MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Call Me Regular

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

Sydnee is back from LA! And in this week's solo episode, Sydnee and Marie are discussing being twin souls, secret listeners, thinking you're dying, working through jokes, and so much more! Plus, they respond to listener questions and give their own advice on how to cope with breakup. Enjoy!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcast----FOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog okay talking talking talking talking to me talking talking talking talking to me swacking at me talking to me swacking at me talking to me is that our news new podcast talking talking talking talking to me that would be a great podcast no they would not allow it i think there would be like music copyright love is it we should do it yeah what team she got behind her sony don't care her husband who's her husband and she cares okay but we're bringing um awareness to amory and her music that came out in the early 2000s Remember she fought for that song that J-Lo was going to. What song?

The song. Oh, it's this one thing that got me tripping. Yep, that was going to be J-Lo. Honestly? Don't you do that. We not doing that. I mean, A. Marie's not known for being an A-plus vocalist. So?

And J-Lo can't sing. So really the song would have probably sounded the same is what I'm saying. Shut up. I'm glad that Anne-Marie fought for that song. That song was number one. It was everywhere. It was in soundtracks and whatnot. People loved the song.

Yes, yes, yes. Black people movies and black people radio stations. J-Lo would have been mainstream. Hello, welcome to The Unofficial Expert with Marie Problematic-Faustin. And Sidney Deluded Washington. Talk it, talk it, talk it, talking to me. Hey.

I am at Sidney's house covered in cat hair. Stop it. Yes. Stop it. Facts. Don't do that. This is my AirPod case. Just FYI.

Is it? I'm going to put it in my sock. Okay, great. I have mine over here too. Don't say that. Some people are listening who don't like cat hair. But they believe. But they understand.

Stop, Marie. You got two cats, sis. How bad is it? It's pretty bad. I see the white hairs. I mean, sis, are you trying to say that these is your white hairs? No. listen the only way for there to be no cat hair is i just ordered a new vacuum so i'm going to

be vacuuming every day okay every day it's a new vacuum the one i have now is was thirty dollars okay and it actually vacuums like it's thirty dollars so i can't be mad right so it's not giving dyson anything no right no and then i'm gonna get the rolling sticky thing the lint brush um get get that too the lint roller yeah i'm gonna do one of those you're gonna do the blankets and the pillows or you're gonna do the plant like what you're gonna lint roll i'm gonna do everything the cats everything is gonna be lint roll if you're not gonna lint roll the cats then did i take my meds i think i did that feels like something you should know i should know i should know that but you know sometimes i put it down and i'll have a glass of water near it and then

because of my ADD I'm all over the place right but is there water in the glass or no yeah it is that's your glass that says Hamade on it well the thing about Carolina's wayward home for you know battered wives

everything her stuff is my stuff right because Hamade is Carolina's husband but his mug is at your house is he here right now there's a stranger in my house girl imagine i was having an affair with homiday a straight affair with homiday we would have to type that up real quick that's a great short film wow horror horror why that's

not a horror for you right okay okay or did you think i was calling you a whore oh i either way whore whore whore whore whore whore that's a good that's okay write that down see okay if you guys can't tell andrew is not here today we're not on the zoom we're not on the zoom today so we have to keep track of um our freaking titles today marie are you gonna do that yeah i'm throwing it in the notes okay thank you okay stranger in my house that's a good one too well i don't know talking to me talking talking talking talking to me no the first thing this the first thing we say can't be the episode why not because people listen specifically for us to figure out what it is fine fine but write it down talking talking talking talking to me you got to do talking four times

we're dragging this okay so marie we have not seen each other it feels like for two months a month a month honestly i was like sydney's not coming back that's a lie i don't say that's a lie i said sydney's not coming back you're saying that's a lie that i said that yeah well sis how many times did you extend your trip i will tell you this after 12 days of la you need to go back home i don't care if it's like unless you're booked the whole time you cannot have idle time in la it's just not smart it's detrimental to your well-being if you go to dinner or meet up with people eventually no up top we're talking about scripts things that they booked and i'm just here like well i i love

my girlfriend yeah and i love being with her yeah and they're like okay so anyway because i was in that um sony that that meeting with sony you know i'm saying yeah he was trying to give us a bad deal yeah yeah yeah so my manager says you guys gotta come better than that yes yes guys guys yes guys so i says so my manager said yeah my agent was actually at that meeting with lucy liu yeah so then drew barry and it's like yeah i don't want to talk about this tell him tell him That's a good title. My agent was at lunch with Lucy Liu. That's too long, Sidney.

I'm not writing that down. Come on. It's too long on the thing. Okay, fine. All right. You're right. So I was like, after I was like, I had a panic attack. I was like, I have to get fucking home.

I have to get home. You said 12 days after being in LA, you had a panic attack? Yes. But then you were there for another 39 days? Yeah. Yeah. Were you waiting for the JetBlue ticket prices to come down? Bitch.

something is wrong with me yes something is fucking wrong with me i don't know anybody who's listening can you please let me know what fucking disease i have i will wait to a fucking ticket is a thousand dollars then i'll book it right and no matter what no matter what said you should book it now it's 250 and she'll be like i'm gonna book it marie is the price checker okay She updates me like no other. I'm like, babe, it's at $300 today. Yeah. And then Sydney's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then she'll be off her job for a week and it's $1,000. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not off my job. I bought my ticket already. I'm no longer checking the prices. Right. Okay. So when I buy mine, the price checker, I'm clocked out, babe.

I'm no longer on the clock. Okay. She's clocked out, babe. That's the title. Thank you. What? She's clocked out, babe. Clock out for me, sweetie.

