MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Be Best 2018

Episode Date: December 21, 2018

It's the end of 2018. Have you been Best?Sydnee and Marie reflect on an insane year and share some resolutions for 2019. Raise a glass to another amazing 365 days of Unofficial Expert and to being best in the new year!NYC! Don't forget to get your tickets to UNOFFICIAL EXPERT LIVE @Union Hall on Friday, January 11.----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys! Hello! Let's talk about what's happening on January 11th. Oh my god we're giving you more gifts. Oh my gifts on gifts on gifts. Merry Christmas, happy holidays, Kwanzaa, all the holidays. So we have another live show for you at Union Hall here in Brooklyn and it's some of your favorite comics, some of our favorite guests, and you guys are gonna really enjoy the show. Sydney where can they get tickets? You can get tickets right in the description, we got that, And then if you go to the Instagram page, we got that in the link as well. And who are the guests, Marie? Oh, my God.

Molly Austin. Sex date expert. Yes. Who else? Matt Rogers, our Hollywood expert. Yes. He's going to be our musical guest. Oh, yeah.

He's going to do a couple ballads. He's going to do a couple. He's going to sing for y'all. So you're going to get comedy. You're going to get interview. You're going to get cabaret. Also, you're going to get looks. Fabulous.

This is going to be the last episode of the year, guys. Oh, my God. See you in 2019. Closing it out with a bang. Your resolution should be what? to come see us live forever

dog um hey Sydney I'm Elizabeth Washington hola hola hola uh this is it sis it's the end of the year

end of an era womp womp womp womp I'm saying era because 2018 feels like so much time has passed

yeah this was the longest was also shortest year it was the longest fastest year of my life yeah it was a lot but like also you know we did it we got through it you know thank goodness i wasn't it was so long yeah it was so long but also i feel like the year just started and i think back like i was in la for

a month this year you sure were that was this year absolutely we tested for like a bunch of tv shows this year like flew back and forth a lot i ain't got no miles on my shit i should have i should have like a card or something oh yeah yeah you should the way i was flying it's like i should you should enroll this you should enroll now yeah i'm gonna work on that i got like jet blue and i and something else but i think oh and virgin but i feel like maybe i'll get like in america american airlines okay maybe i'll join them i feel like it's gonna work who else got cute planes uh i don't know but when somebody else is paying i'm like put me on whatever yeah but But the miles are for you.

Oh, yeah. I definitely need those freaking miles. Yeah, because flying back, LA is 3,000 miles away. So that's 6,000 miles round trips. Yikes. Come on, man. Get them points. Yeah.

I need to think about that. That's where I'm at. It's like I got to think ahead. Think about the. Well, I feel like you got some travel coming up in the next year. You should definitely enroll. It's free. You got to think about the bigger picture, y'all.

Get them perks, boo, boo, boo. Yeah, just all of a sudden. and I want them to send me a suitcase. That's how much I want to be traveling. Oh, okay. And a little away? Yeah. Shout out to away.

Shout out to away. Far, far away. So far away. Yeah, I'm so happy that, you know, things have come and go, and comedy, this was like the craziest comedy year ever. You know? Why?

Just more opportunities. Yep. I can't even count how many stages I've been on this year. I've definitely done a lot of standup and still don't know what my fucking five minutes are, but you know what? We doing it. We getting through it.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like I caught you towards the beginning of your standup career. And I always feel like whenever I watch you perform, like you're one of my favorite people to watch perform, especially when you be messing with the audience. I'm like, look at my mean ass friend.

Yeah, Riff City is wonderful, you know? It's fantastic. Crowdwork is beautiful. It's a skill, guys. For us to be up there and make it look so effortless, it's a skill because people will then try to talk to us and it's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm a professional comedian and you're just a fan.

Yeah. Like, this is my job. I'm going to make this funny. You're going to try to figure out the funny and I already got it. I already know what it is. Yeah, and then sometimes I'm like, ugh, you know what?

That didn't go the way it was supposed to. But you know what? I still got that money and I'm going to leave with my head high looking for my Uber pool. Is that it? No, that's not it. Oh, no. It's two blocks down. OK, got to go.

Bye. Let's talk about it. I ordered an Uber Express. So Uber Express is just like they pick you up close to where you are and they drop you off close to where you go. It's a shuttle. It's a bus. Right. But it's cold.

We're out late. And the other day I ordered an Uber pool at eleven forty five p.m. right they were like walk three minutes to go get this car i i'm walking across all these busy intersections and i could see the car but on the app it'll still say a minute away and then it was like leaving soon and i was like okay well i'm not i'm not about to get hit by all these cars for this uber pool and the car left and then every car after it was like then that you order another uber express and it's telling you to go back to where you it's like i'm not i'm not doing this i then i a car came and

the driver said he was there and I was like I'm here and he was like maybe 30 feet down and I'm facing me and I'm like waving my arms he popped a Yui and cancelled the trip I'm in his headlights waving at him to come forward and

instead of coming to meet me he just cancelled the trip and made like three point turn went the other way petty so I so I'm petty too sis what's your rating 4.78 Okay. So I tweeted Uber, and I was like, this is problematic. And they were like, send us the receipts.

And I was like, this person refused to pick me up. Y'all should fire him. They be lazy. Sometimes they start conversations with me, trying to tell me about their day. And I'm like, sir, I am a customer, and I'm trying to live my life. I have my own issues. I'm not really trying to hear about your day. I mean, no offense, but all of the offense.

like this is new york city i know you want to vent but this is also a moving car so like i'm stuck you'd be in the car like read the room yeah i had this real christian dude that was my driver the other day and he was telling me that he lived in westchester he was telling me he his wife and the kids had gone to this church christmas party i was like bruh i don't mean i care i don't care and he wouldn't stop talking to me but he was nice and it's like well i'm not about to be a Yeah, keep talking about Jesus or whatever. How do you feel about drivers and their music? I'm just like, turn it off.

We don't even have to listen to music. I feel like most times, most cars that I'm in, the drivers aren't really listening to music. Uh-uh. They are. Every car I've been getting into, it's like, it's not the radio. It's like their own mixtape or like a song of a friend or like a cultural song, a religious song.

A cultural song. So they be playing like bachata music. I don't know. And I just don't want to be rude. But it's sometimes you're just like, I can't listen to any of that. And it's like, oh, you should have your own headphones on. It's like, should I? Yeah.

