MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Brazilian Butt Wax

Episode Date: June 14, 2019

Nails done, (butt) hairs done, everything big for this episode of the Unofficial Expert! Its extra messy this week with Sydnee and Marie, talking about everything from moving in next-door to your ex to pooping in the shower #DOODOO----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog hola hola hola hola hola hola hola hola darling oh my god i'm i'm so excited for the summer but i just i need to there's so much prep like i want to get my feet right well my feet are not there yet what do you mean you got them painted this week that's not enough Like, I legit need to soak them bitches for, like, days. They just have gone through so much. When you go to get your pedicure, you don't let them do the callus remover for you? Okay, let me tell you about this bitch-ass nail salon I went to named Marie's in Soho. Well, Soho, they don't give a damn about you, sis.

If it's white people doing the nails, it's not going to be as good. It was not white people. It's Spanish people or Asian people? Well, they got attitudes now. I don't know what they're going through. It must be full moon or something for them. it must be the year of a don't give a damn because i had to yell at my nail tech this week too what happened she pushed all my cuticles back and then didn't paint my nails to where she pushed my

cuticles it was like sis it looks like i need a filling now like how i'm here and you pushed every anyway so i had to yell at her and she was like we'll do another code and she tried to act like i was being dramatic and all of the white people in the salon were looking at me like i was being extra and i was like i paid look at my nails fifty dollars for a pet a mani pedi it oh i thought you did these yourself exactly it motherfucking exactly now this is first world problem obvi but still i paid for a manicure and a pedicure i don't even want to tell you how much you paid because i just said i paid 50 for a manicure and a pedicure yeah how much did you pay you gonna show us your toes i had to give it i had to give a tip how much did you pay

you got to say something gross like $79 in Soho friend you was you went to Balthazar and you were like oh I couldn't help but wonder you trying to get your sex in the city on you forgot who you are

Bushwick Bushwick Bidet how much did you pay like $77 I was yelling at my 50 I was like I paid you already I was arguing with I was like you're doing my toes terribly first of all you're not scraping any of the dead screen off you hit it a couple times and you try to move on and i was like what is this yeah you gotta soak them in like the

salt and i see the way somebody the way they dip your feet in the water that's how you know this shit is gonna be either good or trash yeah she grabbed me by the shin and shoved my foot in the water and i was like oh they real aggressive here the my water wasn't even warm bitch it was chilly it was like they put ice cubes in it okay the water was freezing let's go get those fish pedicures so the little fish can eat the dead skin off our feet let's do that let's see how much those cost it's gonna be a lot it's patreon patreon fund um so what happened you yelled at this woman i said yeah you're not really doing my toes right and it looks bumpy i mean you didn't like it had a little air bubbles or anything like that and you know she said whatever and then

you know called over somebody else and a woman started examining my feet and you were like you too close to my toes and basically she was looking at my feet like well sis your feet are just ugly so there's nothing we can do you gotta talk to god about that oh my but god and it's just like i girl good god like what's going on here i'm not understanding so she she did my toes bad did my and then after after she did my toes she was on my hands and i had already spoke to her about my toes and i was like i just know you're gonna do the hands fucked up anyway oh my god new york post woman's feet fall off after getting a fish pedicure wait what oh my god talk about it Read it, read it.

Wait, let me see. Okay, a woman's toenail started falling off when she contracted a disease when getting a fish pedicure. According to a doctor's report published Tuesday, the bizarre beauty practice has people rest their feet in tubes of lukewarm water while tiny fish called Gararufa

nibble at their dead skin. Anyway, her toenail started falling off. She was in her 20s. Months after her nails stopped growing and fell off, the woman went to visit her dermatologist were ruled out blah blah blah blah blah blah blah that was in the new york post uh last year so maybe we're not going to go do that just keep going to where you're going friend i need my toenails it's the top of the summer and my toenails fall off well every year a toenail

falls off for me so that's nothing a whole toenail falls off well you know what since i stopped waitressing the toenails have not fallen off but when i was working i would like probably hit my toe up against something somebody would step on a toe like it's just a lot of chaos going on in a nightclub so what does it mean that the toenail falls off it's dead so it's black it's black you didn't

hit it up against something and it's gone and then it falls off and there's just a little hole there at the end of the wait please give us the visual friend cause Andrew and I are literally go it's a natural

okay so what does it look like when it falls off it's just skin oh and she's tucking his toes you tucking in your dick it's what's wrong it's not bad he's tucking his toes and it lifts the toe yeah yeah it lifts the toenail and it's like this is fungus yes yeah that's pretty much what my feet be like and it's just like oh yeah i'm i'm lucky that you know i haven't waitressed in a long time so that my feet have the room to breathe but at the same time my feet are still haggard and be and i don't know i just i want my summer to be me my feet out and not have to get these thick ass straps over my toes so don't put the straps on your toes just be prepared if you do take the train or walk outside near a group of

young teenagers they're gonna be like oh man them dogs is barking like they gonna look but you know shout out to tammy and all her dogs oh my god hey boo um team team uh okay so you uh were assertive and you got results or they just you see my hands yeah but you picked a bad color friend oh you don't like the color i thought you painted those yourself i just can't win i just you know mine are yellow and shipped and I walked out they were shipping so it's like y'all ain't got no Etsy products in here some Etsy or you know what I mean you said Etsy which one did they use I don't know you know the

