MESS with Sydnee Washington & Marie Faustin - Can’t Be Cheap If You Cheat

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

In this episode, Sydnee and Marie chat their weekly MESS. The duo dishes on friendship boundaries, the art of curating a dating profile, and the fine line between flirty and just plain messy. And y'all came in with JUICY MESS this week!  Don’t forget to write in your messy stories at [e-mail], or call in at [phone] to have your MESSages read live on air! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

you're listening to mess i'll tell you one thing was miss girl coming here hungry as fuck i'm i am my stomach is like knocking on the door hello anybody home does anybody want to eat in this bitch that's how my stomach is giving right now it's like so you just knock on her breakfast. You just knock on her lunch. I feel like for me, what's messy is I don't really have food in my house right now. And instead of going grocery shopping, go get something outside. I'm tired of eating out, but cooking is like, what? That's mess. Having to cook. And that takes up a lot of time. It's not a one, two, three, bang, it's done. Because it's not just cooking it's grocery shopping then it's meal prepping yep then it's cooking then you got to

do the post cooking you know dishes and wipe the stove down it's a lot you know what's crazy is that sometimes you cook and you you're doing all the steps you're taking a little taste here taking a little taste there then when everything's done you're like i'm not even fucking hungry anymore i'm good that's mess i've been i've been smelling all the aromas and whatnot and that filled me up maybe i just need to smell the food that's it that's all that's me eating right now that pot roast that really did it for me um i will say i went to vegas and that's mess it is mess because i just don't understand what's people's obsession with it like you're you're losing money when you go there like when you go on a trip you want to feel like you're spending money but money's

not spending you vegas you walk out and literally every time you go out your card at least three hundred dollars at least because you're getting food you're doing an activity you are getting in an uber you are talking to somebody all of that is money somebody's always selling every time you Every time you went outside in Vegas, you spent $300? Well, no. Somebody else was with me. Well, I've been to Vegas several times. I don't think I've ever spent $300.

That's crazy. But it felt like collectively $300 was leaving somebody's bank account. Right. You know? Right, right. But yeah, I'm still doing a hard 75. I'm many days in. I'm a quarter finished or like more than.

You're like more than. You're halfway done. Yeah, halfway done. and I'm over it. I'm ready to quit, but I can't. What's the positives? Like, what's the pluses so far that you've seen or that you feel?

See these guns, bitch? I dare you to come against me. Girl, I feel strong. I feel stronger. That's funny. Why is that so funny? It was hilarious. What?

Sometimes I might pop out and show a nigga. I got something. And that was that. Yeah, I definitely feel my arms have gotten better. I'm working on my back. Slide the hair to the side so that people can see. Look at the bacterial muscle. Yeah.

Okay, we're going to have to do this clip. I have more endurance. You know, I went hiking. I've been walking. We've been walking a lot, Marie. Let me tell you something. Sydney used to never walk. Never.

She used to wake up, call a car to get to the bathroom. That's how little she walked. And now, miles. You could never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever walk. I knew you were going to say that, but I was like, no, maybe she won't, but you do. She could never walk. And now she's walked this way. She's walking.

I'm making my way downtown. It's beautiful, actually. I am. It's inspiring. We walked the Brooklyn Bridge the other night. No, no, no. We walked a very unsexy bridge. We walked the Manhattan Bridge.

Oh, Manhattan Bridge. Yeah, that's a good one. The Brooklyn Bridge is like classic and pretty and like, you know, brick. And it has like, I don't know, it feels like you're walking through the beauty and the beast house. And then the Williamsburg Bridge is like that like pink color or red. It's red. It's very long and a lot of people

were on their bikes. It's tons of bikes. But it's nice. The Manhattan Bridge? Bitch. Smelly. It's giving law and order SVU.

Every time we walk, we're like, done, done. It felt like that. Very Dick Wolf. Yeah. People were in little corners

and you're like, are they going to pop on? Yeah. Pop off on us? Yeah. Am I going to get hit by a city bike? Yeah.

It was very scary. We were contemplating jumping. That's how bad that bridge was. Stop it. But you know what? I will say that the fences are

Just high enough that while you're climbing, you're like, maybe I don't want to do it. No, they're not, to me, not high enough. Because I was like, I can climb this. I can climb this. Marie! I really was like, let me, if I wasn't a germaphobe, I would have touched the fence just to test it. But, you know. Marie, now, I don't know if this is mess, but where does your germaphobia, where does it stem from?

um i have a mom who's very clean yes and that's just how i was raised you know what i mean you wash your hands first thing when you get into the house you take your shoes off then you go wash your hands um people come into people's homes or their own houses after touching subway poles after touching stuff all day long after scratching their butts and then they just like touch their in the house stuff that's nasty pretty nasty um when i touch something i can kind of that's so raven see all of the things that have touched it for me like see i'm touching this now a million people sat here mariah carey sat here we did yes hey girl we love y'all we belong together um so that but also i'm in my own head about it like i don't necessarily even think that my

My mom is like this OCD about it, but I don't know. It kind of comes and goes, too, you know? I change my sheets, I don't know, every two, three weeks. So you're not that much of a germaphobe, but I know that you're not putting your city slicker jeans on the fucking bed. Oh, what? I don't think there's ever been a pair of jeans in my bedroom, if I'm being honest with you. I mean, to be even more honest-er, I strip-butt Nikki when I get home. Well, I've been in your home many of days and nights, and you've never stripped butt naked for me.

Well, you know, I don't want to entice my gay friend. Absolutely not. I just want people to know, this is mess. Like, dating friends. Ew. Ew. Well, they say you're supposed to date your friend. Friends first.

