Mean Boys - EP 99 - Skateboard Sharks (feat. Dan St. Germain)

Episode Date: December 10, 2017

Support the show on Patreon: www.patreon.com/meanboys This week’s segments include “Mexican Joke Off”, “Porn Or Yelp", “Our Worst Sketch Ever”, and a game of "Which of the Following" with North Korean Press Releases by Micah Pratt Get on the email list and fill out our 2018 tour survey to help us plan our big dumb adventure: goo.gl/forms/DKxdxTPtzebqYFPG3 Join the Mean Boys Celebrity Death Pool by emailing [e-mail] Get the new Wu-Tang t-shirt and all our past designs on our new Tee Public page: www.teepublic.com/user/meanboyspodcast Shop Sudio headphones and use promo code "MEANBOYS15" for 15% off all purchases: goo.gl/JWBAJK Contribute to the Mean Boys wiki: mean-boys.wikia.com/wiki/Mean_Boys_Wiki Send us an email at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at [phone] We are proudly sponsored by Don Carlo's Taco Shop in La Jolla California (www.eataburrito.com) Follow our guest Dan St. Germain on Twitter: twitter.com/dsgermain Follow the show on Twitter: twitter.com/meanboyspodcast Follow Keith on Twitter: twitter.com/keithtellsjokes Follow Connor on Twitter: twitter.com/connormcspadden Follow Tom on Twitter: twitter.com/gossgoss6 Visit us on the web: www.meanboyspodcast.com Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Instagram: instagram.com/meanboyspodcast Follow us on Soundcloud: @meanboyspodcast Theme: I’ve Seen Footage by Death Grips (itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-mon…tore/id515449028) Buy Keith’s album (itunes.apple.com/us/album/forever-nap/id1105182043) Podcast logo by Luis Galvez: twitter.com/luiagal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, it's Keith and Connor and Tom and this is the Mean Boys Podcast. Mean Boys. Blah, blah, blah. With the final installment of our Snark Week adventure. Snark Week. And how's the gang feeling right now? The gang is exhausted. I'm going to just tell you, I mean, it's not a bad episode, but if you're a first time

listener, maybe check out another one. Maybe check out a different non-this episode. Yeah, this is the one where you finally really hear us break. And Dan St. Germain joined us in the studio. He was fantastic. Check out all his shit. He's great. He was very funny. He was wonderful. We do start to melt down a little bit

on this episode, so just be aware of that. This is our, what, 12th show we've recorded in seven days. Thank you to everybody who's been excited about Snark Week, though. And check out all the episodes. There's been tweeting. All the guests who come in excited about Snark Week, though. And if you check out all the episodes, it's been tweeting. All the guests who come in, the one thing they keep saying, they're like, it's crazy how many people who listen to your show have tweeted us and followed us and are supportive of what you guys are doing.

No, this week made me realize how cool this podcast is and how cool our fucking fans are. Yeah, so thank you, guys. Thank you, everybody who's left an iTunes review. Please, if you haven't, leave us a review. Rate us, Subscribe us. That helps us a fucking ton. We got a new one that's pretty funny.

It's Nice Boys, five stars, by Chandra Nitz. My husband has been forcing this podcast on me for months, and I finally just rolled over and got it over with, so he'd shut up about it. Turns out I actually like it. I've been listening to the backlog as well as the current episodes. Good to know the quality didn't dip over time. Don get me wrong it didn't improve but it did so that's something seriously though i love this podcast they feed the evil demon in my soul so i can continue to act like a fully functional human being to the outside world oh that's uh that's very it's very sweet i love that we were compared to anal sex and we're like oh oh we got compared

to anal sex i'm so tired i didn't pick up, the rolled over and let it happen. Oh, okay. That's how I read that. I don't know. Maybe I'm gross. Also, if you want to hear all the hot bonus content we've released this week. Where we played a full game of Monopoly. The one tweet we got from our brothers was like, ooh, how soothing. And we're like, all right, cool.

Yeah, we basically recorded a white noise machine. We're halfway through. I called Tom a robber baron and a retard. But yeah, go to patreon.com slash meme boys. We put up new episodes every day this week. We do one every week. Bonus episode. You get a little behind the scenes peek.

Lots of fun shit. So please do that. We're going to be taking this week off. There's not going to be a new episode this Tuesday. We'll be back with our 100th episode, our Christmas Spectacular on Tuesday, December 19th. We've got some very fun planned for that. Do we have anything else

we need to work? Can we get into this fucking show? Well, let's do it, baby. Oh, tour sheet. Fill out the tour sheet. Let us know what city you live in. We're going on tour next year.

And join Celebrity Death Bowl. Email tonguascomedy at gmail.com. That's going to be fun. All that up. Enjoy episode 99 of the Mean Boys Podcast with Dan Saint-. Germain.

Hi, and welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Your friends love you the same way they love GameCube Color. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Keith Gary. I'm Dan St. Germain. And I'm... A cartoon turtle that's not allowed to see his kids anymore. What is GameCube Color? I thought you were talking about Game Boy Color.

GameCube Color is aggressively not a real thing. They never made GameCubes in black and white, dude. I meant Game Boy Color. Already to a roll of... That made it funnier. Yeah. It didn't make sense either way, but it was also inaccurate and uncanny.

I've been very pressed for writing as of the last several hours. This is the mental breakdown episode. This is our seventh show in seven days, and Tom is losing his mind today. I'm sleeping in a basement. I'm definitely allergic

to something in it. Keith, did you get Tom to make you look handsome? I need to look, yeah. I know. It's just funny. Poor Connor is just like, yeah, do that podcast. Oh, with that fat guy. And he's like, yeah. And that other fat guy. Yeah. You just have a lot of fat friends.

And we're joined by a new fat friend, Dan St. Germain. L.A. woman era Jim Morrison in the studio. I am bathtub Jim Morrison. I do appreciate that. I am to Tom what you are to Mike Lawrence. You are to Tom what I am to Mike. I think my distance

between me and Mike, Mike will be like, we look exactly alike. I'm like, no we don't, dude. We saw Justice League with Mike Lawrence, and he is getting the tickets, printing them out. He bends over. No belt, alright? Ass crack is out. Belly is out. And Keith is like, as a fat

dude, you get to pick one of those three things. Alright? You violated the whole... I just wanted to take a picture of his butt crack. He just posted it with the caption Emmy nominee. He always looks like a Frito bag open in a Demogorgon wallet. 100%.

And he's one of my best friends. And he walks in just looking preemptively angry and they check his backpack for guns and there's just action figures in there. Can you imagine? If he did the Colorado shooting, he would just first off, he wouldn't shoot because he'd be like, oh, the Dark Knight Rises does

not honor the comic books. Is it worth my bullets? At least he would have gotten the Can I write an angry email from prison? At least he would have gotten the Joker's hair color correct. I mean, that would have been, it would have been very accurate Joker cosplay. Alright, guys.

We're all dying. We're ready to do this. Let's get into the Mexican joke. All right. I'll take us away with maybe my worst entry of the entire week. A video of a couple having sex in a car while driving 70 miles an hour is going viral. I've heard of coming fast, but this is ridiculous. Oh, that's really bad, dude.