Anytime I'm in a car, I feel like everyone with me has headphones in. Let me tell you, if I'm paying over $10, you gonna do what I say. I'm sorry. If I'm paying $18 to go anywhere and I'm like, I don't want the windows down. I don't want the music on. i feel like you should you know abide by that okay so speak on it this is still happening to you they still not rolling the windows up every car i get into the driver is hot and i get it you're you're driving all night and i'm not but i'm frigid why is driving making you hot dude

like put a t-shirt on and call it a layer or no or just have a t-shirt on don't maybe don't have like 12 coats on i don't know but like it's frustrating for me to be like oh i don't i don't want to say oh i feel weird like i'm a customer i should be able to no be vocal about how i'm feeling in this weird toyota camry this is the energy that you should have moving in 2019 what would a straight white man do in the situation because they're unapologetically just gonna be them and this they're not considered aggressive or like that's how i answer my emails in 29th like everything that the energy that i have in 2019 is what would a straight white man do in situation he would say something and he would say it exactly how he means it um excuse me can you

cut this music down uh sir uh windows down hey buddy hey buddy this we're not gonna do this hey buddy we're not gonna do this hey pal can you turn your music down this i'm not here for your ethnic tunes uh cut it off hey uh driver when he can literally just look down what the name is hey driver uh yeah i've had one of those days and this is not the time so sorry actually i'm not in the mood to talk tonight so could you just drive yeah it's i think it's one of those things where i talk to women all the time and they just let shit go down because they feel weird saying something about it and it's just like no just we all grown speak up we're adults speak up what can we just have adult white dude energy in 2019 i just i'm about to have some trump energy

okay just grabbing shit grabbing shit building walls what would trump do in the senate he would be like hey habib cut the music off yeah well my name is actually mark you look like a hobby cut it off yeah yeah yeah turn this all the way off i'm just gonna be real the the bigotry is gonna be thriving the bigotry is gonna be so real in 2019 well it has to be like because we're the only people who will ever truly advocate for ourselves right like no one if you're acting like you don't have a problem people not gonna

unless they like really look at your face and see your eye twitching they're not gonna be like oh this is making them uncomfortable or oh they don't like this no have Louis CK energy like have Harvey Weinstein in that like he did all this crap and then was emailing everybody in Hollywood like hey if you guys could

just you know not watch the news to see how terrible I am that'd be great it's like dude you was pulling your nasty ass dick out like you should not be emailing anybody that's the energy i'm having to the pulling my imaginary dick out throwing it on foreheads and cheeks and shoulder bones putting it on the table put your dick on the table sis that's the type of energy i'm gonna have in 2019 just like what like who are you talking to what are you not talking to me what what do you mean uh no absolutely not i'm gonna be oblivious to things that are quite obvious and then I'm going to speak

on things even when people didn't ask me to speak on it. That's how I'm going to be in 2019. No, it's going to be like blunt force trauma for me next year. I'm going to hit you. I'm going to tell you why or I'm not going to explain myself. I'm just going to say no or yes. You know what I'm going to have? Yelp energy. That's what

I'm going to have. Yelp. Okay. So we've changed it. Now we're going to have the energy of a white woman. White woman at a restaurant. Yes. That's the energy you should have. White woman that lives in Long Island. I'm sorry. I asked for the peanuts

on the side. Yeah. Okay. Take this back. I'm going to have a West Nyack energy. Hamptons. Real housewives

of New York energy. Yeah. Like I have a Pinot Grigio IV like through me. Just real energy. Like what? Daytime white wine.

Yeah. I'm going to take that hat off your head energy. That's what we're going to do. Exactly. Speak to a manager right now. Yes.

This is unex... Did you say white now? I'm going to speak to a manager. White now. What are you looking forward to for the next year? Lord, a job. Just like for real. Just like a legit job that makes sense.

What's a dream job? I don't even know. I'm just like, I just need to make sure a check is coming in. You know, just there. I don't know. I feel like I I love comedy but then I don't so it's just like same I'm working on uh what is my plan b you know what else can I do other than this because I've dedicated so much time and I don't have like a real life anymore it's just like shows auditions all my friends are comedians

and, like, you know, I want to just be talking to people who are doing other stuff as well. I feel like I'm very closed off and I don't know what the regular folks are doing, you know? Mm-hmm. I know. They living in a bubble, but, like, okay, I guess I'll hang and just have, like, this meat and cheese plate and talk about the tapestry, you know?

People are doing that. I mean, I'm always here for a meat and cheese plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do a lot of things. I will push a small child in traffic for a meat and cheese plate. Yeah, I want to I want to venture out, figure, you know, figure out some things, travel just. Yes. Yes. Your birthday's coming up. Yeah. Just not be in New York City as well.

Like it's just like I'm in. So be in New York less or not be in New York for your birthday specifically. Not be in New York City for my birthday, but also not be in New York City. It's just like it's just so jaded. People are so me, me, me, me, me, me, me. i want to go to a town and they just saying hey hey how you doing you know and really you don't even want to talk to the uber driver when he asks you how you doing you want to go to a town with strangers also ask you how you do because i know the uber driver i know uber driver energy he gonna

ask me about myself so he could talk about himself i want to go to a town where they asking me because they're genuinely what do you do you know and and want to know about my life and then i asked about theirs and it's like oh you got a farm oh yeah i'm not interested in that like i want that i want to go somewhere and they just be enthralled in my my being that's such a good word enthralled enthralled is like obsessed with yeah like interested like too much that's what i want i want somebody to just like they want to pick up my book and then like read the book from front to back and then tell me about the book and then like review the book that's what kind of energy i want i don't get that in new york city people just be like so into themselves when people ask you what

you do here do you lie because i've been lying but i've i feel like i should have like a lie ready to go but i'm always they know that i'm lying when i answer because i take way too long to answer the question they're like what do you do i'd be like i what sorry and they're like what do you do and i'm like i work in television and i'm like why would i say that i should have said i teach yoga or you know i'm in child care but i'm always like i am a stand up committee i'm like i'm saying the truth yeah i'm trying to lie and i can't lie well i was in a pool and i knew it was like packed it was like four of us and i know one guy had said what he did and i was like he sound like he lying so i think we all just gonna go around and lie and i said that i worked

in a funeral home and they were like wow i said i'm interning i want to be a funeral director did they have follow-up questions because i would yes they did i feel like that's more interesting and saying i do comedy i know well i actually have a friend that's in uh like what is it morgue school like um mortician mortician school and so she was telling me about putting makeup on the dead people that talking to the families like the whole process i mean she's been in school for i feel like like two years now okay i should get her associates in morgue yes i don't know mortician mortician morticianry and so um she's like really in to the dead and your friend is weird sis that's you got a stranger danger friend no no no but she's the type that you

look at her and you're like you are into dead people like she's one of those makeup tutorial bitches that's just like like a lot of like dead like she's a little ditzy though i'm like i don't think i want you around my dead people no no no i don't know i feel like she's the type to talk to them while she's like oh she she is she's listening to music she's listening to like lovely day and she's singing to them or she's doing their makeup and she's like thank you next like full-on conversation like so girl what's what's happening oh my god he hit you yeah we gonna cover that on right we're gonna go that bruise right on up yeah sally yeah and she's the she's the type that like if some like the family brought in an outfit like she would

like try to change the styling like she's gonna tie the shirt under the boobs yeah yeah or she's gonna try to like tell them like oh well I really feel like this person would be better in this and she would have like her own fashion line she got a clothing rack yeah like she'll try to bring in her own shit like

