MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - A New Year With S&M

Episode Date: January 5, 2018

We're talking about cocky ugly men, old moms and butt sex. Marie is busy, blessed and finally joins Bumble. Sydnee finds out her girlfriend is cheating on her but you'll be shocked to find out with who. Roll up your saggy boobs & pull up a chair!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

hello hello welcome to the unofficial expert podcast okay happy new year happy new year okay this is already not going the way that i feel like it should be going happy new year marie should we take this from the top no i think this is good of course you do welcome to the unofficial expert podcast with sydney and her male friend marie i feel like i had gotten my voice back and now it's this again but like it's like a light man voice this is the voice that i know you as this is truly your voice honestly this i feel like this is also my voice this is your personality i don't remember real dry and masculine ashy ass voice

my throat real dry girl you parched let me sip some water actually you know i got my uh my humidifier and uh oil diffuser plugged in right now uh you're shaking your head because that's what you should have got me for christmas but it's not what oh my god are we gonna talk about this again i got you two leathers i just listen i just real quick wanted to just recap i i got you two leathers i got two leathers um so sydney got me some um some real messy christmas gloves so oh jay simpson gloves i did and then she you know she redeemed herself by getting me two really cute pairs of gloves um i got you the oh jay simpson gloves because i'm funny i was being no you were not being funny you was being last minute and you was being desperate

funny sis the desperation in kmart yo even even the salesperson was like you want leather gloves here i said yes here the people who work at kmart don't even shop at kmart they said uh yeah if you find any in the in the garbage can near the bathroom they were like um you know how target just opened up in manhattan it's not that far from here and you were like i don't have time anyway so uh sasha one of our friends through comedy you know he comes to see the shows he supports us here and on the bonus episodes and regular episodes whatever thank you he uh he listened to the episode and was like yeah i'm tired of listening to marie sound like a man so i will get the humidifier so i just got it and uh it's plugged in right now and uh it's beautiful

it's a beautiful thing it's making my room smell like lemongrass i'm quite jealous because i'm like damn why didn't i ask for a humidifier but i have one i already have one i mean i can't put no oils and shit in it but it's a larger one for a larger room and uh i'm very appreciative of it it's i mean it's not mine it's adrian's but you know okay so sydney you are one of these like it's i wanted two kids i am why is that can we get into that i am because you act like an only child but i know that you're not i but i am an only child i am i didn't grow up with my brother and sister they're 18 19 years older than me let's get into how how your mom was hoeing for a cool 25 ramona was getting down with the get down um she i don't know what happened man she i don't know she's how

old was she when she had 30 something 30 something so she's like your mom is like 90 now no bitch fuck you my my mother is well let's do the math i think she's in shut up marie we're not doing the freaking math just know that she's an older woman in her early don't you dare don't you dare your brother and sister are 20 years older than you and you're dude and your mom was 50 30 when she had them so she was 50 she was 30 when she had you yeah 30 something so she was 10 when she had your brother or sister can we can we break this math down dude that don't make no sense i don't know i don't think you know how old your mom was when she had you i think she she was not in her 30s she was like 35 so she was 20 something when she had my sister no no no not 20 something that

means they're not 18 years older than you dude they are definitely 18 years older than me well let's do 35 minus 18 okay because i feel like do the math you want to see your mom let's do it your mom wait 35 and i don't trust you so let me see the calculator 17 no well that's not true your mom was 17 when she had both your brother and sister no she she i think she had my sister when she was in like 20 okay so she was well the story is his real mom is lying dude no she was 38 when she had you i actually honestly believe it i believe that she was 38 when she had me because i feel like she was done she was tired when she had that's why i lived in california i lived in california as soon as i was two i was in california from 2 to 13 she didn't even really take care of

no offense shout out to ramona for doing her best she was if you want to be on the podcast as the as the old mom expert no i mean we're we've also extended we've also extended the invitation to janet jackson because she's 50 yeah she had uh wasin's son yeah you don't have to listen you don't have to be a certain age to have a child yes you do actually because your eggs dry up and they die oh my god there's a lip you okay all jokes aside you think push it to the limit you You could be 70, a 70-year-old woman and have a baby? Listen, push it to the limit. Figure out, find out.

People never know. What do you mean you never know? You do know. You go through menopause, you can't have kids no more. That's science and God. Really, Sid? Janet had it when she was 50, so there's hope. Yes, but you can't have a baby for your entire life as a woman.

No, no, no, no, no. I feel like 50 is the cutoff. 50 is the cutoff if you're a billionaire. 50 is not the cutoff. I don't want to be old. You can't be grandma, mom. so you think 50 is grandmama grandma mom yeah grandmama 50 years when that means when your kid is 10 you 60 kids like yo ma let's go uh take a sled down the hill you're like no my hip not

good nah you know this the titanium hip i'm waiting for the platinum hip to come yeah you know i got that pressure cooker in my chest so i can't graduates from high school and you are 70 No, you're like 67. Yeah, that's not going to work. That's grandma mom. You might not even see a kid graduate from college. I'm trying to take finals and I'm getting a call

Hey, your mom fell at the nursing home. And it's like, wait, what? I'm trying to prep for exams. I know. Or your mom passes away before you even get to college. So actually people get a GoFundMe together and get you more money.

