Mention It All - We Came, We Sawl, We Bickered (The Valley Premiere)

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

Dylan’s sneaky favorite Bravo show is back for a second season, and the cast of The Valley is as messy as ever. From the chilling cold open to Brittany’s white party, it’s a wild ride from start to finish, anchored by Jax’s express journey to rock bottom. Meanwhile, Jesse and Michelle’s divorce isn’t going well, Kristen still hasn’t forgiven Janet, and Tom Schwartz might be the only person with common sense. Buckle up! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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See Home Depot.com slash price match for details. Betches Media presents. Ha ha, laugh, funny. Mention It All, a Bravo by Betches podcast. We don't say that, but now we said it. With me, Dylan Hafer. We're going to check me, both. Hey, everyone.

Welcome back to the Mention at All podcast. We are back. We are so back because we have another season in the Valley. We are in season two. We've got a great premiere to talk about. And boy, am I excited to dive right into it. Now, I am pre-recording this episode a little bit, because I am traveling this week.

So if there is any breaking news, you know, if the feds have rolled up at Teresa's house, God forbid. If there's a Miami trailer, I would love to see that. We will be talking about anything breaking, you know, anything new and exciting next week when I am back in real time. But for today, we have such a treat of a Valley premiere to get into. And I got to be honest, we know that season one of the Valley was a surprise. You know, we were not looking forward to this show.

And I'm using we because I feel like I can speak for us as a collective. You know, the Valley was a proposition that seemed destined to fail. And season one was such a wonderful, messy surprise. And coming into season two, I mean, there is a lot to be excited about. This is a group that I, obviously, we've gotten certain news blasts since last season. We know that Kristen is pregnant and engaged. We know that Jackson Brittany's marital situation has deteriorated, to put it, you know, lightly. But on the whole, I am not keeping up with these people a lot on a daily, weekly basis.

You know, I think I follow some of them from the Bravo Bay Betches account, but like their posts, they're not getting pushed to the top of my algorithm. And I am so okay with that, because going into this episode, I was like, you know, I have no idea what's going on with our friend Zach. I have no idea what Jesse and Michelle are up to in their post-separation era. Janet, I assume, had that baby. I don't know what she's up to these days. There are a lot of people in this cast that I feel like I have not really checked in on physically, mentally, or spiritually, since last season of the Valley ended. So we are diving back in.

And this show wastes no time, because we start with this cold open. that is one of the most dramatic, ominous, maybe two minutes of TV we've seen on Bravo, because it's just a full montage of Jacks Taylor in the worst spiral of his life. And, I mean, that's a high bar. Worst spiral of Jack's Taylor's life. Like, we've watched this man spiral out in Hawaii,

spiral out in Vegas, spiral out in Mexico, in L.A. County, 40 to 50 times, I would say, we've watched him spiral out. This is one of the worst because it is obviously, you know, he and Brittany are not together at this point, but it's really coming at the expense of his relationship with his son. And we don't have all the details, but we see Kristen telling Jacks, you cannot spend time alone with your son right now. If this is not rock bottom for you, that's crazy.

And look, Kristen is not always, you know, she's not always speaking truth. She's not always speaking wisdom, but in this moment, it's hard to disagree with her. So we see that Jacks at the end of this cold open is going to check himself into a month-long treatment program. You know, kudos to Jacks. Hope he gets well. But I'm watching this thinking, okay, so this is what? The end of the season, perhaps the midpoint of the season, clearly a lot has happened.

I'm thinking we're going to do a little three months earlier. And everything's going to be sunny and Brittany's going to be like, you guys, I'll think, Jackson and I might get back together. And Jackson is going to be like, yeah, Brittany are working on our shit. Everything's going so good. What could possibly go wrong? But it's not three months earlier. It's seven days.

Seven days. All of this shit hits the fan in one week's time. I feel like I'm like the witch from Macbeth or something. It's like, in one week's time, Jacks will do something bad and then he will have to go away. So we are picking up this season, I would say mid shit hitting the fan, because we find out that Jacks and Brittany, not only are they not together, not only are they separate living apart, I'll remind you, Brittany and Cruz left the house that they own and have lived in together and have been staying in an Airbnb rental.

