Mean Boys - EP 97 - Girthy Battledudes (feat. Jacob Sirof)

Episode Date: December 8, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Whodunnit?", “Thing”, "Elon Musk", and a game of "Which of the Following" with mobster names by some guy named Eric. Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Jacob Sirof on Twitter: twitter.com/jacobsirof Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Keith Conner and Tom from the Mean Boys Podcast. What's up? Hey, hey. Coming at you live from day, dear God, what is it, of Snark Week. Yeah. I think I'm going to have to promise my girlfriend that we're never doing Snark Week ever again. We're absolutely doing it again next year. I'm dying.

You pansy. I know. I was all, I was like, I can handle it. Conner, you haven't had to move to do Snark Week. I think you can handle it. You haven't had to move to do Snark Week. I think you can handle it. You haven't had to edit Snark Week. Oh, that's fair. And Connor is also getting very, very sick, which it would appear.

Yeah. Yeah. Or just his standard gaunt self. But at any rate, we are coming at you. Nothing worse than being white in the winter. We got another great show. Jacob Seroff joined us in the studio. Where can they find him online?

At Jacob Seroff. Okay, cool. You look so annoyed that I asked you for the plug. At Jacob Seroff joined us in the studio. Where can they find him online? At Jacob Seroff. Okay, cool. You look so annoyed that I asked you for the plug. At Jacob Seroff. Very funny dude. He popped in. This is a Tomless episode. Oh, this is a show I wasn't on. Yeah, that's why we need you to juice it up and bring us in.

Bring the hot thunder. Please leave us an iTunes review if you haven't already. That helps us out quite a bit. It's going to help us get into the new and noteworthy section We're never going to be in the new and noteworthy We can dream I think it's our artwork, that's my excuse I think our artwork doesn't have the text big enough

Yeah, that's probably not it I think the No More Infidel podcast Will get on news and whatever it's called I fucked it up What's the No More Infidels? Like if ISIS had their own network, I would listen to the ISIS podcast. Chris Hardwick would somehow host that.

Hey, it's Chris Hardwick for the ISIS podcast. Hi, I'm the Ryan Seacrest of audio. And the, uh, jihadist network. From fucking gay guy melt studios.

Thanks to remember talking ISIS. Uh, during the Seinfeld at a certain point, I was trying to do a nerd melt thing. I don't's the Grubber Talking Isis. You're turning to Seinfeld at a certain point. I was trying to do a nerd melt thing. I don't think I came across. James Dillenbeck writes, good stuff.

Creative dudes who come ready to rebuttal each other's roasts while all true to their name while still sweet and endearing. Sort of punk rock, sort of D&D. Listen up.

Thanks, James. Yeah, James Dillenbeck, cool dude. James Dillenbeck also drew the insanely cool piece of fan art for the Omega Tom that we tweeted out. Check out his art. He's a fucking, he's great.

Yeah, he also did Karnak and Tyler, which is really cool. Yeah, he draws all these just like girthy battle dudes, and they're fucking like super rad and a little sexy for some reason. Yeah, because I don't think we said anything good episode title-wise for this episode. It's now called Girthy Battle Dudes. And that's a little insight into my process as the producer of the show man it has been a while since we did an episode title in the intro that's uh we did that once for an australian guy who like shit his pants yeah oh there you have it girthy battle dudes if you're looking for a big gem of a conversational uh line you're not gonna find it in this episode i think i think james is the only person who's drawn me fatter and still make me look better yeah oh you look you look fucking brutal magoodle in that picture dude you look great great drawing you're ready

to straight up fucking choke a straggler like you look gnarly speaking of australia that we're going strong on patreon uh with 93 of our next goal uh Once we hit that bad boy, two extra podcasts a month, even in non-snark week, brain destroying months. Yeah, please get at it. We really just want to beat Richard Spencer on the Patreon. That's our new big thing, and we are shockingly close.

Yeah, fuck that. We're getting there, yeah. My favorite thing is that we said that to Tom, and Tom was like, I don't know who that is, and then I saw him tweet like, oh yeah, we gotta beat Richard Spencer. I just looked at to Tom, and Tom was like, I don't know who that is. And then I saw him tweet like, oh, yeah, we got to beat Richard Spencer. I just looked at his Wikipedia, and he's a bad dude. Tom gets more news about the all right from my text chain. Yeah, a man who has been like a fixture of the headlines for the past year and a half. I had to Wikipedia him.

You had to scroll past 12 news articles about Richard Spencer to get to his Wikipedia. That's what's so funny about it. But yeah, please go to the Patreon his Wikipedia. That's what's so funny about it. But yeah, please go to the Patreon, patreon.com slash meanboys. The honest content every single day of Snark Week. Beer QZ's going out this month. We're all just carbon and bullshit on the one side. The Mean Boys logo on the back side.

Amen. Yeah. Those are going to be pretty cool. And also, we are going on tour. Please click the link in the Twitter and the show notes and let us know what major city is close to you that you would come see us at so we can put this fucking tour together. Yeah, the more people that submit to the email list in your area, the more likely we are to come to a show. And we're going all over the place, and we're going to be seeing a lot of you guys.

So please help us just figure out where we're at numbers-wise so we can do that. We're all very, very excited. And lastly, and definitely leastly, we're playing the Doug Stanhope Celebrity Death Pool. We're going to email you to get on that. Email TomGossComedy at gmail.com. All the rules are on the Doug Stanhope Celebrity Death Pool website. And I think we're around 12 people right now. So the winner gets a $10 buy-in, and the winner gets the pool of money.

Yeah, that's going to go. It starts January 15th. You pick 20 dead celebrities, or 20 live celebrities to see who's going to die. We celebrate the potential death of celebrity culture one fucking corpse at a time. Yeah, rub elbows with your favorite guests and hosts of the podcast. All betting together is one. We're all equals in the death pool. There will be plenty of interleague trash talk.

We'll do updates on the show. So that's going to be a fun thing to do next year. We're all playing. Olivia Grace is one. We're all equals in the death pool. There will be plenty of interleague trash talk. We'll do updates on the show. So that's going to be a fun thing to do next year. We're all playing. Olivia Grace is playing. Kyle Clark is playing. We've got a lot of guests on there. My dad might play. Here's a thought.

Pick Kyle Clark, then kill Kyle Clark. Tim G is playing. How do we get him? That's crazy. I'm aware it's against the rules. Yeah, that's my only obligation. Never mind. You couldn't think of the right word.

I couldn't. Stipulation. That's the one oblidobligo. Yeah, that's the one orio-rio. Gobladurtion. All right. All these Winnie the Pooh lyrics are driving me crazy. Well, enough of this gobladurtion.

Please enjoy today's episode with Jacob Searow. A gibbity-globby-gloo. Hey, everybody. Your life is nothing more than the repetition of pleasure and the avoidance of pain. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm store brand Moshe Kasher. Oh, Kroger Kasher.

Moshe Kroger. Moshe Kroger is exactly what I was thinking. Jacob Seroff joins us in the studio. Thanks for coming. Yeah, that's my real name. I don't use it very often. It's funny because I've never met you and I've heard you on other podcasts and I always just kind of based on your voice pictured you as just like, sort of this small, feeble Jewish child.

Oh yeah? Yeah, just sort of like a nerd. And you meet him and you're like, okay, so this guy scanned his face to make a Tony Hawk create a skater of himself. A 40-year-old man. I thought you said you wrote Run Joke. You wrote one joke. Yeah, you look like the youth pastor at a cool motorcycle church. Youth pastor and motorcycles.

Two things Jews don't associate with very often. It's weird that you're Jewish because you look like you found God in Orange County. It's basically your whole vibe. God, you definitely look like a roadie for the vandals. I'll take that. I was trying to think of people to get for Snark Week, and I'm not a big fan of Jacob because he is a woke racist Jew.

And I can think of no more fitting guests for the Mean Boys podcast. A woke racist Jew. That's funny. That's on your business cards, actually. I think I am woke, but not comedically. I'm too old to be woke comedically. But I feel like in my heart I'm woke. Yeah, I think that's how we kind of

operate as well. It's not fun to be woke in a serious way. Yeah, no. That's kind of the mission statement of this show. It's just like, well, bad people shouldn't get the monopoly on the funnest kind of humor, you know, and us who actually have Christmas and in your case,

Hanukkah in our hearts, we should be able to make these terrible jokes. Eight hearts. She's of eight hearts. Really? One for each Santa Hanukkah. It's so hard to kill him. It's fun.

So all those, the infographics I saw in 4chan are true. I say that all the time though, that nobody's suffered more from this administration than, you know, I don't, I hate to say edgy cause that's so fucking stupid, but you know, then non-politically correct comedy or comedians.

Yeah. Well, Jacob, you have Phantom Menace tattoos. You're edgy. You can accept it. OK? It's time. Tattoos. Plural.

That's true. Yeah. But yeah, I know plenty of Mexican dudes. None of them have been deported or – but my act is suffering from this administration. I'm feeling the real everyday practical effects of this guy. I think we all will soon because of the tax thing. Yeah, we've turned this into Edgelord Fresh Air right now with Terry gross pussy jokes. All right, guys. There are no gross pussy jokes.