so maybe it's better that that your mom died wow what did you say about your mom last night on the phone that made me want to hang up with you what today oh oh sydney said i can tell from what you're talking about her mom turning up her mom having men at the house no i didn't say this sydney said uh i could tell by the way she walked ramona don't do anal why would you say that about your mom i hadn't got with way too many white people because the way i talk about first of all i'll call my mother by her first name which is a white person move super rude classic becca it's very like casual it's like it's almost like she didn't raise me well she didn't i mean she did but i mean it's almost like she's not my mom but she is i love

you mom i love you if you listen to the podcast i love you so much if you listen to the podcast please come on the podcast and come and be our um church lady expert or something really lady who wear hats in the house expert no actually my mother's very free when she's home she barely wears clothes she'd be naked at that that's an old lady move son that's like your mom is not in her 60s your mom is in her late 80s mid to late 80s all people stay naked or they wear that that extra large yo i remember i remember in high school yo i would always see my mother's titties i would be like yo honestly mom put on a bra and she's like especially in the summertime she's like oh i will not i cannot i will not will you be that comfortable you think around your kids

just titty like shirtless there's a part of me that's like ew that's nasty and there's another part that's like it's just titties but it sounds like most of the parts of you are saying that's nasty because they were so long i'm like damn mom roll those shits up they're as long as jeans i was like dude you know how like when you like pull the toilet paper and it's like yes yes you gotta like re-roll it and it's never quite rolled straight that's what she had to do that's my mom's boobs but honestly it taught me to just be free with your body and not make such a big deal so whenever we were like changing in a locker room and stuff with the like my friends you just had your bush all out well i was flat

chested so honestly it was like a back on back situation it was like sit turn around oh you're looking at me yeah you're looking right at me okay got it yeah wow that was pretty much the situation but it just made me like free i i mean now that i'm where i'm at you know my boobs are fake so i don't care but i still i'm saying you will be you'll be at your kids dance recital with a see-through blouse on like that's my daughter in the back because you know you can't whisper so it's gonna be real loud and uh you're gonna be on snap and uh you your boobs are gonna be on your kids you think i'm gonna be that kind of mom yep you're gonna be a cool mom what y'all talking about listen i would rather you guys smoke in the house i would never i would never

be that mom i would be the mom that's like listen whatever you do never have a diary because that's gay and uh you're gonna be a gay lady telling people what's gay yeah yeah diary no diaries no uh expressing your emotions too much that's a lie that's not you're not any of those you're gonna be like you go your kids are gonna wake up you know how like kids will wake up and sleep in their parents bed you they're gonna wake up and you're gonna be in their bed just like i just i just wanted to make sure can we can we check it that's you that's so mean you won't be real annoying yeah well because like i said i didn't grow up with my brother and sister i was pretty much the only child forever when i came back to new york uh my mother adapted my niece

so adopted your niece she adopted my niece your mother just likes having young people in her house the older she gets it was the it was really a messy situation but you know i learned a lot i hated you learn i hated my niece forever i hated her i feel like you and your niece are the same age she's like four years older she's older than you no four years younger than me older than you she's four years younger than me that is some hood people math right now i don't know i can't do the math i can't i don't know anybody's age to be honest that's why i know that your mom did not have you when she was 38 you can't do math and you don't know anybody's age your mom was a cool 46 when she had you but anyway yeah i never i i didn't know what it was to like to have siblings

like that and i didn't have a ton of friends so like soon as i got to college yeah but how did you not have a ton of friends you talk to everybody you talk you you basically roll on the ground when You see a dog that you like. You talk to every single person. How dare you? I do not roll on the floor. Oh, you don't take a knee when you see a dog? I do take a knee.

You be taking knee. I'll be like, this is embarrassing. I'll be like, I don't know her. She's half white. No, I wasn't as outgoing as I am now. When I was in high school, I was a nerd and I wasn't confident. You wore glasses? No, I didn't have glasses.

But I was one of those people who didn't wear glasses, but it seemed like there was invisible glasses. like them thick ass coke bottle glasses but i've seen pictures of you as a kid you had glasses what happened you lost them and your mom was like well i'm not going back to vision world no i said fuck it i'm not wearing them i just didn't wear them i was like i'm not gonna wear this this makes me look like a nerd so when did you start wearing glasses um in the fourth grade and when did you stop in the fourth grade so i started wearing glasses in sixth grade my dad got me the little chain the librarian glasses chain dare samuel oh my god so i would

wear the chain out of the house and then i would take him off when i got on the bus of course and then i would be coming off the bus and i'd be like my chain and i'd be looking for it and i'd put it back on it's so hard because i would have lost that chain like immediately i couldn't keep up with it you know my dad was like you're gonna lose your glasses what like people's glasses don't just fall off their face yeah you need them they're on but sometimes you could take them off and lose i always just left them on the doctor told me i needed them just to see the board and to drive he thought it was funny because i was like 10 and to drive dr humor and my dad was like and my mom and dad were like well if you leave them on all the time your eyes will get corrected faster

what happens i just get lazy yeah i'd be like oh i'm just gonna go on break sis i do have a mini door explorer uh lazy eye when i look wait what is the door of the explore a lazy eye it kind of like it kind of moves like when one eye goes one direction it doesn't go the same direction as the eye so that's why when i try to take pictures of me like looking up and like looking to the side you can kind of see that my fucking eyes are not aligned everybody pause the podcast and go look at all the selfies i don't do i will not do the look because i can see that my fucking eye is not in the same direction i'll show you a picture and then one lazy eye i don't know honestly i feel like both of your eyes are pretty lazy