No, somebody, oh, Zach was like, I could see you marrying Marie. I said, what? I don't see that. I could not. I was like, first of all, she knows too much about me. So that already is unattractive for me. The only way that I could feel comfortable with someone is that they don't know enough about the allure. You know, they're like mysterious. Even though I talk a lot, I talk that talk and I run my mouth and I'm like, you know, I have diarrhea of the mouth. But there's still so much that my girlfriend doesn't know about me. You don't know about me. The people online don't know about me. I think that we should bring back mystery.

Yes. You know, we live in a time where people are oversharing everything that they do. They're sharing where they've been. They're sharing what they think. It's like, shh, shh, shh, shh. Wait, this is what Marie did in Morocco all the time. Shukran. Shukran.

yeah so that's why I wouldn't want to date a friend is because they know me and I know them and that's gross knowing someone takes away the crush I no longer am crushing on you because once I can see past the the glaze of like oh you sexy oh I want to touch you and kiss you then it's like ew that's how you chew that's what you think about like politics you didn't vote like oh yeah I mean I get that but there's two two um ways of thinking about this right like you know they say you should date your friends or you should be friends first not that you should date your friends but like before you become exclusive or like official with somebody you should be friends with them before you do that because then it's like oh we have a good rapport oh we got good

conversation oh i do like this person um shout out to nicolandria hey people need to get these definitions fucking right what is a friend what is an associate what is somebody you are currently into those are all different people okay just because you get along with someone and you got good report that does not make them a fucking friend okay well if i get along with them when We got good rapport. We're friends. No. And that is that.

And just listening to you, Marie, that's a motherfucking lie. Because there's so many people that you have good rapport. You don't consider them your friend for real. You're not calling them. You're not checking up on them. You wouldn't get them a glass of water or buy them a drink. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

I would get anybody a glass of water. Anybody. Okay. A glass of water. Yes, I could do. I'm not carrying a cousin Skeeter of water for them. but but I'll get

you know whatever girl girl Marie you because you're you chat with a lot of people and you're

you're very friendly and I feel like because your energy is so spectacular I think you could get along with anyone so

you do have good reports with people but I don't think you would put them in your you know Rolodex

as friend yeah I guess that's true so yeah sustained thanks I'm glad that I pleaded my case in the court of Reezy.

The court of Reezy is adjourned. Can we talk about this? So I ordered a table. Yes. You never sent me the picture, just so you know. I mean, because it looks a lot like my old table. It's just bigger. My old table was 48 inches round.

This new table, 54 inches round. Too big. When I was thinking about that, I was like, oh, I should have gotten an oval table. Oh, let me see. So, because it's, I'd rather it's long, but it's too wide, I feel. Let me see. I think I could have sex on that table now. That's how big it is.

And that is hot. Okay. Yeah. Or like on a countertop. Have you done it? I did. Nice. Very, very nice.

Not mess. Not mess on the countertop. Girl, I mean, there's really, it's not, you're not going to really be able to tell because it just looks like my old table. No. But it's bigger. This is way better. This is nice. It's better, but it's bigger.

Your other table was giving, oh, Ikea. This one is like, ooh, she went to a boutique. Did she get this imported? This looked fluid in, honey. Girl. Look at the legs. The legs are cute. The legs is nice.

Yeah. This is very good. No, baby. It's good, but it is big. It's big. It's big. I could hold a conference there. And we should.

We need more meetings on the books right now, anyway. We do the Patreons. This is nice, Marie. It feels like it's good size. I really fucking like it. I like it too, but it's kind of large. It's quite large. You know what's a mess, bitch?

You know, I need to stop having these open purses. Those are a mess. Open purses. I need you brands. We need a zipper. We need all things to be closed because I'm in my, I have my Telfar bag, black one, beautiful. The mid-size one that I stuff everything on and is my carry-on on top of my other carry-on. Mm-hmm.

I'm, you know, I got a fan, I got a microphone, I got a laptop, I got equipment because I'm on the road again. And, you know, JFK is also a mess because this, do you know, when you get out, you used to be able to get a cab. Not no more. You got to get on a bus, take the shuttle all the way to the pickup zone. Where are we now? Where are, are we in Randall's Island? We're on Governor's Island. Where are we?

So, I'm pulling up to this damn shuttle, and this fucking man, I know, sir, thank you, thank you, you want to be helpful. He just picks up my, oh, I got it, poof, the bag, my shit all in the crack between the street and the shuttle. And so, my stuff has flown out. I said, thank God I didn't have my vibrator. Sometimes I just have my vibrator in the pocket of the car. The vibrator just be loose. You don't have it. Like, I throw my vibrator in with, like, my makeup brushes, with my tampons.

No, I don't do that. Loose. Well, sometimes I put it in the suitcase, the actual suitcase, so that I won't have these issues, which I did. Thank God. Thank God. Because if, first of all, if my Doc Johnson hits the concrete. Doc Johnson. Doc Johnson, yes.

We got that from the unofficial expert, and I've been hooked ever since. I don't have my Doc Johnson. Oh, baby. Oh, this is my second one because I lost one in London. I'm Googling Dr. Johnson now. I told you what happened in London, right? Yeah, didn't you leave it on the bed? Hold on, hold on.

Let me tell you what happened. Hey, I know you, this is mess. I know that people are doing their job housekeeping. They come in, I'm not there. Yeah, I'm leaving my vibrator in the bed. So yes, you're making the bed. Put the vibrator back where you found it. On the pillow?

No. With a mint? Underneath. why is my vibrator now on the side of the desk? Why are you doing that? Now I know you touched it. Now the vibe's off. But you knew they touched it when they made the bed.

Anywho, I'm on Instagram talking about the housekeeping touching my vibrator. And I was like, this is crazy. I can't believe. So then somebody from the hotel was watching me and they were like, this is so funny. We got you a new vibrator. Oh, that one didn't do it. It didn't do what I needed to be done.

