MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Cancelledt

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

We're getting all kinds of medical on this week's Unofficial Expert! Marie updates us with her HPV status and Sydnee gets emotional due to her new meds. Plus, Marie reveals what happened on her Tinder date at 2am!----Listen to The Unofficial Expert Ad-Free on Forever Dog Plus:https://foreverdogpodcasts.com/plus----BONUS EPISODES AVAILABLE NOW ON PATREON:www.patreon.com/TheUnofficialExpertBUY UNOFFICIAL EXPERT MERCH:https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-unofficial-expert-podcastFOLLOW THE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT:https://www.instagram.com/UnofficialExpertFOLLOW SYDNEE:https://www.instagram.com/JustSYDbwhttps://twitter.com/justsydnycFOLLOW MARIE:https://www.instagram.com/Reeezyhttps://twitter.com/MsReeezyFOLLOW ANDREW:https://www.instagram.com/mcgui_guyTHE UNOFFICIAL EXPERT IS A FOREVER DOG PODCASThttps://foreverdogpodcasts.com/podcasts/the-unofficial-expertSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

forever dog hey hi hello hello is it me you're looking for i guess lionel richie and his big ass head did you guys see that video do you remember the video yeah there's a blind student in his like art class or something that's making a sculpture of his big ass head but i couldn't get past you know his hair that like drippy ass jerry curl that's what they were doing back in the day I couldn't I was just like there's too much product like I would hate to be near him

because I feel like I would just get a jerry curl just standing next to him contact high but I feel like that was what they were doing with their hair what is that 80s? late 80s? I don't know it was before our time was it 70s? wasn't nobody in the studio alive yeah I know nothing about the 80s

so we talked about I don't know I'm trying to imagine what people's pillows used to look like when a dude with a jerry curl came over. You just sleep on a sponge. That's all it is. You know those spongy type pillows? Oh, like the sharper image?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you sleep on. Yeah. Memory foam. That's what. Exactly. Marie, you finished my sentences and I love it.

That's why we are friends. Friends! How many of us have them? Friends! Marie, so we started it off, you know me being very ratchet I'm taking my braids out. Sydney is taking her braids out. I feel like I'm in Compton

watching someone you know do their hair on the porch. It's very Friday. It is. You look like can I borrow your visa y'all? Did you just call me a crackhead? Crackheads don't take their braids out their braids fall out. Okay. Hello.

And Andrew is looking at the experience like ah this is the black natural history museum right now. Wait so you're is putting it on the floor. This is my home, friend. And you know she's going to leave them right there. I will not.

I will pick it up. I've been raised better than that. I should have had a plastic bag. You definitely should have a plastic bag. I should have had a plastic bag. But, you know, all we have is brown bags here. And, you know, my hair doesn't deserve to be in a brown bag. So what do you do with this now?

You throw it away. Throw it away. That's just, okay. We can't reuse this. This is not real hair, honey. It's synthetic. Synthetic. Cool.

Synthetic. I mean, if she wanted to reuse it, she could. but she's not going to. I mean, you cut them too high. What? How do you reuse this? First of all, this is dirty as fuck. Well, also, though,

how long you leave your braids in for? Like a month, maybe. And a half. And a half. It depends. It depends. What does it depend on, sis? If it looks really fuzzy and messy,

it's just like, I got to take it out. Well, I mean, you have a nice blouse on. You going to the hair salon real cute today. Well, darling, I wore this shirt yesterday. Ooh, walk a shame blow. I can tell by the wrinkles. Oh, drag me. He said, I can tell by the fact that it ain't pressed.

Wow, you dragon fruit. He said, I can't tell what's more raggedy, your shirt or your hair. Oh, my God. It's cute, though. I'm sure when it's pressed. Ooh, like you, you're pressed. Pressed, pressed, pressed, pressed, pressed. You're pressed on the pod.

Shut up. Thank you. See, this is what happens when you give these people a mic. Those people. No, I listen back to the Ashley episode. We're friends. I feel bad for being mean. Yeah, you are mean to me.

What do you think, Marie? I feel like y'all, I don't think that Andrew is mean to you. I think that you'd be mean to Andrew. Marie, what? No, you're, first of all, a mean person, so we don't even want your opinion. And yet me and Andrew did not go back and forth on the Ashley episode or the episode before that or the episode before that. Well, first of all, Andrew is scared of you, so there's that. No, Andrew's not scared of me.

Andrew is in love with me. I'm not scared of Marie I just felt bad for calling you out in front of your desk in front of company it was actually very unprofessional it was not producer like at all well it's casual here

it's forever you asked me to moan in the lab what's wrong with that? the people want to know Sidney you gotta pick a lane he said it's either professional or it's not this is professional unofficial expert Well, I think this is the only podcast that has their producer on the mic.

No. What makes you sing now? I got upgraded. Because Larry is a fan of you from this podcast. Don't do that. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Don't you dare.

There is no thanks. Somebody gives no thanks to us, huh? Huh? You want him to give you some glory? No, no. I'm just saying. Just don't forget. I got you a bagel this morning and you haven't touched it.

Well, I'm going to eat it. You know, guys, I just started Zoloft, so my appetite is weird. Jeez, thanks a lot. So what does that mean? You're not hungry at all or you're always hungry? No, my appetite is weird. Like, I just, I can't eat because I feel nauseous. Well, aren't you supposed to eat before you take the pills, sis?

Yeah, I had something to eat before. What did you have? I had a pancake. A pancake? Yeah. Sydney, that's not eating. A pancake? One, not even a stack?

I had something in my stomach, but I felt nauseous. I'm sick. Don't talk to me like this. Sydney, I'm trying to help you. You're supposed to eat something before you take this medicine. You said you had a pancake. I had one pancake and it was good enough for me to put something in my mouth. No, but if you don't eat enough, you'll be nauseous.