to be honest with you i think so as well my eyes don't do overtime they don't clock in or clock out they're just there that's that don't make no sense anywho thank you for getting to start on the right foot i feel like we did i mean we talked about my mother not doing anal like first of all and then Sidney tried to anal shame me she tried to backdoor shame me did I yes you were like well Marie what were we talking about yesterday that you were like I legit was like I'm about to hang up you hung up on me like seven times and I called you back I have a snowstorm to prep for every time you hung up on me I called back like hey hey something happened we just keep getting disconnected speaking of disconnected okay

boom let's talk about this okay so we had a show last week of december right cute space it's a new monthly show that we're doing and this guy in the front we were talking to him the whole night right we're just like kind of like cracking jokes or whatever because that's what we do we kind of roast the audience because we're rude and fearless really and so i was joking about like going to his house to watch netflix and like bringing my friend with me and blah blah blah it's real funny the videos on my instagram and uh this dude comes to talk to me at the end of the show and asked me for my phone number i was aghast because i thought he was gay i didn't think he was gay but i could tell the way we were joking he was taking that shit serious he really was he he really liked that i

kept saying that he had money i was like he got marils on and stuff and he was like oh he didn't with any money because he didn't we saw him leaving he had all his art supplies with like like blick blick or blink or whatever art supplies because he was getting up and somebody was like oh he's an he's an artist he ain't got no money somebody said that yeah i don't remember who i was talking to you said art supplies yes dude like the the big like the michaels for art people like people who like he had like a michaels bag or something like that well maybe he's like you know a big deal no no real artists real artists true artists they have no tools they have no they got the tools at the crib or the gallery they get sent to them they're not gonna blick

nola darling some colored pencils oh man anyway so he asked me for my number i gave it to him because you know this is the year of the yes i've been saying yes to things already for the last couple days and he messaged me and i was like he was like i'm gonna i'll be in touch later in the week to set up a date and i was like okay that sounds like some rich people stuff you know set up a day i'll have my uh i'll have my intern contact you my assistant reach out anyway he messaged me while i was at the movies the other day i saw shape of water guillermo we were supposed to go together well you didn't really want to go anyway so here's what he said he said uh because he kept calling me and i was like i'm not interested like he's not my type my type is

not effeminate white balding men my type is manly black dudes that's my new type right anyway so i never saved his number i just got this weird 945 number calling me oh sis it's with a green bubble sis and it's green it's a green bubble text it's a green but it's is it an lg he got a lg or a galaxy he got a nokia flip anyway he said to me i wish i knew you better i'd invite you over afterwards to keep each other warm on this oh so cold night sis where were you i was eating cheesecake in williamsburg okay at midnight when i got that okay now keep it going uh and then he was like what are you seeing at the movies i told him he was like you know he's talking we're both on the q train let me take you out for a cocktail tonight oh girl now that is when it

gets real lifetime channel or we're both on the train how do you know we that's what i said because i was sitting on the train when i got that text it was 12 50 you were not scared listen i would have dropped everything i'm like i'm getting off this train no no no no no i was two stops away from my house one two i don't remember enough about his face to know who is it what it so i'm on the train i'm looking crazy because i'm like yeah i don't who is he and then i said how do you know i'm on the queue he said you said it at the show no need to buy me a drink i'll buy you one i was like oh i'm on the train right now but the fact that he's remembering everything you said that's scary to me because i don't even remember half the shit that you say because you always

saying so much girl i first of all shade second uh i also don't remember saying that at the show i don't remember that either i don't remember that but when he said get your we're both on the queue let me get you a drink tonight i was like is he watching me right now boo right that is that is truly some lifetime movie stuff and you know what but the cute thing is is that it's black and it's happening to you i don't see that in the movies so this is like you know you got a little stalker this is not a me this first of all the stalker episode not teach you nothing what this rashida's stalker episode i mean but rashida was getting shoes and stuff this is just you know this is light this is like the preliminaries of stalking this is the qualifying round for stalking

okay so then he says i was like uh he's like get off at the seventh avenue let me know when you're arriving i'll be at the station to meet you that's 104 in the morning fucking crazy i was already here how bold is this man who's wearing a shriveled up cardigan well let me not be mean yes he was he was wearing a cardigan the cardigan confidence that he has to think that you're gonna get off their train at 1 a.m listen listen but listen to this the the way that he looks doesn't equal the way that he's talking to me but that's how it works it's not how it works no it is because the the good-looking dudes they're gonna be like yo you're gonna come to me i'm not gonna say much you know you you're gonna be pressed for me but the guys who don't look good they're they're the

one's yapping they like the gag is that i look too good for you to have my phone number one well you're very confident oh sis i was this confident last year you're real confident new year's new year say me i said he said good night beautiful i'll call you tomorrow i didn't respond then he texted me yesterday marie let's meet for drinks friday night in the village what time he texted you yesterday 9 57 p.m i didn't respond okay well see first of all if you want to make plans you gotta hit me midday what you hit me late at night i'm late at night but two days in advance though no but it's still late at night i might be missing your text you you work right you're a comedian i was at business hours he got nerve he do got nerve also i got two shows