I'm just gonna put clacked out I don't like she's clacked out babe but okay I guess I'll put it down so anyway I was in LA

Marie did you miss me honestly Sydney no she the bitch moved on and I was like what the fuck I was like

is she gonna remove my title what's the title babe best friend well well moved to LA I was like

this is what it's gonna be when Sydney moves to LA for real and I was like I kicked a can down the street by myself and I was like all by myself

every day every day and I was like wow Marie can I tell you guys what she said to me recently I fucking FaceTime her every day

Like normal. Every call. Like normal. How many times? Like normal. No, Sydney. Not like normal. Marie, we've been FaceTiming for fucking years.

Now all of a sudden, Marie hits me with, oh, no. No. No. Let me finish. Let me finish. Sydney, it's not like normal. Yes, we've been FaceTiming for years, but you used to also call me regular. You don't call me regular no more.

Call me regular. That's a great title. Call me regular. Call me regular. You used to call me regular. That is a title, bitch. Write it down right now. Sydney, you stay in the moment.

I am. I am sharing my truth right now. Okay, talk. Talk. Say it. You used to call me regular, and now Sydney will be like across the street from my house, and she'll FaceTime me. Or she'll be, I don't know, on the toilet, butt naked, and she'll FaceTime me. Or whatever she's doing.

And then it's like, sis, every call doesn't have to be a FaceTime call. And she was fake upset about it, or actually really upset about it. But it was like, I'm weaning everybody off of FaceTime. we're outside again you can schedule some time babe to see me in real life I said this on a podcast I said if you are looking

at your phone and seeing that people are not returning your text messages they are declining your FaceTime they not hitting you back in the DM's it's because they are vaccinated and they are out and they don't give a damn they're like they have used you for the time being

of the panorama and they're like it's over we're out There is literally no reason to keep in contact. No, there's no reason why every call needs to be a FaceTime. Look, I just want to be in my house with my conditioner in my hair and my shower cap on and my titties lathered up with soap and know that I don't have to pick up the phone and angle it weird on FaceTime. You can just call me regular. Call me by your FaceTime. Call me.

And I'll pick up. Call me by your FaceTime. If you call me regular, it's more likely you have a 98% chance that I'm going to pick up the phone. But if it's a FaceTime, I'm going to look at it for a really long time before I pick it up or before I ignore it. I've always said this, that the reason why I FaceTime people is because you're less likely to lie. I can look into your eyes and see your soul and know that you're not doing well. Nah, sis. It's true.

Nah, sis. People, I call people, I'm fine. No. No, Sydney. FaceTime, I'm fine. No, you're not. Okay, let's talk about it. that's not what you'll be facetiming me for why first of all you have a rolodex of niggas that

you facetime on a daily basis i need you to stop saying that on on social platforms a rolodex of negroes i need you to stop and when i say negroes i mean white women white men black women black men everybody black cats she she sydney be having meetings with people's new babies she'd be facetiming people's cats those things yes you want to see the baby great you want to see the cats love that for you but so you're saying i have to facetime with a purpose no i'm saying every call doesn't have to be a facetime and also sydney let's be honest sometimes you facetime me and your skin your face be done your eyebrows be drawn on and i'm looking like just an ashy mr potato head and i'd be like i don't i'm not gonna be looking at my face over the the the head of

Sidney's sexy face I'm like I don't have it in me neither does my self esteem to be on FaceTime Ashy Mr. Potato Head is a great title and I need you to write it down I need you to write it down

pour for more you gotta get out of this title the next time you say something I'm just gonna repeat it and shout that's the title I'm gonna start screaming merch when you start sharing your pain with me that's the title is a perfect title just so you know

Marie first of all Marie has perfect teeth so she actually makes me feel self-conscious whenever I get on FaceTime because I'm always her teeth are white not only white but they're straight and she has no

spaces but I still I still take it I put my ego aside and I FaceTime you to check on you you put your ego aside i do thank you sis and speaking of egos my girl is doing so well on instagrams and just social media people are talking you are in the streets everywhere who was talking about me everybody everybody everybody's like marie's so funny marie's so funny oh you're talking about that comedy central clip that they posted not just

everything what where you have to stop you have to stop i do have to stop you have to stop talking like this i girl it's just when i do come it's just when i do stuff with them allegedly allegedly that i don't be happy with it allegedly you have to say allegedly i said allegedly allegedly allegedly allegedly allegedly marie i think you think about that about everything though everything you do and like you're phenomenal everything you do i'm like that's my friend and i'm embarrassed i'm embarrassed to be you know this this just sydney on the side sydney on the side is the name of the episode sydney on the side sydney on that bullshit

wow do we miss being in the studio i think we do i do i mean really really i recorded a couple different people's episode like podcasts in the studio and it just feels good and we gotta get some cameras sis you were in the studio where were you when i did uh uh see the thing is oh yeah yeah they're in the studio and they feed you they give you food before you record i was like oh it was wine in the studio i said oh oh wow i'm gonna have to leave forever dog allegedly you're so mad i gotta get another other job no um but yeah they uh yeah you sit on the couch and there's like a bunch of camera people in the room just like recording a wide shot and then individual shots no i saw it i was like i i was i saw the clips i i listened i was like this was this was

great i think we need to i think we need to get a little crew together a lot of conversation about anything and everything and topics i mean they let you know what the topic is they they're gonna have like a chalkboard of like titles they send you the topics the morning of and i was like oh this is professional we don't have no topics for today we don't because this is us um having a real powwow since i left and you know you can't you can't put us in a box right now there's just unboxed unboxed unboxed box um you know i feel like i want to scale back i'm going to say that on the pod you're going to scale back i have to let this be known i'm scaling back scaling what back i'm scaling back as like as open as i i have to scale back wow yeah i think it's i think it's

time yikes i feel like it's okay to just say anything and everything to show my cooch like i have to stop oh my goodness yes sydney we had to talk to hr about that yeah yeah i i understand and so i just have to i have to reel it in and i have to start with the pot so now the listeners want to know yeah you say scaling back but they feel like you've already kind of scaled back so what does that mean you're gonna be on here talking about i know the fans want to know the fans do want to know i mean i mean they complain they complain they're like sydney what exactly are you bringing and i'm like that's not true i i i have to say something's not true it's not it's not true i i feel like i definitely have a different perspective and anything that you

are talking about i'm gonna say that's wrong so if all you're gonna do is say it's wrong but you're not dragging nobody i am dragging you're not telling us your business i am telling my we are you you just said you're gonna scale back i think what it is is that anybody and everybody can listen to this and whether you whether you know it or not there are some secret listeners there's some people that are listening but that you would Never know. Right. It's like lurking listeners.