Thank you so much, Standard. The London Standard got you a new vibrator. Yes, it did. But it didn't have enough BTU. Because I was complaining. I was like, yo, they just all touching my shit. Like, come on now. And you know, I'm not always washing it.

I know I'm saying it on the record. Did you wash it when you got back from the, did you wash it when you got back to the hotel? Well, after I knew it was touched, yes. But I don't wash it every time I use it. You should be washing it every time. Are you not lubing it up? You're not hitting it with nothing? You just dry?

Hold on. You dry rubbing the Dotson on your clitoris? Wait a minute, Marie. First of all, let me shift my hat. Sydney, you shifting your clit? Let me shift my hat. You just dry using it? Are you spitting on it?

No, Marie. Sometimes I just use it above the pants. Above the pants? Above the panties. sometimes I don't put it on the actual skin so I'm like it's fine now why are you just turning it like to a honey oh yeah no it's all the way revved up it's like that's crazy okay that's different yeah yeah for you it's different for you but it's a regular it's a Monday night for me I just feel like thank you so much I just feel like if I had it turned all

the way up and i was doing it over my clothes now i got rug burn on my on my sure don't on my joint she is a she's a soldier she's not gonna give up she need a motherfucking soldier wow well let's talk about it um please in the comments or in the reviews tell us are you using your clit i mean are you using your clit are you using your clit is the clit being used are you using your clit or is your clit using you how about that questions that need answers yeah but anyway um they got me a new vibrator it wasn't it wasn't as good as the doc johnson's was the doc johnson's and i stand by that i would do a purple one uh yep i would do i would collab with them because that's how satisfying it is it does exactly now i've used it on other people and they

said too much he said no no no were they wearing panties they were wearing boxer briefs they said i don't think about it too much too much too much too much they're like damn girl what what are you going through yeah well because you you do it over your jeans or whatever so it's different like you this is too much never mind i'll save this for another for a patreon okay so all my stuff is outside of the the bus it's under the bus under the bus i thought he got everything he didn't my dior face and body foundation gone gone now how much that costs like 97 gone i don't know but i'm not i'm not wearing any um

foundation and you don't need it assuming on those pores clear i do need it i do need it because you know in this like in the summer you get darker Sure. Does your face hit? Does the sun hit your face? Yeah, it hits my face. But I also wear sunblock every day on my face. You do.

You do. You're really good. You do not put sunblock on every day? So you have a winter foundation and a summer foundation. Nah, we using year round, baby. Because what it is is, because this is what I learned from watching the girlies. You got to use darker on the outside and then you use a concealer to like. lighten up the certain points and then it's almost like a bronzer so it's like blended

because not everything is the same color so you only wear foundation on the outside yeah okay okay but in the summer you're darker so it's still gonna be lighter than your skin but you also know i got that i got a unit so that's also covering partial of the you know the tan but that means you got a tan line a wig tan line i do it's so bad it's so bad i like i don't even know what to do i don't i'm like i really do want to get a big bag because i am indeed going to turkey i do not i do not give a fuck what anybody thinks and i'll come out and i'll have a scarf on i'll be giving you know you know that would make a wish foundation i will come out yeah with the scarf you'll be like what's going on she ball-headed yeah for now yeah for

now i'm ball-headed but how long does it take to recover from the head scalp surgery three months okay so you got to plan this out yeah right you got to get this done right before the winter so that you could be a hat girly for them three months and then pop out in the spring with a headband pulling it all back but the thing is is that right you got all your holiday parties in December. You got, you might get like a random brand deal or like, you know, really good shows that pay well. So I won't be able to do it. I have to do it right before Christmas and then be out January. February is my birthday, Marie. I can't. You can wear a hat on your birthday. I will not. You should be wearing a hat on your birthday because you like to travel to sunny places

in February and you got to have a hat on anyway. Marie, will you come with me? To Turkey? When I I get my new hairline. 100%? Can I bring my sister? Oh, yeah. Is she getting a hairline? No, she just wants to go to Turkey. Oh, okay.

Girls trap! Girls trap! Girls trap! Yeah, we want to go eat dinner at that rooftop that has all the hot air balloons behind you. Oh, I want to go in a hot air balloon, but then I saw the video. I wanted to. I saw that Brazilian balloon. And I said, actually, yeah.

I got two feet on the ground. I think I'm good off that. I'm good off hot air balloons and helicopters. You're good off hot air balloons, helicopters, but what about exes? I'm good on them, too. Okay, good. Yeah. But you're still going to receive the gifts.

I mean, it's the least he can do, you know? Yeah, I mean, if, hey, if Marie has dated someone, she is entitled to compensation. Absolutely. Because, I mean, the fact, the hard, no, the heavy lifting that you have to do. In a relationship. In most situations, it's crazy. It's actually quite insane. I will say this.

So I was in New Orleans and I was talking to these girls. And this girl was like, I'm trying to find dates and no one is matching with me on Hinge. Like, I don't know what happened. Like, what's up? Like, these guys are, like, scared to talk to me. I said, let me see your Hinge. And then we, a bunch of female comics, the collective, went through and we were like, that picture got to go. We need a full body here.

This is too much text. She had like blocks of text between her photos. And I said, men don't want to read that. They can't read. Men can't read, famously. They cannot read. So we revamped some things and we changed some things. I saw her later the next day.