well I just so happen to have this catsuit I really feel like Diana would thrive in this catsuit would thrive in this I mean you gotta be a lot of it weird to want to work with dead bodies it's crazy because she's like a nightclub person like she was like a go-go dancer and just she has she's pregnant now she got i feel like corpses are not good for the baby in my mind you know

dead bodies can't be good for the fetus what do you think i is that true in my mind i feel like it's you know it's gonna get i don't know maggots or something no it's just like it's just dead person energy i don't want my baby around dead bodies because you and this is the thing while she's doing the makeup the belly is touching that that arm that dead arm so the baby is the you know it's weird yeah it is strange it is also interesting it's just like you meet somebody and you think you know them and then all of a sudden they're like i want to be a mortician it's like what what are we learning in mortician school for two years like what does that like i feel like that should be like a an online course um well i she was telling me half of it is have

to do with like talking to the family just you have to understand like grief and understand like people are gonna ask for things that's like that's not that's not happening we can't do that see i would be like i work in the back of house so i don't want to actually talk to the families at all yeah like i'm not the face of this morgue let me just be in the back like doing this brow oh that's what you want to do i'm just saying like i wouldn't want to have to like my i'm not of people person obviously I work with dead bodies I don't want to talk to you while you crying about your uncle let me just you know adjust his mustache and like you know don't I don't want I shouldn't have to talk to you I'm putting makeup on a dead body I don't have people

skills yeah there she was telling me that there was one family that was like oh they wanted their daughter to have like natural makeup and she was just like she couldn't say like well the way her face is set up natural ain't the look like oh like she needed a lot yeah like there's there is no such thing as like a natural makeup on a dead person have you ever seen a dead body the person doesn't look like what you knew them as yes because you you're like well what that looks who but who is this you have to be sensitive about it though like because you can get in really a lot of trouble you I feel like you can even get your certificate taken away if you don't know how You taking my corpse certificate?

No. I went to school for three weekends. Oh, my God. Like, and how does the makeup work? Like, you bring their makeup from home or they just got to? No, no, no. It's a different type of makeup. It's almost like tattoo makeup because it has to be, it has to have full coverage because sometimes the skin is just, don't look like skin no more.

Well. Sometimes it's like, it's like almost bluish, grayish. I mean, I guess it depends on how you die, right? Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know. Yeah, she said she had to sew someone's neck back. Like, it was almost like a little bit of decapitation.

She had to fix that. And I was like, well, what do you, do you put a turtleneck on this person? No, no, no. You put like a little choker on. Yeah. Like a little, like a 1990s. Well, they said that they, she, she can also put like a. Like a little kerchief?

No. Like fake skin. Like they have fake skin too. Oh, okay. So it's like a special effects makeup artist. Yes, yes, yes. like she she's so involved in it and it's like crazy because it's almost like damn i'm enthralled like i want to know what the fuck y'all doing over there i think when i die i want uh dia de

les muertos makeup like the the coco the mexican day just make me look more dead i think honestly i think i want to be cremated when i die um well the way she her personal beliefs on it is just like you want somebody to remember you the best way you can but when you see them dead it's like that's what you remember no when somebody does you don't remember them as just that you remember them as the people that they are no i definitely don't like if i see you and you look crazy that's the last vision i have of you like my grandmother did not look i was so furious because i was like that's not grammy first of all who put her in that red blazer how fucking dare you she never looked good in red who was their family member who said who signed off on this somebody somebody

bought that blazer and the wig was awful the wig was it was almost like it was a warning wig i was like so did you gave her her old wig that's rude you couldn't you can get a new wig no like a grammy would have wanted this way because you know she's frugal what shut up get grammy a new wig this was her favorite wig what was the wig was it like a short curly situation was it a straight bang it was a short straight like swoop it was it was like uh if ellen was dead and old type wig oh wow it was really really short and it just her face was very gaunt and then and then the makeup was like 12 shades too dark it's never yeah it's never the right shade it's always too dark like she looked like seal it was crazy i was i was like seal rose from there i was like

she had like a scar on her face that was never i was like your grandma looked like she dates uh heidi klum or she did date heidi klum yeah it was crazy and so I couldn't cry during the funeral because you were like I don't even know who that is that's not the woman

that used to make brownies and fried chicken and then take us to Little Rock, Arkansas on the Greyhound that's not yeah they had my grandma in blackface too

and I have like a little I have a little grandma and she just you know because you like bloat or whatever and we were like what?

I don't know who that is I was like they couldn't put stuff no cotton in her mouth like her face just like real sunken in And I said they did a bad job

And I'm going to yelp this funeral home They did a trash ass job I was giving like white woman yelping energy But maybe they make them look bad on purpose Because they don't want you Because if they make them look too good You're going to be like Oh let me get a picture of this for the gram

I hate you people who take pictures of dead people And then post it on your Facebook Do you not have a soul? What is wrong? I don't want to Sometimes it's about like how the body is propped up because I've seen pictures where it's like

they sit the dead body in a car. Who raised you? In a car. You got your uncle in a Chevy Caprice? I don't want no avant-garde funeral, please. Put me in a motherfucking coffin or burn my body.

I would like it old-fashioned. I don't want me with glasses on and in a sequins jumpsuit and a disco ball on top. I want to be in a low neckline J-Lo Versace gown to the navel sequined catsuit. Bitch, if people are milly rocking at my funeral, I'm haunting everyone. That's a win. If people are dancing at my funeral, we winning.

Did y'all just do the electric slide? I am burning the place down. Also, you know what? I'm going to make a conscious effort that when I die to pose my body in a weird way so that they have to, they just got to let me Marilyn Monroe it. You know what I mean? Just like arm behind my head. I said, cut the arms off, cut them off, chop them off.

Make sure she ain't just like this. Oh my God. Put fake arms if you have to. I don't want to see my friend like that. I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone and she was like, I don't want you to be famous because I feel like you're going to get Selena. And I said, yo, mommy, I say that all the time. Yeah.

And she was like, I don't want you to get, you know, Selena. And I said, that's so funny that you said that. Because I literally, I feel like that's what's going to happen to me. That's how I'm going to die. No, because Selena, that was somebody close. I don't want to kill you. I'm all set. I mean, you might not want to kill me right now, but I mean, you know, it might be a weird year for us.

No, I doubt that. If you went in, sis, just don't forget about me. Now, if you start acting funny, I will make some calls. Okay, so that's how I'm going to die in 2019. No, just don't act like you don't know me no more. You're not trying to put me in no projects. Sydney you know me and you know that I might do that that is actually

quite on brand of you I'm sorry Sidney Washington I don't know him that is quite on brand of you no I wouldn't do that I only hang out with very few people and I only have time for very few people and it's only people that I like

and you already know like this year I'm not pretending to like you if you give me a weird creepy lifetime movie vibe I'm going to get the security guard. We have the show at the knitting factory every Sunday at 9 p.m. And there was a man that was looking at me weird. And I was like, I'm going to go get the bouncer to have him escort it out.