Are you not seeing, like... No, if I eat too much, which I did yesterday, I still felt sick. So it doesn't matter. As long as I have something in my stomach. Sydney, I think you need to check with a professional on this, but I feel like you're doing it wrong. No, they said to eat, which I've been eating, but I also am like, I feel nauseous, so I can't eat everything.

I eat enough. Thank you, Dr. Foster. Okay, Sydney, you're telling me that you got an issue and I'm trying to help you fix it and you're telling me that what I'm saying is not what it is. So you're just going to keep doing what you're doing. So keep doing what you're doing and feeling sick. I'm going to try to eat more, but it's just my appetite's weird. What do you think?

Well, last episode you were talking about that you were eating too much. Yes. at the diner you were eating a lot no she's saying that she's eating less she's eating better

she's eating clean now she only eats six fried chicken wings oh my god that's how many comes in an order bitch it's okay no celery right

none of the celery she don't even look at that she be like what's that green stick that water that watery green stick but yeah so go ahead

but if you feel nauseous then yeah you can't eat when you're nauseous but you also shouldn't take the pills on an empty stomach

because that makes you nauseous. Wanting a whole pancake is not... No one hears a doctor. Look at that come through. Shod. That's the... Shod. Shod.

Shod. That is real shoddy in here. Shoddy. Shoddy with a body. Well, you know, that's just what happened. Well, they said it's going to take you at least two weeks. So, you know, you fight through this for the next two weeks. Who else is on meds that listens to the pod?

Well, I feel like all of y'all, because the way y'all be in the DMs, I'm like, everybody's wild. Everybody's wild and wacky. Everything that we share, someone is like, oh, I, too, have banged a homeless man. Yeah. I, too, have HPV. Ooh, I got my results back from my biopsy. Don't have HPV. Okay, so let's talk about that.

Thank you. How does that make sense? Well, I guess it, because there's no cure for it. It goes away on its own time. So when I initially got tested in July, I must have had it. Right. And then when I got my biopsy in September, it was gone. My God always provides clean box.

Wait, so hold on. But how did they test it before? You get a pap smear. Oh. My pap smear came back abnormal. And they were like, you probably got it. Oh, but that's a probably. That doesn't mean that you had it.

No, but that's what they said to me in the letter. And then when I went in for my biopsy, they were like, no, you got it. And I was like, but the letter didn't say. But they said that before you took the biopsy. Because then they go in after the pap smear that was abnormal. They go in and they like, I told you, they cut a piece of my cervix off. But yeah, yeah, yeah. But they did the biopsy.

And that's how you know for sure. That I don't have it. Sis, that's malpractice. You can sue them for telling you that you had HPV. Sydney, I had it in July. I don't have it in September. No, but they did not know for sure. They just told you that they think that you have HPV.

No, Sydney, my... Now she's a lawyer. Okay, now she's a doctor. That's malpractice, Marie. Okay, Jacoby and Myers. okay selena and barnes god god she says thank you i mean they they didn't know for sure that you had hpv they took a pap smear and it was abnormal that doesn't mean that you have hpv that's malpractice it's stupid it's it's planned parenthood you know i paid out of pocket i ain't

got no insurance so like whatever they told me i was just like this is what it is you know uh i didn't really oh is that slander slander slander on pp shod you're shot you're shotting uh pp pee pee which is honestly the the i i love planned parenthood it's been through so many times with me so many you've been through so many things so many things have gone through and come out i mean and look at it look at us now we can see clearly clearly now the rain is gone the baby's gone when you go to planned parenthood to get like tested for stds they just prick your finger apparently but like when you go to cdmd they need to take like a whole vial No.

Planned Parenthood takes, they take the saliva. They take the saliva and they've taken blood too. And they take cooch swabs. Yeah. So which Planned Parenthood are you into?

You must be going to like a... No, I've never been to a Planned Parenthood. So what the fuck are you talking about? Someone, they said that they suggest going to Planned Parenthood

instead because they just... Because they take less blood. It's just like they just prick your finger and they test you for the same thing. No, honey, I need everything. Take it all.

I don't care. No, no, no. I need my blood in my body. I've never donated blood because I need it. No, I don't donate blood, but I want to make sure, like, maybe the swab thing doesn't work. Just test my blood. Well, I think it depends on what they're testing for.

Yeah. If you, like, test for everything, then they're going to do all the different types of tests, yes? I guess, yeah. Sis, this is why you should never talk to your friends about medical stuff, because we don't fucking know. We are, like, we are WebMD. I mean, prior to this pap smear this year, I had been to the doctor in years. Legit years. Sis.

I mean, so just out here, just HPV'd up. No, but you were never, you didn't have HPV. We should sue. Sydney, I probably have had it for like the last three years. And then all of a sudden it went away. And then I went and got my pap smear. Finally, hold on, hold on. Then I went to get my pap smear in July and it was still there.

And then by the time I showed up in September, it was like, and we're out. Sis, that don't make no sense. that all of a sudden it's one of those things that's like oh my god I've been found out about and now I'm gonna go gotta go

gotta pack this bag oh no they're on to us the cop you'll never get me coppers it went on Travelocity and it was like well gotta take a trip goodbye

it packed a bag in my box yeah I mean it's fine whatever I'm suing for you I feel good what do y'all think nobody thinks I think you should take

another biopsy we'll find out Sydney no I'm not getting they clipped a piece of me a piece of me is gone okay Ashley Simpson

this is why I'm skinnier now a part of my body is gone sis it's so hard to say goodbye of a piece of Marie's cooch yeah it's gone anyway whatever

so a bunch of people shared that they had that so that's interesting but anytime we say something on the podcast somebody's like I too have done this I killed somebody too once

blah blah blah like it's hilarious well can y'all tell me about you know the meds the antidepressants who's on it how do you feel

tell me the ones that like really work because I'm on Zoloft but you know I'm one of the generic guys Starbrand yeah so it's like

it didn't come in a pill bottle it came in a little bag yes it's my Zoloft is actually called Felicia Rashad so it's you know generic

is it Zoloft or Zoloff Zoloft okay so you got Zoloff Zoloft. With two Fs. I'm Zoloft. Zoloft.