No, no, no. It was that same night. few hours later I saw her she had eight new matches and she had gotten a phone number I need to start a business you should I need to be I'm like Olivia Pope for hinge I mean or or these people live in places where they're not just they're not really aware because that feels like such a easy thing to do when you look at profiles enough I feel like men do their profiles in a way that's kind of like why would you post that who is that for it's funny we don't care about that yes we need to see what you look like we need to see your face we need to see your body face body

face body we need to see what you look like in clothes we need to see a whisper of what you look like out of clothes right they can't all be selfies they can't all be far away and they shouldn't you shouldn't have no group shots i'm gonna say that right there why is your why is cragging them in in this photo this is unnecessary i need to be focused on one friend who are you and you right you now you got these group shots i'm looking at your hot friend i'm scrolling that's not you and then i'm gonna dm you and be like so who's the person on the right that's put me in touch with your colleague that's who i would like to chat with um and then the the yeah so this is free game that i'm giving y'all if you're listening and you're on hinge or whatever these dating apps

And then obviously, like the prompts should be like, you know, fun and like not so serious. And like, you know, if you're somebody who reads a lot and you want to write a soliloquy, you won't have to trust and believe that a lot of people not going to read what you wrote. Unfortunately, I'm going to say that dating apps are a mess. We need to shut them down and we need to start meeting people in person. It's it's a thing. It can happen. And if this person lives in your city, nine times out of ten, you probably already passed them by and you just weren't interested. Okay, so then what? That's fate.

Meeting people in person or dating people that you meet out and about, it's not easy if you live in a city that's not like New York. We're spoiled here. I come outside, I see something, I like, hey, I like your jacket. Now I have a boyfriend. Yeah. Also, Marie, you also you. So you are privileged. it's different I guess but like now every once in a while I'll get on an app and a guy will be like

I love your work that's a that's a left swipe I don't I don't know you do you work I mean it's crazy it's actually unattractive when you get recognized yeah no no no not that it's like you've seen me do what I do and now you're into me I don't know that's and if you were really into I mean, you would have came up to me after the show. Instead, you find me on the app and you're like, hey, I think you're really funny. I've seen you at the knitting factory. I've seen you at XYZ. I got to say, I'm dry.

I'm drier than Sidney's vagina with the Doc Johnson on it. Hey, bitch, that's not true. It's never dry during those times. It's dry other times. Girl, you got your jeans on. It's not dry. I'm not wearing jeans. And I have panties on.

I have my Savage Finties that are very thin. So it's almost like skin on skin. Okay, but I'm not putting on dungarees and then using my vibrator. Dungarees, word of the day. Word of the pod. Messy word today, dungarees. Use it in a sentence, y'all. Whenever you say dungarees, I think dunkaroos.

Yeah. And that's where your mind goes. You're hungry. That's what that is. Usually. You know chomp chomp? Yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum, yum.

so another thing that is on the docket for me is um i'm really trying to i'm trying to take in this like self-help it's hard to read it and and be like i see where this is supposed to help me but i i know too much or maybe i'm just too jaded i'm too jaded you know too much so you can't read the words i'm jaded because let me tell you there was a part on here that i was like oh please read tell people what page you're on so they can follow along don't believe oh i'm reading chopwood carry water thanks to amina amani she's she passed this on it's the traveling sisterhood of books or whatever um don't believe the myths greatness is far from sexy it is dirty hard work usually required to be done in the dark when no one is watching while your dreams are so far off they

feel like fairy tales dream big start small be ridiculously faithful focus on what you can control focus on what you can control though does feel kind of like common sense but I think when you really in it you're not thinking about what you control you're thinking about what you what's out of your control yeah and that's mess so you just kind of started this and you already kind of over it no I'm not over it it's like this book is supposed to be helping me about falling in love with the process the problem is is that i've been through so many fucking processes so many different like eras i'm i'm i'm beat i'm i'm i'm ready to wipe out like that's where i'm at right now sorry what was that sound what is that what remember when they're um when they're what do you

call it when you're surfing surfing and you are surfing and then you get hit with a wave that's a wipeout wipeout you never is this from a video game i think it's like a movie or it's like a it's a sound that's been it's i'm not wrong have you heard of this you but you not heard I'm like, what is that? What is that? That's from a cartoon. Is there a surfing Pixar movie? Honestly, that's the new word of the pod.

Is that happy feet? Here we go, bitch. Girl, this seems like it's from the 60s. Yeah. You saw this on a black and white telecast. You're like, Sydney, how old are you? What is going on? You've been lying about your age.

I'm like. And I was wrong. Wipe out. Bitch, why we didn't do the solo first? This is so fun. Wipe out. I'm screaming. Yes.

So I'm just trying to learn, relearn the like loving the process because I'm like when we first started comedy, it was so fun and I wasn't thinking about what's next. What are we doing? We're just doing it and things were happening and it was like, boom. Okay, great. These different things are moving in the places that I guess it should be because we're just continuing to do it. But now I'm so focused on the, yo, yo, I'm ready. What you ready for? Get me there.

Wherever the step before the finale is, get me there. You're trying to skip to the end. Let's get to the good part. I mean, I also think you ought to think about it like this, right? When we started, we were all around people who also were just starting, right? You could see successful people from afar, but that was far away. Now, we're at a level where some of the people we started with, successful as hell. You know, they got Netflix specials, they doing theaters, they they're booking TV, whatever.

And it's like, so we are like a degree of separation from that, but also a couple of degrees of separation from the people who just started. And I have to say that a lot of the people that we know who are successful complain a lot. So it's like we work in to get to where they at and they're complaining about where they're at. And it's like, so when does the, let's get to the good part. Like when, like when are people just good? I think you accomplish things and then all you can think about is the rest of the stuff you want to accomplish. And it's like, can I just enjoy where I'm at or the process of getting there? It seemed like it's kind of impossible to do that.

So, I mean, I don't know if I want to read a self-help book. You don't need to. Because I roll my eyes the whole time I turn the page. You will. You absolutely will. And I'm trying to, I'm really trying to tap in. And the thing is, like, I mean, for the new listeners, y'all don't know me. Y'all don't know me.

