Men At Work Podcast - How To Properly Fire Your Coworker w/ John Montague

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

Pagan is a-wall this episode! So Matty has his version of Gary Vaynerchuck guest host I’m John Montague. John is a comedian and career salesman ranging from med device sales to selling you the slowest internet money is forced to buy. We talk about falling in love at a sales dinner, firing your coworker and being a work from home dad and the college sophomore diet that comes with it. Check out John’s comedy @montaguecomedy This episode is brought to you by Thrive Flower! Thrive sells real cannabis products outside of the medical system. They have 9 strains of flower, 6 strains of pre rolled joints, 4 strains of vapes, gummies, and lemonades. They are the first and only company offering same day cannabis delivery within Philly. Order your cannabis at https://thriveflower.com/ and it will be delivered in about an hour. Use code menatwork15 for 15% off orders. Simply choose “same day delivery” during checkout. This applies for Philly residents ONLY. About Us: The Men At Work Podcast asks one question: What do you do for work? After that the conversation flows from there. We’ve met substitute teachers, Bangladeshi t-shirt moguls, a real estate broker tight with LeBron James, and more. And we’ll record anywhere. Random sidewalks during an eclipse, a baseball game, a bar crawl, casino, and more. We like to find out what people do for a living. If you want us to come to your event email us at: [e-mail] APPLE: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast... SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/4XcFWt0... If you want more bonus content from every episode check out our Patreon:   / menatworkpod   *If you subscribe to the Patreon consider subscribing on a desktop or website or an android device, NOT THROUGH iOS (Apple) APP. Apple takes 30% of every month you're subscribed (yea they suck). Follow Us: The Pod:   / menatpodcast    / menatpod   Follow Matt:   / mattpeoplescomedy    / mattpeoplescomedy   Follow Kyle: Instagram:   / kylepagancb   TikTok:   / kylepagancb   Follow Vito: https://www.instagram.com/vito_visual...

going for my promotions and shit so i was like i don't think i'm like looking for me talking shit or like making fun of the job and they say that and it's i get that more and more now where like my co-workers come up and uh it's on you're live yeah my co-workers will come up and like in the office be like hey what was what's wrong with the way people from delco talk because they've seen that video of me like making fun of like delco accents right like they come up to me with the same accent of like yay what's up with the Delco thing? You got a problem with the way we talk?

Yeah, you don't know nothing about us, dude. I'm like, do you want to record and play it back to you, dude? My pop-up's mama was one of the family people from Delaware County.

Oh, speaking of my pop-up, pop-up, RIP, the man's gone. Oh, you lost the pop? Yeah, the guy's gone. Was it a good run? It was a run. Like, no, 43 years old.

It was crazy. Great. Two things I can't talk about on the side of the podcast is my grandfather dying and my job. But we're golden, dude. You can talk about it.

He's not going to come back. Well, my family's going to see it. It's all right. This one's in memory. At the end, we'll have it fade to black and it's going to say in memoriam.

Fade to black. He was black, so that makes it a little bit better. I would like to find out that I had some kind of black lineage. I'd like to find out that you had some kind of black lineage. I'd like to find out that you had some kind of black lineage too.

Well, I'm always running late. I've been dying for a black friend so it would be nice to know that I already have one. Yeah, you can just get one. Nobody's really prepared yet. I'm trying so hard. That has been an age-old problem

with our guest of the day, Johnny Montag. Now, look, thanks for tuning in, guys, to the MettaWork podcast. We have a bit of a change up here. Kyle is taking his birthright to Hanover, Pennsylvania. He's traveling to Mecca in order to fulfill his duties and deeds as a Delco resident.

So in his place, I have my good buddy, John Montag, comedian, podcaster, long hair, Johnny Boy. What's going on in your house? Pretty much just as tall as Kyle, too. Same exact height as Kyle. I like to think he was bringing too much height to the show. Well, I'm tall, too. We can level it. You know, I feel like you brought me on to make you feel taller.

Yes. You know what I mean? That's why I haven't been friends with you. You've been living in the shadows of Kyle for the last year. The shadows of Kyle. That's a book coming to stores next month. Shadows of Kyle sounds like a sick album from an emo band, too. We were talking to my buddy earlier today, and my buddy was one of those guys.

Why are you sitting in the comfortable chair? It's on the floor. Sorry. That's how I do it. Yeah. Vito off camera. No, we still have Vito here, dude. Monica Levitsky is still hanging tight.

He already fulfilled his birthright as a Delconian. But yeah, Kyle will be out for this week and next. So we're going to have some fun guys hanging out. And my boy John, you're going to love him, dude. He's got the charisma of a salesman because he is a slimy salesman. I mean, I wouldn't say slimy. Oh, and Johnny Boy was on the podcast before, too. Thank you to our faithful producer.

John has been on before very briefly when we were doing some of those terrifying podcasting of just people running up to us. It was so entertaining watching you guys. Because that was one of your first ones that you did outside of a stadium, right? The Phillies one? Yeah, one of the first two. Yeah, and just to watch the absolute underage drunk kids that wanted to get onto the podcast. Well, that's all we got.

They're just fighting to get on. You're like, wow, we have three minutes of content now that you can use. We were so early in the pod that I was like, do we have to check IDs before every single interview? Vita should just be a bouncer, just like checking IDs. You should. If the girl's hot enough, he's like, get in there, good, you're good. You can check my ID. I'm 6'2", I'm my ID.

Are you really? Yeah, I lied. As a joke for me. And then the lady just put it on. I was at the DMV and they were like, height. I was like, let me see if she even checks this. 6'2. I'm clearly every bit of maybe six foot.

Bro. 5'11 at its strongest. Do not say it was a joke. You did it. No, 100%. I don't give a shit about height. Height's for weird people. I'm all about hair these days.

Yeah, you got to shave. Anyone can be tall, dude. nobody can grow their hair long um yeah the old lady was just like sounds good i just stamped it on my id six foot two jesus six foot two salesman extraordinaire did you pose in the picture i feel like you're the type of guy trying to get a little debonair no i've been i nailed it the last couple times on license pictures though i had a i had a really fat face one i'll send you a picture of it. Side by side of my two old licenses is incredible because I had, like, one when I was, like, 24 years old, first job out of college, drinking five nights a week. Yeah.

Just bloated. I had my tie, like, loosened in the picture. I think I was drunk at the DMV. Let's go. And then the next one, like, four or five years later was, like, after getting in the gym, getting like jacked and like respecting myself a little bit. Two totally different people. But I think I nailed it in my last two license pictures. I've got to get one soon.

I have short hair in all my licenses. Yeah, you've got to make sure you have long hair. That's actually funny. Now I'm thinking about John is the first person that I saw got fat bullied into getting sober. One comedian at a roast called him a little chub. By the way, he called him a compliment. One comedian at a roast called him a little chub. By the way, he called him a compliment.

He called him a chubby Ken. So he's still saying you're handsome like a mythological figure. Yeah. But John heard chubby and was like, I'm quitting drinking

for the rest of my life. And yeah, over two and a half years, no booze now. Yeah, can you talk? Like, I can't believe that that's... Somebody like me and John have been doing comedy together

for a while. Can I talk about it? Yeah. Can you legally talk about bettering your life? Yeah, is that okay? I don't want our listeners to think you're a pussy. No, I gave up drinking. It didn't change anything for the better.

At work, I'm not any better of an employee. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it turns out I was the piece of shit all along. It wasn't the alcohol. Well, that's what's tough. My cousin was saying that you can't... He's an attorney, and he was like,

you cannot tell other attorneys that you stopped drinking because they immediately assume you had a horrifically bad problem oh that's that i mean that's half of my material now it's just become like everyone's so concerned when i say i gave up drinking and it's like i beat drinking it was weird like i i got out with no duis that's incredible you wrote me a few rides that should have been different stories a couple times that I was holding a white claw on John's car we're both not our best selves

and I was like you shouldn't be doing this right now dude you shouldn't be doing this but we gotta get to Harrisburg Pennsylvania it was never just a short drive

it was always like we gotta drive for two and a half hours so we might as well have a few claws you know liven it up a little bit loosen up

go do a show for shout out Tyler Rothrock in front of a bunch of fat angry Pennsylvanians. They just stared at me. No, that was a Harrisburg show.

