MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - 2 Labubus Please w/ Jared Goldstein

Episode Date: August 21, 2025

This week Syd and Marie chat with friend and fellow comedian Jared Goldstein! The trio talk Jared’s driving MESS, hypnotherapy, and his extensive gorgeous handbag collection LOL.  Don’t forget to write in your messy stories at [e-mail], or call in at [phone] to have your MESSages read live on air! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

ooh you're listening to mess hey y'all we're back we're back you're missing and we're back we're back we're back i'm so excited because you know what we're doing something different are we yes we are we're just gonna bring the guests right on Oh, we've done that before. Oh, I was impressed. I was impressed. I was like, is that different? No.

Am I here? Am I here? You're literally always here. Am I here? Oh, am I here? I don't know. I don't know. Thank you, Sydney.

I read some of the comments and they're like, we feel it and the guest feels it. Bring the guest in immediately. And I said, you know what? Let's try. Okay. We're going to do that today. We're bringing him in. Jared Goldstein is here.

Hello. Hi. Jared Goldstein. Jared Elizabeth. Jared Goldstein. Jared. Jared. Jared.

I love the way British people say my name. Jared. Jared. Jared. Because it reminds me of the way Long Island people, where I grew up, say my name, which is Jared. Jared. Everyone else says like Jared.

Jared. Jared. Jared. Long Island, Jared. London, Jared. Jared. It's very similar. Jared.

Yeah. But I like the London better. I feel like London people do it, like they say names like a question. Yes. It's maray. Yeah. And they also call you darling. And a grown man who is straight will call another man darling.

And it's lovely. And that's why it's so easy to play that game, gay or European. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gay or metrosexual. Metro. Metro. Yeah. Metro.

I got metro a little bit. You? I did. As a kid. Yeah. Why'd you say you? Like, he don't have a swoop bang. I would never say metro.

I did blow out the front for you, too, today. I would immediately say gay because it's like, you know. Yeah, but gay was a slur, you know. Oh, back then. This was in the 1980s. Oh, 1980s. No, no, this was the 2000s. Yeah, I'm like 1980s.

Yeah, no, this was the 2000s and gay was a slur. So Metro was kind of an easy way in. We would have called this a man bag. We never called it a man bag. I love this bag. Look at the LeBoo bag. Now, I'm really against the little doo-doo, but you really brought the little boo-boo into another level. Like, this is so chic.

It's so cute. I'm like, it is cute. Thank you. I'm having a lot of fun with it. I am toxic and I am a villain. And if this is, I want people to like me, but if this is where I lose people, that's okay. But now let's talk. How much did you pay for that?

For the little boo-boo? The little boo-boo was probably like 50 bucks. It was a gift from my mommy. Your mother's encouraging this behavior. Well, here's the thing. My mom was really powerful in the Beanie Baby era. And this is the next. Yes.

What does that mean? She worked for TY? She was just like boots on the ground, Brooklyn, getting Beanie Babies that you could not find. The Princess Diana one. The Princess Diana one. At one point, she had it. She got me a Charizard, a holographic Charizard card because she called Pokemon. So you had Beanie Baby and Pokemon.

We had it all. Furbies, Tamagotchi. So you're spoiled You got the money Yes You're doing well Well you didn't see The Gucci bag

I didn't want to say Because of labels But sometimes you hear Someone speaking You're like Oh you had more than One room in your house Yeah for sure

Yeah No we didn't grow up In a studio apartment No Wait but can I just say Shout out On Long Island On Long Island

Yeah But shout out to my mom She for a living did nails My dad was an accountant And she made more money Than my dad doing nails How? Because the girls are always getting real bad at calculators.

Accountants don't make that much money, and my mom just works seven days a week nonstop. That's wild. And the girls are always getting their nails done. Yeah. It doesn't matter if there's a pandemic, epidemic, whatever the world is in. We'll be like, can I get tips? Yeah. And her babies needed Tamagotchis and Furbies and Beanie Babies.

Furbies, too? What's your mother's name? Xbox. Game Cube. What's your mother's name? Sharon. Sharon. Sharon.

Sharon's a good mom name. She is. She's a great mom. So she definitely loaded up on Christmas. Tell Sharon I want a Labubu too. I want one like that. Well, she got a box of six. I had two, but I had to surrender one to my niece because three was not enough for my niece.

So she has four. What? Steal one from the baby tonight. I will try. I will try. I've seen your niece. She deserves all of them. She's the cutest.

She does. She's very cute. She's very cute. Steal one for me. I know. I know. I do want. I kind of.

Because now I'm watching people open their Labubus online. And I'm like, I would like to open another one. Yeah, you did an unboxing. I did do an unboxing. LOL. I truly don't get the hype. I'm confused. What is this pricing?

So you don't know how much it costs. I think the actual price is like $30 per Labubu. A Labubu is like retail $30, unless it's like a fancy kind, because they make like limited edition. Like there was like one like with Coca-Cola, and that was probably more expensive. But like just a straight up Labubu is $30. They come in boxes of six, but mostly they're being resold. So the reseller wants a profit, so they're charging more like $50, $60, $70. So when you say they come in boxes of six.

Yeah. So one is $50 or the box is $50? The box is $300 based on $50. Wait. My mom spent $300 on a box of six. This is math. You know this is math. Sure.

This is math. This is top-level math. Yes. Because you are a what? An adult. And now you have this thing on your back. I have this thing on my back, yeah. But the baby has three, four LaBooBoos.

Four LaBooBoos. So that's $200? We do spoil my niece. Yes, she's spoiled. So you can't get single LaBooBoos. You have to get them in a family pack. You can, but it's easier to get them in a pack because the resellers want the profit.

So they're like, take the whole box. Don't just buy one. And where do you get them? You get them from your mom's friend's son on Staten Island. Okay, so I got to cross a river. Yeah, yeah. I got to cross a bridge. Get on a ferry.

To get a boo-boo-la-la. Yeah, I don't like it that much. It will never be that appealing that I'll do that much for that. And let me again say, for me, it was handed to me for free by my mother. Okay. You're doing well, Jerry. We hear it. We say, you have a mom.

I have a mom. You have a mom. Sharon, darling. If you're watching this, our two will take one. But I want it to be decked out like Jared's. Jared knows us. She's been to the show. Yes, she knows.

She knows us. Well, I'll work on it. Yeah. It would be fun to get another box and kind of hand them out to my friends. Yes. Yes. You know? We deserve.

You do. You certainly do. And then, you know what? I'll put mine in, like, FUBU. FUBU. Sydney will put her in FUBU. Okay, but if I get you a LABUBU, you got to act like you like it and appreciate it. I will.

You're going to flip it to her water bottle. Yeah. No, I'm going to get a smaller version of a water bottle and put it on my little boo-boo. Yes! I'm in, I'm in. Darren, make it happen, make it happen. Now I like how you're talking. All right, so now we got rid of that mess.