Yes, lurking listeners. A lot of people in the comedy community, you know, they're just trying to figure out. Listen, industry's listening. Industry, yeah. They're listening to this podcast right now so they can write their little screenplay. Yeah. You know, I wouldn't put it past someone to have gone back on old episodes of ours, take certain experiences that we've had and turn it into something because we are one of a kind.

Right. We're one of a kind like Mary-Kate and Ashley. And we're the magic school bus. The magic school bus? Is that one of a kind? What are we, a friend? I don't know. I just felt like that went with what we were talking about.

I don't know. Sorry. Strike that from the record. Overruled. Edit. This is a great time to put it in an ad. Go ahead and put the commercial break in there. Wait, so did we ever figure out if you took your meds or not?

I don't know. I don't know. So what happens if you take them twice? I don't think that's good, friend. I'm going to. it's better to just like wait yeah wait till the next day because you don't need to pile it up you definitely don't need to pile it up that's that's they specifically say hey if you don't know if you took your med definitely don't double up just wait till the next day wow friend yeah I

mean uh you sound real at ease about this like you're not even worried about it well I'm definitely on edge my anxiety is to the roof it's to the roof i got home from a gorge i know and i was like i have to come back to new york and be miserable why do you have to be miserable in new york anymore sydney the sun is coming out people are doing things outdoors are you going to be stepping out are you staying in a house we both did shows last week yeah in real life yeah and you know comedy is exciting again because people

are excited to be outside yeah so what are you going to do the net is coming back guys we are going to

we're going to put up the tickets you if you don't buy a ticket please don't text me and be like hey I'm outside

I don't want to hear none of that we don't have it we don't have we don't have room to pick nobody it's above me it's above me

there's a best western across the street it's above me I just it's very limited seating and you know

the tickets are going to go quick boom gone by the time this episode comes out tickets gonna be gone probably sold out it's gonna be like 12 tickets available so if you can't get one of the 12 I would I suggest you

while you're listening go on the website right now and see if the tickets are available don't do a Sydney waiting on a flight to go to $1,000 it's gonna be gone it's great can you believe how much we have a another trip coming up don't say it like that

say casual we don't want scootney to be upset with us so we have another trip coming up when you say another trip coming up it sounds like we're taking a lot of trips but honestly you're taking more trips than me well it's actually a friend of ours that's taking more trips than both of us combined but um yeah we're gonna gotta we gotta get out again right so we're taking a trip you know just a little getaway and um local local yeah i paid so much money for those tickets i'm embarrassed i'm embarrassed too because we're on the same exact flight and my tickets didn't cost that much but realistically sydney you really thought i was gonna just keep giving you the price no every single no no no right that was i don't know i think my mental my mental illness is

well what's my mental my mental my mental illness is that i can't respond to emails and ever i also can't do like basic things like i'll put off something that's gonna take me 10 minutes to do for six weeks same and then when i finally do it i'll be like i think i think we're twin souls marie twin peaks i never saw twin peaks me neither but it just it felt right to say twin peaks yeah that's us that's right uh yeah i mean we i think we've been talking about this for over a year about us not being able to do basic things um it's hard it's really hard like it's just like i don't know are you about to cry no but if i did what would you do i was like wait okay are we do it if i was about to cry that thank you for

shamwaring my tears did i have to cut the cut cut the camera dead ass dead ass dead ass cut the camera dead dead ass um yeah we've been talking about this for over a year but we're on the other side of it now i think yeah i mean we're coming out of this better i will say i know i said that out loud because this is this is what we have to say marie anything that we are thinking we have to say the opposite and then you keep saying that you gotta fake it till you make it oh you have to okay you have to do it marie anything you're thinking you have to say the opposite you have to you're like man i can't do anything i am doing it all boom so you'll be doing that i yes i do be doing it i wish you guys could see this yes i swear to you i was wait i was

talking to somebody who was i saying who was i fucking talking to oh i was saying that uh oh i think I was talking to Larry I was like it's just so much better to do something with someone else because even if you both are feeling like oh fuck I don't want to do this it's lifted off your shoulders now it doesn't feel like work it's just fun you know what I mean and that's how I feel when I'm with you I'm like why don't why don't why aren't we just unstaged together all the time then it doesn't feel like work you're trying to go on the road as a duo you're trying to go on the road as a zoo no like when we when it's time to file our taxes we do it as a duo yo my accountant told me i need to call him today and i was like yeah yeah well because he sent me an email that

had mad questions in it seven days ago and you know shout out to google for letting you like hitting you with a little nudge you received this seven days ago do you want to respond gmail right so i responded to him this morning and he was like can you call me today so he's like you've w2s and 1099s from last year and i was like killing me so i was like i don't know struggling marie i'm supposed to still have that stuff i i want i need i need them to up my meds there's no not taking i am marie i took i you think i did allegedly i did yeah whatever i said exactly i know we know i need more milligrams why i don't know i do well i do know i feel like my anxiety is back like before i wouldn't feel anything like every time i would think that i