I'm so glad you opened with that. It makes me feel so much better about what i'm about to do you're welcome guys wait they were doing 70 and fucking though they were yeah how do you even do that i mean uh you gotta be brazilian i guess well was it brazilian it was in like brazil yeah it was in some weird place in south i think it was just like we weren't even paying attention to jokes we're like oh fucking what drive in yeah i think the girl was like cowgirl on top of

him and like, you know, had his had her head like around the corner. Have you guys ever had sex with a woman in a car while you're driving? No, I've never even gotten road.

I have gotten roadhead, but I girl knocked my shit into neutral and almost killed us. I had a girl out while she was driving once. That was fun. How did you even pull

that off? Yeah, you profoundly fat man. I'm not impressed by these Brazilians. I was 69. How did you even pull that off? Yeah, Brad Pitt did that. You profoundly fat man. I'm not impressed by these Brazilians. I was 60. Well, Carl's Jr. wasn't open. Was she driving? Gotta get that barbecue sauce. Arby's wasn't open.

He's like, this is the closest thing to roast beef. What vehicle is big enough? Was she driving that thing that takes the space shuttle to the launch pad? What kind of car? I think it was like a Corolla or something. Like a carolla or something. Like a car-ass car. It's just, when was this? God, like six years ago.

Girlfriend or? Girlfriend, yeah. Were you like, was your head upside down? I was just kind of, yeah, I kind of just sort of went under. She was wearing like a short skirt, so I sort of hiked it up, and then I just kind of got it. It wasn't a good pussy eating. I kind of like was hitting thigh most of it, but I was, you know, going for it.

I kind of feel like working upside down is tough. Yeah've never eaten pussy upside down really no what do you mean like 69 not really okay yeah never girls never want to do it that always makes them feel fat 69 yeah yeah because they're like i'm self-conscious and i'm like no i just fucking bury you know my face i just i i can't imagine any of you guys bringing a girl back to this place. It happens. It happens shockingly often. When I walked in, I was like, it's less depressing that

no one smokes crack here. We bought it from Crackheads and it got worse. It's funny that it's just been lots of very nice women and several millionaires in this horrible home. Millionaires. Steve Ranazzisi.

Steve Ranazzisi. Is he a millionaire? Probably. Probably. He's probably just a millionaire. He didn't lose all that Buffalo Wild Wings money. Canaan, probably. Got into the low millions.

He's probably close. Yeah. Yeah. In South Carolina, a beagle was found tied to a tree with its tongue cut out. Find out more in the upcoming animated special, It's a Warning from MS-13, Charlie Brown. That's what Snoopy is. That's fine. Female UFC fighter Justine Kiss shit herself while being choked out in the octagon.

But there's nothing funny about that. What? I don't know. Dan, this podcast is usually very funny. I've lost my mind, guys. I had a joke about the same thing. A UFC fighter was ridiculed for shitting her pants in the middle of a fight, but she has signed a sponsorship with Crap Out.

Oh, that's actually a joke. That's not better. Mildly better, yeah. It is better. We've done this every day, so we've ran out of news stories. I'm not in news. I fucking burnt all the dead kid shit, like day three. Yeah.

Now it's just like it's got to be like a gnarly story. It always ends up being. It's like, oh, Japan and the EU have a new trade agreement. That's funny. Nothing. ISIS is like celebrating Kwanzaa or some shit right now. It's been very quiet. We all just kind of unofficially decided we're not going to do any more Trump

jokes because we're like, we get it. He sucks. So it's really trying to dig through all that shit is the hard part. Oh, thanks for making that proclamation right before I left. A new report states that President Trump watches up to eight hours of television a day. In a related story, the commander-in-chief announced he plans to fix relations with North Korea using Mighty

Putty. What is Mighty Putty? It's an infomercial thing. Guys, this is depressing. This is rough. Maybe doing seven scripted comedy podcasts in seven days was a poor idea. I just like seeing Dan's face as he realizes, like, man, I made the right call not writing the jokes. We should have just really had someone less significant on for day seven so we could have just summed it in over the finish line. Oh, man.

Oh, Lord. All right, let's try this one. Anybody who just thinks that writing weekend update jokes is easy, please listen to this podcast. Man, you should have seen some of the ones we had like three, four days ago

when we were hot. I'm looking at this fucking folding chair that you guys ripped. How did you even do this? Would you... Okay, it was just... Mike Lawrence accidentally, like, farted. Take a wild guess as to who sat in the chair to break it.

I don't know how you could possibly speculate on this. Diabetes 1 or Diabetes 2? God damn it. Well, Diabetes 2 said something that made Diabetes 1 laugh so hard that he fucked up the chair. But how do you fuck it up that way? I'm really funny. Guys, I just want to describe it. It's got, like...

It's got Macho Man Randy Savage tassels. Somehow, all he did, it's not like he broke it in. It's right next to another broken chair. And then the back flaps. Yeah, it looks like a ghost pirate ship from an episode of Scooby-Doo. It's like Harry and the Hendersons or some shit. It's crazy. You broke Tom broke this is nuts

yeah this is the best this is like the last room i spat hot coffee all over myself this is the last room john bonnet saw this is disgusting oh yeah it is you guys need anyone who's a mean boys fan so uh keith's family uh they don't listen they told me specifically they don't have a good relationship with your family uh it's awkward it's awkward what is your what are your parents do uh my dad uh is elsewhere and my mom used to do heroin and now she does uh yoga and has a lot of guns well it's good for her yeah she owns guns yeah that's yeah i saw her thanksgiving and like, yeah, I used to be a therapist. She's like, I do hot mess yoga.

I should have put that right in the beginning. I'm saving that for when she comes in here next week. And there's like an alien poster. Yeah, I don't know why we have that. Yeah, it was just like vaguely handed to us. Oh, yeah. It's fucking crazy. Yeah.

Oh, man. God help me. Porn star August Ames is dead at the age of 25. In accordance with her last wishes, she will be taken to the cemetery in the Banghurst. I got one. That's funny. Yeah, fucking easy. Did I tell you guys about how Shiloh Stiles, a porn star that just died, her Twitter still

has her horoscope linked, so it just posts a new Gemini horoscope every day? God, that's spooky. Which is the saddest legacy I think you can have. It's just tragic lives. Virginia police officer is being sued for making a 17-year-old suspect masturbate so he can compare his erect penis to a photo of a criminal's penis. The cop is looking at hard time. First of all, boo.

That story was insane, though. Did you read it? Yeah, it's fucking nuts. I wish it was funnier. What is it? They popped this dude, this kid, for sending sex to a 15-year-old. I think he was 19 or something. And to compare

them to the pictures he sent, the cops made him jerk off in front of them to get his dick hard. But then the cop who made him do that ended up getting popped on pedophilia charges and killing himself when the cops were coming after him.

So it was like... What was the kid, 17? How old was he? I think the one who got arrested was like 19. It was one of those like right under the wire

kind of things. So he's a pedophile in addition to that. No, no, no. He was... No, the cop that brought him in and made him jerk off. That cop ended up

being a pedophile. Oh, he ended up being a pedophile. Yeah, because the court were like, yeah, you can't make somebody jerk off. Oh, yeah, of course pedophile. Oh, he ended up being a pedophile. Yeah, because the court were like, yeah, you can't make somebody jerk off. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Sounds like he was going to serve some hard time.

So he was into kids and 19-year-olds. I guess so. I guess 19 is sort of like, I'll take it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah. I want a McDonald's, but there's a Burger King. I thought he was 17 when this first happened. This is a terrible SAT word problem we're figuring out.