like the cheap colors I'm like I just feel like people focus on so many things other than the small things and it's like the small things tell you who you are as a person oh so like you could dress nice you got your makeup done yes even get your hair done right but then there's other things it's like ah your nails raggedy like there's mad dirt underneath like you're you're a gross person raggedy your feet you got bunions everywhere if you're not a dancer a basketball player it's like well what are you doing maybe i play soccer maybe maybe i run in too tight shoes maybe i'm a waitress and I wear heels to work, maybe it's hereditary

and my mom got bad feet and her mom got bad feet and her mom's mom got bad feet. You know? Bunions can be passed down from generation to generation. Is that true? Probably.

Listeners? Possibly. Somebody Google it. Honestly? If somebody says no, that person is lying. Marie's talking and her feet are so cute.

My feet are not cute. She's got cute hands and cute feet. Wow, my hands are dry. Somebody told me once A guy that I was dating The guy I lost my virginity to Told me I had

Hands rough like a man He was Trinidadian And we don't do them no more So Trinidad is cancelled I believe in you friend He also had cornrows And that also

Cancelled Cancelled Thank you all Throw it away Bye bye Bye bye Bye bye Bye bye

That's it going down the drain Yeah so I just want to focus on the smaller things you know maybe waxing a little bit more or like getting the the cat like wax too i've never gotten a bikini wax i've never gotten one either we should go we should go to a wax place we should get it done i'll videotape your face and you can videotape my face i'm gonna be scared it's scary it's gonna hurt well you know what i had never gotten any body parts waxed and i went and got my i got high and then i was like i'm gonna go get my mustache waxed bitch i went in and i walked in real loud i was like mustache they were like okay i was like i

don't have an appointment but i'm here for my mustache they take me to the back the wax is all hot i'm like oh i'm not high enough for this anymore and um they ripped it off my face it it did hurt there's no way I don't know how people do bikini and then it felt really smooth when I left she like wiped it down and I went to the apple store and all of these bumps like because my skin was irritated all these bumps I had like a I had a smooth mustache that was then bumpy so it was it was dirty or would you just have a reaction it might it was I think what it is is when you're you don't do anything to your face and then it's that much um i don't know it was like really aggressive like ripping the wax off my face um it was a it was just a reaction my face

was irritated how much hair was on there it was a lot i was like did you just do my armpit a little bit it was a lot it was a lot of hair i was like it's long too we could braid those and lady was like oh look she was laughing at me too the uh the wax lady well you're funny you came in there like mustache not holding back at all real loud too i had to walk i had to cross the whole salon mustache i mustache you a question uh i ran out of the apple store i didn't even buy what i went in there for i definitely need to get wax it's like my butthole all the time your butthole yeah what you mean all the time it's just poopy getting caught in the hair no it's like i i shaved it and then it got how do you shave your butthole it's so bad and then you're like okay

i'm not gonna shave it again i'm not gonna do it and then you're like oh this is getting out of hand because you know it just grows more so you shave and then it gets worse no i never shaved my butthole never i've tried to nair it and i was like well i gotta lay because you don't want accidentally get nair in your butthole. Now you got, I don't know, ass cancer or something. Um, Sam Taggart is having a BBQ at 5 o'clock, so. Thank you for

saying that on the podcast, friend, because the people listening need to know what we might could be doing later. Sam Taggart, he's got a backyard. He's got a backyard. He's doing quite well, our friend. Oh, you know what I, oh my God, let me tell you what I did last night. Okay. So I was supposed to go out with you guys.

Tell me what I did last night. I came home about a quarter to three come on tweet so I was looking at apartments because I was like well you know I haven't been on street easy in a moment one of my favorite pastimes is to go on street easy dot com

and type in people's addresses to see what they rent is but I think street easy only works here in New York but I was at so our friend Molly is staying with like her rich friend in Keith Herring's old apartment there yeah yeah yeah right so in soho like right off grand whatever whatever like you know like a

cute situation and then we went to margo's house yes and molly's friend in williamsburg she's moving to a place around the corner but um two-story like like a nice everything's painted white she got like teak furniture and stuff blah blah blah so i went home and i was like well let me go on street easy i haven't been on it since i had a job because when i had the job i was like I'm moving out in August. So I was, anyway. Yeah. An apartment right next to my old ex-boyfriend's house is available.

And I feel like kind of in the budget, should I move in to my ex-boyfriend's neighbor's house? Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Because I was like, I feel like I want to go see the place. I know it's like 900 plus square feet. is kind of what I want. It looks, if it's the place that I'm thinking about,

like where I had my birthday party two years ago that had the built-in bookshelves. That's how big it is? It's not that big, but it's like similar vibe to that. It's a floor-through apartment. It's in Fort Greene. It's right off the park.