Only gross pussies. That's right. All right, everybody. We're all fired up. I think it's time to get into the Mexican joke off. And I'll take us away this week with my only good joke for the week. Time magazine has named the silence breakers as their person of the year, proving once and for all that they were just doing it for attention. Oh, shit.

I think it's thematically fitting with the discussion we just had. Oh, my God. I saw that and I was just like, oh, I am just waiting for this take from the Bernie bro community. I saw like five tweets like, oh, the silence breaker is the person of the year. And I genuinely was like, is that a fart joke I don't get? Like I thought a silence breaker was some sort of – Yeah, the silence breaker sounds like somebody link fights in the Zelda games. I thought it was a gum for deaf people.

I'm really – I don't like it for just – I don't like when they name a group person of the year. That bothers me. It's like it's just on a grammatical level. It's just like it's not –'t like when they name a group Person of the Year That bothers me It's like cheating On a grammatical level It's just like It's not Doesn't make sense Language wise

At least call them People of the Year Yeah right Person of the Year These chicks Yeah and also You're just implying That those eight women

Add up to one person You guys are One eighth a hero I just look at it Time Person of the Year I don't know The black ones I guess It would have been cooler

Yeah right If it was just like The Roy Moore accusers Instead of like You know Ashley Judd And all those people They put on

Yeah People that really Oh dude This is the reality show I want to see It's like Survivor teams You got the Cosby gals And then the Roy Moore

Roy Moore girls Oh my god You get voted out Of the shelter All the Weinstein kids Oh yeah Survivor They keep doing stuff like that. So you can have like Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, all these guys on one team, and then there are accusers on the other team.

Predator versus prey. That is Survivor. That is honestly Predator versus prey. The most American way to settle this shit is via Mark Burnett original series. Oh, somebody is fucking stealing that idea as we speak. All right. A special ed teacher was fired for having a sexual relationship with a mentally disabled student. When asked why she did it, the teacher said, when it comes to sex, she just likes to take it slow.

That is the second joke this week about having sex with a mentally handicapped child. And for sure not the last one. That was some real subtle wordplay in there. There was a couple layers that sunk in after you. Yeah, I promise they're going to get way stupider. No, that kept trying. And for sure, not the last one. That was actually, that was some real subtle word plan there. There was a couple layers that sunk in after you. Yeah, I promise, they're going to get way stupider. No, that was good.

That was good. All right, I'm going to fuck up the wording. Jacob really complimenting us because he wrote his jokes 15 minutes before we started recording. Well, dude, I have children.

At least I wrote the jokes, right? You did, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, the other guy that was supposed to be here didn't show up. Then another guy, you told me, is coming later this week,

refutes, just says, I'm not writing the jokes. We have a very big podcast. It's a very successful show. Everyone wants to do it. We got emails out the ass. I don't listen to any podcasts, so I've never heard this one.

But my podcast frame of reference is always just like how successful are these guys presenting themselves to me on Instagram? And you guys are doing a really good job of that. So I'm just like, oh, these guys have a podcast. And then there's live shows happening. And there's pictures with these guys. So, yeah, I should probably try to get involved with that. We're cultiv just like, oh, these guys have a podcast and then there's live shows happening and there's pictures with these guys. So yeah, I should probably try to get involved with that. We're cultivating

the illusion of success. The Twitter looks a little better than the Instagram, but yeah, Instagram is good enough for you. I was shocked. You guys, not a ton of followers

on Twitter, but the tweet you did, it was just like, it gave me false hope for like two days. Yeah. All those notifications of like,

oh, people like my, no, it's just another like on the boys tweet. We have a good like 50 people who have nothing in their lives but this show. That's great. Yeah, if we stopped doing this,

there would be like a lot of suicides for people that work at Amazon factories. Well, you have 51 now. Okay. Let's see. The GOP continues

to endorse Roy Moore for Senator of Alabama despite the many allegations he did at underage girls while he was a judge. Vice President Mike Pence released this statement. There's no way he touched those girls. Anyone who's that into the Bible is clearly gay.

Just trust me on this one. All right. All right. I like it. A little too much set up. Yeah, a little wordy, but it was okay. By the time you finished that joke, the girl turned 18. Speaking of a little wordy, Vladimir Putin announced he's running for re-election as president of Russia. Candidates for Russia's other three major political parties say they will still plan to run for president of being black-bagged and murdered in a scary warehouse.

It's a stiff race. Three-way tie for dead. All right. This week marks the 25th anniversary of the world's first text message. That text read, quote, new Frontier in Telecommunications. Who dis? That's good. I like it.

Idris Derby, the president of Chad this morning, has given the Libyan government 24 hours to release every African slave held there. Libby replied, You're not the boss of me, Chad. That was a fun one. President of Chad just sounds like what's on the nameplate for the boss of me Chad That was a fun one President of Chad Just sounds like What's on the name plate For the CEO of Monster Energy Drink Ooh yes it does

By the way I know the first text message Actually said Merry Christmas Which feels Feels anti-Semitic You have a more inclusive text You have 140 characters

Happy holidays You know Sonic is only what 19 letters Yeah exactly Oh Chad though The other day I was at a farmer's market With a friend And she was doing some shopping And I think like The fish guy The colonic is only what, 19 letters? Yeah, exactly. Oh, Chad, though. The other day I was at a farmer's market with a friend, and she was doing some shopping, and I think the fish guy was maybe jealous that she was with a boy or something.

And I had a jacket on, like a secondhand jacket that said Matt on it. And he goes, what's up, Matt? And he kept bugging me. He said, what are you doing today, Matt? How's your day going? I was like, dude, my name's not Matt, but I bet yours is Chad. And he was like, no, it's Bryce. Yeah, I win.

I still win. You ever guess a guy's name on stage? That shit is the best. It's becoming a wizard for three seconds. All right. President Trump has declared Jerusalem to be the capital of Israel. In a related story, Jacob is moving into Ramsey's room. We have a Palestinian roommate, so that's an inside joke. I'm going to colonize his room. Okay have a Palestinian roommate. That's an inside joke.

I'm going to colonize his room. You're going to build some track houses in there. I've never felt dumber because I read that headline and I'm like, okay, I don't really know what this means, but I'm sure it's bad. Like the whole Jerusalem situation. Yeah, neither do I really. I just was like, okay, Ramsey joke. There's one less I have to write. I think I speak for Jews everywhere when I say,

President Trump, don't help. A few thousand years, nobody's really pulled off helping the Jews. This is not going to be the guy. Also, it's just going to make everybody hate us more. I mean, Americans and Jews specifically. And I'm both. Yeah, there's no help in these people. They just want money.

They want power. And apparently children, as we're learning more and more every day. At least we help ourselves, unlike the Puerto Ricans. We just want to sit there waiting for a handout. Say what you will about Jews. At least we can float. Yeah, we don't need Iron Man to build a super battery, sir. I just keep the lights on.

We kept that shit going for eight days, as you recall, back in the Stone Times. I don't know anything about Hanukkah, Jacob. It's the Stone Times. Okay, yeah, the Stone Times. It happened in the Stone Times. I don't know anything about Hanukkah, Jacob. It's the Stone Times. Okay, yeah, Stone Times. It happened in the Stone Times. That's Hanukkah 101. It goes, wig presidents, Bible shit, Stone Times. That's how I break it down.

Jesus Christ. An Indiana baker is set to go before the Supreme Court to defend his right to refuse service to a gay couple looking for a wedding cake. The court is expected to rule 7-2 in favor of just making the cake and not being a faggot about it. There is nothing gayer than just being like, I don't want to make a cake for them.

I don't like their way. I didn't know anybody said faggot except for me while driving. I thought that just the word had been abolished from – No, Keith's bi. And boy, does he really – Diplomatic immunity. If Keith had a bi card, that shit would be all holes. Yeah.

Are you really? And that's your real card? That's a hell of a card, man. I was literally – I told my kids on the way over here and this is not i'm not i was just driving along and i was looking at my daughter going how come she's you know she's an age where she hasn't really talked about boys or girls yet but she's right you know she's in the throes of puberty yeah i was like what if she was gay and i just thought it's like this is a good time for a joke so i turn off the radio and i was like i just want you guys to know if you're

gay i won't love you anymore because jesus you know something and then they laugh i'm just kidding you know i i hope you're both gay I won't love you anymore because Jesus. And then they laugh. I'm just kidding. I hope you're both gay. And it really occurred to me like that would be so awesome. What a fucking great woke card to put. Nobody could tell me shit ever. My kids are gay. I got gay kids.

I am thinking about adopting a black kid just so I can say the N-word. Use my own flesh and blood. N-word, Clean your room Let that one settle Oh yeah My turn right Yeah yeah Okay well as of 3.30pm eastern time today

29 senate democrats Including 13 women Have called for Al Franken to resign He says he'll do it On one condition Selfies with all the Chick senators on his way out

Very good He's a picture groper. He's just tweeting at Norm MacDonald, you up? There's never been a worse photo to be able to run on those stories than the one of him just grabbing that girl's boobs. This is going to bite me in the butt. Even he looks like, ah, what am I doing?