All right, Connor, you're up. All right, guys. Iraq has declared victory on ISIS. In response, ISIS is claiming responsibility. They claim responsibility for everything, guys. I was too busy. I was thinking about the pedophiles. Yeah, it's hard to move forward from that.

ISIS claiming the pedophiles as well. it's hard to move forward from that. ISIS claiming the pedophiles as well. Yeah, yeah. Jesus. All right. A new study shows that birth control pills are linked to breast cancer in women. After hearing these findings, guys around the world have pledged to become more of an ass man anyway. Cut off the tip. It's fine.

Nice. The U.S. has revealed their new travel advisory policy. It is simply build a bunker and pray for salvation. We're really just trying to burn through this segment now. Can we just do three jokes this week? No, we gotta eat our broccoli, guys. It would be rude. I promise you the rest of the show

will be more fun. I feel like fucking Johnny Cash's herd is going to be... That's a great idea let's get a guy we don't know that well to watch us just fucking

flounder our way to the end it feels like we're doing like a weird like talent recital in our living room for a stepdad that doesn't really

like us very much oh yeah like yeah you kind of juggled for a second he's like this is not worth your mom's gross pussy give me some

grown up juice what's up how many more are left Dan just texting now with your mom's gross pussy. Give me some grown-up juice. How many more are left? Dan just texting now. Dan calling an Uber, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom, and then just fucking Dan-shaped outline in the wall.

I thought you were gonna say climbing through the window, and I was gonna be like, come on. No, no, no. All right, guys. Director Bryan Singer was sued over an alleged sexual assault of a 17 year old

in a yacht people are outraged that we could have exposed this open secret earlier if we had just stuck around until after the credits that's kind of good he makes movies

you know he's a rapist that's where they put the secret movie stuff maybe that's where they put the secret movie rapist stuff it's so weird because everybody's known

about the Bryan Singer like sex parties forever and we just kind of like ignored it Bryan Singer sex party they're on there's a documentary about it open secret is there really yeah open secret oh I didn't know that was about him specifically or like sex parties forever and we just kind of like ignored it. Brand Singer Sex Party. They're on... Yeah, there's a documentary about it.

Is there really? Yeah, Open City. Oh, I didn't know that was about him specifically. Oh, it's about a bunch of like Hollywood pedophiles. Yeah, somebody showed me a picture of just like

a swimming pool full of jello with all these just like frightened twinks in it and I'm like, holy shit. That actually sounds delicious. Yeah, that's the thing. It looks like fun until you like zoom in

just a little bit and I'm like, oh no. And then you see me. Yeah. She's like, oh no, he said he'd get me on All Things Comedy. What the lowest?

Oh no, he said he'd get me on Nat Geo. We could get on All Things Comedy. If you're a 14-year-old and you suck a cock for Nat Geo, you deserve what you got. You're on the next one. I didn't try to move off of that. Keith did it for fat geo, huh, guys? Authorities have recovered the body of a woman who went missing after a Tinder date,

remarked the man she went out with, quote, I've heard of being ghosted before, but come on. Because she died and turned into a ghost. Look, what the... I love this song. Over me just quietly walking into the ocean. It's just, yeah. Rocks in my pockets. It's you pouring whiskey over your failed late night packets.

You made the right choice at midnight. Lights a cigarette, drop it. I think I'm going to get this at midnight packet. We all felt good about comedy knockout. Did you do comedy knockout? Packets? I think so.

I don't remember. You did the packet? We all did the packet. I did the show and the first time I freaked out on a set because I was so bad. I would have with

Mike Lawrence and Megan Gailey and then like in between sets I bombed horribly and then the person next to me, the woman goes, oh, you're doing good. And I'm like, are we watching the same fucking show?

I've been eating my fucking dick out there. I was like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Departed. They're going to cut me up and they're going to feed me to the poor. You know, that's what it felt like. Slovenia's spy agency has gone on strike. After further research, a Slovenian spy is just an Eastern

European man with a Mr. Potato Head mustache or one of them hoes from Austin Powers. I don't know who told you it was okay for you to use the phrase one of them hoes. Assuredly not. It was like, not on any moral level. Look at your dumb face and bone

structure. That's not acceptable. No, it's one thing for a joke to be complicated. It's one thing for it to be not funny. And it's another thing when it manages to be both. So congratulations. And it was already such a complicated bad joke. It was Chuck Tathan, by the way. You know what it really needs is an Austin Powers reference.

That's going to save it. All right. I'm waiting for your thunder now. I'm out. Oh, that was five? Well, I gave you the crap out one. All right. So I think it's just you and me. You know what? It's five.

No, finish your joke. No, Dan. I'm going to save it right here at this point. This is a money joke, ladies and gentlemen. All right, guys. A man who stole meat by hiding it in his pants has been caught and arrested on drug possession charges. In response, we'll be donating a portion of the Mean Boys Patreon to Keith Carey's father's legal expenses.

That's funny. There you go. That was on the bad side of mediocre, which is a home run today. Well, I get to bring it back down. Hanukkah is Tuesday. Uh-oh. Or as I call it, a week of potato pancake Christmas. No.

No. I want the Santa Ana fires to engulf us all. You know how it feels like we've been doing this for a half an hour? We've been recording for 17 minutes. Are you serious? Are you serious? This honestly felt like 35. This is the one house that if the fires came to this side of the neighborhood, it would just go, no thanks.

Go around to the other house. Move around. See you in Eagle Rock, thanks. Go around to the other house. See you in Eagle Rock, everybody. Keep doing comedy. This week we would have had absolutely the best week of Mexican joke-offs except for today. Yeah. I've heard that a lot before.

Yeah, that's the comedy version. Hey man, there's people here every time. This never happens before. We're going to do a quick beach bleach taste test for Patreon, and we'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, Christmas is coming up, and your friends and family probably want you to buy them something because they're needy fucks.

What is a good thing you can get for your family or loved ones that they will enjoy as a Christmas thing? Studio headphones, Keith. Tight. The best headphones. And guess what? We have a very special partnership with these folks. So if you use promo code

MeanBoys15 at StudiosSweden.com you get 15% off. Yeah, there's some high-end fucking headphones. The bass is crispy, the treble is treblicious. They have wireless Bluetooth capability, long battery life. They also got a magical spaghetti cord that does not tangle if you want to

party while tethered. So yeah, Mean Boys 15 is the promo code for the studio headphones. And studio like Officer Ninja Money. Alright. And welcome back to the Mean Boys podcast. We're closing

out Snark Week with one of our favorite games. This is Porn Comment or Yelp Review. This is the worst Indian place in Brentwood. And this game is very simple. It's exactly what it sounds like. I have a bunch of weird shit that I found on the internet. We have to decide if these are porn comments or reviews of establishments on Yelp. And it is way harder than you think it would be.

So we will start with number one. Quote, I have never seen such insensitive, rude, uncaring, irresponsible women as these two. Ooh. This is someone who got their order fucked up at Pinkberry. That's what it sounds like, but I also feel like you're going to start

out with a real mislead one. Oh, you're trying to play game theory on this shit. Oh, that's what you gotta do, yeah. I'm gonna go with porn. Who is ever jacking off to something and being like, well, this is a little bit disrespectful to the guy who works in this parking lot in Florida. That they're doing this here. I don't think that's

entering anyone's... Clearly you have not read enough porn comments. Yeah, I haven't. I'm gonna say Yelp review. We got a porn in the Yelp, Tom. Yeah, I'm gonna lean Yelp just because, yeah, I'm gonna lean Yelp just because, yeah, I gotta go with Connor. I can't imagine. I've never watched porn and been like, ah, these girls are just

so rude, you know? If anything, I want them to be ruder, so I gotta go Yelp. Alright, well, we found out what Tom likes. Yeah, rude girls. Lady not bussing her fucking tray at Chipotle. Yeah. I'd be great to answer. That is a Yelp review of the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.

