing them since I was 16. God. Wow, that's awesome, dude. I'm wearing a boot cut right now.

That's awesome. I'm so overjoyed with this news. Yeah, they're great. Everybody should do it. Men's pants are dumb. You lose the pocket space because you're supposed to have a purse, and so that's kind of a bitch, but I've made – But you also have a purse.

I do carry a purse. So I've just made – I'm fine with it. And his butt looks fantastic. It doesn't look bad. Yeah. Well, I mean I wear almost exclusively women's pants in my youth. It's a good time, and they're super comfortable. I like the way they're cut.

I wanted to make fun of you, but also I kind of want to get on you. Dude, it's going to blow your mind. You guys, this is how we take this podcast to the next level. We all start wearing women's pants. I want to make fun of both of you, but I barely have pants in general. I had to liberate your pants

from a lockbox. With a hammer. Horatio Von Zipper asks, are you the person now who you thought you'd become when you were 10? Unfortunately, yes. This is exactly about where I thought I'd be.

Absolutely not. What did you think you were going to 10? Unfortunately, yes. This is exactly about where I thought I'd be. Absolutely not. What did you think you were going to be? Like a Buddhist leader. Oh. And a hockey coach. You kind of are. Kind of that. Like this weird golden child where you're the reincarnation of...

You espouse confusing values to a lot of people. You basically are... So in my parents' religion, if you're born into it, they call you a fortune baby. What? Okay. So we're giving you a jacket with that embossed on the back. Fortune baby. My God, please do not. My mom will get very excited and think

I got religious again. And then we all get to hang out with your mom. Yeah. No. I've already met large portions of your family. I'm just trying to complete the set. Yeah, yeah. Well, we can do that, but let's do it without religion. I love that we're finding all the things that make

Tom uncomfortable today, and all it is is cannibalism, Dwayne that, but let's do it without religion. I love that we're finding all the things that make Tom uncomfortable today, and all it is is cannibalism, Dwayne Peters, and meditation. No, I like Dwayne Peters. I don't like the dookie in the toilet. Oh, that's what it was. I sadly think I have become. I feel like I went a real roundabout route where teenage Kyle would be real confused. Yeah.

But yeah, I think 10-year-old me would be pretty stoked. 10-year-old me had pretty clean expectations of what I wanted to be. I was like, I'm going to go to Harvard. I want to be a lawyer. That was my whole thing. I wanted to be a smart book guy. I think that 14-year-old me would be very thrilled about how everything turned out. I wanted attention and to touch a boob, and I've accomplished both of those, so I could

retire according to 10-year-old me. Yeah, at that point, I probably wanted to be a magician. Oh, I think I did too. Yeah. No, actually, no. At 10 is when I decided I wanted to be a comedian at 10 years old

because I remember I was in fourth grade. At 22, I decided to become a comedian a year after starting. You know what's funny? It's like, yeah, at 14, I wanted to become a comedian.

Before that, actually, it was probably like 13, 12. But I feel like 12-year-old Tom would hate 24-year-old Tom's comedy. You're like, oh, I'm glad we did this, but you suck. All right. Small girl Kyle would be a big Connerman Spadden fan. At Chevron Cupcake asks, why slow ride? In reference to your tattoo.

I can explain that one. For anybody who doesn't know. I just got a slow ride tattoo on my back. It's a 70s font that says slow ride over my left shoulder blade. The first story I ever wrote when I was in college and really committed to trying to become like a writer and make a go of it as a career and a lifestyle. The mother in that story has a slow ride tattoo in that spot. It's a little different. That one the mother in that story has a slow ride tattoo in that spot it's a little different that one was like in calligraphy and it was implying that she had at one point

dated one or all of the members of fog hat the first story i'd ever written that i liked and felt like proud of and it was like the first thing i'd ever made that i was like super proud of and felt like was mine and so about 10 years ago i was like oh i should get that and really like force myself to have to like be constantly reminded that this is what I want. Yeah, I remember having a lot of conversations that you were like, talk me into or out of getting this tattoo. Is fog hat a cloud? Yes. It's a cloud for mountains.