Just because he was looking at me funny. I'm not here to make waves, but I'm also not here for you to make me uncomfortable. This man was creepy. He had like a botched plastic surgery face. He did. And he was like, he came to stand by where all the comics were. i know he's not a comedian he looked like a little baby vampire and he was talking to me and i was like i don't like the way you're looking at me i don't like the way you're speaking to me you have

to go what did he say i didn't say that to him but no but what did he say he came over and was like hi he had this weird accent he was like lorenzo he sounded like he was like transylvanian or something um that's where dracula is from and he was like holding my hand and i he had like weird like rough you know when you poured elmer's glue on your hand and you let it dry and it was all flaky that's what his hands felt like and i was like trying to pull my hand and then he said that he thought i was beautiful or something and then he would not stop staring at me dead body a dead person just came to the show right he had like a a tattooed brow and like his cheek you know when remember when lady gaga was putting like those fake bone things on those horns on her forehead

that's what his whole face looked like and i was like i have to no what would a white woman do in a restaurant if this was happening to her right now she would ask him to leave excuse me please go no she's like hey come on i think we have an extra bottle coming through what you got to do is the crazy people you got to befriend them that scares them they're like oh wait you want me around no that's why i don't have that many people who are weird to me because i'm weird i'm overly nice and i'm i have no problem talking and i have no problem giving hugs and i know i have i'm not doing hugs no more either i'm not no problem sharing inviting people out and they're like oh okay actually i'm busy no that doesn't work for me because the creepy people who are around me

if i was nice to them they would just think oh marie must like me or oh like i need you to know that i don't like you yeah i need you to know that this is weird it's unacceptable and i don't have to pretend to be nice to you this sis i'm not wasting that energy uh this year okay if it's not bringing me money or joy or orgasms i don't have time for it that's valid okay so no i'm not and i'm not hugging like men feel like oh because i'm like small like they can just hug me no no touching don't touch me i don't like you i'm like do we smell i don't know if you showered you got 10 roommates and one bathroom don't touch me well what people don't know i hug because i like to transfer my negative energy so i'm just just trying to get better you know what i'm saying

i'm actually it's self-care yeah it's actually i'm hugging you because i had a terrible day you need this day now so people think i'm hugging because i'm like oh my god i'm so nice it's like no bitch take take this i have no money energy okay and then i give you a hug and i'm like oh my god do i live on the upper east side now like that is what i'm doing you got all the more reason for me to not be hugging strangers yeah like yeah and i feel like i'm i'm shorter than most people so like my face is like next to like no i don't want bed bugs or whatever the hell you might have don't touch me yeah and i don't want whatever negative psycho energy that y'all got that's it's a real thing right but um yeah and the thing is is that we post where we are i think

what's so weird about social media is like y'all setting up the stalkers so right like they you got geotags you'll be like oh i'm in this bar it's like oh you at this bar at this hour y'all just got there oh you just doing a video of y'all walking into the place well i got and i can 30 minutes i can see the sign prominently featured i know exactly where y'all are at i know that i know that painting i know where you're at oh i'm coming through no i don't geotag you be geotagging no i don't i don't geotag i don't geotag but i know a lot of people who do and i know a lot of people who like instagram famous people who be showing where they at and i realized um i followed this one chick and she what she does she puts her insta stories the next day she does not post them

while it's happening she's like oh i was in i don't know turks and cacos and she was like oh i know that there's a lot of fans here so she's like i only put my shit the next day so they don't know where i'm at like where so if they try to go to that resort or whatever how crazy do you have to be to see that I'm in Turks and Caicos and you like oh let me pack a bag there's so many these people have the time and if you have time and money and you obsessed I'm going they're going that sound like some single white female realness or just anybody I mean I've watched so many documentaries where the people were like well they would go to this same bar every Friday at nine o'clock it wasn't that hard to catch this bitch it's like what that's why i'm happy that my life

is so sporadic except on sundays at nine o'clock at the knitting factory no no no we're gonna be we're gonna be making moves this year also so it's like we're not gonna be there every sunday yeah yeah yeah someone will be there every sunday but it's not gonna be all three of us some of us got trips to the bahamas or barbados or i don't know bolivia play right like but that's what happened with um kim kardashian right she was like she's in paris and she's posting all this stuff and she got robbed or so they said um remember she was she got some dude came to her hotel room and tied her up tied her up and stole her ring or i don't know i'm sorry friends this sounds terrible to say but your security is so fucking tight you're in another country somebody

was able to come into your she had allegedly she sent him away you know the show is they need the rating sis so you know i i don't want to say that happened but i'm just i don't you don't believe i don't believe the way i've worked at a bar with people who have really tight security they don't play they like when beyonce and jay-z came to my bar they had a security guard on each end and then they had another security they had somebody else making sure the security for the bar was outside of the doors making sure that like nobody if they didn't have a reservation could get in so jay-z and beyonce had julian julian the main dude the lights can do that they say that she's sleeping uh and then two people at the door like exits up and then another

backup bouncer dude the hotel has security as well right they're just making sure like those people ain't on payroll they're on somebody payroll but not they but they're just making sure and even like saudis who are prince they have crazy security yeah but they're worth like billions of dollars in oil and solid gold and so is freaking kim kardashian right but allegedly what happened was she sent her security away because her other siblings were going out and she was gonna chris jenna set this whole thing up you know the mother was a mastermind and the mom did all this like anything for ratings girl i'm sorry she's been she's been in that bar that i worked into and like there was security like i remember when kanye came in when she when he was

with amber rose they had crazy security i just don't if you're in another country i just don't believe well maybe her whole security team didn't have passports who knows OK, I want to talk to you guys about Everlane. Listen, you've heard us talk about it before. I really like all of their stuff for right now, like tis the season to have on a bomb ass sweater or like a really comfortable shoe or like pull out a really sexy leather wallet. It's Christmas time. Give a gift, buy a gift, buy yourself two gifts. But would you buy a T-shirt for $50 if you knew it only cost $7 to make it? We wouldn't. With Everlane, you never overpay for quality clothes. Everlane only makes premium essentials using the finest materials without traditional markups. And they tell you their

real costs so you know you're never overpaying. Everlane wants you to know what you're paying for and why. They're radically transparent, like clear, sis. And every step of their process, you know what the materials they're using and the ethical factories that they work with. because Everlane sells directly to you their prices are 30 to 50 percent lower than traditional retailers Everlane's clothes look better they cost less and they last longer essentials like their crew t-shirt are exactly what they need to be simple stylish and made from quality materials I got this awesome leather wallet from them I have a this this amazing backpack that like I can hide my laptop in so I won't get robbed it's beautiful their stuff is so comfortable and it

looks good if photographs well you're gonna get all the likes on instagram everlane's timeless essentials are just what you're looking for no frills just quality and right now you can check out our personalized collection at everlane.com slash expert plus you get free shipping on your first order so that's everlane.com slash expert again everlane.com slash expert i don't want to be that famous like i've i never want to be that famous yeah like i want to be like able to still like you know like jump on the train like john ham you know like with a hat and some sunglasses and people don't know who i am that's what i want i don't want people to meet me and be like fainting and crying and like i'm not michael jackson sis like i'm a nigga with a