I guess we got to get into our mess. Okay. And you let us know how you feel about the mess. Okay. My mess is I don't ask enough questions when my friends invite me to things because I'm a friend. And I say, hey, if it's you involved, I got to go. i'm here for you baby i don't ask about time prices who's gonna be there nothing none of that because who's gonna be there we're gonna be there yes you and i till the day we die yeah and so a

friend asked me to go to new jersey to do shows already wait we doing a lot it's new jersey new jersey i don't i don't want to get on the path i don't want to do any of that why do i have to cross a bridge to hang out with you exactly there's not even any boo-boos in new jersey Yeah, but she doesn't live in New York. So I say, you know what? I got you, girl. Little did I know. I thought she was going to come to the city, pick me up, take me to New Jersey.

Right. Because that's what a friend would do. Oh, baby girl was on a flight. Oh, yeah, no, I'm going to get into Jersey through Newark and I'll meet you there. So how am I going to get to this place? Oh, well, you got to Google that. you gotta google how to get then she tells me where the place is and i said you're doing there that is what that's where you're performing that's where we're performing i say fine

you know what you're right work because i and she kept asking are you still good and i said why should you and that's that's that's a red flag and also mess for you if your friend keeps checking in and see if you're gonna go know the place is about to be bad yeah not good not fun but friendship um how do i get there i gotta go to port authority i don't go to port authority that's not i just like where why am i doing things it's not this is not makeup for port that's not in your star chart i don't have she's a port authority rising does these copicles look like they should be on a bus they shouldn't but they did i got on a bus for this friend the problem is is that port authority is so dated they have not updated

this place at all. Girl, I didn't know you took the bus. I thought you were taking a train. Oh, Marie. Oh. I took the bus.

Wow. And I just want to let you know, Jerry with a G at the ticket booth, not nice. Not nice. I mean, if I weren't

at Port Authority, I don't think I would be a nice person either. Jerry with a G, not nice. Your parents didn't believe in you. They were like,

oh, Jerry with a G. Oh, parents, I don't know if her parents are still with her because she was very much so an elder. Okay. Yeah.

And so, Yeah, but Spice Girls' Jerry was also a G. I know, but that had an I at the end and one R. So there's a little cunty. A level of cool. Yeah. Shout out to the Jerrys with a G and an I at the end. Yeah.

But I don't know if y'all have been to Port Authority. It's a place where people who don't have IDs or passports and they're just trying to travel. Yeah. They're trying to travel. They're probably paying them in cash. And that's cool. They don't want to leave a paper trail. So it was a lot of people going.

I think Luigi took a. I was just thinking. I was just thinking about Luigi Luigi left New York after the murder On a bus On a Port Authority bus Yeah Port Authority bus

Also ends with an I Luigi Conti, Conti, Conti Conti, Luigi There's always an I in Conti Yeah And then end it all, right? So I have my suitcase

I got my Telfar I got this thing All with me So I'm kind of blending in I'm blending in to Port Authority because I have a lot of things. There's a lot of people with tons of stuff. They've got bags with food in it. They've got big suitcases because they're going to Montreal via bus.

And so I'm fitting right in. People with different languages, white people in dreads. And that's where I was like, I've never seen so many alabasters with corn rolls and dreads and box braids in my life. And they were all there in Port Authority taking the bus. And I didn't pronounce the place right. So she said, let me see the address. Then I showed her the address. She said, yeah, that's not where you're going.

Jerry. You were on the wrong bus? Jerry. No, she just was like, because I was like, I want to get to Secaucus. And she said, let me see the address. You don't want to get to Secaucus. you said then she looked

at the place Rutherford or Rutherford or whatever and she said I asked her I said well how long is it going to take

I've never been over there I don't know that's what she said oh my god shout out to Jerry shout out to Jerry Jerry so that was mess

and then I got on the bus the bus driver wasn't even nice I thought I was she saw me with all this shit I thought I was going to be able to put myself down and then give her the ticket

I tried to give her I'm going to need your ticket I said Well, don't get comfortable until I know if you should be on this bus. Her name must also have been Jerry with an I-D-N. Oh, my God. Jenny with an I-D-N. So if you're a friend that asked me to do something, know that I'm going to be asking so many questions now.

A lot of questions. Sydney, I don't understand how you don't ask questions. When Sydney invites me to something that somebody else invited us to, I say, where's it going to be? Yeah. Who is that? Sure. Do I like them? What are you wearing?

I also think, like, you shouldn't have to ask these questions. I think that this information should be presented to you in the initial ask so that you can decide if you want to do it. Sydney already said yes with no information. I know, I know, I know. But it's like if I get like a request like that, hey, do you want to do a show blank? I'm like, can you tell me the time? Can you tell me the venue? Can you tell me like tell me everything.

Jared, you're an A type person. I'm B. Yeah. I'm like, you know what? I'm here for the vibes of this. I love you. Why am I? Is this an interrogation or what it is if I'm involved?

Yeah, let people know. Turn the lights down. Because the thing is, it's like the people who are asking you to work, they know the information. So why are you not giving it to me? Just give it to me. She's a friend and I usually say yes. If you tell me the dates, I'm available. Yeah, sure.

But to be fair, that's how Sydney gives information as well. I'd be like, she'd be like, hey, do you want to do this thing? When? Friday. Where? Where? At what time? I think it's near the Hamptons.

Okay. and what do I have to do? I don't know, girl, but just tell me if you want to do it. That's how Sydney, that's how you give me information. That's how I give you information? Yes.

Yes. And when have you said no? I've said no. When? I don't know. You were saying, we can do a lot of things together. Sydney was like,

it's near the Hamptons. It's nowhere near the Hamptons. I told you exactly, I said the Berkshires. I said, where's the Berkshires? You said, I think it's near the Hamptons. I said, okay. I ain't never been before.

okay Jerry all right Jared the Berkshires nowhere near no it's the other way so now I gotta go to Albany

tomorrow cause of Sydney oh wow anyway thank you friend you're going to Albany tomorrow the Berkshires are you going to

Port Authority I will be yes but I'm I'm going to Amtrak okay which is like a level above

more levels in a bus, Marie. It goes bus, train, plane. Right? I guess where's car in there? Car is kind of... Car. Car, bus, plane.

I borrowed my dad's car yesterday. You have a dad? I have a dad. Okay, Jerry. Like, what the hell? Yeah. You have a dad, a mom, and a le boo boo?

Okay, good. And a Gucci? Yeah, I have a Gucci. I borrowed my dad's car and I drove it from Williamsburg to Littlefield. And it was so powerful. What kind of car is it?

It's a very weird car that my dad bought. I don't even know why he bought it. It's a, I don't know. It's a blue SUV with a white roof. It's a kind of a goofy car. It's a 2007. He got it for $5,000 on Craigslist. Send us a picture.