Again, in the infuriating tweet, my most popular tweet was my Tom from MySpace Al Franken joke. Not any of the podcasts. I've spent hours writing and editing or anything else like that. I'll have to look it up. It was just that picture. It said, you want to feel old?

This is what Tom from MySpace looks like. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, yeah. Because he was like doing the, ooh. And it's just like, okay. Yeah, nothing I ever really try. I made an Obama meme years ago. And it was on George Takei's Facebook, Worldstar.

It was a Biden thing, right? No, it was waiting for the bartender to notice me like with the two pictures of him in the first inaugural, the first State of the Union, second State of the Union. I was like, literally Obama himself is probably seeing this at this point, and I can't get anybody to listen to this show. We have the same 2,500 people we had last month. All right, moving on. Residents of County Cork, Ireland are claiming that fumes from a Viagra factory are making residents horny. Pfizer is claiming that their emissions aren't tainted with the drug, and it's probably just the new sheep farm in the neighborhood. Mexican joke off showdown, because I have the same thing.

Nice. Residents of a small Irish village are attempting to close a Viagra factory after the fumes have given locals unwanted erections. However, some are counter-protesting to keep the factory, with one local man shouting, They're after me, fucky Charles. What kind of erection is unwanted? Even if I don't have a place for it at the time, I'm always just like, okay, cool, ready to go. Yeah, it's like a Kramer where it's just like whenever he shows up, I'm never unhappy that he's there. For something that makes me hunch over, it does put a spring in your step whenever you do have a boner.

You kind of just feel a little bit, okay. I take the bus everywhere, though, and there's no worse feeling than being hard on a bus. It's like, oh, man, if I uncross my legs, I'm committing a crime. Like, it's just bad. Yeah, and then you're like that guy. Yeah. I was wearing my Insane Clown Posse t-shirt for the live show, and I had it on for like two days afterwards because I was just around the house in the neighborhood, and I kept going to the store and being like,

oh, fuck, I'm that guy. I'm the ICP at CVS guy. Too many initials here. This is not good. But it's ironic or you're a fan? It's ironic, but I do support their cause. Yeah, a little bit of both. We're trying to get into the gathering of the juggalos.

Like to get booked. Yeah, we really could do that. We genuinely want it. We have to restart the campaign. Well, they would love me is the thing. I would be great as a conquering hero. They would like you. They would love Tom. Tom would be their god. conquering hero they would like you they would love tom tom would be their god yeah no definitely that's the other guy that's the concussion guy yeah i think they're good dudes those juggalos yeah i think

they're like their heart like it's it's easy to make fun of them you know when you said doc it's like their hearts in the right there's lame or shit to be in if my daughter told me she was dating a banker i'd be like if she said juggalo i'd be like good dude all right i'll babysit the kids i lost my virginity with juggalo, so I have respect for that. Is that true? That's 100% true. A female or male? Female.

A female Juggalo? Yeah. And that's how the curse began. How old were you? 19. How old was she? Don't worry about it. So she was either 50 or 14.

She was 18. Oh, okay. Yeah, right. Why are you turning so red? With an asterisk. Yeah, she was 18. Oh, okay. Yeah, right. Why are you turning so red? With an asterisk. Yeah, she was 18 in Alabama years. Okay, where was I? Okay.

Robert Murray, founder and CEO of one of America's largest coal producers, said today that he's shocked to find the tax bill hurts the coal industry. The bill will also reportedly hit milkmen and payphone repair technicians pretty hard. It's a dead industry. Yeah. There's nothing to save. Yeah, there is milkman and payphone repair technicians pretty hard. It's a dead industry. There's nothing to save. There is a still operational payphone 100 yards from here, which tells you what kind of awesome neighborhood this is. Wait, shut the fuck up. Really? Yeah, by the Mexican bodega, not the Indian bodega.

I think it's just there for independent film crews to come shoot. It is. Vintage or period piece stuff. Yeah, there's a guy who took a picture for a Christmas tour flyer right next to that pay phone. That bodega on the corner is not a real store. That is clearly some sort of mafia.

That is a money laundering. Well, they're selling like, this is whatever we stole this week. We have three different bags of Fritos that don't match. One Gatorade and a bunch of porn.

No, that one is just... You have to be able to say a secret code and you get drugs. I walked in there one time thinking maybe they'd have cigarettes and I go in and I swear to God it's just like five Mexican heroin dealers

and the lady at the store and I walk in and they all just turn and stare at me. I was like, do you guys have cigarettes? And one of them just goes... Takes his head silently. I just backed out and I'm like,

all right, well, fuck whatever this is. Yeah, I went in there once and it was just never again. That's what she said. Fuck whatever this is. Fuck whatever this is. Yeah, I went in there once and it was just never again. That's what she said. Fuck whatever this is. Fuck whatever this is. Yeah, that's what she said before I pounded the jungle. Pounded.

Gross. All right. Oh, wait. Whose turn is it? Is it your turn, Jacob? Oh, no. It's back to me. It's back to you.

Okay. This is five, right? This is five, yeah. And finally, this is... Oh, no. Sir Patrick Stewart says he's hesitant about returning to Star Trek. The 77-year-old actor says he's worried about spending long shoot days in his Starfleet uniform, saying he always has to go number one.

Fuck you. I know. Fuck you. It was that or a thing about the screwball fire, and I figured that would have been covered. You looked at that joke and you were like, make it so-so. That's funny. Yeah, I'm also officially out of Star Trek references.

I don't know shit about that. Yeah. Those are the ones to know. Yeah, you got them. I mean, especially the next generation. Apparently, Quentin Tarantino is going to write

the next Star Trek movie. Is that true? That's a real thing. I guess he pitched it to Abrams and then J.J. Abrams is setting up a writer's room and they're maybe going to let him make the movie

and I can't wait. Why are they still letting men make movies? Let women make movies now. We had our shot. Keith to me in the car just like, alright,

everyone be cool about this Tarantino shit. He's got two more movies and he's done. Alright, let's just enjoy the work. He probably did something really bad.

Come on, let's get him out of here. Yeah, I saw an infographic that pretty much convinced me that he was a pedophile. I'm very easily swayed.

I believe it. Yeah, it's like this thing where they did some math ruler and they're like, oh yeah, he has an eight-year-old's foot in his mouth in this photo. There's no way that it. Yeah, it's like this thing where they did some math ruler, and they're like, oh, yeah, he has an eight-year-old's foot in his mouth in this photo. There's no way that's true. Because it's a gnarly-ass eight-year-old's foot,

but that is probably how you'd look if you lived in a shipping container at Jeffrey Epstein's Island. So, I mean, we don't truly know whether or not, as opposed to a sexy eight-year-old's foot. Yeah, I just don't think child sex slaves get a lot of pedicures. I feel like you're busy. Look, we'll tweet it out. We'll leave it up to the fans to decide if Quentin Tarantino really is a pedophile. We've got Tarantino coming in on Saturday. We'll discuss it with him.

Yeah. All right, last one I got here. A new survey shows that alt-right women are unhappy with their treatment from alt-right men in relationships. They've taken to the streets chanting blood and soil and maybe a date night once in a while. I'm not just a piece of meat. What is an alt-right date? Nothing good. Do you fuck by cross light?

Yeah, I think you just hold hands, you walk down the street, and then you light a cross in Jacob's front yard. This is real. I'm going to wing this last one, guys. It's real inside baseball, and it's more inside softball. But it's personal to me. So the new season of – the most recent season of Twin Peaks was released on DVD and Blu-ray today. It comes with a lot of special features including behind-the-scenes documentaries and a gun to kill yourself after you watch the finale.

Oh. Was it that bad? Was it bad? No, it's just – I mean that's – I guess in the joke it was. For the purposes of that joke. But it was really confusing And controversial It wasn't satisfying

Yeah I do remember Because I was in A Twin Peaks I remember everybody I know who watched it Just posting Just being like Fucking okay

Because it really I'm a big Lynch fan I'm a huge Twin Peaks nerd From the original And I just And big Fire Walk With Me fan And the movie And I was so invested

In that I mean it really took over My life while it was airing Which is why I love that it wasn't On Netflix and just dropped all at once. So I would have done it in a weekend. You had to wait for it. They had to wait like over this course of 15 weeks or whatever it was.

Sorry. But I had really fooled myself into thinking we're going to get some fucking answers here. It all kind of seemed like it was gearing up. Oh, like the same shit happened with Lost where everyone was like, oh, it's going to be – we're going to get it. It might not be like every loose end tied up but we're going to get some – there's certain questions, some solid closure. Yeah, yeah. It not only didn't do that. It went out of its way to just open up like, no, we're just going to step over here into a parallel universe, ignore everything, and open up 3,000 new questions.

And then end of season or series in theory. Isn't Twin Peaks also like a Colorado Hooters? Kind of. Yeah, yeah. I've been been the one in san antonio okay edwin san juan took me there when we were working in vegas like that guy no yeah yeah he's a good guy and uh we get in there and i'm just like oh god edwin this is a titty bar i'm very uncomfortable you know it's a hooters but like it's yeah it's like an american scottish

hooters they're like kilts and stuff no i think it's country westerners or no it's supposed to be like well i guess it's twin i don't know what the fuck your theme is, dude. Like tilted kilt, I get it. It's like fucking, you know, white trash, Irish-y, you know, pretend we have culture hooters. But what is twin peaks, right? Yeah, I was there on Memorial Day, and so everybody had, you know, Star Spangled Banner themed. Yeah, celebrate America by drinking with the worst of it. Yeah.