But it's literally neighbors with the dude that I used to date five years ago. How we think about, what we think. Pots and pans? Pots and pans. Fuck. Right.

it's like but it's like you like i'll be close to the maybe i'll never see him no maybe i'll get back together it's fine i don't want to get back with him girl we don't we don't do refunds no take backs no rain checks this is this is how your pilot starts moves in to apartment next to x or or the pilot is moves into apartment next to x bringing random dudes in every other day and he's and he's like wow it's a brothel over there and i'm like how you doing you good can you water my plants while i'm out i leave him my keys he comes over and it's just just like sex swing and like loose butthole hairs everywhere maybe that's what my that's what my life is in 29 2020 in 2020 honestly this is the first time i'm speechless

andrew what do you think this is the first time i'm like is no comment is it like it are is it worth it to live next door to this dude and also maybe he moved maybe he moved i say go to the uh open house see the unit see how i feel that being said i can't move until september so i don't know why i'm looking but you can still look it's healthier i would go i'll come with you okay great andrew you think it's crazy you don't think i should be neighbors with my ex maria's a fucking bull bitch if my ex had any of the nerve to live where where i am oh molotov cocktail oh that apartment that you want oh it's on fire now so sorry so so sorry oh my god i hope the building's insured yeah but the building's all touch so if my building's on fire his building is also on fire

all right i had to move out anyway all right well i say we should go look at it and see how we feel about it i'll look at i'll take pictures and everything it's it's it's in for green marie that's kind of crazy that y'all broke up you never saw him again that's not i think i did see him once and i ran the other way that's not how new york works but also that is how new york works i have not run into a lot of people yeah and i've your girl had some time she got miles on this this thing how many miles you got on that thing that thing is a hundred thousand miles a fucking you eight hundred thousand it's a used toyota what you think used camry cat yeah okay cool cool i don't know whatever it's it's more for me i don't give a damn about him honestly

I know you don't give a damn there's so many other places that you can listen to yeah but this is cheap this is cheap cheap cheap it's like $1800 for a one bedroom in a cute neighborhood I don't know you're selling it as like

this is the main part of the product you know it's next to your ass I'm not selling it as that I'm telling you that's where it is I still google I still message the realtor I was like I would love to see this unit oh my god and i was like could i go i'm just gonna go look oh my god i can't this is the this is your

this is the pause about you but also a con the pause yeah the pause is it what's the pause the pros i'm like the pause i say pause you know she's saying it's pros and cons yes it you would say pause and then you'd say neg oh if you just won't say that neg okay i can I do what I want. Cindy, that's actually the con about you. That's the meg. Is you just be remixing things. Okay, so what's the pro or the pause about me?

You get something in your head and you're like, I'm going to fucking do it. Con, you get something in your head, I'm going to do it. Yeah, but you know what, though? Because I feel like we waste, I waste so much time, right? There's 24 hours in a day and there are days where I don't really do nothing. and sometimes i'll be like well i'm going out to happy hour and this is the first time i've had any human interaction all day like okay so if you have something in your head that you want to do i say just do it otherwise stop talking about it right yeah and stop thinking about it

if you're not going to do it then not don't do it but if you're going to do it also it can it can make for a very interesting summer maybe we can make him move he'll be so upset that i live next to him that he'll move that's so evil of you marie it's a little bit evil but like also sis i'm just evil is good ass is good you get some evil ass evil ass yeah you didn't watch vampire in brooklyn obviously i did not that is like that is eddie murphy as a preacher preaching about ass and evil ass is evil no evil's good ass is good speaking of ass andrew have you ever gotten your ass waxed no i've gotten it offered to by someone who was back there they were like do you want me to and i was like who said who was back he was like damn dude you need a wax bitch you

were on a date and somebody offered to go wax it yeah okay well let me see well yeah drop drop your trousers drop travel don't get don't be shy bitch we didn't see the dick you've been with so stop it. Have we seen the dick he's been wearing? Yes, you have. Oh, yeah. Oh, we did see that dick. It was beautiful. I was like, good God. Good God. I was like, Andrew can take all that. Andrew, you taking all that? We're getting it again tonight. Yay!

We went to Shake Shack last week, and Andrew said he might be getting dick after, and Sydney was like, maybe you shouldn't be eating this burger. I did that. And Andrew was like, I'm a grown-ass man. I was like, okay. Well, get shit on the dick then. Get shit on the dick. It's fine.

Grade A doo-doo. grade eight can you tell that we have not eaten anything yet today we are delusional oh my god but zuru is my favorite That was That's French Actually in French it's You be getting

Oh yeah we gotta get in the studio And record an album So Andrew when me and Sydney go get our Brazilian waxes which we're doing come with us we'll loop you in to the Patreon just for the wax how much does it cost to wax that ass

a Brazilian that's ass Siri how much does a Brazilian wax cost she threw nut in there yeah it says nut in there a Brazilian wax treatment usually costs