Y'all got to go all the way back to like. To the archives. Like four chapters ago. You know what I mean? I have genuinely been putting in the work. I'm going to put my hands up and say, I've been doing the work. Cindy, you do do the work. You do do the work.

But it's, I'm, I'm feeling like, all right, I've been doing this work and yes, things have like changed and it's like, okay, cool, cool, cool. But I don't know, man. I don't know. It's like, I was an alcoholic, drug addict. Now I got sober. I've been sober. Okay. Yeah.

I was straight. Now I'm gay. Then I went back to, you know, and now I'm, I'm gay again. It's like, Ooh, I'm tired of finding myself. I'm tired. I'm lost and now I'm found. Or just keep me missing. I don't know.

Yeah, I guess finding yourself can be mess. Finding yourself is mess. Is mess. Yeah. Because, like, I should already be here. I should already know me. But you know what that is? It starts at home.

People who I feel like know who they are and know what they want to be when they grow up, they got good foundations at the house. Their parents, like, encourage them to try things. We didn't have encourage us to try things parents. it was like do what you gotta do and that's it so it's you know what I'm saying no I'm here I'm a tear is about to come out my eye right now so when I see like a 20 year old or like a 24 year old that like seems like they got it figured out I'm I'm kind of annoyed at them it's like a that's like a privilege it just know who you are that young I don't want to know I don't want to know

myself that young because then if you know yourself then you can't make the decisions that are are messy or like silly or things that give you character development so I don't I don't want that I just know where I'm at my age all this other shit I'm like I I should be closer to where I know myself just because you know yourself doesn't mean you won't make mistakes the you in your 20s is different than the you in your 30s yeah and the you in your 30s is different than you and your all the other ages that come after that 20 year old is like yes i'm going out i'm spending money or i'm not gonna spend any money tonight i'm gonna spend somebody else's money like you can still know who you are and do dumb stuff actually that's the better you know what do

dumb stuff not doing dumb stuff is miss because now i regret stuff that i didn't do because i'm like why not that's the time to do it okay i should have done make the list i should have done more i should say more stuff tell us what you haven't done um there was a guy that was like really really into me when i was like 21 22 yeah and i don't know why i didn't like him but but he was like really into me in a way that was like even at that young age i was like i'm not into this like you doing you don't even know me you haven't even been in me and you let you into me like this yes not into it and i remember he was like going to school to be like a masseuse or Okay.

And he was like, yeah, you should let me, like, practice on you sometime. And I was like, mm, no. But now I'm a massage girl, you know? I like a massage. I try to go, like, once a month to get, like, a really good massage. The person that was really into me that was trying to do his massage schooling, I feel like we could have had a good time together when I was 22, maybe. I'm saying stuff like that, like, dumb stuff like that that doesn't matter now.

Like, I could have done more of that. Okay. You know? No, I'm not going to say that. Wait, tell me. I was going to say, my friend tried to rob a liquor store once. And, uh, hmm. Is this a fringe friend?

It is a fringe friend. Yeah, this doesn't feel like. My friend was like, we should steal from this liquor store. And I was like, yeah. And then I was like, no, I'm going to sit in the car. But, should have done it. Could have been a good story. No, sis, because then I wouldn't even know you.

You'd be in jail. Yeah, but how long could you possibly put me in jail for stealing from a liquor store? That's true, but it would be on your record. So would you be able to travel the way you do? There it is. Yeah, but none of the places I've ever been cared if you was a criminal or not. I'm from America, so, you know. This is the land of crime.

Right. Did you not know? This is crime city. Yes. In New York. I can't believe I said I'm from America. I never say that. No.

I say I'm from New York. That's also a mess Saying you're American It's a mess It's a mess I will say this Fourth of July It was pretty

Bleak I didn't see a single firecracker Yeah the firecrackers Was like Did y'all get this From Party City What's going on It was not giving

I was in Vegas And I was like Yeah Macy's wasn't involved Nobody big They had A show In front of like

Caesar's Palace Or whatever Sad Sad All of it What was the show Bellagio, sad. Like fireworks.

It was just, it just was like, I've seen better fireworks in Bushwick. Right. It just, it was giving budget. It was like, are we proud? What's going on? We don't have the money. It just seemed like all of the patriotism that's going on is only on Cowboy Carter. Like that's the most I'll see the American flag being worn in a like, and they're not even thinking about America.

Because they're like, Beyoncé, red, white, and Beyoncé. Listen, I like Beyoncé. I enjoy the tour. I will never put an American flag on my body. I'm not. No. Sorry, no. Unfortunately, no.

I'll wear red. I'll wear white. I'll wear blue. I will not wear red, white, and blue with the star. No. Girl, when ice come up on your arm, I'm like, no, no, no. She's a Maddie. God.

Ah, smack ice in the face with my passport. She's America. Let me tell you one thing for certain. I don't have a lot of strength, but when I get my strength together, I will be busting heads if somebody touches you. Listen, Ice come to get me, I'm start singing. And I'm proud to be an American. But also, where are you going to send me? Back to Brooklyn?

Yes. Where's Ice going to send me? Welcome to Brooklyn. I just feel like at this point, Ice is so dumb because they are. How dumb are they? They're pulling up to any place, like right, like I think last week they were in Flatbush. Yeah. They were in Flatbush.

And I was like, if you think that these Caribbean people are going to let you come in and spook them like that, it's not happening. They're like, my friend, I'm from New York. My friend, no. America, like, what? Yeah. No, absolutely not. Somebody had a good joke about, like, if they come in with, like, Jamaicans or whatever, they'll be like, nah, you must try my curry goat.

And they'll go get them in with the food. And they're like, plantains, just have a plantain. We have patties tonight. We're giving them all the food. You came in for oxtail? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, you go in for the immigrants, you leave with a plate.