would be about to be anxious about something it's like i'm calm i'm chill no worries but now it's in my throat sydney i think everybody's anxiety is going up let me let me tell you how mind manifest talk to me talk to me it takes me if i have to be somewhere let's pull out of time at 12 o'clock 12 30 it takes me so long to get ready to leave my house that by the time i start getting ready i'm already probably late preach right so then i after i'm ready i'm dressed i got whatever on my hat my wig my do-rag and then it takes me forever to actually leave because i'm like i should pee should i change are these the shoes alexa what's the weather alexa what's the weather like i'm looking out the window but also i have this like crippling anxiety that i'm gonna

have on too much clothes or not enough clothes when i go outside like i'm like am i gonna be hot in this you know what my anxiety the jacket is the jacket for me right what kind of jacket for me it's i'm like i'm gonna be i look crazy with this bubble jacket on but it might be 23 degrees all of a sudden right right it's fucked because we're in that that crappy area where it's like it could be warm during the day but then at night it's no cold no it's always bad and and then i was 40 minutes to a show the other night 40 minutes because i just fucking couldn't i was like i hate these pants the pants don't fit oh i like the pant i like the top of the pants but the the bottom of the bands look crazy yeah oh my god it fits under over my ass but my stomach my gut is coming over

the pants right it's i was like what what what size was i before this pandemic the fuck well sydney sometimes you would order pants that were too small stop it you i will i will you on the record you're saying this on the record you never ordered pants that were too small for you the mic away because the lies that you you never ordered pants that were too small for you i have pairs of your pants at my house that you ordered that were too small for you okay that was during the pandemic though we need to stop saying when the pandemic it's still going on guys COVID is still out here and and did you know I don't know if I should say this this is you should probably say it did you know that you could get vaccinated and still get COVID but you won't die you can still

you could still get it but you won't die you can still pass it I thought the vaccine was like it made you like you know when you spray your tims with like waterproof stuff and the water like beads off i thought the vaccine was like that spray no you can get it but it's it doesn't kill you it like you're because you're you're still like immune to it a little bit but you can still pass it on to other people who don't who are not protected that's why everybody needs to get vaccinated so you can still get covid yes do you get the vaccine yes but you but you won't die because your body already has it in the system or whatever. That's what I heard.

That's what I read. Where you read that from? Don't all the way listen to me, but listen to me. Is this a Sydney fact? It might be a Sydney fact. Did you read this in the New York Times? Hashtag Sydney fact. I need somebody to fat check a Sydney fact for me.

Pour, pour, pour. Pour, favor. Yeah. So, yeah, that, yo, Marie, we have the same thing, but probably everybody is doing the same thing. That's what I'm saying. everyone's anxiety levels are higher because we are excited to go back outside more people are vaccinated stuff is opening up stuff is staying open later the subway i think runs till

2 a.m now instead of 11 p.m whatever but like i don't know i don't want to carry a jacket around all day if i don't need it but i also don't want to not have something on and my nipples are hard and i can't properly fold my arm you know what i mean so that but then the jackets are holding against back right but then when we do get outside people feel good to be around people but it also feels weird to be around people well right now it's it's just it's one of those wacky gray areas that i mean some people are gonna wait it out they're like i'm not getting out there until first of all it's hot okay you know what i mean where we don't even have to think about a jacket or clothes right you know you can you crop top panties drop top and you're

crop top panties crop top okay that's a title crop top panties can you write that down i'm not writing crop top panties you drop it down marie jam can you give me my notebook it's just it's actually funny when we just have a list of stuff so that people can see it actually so even if you don't want it to be a title it's something that it just feels like you know kind of a waste is it Sidney's on the bean bag that's what that noise is in the background sorry guys yeah so I feel like

some people are not really gonna go out until maybe June which is fine what did you say that title was crop top panties yeah I think that people are gonna wait but then there's people who they've been ready to go back outside

since i don't even know when but i also am waiting for it to get warm but for me the way that i am start was starting to feel i just i can't not go outside at all for days and days at a time anymore i have to go outside to get some air or take a lap or go to the grocery store and i have to make sure that i see a friend on like a friend a day or a friend every couple of days i just i can't yeah the days are like better for me at the end of the day if i get home and i'm like ah that's on my friend today yeah like you and carolina are my tuesday friends is that so for today oh okay okay all right i was like well because i see all you today and i'm you know

i'm gonna go upstairs and knock on that door i was like is that on the schedule it's on my schedule it's on my it's on my sketch marie i want to hide underneath my bed i'm not even lying i'm so glad you're here but i legit was two seconds away from canceling why why yeah why the fuck we just talked about i was like i have like anxiety about me coming over here no about doing stuff about i i'm like i literally want to hide underneath the bed and turn my phone off well we have two patreon two bonus episodes to record after this so i'll need for you to get um to get centered yeah i will what am i what have i been doing what have you done for me lately talking talking talking talking to me i have been talk i've been talking to you the whole time yeah okay

Okay, so another thing that has been, like, hitting me in the head is health. Health is I need to go get a checkup. Okay. Do you have insurance? I do have insurance. You have insurance? I have insurance. How do you think I'm getting my medication, friend?

I don't know, girl. It's $100 a bottle. Oh. I'm not paying that. Oh. Mm. Oh. Mm.

