Mean Boys - EP 98 - Snuggle Escrow (feat. Barbara Gray)

Episode Date: December 9, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “You Be The Judge", “Improv”, "Fartmeister and The Spazz: NPR", and a game of "Which of the Following" with Tinder bios. Listen to Barbara's podcasts: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/lady-to-lady/id578706812?mt=2 https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/lady-to-lady/id578706812?mt=2 Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Barbara Gray on Twitter: twitter.com/babsgray Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Keith Conner and Tom from the Mean Boys Podcast. Brr, brr, brr, brr. Coming at you with the second to last day of motherfucking Snark Week. Second to last. Yeah, penultimate. Oh, fuck. Today's episode, super fun one, Barbara Gray came in. What's her social media?

Do you remember off the top of your head? Babs Gray. Yeah, Babs Gray. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, all that shit. Listen to the Lady to Lady Podcast. You guys, thank you so much for all the support you've given to Snark Week. A lot of you have been telling us how much you've been enjoying it We've enjoyed doing it, even though it has melted our brains

Please leave us iTunes review, rate, subscribe, do all that shit That helps us out quite a bit Yeah, I would have one pulled up, but I forgot So they're out there, I'll read them If that incentivizes you doing it, I will read them Yeah, if it sounds a little terse in here, it's because we're preparing to do some very dumb shit Yeah, we're going to play them. Yeah, yeah. If it sounds a little terse in here, it's because we're preparing to do some very dumb shit. Yeah, we're gonna play Monopoly. Yeah. Bonus content.

And if you want to hear this Monopoly game and either a charming piece of audio or a descent into full-blown madness and rage, subscribe to the Mean Boys Patreon. Patreon.com slash Mean Boys. $5 a month gets you access to weekly bonus content. In the case of Snark Week, daily bonus content. So you

got fucking hours more meme boys that you can catch up on if you join right now. If you give a little bit more, you can get yourself some swag, some merch, some goodies. You can even get on this show if you have a crazy amount of money and you really, really want that real bad. Way too much money. Too much money. Go to the show

notes and click on the tour sheet we got posted up there. We are going on tour next year. We want to know where you are, and if you want us to come perform at a city near you, fill it out. Let us know where you're at, how many people you could bring, if we could crash on your couch. Yes, that is a legitimate concern. And we'll be hitting the rest of the country

later this year. We're excited to meet you guys. Last but not least, we have the Tom Goss Celebrity Death Pool coming up next year. Why don't you explain that to anybody who missed out on it? Pick 20 celebrities. When they die, you get points depending on how old they are and whether or not they killed themselves. Maybe they're a breast cancer death that died during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Maybe they're a black celebrity that died during Black History Month. You're so good at explaining things. There's a $10 buy-in. You're going to be playing with the hosts of this show and some of the previous guests. Other fans. We're all going to be talking shit. You can win yourself some money if you place in the top three.

Right now, if we have enough people, it'll be top three. Right now, I think it's like $70 or $80 the first place. Nice. The more people join, the bigger that pot gets and it's only costing you ten dollars to join uh starts january 15th if you're interested in that email tom goss at uh tom goss comedy at gmail.com for more information so i think that's all out of the way did i miss anything nope cool enjoy today's episode with barbara gray hello and welcome to the me is that too loud adjust my mic you've done this almost a hundred times. I think that was just you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it usually is.

Hello, and welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. You just believe in love because you refuse to believe in loneliness. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Barbara Gray. And I'm... A beanie baby that works for the Russian mafia. Aw.

That's not bad. You have like a soft, huggable body and then a face that says, like, I'm going to break your knees. Yeah. I was going to go white power armadillo, but that works too. Barbara Gray joins us in the studio. Yeah, hello. Hi.

Hey, we are commiserating over our Bitcoin losses on the patio outside. Tom's jug money still holding strong. Yeah, so far I have lost the least amount of money with that jug. You absolutely have, yeah. For the non-Patreon people, I put my money in Bitcoin and Tom put his money in a, quote, gallon water jug like he is crossing the Mexican border. How do you know you haven't lost it? You haven't counted it recently, have you? No, I haven't, but

I mean, I don't know. Somebody could be dipping. Yeah. I feel like I'd notice just in terms of like, oh, that's two less coins from ten. I feel like I'd be able to keep track. If anybody's listening in the Orange County area, Tom's jug is unattended as we speak.

I lost a lot of money from hackers. That's what I named the raccoon that lives in my house. Ravens love shiny things. It's really... Stealing your money jug. That would not be the first time you've gotten into an altercation with a bird. No, me and birds... I'm sick of these rumors about me not

getting along with birds. I've gotten along... These are the concerns of Tom. I'm sick of these rumors about me not getting along with birds. I've got along. These are the concerns of Tom. I'm sick of these damaging rumors in my personal life. I like you said me not getting along with birds. Yeah, no, I get along with birds great. I told you about the time I went. Who gets along with birds? I was black riding one time, and this bird just landed on my knee and then just chilled there.

And then I stopped to try to get it off, and it didn't want to get off my knee. That is some sweet relations with the bird community and you cannot argue that. Tom, what have I told you about biking with seeds in your pocket? We've been over this. No seeds. I know you're hoping they'll fall out a little bit at a time so you can find your way home. I saved an eagle one time.

Shut up. What did you save an eagle from? Did you start a GoFundMe for a gay bar? What did you do? It was an eagle or a falcon. It tried to kill my old pet bird, rest in peace. And she grabbed... I thought you said recipes. I knew how it was going to end.

They were going to cook it. Yeah, recipes. And Barbara was still not out. She's like, that's probably something he would name a bird. This is my cat ingredients. Grabbed a blanket. The blanket skimmed against the pool and then the eagle was stuck in the pool, and then I fished it out with one of those clean the pool things. You mean a net?

Yeah, a net. And then it almost let me pet it, but it was just like, which I didn't pet it, but I couldn't have gotten closer, and then the eagle just kind of bobbed and weaved away from me. But that thing could have torn my fucking hand off. Did it fly away? Eventually. It was too cold. It was... Tom, you're getting real close to being the falcon guy.

I'm going to walk up on the patio one day and you're like, oh yeah, this is Eric. Say hi. One time I was hanging out with my friends who were in a bluegrass rock band in T Temecula or something. And I got to play Houston. Just the sheer concentration of batshit outlandish details you have dropped in the last four minutes.

I told you guys about this. They let me play stand-up bass with them, which is made out of a... They didn't let you play the jug? Yeah, back when I was cage fighting on a garbage barge. Yeah, that's when I befriended a talking squirrel that I named Imaginary. The stand-up bass was made out of a wash basin, like mower string, and a broomstick handle. And you just kind of shifted it back and forth. And then in the morning...

You know we have like real instruments now. That wasn't their shtick. I feel like everybody else in the band had real instruments. And they're like, oh, Tom can be in the band too. And they just handed him some loose garbage. They were playing like... Tom, you not being a Washtub bass player was giving up your purpose in life. Yeah.

And then the next morning... That was number one on your career aptitude test you took in high school. It was Washtub bass player and then government benefit recipient. You know, weirdly, I got nanny. The man who hurt my daughter. I got nanny on that fucking thing. What? What?

Yeah. I was just like, I'm not taking care of kids. That test is broken. It is. It's a terrible test. I don't think... I think you seem like you'd be a good nanny. I would let Tom babysit, actually.

Yeah. I'm fine. I'm literally Tom babysit, actually. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm literally never going to have children just because I know they will meet Tom one day. And I know he's going to be like, yeah, I tried to hug it and it broke. I've got nieces. I'm the cool uncle. I'm the crazy uncle, but I'm a cool uncle. You can be both.

I've got the same thing. I've got choreographer. Me, someone who hates dancing. Choreographer? Yeah, right? Yeah, I was offended like comedian was like number three not really it was all just like how do you solve problems well that was just because like the state wouldn't

let him just put gay as a career option I think another one was like that's my backup plan if Bitcoin falls even more what was what was the PC term for janitor that everyone tried to get up in arms about? Tom.

What do you think you're talking about? You're thinking of custodian? Yeah, I got custodian. But there was no janitor fucking... Yeah, there was. There was somewhere. It's not like flight attendant like stewardess. I don't think it's the same. Yeah, janitor is not gender offensive. It just means your job sucks.

Yeah, well, they were just like, it has negative connotations. We should find a word that doesn't make it seem below us. I've never heard of this. Well, you guys weren't recommended to be janitors. Did you get janitor on your list? Yeah, I did. Nanny and janitor?

And you got offended. You're like, sir, I am called a custodial. You're like, I just play an instrument with garbage. I don't clean. I got all the worst recommendations. And then Nanny was the one that made the most money. And then I just like, which is really sad. And then I tried to just like retake it to try to get it to tell me I should be a comedian.

All right. So I have good news and bad news. Derek is asleep and Sarah was taken away by a hawk. Now, I thought I could negotiate with the hawk, and that's how I lost all your bread. The uniting theory here is it just gave you suggestions of jobs that, like, illegal immigrants work. Like, I don't really know why.

Oh, that's true. I just thought of that. I think the test is just trying to deport you. It was a weird class. I sat next to a kid who was always bragging that his great-great-great-grandfather, something like that, was John Wilkes Booth, and fucking the teacher hated me. Wait, it was a whole class about taking the test?

Yeah, yeah. Or about finding out what you were going to do? Well, it was like career prepping or something. It was freshman year before they threw him in special ed. Of course. How long did they expect freshmen in high school to start preparing for their careers? I think they literally

at California public schools literally let's just get you technically graduated. They do not give a flying hot fuck about anything else. They're just shoving you towards the door as quickly as they can. I've been hearing hot fuck a lot lately. Is that a new thing? Do people say this?

I mean, it's a great phrase. I've always used it. My friend said I don't give a flying hot fuck the other day, and I think I kind of like, I don't know. It's trending in real life. That's pretty cool.

Add some stank to it. Yeah, yeah. Well, guys, now that we've learned more about Tom than anyone should ever know. He didn't finish the story about the band. Oh, yeah. So the next morning, we stayed in their horse trailer.

And then the next morning... I've been awake for 30 minutes. Were the horses watching in the audience? No, it was vacant. The horse trailer was vacant. They couldn't afford tickets. And then the next morning, we were eating breakfast, and this raven just showed up.