Yes. Instead of. like they were at Home Depot they're popping in at Home Depot's all over the country go home ICE they ain't got no homes that's why they out and that that's really what it is these people who I don't want to generalize but these police officers generalize these ICE workers these people who work in government you hate home you hate being home so you have these jobs that take over your whole fucking life and you're like oh gotta leave my wife and kids oh can't come to that family reunion oh can't can't do this can't do the oh you know i'm i'm serving i'm

certain no you're serving nothing sir you're serving toxicity and a bad attitude but you also have to look at who wants to be cops the type of people who go into that it's usually not good people the people who are like yeah i want to join the marines so i could shoot people in the like it's never good people who trying to do this you know what i'm saying the thing is is that i loved um nintendo 64 007 james bond i love that and marksmanship baby 10 out of 10 you know no bars never have i ever been like you know what i think i should start getting a real gun and using it i was like i'm not gonna be a private eye i'm not gonna be a i'm like how do you for one want to cause so much havoc

that you're like, oh, I'm just making sure the citizens are protected and safe. I believe in the law. I'm going to take back what I just said about only crazy people who want to kill join these things.

Okay, thank you. Because sometimes it's a family thing. Sometimes it's like, my dad was a marshal in whatever marshals be at. And you do it because you're following in your family's footsteps.

Or maybe you really like law and order SVU. I don't know. You know what's a mess? following in your family's footstep. They already did it, bitch. Do something else. Yeah.

Your dad is a cop. You should be a teacher. Your mom is a nurse. You should be a detective. No. Hey, your dad was the president. Work in the fucking DMV. That's where you belong. That's where you belong. Let me say, who's

Trump's kids? I don't even know his kids. I don't care about his kids. But get them in the dmv i don't think they'd be at the dmv get them in like a shop right shop right yeah get them in a towel paper or plastic neither bitch i'm not paying for it and people walk out i would love that i would hate for these people to work when we're real because they would be getting the business yeah working retail that's mess yeah retail is it's so on both ends yes because now i'm going into places and it's like the people who are working again i i love sephora down but i walked

into sephora and they was just congregating talking to each other no people were like no we don't have it and just walked away it was like so you're not gonna find me another match so you're just out it's it's about 20 y'all in here you're not gonna try to upsell me you're not gonna be like we don't have this but we do have this i mean but it used to be you go into a sephora and it was like people who knew makeup people who knew like had a color match and that was just people who like want discounts on makeup like i don't know i don't know who works at sephora now but like years ago i used to go into this store and there was this like girl there and she was like oh my you're the same complexion as my mom let me show you what i want my mom to do with her face and it

was like oh so then i just would see this girl i would pop in there just so she could do my makeup just for fun and then leave i don't i don't know what happened to her bring back mac mac cosmetics it will always continuously be the mother of all mothers because we're going there yes there would be a bitch in an electric blue eyeshadow and very thin eyebrows like let me do your face mama and you're like hey i'm i just need something like yeah i just i don't need to but she would put you on to the most iconic gold eyeshadow which is amber lights i stand by that you met me in the amber lights i yeah and you kind of you kind of dragged me and was like sis you all you do is And you always have on a gold shadow.

A gold shadow. It don't matter. Day, night, funeral, wedding. Girl, we had brunch. You got on a gold. You got amber lights on at brunch? Everywhere. Every day.

It was all of the lights. But they would go in there. They cared. Yes, they're doing too much. And you probably ought to go in the bathroom and, you know, blot it. Blot your face a little bit. Yeah. But it was everything you need.

Every shade. You go in there and support. It's too much going on. I don't need all this stuff. I don't need it. But you also got to remember, it's a lot of celebrities with makeup brands and brand deals and it's influencers now that have stuff and it's like all of this is not good it's not good so you're lying you're lying we know that

you lie you know what let's just put it on the table we get offers for brands all the time we shut them down we shut them down marie we say actually that doesn't align with what i'm giving right now okay yeah yeah when when the skin care comes knocking on my door hey baby i'm blessed by god i can't help these hoes like i just don't i can't sit up here and be like hey use this product it's gonna make your skin better i came out looking this good unfortunately when people ask me what my skincare routine is i can't really help you because it's like i drink my waters and I have a good mom. Mom, great dad skin.

But you know what? And you kind of don't mind your business, so that also might help. Yes, I drink water and I mind other people's business. There it is. That is a secret. Drink water and mind their business.

Tell it. Speak on it. Drink water and mind their business. Preach. Yeah, something about being nosy, it is good for the pores. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so I went into Sephora's and, you know, If y'all want to talk to me, y'all want to put me inside, let's go. But it was just so many of them, and they were all chatting with each other, and it was a smaller Sephora, and so they didn't have Pat McGrath. And I already know, you ain't got Pat? Y'all ain't got Pat McGrath in this bitch? So y'all not serious.

Y'all not serious about makeup. Yeah, but I heard she discontinued her line. Because I think she's doing beauty at, like, Marc Jacobs or something right now. So you might have to pivot to the Marc Jacobs. Is that so? Yeah, I want to say that's what I heard through the grapevine. Or maybe I read it somewhere. I don't know.

I might be making that up. Marie. I did hear that, though. I heard she was discontinuing her life. No, they told me they were like, it's not at this Sephora. They have. Well, what location were you at since? Were you in Connecticut?

No, I was on Fifth Avenue. And I don't want to say too much, but I was on the Fifth Avenue one. But there's two on that street. So maybe you got to go to the bigger one. You know, I've always wanted to stand by the associates, the waiters. the bartenders because i once were them right but you don't know you're doing bad until somebody tells you hey you're doing bad so i think i could only pay it forward by letting people know hey this was not good service this was not did anybody help you today actually they didn't they said oh

do you need that oh we ain't got that and then they peaced out that was not good service yeah Where was I the other day? Oh, today, before we came to the park. I found this place that did matcha. I walked an extra block and a half to get there. I get there. I'm like, can I have an iced matcha latte with oat milk? And can you put some vanilla in it to like, you know, make it sweet?