$100 a bottle. Title. but that's a you thing you know that's not really a thing i know i mean it's okay i i can take that i'm glad that you can babe i can take that if i remember i can take it if i remember what can you i haven't had a checkup in years years years i haven't had a checkup in a while do you remember a couple years ago i woke up with like a crazy pain in my back and what did i think i thought i was dying i was like i can't breathe i'm dying and i went to city md yeah because i did not have insurance and they were like it's gas what and i was like what and they were like

it's gas i guess the gas can travel up inside your body i thought it was i didn't know that yeah um well i i do know that like heartburn is pretty sucky and you just got to take better care of yourself i did a i did a cleanse for three days you know i didn't do it all the way right but i did something and my pee i i was like there's no such thing as a golden shower if your pee is not yellow wait no no if it's coming out your cooch or your peen if it's pee it's a golden shower it is not if it's not yellow if it's pee it's a golden shower babe that's a good title it's a great it's a golden shower it's not it's not so your definition of a golden shower is just yellow pee yes so if someone pees on you during sex or sexually what is that

it's what is that called a rainfall summer rain oh carl thomas we love him and yo sydney you're an idiot r.i.p no carl thomas is alive no i just i need when's the last time you guys uh got your checkup can you can you talk to me tell me the last time you let somebody pee on you or someone asked you to pee on them no that's not an important question it's not an important question when was your last checkup what people are dying left and right black rob died um you know dmx died and people are passing away sure people are not healthy yes people are going through lots of things but also sexually

what are you dealing with babe are people peeing on you i actually have something that i i want to read a listener um thing oh that's right we have listener stuff right but we can't read all of these some of y'all have to wait no but we have it yes but sydney we have a lot so we don't have to save some for other days but i did want to read this one i'ma skip because it's a lot this is from kenny hi kenny okay breakup advice sydney do you think you give good breakup advice i yeah sure oh okay great say the opposite um whoa i am an international human rights lawyer based in nairobi kenya okay when i tell y'all the people who listen to this podcast everywhere don't even live in the united states i love that for y'all yeah okay have been listening to the

podcast for the last couple years your mix of humor realness great guests and finally including andrew in more shows shout out to andrew who's not on this episode yeah um has been a constant part of my weekend routine okay i got into a relationship with someone i came to really care about. And some could say love. Kenny sounds like me. Some could say love. I'm not going to say love, but some could say love. During the pandemic last year, even though I thought I would be okay with this breakup, we were open and he ended our relationship for someone else. I took it really hard. I'm in my late 20s and thought that the fact that I was older would make coping easier. My question is, what's been your experience when it comes to coping with breakups as you've grown

older and what are some of the lessons you've learned? Are breakups easier when you grow older? I'm gay and super focused on my career and was super focused on my career when I was younger so I didn't date a lot. Would really like your advice. Photo is of me post breakup. Okay. Let me see

Okay. Let me see Work daddy! Come on knees and calves. Look at the Megan Thee Stallion knees. Knees and calves Knees and calves. Let's call them knees and calves Knees and calves. Can knees and calves Knees and calves but the phone is on your face baby we really wish you could see your face yeah but i mean he's going

through a breakup so he's like you're gonna get these knees and calves and we love that for you yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so open relationship started dating during the pandemic left them for somebody else i would be upset about that too i don't care how open we are i think that like there's something about somebody like not choosing you you know and choosing somebody else obviously that's gonna hurt right it's gonna hurt but it's better that they be with who they want to be with then like just stay with you just because this is not advice for the other person sydney we are on kenny team kenny okay hashtag team kenny we got to give you advice to kenny not the ex that is gone no no no but I'm saying I'm also talking to Kenny it's I I don't want

nobody who don't want to be kept right so if you are upset that you weren't chose you weren't chose even if that person would have stayed they they're thinking about you know peacing out listen breakups are a part of life okay we've all dealt with breakups some of us more recently than others they happen even if you feel like even if you were mentally preparing for a relationship to end when it ends it's still gonna hurt yeah a little bit you're gonna be angry you're gonna be sad you're gonna be horny you're gonna be like well what the hell they doing that I I'm not doing or whatever but I do think that the older you get the easier it's supposed to get but I don't know maybe some of our other relationships when we were younger were like less real yeah and when

you're older they're more real but also this was a pandemic breakup yeah it's a pan you met this person during the pandemic and then they broke up with you during the pandemic so there's more weight on that stuff right now because you felt like well we got together during a pandemic this is what we have is like maybe a little bit stronger because you met right you met me at a bad time right we both going through a global pandemic and we don't really have anywhere else to go let's partner up oh my god you broke up with me like I feel like a pandemic relationship is less real sometimes is that so yeah well I can't relate I can't fucking relate I think it's less real sometimes because we put extra weight on it

It's almost like if we had other distractions and other things to do right now and we met this person that we were dating, we would be like less into them or it would be less intense. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't think that's the case for all of them. Here's my advice. Think about it as like, wow, I'm free now to like get out there and date and have a good time. you know with the rise of vaccinations and just people trying to be safer but also they want to pop that thing it's like there's a lot of options out there I think there's more options than there were before and I do believe that if you step into this new cycle of dating with confidence

and positivity and knowing what you want you can actually thrive okay positivity and knowing what you want sis i love that for you thank you okay thank you um what are some of the lessons that you've learned through breaking up through a breakup do you have anything that you wanted to share friend i will say i will i will say when you are breaking up like don't drag that shit on Don't drag it on Rip it off like a band-aid Yeah just Get out everything

That you needed to say Yeah And then be done with it Because it's like Oh my god We gotta talk again And then next week We gotta talk again

And it's It's a lot of fucking talking And we texting And it's like Either you gonna block them Or you not Like it's just It's too much back and forth

And it's really confusing And it's just like Say what you want And know what you want Say what you mean And mean what you say Yeah you know what I mean And know that when you

Leave the conversation Whatever that conversation is know that you got everything off your chest that you wanted to get off your chest because you're going to be laying in the bed at night like well what did I say I should have said say it

if you mean it say it and then stick to that now everybody's flippy floppery and fickle or whatever and I get that you're being a human being but really try to stick with this if we broken up then we broken up and have that space

and maybe y'all can get back with each other you know months later but really take that space but also sometimes i'll step back from a relationship and be like oh what was i doing why did i do that and why was i there for so long i think that that's something that like when you reflect on the relationship you'll see it you'll see the moments where you're like well i could have left too but i was bored so i let them stay damn okay okay i'm triggered by them. I was bored. I was bored, so I let them stay. What else

are you doing? It's a pandemic. I was bored, so I let them stay. Exactly. That's a good title. Okay. Okay, so I should read one too. And I haven't. It's like big gay matchmaking in Ireland, sweeties.