That wasn't Tyler. Tyler's a Scranton-Milkesbury guy. Oh, we went out there too, yeah. Different direction. Yeah, you're right though. We did go that way. Yeah, but like the sober thing, like going, being in sales. I feel like you guys got a schmooze by being like, hey, we'll have a couple cocktails.

So it used to be that way because I used to do like, I used to do really high end sales for med device. Yeah. And that was like, take surgeons out to dinner, get them a steak, get them a good drink, like drinking with the guys after being at the hospital all day kind of thing. Like that one was a lot of booze. Now working remote made being a sales rep and and not having to be an alcoholic so much easier because it is like there's so many people i've seen no one calls there i'm like it's

friday i'm like you're that guy's half in the bag yes so like it definitely has cut it out but i still i do have to travel and like go to stuff every once in a while so it's like i have to fake drink almost like i have to not fake drink but like in my mind i have to be like all right how loose would i be right now three drinks in yes kind of thing yeah and then it just ends up being me awkward in a corner not talking to anybody going back to my room early and just going to sleep yeah but that's the other thing it's probably better because if i i've always thought about like when you've told me the salesman stories i'm like if i took somebody on like a sales business meeting to like go get dinner and drinks,

guy or girl by the end would be like, are we going to fuck? Yeah. Well, that was always the thing. Like I always made sure when I brought, when I had the med device job, I would bring like groups of people because I was like I don't want this to be weird. If it was like a big time surgeon or something, I'd go out to like a good dinner. But like we would throw throw educational dinners. It's all loophole stuff.

The government outlawed us being able to just give surgeons and doctors. Basically, in the early 90s, they were taking doctors to Hawaii for golf trips. And then on the flight back, they'd be like, here, hold this medical device so that we can say that we tried to sell you it, like, blah, blah blah blah to like check a box basically oh it's that's is it really it used to be that way where you're just like i'm taking you out just so you pick up like there's no so it would no i mean the i will say like i worked with orthopedic surgeons and they'll always do what is best for the patient like yeah and most

companies all their products are almost the same thing. There's just little nuances that are different in each. Yeah. So, like, you would take a surgeon. This is, again, like back in the early 90s, I would hear stories about, they're like, oh, I heard a company, it took like 10 surgeons to Wyoming and they went like on a ranch and hunted and everything. Jesus. And then when they flew them back, he agreed to use more of their product, basically.

So, that's why the government came in and put the Sunshine Act into effect. Why do they make it so beautiful? It's so beautiful, but it also sounds racist for some reason. How? You know where sundown towns? That's a whole other thing you can get into. It's a whole other bag of hammers? This is all over the internet right now.

So sundown towns are towns that no longer let black people live there. They still don't let black people live there. There's like these ones scattered all over the country. Was it Hadfield, New Jersey? Yeah, pretty much. But like through like regulation and like different things, they like nudge people out from living there. Dude, look it up. You can do a whole episode on this probably.

How do they nudge people? I don't know how you work into men at work. There's somebody working there to keep black people out of like rural Nebraska towns. towns why dude i think it's called sundown towns but anyway sunshine act sunshine act basically like limited you from ever spending money on like i couldn't give a surgeon like a pen with my company's name on it because if my competitor saw it he could then call this like anonymous hotline and just be like yo i saw john give. So-and-so like free blah, blah, blah for like no reason. So then there was always loopholes where it was like you had to give, if I wanted to take

people out to a dinner, it would also be like an educational thing. So like residents who were doctors that were learning how to become surgeons, I'd take them out and they would get to just like practice with the instrumentation and everything. I would get like a Bucca de Beppo or somewhere random like that. Is that the name of the doctor? Yeah, Dr. Buga de Beppo. Dr. Buga de Beppo Patel. Great orthopedic surgeon.

He did my knees. But I would like have to take them out, rent out like a whole banquet room at a restaurant and set up, they're called saw bones. It's these big fake bones. And just let these residents just drill and saw into these things and just butcher them like absolute animals.

And then on top of that it would be like drinks and dinner and everything. So because it was educational it wasn't me just buying them dinner. So it was like

weird loopholes like that that I had to tiptoe around. So it would be like work all day five days a week and then three nights a week I'd have to go do that. Yeah. Where you're like, that sounds incredible. You're like, I'm just fucking

tired. Like, I just want to go to bed. Yeah. I don't want to drink old fashions with a smart, old white guy anymore. Yeah. I don't know when's the evening. Like having a profession where it's just keeping up conversations sounds like a fucking nightmare. Now granted, I mean, we do this podcast and we've talked as a real, but it's things you want to talk about. So my thing is like I've been a sales rep for 15 years now and I've never sold a thing I really cared about. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like there are like, I guess the dream jobs of like, oh, if I could sell things that I'm actually into. But then like, how do you sell stand up comedy?

How do I sell a podcast? I'm like, I just have to do stand up comedy. I just have to do a podcast. You almost almost sold baseball bats which has got to be a little Jays dream I it still is I you think I don't log on to that company's LinkedIn daily and just see if they posted our jobs bro I think we dodged a bullet if I would have seen you making like YouTube shorts and Instagram reels of you being like this one's pure maple and they're like you trying to hit a ball how much that like I just want that I just want to talk about grain reels of you being like this one's pure maple and then like you trying to hit a ball you don't

understand how much that like i just want that i just want to talk about grain counts of a maple bat not really even maple anymore the people are i think going back more actual but uh if i could just talk baseball bats all day dude i'd be that happy i'm already a pretty happy person dude i would show up at your job and put you in a headlock if i saw you talking maple with another random person talking maple another good album name. Talking maple. Welcome back to Talking Maple. Good podcast.

Talking maple. I don't know. But then I always worry about that. Like, if you did do something that is your thing you love, like you love thrifting and stuff like that. Yo, don't put that out there. I mean, you know, everyone knows you're gay. Everyone has seen the progression of your outfit. Go back to our old podcast and watch the progression of Matt's outfits throughout the years. Gorgeous, hot, sexy, beautiful. Yeah.

I mean, pants got looser. Pants got looser. Hair got longer. I appreciate that. I respect that. I'm getting a cut tomorrow, but shave. What were we just talking about? Yeah. Do you think like you could open a, would you like opening a store to sell secondhand stuff no because i'm so like i'm i'm like impressively lazy where i could sell something that i absolutely adore and i know inside and out and if i had to do it for two weeks straight i would put a gun in my mouth in public i can't do i can't be made to do anything when it comes down to it like sales is mostly just emailing people over and over again until they finally answer you that's what what I'm saying. The whole process. That's most of what my job is.

The whole process is too sexy. It's not. Sending follow-up emails. It's the exact opposite. It's the least sexy. If you really look at it, sales used to be like, let's go have a bourbon at lunch and then close the sales. Everyone thinks it's like Mad Men.

Yeah. But it's mostly me in sweatpants and just different polos every day. Yeah, it's Sad Men. Yeah. I could totally see that. But, like, I don't think that's the problem, though. It's like then you – I always live with that fear of, like, what if I did get to sell the things I love the most? Then I would maybe start to hate those things.

Yeah. Like, I almost landed a job selling for, like, it was a big nationwide promotion company, and it would have been related to comedy yeah right so it would have been basically like selling advertising for comedy real vaguely but then i wonder like if i had to do that every day would i start to hate comedy yeah you know i mean like you just get overwhelmed by it so you can't sell so i wonder if like epstein got sick of like i mean they say do what you love you never day in your life. He lost his love for the game. After a little bit of... He had to have, yeah.

He had to have been like, God, another plane full of kids. He had to tell... I hate to say this, and obviously Jeffrey Epstein, bad guy. And we'll take a public stance on that on this podcast. But at some point he had to tell Ghislaine at one point being like, it just feels like a job now. Yeah. You know, the passion's not there anymore.