job i just want to be famous enough where people give me stuff for free give me stuff give me stuff I'm trying to pay for things like please like send me send me some makeup send me clothes if you want to let me stay

in your resort for a weekend give me that yes give me free experiences give me shoes give me give me if you want

oh we got these new glasses that you can see into another world send me that shit no no no you want the Ray J glasses the ones that like

fold in eight different ways it's like a double monocle you could like bend the arm they like tilt down look just google Ray J glasses right now. Listen, when he was showing that, I was like

that is a crackhead stunt. Crackheads will show you some regular shit and they'll be like, oh no, no, this is new on the market. This is on the black market. This is called a pencil. Yeah, it's a pencil. You're like, you mean this is a black market? You mean a crack market? No, no, no. This is definitely, this is a duffel bag

sir. Yeah, he's like, no, this is a new, it's a sideways backpack and you're like, this is a duffel bag. This is a duffel bag that also turns into a home. No, sir, you're homeless. this your vanity he's like also you could use it

as a pillow sir you are poor you're so poor also there's nothing in this bag you're sleeping on the floor why is the bag

so long this is a body bag sir nah sis you put canoes in this it's a kayak a kayak purse

you're like this crackhead is insane that's my goal for next year is to get a crackhead friend just one friend

that's just like never afraid to embarrass themselves a friend that's like yeah like a Lindsay Lohan friend or like a throwback Amanda Bynes friend apparently she's healthy now

I'm glad self care sis take care of yourself somebody that'll like take the fall for me like when we out come in crimes the cops stop us and there's a gun in the car say it's your gun sis you the crackhead you have nothing to lose the little Kim the tiny NTI

say that this is your gun you're just so having to have a silencer okay cool yes yes yes that's your gun for protection right listen when you get out of jail I got a spot for you on the on the team yeah I mean listen I just want more stuff more things take a chance you know I've realized that um in comedy or in this industry it's all about you want a sure thing you want to make sure I know that I'm gonna this person is gonna hit every time and i'm gonna get money every time from them and it's just like live a little live the teleprompter is hard i can't read the teleprompter that's all right people love

somebody they can relate to there's tons of people who can't read cardi b is thriving she can't read yeah so like she can barely speak english people took a chance on cardi and look at her now so i feel like people took a chance on her after her social media following had already I'm like grown to be really big I'm there people and people love a messy relatable person that's me that's like Cardi B she speaks and you're like what words did she just say okay I've been K'd out in a McDonald's on a Saturday so come on now been K'd out in a McDonald's or says you relatable that's not relatable to me I've been to McDonald's I've never taken K I've never been I've never been on drugs in the daytime at a fast food restaurant well there's somebody who relates

to me somebody in milwaukee the dude with the duffel bag relates to that the dude that's trying to sell us a pencil yeah it's just like come on man you want that regular like squared same old same old person hosting your shit get you get you somebody who takes who on a j train you know i'm saying like live a little live a little that's my plan for the new year's to live a little bit to live a lot of bit like i want to travel i want to like with like i want to see like i want to see the i don't know the northern lights or whatever in i don't know where they are i was gonna say ireland i don't think that's where they are uh i wanna you know i wanna go to different countries i need to renew my passport i want for sure people to send me free things uh because i feel like i

deserve it let's go ahead and just say our sizes for the listeners i wear a small uh everything and uh seven and a half shoe very small i'm like so tiny but my butt is so big so like the littlest waist and the widest hips no that's not that's not me but no i i wear us i saw eight depending on the shoe you know if it's european probably a 10 um you know my bust size is 32 so you figure it out um 32 what uh 32 in a daisy fuentes bra i'm a c but in a cole's bra i'm a c but in Victoria's Secret I'm a D so you know

if hair I like a one or a 1B right but what type of you like a Brazilian you like a curly you like a straight

you like a kinky straight I like a long hair thick red bone yeah you know whatever Lil Wayne wants give me that how many inches of hair sis

in an ideal world 22 22 inches 22 if you're trying to if you're on a budget you know I'll take a 20

I'll take an 18 um are you looking for a closure like come on like let's talk about the hair if you want to come to my house and do my hair i'm down with that too no that's he said you're gonna get selena next year you're just inviting strangers into your home well my hair will be laid will it i got two motherfucking cats so try me jelly and jam yeah they're ready to go but only one of those cats is ever out one of them is literally a scary cat and then the one that's out it's just friendly jam got the razor come through pull up then he's like oh i know jam he's so sweet he's like oh a new friend will you feed me yeah he's like i think that's why he likes

me because he we're like the same person oh somebody knew that might spend money on food for me oh yeah you like rub on your leg and like hi and i'm like stupid cat he's like so i'm jam i don't know if you heard about me because she doesn't really talk about me but i'm here so what are you gonna do when you go away for your birthday with these cats uh well i have a automatic feeder so it feeds them four times a day so no one's gonna stay at the house you just gonna order you want to duracell it duracell is watching the cats i think i'm gonna get a little you know uh nanny cam check on them cats but uh other than that they they good i've been watching this thing and i'm like yo they literally don't even need us and now like the cats don't even fuck with me

like they're like bitch ever since we got this automatic feeder sydney so explain how this automatic feeder works for the people who don't have cats it's just like a little machine that you put the cat food in and then you put a timer on it and it sets it and it feeds it in the morning they get them two little snacks during the day and then they feed them again at night But I feel like one of the cats could potentially be in both of the cats' food. No. It's two different feeders, and it's... Jam know what to do.

He a good boy. I love you, Jam. Isn't Jam the fat one that eats all the food? Yeah, Jam is fat. He's cute. And he's black. And I was like, oh, my God, that's how I'm going to be in five years. I'm going to be a little fat cat.

Do you think that you'll ever get fat? I don't even know if your body can be fat. I mean in five years when you're an A-list celeb and you're eating filet every other day listen I'm going to be seamless webbing every time can I seamless web some lobsters

you're going to be at like all the paparazzi restaurants where they like you're going to be at Nobu and Mamafuku and blah blah blah another thing in 2019 invite us to some restaurants for free can we get some stuff yeah I'm putting that on the unofficial expert vision board

can we taste some things you know we got a palette we're gonna be at the galas and the golden globe after parties yeah invite us to events that obviously is gonna be well you know organized to have food and a gift bag can i get a motherfucking gift bag yeah we went to a gala two weeks ago and it was sponsored by automar which is this you know the watches watch company that rappers say in their songs and i was like oh the gift bag is gonna be real cute and the event ended and i was like where do i go for the gift bags and they were like no give back they were like the what and i was like the bags of gifts there was a folder a folder with some coupon i said what the fuck is what i'm gonna

do with this paper oh you can't you get five hundred dollars off your ten thousand dollar purchase are you who are you this for they didn't even give me a folder like they were like she not she don't have money um hey if you open an account with us we're just like all you got to do is put in 30 grand what like this what am i doing with this folder you can go to hell they didn't give me a folder i don't want this shit i'm getting an overpool what i'm gonna do with this folder listen dress us for these events i mean i wore a sequined uh robe dress that i immediately returned so yeah some of the sequins was falling off too i just threw them in the bag i was like it arrived the item arrived damaged send us things like for real send us things to review them you know and

i'll put them on my instagram and i won't i'll roast them lightly hashtag ad you know i read this article the other day that said that people are pretending they're posting fake sponsored posts. Have you seen this? That's beautiful. They're like, they'll go to like resorts or they'll go to restaurants and be like, thanks for the hospitality Wendy's.