50 to 120 dollars at a reputable day spa for pain yeah but then after that your butt is gonna be glorious maybe different it feels you know when you first shave your legs and you go to bed and you're like ah i can feel the sheets on my skin that's what your butthole feels like yeah you just feel like it's more aerodynamic right the wind is coming through it better honestly you might be able to throw it back faster i mean sure sure sure but honey live your life okay so sydney used to shave her butthole i don't

know how you did that show us the form the position you had to be in to do that because you got it you got a hit of three point stance so i will first of all i grab one can you can you please lift it up can you show us i want to shoot content for the for the for the video for the thing okay this is sydney showing us how she wax uh shaves her ass okay i just pull it apart oh wow okay the line is crooked on your pants i squat uh-huh and i take the razor and this is in it oh no no are you using a special razor when you do this andrew's face he's not here for any of this he's like yuck see these must go uh not front to back you're supposed to go front to back not back to front

gross I got it I got it on video that's gonna go up that's content for when the episode comes out we need content

sure sure sure yeah but that's fine but I got it Sydney showed us she literally hits a legs

more than shoulder width apart and then she literally pulled her cheeks apart how you getting that thick ass razor between your butt cheeks no I have the lady razor

I pay a little extra For a pink razor Little pink tacks You know Do what I do The doo doo Doo roo Doo roo

The zoo roo I've never had doo roo On a razor So I'm good Yeah but if you had Would you tell us The answer is no I think I'm pretty honest

With both of you I have No shame Okay most embarrassing thing That ever happened to you In the shower Go Most embarrassing thing

I just think having sex In the shower is stupid So like That's not embarrassing though There was a time That like I slipped I definitely slipped slipped on the dick

not on the dick you grabbed the shower curtain and the whole thing fell down yeah it was it was bad the other person was just like furious cause it was their house

cause it's like I'm cold there's water everywhere I slipped they gotta pick me up and not fall and they're still hard the answer is

dick was absolutely limp after that you see a you see a bitch fall dick deflated yeah it was like he said

I'm all set he's like you know what I gotta get up early in the morning and you were like but you don't work and he was like yeah I'm gonna change that tonight it was sad do you have any embarrassing things

most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me in the shower as a child that was too old to be doing this I pooped in the shower at my mom's house and then I tried to smush it in the holes oh Marie that is disgusting how old were you since like nine

you totally knew better oh dude i knew better i was but you know because you fart and you think oh you fart and then you're like oh little little piece of poop came out doodle little doodle came out how much a little little piece and then you touch oh you smush it with your toes i literally threw up in my mouth smush it with your toes it's gross i should have just picked it up and thrown it in the trash you ended up with my hands if you shit in the tub you burn the tub the tub is gone

now and then the other time I did it I forgot about the poop and my mom there was another time it happened twice Andrew's face is like the second time I did it my mother was like she's like who left

in the tub and we were all like I don't know who showered but I was like I haven't even bathed yet still have my shower cap on doodoo doodoo in the tub oh my god that's disgusting

that time I was like 10 so double digits okay but I've never pooped in the tub while I was having sex let's slide this foolishness to the side no doodoo everybody in here has pooped in the tub that's Andrew don't do that you've never doodooed in the tub in the tub

I think that in the tub In the tub We make love In the tub In the tub I Andrew

Most embarrassing thing That's ever happened to you In the shower Share it with us I've already You've already I was with someone You were with somebody

It was post-orgasm for me Post-orgasm But he still had not finished Yeah and he was like I want you to lay down In the tub And I want to come on you Laying down

I was like this is It just feels you felt like a porn star I was like this is uncomfortable oh Andrew you be having like that like

like missionary sex in the shower oh no I just mean like what you talking about like oh no yeah

I hate no that was that was also just not it was it wasn't comfortable I hated it no yeah so he came

on your face uh no he came and he tried to so he came in my face and then he was mad at me afterwards because you were like

ew I was like oh god yeah I thought don't put that don't put your dick by my face you put your dick by my face, I am going to bite it off.

Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi. Lorena Bobbitt it. And then I'm going to try to push it through the holes of the drain. Your mom's going to find it and be like, what is this? My mom's going to find it and be like, what is this? And I'm going to be like, girl, I don't even know. I don't even, you know, I don't live here, so I'm just sliding

through, me and this dickless bleeding man. Oh my god. I'm going to throw up. We've gotten really disgusting on this show. What? we never get this open bust it open say something gross or say something to completely

change the direction of the podcast otherwise hush you know I just couldn't imagine myself back to my old ways I couldn't imagine penis in my mouth I could imagine drinking

again but it wouldn't be fun you can't imagine drinking again yes it wouldn't be fun no because we've been through that already yeah but like i met you at the end of that i feel like and we didn't really drink together we did go to um this is embarrassing probably the most embarrassed this is more embarrassing than pooping in the toilet i mean in the tub we went to um bbqs sydney and i bbqs yes we did bbqs and uh got henny wings right yeah and we got those giant i feel like that's a lot of things yeah dallas bbqs what did i say yeah bbqs we knew i knew you yeah but you know because it's hood and it's it's touristy and

stuff but you know the wings were cute remember that guy that i met that i went on a date with and i bought you and i had my bike and everything had her bike i was like we want wings and he took us to dallas bbqs and we got wings and then it started raining and sydney took her bike home remember and they give me extra wings and everything yeah it was a good time i like that dude i mean i wonder how he's doing you should hit him up he's in he lives in california hit him up just be like hey wondering if uh you know you got an apartment opening up no he whenever he's in new york he stays at in an airbnb in the city because he'd be here for work and i think the last time he was here he was like trying to see if i would come over to the airbnb and i was like nah but now that

you have this newfound ho-ism ho-ism you can the ho-centennial you just drop drop it low I could I could I guess yeah we'll see I don't know I just I feel like I lost my mojo

man I remember back in the day man I just I didn't care I didn't think about any of it I was just like yo I'm doing this shit okay and now I'm always thinking I'm thinking too much okay so what do you want to do let's talk about it and then we'll motivate you

to go do it well we talked we talked about Sydney wants to go skydiving I said absolutely not I said I'm not gonna do it but Molly Austin said

she'd be down to jump out of a plane with you but Molly is also a white lady what you think about Andrew skydiving well why why you hate that