Okay. Hi, Sydney, Marie, and Andrew. The pod has provided much needed LOL content in the darkest depths of the pandemic so first of all thank you how about some beautiful listener news me and my sister ellish pronounced ale-ish are big fans of yours and we are obviously working hard to spread the word in ireland at the beginning i love that for us ireland ireland babe we're everywhere we're everywhere at the beginning of the year she was surprised to meet a youngly uh meet a lovely young

lady and belfast who also happened to be a fan of the show get the fuck out of here they hit it off and sometime later she asked her to be her girlfriend oh and it's so many pictures a picture above ellish and her girlfriend lauren on the coast of northern ireland ellish and lauren taking a wee selfie ellish and lauren and i at easter and our wee dogs malcolm and kitty i have shopped our cousin out so oh yeah as she's not wait wait wait i have shopped our cousin out so as not to complicate things thank you we appreciate it because it was a lot of people in the photo uh they are a beautiful couple and truly a testament to the powerful hotness of unofficial expert fan base anyways if you guys could work on some magic and send a man my way

I would really appreciate it I like men with good manners The rest is negotiable But preferably not with airpod dicks Okay Picture above Me at a favorite place Me yesterday at an uni with my best friend

Don't ask, been there, done that Love you girls Love you lots girlies Can I get an unofficial expert To endorse a united Ireland Womp womp kate mclawland age 22 okay oh my god that was a good one that was beautiful okay i i endorse the united air ireland if y'all are all fine and um fun that's crazy that they

both listen to the podcast yeah and now they're together look at this couple you see us oh my god should we post can we post yeah and she's really cute and that is so crazy i am i i almost want to like have a little tear oh my god so beautiful they're so cute together where's belfast i don't know but i'm gonna look it up next year we traveling sis i don't want to hear none of the bullshit we don't have our money together and we are traveling we're taking trips we're taking a trip we're taking a trip so two people who listen to the podcast found each other and found love in a hopeless place they found love in a panorama they found it in a panorama and i'm proud of them i love this i love that the lesbians are

listening i love that the gays are listening i love that it's white people black people people with good jobs people with bad jobs i love this for us i mean we are powerful but we're like we're slept on we're slept on people don't know how beautiful the things that we're doing here and it's fine it's fine do we do we have any straight male listeners in Ireland huh yeah we got to help our girl out she says as long as you don't have an airpod peen she's she's open yeah I need y'all to slide if you are a straight man that lives in Ireland or how or Maybe you're in the UK. Or have miles and have no problem traveling to Ireland.

Right. I need y'all to slide in our motherfucking DMs ASAP. Now, sis, are you open to, Kate, are you open to maybe a Scottish man? I don't know how the Irish and the Scottish people get along, but, you know. I hooked up with a Scottish man once. I had a good time. Upstairs, downstairs. Upstairs, downstairs.

Duplex dick. Duplex dick. Duplex dick. we love a duplex dick yeah good for you friend but i'm saying not i digress it's not this is not about me sydney gosh i'm trying to make sure that kate is open to it because i don't know if irish people and scottish people get along i'm sure they do there's no need like after after everything we've been through you have to really sit back and be like is it worth it to be that mad like are we holding grudges like just let's let's move forward y'all let's do it what

have you done to you know tone down the toxicity tone it down we don't need that it's not we want to go back out and have a fucking good time we've been doing shows and people are just happy that we're fucking breathing on stage it's crazy it's crazy because it's like you actually shouldn't want us to breathe on stage but they they're loving it well some venues they make you perform behind like a plexiglass yeah it's very intense it's like well i could have just called in from home but we people don't want to do the zoom anymore and it's hard for me because i i literally just don't know how to act outside i don't i really don't i'm all over the place i'm trying to get my set together i'm talking on stage but then like talking to the audience going in and

out of my set it's all over the place giving adhd it is that's how we perform now yeah well that's how we perform now i mean that's how i was performing anyway but yeah yeah when my when my comedy central set comes out lord have mercy i don't even know i'm like fuck you're scared of it i don't remember what i said i didn't even record it or anything oh what were you talking about i was talking about um getting arrested at the airport oh i got arrested at the airport and um i did the bit about facebook i do remember you talking about facebook but i don't remember why you were talking about face because the girl on facebook said that she had the best year of her life that's hate speech that's wild yeah the best year of your life the best year of your is she

walmart is she jeff bezos bezos bezos bezos the best year of her life in 2020 in 2020 it was the peak of everything everything was going on like well how many years has this girl been alive is she six think come on friend give me them tags that i should have had on my fucking set oh yeah well we'll see what it sounds like yeah i mean i remember you had the yellow coat on it was a good time yeah people were laughing but i just don't i don't know what i don't know what i was i know the um i know the getting arrested was funny people were laughing at that they were like i can't believe that happened i was like actually if you knew me we love getting arrested

sydney yeah we love it we don't want it to happen again but do we i think we girl the way my life is I want any random shit to happen so I have something to joke about. So you would risk since you would Shawshank Redemption They pulled me over the TSA pulled me over

again again when I was coming back. You had a lotion in there? No, no, no, no. They moved they took my suitcase and then the woman

like scanned it and she was like I wonder why they put separate in your bag. It looks like you don't have anything in there except shoes and i was like that's it that's exactly what's in their shoes she's like so sorry about that i was like better head no yeah better head beach yeah so i'm ready for any i'm ready to fall i'm ready to like get hit by a bicycle no no i don't mind my girlfriend like