And they'll take a picture and make it seem like they were, it was sponsored, but it won't be. Or they'll go to a resort and just like post things and use ad speak and so that their followers think that they're making But on top of the on top of the photo or video it says sponsored by somebody so in order for it to be truly sponsored

no not all of the sponsored posts say sponsored up top some of them it just says hashtag ad at the bottom yeah like some of the bigger ones like american express will be like sponsored by mx but come on sis i'm gonna post this picture of this fruit by the foot and be like thank you so much for uh for the the treat foot by the foot yeah by the foot we want things that we can actually freaking use like y'all got furniture i really would love a new couch y'all want to say i want a velvet couch i want i can you just send some rugs or something just like thanks so much rugs rugs.com yeah i see y'all sending shit to people that i'm like that person not even interested so like we're interesting and funny yeah i want some linens i want some free brook

linen or some i don't know parachute sheets listen if you send me a chair i will post a picture of me butt naked on that chair eating ice cream and be like a girl's gotta do what girl's gotta do just like a little bit of it dripping yeah oh what friday night look at that sponsored come on guys if you send me a chair i'll sit on it backwards little ass crack but naked little ass ears just like just like oh my god i wonder how did i get this way oh my god send me a send me something we'll post naked but like I'm tastefully like I told you I'm ready to thot it out in 2019 I'm gonna use my body to get what I want yeah I'm not afraid I got fake titties what do I do with them nothing literally

send us a grand piano and Sydney will be butt naked on the it is ridiculous that I had I bought boobs not knowing my future you know I bought my boobs like because I was waitressing and I was like I'm gonna be with like one of these bottle waitresses and now what am I doing running from spot to spot, $20 here, $2 there. Listen, I invested in myself, and now I'm in the hole. So if you guys want to send me stuff that will validate these breasts, do that. So a lot of low-cut things then? Yeah, low-cut things.

Are we doing side boob in 2019? I don't know. Send me bras. Under boob. Under boob is sexy boob. Send me lingerie. I'll take that. So some Savage Fenty.

Ooh, I actually— Kind of fenced us. Come on, let's talk about it. No offense, sis, but the Savage, you spent a little time on that, sis. I was like, who is this lingerie for? For the laid off mother? I don't know what I mean. It looks like, what's the maiden form?

Ah, it's just, I've seen that stuff at Century 21. I love you, Riri. If you want to send some Fenty, though, I got the cheekbones. No, I got the lips. I mean, only certain Fenty things because the foundation oxidizes and you look like a dead body Because what that means is the color that it is when you put it on, it gets darker over time. This is a real review, y'all. It's a real review from, like, professional makeup artists.

That's what they've been telling me. Her makeup oxidizes. It's no bueno. So, listen, if you want us to uplift you and drag you at the same time, please send us your things. Yeah, we'll review. We'll rate, comment, and review. I truly, truly believe that, like, we are the best. Listen, and you know me.

I'm going to give a real review. Remember when that hair company sent me that hair? Oh, my God. That was the funniest thing I have seen. I was like, this weave is like pubes. I was like. Oh, you pulled, when you pulled the wig off and you were like, this is how I actually look. I had it tied under my chin.

Oh, it's so funny. The hair was so bad. And they sent you, then they emailed you a couple times like, take this down. They were like, we are, we're going to speak to our attorneys and take you to court. Send them. Okay. Meanwhile, wasn't it from like a Chinese country or is that like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was from a Chinese country, friend.

Oh, sorry. Their hair was 100% from a Chinese country. Which Chinese country? Vietnam? Listen, don't be giving me this World War II hair. How dare you? I was like, sis, this hair. They sent me Hiroshima

clip-ins. Oh, no. Oh, no. I ain't gonna send a shit now. Thanks a lot, Marie. No, you should be sending quality things. Send me some Beats by Dre headphones. Send me some sneakers. Send me like Lululemon workout gear.

Send me, don't be sending me like packets of green juice. No, I don't want stuff to eat. I don't need no flat tummy tea, bitch. I'm good. My shit flat flat. It's good. Don't send me waist trainers. I don't need it.

All I would use a waist trainer for is to put my snacks in. So when I go in the movie theaters, I'm packed. Yeah, you're just like. Yeah. That's brilliant That's the only thing I would do for a waist trainer To smuggle thanks I'm smuggling thanks

I'm smuggling thanks So a year from now where are we going to be In an ideal world what is it going to look like First of all the podcast is going to be We're going to be 10 million listeners Yes A day Can we do a show in London

I'm trying to be outside of the country I'm trying to have unofficial experts In Australia Okay. I'm trying to be Sidney and Sidney, bitch. Like, make it happen. Sidney and Sidney. I believe in y'all.

You know what I mean? All you got to do is literally repost, tell other people to listen, give us mad reviews on iTunes. Listen, it be happening to other people. I'm like, okay. We're like, oh, them? Y'all like them? Yeah.

Oh, cool. So you would love us. Okay. If you like them there, you're going to love us. Tell your mother to listen to us. Tell your dad. People who are in cars all the time. I mean, how could you not?

Honestly, all the people who send us messages saying that our podcast made their year or helped them get through a tough time, we appreciate those messages, but also send them to your friends. Send those exact same messages to the people that are closest to you. Yeah, it's all about that. It's all up to y'all. It's really in your hands. Honestly, our careers are fully in your hands. You, listener, you right now. You in your car, on the train, in your cubicle, you.

And you know how much it costs to do that? $3.99. Free. the goodness of your heart just well I feel like I'm one of those evangelist preachers that are like trying to sell their church to people yeah you're Joel Olsteen

did you see the video of the guy the preacher that was in like a harness and floating over the church did you see that no he was like are y'all ready for Jesus to return and he was

flying over the congregation no and then he landed at the pulpit and he was like i said are you ready for jesus and then they had to like unhook him you didn't see the video it's on instagram he did spider-man on ice what's going on since he was doing the pink like vma performance oh he was doing cirque de soleil for jesus well if y'all need us to do that for unofficial expert i'm i'm in for it put me in a you go flipping a wig sis yo honey for the unofficial i got y'all i'm not flipping i'll I'll make sure the wig is secured. Well, you know what?