Yeah. And she was like, we don't do that. We have, I said, you don't have anything to make this sweeter and sexier? It's matcha. I need that. And she was like, we have brown sugar and simple syrup at the end of the, you can add that yourself. And I said, I don't want it.

And I walked out. That's good. Good. You know what's not a mess? Walking out. I'm walking out. Don't walk away. Yes, I will. I'm walking away because why do we keep going to these places, giving them our money, our hard-earned money, and they're not really doing what we need them to do. I think a lot of people don't know this, but I need you to come in real close. You can just leave. Just leave. I was talking to this girl. She did. She was on Why Are You Single? And she said she went on a date with this dude and they started arguing about geography, which that's kind of weird.

I'm not doing that with you. She said she got up and acted like she was going to the bathroom and she left the date. Good. Good. She walked out. You don't have to stay. You don't have to stay. It's okay, girl.

You don't have to stay on that phone call. You don't have to stay in that relationship. You don't have to stay at that job. You can leave. And, yeah, you're going to be like, where am I going to get the rest of my money? We'll figure that out later. But don't stay. But definitely don't stay.

I mean, it is a privilege to be able to leave, like, a job or, like, a whatever that doesn't work for you. But you can go. I think it's better to leave before they fire you. We have to go before they tell us to get the fuck out. Now, what if I want to get unemployment benefits? i gotta wait for them to fire me but that's not that's not given sometimes they'll fire you and then they're like they'll deny your unemployment but i don't think that's a well now it's 2025 it might be legal to do that i i have no idea are you looking that up are you googling no no he's

yeah no he's not friend should we read some messages oh yes let's do that let's get trying to find that clip oh yeah oh 306 comments yes girl we doing it i love when you guys engage engage engage get in arguments fight for us be on our side do what you need to do we need our mesties heavy heavy heavy in the comments someone just sent us a message a group of iguanas is called a mess that's what they call it like you know lions have a pride uh-huh a group of iguanas is called a mess really it's called on this oh my god so wait should we iguanas should we have that as merch like iguanas yeah yeah we're giving away iguanas as merch no no no like on a shirt

it feels like it was very national geographic but it's also very niche but what if we make them like animation iguanas that have like cute hair and like lashes what and nails you know We're going to workshop this. I'm like, what? Okay. Here's one. Hi, Sydney and Marie. I'm a middle-aged woman who has been with my husband for about 15 years.

So sorry to hear that, babe. We have a young child together and things are fine. Ooh, I don't like the way you said fine. Except we haven't had sex in over a year. That's crazy. But that's not my mess. I still text my now married ex from 20 years ago on the regular. We've been in touch almost the whole time we've been broke up.

And it's usually mildly flirty stuff. Nothing X rated. Girl, oh, you don't want to be married no more. Everything remains in the text world. We don't ever meet up. Recently, he has been suggesting meeting for coffee, but I've always declined. Is this mess or just living? I think it's fine to have this little side flirtation situation,

but I'd be upset if my husband was doing it. Help. Girl, I'm hanging up on you. No, I'm not in the mood. I mean, it's just text. You've always declined. What are you asking us? Is it messed to talk to your ex from 20 years ago?

Sometimes you got to say it out loud. I suggest people, when you write stuff to us, you need to read it out loud, and then you'll hear it, and you'll be like, oh, yeah, no, that shit is fucked up. that that's that's not good that's bad no right like why is it flirty like she says slightly flirty what is it what is slightly flirty marie can you give me an example every 13 text messages maybe the 14th one you this the smiley face that's like this slightly flirty i'm not like yeah oh remember remember the days when i you know it's not like

that it's like he probably sharing pictures of his like kids and she's sharing a picture of her cat like so how do you feel comfortable discussing your family your marry your husband or whatnot but then you also being flirty that's weird if you're gonna do that i would just like act like and nothing is happening in the background but maybe slightly flirty maybe on one side not both sides you know what i'm saying like maybe the guy is saying something that's like kind of flirty and then she shuts it down or ignores it like you know marie what's the flirty we need to go we need to go over what emojis are flirty when there's no words and they're just using emojis that are messed the winking and they're not living it's flirty maybe the tongue out one

could be flirty the angel one is flirty how the angel one is not it's like i'm being a good girl I'm not. Then that means definitely the little purple demon one is flirty. The purple demon one is definitely flirting. The one with... The one, the blushing ones. The ones that, like, is, like, kind of, like, embarrassed a little bit. That's flirty.

There's a couple ones with their tongues out. Any tongue out, that's flirting. Yeah. I think... No, the eggplant, flirty. Flirty. The peach could be flirty. The cowboy one is flirty.

How? This ain't Texas. I'm a ride, yeah. I'm a ride. I'm a ride. I'm a ride. I'm a ride. Oh, sometimes the cat.

The cat with the hearts. Oh, the heart eye one's flirty. Yeah. The one where it's like the hearts around the face can be flirty, too, because it's like you said you gave me a compliment, and I'm like, stop. You're always doing that. Okay, come on, Janet Jackson.

What about hands? Any hands that are flirty? um praying hands girl what that's not flirting look imagine the praying hands with a penis between them flirty that no nobody's ever thinking that but amen but it if someone's talking is like oh can't wait to see you and then the prayer hands is like praying that i see that's flirty okay so you say you admit the praying hands can be flirty yeah i don't know how you got me on that one that's crazy um what else uh the eyes all of the eyes when you do eyes

when you're like looking just looking no that's not flirty no that's flirty that's probably one of my most used emojis it's flirty cause I'm like

who all over there yeah but that's with a friend but if I'm if we're not friends and I'm showing you eyes and I just send the eyes I'm just I'm like

I'm trying to see something with that mouth I mean if you really think about it Sydney any of the emojis can be flirty if you really break it down I don't think so

any of the emojis let me go through the ones that I use there's a baby that's an angel that's not flirty That's like our babies in heaven looking down at us. That's not flirty, friend.