And they're like, oh, yeah, it's Terry. And then they just feed it, and the raven would just chill with us and then steal forks. They just had a pet raven that went soaring around. And the raven drove the tour bus. We were the kings of the forest. And it was not a crow. It was a raven.

I'm pretty sure it was a raven, not a crow. It could have been a crow. I don't really remember. Barbara just took the tone of every school guy. school guy like tom did you actually see a crow so your friend uh your bluegrass band is that is that really a thing yeah i was never in the band i accidentally yeah now now that uh the basin for the wash you're the elvis ramon of that bluegrass band you just did one gig my dad i feel really bad about it because i asked for it back and i just never got it back to him and now my my dad, because they still tour and stuff,

my dad is now, he turned the basin into the fish part of his aquaponics setup. So it's all... How do you know the word aquaponics but not custodian? I keep watching Barbara kind of get acclimated to Tom and then he hits her with another left hook and she's like, oh fuck, I'm an adult. We've met before, I can't remember. I think so, but I think it's been a while.

Well, welcome. Now I'm really getting to know you. She might have just had a fever dream at one point. Okay, that's enough of you. Let's get into the Mexican joke. Alright, I'll take us away this week. Firefighters freed a YouTuber who cemented his head into a microwave. After installing a breathing tube, they were able to smash the concrete,

but they politely declined to smash that like button. Oh, boy. That was a good one, guys. That was a good one? That was terrifying. I didn't see it. Oh, my God. I just read it.

I saw the pictures of it. It looks absolutely terrible. It looked like he set a microwave for a head. He cemented his head into a microwave. It was inside the microwave? Yes. It was on top of his head with cement. What was the next step of that plan?

It was for a YouTube video. I don't know. But that's not even a fun prank. No, it's fucking scary. Yeah, he's got it. I think it would be fun if he went for a swim afterwards. I think that would be... And all these for a swim afterwards. I think that would be... And all these other firefighters are pissed because they're like, thanks for distracting

us from what we should really do. Yeah, we have old ladies to help. Yeah. Yeah, but you decided to be dumb for a day, so this is your deal. I'm glad I didn't do my joke about that because I think yours was better. Oh, geez. Oh, man. We are really set up for failure here.

It's day six here. That's good. That's good. All right. Is it six? I thrive in failure. Wildfires are threatening Los Angeles's lavish Bel Air neighborhood. The Fresh Prince has been safely escorted to safety aboard Jiggy Force One.

Oh, my God. Jiggy Force One. Worst sneaker line ever, I think. Okay. Here we go. So, time's person of the Year was The Silence Breakers, the women who came out about sexual assault, which is pretty cool, but where were The Silence Breakers

whenever I was watching a movie with my parents and a sex scene came on? That was good. I like it. That was good. That's totally dumb. The largest wildfires in the history of L.A. have gone rampant this week. Authorities blame the heat generated from the Mean Boys podcast.

Oh, God. Oh, man. I have a version of that. I'm glad I chose. Wow. Fucking nine iTunes reviews in one week. We must displace all these people from their home. Snark Week is up in flames.

We only got canceled by two guests this week. Yeah. I'm sorry. Three guests this week. Oh, who's the third? What? I'm not going to say on air. Oh, snark week is up in flames. We only got canceled by two guests this week. Yeah. I'm sorry, three guests this week. Oh, who's the third? What? I'm not going to say on air. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, guys. Can you whisper it to me? No. No, Tom, that's not how microphones work. This is why I've been saying we need to learn sign language, all right? You guys never listen to me. Anheuser-Busch has pre-ordered 40 Tesla semi-trucks. The CEO says he's excited for his product

To get involved with a battery that doesn't end in a police report You get drunk and you fight, you see See, I thought that was the loser And I thought, fuck, I for sure thought smash that like button Every time I think I have a winner It's always the one I almost didn't do that everyone laughed at Yeah, sorry, I don't know why There's no rhyme or reason to any of this.

Two students were shot and killed at a New Mexico high school along with one cartoon rabbit who really did take the wrong turn at Albuquerque. That is the most whimsical school shooting joke I've ever written. Yeah, and it's stiff competition. Yeah, no, no. I've written way too many. My soul is black.

Okay. Roy Moore is up in the polls for his Senate race. He'll be celebrating tonight with a free pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese. Just like that cowboy hat floating above the ball pit with the shark in jaws. A British model has cut off her labia and turned it into jewelry. If you want to make this girl happy, eat out her bracelet. I love that one. It's fantastic.

Thank you. Thank you. Good job. Oh, God. I know it was surgical, but just the way you described it, it seemed like she had a pair of safety scissors. It's also the way the fucking news article described it. They did not.

She just did it on purpose. She had to do it? No, when you read the bottom of the article. She had some medical condition where she had turbo labias and they got them cut off anyway. Yeah, but the news article title was woman cuts off her labia

and turns it into designer jewelry. I feel like if you cut off your labia, you turn it into a necklace. I feel bracelet would be hard. It was a necklace. Bracelet's just a funnier word than, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry we fact-checked this much of my joke.

Oh, no, I was just thinking out loud. I don't know. It's late, guys. I should be in bed. A police officer has been caught on camera pulling a man out of a burning car and then kicking him repeatedly. In a related story,

the police are considering just hiring vampires because they don't show up on film. Oh my god. You're right. You have a vampire. Oh, thanks. Yeah, vampire cops. You know?

Hang on. The car was on fire. They do show up on camera, don't they? Or not? I thought they just didn't show up in mirrors. I think it's pictures, too. I think that, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Pictures. Probably. As a guy who wrote 31 Halloween jokes last month, I'm pretty well versed in vampire lore. Not once did you Google vampire. I Google vampires every day to try to see if there's any new facts I didn't know about them. Facts. Yeah.

You can have a fact about Harry Potter. It's a fact about a fiction. I don't know why I'm getting defensive about this. Another fun vampire fact, they can't go in someplace where they're not invited. So, I mean, they would have to get warrants. I think the vampire cops would actually be good. I just thought of this right now. That's actually, I hate how much this all comes together.

Well done. Yeah. All right. Oh, man. We've hit full madness. A man was arrested for his eighth DUI after fighting a police officer at an Outback Steakhouse. Oh, man. We hit a full madness. A man was arrested for his eighth DUI after fighting a police officer at an Outback steakhouse. This led to Outback's new slogan,

no rules, just right to remain silent. Is that about that? I'll take it off. Is that that Brooklyn song? What? I dare you to make that sound. Why do you guys do this? Do what?

You just feel bad about yourselves? Kind of, yeah. We make fun of each other. I'm just kidding. I'm not good at it. You've been doing better than all of us, probably. You guys are being nice. Yeah, sometimes we're really good at this.

And you also have been writing way more than I have. I only had to write five. Well, it goes well about 30% of the time. But you also have other things in your life. This is all I have. You have other things in your life? You think so? I have a joke.

You certainly don't. Speak for yourself. I got bitcoins on deck. I got the bitcoin and the jugs. I wrote a TV show about the devil with Keith. Okay. A Christian baker named Jack Phillips is being sued for not wanting to make a cake for a gay wedding. To be fair, the couple wanted the frosting to say,

My name is Jack Phillips and I love dick. I love cock just as much as I love God. That's a lot of space for a cake. I also like that it's just as much as I love God. They're even. I respect Barbara's strategy of poison the well and then do my worst joke of the day. Yeah. They're even. Yeah, yeah. I respect Barbara's strategy of poison the well and then do my worst joke of the day.

Right, right, right. After I've already... Oh, that's not the worst one. Oh, okay. Doctors had to surgically remove a man who used his wedding ring as a cock ring. The wife's embarrassment is so high

that the man is just relieved that when he married her, he convinced her to sign a pre-nut. What? No. No. No. I reject your statement. Here's the big question.

You guys think he had giant hands or a tiny... I was just thinking that. Yeah. I gotta think you're a tiny dick. I hope he had big hands. Yeah. Huge hands or small penis. Yeah, because of...

Even the biggest... Shaq's wedding ring is not a good cock ring for anybody, I don't think. I've tried it. It's not a good one. Didn't fit your cock? No, no, it didn't fit mine. Okay, I'm glad we're taking the humor here, guys.

I got more jokes about this kind of stuff. All right, everybody. North Korea has indicated it is willing to enter open talks with the United States to discuss their nuclear standoff. And defense officials

are interested in the proposal but worried that the president would subconsciously start talking in a korean accent you guys ever do that move a hundred percent yeah it's pretty but every time i talk to jason cheney i'm always just like oh shit yeah well i'll go down to the corner store and there's like an indian guy who works at our liquor store and we'll hang out and like talk and stuff and sometimes he'll be like i'll start drifting into the accent i'm like oh no no no that's a bad move. Yeah, I gotta go. Bye. I only do those British people. Yeah, well, that's okay.

Nobody has ever looked more British than you right now. Me? Well, you've got Harry Potter glasses, you're very pale, and you look judgmental of all of us. And I'm wearing a sweater in the middle when it's hot as fuck. Yeah, exactly. It's some British-ass stuff. I see it. Quentin Tarantino

is reportedly set to direct the new Star Trek film. He says he was drawn to the series because the plethora of alien races offer him a ton

of new options for weird feet to suck on. Yeah. I didn't know that. He's going to direct that? Yeah, I guess he's doing an R-rated Star Trek movie. All right.

Yeah, that's where we are now. I've never cared about Star Trek. I used to. I mean, I don't anymore, but it's just like, just let it be. Why does it have to keep being things? Oh, man. Just when I thought I finally had someone to talk about Star Trek with. Okay.

The last two are very bad. I'm just warning you. Some companies are dropping the open bar from their holiday parties this year due to fear of sexual harassment, which is going to make it even weirder when Bob from accounting holds the mistletoe over his crotch. Okay. I told you they were really bad.

It wasn't great, but I do applaud you for getting through it while also having a stroke. Yeah, yeah. I did. I was having some trouble. You're like, blah, blah, blah. I don't think I've ever kissed under the mistletoe. I've done it a couple times kissed under the mistletoe. I've done it a couple times and it feels so forced.

It was always like a girl was like, this is a fun thing we're doing. And I'm like, all right. Let's do it again with the pictures. I've never wanted to make out with a girl because a plant told her to do it. It's a fucking weird. No, a bird on the other hand. All right, honey, we saw a sparrow. That's a sign.