We are currently on the run from because we're getting our utilities for free. Yeah. So they keep driving around the block. How? We don't really know. We try not to ask questions. We don't want to call them and ask because then they're going to make us pay for it. So we just lock them out and just hide when they show up.

Yeah. No, we're on the porch and i see the van coming down the street and i just yell cheese it it's water and power and we ran inside closed all the blinds peeking out like you know are you from the midwest no we're i thought cheese it was just like a chicago thing to say but no i don't know an old-timey like i just need i was like an old bank robber with like a bag with a dollar sign on it i just needed to get across the information that we needed to get the fuck out of there as quickly as possible. And Cheez-It seemed like the most effective way to do that.

When did they become a thing? Do you mean the cracker? Yeah, we're talking about the expression, Tom. Oh, I know it wasn't. I thought you were just literally like, the cracker, Cheez-It, it's water and power. How much does this house a month? $2,500. That seems high.

It seems high. Dan, what you're forgetting is that 95 people live here. How many people live here? Six, five and a half. Four, five? Five people live here? Yeah. I live in a tent in the living room.

I used to live in the basement. You live in the living room in a tent? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but Tom was trying to rent the roof for a quick second. Yeah, I can't sleep in the basement. It fucks me up. We're going to put you on the roof. Yeah. I think it's funnier than that to me. Yeah, it's almost trying to rent the roof for a quick second. Yeah, I can't sleep in the basement. It fucks me up. We're going to put you on the roof.

Yeah. I think it's funnier than that to me. Yeah, yeah. How do you bring a chick back on the roof? I mean, I couldn't bring them back to the basement either. I picked her up from the airport one time. Yeah, because you're holding up the Led Zeppelin lantern as you go down the creepy steps and ignore the moldy dryer. I hadn't seen her for like two weeks, and so we're just laying in my bed, and she's

like smiling. She's super happy to see me, but she just starts wheezing like a fucking pug because she can't breathe down there. Fucking black mold, probably. No, no, no. Wheezing like a pug, or as Tom calls it, optimum breathing. There's a ton of black mold. How old are you?

How old do you think I am? I could go either way. I want to hear the guess. It's somewhere between 22 and 38. I mean, you're right. I'm 24. Okay. It's a rough 24.

You're a hard 24. Yeah, yeah. You're the new season of 24. How old are you? I'm 29. 29. 24. I'm three days younger than Tom.

Are you guys having a joint birthday party this year? We've talked about it before. We've discussed it. I don't really like birthday parties. I have no interest in them. I want her to go camping. I think you live camping. Seems like you. It'd be nicer.

What is the appeal of going to the woods? West spiders? Yeah, I want to nice it up. I love sleeping near them. I'd like to get the same amount of bug bites with half of the Mexican music blaring in the middle of the night. Love beaches. Alright, let's keep this thing going.

Number two, quote, you can tell she just had a kid in the past few days. Oh. Of course it's gonna be porn then. I'm gonna say Yelp. I think this is a misdirect. God damn it. That's the misdirect. Yeah, I'm gonna say Yelp. I think it's a misdirect. God damn it. That's the misdirect. Yeah, I'm going to say Yelp. I think it's like for the Church of the Latter Day Saints or something.

We did the Scientology Church last time we did this. That is from a porn called Big Pussy. Alright, we're even now. Oh, geez. Big Pussy. That was the worst show at the Virgil. Sorry. Inside baseball. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a women in comedy

festival. Big Pussy. Hey, yeah. I think that's a women in comedy festival. Big pussy. Hey, big pussy. They're still getting yelled at. Number three quote. At that point, why not just eat off the floor? Oh, is this butt porn? That's Yelp.

That is Yelp again. Why is it butt porn specifically? Oh, I mean, I imagine if it's porn, someone's getting their ass eaten out. Okay. Okay. All right. You know, just with the context clues given. And then, or it could just be a really dirty restaurant.

I'm going to go porn. The correct answer, I hate when this happens. Tom, logic is correct. That is a porn. There's a gay porn called Santa Fucks Hot Guy. They eat, like, cereal out of his ass or something? No, it's just Santa Claus. Or candy canes. I don't porn. There's a gay porn called Santa Fucks Hot Guy. They eat cereal out of his ass or something? No, it's just Santa Claus. Or candy canes.

I don't know. You're winning. I am. Yeah. At this and nothing else in your life. Yeah, no. This is my victory for the year. Santa eats hot guy.

Number four quote. Oh, God. If you're bisexual, do you watch more gay porn or straight porn? I watch more straight porn. Yeah, there's not a lot of good bi porn, is what I've noticed. Well, it's usually gay or straight. What is bi porn? It would be a threesome.

Would you consider yourself on the spectrum? What percentage is straight gay? Like 70-30, 70 straight, 30 gay. On the spectrum. Me and Tom on two different spectrums. Can you make eye contact? Tom's on the spectrum. Yeah.

I'm 70% straight, 30% Forrest Gump on Spectrum. Yeah. I'm 70% straight, 30% Forrest Gump. Our internet is Spectrum. I'm 70% straight, 3%. I'm lonely. Whatever is fine. Yeah, so Keith is 70% straight

and 30% just really wants to be allowed to keep saying faggot. I think that's really how it breaks down. I'm not going to lie. You're not 100% wrong. I always worry I have to re-up with the gay DMV and get my faggot license reinstated.

Yeah. That's fucking great. Oh, shit. I got one. Number four quote. Oh, God, why is the bottom so bloody? I'm going to throw up. I'm going to say Yelp.

I've said Yelp so many times. I've got to say Yelp. Try to get back in this thing Okay I don't know what that could possibly be for Maybe some kind of like a deli Or like a meat place Okay

You know, I'm going to say porn I think someone got ass fucked too hard All roads lead to the ass That is a Yelp review of an Applebee's We're all even Wait, Applebee's? Wait, yeah, what? That is a

Yeah, somebody's burger was a whole situation At an Applebee's One time I went to an Applebee's. Wait. Yeah, what? That is a... Yeah, somebody's burger was a whole situation at an Applebee's. One time I went to an Applebee's. This is Drew. It was in Malkisco, New York. And DMX was there.

Okay. And it was all our theater troops. They're all like lame, right? And then he leaves and then we're all like, oh my God, it's DMX, DMX. And then there was a guy in back of DMX

who's friends with him and he just turns to us and he goes, he's just're all like, oh, my God, it's DMX, DMX. And then there was a guy in back of DMX who's friends with him, and he just turns to us and he goes, he's just like you and me, man. He's just like you and me. And we walked away. Oh, my God. And then two weeks later, he posed as a cop and held somebody up a couple of and I'm like, he is not like us. No, he's way cooler than all of us.