So Jacks is king of the castle in Valley Village and is like, you know, my home this, my home that, dude, like, that doesn't make you seem like a good guy when it's like, oh, yeah, like, my stupid wife and my son, they're staying wherever they're staying. I'm in my home. It's like, Jack's, um, his, his judgment is, is perhaps not great. But before we get to Jackson, Brittany, we actually check in, uh, with Michelle and Jesse. Because they, if you, if you forgot, are also no longer together, uh, definitely. they needed to not be together anymore. But things are a little bit tense with them too, because

Michelle has moved out of the house. So Jesse is, of course, excited that now he can, you know, organize his suits by color and really just, you know, take up the whole closet. That's so exciting for him. And he's getting Isabella ready and putting makeup on her because that's a normal thing to do to a, what, four-year-old child? Michelle is annoyed by this when she sees her later, of course. Janet had her base. So she and Jason are, you know, dealing with that. I don't know. Janet being pregnant last season, I felt like was kind of core to her as a character on the show.

So I'm curious to see, like, what is her energy now that she's not, like, evil pregnant lady? Is she still evil or has that gone away with the bump? Like, I feel like we're getting to know a new side of Janet this season, or at least we have the potential, too. So that's exciting. We check in with Kristen and Luke. They're trying to get pregnant. Kristen's like annoyed that Luke is trying to get her to make healthy choices while they're trying to get pregnant. She's like back in my time, she's like, I'm 42.

Women back in my time were smoking, drinking, hanging out in cigarette smoke-filled bars. And look how I turned out. Don't tell me to put the drink down. Kristen, I just love like, I can't tell if she's Uber self-aware or zero percent self-aware, but I feel like there's no in between. Because she's either so in on the joke that, you know, she knows that we all think she's ridiculous, or she fully just buys her own bullshit. And I love it either way. But Luke does his, you know, does a good job of doing what the producer told him to do and asks, when was the last time that Kristen talked to Janet? And Kristen's like, yeah, well, she called me.

And she was like, well, why can't we all be friends? But she is dead to me. Starting off a season with Kristen proclaiming that someone is dead to her, I feel like we're right back in the goal. in days. We're in a good era. Kristen and Janet's feud is going to be alive and well, and I am just so happy to see it. We check in quickly with Jasmine. She's still happy with her girlfriend, Melissa. Look, I'm very happy for her. Jasmine, objectively, is a little boring on this show. I'm hoping she kind of pops out this season, but if she's in a happy, healthy, normal relationship, and we don't need to see that much of it, also good for her. Danny and Nia, now they

have three kids under three, which is apparently harder than having three kids under two. But Nia still wants another one and they still don't have enough space and Danny still wants to move to Santa Clarita. And their life seems stressful. Chaotic? I don't know. I don't have kids. Everybody who has kids, you're doing great.

You're on your own journey, figure it out what works for you. This doesn't look fun. This does not make me excited about it. having kids. I'm just going to say it. This show, it's interesting. There's, there's peaks and valleys. I mean, valleys, ha ha, ha. They're, like, I don't want to say that this show as a whole makes having kids not look fun, but it's like, okay, like Janet and Jason are like experiencing it for the first time. Like, you know, um, Danny and Nia. That shit looks tough. Three kids under three, and she wants another one. Four under four? I don't know. Straight people. Man, it's, it's just, it's

rough out there. You don't need another kid. There's been like Judge Judy videos going around on TikTok and there's one where she's grilling this 21 year old girl and she's like, how many children do you have? She's like three. And another on the way? Yes. How old are you? 21. You have enough children. Like that's how I feel watching Danny and Nia on the Valley. I'm like, you have enough children. But if they want more, who am I to judge? Have as many kids as you want. I don't know. It's not like the planet's burning.

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Done hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear up on that envelope. It's time for a little in-person. spring treat. It's time for a trip to Ross. Work your magic. Now we really get into, unfortunately, the most important thing that's happening on the show. And that is Jacks and Brittany's really troubling place that they're at in their relationship, because we find out that recently, so they're separated, living separately. They have been allowed to date other people. They're doing their own thing, feeling out their own paths forward. But according to Jack's, Brittany was recently being like, I want to come home, I want to work on our marriage, yada, yada, yada, maybe we can, you know, make something happen.