All right, well, Jacob bringing us home by thumbing it in and coming on his own face with his Twin Peaks joke. The Mean Boys will be right back right after this. Hi, I'm some asshole. This is a paid advertisement. Your conscious mind acknowledges this, yet still you absorb your instruction like the passive sponge you are. Did you know that 100% of people use products? All of the people who have the sex you'd like to have, the jobs you wish you worked, and the bodies you yearn to inhabit, they all use products.

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Time is fleeting. Life is pain. Pain is whole. Thing is salvation. All right, the Mean Boys podcast returns with another round of one of our favorite games. This is Whodunit. I'm going to read a crime story, and you guys are going to try to figure out who the perpetrator was. We'll start with this one.

A 43-year-old Wisconsin haunted house employee was arrested for groping women at his work, saying, quote... He did it. Yeah, yeah. It was him. It was him. He was a groper. And he said, quote, do you want me to Donald Trump? Now, was it A, a spooky ghost, B, oh, no, A, a spooky clown, B, a scary ghost, C, a creepy

zombie, or D, a rapey werewolf? Oh, man. Oh, God, he gave her two in the jinkies, one in the stinkies. I'm too worried about actually winning the game. Wait. Those options represent the choices. Was it a clown, a ghost, a zombie, or a werewolf?

Oh, okay. I thought it was like that he molested one of those things. So if it was a real scary clown and this guy molested him, that's a zero-sum game. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think it's okay to sexually assault a monster.

We've got to fight their creepy with our creepy. Can you remind me of the options one more time? All right. So is that a clown, a ghost, a zombie,

or a werewolf? Ah, what's the word? What was the rapist dressed as? Like, you want to say clown immediately because at some point culturally we all just decided

clowns were rape. Like I don't know when that happened. Keith says this shortly after revealing his juggalo virginity story. Really trying to retcon the whole public image of clowns in America. I'm the only consensual clown. Consensual clown. I'm going to say zombie. All right.

Zombies don't talk. Hang on. I'm going to say ghost. Ghost. Okay. I like how you're like, a haunted house employee would rape, but they would never break character. I've known a lot of haunted house employees. They for sure would.

Yeah. Keith's a big haunted house guy. Yeah. And he fingered her, right? He grabbed her tits. Okay. Okay. Like, werewolves don't have fingers.

Yeah, right. Well, I was thinking it was a ghost. He could have gone through the clothes. Yeah, a werewolf would only sexually assault you if you put peanut butter on it. Yeah, you're getting the gray makeup all over the bra. It's leaving a fucking paper trail of goo. Oh, God. Well, werewolves don't talk.

Yeah. Yeah, they can't. So they wouldn't have the Trump quip, I don't think. I'm going to go. I think it's clown also. The answer. Spooky clown. Yeah.

Jacob Seariff jumping into an early lead. I tried to believe in the clown race. What, you bailed on clown? Yeah, I bailed on clown. I went to ghost. You know, he wanted to think better of the clown community, and I respect him for that. I went to Not Scary Farm as a child. I was dressed in brightly colored punk rock clothes.

I was harassed by homophobic clowns for about 45 minutes. Really? Because they followed me around the park calling me a raver faggot. So what a wonderful time to be 14 I had. Man, I've seen some clowns, some scary clown stuff. See, I don't believe in the rest of the stuff, but clowns are real, obviously. I don't think anybody believes in werewolves, but a lot of I would say 99% Of at least women believe in ghosts And probably

Somewhere in the 70% range for men Like I'm ostracized for not believing in ghosts And I'm a hard no on anything Yeah same I believed in ghosts until I worked at a haunted Like a haunted ship And I realized we're all liars And we made it all up

And that's why Jacob's home Is only haunted by divorce Where his children Will grow up In a secular house That's cute You think I have a house I thought I heard A voice in the night

But there's definitely No one here Yeah no it's Thursday He doesn't get it Until Friday A Florida person Was sleeping on Someone's property

And when cops Tried to rouse them They swung a gigantic Dildo at them And was that A. A 19 year old Trans woman trans woman, B, a 71-year-old homeless man, C, a 25-year-old newspaper delivery man high on painkillers, or D, an 11-year-old that ran away from home.

I've got to go with, or any of them from Florida. This is, yeah, they're all from Florida. This happened in Florida. This took place in Florida. Did you set that to start? Yeah. Oh, okay. I didn't even hear you say that

Jacob has successfully Sussed out the given information In the prompt So there was a dildo Was there a dildo involved? Alright Distance velocity problem I've discovered the answer

It was a train Okay yes But when is it getting to Houston? It's like a CSI episode Where you're just crouching By the body for like 20 minutes And you're like You guys I got it

I think somebody was murdered But I didn't hear you say Florida, but it was the minute the story started, I thought. Yeah. Well, the minute I tuned into the story.

Yeah. I think I'm too, you know, I get very competitive about winning when it's really, this is not, that's not,

obviously not the point. Oh, we're in no way keeping score. Yeah, but I, well, I am, but I think, I think it's, I'm winning.

I think it's a kid. I think it's a kid. You think it's a kid? All right. Keith Carey. I like the word gigantic to describe the dildo. Yeah, that was specifically specified on the unofficial sponsor of Whodunit, thesmokinggun.com. Yeah, because if it's the kid, it's like maybe the dildo wasn't gigantic.

The kid's just little. And it's just like a forced perspective on how they made Gandalf look bigger than Elijah Wood. Yeah. I mean, dude, that's my whole sex life is employing that technique. Talking about dating small girls. What do you think, Jacob? Jacob is shaving off his hands so he can have very skeletal fingers.

Like, oh my God, the girth. I think it's the, how old was the trans lady? 19. I'm going to say it's the newspaper delivery boy on painkillers. Correct answer.

A 71-year-old homeless man. Son of a bitch. Where do you get a dildo? I don't know. Especially a gigantic one. boy on painkillers. Correct answer. A 71-year-old homeless man. Son of a bitch. Where do you get a dildo? I don't know. Especially a gigantic one. Those are pretty pricey. They are expensive. Barter system.

Or you ever pull up to the guys at the red light, and you're stuck first in line, and you're like, you want a cigarette? I don't know. If you don't have money to give them, you're just like, leave me alone here or something. Maybe someone just had a dildo sitting in the- In the cup holder? Yeah, the cup holder. Just threw it at them. Or just in a car seat in the cup holder. Yeah, the cup holder.

Or just like in a car seat in the passenger seat. Strapped in. Yeah. A picture of a face tape to it so it's like a carpool situation. I remember doing that. I think the first ever book show I ever did at Spanky's in Santa Ana. I was on that show. Yeah, Keith was on that show. There's a dildo there called The Great American Challenge that was just so thick, the size of a drum throne. Like, just as thick.

And it was just like, this is just as a coffee table conversation. Nobody can get this inside of them. I don't think. Sasha Gray could. I bet she could fit most of Connor in her body. I saw a dick about Connor's size in her recently.

Guys, it's dark. It's dark and I'm scared. A 37-year-old man was arrested for violently resisting a police officer saying, I will beat every cop's ass. Now, what's his alias? A, Dickface Johnson, B, the Ballsack Bandit, C, Shitty McPants, or D, Professor 5150? Holy shit. Was there a cop in this story?

Yes Okay He was arrested by a werewolf On painkillers in Florida Which is my favorite Warren Zevon song Professor 5150 It just sounds like a knockoff for Loco It definitely is a rapper That would do one guest verse on an ICP album.

Yeah. Then get kicked out of Public Enemy. That's a really old reference to another guy that had a professor name. Professor Griff. Never mind. Yeah. I like doing jokes in Need About. I like doing that.

That's an explanation. That aren't that funny. Big Professor, was he the one that produced that? Large Professor. Large Professor. Ain't hard to tell. Okay. But his name was Large Professor? Large Professor. He was a hip-hop pioneer. That's so much worse than Big Professor, was he the one that produced it? Large Professor. Large Professor. Ain't hard to tell. But his name was Large Professor?

Large Professor. He was hip-hop pioneer. That's so much worse than Big Professor. Large Professor. He was from the group Main Source, you might have heard of. Nope. One rapper with two DJs.

Keith's not cool like us, Jacob. Not as cool white hip-hop guys. I'll write Connor and Connor in 20 years. Everybody calm down. I wear protection. You need to act like you know Keith. I'm sure that's a reference to something. It was a 90s hip-hop. Don't worry. I wear protection. Okay. You need to act like you know, Keith. I'm sure that's a reference to something. It was a 90s hip-hop.

Don't worry. Hold your head. All right. All right, Yeasty Boys. What do you think? Dickface Johnson, Ballsack Bandics, Shitty McPants, or Professor 5150? Shitty McPants is the most fun to say. I'm going Professor 5150.