It's not there. You know, the passion's not there anymore. It's not there. You know what would be interesting? Numbers. They came out recently with, like, how many Uncrustables an NFL team will eat in a week. How many Uncrustables do you think they're going through on Epstein Island? Yo. Hello, Kyle. What are you doing?

Nothing. Sitting here watching the game. Smoking some Thrive. Are you all alone? Waza! Waza! Who's that? Yo, pick up the phone!

Waza! Waza! Waza! Waza! Yo, Cheeto, pick up the phone! Yo! Waza! Waza! Waza! Waza! Waza! What you doing son nothing just chilling killing true true

dude the uncrossed bunch had to be the budget for the the dumb tweens that they had in there victims i mean yeah but they're i'm saying like they're they're still like a dumb tweens that they had in there. Don't call them dumb tweens. Victims. I mean, yeah, but I'm saying they're still like a dumb tween brain. They're like, I want nothing but string cheese. I say this and all I eat is string cheese and Uncrustables right now. But I have two kids. I have an excuse. My house is stocked with them.

Yeah, you do kind of eat like a chubby kid at a pool party. Dude, I'll tell you this. Working from home, I am the king of snack combinations now. Yeah, that's a good point. Working from home snacks. Dude. Give us the rundown. I crush it, working from home, I am the king of snack combinations now. Yeah, that's a good point. Working from home snacks. Dude. Get this to run down. I crush it on work from home snacks now.

Sure. Because I also now have the mix of like kids snacks that are in the house. I have a four-year-old and a newborn. So like there's like little wafers that are meant for like babies that are teething. Yeah. Those things are delicious. They've got to be so good. I mean, salt is hell.

Like you start to get, yeah're so they melt your man it's like a it literally it is almost a consistency of uh the eucharist when you're at uh mass yeah and praise be but shut up we just made you the most catholic podcast in philadelphia dude we've been the most catholic but like it's almost that consistency you take those with like uh maybe a the other day i was mixing that with fruit strips that is almost like a healthy version of uh fruit by the foot yeah and then tossing some beef jerky in there too so you get the first one you know it's on a fruit by the foot i don't i don't do the beef you toss that beef jerky in there beef jerky with like a nice fruit snack insanely delicious sultry sultry not sultry salty it's so fucking sexy honestly eating a fruit by the foot is the sexiest thing you do

just watching it slowly slip into your mouth on a sales call just nodding with fruit by the foot slowly shortening into my mouth you're like this one has tongue tattoos stick your tongue out of the zoom call i don't know how. I eat a lot of hummus. I'm a big pretzel chip and hummus guy all day long. You feel good about yourself when you eat hummus though.

No, you eat a protein lacking diet, dude. No. I'm a big protein guy. You eat like a sexy college girl. I do. I do now.

That actually is exactly how you eat. Sexy college girls eat unfulfilling snacks and hummus and pretzels. Throw it back up after a little bit. If you work from home

you're going to find out you eat like a beautiful college sophomore. I'm like a 24 year old hummingbird. You're a hummus bird dude. Hello folks. Yeah I can't

when I work from home dude I would eat nuts because I wouldn't wake up officially until like 12 p.m. and then I'd be like I really push back my first meal

I'll eat at 2 p.m. and I'd just be like a primo hoag I've really pushed back my first meal. I'll eat at 2 p.m. And it'd just be like a primo hoagie. Then I would sit and feel bad for two hours and the work day's over. Yeah, but you've never had a good diet.

You talk shit on my diet. Your diet's trash. No, I eat good as hell. What are you talking about? Now? Yeah. When did you start eating good?

For my whole life. No. I eat, dude, fibrous. I mean, you eat just for like eating. You eat for like nutrition.

You don't eat to enjoy. No, I eat to enjoy. That's got to be new. Because I feel like for the longest time you were just like, I need to get something into my system. Well, that was so I could go drinking for the most part. See, that's what I think it is. I think you just would be like, let me get down the littlest bit of food so I can have 11 beers. You got to eat to drink.

That's open mic. Actually, you eat like a 21-year-old girl. Yeah, but I eat like the fat one. Like, I had 11 rice cakes today. I'm good to go. Yeah, you eat like the hot college friend, and I eat like her chubby friend who thinks she's just as hot. True. They're both going to get taken home from the bar by somebody. Yeah, well, one's getting a crane lifted out of the bar, and the other one's just going to roll. The other one's getting her steps in. The other one is the step. Yeah, that was a big that's

a that's a there's a big epidemic going on of pretty women surrounding themselves with unattractive women and then the unattractive women it rubs off on them yeah which i guess that happens for dudes too because there's so many guys that you see like i've stopped now that i'm getting towards like my 30s i've stopped going out places but i remember there was like so many times you'd go to like a club or a bar and there's eight dudes all with the same like lined up beard. Yeah. And like a tight fade. And they're all just different iterations and different weight sizes of each other.

Right. And they all think they have the same goal. You know, I can kind of, I can't demonize the ladies that much. It really is probably just as bad with the fellas. Yeah, but that makes it easier for the girls. Like they walk up to that group and it's like they don't care who out of it they're taking home. You know what I mean? The fellas have to walk up and they've got to size up.

They're like, all right, well, there's the funny one. Size up. She's barely fitting into that dress, so she's got a great personality. Yeah. And then there's the dumb one who's going to be the hottest. Yeah, but that's what's getting crazy is I've noticed now for the younger generation as they're getting older into the early 20s, the hots are now becoming smart. Yeah, you can't have that.

That's not fair. That's pissing me off. That's dangerous for society. That's no good. I mean, but then that's where it comes into your profession. The hot smarts are going to get into sales. I've worked with a bunch of people that were pharmaceutical sales reps. And it's funny when you see someone progress through that

and they're just like, then they lose their attractiveness. And then all of a sudden they're no longer working in that industry. And then they're like working internally. Like actually I recruit for pharmaceutical sales now. I'm a consultant. That's the natural evolution. Being a hot salesperson, you just evolve. Into a consultant.

That's the Pokemon you evolve into as a consultant. What would you be a consultant for? Like if you just evolved. Just into a consultant. That's the Pokemon you evolved into as a consultant. What would you be a consultant for if you were to be hired as a consultant? What do you think would be your best consultancy? Laying down. Yeah. Laying down, taking it easy. Anywhere, dude. You point out a spot, I can lay down there.

I just go to people jogging and I'm like, dude, who are you doing this for? True. It's bad on your knees. That's one of my favorite things to do mid-run is go sit somewhere. Dude, that is... I do it all the time. I'm starting to appreciate a park bench so much, dude. The ones that I get now why you see them dedicated to someone's pop-up that died.

There you go. You can buy your pop-up a bench. Okay, thanks. You can buy your pop-up a bench on AdNav. Pop-up bench? Yeah, pop-up bench. I'm so serious. Oh, man.

That's all I want, dude. I just want my name on a plaque in front of a bench one day like I don't care if I make any other kind of dent in this world I want some tired runner to sit down a bench and go huh he liked this a lot I don't want anybody sitting on me if I have a bench I don't want it'll be a bench that no one can sit on you don't lay down and take things in I like to sit and take in the world you take nothing in you, dude. I take everything in. Dude, you don't think I cry at sunsets like crazy? You do cry at sunsets. So much.

Well, that's your dad stuff. Being a dad and being at home all the time, your brain has got to be wet. Oh, well, and I hate the term girl dad, lady father.

Thank you very much. Ew. That's way worse. I know. It's so dirty. Can't you buy them in like Thailand? Lady fathers?

Yeah. I think Trump just outlawed lady fathers in the U.S. And there's going to be no more Lady Fathers there. Too sexy, too tricky. But, dude, my brain has become, I am so inundated with everything princess and girl and everything. Oh, it sucks. Do you try to put any, like, because you're kind of like me.