And then he was going on Britney's iPad because they have stuff on there for Cruz. And he's seeing text messages and a sexy video that she was sending to this guy Julian, who, by the way, Jack says was his friend first. So, Jack's, he's saying that he was really pissed off because Brittany is saying she wants to come home and work on things. But at the same time, she's being a whore and texting a sexy video to Julian. So he sees Red, flips a coffee table, which hits Britney's knee, which, I mean, under my definition, this is like a really serious thing that you need to look at. if somebody is getting a table flipped on them and getting hit with it in the home, not great. To put it lightly, not great.

Brittany is very, you know, obviously scared by this, thrown off by this, has a lot of, you know, troubling thoughts and feelings about Jack's behavior. I am skeptical of Jack's version of events in the first place that Britney was like, baby, I want to come home. Let's work on it. I think that they probably have had a lot of conversations in this period of. of separation where maybe they're talking about what does our future look like. Are we going to work on things? Should we try coming back in the home?

They have a child together. Are they considering whether it would be best for crews to have them spend more time together or for her to be back in the home? I'm not saying that Brittany has never brought this up or that they've never discussed it, but I have a feeling that Jacks is really tilting the scales here to make Brittany look like a hypocrite. also I'm pretty sure that Jacks hasn't been spending the last six months being celibate at home and Brittany says as much she's like okay yeah so so Jack saw it that I was texting this guy but he's he's got his little sluts over there so it's a problem for me

first of all I love I love that they have like matching instincts to slut shame like I don't I don't love it. Obviously, like, slut-shaming is bad. You know, we shouldn't be slut-shaming. You know, as Meredith Mark says, that's the worst thing you can do is slut shame somebody. But it's just like, it gives you a glimpse when their first reaction is to be like, she's a whore. He's with sluts. Like, in a different world, they are a match made in heaven.

In this world, Jacks is a scary psycho who Brittany and Cruz maybe shouldn't be around, at least not while he's before he goes and gets his treatment. or whatever. But in a different world, once upon a, in a, you know, sliding doors, multiverse situation, Jackson, Brittany are like happy together, just, you know, slut-shaming till the cows come home. But it's not to be. We see, so Jacks is kind of recounting his tale to Jesse. Brittany is talking to Michelle about what happened. I love that we have, like, matching, separated couples, kind of bitching to each other about their partners. And Jesse, I would not say Jesse is like a great, you know, voice of reason always. I have some questions. You know, we'll get to him and Kristen. But he does, I think, give Jacks a really good piece of advice in light of this recent, you know,

domestic disturbance with the flip in the coffee table. And he says, right now, you need to be putting crews first in every thought that you are having. And thinking about, I mean, A, what is this going to mean for your situation moving forward, literally being, able to see and spend time with your son. But also, how is your son going to grow up learning to treat women if when you see one thing you don't like, your response is to flip a coffee table and, you know, hurt mommy? It's not, that's not something that a child can be around. That's, it's, it's detrimental to someone's development and to their, you know, understanding of the way that things should be handled.

And I don't want to get too deep into this, but like Brittany just shared this past week that Cruz was diagnosed with autism about six months ago and is mostly nonverbal. You know, that's a separate journey. I don't want to like lump all these things together. But like they're going to have a lot of, a lot of decisions to make, a lot of, a lot of things they're going to have to figure out how to handle in this family. And I, I'm really glad that Cruz was able to get that diet. because I imagine that that's going to really make it easier for them to figure out how to

best give him the support he needs. And I feel like Brittany, you know, she gave an interview with people and was talking about this. And it seems like she's really on board to kind of like give Cruz what he needs. And I hope that Jacks can get to a place where he's also an active, positive participant in that. but like if you got a, if you can't resist, you know, flipping a coffee table, you've got a long way to go before you're being like a supportive parent for your child's like developmental needs. And that's a whole other can of worms. Jesse, though, he is like, I don't fully buy what he's selling because he's like, oh yeah, you know, like when we first separated like me and Michelle, I went through like just a teeny tiny like little small hookup phase. But, you know, I just realized that I'm more of a. relationship guy. So now I'm really happy. You know, I'm dating somebody. I'm, I'm good. I'm just