Just on her shoulder like a parrot. Now dip me. A London woman is claiming she has slept with over 20 ghosts and prefers them to men. Yes, girl. Get it. Get it. People are calling her a very talented medium while ghosts are calling her Whore Betty. Whore Betty? Not Betty the Whore. Whore Betty? I Betty the whore.

Whore Betty? I just like, okay. Sunday's on ABC. We don't call you Simpleton Tom. It's Tom the Simpleton. Yes, we do. We call Tom a lot of stuff. Whore Betty Tom.

It's funnier than Betty the whore. It kind of is, yeah. Did you read, like, what's the deal than Betty the whore. It kind of is, yeah. Did you read, like, what's the deal with her? Did you read about it? She's just like, it's much better to fuck ghosts. Yeah. Well, this is, like, apparently, like, a common thing within, like, the people who believe in ghosts community

where a bunch of them are just like, yeah, I've been getting railed by ghosts. I really, it's just a wet dream. Yeah, I get, well, how, ghosts... I think it's, like, the same people who marry buildings and stuff. They just... Yeah.

It's like nobody can prove you're full of shit. Right. You're also full of shit. AKA you're not getting laid. Oh, dude, I love...

You're just like super sad and horny. Yeah. Or the guy who got arrested for fucking a helicopter. Oh, yeah. Because he like

fucked cars and then he broke into an airport to fuck a helicopter. Is the helicopter like the BBW of like the car fucking i really think it is yeah like damn she got curves and blades all right guys and finally a judge has blocked

arkansas from issuing birth certificate the ruling has been upheld with the verdict saying if you live in arkansas are you really alive yeah take that i Third worst state. I loved Arkansas. That's where Tom threw out his back and a lady put CBD oil into his mouth. Yeah, directly via her thumb. That was very odd. Yeah, they smoked inside. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. That's the great thing about the South is you can just kind of light a cigarette anywhere.

Yeah. That's the only great thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty much that and Raising Cane's. I will say Lafayette and Fayetteville were pretty fucking awesome. It wasn't like those areas in Arkansas weren't – they were pretty liberal areas. I don't think I've ever been there.

Yeah, of course. They had the – We were in Fayetteville, right? I fucking hated Fayetteville. Was that the first or second one? The first one. See, I had a good set in Fayetteville. Well, yeah, because you buried me into the core

of the earth. Because you were at a biker bar where everyone had just few enough brain cells to be on the exact same wavelength as you the entire time. Hey, I'm that bar owner's favorite comedian, apparently. Yeah. And then I walked in after like, hey guys, and they're like, boo! Bring the barrel pants

man back. We want thebilly Joe. We want the bird talker. The bird whisperer. Alright, this one sucks. An artist is under fire for using characters from Disney's Zootopia to create anti-abortion comics. This is the worst

use of an overrated movie since 2010's Life Begins at Inception. Okay, I got you. That was a good job. That wasn't bad. 2010's Life Begins at Inception. Okay. Okay, I got you. That was a good job. That wasn't bad. All right. I hope you guys are ready for this one.

Here we go. Everybody's ready. I'm prepared. Wildfires are raging through Southern California. Authorities are not sure how they started, but some do suspect it was young Sheldon lighting a fart. I'm sorry. I just watched somebody quit comedy midway through a joke. The gleam in your eye

were like, well, I guess I'm getting a job at the bank. What the fuck? We could have held the show another five minutes. We don't have anywhere to go. What do you think young Sheldon is? I just was walking here. I'll tell you what he is. He's an arsonist. I needed one more. Young Sheldon is? I just was walking here. I'll tell you what he is. He's an arsonist. I needed one more.

Young Sheldon is not a retard lighting a fart. That's our show. I know. I couldn't think of anybody else. I was walking here and I was like, I need one more joke. It's going to be about the fire. And then I was just like, I'm just going for Young Sheldon. I was working on something about how there's one fire truck for every three houses

in Beverly Hills and that's like 20% of the state's fire trucks protecting like 80% of its pedophiles. But I couldn't get the word economy right. It's that. It's the thing you just said. I've never tried to light a fart on fire. I have. Oh, have I told this story on the air? Me and my buddy James had a whole day where we were lighting farts, right?

At what age was this? It was last week. I was probably like 15. 27. And old enough to have access to lighters. So we were up in my room. They're not hard to find. You know, when you're like 11,

it's kind of hard to get a lighter. And when you do, you've got to save it for your big fire projects or whatever. Not when your parents do heroin, it's not. No, that's a good point. Okay, all right, we get it. You're cooler than me. Yeah, agreed.

Continue. So we light a fart. I'm upstairs My mom is downstairs reading I've just been swallowing air and chugging Diet Cokes And eating burritos I'm like, you're preparing for this I'm doing what people do before a marathon I'm just all spaghetti and fucking creatine And so I finally get one I get down, I pull my pants down

My bare ass is out, James holds the lighter And I fart. And it's just like, bang. Like, it sounds like a starter's pistol. And then the room immediately smells like just burnt toast ass. And my mom, like, runs upstairs. So we open the window. We get the pillows.

We're trying to wave the smell out of the room. My mom bursts in. She's like, what the fuck is going on up here? And I was like, pillow fight. Start pillow fighting each other. And it, like like singed off all my butthole hairs yeah and that's honestly the only way i've ever found to effectively shave my butthole my uh my buddy my buddy when i was in boarding school john uh he's the same buddy who got a dui when he was 11 uh he tried to he tried to light his fart on fire. Severely burned the inside of his asshole.

Yeah, I think that's a common thing because it goes back in a little bit. If we get to that $1,000 Patreon goal by the end of Snart Week, I will light a fart on fire. Oh, hell yeah. See what my terrible joke inspired? Yeah.

It was all worth it. Absolutely. A woman has found that her boyfriend's testicles are the best way to apply her makeup. Her boyfriend says... What? What do you think he just said? He was trying to say way to apply.

Oh, sorry. Let me start over. A woman has found that her boyfriend's testicles are the best way to apply her makeup. Her boyfriend says that he enjoys it much more than other ways she's applied makeup, especially when she tried to put on lipstick by blowing the dog. Wow, you really went in a different direction with that. Yeah, Tom, it's like drunk boxing. You never know where the punches

are going to come from. It was okay. Needed more young Sheldon. Yeah, no, it's weird. I've never seen... That's weird that you had a joke about sucking a dog's dick. God damn it, no. Is there anybody we know that's had any experience? I'm not telling the dog fucking story again.

Well, I feel like now her interest is piqued. I mean, I haven't heard this. I dated a girl who her whole thing is she wanted to watch videos of a dog fucking a lady while we fucked. And I wasn't super into it, but we did it for a long time, and I had to do it. And then she was like, she wanted me to keep up with the dog while I fucked her. And that dog was in better shape than I was. Oh, my God. And it was weird and embarrassing.

We only did it a couple dozen times before I said absolutely never again. Did you end it? Like, is that really what happened? I feel like she did crazier shit. Yeah, no, we broke up because of communication issues. I could look past that. Well, yeah, we broke up for other reasons, mainly when she almost gave me hepatitis. But the dog thing was the big issue.

Oh, yeah, what happened with hepatitis and Yogurtland? Oh. They saw the guy who almost gave her hepatitis. None of this is a good story. Oh, okay. This is just sad. Yeah, the news story almost gave her hepatitis. None of this is a good story. Oh, okay. This is just sad. Yeah, the news story, it was very weird. I've never seen actual testicles on the news before,

but they actually have a warning, actual testicles, and then a photo. So they showed her using them? Yeah, they showed a photo of her with makeup on her forehead and the dude's balls and her like that. That's like kind of a cool feminist power move to just have a scrotum to like do your foundation with.

I feel like the lighting's gotta be... You need good lighting and he's like in the way. Well, that just means you're also just like your nose is right by a butthole

the whole time you're putting your makeup on. Well, yeah, I guess you said that it worked... No, not really. Not if he's up here. Yeah, what... I mean, that would be exactly...

Well, then you gotta hold your... Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was thinking he was facing oh I guess maybe he could be he's facing her yeah yeah you're right you guys we're gonna finish this off

we'll get to the bottom of it and we'll report back with our findings but she said that okay Tom trying to throw it a break but please continue she said that she didn't have to blend it more than once I didn't know what a blender was it was very confusing but it's just one dab with the makeup and then she doesn't have to blend it more than once. I didn't know what a blender was. It was very confusing. But it's just one dab with the makeup and then she doesn't have to retouch it up or something.

Yeah, a lot of times you have to spend a lot of time pushing it in there. She said direct ball-to-face contact. How did she discover this is what I wanted to know. That's a very good question. They actually put this in the article. There were a bunch of times where he just kind of put his balls on her forehead. Then she goes, you know what we should try? Let's add makeup to your balls. And then that's how

she found this out. New Shark Tank product. Damn. I'm sorry, Connor. Pass on that. I just hate Earth. We'll be right back after this. They seem like a cute couple, though. You're listening to NPR, Gentle Sounds for Sweatered Wieners.

Due to the recent firing of Garrison Keillor, NPR has been testing other radio personalities in his time slot. Please enjoy today's episode of Fartmeister and the Spaz. Good morning, America. You're listening to Fartmeister and the spaz good morning america you're listening to fartmeister and the spaz your favorite morning drive time masters of disaster we've come all the way from our home station wdng the dong in cleveland and now we're bringing the funny to your daily commute right here from npr that's right and it's been a heck of an adjustment period we got eight whole minutes into the show yesterday before we got pulled off the air for inciting mass waves of complaints.

A new record for Fartmeister in the spaz. Let's see if we can get to nine today. Congratulations to Helen Chung from Portland, Oregon. You were the 20th caller during the break, and you just scored yourself two. Count them two front row tickets to see David Sedaris, she and him, and Ira Glass at the Portland Public Library for the NPR Monsters of Tweet Tour this Saturday night. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

Ha ha. More like Ira Ass. Is that too much? Okay. Me so Sally. Oh, so. All right. Yeah, Grant, I got it.

Calm down. Fuck. All right. Coming up this hour, we got the Porn Star Hot Dog Bobbing Challenge. Spaz is going to give us the skinny on celebrities with the fattest dongs. And funny man Jim Norton joins us in studio to discuss his new Netflix special, 13 Reasons Why You Should Bang an Asian Tranny. And I'm getting word from the station manager that the porn stars are a no-go.