We're not like macho dudes. I don't think, you don't put any, like, machismo to be like. No. No. Just let her be a lady. Oh, do I want my daughter to have, like, that tomboy in her? Yeah. Yeah, like, I'll do the equal balance of, like, if I'm going to get her a baseball glove,

I'll get her a pink one. So it's like you get your princess thing, but you're also going to come out back and play baseball. We'll make up games, like, we'll be playing soccer in the backyard, and I'll be like, you got to kick the ball in the net or else the princess is going to get out back and play baseball. We'll make up games like we'll be playing soccer in the backyard and I'll be like, you got to kick the ball in the net or else the princess is going to get eaten by the dragon. Scores every time. If I'm just like, go kick the ball in the net, doesn't give a shit about it.

Yeah, you got to keep all the feminine things still kind of like, every princess game you got to make her break a glass ceiling. Oh yeah. This will be you one day. I always have to remind her at the end that if all things go bad, a prince can save you and you don't have to work. Yeah, when it all comes down to it, a guy will fix it. It does.

I will say they've done a better job of, like, because now that I know I'm raising two girls. Canes. Two quains. I have to, like, make sure that, like, I want to make them very self-dependent. Yeah. to like make sure that like I can make I want to make them very self-dependent yeah so like it is nice now that like Disney movies and like princess movies there's a lot less finally Jesus you smell weird enough there's there's a lot less Prince saves the day at the end of Disney movies now yeah so it's like Moana she fucking does everything herself and then Maui

just kind of helps out. So it's nice. Like I can, it's making my parenting easier where I'm like, you don't need no man. Like I'm telling a four year old like,

I-N-D-E-P. Like, they're gonna start, that's all because like, I feel like how modern times are now where like that was like the very kind of like

woke liberally period. Yeah. There's gonna be like sequels to like those female empowerment ones where like the sequel is just like a guy reading the bill to her it's like did you need to buy the surfboard did we need the surfboard yeah it's cute all i want is to raise two daughters that like if someone's like yo do you want to get something to eat they

have a place in mind that's all i want yeah because like it if i can make them be able to order their own food like i don't if I can make them be able to order their own food, like, I don't care about anything else. They have to order their own. I feel like chivalry is going to be

completely dead by the time my kids are old enough to date, right? No. You think it's going to be another wave of it? No, I think it'll actually

go full circle and the women will have to be, like, chivalrous. I think by the time your daughter's a girl... See, I would love a chivalrous daughter. I think that's where we're headed like she's gonna open car doors

for the guy oh yeah yeah he curtsies thank you she holds the umbrella over him and it's not raining i feel like looking at your relationship you have a chivalrous yeah i have a chivalrous i have a chivalrous lad of a girlfriend yeah yeah she's very you just happen to be a big and like imposing guy yeah but i'm still you're dain. I'm very dainty at heart. Yeah, I have none of that. I mean, I used to get embarrassed. A lot of times our furniture, she built this couch that we're sitting on, and I watched her do it with a bag of chips.

I was wearing an apron and all wearing lemonade. Here's the problem. You already have the feminine mindset because you said she built this couch. She put together a couch. No, you can't. There's a big difference. She didn't take fabric. No, now you're. There's a big difference. She didn't take fabric. No, now you're being a lady. Stretch it, size it out.

No, that's what I realized. Women have no idea. Not that I'm like, oh, I fucking know tools and everything. I've seen my wife use a steak knife to do 14 different things around our house outside of eating steak. It's just like a go-to thing where they're like, oh, this thing needs to get

pried off. Let me go grab one of the good serrated steak knives. I'm like, we have a whole garage full of tools that I don't know what they're called, but they're there. I appreciate that, Olive Branch. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. There's a person I just found out that I work with, and they were on a show. It's a little on the nose. The show's called Wives with Knives.

And the guy on the show, I won't say any names or anything, the anything the guy on the show believe it or not got stabbed several times by his wife and apparently the issue was she made them dinner and wanted to like watch tv together while they ate and he took the dinner and went into their bedroom so that just set her off and she went into the bedroom and like hit him a couple times with a steak knife. She thinks you're like, like that? Yeah, one of the quick ones. Yeah, like a nice kind of like

call of duty, like death kill kind of thing. But I just keep thinking about the idea of like him going into the bedroom. And you worked with her? With him. With him.

Did he show you the wounds? No, I've never, he's not going to unbutton his pole. No, you have to. If you were on a TV show called Wives with Knives, I thought it was going to be like a

discovery channel show where it's like women making knives like a forged in fire kind of show do you ever watch that no oh the sword making show it's great okay but i think about the poor guy he probably was like in the room with his food it's the first time i get to sit down the entire day and he's like honey can you bring me a knife she's like that's actually funny you say that i'm gonna stab you several times throughout the body stayed together after really for a short period well i mean she didn't go to jail uh well yeah eventually she went to jail but i think initially he was kind of like we can work so he was like he was down with like he stayed true held it down as they said yeah she was plussing boots she came in with the blade antonio bandera's voice

see now that's a that's a reversal that's a chivalrous lady that's finally ladies don't men taking men's jobs it's being it is dude it is so degrading to have to go visit your

wife in jail when she stabbed you yeah but that's another thing unintentionally the hottest possible thing you can do if your lady who stabbed you is behind like that

plexiglass and you're having that conversation I'm rubbing my hand down the glass along with her. There's also part of getting stabbed by a lady where you're like, oh, yes, I'm going to come out on top here. Like John Bobbitt, that dude turned into a porn star after his wife cut his dick off. Really? Yeah.

Did you ever hear that whole story? No. Lorena Bobbitt. So this might happen the year you were born. It was Alice in Wonderland. This was pre-social media, so there was like three stories a year. And this was one of the three yeah lorena bobbitt uh her husband was like i think he was like cheater like abusive whatever it is i'm gonna put that smut on your name if you're not mr bobbitt i

think you're dead but um johnny bobs she uh like was just fed up with him he came home shit face like passed out she went in and cut his dick off off and then drove away and threw it in a field and the police found it. So they did a search. They had to comb the area for this man's penis which one tells you probably a pretty big dick if they were able to find it in a field.

And then he gets it sewn back on and did porn later on. Good man. Everybody was just like, dude, you're the victim. Meanwhile he's like, I'm a domestic abusive piece of shit. But that was like 96. I think it was probably

mid-90s. And I think she went to jail. She, I don't know. Yeah, she better have gone to jail. I'm trying to think if she got out and did it. I don't think she did anything.

That's a beautiful movie of like the ending of the movie is like they never found the dick and then it just like grows a tree in the field. And a tree sprung, a tree sprung from the soil so to connect to comedy that's the first joke i ever told because somebody told me lorena bobbitt jokes at school and i thought it was the best thing ever it was like what's your favorite soda slice which was a drink

uh what was the other one i can't remember all the other ones. Whatever it was, my mom heard me telling the jokes, had a friend who she's still good friends with now with the last name Bobbitt, told me that that was the woman who cut the dude's penises off, aunt, then made me tell her the jokes. Oh, my God, dude.

I was like eight years old. Oh, my God. There's another eight years old. Oh, my God. There's another one about how she likes Slice. Wait, you did it as a joke as a comedian? First jokes. No, I did it as like... As a little tiny guy? I was just telling the jokes to my friend at my house,

and my mom overheard me saying them. And instead of being a parent that's like, don't talk about cutting penises off, she's like, I got to get you in front of an audience with this shit. Your mom's like a Jewish agent, dude. She's like, this kid's gonna be big.

He's gonna be a star. Started the career. You're down in your parents' basement in the 90s wearing like a suit jacket. Oh, dude.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen you probably since this. Back at Halloween, I had a kid come around trick-or-treating dressed as Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, dear God.

He's walking around with his family. Indian fella. Little Indian boy. Nice. He's walking along. He's walking around with his family. Indian fella. Little Indian boy. Nice. He's walking along. He's just in a blazer and I was like,

wait, what's your costume? He's like, hold on. What do you think I am? He reached into his pocket and it had note cards with jokes on them and ripped off two pretty good

like, what's the deal with? I was like, holy shit, you're Jerry Seinfeld. He's like, you're the first person to get it. Oh, my God. Jerry Seinfeld.

Yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. Jerry Seinf you're Jerry Seinfeld. He's like, you're the first person to get it. Oh, my God, Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. Jerry Seinbob's now, right? Seinbob's now. And then he just walked off and never saw the kid again. Wow. And he's probably walking around. He's nine years old.

He's got a four-year-old girlfriend, like Jerry did back in the day. Well, I went in and told my wife. She was like, did you nerd out and tell him that you're a comedian? And I was like, I wanted you so bad. Dude, if you had a kid on your front stoop, that's scarier than being like, I have candy inside. I'm just like, sit down, let me tell you about the rule of threes. So what's your wedding process like?

Alright, crowd work. You just want to ask people what they do for a job and then call them gay. What do you do for a living? Yo, okay, are you guys together? How many, have you had a lot of jobs? Huh? Have you had a lot of jobs in your life? Nah, I had, I've only ever worked with my family believe it or not i don't know if everything about me is makes that obvious but yeah i i worked at a summer camp and dude working at a summer camp

that's like talking about early jobs like that was one of the most ridiculous things of your the job doesn't feel like it matters at all because it's like a fuck off summer job but you're actually dealing with the most important thing in a multitude of people's lives yeah it's like my young children the the thing that they've created and raised to the point where they trust them enough to go off to camp yes and then you're the person in charge of that life yes was it a sleepaway camp or like a day camp uh no but i would sleep during the camp so it was a sleepaway camp for me i lived in the bunk yeah i mean we would like go to work hungover after having like a big like work party on a wednesday yeah and like i'd be sitting in a car next to my co-workers while we're waiting to go in because you had to be there at 8 30 if you got there at 8 27 you sat in the car for two

minutes and i'd watch the people in the car next to me that i work with would just be like ripping joints before going over. We'd go to the work meeting. One of my favorite, my boss at the time, and she was probably like in her 30s, maybe early 40s. She was great, but she had a hard time with speaking words. She just was not so good at that. And the day before, we went to a lake. And at the lake, she taught all of us,

you have to get in there. I don't care how disgusting the water is. You have to be in there with the kids. So we were like, okay, fine. We're not going to get in the water at all a single time. So the next day, she had some notes about that. She was not pumped. She was actually anti-pumped.

She was deflated. They're good with words. Great with notes, though. Great with notes. She's more of a note type of lady. She was noticed. And we came in the next morning, and she trying she was she was in like you know like they do this performative angriness your boss does that they have to do because their bigger boss is watching them

right so we're having a morning meeting with all the counselors and she's yelling at us and she was like calling people out individually it was really like it felt like a bad loss after we do that that's rule number one of management it felt like after Alabama lost to like southern Florida or some bullshit like a total nobody school and they're ringing you out

after and she was trying to say that she was so angry that she talked her husband's ear off about it the night before but she was also trying to say

that we screwed her over so she was like last night last night I was so angry I screwed my husband in the ear. And we were all like, what? Last night, you know how pissed off I was? I let my husband do that thing he's been begging me to do for years. She said she screwed him in the ear.

She scissored his ear. It's no play. I like the thing, it wasn't a Freudian slip, but she's just fisting her husband's ear. Well, she doubled down. I remember right after she goes, right in the ear goes right in the ear so she's in the ear and she could see us all kind of like descending and not really believing in her leadership any longer so she's like i really gotta have her this yeah and uh that's why like those jobs i mean that was like

a real full-time job for her for us like i said it was just a fuck off job um and i mean dude you want to talk about a guy who lost kids all the time i would like work take a kid to the bathroom get sidetracked talking to like one of the hot moms walk to the opposite side of the campus and have another counselor walk my kid to me and be like is he with you and i'm like yeah and they're like he was in the bathroom by himself for an hour and 45 higher seek you were doing great, buddy. Yeah, you knocked it out of the park. Yeah, so not great at that.

I worked a similar summer camp job where it was just like in the township I grew up in. Same thing, hungover every day. We were all 21, 20 years old. And it was like a test. Like in the morning, whoever was the least hungover had to like run dodgeball to start off. And then you'd see like one by one, each counselor, like get enough energy to get up, get a dodgeball, drill a kid in the head. I'd be like, all right, I did my part for today. I knocked a kid's tooth out once. It was great. He ran up and we were playing. This was after you were working?

Yeah. You were in shop, right? Tyler. Remember. Well, I forget the name of the game was, but it was everyone that had to throw the ball was in the middle of the court, and then everyone that's avoiding it is running around the perimeter. And there was one little alleyway where between the – you probably played in these small South Jersey gyms –

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's sideline of the basketball court, and then the doors for the storage are right there. Sure. So there's no room to run. So as soon as those kids would get in that alleyway, we'd light them up. Yep. And I saw this one kid, Tyler, chugging along.

He was not the fastest of the kids. And I threw one that missed, like, four other heads and found him, hit him right in the face, knocked the tooth out. He runs over and he's like, John, I lost my tooth, like, about to cry. And I was like, you know what that means? Headshots don't count. You're still in, buddy. Like, keep going. He, like, about to cry. And I was like, you know what that means? Headshots don't count. You're still in, buddy.

Like, keep going. Just blood dripping. Oh, why? Yeah, he's just like, concussed. Yeah, that was another thing. Like, working, the kids that we had for the most part, they were, like, ages, like, 8 to 12. So that's, like, the period where you're, like, starting into, like, whoa, girls are here. That's nuts.

And a lot of times you'd like find kids, you know, 10, 11 years old, like off to the side kissing. And I had no idea how to handle it because they were like, if it's just joined in, don't be nasty. You're the one trying to invite a little Seinfeld into your house. Don't do not turn this on me. A little Seinfeld's like little Sheldon. What? Just an autistic. What's combine an indian accent with a jerry seinfeld accent i think that's just trump i think if you combine jerry seinfeld with an indian guy it's just donald

trump your head might pop your head might pop dude you might get a dot on it all right that's bad uh but uh yeah i would like see like every once in a while you'd see a kid that would sneak away with like one of the girls from like the other parts of the camp and they'd be just like hugging and i was like i felt weird going up in like not interrupting but like i didn't know how to handle saying get off so i would like just stand back but i'm not touching that i'm not going anywhere near that and that's another thing like my you know director would be like, I'm not touching that. I'm not going anywhere near that. And that's another thing. My director would be like, you have to intervene. You have to break up the hug.

Because I always worried, what if I try to break it up and they don't? I'm not fucking. Yeah, you're going to pry two horny teens off each other. That's just what it is. Yeah, you can't. Those kind of jobs, though. But that was the thing. It never mattered.

I just found out. I've been working at my place for eight years now. I just found out like a year and a half ago that my job matters. I had no clue. Like I would just go there and show up and be like, yeah, this doesn't matter. Like if you weren't there, things would be different matters kind of thing. No, that if I had this like weird thing in my head that I'm like, if I quit, my life will be the same. Yeah. It's just having to pay for things. Have you ever gotten to quit a job? No, not yet. No, like you decided to quit it.

That's pretty fun. Are you, yeah. Any quitting stories? I've gone through a bunch. I've gone through like layoffs. I've gone through like companies just one day existing and not the next day.

Yeah, it's always bad. That was my first job out of college. I was a door-to-door Verizon business salesman. So I drove around the greater South Jersey area, just annoying business owners, selling them internet they didn't need. I was in the sticks. Deep down into Salem County and Vineland area,

people that just have no business needing internet. And I'm like, I'm going to get you the fastest gig speed you've ever fucking seen in your mechanic shop that hasn't had a car in it for decades. The slogan, rile up for the dial-up. But, dude, that job was like a gung-ho. Almost like in the morning we would have like Andy Elliott-style meetings of like, are you going to fucking sell some Verizon today? Were you part of those kind of things? Were they hyping you up?

Give me the full breakdown. It was the corny version of that, though. That's a big, cool, tough guys. This was a bunch of fucking alcoholics and people that recently got fired. Most of us, college dropouts are like barely got by in college. I was on the barely got bys. And you had to report every morning at 7 a.m. to the office. We would do morning meeting, which is literally like you'd play like games, almost like improv games.