We're going to need it for the day. A Craigslist car. Yeah. Actually, my dad and I both have Craigslist cars. So that's something. Like father, like son. It looks like a Power Ranger car. It looks weird.

It's more than that. likes it and apparently people like it and it drove me to Littlefield yesterday and it would have taken like 50 minutes on the train or 25 in a car and I got to do it I got to wear flip flops to the show because I didn't have to take the subway. You wore flip flops

in stage? That's mess, Jerry. I'm sorry. I just want to... Take a nice feed. Is it safe to drive in flip flops? Because in my mind... All the final destinations that I have seen I feel like have taught me that a flip flop will that's stuck under the gas.

Isn't that what happens with a heel? Well, girls take their heels off to drive. Or like a Birkenstock. A Birkenstock is sturdier than a flip-flop is. But a flip-flop is so thin,

it's not going to... A flip-flop is so thin, it's going to get caught and flip under. Look, again, I want people to like me, but if I lose people for my choices,

it's okay. I wore flip-flops to Littlefield on stage. Were you wearing a long pant? I was, yes. A boot cut or like an oversized... Like kind of like a baggy cargo, a white baggy cargo that like an ended scrunchie with white flip flops kind of match.

I'm screaming. Garrett, you're just, you're so. I don't like it because. It's too long. I just, I feel like you're not going to the beach. You're on stage. I'm not taking you seriously if I could see your pinky toe. Let me say, let me say.

Flip flops are very on trend right now. They're on trend. I don't know why. They wear them on the streets of New York, and I'm judging you. I'm literally being trendy. And also, I was not doing stand-up. It was a party. It was like a game show show where you're on stage the whole time.

And there was a nautical theme to the show. Oh. You didn't have a boat shoe? No, not with me. You didn't have a jelly? I did not have a jelly. Yeah. A kid, a white sneaker with no socks.

No. Okay. Well, some of us made choices yesterday. Yeah, I make choices every single day. And if you're on board with your choices, you know, just put a little palm tree under the comment. I want boats. I want a boat emoji. Yeah. In the comments.

What was my mess for the week? So, you know, my landlord is mad at us, at everybody in the building. So she doesn't talk to us anymore. She has somebody doing work outside the building. And I think they, I don't know what he's doing. He's painting the fire escape. It went from black to red. like brick red whoa why i i have no idea now that's a choice yeah it feels like danger danger

it red is the the fire escape now matches the color of the brick of the building right oh so it's a different red it's not that it's not it's not this okay it's like brick red oh interesting so my bedroom my fire escape is right off my bedroom yeah i don't have no curtains so i thought the man was done working i'm waking up i'm waking up this man is on the fire escape painting or whatever he's doing i'm butt naked in the bed whoa just so now i'm getting i have my laptop to cover me i'm trying to get up and run out with my big water water bottle and this is happening multiple days this week oh I never know when he's coming or when he's not coming today I woke up yeah in a panic because I was like he's outside

and I and there's nobody there but I have PTSD now from this fire escape yeah yeah that's mess that is that is mess well i was gonna say you told us this i did yeah with zach whoops but i didn't know that was still happening i didn't know that it was still happening days yeah i mean you gotta put a note zach was here last week he this guy was on my fire escape this week but then but this is what happened last week so the guy um left a ladder leading up to my fire escape no no no no suspicious for multiple days anyone can just walk up there anybody yep any pedestrian and that's what i messaged my um my landlord i said hey i don't feel safe are you trying to get me murdered yeah this is how bad she wants you out the apartment how badly

do you want this apartment back if i get murdered here i think you have to the price is gonna go down yeah or maybe it'll go up because it's me marie faustin used to live here New show, why are you dead? Why are you dead? Is that why the fire escape is red? Did she die on the fire escape? It's just crazy. So anyway, my mess is a two part because I also talked about this last week.

Whoops. But not having curtains is mess of its own kind. She has curtains. But also here's the thing. I didn't have curtains in my apartment for years and years. And I just never got curtains because I lived in an area, I guess, like kind of like you, where it's like you don't really need curtains if you're like high up. You know, I mean, I'm on the second floor. Yeah, you're high up enough.

You don't need it. I'm across from a bus stop. But whenever I. So you're an exhibitionist. Is that what you're saying? I'll be at the window like, what's the weather today? Alexa, what's the weather? Someone down there named Alexa.

I would feel it. Someone would walk up to the door and I'd be like, how dare they? They can just look in. What the hell? I have no privacy. But the whole time I could have bought curtains, but I just never did. And I understand that feeling. Well, the curtains in the rest of my apartment are sheer.

Yeah, and they're expensive. And then you order them and you don't even know if you like them. You with a little boo-boo on a Gucci. Curtains are expensive? Yeah. I don't want to. Look, we all have our lines. We all have our lines.

Curtains are expensive if you end up having to get them custom because a lot of the windows here in New York are not built like normal windows. Really? That's true. But even not custom is still expensive. Yeah, like you want to go just get window or treatments and you're like, okay, none of this actually fits. I have to buy eight pounds. That too, treatments? I'm already intimidated. Treatments, that's rich people talk. Somebody who has window treatments is somebody who like decorates their house seasonally.

Like, you know, like top, there's like top sheet, blanket, like all those words like fit. I don't know the difference. And I feel like with curtains, it's the same thing. there's like curtains treatments is there there's got to be another one there's a box

is there a box blinds there's another one though venetian venetian blinds venetian venetian what about the panel ones

that like hang like this there's another word and it's all it's yeah it's you know what the sheets are a fitted sheet

is the one I know what a fitted sheet is yeah but I don't always know the difference between sometimes I don't know the difference between like a duvet and a blanket

a duvet is the thing that goes in the cover yeah but I like the duvet and I don't need a blanket or a sheet I don't need a top sheet

I don't need a flat sheet I don't need a flat sheet I just do the fitted and then I do the duvet with the cover on top I just know in my life someone has asked me for a blanket

I've handed them a duvet and they've been like and I'm just like I don't know um that's all messy but jared what's your mess what did you come here to talk to us about today okay my mess is driving specifically me doing it well yeah you're driving flip-flops you ready to yeah yeah yeah and jared i've been in a car with you did you feel scared i want to say that you don't have a thing to put your phone on right yeah not always so you're just holding your phone

loose while driving while picking songs and talking where what this was in la this was in la we were in la and i said jared this is a lot going on a lot going on and i'm holding on the side yeah yeah you think that those features are not really important get in the car with me you realize oh i actually do want handles and i'll take a helmet if i could too now i feel like that's how people in la drive though no i'm i'm here's the thing it's like and by the way if you're driving right now while listening to this pull over get off the road i might be out there and it's not safe if i'm there um but it's i just get easily distracted that's the big thing keeping my eyes on the road is hard because I like to look around. There's so many things to look at. There's

music playing. And then what's really hard is when I have someone in the car with me who is now asking me questions and I'm talking and I'm trying to think of stuff to say back. So how many accidents have you been in? A lot. And it's crazy. This list just in the last two months, I've been in two. So one a month. Yeah, it's really crazy. My Geico, my insurance payments are now up to $400 a month. What are they supposed to be? They started out as like $200 a month. Two something a month. So it doubled. So every time you get into an accident

they add $100? Yeah. Insurance is a mess. Why am I paying for the insurance? Because I know you're going to get in an accident. I know, but why are you raising my insurance? I was paying for insurance. Because now we can't trust you because you keep getting in accidents. If you weren't getting into accidents, your insurance would still be low.