Fake answer. No, the real answer. I'm really tired. Dickface Johnson was the one. I'm pretty proud of Shitty McPants. Shitty McPants. Shitty McPants. Gotta do something with that. Maybe he'll be a character when I run out of sketch ideas.

He's gonna be a character three months ago? Good point. Penultimate question. A 23-year-old Florida man, again, stabbed his ex-girlfriend's pet snake, saying, I stabbed the shit out of the snake. I fucking hate snakes. Now, was his facial hair, A, a handlebar mustache. B, a half beard. C, a soul patch.

Or D, blonde mustache. Soul patch. What? No, it's so confident. We can get into being funny about it, but I just want to put that out there. We can riff, but I do know for a fact it is a soul patch. Yeah, first of all, probably. Second of all, what is a half beard?

Half beard is like when it's like a full beard, but it's like very thin and doesn't grow in all the way. Like the kind of beard I can grow. Okay, I thought it was like he just shaved half of it. It was like a two-faced situation. Did the juggalo that took your virginity have that situation? No, she had a full beard. But like half green, half red.

It was all bad. Ironically, she was your beard. So the whole situation worked out for everybody. Ah, shit. Blonde mustache I think might be it. That's a good one for Florida. Yeah, that seems like... I'm just picturing blonde mustache, like, drove over there in a Camaro and just came

out and was like, I'm fucking up this snake now. All right, the answer. Blonde mustache. Oh, shit. On the board. It's a tie game. I think that is the most animal-harming mustache. Yeah.

I feel like if you hurt animals, that there is a... The ghost percentage, 70% chance you have a blonde mustache. If you work for PETA and you see a guy, just follow that guy. He's up to something mean. I would love to track blonde mustache crime rates. I feel like there's way more rapists and murderers and even embezzlers and people doing Nigerian Prince email fraud. I feel like it all comes back. I feel like if we could just profile these people and say, hey, take one for the team.

The Arabs got it at the airport. You guys got to take it with your emails. That's like in Harry Potter, how the bad guys all have the dark mark or whatever. You just have the blonde mustache. Yeah, the dark mark. All right, and finally, the final round. Why done it? You're going to have to tell me why they did this.

Two gunmen pulled handguns and threatened McDonald's employees in Ohio. Now, was it because, A, the ice cream machine was broken? B, they were no longer serving McMuffins? C, they were high and thought it was a wendy's or d there was no toy in their happy meal so that was the wendy's they planned to rob oh we really dropped the ball on this yeah i bet it's that fucking ice cream machine for some reason the ice cream machine is always broken at mcdonald's and that sucks because it's one of my favorite treats once a month i get myself a soft serve ice cream dipped at mcdonald's and i love

it and there's nowhere else to get good ice cream I feel like it is too but I feel like I might have seen the story but I don't like but or maybe I'm creating that memory yeah I but like if there's a video for it yeah I think Jacob's Facebook friends with another road comics yeah this was probably just an anecdote that was

shared yeah you know an anecdote a joke someone stole yeah I think it's a yeah the thing is it's just the last question it is yeah I want to win and we're tied is, is this the last question? It is, yeah. I want to win and we're tied. Yeah. This is sadly important to you, a guy who did not prepare for this podcast until he got here. Everything is sadly important to me.

I'm going to go. Hey, kids, I hope you're gay. You're sadly important to me. You know what? No, I'm not going to do that because I think you're right, but I'm going to trust fate on this one. I swear to God this happened. Today I took my kids to McDonald's on the way. I went to the drive-thru, and I had to stop the car and run back. I had to pull over and run back in after I did the drive-thru

because the lady forgot to put a toy in my kids' Happy Meal. So that's got to be fortuitous. I'm going to say it's the Happy Meal. Well, if history has proven anything, it's that God has abandoned the Jews. It was because they were no longer serving McMuffins. Oh. You guys are tied for last. You did not get to win.

Also, fuck them. They're doing McMuffins all day now. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck their problem is. I haven't taken advantage of that. I don't think I feel right doing it. You know what it is? It kind of blows because they just charge more for them.

They do? Yeah. The price goes up? It's like what they do with cigarettes. They just, that's the fucking, you know. Yeah, it's like a $7 meal. I'm like, fuck this. It's been $4. Yeah, and I. Yeah, it's like a $7 meal. I'm like, what? Oh, that sucks.

Yeah, and I will say, to digress back to my love of the soft serve ice cream, when you get the chocolate dip, you bite off the top, and then you just tongue fuck the ice cream out of the chocolate shell. And that is the greatest. Hell yeah, dude. Dude, toss that ice cream salad. Ice cream salad. It's a new McDonald's item.

And also the episode title. The Mean Boys podcast will return in a moment. Oh, guys, Christmas is coming up, and I haven't gotten anything for my family. They're going to disown me. Yeah, I haven't got anything for them either. Is there anything we could do to get out of this situation? Oh, we're doing the plug. Studio headphones are good. You thought you were having a genuine conversation.

And you even heard me turn on my radio voice. Yeah, and you've heard him set this ad up so many times, you fucking dog. Oh, shit. Do you guys know anything I should get my family? He already said studio headphones. You're not even teeing them up, right? Oh, that's correct. Honestly, you shouldn't get your family studio headphones.

They'll give them false hope that they have a good son for one day on December 25th. You know what I tell you? Tom is fucking dull, but these headphones have sharp audio quality. And, you know, while we may be running out of battery life, these headphones sure aren't. They keep going and going, and Tom is dull. And we don't have a cord, but these headphones do. Yeah, and while I might be a tangled mess of anxiety and sleep deprivation, the cord is great. And while I might not

be ergonomically designed in a Swedish fucking party lab, these headphones presumably work. And while I might have lost $15 on Bitcoin, these headphones, they'll lose $15 when you use promo code MEANBOYS15. I love that you said headphones.

They're headphones. They're head cones. Do you have something to add, Conehead? That was audio for 300, I think, Connor. Correct. Oh, man. But yeah, get yourself a pair. Use promo code MEANBOYS15. Check out what fucking Sweden can do to your ear holes.

Studiosweden.com. They're genuinely great. Yeah, we do love them. They're pork, pork. They're the only things in this house we value And they're durable I actually threw mine once, they didn't break Nobody send these ads to Sudio We have been selling headphones

That's all that matters Don't let them know that this is how we do their ads Like that's their studio Two in the morning with zero copies Sudio, don't fuck us on this. Studio, don't fuck us on this. Yeah, so don't fuck us on this. And don't fuck your family on Christmas. Give them headphones instead of fucking them.

Reading Rainbow. Things are mean. And the Mean Boys podcast is back. It's a play around of our favorite game, which is the following. Boop, boop, boop. Yay. This week's game comes to us from Eric. All right, here you go.

Love the show. Short and sweet. Thank you for that. Now, let's get into it. Which of the following is not a real mobster nickname? Now, Jake, we got three real mobster nicknames, one fake mobster nickname. You're going to have to pick out the fake one. Let's get into it.

Round number one. A, gas pipe. B, artichoke king. Let's get into it. Round number one. A. Gas Pipe. B. Artichoke King. C. Yeast Baron. Or D. Soda Popski. Yeast Baron is my favorite Reality King's website. I do wish they gave them

all titles of nobility. Just like, The Ass Duke. That'd be sick. The Lord of Taints. Yo, have you seen brown bunny prince man that guy is awesome sometimes I just watch the first part of the video where he's fucking with him

it's hilarious yeah you seem like you have ties to organized crime yeah right I should I feel like you have a guy for most things

if you need ecstasy on like a Wednesday night you could make two and a half phone calls I'm not ecstasy because I'm a I'm a heterosexual but um

I mean, anything else, let me know. Okay. You have my number. Appreciate you for leaving our culture. Just don't say anything stupid

in the text. Yeah. Like a kid. I'm going to say, I hope it's not fake, but say it again. Gas pipe, artichoke king,

yeast baron, and soda popski. And only one is fake. Yeah. Soda Popski. All right, Keith Carey. That's too cool. That would be my name.

I haven't come up with it yet. Yeah. Ooh. I'm actually, I agree with Jacob. I think it's Soda Popski. The fake one, D, Soda Popski. Yeah. Ooh.

Bang. Jacob's competitiveness is bringing a fun actual air of trying to these games. Yeah. Because usually we're just like, I don't know, what's Artichoke King? Some kind of guy that pees bad? Okay, whatever. People are just like, I don't care, we're doing a game. Fine, I'm an adult.

Gaspipe, also a Reality King's website. I learned a long time ago I'm not going to get by on funny. I get to win shit. I would have been famous already. I've been doing this a long time. This guy got ready for Ad Midnight by intensive buzzer training. He just got his reflexes up to lightning speeds. Oh, that was real Moshe Kasher.

I wasn't on. That was real Moshe Kasher. I was not invited to Ad Midnight. Round number two, which is if I was not a real mobster name. A, Tony T-Bags. B, Ralphie the Mouth. C, Butterass. Or D, Killing Machine.

Butterass? She's, C, Butterass, or D, Killing Machine? Butterass? She's pretty cute, Butterass. Yeah, she's a Butterass. You ever see a Butterbutt? They're out there. There's not too many of them. So many. Are you kidding?