I was just talking about this on Big Rick's podcast. Where you would have to go in and be like, we're going to role play a sales scenario right now. And like somebody would have to be talking in your ear and you would have to ignore them and like keep trying to sell the person in front of you. Like overcome that. At the end of the day, you had to hit a fucking gong if you made a sale. They had a bell ceremony at the end of the day. If you closed a sale, you came in and like, John closed $100 worth of blah, blah, blah.

Ring the cowbell. John closed $1,000. Ring the gong. And I fucking crushed it at that job. Yeah, did you really? It was just so cheesy. It was like you ham it up. You bullshit it. You're hungover every morning. crushed it at that job. Yeah, did you really? It was just so cheesy. It was like you ham it up,

you bullshit it, you're hungover every morning. We would do that and then all of us would go drink together every single night. And then again, you drive out the next day. I would go drive to like

rural South Jersey town, sell, you always had to have like two sales a day. I'd sell two things early and then go find a park and take like a three hour car nap. That's huge.

Wake up, I ended up becoming like an assistant manager at that job. Believe it or not, one day that just place didn't exist anymore. I can actually see that. I had to fire a guy when I work. I got to fire somebody because the, uh, the, the owner of the company. So it was like you were, he was like a subsidiary of somebody else, but like he was the CEO of his own little company. He had to go back home to Michigan area, so I was in charge for like a week. And the higher-ups from Verizon just showed up one of the days, and they were like, hey, we got to talk about employee so-and-so. And I was like, oh, God, what the fuck? He hit somebody with his car.

He robbed somebody. Here, he was like filling out fake paperwork for like months yeah just so he could like he would fill it out go home like taking that bullshit around i was good friends with the guy too and they were like well he needs to be fired today i was like well the boss isn't here they're like we don't care somebody has to do it so i called him and he's like i need you to do this so i had to go in and be like hey brian who i was like shit face with eight hours ago at the bar i was like can you come in we got to talk buddy oh my god with the verizon big wigs behind me i had to sit there at the desk and be like anything you want to tell us today he's just like he immediately was like yeah dude i've been

fucking lying i've faked this job for the last five months. I don't know how it took you guys this long to figure it out. And they were just like, do you know what this means? And it was basically, it meant like somebody in bumfuck nowhere South Jersey got an extra phone line when they weren't supposed to. So a tech probably showed up and was like, no, cool. All right, well, I get the next three hours to go fuck off then. Your entire workforce is sleeping in the car. Yeah, they're all at the same park.

Yeah. I had to fire him. And then it was almost like when he left, like those people left, and I had to kind of do the final, like, all right, see you. And it was almost the idea of like, yeah, I'll see you at the bar in like three hours probably. But to be fair, we would do like, they called them team days, where like if you were doing really good, you and another rep could go sell together yeah so he and i like there's a couple times like we would be i thought he was doing well i was crushing in sales yeah so like a friday would

be like a team day we'd go out close the sale which i'm now looking back did all the work and then we would just go get a six-pack and go to the movies and just get like hammered on a friday afternoon at the movies. I don't like that at all. You don't like day drinking on the company dime? I'm not split to six or with a guy. What films did you see? Twilight?

Yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to think what it would have been. It would have been... But it was always like nothing, like bullshit movies. It was just something to do. It felt so cool to be like, I'm working right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stealing money from your job is pretty cool. Yeah. The idea of you firing a guy and going to get drinks after, you have to be like, I'm working right now. Yeah, stealing money from your job is pretty cool. The idea of you firing a guy and going to get drinks after and be like, I forgot my wallet. This one's on you, I'll get you back. Remember last time you got the wings? So I'm going to need you to... So this is just like a payback for those at the same price. Also, you made me fire

you today. You made me fire you. You put it on him. It was a worse day for me. He just went home and took a nap. I had to go about the rest of my day after firing a friend. How did he take it? Did he receive it well? He was doing it immediately.

As soon as he came into the room, he saw the Verizon bigwigs standing behind me. I say Verizon bigwigs. These are people probably making like $60,000 a year. They had to come in to talk to me. And stand behind me. And he walks in. He's just like, ah, yeah. I'm getting promoted yeah I did it

and then it was weird he was dating a girl we worked with they stayed together so I still kind of like would see him like he would come out to the bar

and we because she was still working with us and he would show up and I'd be like hey sorry again you know that old thing but like we hung out

a good amount they ended up getting married it was interesting interesting saga. Yeah, before you fire somebody, you probably have to check if they have

like a... Gun? Yeah, literally. Like a right arm. Hey, real quick, before we sit down, can I just... I'm just personally

going to pat them. Just do like the TSA thing where you just like feel scrotched and just keep staying down there. I'm just wanding

them. Hey, we need to talk about your performance. Like a universal Harry Potter wand. Wingardium Leviosa, and you're gone. We'll get him next time.

If I knew any good spells, I could have yes-end that. Just say whatever that Indian kid's name was. Simbop Sanfo. Yeah, I'm so glad to be out of that period. I remember the money that i would make from my job in high school i it would be gone i get paid on friday and it'll be gone by like saturday afternoon that's what it's supposed to be and then you just sit yeah high school money even like college i remember when i was in college like i had the benefit of like my parents were paying

half of my tuition and then like i think they even kicked in a little of my rent when I lived in a house. So it was like my overhead was so low working a job on the side of going to college. I'd be working at Chili's and I would get to where I made like $95 in tips. And I would just go to whoever else was in there. I was like, who wants to buy the rest of my shift? And someone would be like, I'll give you 10 bucks.

Let me finish your shift. So then they can stay later and make more money. I would be like, I got 95 bucks.10, let me finish your shift. So then they can stay later and make more money. I would be like, I got $95, that's me drinking for the next three nights. That's food for the next five days because it was like peanut butter and jelly, basically pasta and spaghetti sauce, and that was it. That was like my meal every other day. And working at a Chili's, I just ate all that food. I've worked so many jobs.

I worked at two different Chili's. One of them exploded. Yeah, the server life. Was the server life... Because I feel like you've just worked in places where everybody you're surrounded by is kind of a scumbag. Oh, yeah. I love that, though, dude. Yeah.

Have you ever worked at a restaurant? No. It's so fun working with restaurant people, but also so detrimental to your life. Of course, dude. It's amazing. Of course. Some of the best people. I worked at a restaurant in this area. I won't name them on the podcast,

but I would trade the head chef rum and Cokes because I was bartending, and he would just bring me Korean tacos, and we would just trade the company's shit back and forth. Bartering. He would get blackout drunk at a brunch shift. I'm stuffed with Korean beef tacos. He got fired. He hit you with the KBTs, and you were done. He got fired. I'm stuffed with Korean beef tacos. He got fired.

He hit you with the KBTs and you were done. He got fired. I never got fired from that one. I never got fired from a restaurant job. Can they do that? Yeah. I feel like they can't fire you. They just have to make you a manager. No. Yeah. True. In restaurants, you don't get fired. You just get promoted.

I'm not going to fire. I'm just going to keep you around forever. You're going to start doing schedules. I don't know. I'm not going to fire you. I'm just going to keep you around forever. You're going to start doing schedules. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I loved working in a restaurant, though. It was some of the best and worst people I've ever met. Yeah, I always hear about, like, the restaurant stuff was, like, the big one, and then, like, retail jobs. People in retail, dude, you guys got to calm down.

I never did retail. Good God. They're like, I had to fold T-shirts earlier. That's, yeah. You got to simmer down. It's not that bad. Everything you hear about is there like a customer was mean also the less you do in that job the better you are to the customer

like if you go to a store and so if i go into a store and somebody's like up in my face like let me help you out what are you looking for all that shit i will i'll walk right out of that store yeah if i walk in and like there's just a dude at registry is like what's up Mike not much man was like oh I'm gonna drop like $300 in this store today yeah he just was like hi welcome yeah that was it I hate when someone stays in your pocket and they're like did you need that in a large like actually I'm a medium now I'm kind of offended by that I used to get I would watch me my dad would take me to like there's like zoomies where they'd follow you around the entire time and he thought he was impervious to sales tactics.