One time I was at a grocery store with my friend, and my friend freaked out. I was like, he is not like us. Nah, he's way cooler than all of us. One time I was at a grocery store with my friend, and my friend freaked out. I was like, what's going on? I was like, I just met Kobe Bryant. I was like, what? And I look in the aisle, and it is definitely not Kobe Bryant. It's just a black dude. It's just a black dude.

Just a polite black guy that didn't want to deal with it. I think the funniest celebrity sighting I've ever had was I was in Miami one time, and I look across the street, and there's this stretch Hummer pulled up to this really fancy club, and Rick Ross gets out, and he's not dressed for the club at all. He's wearing a tank top and shorts and flip flops, and he just gets out and just goes, Lord Jesus. Just winded from standing. Was that fat Rick Ross?

Oh, it was the fattest Rick Ross. It was thick Ross, man. Dude, I want to get my horn to have just the DMX like, ow, ow, ow, ow. That would be cool. All right, number five. Speaking of people who want to say faggot real bad, DMX. Number five, quote, four words, never trust Bob Saget.

Ooh. This is why. I know they just released a porn parody of Fuller House called Fuller Holes. Oh, it's porn. I'm saying it's porn, yeah. Okay. It's the only porn to ever outact its source material. We're all tied up. This is the last one, right?

No, we've got a couple more. I'm going to go Yelp. The great answer, that is a Yelp review of The Laugh Factory. God damn it, you're winning. That's what The Laugh Factory is. That dumbass heckler lady who got thrown out, but she just leads it like that it's a conspiracy with Bob Saget. Like, you stabbed me in the back, Bob.

Yeah, Bob Saget has all that fucking syndication money, needs to dick you out of your $25 ticket. Comedy is the fucking worst. Yeah. Really is. I don't know why anybody does it. Yeah, it's true garbage. Well, it's for moments like these, I think.

It's for whatever that smell is. What is that smell? Nothing good. Oh, the fridge. Yeah. What, in the fridge? That's anybody's guess. Listen, it smells like shit at this place.

It doesn't smell great. Well, yeah, there's a lot of, like, optimistic. I don't even really notice it. What's going on, dude? A lot of shit, Dan. All right? We didn't get the fucking comedy knockout job, dude. We got some nice posters, though.

Yeah, no, the posters are nice. Yeah, no, they're great. And it's just like a bug chews through Tom's face. The posters are really cool. I think the problem is there's... Podcast has been fun to do, and there's alien posters. Leonardo DiCaprio's in this. It's literally like, but it's all bandaid over bullet hole shit.

Because the Mean Boys poster is really cool, right? But it's like, it's all over fucking, just like, I've last seen a Zero Dark Thirty. It's an entire fucking... Have you never lived in a place like this?

I did. I did. In New York, I had no living room. And I don't know why, and this is like, I was, yeah,

I should not have lived there. I have no idea how I brought girls back there. Yeah. You know? I think it just forces you to get real charming. Yeah, we're cool guys. Or just not be charming and not get laid.

Well, yeah, that's an option, too. Yeah, I've nailed it. Yeah, my personality's gone to fucking shit, so I have a nice place. Dan, we've noticed. We have ascertained that. It's real tough. I'm a real middle-seated coach personality. Yes, I'm going to lean on you.

No, I don't want to switch. Yeah, yeah. I guess. That's my personality. I'm taking three armrests somehow. Well, this feels like an appropriate next one. Number six, quote, nobody is having fun. This is a hostage situation.

This podcast? This is either like a SoulCycle class or a gangbang. I'm going to say gangbang. I'm going to say porn. I'm going to go Yelp. That is a Yelp review of the CBS Studios. From a taping of

The Late Late Show with James Corden. Who's James Corbin? Don't worry, you're never going to find out. Who's James Corbin? Don't worry. You're never going to find out. He's basically like Keith cleaned himself up. Yeah. Yeah, but I shaved a little and was like, I don't have to be funny. I'm just kind of cute.

Oh, the guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway? Nope. Okay. Would you guys ever get a neck tattoo? No. No. Like, if you weren't worried about future employment. Like, if comedy was still known.

I haven't gotten a regular tattoo. I haven't gotten a regular. Well, I haven't been able to afford my regular tattoo. What are you getting? I'll tell you. My laundry. I haven't been able to afford my regular tattoo. What are you getting? I'll tell you my laundry. I'm undecided. What's the next segment? It's literally just in old English.

It's going to say, do your laundry. I want to get a shark. Like Bart Simpson over it. I want a shark. There's a poem. What kind of shark? One of the ones that dies. One of the ones with the skateboards.

What was that? A street shark, I think. There's a tattoo I want to get commemorating my grandfather. Boo. That's the shark with the skateboard? That's the llama on the pogo stick. Sorry about your grandfather.

He's been dead for a while now. Okay, then fuck him. Yeah. Okay, that was porn comments or Yelp review, everybody. All right. Well, this thing has flown off the rails. Very reluctantly, we shall return.

Bye. This is my kind of time. Ladies and gentlemen, what's about to happen is a special Mean Boys podcast presentation. We gave Tom Goss 10 minutes to write a sketch for this episode as you may have gathered from listening to the rest of it our brains are melted what he delivered to the table is quite quite quite possibly boys meltdown sketch quite possibly the stupidest thing i have ever read in my life

like it is on a show where the fudge lord has represented the high watermark of creativity. This is the worst sketch we will have ever put on the air. Look, I was just rushing to finish something, and I just want to bring some Christmas joy to your heart. So we made a deal, both because we thought it would be funny and to spare Connor from having to edit a lot of sound effects. Tom is allowed to do this sketch. The caveats to this sketch are as follows.

Number one, Tom has to do every voice in it. Yes. Number two, Tom has to do it in one take with no cuts and no editing. Yes. Number three, there are an impossible amount of misspelled words here. And stage directions, I already know he hasn't figured out how to get around. And number four, I'll be providing the sound effects for the sketch. With his mouth, yeah.

With my mouth. So again, you're getting this in one take. We're going to see what happens. This is a full throttle meltdown, and I cannot stress enough how much this was written in 10 minutes and how bad it is. Yes, yes. And look, I'm very contradictory, and I disagree with Keith on many things. I agree with him on this. Indeed.

We're of the same mind. And I love Tom Thomas provided a lot of great work this week. Look, I'm very contradictory, and I disagree with Keith on many things. I agree with him on this. Indeed. We're of the same mind. And I love Tom Thomas provided a lot of great work this week. They can't all be winners. So with that in mind, sit back, relax as the curtain comes up on the worst sketch ever written. Mean Boys Podcast presents a brief summary of film history. Roadhouse. Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Hey, what's the holdup here? Go around, I live here. Beep, beep. Why is it... All right, we've made three lines in. Why is the house built in the middle of the streets? Because of the mayor and his liberal agenda and lax building codes.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. Look, our house is in the middle of the streets, okay? Mother is in her Sunday dress. And father says he needs a rest. You have to go around. I also like your furniture. Thank you. It's Victorian.

Quick pause here in case anybody didn't get it. The film was Roadhouse, and that was a vignette where a house was in the middle of the road. Correctamundo. Tom, continue. That's not our only... That's not our only... That's not our only film here. This is our Suburban Fight Club. You aren't your job.