Zoloft. O-W-F. Zoloft. Yeah, that has no L. Zoloft. Zoloft. Well, yeah, you'll be fine, friend. I'm happy that you started and you've changed.

You made a lot of changes this week, so I'm proud of you, baby. Yeah, I'm making changes. You know, just beds and relationships and stuff. Things are changing. do you want to elaborate you don't have to if you don't want to obviously you know it's just

this is a crazy time crazy time for me I feel like I can't go into 2020 doing the same stuff that I was doing before so whatever that may be 2020

it's going to be different you about to cry right now I don't know this Stuff has got my emotions all fucked up. So we are fully prepared for some tears. Just us in the studio, we're prepared if they come down. I mean, I'm like low-key always crying on the pod. So even when they don't know if I'm crying, I'm crying.

Until you announce it. Sydney, is that a tear? It's like, bitch, what about the code, the girl code? The girl code is don't cry in the studio during the Unofficial Expert podcast. Is that true? That's the code here. Andrew? Wait, when was the last time you've cried?

Because I feel like you don't cry. No, I cried when I thought I was dying from HPV. At Planned Parenthood. Did you actually? Yes. Yeah, I believe that. Hands down. I was fully, like, eyes welled with tears.

And they were like, go get a juice and some crackers and some lollipops. And I was like, these crackers is expired. That's when I started crying. I was like, well, when did these saltines get delivered? Delivered. Was it 2019? Marie cried with a T. Cried.

You cried too. I cried, you cried, we cried together. Together. Marie, you cried when you have HPV, but meanwhile you were in the fucking group chat like, it's lit! No, I did not say

it was lit. I was devastated in the group chat. And you guys were like, it's fine. Everybody has it. Not me though. And I was like, I gotta go home. Yo, you were the way you put it in there. And I was in the middle of moving out of my apartment. like I just it was I was because I was like I have cervical cancer I have cancer and I don't

have insurance and I don't know how I'm gonna pay for this and this girl that I used to follow on Instagram died of cancer and I watched her post like every day or every week or whatever and I watched her body change and then she was gone and then I went to this thing and they were like well you know after a certain age if you have it uh it might turn into cervical cancer and I was like what and they were like okay we'll go get some juice and i text you guys and you guys were like it's fine it's fine marie if you and i was like if you died i would like fucking die oh my god sydney i can't marie you can't say stuff like that oh my god friend stop crying oh my god zo loft we hate y'all sydney is really crying please wipe your tears with your braids friend

sydney i don't know what i would do i would i would if i devastated would you give a speech at my funeral i don't know i would be those people that like wouldn't be able to get up or talk or anything i wouldn't make it you would be like one of like a somebody go live somebody go live i'll be in another room i can't make it one of those dramatic black moms yeah you would cry harder than my mom cried i would outshine you get i don't know my mother only cries once every 10 years so yeah she cried less than me so yeah yeah she doesn't cry at all she'd be saving her tears yeah wow you've seen your mother cry before ramona yeah um yes but it was just like it was one of

those annoying like why are you fucking crying like you you just want us to feel sorry for you for no reason but my aunt um that's what i forgot to say at uh at my solo show my aunt never cried she would go outside in like the middle of the night and cry outside that's worse yes yes she would not she would not let us see her cry so how do you know she was going outside to do it i would hear like some like weeping weeping and then she would can't she would come in and close the door and i would be like what just happened and then the next day somebody had died like she probably had found out that someone died went outside and then we find out the next morning that you know uncle i don't know sugar do died uncle sugar do may he rest in peace may he rest in peace who

also put real locks on his refrigerator oh that's a real person sugar do i thought we were just making up a name. No, no, no. Uncle Sugar Doo is a real person who lived in Little Rock, Arkansas and had the dustiest refrigerator and swore everybody was stealing his food and put a real lock and chain around his fucking frigidare. Frigidare?

Yo, that is old school. Yeah, girl. I know. I'm reading, or I was reading, Taraji P. Henson's book, Around the Way Girl, and she has a story similar. Like her great uncle or great grandfather or whatever, down south when she was growing up. Was it her?

Yeah, would put a chain on the fridge. The house was so dirty that I was like, what makes you think that we want any of the food that's in here? Well, you know what? Maybe it's not Taraji P. Maybe it's a different book. Okay. It's a book called Rabbit.

Work, Marie. Okay. But I love that you're reading. We stan. You were reading. Well, yes, because I started these books and have not finished. Well, I finished Rabbit. But anyway, whatever.

That's what we're talking about. Uncle Sugar Doo sounds like a proud family spinoff. I would watch Uncle Sugar Doo. Let's write that. And he puts locks on everything. Yeah, yeah. He had roaches as big as cats. No.

And like mosquitoes, biggest birds. Where was this? Mississippi? Little Rock, Arkansas. Well, I feel like the bugs are bigger in the South. Yeah. And my grandmother would make us take a greyhound from New York to Little Rock, and it was the worst experience that I've ever, ever had in my entire life.