I feel like I would just I would actually die on my way down you'd have a heart attack yeah or you'd faint something but you might not

do you how do you feel about roller coasters I like roller coasters I hate roller coasters. And you want to jump out of a plane. You hate roller coasters, but you want to jump out. But then we just drop, we leave, and that's it.

All I got to do, I just got to take it. Yeah, but do you know how long you're falling for? It's longer than a roller coaster ride. I would want to do it just for the view. I feel like that would be crazy. For the view? Baby, take a plane. No, no, no, no.

That would be so pretty, though, I'm sure. While the wind is just hitting your face and you're like. Yeah. i would love to die in the air you know no no you just get down we get down to the ground and the guy's like all right sydney you did great he wouldn't he wouldn't say sydney though he'd be like cindy cindy cindy cindy and then i gotta tell my mom how you died and my mother would be like oh Zuru

Zuru why did she do that like insane person why are we friends that's wild Zuru so that's what you want to do you want to go skydiving well I just feel like I'm so anxious I'm always on edge

and I just want to just do some crazy stuff so that I can get out of this like being on a plane is a nightmare I have I'm always on edge everything gets so i just want to jump out being on the plane is so if i jump out and get out then i'm like i've done it what in there what if what if i take an edible and jump out of a plane i don't want to no i don't want you i don't want to do it at all honestly because i feel like i i don't know how

often or what how rare it is that people die doing that but i feel like i'd be one of these like rare ass deaths like they'd be like well her chute didn't open but the instructor that was on her back he when he pulled the cord his thing came out and then they separated and this little wet smart spot right here is where Marie was I don't want to do that I don't need that that's not how I want to die and I can't do any like acrobatic shit because I have motion sickness what because I was like oh I'll do that aerial stuff or yeah yeah let's let's take a Cirque du Soleil class yeah you know how like you'll be in the sky and you're like oh you know what you do you should do the um the like silk rope thing yeah do that it seems like you have to have strength you gotta

have a probably a good core good gymnasts are good things i don't have amina has a great core yeah yeah you should do that though she's good okay so maybe maybe um the trapeze thing that carrie bradshaw did in that one episode i i think that might be bad for me because i have motion sickness how do you have motion sickness like i can't be on swings if i go like a swing like up and down i get sick what i get lightheaded what a terrible childhood you must have had um it happened to me after i turned 14 or 15 i was on the park i thought you're gonna say after i turned 40 i was about to scream imagine that's when i found out that you was 40 right this is just not funny you said it happened to me after I turned four and I was like 40 wow

you're right it's not funny friend because you're too young for these jokes but wow I thought you were gonna say 40 what are you gonna do when I turn 40 have probably gonna make me buy some damn balloons for you um no oh you're not gonna make me turn by balloons oh the listeners don't So it was Amina's birthday. X amount of weeks ago. There was a big fiasco about getting her balloons for her birthday. Because I had already got her cupcakes with her face on it. Yes.

And I spent a stupid amount of money on these stupid amount. On these doodoo cupcakes. These doodoo. Doodoo. It was so doodoo. Trash. Merch. Doodoo.

And so I spent all this money on the cupcakes. Didn't even ask Marie, hey, you want to split this? Nothing. And I was just like, I'm going to take it to the face because this is this was my call. And thank you for standing in your own decision, because if you had ran that by me, I'd be like, that's way too much money. It's too much. And it was. Well, how much would you have spent for cupcakes? Anytime I buy cupcakes for my friends at the knitting factory, I spend max twenty six dollars.

A cupcake is like three dollars to three seventy five. That's how much a single cupcake, like $2.50 if you walk out the way. Between $2 and $4 is how much one cupcake is. So then I got Amina these balloons, too, because she wanted balloons. And I'm telling Adrienne, hey, I'm going to get these balloons. And she's like, absolutely not. You already spent money on these cupcakes. She's not getting anything else.

And then I called Marie up, and I was like, Marie. Adrienne was like, we're not getting these balloons. She was like, they're bad for the earth, and it's too expensive to go get them and bring them back. and I was like well I don't care about balloons so neither I don't think Amina will care either

Marie is terrible we can't call Marie and ask her to be the voice of reason because she just she too lax she don't care but I'm

lax about certain things but like cause I don't know when this happened but there's somewhere in the last

five years anytime a woman celebrating her birthday she has to have balloons that spell her name out or the the numbers with the year

that she's turning And it's like, like, what was that for? Like, this is just so I can post on social media that people care about me and they got me balloons. And now I turned 48. Like, I have a four and an eight, an eight and a four. And it's like, well, what is that? Is that the year you were born? Is that how old you are?