That's what the gecko told me. Yeah. I know. There's a thing called good driving discount, but I no longer am eligible for that for three years three years yeah

I have a lot to prove yeah I'm on probation for three years so Jared what made you decide hey I should just

be driving all the time I live in LA like you have to drive I also lived in LA and you know what I did I got a nap you stayed home

you didn't go anywhere that's not true I was out but I got in a lift okay well here's the thing can I tell you I've lived in LA for 14 years

The first 10 years, I did not have a car. Okay. I did not have a car for 10 years. Lime scooter? What were you doing? Not lime scooter, but I was like public transportation, which is really bad in LA, but I was taking it. Oh, the back air? Yeah.

Public transportation? I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, I was taking it. But then I was borrowing my friend's cars for a while, which was really great. But then after that, Uber started. There was a time where like Uber pool and Lyft line. like I would get from West Hollywood

to the airport LAX for $16 because no one was using because no one was using it it was crazy I didn't get a car for a very long time

I got a car during the pandemic so I could get vaccinated and then I had a car look at you being one of those people you know I've been in a car

with you in LA before too Jared I don't remember feeling scared sometimes I'm fine sometimes I'm that's the thing too it's like

I have the same thing with frustration with like working out where you talk to a doctor and they'd be like if you hurt yourself working out they'll be like well were you working out wrong and you're like no no but i how many push-ups have i done in my lifetime i'm gonna get a couple of them wrong like i'm not gonna do i'm not perfect i'm not a robot and when i'm driving it's like some days

i'm gonna drive perfectly fine i'm gonna get there no problem but that's not always gonna be the case and sometimes things happen i do think you let me choose the music though when you were driving me that time maybe maybe that's why i felt safe i just have to slow down i have to slow down and focused but it's just hard because it's like sometimes it does feel inevitable like I'm gonna hit something like I'm gonna hit nothing ever again we'll say that you two both are kind of like like just looking everywhere like not paying attention so not if I'm in the front seat of a car trying to get to a show yeah Jared and I were like oh my god that's right yeah yeah for your show yes yeah well I think I felt I felt important as a driver that day I was like I'm getting

marie to her show i'm the driver okay so maybe that's why i guess i'm not important i'll look inward thank you good to know the things you find out on mess now dad when you hit stuff what do you typically hit people it's the car in front of me it's the car in front of me that's the one i'm hitting well if you're in front of me get away the way I have had my friends scream my name put their feet up to stop I have one friend who I who was so scared that I was gonna hit the car in front of us because I do it a lot his his fear response was to put his feet up yes which is like that's gonna actually kill you that's gonna make

this so much worse for you and it did make me laugh really hard but I also again I do feel bad i don't want to make my friends i've made nori scream my name on a highway which is my bad but so you are super mario karting everywhere you go yeah yeah yeah yeah i gotta chill i gotta chill i gotta focus i gotta people are bad people are crazy on the road too like it's like i'm not the only crazy one like everyone out there is not i feel like la drivers are especially bad because everybody is from a different city, different country. It's all different driving rules.

It's kids with cars. It's old people with cars. And if it rains, everyone in LA is like, Oh my God. I exclusively am driving like 15-year-old Craigslist cars. When it rains, I feel like I'm in a boat. I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to make it. Like I can hear the rain inside my 2011 Mazda.

I'm like, it's bad. When it rains, it's fucked up and you shouldn't be driving when it's raining. but you shouldn't be driving yeah yeah or you should not be driving a car older than like six years if it's raining but isn't it that the tires the tires it's just the whole thing like the whole like if i was in like a big brand new like truck i'd be like oh let it rain but in a tiny little toyota yaris like you just you're hearing you're hearing it pour and like you're like how is this not like genuinely how is the water not spitting out of the ac so is your window that's what it

feels like your window you have to roll it up like manual no no but you can put your hand down please put your hand down yeah no i go like this oh i think i think the last time i drove a car was when i lived in la yeah how are you driving i'm not good at it yeah i wasn't good at it when i did it and now i'm even worse because i don't do it anymore so to me a car is so wide when i'm like i'm taking up the whole road so somebody trying to come by me i'm like i'm like turning into the cars that are parked next to me yes i can't i don't have spatial awareness yeah it's tough but also it's like driving is so scary because even if you're in control yeah of your car and you're doing the right things with your car yeah there's too many other cars not doing

that people don't signal i learned that in la no you do they do not use the signal why the signal there if you're not going to use people don't use it and then also there are so many like pedestrians uh and like bicyclists who are just kind of like trusting and like jaywalking and crossing and i'm like if you only knew how rarely i look up from my phone oh my god so you just you go right ahead and you just jaywalk right across the street and assume that no car is going to hit you you think anyone's looking up from their iPhone 14 Pro? Are you crazy?

If you're in the middle of the road, you are this close to flying over my car and me going, ah! That is so possible. Now,

are there so many pedestrians in LA? There's some, but there's not a ton, but there's some. Yeah, no car. Because whenever I walked

in LA, people would be like, what are you doing? Yeah. One time I pissed off a bicyclist who kept smacking the side of my car.

like to piss to just be like fuck I don't even know what I did because I was driving straight no there's no bike lane there's famously no bike lanes in LA they gotta work on that but like I think I must have cut him off at some point but like I truly made one right turn onto Fountain from my street so it had to have happened there but also like whatever I don't know and then it was a straight drive so I'm like I'm not turning I'm not changing lanes I'm not even moving but But then for like truly for like five full minutes, whenever he would pass, because, you know, we're moving at different speeds. And whenever he would pass, he would. And I'm like, I, I want to.

It's people are crazy. He must have been flirting. You think he was flirting? He's going. He's going. I loved your show. Big, big fan. Yeah.

Big fan. Justice for Quibi. uh jerry now you know famously there's um the stereotypes with yeah yeah with yeah with with with yeah and so what are you doing to combat that because it's like i'm holding it i am firmly i have rear-ended so many racists it is or or you've created so many yeah yeah i think i think You know, they say, they say like, they say the power of attraction, like thoughts are powerful. So if you're seeing me and you're, and you're making a decision about how I'm going to be

driving, you, you self-fulfilling prophecy, babe, what, what are you doing? What kind of magnetic thoughts are you thinking? Let's, let's think about that. That made me, that literally magnetized me into the back of your Honda. And this is you sober. This is you. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Literally. Can I tell you? I totaled my last car by rear-ending a school bus. Jared! Yeah. With kids on it? There were no kids on it. It was 7 o'clock.