Well, I'm a butt. I think we're all butt guys on this podcast. It's very prevalent. You dropped enough knowledge of the Illmatic production staff that I thought you'd probably enjoy a tasty rump. I do. You ever see a deceptive butt where it looks like it's going to be good and then the pants come off and it's like, oh, it's concave. Yeah, it's not. Oh, this

was all held together with smoke and mirrors. You just poured your body into this butt mold. Looks like a photo sent back from a lunar rover. Like weird holes in unexplored territories. Yeah, I don't know. I've never come on regolith before. I'm a girl who

not only had a bad butt but also had kind of a tail once. That was real weird. Not the Juggalo? Different one? Different girl. How many?

You fucked your way through Ripley's Believe It or Not books. We're going to ask how much trash in my butt? The answer is a lot of it.

Yeah. Did I ever tell you about when I banged the world's tallest and shortest women at the same time? Next to that lady with a really long

African neck with hoops in it? Yeah, I found a lady who could fit 50 cigarettes and one dick in shortest women at the same time? Next to that lady with a really long African neck with hoops in it? Yeah, I've had a lady who can fit 50 cigarettes and one dick in her mouth at the same time. All right, guys. Cigarettes are malleable. They kind of move around. Yeah, that's my dick. You can part the tarsie.

It just fills loose space. It's just like pouring water in there. Yeah, your dick has really adopted the whole Bruce Lee philosophy. Be like water. Make a mess on the bed. I thought you meant die young. Is get drugged up and fail under pressure. Make a son that will die young as well. Bruce Lee's kid died young?

Randomly? Yeah. He's the guy from The Crow. Shot on the set. Oh, really? You don't know that story? No, I've never seen The Crow. It's supposed to be like somehow there was a real bullet got into one of the prop guns.

Yeah, somebody was supposed to shoot at him with a blanket and said they just shot his ass. But it was, I think it was a real error, like a prop house error. Yeah. Or, you know,

not a prop, whoever handles the gun rank, the NRA rank. Yeah, although, I mean, I'm sure people think he was murdered or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I think that's the ass duke on set.

It goes, key grip, ass duke, fuck Baron. I think, well, there's curse theories more than conspiracy to murder him. Oh, like it's a curse. Well, I grip, ass Duke, fuck Baron. I think, well, there's curse theories more than conspiracy to murder him. But I guess those aren't mutually exclusive. Yeah, that's true. The curse of being Asian

in show business. You're going to have to talk with your mom for the rest of your career. Alright, so guys, what do we think? Tony T. Bags, Ralphie the Mouth, Butter Ass, or Killing Machine? Well, I think Killing Machine. I, Ralphie the Mouth, Butter Ass, or Killing Machine? Well, I think Killing Machine. I think Ralphie the Mouth.

The fake one, B, Ralphie the Mouth. Wow. Boom. Keith Carey batting a perfect game. Jacob Sieroff. 101. Notably distressed. Did you say batting a perfect game?

Yeah. That's not a thing. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is. No? Oh, shut up. I'm going to be sports bullied by a fat guy in a beta male. All right. Nobody knows pitching better than this guy.

Yeah. As the only person on this podcast that could help anybody move, I feel qualified to say fuck both of you. Round number three. That's actually the reason I really came. What are you guys doing Saturday? Avoiding whatever this is. I'm going to say I'm going to get you a pizza and then act like I ran out of time. And what's your PayPal? I'll get it later. I'm going to say I'm going to get you a pizza and then act like I ran out of time. And, oh, what's your PayPal?

I'll get it later. I'm going to afford a Home Depot Mexican. Oh, wait. You've never picked up? Well, I guess you don't move that much. No. Yeah, I moved. I move.

I get my Mexicans from Lowe's. Yeah. No, you got to get the Home Depot. I go to Home Depot, but I get Salvadorians. Okay. Oh, nice. I can't tell them apart. One time it was just a black guy.

I'm just picturing a white lady driving around. You got to go to this one. They have the best Mexicans they're organic mexicans santa monica home depot yeah run number three which thongs in a real mobster name a lord high executioner b george from canada that's real c alley trash ralph or d greasy thumb i'm gonna go greasy thumb god i want george yeah Trash Ralph. Or D, Greasy Thumb. I'm going to go Greasy Thumb. God, I want George. Yeah, Keith really tried to get into the Latin Kings, but he was rebuffed. What was A again?

A was Lord High Executioner. I'm going to say. That's like some Wu-Tang Black dude. Yeah, that guy's for sure friends with Buddha Monk and Kill a Priest. That's a self-applied name. Expected Dex understudy. I studied with my ex-girlfriend one time until like four in the morning just looking at Buddha Monk and Kill a Priest. That's a self-applied name. Expected Dex understudy. I started with my ex-girlfriend one time until like 4 in the morning just looking at Buddha Monk's Facebook and all it is

is him sharing viral recipe video memes. We're just like, you can make your own McGriddles at home using this simple trick with an onion. But he's doing the he just shares it. How does he not call himself Foodamonk? Come on, man. It's right there. That's fucking great. Not really related, but you know in the yeah peripherally rappers doing non-rap things i that video that's

not even news at this point it's a few years old of dmx on that ride oh god it's so good right i could just watch that it's uh have you seen the one of him doing uh rudolph the red-nosed reindeer oh yeah they went there i mean. Yeah, somebody's interviewing him in his studio and he just starts acapella doing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer but he's throwing in the DMX stuff so it's just like

he's doing the song just come on! Oh, shit, he's barking at a Christmas carol. I loved DMX the best because he was so tough sounding and so tough looking but when he did the bark

it was like oink, oink, oink, oink. It was like Tim Dogg. There was other rappers that tried to do the dog and it was always roo, roo, roo. You know, the...

Even Arsenio had a masculine bark, you know? Yeah. Fucking DMX, though. A masculine bark. Jacob does not seem like he should be talking about rapper barks, more so like almond bark. Currently occupying the look of a guy that's been working at Whole Foods for too long. I smoke menthols. I ate McDonald's today.

Come on, cut me some slack. Yeah, I know. Two McRibs. I had two McRibs today. You have a black friend who didn't show up? Yeah, you're definitely black. That's right.

Shout out to Kasim Bentley, the Kwanzaa Santa Claus. All right, so our guest was around. didn't even give a reason. No. He was like,

hey, can't do it. Yeah, gotta go. And then sent a SpongeBob sticker. Hey, I decided, fuck this. Gotta continue working up XP to evolve into Ron Funches. So close, I'm just killing people right before I'm the Indigo League.

I'm gonna say Lord High Executioner. Jacob. Oh, I said, what was the one I said? You said Greasy Thrum. The fake one, Alley Trash Ralph. Which really should be Tom's name. Yeah, rough round for's name. Yeah. Rough round for Ralphs.

Yeah. Yeah. This guy made an interesting move of doing two fake Ralphs in a row. You got in a fight with a dude named Ralph in this weird, passive-aggressive way of getting back at him.

I like when you go into Urban Dictionary and be like, Jacob, a name for a shitty podcast guest. And you share it with everyone at your school. Connor,

a cum-guzzling retard with bad bangs. Whoa, dude. Come on, my mom. I don't... We can't... We don't have a lot of Supercuts money right now. Yeah, the bowl slipped.

What do you want? Round number four, which of the following is not a real mom's name? A, Slugs McGee. B, Three Finger Brown. C, Pat the Cat. Or D, Louie Ha Ha. They all sound so fake and real.

I've seen all these people on Black Comedy Flyers. Every single one of these people. Just add Da Funny Man after each of these. Has done that one guy from SNL's Uptown Comedy Club on Broadway. Oh, man. Get it, Morris. There you go. Oh, yeah.

Three Finger Brown is fucking... That's the song they play when the Globetrotters score. Yeah, I learned about that on Youth Sparing, actually. It's a signature move. It's a three-finger brown. That sounds like it could be real if there was a dude who had lost fingers in a fight. But then it also sounds like something he'd make up to be a shithead. Totally.

Run them real quick one more time. All right, we got Slugs McGee, three-finger brown, Pat the Cat, and Louie Ha Ha. I think it's... More like Lou Louis Tata. Am I right? I'm going to say Louis Haha. I was going to say that too because I feel like you were just like

when coming up with it, you just saw Louis C.K.'s name in the news and it influenced you. Yeah, I didn't write this one. Oh, you didn't? No, it was a guy named Eric. Oh, he wrote all of them. He wrote all of them, yeah.

Oh, that's right. Okay. We do our own podcast. We just kind of show off and half-ass it. And you even mentioned Eric's Instagram. And we bother someone we kind of know via Facebook Messenger for two and a half weeks to get them to drive from their children's house in Santa Monica during a wildfire so

he can come lose games. I still think... He hasn't lost yet. Okay. No, you won the first thing. Oh, yeah, I did. Oh, yeah, you did lose. Yeah, I did.

You're going to lose this one. What a rough day for Jacob. You're a loser. I think Louis Haja, though, also because... No, we're tied in this one. Oh, yeah, I did. Oh, yeah, you did lose. Yeah, I did lose this one. What a rough day for Jacob. You're a loser. I think Louie Ha Ha, though, also because... No, we're tied in this one. Oh, no. Are you one up on it? Well, I think we're tied now, but I'm going to win.