She would fry chicken and have brownies, and you would be like, oh, we're about to get on this bus. is about to be popping and then there would be so many like layovers we have to stop in different places to get to Little Rock by the time we eat the chicken it's like oh it's all soggy it hasn't been refrigerated it took us like two days

to get there yeah but when the fried chicken is fresh fresh it's good when it's fresh it's good and then like even if it's like a little bit soggy from being in the Tupperware it's still good if it hasn't been in the fridge I feel like that's a good thing it's not cold and soggy it's just soggy and room temp it was the

worst um so glad that you're alive marie thank you i've been thinking about death a lot recently oh you're sad sis you might need to go to therapy i think i need to go to therapy also yeah i'm gonna i'm also 2020 not gonna start the year like this yeah you're gonna go i've been like i'm very uh like aware of how mortal i am does that make sense morbid mortal like i'm not immortal like I will die one day I could fall down like if I walk down the stairs too fast I could slip and million dollar baby myself I've said this before um or like if there if it's raining and the sidewalk is wet and there's leaves on the ground I'd be like whoo let me slow down I'm walking I'm

walking like an old person I'm afraid that I'm gonna fall and break my hip or something um okay so maybe not die but definitely hurt myself okay but you're that's like fear though yeah but it's something that is getting worse i'm like oh i'm gonna hurt myself if i walk too fast isn't that scary meanwhile you're doing all the things like you took a whole fucking trip by yourself wasn't scared of that i was scared that i was gonna get kidnapped okay well let's talk about let's talk about what happened last night so last night i i was supposed to go on a date with this guy um and i was taking too long to respond to him on tinder so he was like what can we reschedule I made other plans

you took too long to respond which you do which I did which is fine you do that to me thank you so much but I don't have

nothing to do so I'll be like okay yeah I'm still available yeah so you'll be having stuff to do shut up

you'll be in and out of LA and I'll be like well I guess I'm just gonna I'll be like Will Smith in the episode

where his dad didn't come see him why don't you want me that'd be me when you're in LA I'd be like damn

no one wants to hang out with me no why he don't want me man why then I FaceTime

you while I'm in LA and I'd be like I don't want to talk I'm like hey Maria I have no one to hang out with uh miss you wish you were here and I'd be like I didn't know that we had a FaceTime schedule I'm not gonna pick up after you do this story I have another story for you okay I appreciate it I can't wait to hear it so this guy was like okay well I made

other plans but can I have your number can we text that'll be faster and I was like sure I gave him my number and we were talking and I guess he realized that oh she's kind of cool he was like oh my friend just cancelled on me oh he checked your Instagram I didn't give him my Instagram

My last name is not on any of my stuff He probably put in your whole description Comedian Marie Haitian He don't know none of that about me though He doesn't know that I do comedy Cause that's not anywhere on my profile No standing on stage holding microphone pics

No way Anyway, oh that was Shad Shad Cause a lot of comics, they be having these photos on stage And you be like, this is a basement show It's two people watching you perform. I was there. You bombed.

You bombed. You're not even funny. Anyway, so he was like, my friends canceled on me if you still want to meet. And I was like, I didn't really want to meet anymore. But I was like, yeah, I'm getting a haircut at the barbershop. I will message you when I get home. So we're talking and he just kept steering the conversation back to sex related things. And I was like, low key, I was like, should I be offended?

Like via text? Via text. Okay. Yes. Like what? Like he was like, we were having a regular conversation. Okay. And he was like, what's your favorite sexual position?

Nigga! What? And I was like, we, first of all, you're terrible at sexting. That's not how you started up. I was like. You asked, what do you like to eat? And then be like, do you also like anal? What do you like to eat?

Do you like, have you ever eaten pussy or something? Right. Yeah. Right. Like connect it. Connect. Make it smooth. Who are you, sir?

Right. what's your favorite position in sex? So I was texting Carolina at the time and I was like, should I be offended? And she was like, hmm. She was like, answer the question and then ask him another non-sex related question and see what he does.

Work. So I was like, well, what is my favorite position in sex? So I had to think about it. And then I responded. What is it? I'm not going to say that on the podcast. Why? Because Sydney, what is your favorite sex position?

Any position that I don't have to do anything. great love it same but sometimes like to be on top or be on top andrew favorite sexual position uh missionary is always good for me andrew you wait how do um never mind i hate you i don't want to know that was because she's like well what is it a gay mission yeah okay our holes are in the same general area no they're not the hall is not in the same place i've never had anal like missionary yes that has hurt that has hurt and let the church say amen no that when i've had when it's gone

in there missionary is by accident and i was like oh i was like so i answered the question and then i was like how was your friday or what did you do today answered and he let me steer it in a different place um and then he was like well do you still want to get a drink blah blah blah i said no because i was home eating smoking drinking wine i was like eating my little hello fresh you know the chicken fajitas as my mother would say living my best life then this other guy who I had matched with

and exchanged numbers with weeks ago called me and I was in the shower but I was in the shower and then he messaged me and was like hey do you want to meet

and get a drink like downtown Brooklyn I was like oh that's not that far that's around the way from me I said sure sure

left my house at two o'clock in the morning bitch two o'clock in the morning for a drink with this man

you on your you pray Like, oh, Steve's low. Because this is what I'm doing, right? Because we all watch rom-coms. We all watch television shows. We all watch this stuff where these main characters get into these situations where you're like, that don't happen in real life, right?

Like, in real life, I wouldn't. Like, I mean, so me leaving my house at 2 o'clock in the morning was essentially when Sarah Jessica Parker left her house in the Sex and the City movie to go celebrate New Year's with Miranda. You following a white woman on an HBO show? I'm just saying, because it was close. Literally, the Uber was like $4. It was quick.

You couldn't walk. I could have walked, but I wasn't going to. 2 o'clock in the morning? Crazy. Oh, am I crazy? You are. Are you crazy? You crazy.