You're not your fucking khakis. Oh my god, what are you guys doing? Why are you beating up that stick? It's not a stick. It's a club. And we fight club. Tom. And of course

our favorite episode of The Muppets. I would just like to pause here and point out to the listening audience Tom wrote a sketch called The History of Cinema and the third one is a television show. And it's not like he meant oh i meant the mother movie because he wrote our favorite episode of the muppets oh i i don't know i just feel finish it oh i don't know i just feel like miss piggy might have moved on without

me what do you think, Swedish chef? A pork, a pork, a pork, a pork, a pork, a pork. Fozzie Bear, what are you doing here? Who wants to sodomize me? Waka, waka, waka. Tom, have you ever actually seen an episode of The Muppets? Yeah, when I was a kid. Okay, because you couldn't have done Fozzie Bear worse if you tried. I'm bad at voices.

Yes. So there you go. There it is. Look, was there supposed to be an Omega Tom today? Yes. Is it coming soon? Certainly. But those things take a really fucking long time to edit,

and Connor's going to stab me in the neck. So this is what happened. Tom, how do you feel about what you've done? Oh, I mean, it's a mixture of shame and pride. I hope it's like a very watered-down shame-to-pride ratio. Oh, I mean, I'm just proud of us. You know what I mean? Don't implicate me in what you've done here.

You did a great job with the sound effects. And I'm just, honestly, I need more than 10 minutes to write a sketch, everybody. Well, enjoy the rest of this week's episode with Dan St. Germain.

Quong. No, I'll just do it like, all right, everybody. New Ghost Podcast is back with another round of our favorite game, Witch of the Fall. Woo! All right, everybody. Mean Boys Podcast is back with another round of our favorite game, Witch of the Fall.

This one comes to us from one of our favorite listeners, Mika Pratt. He writes, hey, Mean Boys, here's a Witch of the Fall featuring some of the best press releases and propaganda from my all-time top favorite Koreas. These are North Korean propaganda press releases. Dan, what's going to happen? I'm going to give you four real things. No, four things. One of them's fake. The other three are real.

You've got to pick which one this guy made up. Okay. All right, so which of the following is not something that North Korea claims happened? A, Kim Jong-il learned to drive at three years old. Okay. B, the soccer coach at the World Cup communicating with Kim Jong-il via an invisible phone. C, starting an ideological study group with the president of the Ethiopian Confederation of Taekwondo. Why do they have their own Taekwondo Federation?

Yeah, that's insane. I don't know that they have their own source of clean water, but they're like, oh, we have a Taekwondo High Council. Or D. Kim Il-sung's great-grandfather invented the 12-string guitar. I'll go with the... Fuck. That's tough. What's smart about this

is you guys, whatever the fake one is, you guys wrote something that was copacetic to the other shit. Yeah, this guy, Mika Pratt wrote this one. Mika Pratt?

So it's all him. Whoever that is. I'm going to go with number three. Number three, Tommy Gus. Number three. Can you read the full Taekwondo one again?

Starting an ideological study group with the president of the Ethiopian Confederation of Taekwondo. Ethiopian Taekwondo? Is there just one guy who does Taekwondo? Yeah, I think it's the Ethiopian one. It's going to be that one. That's so weird.

I guess those are both just two countries that are like super fucked. So there's like, yeah, we can hang out and be mad at everybody. Yeah, I just don't think, I don't think Kim, they give a shit about Ethiopia.

Yeah, well, pardon me, because it could have been like, I feel like there might be talk, because Taekwondo is an Olympic sport,

so there is like Taekwondo federations. It's just weird that Ethiopia would have one, but also, I mean, fuck it. We've gotten way too serious

about this one. Okay, I got it. I'm going to say the 12-string guitar one. Yeah, I'm going to go with the invisible phone soccer match one. The fake one, D. He did not invent the 12-string guitar, according to Korea. Nice.

Number two, which is the following, is something North Korea claims happened. So we're looking for the real one here. He's going switcheroo on us. Kim Il-sung buying President Jimmy Carter's peanut farm to serve as a military foothold within America. B, the Korean national soccer team losing a world... The habitat for erasing humanity. Yeah. The Korean national soccer team losing a World Cup game to every player being struck by lightning.

Okay. That's something they claimed happened. C, Kim Jong-un personally winning every track and field event at the 2010 Olympics. Or D, Kim Il-sung's face being engraved on the dark side of the moon after his death. 100% it's got to be the moon one. I think it's three. Then he won everything in the 2010 Olympics?

That's the fake? Wait. That's the one that they claimed happened. The other three they didn't. We're looking for the real one. Oh, the one that they claimed happened. Yeah. Oh.

What's the second one again? They lost the World Cup because everybody got struck by lightning. I'm going that one. I'm going to go with that one, yeah. All right, that was the one. Yay! Nicely done. You're showing it at these games.

I know. It's a lucky day for me. Yeah. All right, guys. Moving into round number three, which is the following. Is something North Korea claims happened? A, Kim Jong-un's great-grandfather speaking his first words several seconds after having been born. B. Kim Jong-un

being able to conjure lightning storms dragged through the sky by omnipotent sparrows at will. That's how he got the soccer team. C. Kim Jong-il briefly raising the dead after his death so they two could mourn. So he brought him back to life just to be bummed? Yeah. At what point do they

just think Kim jong-il was dracula like sketchy vampire powers and uh finally d the north korean national soccer team only being tested positive for steroids due to deer musk gland medicine they took to treat lightning strikes the fucking soccer team sucks dude yeah it's like what is this what's real yeah which one is real they really seem invested in the performance of their soccer team. They are. Dude, countries use sports as propaganda. Yeah.

Like, well, North Korea is hard to learn about this shit. We're like, yeah, if you go over and you lose, when you come back, they just kill you. Yeah. And with that logic, I'm going to say A. Yeah, I'm going to go with A. What was B again? B was Kim Jong-un being able to conjure lightning storms. Yeah, I think it's A.

I think it's the talking. The fake one, D. Really? They claimed that their soccer team was using steroids because of a deer musk fucking testing issue. I swear I thought that I've heard that they thought that... It doesn't matter. All right. I thought he could talk when he was a baby.

That's like Genghis Khan being bored with a a pussy blood clot in his hand like Super Metal style that they believe is a tetuan or whatever. I think that's the guy from Akira, but whatever. It doesn't matter. Number four.

All right. All Kim Jong-il's birth edition. Which of the following is not something North Korea claims happened when Kim Jong-il was born? A. A new star appearing in the heavens

to illuminate the sky. Oh, God. B. A double rainbow spontaneously appearing. This is something that didn't happen. Which one they believe didn't happen. Which one do you believe didn't happen? Yeah, is not something they claimed happened.

C, the clouds rearranging to form his name and the name of all of his future descendants. Or D, a sparrow turning winter into spring instantaneously. What's the B? B was a double rainbow spontaneously appearing. And A? D, I'm going to say D. A was a new star appearing in the heavens to illuminate the sky. This is what didn't happen.

Yeah, this is what didn't happen. I didn't know that they also thought he was magic. I just thought they thought he was handsome and cool. Yeah, no, that's a real thing. They tell people that he has crazy fucking magic powers and he can do everything. This stuff, people really believe it in North Korea. What was the sky writing one? Which letter?

Oh, that was C. I'm going to say C. Okay. Oh, it's C. Okay. It is C. Yeah. Oh, shit.

My ex worked for a North Korean nonprofit, so I was getting all the skinny, weird North Korean shit for a while. She's like, I want to see what doing something bleak in the States is like. I was once roommates with a Korean. From the top one or the south? Congrats. Fled from the south. You don't flee from the south.