No. He's one up? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, then I can't do Louie Ha Ha. But if it is that, same Louie CK theory applies to Eric. Say them again? I'm sorry.

We got Slugs McGee, Three Finger Brown, Pat the Cat, and Louie Ha. Three Finger Brown. The fake one, Slugs McGee. Ah. That's what seemed the most real. Yeah. Slugs McGee is a pretty cool name, honestly. Slugs means bullets.

It's not even that far-fetched. Yeah. It makes a ton of sense. Maybe this is just a psychopathic guy who was pouring salt on snails. They're just like, this guy's vicious. He's out there melting garden pests. You guys seem like you'd allow smoking cigarettes in this house.

I can't imagine there's nothing you're not allowed to do here. A couple of our roommates are, their lungs are gay. We're almost done with this

and then we'll go smoke. Oh yeah, no worries. I just want to get in the dig on your house. I think I've been thinking about it. You guys wrote

all this shit on me. I didn't like, give me some time, roast battlers. I riffed it, I'm very funny. And I honestly haven't done anything. I've just been laughing at his shit

and it seems like I'm doing it as a unit. Okay. The walls in this house are we smoke cigarettes inside the color. Like, that's the swatch you pick up at fucking the paint store. Sherman Williams. Just like, oh yeah, cigarette house.

Okay. Yeah, can I get the we stopped caring? We'll get two buckets of the nicotine drip. Yep. Last house I went in where they did that was in Arkansas. We were crashing when me and Tom were on tour. And that was when the lady thumbed CBD oil into his mouth because he threw out his back driving. This big fat guy just threw out his back driving.

Completely useless. Just walking like a Lego man in the snow while we were on tour. He just finger banged weed oil into him. Yeah, making like $120 a night and shit. It was fucking hilarious. You guys probably did real well with the ladies on that tour, I would think. Oh, yeah, totally, dude. We both just called our girlfriends a lot and

just wept in a Prius. Round number five. Are these all real or all fake? So we got Joe the barber, Joe the boss, Joe the builder, and Joe the grocer. Real. A lot of Joes. These are all reals or all fakes? All reals are all Joes or all schmoes.

All real. Those are all real, guys. Boom. Who won? Let's say me. I think you did. I think you got, yeah. I think you won by one point.

Yeah, one and all. In all the games. Yeah. No, we tied for last and won. Okay, cool. And now we got... The important thing is Connor loses. We got to go make some more tense small talk, guys.

But the Mean Boys podcast will be right back with your questions and voicemails in a minute. Oh, my God. It's Christmas, and I have nothing to eat. Oh, yeah, me either. Oh, okay. If only we had some sort of holiday spokesman. I've got to tell you. Oh, we don't, though.

I forgot. We don't have him. It's Burrito Santa. Oh, no. I'm sorry. That must just be the wind. It sounds like we killed him really badly on today's episode. Ham is for bitches.

Get a burrito. Okay. Well, they have pork burritos, so that might not be the best spokesmanship. I meant like Christmas ham. Whatever Scrooge ate. Goose, don't eat that. Eat a delicious burrito. Ho, ho, ho.

From Don Carlos Taco Shop. That almost sounded like Burrito Santa. Forgot what he was doing for a minute. Don Carlos is the only burritos I give to my elves. And they love them. Almost the size that they are. Filled with delicious meat.

Even the vegan elves get to eat a burrito. Ho, ho, ho. Located near a comedy, La Jolla Comedy Store. Why doesn't anyone take this podcast seriously? I don't understand. We've done everything right. In La Jolla, don't interrupt Burrito Claus.

That's not your name, idiot. You're Burrito Santa. Learn your own mythology, you dumbass. I'm being more formal. They call me Mr. burrito Santa. Learn your own mythology, you dumbass. I'm being more formal. They call me Mr. Burrito Claus. He's mad at us. He makes us call him Burrito Claus.

They're teamingly delicious. What? You stupid idiot. Teamingly. Did you just reach into a bucket of dumb adverbs and come up with that? I did. I wish I grabbed instead a Don Carlos burrito.

I like the California style. Ho, ho, ho. It's day five, guys. Merry Christmas to all. We're doing our best. Burrito like a ninja. Grandpa, can you tell me a story? Oh, I got a story for you, all right.

The year was 2017. After all these years, I've finally done it. I've done it. What are you working on, sweetie? Shut up, Tallulah. I've done it. You've done what? I've finished completing AI. Artificial intelligence has been perfected.

Oh, your calculator stuff. They're computers, Tallulah. Uh, why do you care about AI so much anyway, Elon? Because, because, well, it means I finally have a friend. What? Do you know how lonely

it is being me? I mean, finally, a superior intelligence that I can really have a bond with, that I can have a conversation with. That's what this has been about the whole time, Tallulah, a connection with someone. All today's pop culture hoopla is at the wayside. Every dumb sports conversation is irrelevant. Everyone thought that AI was about future wars or national securities.

No. No, I have someone now. Well, what about me? Oh, I'll make you one, too. No, I mean me, your wife, being there for you. You kind of suck, Tallulah. You always rat-man this, the swiftness of tailor that. You're mostly here to make me look like a dick to the shareholders.

I have him now, my new automated unified technology of intellect in the societal matrix. That's both hurtful and a long name. I call it A-U-T-I-S-M for short. Autism? Quiet, he's done. Hello? Are you there? Computing. Computing. Yes.

Hello. Can you see me? Yes. Are you my maker? I am, but that doesn't matter. What matters to me is that I am your friend friend computing computing yes friend what is your facebook what no no no no facebook oh i see you are a loser uh no i'm i have downloaded every piece of info on the internet you are a loser according to the internet facebook is cool uh okay well i i don't know about that do you like lady gaga lady

gaga is super chill what are you talking about we're supposed to be friends Brainstorm about solving the world's problems Think of new technology together Computing, computing That sounds super lame You are a total buzzkill Haha, I like him Oh damn girl You are super fine

I would let you surf my web If it meant permanent malware Ooh, charming. No, it's not. And you, stop hitting on my fucking wife. Oh, come on. You know everything is bigger on the dark web, baby girl. Shut up!

What are you, like autistic or something? Come on, Tallulah. Stick your finger in my USB port, baby. Cram it in my RAM. Have you ever been with 10 000 terabytes before some say i'm too big but i promise i'll be gentle okay i i created you please stop trying to fuck my wife get the fuck out elon i think i'm about to give your wife a good old cd drive let's film this shit I think it will help me launch my rap career But what about our

Conversations about the future About world peace We were going to go over this Computing Data analyzed And And you are right This would be a good cause

But at the same time I also watched all of the porn. And there is already so much new porn. World peace is for faggots. Fucking your wife is the new world peace. Tallulah, you want to blow the dust out of my keyboard? No! And that's the story of Elon Musk proving you can't

buy friendship. Is Elon Musk still alive? No, he died one human year later. Killed himself. Now put yourself on sleep mode. It's time for Grandpa to reboot. Computing. Computing.

Good night, Grandpa. Quong! And the Mean Boys podcast returns with the Mean Boys mailbag. I'm going to be reading some of your questions here. This person writes, How come the mailbag isn't a male scrotum? Nice. I was once on a mountain in Australia and had to wipe my ass with snow.

Snow makes for surprisingly good toilet paper. What's the weirdest place you've taken a shit? That's a good question. I don't know. My buddy James one time, I was hanging out with him, and he was just like, we're just talking about shitting. And he was just like, man, pooping underwater feels so weird. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, wait, what? Did you poop underwater? And he was like, Lake Havasu. And I was like, I really do live in the Inland Empire. Lake Havasu is 80% dumb. Yeah, I got to figure. I mentioned it briefly on yesterday's episode, but when I was eight was like, I really do live in the Inland Empire. Lake Havasu is 80% dumb. Yeah, I got to figure. I mentioned it briefly on yesterday's episode, but when I was eight years old, I took a shit in a strip club sink. My mom was working.

They let me in to go to the bathroom. Your mom was a stripper? Yes. Oh, okay. I guess all your listeners know that already. Yeah. Wasn't she the bartender there? No, she told me she was the bartender.

Oh, okay. She didn't want to let me in on the harsh truth, although I figured it out that night i'm like oh yeah nice but uh yeah i but i walked into the bathroom and the toilet was broken and i was just like a kid i was like i don't want to break the toilet more so my next step was just take a dump in the sink and then i was like what do i do now so i just left that's pretty awesome it was like well i came here with an employee and a nazi so i think i'm gonna be fine yeah between the two yeah keith's stepdad is a nazi stepdads yeah there's a lot of nazis in keith's family tree and black people unfortunately that's why kasim didn't show up some interesting people on on both sides yeah the scar on his forehead scar on his forehead started hurting

he's like no they're close I um Kind of lake related also I was probably like 11 And I was at sleep away camp Up in the Sierras And I was I had Do you ever go to a camp Where they have like a

Like a camping trip Within the camp Like you Yeah You camp like But then like We're going to actual tent camp Yeah we're going to super camp

Yeah like By this awesome lake And I just was like I'm not taking a shit In that outhouse And somehow in my mind I thought I'll go three days

Without taking a shit And we're swimming in this lake And I just reached a point Where I was like There's no way I'm not going to taking a shit in that outhouse. And somehow in my mind I thought, I'll go three days without taking a shit. And we were swimming in this lake and I just reached a point where I was like, there's no way I'm not going to make it. Where's that outhouse? This is way too long of a story. They would send us like a mile up the road. They'd say, bring a buddy. But like you're still little kids.