That makes it better. For like 30 seconds, my heart was right. I was like, there's going to be 15 children piling out of that car. There were no kids in it. There were no kids in it. But what was I doing when I rear-ended? I was not drunk. I was not even looking at my phone.

I was going like this. You were looking at your phone. And stop and go traffic. Also, by the way, I don't even have names. Like, I'm just, I don't know what I was looking at. So when they take you to court and use this podcast as evidence, what are you going to do? How do you defend yourself? I don't.

I just say, I go, I'm human. And I'm Asian. He's just a boy. He's just a boy. I'm just a boy. No, but here's, you know, we pull over. I have insurance. It's going up and up and up.

I pay, whatever. But it's, you know, what can we do? I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to be better. I went two years without an accident. I did do that at one point in my life. So I'm trying to get back to that. Well, you sound like you're on a different streak now.

Yeah. Yeah, I am. The opposite streak. My mom is also a really bad driver. My mother got hit by a school bus once. Oh, no. Not her body, but her car. Yeah.

Okay. I was like, what? Was it on account of her bad driving? Probably. Yeah. And the front of her car was totaled, and she just had to drive that for like a little bit. Oh, wow. And she would come pick me up sometimes, and I'd be like, actually, you don't have to come get me.

Like, the car is loud. I can hear it before I see it. It's embarrassing. It was all crumpled up in the front. It's like a pride parade. But it's shame. It's a shame parade. And my friends would be like, can your mom give me a ride?

And then they would see the car and be like, nah, we're going to jump on the back of this truck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Jared, there's other forms of transportation. Have you tried that? Yeah, he was a bus girlie for a little bit. I did. It's so bad in L.A., though.

It's really bad. Whenever, like, the trains stop running correctly here, and I really just feel like, well, there's no point in living here. If the train is not going to work, there's no point in living here. But lately, I'm singing a new tune because I think about my insurance and my monthly payments, and I go, you know, is it so bad to spend 20 more minutes changing trains to get to where you have to go? okay fine we can people not getting any accidents no on the train no do you bump into people when

you're working up the stairs while you're looking at your phone sure i get i get a little crazy when i'm walking in the street and uh i suddenly get super impatient and i start walking really fast yeah because i do do that walkers yeah so that's probably what you do when you drive no it's literally no it's literally you're so right it's where we have to get you off the roads and the sidewalks. I know, I know. This is a lot. I need a helicopter.

Tell Shannon. Yeah, chopper me. Sharon. Sharon. Tell Sharon to get you a helicopter. Yeah, yeah. Chopper me to sesh later. I think they have Uber Heli.

They do. Yeah. They do, they do, they do. Blade, I think is what it's called. Blade. That's what the rich people use to get helicopter direction. Blade.

But helicopters are scary to me. No, they're horrible. Yeah, since Kobe. Yeah. And just since the beginning. Also, when you land, you're like, you're like on 11th Avenue or something. Like, where are you even? I don't know.

I think you're on a roof. Oh. Like a helipad. Okay. And you're just like, we're going to go downstairs. You got to shout. You can't talk regular on a helicopter. There's a helipad atop Union Hall.

That's the annoying thing about being in a helicopter. You can't hear. Like, when I was in Brazil, we were in Rio. We did like a tour. Okay. And this guy. Now, you're sounding kind of rich, too. Okay.

That's the annoying thing about being in a helicopter. When you're in Brazil. I was like, what? It's a vacation. Also, I didn't pay for it. So there's that. And that's the only annoying thing about helicopters. Sometimes you got to pay for yourself.

Could you imagine you land and they're like, they hold out an e-reader. And then what do you want to tip? I don't. Will not. No tip. Yeah, but it's like a 25 minute ride. And the guy is explaining all the things that we're saying. It's like, I was like, I can't hear.

I can't hear anything that you're saying. This is in Brazil. The ears. First of all, they're covering your ears. Yeah. So you can hear what he's saying in the microphone. But it's still loud as fuck. Yeah.

And then when you come down, you see all of the wind. and you're like, see, I'm afraid that I'm going to get out and then the hair is going to go away. Yeah. So I was on edge the whole time. Yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah, that's perfectly scary.

What's a good outfit to wear on a helicopter suit? Appropriate helicopter fit. I had a skirt on, a really cute skirt, and I had a tube top. Okay. Skirt seems like the worst thing to wear. I had a skirt. Because that's going to... Was it mini or was it long?

It was mini. I was in Brazil. Yeah. Did they see? They see butt all the time. People wear thongs. So it's like, why am I hiding myself? They invented ass in Brazil.

That's true. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Can you say anything in Portuguese? No. No. How do you say sorry or thank you? Abrigado.

That's what I was saying. They were like, abrigado. Is that wrong? Yeah. I'm probably butchering. I butcher regular words. That's true. You said that's true?

Damn. Okay. I come to Midtown to get tased. Jared, you say that driving is a mess, but you know what else is a mess is your shopping with the bags. We got to get into it. I don't think it's a mess. How many bags do you have in New York with you right now? In New York with me right now, probably four.

Okay. And you're here for how long? A month? For a month. I normally bring zero, but I'm here for a month and I'm not on the road. So I'm like, I checked a bag. Bring some bags. How many?

Now, how many bags did you really bring? Four. I swear. I swear. Okay. But what about home? At home, I have a lot. Probably like 15.

15 bags. Yeah. How many Telfar? Probably like six. Six. Now. Seven, eight. Eight.

Okay. Eight. Maybe 20 bags and eight of them are. Okay. You're lying. That's why I'm like, I don't believe anything that you're saying. I don't believe. people okay i have a lot i have a lot i pay my bills i don't know you pay your bills yeah you

pay your insurance i know that's that's tough jared now we need to know what you're doing underneath that's the thing i need to worry about a bag a bag every now and again fine crashing into people it's like you have to stop that's a problem that's a problem yeah a little purse yeah but you like a nice purse sure sure but i'm also getting like i'm so into it now where i'm like i like restoring bags so i'm now buying vintage bags restoring them and trying to like flip them not even for a profit but just to break even because it feels like then i can like if i can just have a new bag and then essentially like return it then i can enjoy it and just pass it along to the next person looking better than when i got it by the way how do you flip a bag like i

i have i have everything i have like soaps solutions like stain removers paints um like acrylic like top coats like i have i have just about i basically can do everything except like so so i can't like sew up a bag or like do anything too major structurally to it but i can really take it i can get most stains out i can like we're gonna need to see some before and Yeah, we're going to see that for the dump. But also, it's like, you're so busy, Jared. How do you have time to restore a person? I'm not.