We'd walk around Zoomies, and I'd be buying my nicest pair of skinny jeans, getting a nice flat... I'm leaving with two pairs of Etnies. A Baker deck and a pair of Etnies. And my dad, they would come up and be like, dude, those skinny jeans, you look for real like you're in a band. That's sick. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I kind of am in a band.

And my dad would come up to me and be in my ear like, they're just doing this to get a sale off. And then I'd watch the salesman go up to him and be like, good dad's taking them out, man. This is actually really nice. He thought they were going to go to him and compliment him on his outfit, but they know how to get him too. And he'd be like, yeah, you know, I just like to make sure he's got what he needs.

Just build memories with my boy. And my dad would walk out with that and he's like, fuck. I don't even skate like that. I don't even shred the gnar quite like that. One of the best moves with... You bought your dad a pair of shoes that I had already. And I remember both of us were wearing them at the taproom after a show the one time. And I was like, oh, man, I am so in between your dad and you age-wise. It was like, this is the crossroads where it was like, these shoes make sense.

Yeah, I remember after he stopped wearing them and I was like, what's up? And he was like, this is the crossroads where it was like, these shoes make sense. Yeah, I remember after he stopped wearing them and I was like, what's up? And he was like, it's purple. True. There's an aggressive amount of purple on those. Buying your dad something purple. And I thought he's a big Vikings fan. I was like, he'll be into this.

Is he really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're also very uncomfortable shoes. He hated everything about them. They don't have the support that an aging man needs. I got him an old 90s starter Vikings jacket. And the minute I gave it to him, he was like, did you watch this?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. Your dad being a Vikings fan makes so much sense about your allegiances to sports now. You just like the Sixers, right? Yeah, I do. Okay. Yeah. What are you trying to say?

You give me crud? No, you were raised by a Vikings fan. Yeah, a tortured soul. A South Jersey Vikings fan. He's seen two games from them, probably. Yeah, and they're great games. He loved every millisecond. Big Warren Moon guy.

No, he was a Dante Culpepper. Dante Culpepper. That's when he grew up in a house. Nice. Yeah, my dad was tortured by, and he has no racist bone in his body. Yet. But he, well, he's working on it.

He's retiring soon, and that's... Yeah, I mean, you got all that time. My dad. You're going to get into new hobbies. I'm terrified. What a hobby to get into. What have you been up to, Dad? I've been getting real racist in public. Let me get into racial genetics.

Whoa. You know how sometimes at a crosswalk, Dad, all right, come on. I mean, they're so fast when they're out there running. He's ripping a hot five. He's also wearing a suit jacket. And then she's to the Patel. The Patel, he opens for him.

He opens for him. Dave Patel. Hot cross dunkin' donuts. It took us a good hour and a half to get to it but we got to Dave Patel what other Indian comics names

let's riff on this one yeah well I mean none of them are funny Nisan Manaj or whatever his name is god that's a tough watch but uh no my dad

Joe Schindler's List that's just a different one okay nice do you thought that was funny but uh no my dad worries me about retiring

because he's starting already to get into like ancient aliens and like he just peppers it into conversation normally now it's so fun watching older generations

get into stuff that people were into 20 years ago you know what I mean well that's my mom being a liberal now yeah she hits me with stuff

she's like really these white guys had it easier and I'm like yeah dumbass mom you would have crushed it six years ago my mom's my mom is a like like a uh like a hillary clinton liberal where i'm like you're like nine years gay your mom's with a pedophile oh your dad's a lesbian i get it now do not call bill clinton

lesbian that is the one thing we say we do not stand for on this podcast but uh no like my dad is like he scares the shit out of me because he talks about i don't know what to do with my free time when i retire you know i have to find ways to fill the time and like then we'll be talking about stuff and he's like you know the pyramids in mexico were there before egypt who do you think build those i love that yeah you're like i don't know dad you could just volunteer at an animal shelter instead of this anything else all the logic that like people like that get into where they're like they can't conceive that slave labor built the pyramids so they're like they don't go past the next point of like maybe it wasn't this form of architecture

it had to have been extraterrestrials and i'm like dad everything else you think about in life it's much more pragmatic right but for whatever reason you skipped 37 steps and you're like got over the aliens well i also love too where they're like you know that they were making cuts that modern day carpenters couldn't even make and i was like yeah because modern day carpenters are shit faced by 11 30 modern day carpenters are not the actual it wasn't the anunnaki it was It was the smartish of Egyptian people making the cut

because there's nothing else to put like intelligence towards. They were like we should make this thing pretty sick. People can't conceive of Also everyone talks about

how great the pyramids are. If you look at like real pictures of them they look so shitty. Fuck the pyramids. It looks What a fucking waste. For real

fuck the pyramids. Yeah we're here we stand on business when we say fuck the pyramids. People got mad that they built a real, fuck the pyramids. We stand on business when we say fuck the pyramids. People got mad that they built a Burger King near the pyramids. I'm like, finally some nice architecture. Build one in the pyramid. Fuck building it near it.

Finally I can have something my way over there. Connect the pyramids with golden arches, dude. Let's do it. BK, more like the Burger King Pharaoh. Not my best. That whole thing makes no sense to me but I mean I can understand that like he gets into like the whole thing

where he's like you realize that the aliens came to the planet to mate with us when we were primates I'm like dad please just build a model train yeah dad stop listening to Joe Rogan another thing he got into

don't introduce him to Rogan he'll lose his fucking mind hell he'd hate Rogan you think so? because he'd be watching he'd watch an hour introduce him to Rogan. He'll lose his fucking mind. Hell, he'd hate Rogan. You think so? Because he'd be watching, he'd watch an hour of the Joe Rogan podcast and be like, so they're not going to eat scorpions or anything? They're just going to sit there and talk? He's still Fear Factor Rogan.

Yeah, when does the bull semen come in? Is that? Oh, I got to subscribe to the Patreon for that. Yeah, that's on Protect Our Parks. It's going up. It is weird, like, watching my mom. I just had to help my mom cancel YouTube TV the other day. And she hit me with a sentence.

I was like, well, what email did you use? She goes, I don't know. It was my email that's on the TV. Yeah. And my email that is on the TV, I was just like, oh, I'm going to have to put you in a home soon. This is sad now. Like, this just got really depressing for me. It really does shut them down though. But it's like that generation was sold this dream of work your ass off, you'll get to retire. But then they never told them what the fuck to do when they retire. Yeah.

Because some of them have the money to be like, well, we're going to Florida or we're going to get into hobbies. It's like some people retire with just enough money to continue to exist. Yeah. You know what I mean? Without having to work work so it's like those are the people that you see standing out front of a wawa for six hours a day just talking to people weird you're like he just need a thing yeah that's it i could totally see my dad being the guy eating lunch on the wawa trash can out front oh he's a leaner yeah he's a leaner yeah he'll go in there with like that new buffalo chicken salad sandwich and he'll like people are just trying to walk in to get a coffee to eat in the morning. He'll be like, fucking aliens built the pyramids and you know it.

They're just tossing change at him. They're assuming he's begging. He's a crazy guy. My dad would be pumped. If he got back to the house, talked to aliens for two hours, had a nice sandwich and made like $13.25, he'd be like, great day. I mean, I'll be honest with you. You're crushing it. That's actually not bad.

Yeah. Sounds better than most of my good days yeah my dad cosplaying is homeless when he's uh retired that'd be the worst thing that could happen he's starting to cosplay as homeless and you're thrift shopping enough that you're starting to look homeless yeah that venn diagram gets way too close eventually you'd run into each other at goodwill and you're like ah shit you're into this now dude i got embarrassed so bad at a thrift store the other day where i ran into a guy where i had sold a shirt to somebody that he had bought and i was watching him sell it so i went up to him i was like hey man actually like i think i sold that shirt would you buy from and he told me and i found out that we did like have the same kind of mutual people we bought and sold from

and i sold him stuff that day because i'd stuffed my back seat so he's like dude let's meet up again like let me see what else you got so i brought over stuff i thought i was bringing heat into the kitchen and the embarrassment you feel when an actual professional buyer and reseller is looking through your stuff and he calls them and i quote shitters yeah i got so embarrassed I gave him stuff for free. Really? He was like, I don't even want these. I was like, please take it. I wasted your time, man.