I'll walk out. You know, we'll have private techniques. I'll be sitting there and then the lights will go down and you'll hear, ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to rumble. And then it'll be like, and then Sydney all the way from West Harlem. Raised in Oakland. and then it's just gonna be sydney in a thigh high boot and like a good wig a good one good wig but like a backup wig because you're gonna pull the wig off it's gonna be another wig

it's gonna be a wig reveal yeah and then i'm gonna have all the products that people send for send to me for free we're just gonna be it's gonna be raining confetti look this listen the artificial expert live in in sydney australia at the opera house and I'll just be on stage waiting for your friend like in a full split though yeah because everybody's like well where's Sydney and then I come right but I'm gonna come out and be like guys I got bad news Sydney couldn't come out with me tonight and people are gonna be like oh she's the nice one can we make this happen y'all okay that's us in exactly a year 365 days from now oh my god we're

gonna be in um we're gonna be in uh japan no we're gonna be in tokyo south africa we're gonna be in uh what's the place we're gonna be in milan oh i would love some milan do you think it would translate over there who cares yeah they'll be like naomi campbell oh two naomi campbells no it's gonna be they're gonna say naomi campbell and they're gonna make and Kerry Washington? No, Serena Williams? That's not a compliment. That's not a compliment.

Venus? Venus? That also not a compliment. Okay, okay. Ciara? Ciara? Okay, sis, you know what? You just stop saying black girls

that are doing things. If somebody says you look like Serena Williams, that's not a compliment. If someone calls you the Serena Williams of something, then that's a compliment. So she's about doing, not about looking.

I mean, she be having, sis. Her looks off the court? I don't know if Serena listens to this podcast, but your eyebrows, boo. Can we just ease up? The edges of the wig, sometimes the makeup, the glam squad. Honestly, I'm a fan. I love everything about you. And if you actually want to send me a tennis ball with an autograph, I'll take that.

For what? You're going to put the tennis ball in your laundry to like dry your sheets faster? No, when we're in Australia at the opera house, I'm going to come down and then throw it to one of the audience members. They're going to be like, oh, cool. A green ball. no yeah yeah I'm excited about this show

that we're doing we gonna have gift bags for y'all for all 60,000 of you guys truly I want us to go on tour can that happen

how many seats in the Australian Opera House somebody google it how many how many seats how many seats in the yeah

we just wanna know you know what we gonna be doing we got the producers in the studio they on it she's Australian 9,730

9,000 5,000 yeah we can do that we can do easy we'll have 5 000 bags we'll sell out in one hour yo yo i want us to go on tour can that happen okay what where are we hitting we're hitting should have already set this tour up already but i feel like later on in the year we still have time or the summer um i i definitely want to go to atlanta i feel like atlanta would be cool you went from australia to atlanta i mean

we gotta start local with the tour okay well let's go through the alphabet atlanta is an a uh were you trying to go to baltimore after we could go to boston because it's not that far from here i don't know if our demo is in boston it's a lot of like y'all like niggas like that use guys yeah it's a lot of you know uh depatted dudes up there i don't know if they listening to the unofficial yeah a lot of matt damons and whatnot a lot of mark walbergs yeah a lot of marky marks yeah they might have people waiting after the show to fuck us up so or or just bang us oh hey what's up marie i heard you like white guys sometimes yeah i'm not doing no white dudes in 2019 oh man yeah i'm gonna still date them like they can take me out but i'm not banging no white

dudes in 2019 well you know i i support you i guess i support you in your journey your peen journey my peen journey uh it's gonna be so you know we got this show and this guy's um messaged me on twitter and was he didn't even send him he sent me a tweet and was like hey do you want to grab a drink and make fun of people for santa con like because that was like a couple weeks ago uh where like people get drunk and wear santa costumes and go all over the city and this guy was like do you want to get a drink and make and i was you know i looked at his profile and i was like now i don't why would you do why would i do that with you come on chad you're not even my type yeah you look short and chubby but i'm gonna have that energy into it um in 2019 i'm gonna

have that dude's day i'm gonna just be tweeting hey hey jet blue can you send me some tickets or nah i'm just trying to go to australia because me and marie got a tour you know what i'm saying we're about to sell out the opera house but i can't do that unless i have free tickets okay so b and then c we're gonna go to um canada canada we're gonna do shows in what's another the place that starts with a c friend we know nothing cuba we're gonna do shows in cuba d we gonna be in denver denmark oh denmark okay i thought we were doing local fun no we're thinking we're dreaming big okay we're gonna be in denmark denmark um and then oh dublin and then and then um e e e uh oh come on somebody give us the e i was gonna say everland but that's not a place

Shout out to Everlane again for sending them fleeces. Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. That's cute. They got a festival there. Okay. And then F, France.

France. Ah, that would be beautiful. Yeah, Finland. I feel like I got a perfect little blazer for France. You got a French blazer? Yeah, I got a French blazer from French Connection. I'm going to do French braids. French twist going into French braids.

And then have French fries. And then I'm going to eat French toast. I'm going to have French fries while I'm French kissing your ass. Not you. Ew. Whose ass? Not you. I mean, I knew it wasn't going to be me, but you're French kissing everybody in the sold-out

crowd? Wow. French fries with French toast on them. Way to bring the mood down, Sid. And then, I don't know what, G. Let's close out in Georgia. That's Atlantis. This is in Georgia.

Oh, wow. We already did that. So you're just going to go back? Full circle. You're just going to laugh. The tour stops at G, guys. Look, it's 26 letters. We'll do 26 different places this year

Yeah, come on guys We gotta make it happen We need to be We need to be on all the lists I mean, we already have a U, right? Union Hall We're gonna be at Union Hall On Friday, January 11th

It's a The doors are at 9.30 Tickets are online right now You should get them Like, what are you doing? It's literally We haven't even checked If people are buying tickets

But now they are Every time we've ever done a show there It's been sold out Sold out Do you hear me? Don't be the dude DMing me Like, hey, they're saying that There's no more room

Hello hello sold out so honestly if you don't get them now i can't help you when it's time because people will message us and it'll be friends people that we know or people who message us from you know regularly for the podcast that are like hey they're saying that there's you know there's no room is there anything you could know there's nothing i can do okay so we're going from union hall so listen it's up to you we could be in madison square garden in a year y'all you hear me okay you hear me come on it's really tell them let them know tell your cousins cousins cousin we will come we're coming to seattle uh we'll come to what's a v place vienna we listen everywhere

we'll eat some sausages we're ready vancouver i'll come to wichita what up i don't know that's kansas pull up pull up wichita i'm not sure uh oklahoma we might we might pass right through there we not we might not stay look how beautiful we are we i mean we legit promoted y'all to promote us for about 15 20 minutes that is genius honestly who needs ads i think i deserve a fruit roll-up you do by the foot by the foot sis i had somebody left it here in the stews so i'm gonna eat it so we we we had a we had a wonderful year we moved networks right we we had all the guests shout out to forever dog we had all the guests you know it's we're just gonna have more guests next year let's talk about who we gonna have on serena williams is our first guest for the new

year yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and everybody's doing michelle obama so like we're gonna do something more you know something better michelle obama says oprah oprah's gonna do oprah's gonna be on forever dog let's go through let's go through the letters of the alphabet a ariana grande gonna do it b beyonce for sure oh she's she's not booked next year we've already recorded the beyonce episode yeah so you guys gotta listen and like tell all your friends yeah c put it on the Beehive website. C for Ciara. For Cardi B.