Is that how much you weigh? Like, what do these numbers mean? And it's there. The balloons are like 10 or 12 dollars each expensive balloon. It's dumb. It's dumb. so i said when my birthday rolls around i'm not gonna give a damn about the balloons i don't care then i get a call from amina literally five minutes later can you believe they don't want

to buy these balloons for me and i was like oh i i thought you didn't care but she did care so and i said that she would care and everybody's like there's no way yeah but there but but you i feel like you played it wrong by asking like i feel like don't ask permission ask forgiveness you could have just showed up to the knitting factory with no balloons. Merch, merch don't ask for permission ask for forgiveness. Right, right, right, right That's merch right there. That's not a me

line though I think Langston Hughes said that during the renaissance. Anyway so I just I feel like I would have just not called her and I wouldn't have called me and I wouldn't have said anything to Adrienne I just would not have bought the balloons and then when we got to the show on Sunday

and she was like oh what happened I'd be like ah sis we got them they blew away or something i really you could have said anything you wanted at that point um but sydney's a thoughtful friend and amina you know she's one of these people who celebrates her birthday for a whole week because essentially that's what we did for her um but when my birthday rolls around don't get me balloons friend literally get get me weed get me uh get me edibles get me good cupcakes um you know pay for my dinner at the diner like don't i don't need balloon like that's a lot because they're just gonna take up space in my apartment and then slowly deflate and come lower and lower to the ground marie plays her

birthday perfectly because she's like i'm gonna throw myself a party right right right y'all just show up bring some liquor like it's themed figure it out right but like after a certain age you do have to plan your own birthday because nobody has the same enthusiasm as somebody who's like 23 24 that's like okay we're gonna go to dinner then we're gonna go this we're gonna get this card everybody give money we're gonna get a gift like after a certain age everybody's like okay you're live cool like uh birthdays are weird for me um i also don't like planning things for groups of people um because i'm like well if people aren't having a good time then that makes me also not have a good time right and i'm like sis all i'm trying to do is do this molly on my birthday and

and like live my best life yeah so like pacing back and forth and making sure everybody's okay is not what i want to do on my birthday um you're an adult after your 20 something birthday like you should be planning your own crap and if you don't want to do anything extravagant that's cool some people their birthdays come and they go and they don't really make a big deal out of them but like for me recently it's just like because my birthdays have always been sad for me as an adult so now it's just like well let's just you know do drugs and have a good time and look sexy and take photos and make people who didn't get invited feel bad like that's what my birthday is to me now it's Just you should be here and you're not because I don't like you or because the house is too small or whatever.

But this year I'm celebrating my birthday next door to my ex-boyfriend's house. It's a psycho. I mean, I have a bad experience with birthdays now because I was spoiled being a bottle waitress. because everybody's like a cheerleader and a rally and like, oh, okay, we got this, this, this, this, this planned. And so, and everybody was making stupid money. Oh, we don't care how much the dinner is.

We don't care how much this gets. We just gonna go out. So y'all was being real fancy. We're gonna start at Tao and then we're gonna go to this place. Yeah, but also we got hookups though. We have a lot of dinners that we didn't have to pay for.

Which is beautiful. And then we would go to the club and we getting bottles for free. So, like, one birthday, my birthday was on Super Bowl Sunday, nightmare. But we literally, we had somebody from Moet Chandon took us to brunch. Yes. We had bottles, bottles, bottles, bottles. Moet Chandon.

I had, like, 40 people there. What? Like, we were getting food, drinks, everything free. Then the next day on actual Super Bowl. So no one paid for anything or the Moet person paid for everything? It was on a card. Love it. List it. Great. They got everything.

Like, we got huge bottles of champagne. It was crazy. LVMH money. Got it. It was wonderful. And then the next day, we went to one Super Bowl party. We got food. Free.

Then we went to another party after that. Free. And I was like, okay. We got one more party to go to it. Everybody was like, okay. And I think that's the last birthday that everybody was like, okay, bitch. This was your last birthday. How old were you?

Like 26, 25? Yeah. So that sounds like one of them years. But that's good. A lot of people will never get to say that they got to experience that. That's some rock star behavior right there. But I also was thoughtful because I was like, well, I don't want my friends to pay for anything. So I'm going to get these hookups and I'm going to utilize.

Okay, well, sis, let's get these hookups so we can utilize them for my birthday this year. I don't want to pay for anything. Where's our Moet Chandon friend now? Where he work? He got fired. No, he's still there. He died? No, he didn't die.