You just leave. He's probably a fucking child molester. Yeah, if you're fleeing from South Korea, you're not a refugee. You just killed somebody. The Roman Polanski of Korea. Yeah, he was kind of an asshole. But yeah, I learned a lot about North Korea. But it was in broken English, and that's why I think I've gotten a couple of these wrong.

So he communicated to you in your native tongue, which is broken English. Correctamundo. I don't know what you are. All right, round number five. Mercifully, all real or all fake. North Korea erecting fake luxury condos on the DMZ to attract South Korean defectors. B, North Korea constructing a $900 million mausoleum to hold Kim Jong Il's corpse. All real or all fake? These all happen or not happen.

North Korea claiming that frozen lakes cracked open in snowstorms formed to mark the death of Kim Jong Il. Dude, there's a lot of fucking weird poetic nature shit where the mountains themselves wept tears of boulders. Yeah, they're obsessed with the weather and all this weird... They actually have a really good creative writing program.

Or $5 words for a country with a net worth of $5. North Korea producing a two-hour film of Kim Jong-il riding a horse which went on to be the most popular film

in the DPRK that year. I think I saw that. Or like clips of it. No, you saw Dad did punch up on that actually. You saw War Horse. That'll be my next job. I'm staff writing.

I thought No, I think I've seen clips of that. Okay, so It's all real. All to say all real. That'll be my next job. I'm staff writing. I thought, no, I think I've seen clips of that. Okay, so anyone? All real? All real. All real? Yeah, I think I saw clips. They're all real, guys.

Hey! We did it. Where would you have been watching clips of the North Korean horse movie? YouTube. I feel like that's the least disturbing clip he's watched. Of a horse, yeah. Well, yeah, I'm sorry we're not. He's not watching this as us every night.

Yeah, I'm sorry we're not marathoning Burger King meth disasters. What do you think I'm doing the second we're done recording? The reason I give you guys shit is just looking at younger versions of myself. Oh no, this is future. Keith, this is for you. I'm going to close my own loop in the bathroom.

That's sad for both of us. Sad for everybody. How old are you? 33. Same age as Jesus. Same level of us. I know. Four years for everybody. How old are you? 33. Oh. Same age as Jesus. Yeah. Yeah.

Same level of accomplishment. Same level of accomplishment. Yeah. Yeah. All right, guys. That's it. The show is brought to you by Don Carlos Taco Shop in La Jolla, California. It's the last time.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not doing it if you're doing that. I'm not doing it. I will turn this podcast around. Guess what? The food is delicious. It's right by the La Jolla Comedy Store,

and they've been a longtime sponsor of Me and Boys. So go to eataburrito.com if you want to learn more about a burrito restaurant. And nope, nope, nope, nope. Don't say anything. Don't say no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nope, nope, nope. Don't say anything. Don't say no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Okay, what's mic is yours? Okay, I think that's your mic.

Oh, burrito centers forever. There's my mic. You guys, you don't have mics anymore. I'm covering my mic, so I can't hear either of you. Shut up! Go to eataborito.com. Burrito salad lives forever! Keith just drooled all over his Gengar shirt, trying to bother me.

I know what I did! And you guys all shut the fuck shut your fat fucking mouths. Open them up and put a burrito in there and fucking keep them shut. No one can hear what you're saying. I've muted your mics. Meat! I've staged a coup, okay? Bacon burrito!

Eat it, Don Carlos. I'm turning this off. And the Mean Boys podcast. Fuck shit. Let's try that again. No, keep it. All right, cool. And the Mean Boys podcast Fuck shit Let's try that again No keep it Alright cool And the Mean Boys

Come back Mean Boys podcast Is back with questions From the mailbag We ask you guys For questions They are retarded Sarah Reed asks

If you had to go The rest of your life Without getting a hard on Or pooping from your mouth Which would you choose? Wait I don't understand So like If I don't get a boner

You either can never Get a boner Or you have to take a dump out of your mouth. I think we just did that for 45 minutes, so I'm going to say dumped out the mouth. I'm already at the first one. What kind of taste buds do I have? Is it the current taste buds? Yeah, you don't get a special poop tongue. All right, well, we have an episode title at least. Special poop tongue.

I think I could finish destroying my taste buds, but I can't rebuild a dick. I got to go shit face. Yeah, what I'm doing is I'm just going to eat sour candy from the movie theater so my tongue is completely fucked and can't taste anything. Yeah. You smoke. You must have this. Since you've destroyed most of your taste buds,

do you have a new affinity for one of those feet-smelling, tasting cheeses? Because I thought they're delicious. What? You know what it is about the way you talk? You don't know... Every word sounds like the end of a sentence. So we're all like, is this the same sentence?

Are you done? Are you just beginning? I don't know what's going on. Let's just summarize that. Since you smoke cigarettes, do you want to eat foot cheese? It's like when you're reading a book, but you're falling asleep while you're doing it. I do that all the time. You do not read books all the time.

I read a fuck ton. It's like you learned English while you were falling asleep. What is the last thing you read that was not the back of a Captain Crunch box that you were perplexed by? I think it was Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. I've definitely read more than you two combined. I've read such Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. I've definitely read more than you two combined. I've read such an insane amount of books throughout my life.

Tom, why are you still like this? Because I have very few things to be proud of. What's your favorite book? Oh, that's a good question. The pamphlet your guidance gave you after you tried to kill yourself in ninth grade.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that was a lot of good guesses. I don't know if I have a favorite book. It's the one I'm writing in blood in the basement. Yeah, I mean. You all die at the end. I love, yeah. My favorite piece of literature is probably The Pillow Man by Martin McDonough.

Oh, yeah, he's great. Yeah, he's fucking awesome. You think I wrote a play about your body? No, it's a book about like child murder in writing. Okay. It's very good.

Nice. It's great. Martin McDonough's great. Oh, he's fantastic. Yeah, yeah. I'm a bit of a theater lunt. Oh, yeah, no, I did theater. So you don't know what I'm talking about of a theater lunt Oh yeah I did theater So you don't know what I'm talking about

With the cheese thing I mean I No not even a little bit Paige Wesley wants us to ask Dan What kind of conditioner does he use I use Pantene Pro-V Nice there you go Paige Now you can have hair like this

Sounds like a disease Pantene Pro-V Now you too can look like you, Sex Panther. That sounds like a disease. Pantene Pro-V? Yeah. Now you, too, can look like you sell magic tonics out of a wagon. It's not the worst I've gotten. Caleb Terry asks, what is the worst time you saw someone else bomb? Feel free not to name names. What is the gnarliest bomb you've ever seen? i gotta i gotta go with myself 15 minutes ago i one one of my favorite bobs was uh there was a there was a bar in san clemente called knuckleheads

that i used to do as a mic i don't know if you two ever went there yeah oh you did okay and uh uh one time there was a comic on stage and uh ramsay he they had a dare off and basically this comic went up and just was like i'm canadian fuck america blah blah blah and then the whole audience just lost their minds because they didn't realize it was a joke like they almost rushed the stage they started chanting usa uh they started to hate crime against canada yeah like they were they were no no he said he was from Canada and hates America yeah that's what I'm saying oh yeah and then one of the

favorite lines you can there's a video of it where you hear someone go two days before the 4th of July are you kidding me like it was just fucking

it was it was pretty funny mine was I was doing a bringer show at the Bray Improv a few years back and there was this guy who was

sort of like a local in the Orange County scene, and he was super autistic, and he was a prop comic. Oh, I have stories with him, too. He brings this duffel bag of props on stage, does his, like... Somebody's just stealing Dan's car right now. I hope that's not my car. It's probably not mine, right?