Yeah. Oh, if Cardi was to be on this podcast, I don't want nobody trying to act like they know me now. Okay?

Like, lose my number. Don't text me. I don't want no DMs. No, bitch. You should have had me when we had Molly Austin. Okay?

Okay. Who's going to be at Union Hall on the 11th of January? Ah, you see what I'm saying? Yo, if you can't feel the chemistry

that's in the studio right now, we're on fucking fuego fire fuego fire this is gonna happen in Australia dude okay and D we gonna have Doug Doug funny the cartoon character is our guest

in 20 he's on the calendar is he still alive Doug funny the cartoons don't die sis so it's just gonna be me coming in and Doug face no oh my god no Cindy that's Roger Klotz remember Cindy's Halloween costume

never forget oh my god when she was green 2018 good lord and then who else is doing

we got Sarah Palin coming in wow that's gonna be a dry episode oh yeah it's already dry yeah I'm gonna drink five bottles of water

during that time and then we have Donald Trump coming in right straight from prison right after the impeachment Donald Trump is doing the podcast

why would we do such a thing he's gonna be our dumb expert yes we need a dumb expert he's the only one nobody else

could top him our orange expert okay look you see this we're giving you guys all of this for how much $3.99 right okay if if wait if wait now you can get on the patreon for five dollars if you join now for just five dollars you too can listen to these messy ass bonus episodes yeah we name names on the patreon oh my god sydney tells even more of her business oh my god you would think you would wait there's more you know that's my life but wait there's more uh and then anybody else is there did we want to mention any other guests that we have already booked or recorded for the new year we had yamanika saunders we had duane perkins our weed expert yeah we had yamanika was our no dick

expert she getting dick now though yeah we got we had larry owens our code switching expert We had Matt Rogers, Bore and Yang, Catherine Cohen. Like, listen, the list goes on and on and on. What was your favorite or what are some of your top episodes for the year that just passed? My favorite one has got to be April Crunchy Mess Storm. Oh, Runaway Bride? That Runaway Bride. Bitch, she's still delusional.

She dumb. No, she not dumb. Our guests are never dumb. Nah, she was the dumbest person we've ever had on the podcast. Oh my God. Because she was delusional, right? She was supposed to marry this man. She married this man.

She was in love with her friend, this woman, and they had an affair at the wedding dress fitting. And she got married, and her friend was married to a man and had a child. And then somebody tried to come in our DMs and said they were going to sue us. What? We ain't had no money? Who you sue it?

No, no, no, no, no. The initial email that we got was, I know the real story behind this, and I would love to do a follow-up episode. And we were like, well, we're not flying you up, but you could conference him. We could Skype you in, bitch. We should follow up on that.

We should. For the new year. For 2019. Because the girl was like, oh, they pretended to be best friends and she came to her lover's child's birthday party and they were making out over the cake. Oh my God.

This is scandal. Just flaunting their scandalous love. This is like some Maury shit, y'all. You can only catch this on the unofficial expert at Forever Dog. At Forever Dog. And again, just for $5, we'll throw in some bonus episodes. For $5 extra, we'll throw in a ShamWow.

But wait, there's more. If you call right now, we'll double the Patreon. And you'll get, instead of one a week, you'll get one a week. Wait, there's more. If you get on the Patreon right now, four new episodes for the month. or we'll swipe you through swipe you through the train we got that

we're giving out swipes for anybody who who spends $20 or more I'm not I'm not taking the train in 2019 that's my resolution I'm not taking the train

no more really I mean I'm not gonna take it regularly I'm gonna take the train like once a week just so I can see how poor people

is living still it's in the contract sis no I was like I haven't signed it yet I haven't seen the contract friend but this has been

a wonderful year so many changes so many new people and then old people leaving uh we just we're just so happy to be in a studio we're so happy to have new listeners yes we're so happy to know that there's gonna be more we're gonna go on tour um i just feel like the energy is high and we're leaving on the highest note yes the highest note because i smoked weed this morning the highest of the notes. The highest notes. I do. I feel good about it. I feel like personally and professionally, we gonna

thrive. If you're a listener and your dad works, I don't know, at Forbes and he got money or something, go ahead and send him my information. Yes. I'm only hanging out with people who are moving forward and have money next year.

Same. So, Sydney, this is the last episode we'll ever do together. Wow. This is it. Marie, I thought we were gonna leave on a high note. Put your hand on the middle of the table. I want to hold it. No, bitch. No, take it back. Sydney, you are going to thrive

next year. Like, you're going to find your true calling as whatever you're doing after comedy. I feel like you're going to thrive, friend. I really, truly believe that. Like, no one works harder as a stand-up than you do. Marie has both her eyes open. Like, sis, I'm being honest right now. I'm looking right at your eyes. I'm giving you

direct eye contact. I see your pupils. This is weird. Sis, do you see them? Do you see? I'm pulling them down a little bit so you can see. Oh, my God. Underneath. Wow, your eyes are brown. Sydney, yes. They've always been brown. Oh, my God.

You know what? She don't even know what color my eyes are. That's how busy we are. Yeah, anyway, happy New Year, friend. Happy New Year to everybody that's listening. Go out there, and if y'all got vision boards and you guys got goals, go ahead and tell us what they are on the page. Yeah, and real resolutions only.

Only put stuff that you can really get and do. Like, don't just don't go over because you're like, oh, you know, I got to just go above and beyond. Do stuff that's reasonable. Do stuff that like works. Do stuff like I don't know. I don't know. Maybe have like a goal, like a reach or reach goal. OK, something something to reach for.

Shout out to everybody who's listened to us and has been for like all of these past years. Yeah. I'm talking about Star. I'm talking about Jojo. I'm talking about Sydney who else who else do we have that's listening to the podcast

Kelly Kelly Kelly Soleil Soleil I don't even I don't you know sis

you know that's what your name is on the gram everybody everybody that listens we love you like a friend like a friend

I feel like I'm hugging you every day I'm just giving y'all a cool high five yes secret handshake okay well I think that's it

for me friend if we didn't say your name because we only said four names yeah there's so many just know that I'm looking through

my Instagram right now and I'm not seeing I'm seeing my own comments oh my god but everybody who comments we love y'all for doing that yes we love you so much it's like there's a Jen

that listens there's probably like a Bobby a Mary everybody in Seattle everybody in Texas everybody in Canada you know

we love people in Australia that listen yeah all 5,000 of y'all there's like a Nina Simone that messages us you know it's great

somebody in Botswana or Bulgaria or something and we were like what country is that yes Is that New York? Texas. Anyway, bye, friends.

Love you. Rate, comment, subscribe. See you on January 11th. Forever Dog. This has been a Forever Dog production. Executive produced by Brett Boehm, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit foreverdogpodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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