The dong thing is apparently 86 because of something called girth shaming, and Jim burst into flames like a vampire when he walked into the studio. Okay. Well, hey, folks, that's live radio for you. Tell you what, let's take a look at the news and see what those bozos in Washington are up to, huh, Spaz? All right, hey, Farmeister, get a load of this. Melania Trump tweeted about the Pearl Harbor anniversary, and she wrote the wrong date.

Ha ha, you asked me, the only wrong date she ever had was getting yanked out of that shipping crate to get dinner with the Donalds. Forget Pearl Harbor, I wouldn't mind giving her the old pearl necklace. And I'm getting word from the station manager that in the past 30 seconds we've received 10,000 phone calls and tweets. They're demanding that we apologize for that joke and be crucified in the quad at Berkeley. Uh, yeah. Hey, Farbmaster, let's take a look at the traffic and weather. Good idea. Don't see how that can get us yelled at.

Here at the NPR studio in Manhattan, the roads are really taking a pounding. Traffic's choked up all the way to the Brooklyn Tunnel, and that tunnel is packed tight. You, uh, you all right there, Spaz? Can't make sex joke. What is weather? 69 degrees. 69, dudes! Uh-oh, looks like the station manager is pissed again because apparently we control the sun. He's threatening to cut our mics and replace us with a rerun of Mike Birbiglia being gently amusing.

I can't take it anymore, Fartmeister. Everything we do gets us in trouble. We're not bad people, we're just trying to make people laugh. Spaz, when you're right, you're right. My great-grandfather, Artemis Fartmeister, didn't come to this country from butthole Slovakia to see me get pushed around by fear and cowardice. Block the door, we're taking back the show. Hold on to your gender-neutral tampons, NPR, because Fartmeister and the Spaz are live, unchained, and ready to get b-b-b-b-b-b-b-dasty. That's right. Hey, Fartmeister, what's Kim Jong Unbangable up to? Hey, they're saying he can launch a missile into America any day now. I wouldn't mind launching a missile into Miss America, I'll tell you that.

Ha ha. Spaz and I went to Korea during our last hiatus, and we found out why they call it Bangkok. Bangkok isn't in Korea. We don't care. They're going to cut the signal soon. Listening audience, we don't have much time. Don't be afraid of stupid comedy. Reject fear.

Reject shame. If we don't have dumb offensive jokes, only the other side does. And farts are louder than bombs. It's been an honor serving with you, Spaz. Honor? I'd rather finish inner. Let's go down swinging, Fartmeister. Did you hear about that Muslim porn star? Yeah, she

made me want to join the nation of Jizlam. And how about that Kim Jong-un fella? You can tell which nuke is his because it's the one with its blinker on for 300 miles. Jay-Z admitted to cheating on Beyonce. Is he Pinocchio? Because it looks like every time he lied, his nose got bigger. You hear Roy Moore banged a 14-year-old in

Alabama? Yeah, in at his defense that's 53 in cheap year resist resist the revolution will be smell of eyes and the mean boys podcast is back we're gonna play another round of one of our favorite games you be the judge uh i went through the news found some weird dumb crimes that have taken place we have to come up with a fair punishment for these people because the justice system is a lie. Number one, a man broke into a mosque in Florida and vandalized it, leaving behind a slab of raw

bacon. That's the thing this guy started with. I have a theory. I think maybe the Muslim religion just said they hated bacon so that people would throw bacon at them because bacon is great and it was all a quick trick around. He did other stuff but then left behind the bacon? great and it was all like a quick trick around. Yeah. So he did other stuff but then left behind the bacon?

Yeah, he did other stuff and then the bacon was like the last, like, fuck you. He was like, you guys hate this. For the listeners, Keith Carey hates dog fucking videos. Yeah, I hate him. He's not a fan.

Don't send me dog fucking videos. Actually, don't do that. Please don't do that because I'll probably get tagged in them too and I don't want to. I'm very, very squeamish. I'm bringing you down with me, son. Yeah, I saw a story about how refugees,

Muslim refugees, were trying to get into England and they're just jumping on the back of these trucks. So they just started tying ham to the trucks. In like this weird kind of like garlic with vampire. Yeah. More vampire. You just wanted to get the vampire references. I mean, it's what is more appropriate.

I dare you to think of something. No, you're right. That is, yeah, God. Yeah, which is, I mean, kind of smart, pretty evil, you know. Yeah. I think there's no more bacon for that guy. He can never have bacon. Never have any pork product ever again.

If you don't want to escape more than you hate loose meat, I don't know if you really want to escape. Yeah, but they have beliefs or something. Or whatever. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of beliefs, but I think I mean, I'm trying to think. Barbara, texting her publicist under the table

right now. I will never do this show. The dog sex was fine, but when we got to the loose meat. I mean, speaking of, well, no, you go with yours. No, I'm still thinking. I was stalling trying to think of something funny. I guess I would say...

I was going to say they have to fuck a pig, but they have to get fucked by a pig, I think. Oh, they got a bottom for a pig? Yeah. Oh, we're doing some black bear shit? Yeah, exactly.

I do like if someone throws pork into somewhere in an all-Muslim country, they have to get a guy in an E.T. hazmat suit to come get it out. Well, here's what I think. So this is a guy from Florida who hates Muslims, so he threw a thing in their place that they hate. So what does a guy in an E.T. hazmat suit to come get it out. Well, here's what I think. So this is a guy from Florida who hates Muslims,

so he threw a thing in their place that they hate. So what does a guy from Florida hate that you could just poison his house with? Women's rights. Yeah, women's rights. I think like a pride parade would be. Just dye a picture of a gay marriage to a brick and throw it through his window.

Exactly. All right, I like that. Oh, I got it. We threw a book at him. Boom. Done. I think we could do like a carton of cigarettes situation where he asks you to eat a whole pig worth of bacon.

Raw. Yeah, raw. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm going to make you fuck a whole pack of dogs. It's gross. All right. The show has been going for 35 minutes.

Number two, a Scotland woman attempted to get her boyfriend to agree to a threesome. When he declined, she responded by biting off his left testicle. Ooh. Well, she can't wear makeup anymore. No more makeup ever again. When that whole riff started, I got so excited. I was like, here we go. You can only make up half her face, like two face.

Yeah, just straight up bit off the left nut. Don't worry, he's alright. Did she eat it? What? Did she eat it? No. Did she spit or swallow? Oh. God. That would be funny. I need to choke on the ball.

Yeah, that would be the best part. No, yeah, she spit it out. Yeah. I mean, is it too harsh to make her eat it? What guy is saying no to a threesome i guess it happens but yeah yeah and i mean i it didn't specify who the other person and the reason was but i guarantee you that's the it was yeah does it remind me of that scene in tank girl where she bites the guy's dick off i don't remember that you've made several references to the movie tank girl barbara you have to have seen tank nobody has seen tank was it okay i don't know what Tank Girl is.

Every time you say it, I think of Sharkboy and Lava Girl or whatever the fuck it's called. It's called Tank Girl. What do you think Tank Girl is? I just told you. I thought it was Sharkboy and Lava Girl for a long time. I don't know why you thought there would be a difference. It's about a girl with a tank.

And Ice-T is a kangaroo. You bite off a test. I think we a girl with a tank. It's about a girl with a tank, yeah. Okay. And Ice-T is a kangaroo. Okay. Interesting. You bite off a test. I think we've got to turn her vagina into jewelry. I think that's it. Don't turn the ball into jewelry? She has to wear, like, kind of a talisman, you know?

Oh, that's some, like, Amazonian princess shit, where it's like, ah, I've got this man's, you know. But I think it's like a Scarlet A. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, we know what you did. It's a curse, sort of. Yeah, it's the ball chomper. Maybe, like, a tattoo of his testicle on her forehead. Or, like a Scarlet A. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, we know what you did. It's a curse, sort of. Yeah, it's the ball chomper. Maybe like a tattoo of his testicle on her forehead.

Or like under her eye, like a gang member who killed somebody. Yeah, yeah. There's just more testicles accumulating down her cheek. Or maybe just like we tattoo like a frat party dick sharpie thing on her face. You know? Okay, the Scarlet A. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm sure that's an equivalent punishment.

It's the same punishment people give to people who fall asleep at a party. But maybe – Well, forever? Come on. Tattooed? Yeah. Yeah. And she already can't use makeup to cover it up.

So I mean – It's funny to think of one ball drawn because like what does that even look like? It's just like a semicircle. I don't really know. It's just like one dimple. Yeah. It's real weird. Well, you got to get like a real artist who can do like, you know.

So we're talking like an anatomically correct ball. Like different sized and curves to the pubic hair. This is like the deferens like coming out. Just knowing. Sorry. Somebody talk. I'm just wondering when she, what happened? If she was going down on him and she asked and he said no.

Or she like pushed him over. From what I gathered from the thing, it's what Tom said. It was kind of like they were all sort of naked. And then she was just like, yeah, let's fuck this other person. He was like, no. And she's like, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I don't even know if the other person was there. Like just knowing that this happened. Every time I see someone like break off a hunk of beef jerky, I start fucking cringing. If you're the kind of person who's dating a lady who's gonna bite a ball off Just agree to the threesome Just take the hit on this Pay the ransom and leave I generally don't try to avoid getting into any big fights while I'm nude Yeah it never goes well

It just ends up like Borat or whatever I got a Harry Potter book thrown at me while I was naked one time It was the dog fucking lady We got in a big argument We had broken up I was sleeping on the couch and then she just decided to throw the seventh Harry Potter book at my neck. The seventh? She sounds like she's got a good arm.

I mean, she had big ones, but they weren't exactly good. Well, how far away were you? I think I can call this dog fucking abuse a kind of fat. I think that's okay. I feel fine about that. Oh, yeah. the order that she would make Keith get from Burger King was

two Whoppers, extra mayo. Which is more upsetting than the test of abiding. Was that for lube? Oh god. Pulling sesame seeds out of her pubes. Yeah, I think the necklace is a good or the tattoo. Keith is laying in the bed covered in rose petals.

He's got peanut butter on his dick. You know what I think is more fair? They've got to take out her teeth. If she's willing to face the current charges. If you're a felon who commits a gun crime, you're not allowed to buy a gun anymore. Yeah.