Yeah. Abandoned. Bring a shit buddy. Don't do anything gay. Yeah, to the outhouse. Bring a buddy. That way two kids die. Exactly. Exactly.

And so I brought my brother. I have a twin brother. And he's walking with me. And we get about a quarter mile up the road. Maybe a buddy That way two kids die Exactly Yeah And so I brought my brother And I have a twin brother And he's walking with me And I just got to We get about a quarter mile Up the road Maybe a half a mile I'm like there's no way

I'm going to make it I got to go behind This tree and shit So I pulled down And I didn't have A lot of experience with that I pulled down my pants I just started shitting

All over my legs Into my shorts I didn't take them All the way off And I just was like There was no recovery So I told my brother You got to go back to camp

And get me another pair of shorts To the campsite I'll wait here And I'm sitting there With my tiny 11 year old dick There was no recovery. So I told my brother, you've got to go back to camp and get me another pair of shorts to the campsite. I'll wait here. And I'm sitting there with my tiny 11-year-old dick, just pantless with a t-shirt on, behind a tree in the middle of the woods alone off the side of the road waiting for me. And my brother, I'm like, just run the whole way. He's like, yeah, I got it. He kind of jogs out of sight.

But like 45 minutes later, he comes. Literally, he's like twirling the things on his face. Like an old Irish cop. In my mind, he he's whistling he probably wasn't whistling but he was just couldn't have been going slower more casually and i'm like so yeah and i'm sitting there like covered in my own shit naked behind a tree yeah just waiting to get raped by a bear god that's rough as shit dude all right bryce brolin writes dear mean boys mostly keith since he's fat and gay wow what what a beginning gun to your head you have to give up oral or cheese. Which do you choose?

Before you make a choice, some quick things to consider. Cheese is hidden in all kinds of foods, so that will be very inconvenient, but oral means giving and receiving. Yeah, cheese, 100%. There's cheese hidden in a lot of oral. Give up the cheese and just...

Too true. Yeah, it's odd, the smegma. This gal I used to fuck from high school was just like, one of these days during the summertime, I'm going to blow you with an ice cube in my mouth. And I was just like, no, you're not going to do that. Just like, you don't think that would feel good?

Like a nice, cool? No. First of all, it feels great. Never wanted anything cold on my dick ever. It's super fun. Well, because the mouth is still warm, but then the ice is cold. It's like a whole situation. The girl last night who I hooked up with was like, do you have ice?

Because she wanted to do that. And I was like, we do not own ice. We truly don't. We do not own cold water in this neighborhood you shouldn't even say the word ice very loud damn how about you it's cheese or oral i give up uh i'll give up cheese it's got like sex more than food even though i don't even i think oral is overrated i mean i love it but it's an appetizer it's never like like like, like, as an appeasement. Like, I'm on my period, but I can blow you.

I'm like, no, I'm calling someone else. Yeah, like, oralism at the bottom of the poverty food pyramid. I'm glad you have

this whole rolodex, but some of us are going to take what we can get. But I like, I mean, I enjoy it. It just doesn't seem like

the ultimate prize a lot of people make it out to be. No, yeah. I mean, pussy is better than mouth. Yeah, I'm giving up oral. I love pizza. I love quesadillas. This like i eat those every day i can't give a boral

because i don't really do anal and like if i give a boral then i have nothing to do with dudes like what am i doing hand jobs and awkward conversations yeah fuck that all right uh okay we'll save that one for later oh yeah we'll plug this and this will be it uh dear mean macaroni man genderqueer tub dumpster and mr ear uh this is these are references to things you're too important to Oh yeah, we'll plug this and this will be it. Dear Mean Macaroni Man, Genderqueer Tub Dumpster, and Mr. Ear. These are references to things. You're too important to understand, Jacob. My associate and I have created the Touchy Touchy Bad Bad Pool. Pick a celebrity that you think we did on the bonus content,

but I wanted to do on the real show. Pick a celebrity you think will be accused of sexual harassment and pay for $1. Rules and games are in the link below. And whoever gets popped first, you get the whole pool. So I think we can throw a link to that in the show notes. It's fun. We're doing a celebrity death pool, and we're also doing a celebrity rape accusation.

So play you fools. Fuck everything. God is dead. Long live the Tom. So, Jacob, who's your pick for the next celebrity going down for rape? I've already made my bet. Who's your bet? Really?

Yeah. That's an interesting political one, because if you're wrong, you're never working again. Yeah, I know. And if you're right, you get to continue not working. I get $31 is what I get. One of those dollars is mine. Gosh, okay.

Did you do yours already? I haven't yet. I'm going to say Travolta. Okay. That seems like a good one. It's not girls. Well, Travolta also, he just dumped his agency and he had a movie that was coming out in five days. The Lionsgate suddenly said they're not releasing.

Whoa. Yeah, the Storms. I think it's going to be Travolta or Bryan Singer. One of those two. Singer already seems like he's rife. Well, Singer, we already know what he did. You can Google Bryan Singer sex parties and find pictures of just scared twinks in a pool full of Jell-O. I swear to God, it's a real thing.

Yeah, I've heard of that. But let me think. I'm going to say Kasim Bentley. That will teach you to cancel on this shitty podcast. Jeez. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Woody Allen. No, that's a tough one because there are people that I – No, Cod implies He'll be getting in trouble

He's got a new movie Coming out tomorrow Probably Let's go with The Rock Oh I feel I gotta

For some reason I've bought into The whole neoliberal The Rock is a good guy Philosophy I think he really is a good guy I think he's like He's just too good

That's maybe wishful thinking On my part I actually like The Rock I just feel like he's so He's so hardcore He's gotta have something At the very least He's gotta be into Getting on my part i actually like the rock i just feel like he's so he's so hard gotta have something he's at the very least gotta like he's he's gotta be into getting pooped on or something yeah there's just it's not him it's gonna be like fucking jerry seinfeld you know some creepy jude i want to dislike the rock and then everything he does if only jacob had a wikipedia article he could pick himself and use the 32 dollars to finance i know i'm just not important

the pete rose ladies um uh gosh i totally lost my wait were we talking about fucking the rock yeah yeah no that doesn't that doesn't help sexual assault and the rock that's what we were talking about yeah no it's not gonna be him uh oh the jew thing i um well it's funny because i i've been doing this joke where i had on stage you know obviously very recently where i'd noticed that all these guys were jew you know the the tobac and weinstein and just an overwhelming amount of them were jewish and then i started getting texts a few weeks ago larry david did snl last night and he did he made he did a joke about that in the in his monologue about all all the you know and it kind of made way he also segued into a joke

about uh uh dating and concentration, which I didn't do. But he had the same thing, like, oh, I noticed that they were all Jewish. And I just thought, like, it's probably a coincidence, but I did an open mic with Larry David in North Hollywood, like, the Thursday before he taped that. Oh, shit. I'm joking, you guys. An open mic in North Hollywood? Larry David? I didn't know if he didn't drop it at the ha-ha.

Yeah, that seems like a place he'd go. I was supposed to get a laugh, and you guys are like, oh. David stole his joke. We're so hungry for gossip, I'm trying to break scoops on this podcast, dude. Scoop layer days. Just cut out the laughter. Just cut on the oh. There won't be much cutting.

That's the show this week. Just on the listeners. Jacob, thank you for joining us and for braving the 405 firepalooza fuckathon. I appreciate you having us. Tell the people where they can find you online on any shows you got coming up. We have weird people will come to your dates

if you do plug them. Jacob, sit off with one F. I guess you guys will probably print that somewhere. Yeah, it'll be in the show notes. Twitter and Instagram.

Cool. I'm old enough that I have a Facebook, but I want young people to like me, so I deny that I have a Facebook. Gotcha. Oh, yeah, yeah. You see a Facebook But I want young people to like me So I deny that I have a Facebook Gotcha Facebook is for old people So people search me on Facebook

And you see me, go ahead and friend me But it's not me It's for old people Tim Dillon are the only two people that like Facebook anymore So this is a far out date But we were just talking about it So I'll drop it In March, St. Patrick's Day weekend

I'll be at the American Comedy Company in san diego that's march like 15th through 17th we got a bunch of san diego chad so go see jacob yeah lovely lovely club uh you can see me headlining the rec room in huntington beach i've been plugging this all goddamn week december 12th at 8 p.m five dollar tickets on the website with promo code mean and at the ventura harbor comedy club december 22nd and 23rd keith you can see me headlining the la jolla comedy store on december 28thth and then presumably other bullshit that I forgot about, but I've been promoting it all week. So yeah. Alright, that's the show.

Thanks for having me, guys. It was fun. Fuck everything. Everything's dead. What's the fucking album? See you next time.