Okay. I like that you said the most sincere thing that has ever been said on this podcast at the top was just like, well, it's my duty. As the Buddha, he gave us a delicious cup. Like an unwilling executioner came in and beheaded that charming moment. Yeah, yeah. I'm charm executor. There we go. Connor, what do you got in the old mailbag?

We got some voicemails here. I have not vetted these. So enjoy. Oh, also, Nick Shades, I would fuck Keith, kill Connor, marry Tom. Okay, fair enough. I've stopped answering that because we get that every week. Is it the same answer every time? Everyone shut up. Yeah, pretty much.

Yo, what up, come daddy business? You just must be. It's your boy, Count Palatio. Calling in from Kansas. Represent. This isn't Zach Miller. This is your boy, Count Felatio, calling in from Kansas. Represent. This is in Zach Miller. The show is awesome. Also, a car knock for President 2020.

Yeah, he's cool. Have to check that shit. If you guys ever feel like doing a show in Kansas, me and my buddies will be your mindless fuck zombies audience. I'm listening. For a night with Superdrunk. It'll be a good time. Yeah, hit me up.

Coming out here. Anyways, you guys do good work. Keep up the shit. Is he landing an airplane? Clearly in a field. I love the sirens in the background. My phone line said I can't. Oh, shoot.

Can I ask a question? How did you guys only find the gay juggalos? Dude, what a weird dude. This guy was like, yeah, I just got drunk off Nutmeg. Let me call the mean boys and tell them I want them to come to Kansas. Nutmeg and cough medicine, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a gentleman. They call that drink the Kyle Clark at the bar. Most of our voicemails come from people who we actively mock for 100% of the run time

of the show. Yeah. Oh, man. He seems like a nice dude. Yeah, he does. Well, thanks, Kansas fuck zombie. That is nice. All right.

What do you call him? Big Daddy Kumquief or something? Probably. Big fellatio. Count fellatio, yeah. All right, let's see what this is all about. Connor and Keith, you guys are a bunch of faggots. What are you even doing with your life like are you even alive

like mike's got some words for you you have a fucking long day can you fucking through all your ears going through all your extremities this is the same guy he doesn't have a friend. 847's a Chicago area code. Hey, shut up. You even know what's going on? You should probably come to Chicago. It'll be a fun show. Bye.

He's right. You guys have wasted your lives. You're gay. Tom is fine, I guess. Come to the Windy City. Two are faggots, one does not matter. Come to us. And you know what the worst part is? Sure, man, we're coming.

Yeah, we are coming to Chicago. We'll probably see you there. You guys didn't think I knew Eric Cuts, huh? I'm trying to convince Matt Dwyer to come out of retirement for like one weekend so I can open for him in Chicago and then watch him die of alcoholism. But he has like a wife and kid and so it's irresponsible for him to do, and then watch him die of alcoholism but he has like a wife

and kid and so like it's irresponsible to do but i feel like periodically just getting to come on man we could make a lot of bad calls i feel like you've got a lot of friends we go harassing uh this is murph i fucking send you a bunch of games and shit why does everyone have the same voice because they're your listeners i can send you a bunch of games and shit while I'm bored at work all the fucking time. I had a fucking wicked funny story. Connor talking about me. What? I checked MRSA.

I got MRSA off one of my exes, and then I spread it around to everybody. But friggin' apparently one time I touched one of the boils, and it rubbed my eye. I got a boil on my eyelid, and I didn't know what it was or whatever. So that shit just all leaked out into my eye. Oh, God. Oh, that's wicked funny. Like, can't see a goddamn thing. I go to the fucking doctor and they say that I have the fucking shit in my eye.

That's what the doctor said? You got the fucking shit in your eye. Oh, shit. He saved his eye. That's what the doctor said? You got the fucking shit in your eye. Oh, shit. He saved his eye. And I had to wait until the next morning. I would have had to fucking cut my eyeballs out. Oh, shit. And then spread through my optic nerve and up into my brain.