If you're a pedophile, they chemically castrate you. Yeah, she's got to fucking, yeah, eat jello for the rest of her life or whatever. She's got no more teeth. Enjoy soup, nut chomper. Yeah. Number three, a Connecticut man. All right, champ. I'm just embarrassed.

At least just the front ones. Maybe she has like the three of the best. Is that the name of this episode? Enjoy soup, nut chomper? It very well might be. We'll top it a Connecticut man was charged with having sex with his girlfriend after she had already died of

a heroin overdose oh my god also how did they find out what because he it's an insane story so like he so she was that she died like she OD'd and he woke up from what he was on heroin till and he's like shook her and he's like I think she might be dead and I swear to god this is in the thing he's like well she always hated having sex with me so I'm gonna have sex with her and then she'll be like oh get out of here like she'll hate it so much she'll reject that's his version well the way he got like the way they proved he didn't like like that it was after after death is, like, he tied her up, like, when they were doing it.

Oh, now you can tell. But, like, she didn't bruise right because she didn't have blood moving anymore because she'd been dead for, like, a hot minute. I guess a cold minute. Wait, he tied her. But that doesn't make sense then because if he wanted her to wake up and hate it, why would he tie her? I've got to be honest with you. I don't know how logical this plan was. He just wanted to fuck a corpse.

God. I think he should go away. I don't know. I don't know how logical this plan was. He just wanted to fuck a corpse. God. I think he should go away. I don't know. I don't have a solution. I think we make him withdraw from heroin. Then we get him re-addicted to heroin. He has to withdraw from it again forever. Yeah.

Kind of in the thing where the maggots eat your bones in hell and then your skin grows back so they can eat you again. Yeah, that's a good one. He's got to keep kicking dope for the next 30 years. Yeah, my grandma described watching someone withdraw from heroin in the late 50s in Alaska when she was in boarding school. She said it was the most upsetting thing she'd ever seen. Yeah, you ever see

that movie The Exorcist where the lady's just spinning around and just crawling on the ceiling? It's basically that. I like how you said that movie The Exorcist. I haven't seen that movie The Exorcist. You've never seen any movie. You've never seen that movie Star Wars? He's only seen Tank Girl. The only movies Connor has ever

talked about that he's actually seen are Tank Girl and Cube 2 Hypercube. Also Exit Through the Gift Shop I've seen about 12 times. I'm pretty close to cracking whether or not Mr. Brainwash is Banksy. Just three or four more viewings and I'll have my... No, he's not Banksy. I know, I'm kidding. Okay, good. Everybody knows that.

Tom is Banksy. We're going to find that out eventually. Yeah, yeah. I draw rabbits and shit, but I think that... He's more known for rats. He's probably drawn a rabbit once in his career, but that's not like his big thing. I think, to tag on to what Connor said, I do think every time he's waking up from heroin from now on, we got to get a big, giant man

to fuck him to see if he's awake. I think that's more than fair. It's an alarm clock? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's... You know. Okay, everybody needs to stop groaning at me, okay?

No. I am doing the best. You're doing great. I like groaning. I am playing near my God to thee on the Titanic that is this show. Okay, so fucking everybody cut me some slack.

I'll cello with you. Yeah. Well, that's it for You Be the Judge. Oh, cool. We'll be right back with a game that has less of that. Nope. The Main Boat's podcast is brought to you by Studio Headphones. And me and Tom are in studios and Keith isn't.

And that's why... We're better than him. It makes it hard to respect him. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. What a weird... No, studios are great. And look, he lost the cord to his studios, which is a big problem.

Yeah. Because it's the best cord ever. It doesn't tangle. And they're so hard to lose. Yeah. Which means he must be really, really dumb. Yeah. See, I am a big stupid dipshit, so I am unworthy of studios.

But you, the listener, are a great person. I bet your hair smells nice, and you deserve Swedish efficiency. And you should put some headphones on top of them. Yeah. And enjoy their efficient Bluetooth battery life. Yeah. Their delicious sound quality. Yeah.

Become better than Keith. Get studio. Their comfortable fit. Their noise cancellation effects. Jump this low bar. Yeah. Into whatever the Flavortown equivalent for audio would be. My name is the Headphones Monster, and I'm just here to...

Nope, nope. Oh, Mr. Ear here. Hey, fuck everyone. We're not introducing any more promotional characters. Mean Boys 15 is a promo code on studiosweden.com, and get it for the holidays. It's a great Christmas gift. Yeah, it really is. And you can save yourself some cash and help us out quite a bit.

So, studio. Yeah. Headphones. Look sexy and Swedish as fuck. We're these babies. Yeah. Slip that noise. Tom waits until we're wrapping up the plug to jump in and say nothing.

Yeah, but you know where you can hear a lot with these studio headphones. Oh, there it is. Shut up, Tom. Hey, and welcome back to the Mean Boys Podcast. So we're going to close it out with the game we always close out with, also known as our favorite game, Which of the Following? Sure. This is why we don't let Tom drive the show.

Oh, yeah, or yes. So for this Witch of the Following, I am newly single, and when that happened, I downloaded Tinder and then deleted it within 30 seconds because I forgot what a fucking nightmare that was. And then I redownloaded it thinking, oh, wow, there is some great Mean Boys content on this app, website, whatever the fuck it's called. It's just being rejected for your amusement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I've done is I've just taken excerpts of some people's bios on Tinder, and that

is our Witch of the Fall. I feel like I did a bad job explaining this. No, you did a great job. Wait, but what happened? I don't know how the game works. Oh, that part. I was going to get there. So there's going to be three real things and one fake thing within that category.

You're going to have to pick the fake thing. Three of them are real. One of them Tom made up. I've always wanted to make a Tumblr of just people's LACMA pictures on Tinder. Because when I was on Tinder, I just screen capped those and I had like 45 from casual swiping. Yeah, I want to see who's winning. The stupid LACMA lights or the picture of the wings. The wings is on.

Yeah. What's the dude hack version?achmalites or the picture of the wings. The wings is on. Yeah. What's the dude hack version? Because I feel like the gay version is separate. But what's the straight dude Lachmalites? I mean, there are definitely a lot of tigers.

That's the same thing. What? Dead tigers? No, no, no. You're matching with the Trump family? It's people in, I don't know,

a fucking wildlife reserve or something next to a sedated tiger. Hey, this, I don't know, a fucking wildlife reserve or something next to a, you know, sedated tiger. Hey, this is my buddy Bryce. He gave me some great advice on fucking. Yeah. You gotta keep your stripes on the prize. A lot of boat pics. Boat pics. All guys on boats.

What is a picture that you like to see? What's like a good... Because I feel like a guy with kids is good. You know, that's cute. I mean, a guy with like a puppy or something, I guess, is good. I don't know. I just want to see what they actually fucking look like. That's all I care about.

Yeah. It's like the deceptive pictures are always the weird ones. Let's just see what we're... I was talking to this guy yesterday. He only had two pictures. I was like, I think he's cute. I can't tell. And then I was like, why don't you send me some more?

And he did. And he was like, I don't have a lot of pictures. And I was like, you have a fucking phone. Take a picture. You can generate pictures right now. i don't have a lot of pictures and i was like you have a fucking phone take a picture you can generate pictures right now like there's you don't have to wait for them to develop yeah like for me like having my photo taken or having sex i need like 72 hours notice because i'm just like i i gotta start like i gotta get a clean pillowcase and get my complexion right whenever i was in one of the situations like somebody picking you right now i'm like oh god i'm so bad at this i'm like like, I never find the right... You don't have some in the reserve. Come on.

I guess, yeah, but I mean... You got your backup file. They're going to show up with a different haircut, you know? Yeah, I think you'll live. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so let's get into this thing. Yeah, okay, and just to clarify, I weaned out the ones that I thought were fake. Not what weaned means, but go ahead.

Sure, thank you. All right. You're thinking of weeded? Oh, yes, yes, weeded. All right. Round one, self-description round. A. Which of the following is not real? Yeah, which of the following is not real?

A. I always mostly look like a purple grape. B. I could put another ass on my ass. But, Tom, you told us you fucked the grimace, so this is actually a lot easier. C. Body under major construction. D, BBW slash big black wombo. Wombo? Wombo? That's a SpongeBob thing.

Is it? Yeah, because there's M for mini, W for wombo to make you bigger. I could put another butt on my butt is definitely something a Tinder gal would say. Yes, for sure. That body under major construction. That's like a pre-op thing, maybe. It's either a pre-op or keto. It's one of the two.

Yeah, that is somebody who is over-committing to a gym membership they're not going to use. That's what that is. That's a weird promise to be like, I promise this body will be different soon. Get it on the ground floor. Buy low, sell hot. It's like Bitcoin.

Buttock coin. She's got like a 1999 Web 1.0 gif of construction workers on the page, tattooed on her lower back. I love those. My favorite thing about GeoCities is the under construction page. I think the last one, which is so weird, makes no sense.

Big Black Wumbo. Well, Tom, what does Tom think Wumbo means? Because we've learned he doesn't know definitions. He's like, oh, yeah, I thought that was the burger place that we went to in Oklahoma. Wumbo Burger. Yeah, I think I'm worried because I feel like that last one is real, but I definitely don't think a black person wrote it. I think that's definitely some weird, ironic

white lady. What was A again? The grape one. Yeah, I always mostly look like a purple grape. I'm going to say I could put another ass on my ass. Okay. That's the fake one. And what was the other? I'm sorry. I said the fourth one.

What was the other one? B was I could put another ass on my ass. C was body under major construction. I'm going to go C. C? The correct answer was B. I could put another ass on my ass. Y'all got one vote.

You could write a Tinder profile for a lady very easily. I could put another ass on my ass. Can I put a gut on your butt? Watching Tom try to write his own Tinder profile was amazing. Pacing and smoking in pajamas and a leather jacket.

How about this? I like the pixies and I eat pussy. That's not right. Yeah, I'm friends with most skunks. Do you want to get fucked near a basement? I'm not scary in real life. I have several friends that can prove it. Yeah, my dick won't kidnap you.

I can shave, just not right now. I'm waiting for my direct deposit to hit. The body under major construction, you guys were 100% accurate. It was an obese... Yeah, and then Big Black Wumbo was a black girl. A Big Black Wumbo. Yeah. It sounds so racist, but I can't place why.