I'm not. And what I should be doing is finishing my sample. And what I'm not doing, what I am doing is, like, painting, like, the piping back onto, like, a Gucci Charmy at Boston bag that I got for $2.80. Now, how much does it normally cost? It's, like, on most, like, on, like, eBay, most are, like, $400. So if I were to sell it for $400 Like minus fees and all I could probably like make $30

But then I got to have a Gucci bag And walk around for a few months And then make $30 I just want to know Are you asking Are you telling your therapist about this No it's none of their business Also I'm seeing a hypnotherapist

And that's another thing That is $180 every time I go. What are they trying to hypnotherapize you with? Like not stage fright, but like I have nerves at auditions. So you have somebody that's like, you're getting sleepy. And can I tell you, it's work. I've been going for two months. Within a month, I don't feel that.

I have my little Zoom auditions. I have my in-person auditions. I don't feel nervous like I used to feel. it's I booked something I don't know that it necessarily is because of that but I'm telling myself it is

and I'm using that as like I'm going to keep going and those are the funds to pay for it $180 for somebody to tell you not to be scared

yes it's really effective can I walk you through it yes I want to do this now because I'm actually I really think you should I'm feeling it

please walk me through it so basically like a friend turned me on to it who was a very serious person she's a writer she's like an overthinker she's not this is not like some like la woo-woo burner like um this is somebody we know you don't know them um but they're great and you would like them if you met them um and she recommended me to this person who was like right by my house i get there she also too similarly is like a really serious person you know she's a mother she has like clean

hair you know i'm going like this is someone you can trust right and then what she does is like she'll talk to you for like 10 to 15 minutes before each session starts where it's kind of just like talk therapy you're like what's going on what's bothering you and then once you do that you'll lay down and then they'll do probably like a 15 minute like relaxation meditation of like you know relax your toes relax your ankles feel your knees like calm and so you're all the way down and then she'll start doing essentially positive affirmations but they're kind of like are guided and they walk you through stuff where they'll be like i have nerve pain. So one of the things we work on, she'll be like, imagine you're in your brain and

there's a control system and that dial right there, that controls the nerve pain running down your leg. Turn that down one dial and let me know when you've done it. And then I'm kind of just laying there and I'm kind of psychically kind of turning it down. And then I go, I've done it. And she's like, okay, turn it down three more, you know, stuff like that. And it's really great. She told me from the beginning, she goes, the only thing you need for this to work is for you to want it to work and for you to want me to be the one to do it and that's all you need and i said okay great i'm first of all i'm stealing that line you want this to work yeah you need me to be the one to make it work that's you doing 10 minutes that's me that's me talking to a man yeah but it works

you i feel like you've already been telling them hey darling two things in order for this to work yeah yeah you want this to work you need to want me to be the one to do it yeah you don't want it to work and he's like i love you marie yeah and then marie's like no no no i didn't ask that'll be 180 dollars so you do this every week not every but two or three times a month and it's been a couple months now. I've gone like six times. That's crazy, Jerry. You're spending all your money.

So should we charge you for this pot? Because I feel like this is kind of like top tier. I would say it's worth it. In order for this podcast episode to work, you wanted to do two things. Sydney and Marie. You have to send two vendors. Yeah.

Exactly. But it's been great. Basically, she's like, you're not going to fall asleep. You're not going to like, nothing crazy is going to happen. You're not going to get tricked. Although sometimes when I'm laying there, I do have kind of like euphoric kind of elated feelings and basically i feel like she's training me to be a less pessimistic person cool she kind of she's unconvincing me every week of my anxiety i need i'm into that it's cool can if you recommend do you get a discount discount not to my knowledge but she should do that yeah does she take groupon she does it no she's no she's getting her money

getting her money she's getting her money no you have to be in person with her you don't but you want to be yeah right

you don't though you can do it on zoom with her yeah but it's not the same I need her to lay hands yeah she doesn't she's not touching you no

I need her to be like right above my aura I want her to be light as a feather stiff as a board light as a feather stiff as a board it's cool

I have like crazy little thoughts when I'm like down there it's really cool it's cool now have you always had anxiety yeah oh my god my whole life anxiety anxiety is mess it's such mess fully tricking you into believing that the worst is gonna happen like even when I'm running late I'm like oh my god

yeah this person is never gonna work with me again everybody's gonna be mad all the vibes are gonna be off and then I walk in and they're not there either yeah you know you do have to change your way of thinking because the way i approach lateness the way i approach lateness is i'd be like oh my god i wasn't meant to be on that train something crazy was gonna happen a 9-11 part two like i wasn't supposed to be there yeah yeah and so okay we're being late and by the way i think i could really help you in that department be on time yeah oh you're gonna crash into all the sessions with me yeah two sessions with me you'll never be late For $100 each.

For $100, you'll never be late again. How about you? Okay. Yeah. How are you going to do that? It's the Jared method. Okay. And thank you for asking.

Yeah, walk through it. And it starts with some pretty toxic ideology, but it's going to get you there on time. Toxic ideology? What does that mean? Yeah. So basically for me, I'm like, I, I don't feel, I feel like pretty in tune with time because I know that it's working against us all. And it's like, when I think, when I think how much time I have left, I usually will naturally subtract 10 minutes from it because I know time is a fucking little bitch and it's trying to hurt me. And then guess what?

I look at the time and I go, I was right about the time because I know time is against me. So here's how I'm going to get in front of it. And often I am late, but I know I'm going to be late. You said all of that to tell me you're just like me. When I'm late, when I'm late, I know I'm going to be late. And I've chosen to be late. Marie does too. What do you mean?

When I'm late, I know I'm going to be late. You're never in denial about that. When I'm on time, I'm like, whoa. This doesn't feel right. Is this a dream? Am I inceptioning right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although I was on time today, and I wondered if it was because I felt less pressure to be on time generally.

Because I thought we would start late. Why would you think that? Well, because Marie's currently working on being on time. Yeah, but we're in the building. I didn't know that. I didn't know. I didn't know. Yeah, we've been here since 2.

Yeah. Yeah. But we did show up late for the first one. The first episode. But we were late for each other. For each other. And that's all that matters. Look, as long as the sausage is getting made, it's okay.