I mean, he told me that, and I was like, fucking yeah, right. I fucking bet that's what's going to happen. Like, thinking he's just making up some crazy shit. Like doctors do. I got a job driving short bus. And fucking, there's this dude, he's nonverbal, whatever. some crazy shit. Like doctors do? I got a job driving short bus and fucking it was just dude he's nonverbal whatever so he

couldn't say like hey I can't see so his shit didn't get taken care of and fucking yeah straight up empty fucking

eye socket so that was some serious shit. So I don't know moral of the story cover up your fucking boils. Good luck with

snark week and you guys are fucking boils. Good luck with Snark Week. You guys are fucking best. Holy fucking... Who is this horrible man? That guy's cool as fuck. That guy's awesome. Hang on.

There's so much to unpack with what just happened. Number one... Number two, the greatest thing is he says, Short Punch Driver, which, spoiler alert, is the last thing that Tom hates in the lightning round for the live episode that's going out tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Tom – oh, it's already out today. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tom fucking hates short-pushed drivers. This guy seems all right. He seems all right. They had – well, honestly, I – yeah. I mean there were a couple drivers that honestly were really – why don't you give me a signed Phyllis Diller book? Oh, yeah. Forget it, buddy. You know what I mean?

I feel like if you're a special kid and you lose your eyes, they should just put peanut M&Ms in there. You seem like someone I would not like when I was in special ed, but would like now, if that makes sense. Moral of the story, cover up your fucking boils, is one of the best sentences that's ever been on the podcast. Disgusting and funny. Wicked funny.

Two points. First, I've not read One Flew Over over the cuckoo's nest but have we checked tom's life against it to make sure he's not fucking with all of us and two in advance when i run into this fan at a show at some point he's like hey you know the mean boys yes you can bum a cigarette dude everyone that's left voicemail so far i know i do not know where to get pills but i can give you bus fare. They have the same voice. He's got a bus.

Yeah, I fucking listen to the Mean Boys or whatever while I'm all gacked out on fucking painkillers at my truck lifting job. Yeah, I smelled a bunch of my mom's nail polish remover. I went to my job as an EMT. Yeah, I'm all hopped up on diet pills and cold pizza. It's regarding the part where he's like, yeah, the doctor told me. I was like, fuck, no. No, you're missing the part where the nonverbal kid fucking silent bobbed his ass into going back to the doctor. Yeah.

Oh, my God, dude. What an event. Nothing I can say is fucking more amazing than that. I'm sorry. Holy Christ. Yeah, good luck topping that next voicemail. This one is from a dear, dear friend of ours, actually, so let's enjoy. Hey, Mean Boys.

It's Death to Phil from Indiana. I was just calling and looking for a little bit of advice, actually. Who died? So recently, both my spouse and I have had a few realizations about ourselves. First being that I'm non-binary or gender queer or whatever you want to call it. And then my spouse has come out as transgender. So it's been a bit of a big change. Things are kind of going a little crazy. Fortunately, with all of that, you know, I'm bisexual and my spouse is, you know, transferring to being a man doesn't bother me at all.

But I was just wondering a little advice about coming out. Specifically, both sets of parents, my parents and my in-laws, are super conservative and super religious. So we already know from my eldest stepchild coming out as transgender that things are just really bad with the coming out part. They get real mad and stuff. So I didn't know if you guys had any tips, anything that you might think of as far as just how to come out without causing a bigger scene than is necessary. Or you guys can just crack up the books and call us a couple of facts.

Well, believe it or not, I've actually steered my way through this situation dozens of times. This is really common. I've got a protocol in place. What I'm going to do is I'm going to send you a PDF of transgender jokes for kids. And I think that will really ease the – by the way, when you were describing your situation, death to the filth, everybody started doing math in their heads. Yeah, your word literally was Jewish. Yeah, so if your wife becomes a husband and leaves Chicago going 40 miles an hour –

Did anyone else think binary had something to do with computers when he first said it? No, we didn't at all. You're not as woke as the devil, Tom. I was just in such a headspace from the last voicemail where I got almost disappointed. I'm like, it's getting less and less likely a retard's going to go blind by the end of this voicemail. Yeah, well, here's the thing. As long as those kids have a mom and a dad, I don't care what they started off as. Am I right, guys?

I mean, yeah. I do love that he called three straight dudes and the half gay to be like, what is your guys' advice on coming out? I know, yeah. All I had to do was come out as a podcaster, and that was humiliating. I don't know, man. And here's the thing. You're a grown-up dude. You've got kids.