on friday night i'm booked and busy booked busy and blessed right so this morning 12 34 p.m one two three four make a wish i hope you're writing me an essay but seriously let me know by five or i'll ask another woman the audacity of this regular well wrap it up then wrap it i said wrap it up then i said i waited legit two minutes later responded you know what i'm good ask another woman you got way too i'm confident but i feel like it's justified then wrap it up then you're gonna tell me i have until five o'clock to hit you up or you're gonna ask another woman you could ask another dog okay you could ask another white man you could ask another wizard you could ask anybody you could ask god on a date it's not gonna happen you you're not my type i legit was just in it for

like a drink and a story right you're gonna say that on the podcast is absolutely you're deterring your future uh people i don't want to date anybody who listens to the podcast that's a fact because you know if you are marie's type you should stop listening in one two three stop listening now i hope you're writing me an essay if i don't hear from you by five i'm asking someone else he sounds like somebody who's like at least 40 he's crazy that's a 40 year old man look a cool 40. He's like, well, if you don't write me back, I'm going to talk to another woman. But I know he's old

because he kept calling me. Who calls people? That's rude. And he called you on a house phone, on a landline. He hit you with a rotary. He got a rotary telephone. He's like, seven, one, eight. His phone is two pieces,

like the ear piece is one piece and the mouth piece is another piece. Hello. yes operator uh can you get me marie faustin please uh i got a telegram message coming through he sent a carrier pigeon to my house and i was like ew that rat got wings he sent you one of those singing telegrams uh hello miss marie you better be writing me an essay i better hear from you by five five see you on the q chain at 1 a.m so i blocked him i sent that message i didn't even want the response back i just blocked caller immediately girl you bad and bougie but you know what he probably gonna be at the next show you think listen somebody like that just the the

the level of confidence he gonna show up and be like well what happened that's what's gonna happen sidebar side note where are my stalkers okay i would like some stalkers in 2018 oh my god not stalkers but i just want some of the overzealous fans you know somebody to just come through and be like oh my god i heard you were having like a crazy week i brought you this you know boar's head sandwich with extra cheese like that's what i want i want that sandwich also comes with a side of dick dough and if it's a chick she wiped you know she wiped the rye bread in her cat you think she wiped it in her vagina and then she put it back i just want some overzealous thing i don't want overzealous anything i just want men maybe some women to buy my food and buy my alcohol and then

like good conversation zero sexual expectations you know unless they're sexy and then 2018 boo in 2018 i don't see that happening you really yeah you know what i need i need like a like a like a finance a financier or a real estate muggle who who's on the dl and just needs like a cool black beard so you want to be somebody's purse i want to be somebody's purse first purse first first you want to meet somebody first exactly i'll walk in before them and then you know like that if it's a gay person it don't even matter what they look like dude just like a beautiful gay man he's beautiful to somebody if he first of all if you're with a beautiful man i'm gonna assume that he don't really want you wait why

you gotta okay well we need to break this down if i'm with a beautiful man you assume he don't want me because why why come i'm just gonna assume that he wants you plus plus three okay well you plus three sis oh i didn't even wait what why would you say that to me oh look at that look at that listen it's the year of the yes i might could do it i think you could do it me plus one you be long as i'm first long as you said me plus you better put your woman first yeah i mean i don't trust none of these dudes this is a i feel like this is the year that guys are finally recognizing that they ain't shit and they're leaning into the shit they're like i'm gonna lean into it niggas pulling their dicks out uh lucy k touching jerking trees and plants and

whatnot dudes are gonna lean into that they're like let's do it i feel like dudes are leaning out of that you think they're leaning no no no no i think that right now it's hot so they're like okay we're gonna keep our attendance out we're not gonna do no crazy shit right now but soon as the dust settles they're gonna be right back on their bullshit men have been sexually harassing women for centuries you think they're gonna stop now because there's some blogs out here get the fuck out of here that i come on now come on now men have been raping cheating stabbing killing doing all this so you think they're gonna stop they can't stop won't stop i mean listen they're just gonna be a little bit smarter about pulling their dicks out exactly and inviting

people to up to their hotel rooms for 3 a.m meeting it's true but ladies we also have to be smart right like whatever that whatever smart means how badly do you want to go up to that hotel room and maybe get a dick on your forehead no this is what i'm saying women need to work in pairs for i'm not that i'm like codependent but i always hit you up like hey you want to come here you want to come i i know how crazy it is to go out in these streets by yourself late at late at night with these creeper jeepers streepers no way jeepers you gotta have a friend and you gotta be knowing to be like yo that person got a best friend that's always around she's probably coming so i better have enough dick for both of them i better have a long enough dick to hit on her

forehead and then her forehead no but that person oh she always had a friend with her i'm gonna just bring my dusty greasy friend no no no no let me tell you about rich dudes oh tell me about rich dudes let me get my notebook rich dudes with power they don't want to share they want to look like they got mad women around they want to look like a boss a dude that's like let me bring my other dusty friend he don't want nothing he don't want it it's the one no he does want something he's trying to bring a dusty friend to distract your friend no no no no he got somebody for your girl so like y'all will go on your way and he's like all right well i got let me tell myself you sis i was the friend that always went on these vacations with people and it would be one dude

one dude seven girls he not fucking seven girls it's just one girl he just want to have but that's a different okay so that's a different level of man then when i'm the dudes that i'm talking about is like hood dudes that be like we going to the telly oh no we well we're not thinking about those guys in 2018 you're right we're not thinking about those i'm talking about dudes that like they'd be like all right well if you bring your friend i'm gonna bring my man with me no no i'm talking about men in power okay if a man is like i'm bringing somebody else he's like i'm bringing my lawyer um my representative yeah my rep is here uh the person who types shit out for people what is it what do you call them a stenographer my stenographer is coming uh they're not bringing