And he was like, dude, I don't want this. See, I'm going to set them on fire as soon as you leave this place. It's going to be for Tinder, dude. So yeah, he invited you in not knowing you were just a hobbyist. I'm a hobbyist. Yeah, I'm a hobbyist. He's a lobbyist. Yeah.

You should have met him at the Hobby Lobby. Just, you know, get in there. I'm going to kill you with the gun. Dude, get to a Hobby Lobby. Just, you know, get in there. I would kill you with the gun. Dude, get to a Hobby Lobby or a Joanne Fabrics right away. They're some of the best places on earth. That's where my, I think my retirement is just going to be walking around a Joanne Fabrics. Yeah. Going, oh, you saw that here too?

Joanne Fabrics really sounds like a lesbian full name. It really is. I have a bit about it. I've been doing it where I was like, why is every woman that works in Joanne Fabrics looks like her name is Joanne? Joanne and Diane Fabrics are both like bank executives. You that works in Joanne Fabrics looks like her name is Joanne? Joanne and Diane Fabrics are both, like, bank executives. You're nice at Joanne Fabrics. You were talking about, like, didn't you cry at Joanne Fabrics or something like that?

I wouldn't say cry. You know, I mean, I discovered new layers of myself as a father emotionally. Layers of fabric, yeah. Yes. No, they have, did I cry at Joanne Fabrics? I think I did. You had an experience at Joanne Fabrics. I think I did. You had an experience at Joann Fabrics. I think I mixed

I was also blending two jokes together where I was talking about crying at sunsets and crying at Joann Fabrics also. I think I did cry at one. I had some weird times there. My poor mom

she would cry at an AC more. When you remember did you ever as a kid where and it's kind of like played out now but it is true

where like it'd be the day before a science project and it's 9pm the science project's due at 8 o'. We're like, it'd be the day before a science project, and it's 9 p.m. The science project's due at 8 o'clock the next morning. And you're like, Mom, I need a trifold. Yeah. The trifold industry, if Trump's going to regulate any industry.

Yeah, I think schools were just propped up by a big trifold. Big trifold. Big trifold. I remember my mom making me reuse the trifolds. Dude, do or do not, there is no trifold. I used to get sweet. So my mom owned a hair salon for most of my childhood. Oh, yeah.

That was my first job, sweeping hair. Sweeping hair and flirting with 47-year-old ladies. Kind of my passion project. Yeah, no braces are just naturally like this, yeah. She would just have like Revlon would give her like a display. So it would be a trifold. So I'd have like a sick background of my, like, I remember one looked like you were underwater. And I used that thing for everything.

It was like, I used it for a report on Argentina. I used it for like, here's an invention I made, trifold. Are we talking about the same thing, like the big poster board? Yeah, of course. Yeah, the big, like they were literally a trifold. I had a Revlon one. A Revlon trifold? A Revlon trifold are we talking about the same thing like the big poster board yeah of course yeah the big like they were literally a trifold i had a revlon one a revlon trifold revlon trifold that sounds like another great indie band name the sundown towns are trying to keep the revlon trifolds they're opening for revlon trifold um yeah i was a big i had dude hair care products out the wazoo that was a fun job i used to ride my bike over there, clean hair off of chairs.

I would steal Playboy magazines from there. Ew, dude, ew. We talked about that on That Rules before. It was, because it was like a hair salon, they would just send it there assuming it was, like, they send out all those magazines to, like, barbershops and hair salons for free. Yeah. So that you would look at them and then be like, I need a subscription. So they would send, like, all the magazines to my mom's shop and they would still send

like Playboys and shit. And they would tell, or like I would get the mail and be like, oh, can you believe this? I'd be like stashing it in my jacket. Yeah. Stashing it in my jacket was another good indie band. The haircut industry, they, they, uh, I used to be a big, um, the hair cuttery. And I remember the one time I went there and it was like a last minute haircut. And they were all booked up.

I went for a walk in. And there was a girl who was the receptionist. And I could tell that she was not, she was like an intern. She doesn't really cut hair that much. And they were like, what do you want? They asked me first, what do you want? She's an apprentice. Yeah, literally.

I think she just was like the electrician. She didn't even work there. But they asked what I wanted. And I was like, i just want like a fade and then just like short up top and they told her like yeah you could do that just take it back and you do and she was like okay having a panic attack on you i'm watching her cut my hair like hands trembling as she's going over and every couple cuts you'd be like is that good which i was like you sound like you sound like me when i have sex like it's like the entire time, I'm like, is this okay? It's not you, it's me.

And the whole time, she's like, I'm going to look like a fucking idiot after this. I swear this never happens. I'm so sorry. It smells the whole time, yeah. So I got to be the guinea pig at my mom's salon because anytime there was a new hairdresser that was the nervous one, they were like, well, she's got to get used to cutting someone's hair. So they would have that woman fuck my hair up.

And then my mom would be like, I'll just buzz it all off. You're fine. So she would try to give me like a bowl cut, just botch it. And then the next day in school, I was totally buzzed head with like my baseball numbers shaved in the back of my head. That's pretty tough. That was pretty sweet. I had unlimited back of the head shaved in things.

I don't like that at all. I remember my buddy the one time, my mom had like the stencils for it, like to shave stuff in. And she would like, oh yeah, you can pick one out. I would do like lightning bolts, all the cool ones. And my buddy took the Playboy bunny the one time and he was like, I want this one. Yeah. And we were too young to know what it was. And she was like, well, I don't think your mom's going to like that one.

He goes, no, Easter's coming up. She's going to love it. So my mom shaved the Playboy bunny in the back of my very religious friend's head and sent him home for fucking easter shout out to you mary k what a broad i can't believe i haven't told this story on the podcast before that my cousin told me that he had a best friend like my cousin's probably around your age he had a best friend that was the same thing they'd all get like their numbers

shaving their heads and like get the big designs I swear to God this is a totally true story like two years after 9-11 would have started to become like a thing of like

never forget he got 9-11 shaved in the side of his head with a nice tight fade wait how long

after 9-11 was that 2003 two years after 9-11 was that? 2003. Two years after 9-11 he did it? He refused to forget. What a patriot. He was never going to forget. And then they went to school and they were like,

is that like... Because it wasn't popularized yet. You could get a whole mural so he had first tower going down here and then the second tower and then the Pentagon on the side. Mr. President, the second plan is at the tight crop. Well, I guess that's...

Look, we could talk 9-11 haircuts all day. I know, now that I realize I've been 9-11 stories. I guess you could say they took a little off the top of both of those towers, you know what I'm saying? But Johnny Boy, would he have anything to plug, promote? Anything that's hot? Montag Comedy on Instagram. February 28th, you're on it.

We got a show over in Collingswood. Upcycle Comedy. It's going to be every other month for the foreseeable future. So come out to that. Absolutely. Come see. I will be doing a headlining show

at the Tap Room Bar and Grill, one of the hottest places in comedy. Johnny Boy will also be on that. We just book each other. That's it. It's really kind of a circle jerk of comedy. It's pretty bad.

Please don't come to both shows because I'm going to do the same set. Pick your favorite show. They're seven days apart. But yeah, go follow John

on Instagram and all that fun stuff. I'll be editing this one. Look, this will be a fun little note if you made it this long in. I'm editing this one. Kyle, like I said a fun little note if you made it this long in. I'm editing this one.

Kyle, like I said, is doing Birthright in Hadover, Pennsylvania. Tell me what you think, okay? And if it's good enough, we'll fire Kyle. All right? That's our promise to you. If you like the editing... Fire Kyle! Fire Kyle, all right?

He'll have a shirt printed out of that within, like, two days after the episode. Yeah, he'll be selling it on, like, Good Morning America. But thank you guys. You guys rule. That's been the episode.