low-key cheating on me like what you have something to talk about yeah well actually i couldn't even talk about that so never mind fucking never mind keep it in your pants babe yeah so i'm not ready for any of those things i'm ready for other and exciting things to happen but so that i have stuff to talk about but not not nothing that's gonna cause me physical pain hit by a bike hit by a bus you got hit by a bike before yeah and you got a joke out of it yeah but i have the joke already can i borrow that joke actually say it's mine now girl can you borrow the joke you're gonna say that your wig came on yes and then which is not like far off because it's not secured at all it's not glued down

no i don't have the comb in it nothing it's just on it's just on it on top well my wig is placed gently on my head and then the hat is on top of it to hold it down you want to be on top did you see they were dragging tyra banks on twitter finally fucking finally what they say they were just talking about how bad the show was and how she was very mean to the black girls on the show and how she had the contestants do blackface one yeah yeah and um you know how people are calling she would call nigel a noted fashion photographer but we'd only we never but maybe that was her shade that was that was noted maybe that was her kiki like she kept saying noted noted fashion photographer nigel buck maybe she's laughing like nobody noticed like that that

actually is funny but mean it's tyra um and then they were talking about her tv show that she had for a while remember she had a talk show yeah it was is she was homeless she put on a fat suit i didn't watch the show but i i know that she put on a fat suit once to see if people would treat her differently in in real life and she had naomi campbell on to talk to her and naomi was like i'm not sure why i'm here yo honestly she was like babe i'm not really sure i don't understand i want to watch this episode now this feels great

I mean I just love the the early 2000s because you could just do anything and everything and get away with it that's another thing I'm scared about is just what can I say what can I say I don't need anything to come back

and just bite me in the neck or snatch my wig biting people in the neck bite you in the neck yeah I feel like a lot of the things that we were talking about you know four years ago bp before pandem a lot of the things that we're talking about bp like it's not it's like everything everything is something you say something and it's like wow that's what is that but that's okay marie that's okay because again we are going to be making

memories together we're going to be trying we're going to be doing all the old jokes are homophobic heterophobic racist transphobic fat phobic uh insensitive to homeless people right anti i think you can't call homeless people homeless no more you got to call them anti-house or something anti-house means like they're against having homes that doesn't make any sense i'm just saying everything is something and it's like what i mean if i'm being mean to everybody then am i problematic or am i equal equal opportunity offender marie do you think you're mean i mean remember i had that wheelchair joke that i mean if the comedy central set had included that oh shout out to our listeners in wheelchairs we see you babe um well why don't you why don't you say

the joke on here and let's see what the people say just dissect the joke dissect the joke no okay so it was two different wheelchair jokes yes which one do you want you want the original wheelchair joke or you want the second one the wheelchair joke from Ypres Ho um the second one the Ypres Ho wheelchair situation was remember I was in Amsterdam yeah and I matched with this guy and he was cute and he was like he was like I should probably let you know that I'm in a chair with wheels on it. And I was like what?

That's funny. A chair with wheels on it. That's funny. Anyway he didn't have no wheelchair photos on his Tinder. It looked like he was doing headstands. He was doing a plank in one of the photos. He was doing like no wheelchair.

And so I said I wasn't coming to his house. I said I'm not coming to Bad Back and Beyond. And And, I mean, that's basically what the joke was. But I'm going to bring it back. They said that's punching down, Marie. Well, yeah, it's down. He's in a chair.

Shut up! And I'm standing up. Girl, they're not going to cut this section up and drag us. We're not doing that. No, no, no, no, no. Girl, you said, okay. No, we're not doing that. I'm just, you told me to say it.

I did, but, like, this is us dissecting. How could you make that joke better, Marie? um better how could you make it better i mean how do we feel about somebody who's um obviously in a wheelchair well not obviously because they didn't post exactly not obviously is that like how do we feel about that is that okay like it's fine if i was with you and then it happened while we're together but i don't know you i've never met you i'm just coming over for a penis like I'm not about to come over here and like have a conversation and and break bread with you in and the chair I'm sorry but this dude was so confident and that's the other part of what

happened is he was like he was like um he was like it's gonna be good or it's gonna be great or you're gonna have a fabulous time and I was like I'm not I'm not coming over there dude like I've had bad sex with people who have good backs I'm not wasting my dick tokens here and that was I don't know how to make that joke better, but I did go and have better sex with, I mean, somebody else. They'll say that that's ableist. That's what they'll say. They'll say that it's ableist. Okay.

Well, they're able to say that. And then the funny thing, this is what Marie does, because then it does get tight. The room is like, we're not laughing. She's like, so would you date somebody in a wheelchair? And then nobody raises their hand. so it's like it's easy to be like you're a bad person you're you know you're ableist but then you turn it on them and like would you date somebody in a wheelchair i think it's different i think that's different if i'm in this if i'm in the city that i live in and i match with somebody

and they say that to me and i decide all right well that's cool let's get a drink anyway or whatever whatever it's different there's there's there's potential for it to turn into something else it was never gonna be nothing else with me and this man right it was it could never be anything else i was leaving the next day bags was packed okay well maybe you could add that in the joke like maybe like lead up to you know i'm packing my bags and i'm leaving and then this man who doesn't have any wheelchair photos says he wanted me to like girl i don't know i think that there are people they're gonna listen to this and they're gonna be like oh that's disrespectful i will never listen to this podcast again and no no i don't think i this is honestly us like trying to

be better because we're talking it out it's not like we're making the jokes we're actually this is the joke this could be considered problematic how do we make this better what are you actually trying to say you're not saying you wouldn't date somebody in a wheelchair at that specific moment you said well i'm just coming over to get dick i know i i feel like it's i'm not equipped for that I want you to break my back. That's what I want. Okay. That's where I'm at.