their fucking friends they fucking friends are busy listen speaking of dudes that are doing too much i joined bumble yesterday okay let's let's open it real quick first of all there are no sexy black men that are straight on bumble secondly all of the men that keep coming across my timeline look gay like real pretty eyebrows be done marie you're gonna stick to this you're gonna stick to this shit look i'm gonna comment look i'm gonna look what does look gay what does look gay mean like lips are like a little bit pursed they're like really well manicured in the face like very well groomed so you say and like the shirts the pictures be like shirtless the butt be poked out like i'm like is this grinder am i on grinder right now marie you're labeling men you're putting

them in a box why can't first we get mad that they look dusty and they got terrible sneakers then we upset that they got pierced like they lips is all pushed up in a fucking listen what do you want woman there was a there's too many dudes with like glossy moist lips when popping up on my first you were like all these dudes are ashy they dry their whole life is parched i've never said their whole life that sounds like a you comment that's not a me comment okay so it'd be so let me show you something okay so this is james flashpoint lead lead lead engineer okay so this is this this the photo quality be terrible that's a decent uh quality photo but he ain't put no filter on or nothing he just as is engineer in midtown probably watch

more bravo than you what does that mean you watch more bravo than me is that not something like a gay man does no you know what happened his little sister is doing his bumble for him he she was like oh let me write something funny and quirky look that's a swipe and i didn't know which way to swipe for no so i was swiping the wrong way for a long time okay we're just gonna swipe no he didn't write that he's somebody else wrote that for him here i watch more bravo than you matthew 39 he works at merrill lynch he's the vice president he went to cornell university okay in 2000 all right okay look at him all right look at this glasses on outside okay yeah yeah his angles are terrible all recent photos six foot one but that's the thing that i appreciate about this app is people

tell you how tall they are because they already know you won't ask them but they can also what l-i-e okay but look but look at this does he look like he's six foot one what does that look like to you these look like five eight these look like lies it's a cool five he works and he looks like he shops at a marnie exchange though okay sis uh it says merrill lynch i'm just gonna hit like okay cool cool cool uh but it's just i'm i'm looking and it's a lot of people kissing dogs on the mouth it's a lot of uh like it's just it's interesting it's wasting my battery uh i'm gonna go on 10 dates and then i'm gonna delete the app 10 dates i just want to tell you from waitressing for a long time with these apps these dudes people think oh i'm gonna go out i'm gonna get

dinner i'm gonna get drinks they be lining they shit up they're like i'm gonna be 30 minutes here then i'm gonna do 45 that's what i'm trying to do dude yeah but i'm like that's not a fucking date that's speed dating on your own terms and it's just like but am i paying real question okay 30 minutes with you and then 30 minutes with him i'm i'm double stacking my dates too i had this dude okay he would come in to the bar all the time um i mean he looked like he was in accounting he didn't even look like he he worked for hbo or something like that and give me the the physical description though what did he look like uh steve buscemi in the face no steve buscemi a younger steve buscemi a young steve buscemi is just an old less wrinkled ugly steve buscemi he always

looked like okay so you come in he would have like you know one of them camper vests jump off was he tall was he skinny what would steve i'm looking up steve buscemi baby he five nine five 10 okay but you know when you're older your back kind of you kind of hunched over you start your like quasimodo yeah not hunchback of notre dame type but anyway he would come in he would always have fucking dates he'd kill he has so many dates lined up it's ridiculous so he would come in oh steve buscemi wasn't ugly when he was young no no i'm not saying he's ugly he just always look at steve buscemi pause the podcast right now look up steve buscemi i mean it's not cute but you said i'm no but he's giving you artsy indie vibes giving you big-eyed we live in

williamsburg like currently vibes yeah leave you leave you for your mom type vibes okay so uh so he would come in and he would give me the rundown he's like i got this he looks terrible with hair um he would be like so i got this what he would give me the rundown he's like i got this woman you know she's not that friendly but you know i want to see how this goes i'm getting her one drink after one drink close me out he said close me out he's like bring the check so she knows the deal oh so he was already like telling you to bring the check after the one drink he's like i'm only getting her one drink because i'ma leave and then i'ma come back but i'ma act like i'm leaving because i got another date so he would stay in the same spot bitch he's like i'm not

leaving this is my good chair he would be like this is the seat that i want he's like the light is hitting me perfectly right oh and he but no no he would come at weird hours at like 5 36 so it's like hmm did you rush out of work to to meet up here because work ends at six no some people work till five do you even know how work works but i but i know that nobody else would be in the bar at that time it is so early the only people who are at that time are people who have in business meetings okay so he and catch this he would use his corporate card so you know he writing these dates off well and he would stop he would stop at eight because i'd be like i guess that's when the corporate card ends he's like oh

well i can't be having a real meeting swipe i had 802 because that's when the car gets decluttered yeah or no you just like he's set it up to make it look like he's having business meetings when it's really dates so how many people would he have come in at a time like on a day uh one time the the kicker was four he stayed from five but he kept getting up to act like he was leaving he did that four times yes he did it four times and the every time i had to act like i didn't know him and i said look at me get my little acting on i mean i mean i was treating him like i don't know who the fuck he was i was like yeah what would you like that's just you at work that's not you acting that's just yes but i would put it on a little extra like yeah would you like that