I hope not. I'll go investigate. You guys, you tell this guy to investigate. Silver Honda Civic? Yeah. Yeah, but he's got this whole, like, duffel bag of props. He goes up, he does a 10-minute set. Eat shit.

All right, never mind. There he goes. Yeah, they stole it. It's just gone now. Eat shit. But the worst part is he's scattered these props to the wind. So, like, as the host is coming, he has to just, like, to silence, go gather his, like, action figures. That's awesome. Yeah, it was to just, to silence, go gather his action figures. That's awesome.

Yeah, it was just real, real depressing. Mine is probably Jamar Neighbors. Where do they used to do What's Up Tiger? Hollywood Bar and Grill. They're shooting a rap music video there, and they just added a book stand-up beforehand. And for some reason, it was me and a bunch of shitty IE comics that I drove out with. And then Jamar Neighbors. And Jamar goes up, and two deafening silences,

just like, Trayvon Martin, man, how long you got to wait to ask his mom for your hoodie back because he borrowed it or something like that. It was just the greatest. Oh, man. You got one? I mean, I've had so many bad ones. I mean, as far as my friends, like watching my friends bomb, like I'll do two.

Like my friend Kevin Barnett was hilarious. One time we were at the pit and we were all on the show. We all bombed. I bombed horribly, everybody. But he was bombing. And you had just seen me bomb and then the comic before that bomb. And he was on stage and he was bombing. But he was bombing, and you had just seen me bomb, and then the comic before that bomb. And he was on stage, and he was bombing, and he goes, no, fuck that.

I'm going to the audience. So he jumps off the stage and starts doing material more aggressive, and then he bombed even worse. It's just hilarious to see somebody like jump. Bombing Lion King style. I'm doing it in high gear, and then it's even worse. I've never seen someone, I've seen so many people try to deal with bombing by going to the audience, and I've never seen it work out ever.

It never works out. Walk into the audience? Yeah, walk into the audience. I've never seen it improve the situation. Well, the logic is just like, yeah, they already don't like me, but what if I was closer to them? Yeah. And then Mike Lawrence has one where he did this thing. It was an open mic.

We're all there. It was me, Mark Norman, a few other people, and he did MC Lawrence. I'm sorry, what? He started rapping about STD perfection. And it was like one of those things where it was silent the whole time, and then when the rap was done, there was a pause, and then we're like, laughing harshly at him. And then afterwards, I remember we were in the lobby. He lobby he goes well at least i tried i tried something there's that and then the one that he saw me bomb horribly so i'll give mike

that as we were at this uh open mic at five points downtown and mike went up and i think he did pretty good i forgot what it was and then but it was was but it was really demeaning already because me and Mike didn't have a manager and we didn't have anything going on and there was this, the one person was killed was this it was a chihuahua in a fucking, in like a beauty pageant after the dance of the Beverly Hills theme

the Beverly Hills cop theme and I remember Mike walked into the bathroom and the guy the guy who owned the fucking dog was like forcing like pants over it, over the sink. It was like the most horrifying thing. But then I went on stage and I was sort of fucking bombing already with my shitty stuff. And then there was a huge Hello Kitty helmet. So I decided to put that on

and then talk in an Asian accent to Asians. Fucking silence. And there's something so horrifying about hearing silence and then slowly lifting a giant Hello Kitty mask to reveal a bunch of angry Chinese people. Honestly, when I see someone

in a giant Hello Kitty mask, I imagine that person looks like you, Dan. Exactly. I feel like it's usually... And then we got off stage and then we noticed that old guy was giving fucking...

His name was, I think, Han Fane or I don't know what the fucking name of the dog was. But he was giving him... And we realized that that dog

had a manager and we did. Oh, that dog had lapped us in the career. See, that was a rough night. Oh, man. Lapped you in the career and lapped up some water. That's how dogs drink.

How's that for a riff? Fucking brutal. Most of my worst bombs, they aren't interesting stories. It just ends with people threatening me. But there's no like, that's really funny. That's mundane for you, Tom. Yeah. And I have one more quick thing I want to read before we wrap it up.

This comes to us from, where is her name? Hetaira on the Patreon. We talked about cannibalism with Kyle Clark on Wednesday and whether or not we would eat a person if offered up. And she wanted to point out that human flesh tastes salty. I once knew a person who would hold piercing parties with a group of friends, and they would cook up the tiny bits of skin and cartilage. So apparently we are not alone. There are cannibals who listen to the show. Can you tell her that wasn't a question, and you're a weirdo?

Well, we had a big debate about whether or not you would eat human flesh if it was offered to you in a non-creep-ass way. And I was the only one who said no. Yeah, well, me and Kyle way too quickly agreed we would. I just figured at this point I don't want to be left out. Because, yeah, short version, I was at a party where it was like a BDSM party,

and they cooked part of a lady and fed it to people. Was she dead? No, she was alive. It was like a chunk of her leg. And the question is, if you're in that situation, do you eat the leg? I mean, like, some things shouldn't be accepted. More like welcomed in our society. Probably, and Keithith you left this out

probably probably the worst part about that was that that cannibal had a manager and the cannager no pa agent she's getting like leg bookings jesus christ keith what are you doing eating people at a bdsm party that was also one of the higher paying gigs i've done this year so oh you didn't stand up you were there to fuck. No, no, no. Oh, that's different. I mean, you know. Did you fuck? No, not that. Not that? No. You're like, I just ate the meat.

I didn't eat the meat. I came for the hors d'oeuvres. I was busy at the barbecue part of this function. Yeah, you got out of the part where Keith only didn't eat it because they didn't have ranch to dip it in. Yeah, can we get a nacho fondue fountain for me to tip this lady in? Fountain. Fountain. Shut up. A fondue fountain nacho fondue Fenton for me to tip this lady in? Fenton.

A fondue Fenton. Well, guys, Dan. Hey, thanks for having me. Sorry, anything to plug? Sorry, when's this coming out? Tomorrow. I would say December 27th. I'm going to be recording my album at The Stand in New York City at 8 and 10.

Yeah, we got New York people. Go see Dan. Come see me, and then I'm also and 10. Yeah, we got New York people. Go see Dan. Go see Dan, yeah. Come see me. And then I'm also in people in Madison, Wisconsin. I'm recording the album as well, January 4th through 6th at Comedy Club on State. We've got a bunch of Madison people put out sign-up for our email list. So go out and see Dan. He's great. Please.

Go see me. Honestly, we own one. So if you could do us a solid here. And watch Superior Donuts. It's the show Dan writes for. Well, don't bring that up after the eating human flesh thing. I was leaving that out to try to... You wanted a corporate protection vote.

After all the kind words about the CBS broadcasting company. It was just the one lady. Yeah, you shit on earlier. Shit on a CBS show. We'll fight about this off air. All right. I don't think we'll fight. I think you'll defend yourself while not making eye contact

and I'll probably win. I don't understand why you're such good friends with Mike Lawrence. It doesn't make any sense to me. Me and Mike are really mean to each other. Yeah.

All right. That's our show. All right, that's it. Fuck everything. God is dead. God is dead. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm

I'm I'm I'm