You crazy. Anyway, I said I'm coming for one drink. I had one drink. Oh, I love when somebody says, I don't normally do this. I'm coming. I didn't say I didn't normally do this. I was like I'll come meet you but I'm coming out for one drink and he was like cool

so I get there he got sunglasses on in the bar says he's on molly he's wearing all black he looked like shaft I was like oh okay well and he was tall he's 6'5 is he cute he was you got a picture

yes let me see I mean I can pull up yeah pull it up I can pull up both profiles for you put it up thank you so but this guy every single time we started a conversation he tied it back to someone he was banging that he met on Tinder

and I was like he's trying to give you hints bitch we were talking and I was like why are you wearing sunglasses he was like oh cause he was like I met this girl on Tinder and we were back at her house and I was hooking up with her and she had a cat and I'm allergic to cats and one of the cats

pink eye one of the cat hairs went behind his eye and he had to get surgery to get it removed or something. I was like, all of those lies

to be like, I was fucking in on his Tinder date. But every time I said something or asked a question, he would be like, oh, so this person

that I'm hooking up with from Tinder. And I was like, what? All y'all niggas is canceled. Canceled. With a T.

With a T. Two T's. There's a silent T in the front and a loud T at the end. Like, you know how many C's you put in thick?

how many teas you put in your canceled canceled anyway so you know that we were I was there

I was out for like maybe an hour and a half we had a drink and then I we went and got pizza and it was fine so it wasn't that bad I was hungry

you didn't get pizza by yourself though yeah yeah let me see yeah let's see the photo okay

well that's what I did last night I went out for some raggedy pizza and a drink with shaft shaft

okay shaft yeah so that you know what did you guys do last night how late did y'all stay up oh i went to bed immediately i i was so out of it um it was insane but marie i'm glad that you went out and you know you were adventurous and nothing happened i mean it was like it was casual two o'clock in the morning is of course he had sunglasses on that doesn't sound off brand for somebody hitting somebody up that late he's like yeah i'm surprised he didn't have a duffel bag he was like so it had a severed head in it yeah no a duffel bag to stay with he was like oh i'm at this bar

he was like let me know when you're ready to leave your house i'll send an uber for you and i was like so you can know where i live not tonight not tonight bitch i would have got an uber around the corner though at two o'clock in the morning yeah i needed i need door-to-door service. Door to door. I would have took that Uber, but I put it at a different address. I put it at my neighbor's address. Which is right next to my house. So if you stalking me and you come

next door, you gonna catch me coming outside. You gonna kill my neighbor. No, you're gonna catch me coming outside my building because you're standing right next door. But you know what? There is kind of like a public place diagonally across from me that I could have. I've been to your place. There's many landmarks you

could have used. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, this dude it was fine let me see i think whenever you do these things like late night you just screenshot it and send us to the group chat so we know you were sleeping i don't care you were knocked out not bad he's not bad you can right not bad he's an artist yeah he sketches he asked if he could sketch me oh you sent in january you sent me this yeah but that's how old that's what i'm saying that's how old why does he want to wait until january he's good as a show okay he's doing a show in January. He's an artist.

Oh, did I tell you about my art date? Did I talk about that? No, you didn't talk about that. I'm just saying yes to things that I wouldn't normally say yes to just because it's like, well, something might happen. That's interesting that I can talk about. Right? So this is the second artist that I went out with in a week.

Most of his pictures are his drawings. I don't think I like that. Why? He's an artist. He's trying to show his work. Yeah. It's his work cited page. It's a promo. No. He looks like that. Yeah. What's the problem? What is that? He's tall and...

He's fine. He kind of looks like that comedian that I had sex with in Newark. Oh, no. But also, you can see... That comedian. That guy, he's a comedian now, but he wasn't a comedian when I met him.

Andrew, you can fully see his dick in these like-raised sweatpants. You didn't see that? Oh, I didn't even see that. Yeah. What is the lighting here? I'm not with it. But you can see the dick, though.

He lives in a hostel. Yeah, he got a roommate. I asked him. Phil's a very hostile man. I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that. And then the other dude that kept asking, like, with the sex stuff, is this this man let's see okay great oh bitch but but but but when we were gonna decide to

meet for a drink he was like can we do something closer to us because i picked something how tall is this guy he looks short he's giving me but you didn't meet up with him no i didn't because he was like because i picked a bar that was close to my house because i was like if i'm running out to meet you and this is trash i can run back home oh my gosh wait that's the first picture that's bold for the first picture well all he wants to do is have sex right but where are we doing this okay because he was like can we do a bar closer to us and i was like to us i said where do you live sydney he lives down by your neck of the woods oh and i live where i live oh he laying down that i'm trying to relocate that relocation dick he's like i'm trying to move out of my spot

into somebody else's so i was like i don't want to i didn't want to meet him because i was like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not bringing him back to my house. I'm just changing my sheets on Tuesday. Marie, are you out of your E-Pray whole phase? I feel like it's. Well, I just, the way that this, this particular man, it felt very like aggressively sexual. And it was like, I don't even. But sis, that's what you was doing all in Germany and whatnot?

Yes, but that was, that's on the road, sis. That's international. Domestically. Domestically, I'm trying to like. Wait, you want somebody to be like kind about it? No, I don't want you to be kind, but I need you to, like, can I meet you first? Can we meet for a drink and I see if I even like you before you start asking me what I like sexually? Like, this might not affect you.