doesn't sound like you don't know him that sounds like you're annoyed because you've seen him all dead that's what that's because you know me again what do you want no no no hey steve i don't know who you are but i never said are we using the mx again no one time one time he blew his own spot he's like oh you're gonna act like you don't know me i was like okay chris i'm trying to help you here bro but what would the tip look like what was the tip situation he would get he'd pay cash and sometimes and then yes but if i'm seeing you four times in one night how much am i tipping you he gave me 20 on everything but he's only getting he's only getting two drinks you see what i'm saying two drinks that's like 30 something dollars and 20 to 30 is what six dollars

so six times four is 24 yeah so you're getting 24 for your time it's not enough for four hours of being there but he but listen when he would give me the cat he would give me the cash as a tip so everything's cash so what that mean you wasn't sharing it with the bussers oh fuck you no but i'm just saying i appreciate the cash that means he was thinking about it and then this one dude um he came in he had two dates one date it was an older woman and you know she was i thought she was beautiful she walks to the bathroom he's like oh look can you believe he's like her pictures are so wrong that she looks nothing like that and then he shows me he's looking around and he shows me a picture of her and i was like

yes this was lying she put on she put on that uh that pretty filter on instagram well what you said you thought she was pretty what did she look pretty but she describe her face to the listeners she looked a lot younger in the photos that's on well the old photos that she threw a filter on yes it was like she no these were filter on filters like she was pretty but she looked way better in these she looked like an instagram model on these these profile yes but the people listening need the visual dude what does she look like she was giving me susan sarandon vibes at like in person no susan sarandon at her best but with a filter on okay but in real life she look like what ashley judd now jamie lee curtis who does she what does she look like

susan sarandon you keep saying that name with no makeup on because susan sarandon is pretty she's pretty like for an like for an older woman i i like should be having her boobs out yes she had her boobs out susan abigail sarandon abigail is really like the whitest woman name in the world yes but look at her look at her look at the younger pictures of her susan sarandon young okay but like no makeup in the photos that she had she was real done like she had like eyelash extensions she had her hair all curled fluffy and shit damn how old is this it's surrounding that her baby pictures are all black and white oh my god she's old how old is she i don't know but look at these photos dude like throwback her headshots her original headshots are black and white that's

she was giving it though yes she looks like misha barton oh no she definitely wish she looked like her um susan those big ass susan is a classic okay whatever she's oh and she stay with her titties out she don't play like look at this she's giving you full cleavage okay anyway this woman whatever he was he was very rude he's showing me the pictures and then she comes back and he's like he's looking at me like i think i'm gonna close out now so he closes out she went to the bathroom and then he closed out and left before she came back outside no no no close out because i was gonna say he closed out and then he made her fucking pay for her drink what yes no dirt bag so i was like oh dude i'm giving you you're gonna or you're gonna order like top shelf i'm giving

you well like that and i'm gonna charge you for the top shelf oh absolutely because you're terrible you're a terrible person so then the next girl made her pay made her pay that's horrible and it was so embarrassing because the woman was kind of like like nice about it like oh okay no but then she's look you could tell in her face that she was doubting herself like well something wrong with me yeah since your photos don't match the real product but still fuck you dude like you didn't look that great it's like fashion over verse like top shop but it doesn't matter this dude he he's no he knows the game well what did he look like um who would play him in a movie he looked like jeremy piven well of course he acted like that then jeremy piven is a dick and if

anybody with his face is also a dick yeah but he didn't look like he was jeremy piven with money he looked like a regular jeremy piven if jeremy piven wasn't in entourage say jeremy piven one more time jeremy but and then so she looked so sad and i felt bad i was like damn so i ended so you know what i did that's why they did i took her drink off and i charged her for one dollar i took her drink off and charge her for one you're trying to bang susan sarandon no but i just was like fuck this dude that was so mean that's like not cool that's gonna be me on dates dude is gonna get up i'm gonna be like you know what i gotta go he said he was six three he's giving me six one vibes so um go ahead and tell him i died and ditch that shit i'll start everybody around i'll be like

he don't even look like his pictures you should do that pull the app up he don't even he don't even know how to spell there there and there so i should probably just leave you watch more bravo than me like you know like i feel like you doing it is funny but a man doing it that shit is rude and mean and it really fucks with people it fucks with women like it's already bad enough i mean it messes with men also when women play them that's something that played on a regular yes yes yes but that's something because somebody said this to me once he was like he was like it's really scary approaching a woman because women usually say no and i was like i guess i guess i should give you a tiny bit of credit when you come approach me but like no you gotta come correct no

when you step to me but don't be messaging me i hope you're writing me an essay you have until five or you know i'm gonna kill your dog guys for them this is training this is training day they out here get no no no no no no no no this is practice for them so when they get the yes they like ah there's another yes coming i see the yet they this is this isn't practicing so no is nothing for them they know what no is coming i know i can't they know what no is coming but you know what we have gay guys listening to this hey all of our booze what's the process for them what's the process with when you're a lesbian like who approaches who okay how often do you get a no from a man when you're a man okay oh you're a female i'm gonna tell you this gay men look