Yeah, girl. The open mouth. Flirty. Wait, let me see. That one. No, that's... That's who re-holds. Bitch, now you really reaching.

I'm telling you, all of them could be flirty. This one that's like shaking like the earthquake. Shaky emoji. That's flirting as well. Now, what is that example? You about to rock my world. Oh, it's like this. You know, I can make the bedrock, girl.

Every emoji can be flirting. The zipper one, the exhale one, the one that's like, you got this much time before I sit on it. Stop. Okay, wait. This is the one that I really think is a flirty one. The one that the girl's raising her hand. It's like, who wants sex tonight? who wants to go to the four seasons me you know what's not flirty the glasses with the mustache

that the eugene levy one no i don't like that flirting but also you know what the hand then getting her nails painted that's flirting yeah because it's like send me the money for my gel x or no it's like period boo i'm on my period i'll see you later boo the nails is you know what's not flirting the one that's like that one that emoji is like like what about the ones that's like twins that's not flirting that's like friendship yeah that's friendship i use that for friendship is this flirting the one that look like this no what does that mean i don't know capiche the one in a wheelchair is flirting definitely after i'm done with you you're gonna be on wheels baby we're gonna have to roll you out you know what they

say once you go black you're gonna need a wheelchair that's from white chicks wow this has been a phenomenal episode i think we i think we um provided for the people the zombies are not flirting or they could be the solos the zombie ones mean you're not gonna get no sleep you're gonna be walking like a dead body if i send pants that means take those off in those jeans all right wait let me just read a message before we wrap this thing up okay yeah um all right here boom you ready for the message yes hey ladies i didn't mean to be that loud i got mess here by way of my sister but i got permission my sister was dating a guy for two years and thought he was the one but found out he has been engaged with someone else during that time the engaged woman

even called my sister to spill it all absolutely crazy fast forward to a year later my sister did some stalking can't blame her and found out the guy was dating another woman who isn't his fiance she felt like she needed to tell the woman of this habitual cheater my sister found her work email and messaged her about this guy she doesn't believe my sister but my sister is adamant about helping this lady does she need to sound the alarms or let it be thanks a messica hey let me tell you i want to support all women but i can't because some of them bitches is dumb there it is like i i definitely feel like there's some instances where i'm like she gonna find out anyway i'm why am i gotta bring the horse to the water bring the whore to the water

and this is why you do what you do you so good wait is it how do you do the the heart oh you do this you make me so mad my favorite heart yeah over this oh no i don't even do that i do this this is cuter yeah just the millennium millennial heart um yeah i think you tell one woman you did your job trying to tell all the women unless you're building a case against this guy but she's not trying to tell all the women somebody told her so now she's trying to tell the next chick and the next chick don't believe her sometimes you can't say oh you're it pass it on like no I've been told this other one knows so both of us need to get out of this man life

and then he's stuck with this one girl who obviously is going but it's not one girl it's two girls his his fiance I guess his wife now and this new chick now if I'm saying hey sis come into you as a woman and you're already ignoring me then whatever happens after that yeah uses that's true um does she need to sound the alarms or let it be let it be let it go let it go let it go Elsa hit with that she ate she really ate she drank I don't know I don't know how people are cheating and lying in this economy. It sounds expensive to have that

many women. And that's why we're moving forward with ask for the most. Some of y'all are just being too cool and you're like, oh yeah, you know, we could go to the diner to eat. No, you gotta go to the steakhouse every time. You need to order

MP, market price. Run these tabs up so these men can't have more other women. You're taking it too light. Oh, we going to the corner store? We being frugal? No.

We're going to per se. Yes, I want $1,000 per person. If he going to cheat, he can't be cheap. Write it down. Write it down. We're on fire today, baby. That being said, a lot of people who cheat are cheap. So pick what you feel like you deserve.

But if you're going to cheat, oh, trust me, that tab is up. All the way up. We ordering top shelf. We not ordering well. No. Okay? What are you talking about? I'm not getting Svetka.

Svetka? I don't even know her. We don't know Svetka. No, I don't know that girl. Let me get that Johnny Walker blue. And then when it comes out, you're like, I don't like it. It's nasty. And you know you can't give that back.

If he's cheating, order a bottle for the table. For the table. Get the other table next to your bottle as well. Hey, put it on ice. Put the two little wine things of ice next to each other. If he's in the hotel, right? If y'all get a hotel together and he leaves. Room service.

Room service. Order everything. Get two of everything. I don't know about two of everything, but definitely get one for you. And maybe you can share with him. No, get two of everything. He left. You're going to need something to go, baby.

And then block that number. Block it. I think we gave great advice today. Honestly, I'm helping you with your hinge and we're helping you with your cheating. So don't say that we've never done anything for the mess. The range. Anyway, continue to send us things. Yes, please.

Keep leaving reviews. Leave all of the reviews. I want more reviews. I'm going to say it every episode because I'll be looking at these other podcasts and I'm like, 2,000 reviews? We're not that far, right? Yeah, we're actually not that far.

We're not far from 2,000, but I would like to get there. Let's get to 2025. Hey! I would love that. Okay, guys. Later, Gators. Bye.

Mess with Sydney Washington and Marie Faustin is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcast. created and hosted by sydney washington and marie faustin executive produced by olivia aguilar and han sani super produced by becca ramos edited and mixed by brian jeffries if you would like your messages read on air please email us at mess the podcast at gmail.com or call for your messages to be played at 763-280-6588