Hold on, Marie. What did you do in the summertime, though? How were you addressing people in the summer? You sound like him! No, no, no, no, no, no. Sydney, but that's why it didn't happen last night for me. Because I'm allowed to, I'm a woman, I'm allowed to change my mind, as Wendy Williams says. I'm allowed to be flip floppy

But if you're trying to bang me I need to feel It needs to feel like a safe space Also I'm not going to East New York For your dick So sis that tells That's why you were turned off You were like East New York

Yeah if he lived If this guy messaged me At two o'clock in the morning I would have said yes I would have also I mean I said yes for the other one So I would have said yes for him That makes more sense

But he doesn't live close No And it didn't sound like He was trying to jump in an Uber To like even link up in my hood No So it was like well He lives at the end of Brooklyn

But we texted all night And he was like what are you doing right now And I was like eating, smoking Drinking, Netflix He was like oh that sounds nice Why didn't you invite me Relocating He does not want to be in Brownsville

That's what it is I said I don't know you I don't make it a habit of inviting strangers To my house Meanwhile back at the ranch But I've never No I've never invited

A stranger to my house I've gone to their houses Yeah But you're not You're gonna murder me there You're not gonna murder me here At the new house With the new sheets

With the new sheets You not messing up You bringing a bad energy in here I don't know you I agree I'm with you sis But I also know They don't sound like you really

I'm with you I'm with you sis Sis with a T Sis Cyst. Cyst. Cyst. Cyst.

I hate it. Cyst. We hate cyst. Okay, canceled. No, you're with it. Anyway, thoughts on what happened last night? Well, he looks so short. He looks tiny.

Yeah, he's like 5'7 top. He's 5'6 probably, honestly. That guy? The second one. But he also doesn't have anything in his Tinder bio. Exactly. That's alarming. Alarming.

Because it's like. There's nothing in it. He doesn't have anything. He didn't write anything. There's nothing. And so, like, to me, that's, like, saying, like, my pictures are enough. Like, you should want me just because of what I look like. But that's the energy.

And, yes, he looks short, and he's super African. He has, like, the chain of Africa on his neck. Oh, he's African. That's why he's aggressive. But I feel like because he's so aggressive. That's problematic what I just said. Are we cutting it? No.

Leave it in there. No, we're leaving it. I feel like the sex with him would probably be great. Absolutely. Just look at him. I'm looking. I look for you. It looks like it might could be phenomenal.

Since I was looking, I looked for you. I have eyes. I'm gay as hell. Straight as fuck. That's merch too. We need to bring that back. Look how full the beard is. I mean, he's little, but maybe he's big.

Cist. So maybe meet him for a drink and then bang him the second date. Or do you want me to be near? Maybe meet him for a drink and I'll be near. And if anything is weird, I'll be like, oh, actually. Sydney, you just start crying. No, I'll just. Wow.

I cry one time on the pot. and now it's fucking It's not one time. Wow, Marie. I feel like you'd be at the bar sobbing. I fucking opened up because I was,

wow, because I just had a vision of you not being here and it broke me down. Oh my God, Sydney, stop.

Wow. Goodness. Sydney, stop it. Sis. Stopped. Are you going to cry? Honestly, Sydney, stop.

Sis. Stip. Canceled. Stopped. Stopped. Anyway. My eyes hurt so I could cry

that's i'm tired friend i'm tired i mean i was out what till two three o'clock in the morning stepped out at two that's crazy i'm proud of you but um let's talk about other things um hard pivot no that was great thank you for sharing uh not letting me die go ahead um what's on your heart should we should we talk about uh somebody hitting us up about what am I up somebody here let's go

oh yeah let's talk about it so we got this merch out it's cute a lot of you guys are buying it ours is coming

oh Andrew did you order some sizes no they emailed I was attached on that email where they were like hey what are your

sizes only addressing both of you and I was like why didn't you get in there bitch what's wrong with you

you cc'd on all the emails you should have been like I too I have to order I need to order some for the show because I feel like They are not going to give us enough.

How long will it take? I don't know. I'll overnight. We should do it now. Don't overnight it. Do it now. After we get off this episode, we'll order something. So we have shirts at the live show for y'all.

Yes, ma'am. For purchase. For sale. Well, I owe Star. I Star. You send me your sizes. I got you, boo. I'm going to order yours.

That's what we'll do, Andrew. When we order the shirts, tell us what size you want. What size you wear? A small men's. And what? I think it's unisex. It's unisex. Okay.

All right. What styles? Oh, I want the baby. Yellow or white? Baby. I like yellow. Yeah. I feel like people aren't into the yellow as much, but I like the yellow.

Yeah, me too. I love the yellow. Yeah. What other? We have a good Christian gay. I don't want good Christian gay. Sorry. Wow.

Cause you not good? Or cause you not Christian? That's the one that you're questioning. Well, no, it's actually supposed to be, it's, you know, it's funny. There's no such thing as a good Christian gay. Oh. It's cool gay churches now. You know, you can be gay and Christian and good.

That just doesn't make any sense. And I love that's merch, though. That's merch. Yeah, we do need that. That's merch. Okay. So that and a small and yellow baby. Got you.

Because you're not wearing Eat, Pray, Ho if you're not wearing Good, Christian, Gay. Yep, that's true. Eat, Pray, Ho. Yeah. I don't know if that's me. Okay, Marie. But you are. I'm not eating, though.

And I'm not praying. You're not eating ass? No. Wow. That's a lot. I feel like you lying. You know what I do. Do it.

It seems like you don't really do nothing. Do it. It sounds like you be laying there. You said missionary. And that's enough. Wow, Marie. You said that's enough. Did you hear?

You're being aggressive today. It's because my hair is plaiting my blonde now. Yeah, I think you need to slow down, Sisqó. Evie, you got a pit bull in your skirt? Whatever. I think she was the pit bull in the skirt. Whatever. It was not a pit bull in her skirt.

Well, it feels like a pit bull is coming off your neck. Were you offended when I said that? Yes. No, it was not. You don't be doing nothing. I was offended for him. Sydney, we not talking to you. Fist.