You've got a family. You've got a life. Just be you. Life's too short. If your parents don't like you, her parents don't like you, fuck them. Here's the thing. There's kind of a game of brinksmanship with the parents where it's like, are you really going to die not speaking to one of your only children?

So if they're going to be shitty about it, it's kind of just like, okay, well, I've got my own family now. What are your parents going to say that's that cool? You probably got most of your good parents' memories already, so even if they wipe you out, you're like, yeah, I got a few. I'm good. What I think is really beautiful is that you found each other. And even if they really freak out and really like this or whatever the fuck they do, you still have your wife husband.

And that's like, I didn't mean that. You need to talk to the devil on how to address this. I do. Yeah, it's like you don't pick your family. You picked this person. And I've met you guys. You came to my show more. You guys are great.

You guys have a trans kid, too, so you're like some sort of weird sexual monsters situation. It's really beautiful. In fucking Indiana, they found each other. I know. And the odds have got to be zillions to one. Yeah, just hang out before Mike Pence fucking comes at you with pitchforks. Like, you're fine. Yeah.

And the mean boy's got your back. And this is where Ed's got your back. So if anybody's got shit with you, fuck them. Because you're dope. Not to brag, we've got a few hacktivists that keep tweeting me, asking me for projects. And we have some on the back burner. So if you need our services, you have our sword.

Oh, we do. Yeah, we do. One anonymous guy who always tags me in threads about Bitcoin I know nothing about and fucks up my Twitter mentions for a long time. We've got Hendrick in Germany who's also like, hey, if you guys need a programmer. I can't stress enough how complicit Kyle is in any crimes we may commit going forward. You gave us our audience.

That's been true since the first day. Yeah, I know, but I just want it on record because this has been the most incriminating podcast ever recorded. It's like saying I wasn't in ISIS. I just funded them. Yeah, we opened with cannibalism. We got to dog sex laws. We're ISIS. You're Toyota. You didn't do nothing. Your hands aren't clean.

We're co-signing this lady turning into Megatron or whatever's happening over here. We're doing great. Death of the filth. You're going to be alright. You got a lot of love in your house. Fuck who you fuck, love who you love. You got love from out here in LA too. And finally. Oh no. a lot of love in your house. Yeah, fuck who you fuck, love who you love. Yeah. And you got love from out here in L.A. too. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, and finally. Oh, no. Hello, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-boys. No. I've been a long-time listener ever since the Golden Pony put you fellas on. I just want to know

that the predictive test has that begin, hello, Bob Obama boys. Okay. Accurate. Well, did not show up to play is what I'll say. So basically, I know it's snark week is hopefully going on, or I

sound like a complete fucking fanboy. But here's what I just want to say. Is this the Riddler? Is it Tony? Mean boys, you haven't had Rogan, DS, for Christ's sake. I'm getting buff. I drink protein shakes. Mean boys, you haven't had Rogan, DS, Berk Reicher. I'm getting buff.

I drink protein shakes. I do deadlifts. I have a model. We're fucking. We're married. No prenups. It's real. I believe it.

Okay. Sorry, I'll rewind. I have my Killer Tony impression. But here's what I just want to bring your guys' attention. Okay, Casey. In a post-Weinstein world. No. What?

What movie trailer is this? In a post-Weinstein world. In a world where love is against the law and ficuses are pregnant. Yeah, Poison Ivy is going to be Weinstein's kid in the next movie. Wow, I didn't know special effects, real powers. Would be each of your courses of action if you had to apologize for the horrific sexual acts you've done.

For instance, say Connor made some woman read roast jokes he wrote about himself as he tugged his meat a la Louis C.K. Or Keith, I think just give him a milk bone. Sorry. Or what if good old Keith was hiring migrant women and was using their genitalia as napkins?

Alright, now I'm back on board. Sweet Tom was hiring women just to pet them as they slept to smell their hair and tell them, is that illegal? Anyway, a little improv. Love you all.

Love the show. All hail Saint Chad. All praise Carnock and shout out to the Fudge Lord. Peace. I feel like the Fudge Lord was mildly disrespected. The saint was hailed. Carnock was praised. The Fudge Lord received mildly disrespected. The saint was hailed. Karnak was praised. The Fudge Lord received a shout-out.