He's still there, sis. I just don't drink and I haven't gone out in fucking years well we're going out tonight we're going we're hitting up a little BBQ not Dallas BBQ but we're going to an actual cookout where we'll eat a little bit we'll take some photos

I got a new fanny pack it's red and it looks leather but it's from Rainbow and it was $7 and then we're gonna go see some drag and then Sydney's gonna do comedy I might ask to go first so I can go first and just meet y'all back

or i'll ask to go last and then not show up yeah do that be like you're i gotta be there late i don't know man the summer is here and i'm just like do i love comedy i do i do love it but i'm also like we gotta be out experience some shit well that's the thing with comedy and i think this is something that people like a lot of comics get wrong is every day of your life can't be comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy comedy you have to experience things and be with people who are not comedians to reset and like recalibrate the way that you think and the way you see the world because otherwise what is your comedy about if you all you do is do shows every night of the week everyone that you talk to is a comedian like you boring at this point and drag me bitch regular

people who are watching you are like is this a human being or a cartoon character like drag me I'm saying this because I'm doing less comedy now, you know, because when I got that show, I was like, I'm retired. And then the show got canceled and I was like, I guess I could do some comedy, but I don't want to do stand up forever. That's not my goal. You know, I saw Wanda Sykes special and it's just like, you know, she's a G. She can do whatever she wants. She can say whatever she wants. And like people are going to be on board.

She's also hilarious. She's like she's an icon. She does comedy the right way. And I love stand-up that much that I would like to be there. I would like to be in that level. But I'm also like, yeah, you got to do things. You got to have money. You got to be around people.

You got to experience stuff. I feel like Wanda Sykes has been doing stand-up for probably like 25, 30 years. And she was there with like the Chris Rocks and all these people when the boom of comedy started or whatever. Right. And she's somebody that like got overlooked a lot because she's a black woman and she's a lesbian and she don't have hair down to her knees or whatever. And it's like, you know, but Chris Rock and all these other people were coming to bat for her and saying that she was a good person, a good comic. And she wasn't getting the same opportunities as, you know, you know. What are we going to say?

Who are you talking about? I'm going to say like a Jerry Seinfeld. Right. He's still working. And it's like, who are you working for? but it's people that are out here and they love a live jerry seinfeld pop in but that's just where i want to be i want to be where people are so obsessed that it doesn't matter what year it doesn't matter if i haven't worked in a decade and i'm like i'm coming back a decade everybody's

like oh you mean like how chris tucker did that special was not that good friend you want to take a 10 year break and come back? I don't know. I just want that kind of pandemonium, you know? I mean,

you kind of have that. You know, I've seen you out when the unofficial expert niggas come out. They'd be like, I love you guys! Guys,

you know we're at the knitting factory every Sunday at 9 p.m. And I see Yoda. And people have been showing up. They've been showing up.

I forgot their names. So many people. Caesar. Caesar, yeah. And then it was like two dudes and there was a black woman that was there

that comes and she was like, I love you guys. She was smoking a cigarette though. And I was like, sis, you're getting cancer in my face. I was like,

I'm going inside. Um, but I love that you guys come to see us and you guys tell us that you listen. And then you freak out a little bit when, when I'm nice to you because I'm a nice person. Always. I'm very nice. Always.

Anyway, here we are. I feel like I got to go home and shower and get ready for these, uh, these barbecues that I'm not bringing any, uh, anything to. it's fine I feel like this is the type of barbecue

that you don't need to bring anything well I'm bringing like three of my friends yeah I'm not bringing any food or bottles but I'm bringing three plus ones so I feel excited about and it's a it's a black hair salon right it's a black yeah the place I get my hair done is having

a party tonight and and we're bringing a beige friend I mean we are bringing a beige friend this is true I honestly didn't think she was gonna come and she's sending us looks and telling us what she wants to wear why would you not think that she would come

because Molly is an exceptional white woman okay we went to IHOP near my house in Brooklyn and she was like the booth is a little dirty let's wait for another table I was like this is IHOP

this is IHOP what I can't believe she said that oh my god girl it was a whole did you laugh I would have laughed. I entertained her for a minute and then I was like, sis, you got to sit down

because I want to order. Like, I'm not, they're not going to, it took them forever to seat us. I'm not going to wait for a quote unquote clean table. Right, they be, oh my God, that,

I hop, there's always like a line and shit. Sis. She was like, it's a little dirty. Girl, it's about to close. Come on, get this waffle so we can leave. Get your Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity so we can go.

Isn't that Denny's? I don't know. That's Denny's. I feel like it's, I love a Denny's. Get your Rooty Tooty so we can go. Denny's is great on the West Coast, man. Fuck.

There's Denny's in like D.C. too. That's the first time I ever had Denny's was in Washington, D.C. My brand is diner. Like, that's where I want my funeral to take place. Listen, my brand is Waffle House because that, I feel like the food tastes better and it's even cheaper. But I've never been to a Waffle House. Really? I've never gone there.

Let's plan a trip to Atlanta. We're going to go to Chateau Charest. We're going to drive by Charest's house. are we doing that with the patreon money sure sure sure this patreon money is gonna stretch yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll go you've never been to a waffle house i've never been i went to atlanta and we got all of this food and it was like six of us and the check came and i i'm i'm telling you it was like 24 and i was like they put everybody's every i was like quick quick quick let's go before they realize but everything is just really cheap and you're full and they

put spices in it and stuff it's oh they probably got lemon pepper wings there too we went to hooters every day i was in atlanta for like a week we went to hooters every day it was like down the hill from our hotel and it was like well we're back hey hey pretty girl get the lemon pepper today that is that is the goal just like people know you when you come into the spot because when they know you then they hook you up if you're regular yeah you get you get love you get love and you show love you get love i'm sorry and that is what sometimes i'll be missing like sometimes you just go into a show or you go into a room or a building you just you want to feel like damn you want to feel like norm yeah cindy you're just trying to