better they take care of themselves they do look better they're not gonna come up to you incorrect you know what i mean their hairline isn't gonna be missing they're gonna get a shape up they're gonna look clean turtle neck is gonna be starched and uh pressed they're gonna have a nice outfit on they're gonna approach you properly unless they in a messy ass lower east side bar but other than that like they they work out they take care of themselves that's true i mean most of them so i feel like it's all game for them they all know like who gonna say no to this like that's their confidence but they're also like putting in time to feel that confidence i don't know i'm friends with many many a gay and and right now where a lot of them are at they're

looking for relationships they want to date uh like they want stuff that's serious and a lot of the game hey booze it's not gonna be on grinder you're not gonna find love in grinder i mean also if you're dating somebody who's married it's probably not gonna end up well for you you shade you're rude but how many people do you know who date and marry people right now i've been hearing a lot of fucking stories a lot of people a lot and it's like you're telling me you want to be in a relationship but you date in somebody who's already in a relationship i think it's a tough it's not even it's a tough one first of all it's wrong why would you want somebody else's property like get there's eight million people in new york city get somebody else

but if you want a situation like that i've been there you dated a married dude oh let's get into it wow okay we got some time let me see how much time we have left to discuss your uh you and some men's infidelities dude you are a lifetime movie waiting to happen talk about you want us an overzealous fan you were an overzealous fan you took somebody's man that sis i was not a fan though you were a fan of that duke anyway i'm not gonna put out any of the don't say none of the names or anything i'm not gonna say the specifics at all well give us the give us the particulars met them working okay at the job at at the bar did you know that they were they were married yes because you know i'm at the point in my life when i'm like legit looking at people ring fingers now

and i'm like you in my face but you got a ring on it i didn't i didn't know you looked you saw the ring no no no i just i got history so i already knew you got history so so what you you were able to like forensically see the tan line on the ring finger i can't give too much away but just know that i mean it sounds like you gave it all the way to him oh wow you prepared you prepared for that huh yeah i did and uh you know it was a it was a so did who initiated you or him you sir wow for some reason i had that feeling i was like he steps out but why where sis were you what how dark was the period in your life where this was going down that you were like he steps out that's cool i actually it was a actually it was a quite grand life that i was having a great

time at that time but was the wife having a good time probably not unless it was open was it open i'm like there's no way that she doesn't know because that's how messy he was being dude i was like you don't have no respect you are carrie he's big the wife is natasha sex in the city season honestly all of that but black people so y'all were a mori episode because no no no these are they were upscale blacks darling so this is a judge joe brown black judge mathis it was there was a situation where i was like dude this is not gonna work this is bad well i'll tell you what's not gonna work is how vague you being we want the tea okay i ended up going to the house where was the house can you describe it was that a classic it

was nice it was a brownstone it was a beautiful house just know there was a beautiful house the brown upstairs downstairs duplex numerous bathrooms walk-in closet foyer it was cute yeah no foyer no foyer he had a pantry though dude so you go to the house are you afraid the wife might come home allegedly she was away for the weekend but i was at that door i had everything packed just in case to hide under these couches you had your you took your panties off folded them through my god i was ready to hop out went in the windows i was like where are all the exits was the sex good yeah it was but it was wrong that's made it better that's a little that's a little spice on top a little cherry on top that's the himalayan pig

sea salt yeah a little salt a little salt bay right there sprinkle me man it was bad i i always that's another thing that i regret i regret it it was wrong how many times did y'all have sex numerous how many times did you go to the house one time i was like i'm never doing this again this is stupid that's ballsy dude yeah it's dumb i also was very drunk and high and you were drunk and high every time you saw him you were never sober when y'all linked up no not really i don't believe no i wasn't even if you're drinking high every time you see them yeah then when you go home you after after a while you come down and you know what you did sis i was at a point in my life that it was not dark but it was lit so every day it was lit every day we lit no every day we lit

no that's wrong it was wrong i'm i listen what would you do what would you do if your son was at home crying all alone in a bedroom because he's hungry what would you do if you um you came home and adrian has some other chick in the house butt ass naked feeding your cats while she was butt naked i'm like you're gonna feed the cats butt naked well because she like she likes cats more than you like cats or whatever jelly and jam um i i can't even picture it sis but you know what i'm dead inside so honestly i'll take a moment and i'll be like are you dead sorry i am dead inside i feel like my emotions i'll either they're really high or they're really low that sounds like bipolar dude that don't sound like you're dead it sounds like you crazy

my emotions it's just emotions taking me higher that was a good song um no but i feel like i'll be like give me a moment i'll step outside i'll call you step outside dude you gonna come here no i'll step outside to call you and be like marie what should i do i'd be like i'm pulling up you would pull up for me what you need me to bring you would pull up i bring uh this podcast equipment and hit her over the head with it i'll go over there and kick a cat i'll kick a cat and then i'll kick the girl in the pussy oh no look at you dave chapelle yeah i'd kick her in the cat oh my god i can't can you hear me i'm kicking four cats the two that you have both vaginas you would pull up for me but you're like well i'm gonna get on

the train so it's gonna take me like i'd be like i'd be like send me an uber if you really want me to help you in this time of need send me an uber i take six uber pools it cost me 32 dollars i'm so through with you i don't know what i would do but i feel like would you go after adrian or would you go after the chick i'll go after adrian but also no shade i'd be like do you boo boo i see it i'm like i see it and if she fly i'm like i see it you'd be like well i'll be back in 30 minutes uh y'all want anything from the store y'all want y'all anything from the bodega i'm gonna run out to the store real quick do y'all need anything while i'm out anybody want a cold pop i don't know y'all doing all