One does not shout at the Lord of Fudge. Shout, shout, shout. Shout at the Fudge Lord. I don't know. You truffling bitch. To answer your question, if that happened to me, I'd just sell my movie on my website for $5. I think the only way... Yeah, you just...

You raped the last guy who got popped for rape. Like vampire law. Yeah, exactly. If we take this shit all the way back to fucking the Humphrey Bogart, then I think it all goes away. And Uma Thurman's feet go untouched. All right, guys. What a podcast. What an adventure. God damn it, this was weird.

I love the voicemails. If you want to leave a voicemail, 304-805-6326. They're always weird. I fucking love you guys. Every time I'm like, this is who listens to the show? These terrifying people. I've never heard this and been surprised. If we've learned anything from these voicemails, it's that love wins and cover your boils.

Yeah, I always want to tell myself, like, oh, yeah, we're doing satire. We probably have a bunch of smart, hip people. Hey, what's up, man? Yeah, I farted myself awake and I thought of something. Did you know that you can get pink eye everywhere? Yeah, one time I pooped in a silo. Now that's what counts. Now my grain tastes like shit.

No, we had a fan that didn't come to our live show because the Airbnb had a grain silo to do acid in it. This is not even far off from the truth. I genuinely believe our fans are smart. They're just the kind of smart where they've done too much drugs to fucking calm their brains down. And we can't explain it to the rest of the world. And we're left with the remains. And we've got to interpret it. And I appreciate you fuckers.

Yeah, that's why they let that retard go blind. What a smart guy. Oh, man. Kyle, thank you so much for coming in. Thank you kindly. Where can they help plug your shit? At KyleClarkIsRad is my Twitter, and it is right now the only social media that I'm using, and I'm only using it to interact with people, so you've never had a better chance to get

a response from me, because I'm off everything else except Facebook Messenger if you want to book me for shows. And then the This Is Rad podcast every Wednesday and we've got some real fun ones coming up. We have... I don't think I... No, I'm going to hold it. I should announce that

on my own podcast first. But we are going to Canada in March for the Yukon Comedy Festival. Yeah, for which we were snubbed by Richard Eden. Well, because you guys are doing that weird other gig that he specifically had planned for you that's like a weird burn booth thing. Oh, really?

We talked about this, yeah. Oh, okay, cool. Well, then thanks, Richard. Because you're not. You can still just book me, Richard. This is an off-air. Mean boy! That's your Bubba Booey live show.

Baba Gooey. My album, I'm a Person, is out there on the iTunes and the Spotify and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, we'll put a link to that in the show notes. I'm trying to think of anything else I've got going right now. Any gigs?

What's the big ones? Let's see. Oh, I wrote for a show on Shudder called The Core that's starting to air what the fuck is Shudder Shudder is an all

horror movie version of Netflix nice Tom way to make Kyle feel good what the fuck is that thing you brought up what the fuck is your relevant credit

only person at this table with a career he gave the response literally everyone gives but it's a fun show and I worked with a bunch of real cool people on it nice man

I feel like there's something I'm forgetting but clearly not that important yeah but thank you guys for having me I always love being here and getting to be nine times darker

than I am on my show it's fantastic yeah if you want to I have a twitter which is just as cool as everything Kyle said you can follow me at goss goss 6

and I have a show but I don't have it up so yeah we've been we've been doing shows every day this right they got the way into the show tomorrow hey guys i just booked a new gig on a military base on an island outside of ventura on the 19th so if you're stationed there i'm coming for you i had to give away my social security number so i should be pretty good i guess perhaps last night you enjoyed me and keith in san diego i bet you didn't yeah december 12th

get tickets for the record on the website with promo code mean five bucks uh ventura harbor 22 Mean Keith in San Diego. I bet you didn't. December 12th, the Rec Room. Siobhan might go. Get tickets for the Rec Room on the website with promo code Mean5Bucks. Ventura Harbor, 22, 23, come out. December 28th,

headlining the La Jolla Comedy Store. I'm assuming they're... Blah. That's it, guys. Fuck everything. God is dead. Cover your boil. I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm I'm