No. No, we told you that, Jared. We all can work on our time. Okay, fine, you're fired. Push off. But I just need, so you think about how much time you have left? Yeah, like, or just in general,

like when people are like, you're trying to project, you spend your whole day projecting time to make sure you're going to get where you got to go, right? I just know, I'm like, everything takes forever. You got to start there. Everything takes forever. So it's like, if you think you can do one more thing,

you cannot. yeah you can't everything takes forever so it's like it's kind of getting ahead of like how time you you know that time is getting away from you so what you have to do is get in front of it in that way damn so um what's the latest someone showed up and you were like this is not gonna i'm i can't go through with this i'm actually leaving alex english alex english for my podcast for your oh how late was he to the pod he was like 50 minutes late oh he wasn't he wasn't gonna come yeah yeah i don't even know why he even showed up but it's like he's in la he's not you know he's like he was leaving later that day he's in a car like he's not he doesn't he's not familiar

with where he is i get it but it was really late and i was like damn and i'm also going look i'm not paying him to be here so i can't really like i can't hold this against him but i'm like okay this is late you were like but i am paying for the studio time 10 a.m and i was like i got up to be here at 10 a.m damn yeah yeah let the record show that i was on time early even to your podcast you were but i walked there damn because i was close yeah and i haven't done it but also again i am late all the time i'm late all the time i'm often i'm often like six minutes late which is i think the cuntiest way of being late because it's like you could have been on time but you you just chose to dom us in this way to let us know like you don't fully respect us i actually

really love six minutes late i'm never six minutes late i love i love that i think yeah that's the cuntiest way to do it yeah it's just like you could have been here like yeah you know it's one thing to be maybe 50 minutes late because you are not from here or something went wrong or the car but to just be six minutes late it's like you could have done it and if you're gonna do six you could have done 10 so you might just wait downstairs and wait till it hits nine and then go up yeah yeah sit in your house for an extra couple minutes just so you can be late and then go yeah exactly but yeah no sydney um last week was talking to me about my lateness and she was like everything takes an hour an hour more than you think it does yeah it does things really do

take a long time they take longer than in the city like it's like a pigeon that jumps in front of the train then you know the train is down for at least you know 45 minutes like we we can't depend on anything like we can't depend on the cars the trains the people no nothing but then And you're like, we'll get there. And it's like, should I even have been on time for this? And that's my least favorite thing. Yeah. Did I need to come?

I was recently one hour late for dinner. With who? That just came back to me. With who? With my friend Kitty. Why? Because it was work related. You were working on bags.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was given a little bit of surprise last minute work. Someone sent me something. I was editing something and they sent me something to look at. And I was like, oh, I got to look at it right now because he's editing this right now. So then I sent her a message like, hey, like, just, you know, I'm going to be like probably 30 minutes late because I just got this thing. She was like, no problem. I've been wanting to journal and I can just sit here and journal and wait.

And then I was one hour. That's kind of lame. Hey, I was just going to I was going to write to myself. So that was lame. The journaling. Not the late. No, I'm not saying that. When she says that, you go, actually, never mind.

I'm not coming at all. Sydney goes, I'm sick. I was like, 30 minutes is not going to work. I actually have something after, which is a journal for myself. See you tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. Sydney's at home in her journal like, what a dumb bitch. And I got there and I was sweet and I ended up paying for the dinner because I felt guilty.

But also when I looked her in her eyes, I could see that there was some salt in her eyes. I could see it. And I'm like, that's fair. Like, I'm late. Like, I'm late. I'm late. And I'm sorry. That's what it is. Marie, if you show up late to places, you should pay. Well, when I'm late to places, I'll jump in a car and it doesn't matter how much the Uber costs. I'm like, that's the fee that I have to pay for my lateness.

So I do pay sometimes. Yeah. Specifically to go to the cellar and places like that. I'm like, I can't take the train. I can't risk it. I have to get in a car. $45. Well, that's the fee for me being late. But then sometimes traffic is the real variable. Because it's people like you driving. How about that?

Hitting school bus children. There were no kids on it. There were no kids on the bus. Have you ever hit a person? No. Not outside of their vehicle. I've hit many people who were in the confines of a steel vehicle. And you haven't hurt anybody in a car?

No. No. No one's ever got out of the car like, ah! No, I've never been in like a psycho car accident. Because it's truly like, it's just my, I'm not paying attention. Like it's stop and go usually when it happens. Like I'm like we were supposed to stop and I was looking that way. So then I kept going and then I went and then I just like at 10 miles an hour.

But that's the thing about cars. They're so they're strong, but they're delicate. And if they touch each other, all this crazy shit happens. The chemistry between two cars touching all this stuff happens. If I had any way to revoke your keys from you, I would. I know it's really there is a little bit of that. you hearing you speak i'm like we can't have you on the roads i know yeah i know it's do you get like points on your license or something no i think you do if you like that work i think you

get no you get points on your license for like from like cops from like speeding or right like that's kind of where the points come from and i i do speed i was gonna say i don't speed that has a cop ever stopped you once but it was dumb it was so dumb it was so dumb I basically like it was a left it's so boring but I do want to explain it

I was turning left and you know how like when you're looking at the road like there's a left turning lane that kind of like carves out towards the light basically that was empty the left turning part but I'm back but it's empty so then I go oh I just kind of went but I went

outside of my double line to go catch up to that a cop saw me do that who cares but he was on a motorcycle and his face was all red and he was mad anyway so i made the left and then he pulls me over and i put and i'm so flustered and scared and he he comes out of his car and he was so mad at me and they're always so mad it's like nothing happened like literally nothing happened what are you so mad like did i hurt your feelings like i think cops have to be mad they're mad when they they just have to be mad and he was just like so mad at me for for doing that traffic violation that hurt no one and didn't matter and it was like a 300 ticket it was so that's like two telphars like and you still haven't learned your lesson no i never will bitch okay i never will

that is the shirt that's merch paint that on one of your beds jared i have a um mess versus living for you okay okay uh roommate situation a roommate wants to get an animal a pet okay other roommate he's like first said yeah sure i i think i'm down for that Now, they're like, hmm, I don't know. I don't know if we can get a pet. It's like, I want to get the pet. Would it be mess if I just brought a pet in the house and was like, you're going to love this pet. It sounds like Sydney's mess.

Um, yeah. I think, I think that's... It's a cat, mind you. Yeah. If they agreed at one point, I think you can do it. If they said to you from the start, no, I'm not comfortable with that. No, thank you. Then, sure.

But if they're kind of waffling on it, at one point said, yeah, sure, who cares? You're fine. Get a cat. Cats are easy. They're going to love the cat. I think I'm living.

I don't think that's a mess. Marie? He changed his mind about you getting a cat. Damn. Wow. He said I got a foster one first. It was like, I've had cats before.

Yeah, that's like so insulting. Oh, he doesn't trust you as a mother. Why would you not trust me as a mother? I mean, yes, I did give up those cats. That's okay. That's fine. I put it on my tombstone.

Gave up my cats for love. Yeah. She was a sister. She was a daughter. She was a best friend. She gave up those cats. Yeah. Yeah, put it on a tombstone.

That will be in the program, Suze. No, you're fine. But how long did you keep the cats? For years. Years. How many years? Years. Years.

Years. Years, right? At least five. Well, that's always in a relationship, and that's mainly on that person. But when I took over, what, two years? I think two years. Okay.

That's years. Years. That is years. Okay. So you said that's living. I said, yeah, you're living. Get the cat. Okay.

Great. That's good to know. I'm going to do that. Redacted roommate will be fine. Redacted roommate. Are you doxing your roommate here? No. Okay.