So somebody hit us up and they were like, well, the name, the merch sounds like the name of our podcast. And we love them. We like them. No, I love them. We like them. They're great. But eat, pray, ho. Eat, pray, ho.

And they're like, did you guys trademark this? This is like the kind of the name of our podcast. Kind of? It's actually kind of the name of Julia Roberts' movie It's literally Mimicking the Julia Roberts movie Because I did what she did Well, whatever

But the book, the movie You know what it is Whatever, with the macaroni letters Eat pray home Eat pray love But that's what I did I went on a trip like she went on a trip And did cooler stuff than what she did

But these people were like, well Don't say these people they're also you know well i'm saying these people because i'm not gonna say their names right but they so what am i supposed to say i don't know how how do we go we don't know the diplomats but it's just like but everybody everybody has podcast names and everybody has like sayings and stuff and we understand you know how people might have similarity but you can't just assume like oh that's is this from us and it's like really yeah we went on your podcast we would be that silly we went right they were like well how long have y'all been saying this is this true and it was

I was like, is this trademarked? It is now. It is now. Cindy was like, I was like, it is? Yes, it is. Absolutely trademarked. It's him. I don't know.

But then today I was online and I saw a podcast called Eat, Pray, Judge. And there's one called Eat, Pray, God or something like that. Eat, Pray, Britney Spears. Okay, so you're going after everybody? Are you also sliding in Julia Roberts' inbox saying, well, Eat, Pray, Love sounds a lot like our, like, what you gonna say? I don't know. Anyway. Keep buying this shirt is what I'm saying.

And make sure y'all shout out Unofficial Expert, please. Unofficial Expert. With a T. With two Ts. TTs. And then what else do I have? Marie, I don't know how I'm gonna go forward. Oh, you breaking up with me?

No. in relationships i think that people will feel a certain kind of way because i i feel like we we've been friends for so long okay and when it comes down to it it's like you know will i pick my girlfriend or whatever or over you or whatever and i don't want to be the answer is marie always wins i don't want to be in a situation like that but i'm also like wait What do you mean you don't want to be in a situation where it's me against the love of your life? Not you against it, but it's just like we have a certain kind of fun. Right.

We have a certain kind of fun. And if anybody sees that, I could see them feeling some kind of way because they're like, well, you are not like this with me. And I was like, well, me and Marie are not fucking. I'm not romantically involved with her. The thing that she just won't be mad at me because we're not in a relationship together. Right. So I feel like going forward, whoever I'm supposed to be with or whatever, I think it's going to be complicated because I think whoever is going to be with me will compare our like friendship to like how I am in a relationship. But my question for you is everybody who's in a relationship has best friends.

So then is everybody comparing their best friend to their person? What? But everybody's best friendship ain't like ours. I mean, this is true. I will say that. Trashed. I'll put that on a record that our shit is quite fire. Fuego.

Bars. It's one of those things where when people see us, our chemistry is like undeniably, oh, wow, they are friends. Yes, but Sydney, everybody has friends, right? Yeah. Everybody has friends. And then so when you get into a relationship with somebody, you have to win over their friends also. Right. That's kind of like what a relationship is.

Otherwise, if the friends don't like you, then they're going to be like, well, I don't know why you're in a relationship with that person. And, well, don't bring them. They can't come bowling with us or whatever the hell friends be doing. But I don't know. Sydney, what are you trying to say? You're saying that we need to be less, we need to have less chemistry so that your relationships can thrive? I don't know, friend. I'm just saying.

I'm just, it was a, I'm putting it on the squeegee board or whatever. What's one of those boards that you like write on it? The dry erase board. Yeah, dry erase board. I'm putting it on one of those as a note. And saying... I'm saying... I'm just not sure what the thought is.

The thought is, do I have to pick over you or the person I'm going to be with? And I'm like... Well, say, do you want to be happy or do you want to be rich? Pick one. You want to be happy in a relationship or do you want to make money with me? That's your proposition, bitch? That's your proposal? Do you want to make money and build a business with me, your ashy bald friend?

Or do you want to, you know, maybe squirt? Possibly. Like, you know, be fulfilled sexually. Do you want to be happy? Or do you want to be rich? I mean, you're on the Zoloft now, so you could be rich. With three Ts. I'm on Zoloft with three Ts.

Zoloft. Zoloft. You'll be fine, Tini. you don't have to choose you we can still do what we're doing and you can still also be happy the person that you're in a relationship with just has to understand that you know this is business that's all is it business i think this is oh what you said wow and he said you gotta oh we're i didn't know he said you gotta be on time wait did we wait do we're i didn't know it's time for you to talk Andrew said I thought this was uh you know an S&M combo okay

anything goes uh the African just sent me a text let's see what he said he said good afternoon that's a different from good morning I mean it's it's p.m. this is a.m. to the p.m. no but I'm saying a good afternoon feels better than a good morning good morning feels thirsty right well He's been waiting since 2 a.m. because that's when I stopped responding to him. He said, so what do you want? Because I stopped talking to him so I could go on another date. So what do you want to know about me?

What do I want to know about him? Oh, now he wants to come in like a gentleman. He's like, let's get all the things out now so we can fuck. Well, he asked, what do you want to know about me last night? And I just stopped responding. Because it was like, you should have led with that, bitch. Okay. Oh, now all of a sudden you got manners, nigga.

Nigga with a T. Nigga. Zoloft. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. That felt racist and homophobic. Sorry.

It would actually be nigga. Nigga. We can't put it with a T. Sorry. All right. I mean, this is the shortest episode we've ever had, I feel like. We're ending right now? Wow, we're on a roll.