popping in here nah i don't know i don't know marie i really would be like our current situation i'll be like all right all right okay okay you would be clear-headed about it i would be sad i'm like oh man i didn't really think she was gonna take me up on my offer but the offer for her to bang somebody else yeah i told her i was like you you get a one get out of jail free card damn really i told her that she hasn't used the card yet to your knowledge nah adrian is a good woman she's so loyal and faithful you make it sound like a golden retriever dude oh well she's loyal and faithful she's a good she's a good girl she's a good girl no she just she loves me and i love her and i know that i could trust her but if i came in

i'm like it's not even my house so i can't even kick him out dude name that on the lease don't pay no utility bills i'll be like wire hangers i don't know what that means oh from uh dariva mad black woman yeah we don't we don't do this not this is a smart podcast and people listen don't don't watch that i don't know what i would do but i feel like i would want to break something i would throw something at somebody i i haven't seen you really angry so i don't even i can't even picture this i feel like i'm always a little bit mad though really no i'm for the most part i'm like i'm always a little bit like not here for it like right below this what lies beneath this well at comedy shows i just want to like videotape your face because the shit that

you be looking like is so disrespectful and rude i was like is she a comic because the way she look and she looked like an audience member that's not having it i'm a critic like a strong critic i mean but if i'm in a relationship with somebody i mean there's not pictures of you and adrian all over the house no so there's that but like she know adrian don't wear wigs you got there's a lot of ways to the house no it's a lot of pictures of fucking you and i have to change that it's so your house is a lot of pictures of me yes there's pictures of us like because you know we in photo booths we and all we do is photo booth it out and so there's mad photo booth pictures and she puts them up for us she'll like put them on the wall she put them on the side she like made them look

all nice you know what sydney this i actually did not know how to tell you this and this is probably the best place to do it um i'm sleeping with adrian oh my god oh my god the podcast is over yeah we're done we're so done she's actually she's really faithful she's super loyal yo if that if if that fucking happened oh i'm lisa left diving everybody this house her house oh man that i would be so upset i would be like why but you said you gave her a get out of jail no but not for you bitch why it's the year of the yes she asked me i said yes i'm trying to be more open you know it's my post-centennial year oh my god i can't my legs we're tired you told me i can sit on her face i'm so done and i'm overwhelmed that you did that

twist right there that was a really good twist the gag is we're actually sleeping together yo now every time i see you with her i'm like yo i'm punching you in the face if you even look at my girl i'm punching you in the face but if your girl looks at me after the podcast immediately calling her like so how do you feel about marie she's like i love her you see we have this our hair is the same color right now because we go to the same person to do it but you did your own hair yeah i'll be doing adrian's hair i grease that scalp regularly it's just like the things you won't do let me cater to you maybe this is your day that's the

song that we um oh my god we love to read the quiet store i'm so done that like i'm overwhelmed well who are you gonna leave you gonna leave agent you gonna leave me what you gonna do that's a really good question i think that's where we need to leave it this who you gonna leave me or her i mean she puts a roof over your head and bed under your ass but we're making money together potentially who would i leave listeners who would you run to that's the question if that situation happened who should i leave should i leave adrian yeah or should i end the podcast with marie and And never fucking talk to her again. And delete, delete, delete all the photos and then just post the pictures.

Listen, if that happens, listeners, the podcast will go on. It'll be just mine. What? I will take this equipment. I got the equipment here. You got to come to my house and get the equipment. I'm here now. I'll take it right now.

I'm taking it back to fucking. No, you're not. 1019 Putnam. And Adrienne will send it back to me because that's my girl. She'd be like, babe, I got your stuff. And you'd be like, mine? And she'd be like, not you. Not you, nigga.

and she'll be on the phone with me i'm so fucking done tweet us and let us know who sydney should leave and why yeah give me reasons and then give me reasons why i should stay if i should stay with both of them there's some people would be like you should just you know charge it to the game charge it to the game sis charge it to the game or you or you know what you three it three it just like we're all together no that's not i'm not gonna do that i'm gonna make adrian choose she gonna pick me i'm like hey uh barry i fucking this is too much you would make her choose yep

i'd be like well me and cindy can still be colleagues or whatever but like You got to pick one. It's not going to be a polyamorous situation. Listeners, do you think Adrienne should stay with Marie? Do you think she should stay? We're asking real questions. This is honestly the best. This has been the best episode of the year.

This is the great way to start the year out. Yeah. You're wondering if I'm banging your girlfriend. We're going to leave it right there, folks. make sure you come back. That's it. That's all I want you to do is come back. Do you want me to come back? No, you can leave. Oh, fuck.

You can leave the things. Leave your HBO Go password and go. Like, comment, subscribe. Tell your friends. Then tell friends. Then tell other friends and like do that. Also, if you're a gay man on Bumble that I've swiped no to,

just let me know what the algorithm is. Did I put the information in the wrong way? You're so stupid. dude my pictures look too much i just want to know what pictures you got on there i mean it's like my facebook profile photo so i saw the the the color purple one you got going on there you gotta hit scarf on it's just your profile what no which one do you have oh that wait what dude we gotta we gotta go this is why adrian is leaving you uh guys happy new year uh thank you for supporting us all

last year. Thank you so much. It's going to be even bigger. It's going to be a big year. Bigger, blacker, gayer, louder, ashier this year. Yes. Anyway, thanks guys.

Bye. Thank you. Bye.