like doing good. You know, my suits are color coordinated. So I'm just doing so good. And like perfectly happy for him. Of course, you know, you're on your own journey. Meanwhile, Michelle is telling Brittany that she's super happy dating this guy, Aaron. And when did she meet Aaron? A couple years ago. Now, the second I hear that come out of her mouth, I'm no, I'm no Lindsay Hubbard going through the the timeline with Lil, but I, when she said a couple years ago, my ears perked right up, because I'm like, knowing Jesse, knowing the way that this show works, you dating somebody that you met a couple years ago, whether or not there was cheating, whether or not there was, you know, sexy, sexy videos happening, whether or not they saw it. Like, I think this timeline is going to

circle back around. What do you know? By the end of the episode, I think. think it will. But, you know, Jesse and Michelle both totally moved on, both happy in their new relationships. But we got to talk about what's going on with Janet and with Kristen and with Britney because they, things are not all well. But Britney and Janet have gotten a lot closer. They're meeting up at some plant store to make little terrariums together. Like, what a, what a 2018 activity.

I love this. I love that they're just like going to sit in the back of a plant store, putting some dirt and some rocks in a little glass case. And Jax's, of course, blowing up Britney's phone because we can't have nice things. And she's having a white party that Jax wasn't invited to, obviously. So now Jax has decided to have his own rival party, which is just, you know, sad in many ways. But Janet says that she and Brittany have gotten a lot closer and that the basis of their friendship is that Britney is just always down to order Taco Bell. She's like, any time I say, do you want to order Taco Bell?

She's like, hell yeah, let's get four nacho cheese dips. Now, I like Taco Bell as much as the next person. I think that it's great when friends love to order Taco Bell together. But I really would like to see the literal physical receipts of how many times Brittany and Janet have actually eaten Taco Bell together. Because this feels like something where you're like, okay, like, we're filming the show. I want us to seem like besties. what can we say that sounds like super like normal and like down to earth? Like, oh my God,

she always loves getting Taco Bell together. Because I would just argue like if you're a Taco Bell orderer for nacho cheese dips, paired with what? Are you get like with nacho fries? Like are you getting the the tortilla chips at Taco Bell are like not that good. Like that's not like a specialty. If she was like, oh yeah, like let's get a crunch wrap, a cassarito, a grilled cheese burrito, like a nachos bell grande.

a Mexican pizza. Like, that sounds like somebody who actually orders Taco Bell. For nach cheese dips, I think you're a fake fan. I don't know, but I totally believe that Brittany and Janet have gotten super close since last season. And the issue, though, is that Janet has said something on a podcast, on our friend Gibson Johns' podcast, Gabbing with Gibb, which he gets like this whole, his podcast cover is like super, you know, center stage. And we get this whole long clip of Janet saying on the podcast that perhaps Kristen and Zach did not wish for her pregnancy to come to full term.

Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet. This is, um, this is tough. This is tough because it's like, it's not great. It's not great because obviously there were things last season. Like Zach said, I think last season that he like didn't really care about. Janet being pregnant, which is not a nice thing to say. There was this kind of like general sentiment of like, oh my God, you're you're stressing out Janet so bad and that could have an effect on her pregnancy. I think that that is sort of a big leap to get to they did not want my pregnancy to come to full term.

And also I think that, you know, and Kristen says this, Janet is really speaking about Zach, but it's kind of lumping in Kristen in a way that Kristen Doty really is not going to appreciate. So when we see Zach and Kristen and Nia hanging out, they're basically like Janet is on this like warpath to get Britney not to like us.

And, you know, it's horrible that she's putting out there that we would not want her pregnancy to come to full term. And, you know, Kristen got a text from her friend who saw Janet at Pilates. And she said that they're just, just going to be good this season? What the fuck is that? Now, I do wonder if this friend that was at Pilates with Janet is actually just a producer on the show, because I am kind of like, who was the, who was the friend? Do we know this person? Why was Janet talking about,

why was Janet talking about Kristen at Pilates to a random friend who we don't know and aren't going to see on the show? Was it because the friend is a producer? I just am always like, okay, this is me, you can just say it. But no, everybody's big mad at Janet. You know, Kristen feels like she has, you know, made a lot of effort. And, you know, she's a good friend. And Zach says that Janet has been doing bad shit to him all summer. And he also is like, he's, Zach is very into the idea that Janet is trying to turn Britney against him.