Yeah, she was a big, bald black girl. Bald? Yep. Neat. Okay, let's go reenact yourself a Borat scene, my dude. Yeah, Wumbo is pretty much just a SpongeBob thing. So Urban Dictionary of Wumbo is, yeah, the opposite of Minnie. Direct definition from SpongeBob SquarePants Season 3, Episode 1,

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy 4. Oh, good episode. Yeah. I didn't realize you were googling that for a second and i was really upset that you didn't knew that yeah as the moderator of the spongebob wikia tom can you please read your tinder bio please no maybe later okay all right round two animal round oh uh a i don't want to touch your dick. I have a shrimp allergy. Dot, dot, dot. Trans girls need loving too.

That's pretty awesome. That is baller as fuck. That's very funny is what that is. B. Traveling the world with my home skillet pet camel. C. Not looking to have you ruin my Kanga pouch. D. Obviously I got buns because the anaconda in my pic wanted some Okay So that's a picture of a girl at the zoo If a human being referred to their own vagina

As a Kanga pouch I can't sleep tonight Oh man Even an Australian woman That's no good That's not good for anybody That's like if I called my shit an elephant trunk Yeah

I was thinking her stomach And she was like You're not going to get me pregnant for anybody. That's like, yeah. That's like if I called my shit an elephant trunk. Yeah, well, it would be false. I was thinking her, like, stomach, and she was like, you're not going to get me pregnant. I had a whole other thought about this. Oh, I guess that...

I don't think that's what that means, or it might be fake, but... Yeah. I'm going to look up Kanga Pouch. That wouldn't. Wait, what are the

second two? I'll read them all again real quick. A, I don't want to touch your dick. I have a shrimp allergy. That's real, and that's power. Trans girl needs love your dick. I have a shrimp allergy. That's real. And that's power.

Trans girl needs love and two. I kind of want to party with this lady. B, traveling the world with my home skillet pet camel. C, not looking to have your rue in my Kanga pouch. D, obviously I got buns because the anaconda in my pick wanted some. I'm going to go B. B? Yeah.

I'm going to say C because the Kanga pouch seems like some bullshit you would say. I'm going to say B because I hope to God nobody's saying home skillet anymore in 2017. You've been on Tinder. You know they are. Everyone's still so lame. No one is ever cool. My name is Alicia Soros. This is my Kanga pouch.

Correct answer. Keith Carey, 2-0. Wow. It was C. Yeah, Kanga Pouch was not real. Round three. Kanga Pouch is actually called a down-fill baby sleep sack. It's like a product.

You put a little baby in it like that. Oh, it's like a... I don't think Tom knew that. Would it be weird to reference a dick because you carry the dick around after and it grows. I don't know. That's kind of a cool thing. You wear it on your neck with the ball tattoos. I'll butt off your dick and put it in my Kanga patch.

I don't need them. I don't know if I'm into this or not. All right, round three. All random body part round. A, it's a real glass. You can't talk about random body parts. All random body part round. I'll take what's in glass eye. You can't talk about random body parts and look the way you do. Oh, random body part round. I'll take what's in Tom's

jug for a thousand. Okay. A. It's a real glass eye. Skiing accident. Please don't ask about it. Prayer emoji. Oh my fuck. If you wrote that, you're a genius. B. It's a real glass eye.

What did they think it was? B. I want these plastic glass eyes. It's not a marble. I didn't get it for a quarter at the grocery store. It's a bouncy ball. It's popping in the back of the head watching it go down the street.

B. Disclaimer. Kind of chunky. Missing a toe. Wow. Beautiful. Lost a little weight. Yeah.

C. Vegetarian I have one lung Yes it's a real thing Thumbs up emoji Dot dot dot I punch walls in my sleep This is Tom's medical charts How many did you go through

To get these? I went through One thing Before my thing ran out Did you swipe right On all of them? Is that what guys do? I did No no no I swip you swipe right on all of them? Is that what guys do?

No, no, no. I swiped right on all the ones that... If they're in this game, I swipe right on them. We're going to get to that later. You have to swipe right on everybody. It's the only way it works as a dude on Tinder. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. Hang on. D, 4-9. 4-9, I do stuff any capable adult can do. Money emoji. 4-9. Oh, she's 4-9 4-9 I do stuff any capable adult can do money emoji 4-9 what body part is that do you think money is a body part

yeah I don't know it's her whole body was the body part oh you know what I just thought of strippers also keep their money in jugs am I right guys put it in between them sometimes at the place? I'm going to say the toe one.

Toe one. What were B and C again? B was disclaimer, all caps, kind of chunky, missing a toe. And C was vegetarian. I have one lung. Yes, it's a real thing. Thumbs up emoji. I punch walls in my sleep.

I think it's A, the glass eye one. A? I vote B. B? Keith Carey's still perfect. It was A. The glass eye one. You're a genius, dude.

The glass eye was great. That was very good. The skiing accent was a nice touch. Thank you. Thank you. There's two things I know. It's bad dating apps and physical deformities. Tom, if you're this good at making fake dating profiles, you have a promising future getting

people to sign up for Kik. All right. just good at making fake dating profiles. You have a promising future getting people to sign up for Kik. Alright. Round four. I don't know what you want round. A. All caps. Mono Eyes. Then followed by a bunch of writing in Chinese.

Then in English in all caps. The No Muslims. The No Muslims. The no Muslims. B. The no Muslims. The no Muslims. Great band. B. Likes green ghouls,

dislikes knees. C. My mom's forcing me to date. D. Would prefer someone with no family. The last one is you. Yeah. Tom has only dated one girl with a living father.

Yeah. We're talking like an orphan situation? That's what they want? Well, they're adults. Yeah, I think it's D. Maybe this person just hates Thanksgiving food, because I can kind of relate to that. You hate Thanksgiving food? No, I don't eat anything on Thanksgiving.

You're a monster. All I ate was turkey and M&M's. What? You eat the worst thing, turkey. Yeah, I don't like stuffing or anything. Fuck both of you. We both suck. It's fine, but it's not the best part.

It's good in conjunction with all the other good shit. I'm going to say my mom's forcing me to date. Okay. I don't think mom's wanting to be on Tinder. Family. D. Keith Carey's still perfect. It was D.

Great. Wow. Yeah. What the fuck was the first one? Oh, it was just some Chinese girl who did not like Muslims, apparently. Sort of

zero-sum racism. I'm like, alright, I think you guys are allowed to fight it out amongst yourselves. White people just sit back and let y'all alien versus predator this shit. I think if you've had it, like, for every hundred years your people have had it hard, you can pick one prejudice. It's like leveling up in a video game.

So I have negative 20 for 2,000 years of non-stop crushing it. But, you know, if you're black, you can, like, distrust Koreans. You know, you get to pick a few. Yeah. Alright. So, final round. All real or all fake? A. Once drank a full bottle of Fireball and cried fully dressed in a bathtub. All real or all fake? A. Once drank a full bottle of Fireball and cried fully dressed

in a bathtub. All real. I'm already going to guess. That's 90% of them. B. Humans are just complicated plants. C. We'll eat your ass for rice. D. Wait. D. Looking for a guy I can

fart in front of. Wind emoji. Talk to the ass rice guy. I feel like they'd get along. You can just get rice. Rice is one of the most abundant resources on earth. It's super cheap. Yeah, this is a weird prostitution move. You could buy a lot of rice for less than the bus fare to go eat that dude's ass.

Assume if you're doing this, you're taking a bus. Maybe that's a lyric. He's the guy who has taken a bus to eat ass many times. In the past 24 hours, yes. We're taking the blue line to the brown line. Boom! 50 minutes, I finally did something funny. Oh, man.

Yeah, they're all real. The fireball one gives it away. Yeah, I'm saying all real. Yeah, all real. they're all real. The fireball one gives it away. Yeah, I'm saying all real. Yeah, all real. They were all real. I know that that was that common to find on Tinder. Here's a question. Did you message any of these people?

Okay, so actually, I have a bonus round. Oh, shit. Every single one of the people whose profiles I mentioned, I liked them. Okay. How many people out of them did I match with? Two. I'm going to say hard zero. Two, hard zero.

Three. Three. Keith Carey bets completely. Undefeated. Wow. One hundred percent. It feels so good. None of them matched. None of them matter to you?

None of them. I thought for sure that no Muslims would like me or something. You do look like you hate Muslims. Yeah, you're a gentle, caring man, but you do look like you'd be like, get him out of here. I look very menacing for some reason. Yeah, I can't believe they didn't want to do it. I've got to see this profile. Yeah, FalconMaster69.

I have stream caps of some of them. Let me see. No, yours. I want to see what you're fucking up here. Yeah, I've only gone on... How many Tinder dates? I think his profile is actually pretty decent. We punched it up a little bit.

It's like a writing packet. We gave him some lines. Here's the other thing. I'm genuinely not seriously looking for... It's become more... Yeah, if you don't care, then... I really do not. I went on one Tinder date, and we had sex,

and then I retired undefeated. That was my move. Tinder is bad. I'm just not good at... I don't want to pretend to be interested in people. It feels mean. I'm just kind of a grumpy guy. It's not like I hate dating.

OkCupid works great and Grindr, but Tinder, no good. They're all a waking nightmare and I hate all of them. I think online dating is fucking retarded, but it's a good thing to just occupy my brain with while I'm trying

not to think of my ex. Tom's waiting for the other people. I got so sad so fast. It's a great distraction. That's really... One, I don't want to date anybody right now so it's you know we know what you're doing

I don't have one of them fuck me faces I'm not a help us clear this up you don't have to speak for yourself personally we've been trying to explain to Tom that he's a relatively attractive dude he is okay good a woman has said that she can stop yelling at us that we're liars as Keith said about you guys being a little chunky, it's like you're not

in high school anymore. Yeah. You know? Yeah, the fact that I think- Winter is coming. No, no, no. That does not apply. You've got like two good months of like snuggle, like, you know, like escrow that you can,

you know? Yeah, you're a blanket with a dick. Just snuggle escrow. Well, yeah, you got two months to sell people a bill of goods and then realize that it comes springtime that they've made a horrible mistake based on their lack of central air. Yeah. No. So you're going to read us your profile, right?

It's not funny. I doubt that very much. Jill's here. I don't want to hear it. All right. You know what I think the biggest problem is? And, Barbara, do you have any advice for him? Because we've looked over this.