get your norm from cheers on you want people to recognize you and scream your name when you walk into a venue wow norm is that weird andrew to feel that way after a decade of not going there i couldn't imagine going back to my old job niggas wouldn't be like they would the doorman wouldn't even know me i'll be in the neighborhood and i'm like i should pop into sydney's job and see who who in there to get me a sandwich yeah but i don't i wasn't nice to any of those other girls so and then that one dude was trash anyway so you know it's like i haven't been to sydney's job and when you when you quit i also quit you did you quit i quit we quit but they know you because people will be in my demon oh marie i saw marie on the show i saw it i'm like

just say hi to her they don't say hi to me you're scary good yeah i saw jess this girl named jess she was like i'm haitian so i understand you know marie's tone hi jessica she's like i i understand her tone i'm haitian i get it but you know she'd be putting you do she'd be putting you do to ring her i'm like i don't know okay well sydney is there anything that you want to get off your chest that you feel like i interrupted you while you're trying to say or you feel like you know what marie pooping in the shower is gross if you want to say something to me now is the time the floor is yours i'm gonna i'm gonna move my microphone away from my mouth i don't know there's nothing today wow there's nothing like today's good okay well what

happened yesterday or the day before yesterday tomorrow the day before that was great we went on the bridge oh yeah we walked across the williamsburg bridge hung out you were nice to me you didn't want me to lay on your lap no sydney sleeps everywhere and she puts her heavy head on my lap and I'm like girl I thought you was gonna take these braids out anyway so you're not putting I asked Marie hey can I come over and take my braids out I said no absolutely not why because you're gonna leave hair all over my house and you probably have very dry scalp and you're gonna leave like scalp things and you're not gonna sweep and you're just gonna be like bye throw that bag of hair away whenever you get the chance I don't need that also I feel like it's gonna take you

way too long and took your hair out well that's why i wanted you to help me i took my braids out by myself i watched a show i put a documentary on i was watching pixar movies but whatever she called pixar i watched a documentary about a man with a house that liked balloons and then uh you know i don't know i uh i think you know you you wake up early you take your braids out it takes you like an hour or two and then you you get them done again it's fine everything's been great with marie we've been we've been managing things have been going great yes yes yes we've been managing whatever i'm here i'm present she's present i'm present i'm here ever since she's gotten that unemployment title she's been a better friend honestly she's been a way better friend

What do you think, Andrew? Andrew said I've been nicer since the show ended. It's true. But we talked about this last week or however many weeks ago. I'm in a better place. We're happy for you. We're happy for us, actually. Happy for us.

For us. Us. That's how my dad says us. Us. Doo-doo! Okay, this has been a fantastic episode. You know, you guys keep doing what you're doing. Tell us what you're working on.

Yeah. Have you ever jumped out of a plane? Let's talk about it. Are you getting your ass waxed this summer? what's good i feel like we need to start i i feel like we need to start like an email address where y'all can send us stuff that we can like read on the podcast after answer on the podcast several years of the podcast yeah i guess we'll read some emails yeah but i just because like the people who listen to the podcast are so open and unembarrassed and not ashamed like the stuff that y'all be

sliding in the dms i'd be cracking up it's great i really like it i love the engagement behind closed doors, you know, keep that energy and take it outdoors. You know, let everybody know how you feel about the podcast.

Yeah, why are you whispering about how good it is? Shout it from the rooftops. You know, and I looked at the reviews on iTunes. We could do it better.

You know? Someone said, this is one of those entertainment mediums that you can play anytime. I love listening to the backlog and re-listening like my favorite shows.

I swear these two are so funny and the funniest aspect of both of them is their honesty whether it's toward each other or to their guests shady the podcast is quality like I'm working my budget to

include their patreon in to my monthly funds I love y'all and wish nothing but blessings on either of you heart emoji heart emoji yeah if we could get like you know 19,000 of those yeah anyway

yeah if we could get that but nine yeah like what you said 9,000 more yeah we'll be doing great we're in a good place guys we got some live shows coming up we don't have no dates

for y'all but it's coming we are coming to Toronto yes we are we're coming to Toronto we're coming to the T we're coming to the we're coming to the 6

yep rolling down the 6 with my woes rate, comment, subscribe come see us in real life slide in Sydney's DMs and offer her

little words of encouragement slide in my DMs and just I don't know what I want you guys to do show her pictures of you doodoo take a doodoo

in a tub and then send me the photo doodoo hashtag doodoo doodoo anyway thank you

and then slide in Andrew's DMs and send him what do we want from Andrew what do y'all what just Andrew what you want

in your DMs dick pics send Andrew dick pics he's like some of you guys are psycho some of the messages you guys been thirst

he was like some of them are crazy and we're like what I mean it was ugly But yes, send Andrew your dick pics And then you know he's going to show them to us And we'll talk about them on the podcast

I want to see your dick, thank you I want to see your dick Bye guys Forever Dog This has been a Forever Dog production Executive produced by Brett Boehm Joe Cilio and Alex Ramsey

For more original podcasts Please visit ForeverDogPodcasts.com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team and liking our page on Facebook.