Well, everybody knows who the roommate is. Redacted. Redacted, been on the pot. Yeah. marie do you have a mess versus living yeah mess first living um you're riding shotgun with somebody so you're not driving okay you're riding shotgun they they put their feet up and scream your name no or or they if their foot is hanging out the window is that messy or just living if their foot's out the window they're driving but this foot is hanging out the window and i'm the

driver no they're driving this foot is up oh is that messy or is that um i mean here's the thing i want to say it's messy but i am fully crashing into people for no reason so i cannot be out here giving people notes on their driving i can't so you're living what about if you're right driving with somebody you get into an accident they get out and they run away but they don't tell you they're running they just go here's the thing i it's okay i think compassion i have been in i've i have rear-ended people they've gotten out of their cars we've we've assessed the damage it's my fault they look at their car they go that's fine and i go oh thank you so much and i have paid that forward i had someone rear-end me because i decided for a while i was like i'm

to start stopping at yellow lights because that's what you should do girl no it's slow down even i know that well slow down but like essentially like don't run it like if you see the yellow i think most people run it yes slow down but speed up that's what it means i know i know for for some reason i decided you know i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna stop and smell the roses i'm gonna stop at a yellow light and i did get rear-ended but also like you shouldn't like you should slow down you shouldn't be yelling you were gonna speak yes exactly exactly exactly but then he rear-ended me and he got out of his car and he was young and he was like i don't have any insurance and he he cracked my bumper but i was like you know what it's cool and then he just bed right

i honestly i would have appreciated a little bit more of a thank you from him he was like just see you yeah he was like fine and left um but yeah it's if if you're in an accident and everything's fine just if you can just leave it just leave it like don't be vindictive don't don't be too obsessed with the physical condition of your car i want my car to be cute if i worked hard to get this car to look nice and now you bumped into it and it's got all these scratches i almost got murdered getting this car from craigslist and now you want me to sit here with a cracked bumper absolutely not absolutely not so get some nail glue or something you need to fix this okay so that's mess i say it's living yeah well i don't know one time i was in a cab accident uh and we

spun we spun 180 into the into the uh intersection and i like came to when i was smelling smoke it was so crazy it was four of us in the car i was somehow miraculously fine i was like in the right part of the car where i just got flung but nothing happened and then we get out of the car I'm like, guys, we got to get out. We got to get out. We all get out. We're all basically okay. And when I kind of did a body scan to realize that, I just ran.

What? I panicked and I ran. And I got into another cab and just left. And my friends were like, what the hell? Where did you go? And I just, like, I have a fight or flight. What is wrong with you? You just ran.

Accident. No, I was just like, I don't know. There was just some part of me that was just like something terrible happened and I want to get away from what just happened. So you ran away? I ran away. I ran away. That's a scene in a movie. That feels like super bad or something.

It was very weird. But, you know, the body, the human body is a mystery. Are you avoiding? Hugely. Are you kidding me? Hugely. Hugely. Yeah.

The Jared body. Yeah. The Jared body. Sydney and I almost got into a car accident in Cleveland. Okay. Right? We were in an Uber. We were in an Uber.

There's like purple lights all set up inside. And we're listening to Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. The driver's, you know, some older guy. We're like, whoo. They're like drag racing or doing donuts in the middle of the intersection. Okay.

And me and Sidney, it felt like the car was going to spin out, lose control, and hit us. So Sidney's like, move back. I'm like, oh, my God. I was like, no, no, don't go that way. I'm screaming. me i'm yelling i'm like i'm like back up back up back up and mateo's calm and all i'm thinking is i cannot die in cleveland this is not how i go yeah and secondly if we die they're not gonna put me and sydney's names in the article it's gonna say mateo lane and friends and his openers

no others and others die mateo lane and comedians die in cleveland car crash comedians in cars Just dying. That's what they would have done. Comedians in cars. Getting concussions. Getting concussions. And I was like, I can't die and leave it.

But we were fine. Wow. It felt like we were going to die. In the purple lights with Prince still playing while we're like, Patrick! Yeah.

It was actually, if we were to like something, I'm like, this is actually romantic. I'll pass. That's not how I want to do it. Yeah. Anyway,

anything you want to leave us with before we go? I feel bad for saying that stuff about Alex English. Why? He's a great guy. He was late. Great. He's nice.

We support him. I heart Alex English. Yeah. I heart Alex English as well. I heart Alex English at I Heart Media. But he actually came on this pod and the first thing he did was drag us for being late to our own pod. Oh. So he gave us a good 10-minute lap.

Interesting. So I don't mind. So I'm glad this is. He was also late. Yeah. Was he late? Yeah. He was late.

but that's how we were that late we were that we were later than him yeah we were so late damn also from the footage from your pod it doesn't seem like he was late did you talk about it on the podcast no no no okay peek behind the curtain well tell the people listening where they can catch your pod uh it's called sorry what um follow me at hey jared hey i love you Labuba loves you you don't want to follow this come on yes

now he's got to be on adventures does he have a name the name is HeHe they all have a name they already have this one's name is HeHe but I would maybe

I would think about changing it his name is HeHe yeah yeah I like that well I just like it because it's like oh I'm a comedian

it's named HeHe it's laughing yeah that kind of feels appropriate yeah okay he looks less evil also I have this one

because my niece doesn't like the color gray you know she was like she wants pink and purple and yellow so i got stuck with the gray one but the gray is cool he looks like a bunny yeah no i love the gray it kind of looks like a rat when it turns around yeah i don't like a little rat he needs a hat in the outfit that's the only reason why i'm like into this so that's why i want to order can you can you make one for me does he did he come in the white shirt or is that part of the you know when you pat a baby's back yeah but is the shirt part of his fit or that the shirt's part of the order We did that with the hat and stuff.

The shirt's part of the fit. Came with the, it's a three-piece fit. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Love it. List it. Want it.

Hee hee. Hee hee. At La Boo Boo. At Pop Mart. Well, everybody, keep listening to Mess. Tell your friends. And leave us messages. We need them.

Please. I hope you listen to this in the car. Yeah, yeah. And? And keep your eyes on the road. Unless you're leaving us a comment. Yeah. In which case, do that now.

Do that right now while you're in the car. I've never gotten in a car accident while texting. Now you just jinxed yourself Knock on wood Knock on the la voo voo Also that's not that impressive I've also never gotten into a car accident But I'm just saying

I get into car accidents a lot It's never when I'm texting I'm very good at texting while driving Okay You heard it here first folks I'm bad at driving while driving That's the title of the episode Texting while driving

It's Jared Goldstein Bye Bye mess with sydney washington and marie faustin is a production by will ferrell's big money players and iheart radio podcast created and hosted by sydney washington and marie faustin executive produced by olivia aguilar and han sani super produced by becca ramos edited and mixed by brian jeffries if you would like your messages read on air please email us at mess the podcast at gmail.com or call for your messages to be played at 763-280-6588

We'll be right back.