We got a whole other episode to record. Guess. Can we do like five more minutes? Is that possible? Yay. okay this is okay already we love it love it love it love it love it love it love it i'm tired we all are we all are tired tired with a t okay um okay well if someone was like hey if you had to save marie or a girlfriend or wife they were both we're both one is

what we're both what on a plank that's like rickety and you're equidistant between us and there's a fire coming and a sharknado yes

what you gonna do I don't know Marie that's a tough one how is that a tough one off the record off the record off the record off the record

I don't know currently your current situation who you picking oh Marie you can't ask me that I would try to find a way to

I would we all dying all three of us are dying selfish that's selfish Sydney all of us gotta die everybody I can't I can't I won't I wouldn't be able to choose I'll be like oh I Marie I you know when you mentioned cancer I was like I cried but if I had to pick between you dying because I had to let you die in cancer wait what either way I'm dying me dying because you had to let me die or cancer me letting you die is easier for you you killing me is easier

I'm just saying what are you saying Marie it's not fair cause I you're not in a relationship so I I'm comparing from your situation I'm like of course Marie would save me she ain't got no other nigga I mean

she's all Also, I might save you. Also, I'm not saving a 6'5". You know what I mean? Pull through, Brian. Come on, Jay. I believe in you. You got to, come on, find the strength within.

I'm not The Rock. This ain't skyscraper. So you're saying you can't save a man? No, I'm not saving a man. That's real. If my friend is under duress and it's some tall man or short man with a big and or small dick is dying, I'm going to be like, well, you know, you had a good run. run run to the light sir

marie that was honestly the sweetest thing you've ever said to me and that i would let a man die for yeah sydney i would cross the ocean for you i would bring the sun and the moon for you i will i like blonde marie i don't actually i don't know i know the song yeah i know the song but yeah but we we're tone deaf it's fine and we don't know lyrics Marie this was this was great this was a good one

you feel good yeah well someone wrote us and they were like man the guests are gonna have to fucking come through because these solo episodes have been fire they've been so good fuego yeah so we've been friends for a long time all the more reason for you to save me if I'm dying

I Marie I would I have bad like posture and upper body strength but I would find a way we both die we both dying we both die and honestly that's the way to go the upper body strength I hope they put us both in the casket together or or if we do a little cremation I would want to be mixed in with you oh like salt and pepper yeah I the double coffin thing feels like like a no for me well we're both thin so are we yeah I mean my butt would need a little bit more space and i'd be like yo just bend sydney's knees and cram her at the bottom oh my god or or

it would be like head to head to toe no yeah oh like we would both our heads would be on opposite sides yes we could do that and both sides each other 69ing can we 69 cough in it no no 69 another one of your favorite positions uh i do not like 69 now oh because that means you would still have to do stuff yeah that's it that's what it is you gotta get you a little sharper image pillow for your head so you could no so you could do it properly andrew's lazy he's like me yeah we're related yeah we are it's fine mother mother oh wow you call me your mother oh mother okay andrew you're a concept concept consult it's fine um is that much salt we haven't said merch now that we've got merch well because you know we actually got to make it now and it's like shout out to

andrew for designing those things yeah andrew has been doing everything he's been doing the flyers he's been making sure the powerpoint is together for the live show which we need to do that um oh the live show is coming out tomorrow no this episode comes out after the live show oh fuck okay oh you missed it that's canceled thank you for coming if you came canceled that canceled that's that's done we'll cut that out yeah uh yes but we will be in san francisco yes we are for sketch fetch bitches or sketch fest uh sketch fest yes uh january 18th 18th so if you all everybody who's in california that's like i would come down for you i would all that shit y'all we're talking you better bring that fucking energy to san francisco bring us the sun and the moon i don't

want to hear none i want to be like oh i can't make it my baby dad the baby dad the baby dad Bring the baby to the show Bring the baby's ashes to the motherfucking show And we'll sprinkle it We'll have a moment of silence We will Come on We gotta go

But that is the weekend That's January 18th That's Martin Luther King weekend Oh it is? That was his dream That nigga had a dream for us to thrive in San Francisco San Francisco is you know rich people there so that was Martin's

dream for us really so if you live in Oakland I suggest you figure it out now if you live in LA and you need to take a bus up that's cute too you live in Berkeley you guys can all make it happen in San Francisco and you got plenty of time to save them coins

you got all of December are we flying out Andrew? What? You getting flued out? are they flying us out? Yeah bitch they are flying us out But I don't know if we can fly you out Andrew We'll see what the Patreon does Have you ever been to San Francisco

I have been Yeah but we get We get two hotel rooms So who's sharing Who's sharing hotel rooms Well I'll share with him Cause I'm gonna be out there trying to be a hoe I would share with you

These Steve Jobs niggas If you guys go to the Patreon if you're not on there go on there now because then I'm going to tell like more of what's going on

in my life on there and get the money up so we can get Andrew to come to San Francisco how about that and if if you heard what you just heard

you should be flocking to the Patreon honestly sis it's messy the tea is is it hot

warm warm warm with the tea it's really warm Sydney come on it's warm okay well this is what we're doing

we'll see you in San Francisco yes we'll see you next week because you know we do this weekly yeah rate, comment, subscribe share this with your parents tell everybody

tell your gay straight taken friends and slide in my DMs too you guys are all sliding in Marie's DMs I'm here too and stop being all like sad and sad

that's why they not sliding in your DMs because you begging for it yeah and you said don't be sad how dare you tell somebody

not to be sad don't be sad say nice stuff say you wanna fuck me okay we gotta we gotta go you know why

they don't wanna bang you sis cause you don't leave your house at 2am to meet for a drink I'm sober that is racist

and homophobic yeah no Cindy you racist and homophobic shut up you called us niggas we gotta go

I love you friend I like you too friend okay zo loft yes and we love you too Andrew thank you

oh wow bye forever dog this has been a forever dog production executive produced

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