I don't need it. I'm not. Now that I've made this game, I'm only going to really spend time on here to make another game. I don't fucking. You know what I think the biggest problem is? I've got one thing going for me. I'm a comedian. And if you Google comedian, it's just all stories of like Louis C.K. jerking off.

Like my ex picked the worst time to break up with me in the history of comedy. What do you mean if you Google comedian, like someone's going to be like, what is that? Well, Tom, your comedian stock is down. Teach me about your laugh words. Your winter fat guy stock is up. You're averaging out to even.

You're doing better than I am in Bitcoin. Yeah, once again, I'm not looking to actually find any, you know. That must be Bitcoin. Yeah, once again, I'm not looking to actually find any, you know. That must be nice. Yeah. Oh, man, everybody's just getting real cold and sad. Me, Keith, and Barbara just poured glasses of red wine for ourselves. Yeah, well, fucking relationship magoo over here is fine.

You guys actually wrote most of this. I'm a comedian. I'm pretty relaxed despite how I look. That's a good line. Big hockey and movie fan. Music wife. Love the pixies. Modest mouse and Tom Waits. Swans are sexy geese.

And then this thing just... Oh, it just froze. And then I think the last line is... I don't remember. I won't hurt your dog. Yeah. Just don't pet me the wrong way and I'll be fine. Oh, and then

I referenced the last show was for a charity and that's the one where I'm chained up. Yeah. That sounds pretty good. We had a dating coach on my show recently and she said that one thing was to leave something. Well, A, put something you're looking for, which you're not, like you said, you're not really looking for.

Yeah, looking for hilarious Tinder bios for this game I'm making about you. Looking to exploit your Tinder bios. Yeah. Looking to capitalize on your loneliness. For my thousands of listeners. What? That's good to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's something they can engage with, to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something you're, you know, something they can, like, engage with, I guess. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, but I, yeah, it's, I'm probably... Engage with.

I mean, I think I'll turn off every man in Los Angeles if I use that word. Am I right, guys? Jesus Christ. Mean Boys will be right back. Yeah, I'm deleting this shit, probably.

I hope you mean the episode. Oh, I don't like it when my peanut butter mixes with my bananas. Yes, and I don't like it when my gorilla becomes the Archduke of Dukesville. Yes, and you should have thought of that before you upset the Moth King. Yeah, and I'm still in space. Too bad for you guys to do a good job keeping their bananas and peanut butter separate in space. Yes, and scene.

Well, ImprovShimProv has one more scene we'd like to do. So can we get a suggestion, please? Something that could be happening right now. Hey, hands up, everybody. This is a fucking robbery. Okay, great. A robbery. Now can we get a location? Get on the ground or everyone at this show dies. Okay, great. This show. John, quick get a location? Get on the ground or everyone at this show dies.

Okay, great. This show. John, quick, get under the table. There's a robbery at this show. Yes, and I don't think they'll be able to see us underneath this table made of money. You two, I'm serious. Give me your money or I will shoot you. Yes, and I'm opening the cash register right now.

Cha-ching! You guys think this is a fucking game? Your friend's fucking dead. Everybody give me your money. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I thought you were Tiffany and Samantha. Shut the fuck up and hand me your wallet.

Now, my buddy here has his eyes on you, audience. Keep your hands up, and we won't cut him off. There. Now, I got your wallet. If you move, I'll blow your brains out over your friend's corpse. Okay. Yes, and I got your wallet. If you move, I'll blow your brains out over your friend's corpse. Okay. Yes, and I got all their wallets in the back. Ron, what are you doing?

I got the front. Wait a second, who are you? Wait a second, who are you? I'm with you. Who's this guy? This is Big R. Yes, and I'm Scratchy. You can't be Scratchy. Scratchy's been dead for 20 years. Yes, and he faked his death

to avoid the feds and has been waiting to rejoin your sense. You escaped the feds? You've been alive this whole time? Yes, and I've been eating sewer rats and squatting in a blind woman's apartment for years. You ate sewer rats? Yes, and most of them were infected with

gonorrhea. Fuck, Scratchy, how could this be you? I mean, I looked everywhere for you. Yes, and of course you did. You betrayed me to the feds and got me killed in the first place. Is he serious? You sold them out to the fucking feds? Yes, and he thought he could get away with it too. Yes, and you couldn't. Scratchy, that's really you, isn't it? Yes, and I missed you. I can't believe it's really you isn't it yes and i missed you i can't believe it's really you yes and i love you yes and but you moved on without me no one moves on and lives yes and seen all right guys well that was our show uh let me go ahead and pull this mask off uh you saved us you saved all of us.

My God, how did you do it? All you need to be good at improv is just yes and peep and holy fucking shit. Those are brains. That was real. Improv. It's for lucky idiots. Oh, boy. It's Christmas, and we're about to talk about Mexican food.

I wonder who's going to show up. Oh, man. I love Christmas and Mexican food. You know who knows a to show up. Oh, man. I love Christmas and Mexican food. You know who knows a lot about that? Most Mexicans? Mr. Ear? No, no. Office of Money?

No, no, no. Office of Money knows quite a bit. You know what? We don't even need to bring in another spokesperson. Oh, no. I said Office of Money is running this town. Money is no good here. Yes, it is.

It's a business that we're promoting, you dumb idiot. Not for me, though. I'm going to do some laundry. I'll be right back. Yes, it is. It's a business that we're promoting, you dumb idiot. Not for me, though. I'm going to do some laundry. I'll be right back. Alright, cool. Oh, I love the only thing money is good for in my world is giving it to Don Carlos for delicious burritos in

exchange. That's where I was going with this, yes. Bring your holiday cheer to the children or adults if you don't have children or make some children to give burritos to. So Burrito Santa's MO is get a lady pregnant and go buy her tacos. Correct. It's not very efficient family planning, but I don't want to tell you to live your life. Mrs. Claus always craved Don Carlos burritos until the miscarriage.

But she still eats the burritos in her grief. If you're grieving the death of a child, why not Don Carlos? Don't go shopping all the way to California. Or if you just want to cheer up your spicy day with a delicious California burrito. Tom, everything you're saying means nothing. Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. The best Mexican food money can buy. Conveniently located next to the La Jolla Comedy Store.

Go to eataborrito.com. My favorite website. For more information. Eddie, it's me, the taco monster. Did I miss anything? Oh, no. Weird that you weren't here all week when we could have used you to curtail this. Yeah, that's crazy.

Okay, goodbye. Oh, I'm still here. Shut the fuck up, fat man. Go to Don Carlos. Ho, ho, ho. Don't let that end! Tom, you gotta stop doing that like you legitimately need to stop doing that and the main voice podcast returns close to the show with some of your uh your questions your

voicemails etc uh got a couple of these and uh they do a predictive text feature for the the google voice app and uh they all look like insane nonsense which means that we are hopefully uh in store for some good listening so let's's hear what this caller has to say. God damn it. What the fuck? Whatever it is sounds insane. Yeah, all of our voicemails are either just like very gentle men just being like, oh, you shall help me get over

the death of my aunt or something. Or it's just like dudes threatening to rape Conrad. Like there is no middle draw. I feel like I've had the best. Oh, wait, we got him here. All right, here we go. Mean boys, this is Urak, the Skull of the Hottest. I wanted to inform you of an odd situation I encountered.

What the fuck is this? It came into my possession, the blasted and fragmented skull of one you may know as Burrito Santa. None of this means anything to you. Yeah, Barbara, this is a character a guy made up to comment on another character

to comment on a third character named Burrito Santa. We're sponsored by one burrito place. They don't have a chain. There's just one location in San Diego. Just like all legitimate podcasts, we're sponsored by brick-and-mortar businesses that have not franchised around the country, and we have

no kind of offer code to gauge how our sales are. We were blessed with Burrito Santa wanting to do the ad copy during these December months. Tom did a bad Santa Claus voice, over-committed to it, and now we keep just screaming at him in the commercials. So let's see where this goes.

It will be delighted to know after several dark rituals his life has been renewed, has been set upon the world. Merry Christmas boys. From all the astensions of Don Carlos Taco Shop and the underworld.

You fucking asshole. Whichever comes worst. So. You know what's great? It's like really the only words I could make out in that were Don Carlos Taco Shop, Merry Christmas, and Burrito Santa. And the rest of it just sounded like weird milky breathing. I didn't know you could leave a voicemail with a can tied to a string.

Emphysema claws really dropped the ball on me. Well, thank you fucking Horath, the spider fuckface or whatever your deal is. Alright, so this one's got the word gambling, fucking dentist, and fucking community college in it. So it might be good. Uh-oh.

Hello, mean boys, and happy Snark Week. Question for you. I consider myself... This is like the same kind of tone of voice whenever you have a problem with your bank. Hey there, Keith. I noticed your account's been overdrawn for 45 years. I noticed you're only 29.

I just wanted to go over a couple quick details with you. Go ahead and call us back. We'll take you to collections later. He sounds like an annoyed lawyer. Let's see where he goes with it. An artist. Or at least I did until I traded my passion in for a lovely community college education.

Currently, this decision has blessed me with a luxurious lifestyle of a one-bedroom apartment in a basement, a shitty car, and two jobs during the day that keep me from starving. That being said, seeing you guys grinded out as artists and living in squalor and prestigious crafts, it kind of gives me a weird hope that maybe I'll dust off my guitar one day and dedicate some time to making something.

I don't know. Anyway, all the rambling is to ask, how do you guys keep motivated? Even in the face of competition, abject poverty, utility people trying to shut your water off, you still find time to grind it out, and that's pretty dope.

Yeah. Sorry this isn't as juicy as carnival abortions or child molesting dentists, but I figured I'd mix it up with something depressing rather than horrifying for a change. Yeah. Sorry this isn't as juicy as carnival abortions or child molesting dentists. Real college. I figured I'd mix it up with something depressing rather than horrifying for a change. Love the show, guys. Tell Ophie God bless for me.

And Keith, go fucking see a dentist. I don't know. I got to go, guys. Bye now. Okay. Well, as part of the half of this table who's not invested in Bitcoin. This guy sounds cute. He does, yeah.

I mean, he plays guitar, but not seriously enough that it won't compete with your whole artistic shit. Exactly. Yeah, I don't know. You want to hang out sometime? Community college? Let's fucking party.