That's the joke, sis. The joke is. I don't know if we're making this better, but this is the stuff that we have to say out loud. Yeah. To realize if something is bad or not. You know? And I'm telling you what they would say because I'm hearing it and I'm like, ah, that was funny to me. But also.

You're a comedian. And also I'm not in a wheelchair. i think we need to get somebody on the podcast who you know might be in a wheelchair or wheelchair expert no there's got to be a different title friend that's not gonna work i don't think somebody's gonna come on and talk about wheelchairs like that is no okay then maybe you don't have to come on and be that but you are gonna talk about the chair sis i mean i i want to i want to know more because i don't have enough friends in in wheelchairs for me to actually have this dialogue you said enough friends in wheelchair yeah how many you got daniel perez she's in a wheelchair

and she was explaining she was we took a cab together and she ordered the cab and she was like listen this is this is what i do like i have to get the one that has the wheelchair accessible or whatever but like she was very equipped like she didn't really need my help because i was like oh you know let me get ready to try to push the chair no no no no no I never like I learned I was just on um on a set and the girl had a wheelchair and it's like there's very protocols to you can't just touch somebody's wheelchair you can't you have to ask like you don't know them like that you know and I don't want to assume her thing is motorized anyway do you really need my help I don't know but she was able to like fold it up and do all this stuff and she's been in a wheelchair for

a long time like you think she hasn't um MacGyvered the situation to she's got to figure it out she's got a method to it yes I mean I think that too there are people who um I mean I guess we used to call them handicapped I don't know what handicapable um and uh you know they don't want you to help them yeah I went or look down on them right but help them specifically because they know how to do what they can do to get it done I went to college with a dude that was blind right he invited me to the movies once and I was like what why but huh but he also didn't like when I helped him do anything like I beg all right we're gonna go this and he'd be like no no don't Don't touch my arm.

Like, I got it. And he would just go flying up the sidewalk with that stick. Just. But, yeah, he didn't like when people offered to help him do anything. Well, because your senses are hiding when one is not available. And, I mean, I think that's the thing with all of us. I think that's all. We all want to feel like we can do something and that we're capable and we don't want to ask for help.

We don't need it. sometimes sometimes we don't want to ask for help but sometimes it feels good to ask for help because the person is either helping you see something from a different perspective or their help they're like taking some of the weight off your back yeah truly I think you should we shouldn't be afraid to ask for help we shouldn't we shouldn't but also like that's why I have to go out of my way and I need to talk to more people who are who are in a wheelchair or people who are trans like we don't know if something is problematic because look at where we're standing you know the only way i can find out is if i ask these questions to people who are not like me right that's true

that's true but then also sometimes you gotta admit there are people who get offended for other groups that they're not a part of and it's like this is not your fight to fight we're not speaking on behalf of them i don't give a fuck right i'm talking to the people who actually it affects boom that's it but then you you know there's jokes that uh you know somebody might make a big deal about and then there's other black people that are like nah i don't i don't see what the problem is i i don't think he's coonin you know what i mean so it's very complex it's very layered it's it's a lot of work to be done and nobody is perfect and i think that's where it's coming from when we call things problematic it's like well help me figure out how to make this better oh it's not

my job and it's like well that's why there's people out here who don't give a fuck and they're just saying anything and everything because it's like well we have to help or guide just in some kind of way how yes but also there are people who just are like f that it doesn't matter if everyone's gonna be offended about what i say i'm still gonna say what i want to say and y'all just have to deal with it i'm not speaking on behalf of those people i know you're not speaking on behalf of those people but i'm saying that those people exist right we're not all tiptoeing around who might be upset yeah i mean i think that stuff is going to get said that sometimes you're like but like as a comedic performer and as somebody who gets on stage and says things that are like

provocative or get people to gasp or whatever like please understand that i'm dragging straight men i'm dragging people with money i'm not punching down during my set i'm punching in all the directions i'm talking about rich white dudes i'm roasting hot white women i'm talking about black girls eyebrows i'm talking about everybody and anything so please don't listen to a piece of what i'm performing at any point that a longer set comes out and say this is what i'm focused on when I dragged everybody that's what I'm saying equal opportunity Marie

equal opportunity Reezy we love that and that's a great great title okay I think we got through it all I think we hit all of the points for today you know we gotta go we gotta deeper dive

in the Patreon and really like get into some more stuff but again it's send us send us emails send us pictures what's the email again the unofficial expertise unofficial expertise at gmail.com yeah email us there we will take it and we will read it out loud and y'all have to let us know if it's okay to repost your pictures i don't know like i don't want to be disrespectful but the the pictures are great and people were sending me

stuff in the dms and i was like wow people are fucking hot everybody is so hot i love you all i'm so blessed to be able to do this podcast for so long with my very best friend um and just we've created a community that's all over i love this for us please stay sexy please stay attractive please keep listening to the podcast and hopefully Kate finds love in the United in Ireland the United Ireland states yeah yeah and rate and

review and comment we need more I saw you know what when I told people to repost us they've been doing it so thank you for listening I love when people take direction but keep doing it because it makes us it's good also if we said something today that was like triggering

for you I mean I guess you could email us oh oh it's carolina um just just you know maybe slide in our dms too so we can have an open discussion right and then we maybe we maybe could put it on the page too got it you know and have that conversation like an open dialogue because i i'm moving forward there's some things that i just don't know and i am willing to learn and have that discussion if you want to have a productive conversation if you just want to fucking drag me and say that i'm a bad person Then keep that to yourself

You don't have to call We don't have time for you You don't have to call It's okay girl Cause I'ma be alright tonight Ooh, that sounded good Sydney, please stop recording Bye

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