She's like, there is no reason. There is absolutely no reason other than that for Britney to be that far. up Janet's punani. I'm like, Zach, shut up. You're making, you're making gay people look bad. There are just moments

on the show where I'm like, Zach, shut up. Be quiet. Don't say, don't do all of that. It's so much. But while Kristen is not in a better place with Janet, she somehow is in a better place with Jesse

because I guess Jesse kind of got proven, well, Kristen got proven right. Sort of. Kristen says pigs are flying. She's over at Jesse's house. And Jesse is apologizing to her saying that she was right about all the stuff with his marriage and that subconsciously deep down, he knew that Michelle was doing something wrong, which is why he reacted so poorly because it hurts so much to hear somebody else say it. And, it's funny because Kristen she has this wonderful ability to in the moment seem like she's having

a nice connective moment with another person and she's like yeah it was really hard but I'm glad I'm glad that we got to this point and then you cut to the confession and she's like boo ya hope everyone who called me a liar is

really feeling stupid today. I love that I just love that so much with Kristen Doty just boils down to her wanting to be able to say, I told you so. Because that's real. Like that's, I mean, I feel like that sometimes. I'm like trying to be compassionate, but in the back of my mind, I'm like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Right. Okay. I thought so. Ready to soundtrack your summer? With Red Bull Summer All Day Play, you choose a playlist that fits your summer vibe the best. Are you a festival fanatic? A deep end DJ. a road dog or a trail mixer.

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And by dueling events, I mean, Brittany has a chic party that looks really fun. And Jax is hanging out with four losers at his restaurant in Studio City, including Tom Schwartz. And Tom Schwartz is somebody who I, I wouldn't say I'm always happy to see him. And there has been a lot of questions and a lot of speculation about how much we are going to be seeing some of our Vanderpump Rules friends on the Valley this season. Of course, we see a little bit of Sheena and Lala in the super tease for the season. But I think most of us have kind of been a little hesitant and thinking that more Vanderpump Rules on the Valley is not necessarily what this show needs. But I was happy to see Tom Schwartz in this moment because I think he is.

one of the few people who could have this conversation with Jacks, where he says, I had a heart to heart with Brittany, and she is scared to be alone with you, and you are headed toward rock bottom, and you need to get some kind of help. And Tom Schwartz, for all of his, you know, fuck boy moments and his poor decision-making and his, you know, trying to act like a puppy dog when he has made a bad decision. decision. He and Jacks go back a long way. Tom has known Jacks since before Brittany even came into the picture. And for him to, to be really honest and straightforward like this, I think is important. And how does Jacks react? Well, exactly how you'd expect. He's like, well, I mean, she's like

banging another guy. How would you expect me to react? She's such a hypocrite. And obviously, you know, in seven days time or whatever, Jacks is going to maybe see the light and go get help. But everything about his demeanor right now is just like textbook, not good. Textbook, I don't know if it's narcissism. I don't know if it's, you know, abuser behavior, but it's not good. And I feel like between Kristen and Tom and Brittany and Jesse, everybody is calling it out in their own way.

And I think that's important. I think it seems like that is warranted. But that's all for the Jack's pity party. And now we can get to Brittany's white party, which there's a good little bit of drama going on there. It's Janet's first time seeing Zach and Kristen. You know, she's trying. God bless. She's trying.

She's like, I feel like Kristen and I, we used to be such good friends. And I feel like we always thrived when we had a common enemy. So like, let me try and find one of those. I love the realness that it's like our friendship works best when we're hating someone. together. But Kristen and Janet do end up talking. Kristen brings up what she said on the podcast about the full term comment. And Janet apologizes and says that she was really talking about Zach's demonic behavior and that she roped in Kristen because they're best friends. And demonic behavior is like such a, it's such a funny phrase. And they say it two or three times.

And I'm just like, yeah, okay, yeah, whatever, I guess. Seems like a little bit of a, a little bit of an exaggeration for Zach making like a throwaway comment about not giving a fuck about your pregnancy. But whatever, demonic behavior. We can go with it. And then Janet, of course, asks if Kristen has any apologies for her. And she's like, what do you mean? I don't have apology for you. What are you talking about?