Yeah. You got a one bedroom? That's better than most of us. How do we stay motivated? I mean, I love that he's like, how do you find the time to grind? Here's the thing. When you have no money and no hope,

you have a lot of free time. You know how I stay motivated? It's because I know that Death to the Filth works third shifts in Indiana, and he needs his podcast to listen to because he's very bored. It's honestly having people that listen to the show and are like, hey, that means a lot to me. It kills time.

I hate my life. It kills time. It's great. I'm honored to be a part of people's time-killing regiment. So that motivates me to be like, okay, fuck, I've got to edit this shit. It sounds totally cliche. We complain about the show being hard to make because it's fun to whine. But really, this is the most fun I have is making this show. So I don't really think about it as grinding.

This is the fun part. Everything else is bullshit. I'll say this. I think you imply that you're a musician. There's an open mic version of anything you really want to do with your your life there's a thing that you can just kind of go up and start doing it just like if you honestly having a stupid dream kind of makes

the other work like easier because it feels like it's in person oh I'm just financing X yeah you know I mean don't drive out of community college don't do what I did I mean you don't you don't have to you know just writing songs is not the same time commitment as trying to be a touring comedian, TV writer, whatever, whatever.

Right. But if playing the guitar and writing songs makes you happy, just do it. Yeah. Do it whenever you're thinking, like, I wish I was doing that. Just do it. Just do it for 20 minutes. Yeah, write us a Mean Boys song. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. No, for me, it's like, you guys know the quote, when a shark stops swimming, it dies? Yeah. Yeah. It's not true. It's the closest member of the animal kingdom to you. You relate to the sharks very much. It's only some breeds of sharks.

But for me, it's just like, I got to... Tom knows a lot of animal facts. No, it's only some breeds of sharks, so plenty can just fucking chill. Possums can't walk backwards. All right, they'll explode. You'll notice. But honestly, like, if you can run from your demons without going through art, then I'm honestly fucking jealous of you. You know, like, this is how I run away, if that makes sense.

And everything else fucking sucks. So, yeah. So I guess maybe, I don't know, just do it for fun, and maybe your demons will catch up with you, and you've got to work harder at it. Have a worse life if you want to be. Barbara, do you have any non-insane? My strategy has always been put myself in situations I'm not ready for.

See, I've never had to seek out a situation. They always find me. Whatever people say that I'm like, how the fuck are you still... How does that... I've never had the time to go find... Okay, what can I fuck up today? You just started nine different sentences.

I'll shut the fuck up. I'll say this. I shouldn't have had a job. I'd quit my job when I was 21 to just do comedy. And I should have had a job so many times since then. But I just never got one. And I'm like, I'm okay. when I was 21 to just do comedy. And I should have had a job so many times since then. But I just never got one. And I'm like, I'm OK. Yeah.

Eventually you're just like, fuck it. Yeah. I mean, the thing is, like with comedy, especially like I do it because I love it. I wouldn't do I would I have to keep doing it because I'm obsessed with it. Right. It's the only thing I've invested the last 10 years of my fucking life into. Yeah. But I think, yeah, don't put a lot of pressure on yourself.

Like, don't wait. Also, if you want to play, go play. Don't, like, don't fucking wait anymore. Go to open mics and see that there's shittier people doing it and get motivated. That's what I did. And even if you do it as, like, a side hobby and it's not your life, that doesn't mean you failed. Not everybody has to be. It doesn't devalue what you make.

There's a lot of, like, songwriters and, like, musicians in my family, and they're all more talented than I am. But it's just not something that they don't want to just have that be their life and put all their fucking chips under that. It's like, whereas I have to have this weird compulsion. I know. Sturgill Simpson was like, he just did open mics and played for fun, and eventually he got fucking world famous over it. Yeah. Like, the love of what you do has to be bigger than any other part, because that's the's the part of you that's gonna make it want to make it good and unique in into you so if you're if you're like bummed because you didn't get famous off of it that's very different than being bummed that

you're not doing you can always keep doing it you can always keep getting better if you devote your entire adult life to it you could be mildly famous to 2500 shut-ins yeah well no there's i mean there's plenty of comedians that are, you know, no one will ever know their name, but people should. You know what I mean? There's plenty of people who don't make any money at this who are fucking brilliant. Well, there are people that make a lot of money you'll never know of.

Yeah. It's weird. It's weird. There are people that just do colleges or cruise ships and shit, and it's just like, yeah, that kind of like, you know, I guess that blows if you're comparing it to what your big pie-in-the-sky dreams when you got into this shit. But the guy literally juggles on a boat for a living and he has a Lexus.

Like, you'll be fine. There's lots of... I think we drifted into earnest boys. Yeah. We'll just do it, dude. All right, we got another... We got an email that's kind of in that same vein. I wanted to read this because I really...

I don't think we tell you guys that we love you enough. Dear skinny one, fat one, another fat one. You probably don't get a lot of sincere messages on here. And with Snark Week, you'll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel for content by Wednesday. tell you guys that we love you enough uh dear skinny one fat one another fat one you probably don't get a lot of sincere messages on here and with snark week you'll probably be scraping the bottom of the barrel for content by wednesday true and this isn't funny enough to help but here goes i've had a shit couple months school is shit work is shit family can be shit and usually is i wish i could say it's getting better but it's not looking great right now but each week i listen to mean boys to the mean boys podcast and get to laugh and not think about everything else for

about an hour at a time i don't know how you look at the podcast, but I'm really glad you put all the effort into making it each week and all the time you take to interact with your fan base. It meant a lot to me when things were better. It means a lot to me now and will mean a lot to me when things get better. Also, don't be assholes and read this on the show and make fun of it because that would be shitty. Fuck everything. God is dead. Gay! No, thank you, man.

That is very sweet. Yeah, surely. I can't. Those emails mean so much to me i can't even like explain i'm just like yeah yeah no i mean yeah no because the guys as a dude spent the majority of his life trying not to kill himself i'm just like oh good i'm really glad i had xyz tv show you know whatever it was so no it's it's i mean it's cool that we're like, people fucking depress people listening to this and it fucking gets them through their day. Like, that's the biggest compliment

you could give us. And I'm sorry you're going through so much shit right now, man. Yeah, man. And like I said, just invest in Bitcoin and then very soon you'll be able to buy a new family that doesn't suck. We got one more voicemail. I think it's a stupid one. Okay. Maybe. suck we got one more voicemail I think it's a stupid one okay maybe Snark wig. Cage goes in the water. You go in the water.

Snark's in the water. Snark. Yep. Wow. What a great bow on that. All the goodwill that was like, we're really making a difference. People who need this in their lives.

I'm like, fuck all of you. You're all swine. You're dumb idiots. You don't deserve our brains. I loved it. I loved it. I like that all of our listeners sound like they just gargle with cigarette water. Every single one is just like, hey, me and boys, I got into trouble with the IRS.

My wife's trying to take my tractor. Anyway, I just wonder if you can recommend any good anime. The government repossessed my kidney. Love it when you do the spider faggot or whatever. What's up, man? I'm a brony. I work on an oil rig. I owe a lot of money to the Russian mob.

Anyway, I just want to know what kind of shampoo Tom uses. Bees? Okay. Here's a song I wrote about how Connor's gay. I think that's our show, everybody. Barbara, thank you for coming on. Yeah, thanks for having me, guys. For doing this, for stooping down to our level.

I usually, I won't do a podcast that doesn't have within 50 iTunes reviews with us, but you're really slumming it down here, so we do appreciate you taking the time. Listen to Lady Lady. We'll have a link to that in the show notes, and also Britney's Instagram. Oh, yeah. Fucking hilarious idea for a podcast. Thank you. I think we'd have some people that dig what's that about again i know i know but we analyze britney spears instagram is there enough is there enough content every week to like the go through you have no idea there is so much oh yeah we were gonna do

it bi-weekly and then we were like there is new shit she drops every day that's so fucking bananas that we have to like do you think you think she's going to die soon? No, she's doing great. Damn it. She's doing great. Yeah, Tom, we're doing a death pool. Yeah, if you want to join our celebrity... No, no, no, she's fine. Britney's going to be fine, man.

Yeah, really stoked about your side project. What's the over-under on a pill thing? What's the over-under of her going six feet under? I would be very sad. No, she's... Honestly, you guys go on there, look at her Instagram. It's just absolutely amazing. I saw Yuri tweets.

I mean, she was singing in, like, a cocktail dress. And I was like, well, good for Britney Spears. She kind of figured it out. She, that was a Bananas video. It was, yeah, you have to go on there and look at it. But she's a, she's a nutso. And so we just, like, go way too in-depth into her, like, Instagram and her life, basically, in the show.

I love it. Very fun. Let's talk. Any shows coming up? Um, Sauce every Friday at Dasana Pizza in Hollywood. Great show. Go check that out. Uh, this, uh, this coming Tuesday, December 12th at Dasana Pizza in Hollywood. It's a great show. Go check that out. This coming Tuesday,

December 12th at 8 p.m. we'll be handling the Rec Room Comedy Club in Huntington Beach. Get tickets on the website with promo code MEAN. Only $5. Ventura Harbor Comedy Club

December 22nd and 23rd. I'm doing some kind of weird military base in Ventura on the 19th so I don't know if anyone, any advice for that, anything?

How do I, you know, I don't know. I don't know. Good luck. Tweet me about that if you know, if you got any tips. They're thirsty for stuff. You'll be fine. Oh yeah, this know, I don't know. I don't know. Good luck. Tweet me about that if you know. They're thirsty for stuff.

You'll be fine. Oh, yeah. This Saturday at the Westside Comedy Theater, 11 p.m. December 28th, I'm headlining the Comedy Store in La Jolla. And January 2nd, we're doing the live Now Is Not The Time at the Harvails in Long Beach. Ramsey Bedau is hosting that. If you guys like that on Mean Boys, come check out the live show. I think all three of us are going to be there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that'll be fun. Yeah. Come check that out. Sorry, guys.

Sorry, trying to... Okay, 18th and 19th of this month, I will be up in Fresno at Grog's, and I don't know the other location. Probably DeChico's. Probably DeChico's. But yeah, come on out, the people of Fresnieland, and let's...

No, no, shut up Let's do some yuck yucks Follow me Follow me on goss goss I will not be as whimsical on stage Follow me, goss goss 6, all things And join Deathpool Alright

Fuck everything, God is dead Thank God it's dead.