And this still is really boiling down to Kristen last season telling everyone that Janet was telling everyone that Michelle was racist. And this was debunked. We know that the comment was something quite different. And Janet is still really pissed off at Kristen about this. And Kristen doesn't really give a fuck. She's like, eh, I'm good. So they've made, I would say, like a slight bit of progress. I don't know.

I don't see Kristen and Janet really patching things up in a major way. And I think the trailer for the season seems to support that hypothesis. But we will see. We've got a long way to go. But really the piece de resistance at this party is Michelle and Jesse's confrontation. Because I have not seen. I can't remember when we have seen two more petty, calculated, manipulative, shit-eating grins on the faces of two people because they are having so much fun making each other miserable.

You know, they have a little run in earlier when they're talking about how, you know, Isabella, their daughter wants everything and she gets that from Jesse and when is she going to learn the value of a dollar? And it's like, ma'am, she's a three-year-old. Why would she know the value of a dollar? I don't know the value of a dollar. Like, it's changing every day. There's tariffs.

There's no tariffs. Like, how much are eggs? The value of a dollar is like very much in flux. And she's three also. just like she's three. But then it really heats up later in the party when Michelle makes a comment about she has had a phone call or a meeting with some woman about Isabella's school prospects. And she's like, oh, I met with this girl, this lady.

She gets like millionaires and billionaires into good schools. And Jesse takes this news of a phone call as a personal attack on his fatherhood and his rights and his, you know, the First Amendment, he's like, how dare you have a call with someone about my daughter's education without even giving me a heads up? And Michelle, you know, she's not like, oh, yeah, sorry I should have given you a heads up, or sorry it wasn't a big deal or nothing is set in stone. Her immediate response is, call the lawyers, it's allowed. Michelle!

She's like, she's like, babe, I got the lawyer on speed dial. You want to go through the bullet points and see what I'm allowed to do? I know my rights. This is so telling about the place that they are at in their dynamic together that she's like, oh no, this is allowed. Call the lawyers. You know that they have been in some absolutely, absolutely like horrific mediation sessions. The bickering that must be happening to be a fly on the wall.

But this, Jesse's response to this is that he is considering. moving to Orange County, and that, you know, his new girlfriend lives in Orange County. Maybe he'll move to Newport. And maybe Isabella will go to school down there. You know, maybe. Why not? He knows exactly what button to press because this makes Michelle fly off the handle. She's like, you're not taking my daughter to fucking Orange County.

If you try to do that, I will get full custody. And he's like, he admits in the confessional. The producer's like, did you bring up moving to Orange County to maybe get a rise out of Michelle? And he's like, oh, yeah, 100%. they know exactly what they are doing and oh, it is delicious. I really hope their daughter is not being like caught in the middle of this in the home. But at the white party on camera, oh man, it's a lot of fun.

And I feel like we are in for a season of Jesse and Michelle making each other's lives a living hell in new and exciting ways almost every week. And I can't wait to see it. We have a lot that is going to be going on this season. embracing myself for whatever is happening with Jacks. I'm excited to see Brittany continue, though, on her path of, you know, being as much of a slut as she wants to be. Because we all should. We all should.

But the Valley, season two, we're here. This is going to wrap it up for us this week. We are going to be back next week on Wednesday and Friday. Our schedule is a little different because of my travel. But just want to give you guys a heads up. We'll be back on Wednesday of next week with two more great. episodes. But in the meantime, thank you so much for listening. Don't forget to rate, review, and follow the show wherever you listen. You can follow us on Instagram at Bravo by Betches. And until

next time, be cool. Don't be all like uncool. Mention It All is produced by me, Dylan Hafer. Edited by Julia Stanton and Grace Hernandez-Johnson. Socials by Dylan Hafer. Our associate director of podcast is Shannon Jimenez-Sisone. Be sure to follow at Bravo by Betches. Own it all. Pay off your home. Travel for life. Drive a Ferrari. In celebration of the world premiere of the Monopoly, big board buck slot machine by aristocrat gaming, Yamava Resort and Casino at San Manuel is giving one person a $1.6 million dream package.

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